The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 7 • 4/11/13 - 4/24/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_clem
Ringed Out by ePortfolio Amanda Moore wrote this Room 311 of the Academic Success Center, the soulless epicenter for squashed hopes and ruined dreams, holds the fates of hundreds of graduating seniors in its mangled claws. Some know it well, others don’t even know it exists, but everyone knows what it contains – ePortfolio. Pulling the strings, this puppet control center possesses the power to determine the worth of student’s artifacts. With only weeks left of the school year seniors are frantically scrambling to complete their ePortfolio. It has become a plausible reality for a handful of students that graduation may not be in their foreseeable future. The law has been laid down, forcing students to recognize the power ePortfolio encompasses: no ePortfolio, no diploma. ePortfolio tells them no all day long, mocking them over and over again, telling them they are wrong, until students break down and stroll into the ePortfolio office begging for guidance. If a submission lacks a works cited page, it gets an IA (invalid artifact), if a submission doesn’t fully meet the competency, it receives an IA. Basically, if an artifact is anything remotely close to what you believe represents your academic ability, you get an IA (maybe a 1, if you’re lucky). Grim-faced, hot tempered students are busting into the ePortfolio office attempting to bargain their way into graduating; some students even rope in their parents to call and negotiate. Plead all you want, but ePortfolio will prevail. Suppliant students are confronted by the stern, unyielding faces of ePortfolio: Bob Brackett and Gail Ring. While some students may only recognize Bob Brackett’s name from his signature at the bottom of the ePortfolio e-mails, most seniors quickly learn Gail Ring’s. The head honcho herself has even had the honor of acquiring an Urban Dictionary definition. Gail Ring: a verb; to do something correctly or adequately, and then receive negative feedback or fail at a task based on outside incompetent judgment (i.e. “Stop Gail Ringing me and talk to me!”). These two so-called wardens of ePortfolio remind students of the consequences for an incomplete ePortfolio: there’s always August graduation. While in the eyes of the students, ePortfolio is the only barricade separating them from their degree and spending their last month
of college blowing off responsibilities, gallivanting with friends, and being a reckless college student, it serves its purpose. ePortfolio validates Clemson’s accreditation; a method to prove a college’s worth relative to other colleges. ePortfolio is part of the Southern Association of Colleges and Schools’ Commission on Colleges. Essentially, ePortfolio adds value to a Clemson degree. Its unbearable requirements resonate with almost every student, but when its purpose is explained one can better come to terms with its importance. Compare it to a topic the generic southern student can comprehend: football. Consider the Southern Association similar to the workings of the ACC. If Clemson wasn’t in the NCAA, a championship-level win against USC would be an unrecorded, meaningless scrimmage. ePortfolio.
A huge inconvenience, and the last thing seniors want to deal with when graduation is peeping around the corner, ePortfolio proves to be one of the most infuriating processes for students. Submissions seem to be graded through a system based on trial and error. Can order be uncovered in this chaotic madness? Yes, yes it can. No one likes ePortfolio, it’s just one more hoop Clemson forces students to jump through; so why not learn how to beat the system? Read the competencies, bombard the evaluators with questions, ask for alternate assignments, and turn in the most ridiculous artifacts you can muster up. ePortfolio evaluators are obligated to read every artifact, and there are no rules as to what the subject matter has to be; be a little risqué, delve deep into uncharted borders, and pass ePortfolio on the first try.
what'’s inside Kid on Longboard is “Way too cool for class”
It’s not real football… but it’s close
According to his future unemployment officer.
Some tips and tricks to attending the spring football game.
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Bartender of the week Will from Tiger Town Tavern isn’t a fan of the Harlem Shake, but is a fan of PBR.
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contents page 4: how to cope
Walked in on your roommate mid-wank? Worry not! There is hope for curing Post Traumatic Fapping Encounter.
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 6: Top 10: Trivia That Could Save Your Life Avoiding the lion’s mane jellyfish could save your life, too.
Table of
pages 7: from the streets
what’s your favorite thing about clemson in the spring?
pages 10-11: The Summer Internship Office
We draw parallels between the comedy staple and your summer internship.
page 13: Viciously Loud Breakup Goes Completely Unnoticed Argument not loud enough to penetrate deafening roar of the meaninglessness of existence.
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word of the week Diarrmea:
A narcissist’s inability to stop talking about him or herself. “Carol’s diarrmea finally caught up to her when she accidentally told Lex about the time she pooped her pants in church. There was no second date.”
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theblacksheeponline.com
how to cope
staff wrote this
If you are reading this, it is important before going any further that you take a deep breath. Everything is going to be okay. Thousands of people every year go through what you are experiencing right now: the confusion, the fear, the betrayal, the disgust, and the heartburn. All of this is normal, and it is in fact common in the preliminary stage of shock your body is currently entering. Just try to relax and keep a firm hold on that pillow you are burying deep into your chest cavity. You need to be brave and admit to yourself what just happened. There’s no way to sugar coat it. Not this time. You just walked in on your roommate masturbating. Say it again. Out loud. You just walked in on your roommate masturbating. And that’s okay. Don’t plague yourself with thoughts about whether you should have knocked, if you caught him jamming a finger up his fun zone, or if he’s ever spanked it on your futon. He totally has. But it’s all in the past now, where he and his crusty love socks can’t hurt you anymore than they already have. Right now, all you should be focusing on is recovery. It won’t be easy, and it certainly won’t quell that niggling attraction you’ve been harboring toward that hobbit-ish looking maintenance worker you glimpsed one cold November evening inside Coffman. But with any luck, you can return to leading the healthy, happy life you once knew, denying that anyone other than yourself discreetly fondles themselves for sexual pleasure in their spare time. First, out of courtesy, give your beleaguered roommate a minute to collect himself. Actually, make that twenty. Ride the elevator a few dozen times or take advantage of those beautiful hallways and bash your head against the drywall. This may speed up the image suppression process and allow your compromised comrade to… conclude his business with at least some semblance of dignity. Do not be rude upon your re-entry, nor dwell in silence to bring attention to the cataclysmically embarrassing event that just occurred. Remember, he is frantically trying to sort out how he will go about addressing the incident. No need to strain the poor man. His hand has already done enough of that. Typically, it is at this point when the walker boots up his laptop, pops in his ear buds, and adamantly avoids eye contact with the walk-ee for a minimum of two hours. During this buffer, tension will be incrementally
released (apologies for the unfortunate phrasing). Failure to act in accordance with this guideline could result in the formation of psychological scar tissue as well as an impassioned dispute over ownership of the lavatory’s stock of Kleenexes. Assuming you have the good sense to let the dust settle, offer to fetch your friend a beer from the fridge. This will signal that you are ready to discuss what has transpired and will encourage him to travel the journey to acceptance with you. If he responds cordially, throw him a Pabst and wash the infamous wanking away from the recesses of both your brains with the magic of alcohol. The APA actually asserts this is the most effective treatment in cases of Post-Traumatic Fapping Disorder. If your roommate declines your offer, simply bring him up to the roof of your building and give him a good shove. That should teach the bastard to splooge inside your tube socks. You may be committing a felony, but at least you will have closure. From there, the healing can begin. Just be wary and don’t drop the soap.
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Kid on Longboard is “Way Too Cool for Class” tbs staff wrote this Riding down College Avenue, hair blowing in the wind, shades secured tightly on his little pubescent face, Benny Craig was skipping class yet again. He pumps his foot against the paved road, propelling him further, perfectly in time with The Lumineers’ rhythmic guitar twang pulsing through his oversized headphones. “He’s just way too fucking cool for class,” John Fabrezio, Craig’s future unemployment officer, pointed out while staring down the youngster longingly. “Man, if I was like him when I was in school… oh, man…” A slight tear formed at the corner of Fabrezio’s eye. Craig is a business major at Clemson but says the only business he has is “shredding like a fucking boss” and “slaying the pussy.” “My grades are sort of killer, but like, it’s not a big deal,” Craig says. His outstanding turnaround in STAT 208 midway through the fall 2012 semester is evidence of this, turning an F into a surprising D-. No one is exactly sure how he did this, but his professor—who prefers to remain unnamed—became starry-eyed when she was asked about Craig, claiming that he was the “dreamiest piece of blonde peach fuzz” that she had ever seen. Fabrezio said the student has a bright future, as long as he is injured in an accident that gives him a large sum of money in a lawsuit. “I mean, I’ll totally take a crash if it gives the cash, you know what I mean?” Craig said. Fabrezio added that as long as Craig remains as cool as he is with his iPod headphones in his ears at all times, there is a good chance the pair can make a financially rewarding accident happen soon. “If I don’t have to think about going to some pointless-ass class anymore, that would be tight,” Craig said, staring off toward campus in wonder. “The longboard is like a relic of the ancient gods that got handed down in the…” Craig tailed off, confusing himself with too many big words. Craig says all he needs in life is what he calls his “two B’s,” later explained as his “bitch and board.” His girlfriend, Jenny Collins, is also a student at the university. Collins says she also enjoys longboarding in addition to Googling inspirational quotes by Audrey Hepburn, listening to the hottest new band on Pitchfork.com, and dying her hair the color of her mood—a habit she “happened to pick up” after seeing Eternal Sunshine of the
Spotless Mind. Collins said she began to dig Craig when she first saw him cruising down the street in his Urban Outfitters tank top and sunglasses. “When he told me he thought Mumford and Sons was a cool band, I just knew he was the one,” Collins said, adorably pushing her thick-rimmed glasses up her nose. Craig added that he believes all of life’s lessons are found on the board, not in an academically distinguished institution featuring some of the world’s brightest and most creative minds. “After college, I’ll just go wherever life takes me,” Craig said, smiling like a little shit. “Maybe somewhere like California. I’ve always wanted to live there. I know everyone says that, but I mean it, man.” Fabrezio is confident that he can find a source of income for the uninspired and academically empty student. “I mean, once he gets over the high school phase of his life, I’m sure he’ll find some sort of part-time job. I heard Wingin’ It is hiring,” Fabrezio said. “But then again, his parents are rich, so who knows if he’ll ever have to work for anything.” Craig agreed. “My parents are chill and have a lot of dough, so I’ll probably just go out and buy a new board before I worry about a job or anything unimportant like that dumb shit.”
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The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
trivia that could save your life
10.) Custard is a non-Newtonian liquid: You’re touring a custard factory with your eccentric father and bored family. Suddenly, a mechanical failure blows up the enormous vats of custard. The bottom level is flooded and the roof is on fire from the explosion. How do you escape across the sea of delicious lemon custard to safety? Don’t swim - RUN. 9.) Batophobia is the fear of tall buildings: Not bats. Tell the leader of your adventure group you’re chiroptophobic to avoid the sort of misunderstanding that results in a heart attack. 8.) The longest animal in the world is the Lion’s Mane Jellyfish: Its tentacles can grow up to 120 feet long. That’s way longer than that blue whale you befriended specifically to fight evil in the ocean. Don’t fight evil in the ocean.
It’s Not Real Football ...But It’s Close Kevin Thomas wrote this This Saturday marks one of The Black Sheep’s favorite things of the spring semester: the Clemson football spring game. What a perfect way to burn a hole in Saturday’s productivity index; it’s warm, you get to tailgate, and you get to see how the football team is shaping up. And to think that you told your mom you had to wrap up a huge econ project so you could “graduate on time.” Hah! No. You’ll be hanging out in the shadow of Memorial Stadium, basking in beer and sunshine, and making the most of the day by following these tips. Make all of your friends go: This is one of the last events of the school year where there will be tons of people around, and everyone is up to party all day long. Make them wake their asses up and fight off Friday night’s hangover. They’ll love you for pushing them to down that beer hours after they swore they wouldn’t ever drink again. Despite their complaints that it’s “just the spring game,” and that “there won’t even be cheerleaders there,” it’s super important to… Get there early: The weather this time of year is favorable, and this is your only chance to tailgate for football for four months. You’re going to want to savor every moment of one of the South’s favorite pastimes, so haul your suds and buds down to the stadium early, and you’ll be guaranteed to… Park in a nice spot: There are no reserved parking spots for the spring game, so parking is a free-forall. Go park in a big donor spot and act like you have enough money to slap your name on a building somewhere, at least for the day. The beer just tastes better when you’re tailgating less than 100 yards from Death Valley, especially when you have a large spread in a donor spot, looking down on all the simple folk. But in maintaining your parking spot airs, you need
to make sure to… Take plenty of alcohol and food: As previously stated, you should plan to be there all day, so the last thing you want to do is run out of something. Food for lunch is obviously a necessity, but you’ll also need food for the girl who ends up getting sick after downing a whole case of Bud Light, or bowl of the chicken salad that’s been sitting out in the sun all day. As for the alcohol, do we really need to explain why you don’t want to run out? If you fail to do any of the above, at least… Bring sunscreen: It’s going to be sunny, and you’re going to be there all day. Especially if you’re just a wandering parking lot vagabond, traveling from tailgate to tailgate, you’ll never escape the sun. You don’t want to wake up on Sunday looking like the Kool-Aid man. And last but not least, never forget that you’re here to… Watch some football, but not too much: Go watch ten minutes of game action, maybe a quarter, but be sure to not watch the whole game. The spring game always leaves something to be desired, like sex on couches, and you never really learn anything about the team. Go see the Tigers catch a few passes and make a few tackles, but then head back to the tailgate before too long and pray that Tajh and Sammy don’t get hurt. Hopefully these few suggestions help you all to have a great time out at the spring game. From tailgating, to cheering for either the Orange or White Team (really creative names we have), to just drinking and hanging with friends -- take this day to forget finals, and thus the end of your social lives, are just around the corner. Just do as our star wide-receiver Sammy Watkins would say, put your life on #Auto.
7.) The muscles that open a crocodile’s mouth are weak: Your boyfriend has fallen out of the boat in the Everglades and there’s a crocodile coming right for him. Take out your hair tie, jump on that reptile’s back and trick it into biting a stick. Slip the hair tie over its snout and GTFO. 6.) Nicotine destroys elastin in your body, giving smokers saggier skin and breasts over time: Unless you think those crazy saxophone playin’ raisins look sexy, this is yet another reason to quit that cancer stick now before it’s too late! Then pick up another oral fixation, like playing the saxophone! 5.) Doors in Churchill, Canada are unlocked: Polar bears are such a problem in Manitoba that residents in Churchill leave their cars and houses unlocked in case they need to make a quick escape. Those dang polar bears, always breaking into houses and stealing everyone’s Coke. 4. ) Dolphins are notorious sexual deviants and are capable of cruelty: Rape, interspecies rape, baby murder, interspecies baby murder, bullying, interspecies bullying -- dolphins are fucking dicks. Do not trust them, because they will betray you and rape you with their prehensile dolphin penises. 3.) The first whoopee cushion was invented by Roman Emperor Elagabalus in the 200s BCE: He used it frequently on guests. He was assassinated when he was 18. Moral? Don’t overuse whoopee cushions, or you will die a deserved death. 2.) Wendy’s policy is to feed the desperate: If you’re hungry, lost, and broke, find a Wendy’s. It’s Wendy’s Law to provide a free meal to anyone that says they’re from out of state, lost and don’t have any money. 1.) White roofs lower the temperature of a city: By reflecting more sunlight than they absorb, white roofs and pavement, while tacky as all hell, can lower the total temperature of the city they’re in, thereby using less energy to cool it in the summer. If everyone just agrees to ignore how weird it looks, white roofs can make a marked difference on climate change, saving untold lives lost in The Day After Tomorrow.
tbs staff wrote this
[PartyPics]
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's your favorite thing about Clemson in the spring? “Intramural softball.” - Robert B., Senior
“Great weather.” - Matt M., Senior
“Pool season.” - Joseph G., Junior
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OVERTIME
Season 3
Season 1
A Few Major Plot Points: The first season in the office gives a six-episode glimpse into Michael Scott’s uncomfortable weirdness, Jim’s crush on Pam (though she’s engaged to Roy), and the potential shutdown of the Dunder Mifflin branch. Which Makes the Audience Think: “What a weird, insular world these people live in.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: It’s the first day, and the too-cool-for-school 40-year-old giving you a tour of the office uses words like “brews” and “babes” to feel out your life outside of work. After he gets alltoo-excited showing you the IKEA-grade twirly chair you’ll call home this summer, he sheepishly asks you to help him remove some malware from his computer, but asks you be discreet about it; he can’t get caught browsing porn in the workplace, again. Over an Arby’s lunch in the break room you learn Tim has a crush on Sarah, but Sarah likes Peter. Though you thought such grade school antics would be left on the urine-soaked spiral slide on which you lost your virginity, you soon realize that most workplaces are little more than nine-to-five corrals for people with serious issues under very thin skin.
Season 2
A Few Major Plot Points: Michael hosts the Dundies, an award ceremony for the employees. Relationships rise and fall as Michael and his boss Jan secretly date, and Roy sets a wedding date on a company-funded booze cruise. Which Makes the Audience Think: “At the end of the day we’re all bags of meat trying to survive another day.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: After sitting through a grueling four-hour motivational speaker who tries to inspire staff with empty pablum like, “It doesn’t matter where you’re coming from; it only matters where you’re going,” and “If you’re not moving towards your goals, you’re moving away from your goals,” everyone breaks for the nearest strip mall restaurant that sells liquor. Six drinks and a lot of group venting later, it’s just you and Tim alternately shooting the shit and shooting whisky. He tells you about his big plans to move to the city to escape his love for Sarah, but the lack of conviction in his voice betrays how trapped he realizes he is. When he’s in the bathroom you whisper into your phone, “Siri, note that I shouldn’t ever be as pathetic as Tim.” She responds with, “Then why did you take this internship you unambitious piece of shit?”
A Few Major Plot Points: Oscar is outed as a homosexual, Dwight takes Ryan out to Schrute Farms for an initiation with Mose, the Dunder Mifflin staff goes to Kelly’s Diwali celebration, and many attend Phyllis’ wedding. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Wait, so these people do have lives outside of the office.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Sure, in the office the employees may seem like pathetic drones just checking off boxes until they end up six feet under, but outside of the office... they’re even more pathetic. Becky – who certainly has a crush on you – invited you to a family cookout that featured hockey puck hamburgers and a screaming match with her dad, highlighted with, “Well, if you don’t want to pay for another abortion, it looks like I’ll have to get [you] to kick your ass!” After hightailing it out of there you decide to meet up with Sarah, the other intern they hired this summer, just to see if her outlook is as jaded as your own. It isn’t. As she tells you her twenty-year plan that involved crawling up the corporate ladder one hard-fought rung at a time, only to quit at the peak of her middle management powers to have two kids, you begin wondering why gun laws aren’t more lax in the United States.
Season 4
A Few Major Plot Points: After Karen leaves and breaks up with him, Jim becomes the regional manager of the Scranton branch, and begins dating Pam. Toby moves to Costa Rica after confessing his love for Pam, and is replaced by Holly Flax, who shows affection for Michael. Despite being in a loving relationship with Jim, Pam moves to New York for a three-month stint at art school. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Sometimes it’s important to look up from your daily grind, stop, and shake things up.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: All your friends are either working internships that fall in line with their future careers, or living off daddy’s money doing a summer-long, music fest bender. You come into the office to sit under sterile lighting and get mixed up in meaningless peoples’ lives for what, $10 and hour? Another bullet point on your resume? You’ll spend all that money within three weeks of fall semester, and the only “skill” you’re gaining here is “coordinated with management” and “became fluent in Microsoft Office.” Your other co-workers seem to be escaping this sinking ship, and you should too.
Season 5
A Few Major Plot Points: Jim and Pam become engaged, and Pam moves back to Scranton where the two buy Jim’s parents’ house. Michael attempts a romance with Holly, but she’s transferred to another branch. Michael hates the new vice president of Dunder Mifflin and decides to start the Michael Scott Paper Company, but it is immediately bought out by Dunder Mifflin. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Sometimes it’s best to ignore what ails you, buckle down, and get back in line.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Things are finally starting to get a little interesting, the two people you kind of like are around on a regular basis, and your boss isn’t so awkwardly focused on making you feel at home. Instead he’s got his eye on the new HR lady, who’s actually kind of hot. Once you get to really know these people, you start to care for them. And when you start to care for them, you become interested in the tiniest aspects of their day-to-day interactions. Plus you’ve got a lot of responsibility, and your beloved co-workers actually rely on you! You’re a special, and important part of this organization, to leave now would be a downright mean thing to do.
Season 6
Season 9
Season 7
A Few Major Plot Points: Michael Scott asks for Holly’s hand in marriage and the two move to Colorado. More relationships change. Michael’s first replacement is seriously injured, leading Jo, the CEO of Sabre, to create a search committee to interview candidates to manage the office. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This whole thing’s but a walking shadow, full of sound and fury, yet signifying nothing.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: You’ve tuned out. Your kind-of-endearing but increasingly-annoying manager has moved on after dedicating 20 years of his heart and soul to the company. Everyone is caught up in the same drivel that blinds them from the truth: they’re living horrifyingly bland lives. He likes her, she likes someone else, and the no one likes the new manager. Whatever, you’re almost out. Two more weeks and you’ll continue your education, trying ever harder to ensure you never get caught staring into the cold, unforgiving glow of a computer screen for hours on end. All these things happen around you, but like a dead cat carcass in the bottom of a river, you let it all pass over you. The only thing that keeps you coming back is some unknown universal force of attachment to the place, and another brick in the ol’ resume.
A Few Major Plot Points: Jim and Pam have a baby, while other relationships bud or falter, keeping the dying show on life support. At Christmas it’s announced that Dunder Mifflin will be bought out by Sabre Corporation, a printer company. Many executives are let go and other branches closed, but the Scranton office prevails yet again. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This monotony is inescapable. It goes on and on and on, the same thing over and over again until we die.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Turns out a larger company is buying the shitty company you work for, so hey, maybe you’ll have more connections coming out of this thing than a letter of recommendation from Randy, the guy who feeds and waters his jar of pennies in the back. Yes, it could also mean the branch you work for might close, but that’s fine because you’ve been wanting to get out of here and away from all the weird inter-office fucking that goes on. But just when you start to see the light, a sickening change in upper management sets you right back in line. Coming in every day, watching the same dead-eyed people have meaningless bouts of awkward conversation, and incessantly churning out whatever product you produce for the insatiable capitalist machine.
Season 8
A Few Major Plot Points: Oscar considers adopting Angela’s cat, Kevin gets a turtle, Dwight teaches Erin Dothraki, an acapella group shows up, Pam gives people lice, and there’s a paper airplane contest. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Love, loss, heartbreak, sadness, despair, the summer of 2013 has been a death march started on the happy shores of Memorial Day, and only precious few will make it to the deep-jungle internment camp just past Labor Day. The oppressive early-August humidity coupled with emotional burnout caused by high staff turnover, little time off, and policy changes leaves staffers with thousand-yard stares. Yancy is killing time counting watercooler bubbles, and Fran just keeps Xeroxing the same blank sheet of paper over and over again. Everyone just wants the summer to be over with, most of all, you. As you thumb through party pics from the previous spring on your iPhone, you find yourself compelled to walk out the door. As you exit the building you rip off your tie and slacks, as the cool, moist air rushes over your naked body. Freeeeeeeedom! You’ll never work a white-collar job again.
A Few Major Plot Points: Robert California helms Dunder Mifflin/Sabre, Andy takes over as Regional Manager, mad people be pregnant, and Andy quits. Which Makes the Audience Think: “The new sheriff in town will force these people back in line, unless he’s as insane as the rest of them.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: You’re hoping this new manager will come in, lay down the law, and make these last few weeks turn to the normalcy you expected when you signed up for this gig. No dice. Instead, he’s even zanier than the last guy. He puts Mark “I threw a mini fridge down the elevator shaft when I wasn’t granted the vacation days I wanted” Miller in charge of your department; sure it’s quieter, but you could cut the tension with a knife. Every day a very pregnant Katelyn quietly cries a few cubicles over. You wish you could join her in sobbing, but that would mean the stale fluorescent bulbs hadn’t sapped you of every last emotion you’ve ever had. A lecture hall never sounded more promising.
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week Will s. tiger town tavern Relationship status: In a relationship Major: Political Science Favorite drink: PBR (get it from the cooler or off the tap) Favorite shot: Irish car bomb Worst drink ever: Anything with Jagermeister. What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face: The guy that created the Harlem Shake. What is the worst pickup line you’ve heard on the job: Any pickup line in a bar is terrible, don’t do it. If you could be a holiday, which would you be: The 4th of July. What event is craziest at Tiger Town Tavern: Halloween, easily. What dead person would you want to bring back to life: Len Bias, I would have loved to see him play
the drinking game:
against MJ in the NBA. If you could have any superpower, what would it be: I want to fly. Or x-ray vision, or both. Both. Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with: No one. What’s one thing you never want your mom to know about you: My GPA. What Disney character you would most like to hook up with: Does Princess Leia count now? During your time at the bar, about how many numbers have you gotten on the job: Too many to count. How many 4-year-olds do you think you could take in a fight: Infinity Favorite place to party: Triple T’s, of course. Least favorite tattoo and why: Any non-tribal heritage person with a tribal tattoo.
recipe for disaster:
Beeramid
chocolate lasagna
The Egyptians had a long history of drinking beer, the Aztecs too. Yes, these great civilizations just loved cracking open a cold one after a hard day erecting aweinspiring feats of engineering. Now it’s time to include the college student when breathlessly mentioning great pyramid-building, beer-loving societies. Greatness, thy name is Keystone Light!
Screw all the health crap being shoved down everyone’s throats. Live a little, have the extra piece of cake, drink more beer, and have dessert for dinner—especially if it’s chocolate lasagna.
What You’ll Need: Some empties, some fullies, a fair amount of coordination. Number of Players: 3-6 Level of Intoxication: Denial (of your drinking problem) ain’t just a river in Egypt. How to Play: - Start the game by placing one full beer in the middle of the table. - Moving clockwise, each player takes turns placing an empty beer can to the right or left of the full beer can. - The bottom row of cans can only be six cans wide. - Once at least two beer cans are placed on the bottom row, players may begin building up, creating the classic two-dimensional pyramid shape. - Players continue building the pyramid until the pyramid collapses. - No player may place one can directly on top of another can, unless the all six vertical rows of the pyramid are completed. In this case, begin stacking single beers on top of one another. - The player who causes the pyramid to collapse must chug the full beer on the bottom row of the pyramid. The Game Ends When: Someone gets mad and calls their mummy.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
What You’ll Need: 1 package Oreo cookies, 6 tablespoon melted butter, 8-ounce package cream cheese (softened), 1/4 cup granulated sugar, 2 tablespoons milk, 12-ounce tub of Cool Whip, two 3.9-ounce packages of chocolate instant pudding, 3 1/4 cups cold milk, and 1 1/2 cups mini chocolate chips. Cook Time: Just over an hour. Fatty Factor: The perfect cure for a chubby kid’s sweet tooth. Let’s Get Baked: - Put the Oreos in a Ziploc bag and smash them with a hard object until they’re crumbs. We recommend thinking about something that pisses you off, like your lying, cheating whore ex. - Add the melted butter into the Oreo bag and mix. - Pour the Oreo and butter mix evenly across the bottom of your baking pan and place the pan in the refrigerator while you prepare the rest of the recipe. - Mix the cream cheese in a separate bowl until it’s light and fluffy. - Add in 2 tablespoons of milk, sugar and 1 1/2 cups of the Cool Whip and mix until combined. - Remove the pan from the fridge and spread the cream cheese mixture over the Oreo crust. - Combine the chocolate instant pudding with the rest of the milk. Stir until the pudding starts to thicken. - Spread the pudding over the other layers with a spatula. - Let your lasagna chill for another five minutes in the refrigerator. - Remove the pan from the fridge, spread the remaining Cool Whip over your lasagna and sprinkle chocolate chips over the top. - Put your chocolate lasagna in the freezer for an hour before chowin’ down. Let it thaw a bit before diggin’ your teeth into it. The Black Sheep is not responsible for dental work. We’ll pull the teeth out, though, if you ask nicely.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
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Viciously Loud Breakup
Goes Completely Unnoticed tbs staff wrote this On April 11th in Hendrix Student Center, a breakup of obnoxiously loud proportions went absolutely ignored. Right in the middle of the fully-occupied lunch area, junior Jessica Lemler and senior Justin Cross sprang up from their lunch seats and had an unprecedentedly brutal war of decibels. It went down in the record books as the loudest break up Clemson University has ever housed. As it is understood, the fight began with a snide comment from Jessica regarding Justin’s mediocre penis size. He quickly countered by calling Jessica, his girlfriend of three years, a “no good, smoky-eyed whore.” Absolutely no one turned around or dropped their utensils to tune in to the loudest fight since the dawn of time. Jessica then, at humanly impossible volume levels, began listing all of Justin’s shortcomings starting (alphabetically) with “ass obsessed” and ending around “vagina intolerant.” Then Justin just sent it all to hell and jumped up on his chair to gain the higher ground in this completely ignored battle. Unfortunately he stubbed his toe in the process and began hopping about like some sort of lemming. Jessica laughed the shrillest, highest, most terrible laugh at Justin’s misfortune. Still, not one casual lunchgoer paid any attention to this very public disbanding. “What fight?” said one indifferent student who sat only two tables away. It is estimated that every person in Hendrix, probably everyone on campus, and possibly everyone in Clemson should have heard this unbelievably loud, verbally abusive exchange. The only explanation for a lack of a community fallback, or even a collective reaction, is that absolutely no one gave a damn. Justin, when finished hopping on one foot much like a young girl playing hopscotch, resumed with a creative list of offensive, misogynistic names. The insults included: “sweaty puffy streetwalker,” “fakeblonde bitch,” “small-titted slutbag,” “crusty asswad,” “douche-level hoe,” and “the smotherer.” Even though Jessica was very violently pretending to cry, she managed to counter with “you miserable, dim-witted cocktard.” Despite the passionate, cutting exchange of comments, none of the students within
the vicinity could rip themselves away from their Papa John’s. It was at this time that both parties jumped on the table and began to engage in what can only be described as a fervent slap-fight. No one dealt real blows. It seems, though, that Jessica may have pinched Justin considering he cried out, “You pinched me, bitch!” Still, nobody bothered to even take a peek at this epic war. At the conclusion of this schoolyard level, physical catfight, both Justin and Jessica were breathing at Mt. Everest-climbing-type of pace. Both students just stared furiously at one another for almost three whole minutes. The entire thing culminated in a simultaneous “I HATE YOU.” The truly peculiar part is that Jessica then asked in a hushed tone, “Post-breakup sex?” They both, in the middle of the student union, undressed themselves. Oddly enough, zero people bothered to take a peek at the sex or Justin’s mediocre-sized penis. Though the breakup incorporated everything students pay for in entertainment mediums – violence, drama, unrelated sex scenes – students are either too deep in their studies or utterly desensitized to the ups and downs of an extremely fickle college relationship.
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find the differences
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there are 10 differences in this sweet job fair seminar. can you find them all?
the crossword: candies
Across 1) People collect these dispensers 2) Most popular type of gummi 4) “You’re not you when you’re hungry.” 7) Extremely sour candy that was a hit in middle school 11) It’s supposedly everlasting 12) Lil’ Wayne wanted to lick you like one of these 15) A chew named after this 1920s dance 16) You can’t really use this candy for support, gramps 18) This candy is found on a strip of paper 20) A classic novel, with three of these DOWN 1) Little marshmallow chicks 3) Kids crushed these
Meet The Staff campus manager Molly Griffin Advertising Managers Allie Perkins Writers Dustin Bertelsen, Mary Stewart Bailey Kevin Thomas, Amanda Moore Cartoonist Andreas Aristides distribution manager Cathryn Medlin Social media manager Lauren White marketing manager Mary Stewart Bailey
and snorted them, stupidly 5) Popular Easter chocolate egg 6) Individually wrapped chewy candy, originally known as Opal Fruits 8) Also the name of a Burger King staple 9) Pennsylvania town and huge chocolate manufacturer 10) A notoriously fancy chocolate company 11) M&M’s seductive mascot is this color 13) Bart Simpson was the face of this in the 90s 14) Peanut butter cup brand with over 21 variations 17) This mint had a whole Seinfeld episode 19) Caramel and cookie covered in milk chocolate
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pr/Marketing TEAM Mary Stewart Bailey Ewelina Wiacek, Dustin Bertelsen campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Molly Griffin, Matthew Clayton, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
Student Union El Jimadore Top of the Tavern Tiger Properties Subway Columbos Pizza Hendrix Student Ultratan Backstreets Pub Firehouse Center Monterreys Hair South Nicks Tavern Brioso Brackett Hall Hudson Bagel Croc’s Clemson Overtime 356 The Shoeboxes Mojo Coffee MH Frank Pepinos Pita Pit Fike Recreation Tony’s Pizza Woodstone Pita Moes Todaro Center Beef O’ Bradys Osaka Little Ceasers Wingin It The Horseshoe Off the Vine Hibachi Grill Grouchos Loose Change Dorms Bojangles Cookout Burger Joint TD’s Harcombe Dining Friars Tavern Fuji The Bronze Tiger Triple T’s Hall Sloan Street Tap Senn’s Flowers on Waffle House Mellow Mushroom Shilletter Dining Esso Jersey Mikes Sloan Room
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Hall Sirrine Study Room Cooper Library University Village Chimney Ridge Crawford The Woodlands The Retreat GREEK HOUSES & MORE!
Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Ave. Suite 1 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Got Engaged At: - WNBA Game - DIxie Chicks concert - ASPCA convention - Google Meetup
Celebrity to Officiate Wedding: - Ke$ha - Miley Cyrus - Lindsay Lohan - Paris Hilton
Honeymoon Adventure: - Jet skiing in glitter unitards - Cleaning your aunt’s house - Visiting a Westboro protest - Trick-or-treating in June
Best Man: - Tom Haverford - Tommy Lee Jones - Tom Petty - Thom Yorke
First Dance: - “Pony” by Ginuwine - “Get Ur Freak On” by Missy Elliot - “Waterfalls” by TLC - “Gimme Some More” by Busta Rhymes
Matching Body Modification: - Horns in forehead - Ears gauged in a heart shape - Corset up the neck - Bill Clinton tattoo on the chest
Maid of Honor: - Lisa Simpson - Lisa Loeb - Lisa Kudrow - Lisa Lampanelli
Wedding souvenir: - Defective condoms - $10 McDonald’s gift card - Homemade Peep-infused vodka - Soluja Boy “Crank That” CD Single
Highlight of Married Life: - Properly breeding poodles - Threesome with Katie Couric - Flying first class to Houston - Growing lettuce successfully
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
go tigers!
go tigers!
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