The Black Sheep
FR E fr E... l om ik fa e th rm at er pie da yo le 's u do wi nd ne s ow to sil le l.
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Volume 3, Issue 3 9/27/12 - 10/10/12
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Construction UD Should Be Working On Brittany Choplin wrote this If you aren’t leaping over a manhole while getting dirt blown in your eyes at 90 mph, you’re either extremely talented or you don’t even go here. Construction is a norm here at UD and the surrounding Newark area, and lately it is everywhere. But thing is, they have been working on all the projects we don’t really need while steadily ignoring what we all want the most. So listen up, hardhats, because this is what you need to take the hammer and nail to. That Delaware Stink. You’re lying if you say you haven’t walked outside in the morning and practically vomited because of the smell in the air. Delaware may be the first state, but it definitely is not the first state to use deodorant. The constructions workers should easily be able to install a large air freshener to float above our smelly little Newark. New car fresh, please and thank you. Slides. It’s 2012, isn’t this a progressive day and age? It’s practically despicable that Delaware still relies on the most barbaric transportation to class, walking. The sidewalks are dotted with panting freshmen and bloodied, blistered feet, setting a dystopian scene in our otherwise civilized college town. What needs to be installed are slides, specifically set to take you wherever you want to go. There’s nothing more exciting than shooting straight into your class right on time. Try not to smack into the whiteboard at full force and hope that your professor sets up a ball pit or pool to break your fall. Bars Expansion. It’s both a blessing and a curse that all of your friends want to go to the same bar as you on a given day of a week. Too bad every legal drinker in Newark goes to that bar too. Though sitting in the lap of the girl behind you on the dance floor may be more comfortable for your feet that are stuffed into heels, the moment someone stuffs their own heels into your foot you want to scream (and probably will). We need bigger bars. So why build more educational buildings? Stop admitting so many students and start getting the bar to admit more drunk kids. Priorities, UD, priorities.
Five Students You Will Inevitably Sit Next to in Class This Semester This is assuming you attend five classes, of course.
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Hangover Recovery Building. Yes we have the Health Center, but that is for emergencies and the good old cold pack when the sniffles have got you down. And though delicious, the long line at NDB isn’t cutting it for your fast approaching punishment for your awesome decisions the night before. We need a center dedicated to helping all of us on our worst Friday mornings. A giant room filled with Snuggies and pillows? Please. Include an endless supply of bagels and fried foods? Am I in heaven? The doggy bags given out on your way back to class include some advil and a huge bottle of water. Get building!
be the most technologically advanced campus out there! Harker…please?
Raised Crosswalks. There’s nothing like getting hit by a car on the way to class. Since this campus seems to be constantly full of people who are not used to driving with several thousand human beings on the sidewalks, things can get Frogger-level dangerous. We already have the Smith Overpass…why not upgrade all the crosswalks to hovering in the air? In fact, if we get ambitious in typical Delaware fashion, we should just have escalators. We will
If Delaware wants to keep us up at night and block our path to class with this crazy construction, it better be worth our while. While the sound of the jackhammer might be some sort of demented lullaby to some, it’s more bearable knowing it will eventually build something cool like an ice cream fountain. Tack that on to the list, actually. We expect this to all be completed by Homecoming.
what’s inside TUI: Texting Under the Influence
This time, it'll be your social life that dies.
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Soundproof Studying. The average college student realizes the cardinal rule of good old Morris—shut the hell up. Unfortunately the kid who has his headphones turned up so high his ears are vibrating didn’t get the memo. A simple solution is to build us some “bubble cubicles.” If you want us to be Ivy League some day, UD, that girl yapping to her BFF on the phone about all the dudes she swapped spit with must be silenced.
Hula Hooping Therapy Proves Effective Against College Anxieties well yeah, what doesn't hula hoop therapy cure?
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page two word of the week
! k e e W e h t f o c i P
Castrabate: A forced stoppage of
masturbation by either party in a relationship. “Dude, ever since Ann gave Keith the castrabate ultimatum he’s been arrested twice for beating up strangers in the street.”
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Five Students You Will Inevitably Sit Next To In Class This Semester Erin Eller wrote this Once upon a time, around 20 years ago, five unique beings were brought into this world for the sole purpose of adding some spice to your college career. Now, out of seventeen thousand undergrad students at UD, fate has spoken, and these students have ended up in your lectures this semester! Here’s a quick introduction to some of the classmates you’ll come hold near and dear to your heart: Facebook Junkie: Never without her MacBook, this student is always doing something on the Internet unrelated to the lecture. If you can find her on Twitter, you’ll have access to all of her thoughts on the lecture, along with the occasional “LOL!” followed by a link to #whatshouldwecallme. Pros: By sitting behind her, you’ll be updated on her friends’ drama on a consistent basis. Cons: There’s a high potential that this person will ask to borrow your lecture notes, at which point you can hand her a detailed rundown of which of her friends are sleeping with each other. Moment to watch for: You’ll catch this student trying to amend a bad hair day using her webcam at least once. Empty Chair: The student you’ll see twice all semester: Once on the first day, and once at the review session before the final. Maybe. Pros: You now have a place to keep your backpack off the floor. Also serves as a buffer between you and the other students on this list. Cons: If (no, when) you get assigned to be this person’s lab
partner, you might be left scratching your head. Don’t despair; who really likes group work, anyway? Moment to watch for: Expressions of regret and acts of borderline self-harm during the final exam. Squirmy McSquirmson: Does this kid EVER stop fidgeting? Squirmy is never seen without a coffee in his right (no… he switched again… left) hand, which he could honestly probably do without. Pros: None really, except maybe that you’ll seem much more laid-back in comparison. Cons: Provides endless distraction; may obstruct your view of the lecture for 30-second intervals as he rearranges himself more often than necessary during a 50-minute time period. Moment to watch for: The day when he drops his cell phone under your chair, then spends the rest of class kicking you in the back trying to reach it with his foot. Definitely Trying Too Hard: This person is incredibly eager to please both classmate and professor. Most likely to be found in the front row, bobbing her head enthusiastically after every sentence out of the professor’s mouth. Pros: You’ll learn exactly how not to fake smile. Cons: Where to begin? Endless streams of knife-twistingly awful puns, alternated with painfully obvious hypocrisy. Expect a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde-like tendency to alternate between blatant brown-nosing and ruthless jokes at the professor’s expense. Moment to watch for: At some point over the course of the
semester, this student will be called out on how two-faced he is. His total humiliation can only be described as priceless. The Neck-Breather: Do you feel a warm breeze in here? Is that actually Darth Vader sitting behind me? Can you check? I’m afraid to look. Pros: At least you know this student is very much alive. Cons: Try not to get distracted by his sexy whistling inhale or charming mucus-permeated exhale. Moment to watch for: The first high-pressure testing situation. You’ll know exactly how panicked this student is feeling by the varying cadence and volume of his windpipes. Also a contender: allergy season. You probably recognize some of the individuals we’ve described, or maybe a combination of two or more. Maybe you even see yourself somewhere on this list. Regardless, you will inevitably come across most of these students at some point, so you’re welcome in advance.
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TUI - Texting under the Influence kelia scott wrote this Your alarm goes off and you groggily swipe your phone off the nightstand. Your head already pounds but that pain is nothing compared to what you feel when you open your phone to discover a million ridiculous texts you sent out last night when you were bar hopping. Looks like you not only lost your keys, but your dignity to boot. Texting is great but it also involves a bit of thought and self-censorship. Unfortunately those are is often overlooked when we drink, and it usually results in mornings filled with anxiety, shame, and regret. Early on in the night, “tipsy” texting can actually be a little fun. Figuring out where the hot spot is, who’s going to be there and when, etc. At this point texts might be a little flirty or funny but they still make sense. It’s later on in the night where things can get weird. It’s not unusual to receive texts filled with every letter of the alphabet- but no actual words. After the 4th LIT at Kate’s is usually when people decide that it’s a REALLY good idea to do things they’ll hate themselves for in the morning. People use drunk logic rather than rational thinking and come up with ideas like… “I need to tell my best friend how much I love her with as many exclamation points as I can possibly fit!” “I should definitely tell that kid in bio how cute I think he is. It won’t be weird at all next class.” “Wjatus ue dpp’/? How can you not understand that means ‘What’s up’?” “I should finally re-connect with that wild girl from my high school; I should ask if she has a kid by now!” “My roommate has been wondering who ate her last Dunkaroos pack…time to fess up.” “My lab TA is such an asshole, and I feel like if I just told him he would change his attitude. If I were an asshole, I’d want someone to tell me!” “My grandmother is always worrying about me, so I should tell her I only did two tequi-
la shots I had before I went out. She’ll be so proud.” “I really just love my best friend. I don’t think she got it the first time I told her.” “My co-worker at the coffee shop needs to know if he shows up late one more time I will throw a hot latte on him. It’s just a friendly reminder, not a threat.” “I forgot to text my mom back from earlier and she probably wants to know how I’m doing right now. No, she won’t be grumpy when her phone goes off at 1 a.m. on a Tuesday.” “My roommate never washes her dishes. Now is the perfect time to confront her about it.” “Asking him why he isn’t at Kate’s every five minutes is friendly, not annoying.” “Why is this person in my phone as ‘Creeper Chris’? I bet he was nice enough, I’ll text him and see what he’s up to.” “I should start texting my ex all the things that used to bug me about him. I’m pretty sure he would appreciate the advice.” The most responsible thing to do would be to simply hide phones with car keys, so we know not to go near either of them when drinking. Just like only you can prevent forest fires, only you can prevent “TUI” or “Texting Under the Influence” incidences. Students just need to know how to avoid getting themselves into dangerous texting territory. One thing to do is identify a list of possible “victims” of your belligerent texts and write their phone numbers down, then before you go out - delete them from your phone. The next morning you still have their numbers and your pride. Give your phone to a trusted friend who knows better, and make sure they only let you have it in an extreme emergency (ie. it’s drunk eating time and you need to call D.P. Dough). If only somehow phones had a built in breathalyzer that you had to use before they allowed you to text, our problems might be solved. For now all we can do is try to be mature and “just say no” to drunk texting.
10.) Grotto: Though we’re not quite sure if Grotto’s pizza meets the actual definition of pizza, we will say that we couldn’t care less at 1:18 a.m. Just when we think our antics at the bar can’t get more disgusting, we find ourselves stealing napkins and hugging a pizza box in our arms. Maybe it’s because Grotto’s pizza taste like Dewey Beach- sweat, cheep beer, and shame. 9.) Domino’s: The best thing about this establishment is that they deliver, and they deliver food with a lot of cheese. There are only a few things more important in life than a guy that is willing to bring a girl something warm and cheesy(read: nothing, absolutely nothing). A lot of people think that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. No, that’s a commercial lie best off of society’s expectations. 8.) Margherita’s: Arguably the best pizza on Main Street, we like to view this establishment as a little piece of Heaven. There’s something reassuring knowing that the guy serving you understands that you’re drunk and will not judge you as you walk through the gates. These are things we're not clear on: who is the UDee Mascot and why it is not acceptable to eat Margherita’s for breakfast, lunch, dinner and second dinner. The saying goes “Heroes get remembered, but Margherita’s late night stories never die”. 7.) Freddy’s: The greatest change you can do in life is to introduce everyone to Bro Fries. Go home, get drunk, and order Bro Fries. You’re welcome. 6.) The Hot Dog Stand: Consider this the Chamber of Secrets of drunk food. If you’re looking for a truly magical experience, order the 257 Special. It’s a sacred meal passed down from distinguished alumni that will leave you flying higher than a Nimbus 2000. 5.) Sliders: GUYS, they have friend macaroni and cheese balls. I repeat, they have fried macaroni and cheese. This is not a drill, THIS IS NOT A DRILL. 4.) Dunkin’ Donuts: This little gem is open 24/7 and just wants a little love every now and then. Grab your donut, grab your bagel; things will be okay. Yes, eating at place where there are 70-year-old men, (without shoes, with a beard, without a house, with the stench of seafood) talking to themselves isn’t the healthiest option, but at least you have cream cheese, okay? 3.) 7/11- Taquitos: We have such a dysfunctional relationship. We want to love you, really we do, but dammit, you pesky sons of a guns. Can’t you just stay down? You want to join the party, but we're not really sure that was the type of fiesta we were all going for. 2.) Little Caesars: $5 for an entire pie? What could be better than that? Maybe not feeling like you’re made of poison the next day, but still. Little C’s, I’d write your name all over my school notebook with hearts on it. 1.) D. P. Dough: D.P. Dough is what you eat first semester freshman year, and that is it. As much as you think you’ll love a Buffer Zone when you’re an upperclassmen, you won’t. I mean, yes, there have been moments, very raw and vulnerable moments, when we’ve all shameeaten from that red and white box, but let’s keep that between you, me, and the freshmen who haven’t figured it out yet.
Kat Healy wrote this
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DOGS IN CLASSROOMS CAUSE PROBLEMS, EAT STUDENTS Jason Hewett wrote this Reports confirmed recently that dogs have been raising hell in classrooms all over campus and terrorizing the community. Professors say that dogs have become more distracting than that really hot TA who wears low-cut shirts all the time, and are “getting worse than students about leaving their crap everywhere.” In spite of this evidence, talk of banning dogs from classrooms has spurred outrage from animal rights activists, who say that dogs have the right to an education, just like everybody else. "People with dog allergies need to take their medicine and get over themselves," said student activist and dog lover Hannah Greensburrow. “It’s getting ridiculous. When I was training [police academy class of 2011 graduate] Biscuit, people loved having him around, didn’t they, Biscuit?” Biscuit, a German Shepherd/Labrador/retriever mix, confirmed that everyone did in fact love him when he attended the University of Delaware, where girls literally couldn’t keep their hands off him. Biscuit recollected fond memories of belly rubs, Scooby Snacks, and canine comrades affectionately sniffing his butt on the Green. Today Biscuit is a frequent donor to the dog training programs offered at UD. Although Biscuit is concerned that recent complaints may be tarnishing the reputation of dog raisers, he modestly stated that times are probably different because of the economy. Senior Joe Hashnorth agreed with Biscuit’s statement but is still dissatisfied with dog raising programs. “[Dogs] cause a lot of pedestrian accidents near Trabant because girls will stop in the middle of the road to pet them. It’s unacceptable. They need to stop being so damn cute.” Other students have expressed similar opinions of dogs, especially in classrooms: “One of those things wagged its tail at me, and it was like, sniffing my coat, and then it like, started licking my hand like it was an ice cream cone,” said Kaity Fern, a Junior. “Like, ew, don’t lick me! You might have like herpes or whatever!” “One time during chem lecture, there was this Corgi that just ate somebody who was asleep in the front row,” said Sophomore Maria Fenwick. Fenwick also said that when it comes to their dogs, trainers just don’t give a shit. “I’ve literally opened up my chem notebook and found a dog turd just sitting there.” After releasing nine suspects from Pi Kappa Kappa, Newark Police identified service dog Cocoa as the culprit. Cocoa, who was just released on probation said it’s not that easy to hold it in when you’re locked up in a cage all day with no one to play with. Affiliate and fellow service dog, Lucky,
added that dogs are being more than adequately punished, showing us a variety of citations for parking tickets, underage drinking, and public urination. Some students anonymously told The Black Sheep that trainers need to be held accountable for their dogs or the dogs need to be put down. NFL Quarterback Michael Vick is an outspoken supporter of capital punishment for dogs. He publically criticized dog raisers at UD for “ineffective” use of verbal commands, and said that dogs learn much better underwater than in the classroom. But even Michael Vick’s suggestion leaves some students, like Senior Ed Skidward unhappy: “What if those dogs are in the water that I want to drink out of? What if they’re in the water that I want to swim in? This is a free country, and the fact that they are living in the country that I want to live in is bad enough, but the trainers aren’t even telling me that these dogs are going to be sitting in front of me in class! I have the right to be able to put my coat on the floor without Sparky trying to sniff at it every five minutes!” Sparky was unavailable to comment, as he was already running late to an urgent appointment he had made with a dead squirrel on the Green.
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Hula Hooping Therapy Proves Effective Against College Anxieties
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Dillon McLaughlin wrote this These days it seems like there's a support group for everything, what with psychological abuse being thrown around more freely than condoms at the Student Wellness and Health Promotions Center (formerly Wellsprings). So it should be no surprise that there is now a group for those who have fallen into the abyss of teenage despair and also want to swing hoops of wood or plastic, that occasionally light up, around their hips. Spotted on the North Green earlier this week, a peculiar group of people has taken the landscaped areas of the campus by storm. Gyrating humans can be seen just about anywhere grass is mown, except for the more inconvenient patches, like right next to Gore, that hill by the library, and the entire Southern Green. The group itself has grown in both popularity and effectiveness since August of 2010, when the primary counselor joined. “Brian is great,” said senior Graphics Design major Brittney Howell. “He dives right in there, no fear, hulas that hoop and tells us exactly how to fix our deep emotional scarring.” “Brian worked on my technique and healed my relationship at the same time,” said Grace Greene, a sophomore chemical engineering major. “My boyfriend and I had been having at least an argument a day for three weeks. Brian cleaned up my attitude and allowed me to see just how psychologically abusive I had been toward Sam. Now I'm a totally obedient and understanding significant other.” The man with the reputation is Brian Harper, a junior general Psychology major. Harper first become interested in the human mind after skimming the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders, otherwise known as the DSM-IV-TR. Through many subsequent readings, he perfected his treatment technique, one that is designed to eradicate any mental disorder. He calls his technique the Human Gyroscope Method, or HGM. “HGM is all based around balance,” says Harper of his revolutionary therapy. “People with deep-seated fears and issues disrupt the natural equilibrium of the group. My advice is based entirely around my perception of the situation and around a person's hooping technique.” According to Harper, when a person's hooping technique says a lot about them. A hoop that's not level is indicative of family issues, asymmetrical hip gyrations show financial worries, and too much vertical movement in the knees usually means involvement in any number of terror organizations, from al-Qaeda to the Westboro Baptist Church, two groups Harper has had to deal with “far too many times for my conscience to stay clean.” Knowing Harper's extensive list of successes, I decided to attend one of these meetings. The hip rotations do wonders to regulate the body's natural humors and brought peace to my tumultuous and alarmingly-violent mind. After just one meeting, I found myself enlightened, regulated, and immediately resolved to stop beating my future wife and kids. The crucial part of being in the group is keeping the hoop spinning. Three days ago, a freshman named Anonymous, because her will stated she was not to be named if her death was embarrassing, dropped the hoop. All eyes turned to her, a few gasps peppered the crowd, and the group descended upon her. When
they retreated, she was hogtied and thrashing like Google after getting kidnapped and thrown in a van by Yahoo! and Bing while the van's driver Jeeves careens through the Christiana Mall because MapQuest is giving directions. Harper picked her up and dumped her onto the Elkton Road bus, never to be seen again. Reportedly, not a single hoop stopped its hula throughout the beating. According to the Office of Student Life, since Harper's first success in 2010, campus morale has maintained a level of “like, ridiculously high.” Decreases in incidences of violent binge drinking, racism, and general social awareness have been seen, with significant increases in bubble blowing, candy eating, and naivety. The term brainwashing hasn't been attributed to the group, because the group “forgot” what that word meant. The group can be found on the Green from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Harper's self-help book, “Jumping Through Hoops: The Harper Guide to HGM,” comes out on Friday and can be found everywhere books are sold, except Urban Outfitters.
Driving in The Dirty Jerz Kim Hogan wrote this New Jersey gets a lot of bad PR. And while some of it is obvious slander, (only one member of the original cast of Jersey Shore was actually from the Jersey Shore and I’m told she was part of the least sickening relationship on the show), most of it is true. Let’s face it, the majority of bars in NJ contain enough self-nicknamed guidos chasing Jagerbombs with Muscle Milk to please every fist-pumping guidette with fake boobs. But that topic has been exhausted, so I’m here to unveil a few more dirty, little secrets about the dirty little state that I only call my home when I’m too drunk to remember to lie. We’ll start with one stereotype you may have heard; bad drivers. Essentially, a Jersey driver’s ed school consists of five basic principles. Lesson 1: Finesse is highly overrated; spastic movements and unpredictable wheel-jerking are encouraged. Lesson 2: It’s not technically tailgating unless you can see your headlights pass through the windshield of the car in front of you. Lesson 3: Always roll down the window in order to give the finger, (you really have to mean it). Lesson 4: Constantly weave in and out of traffic in order to achieve maximum potential for decreasing arrival time at any particular destination, (whether or not you are actually in a rush to get to said destination is not relevant). Lesson 5, (and I can’t stress this one enough): Cut people off. After all, your car has Jersey plates and thus other drivers would expect nothing less. Now while you may be thinking that these are awful lessons to teach new drivers, they are really the only ones that will enable you to drive in the most ass-backwards roadway system known to mankind. It is almost as though the engineer who designed the Jersey highways possessed a set of traits that encompassed an odd fusion of Helen Keller’s eyesight, Elton John’s fashion sense, and Dr. Kevorkian’s keen instinct for when a person should be killed. And worst of all, this notoriously confusing and poorly constructed excuse for a highway is actually a testament to the collective genius of New Jersey politicians, who continually ranked most corrupt in the nation. As if being the most crooked state out of all 50 is not enough of a claim to fame, here are some other contributions to our country by the dirtiest state in the nation: 1) NJ hosted the first ever Miss America pageant, perpetuating the archaic notion that women should not learn to read. Like ever. 2) Jersey is the most densely populated
state in the country, (because how hilarious would it be if we packed as many people as we could into the most confusing roadway system we have?). 3) The Monopoly game board is modeled after the actual layout of the streets in Atlantic City, so the next time you’re stuck in jail and the only property you own is Mediterranean Ave, and your older sister just purchased B&O to round out her collection of all 4 railroads, and you notice that your younger brother’s stack of blue 20’s keeps growing substantially even though he isn’t the fucking banker, yea you can thank the armpit of America for that one too. So in conclusion, if you ever find yourself cruising through the haze of smog that is The Dirty Jerz, just remember to avoid the following roadway hazards: truck drivers on crack, truck drivers on meth, truck drivers who take a lot of Ambien and then force themselves to stay awake until they start to hallucinate, people who hesitate to flip the middle finger, anyone operating a smart car, people driving below 110 in either lane, and anyone who has ever competed in a Miss America pageant.
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week andy Klondike Kate’s What is the best drink for a person to order? A good pint of Guinness, it reminds me of home.
Who is your celebrity idol? I definitely idolize The Most Interesting Man in the World.
Where’s home? I’m from Boston!
Who is the most annoying customer? One that scares away other customers. You know, like the creepy ones or the ones who try to pick fights with other customers.
What’s your favorite drink to drink? I like a good Ketle One on the rocks What 90’s hip-hop group do you most identify with? Naughty by Nature Whats the coolest place you have ever been to? Ecuador for a wedding, I liked the lifestyle, the culture and the cheap beer. When is the best time to come to the bar? Thursday nights, I’m here, it’s the busiest time, we have a great DJ and great deals on drinks. How many bones have you broken in your lifetime? None, I never have broken a single bone in my body.
the drinking game
mario kart Here at The Black Sheep, we encourage you to drink and drive! Never thought you’d here those words, huh? (Not literally, please don’t sue us). What You’ll Need: Mario Kart, friends who like to play Mario Kart, and beer. Number of Players: How many controllers you got? Level of Intoxication: As little as a buzz and as much as a blackout. How to Play: - Pop in your favorite Mario Kart game and assign characters to players. - Set up your beers so everyone can reach them. We prefer the ol’ canbetween-the-thighs maneuver. - Begin the game but drink as follows: - Take one sip if you’re hit by a shell. - Take three sips if you’re hit by a lightning bolt. - Take four sips if you’re hit by a player’s special item. - Finish your drink every time someone laps you. - If you fall off the course, drink until you are put back on. - If you’re dead last, chug whatever you have left. - The winner of the race gets to choose one player to finish off their drink, too. The Game Ends When: Everyone is all Mario Kart’d out. But let’s be real, no one ever gets sick of Mario Kart.
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What is the worst way to get your attention if someone wanted a drink? Touching me or grabbing my arm is the worst way. It might even work against you. All you gotta do is smile and have your money ready. So, besides yourself, who is the most attractive bartender at Kate’s? Patty is pretty attractive, and so is Jilly. We have mostly guy bartenders though. Anything else you want to tell readers? Yes, go to Mizu Sushi and say hi to Mike the owner. He loves Kate’s and Kate’s loves him.
Recipe for Disaster
state fair mac'n'cheese What You’ll Need: A box of your favorite mac ‘n’ cheese brand (It’s Kraft SpongeBob and you know it), flour, two eggs, and oil. Cook Time: 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: Go ahead and schedule your gastric bypass surgery for tomorrow. Let’s Get Baked: - Prepare some mac ‘n’ cheese (you’re college students, we refuse to walk you through that one). - Heat ½ cup of oil in a skillet. - While that heats, pour a cup of flour into a bowl. - Beat two eggs in another bowl. - Scoop out fist-sized balls of your macaroni and roll it around in some flour. - Dip your balls in the eggs until it’s fully covered. - Drop your balls in the hot oil and wait until they turn golden and crispy. - Once all sides are browned, place your balls on a paper towel-lined tray, let ‘em cool, then dive on in. You really can make these any shape you want, but we are having just too much fun telling you to place your balls in different foods. You like that, don’t you?
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From the Streets
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Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What do you think YouDee does on his day off? "He probably just pampers himself; fluffin’ his feathers, polishing his beak, you know typical bird things." - Tricia C., Class of '13
"Goes to Kate’s like you are tonight!" - Matt F., Class of '13
"He probably just takes his suit off, because he’s not a real bird." - Alyssa D., Class of '13
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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the interview Junk Culture is a one-man band, but not like one of them old-timey guys with cymbals between his knees. Instead, Deepak Mantena’s an eclectic bucket of fun, synth-layered party. He was a blast to talk to. Be sure to grab his newest album, Wild Quiet, wherever it is crazy kids are buying music these days. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you put an album together, from concept from finished product? Deepak Mantena: That’s a really loaded question. TBS: I know. Deepak: I can’t say it’s the same each time I do a record, but for Wild Quiet I did have a concept going in. I thought, “Let’s see if I can write something simpler and more focused than what I’ve done before.” TBS: Was that a superficial goal, or a philosophy you want to stick with going forward? Deepak: I tend to change up my approach to music on every record. It’s more exciting for me to do that, and it just feels really honest. It might not sound like the record before it, but it will sound like what I was interested in doing at the time. TBS: You talk about that honesty, but how do you reconcile that idea with the idea that you play music for an audience who has expectations of you? Deepak: Let me frame it this way: Bands I’m into, I’m not listening to them because they have a sound they’re repeating on every record. I listen to artists that are interested in being adventurous. A good example, I’m a huge fan of Caribou, even back when he was Manitoba or whatever. To me, as an audience member, getting to sink my teeth into one of his new records is a really rewarding feeling. I try to do the same thing with my work. TBS: What about concern with this new music being translated live? Deepak: I’m not so worried about that. When I sit down and figure out how to do a live show, I put a huge amount of effort and thought into that. I understand that people come to see songs that they like to hear, but I don’t want the rest of the show to feel like filler, and I think about that. I tour with Girl Talk a lot, and if you strip away what he does it’s a guy on a laptop triggering samples. How does that translate into huge sounds? The answer is, he really thinks about his approach to it. TBS: What kind of forethought goes into writing a song? Deepak: I don’t consider how it translates live. That’s a bad attitude to have. When I record a song, it’s about the song. So, when it comes time to how to deal with presenting it live, then we’ll figure it out. TBS: How much do you pay attention to a crowd in a show? Deepak: Oh man, that’s the perpetual problem. I used to do a little theatre stuff, and it would
junk culture always be interesting to see— doing the same play one night to another—how different audiences take to different jokes. I guess I’m not at that level to know how good a show is going to be. I think I can handle the audience a lot better now. They want to be entertained, and it’s your job to guide them through that. TBS: Five words to describe your live show. Deepak: Tough, rock. TBS: Do you struggle with keeping up with contemporary music? Deepak: The first band I was really into was the Smashing Pumpkins, and they were like, the only band I’d listen to. It would be their whole collection on repeat. I’ll get really into someone and listen to them nonstop, and go through these bands in spurts. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? Deepak: I’ll take a good old-fashioned BLT any day. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature for a pet, what would it be? Deepak: Does it have to be a pet, or could it be a friend? TBS: I don’t think a griffin could engage you in conversation for very long. Deepak: What about a gnome or something? TBS: Yeah, you could have a gnome. Deepak: Like, see a movie with him or something. TBS: No amusement parks, though.
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the quiz: who is your white house hook-up? Regardless of how many morals you may think you have, when you're seven SoCo limes in you're going to be thinking with your nether regions, not your brain. Therefore you're going to find a hook-up buddy, even if just for the night. So in the spirit of election season, take our quiz to find out which political person you would grab at 2 a.m.
7) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 8) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1
9) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2
answer key
6) How do you engage with younger voters? a) Invite them over to the big house for some homemade brew. b) Outlining a series of policies that benefit them, like anal. c) Pop out enough babies to win the popular vote yourself.
5) a = 2, b = 1, c = 3 6) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2
3) What do you look for in a potential running mate? a) A body to die for, but brain dead. b) Let’s just say it’s important they know their constituates intimately. c) Firm goals you believe in, with a butt to match.
5) Do you think gays should be allowed to marry? a) I'm Pro-Chick-fil-A, that shit is delicious. b) As long as I can keep doing what I'm doing, then I don't care. c) Yes, all couples deserve the same benefits.
7) What political perk would you casually drop in conversation? a) Your awesome view of Russia. b) The free condoms in the Oval Office. c) Having a full-time chef at your disposal. 8) What do you do the morning after a political victory? a) Press the meat…on your g-spot. b) Mimosas over the Washington Post. c) Establish citizenship in a different country and run for office there. 9) What would you do if you ran into a former opponent in public? a) Have one of your aides make up an excuse while you hide in the bathroom. b) Politely offer your well-wishes and move on with your day. c) Challenge them to a debate in the closest broom closet you can find.
3) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 4) a = 3, b = 2, c = 1
2) What's the first thing you try to find out about a political opponent? a) If they like to get dirty. b) If their charity work involves washing the dirty. c) Just the dirt, immediately.
4) What is your stance on abortion? a) Pro-choice all day, every day. b) I'm pro-banging, is that enough for you? c) Psh, only if it's legitimate rape.
1) a = 3, b = 1, c = 2 2) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1
1) What political euphemism for sex would you drop on a hook-up? a) “How about we get bipartisan up in this?” b) “Judging by the look in your eye, the House of Representatives gavel isn’t the only think I’ll be banging tonight.” c) “Don’t Linda Tripp over my huge cock.”
9-14 Points: Sauced-Up and Sexy Sarah Palin or Paul Ryan They aren't the sharpest crayons in the box, and they go off on all sorts of crazy drunken rambles about who-knows-what, but none of that matters when their ripped abs and beautiful hair are in your bed. These are the freaks who are stupid enough to try anything (or position) once, which makes for an awesome one-night-stand. It's best to leave it at that though, because any future run-ins with these crazy people will either be awkward or just uncomfortable.
15 - 21 Points: ExXXperienced Pooty Tang Monica Lewsinky or Anthony Weiner Usually a slick undergrad with a badass fake-ID or a 5th senior, these folks know what they want and are not shy about getting it. Maybe they've gotten extra credit in unconventional ways, or have taken a naughty picture or two in their day but, hey, that kind of shit really turns you on, and that's cool with us. Whether it's a one-night hook-up or something that turns into a regular weekend booty call, you know that whenever it goes down it's going to be the real deal.
22 - 27 Points: Diamond in the Rough Barack or Michelle Obama You aren't one to normally pick up a random at the bar, but we all have basic human urges that need to be fulfilled sometimes. Lucky for you, you've got a good enough filter to pick out the quality hook-ups in the dark depths of a dirty bar, the ones with just enough gusto to be inticing but with what appears to be (on the outside) a solid STD-free record. So it may not be the love of your life, but at least it'll be a memory you'll look back on fondly.
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