The Black Sheep
Fr ee . Su ...lik ck e s!” ch at ant th in eO g“ le Flo Mi r ss ida ga st me ill !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 12 11/1/12 - 11/7/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_UGA
Ya Boy Mitt!
Sarra Sedghi wrote this
On November 6, each eligible member of the nation will face a conundrum. Who the hell are you going to vote for? What is a president? What the hell did I do last night? Where are my pants? While we can’t answer the last three questions, there is guidance for the voting question, albeit limited. There’s Obama, the incumbent Muslim who is apparently Mufasa’s son. There’s Romney, that dastardly Mormon who my sister thinks is hot for some reason. There’s Jill Stein, but... no one really knows who she is. All I know is that she is a woman. Is there still Ron Paul? Is he still relevant? And apparently there is also some Rocky Anderson guy? Who the hell is that and what the hell is the Justice Party? We know. They’re all old and they all suck. Don’t worry, though, because there is hope. One man stands apart from the other candidates: YA BOY MITT (@yaboymitt). This guy knows how to use his Twitter account to its full potential. This guy knows how to party. This guy knows what our best interests are. And do you know what? He is incredibly open on his policies. He tweets things the other candidates wouldn’t even dare to admit: “I wanna be president bad but I also think it’d be super chill to be The Man in the Yellow Hat homie just fucks with a monkey all day.” When was the last times a politician was so honest? When was the last time a candidate’s interests aligned so perfectly with those of the youth? Although YA BOY MITT has a fondness for marijuana that could put him in the Green Party, the visionary tweeted that his interests best fit those of the Pizza Party. Finally, a candidate that makes some sense. His motto is easy to remember and even easier to support: Blunts. Bitches. Booze.
the Air Force Blunt and getting a sexy woman wearing yoga pants in every American household, are much more attainable.
a quick chuckle, but it also gave me the strength to make it through the day.
Aside from truly understanding the current generation, YA BOY MITT also gives some killer advice:
YA BOY MITT isn’t trying to impress anybody. He understands that haters are gonna hate and that the best way to deal with negative energy is to take some serious bong hits. Every tweet he posts is honest – this guy isn’t making any outlandish promises, like that he can increase the number of jobs and cut the nation’s debt back. His plans, like renaming the Air Force One
“If I’m having a rough day I just say never look back Mitt like if Cinderella went back 2 pick up her shoe she wouldn’t have became a princess.”
Why should we even bother with any of the other candidates? Have they made us happy like YA BOY MITT has? The answer is no! If all a candidate inspires you to do is make a meme and post it on the Internet, then why does this person deserve your vote? You should cast that ballot towards someone who makes a difference. Someone who gives you hope. Real hope, not just an empty promise.
Trapped in a Corn Maze
I, along with his 50,000+ other followers, read that tweet and felt worlds better. Not only did this statement help me let out
what’s inside
Fall Fashion Faux Pas Fixes
Vote YA BOY MITT.
The Fat Sheep
You think you love the fall until you suffer the deep, desperate thoughts that happen while trapped in a corn maze.
Ladies, you might have to brave the morning cold, but it’s better than becoming a sweaty mess under your thick hoodie.
So we put on a few pounds? YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE GOING THROUGH!
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contents page 4: From the streets What is one thing you are most scared of seeing in a haunted house on Halloween?
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 5: The Top Ten Questions for our presidential candidates
Table of
We know you have a plan for the US economy, but tell us you’re a cat person and you just lost a vote my friend.
page 10: Bartender of the week Ana L. from The Bury has an unfortunate last initial.
page 13: the black sheep interviews professional bowler michael fagan We interview The King of Swing, but if you’re expecting an old jazz musician, you’re about to get the opposite.
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Loan Bloom Rod last week’s answers
Kristen Stewart & Colin Farrell
word of the week Liecense:
Any form of fake identification used illicitly. “Kyle ‘s liecense came in handy when the keg ran dry. When he came back with a few cases of Keystone Light he was the life of the party.”
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Trapped in a Corn Maze Spencer Schloss wrote this People are always going around saying fall is their favorite season. They talk about the pumpkin lattes, pumpkin ice cream, and pumpkin cream cheese. People really like pumpkins, apparently. Fall also brings cooler weather, cuter clothes, and football season. What’s not to like? I used to be just like them. You should see my closet— there’s flannel everywhere, and I lived for the days I could actually wear it. That’s how I used to feel. A few days ago, I suffered an experience so horrific, so terrifying, that I long for the return of the 110-degree summer days. One of the “delightful” fall traditions people frequently mention is the corn maze. “It’s so much fun!” they say. They make it sound like an adorable family activity where you walk through a beautiful field of corn for 35 seconds and then emerge to a crowd of cheering fans. According to these legends, everyone at the corn maze is delightful, and it’s so simple and charming that a 5-year-old could do it. These people are liars. They lied right to my face. Because of the glowing recommendations from these traitors and sadists, I decided to try out a corn maze. YOLO, am I right? I pretty much thought there would be no downside. I could take some adorable pictures for Instagram, compose a couple of hilarious tweets about being “lost,” and then drink some cider. It would be a perfect fall day. My life would be like a movie montage! So, I donned my favorite flannel, put on my walking shoes, and got ready for my 35 seconds of fun. My first shock came when I got there and the prison walls of corn stretched as far as the eye could see. I’m no expert, but I was pretty sure it would take a 5-year-old a good half day to free himself from that noise. I call false advertising. Despite my growing reservations, I bought my ticket ($10! What a racket!), and bravely entered the maze. At first, everything seemed fine. The sun was shining, the air was crisp, and there were little “hints” and “clues” that were supposed to help me find my way out. “I am almost a college graduate,” I said to myself. “I can do this!” After walking for 60 interminable minutes, I realized I was not making much progress. I couldn’t even tell if I had passed the same stretch of corn before. The clues and hints were nothing more than nonsensical scratchings on pieces of wood. I might as well have lit them on fire to send up smoke signals. And why were the walls of corn so high? It’s not like you can climb them to escape. Corn is flimsy and stupid and completely useless. Who did they think was coming to this maze? Chinese basketball players? André the Giant couldn’t see over that shit. Also, the entire time I was staggering through the neverending rows of corn, I could hear other people, but I never quite seemed to run into them. If only there were someone to guide me on my way! I heard the distant sounds of children laughing, and it seemed like they were mocking me. “WHY ARE THEY LAUGHING?” I thought. “THIS IS A TRAP AND I WILL CLEARLY DIE IN HERE. THEY ARE HERE TO TORTURE ME AND IT’S WORKING.”
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What is the one thing you are most scared of seeing in a haunted house on Halloween? “An empty condom wrapper.” - Kara W., Freshman
Finally, I ran into one of these groups of laughing fiends, and I stealthily followed 6 inches behind them until they led me to safety. They may have thought I was stalking them, but I couldn’t worry about that. Not when my survival was on the line. At long last, I was free. I now heard their laughter, and it was the laughter of angels. I was in the presence of actual cherubim and seraphim! THAT’S what I should Instagram! But as I got out my phone to document my liberation, I looked around and discovered something horrible. I was only HALF done with the maze. To make it more “challenging” and “fun,” they made you go through two distinct halves. HOW FUCKING ADORABLE.
“Sticky floors, of any kind.” - Adam K., Freshman
In my horror, I lost the group I had been following, and I stood there alone and in despair. It was almost dark, and I was starting to seriously fear for my safety. I didn’t want to get dramatic, but there have been NUMEROUS horror movies that involve corn. Children of the Corn, anyone? I’ve never seen it, but I still felt like it didn’t bode well for whether I would live or die. The scale was definitely starting to tip towards death. Also, I distinctly remember an episode of Bones where they discover a decaying corpse in a corn maze. Suddenly, I knew something like that would happen to me. I wasn’t sure if I was going to find the dead body or become the dead body, but either way, I didn’t like my odds. I started to skulk around the edges of the corn paths, hiding in shadows and pausing at every sound. Out of nowhere, I heard a giggle and a twig crack. THE SERAPHIM HAVE TURNED ON ME. THESE ANGELS ARE NOT NICE ANGELS. I turned and ran in a straight line, through the 900 feet corn walls. All I cared about was getting the hell out of Dodge. After about a minute, I emerged panting, into a crowd of laughing families. There they were, wearing autumn colors and drinking the cider I had so naïvely dreamed of. Upon seeing them, I let out a wild shriek and made a beeline for my car. I never wanted to see those people again. Yes, corn mazes are supposed to be for children. Yes, I freaked out. I lost my dignity, and possibly my sanity. Are you happy fall? You just lost your number one fan.
“Definitely most scared of seeing the girl from The Grudge. Not the American one, the Japanese one.” - Jason Y., Freshman
The Top 10
Questions for Our Presidential Candidates Political ads plague our televisions and argument wars are waged on Facebook. It’s almost voting season, which means it’s time we learn about our potential leaders. The debates don’t ask the right questions, we all know the economy sucks and we all know that we depend on oil way too much, what we don’t know is who our would-be presidents are. Here’s a list of the top ten questions that we should be asking to truly understand who we’re voting for.
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10.) Would you rather...: The questions to these answers always expose true character. Asking if they would rather “fight Mike Tyson once or talk like him for the rest of your life” gives us a good feel for who these people are and how they’ll handle the “important” problems. 9.) Are diamonds really a girl’s best friend?: We want to know if this guy knows how to treat a girl right. Are our candidates the type to offer a quick fix with an expensive gift, or are they in it for the long haul, talking slowly and sweetly to us without the need for band-aid fixes. Politics is much like a dating game where both options are equally batshit crazy, our part is to choose the one that’s going to put out in the least amount of time. 8.) Are you a cat or dog person?: A simple answer but one that speaks more about character than most questions we hear about during the debates. Just remember: one cannot have an equal love for both, pets are like children, we always love one more than the other. 7.) Boxers or briefs?: Do they like to hangout or do they like to keep things close, tight, and orderly? The age-old question and we’ve yet to hear this question asked of our presidential candidates. Maybe they like to free-ball it, this is information we need to know. 6.) If you could be any Power Ranger, which one would you be?: If they choose any ranger outside of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers of the 90s, they shouldn’t be running for president. If they even think about choosing the Red Ranger they should be put in a room with Rita Repulsa for being arrogant. Choose a better color, jerk. 5.) Coke or Pepsi?: Is our candidate overly sweet or classically calm? The colas have just as much controversy as any political problem and, again, we need to know where our guy stands. If he’s rooting for the wrong soda they might just lose a vote. 4.) White or Wheat?: Any good sandwich requires a good taste in bread. Any good politician should know how to make a good sandwich. (There’s a metaphor there, look for it.) 3.) What is your favorite Nickelback song?: If they answer anything other than “none,” they obviously have poor music taste and are therefore unfit for office. There is no such thing as a good Nickelback song. 2.) Are you capable of communication in 140 characters or less?: The president should know that our generation is lazy and that we get the majority of our news and facts from Twitter. We’re a lazy generation and we need a leader who can explain to us, in as few words as possible (@2012Election #Vote4Me) so we can actually know what’s going on. 1.) Beer or liquor?: We’re college students, we need to know that our president is down to party with us.
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Fall Fashion Faux Pas Fixes
Sarra Sedghi wrote this
Is fall really in the air? It’s debatable. Sure, our deciduous trees have finally graced us with a handful of dying leaves—it’s also still hot as balls outside.
sode of Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide? “Leave the fluffy coat at home” was the most important tip from that episode.
One thing that’s really enjoyable about this ambiguous weather is making fun of all the confused outfits on campus.
Speaking of which, I’ll be like Ned and give you some advice. Here are a few tips that will help you dress more accurately and avoid getting pit stains on your fabulous new blazer.
“What do you mean by ‘confused outfit,’” you ask? Here, I’ll give you some real-life examples: -A North Face jacket, shorts, and flip-flops. -Leggings (as pants), a sweater, and flip-flops. -Booty shorts, a hoodie, and cowboy boots. Bitches be confused, and it’s leading to some fantastic outfits born from… interesting concoctions. Girls who are too proud to admit their mistake are self-consciously walking around in thick sweaters even though they’re a hot, sweaty mess underneath. So you made an honest mistake. It happens to the best of us. Siri said today’s high would be 66 degrees and it’s currently 79 out. Or maybe you really are cold. Skinny bitches. That’s understandable; we’re all anorexic at some point. But are heavy layers necessary? Consider your experiences with the temperatures as of late. It hasn’t gotten colder than 50 degrees, and the weather was exactly the same yesterday. Did you almost have heat stroke because of your fluffy coat, much like Cookie did in the first epi-
If you’re anything like me, you check every social network you’re a member of the moment you wake up. One quick swipe and a few taps away is the weather app, which is a lot more accurate than the “OMG IT’S FALL, I’ll put on my fuzziest sweater today <3” mindset. Or you could open a window and make your own weather report. Yes, getting out of bed is a really tough concept to grasp. You know the fabulous new sweater/jacket/tall boots/ pants you just bought that you’re just dying to wear to school so you can show off to your friends or—oh, only in our dreams—get your picture taken by the campus style photographer? Save it for later. It’s hard, it really is. But it’s better to wait until the right moment than it is to saunter off to class in your new purchases, because trust us, everyone is making fun of you for looking like such a dumbass. Plus that chick is slow as hell. Homegirl took my picture two months ago and I still haven’t seen shit.
Embrace fall in a way that won’t compromise your dignity. Order a Pumpkin Spice Latte or something. You feel nice, nobody can see inside your cup, you look rich since you bought an expensive drink – triple win, you go girl! Want to wear a sweater? Well you better make sure it’s a thin one. So what if you freeze your ass off in the morning, because nobody remembers mornings anyway. Right now is a tough time when it comes to clothes. I understand! Everybody makes mistakes, right Hannah Montana? Hopefully with these tips you won’t look as stupid as Miley Cyrus did in that godforsaken wig.
The Fat Sheep
Wes Allen wrote this
The staff here at The Black Sheep takes pride in our weekly publication. Therefore, we represent the name of our paper hard! Our social networks are killing the game right now because DAYUM – we’re funny. Sometimes we’ll laugh for days on end after reading a quality @BlackSheep_UGA tweet. To be on this staff, you are required to be cool as shit—and to drink like a fish. Our staff’s performance in both aspects is off the charts, which makes us more popular than Aaron Murray. You might find us kickin’ it with our boy Herschel Walker one day, and the next we’ll be helping President Adams run UGA. Despite being incredible, The Black Sheep’s talented stable of employees has come under attack. At our favorite bars, we are no longer greeted by adoring fans with synchronized chants of, “BLACK SHEEEEP..! BLACK SHEEEEP..! BLACK SHEEEEP..!” Of course we used to get raging boners (females included) when everybody acknowledged our comedic prowess. However, that doesn’t happen anymore—the praise or the hard-ons. The sad truth is that our supporters no longer recognize us as The Black Sheep. Oh, we still get the chants thrown our way when we party like rock stars, but THIS is the bullshit we hear now: “FAT SHEEEEP..! FAT SHEEEEP..! FAT SHEEEEP..!” Yeah, we know. This fine publication is now the laughing stock of UGA, and it’s because our staff has collectively gained 400 lbs over the last month. We admit that is a substantial weight gain, but this flock of fat sheep has a scapegoat:
The season. The season of fall. The Black Sheep is just another statistic in fall’s annual attack on the human figure. First off, our staff has lost all motivation to look good. You can bet your ass that if we had to strut around a Lodge pool party, we would resemble a The Biggest Loser casting call. Seriously, it’s sweatpants season, and how noticeable is one more roll of fat going to be under a hoodie? Apparently, that little fat roll is in the shape of a sore thumb, because people take notice. We thought we could hide our fleshy bodies under our North Faces and trendy scarves, but we were horribly wrong. On a side note, scarves are worthless articles of clothing. Secondly, fall is prime time for eating quality food. HalloThanksMas (that’s three holidays combined. See? There’s that hilari-cleverness I was talking about) shenanigans depend on delicious food. Will power is for pussies, so if something looks remotely edible, we are stuffing it down our throats. We can’t help it! Our staff has crazy amounts of holiday spirit—where’s yours, Scrooge McDuck? Lastly, game days in the fall are a huge source of our weight issues. You think you drink on game days? HA! We’ll go through as many kegs of Hopsecutioner (7.3%, bitch) as you do Keystone Lights. Our game day weight gain average stands at roughly five pounds per person. Don’t believe our statistics? Call Mythbusters and we’ll bust up that outdated show. Our staff is well aware that we have been removed from the pinnacle of the social pyramid. As of now, all members of The Fat Sheep are struggling on our hands and knees, at the base of the pyramid. It
seems like only yesterday we were at the top, banging co-eds and partying with the football team. The disparity of our social lives from then to now has forced us to ponder, “Is the fame and attention over for good…? Will we forever be known as the fatties from The Fat Sheep?” To answer our own question: HELL NO. We are just innocent victims of fall’s weight wrath. But unlike our comedic wit, fall will come to an end. And when it does, The Fat Sheep will rise from our social ashes and temporarily transform into The Crack Sheep. We hate the idea of working hard to accomplish something important, so we smoke crack to shed the unwanted fall poundage. Smart, huh? We give you permission to call us The Fat Sheep for now. No really—it’s chill. Because in six months we’ll be back to sitting on top of the social pyramid sporting massive erections, while basking in your frenzied chants of: “BLACK SHEEEEP..! BLACK SHEEEEP..! BLACK SHEEEEP..!”
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bartender of the week Ana L. The Bury Relationship Status: Single as f*ck. What’s your favorite drink: Alabamer Slammer (said with a southern accent): Triple sec, amaretto, sloe gin, and orange juice. Favorite shot: Superman: Banana liquor, Mr. Boston Black Raspberry, amaretto, Bailey’s Irish Cream, and a splash of Blue Curacao. Worst drink ever: Liquid Cocaine: Jagermeister, Goldschlager, Rumplemintz. What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve seen on the job: At 8:30 a 47-year-old man asked if he could take a shot of his beer out of my belly button. When I said no, he asked if he could take pictures of it. I declined. Which Disney character would you most like to hook up with: The chameleon from Tangled. Would you rather be as fast as The Flash or have the power of invisibility and why: Invisibility, so I could sneak back into class after a test and change my answers.
the drinking game
If you could fight one celebrity who would it be: Kristen Stewart—have you seen her acting? What’s the worst pick up line you’ve ever heard in the bar: Not so much a pickup line, but “You have to go through a few thorns to get to the rose.” Needless to say, I was the rose. Have you ever spoken in a foreign accent for kicks: To get some creepy guys out of the bar I spoke in a horrible southern accent. Which Olympic athlete would you most like to take on a date: Gabrielle Douglas—I don’t have to make out with her do I? If you were some type of alcohol, what would you be and why: Tequila. Because I’m spicy, and hispanic. Have you ever had to break up a cat fight? Or did you just sit back and enjoy the show: I’ve tried, but everyone always stops me and tells me I shouldn’t.
Recipe for Disaster
social media shots
cavity bark
Face it: You’re always checking your Twitter feed or Facebook Timeline anyway. Why not make a game out of it? Instead of looking like a jerk when you’re out at a party staring at your phone and tweeting, you can turn it in to a group thing the whole gang can enjoy.
As soon as Halloween ends, all of the mounds of candy left over in grocery stores goes on sale. After an extreme binge session, you’ll most likely have become extremely bored of the redundant, Juicy-Fruit-caramely-nutty candy pieces. Fear not, because this bark of candy is guaranteed to liven up your candy-eating habits.
What You’ll Need: A Facebook or Twitter account, shot glasses, beer, and hard alcohol. Number of Players: You have like 1,000 “real” Facebook friends, right? Level of Intoxication: Enough to willingly send some nudie pics later on. How to Play: - Take out your laptop or iPhone, log in to Twitter or Facebook, and drink as follows: - Take a shot of beer every time you see: - A sob story status or tweet. - A “Happy birthday!” post. - Someone quoting a song. Take 2 if it’s Taylor Swift. - A “lyke dis if u love jesus/if u hate cancer/if u think this girl’s hot” post. - Completely uninformed political arguments. - Take a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - A picture of a girl naked/in her underwear/in a bikini. - A mirror shot of a guy showing off his muscles. - Someone announcing they’re getting engaged or having a baby. - Someone using a hashtag incorrectly. - An invite for an “I lost all my phone numbers!” event. - Give a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - Someone’s relative calling them out on an inappropriate status/picture/tweet. - Someone acting as the “grammar police” in response to a status or tweet. - Someone has favorited or retweeted your tweet or liked your status or picture. - Someone has invited you to join them in Farmville or some annoying Facebook app. - An Instagram link to a picture of food or pretty leaves. The Game Ends When: Everyone feels awful about their social lives or body image.
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What You’ll Need: Excess Halloween candy, 1/2 pound of white chocolate, and mini pretzels. Cook Time: 1 hour Fatty Factor: You’ll finally fill in that chubby pumpkin costume you bought a few weeks ago. Let’s Get Baked: - Line an 8-inch square baking pan with parchment. - Heat your chocolate up in the microwave and stir until smooth. Make sure to do it in 15-second intervals so it doesn’t burn. - Spread the chocolate along your pan. - Here comes the fun part: Take any excess candy you have and pile it onto your melted chocolate. We’re talking candy corn, Twix, everything you got! - Stick your pan in the freezer until it’s hardened. This should take about one hour. - Remove the bark from the pan and break into little pieces. - Now stuff your damn face. There are really no restrictions on this one. Except maybe leave out those nasty fruit snacks the teachers next door gave you and the pennies from the old geezer down the block. Shit’s nasty.
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The College Life of Past Presidents Andrew Jackson
Not all of the Presidents of the United States attended college, but most of them sure as hell acted like they did. We tracked down the best of the worst—the stereotypes. From fatty to fratty, below are six college stereotypes embraced by presidents long dead. By: Quinn and Brendan
Lyndon B. Johnson
The Impetuous Asshole
The Savvy Sex Machine
Every once in a while you run into the kid who’s always looking for a fight. For some reason, just boozin’ and ogling girls all night doesn’t cut it for these guys – they need to establish themselves as the manliest man in the bar. Say something even remotely offensive, like “This food is too hot,” or “Hey, where’d your girlfriend go?” and they perk up a testosterone-riddled brain boner.
Everyone comes to college with dreams of a multitude of sex partners dancing through their little brains. Then reality sets in, and you end up occasionally having sex with one girl, then get married, then die. But then there is your buddy, who you regard as a dbag but like hanging out with anyway. Perhaps you’re just jealous that, despite not being great-looking and lacking personality, this asshole manages to bring home different girls on the reg.
Though our seventh president didn’t go to college, his friends probably hated hanging out with him. Reportedly, Jackson was involved in over 100 duels. And these duels weren’t over human rights or other matters of importance, most were about the honor of his wife, Rachel. Jackson lived with a bullet in his chest from an 1806 duel, and another bullet in his arm from a barroom fight in 1813 with Missouri senator Thomas Hart Benton. Where most guys will eventually cool down and walk away from a fight, Andrew Jackson said, “No, lets take it outside. With guns.”
calvin coolidge
LBJ, or should we say “El BJ,” was just that bro. He wasn’t in the White House long before installing a buzzer in the Oval Office so the Secret Service could warn him when his wife was coming. Your buddy might have a name for the girls he always brings home because he can’t be bothered to remember their names, be it “Asian Kelly,” or “Dance Floor Jenny.” LBJ couldn’t even go that far, and just called his small army of blowjobbers his “harem.”
gerald ford
William Howard Taft The Jolly Fat Guy His shirt may say “I beat anorexia” or “there’s more of me to love,” but we know behind closed doors this guy shovels ice cream cake into his mouth as he cries himself into a sleep apnea-induced coma. William Howard Taft—prior to being eaten by a pack of wolves—was that fatass. Known as “Big Lub” during his time at Yale, he would go on to assume the 27th Presidency of the United States, where the comedic stylings of a fat suit movie continued. Taft was known for his insatiable appetite, and the gassiness that came with it. Furthermore, Fatty Fat Fat Taft famously got stuck in a White House bath tub on account of his fatness. Taft’s presidency lasted only one term which, in light of it resembling a bad Kevin James movie, is a good thing. And if his surely-marbled flesh is any indication, those wolves certainly found him delicious.
John Adams
The Couch Potato
The Dumb Jock
The Degenerate
Throughout college you’ll run the gamut of shitty roommates. From the kid who’s always “studying,” to the one who loudly bangs his overweight girlfriend, one of the most prevalent roommate-characteristics is the lazy asshole who never leaves his room.
Normal students often look on student-athletes with a haughty mixture of awe and disdain. On one hand, we love it when Jack Touchdown snags a pass to win a game in triple overtime. On the other, the idea that these guys get a free ride regardless of their academic acumen never quite exits the occipital lobe.
Wake up? Drink. Pass out? Drink. Go to class? Drink. Throw up? Drink. Some of us exist to go on and do great things, others exist as a living, breathing warning sign that things can go awry in a hurry if we don’t get our shit together. Well, unless that drunk turns out to be the second President of the United States.
With that in mind, one doesn’t expect star athletes to amount to much post-college. If the student-athlete is lucky, he’ll end up as the president of a regional fast food franchise; worse, he’ll end up president of his quickly-dwindling fan club. Then Gerald Ford comes along and shits all over your expectations.
John “The Lush” Adams had a drinking problem, and that problem, most naturally, was his lack of drink. Famously he wrote a letter to his wife stating:
Whether he developed these habits at Amherst College or not is beside the point, because Calvin Coolidge carried them into the White House. Coolidge often slept 10 hours a day, and after waking up he enjoyed the morning ritual of having his head massaged with Vaseline while he ate breakfast in bed. Here the other White House-dwellers do their part in taking care of dishes and not sleeping through the morning – but Ole Calvin sits in bed eating until noon, getting Vaseline everywhere. You suspect the strange smell emanating from his room is beginning to take over the entire house. How he manages to get his work done is inconceivable, so maybe there is something to say about a good head massagin’ every morning.
At the University of Michigan Ford starred as the football team’s starting center and starting linebacker—like your mom, he goes both ways. And in the days before helmets were worn on the field, he never suffered from pussy diseases like “brain damage” or “an early death.” The dude actually wound up as President of the United States after Nixon was forced to resign following the Watergate scandal. The dude totally smashed Keystone Light and pussy with the same vigor he did the SALT treaty. High five, bro!
“I would give three guineas for a barrel of your cider… I would give a guinea for a barrel of your beer. A small beer here is wretchedly bad. In short, I am getting nothing that I can drink, and I believe I shall be sick from this cause alone.” So yeah, hello spring break drunk dial voicemail. “Girl, I’m hammered but I jus wanna kish your mouth an have yew feed me my boozies an I jus threw up but I’ma be aiirigh---I’m gonna go sleep now, love you. Ya boo, Johnny A.”
the interview
Professional Bowler Michael Fagan
Michael Fagan is the PBA’s #3 ranked bowler. He’s a 4-time PBA Champion with one major under his belt. He’s traveled the world to bowl, and he also has a nickname: “The King of Swing.” Well, now he can check off another item off the ole’ wish list: an interview with The Black Sheep. We caught up with Mike because we were curious, what’s the life of a professional bowler like? Well, let’s find out. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How did you get interested in bowling? Michael Fagan: I started playing when I was six years old. My grandfather and mother were always bowling, so it was something I did as a kid. I looked forward to hanging out in bowling alleys on Saturday afternoon. As I got a little older I started going to tournaments every single weekend. I made a little money doing it in college, doing amateur tournaments. Trying it professionally was something I really wanted to do after college, so I joined the PBA. I had some moderate success, I paid my dues, and it’s starting to come to fruition right now. TBS: Where did you go to school? What did you study? Michael: I went to St. John’s in Queens, and I studied finance. TBS: How does one make inroads to becoming a professional bowler? Michael: In recent years they’ve definitely opened up the doors. There used to be a qualifying process, but these days if you think you’re good enough and you want to give it a shot, you pay your membership fees and you get your entries in. TBS: How did you make the jump from as you say, “moderate success,” to being one of the best bowlers in the world? Michael: Well, if you look at the first TV show I made back in 2003, I don’t throw the ball like that anymore. Back in college I was a little more irrational, more aggressive with my style—I’ve learned to tone that down a little bit, and I’ve figured out how to balance power and finesse. I’ve also learned to play the lanes differently, and that’s helped too. TBS: What’s your daily routine like? Michael: We have some tournaments coming up, so I’ve been practicing almost every single day. I’ll get up, have breakfast, hit the gym for an hour or so, check some emails, eat lunch with my fiancé, and practice for a couple of hours. Obviously in my profession you have to stay on top of the equipment, so I spend a lot of time in the pro shop trying out new balls and things like that. TBS: When you practice, how do you practice? Michael: For me it’s about working on my technique. Working on timing and releases. It’s situational things like how to play it straighter on the lanes, or if I have to hook it more, how to do that. TBS: Do you play your lane or your opponent? Michael: At the end of the day, you’re playing the lane. But, when it comes down to a match play situation, you have to pay attention to how your opponent is playing a lane, because each one of their shots can change the oil pattern. Someone with a high revolution rate, the oil pattern will change that much faster. At the end of the day, you’re bowing the pins. TBS: How much different is a competition lane from just an average lane in an average bowling alley? Michael: It’s a tough subject, honestly. When I was growing up oil was put on the lane to protect the lane. Now it’s used to alter the scoring environment with patterns. With technology and trial and error, there’s ways to oil the lane that will make the scores gigantic. There’s ways to pattern the oil where you’ll throw it towards a gutter, it’ll hit the dry boards and come back, or you’ll roll it down the middle and the ball will hold its line. We don’t bowl on those types of conditions. If you’re a decent bowler and you go to a random lane you can bowl 220 or 230 with those patterns, but we don’t play anything like that. The conditions we play on are comparatively much more difficult. It’s a tough thing, most people out there may not respect the pros because the scores on the tour may be lower than the scores in your everyday league. Bowling lanes are a business. They want people to strike, so they make the lanes easier to do that. TBS: Do you have a career highlight? Michael: Things have been going really well this past year and a half. Winning the USBC Masters this past January was my career achievement. It’s one of those events where I’ve never had a lot of success, but this year I changed my strategy. Like I was saying, in years past I’d play my opponent and their strategy, this year I just played the lane. TBS: Is there any country that’s crazy for bowling, and the layperson wouldn’t assume that to be the case? Michael: There’s actually several countries that are great in bowling, and it’s kind of a shame that bowling is not part of the Olympics yet—we have the participation and the skill level around the world. The Bowling World Cup sends one representative from each country to compete. 88 to 90 countries participate in it. Some fo the best countries out there are England, Finland, Sweden, South Korea, Malaysia, Singapore. The United States is still the best bowling country in the world, but the gap is narrowing. TBS: Is pop culture accurate? Is the 7-10 split the hardest shot? Michael: I would say I’ve made that more than I’ve made the 4-6. It’s a lot harder to slide the pin over or bounce it out, and I think I’ve only made the 4-6 once in my whole life, whereas I’ve made the 7-10 about 10 times or so. Read more about Michael at his website, faganbowling.com.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
The details in theaters november 2
Jeff and Nealy (Tobey Maguire and Elizabeth Banks) have been married for ten years and are living an ideal suburban life complete with the rocky relationship and infidelity. Just when things start getting really messy, a family of raccoons ransack their backyard and, before they know it, ruin a whole lot more than just their perfectly-manicured begonias.
flight in theaters november 2
Denzel Washington plays a badass pilot who miraculously crashlands a plane to save everyone on board. Homeboy becomes a hero, but naturally there's a catch - apparently, he had booze in his system during the time of the accident. Seems like an insignificant detail considering the circumstances, but what do we know?
100 Greatest Songs of the 90s Saturday, November 3 from 4pm - 9pm on VH1
If five straight hours of 90s hit songs sound like a great way to start your Saturday night, then this is what you'll need to be watching. So take a drink when P.Diddy is still called Puff Daddy. Take a drink when you know every word to a song. Take a drink when Britney was still hot. Take a drink for the beauty that is the 90s!
l a i t n e d i s e h s pr a m face
Eisenh
The man you see below has spend over 38 years in the White House. What, he's unrecognizable to you? Well maybe you need to hit up a high school history class, or maybe it's just because we took various presidential facial features and slapped them together. Yeah, that's it. Well, can you identify which presidential facial feature belongs to each commander in chief? If you can correctly identify the head, hair, ears, eyes, nose, mouth and moustache of each big boy, email Face@theblacksheeponline.com to claim your prize.
ower, Nixon, Obama, Kennedy Clinton, Bush Jr., Taft
the classtime
madlib: presidential speech
cept, huh? So if you had one too many ___11___’s at ___12___ and ended up grinding with ___13___ to ___14___ all night long, and he swooned you with ___15___ and then you ended up on their ___16___ and… you know… well, you can get that taken care of now. Because it’s your body that little mon• First things first, ___2___ will become ster will be brewin’ in, so it only makes legalized. Not just medicinally but, you sense. know, for ___3___ shows and marathons of ___4____. And those nasty • The troops will be coming home in time for Thanksgiving! So get excited for hangovers, my God. maxing out on ___17___ and ___18___ • Universal healthcare? Why not! If football and ___19___, because this is you broke your ___5___ while partak- America! Additionally, for the holidays ing in ___6___ fun with your favorite all who have served in the past two debooty call, fear no more! There’s no cades will receive complimentary botlonger reason to worry about ___7___ tles of ___20___, ample ___21___ and or knocking up your ___8___ anymore, ___22___ strippers, because, again, this because condoms and birth control will is America!!! be free for all! Especially for ___9____ My fellow Americans, I hope that you and ___10___, for obvious reasons. are satisfied with your choice of presi• Because it’s 2012 and not 1812, wom- dent. The next four years are going to en will have equal rights! Novel con- be bomb as hell, I swear. Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is your new president speaking, and I know that my election win comes as a shock to most of you. Rest assure that even though I only have the brains of a ___1___- cast member, this country is going to get hella better. Here is why:
Meet The Staff campus manager Cutler Sheridan Editorial manager Cutler Sheridan Advertising Managers Megan Thompson Sibonee Latty Writers Riley Humes, Jess Wise Katherine Weimer, Wes Allen Alex Edelstein, Sarra Sedghi photographer You? Come on... distribution manager Sierra Moore pr/Marketing TEAM Sierra Moore
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Disclaimer
The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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the classtime
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Pabst Blue Ribbon Always $1.50
totts pot pie toast pasta salad doughnuts grilled cheese candy cheese steak waffles
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