Delaware - Issue 1 - 2/13/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

FR FRI EE...LI DAY KE H .W H O O W YO WA N TS U A R E TO P THIS A RT Y?

Vol. 6, Issue 1

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

2/13/14 - 2/26/14

SORORITY GIRL FINDS UNLIKELY

ROMANCE IN FRATERNITY BOY BY: SHANNON POULSEN Kelly Braun finally found love after three back-to-back single Valentine’s Day when she met Brandon Myer at Kildare’s last Friday. Braun, a member of a sorority at UD, followed her sisters’ advice to “open her heart” and “give a chance to the guys you normally wouldn’t,” which led to her acceptance of a drink from Myer.

in lonely girls willing to spend the night with brothers, but Myer has never “closed the deal” on V-Day.

“I knew that this guy was different. I normally don’t go for the pastel button-up and construction boot look, but Brandon used a unique pick-up line and made my heart flutter” said Braun.

Braun shared her excitement with her sisters, thanking them profusely for opening her eyes.

The brothers of Myer’s fraternity gave him advice as well before attending Kildare’s happy hour. “Girls are so vulnerable during the Valentine’s season -- you know the, like, two weeks before when Walgreens starts advertising chocolate sales. It’s like, show up with a box and Automatic lay. I told Brandon to be suave, buy a girl a drink with fruit, and say some line about love at first sight. Obviously it worked, so yeah, I’ve got this down” said fraternity brother Kevin Times. With further investigation into Myer’s motive to pair up for the upcoming Valentine’s Day, we asked Times a few questions about Myer’s past V-Days. According to Times’ memory, Myer spent the past two Valentine’s Days at UD trying to hook up with chicks at the fraternity house. These special parties are arranged to pull

“I bet he doesn’t want to look like a loser anymore, so he’s with Kelly. And I mean, it’s not a bad thing. She’s pretty hot” said Times.

“We have such cute plans for V-Day! First, we’re gonna go to IHOP and get the buyone get-one deal with pancakes. Isn’t that so quirky and fun? Like everyone else will be going to Sante Fe or something but no, we’re doing IHOP! Afterwards, we’re gonna get drinks at Kate’s. We met at Kildare’s, so to go to a new bar is like, breaking new ground. Post-bars we’ll see what happens, but I have a good feeling on some romantic surprise happening” shared Braun. After repeatedly attempting to contact Myer about the plans, he finally responded that currently no romantic surprise is planned. Myer recently wrote in a Facebook post set to “public” that she is “happy to be spending time with someone again.” She further mentioned in the comments that she enjoys “going out in a non-party setting” with “someone.” She failed to mention any specific characteristics of Braun.

After even more contact attempts, Myer agreed to an interview. “I like her, man. She’s pretty cool. I think her hair is pretty nice and her communication interest major is interesting,” said Braun. “A defining characteristic? Well her UGG boots are sparkly so I can always find her in a crowd, as long as I can see everyone’s feet.”

In the new romance exists room for personal and Greek-life growth. Braun will attend her first “real fraternity party,” forgetting that she has, indeed, been to plenty before. She additionally will go to Myer’s fraternity house, where he currently resides, and use the bathroom real quick. Myer will get a glimpse into sorority jealousy as Braun explains her single

friends’ sad stories over dinner, repeating how she is so happy to be with someone. In the end, they will both benefit from this unusual pairing. “I’m so glad this is working out. Who knew that I could find someone as unique as me in a crowded bar full of average people? It feels good to be together. Established February 7th 2013, heart.”

PAGE 4 VALENTINE’S DAY? MORE LIKE PALENTINE’S DAY!

PAGE 12 HARKER’S VALENTINE’S DAY PLANS LEAKED

PAGE 13 FRATERNITY EXPERIMENTS WITH NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER

FOLLOW JOE ON HIS JOURNEY TO BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE.

CHECK OUT HOW PREZ LOVE DOCTOR GETS IT ON!

THE RESULTS WILL STILL YOU WASTED.

• KEEP UP WITH US! • @THEBLACKSHEEP_UD • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM •

Meet the Staff <<

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WRITERS Chase Karpus, Sarah Allen, Shiv Patel Carolyn Beaty, Mike Cox, Russel Kogan, Melinda Nanovsky, Matt Roarty, Alexis Miller, Shannon Poulsen

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VALENTINE’S DAY? MORE LIKE PALENTINE’S DAY! A Letter from Joe BY: JOE ZIEGLER Valentine’s Day is almost upon us and with it a whole host of expectations and responsibilities. Expectations: romance, magic, wonder. Responsibilities: making reservations, spending money, having access to contraception. It’s enough to make anyone’s head spin, and – if the dull, throbbing headache I’m starting to feel is any indication – my head is already spun right ‘round. But this is one record I’m lifting up the needle for, because let’s face it: Valentine’s Day is a corporate sham thrust upon us by the oligarchic overlords to convince us to spend money between the only true holidays, New Year’s and Easter, as well as to keep us lethargic and susceptible to stress-purchases by the overconsumption of chocolate and flesh. Love is fleeting, people. Over half of marriages end in divorce. Look at the person to your left. Now look at the person to your right. Now call your parents because, while you were looking around, they got divorced. Hope the material benefit of

two Christmases blunts the emotional trauma of finding out romance is an evolutionary prelude to soulless, existentially meaningless reproduction. Andre “3000” Benjamin, star of 2005’s Be Cool and Gillette spokesman, once asked about love, “forever, forever ever, forever ever?” Alas, the answer is never. So this February 14th, join me in not celebrating the biologically pre-determinate lust function that manipulates us into being blindly obedient cogs in the consumerist machine. Instead, find the time to recognize the more lasting virtues of friendship. There will be no Valentine’s Day in the Ziegler house. But for anyone who is willing to pull up a seat, grab a cold one, and talk silly late into the night, consider yourself invited to the first annual Palentine’s Day. Palentine’s Day is an opportunity to

strengthen your relationships with the people who matter most. A lover will use you, abuse you, and accuse you of horrible misdeeds in a court of law in order to ensure they get the dog in the divorce. The bond between friends is ionic; the bond between lust monkeys is covalent. In Stand By Me, grown-up Wil Wheaton says, “I never had any friends like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?” Don’t worry Jesus, I’ve got the answer for this one. It’s no, and that’s why you gotta stick with the ones you make. Next time you’re tempted to make a booty call, make it your duty to call your friends instead. Friends are the ones who make you laugh when you shouldn’t. Friends are the ones who know all the worst things about you and choose not to reveal them in angry post break-up Facebook posts. Friends are the ones who will only make fun of the size of your penis jokingly, instead of in front of other women to paranoid-ly

ward off any challengers to your affection. I’ve bought new Beats speakers and borrowed access to my older brother’s Spotify Premium account. I have a keg in the corner and two six-foot-long subs on the table. I’ve moved the furniture to the sides of the room and hooked up a kick-ass la-

Lotsa

ser that produces a mini light show. Feel free to swing on by and spend the night with people whose attachment to you isn’t predicated on whether you got the right type of bouquet from the florist. There are no flowers here, but Palentine’s Day is in full bloom.

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ON THE STREETS WHAT IS THE WORST THING YOU COULD RECEIVE AS A VDAY GIFT? Maddie

“Any sort of live animal.”

Jenna

“A venereal disease.”

L a u re n

“A break-up text.”

THE

TOP

TEN

BEYONCÉ TRAITS TO BE A GOOD VALENTINE

a’s!

erit argh

M at at E e om

TBS STAFF WROTE THIS If your love life has been bringing you down all semester, the last thing you want is to feel even worse about yourself on Valentine’s Day. How do you seal the deal on February 14th without trying way too hard or cracking under pressure? Don’t worry. All you gotta do is channel your inner Beyoncé. We’ll show ya how! 10.) Have Friends with Benefits: Political benefits that is. There’s nothing more powerful than knowing the right people to make you look like a hot shot. For example, Beyoncé has Barack and Michelle, and try telling us that isn’t intimidating (and sexy) as hell. At the university level, go for the student body president. Or, if you wanted someone with actual power to impress your crush, you could always befriend the door guy at the bar. 9.) Be Confident: Bey makes the world her catwalk (see “Crazy in Love” music video for proof), and there’s nothing sexier than someone who loves who they are without being a jackass about it. Turning heads requires a commanding presence. Not overwhelming cleavage (although a little bit of it is OK by us). 8.) Be Bootylicious: College is the Era of the Booty, and we don’t think you’re ready for this jelly. Boobs are a high school boy’s game. If you’re looking to attract winners, drop it like a squat. This goes for men too; women like a tight butt in jeans. So stop saying you “don’t have time” to get to the gym. Your ass will thank you in the long run. 7.) Close the Book: No one needs to know every detail about your life; a little mystery can be enticing. It’s also the reason people are obsessed with Beyoncé and Jay. It’s their undisclosed life that keeps people wanting more. (Who is Blue Ivy, really?) So before you post about your “rad poop” you just had, think about who’s gonna be reading it. 6.) Be Independent: Bey has been with Jay-Z for over a decade, but you never see her leaning on him to get through her career. If your dude doesn’t want to go out tonight, so what? Who cares? Go with the girls and do your own thing, just don’t get caught by a sexy Twitter contributor.

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5.) Become Mononymous: Being known by a single name is a power move, especially if it’s a common one. Granted, you’ll have to either be talented enough or outrageous enough to make that mononym stick. Just remember, the Queen B always keeps outrageous classy, so make sure your underwear stays on at least. 4.) Be Passionate: Find something that you truly love and express it. People can sense when others are just faking it ‘til they make it. If you’re genuine in what you’re passionate about, people will be drawn to your enthusiasm and respect you even more. Maybe you’re really into tequila? Show us how fast you can take 10 shots! 3.) Step Out of the Shadow: Constantly playing the wingman leaves you on the DL for dating. Stepping out as the Beyoncé once in awhile shows people that your best friend isn’t the only one who can sit on a pedestal. Our point? Stop being the Kelly Rowland of your group, dammit.

COME SEE WHAT ALL THE

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2.) Be Unpredictable: Like dropping a visual album in the middle of the night or casually rubbing your belly to announce your pregnancy at the VMAs. You may not be able to go as extreme as Mrs. Knowles-Carter, but you can certainly be wild and spontaneous once in awhile … safely, of course. 1.) Be Your Own Sasha Fierce: Not even Beyoncé can be Beyoncé all the time. Create your own alter ego that will allow you to step out of your comfort zone and show people who you really are. (This is basically just a fancier way of saying “create a drunk name”).

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SUN.

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MON.

$6.99 All You Can Eat Pizzas, Breadsticks and Bolis! 5-8pm All Day and Night! $2 Single You Call Its, $10 Cover Charge Free Admission w/ UD I.D.

Burger Night! $5 1/2 lb. Burgers $2 Rail Pints & Bud Light Pints, $3 16oz Long Island Pints, $4 Fireball Karaoke Dance Party! 10pm

1/2 Price Nachos, Quizzo Tuesday Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!

Karaoke from 9-1am! $3 Singles, $5 Doubles

$0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $2.50 Coors Light

TUES.

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1/2 Price Sandwiches and Salads, 1/2 Price Appetizers 9-close, Live Music Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Blue Moon, $3 Captain Drinks

Wings and Yuengs $0.55 Wings, $2 Yuenglings

Half Price Burgers

WED.

Tuesday - Karaoke Night Wednesday - Wings and Yuengs

$2.50 COORS LIGHT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!

$12 Dinner Entrees, 1/2 Priced Bottles of Wine Free Hapy Hour Taco Buffet! $2.50 Coors Light

THURS.

ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles, $4.50 RBVs

SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour! Monday-Thursday, 6pm-8pm 1/2 Prize Apps, 22oz Draft Specials, $3 Beer of the Month Pints

EVERYDAY! $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light

College Night!

FRI.

FREE Happy Hour Carving Station 9pm - Close: $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts, $3 Rail Drinks, SoCo Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls., $4 Captain Morgan Drinks, $5 Senor Creepy

Same as It Ever Was...

Valentine’s Day Cards Revisited Scurried away in a box somewhere in a parent’s basement is a collection of a childhood memories-- artifacts of days gone by. Among them, certainly, are Valentine’s Day cards, issues school-wide at a set time for fairness to all. these Valentine’s Day cards are brief snapshots of who one was then, but these snapshots also reveal who this person who was, now is. The Black Sheep has dug up six Valentine’s Day cards from our staffers’ past, and not surprisingly, they tell the story of who these weirdos are now.

Dependent Dave

Self-Lovin’ Stephen

How Dave Was Raised: His teddy bear, Bobo, was wrapped in a safety blanket, which was tied to a rope, which led to his parents’ bedroom. If he pulled, it would ring a bell. Mom and dad would both come running, because they didn’t want to take Dave to the hospital for hyperventilation… again.

How Stephen Was Raised: Steve was an only child whose vigorously religious parents didn’t show much affection. Idle hands are the Devil’s playthings, they say, and without TV or friends, Stephen was oftentimes left alone to entertain himself.

What 3rd Grade Was Like: Crippling anxiety led to Dave being homeschooled by second grade. He was the star of the basketball team, though, and they went undefeated against their arch-rivals, the Invisibles. Heck, they shut ‘em out 14-0! Where Dave is Now: The wife jumped ship after Dave followed her on a business trip to Atlanta, but the last six months in therapy have worked wonders for Dave. Plus, he’s pretty sure his therapist has a thing for him — she always answers his calls in the middle of the night, and she’s always asking him about his feelings.

What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sure, Stephen didn’t have many friends, but he didn’t need any. At school he’d prefer to work alone, and during recess he’d play hide-and-go-seek with himself in one of the bathroom stalls. Stephen didn’t need attention from others, he had himself, a playroom that locked from the inside, and an imagination that would make a 15-year-old jealous. Where Stephen is Now: There were thousands of people out there just like Stephen, and he knew it was a safe bet. After making a small fortune on the futures stock of Jergens’ new So Soft: For Him lotion, Stephen retired to a lovely suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah. With a T1 connection and admin privileges on six different pornography torrent sites, his only interaction with humans these days is when he talks to the Jimmy John’s delivery man through the door. “The money’s in the mail box,” he grunts, “leave the Totally Tuna on the doorstep.”

Swingin’ Sally How Sally Was Raised: One time Sally’s babysitter had an emergency, and she had to drop Sally and her brother off back at Sally’s parents’ place. It was weird—Sally thought they were out of town, but here were 10 cars up and down the block! When she walked inside her mom told her dad that the swing in the basement was broken. Sally wasn’t allowed in the basement, though. Why couldn’t she sit in the swing? What 3rd Grade Was Like: Tim left Sarah, then

Politically Correct Corey How Corey Was Raised: All the other kids could go crying to their mommies, but Corey was forced to have “open tear dialogue” twice a week with a “parental advisor.” What 3rd Grade Was Like: During gym class Corey would often self-eliminate himself from dodge ball matches, fearing he might be forced to make some non-PC decisions about who he should hit

Billy left Diane, then Corey left Tanya, then Eric left Molly, then Aaron left Bethany, then Robert left Suzy, then Sally realized the power she had over the opposite sex. It turned into a game of Pokémen, she had to catch them all. Where Sally is Now: After years of meticulously pouring through the Craigslist casual encounters section, Sally lives happily with her man-harem in warm and sunny Austin, Texas. The quirky eightsome all enjoy each other’s company during the day, but when the lights go out at night it’s a sausage party, and she’s the buns.

with a ball. Sure, Martha may be a little overweight and asthmatic, but is an easy kill worth the weight on his conscience, knowing he’d be responsible for a hip replacement she might need when she’s 80? Where Corey is Now: Corey currently lives in Portland with his life-partner Sasha and their twoyear-old daughter, Milanesa. When Corey isn’t spending his free time writing freelance opinion pieces promoting the abolishment of genderspecific pronouns, he can be found assembling cruelty-free cardboard shelves in his soon-to-be open paleo-vegan neighborhood grocery.

Sam the Stalker How Sam Was Raised: Sam spent many hours in timeout, both at home and at school. He grew to enjoy being present without participating in most situations. What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sam’s favorite times at school were when all the 3rd grade classes would swap classrooms to learn different subjects. Every day from noon to one he sat in Sarah Mason’s seat. One day he found her diary in the desk, one day

Bondage Ben How Ben Was Raised: Ben grew up with four rowdy older brothers and a mom “physical” enough to handle them. It wasn’t often that he got attention from her, but when he did, she made sure he didn’t act out again. What 3rd Grade Was Like: Ben kept quiet for the most part, but was oftentimes found to be the sneaky instigator behind playground fights. If

he smelled her mittens, and one day he found her address. Where Sam is Now: Sam lives a quiet life in Tallahassee, Florida. During the day he works at as a deliveryman whose daily route just so happens to include Sarah Mason’s work, home, favorite restaurant, hair dresser, grocery store, coffee shop and a certain tree outside her bathroom. He lives with his dog Rex and an amorphous collection of blond hair, chewing gum, and semen in his basement, named Sarah.

the teacher ever sided with Ben, his attacker was left angry and confused. “You don’t understand,” they’d plead, “he was literally asking for it!” Where Ben is Now: Right now Ben is being sat on by a 250-lb, latex and leather-clad she-woman in a dimly-lit, unfurnished basement. With one last exhale he’ll be on the brink of unconsciousness, and though “ganana brabber” is his safe word, he has yet to say it. Instead, his final breath is spent on “yes mamma!” while Big Bertha whips his thighs with a small cane and cranks the Rob Zombie.

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship: Bartenders are always single. Favorite Drink: Miller Lite with shot of Fireball Favorite Shot: Fireball

If you had to compete in one thing to save the earth, what would that thing be?: Throwing a good party.

Disgusting Shot: Coal miner’s spit (vodka with mayo in it)

What euphemism for sex is your favorite?: “Tapping dat ass.”

Who was the best bar patron you’ve ever had?: The Eagle’s LeSean McCoy on St. Patty’s Day because he walked around with a bottle of Grey Goose like a baller.

What’s something you believe in that other people think you’re crazy for believing?: I like going to work on Fraturdays, I love Fraturdays.

What drink best encapsulates your dancing style?: AC Slater, drunk sloppy dancing.

Say, do you know where I can score some Percocet?: No, that’s what we have AC Slaters for.

Where’s the best place to hide in this bar?: The handicapped bathroom.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: If you’re at Grotto not getting any studying done, why not do some light reading?

SCHMIDTY of Grotto DRINKING GAME You’re Alone and No One Loves You Campus will be alive with lovers this Valentine’s Day, and if you found the brownie ball recipe to your right, chances are you’re still single. Find another unloved friend of yours (or play the game alone, like you do every day) and wander around campus with your favorite bottle of booze. What You’ll Need: Alcohol and sadness. Number of Players: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be crying by the end of the night. How to Play: - Get your alcohol ready to go in whichever sneaky way your prefer—leftover Jimmy John’s cup, water bottle, brown paper bag, etc. - Wander around campus and take a drink for the following: - A girl trying to look strong as she buys a pint of Ben & Jerry’s from the grocery store (drink twice if it’s Chunky Monkey). - A girl being an ungrateful bitch and whining to her boyfriend. - A boy hurrying down the street with a bouquet of flowers (drink twice for an oversized teddy bear). - Two bros together putting on a façade of happiness; you know they’re dead inside. - Someone buying a card without even reading it. - People waiting to be seated at a not-so-romantic restaurant. - Someone using the phrase “Singles Awareness Day.” - A couple that has one member way hotter than his or her partner. - Every time you see a couple passionately kiss (drink twice for an ass grab). - Every time you hear someone say, “Aw, you shouldn’t have!” - A couple having a fight in a public place. - Finish your drink if you see someone being proposed to. The Game Ends When: Your liquor is gone and you decide to go buy yourself some Chunky Monkey too.

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Five words to describe the current state of your checking account: In need of spring semester.

RECIPE for DISASTER Boyfriend Brownie Balls Alone this Valentine’s Day? Who needs love when you can date food instead? This recipe is the perfect combination of chocolate, cookie dough and more chocolate. Your lady parts may not be getting lucky any time soon, but your mouth sure is! What You’ll Need: 3/4 cup butter (softened), 3/4 cup brown sugar, 1/4 cup white sugar, 2 tbsp milk, 1 tsp vanilla extract, 2 cups flour, 2 cups mini chocolate chips, 1 box of fudge brownie mix, and 1 package of chocolate almond bark Cook Time: 2 hours Fatty Factor: Calories don’t count when you’re sad. Let’s Get Baked: - In a bowl, mix together the butter and sugars until it’s all nice and creamy. - Slowly add in the milk and vanilla extract until combined. - Add in the flour and a tiny pinch of salt. Mix until you have some smooth dough. - Line a baking sheet with foil and make sure there’s room in your freezer for these bad boys. - Scoop out tablespoon-sized balls of dough

and place them on the sheet. Put them in the freezer for about an hour to harden. - While your balls are blue-ing, make your brownies per the directions on the box. You might need some eggs and oil. When they’re done, let them cool before going onto the next step. - Remove the frozen balls from the freezer. - Cut the cooled brownies into small squares and flatten them in your hands. - Put a cookie dough ball in the middle of each brownie square and wrap the brownie around it. - Once all the balls are covered, put them back in your freezer for another 30 minutes. - Melt the chocolate bark over the stove, being careful not to burn it or let it boil. Heat it up just enough so the chocolate melts. - Take the balls out of the freezer and dip them in the melted bark with a fork, making sure they’re completely covered. Then sprinkle chocolate chips on top! - Put them in the fridge for a few minutes to harden up, then dig in! This is the one and only time you’ll thoroughly enjoy having balls in your mouth.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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UPDATE: PALENTINE’S DAY FROM JOE BY: JOE ZIEGLER

According to Spotify, I’ve listened to Bon Iver’s “Blood Bank” twenty times in a row now. At this point, it is just a dull repetition in my head. For the last eight plays I have stared directly at the Beats Pill the song is coming out of. I am more and more convinced the Pill is also meant to be used as a dildo, but I have no one to share this observation with. It is Palentine’s Day, and I am alone. I tried calling all my friends, most of whom didn’t respond at all. Others were out of town, on dates, or both. One replied, “Who is this?” That’s a good question, I guess. No one else on my phone could come either. I hadn’t watched Stand By Me in a long time. There’s a lot of stuff you forget about a movie when it’s been that long. Like I forgot the scene where the narrator says, “It happens sometimes. Friends come in and out of our lives, like busboys in a restaurant.” Where are my busboys? The kitchen was empty when I went to put the six-foot and five-and-a-halffoot subs away in the fridge. The only visitor I’ve had was a guy from an Israeli student group on campus who was concerned that I was hosting a Palestine Day party and handed me literature combatting common conceptions about the conflict. I’ve read it twelve times. I don’t know enough about the issue to comment on any of the claims. The Nobel Prize in Physics was recently awarded to some scientists who discovered that the universe was accelerating, which means the universe will never collapse back

in on itself. At some point, 14 billion years ago, the universe happened and it was the first time it happened and it will always happen and never end. If the universe were decelerating, then we would have an endless cycle of death and rebirth. There is a Big Bang and then a Big Crunch and there have been infinite (or at least there will be infinite) peoples and civilizations and young beings who go through the same utterly insignificant pains as we do, and they have infinite varieties of love and longing, things we hold to be the most important because, well, something has to be the most important and it might as well be love, ‘less it be something of smaller joy and we remind ourselves for a second that the universe is essentially a giant void, with all the pain that brings with it. And for a while there was a chance to console ourselves with the thought that though we may all die and all our insignificances would perish alongside us, our deaths would lead to a new life and, at least for a while, other beings would get to experience their own joys and tribulations, and they in turn another, and, in a way, love would never die, at least not forever. But if the universe is accelerating, there will be no endless cycles of love, but instead, expand until we die out and the stars die out and the void will get bigger and bigger with less stuff in it, certainly nothing that can cry or dance or breathe or write cheap prose on the existential despair of the universe. According to Spotify, I’ve listened to Bon Iver’s “Blood Bank” twenty-seven times in a row now.

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Exclusive: President Harker’s

Valentine’s Day Plans Leaked President Harker’s Valentine’s Day plans were revealed to the public last Monday. A leaked PowerPoint presentation shows Harker’s carefully laid out plans for his whole V-Day, and the public has described what lies therein as “disturbing” and “animalistic.” Further investigation into the PowerPoint shows that the slides have a background of YoUDee in a French maid outfit. Below The Black Sheep will give you an exclusive look into the contents with you the contents of the PowerPoint. Slide 1: Choke the Blue Hen, 9:00 a.m.-10:00 a.m.” Ingredients: stick of butter, a neck tie, and billiard balls.”

Slide 2: Pet Flacco, 10:00 a.m.-3:00 p.m.’ [15 pictures of a Yorkie with the name tag Flacco laying on his back and exposing his underside] Slide 3: Pet Flacco cont. [Audio files of the following songs: “Hollaback Girl” by Gwen Stefani, “When A Man Loves A Woman” by Percy Sledge, and “Just the Way You Are” by Billy Joel] Such song choices raise suspicion as to the five hours dedicated to dog petting, however, many have found solace that “[Harker] at least has a decent taste in music.” The rest of the PowerPoint has no trace of his wife, no dates for Valentine’s Day, and frankly no traces of knowing it’s Valentine’s Day at all. In fact, The Black Sheep is under the frightening suspicion that this could be his daily routine. From 3 p.m. on there is nothing but slides titled “TBA.” We initially thought it was “To Be Announced,” however, the pictures proved otherwise, as every picture in the remaining 30 slides of the PowerPoint depict both real and poorly-photoshopped pictures of him crawling and leading packs of dogs. We determined the “TBA” means “To Be Animal,” leading us to believe Harker finds true, unconditional love with animalsbut some find that hard to believe. But some find that hard to believe. Animal rights activists have taken immediate action and launched a “Free Flacco” campaign against Harker on the grounds of bestiality and animal pornography. There is definitely more to develop from this leaked PowerPoint, and we encourage you to look to The Black Sheep to bring more breaking news to you. Eduardo Rainden Wrote This

The Black Sheep is

Hiring Writers can you write a decent dick joke? do you giggle just thinking about dick jokes?

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Local Parodic Newspaper Writer Dead, 21 By: The Black Sheep Staff Joe Ziegler, 21, went to be with the Lord yesterday, February 15th, 2014. Ziegler, a junior at the University of Delaware, wrote for The Black Sheep for a little over a semester. During that time, he managed to write seven articles for the publication, four of which have no tangible evidence that they were ever read by anyone besides The Black Sheep editors. Ziegler is presumably survived by loving family of some sort. The Black Sheep staff never really bothered to ask him about anything, unfortunately. He just kind of handed in his work and wrote passiveaggressive responses to editing suggestions. Ziegler also presumably had many hobbies and talents. He seemed to enjoy the music of Bon Iver, for instance. He was also a fan of Rob Reiner’s classic comingof-age tale Stand by Me. A funeral service was already held at Resurrection Parish, 3000 Videre Dr, Wilmington, DE 19808. We are not sure if Ziegler was actually Catholic or not, but that seems to be a good indicator that he was. Just to be safe we put in the “with the Lord yesterday” bit instead of something else, like “put to eternal rest” or “passed away suddenly.” We are almost fairly certain you can’t just put “died” in an obituary, even though that would be a lot more direct. On the plus side, having to use more fanciful language helps fill the word count quota. Also, if you are interested in writing for The Black Sheep, we cannot pay you and you cannot really put it on your resume, but you will feel good about it, if that is the type of thing you are into. Sometimes we go bowling. One time we went roller-skating at the Christiana Skating Center. Just let us know!

FRATERNITY EXPERIMENTS WITH

NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER, SOCIETY CRUMBLES BY: RUSSEL KOGAN This past Sunday, what started as a friendly science experiment turned out to be an accurate reenactment of Asher Roth’s “I Love College,” leading to a riot and one extremely disappointed President Harker. Theta Theta Theta member Erwin Shuster conducted a study about the effects of non-alcoholic brew on the college-aged mind. “It was supposed to be a classic placebo experiment,” Shuster said. “Can just the thought of being drunk actually produce drunkenness symptoms? I think so.” Shuster is a senior Psychology major at UD. He also happens to be TriTheta’s party coordinator. When he’s not organizing “sick ragers,” he enjoys hazing incoming fraternity brothers, drinking, and pooping. “People think fraternities are all about drinking and partying,” Shuster’s lab partner and fellow fraternity brother Chuck White said while drinking a half-full bottle of Captain Morgan.

“The truth is, we are curious, intellectual people.” Shuster bought eight kegs of Beck’s non-alcoholic brew for Tri-Theta’s “party of a lifetime.” To get the party going, he tricked a mob of fraternity brothers into the alcohol-less basement by promising there’d be a Vineyard Vines giveaway contest. There, he began serving the non-alcoholic beer. Within minutes, hundreds of people showed up at the back entrance of the fraternity house. One fraternity brother, Mark Berg, remembers, “Once people heard that there was beer that wasn’t as shitty as the usual Natty Lite, it was as if people thought the basement was paved with gold. We couldn’t stop people from coming. There were just too many.” Contrary to Shuster’s hypothesis, the students reacted like any group of drunk students would. “There were clear signs of dizziness,

nausea, loss of inhibition, loss of coordination, and increase in the ability to ask out that really hot girl from math class,” Shuster reported in his notes. Frat bro Richie Hayward commented, “The party seemed like any ordinary party. Tens were kissing twos. Girls were twerking on walls. Guys were punching walls.” In addition, somehow, several people vomited. “Everyone needed to pee really badly,” noted freshman attendee Kate Jameson. “We wanted to get more fucked up, so we kept going back to the keg.” For guys, alcohol was used as an excuse for not engaging in sexual activity. Freshman Scott Crowley, said, “I probably could have brought the girl of my choice back to my room, but all the girls there were way too shitfaced, and I wasn’t. I would have felt bad taking advantage of a girl like that.”

For girls, alcohol was used as an excuse to cry and drunk-text their exes. A text from Stacey Weiner, to her exboyfriend of 6 months read: “I’m sssoo drnknunkurnk.” Eventually, the party got out of control. One attendee even described the scene as a “drunk orgy from hell.” At this point, Shuster needed to call off the experiment. Hundreds of sober students stumbled up the stairs and out of the house’s basement. Next, the Delaware students did what felt natural: rioted. Students ran through the streets, yelling and acting reckless. Some even walked on the roofs of cars. Moments later, the University of Delaware police arrived to the scene. They isolated several students whom they planned to arrest, and to the surprise of both the police officers and the students, all BAC tests read 0.0. Several people were charged for reckless behavior. University officials

traced the riot back to Shuster, but after describing the experiment, he was let off without any charges. According to Shuster, “What happened was unfortunate. However, there are things we can learn from this. One, there will always be those tools who pretend to be drunker than they really are. Two, UD students don’t need to be drunk to riot. Maybe this schools need a new major: common sense.” After reviewing the facts, President Harker has decided to “remove all non-alcoholic beverages from the UD campus.” This includes all drinks offered at dining halls, as well as any form of running water that exists throughout campus.

“Riots are not going to be tolerated,” Harker announced. “If students can get drunk on non-alcoholic beer, then they can get drunk on anything. The only way to insure that a riot does not happen again is to make UD a dry campus. An entirely, literally-dry campus.” Harker explained, “Not being able to shower or use the bathroom is the sacrifice we are willing to make to prevent occurrences like this. I would rather have outsiders think of UD as a smelly school than as a party school.” What began as a harmless social experiment led President Harker to make drastic policy changes that will rid UD of running water. The question lies: what has society come to?

the madlib: scrolling through twitter Whoops, here we go again. I was sitting on the bus, on my way to ___1___’s apartment, trying to drink some ___2___ and maybe play some ___3___, you know, really chill out for a bit. But then I got on Twitter and I became stressed. ___4___ tweeted a picture of herself licking a bottle of ___5___ with her legs wrapped around ___6___ with the caption, “YOLO, gettin’ mad ___7___and getting turnt up in ___8___!” I was like, okay that ___9___ but low-key I was jealous. Should I be doing the same? Then I saw The Onion tweeted a headline, “19-year-old Says Her Future as a ___10___ Will Go Well, ___11___ Laughs.” But that’s what I’m studying!!! What, should I change my major to ___12___ and never drink and stay in ___13___ all day and night and just chain smoke ___14___??? UGH. So then I tweeted, “Heading to ___15___’s to zen out. Namaste.” Almost instantly ___16___ favorited my tweet and I instantly felt self-conscious. Namaste? What the fuck! I’ve only done yoga once and it was during spring break ___17___ and I ended up leaving half way through because I was___18___-hungover and puking. By the time I got off the bus, all I wanted to do was rip shots of ___19___. And wouldn’t you know it, I walked into my friend’s living room and saw her drinking from a fifth. “I was just sitting on Facebook and started feeling really bad about myself,” she said, looking at me with already glossed-over eyes. “And I have ___20___ in the oven.” I walked over to her, took a swig, gave her a hug, and realized everything was alright.

1) Friend 2) Type of beer 3) Old-school game 4) Young female celebrity 5) Liquor 6) Gangster rapper 7) Slang for intoxicated 8) Major city 9) Derogatory term for women 10) Career

11) World leader 12) Hard major 13) Main library name 14) Cigarette brand 15) Friend from #1 16) Annoying acquaintance 17) Year you graduated from high school 18) Fruity drink 19) Popular liquor 20) Dessert