Vol. 6, Issue 3
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
GRE
EN FREE.. DYE .LI IN Y KE OUR BEE
R.
3/13/14 - 3/19/14
UNIVERSITY BOOKSTORES PREPARE FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS With St. Patrick’s Day fast approaching, UD’s bookstore has been preparing for its favorite day of the year. The staff worked hard this past week to fit the occasion. “St. Patrick’s Day is a great day for a bookstore because of Ireland’s rich literary history,” says Holly O’Dowd, the library’s manager. “For example, we always have a table on the ground floor for different themes and genres of books, and for this occasion we’ve made a nice little display for the curious reader looking to learn a bit more about the culture of Ireland.” The table features such Irish classics as The Ultimate Beer Guide, The Ultimate Beer Guide 2, and Butt Chugging for Beginners, both in the paperback version and the 50th anniversary leather-bound cover. “It’s important for people to understand the history of Ireland and St. Patrick’s Day itself, since so much of its meaning can be lost in the celebrations. It’s why we take such pride in making available these sophisticated backgrounds in Irish culture, like The Lucky Little Leprechaun and The Lucky Charms Puzzle Book,” she added.
While the school bookstore prepares well, the local family-owned competitor Liebermans is not to be outdone. “We’ve focused more on the fiction Ireland has produced, like the great novels I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell and Assholes Finish First by Tucker Max. We help students properly celebrate the holiday in the traditional sense, having moved our Seamus Heaney table to the back to make room for more shot glasses,” said Liebermans general manager Colin McAdams. Competition between the bookstores has been high since last St. Patrick’s Day, when Liebermans exchanged cases of beer for used textbooks to underage students. The Black Sheep was able to get in the middle of the two bookstore employees during a confrontation. “Liebermans display is alright and Assholes is a personal favorite of mine, but I think they leave out a lot of Ireland’s more somber side,” commented O’Dowd. “There’s a lot of serious literature we have that they don’t, like Bar Fights for Dummies and The Big Book of
Hangover Cures, to remind us of all the morning-after’s of Ireland’s history.” “O’Dowd can shut her filthy mouth,” replied McAdams. “We have beads. Does she have beads?” he asked, while shaking a fistful of plastic green necklaces. “Plus, she skipped over the entire margarita-recipe genre of Irish literature,” holding a copy of Sugar and Lime Rimjobs. “This book is like Ireland’s Ulysses.” In response to McAdams’ question, O’Dowd shared, “We in fact do have beads,” as she flaunted her store’s traditional Irish decorum of shamrock sunglasses and headbands, as well as several cardboard cutouts of pint glasses and pots of gold. “We also dug into the more esoteric annals of Irish literature, like Texts From Last Night: 2014 Page a Day Calendar, and the complex Irish romance novel The Game.” UD itself began preparations for St. Patrick’s Day. “Irish literature is not nearly as respected as it should be. The poverty in its history, and its position under another nations’ foot
for so many years has left it with the stereotype of unsuccessfulness and alcoholism, which can easily be rectified should people pay the slightest attention to the writings of the true culture of Ireland. Which is why I am so glad the UD bookstore is putting on these displays, showing us the true meaning of the Irish people,” said UD Irish literature professor Lori Martling.
Martling added, “The Art of the Pickup drives to the potato-famine root of the Irish motto, ‘Bros before Hoes.’ And had Chad Bronson never penned Hold My Beer, I Gotta Puke the world might never have understood the meaning, ‘No wifeing in the club.’” Both bookstores are excited for the upcoming holiday and the corresponding foot traffic. Liebermans is even hosting an Irish cof-
fee-house in Kildare’s on Thursday the 13th. “I’m very excited for the annually renewed interest,” Martling commented. “I’ll be reading a Tucker Max story myself. It captures the classic Irish struggle of getting shitfaced in your quad then trying anal in a supply closet. I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell is my personal favorite, although I do love Assholes.”
PAGE 7 TOP 10: WAYS TO GET INTO THE ST. PATTY’S DAY SPIRIT
PAGES 10-11 ST. PATTY’S DAY ADVICE FOR THE GINGER MALE
PAGE 13 LIFELONG LEARNING WITH GUY HANSON
DON SOME GREEN CLOTHES, GRAB A BEER AND GET TO CELEBRATING!
IT’S THE ONE DAY A YEAR YOU WHERE YOU GET TO THRIVE, SO DON’T MESS IT UP.
THE ETERNAL UD STUDENT IS BACK AGAIN WITH ADVICE ON ST. PATRICK’S DAY.
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DOWNTON ABBEY SURPRISE ST. PATRICK’S DAY MINISODE ANNOUNCED KELLY FARRELL WROTE THIS
Viewers of the BBC hit show Downton Abbey received some unexpected luck o’ the Irish last Tuesday, when writer Julian Fellowes announced that there would be a surprise minisode detailing the lives of the Granthams and their servants during St. Patrick’s Day. Fellowes attests that the special should be “a cheeky little bit of fun, to make up for the somber nature of the last two seasons. But still historically accurate as ever!” The Black Sheep was given a preview of the minisode, and have summarized the episode for you below: The show begins with Rose making preparations to host friends at Downton in honor of the holiday, with the footmen working tirelessly to ensure that the guests’ beer bottles are spaced perfectly on the dining room table with their bottle-tuxedos in place. Meanwhile, Tom Branson is contacted by old friends in Ireland, who reignite his Home Rule and IRA sympathies. His political convictions and personal love of the Crawleys leave him in a state of unrest, quietly kicking over every umbrella stand in the house as an act of sabotage he can live with. The Countess of Grantham appears behind him and deducts twenty points from Gryffindor. Rose’s party gets quickly underway, with the guests reveling in the beautiful estate and stockpile of alcohol from downstairs. Lady Mary quickly ends up in a state of intoxication, running to the drawing room to send drunken telegrams to the newly-single Lord Gillingham. The servants’ festivities include a moment of glee in store for the audience, when they will discover that a dessert made by the cook Mrs.
Patmore is actually a beloved 1920s predecessor to the Shamrock Shake. This scene may seem uncharacteristic to some viewers, as head butler Mr. Carson usually runs a tight ship, but it turns out Carson has locked himself in his study, furiously decanting wine in an attempt to forget about all the indecency. Conspicuously, Lord Grantham is also absent from the celebration upstairs. Another letter from Ireland arrives for Tom Branson, and he spends the rest of the episode channeling his inner IRA Hamlet. Towards the end, he swears to cut off all contact with the Crawleys, and burns his illustrious wardrobe in a symbol of cutting ties to his wealth before curling up and falling asleep on the nursery floor while clutching a singed cummerbund to his chest. Rose’s party rages on, with glorious panoramic shots of guests performing scandalous versions of jigs and reels on the lawn of the manor. Meanwhile, from his bedroom, Lord Grantham sheds a single manly tear. He eventually commiserates with Mr. Carson, grumbling feebly in cushy chairs about the joys of life before dancing, young people, and something or other, dagnabbit! The scene ends with some shared wine, following an intimate encounter that will forever change the meaning of “upstairs, downstairs relationships” on the show. From beginning to end, this episode of Downton will have you thinking and drinking (possibly to forget Maggie Smith’s topless scene). And viewers have a long hiatus ahead to wonder how Rose will ever track down whose tiger it is roaming the first floor powder room!
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ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD A CLONE, WHAT WOULD BE THE WEIRDEST THING YOU WOULD MAKE IT DO? Landrie
“I would fake my death and then go around freaking people out.”
Matt
“I would send it to my classes that take attendance.”
Tyra
“I’d make it try crack to see if it’s as addicting as people say it is.”
06
THE
TOP
TEN
WAYS TO GET INTO THE ST. PATRICK’S DAY SPIRIT
a’s!
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DANIEL McGINLEY WROTE THIS St. Patty’s Day is here, so it’s time to don some green clothes, pick up a four-leaf clover, and get to celebrating – the Irish way!
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10.) Buy a Case of Guinness: What better way to start off than by partaking in Ireland’s most famous export, Guinness? And while you’re nursing your dry stout, think about the 110,000 Irish children living in households with alcohol-addicted parents. 9.) Rock Out to The Pogues: Play the classic “Fairytale of New York” and marvel at both Kirsty MacColl’s powerful guest vocals and at how a Mexican millionaire was able to get away with murdering her by paying an employee to take the blame and pay a paltry fine in lieu of jail. 8.) Dress Up Like a Leprechaun: Ireland’s most famous mythical figure is a fun way to give a “tip’o’th’hat” to its historic culture. For extra fun, try recreating the part of Irish mythology where leprechauns – literally the descendants of Celtic deities – were conquered and forced to live underground by foreigners. 7.) Eat Some Lucky Charms: Start the day the Irish way with these sugary odes to that favorite accessory of youth, the charm bracelet. Enjoy the memory while it lasts, because thanks to culturallyappropriating brands like Lucky Charms and a 33%+ childhood obesity rate, kids won’t be able to fit the bracelets around their wrists much longer. 6.) Take Advantage of a “Kiss Me, I’m Irish!” Button: Today’s the day everyone gets to feel that famous Irish love! One in four college females will be sexually assaulted during her academic career, 50% of those alcohol related.
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IT’S TIME TO GET OUT
THOSE DRESSES! SEXY SUNDRESS PARTY TUESDAY, APRIL 8th
5.) Give a Good Jab to the Arm of Someone Wearing Orange: Everyone knows the Irish color is green! Reinforce the traditions that have torn the Emerald Isle apart for 400 years by singling out and inflicting casual violence upon those who may have Protestant sympathies.
LITTLE BLACK DRESS PARTY TUESDAY, APRIL 29th
4.) Wear a “Luck’o’ th’ Irish” T-Shirt: It’s ok, non-Irish; you can get in on the native spirit too! Get a “wee lil’” bit of the famed luck that led to mass starvation, institutionalized racism, and massacres by the English for yourself.
WITH JEFE AND DJ ANDREW HUGH
3.) Eat Some Corned Beef and Cabbage: The traditional Irish meal will give you a much-needed respite between all the empty-stomach drinking you’ve been doing. While you eat and relax with your friends, try discussing how corned beef production produced a source of wealth and nourishment indispensable for the transatlantic slave trade of the English and French.
$4 DOUBLE LIT’S EVERY TUESDAY!
2.) Attend a Traditional Roman Catholic Latin Mass: As you let the undecipherable words wash over you, think about how the religion that was the sole source of hope for many destitute, semi-literate Irish was also kept inaccessible to them by an impassable language barrier. 1.) Down an Irish Car Bomb: You better drink up, because when you drop that shot of Bailey’s and Jameson into your Guinness, it’ll curdle up quicker than a bomb exploding in an otherwise quiet Belfast street, tearing families and friends apart both emotionally and physically.
COME SEE WHAT ALL THE FUN IS ABOUT DeerParkTavern.com • 108 W Main St., Newark, Delaware
The Bar Grid ALI BABA
SPECIAL NIGHT
Everyday! $3 12oz beers, $5 off hookah with purchase of 2 entrees
Ole After Hours (Everyday, 10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
GET OUT THOSE DRESSES! Annual Sexy Sundress Party 4/8 Our Little Black Dress Party 4/29 With Jefe and DJ Andrew Hugh $4 Double LIT’s Every Tuesday!
Monday-Friday Happy Hour 3-7 $2 16oz Domestic Drafts $3 22oz Domestic Drafts $2 Rail Drinks 1/2 price glasses of house wine
THURSDAY
Free upgrade to a fruit head hookah with the purchase of two entrees
Live Entertainment! $2 Drafts $4 Mojitos, Margaritas Infusion Drinks Ole After Hours (10pm to Close)
All You Can Eat Wings (5PM - close) $2 Rail Drinks (all day) 1/2 Price Burgers 11:30am-3pm, House Music w/ DJ Andrew Hugh
Buy one get one free all flatbread pizzas all day long $6 48oz pitchers of Coors Light, Miller Lite, or Yuengling 8-close
$5 Long Island Ice Teas
$3 Coronas, $2 Drafts Ole After Hours (10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
$5 All Bombs, All Day, Everyday Epic Sound DJs NO COVER!
$5 Apps 3-6 and 10-close
$3 All 12oz Beer
Spanish Brunch 11 am to 3 pm, $3 Mimosas During Brunch $3 Bud Light, $2 Drafts Ole After Hours (10pm to Close)
$2.50 Captain Morgan Drinks, All Day, Everyday Live Local Music! No Cover (w/ student id)
$4 Pinnacle Vodka Drinks 8-close
SUNDAY
Free appetizer with purchase of 2 entrees
Spanish Brunch 11 am to 3 pm, $3 Mimosas During Brunch Desserts 50% off from 3 to close Ole After Hours (10pm to Close)
Sunday Funday w/ Brunch (9AM-2PM) $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar Chorduroy Live, No Cover
Sunday Funday All Day Happy Hour Drinks $2 16oz Domestic Drafts $3 22oz Domestic Drafts $2 Rail Drinks 1/2 price glasses of house wine
MONDAY
$3 12oz Dogfish Head, Free $5 appetizer with purchase of two entrees
St Patty’s Day! All Day! $3 Beer Specials, $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
1/2 Price Appetizers 5pmClose, $5 Off Big Beer Bottles Showtime Trivia at 8:30PM
ST. PATTY’S DAY! $3 Green Domestic Drafts $4 Bailey’s Drinks/Shots $5 Jameson Drinks/Shots $6 Car Bombs
$5 off hookah with purchase of 2 entrees
$2.50 Empanadas, $2 Drafts Ole After Hours (10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
$4 Double LIT’s Every Tuesday!
Kids eat free all day long with the purchase of an adult entree! Trivia with a chance to win $50, $30, or $20 in Turtle Bucks $5 LIT’s 8-close
$3 12oz Blue Moon
$3 Captian Morgan, $2 Draft Beers, $5 Flatbread Pizzas Ole After Hours (10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
1/2 Price Nachos and Quesadillas All Day, $10 Pitchers of Long Island Iced Tea, $1.50 Tacos, $3 Corona and Corona Light, $3 Margaritas, $2.50 Taylor’s Grog Draft, Karaoke!
$3 off Burgers all day long $3.50 bottles of Dogfish 90, Sierra Nevada, Anchor Steam, Barking Squirrel, Flying Dog, Otter Creek 8-close
FRIDAY SATURDAY
TUESDAY WEDNESDAY
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The Bar Grid
1/2 Price Salads 11am-4pm, Seafood Night, DJ Nii Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $4 Long Island Ice Teas, $4 Fireball and Blue Ball Shots
Live Acoustic Music from 6 - 10 College Night! $3 Bacardi Oakheart Mugs, $2 24oz Drafts
FREE Happy Hour Carving Station 9pm - Close: $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts, $3 Rail Drinks, SoCo Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls., $4 Captain Morgan Drinks, $5 Senor Creepy
Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar until 3pm $3 Carlsberg, $3 Fireball and Bartender’s Choice, $4 Red Bull Vodka, DJ Infamos (9pm-1am)
Brunch 11am - 2pm, Live DJ 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Washington Apples
Book Your Event or Party! Call 302-738-0808
Chef's Special! DJ 9pm $2.50 Coors Light
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar until 3pm 1/2 Off Entrees, $3 22oz Bud Light, $3 Call Drinks
Brunch 10am - 2pm, 1/2 Price Entrees 4pm - 10pm, 1/2 Price Apps 9pm - Close 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Rails
Lazy Day with Luke and Ashley, $3 Mimosas All Day
All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs for $19 $2.50 Coors Light
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Leinenkugel Pints
$3 Guinness, Smithwicks, Harp and Magners Pints (9-11am) Wing Night! $0.35 Wings, $3 22oz Yuengling, $2 Rail Pints Pub Quiz: Win Prizes! 9- 12am
Happy St. Patty’s! ALL DAY: $5 Car Bombs $6 Green Pitchers $2 Green Drafts
St Pattys! $5 Car Bombs, $3 Guinness $4 Jameson
$6 Nacho Night! Seafood, Taco, Supreme, Chicken or Pulled Pork $2.50 Coors Light
$6.99 All You Can Eat Pizzas, Breadsticks and Bolis! 5-8pm All Day and Night! $2 Single You Call Its, $10 Cover Charge Free Admission w/ UD I.D.
Burger Night! $5 1/2 lb. Burgers $2 Rail Pints & Bud Light Pints, $3 16oz Long Island Pints, $4 Fireball Karaoke Dance Party! 10pm
1/2 Price Nachos, Quizzo Tuesday Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!
Karaoke from 9-1am! $3 Singles, $5 Doubles
$0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $2.50 Coors Light
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Weinhard's IPA
$5 Craic Nachos, $3 Pinnacle Flavors, $2 Miller Lite Pub Pong 9pm, DJ Biz!
1/2 Price Sandwiches and Salads, 1/2 Price Appetizers 9-close, Live Music Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Blue Moon, $3 Captain Drinks
Wings and Yuengs $0.55 Wings, $2 Yuenglings
Half Price Burgers
WED.
ST. PATTY’S PARTY! Open at 10AM Green Beer, Drink Specials and Prizes!
$12 Dinner Entrees, 1/2 Priced Bottles of Wine Free Hapy Hour Taco Buffet! $2.50 Coors Light
TUES.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
Happy Hour! 6pm - 8pm: $2 Select Drafts, 1/2 Price Apps $3 Bartender’s Choice, $3 Flavored Pinnacle Drinks, DJ Collision 10pm
International Night with DJ BIS No Cover! $2.50 Bud Light, $3.50 Corona $3 Whatevers
MON.
$5 Pubwiches, $2 Rail Pints, $5 Bomb Drinks, Car Bombs & Irish Trash Cans, DJ Collision 10pm
1/2 Price Wings, DJ Kevin Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!
SUN.
DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy and Vodka, $3 Blue Moon Pints, $3 25oz Coors Lights $4 Tall Svedkas
$2.50 COORS LIGHT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!
SAT.
ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles, $4.50 RBVs
THURS.
Happy Hour! Monday-Thursday, 6pm-8pm 1/2 Prize Apps, 22oz Draft Specials, $3 Beer of the Month Pints
SPECIAL NIGHT
SATURDAY: ST. PATTY’S PARTY! Open at 10AM Green Beer, Drink Specials and Prizes!
Tuesday - Karaoke Night Wednesday - Wings and Yuengs
College Night!
FRI.
St. pAtty’s Day advice For the ginger male NIC KANAAR WROTE THIS For one night of the year, redheaded men aren’t the butt of every joke, or on the bottom of every woman’s “would never bang” list. It’s a day where the entire town’s main priority is to get irrevocably smashed, and your red mane could be at the center of it all. It’s a night to remember, and after ten hours of drinking, hopefully you will. Follow the tips on the next page and you’ll celebrate Saint Patrick like he would have wanted: red hot and on fire. Have a drink on us, you “Irish” bastards.
There’s one
glorious day of the year...
...when green beer and social intoxication runs rampant throughout bars across the nation: St. Patty’s Day. Not only does this day promote mind-altering, bone-crushing, party animal behavior, but it also recognizes a group of people not normally celebrated for, well, anything. We’re talking to you, male gingers of America. You deserve a break from the torments brought onto you by your tan, freckle-less, dark-haired peers, yes, you dserve a day when everyone embraces your “uniqueness.” Redheaded women have escaped the teasing that has escalated over the past ten years thanks to the likes of Isla Fisher, Kate Mara, and Jessica Rabbit, but that doesn’t mean a Ginger man can’t rule one very drunk day of the year. This redheaded writer from The Black Sheep has the tips to ensure the ginger gentleman’s St. Patty’s Day includes one hell of a night.
Go Red AND Green: Obviously you’re gonna want to wear a shit-ton of green, but be smart about it. Instead of instinctually covering up your fiery hair with some kind of hat, let your fire burn for the world to see. Everyone who notices you and your hair on St. Patty’s Day is going to assume you’re Irish, and this is the one day you don’t have to deny your potato-humping heritage. Even if you aren’t a man of Celtic persuasion, by exposing your red hair you’ll have more free beer flying at your face then you’ll know what to do with. You’ll be a St. Patty’s Day guest of honor and drunk people will want to pay you a drunken tribute. Keep that funny hat off and play the Irish role people want you to play. Becoming a novelty happens at a price, and in this case, that price is copious amounts of free booze. If you’re really committed, which you should be, put on an Irish accent to compliment your green appearance. People enjoy authenticity, so fake that shit. Girls can be suckers for a man with an accent, and what better time to try it out than on a night where people are hammered by noon? With the right amount of practice, any redhead could sound like the foreign strange every girl dreams of. Besides, you could get away with saying anything as long as you emphasize the accent. Instead of getting slapped for saying “top o’ the morning to ya, would you like to sit on my face?” they’ll assume your “Irish” ass is charming.
Don’t Forget Your Lucky Charms: If you’re going to go overboard with the outfit and go full leprechaun, that’s fine too. The Black Sheep suggests you carry a small loot of fake gold coins in your pocket with your phone number etched on each one. Think about it: you walk up the bar wearing green overalls and stand next to some six-foot-tall brunette babe. Order your beer and immediately buy her a drink as well. Before she has time to thank you, flick her one of the gold coins, give her a wink and walk away with as much swagger that your green clogs will allow you. That woman will be balancing your “lucky charms” on her green stained tongue before the nights over. Speaking of props, this next trick should be done well into the drunken night. We call this one the “Green Jesus,” and it’s easy to execute. Beforehand, head to your local supermarket and purchase a small container of green food coloring. This is what most cheap bars use to give the beer that disturbing yet flavorless greet tint. Target a woman sipping on clear liquor and gather up her female friends to form a crowd. Run your fingers through your red locks and tell them all you are an “Irish Wizard.” Palm the small vile of green dye and hover your hand over her drink allowing a few drops to plummet down into the glass. Quickly pocket the dye, and give the glass a quick shake as you dazzle the crowd with some spirit fingers. As the clear rum suddenly turns green, give the female crowd a slight bow and let the bartender know he’s going to need a mop.
Your Dropkick Murphys: Another important thing to keep in mind as you head out to the festivities is the crew you bring. Like normal, keep your “Ice Man” and “Goose” close to your side as they benefit and help aid your ginger stardom, but not if they too are of the redhead persuasion. Having more than one bush fire in a group of male friends is a problem in itself, but especially during St. Patty’s Day. Multiple copper heads packed into a crowded bar brings down the rarity, thusly taking away your spotlight as you attempt to do a “jig” on a pool table in hopes of applause. No redhead has ever achieved fame by partnering up with another redhead. And no, Lindsay Lohan in the Parent Trap does not count. Make your crew of “tanners” celebrate you as well. When people see you enter a party or a bar on top of your friend’s shoulders they’ll know you’re a big deal. Have them all learn some Irish folk songs and even some Irish toasts, you’ll demand attention when your entire crew sings with green beers raised in the air. Once people see how cool having a ginger around on St. Patty’s day is, they’ll be begging to join your gang. Hang a sign off of your tallest friend that reads “no fatties” and let the selection begin. Gather up the town’s hotties and you’re crew will be the center of attention, with your shamrock ass leading the pack.
Get Her Down on your Dublin: The after party is the time to put the icing on the carrot cake. If your newly-acquainted female companion is still hesitant about sleeping with a soulless pale-face, then we have one grand finale to seal the deal. Carefully paint the seven colors of the rainbow on your pink penis for some obvious Irish fun. By decorating your crank, you’re not only showing the girl what’s at the end of the rainbow, but you’re also saying “Hey, I like to have fun.” What kind of paint do you use? We have no idea. The Black Sheep was a little apprehensive about researching penis paints, so we’ll leave that up to you, just get back to us. If the woman is repulsed by your creativeness, then pack in your four-and-a-half inch rainbow, turn off The Wizard of Oz soundtrack you put on for emphasis, and move on to the next potato groupie.
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BARTENDER
Favorite Drink: Scotch on the rocks Favorite Shot: Grand Marnier Least Favorite Drink: Anything frozen Bartending tricks — yay or nay?: Nay, efficiency is cool. If you were a villain, what would be your name?: Bizarro Reza
ROCKSTAR
What’s the worst thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?: Gin, it tastes like a Christmas tree. What’s your favorite piece of old school lingo?: Don’t be a herb. What rumor would you start about yourself?: Spread the word that my nickname’s The Tripod… Something that people believe in that you think is stupid: Hearsay gossip/Justin Bieber
OF THE WEEK
When was the last time you showered?: This morning Thoughts on yoga pants?: Should be mandatory in the USA for women.
Reza of Klondike Kate’s
RECIPE for DISASTER
DRINKING GAME Chickens
Guinness Cupcakes
Sitting around at a bar is always a good time, but sometimes talking about last night’s hookup over and over gets … lame. Here’s a quick and easy game you can play at a booth in the bar that doesn’t require much skill or many supplies.
St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner, and everything’s coming up green. This year, combine everyone’s favorite beer into your favorite after-dinner snack. That’s right, baby: Guinness cupcakes.
What You’ll Need: At least 2 quarters and drinks! Number of Players: 2 teams of 3 or 4 people each. Level of Intoxication: A good lil’ buzz.
What You’ll Need: 3 and 1/2 sticks salted butter, 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, 1 cup Guinness Extra Stout beer, 4 teaspoons vanilla extract, 1 and 1/3 cups granulated sugar, 1 and 1/14 cups flour, 3/4 teaspoon baking soda, 2 large eggs, 3-4 cups powdered sugar, 3-4 tablespoons Irish coffee creamer, 1/3 cup sprinkles and cupcake tin liners. Cook Time: About an hour. Fatty Factor: The alcohol cancels it all out.
How to Play: - Split up into teams and sit together on opposite sides of the table. - One team puts all of their hands under the table and discreetly passes around a quarter between them. The other team sits there and watches (no, it’s not weird). - When the team without the quarter feels ready, they yell, “Up chickens!” The team with the quarter must stop passing the coin and put their elbows up on the table, making fists. - The team without the quarter then yells, “Down chickens!” The players must slam their hands down on the table. The goal is for the person with the quarter to slam their hands down without having the coin make a clanging sound on the table. - The other team now has to try to guess which hand is holding the quarter. If there are only 3 players per team, they get 2 guesses. If there are 4 players, they get 3 guesses. The guess has to be a unanimous decision among the team, so we suggest having a spokesperson. - If the team finds the quarter, the passing team drinks; if they don’t find the quarter, the guessing team has to drink. Then it’s the other team’s turn! - Don’t cheat. Don’t hide the quarter under your leg, slide it off the table, etc. You can try to psych out the other team by faking out passes, “strategizing,” whatever. The Game Ends When: Your hands are bruised and you need more brew.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Get our your sticks of butter and leave them on the counter to soften up. - Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and a line a cupcake tin with liners. - In a saucepan, melt 1 and 1/2 sticks of butter and add in the Guinness, 2 teaspoons vanilla extract and the cocoa. After melted and mixed, remove from heat. - In a bowl, mix together granulated sugar, flour and baking soda. Then pour in the cooled Guinness/butter mixture and the eggs one at a time. Keep mixing until they’re just combined. - Divide the batter in the cupcake tin and bake for 22-24 minutes. - To make the frosting, beat the remaining butter with an electric mixer until smooth. - Add powdered sugar, coffee creamer and remaining vanilla extract, and beat until medium thickness. Add more powdered sugar if you need to. - Frost the cooled cupcakes and shake on some sprinkles! We don’t advise trying to shove these down a beer bong.
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LIFELONG LEARNING WITH GUY HANSON: ST. PATRICK’S DAY GUY HANSON WROTE THIS When I was asked by The Black Sheep to write a second article about what it was like to be a 66-yearold student at the University of Delaware, I had one thing to say: “Seriously, what are you doing back in my house? I’m still taking a shower!” Of course, this is just a joke; I’m happy to be back, sharin’ my experiences with you guys. When you get as old as I am (“How old am I? So old, I used to be late for work when my stegosaurus broke down!” ), you accumulate a lot of experiences. But this article’s not about my past, I’m tellin’ you guys about what’s happenin’ now, and what’s happenin’ now is ol’ Guy’s in love! Well, not real love anyway, but puppy love at least. I used to own a puppy. She never did learn how to fetch or roll over, but it didn’t mind me none. I was just happy to have someone to play with!
enough jokes and sheer charm to keep the night interestin’. Here’s a joke: Why’d the Irish run out of potatoes? Answer: No one ever told ‘em they grow underground. It bein’ St. Patrick’s Day and all I thought I’d throw one in there. Of course, I’m an Irishman “meself,” ya know. My dog was named Shamrock, even though she was a leaf short of a full clover. That mutt had the dopiest smile on her face. You couldn’t shove her face in her own shit to teach her to do her business outdoors, ‘cause she couldn’t remember anything long enough to know the connection. I guess it’s easy to be that happy when you can’t remember anything that made you sad.
“Speaking of “sad,” you wouldn’t believe how long it’s been since I went on a date -– too long, I say!”
Anywho, there’s this lady in my Topics in American History class and she is smart with a capital SMART. I’m just trying to keep up with what the professor is saying and she is already askin’ questions and givin’ interpretations. I feel like Coach from Cheers in there (has there been a good comedy show since Cheers? And even Cheers wasn’t no good after Coach died, R.I.P.)! And – if I may so myself – she’s quite the cutie.
Speaking of “sad,” you wouldn’t believe how long it’s been since I went on a date –- too long, I say! All this holiday spirit has really got me feelin’ the “luck of the Irish,” as it were. I keep a little piece of the Blarney Stone I chipped off when I visited Ireland way back when (“How way back when? So way back, I used to get queasy takin’ rides on my dad’s pterodactyl!”).
I still haven’t figured out her name, but when I do, watch out Smart Girl (that’s what I’ve started calling her), cuz ol’ Guy may not be the looker, but he’s got
I’ll kiss it now and then to get the “gift of the gab.” Maybe it’s just superstition, but it’s gotten me first dates before. And when you’re as old as I am (“How old
am I? So old, we used to have to stop baseball games early because of T-Rex delays!” ), you get to know all the real hot joints in town. I remember goin’ to jazz spots with my gal, ‘cause there was no faster way to get a girl in the mood than a guy goin’ crazy on the saxophone. We didn’t have tits and sex on TV in those days, but just the sheer noise – passionate, exotic, erotic. Almost blasphemous that a sound could be that powerful.
Shamrock loved jazz. Just like the girl in the club, she’d get real worked up as Charlie Parker wailed away on the turntable. They say what made Bird great was the notes he didn’t play. I used to imagine, from the way Shamrock galloped across the floor, that she heard all those notes. She didn’t remember much, but I like to think she was thinkin’ of all those invisible chords when the stroke hit, when I carried her out back and watched her and the sun set together.
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SPACE JAM 2 LEAKED SCREENPLAY SCOTTY G WROTE THIS After Space Jam’s newly-announced sequel was hyped to monstarnomical proportions weeks ago, it didn’t take long for the internet to do what it does best, which is intrusively hacking the ever-loving shit out of laptops of Hollywood execs. Here’s what we found when The Black Sheep stole—er, “discovered” a leaked draft of the sequel’s script: Space Jam 2 INT. UNITED CENTER - NIGHT Montage of the 2015 NBA All Star Game in Chicago. The crowd oohs and aahs as LEBRON JAMES steals a pass and sprints down the court, throwing down his signature wide-outstretched one-handed dunk. The buzzer sounds for the end of the game. ADAM SILVER, the new NBA commissioner, comes out to center court with a microphone. ADAM SILVER Despite the tremendous financial success of the league, we’re about to embark on a
new format that will make boatloads of money. The doors to the locker room slam shut just before the players have left the court. ADAM SILVER As you can see in this fine-print clause in the recent collective bargaining agreement, “The best players in the world will stay in the United Center from now until forever, playing basketball to a sold-out crowd 24/7.” Silver transforms right before their eyes into MR. SWACKHAMMER, the cigar-smoking villain from Space Jam. SWACKHAMER uses his mystical powers to turn the players into dead-eyed basketball zombies who cannot stop playing. INT. SUBURBAN CHICAGO DAY DERRICK ROSE groggily sits up in bed and pushes the covers off to look at his knees, running
his fingers across multiple scars. He tries to bend his legs, winces in pain and lays back down. The phone rings and he answers. VOICE D, it’s time to come back. The league needs you. ROSE I can’t. I’m finished. VOICE I know your third knee injury was bad enough to send you into retirement, but you’re the only one left who might have a chance to beat them. The voice explains the predicament with the All-Stars stuck in Chicago, and that Rose needs to assemble a team to beat them, setting the players free from SWACKHAMER’s contract. ROSE If I’m gonna have any chance, I’ll need your help. VOICE
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Those days are over. I can’t help you ... but I know who can. The man hangs up the phone, and we see 6 NBA Championship rings on his fingers. BUGS BUNNY, DAFFY DUCK, LOLA, ELMER FUDD, and the whole gang of Looney Tunes show up at ROSE’s front door. He opens the door and they flood in, cracking jokes about how weird the real world is. In his kitchen, BUGS finds a bag of baby carrots in the fridge and falls in love. PEPE LE PEW grabs a bag of sliced bread. They all get to practicing on ROSE’s backyard court, and things look grim. ROSE can barely run and none of the Tunes are any good at basketball. DAFFY comes across ESPN The Magazine and discovers the world of sabermetrics. By applying the tenets of advanced statistics like True Shooting Percentage, Player Efficiency Rating, and Per-
centage of Field Goals Assisted, the team quickly improves into an impressive group that plays smart, unselfish basketball. They head to the United Center and challenge SWACKHAMMER’s AllStars to a game. INT. UNITED CENTER - NIGHT In the first five minutes of the game, The Tune Squad is keeping it close, until zombie JOAKIM NOAH commits a flagrant foul on ROSE, badly hurting his knee. The team starts to give up a huge lead. BUGS calls a timeout. BUGS BUNNY I have a plan, but I need someone to lead the team until halftime. Enter BRIAN SCALABRINE. BRIAN SCALABRINE I GOT THIS. BUGS takes ROSE to Looney Tune Land, where they can bend the normal rules of real-
ity to heal his knee instantly. Meanwhile, the Tunes have fallen behind by a huge margin at halftime. With his newly healed knee, ROSE leads a tremendous comeback. In the final seconds, the Tune Squad is down by two. ROSE dribbles down the court, getting through a double team with an insane crossover-spinmove combo. He drives to the hoop and takes off from the free throw line. The zombie AllStars collapse on ROSE, trying to block his dunk. At the last moment, ROSE dishes the ball to the corner, where BUGS catches it and gains the game winning three at the buzzer. The Tunes celebrate, and the zombie All-Stars regain control
of their bodies, joining in on the celebration. SWACKHAMMER So what, now that you’ve beaten the best players, you ARE the best players! Now I have you! You have to play here forever! He starts to put his spell on ROSE and the Tunes, but just then, the Monstars come onto the court and counteract his powers, turning SWACKHAMMER into a zombie who is forced to walk around selling popcorn in the stadium forever. Watching the game from the upper deck, the man with 6 rings smiles as he takes a sip of his drink from a water bottle labeled “secret stuff.”
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Sorority Girl Loses Vineyard Vines Hat, Identity SEAN McBRIDE WROTE THIS Sarah Johnson lost her identity last Friday when her Vineyard Vines hat disappeared. Around 8 a.m. local time, the hat, as well as her identity, was reported missing by Johnson after a night out. The Black Sheep spoke to her in a recent exclusive interview. “I just don’t even know what to do with myself. I mean, that hat was a part of me. I’ve had it since my bid night where it was first placed on me. It brings me back to when we were first taught how to cheer and shout obnoxiously loud in the Pencader Dining Hall,” said Johnson. The problem for Johnson goes further than simply losing the hat; the hat is only the tip of the iceberg. “I wore this hat every day. I just
don’t even know who I am anymore. Seriously, I can’t even,” said Johnson. “I mean, am I even in a sorority anymore? How will people know?” Johnson then broke down crying. The thought of the lost hat, sitting alone in the wild, with no one to take care of it, was too much for her. “Those hats are meant to be loved and cared for, and most importantly, to be shown off. It is so uncomfortable walking around campus and not being able to pull my hat down over my eyes to make myself essentially blind. Now I have to make eye contact with strangers.” The Black Sheep went on to interview some other sorority members, all of whom seemed to be heated about the whole hat debacle. A spokesperson for the sorority—who asked to remain name-
less—was interviewed about the sorority’s position on the issue. “It is absolutely awful. We could care less about what Johnson is going through. How do you think this looks for the sorority, huh? One of our little girls is running around campus without her Vineyard Vines hat, but still wearing our letters? It’s appalling and disrespectful to the whole sorority.“ Johnson, amidst her existential crisis, had more to say on the matter. “Am I even a girl anymore? I can’t even go back to my sorority, and to think I have to call my parents and tell them what happened. I might as well look for a job and apartment now because they will sure as hell disown me. They didn’t raise a god damn independent, and they know it, and I know it. But, without my hat, I am essentially worthless. I’m a worthless geed.”
The problem extends beyond Johnson’s social life and into her love life. The Black Sheep spoke to her boyfriend at the time, Chad. “When I first saw Sarah without her hat, I honestly didn’t recognize her. I actually thought that hat was part of her head she wore it so much. When she eventually told me who she was, I thought she had been involved in a bad accident or was playing a pretty decent practical joke. But when the truth came out that she had lost her hat, I knew it was time to end the relationship. It was a complete shock to me and really made me re-evaluate my life. I am on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. It was totally selfish of her to lose that hat.” “My boyfriend Chad broke up with me. I knocked on his door the first night after the incident, and he didn’t recognize me. He looked
straight into my eyes, into my soul, with a confused, dazed look on his face. It was after I explained to him that I was still his sweet Sarah Johnson that he broke up with me. The last I heard, he was in treatment for PTSD in a San Diego treatment center. I guess the shock of dating someone who couldn’t prove they were affiliated with Greek life was too much for him to bear.” When The Black Sheep asked her sorority whether it would be possible for the ex-communication be lifted on Sarah, they responded, “We are still considering the options here. Her dad would definitely need to pay a lot of reparations for the
emotional and physiological damage she has caused our sorority, as well as the overwhelming embarrassment she brought onto us. We hope to sign a treaty with her soon that would lift certain sanctions, but also force her into compliance with our terms.” The last The Black Sheep has heard of Sarah Johnson, she was wandering the campus still trying to find herself and to find the meaning of her life. The Black Sheep plans to have a follow-up interview with Ms. Johnson soon to check her mental and social stability as well as her relationship with her sorority.
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