Volume 7
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
FRE
E! L FIN IKE W ALL HEN YB A I L YO U R S YO B U U O DDY UT.
Issue 3
UD Wishes Everyone Would Realize Key to Good Relationship Is Lack of Communication Matt Roarty wrote this
Following accusations reported in The Review that the University of Delaware had attempted to hide their investigation into alleged sexual harassment by a professor, the university released a statement on September 18th in which they wished everyone would realize the key to any healthy relationship is a lack of communication. “While we cannot comment specifically on that case because of privacy interests,” read the open letter, “we can say that the article contained errors of fact and misrepresentations. You’re going to have to trust us on this. I mean, come on, can’t you get off our back for one goddamn second? Jeez.” Among the initial complaints were charges that the university had failed to keep the accuser informed of the status of the investigation. Delaware denied this was the case, noting that the matter “was handled promptly and appropriately, with sensitivity and clear communication with the student and her advocate. If the student didn’t understand, that’s her problem.” “I mean, we’re a busy university,” continued the statement, “and we got along just fine without having to stop every five seconds to explain everything, like whether she needed to be in the dark on whether the person that harassed her was ‘still employed.’” The letter, which was sent in an email to students and other members of the uni-
versity community, further explained that all actions of the school were “in accordance with all university policies and the requirements of federal law. And doing the bare minimum of what the government forces us to do should inspire confidence in the strength of our relationship. Doing anything more would undermine your trust in our actions which were imposed on us by Congress.” After assuring students, faculty, and staff that “safety is our highest priority,” the statement made clear that “procedures are in place to ensure that any all complaints are handled thoroughly and appropriately. The fact that you guys think this situation wasn’t handled thoroughly and appropriately is probably because you were talking to your friend Becky, and she is always trying to tear us apart. Real relationships don’t work the way they say in Cosmo or whatever, and we don’t appreciate your nagging.” “Yes, that’s right, nagging. Don’t make that face at me. We’re trying really hard, ok?” Noting that confidentiality “must be maintained to the fullest extent possible” to protect the privacy of the parties involved, the university wrote they took the “requirement seriously because many victims would not come forward without it. Just think about it. After this whole incident, don’t you feel more confident coming to us with complaints? No? Look, is this about Becky again? Because we told you, she totally has it out for us. No, it’s not
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me; that went too far.”
Actually, ‘informed’ is probably the wrong word. Perhaps ‘blindly trusting’ is better? That sounds right. Please blindly trust us to do the right thing.”
The statement continued, “For our processes to work the way they are intended, we must have an informed community.
Concluding that sexual violence was an important issue “both personally and professionally,” the university promised that
about that Title IX suit. She’s just a bitch.”
“we do not and will not tolerate sexual misconduct in our community.” “If someone wants to do that, they have no place here. Instead, we’ll quietly pay them to leave with a clean record, and have them get a position at the University of Cambridge.”
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UD LAUNCHES NEW SUSTAINABILITY PROGRAM
ISIS LEADER TO BE SECRET CHARACTER IN NEW SUPER SMASH BROS. GAME
YIK YAK SUCCESS STORY BRING TOGETHER TWO HORRIBLE PEOPLE
INTRODUCING COMMUNAL RED SOLO CUPS!
ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI HAS NOTHING ON WARIO.
THIS MODERN-DAY FAIRYTALE ALMOST MAKES YOU FORGET ABOUT TINDER.
FOLLOW US @THEBLACKSHEEP_UD SEPTEMBER 25th, 2014 - OCTOBER 8th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Shannon Poulsen
STREET TEAM MANAGER Ryan Olsen
EDITORIAL MANAGER Matt Roarty
CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham
ADVERTISING MANAGER Cecelia Tefft
OWNER Atish Doshi
WRITERS Carolyn Beatty, Russel Kogan Shiv Patel, Tia Hill, Katie Wall Paul Mooney, Kelly Farrell Sean McBride, Steph Miller
FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Emily Nelson
QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com
SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Gwen Clarke
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PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
BEAT OUR CAPTION!
TO KILL SOME TIME.
THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!
THE MISSISSIPPI MEATHOOK “Man, 18-year-olds are starting to look younger and younger.” Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
WORD of the WEEK
CABBIN’IT A man or woman who refuses to walk anywhere.
Peter, a total cabbin’it, handed the driver a $5 for the 1/8th mile ride to 7-Eleven.
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Nicknamed “The Polar Bear.”
2
Drives “The Crow’s Nest.”
3
Based in Kelowna, British Columbia.
# # #
PLAY WITH US! @THEBLACKSHEEP_UD
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3@UD Program To Expand To 6@UD UDel Staff wrote this After reportedly receiving fantastic feedback regarding its 3@UD triple housing program, the University of Delaware announced that it has decided to implement a 6@UD program where freshmen will share a single room with five other peers. Sources say the talk of the town for this year’s freshman class has been tripled housing. As a new way to push community development and connect students, and because they did not have enough room, UD decided earlier this year to phase out the traditional roommate process and place most students in randomly assigned triples. “Our goal was to have this year’s freshman class get to know each other in ways that previous classes never did,” said Helena Burnes, associate to the associate director of Freshman Living. “We wanted them fighting, using passive-aggressive sticky notes, and stealing, but while also maintaining a stressful atmosphere.”
2018, 73.9% of this year’s 4200 freshmen said they would not recommend living with two other roommates. 83% said they did not get along with one of their roommates, and 90% of that 83% expressed they might kill one, or both, of their roommates by the end of the semester.
pumped air mattress. Windows will not have any built-in shades in order to reduce the privacy of the students.
“From this report, we learned that the 3@ UD program is a success. As you know, the university is taking an active approach to show that we are listening to our students and their wishes,” Burnes said. “So, it is with enormous pleasure that I announce that this spring semester, we will begin our 6@ UD program.”
“We’re going to see the freshmen live in these horrendous living conditions and witness the positivity it can bring out in people,” added Ketingridge. “I mean, whenever I come home from a long stressful day, the first thing I want to do is walk into a room that I share with five other people and their stuff.”
Using the framework implemented by the success of 3@UD, 6@UD will feature six students living together in perfect harmony. The 6@UD program will be transferred to all residence halls, regardless if the room is built for single occupancy or not. Rooms in the 6@UD program will have one set of bunk beds, a floor mat, and a hand-
In a recent survey sent to the class of
“I was inspired by the Soviet-era prison systems, where human rights were basically at its lowest point,” explained Seth Ketingridge, the architect of 6@UD.
UD has such confidence in this plan that they’re changing the layout of the to-be-built residence halls on Academy Street. Initially, the building was going to be modeled after Dickinson. With Ketingridge’s plan, however, each floor of the new residence hall will solely consist of a single 20 x 17 ft. lounge. This lounge will serve as the only space for 60 residents to sleep, study, and relax.
Welcome Back Students!
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Thursdays with DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy & Vodka Drinks
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To be actively sustainable, there will be no beds in the lounge, and a single compostable toilet will be placed directly in the middle for both boy and girl residents to use whenever they so please. No walls will surround the toilet, as sources close to the university say walls are considered unsustainable. Helena Burnes is among those in love with the idea. “We want our students to
always be in a community wherever they go – a community that they can’t escape and have no choice but to be a part of. That’s why we feel that the new residence halls will be the best UD has ever offered,” she said. “I can’t wait to see the faces of next year’s freshmen when they go into their hall and realize that one lounge with 59 other residents will be their home for the next year!”
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Over 100 Secret Crushes Destroyed As Library Bag Check Girl Replaced By Machines Paul Mooney Wrote This
UD LAUNCHES NEW SUSTAINABILITY PROGRAM BY INTRODUCING COMMUNAL RED SOLO CUP In an effort to reduce plastic waste, the University of Delaware announced today that the entire student body will collectively share one red Solo cup. According to reports, the idea for this sustainability initiative came to President Patrick Harker after watching the infamous “Two Girls One Cup” video, where he was inspired by the girls’ environmentally conscious efforts of sharing a cup.
Reports estimate that over 100 hearts were broken when the library opened at the beginning of the semester, revealing that the girl who used to check backpacks and bags before exiting the library was no longer there. Students who harbored hidden attractions struggled to keep their crushes in check in light of the news.
“There will be a Solo cup stored at the bell tower dome of Memorial Hall. Party hosts must make the trek to the top and bring the cup back to their party,” Director of Sustainable Affairs Shirley Heartwood explained. The cup must travel from party to party and room to room, and whoever is drinking during the night must only drink from this cup, sources say.
“Oh yeah, no, she’s not there anymore,” said sophomore Jacob Baird, who strategically left the library at the same time throughout the past school year so the bag check girl would check his backpack. Sources say he also has visited her Facebook page dozens of times in the past month and has an extensive knowledge of her profile pictures, though he never friend requested her. “No, it’s cool, like, the renovations are better. No big deal,” he said while holding back an estimated six tears. “Doesn’t-doesn’t matter to me.” “Yeah, bag-check girl isn’t there anymore,” said senior Sam Hoffman. “I guess they didn’t need her position anymore. But like, they probably didn’t fire her, you know? Probably moved her
After a long debate, the Sustainable Affairs department decided to vote against ever washing the cup. “We don’t want our drinking water to be contaminated with phosphates and other chemicals from soaps,” Heartwood said. somewhere else? Where? Where did you go? Where did they send you!” he called, running down the steps to the library basement. “The scanners can’t be as effective as her. And what is she going to do for a job? They can’t kick her out like that,” said senior Norah Cohen, an otherwise-straight female. “Did she get another job? Where else did she get a job; there’re so many places where she could be. Are they hiring? Would they be strict about my resume?” At press time, an estimated ten shrines dedicated to the Bag Check Goddess were being assembled in various closets around campus.
report
Your Future Soul Mate Is Ugly
After passing from the grounds of frat basements, the mouths of horny house party guests, and the lips of that one girl who you might suspect has herpes, the last student who drank from the cup must make the same climb to the top of Memorial Hall in the early hours of the morning, where it acts as a bastion of squirrel waste during the day. The Sustainable Affairs department and Student Health department have released a joint statement clarifying that they aren’t responsible for any herpes infections that may be caused from the cup. They added: “If a student does show any symptoms, we’re going to ignore them, like always, and just test him or her for strep and mono -- normal procedure.” Shivam Patel Wrote This
Breaking news reveals that your soul mate, the special someone you are meant to spend the rest of your life with, is as beautiful as you could ever imagine, but only on the inside.
only, they will ask, “Are you sure about this?” Before you go on your first date, they will inquire as to how you’re handling your last breakup and if this is how you really want to rebound.
The report shows that ever since you two saw each other at that party, looked in each other’s eyes, and thought to yourself, “I can do so much better,” you were destined to be together.
This person cares about you. They will hold you when you cry and cuddle with you when you do not want to go outside. They do not judge you for your mistakes and they have no unrealistic expectations. They will make you happier than you have every been and there will be times when you think to yourself that meeting them is one of the best things to ever happen to you. They also don’t really have a chin.
With a wonderful sense of humor, an ability to understand you better than yourself, and a very asymmetrical face, sources confirm this person has been waiting their whole life to meet you, as well as to grow into their weird gangly arms. Your mother comments, “I’m so happy my little muffin found the one. I’m not really sure if that’s the one, though. Are you sure you can’t do any better? I don’t want my baby to settle.” Your ugly soul mate, with whom you will create even uglier babies, will sweep you off your feet on you first few dates, during which you will generally avoid eye contact and look away whenever they make that wincing face when they laugh. You will also spend countless hours throughout your life staring into their eyes, when you won’t be able to avoid noticing the just-too-heavy amount of hair growing between their eyebrows, but will not say anything because the last time you did it did not end well. Your closest friends will reportedly be very happy for you when you two fall in love over the summer, even though four months earlier, when you will tell them that you are interested in your future one and
You will meet up with an old friend. They will ask about your new love. You will show them a picture. Their smile will immediately fade. You two will spend countless hours together. You will become intimate, which will be difficult at first because they use a lot of teeth when making out. A lot. You will start to do weird stuff. You will lick whipped cream off their back, which will abruptly end when a little bit of back-acne gets in your mouth. They will fart during sex, every time, yet still understand your body like no one else, and you will learn every lumpy curve and disproportionate bone of theirs. Your soul mate has all the love you could want, as well as a very wide yet flat butt. When you get married, sources say all your family members will ask you, “Who is it? Them? Really, that one?” It will mark the start of a happy life together, throughout much of which they will still have acne.
Paul Mooney Wrote This
05
PARTY PICS
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS If you were stranded on a desert island with only what’s currently in your backpack, what’s the weirdest thing you’d be stuck with?
Jordan, Sophomore
“I have a bootleg copy of This Is the End. I wouldn’t have anything to play it on, but at least I got it.”
Brian, Sophomore
”My iClicker.”
Kelly, Sophomore
“Well this sucks. I only have a pencil and lab goggles, so I guess I’m screwed either way.”
06
THE TOP TEN Reasons Why That Guy Is Running You’ve seen that guy sprinting down the Green, fully equipped with Sperrys, jeans, sweaty t-shirt, and backpack. What is he doing, and why does he seem to have forgotten his running clothes? We have no clue, but we were able to narrow it down to ten possibilities. 10.) Some Guy Is Trying To Kill Him: Ever since he jaywalked across Main Street, he’s convinced people are after him. He’ll occasionally run in zig-zag patterns to make it harder for the snipers. Get to class, brave child, your life depends on it! 9.) He Has to Poop: Last night was all-you-can-eat wing night at Buffalo Wild Wings and he broke his personal record with a whopping twenty-four wings. His stomach hates him and he can feel the digested food work its way down the small intestine. He’s got the runs in both senses of the word. 8.) He’s Training For a Marathon: His backpack is filled with weights and his clothes are specially chosen to provide maximum air resistance. This is his tenth lap around North and South Green and he’s only halfway done. 7.) He’s Running From The Cops: The entire university is just minutes away from getting a text, a phone call, an email, and a fax notifying people that there has just been a robbery. His backpack contains illegally-obtained lecture notes on thermodynamics and ten Blue Books because you know, why not? 6.) He Physically Can’t Walk: He was one of three children born with the rare disease that prevents him from going any slower than ten miles-per-hour. He’s either stationary or sprinting. C’mon guys, do we really need to make him feel any different than he already does? 5.) He’s Going For the World Record For Fastest Time From Dickinson To Gore: Apparently, his RA knew someone who went from Dickinson to Gore in a measly thirty seconds. He ran cross country in high school, so he’s pretty confident he could beat that. Not everyone could see it, but there’s a kid waiting in front of Gore with a stopwatch. 4.) He’s Testing Whether His Legs Work: He just emerged from his forty-five minute relaxation session on the toilet, and while he feels mentally clear, his legs are dead asleep. Nothing seems to get the needles out. Sprinting down the Green in full attire was the last resort. 3.) He Just Likes to Run: To him, walking was always too cliché. “Some people have bikes, some have skateboards,” he once said. “Me? I have my legs.” When he takes it into “overdrive,” he makes a loud spitting noise as he accelerates. 2.) He Thinks It’s Normal: He’s seen too many guys like the ones mentioned in 10 through 3. Under the assumption that some people just like to get to class faster than others, he takes off like a gazelle being chased by a cheetah.
IT’S TIME TO GET OUT THOSE
SEXY LITTLE BLACK DRESSES! LITTLE BLACK DRESS PARTY
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30th WITH JEFE AND DJ ANDREW HUGH
1.) He’s Late To Class: The most probable explanation is that he’s about to be that asshole who stumbles into his nine-person physics discussion nearly halfway through. Run, Forrest, run!!! Russel Kogan wrote this
COME SEE WHAT ALL THE FUN IS ABOUT DeerParkTavern.com • 108 W Main St., Newark, Delaware
The Bar Grid Happy Hour! Monday-Friday 3-7PM $3 & $5 Food Specials $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria
Little Black Dress Party! Tuesday, September 30th with Jefe and DJ Andrew Hugh
FRIDAY! $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
All You Can Eat Wings (5PM - close) $2 Rail Drinks (all day) 1/2 Price Burgers 11:30am-3pm, House Music w/ DJ Andrew Hugh
DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy and Vodka, $3 Blue Moon Pints, $3 25oz Coors Lights $4 Tall Svedkas
$5 All Bombs, All Day, Everyday Live Bands!
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
SATURDAY
Brunch 11-4PM: $3 Mimosa’s $5 Bloody Mary’s/Maria’s 9-Close: $5 Fireball Shot & Draft Beer $5, $3 Infusion Shots and $2.50 Empanadas
Brunch 10am-2pm, $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar $3 Captain Morgan Drinks, All Day, Everyday Live Local Music! No Cover (w/ student ID)
$3 Big Miller Lites College Football
SUNDAY
Brunch 11-4PM $3 Mimosa’s $5 Bloody Mary’s/Maria’s $1 Off ALL BEERS during NFL Games
Sunday Funday w/ Brunch (9AM-2PM) $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar Chorduroy Live, No Cover
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
MONDAY
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria $3 & $5 Food Specials MNF: 8PM-Close: $2 Drafts
1/2 Price Appetizers 5pm-Close, $5 Off Big Beer Bottles Showtime Trivia at 8:30PM
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Leinenkugel Pints
TUESDAY
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria $3 & $5 Food Specials 8PM-Close: $5 Margaritas, $18 Pitchers of Sangria
$4 Double LIT’s 1/2 Price Burgers All Day Come Check Out Jefe and DJ Andrew Hugh Every Tuesday Night!
COLLEGE NIGHT! $2 Single You Call Its, $10 Cover Charge Free Admission w/ UD I.D.
1/2 Price Nachos and Quesadillas All Day, 1/2 Price Burgers All Day $1.50 Tacos, $3 Corona and Corona Light, $3 Margaritas, $2.50 Taylor’s Grog Draft
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
SPECIAL NIGHT THURSDAY FRIDAY
WEDNESDAY
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria
9-Close: $5 Fireball Shot & Draft Beer, $3 Infusion Shots and $2.50 Empanadas
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria
9-Close: $5 Fireball Shot & Draft Beer, $3 Infusion Shots and $2.50 Empanadas
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria
Cards Against Humanity Night: 7- Close
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM The Bar Grid Kildare’s Happy Hour Mon-Thurs 4pm-7pm: $3 Drafts, $3 Mixed Drinks, $3 Wines and 1/2 Priced Appetizers
Happy Hour! 4-7pm Monday - Friday: $1 Off Mixed Drinks, $6 Pitchers $2 Drafts, $4 House Wines $3 Red Sangria Glasses
Best Happy Hour in Town Mon.-Sat. 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks $5 App Menu
$2.50 COORS LIGHT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!
SPECIAL NIGHT
$5 Pubwiches, $2 Rail Pints Bomb Night! $5 Bomb Drinks: Car Bombs & Irish Trash Cans DJ Dance Party (10pm)
MUG NIGHT! $2 Drafts & $3 Well Drinks (Only with Mug) $3 Purple Gatorades $3 Applesauce 4-9pm: $6 Pitchers, $2 Drafts
International Night feat. DJ Bis 9-close Drink Specials: $3 Single, $5 Double, $3.50 Corona Football Specials: $6 Medium Cheese Pizza During All NFL Games
$12 Dinner Entrees, 1/2 Priced Bottles of Wine Free Happy Hour Taco Buffet! $2.50 Coors Light
THURSDAY
Newark’s Best Happy Hour! $2 Drafts & 1/2 Price Appetizers (6pm-8pm) $3 Bartender’s Choice, $3 Flavored Pinnacle Drinks, $4 Fireball DJ Dance Party (10pm)
4-9pm: $6 Pitchers, $2 Drafts 9-Close: $3 Big Bottle Bud Lights $3 Donkey Punch, $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Royal Flush shot $3 Blue Hen Shots
Live Music!
Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar (til 3pm) EPL Soccer - Live on the Big Screen $9.99 Celtic Entrees $4 Irish Drafts, $4Jameson, $4 Red Bull Vodka, $5 Carbombs Pub Pong (8pm)
9-Close: $4 Redbull or Monster and Vodka, $4 Bomb Shots $3 Vodka Drinks $3 Green Tea Shots $3 White Gummy Bear Shots
Newark’s New Soccer Headquarters Showing All Games! 9am-2pm Brunch: Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar
Chef's Special! DJ 9pm $2.50 Coors Light
SATURDAY
Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar (til 3pm) $10.99 All You Can Eat Wings & Fries, $4 Craft Drafts, $3 Big Arse Bud Lights, $3 You Call Its
Sunday Funday All Happy Hour Specials $3 Applesauce $3 Vodka Drinks
Soccer and Brunch 9am-2pm Football Specials: $3.50 25oz. Bud Light, $17 Bud Light Tower, $6 Medium Cheese Pizza During All NFL Games Medium Cheese Pizza & 10 Wings $13.99 Large Cheese Pizza & 20 Wings $21.99
All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs for $19 $2.50 Coors Light
SUNDAY
Wing Night $0.35 Wings $3 Big Arse 22oz Yuengling $3 Captain Morgan Drinks Newark’s Best Pub Quiz Tournament (9pm-12am)
4-Close: $4 Select Craft Drafts 9-Close: $3 Chocolate Cake Shots $3 Vodka Drinks
Football Specials: $3.50 25oz. Bud Light, $17 Bud Light Tower, $6 Medium Cheese Pizza During All NFL Games Medium Cheese Pizza & 10 Wings $13.99 Large Cheese Pizza & 20 Wings $21.99
$6 Nacho Night! Seafood, Taco, Supreme, Chicken or Pulled Pork $2.50 Coors Light
MONDAY
Burger Night! $5 1/2 burgers $3 16oz Long Island Iced Tea Pints, $4 Fireball Newark’s Famous Karaoke Dance Party (10pm)
4-9pm: $6 Pitchers, $2 Drafts 9-Close: $3 Tequila Sunrise Shots $3 Vodka Drinks
Karaoke Night 9-close All Apps ½ Price From 9-10pm $3 Rails, $3 Featured Shot, $5 Doubles
$0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $2.50 Coors Light
TUESDAY
$5 Craic Nachos You Pick Monthly Special! Vote on Kildare’s Newark Media Outlets Dart League
4-Close: $4 Glasses House Wine 9-Close: $3 Chocolate Cake Shots $3 Vodka Drinks
Yeungs & Wings 5-close $0.49 Traditional, $0.59 Breaded Quizzo 8-11pm Winner Every Round
Half-Price Burgers
WEDNESDAY
College Night!
FREE Happy Hour Carving Station 9pm - Close: $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts, $3 Rail Drinks, Fireball Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls., $4 Captain Morgan Drinks, $5 Senor Creepy
FRIDAY
BLACK SHEEP ORIGINAL REPORTING
ISIS Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to be Secret Character in New Super Smash Bros. Game PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS hrough an anonymous source at Nintendo, The Black Sheep was able to confirm that Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the Caliph of the terrorist organization known as the Islamic State, will appear as a secret character in Super Smash Bros. for the Nintendo 3DS and Wii U. The Islamic State, known colloquially as ISIS or ISIL, is a rebel organization with roots in Iraq as a splinter group from al-Qaeda. Super Smash Brothers, referred to often as SSB, is a video game for children. Known for their brutal techniques and mass executions, ISIS, lead by al-Baghdadi, has taken over much of Iraq and has started to usurp Syria as well, murdering thousands in every town they capture under the guise of Jihad. Known for its use of cartoon characters, Super Smash Bros. is popular with children and young teenagers. Our source has also informed us of the nature of al-Baghdadi’s character. “He’s a horrible man, psychotic. He’s amassed an astounding amount of power in such a short time and his crimes are definitely worthy of international intervention. Oh, like his character in the game? Oh, he’s adorable. He’s like an angry Dr. Mario.” Allegedly his game character will be similar to the character Pokémon Trainer, which doesn’t personally attack other characters, but rather has three Pokémon that do attacks for him. “But instead of Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charizard, there’s three militants,” our source told us. “One of them is a Fallujah na-
tive who was forced to fight for a rebel cause after his city was captured, one is an alQaeda defector, and one of them is just fourteen.” For this Easter egg, the developers have reportedly spared no details in making the character as complete and accurate as possible. “Every character has their special attack; the one where you smash the special rainbow-glowing thing and then your character does this crazy thing that kills everyone except for you. So, for him, there’s just a wave of thirty-thousand militants that rush in and capture all the other characters until the end of the game. And that’s just the end of the game. It’s actually not that fun. But then again, neither is Syria.” This story comes in a trend within the gaming community of combining current events into video games. Electronic Arts issued a press release Wednesday regarding an expanded special edition of their August release, Madden 15. The special edition was reported to include a mini-game in the style of Street Fighter, a break from their style of sport-based mode of play, in which players fight as NFL players against their wives. “The Madden franchise has always sought to recreate the true football experience,” the press release read, “and we feel that we could not truly deliver this without allowing players to connect with this crime that runs so rampant throughout the National Football League.” The gameplay is simple: players relentlessly beat their spouses and partners who have nowhere near the strength to defend them-
selves against professional athletes while NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, stands there and pretends not to see anything. Popular characters included Ray Rice, Greg Hardy, and Ray McDonald. Rumors that OJ Simpson will appear for this addendum are also circulating, but probably won’t be confirmed until release. Players can also play as any of the other NFL players who were arrested for domestic violence since 2009, including Quincy Enunwa, AJ Jefferson, Daryl Washington, Amari Spievey, Leroy Hill, Chris Rainey, Ryan Sands, Bryan Thomas, Chad Johnson, Dez Bryant, Erik Walden, Chris Cook, Brandon Underwood, Kevin Alexander, Philip Merling, Will Smith, Leroy Hill again, Toby McDaniel, Jermaine Phillips, Will Billingsley, Richard Quinn, Shawn Merriman, Quinn Ojinnaka, Cornell Green, and Brandon Marshall. Rockstar Games, which is best known for publishing the Grand Theft Auto franchise, has also been taking similar steps with its upcoming rerelease of GTA V for the PS4 and Xbox One. Rumors circulating gaming magazines and blogs have speculated about drastic changes to the setup of the difficulty of the latest edition. “The GTA games always aim to be as realistic as possible, despite the fact that you can punch people until they die in broad daylight and it’s just an average Tuesday,” commented IGN writer, Jason Wright. “So the rumors going around, which possibly could have been leaked by Rockstar itself, is that the difficulty settings will actually have concrete differences on the
appearance of both the character and the surroundings.” Essentially, should a player select “hard mode,” the character will have a dark complexion and be born into a much lower socioeconomic class in which crime, discrimination, government negligence, and police brutality run rampant. “It’s an amazing concept,” Wright added. “It’s like the developers were able to come up with a social hierarchy in which youths are systematically put at a disadvantage and judged for these preexisting conditions, thus attracting police attention and unwarranted brutality. I have no idea how they came up with it.” The expanded game is also expected to include an expert-only “Ferguson, Missouri” level, in which the player starts the level with no weapons and four stars (on a scale of one to five, stars are an indication of how “wanted” a player is). “The details on the Ferguson level are honestly pretty fuzzy,” Wright said. “It’s all based on rumor. Allegedly the only weapon you get is a pack of Skittles. Beats me,” he said, shrugging. Late September 18th, Congress approved President Obama’s plan to equip Syrian rebels, possibly leading to another ground insurgency by the U.S. Military in the Middle East. Following the trend, a response from the video game community was quickly offered, but, surprisingly, it was not from any of the multitude of war-based games on the market. Rovio, the company behind the popular phone game Angry Birds, announced at a press conference that it would start the rushed production of Angry Birds: Syria.
The premise of the game follows the details of preexisting game with slight changes to fit the insurgency: birds, in a slingshot, attack green cartoon pigs, in structures. One minor alteration will be that as opposed to piles of wood and stone, the cartoon pigs would be hiding within the already-decrepit buildings that constitute Syria’s failing infrastructure.
objective. Also, a storyline built on current events like this does not lend itself to a conclusion, which is very necessary for the developers. This is all beside the fact that depicting Muslims as pigs is
Though the announcement was very recent, a large amount of criticism has befallen the game, citing many flaws in its conception. Less than one hour after the press conference, blogger Michael Douglas released his response, writing “Rovio has not released any details as to the length of the Syria episode, nor has it announced a clear
Despite coming under heavy fire, Rovio has been strong in its position. “Hey, maybe it won’t be fun. But neither is Syria,” said a representative. “The frustration towards us is misplaced. Most of the criticism can be brought down to this: we don’t know how long the project will take, we have no exit strategy, and no one else approves of what we’re
offensive not only to their culture but also to the ground insurgents who risk their lives in this mission. The game doesn’t even sound fun.”
doing. When has anyone ever considered these things when entering the Middle East?” It is unclear how long this trend will last, or if it is permanent. Jason Wright said, “The evolving nature of our world means that these real-life events and these fantasy escapes are going to intersect. Who knows what sort of releases we will see in the coming years. Fantasy Congress? A real-life Fallout? The polluted, radiated sky is the limit.” Among this trend, though, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s appearance is by far the largest. The leaked news has been met with overwhelmingly positive praise from casual gamers and writers alike. A representative from ISIS declined to comment.
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White Student Seizes Opportunity to Prove Non-Racist Bona Fides In African History Class Matt Roarty Wrote This
After the first few weeks of classes, reports indicate that white sophomore Samantha Johnston seized the chance to prove she was not a racist in her Intro to African History course. Johnston, an international relations major, was able to turn several discussions into an exhibition for her racially-progressive worldview.
UD FOUNTAIN TRACED AS SOURCE OF EBOLA OUTBREAK A study by the Center for Disease Control released last Thursday concluded that the South Green fountain was the primary source of the 2014 Ebola outbreak.
their altercations in the fountain. One travelled to Africa for a volunteer summer trip the next day, and the other went on a family safari vacation.
Students reportedly spread the disease last May after seniors began jumping in the fountain as their act of defiance.
Both students are being investigated for their contribution to the outbreak.
“It became a tradition to jump in the fountain,” said UD graduate Terry Jones. “I never thought that splashing around would end up killing so many people.”
Sources say that on the first day of class, during which the professor asked the students what stereotypes came to mind when they thought of Africa, Johnston replied, “Well, I think Africa is too big and too diverse to label as just one thing,” causing the other students who had answered “hot” and “a lot of wildlife” to feel intense shame. “I thought the professor was just trying to get these notions out of us so we could examine them critically, but now I realize it was all a test,” said freshmen Jessica Lane. “Samantha was the only one who passed, and the rest of us were all racists.”
Over the next several lectures, Johnston reportedly continued to shore up her non-racist bona fides, at one point going out of her way to incorporate a reference to Martin Luther King, Jr. in a discussion on ancient Egypt. Later, she mentioned the Chadian capital of N’Djamena, which she made sure to pronounce very deliberately while shooting a smile at the professor. Witnesses at the scene say that Johnson followed this up by commenting that Western society tries to “deprive the African-Americans who built the Pyramids of their heritage,” and then looked around at her black classmates for approval.
Many are curious as to how a fountain in the midAtlantic region could spur a deadly outbreak in Africa, especially without killing anyone in the United States first. The report revealed that Delaware’s poor water quality killed off the disease in the majority of carriers, particularly in those who later showered.
UD officially responded to the outbreak allegations yesterday. President Patrick Harker addressed the issue in an email to students. “Hello students. You continue to do bad things. Do my emails not stop you? How much do I have to beg? Is it that I don’t include enough buzzwords? Make no mistake. Tolerate. Acceptance. Is that better? Don’t spread any more diseases, and certainly don’t make me email you again.”
“We found that there are particular bacteria in Delaware’s water that kill Ebola” said CDC researcher Marissa East. “We avoided an outbreak in the US because of that water.” And yet, two students reportedly did not shower after Shannon Poulsen wrote this
Dieting Tips To Maximize Weight Loss Shannon Poulsen wrote this So you’ve attacked the dining hall cookies just after you perfected your beach body. That’s ok! We all have difficulty squeezing into size 6 pants. The Black Sheep, with the help of dieting experts, collected some tips on how to lose a few pounds. Hopefully you can squeeze ‘em out before your presumed winter hibernation. First, let’s explore some basic information about dieting. The Science: Scientifically, eating food is an action completed by those who wish to provide nutrients to their bodies. It is also an action completed by chubby pigs. Some experts argue that eating is essential. “Without eating, you literally cannot survive,” reports Dr. Thomas Melgrew. “I don’t use the word literally often, but I hope you truly emphasize that eating is a necessary part of life.” But other enviably skinny experts, like nutrition major Claire Boulder, aren’t so sure.
“Sometimes, I skip a meal,” she says. “I don’t feel off, so it’s gotta be ok.” Social Activity: Eating is a time of bonding. Many bears with fat rolls eat together during feasts. “Sharing a meal together allows bonding in early communities” says anthropology professor Tessa Long. “It provides a time to relax while sharing in the bounty of the earth.” However, sophomore Alison West has found that eating alone is not that isolating. “There was a time when I ate by myself in the dining hall early because I was hungry” says sophomore Alison West. “And people would just stare at me. I think it’s because I was so skinny and beautiful they were jealous. I just got to see my friends later when we all were purging.” So when on your diet, it’s important to keep these factors in mind. Here are a few tips and tricks to “survive” scientifically and thrive socially.
Tip 1: Discuss everything you eat with others: It is in your best interest to discuss all crumbs you consume. This way, you can be held accountable for whatever fatfilled calories you’re shoveling in your pie hole. You also gain the benefit of sharing with others that you did eat, ensuring that you won’t be isolated socially for not eating “enough,” you disgusting piece of fat. Tip 2: Constantly remind yourself that one bagel is worth an hour on the treadmill: This diet tip hones in on another important aspect of getting rid of your cellulite-filled ass: fitness! When you grab any food, arbitrarily convert its calories into an amount of time on a treadmill. The facts will help you decide to put down that sugary apple and instead pick up a glass of calorie-dense water. Tip 3: Model your body against celebrities: If Beyoncé can do it, so can you! Print a photo of your favorite celebrity’s body and put it by your mirror (if you still have one to look at that putrid excuse of a body every day). Whenever
you get dressed, think about how they have the same amount of time in a day as you and force yourself to play with your own fat. If holding your own blubber in your hand while staring at Gwen Stefani’s abs doesn’t motivate you, we don’t know what else will! Tip 4: Realize this will take time: Losing years of stubborn fat will take some time, so don’t be discouraged if you don’t see results the next day. Wait three more days before you weigh yourself again. If Jesus
can do it in the desert for 40, you can make it three, right? Tip 5: If you’re hungry, snack on yourself!: You’re feeling hungry. You’ve got too much junk in your trunk. Why not solve the problem by eating parts of yourself? You may think this is outlandish, but this is the most helpful thing you can do to your body on this list. Follow these tips and tricks and you’ll be fit for fall in no time!
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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Complicated Major: Political science and criminal justice Favorite Drink: Black Velveteen with a shot of Fireball Favorite Shot: Red death
CHRIS of KILDARE’S THE DRINKING GAME PACK THE PLACE Alright, we’re about a month into the school year, and your life is starting to fall into a dangerous routine. All you want is to just go back to Syllabus Week and relive your glory days of partying, but now all you find yourself doing is rewatching lectures in your underwear with only Papa John at your side. This is when you realize what you need to break out of the slump: it’s time to pack the place. What You’ll Need: An apartment, a cell phone, music, a Tinder account, a lot of booze. Number of Players: Just you and the whole world, baby! Level of Intoxication: Too drunk to realize you’re alone. How to Play: - Realize that you’ve been bored for three weeks, decide to throw a banger. - Start drinking. IMMEDIATELY. - Text everyone you know and tell them to come over. - Lie to everyone who responds and tell them there’s a ton of people already over. - When one person actually shows up, try to make them feel like a party is going on by increasing the volume of your music. - When that person leaves, use Tinder to drunkenly invite strangers over. - When you realize no one is coming – not even your roommates – drink everything you bought for the big party that never happened. - Make a mess so when you wake up you think a bunch of people were there.
What’s your scared-to-share secret talent?: I got wicked flair. Is there anything a good ole’ fashioned karate chop doesn’t solve?: When sensei tells you to sweep the leg.
Disgusting Drink: Cement mixer
In how many parsecs could you do the Kessel Run?: 12, at least.
What ingredients would go into a shot called “Moist Mung”?” Bailey’s and Merry Monks.
If prostitution were legal, how much would you be worth?: A handsome sum.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen at a party?: I’m a raver -- I’ve pretty much seen it all.
Whaddaya think about the fact that you can’t spell “justice” without “u” and “i”?”: Batman and Robin, Starsky and Hutch, Bake and Shake
Who would win in a fight, you or a bobcat, and why?: I feel like I would, the bobcat would know I’m not trying to make any drama.
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: So everyone knows where the party’s at.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER COLD SPAGHETTIOS Remember all those times as a child when you burnt your G$D D@#N LIP on a bowl of hot SpaghettiOs? Why make the same mistake twice? This week’s Recipe for Disaster will teach you all about fixing your mistakes and making them taste good while you’re at it. What You’ll Need: A can of SpaghettiOs, a microwave (just to look at, longingly), a spoon, bag of ice, a lot of air in your lungs. Fatty Factor: Who cares? It doesn’t hurt anymore! Let’s Get Baked: - Open your can of SpaghettiOs and pour the contents in a bowl. - Place cling wrap over the top of the bowl and place it in your microwave. - Unplug your microwave and wait two and a half minutes. - Remove the cling wrap from the SpaghettiOs. -Let the SpaghettiOs cool down for 5-7 minutes. - Place desired number of ice cubes on top of exposed SpaghettiOs. - Drink or chew your bowl of SpaghettiOs. Did you burn your mouth? Didn’t think so. Look at how you’ve grown!
The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning thinking your dream about having people over last night was a reality and you go about your day with a smile on your face.
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Yik Yak Success Story Brings Together Two Horrible People Katie Wall Wrote This They say that love works in mysterious ways, and University of Delaware freshmen Tara Flattery and Josh Schwartz certainly agree. These two sad, lonely students reportedly found love in a hopeless place when they took to Yik Yak late one Saturday night, and have this app to thank for their newfound companionship. It was in this watering hole of free speech, fearless declarations, and bitter criticisms that Flattery and Schwartz’s low standards lead them to find what most spend their entire lives looking for: love. Records show that this modern-day fairytale started with a single Yak reading, “Just lookin for someone to bang... whose up in Redding??” Sources say it is no surprise that this reckless and poorly-spelled expression of passion and desire attracted Flattery’s attention. “Im up on the third floor! Come by if u like <3,” the biology major hastily replied. Sources close to Flattery report that she had initially included a winky face in place of the heart, but remembering
advice from her mother about how to conduct herself with boys, decided that the heart was more appropriate. After seeing the reply, witnesses confirm there was a cry of, “Dude no way!” before Schwartz ran out the door and bounded towards the elevator. Reports indicate that he quickly met up with Flattery and headed into her dorm, where they spent their first romantic evening together. Flattery’s roommate told The Black Sheep that she was “annoyed but unsurprised” that she was asked to leave the room for the night. An informant close to Schwartz who wishes to remain anonymous tells The Black Sheep that the nursing major has more to thank Yik Yak for than he would like to admit. He discloses, “Josh is kind of gross. Girls don’t really like him and I understand why. If I was a girl I wouldn’t like Josh.” Statistical evidence provided by the informant reveals that Schwartz’s, “pull ratio is weak.” Evidence collected from Flattery’s tumblr
suggests that her love life prior to the Yak was equally as dismal. Analysis of the tumblr finds that majority of posts consist of photos of couples in varying degrees of vulgarity with a caption from Flattery reading, “need this right now.” Other posts include thin people wearing scarfs and pictures of breakfast taken on white tablecloths. An exclusive interview with the happy couple three weeks after the initial spark that brought them together confirmed that they had met up twice since the initial meeting. “I just feel like these days, people are so grimy. Like do you really want to tell your kids one day that you and dad met on Tindr? No, that’s just not me. Its nice, to have like a real story. Our love is unique, like us, and our story should reflect that.” Asked if this was the outcome that he had expected when he composed the yak, Schwartz responded, “Actually not at all.
You have to be out of your mind to meet up with some stranger who posts on Yik Yak. But this girl did, so that’s cool.” “Well it’s not like I got into a rapey car or anything,” Flattery elaborated. “I just had a feeling. It was like a romantic connection I had through my phone. It’s not weird.” In a final question, reporters asked
Schwartz if he could do it all again, would he have changed anything about that influential Yak. His response was, “Yea well it got four down votes so that kind of sucked, but I guess it got the job done sort of.” “Romeo and Juliet. Jack and Rose. Tara and Josh,” said Flattery. “Thank you Yik Yak!”
THE BACK PAGE
There are 8 differences in this totally rad Katy Perry music video. Can you find them all? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com and if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll win a prize!
THE SCARY SSSSNAKES CROSSWORD Across: 1) Named after a common house pet, M’eow? 5) The Joakim Noah snake. 6) This snake is named after something smaller and squirmier; think bird food. 7) This one commands legions of loyal followers with its cool hood and venomous bite. 8) A bride-to-be may wear one of these bad boys on her leg. 9) Flex this big bad snake after you get pumped in the gym. 11) These snakes ain’t seein’ shit. 14) This rattler shares a symptom with many a stoner. 16) Kobe Bryant nicknamed himself after this snake. Down: 2) Ice Cube and Jon Voight once starred in a move featuring this fearsome Amazon constrictor. 3) This snake loves one of them southern boils with tiny lobster cousins. 4) Blue plus yellow and you have yourself
this kind of snake. 5) A creatively-named snake with black stripes. 10) If this snake was a chess piece, it could move one space in any direction. 12) Pop on some feathers and wear one to the fanciest ball in town. 13) Kind of like slippers, but more NativeAmerican, we suppose. 15) This snake shares a name with something found in the Great Barrier Reef. 17) We’re guessing this snake doesn’t do a body good.
SIX DEGREES OF SEPERATION JAMES FRANCO
ROBIN WILLIAMS James Franco and Robin Williams (R.I.P.) are connected in - you guessed it - six degrees. Do you know how that’s possible? Tweet us your answers or send us the breakdown at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!