Volume 7
The Black Sheep
you Free get ! Hon you est r w ly, l i-fi. ike Not how eve n so rry.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 4
Harker Concerned Alumni Too Excited To Be Back UDel Staff wrote this With Homecoming rapidly approaching, sources say that University of Delaware President Patrick Harker is concerned that alumni are too excited to return to the middling public university that produced them. The alumni, most of whom graduated tens of thousands of dollars in debt, will be greeted with a wide swath of activities, including a football game, affinity reunions, and the chance to once more roam the grounds that left them so utterly unprepared for the real world. “With my Path to Prominence, I aimed to make Delaware a premier college,” said President Harker. “However, that is clearly not what happened. Why do so many people come back? Surely building the ISE Lab doesn’t make up for putting them through what essentially amounted to a velvet-coated degree mill?” Many alumni are reportedly eager to revisit the scene of some of the greatest moments of their young adult lives, much of which actually happened off-campus at parties and other get-togethers that didn’t involve the university at all. “That’s just it, what exactly did we offer them? I mean, this year the freshmen got a silent disco for their welcome weekend for crying out loud,” Harker wondered. “In fact, most of the fun they had probably came because they broke university regulations regarding things like alcohol and noise violations.”
The former students, often with degrees for fields in which the University of Delaware holds little sway, are said to be anticipating a fun weekend of drinking and seeing old friends, with whom they will note the struggles of post-collegiate life and bemoan the lack of meaningful professional connections. They will reportedly also be on the lookout for professors whose offices they never visited and whose teachings left no lasting impact on their lives. “What employer is looking at a business degree from the University of Delaware and saying, ‘hey, this kid’s got the goods?’” asked Harker. “We’ve got physical therapy, I guess. But we only let about six students into the graduate program each year. So we’re significantly aiding the professional prospects of six students, and everyone else is along for the ride.” Among the excitement surrounding Homecoming is the possibility for appearances by famous alumni such as Joe Flacco and Vice President Joe Biden. “Flacco was a transfer from Pittsburgh who just wanted to tear up lower-division talent so yeah; I suppose it’s nice we were able to keep our athletic prowess low enough to give him that opportunity. And Biden? He got a sub-2.0 GPA. Not sure we were an accurate bellwether or incubator of potential talent,” Harker said. Sources say the alumni, who have helped contribute to an endowment that now
PAGE 5 PRO-LIFE GROUP THROWS ICE CREAM SOCIAL PROMISES IT WON’T BE ABOUT ABORTION.
tops 1.17 billion dollars, will return to their normal lives the following week, swollen with nostalgia for a place that left most with debts they continue to pay off.
“I just don’t understand what the alumni think they got out of all this, and why they continue to support us so much,” confessed Harker. “We’ve taught them how to memorize facts by rote, sure, and sometimes how to argue by parroting the conclusions of
others, but we haven’t taught them how to question the assumptions behind those, or to critically evaluate the institutions that reinforce them.” “Actually, that explains it,” he concluded.
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PAGE 11
TOP 10: SEX TIPS FOR FALL
ENGINEERING STUDENTS BEGIN SEMIANNUAL MATING RITUAL
RAKE PLAY IS NOT RECOMMENDED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
THE ONE GIRL IN CLASS IS IN FOR A RUDE-AWAKENING.
FOLLOW US @THEBLACKSHEEP_UD OCTOBER 9th, 2014 - OCTOBER 22nd, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Shannon Poulsen
STREET TEAM MANAGER Ryan Olsen
EDITORIAL MANAGER Matt Roarty
CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham
ADVERTISING MANAGER Cecelia Tefft
OWNER Atish Doshi
WRITERS Carolyn Beatty, Russel Kogan Shiv Patel, Tia Hill, Katie Wall Paul Mooney, Kelly Farrell Sean McBride, Steph Miller
FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Emily Nelson
QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com
SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Gwen Clarke
ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900 DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
FOLLOW US! @THEBLACKSHEEP_UD • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
UD
homecoming October 18th
drink specials entertainment
$3 Bloody Mary & Mimosa Bar
until 3pm
$3 Aluminum Bottles $4 Jameson $4 Red Bull & Vodka $5 Bombs & Irish Trashcans
DJ Will 12pm-3pm Barely Rarely 3pm-7pm DJ Infamos from 9pm
PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
BEAT OUR CAPTION!
TO KILL SOME TIME.
THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!
THE WAYWARD WAYNE
“Finally, we can be together,” Karen whispered to Brian, moments after the Space Supreme Court struck down laws banning inter-Kingdom marriages. Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
WORD of the WEEK
REMARKETABLE Anything sold purely because of its nostalgic value.
Lenny paid a handsome $35 for a remarketable Saved by the Bell t-shirt—the show came out before he was even born.
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Is considered an expert on sneakers.
2
Recently lost 75 pounds.
3
Began working at a pawn shop at age 21.
# # #
PLAY WITH US! @THEBLACKSHEEP_UD
PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
AROUND CAMPUS
Kirkbride Jesus Converts Record Number of Atheists Tia Hill wrote this
According to newly released statistical evidence, Kirkbride Jesus has converted a record number of atheists to Christianity this semester as a result of his daily evangelical speeches outside of the Kirkbride and Smith lecture halls. “At this point, most days the only reason I even leave my dorm is to sit outside of Kirkbride and listen to him,” commented one new follower who was recently drawn to all the hype around the teachings. Reports show a recent spike in the number of devotees. “I like hearing a man ramble on for hours as much as the next mentally stable person, so I figured why not go ahead and sit down and see what it’s all about,” remarked one proud new believer. “And the next thing I knew, I was emptying my backpack of my hundred-dollar textbooks to make room for more of his pamphlets!” Religious insiders remarked that it is
often a combination of physical factors and presentation, not just the spiritual message, which draws his large and loyal crowds.
However, a few of his newfound converts say they were simply amazed at his public speaking skills and saw that as a reason to listen to what Kirkbride Jesus had to say.
“Studies show that if a person talks loudly, forcefully, sounds like they know what they’re talking about, and claims that anyone who disagrees will go straight to hell, they are ninety percent more likely to gain a following than those people who do not illustrate these oratory traits,” observed researcher Tim Markey.
“Personally, I think anyone that can talk for hours on end without getting tired of hearing themselves, and isn’t afraid to go off on a nonsensical tangent, is someone worth listening to,” observed one student.
“Another finding reveals that the threat of eternal damnation ups conversion rates more than talk of the wonders of heaven.”
“When I’m walking and minding my own business, and a man is shouting at me and holding up signs, I obviously do the only thing there is to do, which is to stop everything that I’m doing to take a seat and listen and abide by every rule he suggests,” said a convert who has recorded all of Kirkbride Jesus’ sermons, and listens to them daily on his iPod while walking to class.
According to further reports, Kirkbride Jesus has converted more atheists to Christianity with his evangelical street talk than any other religious organization.
Sources close to Kirkbride Jesus say he has not changed any of his sermons or approaches from last year, attributing the conversion spike to the attitude of newer students.
Another finding in the study reveals that the threat of eternal damnation ups conversion rates more than talk of the wonders of heaven. “When he mentioned the possibility of me going to hell, I stopped for a moment and thought about it, and then decided to listen, partly because I was intrigued and partly because I ran over someone’s dog with my car the other day and then drove off,” shared one student.
Welcome Back Students!
COLLEGE NIGHT Every Tuesday | All Day, All Night
$2 Single YOU-CALL-ITS* 10 Cover Charge |
$
FREE Admission with UD I.D.
*Certain restrictions may apply. Valid at Grotto Pizza, Main Street only.
Thursdays with DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy & Vodka Drinks
$3 Blue Moon Pints
| $3 Coors Light 25oz Big Beers
Bar/Bar area only.
302.369.2200 | 45 East Main Street | Grotto Pizza.com |
“Honestly, when I first got here I had no idea who he was, but I assumed he was a professor because he was talking so loudly and with such conviction, and for a second I got nervous I hadn’t bought the right textbooks for his class yet,” said one freshman who quickly was converted to Christianity. If this trend in conversions continues, University of Delaware officials say the college will surpass the Divine Holy Rapture of the Hell and Damnation Chorus of the Saints Church and Cathedral with its number of religious conversions.
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
UD Football Faces Towson on Historic 50th Anniversary of Joe Biden Fingerbanging Freshman in the Fountain Paul Mooney Wrote This
The University of Delaware’s Homecoming game against Towson University will have a special historic significance this year, with reports saying it will take place on the 50th anniversary of Vice President Joe Biden, UD’s most distinguished alumni, fingerbanging a freshman in the fountain outside Morris Library. On October 18th, 1964, Biden, then a junior with a double major in history and political science and a 1.8 GPA, was stumbling down the green when he met freshman Emma Smith, the “hottest piece of ass this side of the Kissing Arches,” according to his memoir. The two entered the fountain around 2 a.m. and, drunk on a six pack of Milwaukee’s Best and three mouthfuls of fountain water, became physically engaged. Though specific details are not known, Biden wrote that she “had a V8 sex drive and drove this ol’ Chevy’s stick shift like no one else.” Sources familiar with the administration’s thinking say the semi-centenary has become a huge deal for them, confirming that a life-size statue of Biden has been commissioned. Standing tall and smell-
PRO-LIFE GROUP THROWING ICE CREAM SOCIAL PROMISES IT WON’T BE ABOUT ABORTION Off-campus pro-life group “Right to Live (It Up!)” promises that its upcoming ice cream social in the Trabant Lounge will not be about abortion at all, just a really good time to hang out with other friends, sources say. The group founded in 2007 by conservative student leader Charles Bitly, purchased ten gallons of UDairy’s finest flavors so come on down and grab a scoop,” report those with knowledge of the event. The group said it organized the social after their initial event protesting outside of Trabant failed to attract new members. “We tried to reach out directly to the students as they walked to class,” said member Sarah Crantz. “But that turned out to just be scary to most. Who knew that printing large pictures of dead children would deter membership? That’s what got me to join my freshman year.”
ing his index and middle fingers, the statue will be labeled with a plaque that reads “Talent” Magnet. Asked for comment by The Black Sheep, Biden replied, “I’m always rooting for the Fightin’ Blue Hens. I’m honored by how much the university has recognized me, and I’ll definitely be watching on game day.” “Off the record though,” he later added, “we’re gonna fucking wreck. Success will be sweeter than that primo fountain poontang at two in the morning.” Sources say the celebrations are sure to surpass last year’s 50th anniversary of Biden getting a handy on the steps outside Trabant.
UD Students Pretend to Know Who Young the Giant Is Russel Kogan wrote this
The group is definitely not planning on using those posters during the meeting, sources familiar with the group’s thinking said. “We will be talking about fun, pop culture things, like Lady Gaga,” said Right to Live (It up!) leader Gary Treed. “And Toby McGuire for the guys. You know, the cool people. Cool people who got a chance to live.” The group has reportedly also purchased sprinkles, caramel, and that fudge stuff that hardens when it touches the ice cream. “Abortion is never ok, but this ice cream always is!” continued Crantz. “God spent a little extra time making this frozen dairy treat special. Just like he spends extra time on each and every little baby. Want to see what they look like at 13 weeks old?” The social will be held on October 14 in the Trabant Lounge. All are welcome. Shannon Poulsen Wrote This
After the Student Centers Programming Advisory Board, or SCPAB, announced that Young the Giant was going to be UD’s fall concert, reports indicate that students of all ages acted like they were familiar with the band’s music. Statements like “oh yeah, I think I know that band” and “they do the song about the body, I think” ran rampant on campus.
themselves that Young the Giant was the perfect fit.
While studies show that most people have heard their two most popular songs, “My Body” and “Cough Syrup,” according to statistics collected by The Black Sheep, no one can name any more of their songs nor recite any lyrics to any of their songs.
While most students who bought tickets for the concert were telling themselves that they loved the band, other students who were hoping for a great fall concert struggled to think of excuses to not go. For example, one Young the Giant semi-fan stated that she would have gone to the concert, but her body was telling her “no.”
One student said in an interview with The Black Sheep, “Young the Giant? Isn’t that the huge guy in Princess Bride?” Several other people also had difficulty distinguishing the indie band from the famous actor with gigantism, Andre the Giant. The ubiquitous Young the Giant flyers posted by SCPAB featured five bearded men which sources say helped to remind UD students that they had no clue who the heck Young the Giant was. Senior Harrison Dudley, self-proclaimed “mega fan,” owner of five Young the Giant albums, and founder of the “Young the Giant Rox” group on Facebook told The Black Sheep, “I can’t wait for Young the Giant! They’re the perfect combination of tribal drums and Native American flute. I don’t know if you’ve heard their song ‘Infinity,’ but it goes doot doot doot doot beep bop beep, and it’s radical, man! Or is that by Young Wolves…whoever did it, it’s awesome!” After ticket sales for the concert opened September 8, reports confirm that students craving an exciting concert with a popular artist began trying to convince
“Of course I got tickets,” said junior Tristan Goo. “I’ve been waiting for SCPAB to tell us who the fall concert is for months. When I heard Monk the Giant was coming, I freaked. They’re like my fave electro punk band. It’s gonna be a sick concert.”
When the concert finally arrived on October 8, sources say that everyone at the Bob Carpenter Center was genuinely surprised to see how many other people were there. Christopher Hill, a junior, stated, “I thought it was just going to be me and my girlfriend. It was supposed to be a one-on-one romantic date with a live band right there. I was kind of disappointed to see that other people had the same idea.” While those with knowledge of the concert say the band wasn’t as young or as giant as UD was hoping for, it wasn’t a complete failure. Some people chose to mumble all of the lyrics that they knew. Every once in a while someone would shout “MY BODY!” While the initial response to Young the Giant wasn’t as uproarious as expected, sources say that the band has since gained a large following on campus. Local record stores noted large increases in requests for albums by “that band with those bearded guys who yell a lot.”
05
PARTY PICS
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth, and why?
MELISSA, SOPHOMORE “A toe. Someone had their foot near my face and I didn’t like it. I told the person I was going to bite their toe if they didn’t move it. They didn’t, and I’m a woman of my word.”
DOMINIC, SOPHOMORE “A gummy bear I found in my high school’s football stadium. I just wanted to gross out my friends.”
SAMANTHA, FRESHMAN “Previously chewed gum. I don’t think there was a reason. I just wanted some gum.”
06
THE TOP TEN
Sex Tips For Fall The weather may be cooling down, but that doesn’t mean your love life has to! Use The Black Sheep’s best ideas for the sexiest encounter you can have short of fornicating on the roof of Chipotle. 10.) Getting Down and Dirty in the Leaves: Summer (and sex on the beach) is over, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still get adventurous outdoors! Rake the leaves in your undies and then celebrate on the pile when you’re done. Cleanup will be a breeze, as you’re burning all the leaves anyway. Caution: rake play is not recommended under any circumstances.
9.) Apple Donuts: Fellas, you know where this is going. Solo or as part of a very cautious “bobbing for apples” session with your partner, nothing keeps the energy alive quite like bringing comfort food into the bedroom. For singles, enjoy repeatedly plunging and unsheathing your mighty wooden staff into the warm cinnamon-y cavity your standard donut has to offer. Buying two is optimal, as the second can be eaten to dull the dawning sense of horror set off by having sex with an apple donut. 8.) Scarf Bondage: This is a warm and cuddly way to enter the world of “lite” BDSM with that special someone. Plus, getting hardcore into this subculture might help you develop your talents for the art of erotic knitting. With the proper marketing, that kind of craftsmanship could easily make you a fortune on Etsy. 7.) Summon Persephone (And Your Wild Side!): Fall is when the ancient Greeks celebrated the return of Persephone from the Underworld. Perform a modern-day summoning ritual by crushing some herbs over the fire and curvaceously communing with your two favorite priests or priestesses for some old-fashioned fun. Make this more even more exciting by “forgetting” to wear your favorite sweater and jeans under your sacred robes. 6.) Halloween’s Not the Only Thing Coming: Dress as sexy skeletons to get you both in the mood for some serious boning! 5.) Fall Pheromones: Leave a trail of empty Starbucks cups to the bedroom. When your lover gets home from their intramural volleyball match, they’ll follow it to find you stretched across the linens, wearing nothing but a sensual layer of pumpkin spice. The smell will cause an instant fallgasm, guaranteed. 4.) Teacher Roleplay: Put on your hottest glasses and sit in a separate room while a graduate student does all of the work. 3.) Sexy Scavenging: As said earlier, food in the bedroom is always a good idea. After a cuddly walk in the woods to procure supplies, craft some edible lingerie for yourselves out of fall berries and then feast. This is also a good way to gain a protective layer of fat in preparation for awesome hibernation sex in December. 2.) Schoolyard Scandal: Bring back a sense of youthful charm in your lovemaking by communicating only in notes ending in “circle Y/N.” 1.) Carnal Campaign: In honor of the election, gerrymander arbitrary sections of your partner’s body in red and blue body paint and pay attention to only those that might vote in agreement with your views. Don’t forget to win over the “swing states,” as you’ll never get elected without the votes of both the derriere and left patella tendon.
Kelly Farrell wrote this
The Bar Grid Happy Hour! Monday-Friday 3-7PM $3 & $5 Food Specials $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria
Halloween Party on 10/26! Chorduroy Live! Costume Contests w/ Prizes!
FRIDAY! $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
All You Can Eat Wings (5PM - close) $2 Rail Drinks (all day) 1/2 Price Burgers 11:30am-3pm, House Music w/ DJ Andrew Hugh
DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy and Vodka, $3 Blue Moon Pints, $3 25oz Coors Lights $4 Tall Svedkas
$5 All Bombs, All Day, Everyday Live Bands!
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
SATURDAY
Brunch 11-4PM: $3 Mimosa’s $5 Bloody Mary’s/Maria’s 9-Close: $5 Fireball Shot & Draft Beer $5, $3 Infusion Shots and $2.50 Empanadas
Brunch 10am-2pm, $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar $3 Captain Morgan Drinks, All Day, Everyday Live Local Music! No Cover (w/ student ID)
$3 Big Miller Lites College Football
SUNDAY
Brunch 11-4PM $3 Mimosa’s $5 Bloody Mary’s/Maria’s $1 Off ALL BEERS during NFL Games
Sunday Funday w/ Brunch (9AM-2PM) $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar Chorduroy Live, No Cover
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
MONDAY
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria $3 & $5 Food Specials MNF: 8PM-Close: $2 Drafts
1/2 Price Appetizers 5pm-Close, $5 Off Big Beer Bottles Showtime Trivia at 8:30PM
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Leinenkugel Pints
TUESDAY
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria $3 & $5 Food Specials 8PM-Close: $5 Margaritas, $18 Pitchers of Sangria
$4 Double LIT’s 1/2 Price Burgers All Day Come Check Out Jefe and DJ Andrew Hugh Every Tuesday Night!
COLLEGE NIGHT! $2 Single You Call Its, $10 Cover Charge Free Admission w/ UD I.D.
WEDNESDAY
Happy Hour 3-7PM: $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria Cards Against Humanity Night: 7- Close $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks, $3 Fireball
1/2 Price Nachos and Quesadillas All Day, 1/2 Price Burgers All Day $1.50 Tacos, $3 Corona and Corona Light, $3 Margaritas, $2.50 Taylor’s Grog Draft
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
SPECIAL NIGHT THURSDAY FRIDAY
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria
9-Close: $5 Fireball Shot & Draft Beer, $3 Infusion Shots and $2.50 Empanadas
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria
9-Close: $5 Fireball Shot & Draft Beer, $3 Infusion Shots and $2.50 Empanadas
The Bar Grid Happy Hour! 4-7pm Monday - Friday: $1 Off Mixed Drinks, $6 Pitchers $2 Drafts, $4 House Wines $3 Red Sangria Glasses
Best Happy Hour in Town Mon.-Sat. 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks $5 App Menu
$2.50 COORS LIGHT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!
SPECIAL NIGHT
$5 Pubwiches, $2 Rail Pints Bomb Night! $5 Bomb Drinks: Car Bombs & Irish Trash Cans DJ Dance Party (10pm)
MUG NIGHT! $2 Drafts & $3 Well Drinks (Only with Mug) $3 Purple Gatorades $3 Applesauce 4-9pm: $6 Pitchers, $2 Drafts
International Night feat. DJ Bis 9-close Drink Specials: $3 Single, $5 Double, $3.50 Corona Football Specials: $6 Medium Cheese Pizza During All NFL Games
$12 Dinner Entrees, 1/2 Priced Bottles of Wine Free Happy Hour Taco Buffet! $2.50 Coors Light
THURSDAY
Newark’s Best Happy Hour! $2 Drafts & 1/2 Price Appetizers (6pm-8pm) $3 Bartender’s Choice, $3 Flavored Pinnacle Drinks, $4 Fireball DJ Dance Party (10pm)
4-9pm: $6 Pitchers, $2 Drafts 9-Close: $3 Big Bottle Bud Lights $3 Donkey Punch, $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Royal Flush shot $3 Blue Hen Shots
Best Happy Hour in Town Mon.-Sat. 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks $5 App Menu
FREE Happy Hour Carving Station 9pm - Close: $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts, $3 Rail Drinks, Fireball Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls., $4 Captain Morgan Drinks, $5 Senor Creepy
Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar (til 3pm) EPL Soccer - Live on the Big Screen $9.99 Celtic Entrees $4 Irish Drafts, $4Jameson, $4 Red Bull Vodka, $5 Carbombs Pub Pong (8pm)
9-Close: $4 Redbull or Monster and Vodka, $4 Bomb Shots $3 Vodka Drinks $3 Green Tea Shots $3 White Gummy Bear Shots
Newark’s New Soccer Headquarters Showing All Games! 9am-2pm Brunch: Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar
Chef's Special! DJ 9pm $2.50 Coors Light
SATURDAY
Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar (til 3pm) $10.99 All You Can Eat Wings & Fries, $4 Craft Drafts, $3 Big Arse Bud Lights, $3 You Call Its
Sunday Funday All Happy Hour Specials $3 Applesauce $3 Vodka Drinks
Soccer and Brunch 9am-2pm Football Specials: $3.50 25oz. Bud Light, $17 Bud Light Tower, $6 Medium Cheese Pizza During All NFL Games Medium Cheese Pizza & 10 Wings $13.99 Large Cheese Pizza & 20 Wings $23.99
All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs for $19 $2.50 Coors Light
SUNDAY
Wing Night $0.35 Wings $3 Big Arse 22oz Yuengling $3 Captain Morgan Drinks Newark’s Best Pub Quiz Tournament (9pm-12am)
4-Close: $4 Select Craft Drafts 9-Close: $3 Chocolate Cake Shots $3 Vodka Drinks
Football Specials: $3.50 25oz. Bud Light, $17 Bud Light Tower, $6 Medium Cheese Pizza During All NFL Games Medium Cheese Pizza & 10 Wings $13.99 Large Cheese Pizza & 20 Wings $23.99
$6 Nacho Night! Seafood, Taco, Supreme, Chicken or Pulled Pork $2.50 Coors Light
MONDAY
Burger Night! $5 1/2 burgers $3 16oz Long Island Iced Tea Pints, $4 Fireball Newark’s Famous Karaoke Dance Party (10pm)
4-9pm: $6 Pitchers, $2 Drafts 9-Close: $3 Tequila Sunrise Shots $3 Vodka Drinks
Best Happy Hour in Town Mon.-Sat. 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks $5 App Menu
$0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $2.50 Coors Light
TUESDAY
$5 Craic Nachos You Pick Monthly Special! Vote on Kildare’s Newark Media Outlets Dart League
4-Close: $4 Glasses House Wine 9-Close: $3 Chocolate Cake Shots $3 Vodka Drinks
Yeungs & Wings 5-close $0.49 Traditional, $0.59 Breaded $2 Yuengling Pints
Half-Price Burgers
WEDNESDAY
Homecoming 10/18!
$3 Bloody Mary & Mimosa Bar until 3pm, $3 Aluminum Bottles, $4 Jameson, $4 Red Bull, $5 Bombs & Irish Trashcans, Live Music 12pm - 9pm!
College Night!
FRIDAY
BLACK SHEEP ORIGINAL REPORTING
News Happening Somewhere in the World Today, Probably Paul Mooney wrote this Many different news happened with all the different people in all the different countries today. In one country, there was the president who wasn’t a good president because he didn’t represent the people the way they wanted, and now all the people are in the streets because they are angry. A lot of times people are in the streets because they are angry and poor. Because the people are angry and out in the streets, the president has to respond to them in one of two ways: democracy or tear gas. Usually it’s tear gas, but this time it might be democracy. But it will probably be tear gas. Money was spent; a lot of it, too! Some people spent a lot, because they have a lot so they can; but some people spent a little, because they only had a little so that’s all they could. In general, people are spending less because other people were spending less because they had less money, because other people weren’t spending, so everyone has less money, but now people might start spending more money so the people with a little money have a little more money to spend on things they need and the people with a lot of money have a whole lot more money to spend on houses and dog outfits and to throw at people dancing on big boats. A lot of people make laws. But some lawmakers make it so that no laws are made, and they make it hard for lawmakers who want to make lawmaking happen. These lawmakers make statements about the other lawmakers, like “they make laws that make things bad and they should not make laws anymore because they make me unhappy and we should make them not make laws anymore,” and the other lawmakers respond, “we should make those lawmakers not make laws anymore, because they just want to make people who make money make more money.” Then the original lawmakers say “those other lawmakers are trying to keep people from making money and that makes everyone unhappy so we don’t want to make the laws those lawmakers want to
make,” so the lawmakers take a longer time to make the laws. Someone was probably shot today. People are shot on most days. There was probably someone who wanted drugs and someone else who sold them, but they didn’t get along so they shot each other. Maybe they did get along, but they were caught by the police and the policemen shot them because they were breaking the law. Maybe they did nothing wrong and they still got shot. A lot of people do bad things; a lot of people get shot too. One mean policeman is on trial for shooting someone who did nothing bad. “Obligatory semi-apologetic statement,” said the man in charge of all the mean and nice policemen, “uncertainty of how at-fault the police department is, covered by promise of justice and bureaucratic handling of unfortunate statement. Regret over unsolvable scenario; tepid hope for improving structural issue,” he continued. The new phone was introduced today. This phone is a lot like all the other phones, but this one is better because it is a little faster. It is also a little bigger. People like bigger phones, except for when everyone wanted smaller phones. But now, the big phones make people happy so everyone wants to buy the big phone. The fat people with curly hair made another movie. Most of the movies are about doing drugs and then doing something else; this movie was the same, but the “something else” was different from the other movies so everyone wanted to see it. The people in the audience laughed when they saw it. “Hahahahaha,” they said when the fat man with curly hair smoked the drugs. “Tee hee hee,” they said when the other fat man got hit in the testicles. The sports happened today. Many people hit the balls to score points for
their teams. A lot of games were played between teams that were named after animals; only half the teams won. Sometimes the people had names that other people liked like D’Brickashaw, or D’Cardio, or Darnell, or D’Arnell, or De’Asian, Doop-Boop, Doo-Wop, DeepSca-Dop-A-Dop, Deedly-Beedly, or Ding-Bong-A-Dong. Other times they had names like Jason and Michael. People are getting sick. People always get sick, but this time it’s worse. Sometimes when people get sick they sneeze and then snot comes out of them really fast. When they get a little more sick, undigested food or liquidy poop comes out of them really fast. The liquidy poop smells bad and makes more undigested food come out of them, and they feel even sicker, but then even more liquidy poop comes out of them and they are very sad. This time, blood is coming out of everywhere really fast from people’s bodies, and that’s about the worst thing that can come out of people when they’re sick. A lot of people have this
in a place where they can’t really get help, and it’s very easy for people to get sick when they’re around other sick people, which makes the whole situation a whole lot worse, and everyone is a whole lot more sad. Everyone farted today. Seven billion people farted at least twice, with an average of four times. Yawns went up 5%, and people blinked a number of times that’s represented by a two followed by fourteen zeros. Everyone peed, too. 66% went in toilets. 32% went on the ground. 1.5% went in pants. .4% went in pools and the ocean, .08% went in a water bottle, and .0000004% landed in someone’s open mouth. Someone special also died. A lot of people died, but this person was a very special. He was born into a normal household/he was destined to stardom. He got his big break when he was only seventeen/twenty-four/eight-years-old in the sitcom/movie/custody case that everyone saw and loved. He continued
to make more movies/television shows/ tabloid headlines about addiction for many years. Anyway, he had cancer/ overdosed/killed himself/was killed by somebody else. Everyone was very sad, because his movies are very funny and he was a very nice person to the public. His friends mourned his death with a huge funeral that all the movie people get, and his fans mourned his death with television marathons, which is probably the best way you can remember someone who is most closely known for things that go on televisions. That’s some of the news today. There will be a lot more tomorrow! The news tomorrow will be a lot different from today, because the news is always different everyday. Sometimes similar news happens, but it’s always a little different, which is why the people still read the news. Some people don’t read the news, so they don’t know all the little different particulars of the things that happen everyday. But now you do. For today, at least.
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Engineering Students Begin
Semiannual Mating Ritual Around Class Female Paul Mooney wrote this Following a traditional one-month period of preparation, new reports say the males of CISC401 have begun the semester-long mating ritual surrounding the one girl in the class. “There’s something wrong with my code,” said Allison Winkfield, senior and prized female, during the weekly ceremony known as lab. Almost immediately, say sources with knowledge of the event, a young brave known as Ryan began his display of strength and intelligence, effortlessly gliding over in his chair and leaning over her, demonstrating both poise and wisdom as he began checking her work. “What’s the problem,” said Dan McHale, the eldest super-senior in the tribe, putting his arm over the back of Winkfield’s chair. “What Dan has done here is a common mating technique used by the Engineer,” said
UD anthropology professor Sarah Robinson. “By responding second and asking vague questions, he now has a laid-back appeal used to appear calmer and cooler than the rest of the males. However, he is only able to employ a ‘hover-hand,’ in which his arm hangs slightly above the back of her chair, resulting in a very awkward display of masculinity. This may be related to his presence in a 400-level computer science class.” Reports confirm that senior Elliot Eisenberg then leaned over Winkfield’s shoulder and immediately began typing. “Eisenberg hopes to establish a close physical proximity by doing this, as well as get her acclimated to his scent, which is a mix of bar soap and no deodorant,” Robinson added. “He also hopes that by not saying anything, he can come across as an enigmatic genius, like the wandering samurai who speaks to no one and saves the barley farmers. This is due to a long manga phase throughout his teenage
George Reader Confirms:
years, as well as being too nervous to talk to girls.” As more potential mates entered the bids became more desperate, and the suitors had to make do with little room. Junior Michael Achebe reportedly decided to employ his often unsuccessful technique of bending over her monitor and attempting to read her coding upside-down to look for syntax errors. “Achebe here acts in a way that us foreigners might think strange. Well, the other tribesmen think it’s strange, too,” Robinson commented. “By attempting to read upside down, he provides an uncomfortable display of intelligence. It is not only physically uncomfortable for him, but also socially uncomfortable for everyone who has to watch it happen.” Despite the space being tight, another contender named Ian Rosenblatt entered the lusty, futile contest. Using his five-foot,
George Read Kicks Ass Katie Wall wrote this
six-inch, 125-pound build to his advantage, Rosenblatt sprang up from under the table between Winkfield’s legs, holding a ten-inch laptop with his own correctly inputted code. “Rosenblatt’s introduction started what is referred to anthropologically as a ‘feeding frenzy,’ in which each Engineer feeds off the testosterone of the other,” Robinson said. Sources say the students then stood on the tables, tearing off their shirts and exposing abdominal muscles only visible because of their skinny frames. In order to reestablish himself as the alpha male, Ryan started
The George Reader, George Read’s dorm newspaper, released a new report Friday, confirming that George Read does, in fact, kick ass. Following years of deep investigative journalism, George Reader reporters have come to the conclusion that George Read -- the lone freshman dorm building on the otherwise exclusively upperclassman Laird Campus -- has produced a breed of freshmen that are “superior in every scientifically measurable way.” The George Reader reports that George Read freshmen are more culturally aware and more mature than “lesser UD freshmen,” and do not have the “whiny crybaby tendencies” of their peers. George Read freshman Brandon Montez was quoted as saying, “The first time I walked out of my dorm I immediately sensed that something was wrong. I felt a burning sensation around my neck and chest. Then I realized that it was my lanyard. If I hadn’t been around all of the chill upperclassmen, I would have kept that thing on for my whole life like all the other jackass freshmen.” According to the report, George Read freshman are often mistaken for “really cool and aloof upperclassmen,” who have an “I don’t give a shit because I fucking own this place” attitude.
Resident Shannon Leonard said, “I bet that like, nobody can even tell that I’m a freshman anymore. Right up until I walk into the door to George Read, I could be walking over to the Towers. People probably think that I am actually.” The George Reader report includes a survey of traditional freshman residence halls which reveal that on an average night about 66% of rooms contain the “stifled sobs of a homesick pansy,” compared with a mere 64% in George Read. While some sources say George Read is notorious among the UD community for being the most antisocial freshman dorm, The George Reader determined that George Read residents “don’t need to participate in lame freshman activities.” Ryan Jacobs is quoted saying that, “I didn’t need to go to those stupidass meetings. I bought a door stop and pump my jams mad loud and wait for the ladies to come to me.” The paper also concluded that George Read freshmen are also physically superior to the standard freshman. Evidence suggests that the long-ish walk from North Campus to main campus “has chiseled the typical George Read freshman into an athletic powerhouse,” and even produced bulk on the calf, “which is really hard to do and badass.”
fighting off other warriors with a keyboard and strangling them with the USB cable. The TA, in an act of male dominance, covered his face in chalk war-paint and performed a traditional mating dance of strength and masculinity, in which he does sit-ups with his testicles exposed. This large hoopla came to a quick halt, however, as Allison added a missing rightparenthesis, fixing the issue. Having not won a mate, the men hung their heads and awaited leaving, reportedly so they could go back to their huts to hone their mating skills and furiously masturbate.
Citing George Read’s very own biology and anthropology majors, the George Reader exposed “startling similarities between the physical form of the George Read resident and the Spartan Warrior, both of whom are fucking awesome.” The report also shows that George Read freshmen, who are “obviously more intelligent with kick ass calves and a pleasant smell,” are also “total babes and jacked studs.” A survey conducted among George Read residents finds that sexual activity occurring in George Read is “the best,” and that “we have sex all the time, and do all sorts of cool sex stuff.” Evidence presented by the George Reader suggests that the benefits of being a George Read resident do not end with the conclusion of freshman year. Living in George Read “gives upperclassmen a competitive edge over worthless sophomores.” “ These cultured and attractive sophomores know the ropes of North Campus, the preferred housing of upperclassmen,” said the report. “While other underdeveloped upperclassmen attempt to make sense of it all, the experienced former George Read resident takes their second year at UD in stride and fucking owns the turf. Frisbee for days!”
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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Taken • Favorite Drink: Strawberry pineapple mojito Favorite Shot: Apple bacon bourbon and Fireball Disgusting Drink: Jagerbomb What aspect of bartending are you better than any other bartender at?: Making people laugh, because I like to dance behind the bar.
so... Curtis Jackson.
Do you have a drink of your own creation?: Pumpkin pie martini, it’s caramel sauce, cinnamon syrup, cinnamon powder, half and half, pumpkin pie vodka.
If we invented a word right now-say... “spladawnt”--what would you say it means?: Something to do with falling in the bathtub.
Is there a liquor myth you know from personal experience to be false?: Smoking pot before you drink won’t make you sick. I hope I don’t get in trouble for this.
JESSICA of CAFE OLE THE DRINKING GAME
SMACK THE BARTENDER Look at that arrogant buttface, sitting over there behind the bar atop his little throne, counting his tips, and acting like he owns the place. It’s time to show him what’s up. You’re the king of this bar, not him. Or maybe you’re just really drunk. Who cares? Dude, you can totally take him. What You’ll Need: A strong hand and a weak bartender. Number of players: Just you, the bartender, and whoever is in your way. Level of intoxication: Enough to slap the bartender. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
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Besides M&Ms, what else melts in your mouth and not in your hand?: 50 Cent said something about that,
What are granny panties good for?: Shark Week.
If you could have dinner with a famous person, living or dead, whose face would you wear and why?: Jeffrey Dahmer. I read a lot about him. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s entertaining. And for the cryptograms.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
FRIED McDOUBLE Alright, it’s time to polish the turd. You’ve ordered a McDouble and have the instant regret of filling your body with 90% grease and 10% loss of self-respect. It’s time to double the McDouble and fry that bad boy like it’s never been fried before – because it hasn’t. You’re a health-hazard revolutionary. You’re a savior. You’re the first person to fry and try a McDouble. What You’ll Need: $1 and some loose change because of tax (thanks, Obama), patience, minimal athletic skill, the will to discover what’s on the other side of life. Fatty Factor: You’ve already walked inside a McDonald’s, what do you care?
How to play: - Start drinking with your friends at home, then go out. - Get to the bar and hone in on your desired target. - Stare the bartender down from across the bar, make sure he knows you’re on to him. - With every move he makes, counteract with a disruptive bar tactic (yelling, smashing glass). You need to prove your dominance as the alpha drunk and let him know who’s boss. - Approach the bar with caution (he may be on to you with all the yelling). - Whisper your drink order so he leans in close. - When he leans in close, whisper “I GOTCH’YA” into his ear. - SLAP HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE.
Let’s Get Baked: - Suffer through the shit storm that is McDonald’s customer service and order a McDouble. - If you’re lucky enough to receive what you’ve ordered, remove the paper wrapping. - Yell in a foreign language and hop over the customer service desk. - Approach the fry cook and confiscate their uniform. - Now you’re in disguise. Toss your McDouble into the fryer and wait 90 seconds until it’s done. - Pour as much salt as possible on your McDouble and eat in one bite while you run away from the restaurant manager. - Shit in the restaurant lobby and demand a free coupon.
The Game Ends When: You slap the bartender in the face and run away as fast as you can. Combine this game with the fried McDouble recipe for maximum marathon training.
Now that you’ve mastered a regular visit at McDonald’s, check up next week when we make a shake out of a 20-piece McNugget.
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Broken Family Temporarily Brought Together By Parents Weekend Shannon Poulsen wrote this The completely broken and unhappy Wiles family was briefly brought together on Parents Weekend this past Saturday, reportedly prompting the family to promise they’ll “do this again sometime soon” as it was “nice.” The Wiles family consists of Kevin Wiles, a sophomore at the University of Delaware, his sister, Kelly Wiles, a senior in high school, his mother, Linda Wiles, a stay-athome mom and imminent empty nester, and his father, Greg Wiles, sales associate at Emerson Co. Sources say the family drove down from northern New Jersey to visit Kevin, see Joel McHale, attend a football game, try to maintain the illusion they all loved each other, and have a nice dinner. “I usually don’t eat out at the sit-down restaurants on Main Street, but we did this weekend, so there’s that,” said son Kevin. “We got UDairy after too, which I haven’t had since last week at the dining hall. That’s a positive.” The family, previously known for their
distant and unloving nature in public, displayed the proper amount of effort to show others that they cared for their family members. “I sat next to them at Joel McHale” said Kevin’s floormate Tom Blonde. “His parents hugged at one point, Kevin chatted with his sister. It doesn’t seem like anything is wrong.”
“Greg didn’t talk about the house repairs too much, Kelly actually put her phone down during dinner, and Kevin had conversation points to contribute. It warmed my heart.” “Yeah I like my brother” said sister Kelly, who had not spoken to Kevin since July. “His dorm is nice. But to be honest, I’d rather be home with my volleyball girls. Don’t tell Mom that though, ‘cause she’ll just get all sad. That’s why I put my phone down at
dinner - she’ll be off my back for a while.” Linda Wiles, whose weekly calls to her son have reportedly not been answered since he got to college, stated that she “really enjoyed the quality time.” “It’s not often that I get the whole family together” she said. “But this was really pleasant. Greg didn’t talk about the house repairs too much, Kelly actually put her phone down during dinner, and Kevin had conversation points to contribute. It warmed my heart.” She then excused herself to the restroom, audibly sniffing away a few tears. “Yeah, Linda wasn’t too overbearing at the football game. Normally, she tells me to shut my mouth and stop screaming at the TV on football Sundays, but she let me heckle all I wanted at the UD game” said father Greg. “I just hope she doesn’t nag me when we get home and I turn on the Jets.” “Dad sleeps in the guest room now,” said Kelly. “They don’t even fight. They just retreat to their rooms and quietly continue
with their lives. My mom cries sometimes, sure, and that’s horrible. But she’s usually out after ten minutes making me some kind of cookie.”
She also posted a picture of the immediate family at the game, of whom only she is smiling.
Linda Wiles left a comment in the Parents Weekend event page on Facebook stating that she really loved the weekend, whoever planned it did a solid job, and that they would be back soon.
“In the hustle and bustle of the busy parent weekend, I think I found my son again. He’s growing right up. I just hope he doesn’t forget about us at home! LOL!” read the caption, which none of the other family members liked.
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Can you solve the puzzles below? Email us at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win a prize!
the WALK THROUGH CAMPUS madlib ___1___ is so alive in the fall! Just walking around campus and smelling the ___2___s and leftover ___3___, seeing the freshman skanks with their ___4___s exposed groping the ___5___-year-old locals - god, they’re so cool - hearing the roar of the ___6___ bottles rolling into the gutter… I just love it all! As I walk past the bars, I just can’t help but feel a tingle in my ___7___ at the thought of finally downing a___8___ with a ___9___ and a ___10___ beer-back. Once I turn 21, everything will change. Sure, I could get a fake ID, but with this baby face, who’d believe it? Plus it’s so much better to wait, right? That’s pretty much my philosophy on everything, at least that’s what my mom wants me to do. Seeing all the lecture halls brimming with kids in front of their computers, reading up on ___11___, watching ___12___ do the Ice Bucket Challenge and seeing the hundreds of pictures of ___13___’s baby - who just turned three! - really gets me excited to hit up my remedial math class. I love creeping, er, watching over the shoulder of that cute ___14___ as she scrolls through page after page of Tumblr; I feel like I’m really getting to know her. Who needs math anyway? I’m an ___15___ after all! Finally flopping down on my lofted bed in ___16___ after a long day of learning is the icing on the cake of a classic college day. Hitting up ___17___ with my ___18___-loving roommate is always a highlight, mostly because we get high (heh) off of his sick ___19___ and then light (heh) a doobie on the walk over there, and just go hard on some ___20___ and ___21___. Freshman 15, my butt! It’s really these simple days that make me appreciate how badass it is going to ___22___. So maybe I’ll spend another night watching ___23___ and hangin’ with my floor mates, but it’s all about the memories, man, all about the memories.
CLUE BANK
1) Your college town 2) Type of flower 3) Late-night food 4) Body part 5) 30-something age 6) Type of liquor
7) Body part 8) Strong mixed drink 9) Novelty shot 10) Average beer 11) Latest hashtag trend 12) Random old relative
13) Your (annoying) homecoming queen 14) Hair color 15) Your major 16) Freshman dorm 17) Campus cafeteria
18) 60s rock band 19) Smoking apparatus 20) Savory food 21) Type of cereal 22) Your university 23) Terrible reality show
the wordsearch ALL ABOUT AUTUMN CLUE BANK Pumpkin Spice Latte • Whiskey Hot Toddy • Cider Caramel Apple • Cider Donuts Butternut Squash • Chili Beards • Football • Hoodies Flannel • Fleece • Scarves • Boots Foliage • Bonfires • Hayrides • Leaves
ANSWERS