Vol. 6, Issue 5
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
F COM REE... PUT LIKE ERS UNA AT T TTE HE NDE LIB D RAR Y.
4/10/14 - 4/23/14
GIRL WATCHES STRANGERS’ THINGS IN UNIVERSITY LIBRARY, DIES SEAN McBRIDE WROTE THIS Delaware student Ashley Greene was found dead at her study lounge on Thursday night after the stress of watching too many strangers’ things overwhelmed her. That night, a stranger asked Greene to watch his things while he went to the bathroom. Forgetting that he left his book with a stranger, he never returned. Five other strangers saw Greene watching the book, and decided to dump their unwanted items off as well. One by one, they dropped their things and asked her to watch them while they would “return shortly.” Four days later, Greene was found dead at her study table in the library from apparent anxiety, dehydration, and hunger, surrounded by an unhealthy amount of strangers’ things. The Black Sheep interviewed her roommate, Amanda Livingston, to get her opinion on the recent passing of her roommate. “I am like, really, really sad right now. We were so similar and we did everything together. I don’t really know what I’m going to do now. It’s not all bad though. I heard a rumor that if your roommate dies during the semester, you get a 4.0. To be honest, this all came at a pretty good time because my grades were starting to slip a little bit. And look, I don’t even have to try the rest
of the semester! But I am sad, I really am. Boy, will that 4.0 look nice though.” “Greene was just an innocent girl asked by an inordinate amount of strangers to watch their things for ‘just one second’ while they ‘run to the bathroom,’ causing her to die in the seat she didn’t leave for four days” said private investigator Neil Reymond. “Never once did she question the whereabouts of these people.” The Black Sheep was able to catch up to one of the “strangers,” Ryan Francis, who had dumped his things with Greene. “I didn’t mean for her to die. I don’t think anyone actually thought she would watch our stuff for that long. I saw one guy ask her to watch his stuff while he went to the bathroom. I realized I had to go, and she said yes, so she became that designated person,” said Francis. “I mean clearly she had trust issues if she was willing to protect the things of people she didn’t even know. I was like the 4th person, too. When you see someone willing to just watch your stuff, in this world, you gotta just take advantage of it and give anything you have.” When asked why he never returned for his items, Francis responded he “trusted her enough to never lose the things” so much that he forgot he even “left them in the first place.”
PAGE 7 TOP 10: WAYS TO GET OVER A BAD INTERVIEW PUT THE SUICIDE NOTE DOWN, DAMMIT, AND FLIP TO PAGE 7.
“Watching stranger’s things has been a growing problem in libraries across America. No longer can one sit in a library, free of responsibility, and keep to themselves. Strangers now take advantage of the
weaker, loyal library-goers which has led to circumstances like this. Well nothing this extreme,” said librarian Melanie Cruger. “Greene’s loyalty is one for the books.”
A memorial service will be held at 5:00p.m. this Saturday. Personal lockers will be provided for those who to have their items protected.
PAGES 10-11 JESUS OF BLAZERETH EASTER CONVENIENTLY LANDS ON 4/20 THIS YEAR, WHICH MADE US THINK SOME DEEP THOUGHTS, MAN.
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UD HONORS STUDENT WRITES REVOLUTIONARY THESIS USING YAHOO! ANSWERS SHIVAM PATEL WROTE THIS Senior Steven Burnes found inspiration from Yahoo! Answers for his Distinguished Honors thesis. His paper then became one of the most celebrated works of scholarly art to come out of UD. Steven describes himself as the typical honors student. He opted to stay in Honors Housing for the entirety of his college experience, and even volunteered his time to various “fellow” positions. For his final thesis, Steven, an Honors philosophy major, wanted to explore the meaning of life. “It’s an idea that is very much a mystery to me, and I feel like nobody really knows what life truly means,” says Burnes on his reason to explore this topic. So during the summer of 2013, Steven Burnes set up shop in the library and explored every philosophical journal he could find. He started his project by perusing through readings from Camus, Nietzsche, and the like. However, according to Burnes, “[he]
just wasn’t finding anything substantial. Their works weren’t very scholarly and didn’t actually give me any clear description of the meaning of life.” It was during that moment when Steven Burnes decided to turn on his computer and use Yahoo! Answers as his major source. “Masturbation! i mainly enjoy trapping my farts under my blanket, only to waft and engulf in the smell seconds later. To look at silly pictures on the interwebz.” Burnes received the above answer using the website. He copied and pasted all of the responses as a list and presented them as his thesis. Then, he used these responses to contradict the claims of the philosophers that he once respected. According to Burnes, he wanted to play “Devil’s advocate.” Burnes then thought of exploring an additional idea. He presented his new question: “Why?” Its simplicity added greater depth to his thesis.
His advisors had to warm up to the idea. “At first, I advised him against it, but you know Mr. Burnes, he’ll do whatever he wants. He’s an Honors student! But when I received notice that his thesis would be published in Reader’s Digest, I was astounded. Even Harry was,” explained Dr. Yervis of the philosophy department. Harry Neft, also a senior philosophy major, is Steven’s rival. Neft explored the philosophy of space travel and science-fiction for his thesis, and even added his own personal research to his thesis. It was praised by all, until people read Steven’s. “Initially I was a bit jealous, but I’ve read it, and his thesis is truly revolutionary! It makes me wish that I used Yahoo! Answers for mine…” On April 4th, Burnes received news from the editors at Reader’s Digest that his work was going to be published in Highlights magazine and Village Voice. To celebrate, the folks at the Honors program will be
throwing a gala for Burnes’ work. It will be open to the public, and Yahoo! Answers responses will be projected on the walls. “After writing this piece of work, I feel like it’s less of a thesis and more of an art piece.
Lotsa
It’s opened up my eyes and now I see the world in a new lens. I guess it comes with the territory of being a true Honors student,” Burnes responded when asked about how he felt after this new respect and fame.
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ON THE STREETS WHAT CHEESY PICK UP LINE WOULD WORK BEST WHEN PICKING UP A MILF/DILF? Brandon
“Can I have your boobs ‘cuz they’re fat.”
Egypt
“If I was to ask for sex, would the answer to this question be the same as the answer to that one?”
Brandon
“Do you know what my favorite big cat is? They respond no. I say, cougars-- hi my name is Brandon, nice to meet you.”
06
THE
TOP
TEN
WAYS TO GET OVER A BAD INTERVIEW
a’s!
erit argh
M at at E e om
C
STAFF WROTE THIS Hey little feller, did your job interview go okay? You know, the huge interview for that big internship you really wanted? What’s that? It didn’t go so great, you say? It went terrible? Whoa, whoa, slow down. You want to kill yourself? Hey, hey. That’s no kind of attitude, cheer up. The Black Sheep has botched our fair share of interviews and believe us when we say: You’ll live. Sure, you’re feeling down now, but wait until you read our Top Ten ways to get over it. You’ll be aces. 10.) Pause and Reflect: First off, did the interview actually go all that bad or are you just an anxietyprone person? Consider this: If you’re the kind of person who Web M.D.s every canker sore, sunburn and blister then you’re probably just senselessly obsessing over the minute details. We guarantee that the interview didn’t go half as bad as you think. But to be honest, obnoxiously anxious people have a bad tendency to flop on their biggest days and nobody likes a Nervous Nelly… On second thought, never mind. 9.) Google Horror Stories: Get on the Google and check out some forums, look for posts that read: “OMG! Worst. Interview. EVER!” There are all kinds of incompetent people out there who’ve been in worse predicaments than you. So you took a couple of long pauses? Posh. Some man actually spit up on his interviewer’s lips and then, instead of apologizing, laughed and called himself a sprinkler. 8.) Convince Yourself the Job was the Wrong Fit: God, a callback would totally suck. Spreadsheets? Budgets? Independent research? Holy smokes, what a bummer. Good thing you couldn’t properly communicate your former work experience -- you nearly landed that horrible gig. 7.) Send a Threatening Follow-Up E-mail: Okay, so the company said it would get back to you in a week. It’s been six days so go ahead and threaten the lives of your interviewer’s children. “Dear Research Manager Joe, I’ll take every one of your goddamn kids to hell with me,” is a good start. However, it’s important to end on an uplifting note: “I’m looking forward to working with your great firm and am honored to have heard your angel voice -- With sincere lust, Edward.” 6.) Develop an Addiction or Disorder: Don’t think about the interview; distract yourself with drugs, alcohol and food. Whip up a batch of no-bake cookies and pump yourself full of savory heroin. Eat your fill and throw everything up. Wash, rinse, repeat. 5.) Become an Entrepreneur: Who wants to intern at some public limited company when there’s opportunity afoot? Build a hotdog stand alongside I-94 and call it “Roy’s Road Rashes,” it doesn’t have to be perfect, or make any sense at all. We’re pretty sure that spontaneously constructing a hotdog stand anywhere you so please is a totally illegal thing, so…give it a try! 4.) Rethink Your Preparation Strategy: So your interview flopped because you didn’t have the moxie to answer tough, on-the-spot questions at a moment’s notice. You can fix that. Next time, instead of researching the company and memorizing relevant answers to possible questions, have your friends waterboard you. Practice makes perfect, but screaming into a gallon of pouring water will get you through anything. If you want to handle any pressure, trust in torture.
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3.) Write Yourself an Inspirational Note: Dear me. Why are you so beautiful and loving? So kind, generous and awesome? So awesome and totally great – especially at talking? Especially at not fucking up that interview? You beautiful piece of useless sludge. You raptor’s ass, you snake-snatched lunatic, you fiery flatulence, you bogus brown-nosing bitch. – Forever yours, you. 2.) Send Your Interviewers an Apologetic Haiku: Oaf sits on mountain / kills and cleans the crocodile / burns his tongue with salt 1.) Just Get Over It: Hey, it’s life. Shit happens (insert uplifting cliché). But if you must fail, fail with grace.
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The Bar Grid ALI BABA Sunday Funday All Day Happy Hour Drinks! $2 16oz Domestic Drafts, $3 22oz Domestic Drafts, $2 Rail Drinks & 1/2 price glasses of house wine
SPECIAL NIGHT
Everyday! $3 12oz beers, $5 off hookah with purchase of 2 entrees
Ole After Hours (Everyday, 10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
GET OUT THOSE DRESSES! Little Black Dress Party 4/29
THURSDAY
Free upgrade to a fruit head hookah with the purchase of two entrees
Live Entertainment! $2 Drafts $4 Mojitos, Margaritas Infusion Drinks Ole After Hours (10pm to Close)
All You Can Eat Wings (5PM - close) $2 Rail Drinks (all day) 1/2 Price Burgers 11:30am-3pm, House Music w/ DJ Andrew Hugh
$6 pitchers Miller Lite, Coors Light, or Yuengling, $5 House Margaritas 8-close
$5 Long Island Ice Teas
$3 Coronas, $2 Drafts Ole After Hours (10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
$5 All Bombs, All Day, Everyday Epic Sound DJs NO COVER!
Happy Hour 3-7PM: $2 16oz domestic drafts, $3 22oz domestic drafts, $2 rail drinks, and 1/2 prices glasses of house wine 3-6PM $5 selected apps
$3 All 12oz Beer
Spanish Brunch 11 am to 3 pm, $3 Mimosas During Brunch $3 Bud Light, $2 Drafts Ole After Hours (10pm to Close)
$2.50 Captain Morgan Drinks, All Day, Everyday Live Local Music! No Cover (w/ student id)
8-close: $4 Pinnacle Vodka drinks
SUNDAY
Free appetizer with purchase of 2 entrees
Spanish Brunch 11 am to 3 pm, $3 Mimosas During Brunch Desserts 50% off from 3 to close Ole After Hours (10pm to Close)
Sunday Funday w/ Brunch (9AM-2PM) $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar Chorduroy Live, No Cover
Sunday Funday All Day Happy Hour Drinks! $2 16oz Domestic Drafts, $3 22oz Domestic Drafts, $2 Rail Drinks & 1/2 price glasses of house wine
MONDAY
$3 12oz Dogfish Head, Free $5 appetizer with purchase of two entrees
$2.50 Montaditos (Spanish Sliders, $3 Buds Ole After Hours (10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials, $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
1/2 Price Appetizers 5pmClose, $5 Off Big Beer Bottles Showtime Trivia at 8:30PM
Moonshine Monday 8pm - Close: $5 Ole Smoky Moonshine Drinks
TUESDAY
$5 off hookah with purchase of 2 entrees
$2.50 Empanadas, $2 Drafts Ole After Hours (10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
$4 Double LIT’s Every Tuesday!
Kids eat free all day long with the purchase of an adult entrée Trivia starts at 8PM with your chance to win $20, $30 or $50 in Turtle Bucks $5 House Long Island Iced Teas 8-close
$3 12oz Blue Moon
$3 Captian Morgan, $2 Draft Beers, $5 Flatbread Pizzas Ole After Hours (10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
1/2 Price Nachos and Quesadillas All Day, $10 Pitchers of Long Island Iced Tea, $1.50 Tacos, $3 Corona and Corona Light, $3 Margaritas, $2.50 Taylor’s Grog Draft, Karaoke!
FRIDAY SATURDAY
WEDNESDAY
With Jefe and DJ Andrew Hugh $4 Double LIT’s Every Tuesday!
Live Music 9:30-close
4/16 Christie & Co | 4/23 Carla & Mike $3.50 Bottles of Dogfish 90, Anchor Steam, Sierra Nevada, Heavy Seas, Hop City, Flying Dog, Otter Creek
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid
DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy and Vodka, $3 Blue Moon Pints, $3 25oz Coors Lights $4 Tall Svedkas
$5 Pubwiches, $2 Rail Pints, $5 Bomb Drinks, Car Bombs & Irish Trash Cans, DJ Collision 10pm
1/2 Price Wings, DJ Kevin Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!
International Night with DJ BIS No Cover! $2.50 Bud Light, $3.50 Corona $3 Whatevers
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
Happy Hour! 6pm - 8pm: $2 Select Drafts, 1/2 Price Apps $3 Bartender’s Choice, $3 Flavored Pinnacle Drinks, DJ Collision 10pm
1/2 Price Salads 11am-4pm, Seafood Night, DJ Nii Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $4 Long Island Ice Teas, $4 Fireball and Blue Ball Shots
Live Acoustic Music from 6 - 10 College Night! $3 Bacardi Oakheart Mugs, $2 24oz Drafts
Brunch 11am - 2pm, Live DJ 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Washington Apples
Book Your Event or Party! Call 302-738-0808
Chef's Special! DJ 9pm $2.50 Coors Light
SAT.
Brunch 10am - 2pm, 1/2 Price Entrees 4pm - 10pm, 1/2 Price Apps 9pm - Close 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Rails
Lazy Day with Luke and Ashley, $3 Mimosas All Day
All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs for $19 $2.50 Coors Light
SUN.
1/2 Price Apps 4-7PM
$6 Nacho Night! Seafood, Taco, Supreme, Chicken or Pulled Pork $2.50 Coors Light
MON.
Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar until 3pm
$3 Carlsberg, $3 Fireball and Bartender’s Choice, $4 Red Bull Vodka, DJ Infamos (9pm-1am)
Wednesday - Wings and Yuengs
$2.50 COORS LIGHT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!
$12 Dinner Entrees, 1/2 Priced Bottles of Wine Free Hapy Hour Taco Buffet! $2.50 Coors Light College Night!
FREE Happy Hour Carving Station 9pm - Close: $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts, $3 Rail Drinks, SoCo Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls., $4 Captain Morgan Drinks, $5 Senor Creepy
FRI.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
Tuesday - Karaoke Night
THURS.
ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles, $4.50 RBVs
SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Hour! Monday-Thursday, 6pm-8pm 1/2 Prize Apps, 22oz Draft Specials, $3 Beer of the Month Pints
EVERYDAY: $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar until 3pm 1/2 Off Entrees, $3 22oz Bud Light, $3 Call Drinks
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Leinenkugel Pints
Wing Night! $0.35 Wings, $3 22oz Yuengling, $2 Rail Pints Pub Quiz: Win Prizes! 9- 12am
$6.99 All You Can Eat Pizzas, Breadsticks and Bolis! 5-8pm All Day and Night! $2 Single You Call Its, $10 Cover Charge Free Admission w/ UD I.D.
Burger Night! $5 1/2 lb. Burgers $2 Rail Pints & Bud Light Pints, $3 16oz Long Island Pints, $4 Fireball Karaoke Dance Party! 10pm
1/2 Price Nachos, Quizzo Tuesday Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!
Karaoke from 9-1am! $3 Singles, $5 Doubles
$0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $2.50 Coors Light
TUES.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Weinhard's IPA
COUNTRY NIGHT! $5 Craic Nachos, $3 Pinnacle Flavors, $2 Miller Lite DJ Big Country
1/2 Price Sandwiches and Salads, 1/2 Price Appetizers 9-close, Live Music Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Blue Moon, $3 Captain Drinks
Wings and Yuengs $0.55 Wings, $2 Yuenglings
Half Price Burgers
WED.
Half Price Burgers, Salsa Night Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Wells, $4 Fireball Shots
f O s u s e J
h t e r e z Bla ote this Nic Kanaar wr
jesus of blazereth
This year, Easter Sunday lands conveniently on 4/20, a date that usually stands on its own as a holiday for stoners worldwide. This got The Black Sheep thinking; what if Jesus was the pot-smoking, sandal-wearing, Wakarusa attendee that he resembles in all of those pictures hanging in our grandmother’s living room? Our speculation turned into certainty, and now we present you with some of your favorite New Testament stories if Jesus of Nazareth was a tokin’ Messiah.
The Temptation of a Tripping Jesus After Jesus and John the Baptist frolicked in the water in a “no homo” kind of way, Jesus decided to head into the Judean Desert to fast for forty days and nights. Also to smoke some weed and take a bunch of peyote. Twenty minutes into his trip, Satan appeared to Jesus in the form of what would later be known as a “Venice Beach roller skater.” The devil, who was wearing a tank top and cut-off jean shorts, looked down at the hungry Jesus. “If you are the son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread, or nah?” Satan said. “Nah.” the Son of God replied. The devil shrugged and danced while waving glow sticks in a figure eight pattern, as Jesus could have sworn all of his senses were heightened to a whole new level. Later on, one of the twelve disciples reported that Jesus never actually made it to the desert, but instead sat on the edge of a forest and held down a large stick in fear that “it will surely float away.” Jesus held the branch for forty minutes.
jugs filled with water. Jesus walked over to the jugs, kissed both of his biceps and winked at one of the bridesmaids. He then shot a middle finger towards the jugs of water, thusly turning the liquid into wine. “Boom…” Jesus whispered into the face of his annoying mother. Many scholars believe this was the first miracle of seven that Jesus performed to prove he was the Son of God, but in fact it was just merely the first one of that day. Later on during the wedding, he also converted some of the loaves of bread into tightly rolled joints, a violin into a boom box that strictly played dub-step, and he magically converted one of the palace columns into a skinny metal pole that the female servants could dance on. Jesus Gets the Munchies in Front of 5,000 People On their way to John the Baptist’s funeral, Jesus and the disciples cut the edge with five ounces of Bethsaida’s finest green. Soon a crowd of 5,000 people gathered from nearby towns and followed Jesus during the majority of his trek. It wasn’t long before Jesus started asking people for anything “fried or covered in chocolate.”
The Rage-fest at Cana Jesus and his “bro-sciples” attended a wedding at Cana in Galilee with the sole purpose of getting drunk and putting out some vibes towards the bridesmaids. During the reception, Jesus worked on the holiest of buzzes when suddenly his frantic mother came to him:
“We have only five loaves here and two fish,” the disciples said.
“They have no wine!” Mary said.
Sensing the tension surrounding him, Jesus told his disciples, “Big deal if their hungry, I fasted for forty days and nights once.”
Jesus averted his mother’s eyes and leaned back against a pillar. “Bitch, this don’t concern me yet,” Jesus said. After polishing off his glass of wine, plus the remaining drinks that the disciples were planning on consuming, Jesus decided to take action. Under the Messiah’s instructions, servants of the wedding gathered a bunch of
“Bring them here to me,” Jesus said. The disciples and the large crowd licked their lips in anticipation in hopes for a Jesus miracle. Instead, Jesus took the remaining food, sat on the ground, and ate it all in one sitting as every bystander watched.
“No Jesus,” Matthew said, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose, “no you didn’t.” Jesus Raises the Dead Lazarus from His Comfy-Ass Tomb During a chill afternoon, a messenger delivered bad news to Jesus about his friend Lazarus. The message came from Lazarus’ two sisters, Martha and Mary, and informed Jesus that Lazy L is ill. “Righteous,” Jesus said, but then it was explained to him that in this case “ill” meant that Lazarus was dying. Two days later Jesus decided to visit his sick friend. The disciples tried to warn Jesus about the dangers of returning to Judea, but all he heard were the words “Jews love to get stoned.” “Hell yeah, let’s get going,” Jesus said, “and grab one of those jugs of water so we can blast off along the way.” Jesus and his “Holy Thugs” arrived in Bethany shortly after and drunkenly made their way to Martha and Mary’s house. The two sisters were engulfed in grief when Jesus arrived, so he did what any Messiah would do; he turned a loaf of bread into a spliff the size of a baby’s forearm and lit it up. A few puff-puff-passes later, the room started to spin and the sisters kept on bitching about their dead brother. Jesus stood and demanded to be shown to Lazarus’ tomb. Upon arriving at a cave, a stone was removed that blocked the entrance and Jesus yelled:
“Lazarus, get the fuck out!” A confused Lazarus came stumbling out of the tomb and Jesus pushed past him mumbling something along the lines of “I’m cross-fading pretty hard right now.” Jesus slept in the tomb for the next twelve hours. The Hydro Supper For Passover, Jesus and his posse got together at a house in the city for some late night grub. To spice up the night, Jesus made a bong out of a bread bowl so he and the twelve disciples could “get lifted to a whole new spiritual level.” Before they ate, Jesus addressed the group and said “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” Everyone seated at the table subtly looked towards Judas who had supplied the weed but refused to smoke it because of an upcoming “drug test.” Before an inquiry or accusation could be proclaimed, Jesus jumped up from the table and exhaled a cloud of dank smoke. “Oh shit, are the cops outside?!” Jesus said. The twelve disciples calmed Jesus down and reassured him that neither the cops, nor his parents, were sitting outside in the driveway. The final supper came to an abrupt stop after Jesus claimed the bread to be his body and the wine to be of his blood and insisted everyone to “fucking eat him.” “Damn, Judas, what kind of haze did you bring?” Matthew said, as he tried to coach Jesus out from under the table. The Pass-Out and Resurrection of Jesus Christ A week later, in the city of Golgotha, the eleven remaining disciples looked up at Jesus as he hung limply on a cross. All twelve men shook their heads in disbelief as they reflected on the sad sight before them. Bartholomew was the first to speak. “My God, he’s passed out again,” he said. “I love him, but dis dude can NOT handle his weed,” Thomas said. The disciples lowered their passed-out messiah off of the cross and elected to find a cave for him to sleep in, noting their leader’s previous affinity towards napping in tombs. Three days later, Jesus awoke with massive cravings for potato chips dipped in a milkshake and tried to release himself from the tomb with no avail. Soon an angel descended from heaven, broke the stone blocking the tomb, and let Jesus out. The angel informed Jesus that his father was “getting ready to dish out the ass-whooping of a lifetime” and that he’d better say goodbye to his “hood-rat” friends. Jesus ascended to heaven forty days after his wicked blackout in Golgotha, leaving his teachings to his eleven trusted disciples. The group tried to spread the Son of God’s message, but was met with a lot of skepticism. Mainly due to their reputation as being burnt out potheads who traveled around the Middle East in a blurry haze.
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Relationship Status: In a relationship Favorite Drink: Jager
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Favorite Shot: Jager Disgusting Drink: Any alcohol and milk. What fictional bar patron do you most want to stop by this joint?: Snoopy What’s the last thing you think before you have to cut someone off?: “Are they gonna punch me?”
ROCKSTAR
Bar motto, five words or less: Good people, good times. Give us an original swear word substitute: Pluck, as in fuck. What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve seen in real life?: A woman giving labor, I watched the head pop out.
OF THE WEEK
Would you rather be caught eating a booger or smelling your own fart?: Eat a booger. If you had to have elephantiasis of something, you’d have elephantiasis of…: The boobs.
Allison of Timothy’s
DRINKING GAME Summer Festival Countdown If you’re like us, you’ve definitely had enough of school now to the point where you’re ready to admit that, this summer, you may have absolutely nothing going on job-wise, but there’s always festival season! To defend your $300 investment on standing in sweltering crowds of several thousands, cheer yourself up with this pre-game to the pre-game of your festival. What You’ll Need: The group of friends you’ll be concert-going/camping/drunkenly hooking up with for the summer, a computer or smartphone, and a matching Spotify playlist (optional) Number of Players: If you’re planning on heading to a festival alone, you probably already have your drinking plans set up for tonight … and tomorrow … and the rest of the weekend … Level of Intoxication: “Hey, these guys actually aren’t that bad! We should totally miss Outkast for them.” How to Play: Navigate your web browser to whatever festival you blew your parent’s money on this year. Make sure that the entire lineup is showing, not just headliners or “day-by-by” schedules. Starting at the top of the lineup, take a drink whenever one of the below criteria is met:
- There is a band making a “comeback.” - A band your parents saw back in the 80s is on the bill. - Any EDM artist surfaces – no exceptions. - A pop-punk band from your middle school days shows up out of nowhere. - A rapper who’s serious, hard-hitting lyrics about overcoming the struggles living in an awful neighborhood are found “most relatable” to affluent college kids shows up. - A band whose radio-abused single is on the tip of your tongue, but you just can’t name it comes up. - Anyone you haven’t the slightest clue about is on the bill (treat this as the finale). Everyone drinks when: - The phrase “God, this year’s lineup is so good” comes up. - The phrase “Hm … I mean, it’s no 2013, but it’s a solid lineup, right?” comes up. - The phrase “Holy shit, this lineup is fucking awful” inevitably comes up. Game Ends When: You’re either excessively excited for the festival or morally outraged at impulse buying.
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How are we going to get out of this mess?: Eat, drink and be merry.
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LERNER SCHOOL OF BUSINESS ADDS
“CRACK MANUFACTURING AND MARKETING” MAJOR PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS Starting in the Fall 2014 semester, the Lerner School of Business and Economics will offer a degree in crack manufacturing and marketing. The program, the first of its kind, was developed in response to increasing demand for specialized degrees as well as a noted uptick in narcotics sales.
The program has a similar structure to the hospitality and management major.
Students are eager to take classes in the new department.
The project is headed by future professor Reginald Watkins, who boasts an extensive career in business administration and crack dealing. Watkins, an alumnus of both UD and the Bloods, was hired for his experience - which is mostly speculative due to a federal investigation.
“Yeah, I just called up some friends from Philly to see if they were out of prison and if they could teach. I worked as a dancer to put myself through grad school, and I got pretty deep into that scene. You don’t want to know some things I did just because a man named Enrico would pay me a grand to not tell anyone. That could get me next month’s rent, or pay for a summer course. Chances are I wouldn’t remember it in the morning anyway” said Harker. “I’m just glad to bring these opportunities to UD.”
“I always wanted to be in the business,” says freshman Will Ford. “When I was growing up, I’d watch shows like The Apprentice and Shark Tank, and it all really interested me. But I just started watching The Wire and I’ve got to say, this field seems so much more fun.”
The new program draws inspiration from the Larry Hoover School of Illicit Business at the University of Michigan, whose new education model has led both the city’s economy and crime rate to flourish despite the deep recession.
The program is quick to boast its interdisciplinary possibilities. Cross-listed classes with UD’s esteemed chemical engineering program are currently in development, and criminal justice courses are still in their early talks.
“I’m really happy we were able to make a crack program happen,” said President Harker, who was instrumental to its proposal and founding. “When I was dean of the Wharton School of Business, I tried to implement a similar program, but the administration never went for it. We were in Philadelphia, too. Prime location.”
While some cross-disciplinary efforts are being put in to practice, others have been unsuccessful. Black American studies professors met a dual degree proposal with extreme hostility and threats of resignation, calling it “a disgrace to education” and “a gross insult to us and our field,” although it is still unclear why.
“I was lying on the floor of a stranger’s apartment covered in shaving cream and glitter when I met Reggie,” shared druglord/accountant professor Miles West. “He said, ‘You don’t want to live this life. Come with me. I can change this for you.’ He took me under his wing and we made ourselves rich. He cooked and I worked the books. He was on the corner and I was in the office. I drove, and he shot out the passenger window. I’m so glad he’s going to teach here.” Other faculty members are not happy about the new major. “The development of this degree program is indicative of the deterioration of American academia. The lack of preparation for the future working world is appalling.
We should be focusing on other drugs. Hydroponic cannabis farming is a much more profitable focus for these students,” said plant and soil sciences professor Sarah Wu. “What about methematics? There is so much to study.” “Reggie got the call and we put a team together. Jay was free. Omar just got his degree. He’s going to have the honorary chair as the Whitney Houston Professor of Narconomics. Meech is going to be an adjunct, when he gets out in two years. Louie’s dead. Phoebe’s dead. God bless,” added Harker as he poured some of his
water bottle onto the floor of his office. The major features numerous field trips to Baltimore and Philadelphia, as well as this one warehouse in uptown Wilmington. UD, ready to boast its study abroad opportunities, has already set up trips to Colombia and Thailand. On a final note, Harker added “Never before has education and ignorance blended together so effectively. I feel students are really going to enjoy studying crack. I know I did. In more ways than one, it’s really addicting.”
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Girl With 100+ Instagram Likes Soon to Have Work Display at the Met
Sorority Girls Declare Bankruptcy After Big/Little Week Steph Miller wrote this
Tia Hill wrote this University of Delaware student Sierra Hawkins was recently notified by the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City that her work would be displayed there after her Instagram reached 100 likes. “The moment I hit 100 likes, I knew I was gonna make it big,” said Hawkins, who has over 400 followers on the social media application. “If you get less than 100 likes on your Instagram picture, you’re basically the human equivalent of a photo without a filter on it. Bland and going nowhere.” The picture was of a Starbucks frappucino with multiple filters and the caption “Love” with a heart emoji. It reached 100 likes within a matter of twelve hours. “If you don’t take a picture with your friends every time you guys hang out, did you even do anything? No. You didn’t. And I take that idea and I run with it and make art and, well…I don’t expect you to understand,” Hawkins said in
an interview. Museum officials reportedly chose Hawkins because her Starbucks picture “was like nothing [they’ve] ever seen before”. Many view the photo as a groundbreaking, heartfelt, and original testimony to art. “We were fascinated by her work and by how abstract all her pictures are. We’re considering a whole gallery of her work. The fact that she can capture the spirit of art in a simple picture of her legs in a
bathtub filled with suds. Hotdogs or legs? It’s neither. It’s art.” “I’m literally considering literally naming one of my kids Selfie and the other one Sunday just so my Instagram legacy can live on,” said Hawkins when asked if she thinks her work would be studied in the future. In the middle of a speech at the opening of her exhibit, Hawkins reportedly said, “But first…let me take a selfie.”
Members of Alpha Sigma Sigma declared bankruptcy following Big/Little Week, the most recent indication that members of Greek life do not understand the term “budget.” What were previously deemed harmless displays of affection turned extreme, reports The Sorority Weekly, as Bigs competed to impress Littles and lure them into sorority life forever. Now, they’re not only emptying their parents’ bank accounts, but their own as well. “Daddy pays for everything, so he bought the t-shirts and streamers. But I wanted to be the very best Big EVER,” Alpha Sigma Sigma member Jessica “Pussycat” Pails told The
Black Sheep, “so Daddy spent his life savings on a new car!” Then things took a turn for the not-so-fabulous: “Daddy’s now broke, so I had to buy all the balloons myself. I only bought 5,369, but now I’m totally out of cash. I haven’t eaten in three days, but I’ll look awesome at tonight’s mixer!” Pails continued. The trend to go bigger and better has pushed Bigs to the breaking point. Heather Burnley, another A.S.S. member, is repeating her senior year after missing three tests to decorate her Little’s room. “I don’t care about classes, I’m a MRS major,” Burnley admitted. “It’s tuition. I spent everything on my
super precious Little’s first house. How SO perfect, right? But I guess I’ll just work the corner for a few months - that’s what Pretty Woman taught meworks.” Ashley Wigan, A.S.S. president, is also declaring bankruptcy after buying her Little an island off the coast of Argentina. “What the hell do you mean bankruptcy doesn’t get rid of student loans?!” she screamed when told how America works. It is unclear whether new spending rules will be imposed. Alpha Sigma Sigma will reportedly be holding discussing the issue at a private location near Argentina.
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THAT KID WHO RIDES SCOOTER TO CLASS
TO SCOOT ACROSS AMERICA CAROLYN BEATTY WROTE THIS
UD student Mike Schafer has long been preparing for the moment that his scooter became a cool topic of conversation. On May 24, Schafer will participate in “Race Across America,” sponsored by the American Scooting Society. “I’ve been prepping for it for a while now, ya know?” Schafer said. “Like, probably my whole life.” Schafer was born on June 16, most popularly known as National Scooter Day. He was given his first Razor scooter as a gift for his second birthday to help him better commute to his local preschool. “From that moment on, I knew he was born to scoot” said loving and overly-supportive mother Linda Schafer. “I never got a license,” admitted Schafer. “Heck, I’m lucky I even know how to walk! I have literally just scooted everywhere for as long as I can remember, so I figured this race was pretty much made for me.” Schafer has often been seen by his collegiate peers in between classes scooting down the University of Delaware’s most famous spot, The Green. No rain, snow, sleet, or hail prevents him from using his preferred method of travel. “Yeah, it snowed a lot this winter,” explained Schafer. “I mean, A LOT. It got hard at times, but I knew that giving up on Trudy would pretty much mean starting my life over. How am I supposed to figure out who I am as an individual now? Trudy is everything to me. She makes me feel whole. Oh yeah, Trudy is the name of my scooter.” After asking other UD students about their thoughts on Schafer and this incredibly famous race, The Black Sheep was shocked to learn that Schafer’s peers do not support of his endeavors.
“Is he the guy I always see on a Razor scooter on campus?” inquired freshman Alyssa Masterson. “I’ve been wondering why he would choose to scoot to class. It never made sense to me until now. But honestly, it’s still kind of weird.” “I’ve been at this school for almost six years now, and I’ve never seen anything like it,” commented super-super senior Brian Morrissey. “Come on, bro. Man up! Invest in a longboard or bike or something. Seriously, buy anything besides a freakin’ scooter!” Schafer admitted to often noticing some unusual prolonged stares from other students as he scooted to class, but did not realize that they were looks of confusion. “I’ve always thought of myself as a campus celebrity, so it made sense that everyone would want to look at me as much as possible,” Schafer commented. “It really hurt my feelings to find out that people didn’t think of me on the same level of cool as the Techno Bus Driver. But if I win this thing, that will all change.” Of the more than twenty participants currently training for the event, Schafer has high hopes of taking home the first place prize, a whopping two hundred dollars. “It’s been a pretty long journey so far just to get to where I am, and the real journey hasn’t even started yet. But I really think that I have a fair chance at winning that prize. I mean, could you imagine? Two hundred dollars all to myself!? I could buy a new scooter with LIGHT UP WHEELS.” Schafer’s brave and inspirational story will be making national headlines as the race rapidly approaches. To keep up on Schafer and the race, follow him on Twitter @ScooterDiva.
When you got to your destination, the first thing you did was… - take a friggin’ leak. - masturbate. - buy some damn Fritos. - do some yoga.
It’s pimped out with… - like, 100 televisions - stripper poles - plush, cheetah carpeting - disco balls and the mini fridge is loaded with… - strawberries - canned cat food - Patron - 11-year aged Wisconsin cheddar
WIth your very best friend… - Kitty Pryde - Miley Cyrus - Taylor Momsen - Michelle Obama and her new boyfriend… - Jeff Garlin - Prince Harry - Carson Daly - Vladimir Putin
The second thing you did was… - get mad wasted. - Instagram some scenic views. - smoke a joint. - look for the nearest strip club.
The only bummer is… - there’s no gas in the tank. - you forgot your cell phone charger. - the vehicle is loud as hell. - you forgot a lighter.
The sick whip of choice is… - An old-school RV - A 2014 Ford Escape - A Boeing 757 - A Chevy Astrovan
oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.
You’re going on a trip to… - Seattle - Los Angeles - Tuscon - Omaha
the m.a.s.h.