Volume 7
The Black Sheep
Fre e! L at y ike dr our ied Gra out ndm can a’s h dy co ous rn e.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 5
REDDING CELEBRATES
FIRST EVER THREE-WAY Paul Mooney wrote this At 12:48 a.m., Saturday, October 18th, reports confirm the first ever ménage a trois was performed in Louis L. Redding Hall room 371, with freshmen Stephen Hirschfeld, Stacy Wallace, and Heather Robinson. The residence hall is currently in its second year of operation. The participants are all currently in their eighteenth year of operation. Immediately following the conclusion of the event, the traditional groundbreaking ceremony that occurs at every first dorm three-way commenced. The door to Wallace’s room burst open and a shower of glitter and confetti poured down onto the floor. A lectern was carried in and President Harker entered, joined by Provost Domenico Grasso. “Dare to be first!” he bellowed over the surprisingly loud speaker system used for the event. “Students, lovers,” he said, addressing the three students, “you have brought new meaning to the term ‘3@UD.’ A lot of people dare to be first, but you have dared to be first in a way other people have not dared to be, and dared to do that first. One of you also dared to ask the other two to have a three-way, and that requires some serious cojones.” Following President Harker’s ensuing twenty minute speech, the rest of the celebrations were in order. Sources say the UD Marching Band filled the hallways of
the dorm and surrounded the bed, playing a fast, swinging arrangement of “Let’s Get it On” by Marvin Gaye in a medley with “Afternoon Delight.” Hirschfeld’s parents, Ari and Golde Hirschfeld, next approached the lectern and addressed the assembled crowd. “We are so proud of our boy for finding not one, but two nice young girls,” said Mrs. Hirschfeld. “We were so worried he wouldn’t make friends, since that’s always been an issue. He’s shy, and he’s not very athletic, but he’s been good about his inhaler and he isn’t eating as much gluten. Jordi, are they Jewish?” The air wafted with new beginnings and the smell of post-bang funk as family, friends, and friends with benefits were joined together in the wonderful celebration of life and finally being able to cross “three-way” off their bucket lists. The climax of the massive ceremony was the introduction of the all-time record holder for three-ways at UD, Vice President Joe Biden. “I would like to congratulate the three of you for such a historic event,” said Biden. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had a three-way at the University of Delaware. It’s been, like, six months.” “I want to thank you and offer you praise for breaking this ground,” he continued. “This will live on, not only by every person who has to sleep on that mattress after you, but everyone in the hall who can now
feel extra inadequate about their sex life. Good luck with your future three-ways. Seriously, good luck. You’ll need it,” he added, before leaving with Mr. and Mrs. Hirschfeld to perform the second ever three-way in Redding Hall.
The ceremony concluded with blue and gold condom balloons being released, as well as three white doves, which immediately panicked at their inability to escape and started attacking and pecking at everyone in the room. After their removal,
a large banner that read “Dare To Be First” was hung in the doorway. One that read “Dare To Come Last” was hung immediately under it.
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GIRL EXPRESSES ORIGINALITY AT FRAT PARTY BY DRESSING AS SLUTTY CAT
TOP 10: LAST-MINUTE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
MOVIES MONSTERS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
SHE REALLY WENT OUT ON A LIMB WITH HER INNOVATION.
IF YOU LIKE TO PROCRASTINATE LIKE WE DO, YOU’LL ENJOY THESE 10 COSTUME IDEAS.
WE OFFER SOME CLOSURE TO THOSE THAT’VE SUFFERED FROM THESE SCARY MONSTERS.
FOLLOW US @THEBLACKSHEEP_UD OCTOBER 23rd, 2014 - NOVEMBER 5th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Shannon Poulsen
STREET TEAM MANAGER Ryan Olsen
EDITORIAL MANAGER Matt Roarty
CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham
ADVERTISING MANAGER Cecelia Tefft
OWNER Atish Doshi
WRITERS Carolyn Beatty, Russel Kogan Shiv Patel, Tia Hill, Katie Wall Paul Mooney, Kelly Farrell Sean McBride, Steph Miller
FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Emily Nelson
QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com
SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Gwen Clarke
ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900 DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
FOLLOW US! @THEBLACKSHEEP_UD • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM ONE KILLER PARTY
FRIDAY OCTOBER 31ST Costume Party
Winners at 9pm, 10pm and 11pm for $100 gift cards
crowd favorite
Announced at Midnight for a trip to
las vegas
45 E Main St, Newark, DE 19711 (302) 224-9330
PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?
THE BIG EARED MIDGET
TO KILL SOME TIME.
BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
“WHAT HAPPENED TO MY POPSICLE?”
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
WORD of the WEEK TRANSPOORTATION Any method of getting from point A to point B that requires the participant to do more than walk to his or her car. Recoiling in horror when his car didn’t start, Monty realized he’d have to take some sort of transpoortation to get to class.
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
An ambassador for the Starlight Children’s Foundation.
2
Made acting debut as Young Deb in Drop Dead Diva.
3
Has appeared in music videos by Sia, Alexx Calise and Todrick Hall.
# # #
PLAY WITH US! @THEBLACKSHEEP_UD
PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
AROUND CAMPUS
Girl Expresses Originality at Frat Party By Dressing As Slutty Cat Tia Hill wrote this
Sorority girl Hayden Britt expressed her individuality at a costume party last weekend by breaking out of the mold and showing up dressed as a slutty cat, an outfit which Hayden described as “underrated and representative of how I feel inside.” “I wanted people to know more about me other than just the fact that I’m super-hot, wear eight layers of makeup every day, and suddenly have the voice of Mariah Carey while drunk. I wanted people to know that I also care about animal rights,” explained Hayden, the proud owner of two cats. Hayden, who since this incident is described as “quirky” and a “pioneer” by her friends, says she found inspiration for the costume after watching her pregnant cat give birth to a litter of kittens, which she deemed “so in style.” “I’m not like most girls,” Hayden expressed confidently. “And I needed to show everyone that I’m different by dressing in such an outlandish outfit. I mean, cat ears? On a girl? At a party? I’m the Christopher
Columbus of costume ideas.” Hayden, whose fashion merchandising major has made her an expert in the field of original costume ideas, said that she got a good reception from those in attendance at the party. Upon her arrival, a few people even broke out into applause.
a party. She conducted extensive research about the mysterious animal “the cat” and how she could work to make it “slutty.”
“She walked in and I was, like, in shock that she wasn’t afraid to be herself,” commented one party attendee, who has worn her Risky Business costume every day for a month straight. “A cat—that’s just so…inspirational.”
“I’m one of those people who needs to find validity based on the opinions of others, and what better way to do that than to try amazingly hard to impress a bunch of strangers in a basement?” rationalized Hayden.“So naturally I’ve been planning this one outfit since March, and I’ve spent hours researching things about cats. At one point my search history was all things like ‘do cats have ears’ and ‘parts of cat’ to make my costume as realistic as possible.”
One onlooker—who has used the same devil costume since she was eight— remarked, “it’s truly something that’s never been done before. I mean, I’ve thought about being a slutty grasshopper or something like that but a cat? Now that takes some balls; that girl has spunk.”
Many of Hayden’s peers were amazed at this research, considering a simple Google search of “most popular costumes” or “easiest costumes to make me look attractive to the opposite sex for once in my life” both tend to yield promising candidates for a costume.
Unlike most college students, Hayden’s costume was not simply thrown together at the last minute, conjured amidst a drunken haze two hours before the start of
“I once dressed up as a ketchup bottle because it said online that most girls are really into tomatoes on salads and I wanted to be a better version of that,”
Welcome Back Students!
COLLEGE NIGHT Every Tuesday | All Day, All Night
$2 Single YOU-CALL-ITS* 10 Cover Charge |
$
FREE Admission with UD I.D.
*Certain restrictions may apply. Valid at Grotto Pizza, Main Street only.
Thursdays with DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy & Vodka Drinks
$3 Blue Moon Pints
| $3 Coors Light 25oz Big Beers
Bar/Bar area only.
302.369.2200 | 45 East Main Street | Grotto Pizza.com |
commented one of Hayden’s admirers on the subject of acceptable costumes.
With her next costume Hayden hopes to show her appreciation for other cultures by dressing up as a Mexican.
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
East Delaware Crossing Guard Imagines Impact of Letting a Few Cars Slip Sean McBride Wrote This
Michael went further to express his contempt with East Delaware. “Sometimes, there is the UDairy truck that just totally steals my mojo. Before that truck came, people were like, ‘oh my god, look how cool that crossing guard is.’ But now it’s, ‘oh my god, I hope they have pumpkin ice cream.’
Matt Roarty wrote this
Despite the fact that it’s 2:30 a.m. and all the beer is gone, sources say everyone is still in my house and they won’t leave.
After years of underappreciated work as the crossing guard on East Delaware Avenue, whose work consists mainly of safely ensuring the passage of the many students walking through the Green, reports say John Michael has “had it up to here with it,” and wonders “what would really be wrong with letting nature takes its course?” “You know, when you get certified as a crossing guard, you imagine helping old people cross the street or blowing your whistle when the street lights randomly go out,” said Michael. “You don’t imagine ungrateful college students ignoring you. I mean really, sometimes I just imagine telling a couple cars to pass just to see how many in the crowd would die. That would make these students grateful.”
WHY WON’T EVERYONE LEAVE MY PARTY? Attempts to wind down the party by playing progressively mellower music have no effect, I’ve learned, and it turns out that – given enough alcohol and sleep-deprived delirium – people will turn a Bon Iver song into an uplifting sing-along instead of the mood killer it is intended to be. I even tried a 17-minute long, down-tempo violin piece, but in what residents are calling “such fucking bullshit,” the partygoers somehow kept partying throughout. Reports confirm that most of the people I know have already left and it’s just randos, presumably in dread over the prospect of being alone, left adrift to wander through the night and being forced to confront themselves about who they really are, and who tracked in an insane amount of leaves. Seriously, sources indicate, the floor of my apartment is like half leaves.
“I wonder how good the pumpkin ice cream tastes when you’re dead.” Sources close to Michael say that he remains conflicted over his next course of action, with the crossing guard reportedly saying, “I made one of those pro/con charts for it. On the con side I have jail, moral anguish, possible damnation, etc. But on the pro side, all I have is ‘that cooper smell that blood has which whispers revenge.’ I just can’t make up my mind.” “Maybe I’ll work at the DMV instead,” concluded Michael. “It seems like people really respect them.”
YOU SHOULD
CALL YOUR GRANDMA Your Grandma Wrote This
Those with knowledge of the event say the remaining partygoers are also the sort of people who think it makes sense to take my 20-ounce double IPA out of my fridge as if I bought $10 beers for everyone. Following a night of festivities that is sure to go on too long – and, indeed, already has – the owners of the residence reportedly can’t wait to clean up the bathroom because holy shit why is there so much toilet paper all over the ground Jesus fucking Christ and there was already a roll out too, why did you open another one.
To my Dearest Sweet Angel, It’s me, your Grandma. It has been too long since I had the pleasure of talking to my favorite grandbaby. I ask that you please call me using your telephone, or at the least send me a texting message with your mobile telephone. I understand that you must be very busy. You are very talented and very special, and I’m sure that you are the shining star of your college. You make me such a proud Grandma. That being said, Grandma needs to see a little more effort on your side, shnookie. I can see my little cupcake hero slipping away from Grandma. You’re all moved out, you give all of your precious company to your new friends, and you think that you’re too mature to spend time talking to your loving Grammy. But let me tell you something sugarpie, Grandma can’t be waiting around for your call forever. You think to yourself, “Oh of course I’ll call Grandma! She is the reason I’m alive on this Earth, after all. But I’m sure she won’t mind if I wait until I get ‘turt around’ with my friends tonight!” Well those little procrastinations turn into a buildup of neglect and for all you know Grandma has spent three days on the floor unable to get up. I’m not spending my money on Life Alert when I’ve got a grandbaby paid for by the fruits of my womb. You’re a charming and wonderful little grandbaby, and it’s no wonder that you made so many friends in your lovely school. Since you were small, I knew that a day would come when some ragamuffins came by to steal my sweet darling away, but just remember when you’re smiling with your friends that I paid a shiny penny to
get some braces on those teeth to straighten them out. Grandma was your friend even when your teeth were as crooked as President Nixon. I don’t see your bright smiling face as much as I would like to, and I miss the days when you would come running through my door for visits. These days the only visits that I pay are to the podiatrist for a toenail trimming and general check-up. I want you to understand that this is the highlight of my week. I also want to make sure that you know that a telephone call from my bundle of sunshine would take the cake from Dr. Rothburg in a heartbeat. Think about that the next time you choose to view your TV laptop instead of calling your Grandma. What I mean to say is that I miss you, and that I will always be very happy to hear how much you’re doing in school, and to know that you’re safe and happy. It’s nice having someone to talk to that doesn’t drool or dust the air with old food crumbs with every syllable. I’m talking about your Grandpa. He is my only company these days, and to be quite honest sweetheart, as of late he has not been much company. The engine just isn’t revved anymore if you can understand what I mean. I hope that this letter finds you in good spirits. I understand that my brilliant grandbaby has much to do so I won’t waste your time with anymore of my silliness. I can only imagine the wild experiences of your day and the important business that needs attending to. And I do mean imagine, as I have no other choice what with you neglecting to use your telephone device for my benefit. Love always, Grandma
05
PARTY PICS
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS Where’s the most inappropriate place you’ve been naked? JANELLE, JUNIOR “My friend’s mom’s bedroom, I had to change!”
AIDAN, SOPHOMORE “In a shower in Africa.”
LAURA ANN, SENIOR “In my mom’s womb.”
06
THE TOP TEN Last-Minute Halloween Costumes 10.) The Ebola Virus: Nothing says “I put a lot of thought into this” like a potentially offensive costume of a relevant yet horrible disease. Grab that tattered gym shirt, smear some leftover dining hall food on it, and add any other accessories to make your outfit look as ambiguously scary as possible. You’ll be getting stares all night! 9.) A “Before” Weight Loss Picture: This one requires little-to-no effort. All you have to do is be your normal slob self. If you really want to go all out, go for a second or third round at the dining hall and wear unflattering clothing to accentuate that muffin top you’ve been working on all year. 8.) A Werewolf Waiting For a Full Moon: You would have ordered that $300 wolf pelt, fake blood, colored contacts, and fang implants, but a quick Google search revealed that the full moon isn’t coming until weeks after Halloween. A t-shirt and jeans will do just fine.
7.) An All-Grown-Up Dumpster Baby: Years of malnutrition and isolation from society have shaped you into the beautiful person you are today. You have lots of room to be creative with this one. You can basically do anything as long as it screams “What the fuck?” If you really want to play the part, you can occasionally scream that too. 6.) The One Person BuzzFeed Just Doesn’t Seem To Understand: Legend has it that there is someone out there who isn’t at all fazed by BuzzFeed’s crack-like article titles. BuzzFeed authors have tried time and again to reach “it,” but it seems to have an incredibly obscure niche. For this costume, just be as weird and hipster-y as humanly possible. 5.) The Poop Emoji: Dressing up as the world’s most popular emoji is sure to make you lots of new friends. Wear the brownest outfit you have and top it off with a brown hat. Show your dedication to the role by farting a lot and not showering. 4.) Today’s Unrealistic Standard of Beauty: Make a statement by caking your face in make-up and wearing what society considers a “slutty” outfit. The only way to bring those evil Photoshopobsessed media lords down is to show people what the media wants you to be. 3.) An Alcoholic: For this one, just buy a bottle of Burnett’s, think about your ex, and before you know it, you’ll be in costume! This costume is especially great because you can pair it with any other costume— you can be a werewolf alcoholic or even a poop emoji alcoholic. 2.) Undercover Cop: The thing about undercover cops is that they blend in with their surroundings. Quick—look behind you! That guy’s an undercover cop. So if 20,000 students dressed in costume doesn’t tip you off and you forget it’s Halloween, just say you’re an undercover cop. We’re sure people will kindly welcome you into their parties. 1.) The Child Your Parents Were Hoping For: According to Mom and Dad, you were supposed to be a Harvard graduate/astronaut/billionaire entrepreneur at this point. You’re actually just an average student whose pillow is covered in Dorito crumbs and spilled beer. For the costume, just steal your rich friend’s clothing. This one pairs great with the alcoholic costume! Russel Kogan wrote this
The Bar Grid Happy Hour! Monday-Friday 3-7PM $3 & $5 Food Specials $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria
Halloween Party on 10/26! Chorduroy Live! Costume Contests w/ Prizes!
FRIDAY! $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
All You Can Eat Wings (5PM - close) $2 Rail Drinks (all day) 1/2 Price Burgers 11:30am-3pm, House Music w/ DJ Andrew Hugh
DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy and Vodka, $3 Blue Moon Pints, $3 25oz Coors Lights $4 Tall Svedkas
$5 All Bombs, All Day, Everyday Live Bands!
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
SATURDAY
Brunch 11-4PM: $3 Mimosa’s $5 Bloody Mary’s/Maria’s 9-Close: $5 Fireball Shot & Draft Beer $5, $3 Infusion Shots and $2.50 Empanadas
Brunch 10am-2pm, $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar $3 Captain Morgan Drinks, All Day, Everyday Live Local Music! No Cover (w/ student ID)
$3 Big Miller Lites College Football
SUNDAY
Brunch 11-4PM $3 Mimosa’s $5 Bloody Mary’s/Maria’s $1 Off ALL BEERS during NFL Games
Sunday Funday w/ Brunch (9AM-2PM) $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar Chorduroy Live, No Cover
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
MONDAY
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria $3 & $5 Food Specials MNF: 8PM-Close: $2 Drafts
1/2 Price Appetizers 5pm-Close, $5 Off Big Beer Bottles Showtime Trivia at 8:30PM
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Leinenkugel Pints
TUESDAY
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria $3 & $5 Food Specials 8PM-Close: $5 Margaritas, $18 Pitchers of Sangria
$4 Double LIT’s 1/2 Price Burgers All Day Come Check Out Jefe and DJ Andrew Hugh Every Tuesday Night!
COLLEGE NIGHT! $2 Single You Call Its, $10 Cover Charge Free Admission w/ UD I.D.
WEDNESDAY
Happy Hour 3-7PM: $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria Cards Against Humanity Night: 7- Close $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks, $3 Fireball
1/2 Price Nachos and Quesadillas All Day, 1/2 Price Burgers All Day $1.50 Tacos, $3 Corona and Corona Light, $3 Margaritas, $2.50 Taylor’s Grog Draft
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
SPECIAL NIGHT THURSDAY FRIDAY
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria
9-Close: $5 Fireball Shot & Draft Beer, $3 Infusion Shots and $2.50 Empanadas
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria
9-Close: $5 Fireball Shot & Draft Beer, $3 Infusion Shots and $2.50 Empanadas
The Bar Grid One Killer Halloween Party Friday, October 31st
Happy Hour! 4-7pm Monday - Friday: $1 Off Mixed Drinks, $6 Pitchers $2 Drafts, $4 House Wines $3 Red Sangria Glasses
Best Happy Hour in Town Mon.-Sat. 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks $5 App Menu
$2.50 COORS LIGHT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!
SPECIAL NIGHT
$5 Pubwiches, $2 Rail Pints Bomb Night! $5 Bomb Drinks: Car Bombs & Irish Trash Cans DJ Dance Party (10pm)
MUG NIGHT! $2 Drafts & $3 Well Drinks (Only with Mug) $3 Purple Gatorades $3 Applesauce 4-9pm: $6 Pitchers, $2 Drafts
International Night feat. DJ Bis 9-close Drink Specials: $3 Single, $5 Double, $3.50 Corona Football Specials: $6 Medium Cheese Pizza During All NFL Games
$12 Dinner Entrees, 1/2 Priced Bottles of Wine Free Happy Hour Taco Buffet! $2.50 Coors Light
THURSDAY
Newark’s Best Happy Hour! $2 Drafts & 1/2 Price Appetizers (6pm-8pm) $3 Bartender’s Choice, $3 Flavored Pinnacle Drinks, $4 Fireball DJ Dance Party (10pm)
4-9pm: $6 Pitchers, $2 Drafts 9-Close: $3 Big Bottle Bud Lights $3 Donkey Punch, $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Royal Flush shot $3 Blue Hen Shots
Best Happy Hour in Town Mon.-Sat. 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks $5 App Menu
FREE Happy Hour Carving Station 9pm - Close: $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts, $3 Rail Drinks, Fireball Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls., $4 Captain Morgan Drinks, $5 Senor Creepy
Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar (til 3pm) EPL Soccer - Live on the Big Screen $9.99 Celtic Entrees $4 Irish Drafts, $4Jameson, $4 Red Bull Vodka, $5 Carbombs Pub Pong (8pm)
9-Close: $4 Redbull or Monster and Vodka, $4 Bomb Shots $3 Vodka Drinks $3 Green Tea Shots $3 White Gummy Bear Shots
Newark’s New Soccer Headquarters Showing All Games! 9am-2pm Brunch: Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar
Chef's Special! DJ 9pm $2.50 Coors Light
SATURDAY
Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar (til 3pm) $10.99 All You Can Eat Wings & Fries, $4 Craft Drafts, $3 Big Arse Bud Lights, $3 You Call Its
Sunday Funday All Happy Hour Specials $3 Applesauce $3 Vodka Drinks
Soccer and Brunch 9am-2pm Football Specials: $3.50 25oz. Bud Light, $17 Bud Light Tower, $6 Medium Cheese Pizza During All NFL Games Medium Cheese Pizza & 10 Wings $13.99 Large Cheese Pizza & 20 Wings $23.99
All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs for $19 $2.50 Coors Light
SUNDAY
Wing Night $0.35 Wings $3 Big Arse 22oz Yuengling $3 Captain Morgan Drinks Newark’s Best Pub Quiz Tournament (9pm-12am)
4-Close: $4 Select Craft Drafts 9-Close: $3 Chocolate Cake Shots $3 Vodka Drinks
Football Specials: $3.50 25oz. Bud Light, $17 Bud Light Tower, $6 Medium Cheese Pizza During All NFL Games Medium Cheese Pizza & 10 Wings $13.99 Large Cheese Pizza & 20 Wings $23.99
$6 Nacho Night! Seafood, Taco, Supreme, Chicken or Pulled Pork $2.50 Coors Light
MONDAY
Burger Night! $5 1/2 burgers $3 16oz Long Island Iced Tea Pints, $4 Fireball Newark’s Famous Karaoke Dance Party (10pm)
4-9pm: $6 Pitchers, $2 Drafts 9-Close: $3 Tequila Sunrise Shots $3 Vodka Drinks
Best Happy Hour in Town Mon.-Sat. 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks $5 App Menu
$0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $2.50 Coors Light
TUESDAY
$5 Craic Nachos You Pick Monthly Special! Vote on Kildare’s Newark Media Outlets Dart League
4-Close: $4 Glasses House Wine 9-Close: $3 Chocolate Cake Shots $3 Vodka Drinks
Yeungs & Wings 5-close $0.49 Traditional, $0.59 Breaded $2 Yuengling Pints
Half-Price Burgers
WEDNESDAY
Costume Party: Winners at 9pm, 10pm, and 11pm for $100 gift cards Crowd Favorite annouced at Midnight for a trip to Las Vegas!
College Night!
FRIDAY
We’ve all been there: it’s time for bed, the nightlight in the hall has mysteriously gone out, you don’t dare let your feet dangle off the bed for something might grab them, and your parents have told you for the tenth time to, “Go the hell to sleep, you’re 22-years-old.” The Black Sheep remembers, and we’ve decided to offer some closure to those that’ve suffered scary monsters. LOGAN BAILEY WROTE THIS
Oogie Boogie
Velociraptor
Damien
Claim to Fame: Constantly attempting to take over Christmas, and kill Santa Claus. Where We Last Saw Them: An empty sack lying at Jack Skellington’s feet. Where Are They Now?: Since then, Oogie has come to terms with himself, claiming abstinence from gambling as his reason for success. The former gambling addict now hosts weekly Gamblers Anonymous meetings, serving as team leader for his charter of the group. “We, uh, admit that, uh, we are powerless over gambling – whether it’s children’s lives or money – and that our lives are unmanageable… or something like that,” Mr. Boogie said about how he overcame his addiction. “This is a great, uh, program they’re running here. It’s really helped me and my, uh, issues.” He works as a janitor in Emerson Elementary in Battle Creek, Michigan.
Claim to Fame: Eating people at a theme park, battling a T-Rex, and opening doors. Where We Last Saw Them: …eating people, fighting a T-Rex, and opening doors. Where Are They Now?: With his vicious, pointy teeth and giant claws, Velociraptor has created some terrifying cinematic moments. His glory days on the silver screen behind him, everyone’s favorite raptor has since earned degrees in paleoecology, paleontology, and quantum mathematics. Now an exhibit coordinator at the Natural History Museum in Chicago, Velociraptor has made quite a living, as well as a strangely off-putting British accent. “I fear my days as an actor have tainted my species,” the non-avian doctor said, “that ignorant sod Spielberg made sure of it, dehumanizing us every chance he got.” The prehistoric creature has since vowed to reestablish his species as top-dog, signing on as a consultant for the upcoming Jurassic World. “For too long, we Theropods have been portrayed as, dare I say, primitive. Pish-posh, I say! We are some of the most impressive creatures to roam this earth! Pick a door, any door, and watch me open it!” Velociraptor is reportedly making a seven figure salary.
Claim to Fame: Being the Antichrist. Where We Last Saw Them: Holding the President’s hand, looking ominously into the camera. Where Are They Now?: Ever since his parents tried to kill him, this son of Satan has found new meaning for his life. Raised in a government halfway house, Damien Thorn has vowed to champion pro-life movements throughout the nation. “I had a very close call as an infant,” Thorn stated in recent press conference, “if I was granted the right to live by my government, then goddammit, so does every life, hell-born or not!” A steadfast Republican, the jackal-born Antichrist is a frequent contributor to Republican fundraisers and campaigns, often working as a speech-writer. He served as co-writer for the 2012 Romney presidential campaign. “I was sadly banned from joining the seminary, but I found a new calling as a writer,” Thorn said, “the lord sure works in mysterious ways.”
Count Chocula
Pennywise
Claim to Fame: A delicious chocolate breakfast food. Where We Last Saw Them: On a cereal box in October. Where Are They Now?: Living in suburban Indiana, The Count now works as a humble dental assistant. In a series of lawsuits, furious American parents—blaming their children’s rising dental bills and America’s obesity epidemic on his product—stripped Chocula of his career and dignity. Scorned, but not yet broken, Chocula continued his crusade for delicious sugary cereals, going as far as publically announcing that his family would start a diet of only his cereal for an entire year to prove its worth. Sadly, in his obsession with reclaiming his fame, his own son lost his life after losing both of his fangs from cavities brought on by the cereal. “I’ve learned my lesson,” The Count said, “I know now the error of my ways, and the deadly power of sugary cereals.”
Claim to Fame: Eating children (seeing a theme here?) Where We Last Saw Them: Battling pissed-off adults in a cave…as a giant spider-creature. Where Are They Now?: After killing an undisclosed number of children in the 1980s, Pennywise the demon clown claims his murdering days are behind him. In a stunning revelation, last year he announced he will run for governor in Maine in the November 2014 elections. “I’ve turned a new leaf,” the clown said in a televised interview, “the fact is, I know what it’s like on the other side and I’ve seen the underbelly of this state. With my help, I know we can turn the great state of Maine around!” He plans to run on a platform of “cleaning the streets,” vowing to rid neighborhoods of the inner-city youths that have really “bastardized America” and “deserve to be eaten for their crimes.”
The Creature from the Black Lagoon Claim to Fame: Kidnapping damsels in distress, taking them to his creepy lair in a swamp. Where We Last Saw Them: Sinking to the bottom of the Black Lagoon, riddled with bullets. Where Are They Now?: As the star of the sitcom, The Gillmans, Gilbert Gillman of the Black Lagoon couldn’t be happier. “Erghh-glersh, Academy Awards-gluhgersh,” the ABC star stated, and he’s probably right. After a brief, but successful stint in black and white film, Mr. Gillman drifted away from Hollywood, but of his own accord. “Erfhh-glaff, lerghh-laswah, errghy-settle down,” the star stated, “erghhin-make babies.” It wasn’t until the mid2000s that Mr. Gillman reemerged, with the continuous support of his wife, as the beloved Manny Gillman on The Gillmans, and stole the hearts of millions.
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Chem Lab Rules Are Strict To Save The World From Impending Doom Shiv Patel wrote this New reports confirm the strict lab rules are set up to save the world from certain destruction. After receiving claims from a variety of sources about strict lab rules in several classes, an investigation by The Black Sheep discovered that these techniques, many of which seem utterly arbitrary and draconian, are really, absolutely necessary for everyone’s safety.
Homback confirmed that the strict protocol for lab work was the only thing standing between society and chaos, noting that he still sweats uncontrollably whenever a student conducts an experiment. “Lab rules exist for a reason!” he yelled in his thick accent. “You laypeople cannot comprehend the importance of them!”
John Homback, one of the many foreign TAs the University of Delaware has to offer, responded to a request for comment. Hailing from the distant nation of Scotland, Homback works with a professor studying the effects of NaCl in warm water.
Homback recalled one story about a student who lifted her goggles for a millisecond to get rid of the fog inside. “While working on a computer simulation, the Macbook’s bright white light severely blinded her. If she had just worn her goggles the entire time, everything could have been prevented,” he said.
“It’s a difficult process,” he explained. “Every measurement needs to be exact and all safety procedures need to be followed. NaCl is a dangerous compound and exposure can often lead to dehydration, a condition responsible for thousands of deaths every year.”
According to Martha Granne, director of laboratory protocol for the CDC, “even the slightest change in atmospheric conditions can create a catastrophe. These earthquakes and tsunamis that have occurred in prior years could have been prevented if students followed lab safety
guidelines.” Homback mentioned that a book that contains information for all lab protocol is stored in one of the bricks that make up the Washington Monument, “like something from National Treasure, but real.” According to Professor Potadurma, whom Homback researches with, if the book falls into the wrong hands anyone would be able to break laboratory guidelines, which would then cause nuclear fallout and millions and millions of deaths all over the world. “It’s called The Framer’s Guide to Laboratory Technique and Safety,” Potadurma said. ”The author of the book was the first to discover how wearing skin-tight gloves, even when handling inert chemicals, is the sole barrier protecting us from alien invasion.” Potadurma noted more provisions of the book, including how wearing pants in lab
ensures that oceans remain calm, shoes prevent the bee population from reaching extinction, and how tied-back hair actually prevents North Korea from launching nuclear missiles at its southern neighbor. Professor Potadurma even recalled an example from when he was an undergraduate student. “I was looking at a flask of NaCl and water heating up on the burner in front of me when I noticed the temperature read 95.6°C, .01 degrees more than the
experiment needed. I had forgotten to monitor the temperature of my mixture – the cardinal rule for proper lab safety.” “I had just enough time to shout ’GET OUT NOW!’ before the building began to collapse. By the time most of us left the building, the smell of sulfur had filled the air, and the ground shook one last time before Drake Hall ceased to exist. “My girlfriend and dozens of others were buried beneath the rubble. All because of improper lab safety.”
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single • Major: Criminal justice Favorite Drink: Jack and Coke • Favorite Shot: Liquid marijuana Disgusting Drink: Jersey Turnpike If you had to go down a Slip ‘N Slide lubed with any liquor, what liquor would you choose?: Kinky vodka. Slip ‘N Slides get kinda crazy sometimes, like Kinky vodka.
karate chop doesn’t solve?: Easy answer would be no.
Do you have a message for our future robot overlords?: Just make sure there’s alcohol.
Which Taco Bell item best represents your personality, and why?: Cinammon Twist, because they’re sweet and they’ve got a twist.
What old-timely slang word do you want to bring back to the mainstream?: “Cool Cat”
MORGAN
OF THE GREENE TURTLE
THE DRINKING GAME
LOST AND FOUND Here at The Black Sheep know how rough weekend nights can get. You might end up lost on campus, running home in your underwear or – God help you – lying face down in a pile of your own shit outside of a bar. Most concerning is when you wake up the next morning without half the stuff you left with. Well, tonight we’re going to retrace our steps and find your stuff the only way we know how: get just as drunk and do it all over again. What You’ll Need: Half the items you had last night, more beer, and the ability to regain your memory. Number of Players: You and your internal compass. Level of Intoxication: Exactly the same as your previous night, one step too far and you’ll end up losing everything you have left with you. How to play: - Wake up and realize you’ve lost everything you need to survive: wallet, phone, that tiny picture of a muskrat you keep in your pocket because you think it’s too funny. - Try calling your phone from your friend’s phone like an idiot. - Actually believe you’re going to find it for a second and then lose all hope. - Get as drunk as you did last night out of self-pity. - Realize that if you’re just as drunk as you were before, then logically you must be able to retrace your steps with no problem. - End up at a bar, shaking the bouncer and yelling, “WHERE IS IT?” The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning just to realize that everything was in your pants pocket from the night before. Whoops.
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To whom do you most want to whisper, “Bathroom, five minutes.”?: Brantley Gilbert, but I want him for more than five minutes. Is there anything a good ole’ fashioned
A man wearing sunglasses at night is…: Most likely a toolbag looking for attention.
Who is your mortal enemy, and what malicious rumor would you like us to spread about them?: President Snow was a member of District 13. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s entertaining and it’s a good way to pass the time during daytime shifts.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
DRUNK NACHOS It’s that point at the night where you’ll eat anything. You’ve perused the cabinets and you’ll settle for a block of uncooked ramen if you have to, but then you see it: a bag of chips. And then you remember it: There’s a bag of cheese in the fridge. That only means one thing, bud. Drunk nachos. What You’ll Need: The will to stand next to a microwave for 45 seconds, the creativity to place cheese on a few chips. Fatty Factor: Enough cheese to choke a few times while trying to swallow the chips. Let’s Get Baked: - Grab a handful of chips and put them on the plate (it’s much easier to pour from the bag). - Refrain from eating handfuls of cheese and leave them where they are on the chips. - Shove that shit in the microwave and wait 45 seconds. - DON’T try to eat one right after taking them out, you’ll burn your tongue and kill any hope at tasting all future chips. - Get some salsa while you wait (it will also help cool off those chips). - Screw it, don’t wait any longer. Burn your mouth if you have to, they’re too good to not eat. - Lay in your pile of crumbs and total satisfaction. You did it. You made nachos. Wasn’t that better than a shitty block of ramen or a can of SpaghettiOs? If you keep using your head like that, things will be looking up for you!
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Every Single Student in Lecture Farts Simultaneously Paul Mooney wrote this In a coincidence of astronomical proportions, every single student in a MATH241 class farted at the same time on Wednesday. On 8:14 a.m., Eastern Standard Time, all 124 students, Dr. Christiaan Ketelaar, and a German Shepherd puppy were reportedly holding in an average of three bubbles of flatulence. “I’m going to lift my left cheek and let it out silently,” thought all of them at the same time. “What we have here is a completely unprecedented phenomenon of biological activity,” said University of Delaware biology professor and flatulence expert Joshua Jones. “We spend approximately fifteen seconds of every day in the process of expelling flatulent vapor, known by the scientific community as ‘Doo-Doo Stank.’ The probability of all these sets of fifteen seconds lining up so perfectly is literally a zillion to one.” Though the farts were intended to be of the “silent-but-deadly” (Bombulum silentium) species, sources say unforeseen
circumstances like fiber levels, spicy foods, and colon radii created the cacophonous uproar heard in the lecture (Bombulum magna). “Thphtbtbfffplhuhhh,” said all of the anuses in unison.
hit them. The exits became clogged as all those present tried to leave. Victims ate TicTacs by the handful. Some tried with futility to put their shirt over their nose; others simply held their breath and passed out.
Immediately following the shockwave was a brief period of silence and calm.
Those with weaker stomachs vomited, causing a chain reaction in which those with stronger stomachs projectile vomited until the aisles were flowing with throwup. Innocent students tried to escape from the putrid hell filled with shit and vomit, their feet slipping in undigested food and stomach acid, crying and vomiting, losing control of all bodily functions as they gagged and shit and cried, causing what sources confirm was the worst day of their lives as they lay in their own bodily fluids, unable to open their eyes or breathe.
“Before the toxic effect sets in, the subjects are stunned and don’t quite know how to act,” Jones said. Professor Jones researched these effects in a 2012 study in which he farted into a rubber tube that was connected to a cage of lab mice. “They all died,” he added. Following this brief period, the MATH241 class became filled with disgust as realization set in. “These students were exposed to 500,000 flatules. The standard ‘toot’ has around 600. Even the highest ‘sharts’ max out around 10,000,” Jones said. Reports indicate that students began gagging, coughing, and crying as the smell
Though there were no fatalities (commonly referred to as “fartalities”), serious olfactory damage did occur. The Counseling Center has also offered its services for any sufferers of post-traumatic stress. “Victims’ lives will undoubtedly be altered by this,” said Counseling Center therapist Joshua
Cochran. “Many of life’s simple pleasures will be lost. None of them will be able to enjoy a fart joke again, a fate that may be worse than death.” “It all happened so fast,” said victim Jennifer Case. “I was sitting in class, silently letting one go, when I heard this massive… storm,
like a bunch of angry bees. And the next thing I knew, the stench overwhelmed me and I was crawling on the ceiling and my neck was rotating in circles. The farts possessed me like a demon.” The classroom will be shut down immediately for disinfection and ventilation.
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the WEEKEND BACK HOME madlib After all the parties on ___1___ and the constant attention from the dude in my ___2___ class and the T.A. with the big ___3___ in my ___4___ class, I just needed to get away for awhile. So I borrowed my roommates ___5___ and headed back home to ___6___, to see what the young ___7___ are up to and sleep in a real bed. But when I got home, my room had been turned into something out of a ___8___-music video, and I quickly shut the door. I instantly hit-up ___9___, my old friend who I knew would have some dank ___10___ that I so suddenly needed. We met up at ___11___ and everything felt like I had never left. I told him/her about college, how I’ve drank ___12___ of flavors of Burnett’s so far and that I’ve realized ___13___ is my favorite of all shitty beers. Then, per tradition, we went to ___14___ and laughed about how we couldn’t tell if ___15___ was fat or pregnant. The next morning I woke up on the couch, with the local ___16___ news on, and my parent’s new ___17___ puppy taking a poo on the floor. I looked over and all my clothes - dirty or not - were cleaned and folded on top of my bag. I walked over to the kitchen to grab a box of ___18___ and to make a pot of coffee, which I noticed was already made. God, parents are so adult-like. I sat down and sighed at how pleasant and relaxing it was to be at home, without ___19___ on the 2nd floor screaming ___20___ lyrics at 4 a.m., or without ___21___ down the hall pounding on my door to shotgun ___22___s to ___23___ before we hit up a frat party. But I knew it was time to head back to ___24___ when I heard strange noises from inside my old bedroom. That’s when I noticed 50 Shades of Grey on the kitchen counter and thought, “Isn’t that book so two-years ago, anyway?” and remembered why I hated my antiquated town. I gathered up my clean clothes, wrote my parents a note expressing how glad I was they were enjoying being empty-nesters, and hit the open road.
CLUE BANK 1) Campus street 2) Required class 3) Body part 4) Blow-off class 5) Luxury car 6) Hometown 7) Your high school’s mascot 8) Heavy metal artist 9) High school stoner friend 10) Weed slang 11) Your old weed-smoking spot 12) Number 13) Cheap beer 14) Old munchies spot 15) Old female acquaintance 16) Basic cable channel 17) Type of dog 18) Kid cereal 19) Slutty girl 20) Pop star 21) Bro-y bro 22) Shitty beer 23) Even shittier EDM artist 24) College town
SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION KATE UPTON
MORGAN FREEMAN Kate Upton and Morgan Freeman are connected in - you guessed it - six degrees. Do you know how that’s possible? Tweet us your answers or send us the breakdown at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!