DEL SPRING ISSUE 6 by The Black Sheep

Volume 8

The Black Sheep

FRE of g E! Like oin g co the fe mm elin and g o...

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 6

VENN DIAGRAM OF CHIPOTLE, EL DIABLO, AND CAL TORT Russel Kogan wrote this

One burrito to rule them all, but which one? Newark offers three fine choices, but this handy-dandy Venn diagram should help you make a decision about what burrito is your stomach’s beau-rito. Shut up, we’re hungry.

-Doesn’t distract you with non-burrito options -Funky t-shirts & cups that really make you think about the fact that someone got paid for that -Mmmm... Pibb

-Always has a line out the door -Makes your stomach explode -Across the street from each other, making it impossible to hide your loyalties -Built with scraps from an industrial junkyard -“Black or pinto??!! Hur ry up, people are waiting!!” -Oﬀer burrito bowls, or what they call your salad to justify chargin g you more -Heat-presses the tort illas beforehand

-Occasional weird security guard at door -Choices choices choices! -¿¿QUESO?? -Cool sodas -Fish? Why fish? -They’re new, so they’re willing to do anything to please you, presumably -Outwardly Satanic

-Environmentally conscious and humane, but not enough to stop killing and selling animals -Designed like an Aztec prison -Lost a case under the Americans With Disability Act for failing to oﬀer the full “Chipotle Experience” to customers in wheelchairs -A fa -Old N vorite amo ng U ewa have t o try a rk staples, D students nythin so you g new n or cha ever llenge your s en -Secre sibilities tly Sa tanic

-Burritos ek guac on fle -Chips and iark’s 7 Mex -One of New ants can restaur for guac -Extra guap exican food -Not real M

-In Chipotle’s shadow; some say -Same side of the street -Bigger selection of products you can safely ignore while you order your burrito -Yummy sauces -Already-thought-of burrito ideas

-Plenty of empty seats -Has that “Spin the wheel for free” thing on Mondays -Oﬀers a wide variety of funky sauces you’ll never use -Picked such a bad name that everyone shortens it -Adapts to competitive markets by raising their prices -Won’t be in business by the time most of you graduate

-Oﬀers the “Burrito Elito” card, letting you know that they do not give a fuck about how Spanish works

APRIL 22ND, 2015 - MAY 5TH, 2015

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MEET THE STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Shannon Poulsen

STREET TEAM MANAGER Paul Mooney

EDITORIAL MANAGER Matt Roarty

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

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OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Tia Hill Carolyn Beatty Shiv Patel Paul Mooney Russel Kogan Katie Wall

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900 DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

MOZZARELLA STICKS | $3.50

BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP | $4.50

Served with a House-Made Marinara

Baked Golden Brown & served with Potato Chips for Dipping

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OLD BAY FRIES | $3.99

Served with a Chipotle Ranch Dipping Sauce

FAT BOY | $5.00

FRIED MAC & CHEESE BITES | $4.99 TEMPURA-BATTERED PICKLE SPEARS | $4.50

CRAZY GRILLED CHEESE | $5.00 Pepper Jack, Yellow & White Cheddar with 4 Mozzarella Sticks, served with House-Made Marinara

DEEP FRIED PB&J | $5.00

Tempura-Battered Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich, topped with a Chocolate Sauce

DEEP FRIED FLUFFER | 4.00 $

Deep Fried Peanut Butter, Fluff & Bananas, topped with a Chocolate Sauce

CHICKEN QUESO | $4.99

Monterey Jack & Cheddar Cheeses with Chicken & Fresh Pico served with a side of Sour Cream

Golden French Fries tossed in Old Bay & served with Spicy Cheese Sauce

3 Chicken Fingers, 3 Mozzarella Sticks, a hand full of French Fries & topped with Chili & a Spicy Cheese Sauce

CHILI CHEESE DOG | $5.00 A ¼ lb Hot Dog topped with French Fries, Chili, Onions, Jalapenos & Spicy Cheese Sauce

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A ¼ lb Hot Dog topped with Mac & Cheese, Bacon & a Spicy Marinara

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

COCKFLOCKED When your wingmen all help a brother out and you get mad chicks.

IVY SHERWOOD

Last night I couldn’t keep the ladies off me, man! I was cockflocked, I was banging girls all night.

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THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepﬃti and we’ll send you a prize!

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GET UP!

55% Of Graduating Seniors Conceived To “Jump Around” By House Of Pain PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Paul Mooney wrote this

A new study led by the University Of Delaware Department Of Sociology finds that over half of all undergraduates receiving their degree this May were conceived while their parents were listening to “Jump Around,” the 1992 hit by the rap group House of Pain. “Duhhhhhhh…. Duh. Duh. Duhhhhhhhh,” said the fake horns in the opening seconds of the song as Nellie and Raymond Taylor gave life to graduating public policy major Cassandra Taylor. “We’re so glad our Cassandra is graduating from UD,” said Nellie Taylor on Saturday, twentythree years later. “I’m always going to see her as the little baby Cassie who was always just the messiest eater,” Raymond added. “It was hysterical; every time she’d just put the spoon down and shoot her hand into the cup of apple sauce and it would spray everywhere,” said the man who just two decades earlier spent an entire Sunday afternoon trying to record a sex mixtape on his Walkman, but every time “Wildside” by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch came on the radio he missed the first few seconds. However, he kept the tape running when “Jump Around” came on, because he liked the part where they

say “Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!” Sandra Burroughs, mother of Frankie Burroughs, a senior graduating with a bachelor of science degree in civil engineering and a minor in sociology, said “It’s amazing to see my son in my shoes. “I remember when I was getting my civil engineering degree from UD,” she continued, recalling a plethora of fond college memories, chief among them having sex in the bathroom of a club soccer party with her future husband Arthur right as “Jump Around” came on the speakers. “Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin,” said MC Everlast over the Sony Boombox as Sandra and Arthur created their life’s proudest achievement. “I’m too drunk to put on a condom,” commented Arthur. “Whatever, it’s fine,” added Sandra. “I couldn’t have asked for a better daughter; I couldn’t have,” said father Mitchell Larimer. Growing a little misty-eyed, he added, “Just sometimes I think… because Sarah’s adopted, just the astronomical proportions of…

Welcome Back Students!

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unlikeliness that she ended up with us. And I could not be happier with everything that happened, but… what if we went to another orphanage? Or another part of China, or another country? Or if Sarah actually got pregnant, or, if we waited, even just another month? Like what were the sheer unlikely events that brought her to us?” Reports confirm those events went as follows: In the harvesting season of 1992, after a long day of rice farming in Yuanyang County, Song Kao came home to his wife, Yi Ze. She slowly poured a cup of tea and turned up the small radio they received as a wedding gift the month before. “Word to your moms, I came to drop bombs,” rapped sideman Danny Boy over the static as Kao shed his sweaty rice farming garments and

planted the seeds of his next great harvest. A few hours later, Sarah’s future freshman roommate and best friend was being forged in the flames of the back of a karaoke bar. As this happened, for the third time that night someone decided that “Jump Around” was the song that they needed to sing to perfectly express how they were feeling. As the funky fresh beat started and the slurred lyrics were spoken, the two engaged in what would be one of the best-kept secrets in the history of parenthood. This record is expected to be surpassed, however, as an estimated seventy percent of incoming freshmen were conceived to the 1996 hit “Exhale (Shoop Shoop)” by Whitney Houston.

PRO TIPS

T-Shirts To Guarantee Your 4.0 Katie Wall wrote this

When you get down to it, college is about learning. However, sometimes it just doesn’t seem like it with so many crazy other things going on. Sometimes learning gets abandoned in the damp, dark, dreary basement of your heart. Fortunately, there is a way to make sure that learning remains your top priority, and it’s as simple as a t-shirt! Here’re a few that will keep your GPA at a 4.0. A Meninist T-Shirt

T-Shirt Pretending To Be A Tuxedo

Well-Fitted Cotton Tee

Button Up With A Sweater Over It

If you’re a boy, then this t-shirt is pretty straightforward. There’s nothing more distracting from your studies than relationship drama, and a meninist t-shirt will ensure that this is one distraction that you do not need to worry about. Not only will girls refuse to enter into a relationship with you, it is likely that they will want nothing to do with you whatsoever! Neat! If you’re a girl, then this t-shirt will have a similar effect in alienating your fellow women, who will see you as desperately trying to be, “the cool girl” and will be subsequently repulsed. Now girl time can become study time!

Wear this shirt to bring your GPA up in style. You might be thinking that wearing this tee might attract hordes of unwanted suitors, but you would be wrong. Alternatively, wearing this shirt will ensure that no matter where you are, no one will be bothering you and distracting you from your studies. People will see your formal wear and assume that you are doing something of the utmost importance. They might be a little afraid, and will certainly be too intimidated to talk to you. They will create several scenarios in their heads about what you might be up to. Are you a member of the FBI? Are you a runaway groom that got cold feet? Little do they know that what you are doing is walking your GPA up that aisle, and your feet aren’t cold at all.

This classic tee is a college essential, and anyone who is serious about their grades should own a plethora of well-fitted cotton t-shirts. It is unclear to me how one can properly concentrate on school without the peace of mind that a well-fitted cotton tee provides. Studies would probably show that GPA is directly proportional to the number of well-fitted cotton tees that a student owns. It’s just the way the world works. Well-fitted cotton tee.

We know what you’re thinking. “This is not a t-shirt! Why do I need this? Why do I need to wear two shirts at once?” It’s ok to have questions. This special shirt combination is the outfit of choice for professors. Use this knowledge to disguise yourself as a professor, hack into the mainframe, and change your grade to reflect your t-shirts. It’s that simple. No one suspects the individual in a nice shirt with a sweater over it.

Who knew a 4.0 could be so easy and so fashion-forward? Well, we did. It’s kind of why we wrote this article. Go get that 4.0 you so very much do not deserve.

The Black Sheep is

GIRLS GET OUT THOSE DRESSES!

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ON THE STREETS “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO MOST BETWEEN NOW AND SUMMER?” ERIN DUGAN “After-class UDairy trips!”

KRISTI IANNELLI

“Making the switch from hot coffee to iced coffee as the weather gets nicer.”

ABBIE GOLDRING

“Waking up to the sun shining through my window and not having to bundle up before I walk out the door.”

THE TOP TEN

Ideas For Top 10 Lists SPECIALS ALL WEEK LONG!

Every issue, The Black Sheep gifts our readers another Top 10 list. Unfortunately, there is only so much space we get to fill, and lots of great ideas are left by the wayside. All we hear from readers is “What gems are we missing on the cutting room floor?” and “How do you manage to integrate your consumer-facing content aggregation into your two-way-communication paradigm?” Well, the answer to the first question is here! 10.) Top 10 Restaurants On Main Street: “There are so many!” you say. “How can you possibly pare it down to just ten?” Well, we did. “Was Chipotle on there?” You bet. “Sinclair’s?” Oh of course it was. “Cheeburger Cheeburger?” Sorry fans, but that was where we drew the line. 9.) Top 10 Places To Go For Spring Break: This one was packed to the brim with vacation suggestions, including Tijuana, Cancun, and An Eastern European Country Not Embroiled In Ethnic Turmoil At The Time Of Publication. We even threw in a shout-out for our friends at UDaB who, despite nonsensically making the “a” lowercase, do a lot of good. “UDaB is sure to stem off your guilt of privilege until next year’s UDaB trip!” we wrote. 8.) Top 10 Harker Quotes: You name’em, we had’em! Harker’s famous “The store is spacious and full of exciting products, and the staff was extremely helpful” about the UD Bookstore only made #5, which should give you some idea of how good this listicle was. 7.) Top 10 Majors: Our staff writers meticulously researched this topic for three months before discovering that it’s not the words on the degree that count – it’s the person holding it. 6.) Top 10 Favorite Game Of Thrones Characters: Nine out of our ten favorites died before we could go to print with this commentary on the pop culture phenomenon. We have declined to run it in subsequent issues for fear that the 10th character would be killed off, too. 5.) Top 10 Things To Do With A Boner Other Than Sex: We were having a lot of fun with this one before realizing another school had written it, and that it was one of the most popular articles The Black Sheep has ever run. We may come back to it later. 4.) Top 10 UD Stories From Last Year: From dumpster sex to Mizu rooftop sex to professor almost-sex, we compiled all the best stories from the past 365 days at the time of pitch. But all the sad things on it made us feel bad about going to UD so we opted to not use it. 3.) Top 10 Members Of Arcade Fire: Turns out there are only six members of Arcade Fire. We could’ve sworn it was like 30 when we were deciding article topics. 2.) Top 10 Classes At UD: Quick – do you have a favorite class at UD? So did we! So many, in fact, that the writing staff almost tore itself apart trying to pare the list down, breaking the bonds of friendship we had worked so hard to build. 1.) Top 10 Top 10 Lists About Top 10 Lists: While trying to figure out the logistics of this list we got stuck on a recursive loop and hurt our brains. Matt Roarty wrote this

Sunday: $4 Bloody Marys and Mimosas Monday: $1 off Hall of Fame Beers 6pm-Close Tuesday: Tator Tot and Trivia Tuesday Wednesday: 1/2 Price Sandwich Night 6pm-Close Thursday: $3 Crush and Margarita, $2 Beach Shooters; $2 Off Seafood Friday: $3 1/4lb Steamed Shrimp $3 Yuengling from 6pm-Close Saturday: $3 1/4lb Steamed Shrimp $3 Yuengling from 6pm-Close

EVERYDAY:

Happy Hour 3-6pm 1/2 Price Apps; $3 Drafts; $2 Domestic Bottles Late Night 10pm-12 midnight $2 Purple Gatorades $3 Spring Waters $4 Crushes

ALL DAY

$2 Miller Cans $3 Fireball $4 Rail OPEN DAILY 11AM - 1AM | 302-454-1900 ALL SPECIALS ARE DINE-IN, BUT WE DELIVER!

THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

Everyday: Happy Hour 3-6pm 1/2 price apps; $3 Drafts; $2 Domestic bottles Late Night 10pm-12: $2 Purple Gatorades, $3 Spring Waters $4 Crushes

WEDNESDAY: Yeungs and Wings 6-Close: $0.60 Wings $2 Yeungling Drafts $4 Captain & Jack Drinks 9-Close: $4 LITs, $3 Green Tea Shots

Get Ready for the Sexy Sundress Party on Tuesday 4/28! Party w/ Jefe and DJ Andrew Hugh!

FRIDAY! $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light

THURSDAY

$3 Crush and Margarita; $2 Beach Shooters; $2 off Seafood All Day: $2 Miller Cans $3 Fireball, $4 Rail

Wine and Dine/OPP Night 6-10: $4 Glasses House Wines $4 Blue Moon & Sam Adams Seasonal Drafts Free dessert with purchase of an entrée 9-Close: OPP (Own Personal Pitcher) Night $4 Pitchers Lite & Yuengling, $5 Personal Pitcher Rail Drinks, $6 Personal Pitcher LIT’s $3 Purple Gatorade, White Gummy Bears, Lucky Charms DJ and Live Music @ 10

All You Can Eat Wings (5PM - close) $2 Rail Drinks (all day) 1/2 Price Burgers 11:30am-3pm, House Music w/ DJ Andrew Hugh

DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy and Vodka, $3 Blue Moon Pints, $3 25oz Coors Lights $4 Tall Svedkas

FRIDAY

$3 1/4lb Steamed Shrimp $3 Yuengling from 6pm-Close All Day: $2 Miller Cans $3 Fireball, $4 Rail

3-7pm: Happy Hour Food & Drinks Specials 9-Close: $5 Pitchers Lite and Yuengling $3 Rails (vodka, rum, whisky, gin, tequila) $4 LIT’s, $3 White Gummy Bears $3 Piehole Shots, $4 Fireball Shots Live Music @ 10

$5 All Bombs, All Day, Everyday DJ Chris!

$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light

SATURDAY

$3 1/4lb Steamed Shrimp; $3 Yuengling from 6pm-Close All Day: $2 Miller Cans $3 Fireball, $4 Rail

Soccer Saturday Soccer Brunch 10-2: $1 Mimosas, $3 Bloody Mary’s, $5 Irish Pints 9-Close: $5 Pitchers Miller Lite and Yuengling $3 Rails (vodka, rum, whisky, gin, tequila), $4 LIT’s, $3 Lucky Charms, $3 Piehole Shots $4 Fireball Shots, Live Music @ 10

Brunch 10am-2pm, $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar $3.50 Captain Morgan Drinks, All Day, Everyday Live Local Music! No Cover (w/ student ID)

$3 Big Miller Lites College Football

SUNDAY

$4 Bloody Marys and Mimosas All Day: $2 Miller Cans $3 Fireball, $4 Rail

PHAT (Poor, Hungry & Thirsty) In the Biz Brunch 10-2: $1 Mimosas, $3 Bloody Mary’s 5-10: $11.99 Irish Entrees, $5 Irish Pints 9-Close: In the Biz specials $4 Fireball and GM shots $4 Pitchers Miller Lite and Yuengling $6 In the Biz Food Menu

Sunday Funday w/ Brunch (9AM-2PM) $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar Chorduroy Live, No Cover

$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites

MONDAY

$1 off Hall of Fame Beers from 6pm-Close All Day: $2 Miller Cans $3 Fireball, $4 Rail

Melt Down Mondays 6-Close: $4 Select Craft Drafts $5 Feature Grilled Cheese and Soup Combo, $4 Captain & Jack Drinks 9-Close: $3 Flavored Vodkas $3 Lucky Charms

1/2 Price Appetizers 5pm-Close, Showtime Trivia at 8:30PM

$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Leinenkugel Pints

TUESDAY

Tator Tot and Trivia Tuesday All Day: $2 Miller Cans $3 Fireball, $4 Rail

Burger Mania 6-Close: 1/2 Price Burgers, $4 Captain and Jack Drinks, $4 Personal Pitchers Miller Lite and Yuengling, $6 Personal Pitchers Sam Adams Seasonal and Blue Moon 9-Close: $3 Vodka Drinks $3 Applesauce Quizzo @ 8pm

$4 Double LIT’s 1/2 Price Burgers All Day Come Check Out Jefe and DJ Andrew Hugh Every Tuesday Night!

COLLEGE NIGHT! $2 Single You Call Its, $10 Cover Charge Free Admission w/ UD I.D.

WEDNESDAY

1/2 Price Sandwich Night 6pm-Close All Day: $2 Miller Cans $3 Fireball, $4 Rail

Yeungs and Wings 6-Close: $0.60 Wings $2 Yeungling Drafts $4 Captain & Jack Drinks 9-Close: $4 LITs, $3 Green Tea Shots

1/2 Price Nachos and Quesadillas All Day, 1/2 Price Burgers All Day $1.50 Tacos, $3 Corona and Corona Light, $3 Margaritas, $2.50 Taylor’s Grog Draft

$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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THE BAR GRID Check Out Our Amazing LATE NIGHT MENU (10pm-12:30am) Every Night! See Page 2 for Details!

Happy Hour! 4-6pm Monday - Friday: $2.50 Drafts(Bud, Miller, Yuengling) $4 House Wines, $4 Sangria $4 Craft Beers

Best Happy Hour in Town Mon.-Sat. 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks, $5 App Menu Outside Deck is Open!

$2.50 COORS LIGHT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Dueling Pianos Karaoke at 9pm $2 Rail Pints $5 Fishbowls

MUG NIGHT! $2 Drafts & $3 Well Drinks (Only with Mug) $3 Purple Gatorades, $3 Applesauce $3 Blue Hen Shots $1 Jello shot

International Night feat. DJ Bis 9-close $3 Single, $5 Double $3.50 Corona Outside Deck is Open!

$12 Dinner Entrees, 1/2 Priced Bottles of Wine Free Happy Hour Taco Buffet! $2.50 Coors Light

THURSDAY

$9.99 Fish & Chips $3 Blue Moon Pints Happy Hour: $2 Select Drafts | $2 Call Liquor Drinks | $3 House Wines $3 Fireball | $3 Blue Moon Pints DJ Ed Ex pm

9-Close: $3 Big Bottle Bud Lights $3 Kates Punch, $3 Vodka Drinks $3 Soco Slammers $3 Blue Hen Shots $4 Bacardi Drinks, $1 Jello Shots

Best Happy Hour in Town Mon.-Sat. 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks, $5 App Menu Outside Deck is Open!

Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar til 3pm $9.99 Celtic Entrees $3 Fireball | $4 Vodka Red Bull | $4 Dogﬁsh Head 60 Min IPA Live DJ 10pm

9-Close: $4 Redbull Vodka $4 Bomb Shots, $3 Vodka Drinks $3 Green Tea Shots $3 White Gummy Bear Shots $3 Blue Hen Shots $1 Jello Shots

Newark’s New Soccer Headquarters Showing All Games! 9am-2pm Brunch: Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar Outside Deck is Open!

Chef's Special! DJ 9pm $4 Tall Smirnoff Flavored Drinks $2.50 Coors Light

SATURDAY

Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar til 3pm All You Can Eat Wings & Fries 9.99 $2 Bud Lt. Drafts, $3 Call LIquors $4 Irish Drafts ½ Price Drinks 10pm-12am

9 - Close $3 Applesauce Shots $3 Rails $3 Blue Hen Shots

Soccer and Brunch 9am-2pm Medium Cheese Pizza & 10 Wings $13.99 Large Cheese Pizza & 20 Wings $23.99 Outside Deck is Open!

All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs for $19 $2.50 Coors Light

SUNDAY

All You Can Eat Wings & Fries 9.99 (all day) $3 Angry Orchard & Yuengling Pints $3 Captain Morgan Drinks Pub Quiz 9pm-12am

9-Close: $3 Jolly Rancher shot $3 Blue Hen Shot $3 Vodka Drinks $3 Whiskey Drinks

Medium Cheese Pizza & 10 Wings $13.99 Large Cheese Pizza & 20 Wings $23.99 Outside Deck is Open!

$6 Nacho Night! Seafood, Taco, Supreme, Chicken or Pulled Pork $5 Jose Cuervo Margaritas on the Rocks, $2.50 Coors Light

MONDAY

Burger Night! $5 Burgers (½ lb burgers) $3 Yards & Victory Pints 1/2 Price Drinks 9pm-1am DJ 10pm

9 - Close: $3 Margaritas $3 Blue Hen Shot $3 Tequila Sunrise shots $3 Vodka Drinks

Best Happy Hour in Town 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks $5 App Menu

WING NIGHT! $0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $4 Tall Tito’s Vodka Drinks $2.50 Coors Light

TUESDAY

$5 Flatbreads, $4 Craft Beer $4 Martini Bar Bingo (name that tune) 9pm-1am

9-Close: $3 Jolly Rancher Shots $3 Blue Hen Shots $3 Vodka Drinks

Yeungs & Wings 5-close $0.49 Traditional, $0.59 Breaded $2 Yuengling Pints Outside Deck is Open!

Half-Price Burgers $4 Tall Whipped Smirnoff Vodka Drinks

WEDNESDAY

Karaoke Night 9pm until 1am

Outside Deck is Open!

College Night!

FREE Happy Hour Buffet 9pm - Close: $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts, $3 Rail Drinks, Fireball Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls., $4 Captain Morgan Drinks, $5 Senor Creepy

FRIDAY

NIC CAGE UNDERSTANDS YOUR FINALS STRUGGLES (AND SO CAN YOU!) Finals. What came to mind when you saw that word? Pain? Agony? Nicolas Cage? We know it probably wasn’t Nicolas Cage, but we’re here to tell you it should be. A cornerstone of the Hollywood scene for years, Nicolas Cage is known for his amazing feats of actoring, subtle emotional nuances, and most importantly, starring in really really great movies. But Nic is more than meets the eye; he’s a hidden gem filled with a lifetime of knowledge. While you may not fully understand the tornado of desperation that is finals, it might surprise you to know that Nic does, and he’s here to help.

- Molly Ade

Just thinking about finals is stressful, and stress can make you do crazy things, like get really high and steal a baby. When Nic gets stressed from screaming every word that comes out of his mouth, he too sometimes gets really high and steals a baby. It’s okay, the baby had an edible— he doesn’t even know what his fingers are right now.

That first look at a semester’s worth of notes is like the bubonic plague: no matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to avoid being bitten by a rat that’s been running around in street sewage because this is the 14th century and you don’t know what a toilet is. Did you follow that simile? Just looking at the overload of chunks of information squeezed between unidentifiable doodles makes you feel like you’ve somehow been put in a woman’s naked body in the shower while a bumble bee crawls on you and Gordon Ramsay threatens to kill you for overcooking the butternut squash.

Screw having time to de-grime, who has the time to workout during finals? Nic Cage doesn’t have the time to workout during finals. Just like you, Nic likes to tell people he’s working out and staying fit when really he’s just sitting on his couch mesmerized by whatever Lifetime movie is currently playing.

You’re free from that one-night stand that you swear never happened, but you’re not totally in the clear. Finals week isn’t a hangover immunity shield, and nothing makes your head and body hurt more than “The inner mitochondrial membrane is compartmentalized into numerous cristae, which expand the surface area of the inner mitochondrial membrane, enhancing its ability to produce ATP.” One eye is screaming from the brutal assault of library fluorescent lights. The other eye is confused because it comprehended 0% of that sentence. Your brain is smiling though. It’s still drunk and thinks your current inability to properly hold a pencil is hilarious.

The brain can only hold a finite amount of important information—like the sexual preferences of each famous philosopher for example—which means other, more common sense information—like your name or how to operate a microwave—is pushed out of the ol’ ear hole to make room for academia. Silly Nic, handcuffing your finger isn’t going to keep you attached to anything!

Sometimes during finals you’re assigned long, painful papers that seem like they’re never going to end. Sometimes you pour your heart and overly caffeinated soul into said treacherously long paper, only to realize you’ve written it on the completely wrong topic and you have 5 hours to do it all over again. When that time comes, it’s only natural to blink out every last little bit of soul you had in your eyes and just stare like you have the mental function of [insert name of Johnny Depp’s character] in [insert name of Johnny Depp movie].

Finals can bring out mixed emotions. You might be happy to be done with one class while still stressfully confused that you’ve still managed to learn nothing in an entire semester. No matter what you’re feeling, you should always be honest with your emotions. When Nic has mixed emotions he leaves them all out on the table. Sometimes he’s happy, sometimes he’s sad. Sometimes he has catstache, sometimes he does not have catstache.

You’re almost at the finish line, just one final to go, but you can’t help feeling like you’ve gained almost too much information in too short a timespan. Begrudgingly you decide you can’t study for your last final, not because you don’t want to, but because the slightest bit more knowledge could startle your bird hair into flying away.

Personal hygiene gets thrown out the window when there’s even a whiff of finals in the air; it’s the only time of year where all students band together to suffocate campus with B.O. stench and blind it with pedophilic pizza delivery guy mustaches. Looking back at pictures, you may be thinking, “What the actual fuck was I thinking?” but don’t be alarmed, Nic is too.

Spending days on end in the cold dungeon the administrators of death call “the library” can take a serious toll on a person. It’s okay to take one night to go out, let loose, and maybe hookup with the love of your life you just met 10 minutes ago. Unfortunately they’ll probably have leopard bed sheets, and more unfortunately the carpet will probably match the leopard drapes, but at least you’ll have a perfect getaway excuse! I’d love to stay and name our future children but the dungeon awaits me.

You’ve made it through finals—finally—but you’re not the same person you were when you started. You’ve gained new knowledge you’ll carry with you for the rest of the next two weeks, you’ve seen things a person should never have to see; if you looked in a mirror you’d barely recognize yourself. Nic goes through this transformation every time he churns out a motion picture for the ages. Is this a picture of an eagle? Yes. Is it also Nic Cage? Yes. Nicolas Cage is now a bird, and so can you.

BARTENDER OF THE WEEK

MANDY AT THE GREENE TURTLE

Relationship Status: Taken Major: None, just general studies. Favorite Drink: Mai Tai Favorite Shot: Purple Hooter Disgusting Drink: Guinness Explain the most intense night you’ve had bartending at The Greene Turtle in a sentence: I really haven’t had one because I’m new here, but I had some good stories when I was in Florida. Fireball or Jagermeister?: Jagermeister; it’s what I drank in my 20s. What movie character would you most like to post up at the bar?: Vince Vaughn, because I like him. I think he’s funny and sexy. What’s something most people find attractive about the opposite sex that you don’t

understand?: I don’t know. I like everything. Tell us a secret: My customers at the bar right now walked out on a tab a couple years ago and didn’t tell anyone. But I’m new so I guess I can’t do anything about it. Which food item do you find most phallic?: Cucumber, just because I do. I have my reasons. If you and a talking animal could team up for a buddy cop TV show, what animal would you have talk?: A white horse. What would you name your TV show?: Something really lame and boring like Horsin’ Around. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I’m in it as Bartender of the Week.

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

BIKINI BOOZIN’

BEEFY BURRITO

TSIONAS MANAGEMENT

GREAT LOCATIONS AVAILABLE FOR FALL! Since Mother Nature is finally giving us consistently good weather, you can find the majority of campus hanging out at a pool. You know, a cramped one filled with as much chlorine as there are used Band-Aids. We’re going to make laying out at the pool a bit more fun than usual.

What You’ll Need: Your bathing suit, booze, and beach bod. The latter’s entirely optional, since there’s no way in hell you kept that going after spring break.

With the semester coming to a close soon and the sun shining on the regular, there’s no better time to whip up a massive burrito. Who even has the time to wait in that line for one of those? Follow this recipe to make a meaty burrito quick enough to make and eat in front of your foolish friends waiting in the Chipotle line. What You’ll Need: Ground beef, tortillas, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, sour cream, and guacamole.

2, 3, and 4 Person Apartments

Number of Players: 2+, you and the girls you’re laying out with.

Level of Intoxication: You won’t realize that tan is actually a sunburn. Pink, orange… what’s the difference? SUMMER. How to Play: Take 1 drink… -For every triangle bikini you see. No, don’t stop. May as well keep on going. -Every time some dude cannonballs and splashes everybody. -When said gentleman realizes no one outside of middle school gives a shit about cannonballs anymore.

Take 2 drinks… -For every person’s beach body that isn’t quite beach ready… -If you see a girl actually in the pool and not worrying about her tan. -For anybody who’s passed out and veering on the whole second-degree burn, red lobster bandwagon.

Finish your drink… -If there are no chairs available! Time to go home! The Game Ends When: You pass out and wake up with the worst sunburn of your life. PCB won’t save you now, pally.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

Fatty Factor: This burrito can certainly feed a whole family, but this one’s just for you, yourself, and Yaakov. So, you do the math. Let’s Get Baked: -Put a skillet on the stovetop, turn the heat on medium, and throw your ground beef in it. Season the sunnuvagun with salt and pepper. -Dice the tomatoes up and chop the lettuce, careful not to chop your fingers. Playing adult is hard, isn’t it now? -Don’t forget about the meat on the stovetop! Stir it occasionally until it’s cooked all the way through. -Once it’s cooked, it’s time to assemble your burrito. Start with your tortilla and just kind of toss all that shit in there. -Add a couple spoonfuls of guac (be generous) and sour cream. -Wrap your burrito like you’ve seen the employees do it… like a giant, hastily-prepared taco…

S T I N U ALL TH I W E COM G! N I K R A P

Now you’ve got one of the biggest and best burritos in campustown without having to stand in line or deal with all the basics. Be sure to stay by a bathroom because large quantities of Mexican food run through your intestines very quickly.

TSIONASINC.COM | 302-369-8895 NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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Enchanting Bazaar of the Orient Mystically Appears Outside Perkins

Paul Mooney wrote this

On Thursday, a bewildering market of curiosity and wonder of the lands of the east and the exotic appeared suddenly outside Perkins. The market is selling trinkets and oddities of lands yonder, like incense sticks and blankets with Bob Marley’s face on it. The wonderful little bazaar -- undoubtedly part of a traveling caravan of traders from the lands of Siam, Arabia, Spencer’s Gifts, and the like sell such novelties as ancient puka shell necklaces and little sticks of wood with a hole in it that hold up your incense and catch all the ash. “Be careful of the fabled bazaar, for many of the holy items sold there are cursèd by the ancient black magic by which they are created,” said junior Jason Plath. “Also, the pipes are terrible and you have to suck extra hard. And like they’re not made for weed so you burn your fingers a lot

UD Commencement Speaker Spares Graduates Decision of Whether To Go To Commencement Matt Roarty wrote this

Following the University of Delaware’s announcement that alumnus David G. DeWalt would be giving the May 2015 commencement address, graduating students reportedly gave a large collective sigh of relief knowing that there would be no compelling reason to attend. just trying to spark it.” The market of curiosity offers such mythical relics as a tapestry of a Tree of Life, undoubtedly used for a pagan ceremony of conjuring a spirit in the less civilized parts of the world. There are also tapestries of dancing bears and a smiling Jerry Garcia, undoubtedly used for a Wednesday ceremony of smoking weed in the less civilized parts of south campus. The market included such wondrous mysteries as tradi-

tional Baja sweaters and tiedyed garments traditionally worn by Rastafarian shamans and Voodoo witch doctors. “What exotic curiosities are to be found here! Candles with three different colors? How amazing!” exclaimed freshman Ellie Crawford, who still gets excited by looking at the schlock sold in Hot Topic. The bazaar is expected to be gone whenever a westward wind blows it further along its path of trade, or when its vendor’s license runs out.

“Commencement will probably be super hot and I’d have to get up at like 7 a.m. for it, so I’m glad to know I won’t be missing anything,” said Daniel Ziegler, who will be receiving his B.A. in history. “Last year, with Biden, I would’ve felt like I had to go, ya know? So that was kinda thoughtful of UD.” Administration officials noted that they were excited for DeWalt, who is an expert on technology, cybersecurity, and mergers and acquisitions. “It’s great, because he’s just a big enough deal that it doesn’t seem like we phoned it in, but not so big that people feel like they’re missing out on something,” said Gil Sparks, chairman of the university’s Board of Trustees.

Other officials echoed Sparks’ sentiment. Jeff Garland, vice president and university secretary, told reporters that “when I first saw the picture, I thought ‘oh man, we got Scott Bakula!’ But then someone told me it was not Scott Bakula, which sucks for me – because I’m a huge Bakula guy – but is good for the students who can sleep in and party later. “I’m not even sure the graduates would know who Scott Bakula is, to be honest.”

PRO TIPS

Should You Wear Socks With Your Shoes? – An Experiment Tia Hill wrote this

It’s spring, and you know what that means – the socks are coming off. To aid in this transition, we decided to try wearing 5 different types of footwear without socks to find out which combos work and which don’t. We began our journey with a large bag with various pairs of shoes in it, foot cream, and a prayer. We also forgot to take photos while doing it, so we added them later. We’re professional!

Flip-Flops

Sperrys

Sneakers

Riding Boots

Anyone who even considers wearing socks with flip flops is probably a serial killer, so our decision to wear flip flops without socks was the natural thing to do. The walk was easy and breezy, toes were open, and the constant flow of fresh air kept things cool and comfortable. Sure, we had so little arch support that our feet felt flatter than the ground itself, but our toes also weren’t trapped in a casing of fabric and rubber, left to stew in their own scent for hours.

At the corner of Cleveland and North College, we changed shoes, sliding on a pair of Sperrys that we had bought back in high school when everyone wore them, before we realized that paying $70 for boat shoes isn’t worth it unless you have a boat, and even then not really. However, the water of a boat and the amount of liquid being produced by our foot at this point were about the same, and we must say that the Sperrys provided us with the best alternative to socks that any shoe could give. It blended the sweat into the fibers which made for smooth sailing.

Nike sneakers proved to be the opposite. We put on the sneakers and to get the full effect, we decided to go for a quick jog down South College to really get a feel for how athletes feel. Things went well here, we enjoyed ourselves, had plenty of arch support, kept cool and everything. It was not until we went to change our shoes for the next review that we smelled it: probably a mix between onions and a dead body, and yes, it was our feet. The smell was an expellable offense.

We managed to stay coherent long enough to slide on our riding boots. If your feet are looking for a rollercoaster experience, slide those sweaty things into a pair of riding boots. Not only are they high enough to constitute half of a pant leg, but we found ourselves sliding on the inside of our own boot while trying to walk down the street. The pool of sweat on the inside was absolutely ridiculous, a small creek of water had formed at the toe, and it felt like a family of sardines had already begun making a new life for themselves in its wetness.

Timberland Boots

GOD OH GOD NO WEAR SOME SOCKS THE HEAT THE HEAT IS JUST EXCRUCIATING IT FEELS LIKE SATAN DECIDED TO RENT A CONDO IN THE ENTIRETY OF BOTH SHOES AND THEN BURN THAT CONDO DOWN AT A TEMPERATURE OF WELL OVER TEN THOUSAND DEGREES. YOUR FEET WILL FEEL LIKE MINI HOT DOGS BEING SLOW ROASTED OVER A BOY SCOUTS CAMPFIRE. YOUR FEET WILL EVENTUALLY BE SO SOAKED FROM SWEAT THEY WILL SHRIVEL UP INTO LITTLE RAISINS AND DISAPPEAR, IF THEY HAVE NOT YET BEEN BURNT TO A CRISP AFTER FIVE MINUTES OF STEWING IN A CESSPOOL OF HEAT AND PERSPIRATION.

As a now-professional shoe reviewer, we can see absolutely no reason not to wear socks with shoes. Do you hate yourself? We would too if our feet were constantly that sweaty. Dress appropriately, and you’ll save lives, toes, and nostrils.

CLUE BANK

MMM... BEER... WORDSEARCH Guinness • Dogfish Head • Sierra Nevada Rogue • New Belgium • Samuel Adams Bells • Stone Brewing • Lagunitas • Yuengling Blue Moon • Newcastle • Allagash • Left Hand Victory • Oskar Blues • Ommegang Founders • Anchor • Magic Hat

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