The Black Sheep
f lau ree... gh like ove ge r yo t t i n ur g t mo he l rta as l en t em y.
Vol.5, Issue 6
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
11/14/13 - 11/27/13
President Harker Declares War on Thanksgiving BY: Timothy Jenkins What is typically a joyous occasion of giving and being thankful, Thanksgiving comes as a yearly boiling point for our dear President Harker. As childish at it may seem, Harker is jealous that turkeys steal his spotlight, even though only for a day. We sent field reporter Lindsay Chao out to gather some information on the subject, and she found some disturbing truths.
her when Harker appeared with an ax in hand.
The first stop for Lindsay was, oddly enough, the Brunswick bowling alley. Two years ago, UD staff members threatened to burn down the bowling alley if they did not change the phrase “getting a turkey” for three strikes to “getting a Blue Hen.” The owner of the bowling alley requested that he remain anonymous for his own safety, but he is 5’6, has brown hair, a goatee, and a noticeable tattoo of a Yin and Yang on his bicep. His closest friends call him “Rick,” but we can assure you that was not his name.
“These damn Indians, or Naïve Americans, or whatever. I shoulda never allowed .5% of the student population quota to be filled by the Navajo. They brought these turkeys to celebrate when we got perfectly good Blue Hens to feast on. I don’t care how long ago some stupid pansies in buckled hats and some feather wearin’ cavemen shared turkey, I’m sharin’ Blue Hen with these people, giving them the opportunity to be at this damn university, and they rub it in my face by feastin’ on that filth. Have some school spirit for Christ’s sake!”
He told us that the UD staff said they would burn the alley down with everyone in it, “like they did in The Patriot.” When asked if he recognized any of the staff members, he said one of them wore a suit, had salt and pepper grey hair, a goofy smile, and reeked of alcohol. Chao shared that Harker matches this description. Chao smelt something rotten as she arrived to President Harker’s doorstep. There was a dead turkey nailed to his door. She heard a rustle of leaves behind
“You comin’ round here, tryin’ impose your stupid Native American holiday mumbo jumbo on me arntcha?” squawked Harker. Lindsay was terrified, but had to stay calm. She asked what was so wrong with Thanksgiving.
Harker then licked blood off the axe blade and lower his voice, “All them turkeys gon’ die, like that one there one on my door.” Lindsay Chao proceeded to get the fuck out of there. But as she turned to leave, she was knocked out and forced into a van. She woke up in a dimly lit room, gagged, and blinded by a single light shone right on her face. A man sat opposite her and began to speak.
page 4 Wonder Break Truck Brings a Little Magic to everyone’s day It’s pretty much like seeing a double rainbow.
“Hello, Lindsay, my name is Little Foot, I am the leader of the .5% Harker accepted to UD. These are my people.” He waved a welcome hand to his entourage, all donning traditional Native American wear as they were originally on their way to a Thanksgiving reenactment at a local grade school. Lindsay screamed but was muffled by the gag. “Don’t worry — you’ll be safe. We just want you to know the truth. Harker is jealous of the turkey. He cannot stand the fact that on Thanksgiving everyone eats
turkey over Delaware’s native Blue Hens. He’s an attention whore, so much so, that he is even angrier during the days following Thanksgiving because everyone is still eating leftover turkey. He’s going insane, and we have to protect the turkey-eaters. Harker’s been trying to force Blue Hen meat into the dining halls, but it tastes like cows’ assholes, and frankly isn’t even currently recognized as an actual breed of chicken. We have plans for Harker, but since you are now informed and we have to get to the grade school soon, you may go.”
pages 10-11 We Interview: Todd Sklar we talk with the Indie movie director about his latest film Awful Nice.
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Harker and his cronies are childishly jealous that turkeys are the featured bird of Thanksgiving so instead of holding an open discussion about it, they’re killing turkeys and feeding us Delaware Blue Hens instead. Sadly, Lindsay Chao will be leaving us for her own safety from President Harker. We thank her for her groundbreaking discoveries from the “I’m Schmacked” Riot, that time she “accidently” made out with this editor at Kate’s, and for uncovering the transvestite prostitution ring being run on Mentor’s Circle.
page 14 Girl unaware she ruins everyone’s good time
Her every interaction causes men to break down in tears.
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Guy doesn’t know what his test is on. Doesn’t matter. By Dillon McLaughlin James Spal ding, a junior psychology major, doesn’t know what his test on Monday is going to cover, but isn’t worried about his performance. He is confident that his test taking methods will see him through. “I know there’s a vocab section, and there’s bound to be some multiple choice,” Spalding speculated Thursday evening. “Provided the professor doesn’t pull any ‘which one of the following is NOT...’ I can slap them with a bit of intuition and contextual analysis and come out alright.” Over the weekend, Spalding locked himself in his room and watched back-to-back marathons of Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman and How It’s Made. “True/False usually trips me up,” admitted Spalding during a commercial break and shoving a handful of sour cream and onion potato chips into his waiting mouth. “But those rarely go beyond a dozen questions, so I can guess my way through and take a hit in the grade if I have to.”
Coming out of his room Sunday evening, Spalding wiped his mouth on his sleeve, snorted, and said, “Well, that’s that.” Speaking to reporters early Monday morning, Spalding showed them three pages of calculations he had stayed up all Sunday night making. He is confident that as long as he can BS his way to a B minus, he’ll still be able to get credit for the class and graduate on time. “It all comes down to the essay portion,” puffed Spalding on his sprint to the exam. “I’ve found that for handwritten essays in a Blue Book, the sweet spot is about 400 to 450 words with some buzzwords from earlier in the test thrown in. Saying ‘It could be argued’ instead of ‘I think’ really boosts the perceived confidence and complexity of the essay, and you still get to write in first person.” “Take-home typed essays are a different story though,” Spalding continued to wheeze. “For those you need at least 700 words, you can’t mess with the margins, and so help you if you try Wikipedia. They smell that a mile away. What you need to do is minimally paraphrase the Encyclopedia Britannica 2003. Professors forgot those things exist.”
Spalding insisted that for any and all written essays, flow is the most important part of your writing. With a good flow of ideas, what would have been a C minus easily becomes a C plus, possibly even breaking into the low B territory. He also urges people to check his Youtube channel where he posts weekly videos with tips on how to make the best of a bad academic situation. “I have a lot of subscribers actually,” said Spalding, showing reporters the 15 notebooks of collegiate observations that make up the majority of the material for his videos. “I’m really surprised. And the video I made about the perfect ratio of skipping versus going to class has more than four million views. That one went viral and I was really proud of it. It took me three semesters of trial and error and emailing to work out exactly the median presence a student has to project to stay in a professor’s good graces.” Spalding says he is really looking forward to graduating to the real world, where he hopes his efforts will lead him to discover just how many sick days he can take without being labeled a slacker.
Wonder Bread Truck Brings a Little Magic to Everyone’s Day
By: Joe Ziegler Residents of Newark were greeted with a visit from a Wonder Bread truck on Friday, the first seen in the area since original parent company Hostess Brands was forced to liquidate all their assets and the iconic brand was rebought by Flowers Foods. The distinctive vehicle, with its red, white, and blue design, weaved through the city’s streets to the delight of the locals. “I felt a warm shiver, and when I turned around, I caught the truck out of the corner of my eye,” said University of Delaware student Bob Tinsman on the impromptu drop-by, which occurred just as the sun came out from the clouds that morning. “It was just nice to see it again, you know?” Hannah Perot, who was at her son Russell’s football game when she saw the truck, agreed. “It was the 3rd quarter, and all of a sudden a breeze blows through and knocks over everyone’s hats,”Perot recalls. “Just then the Wonder Bread car turns the corner. Russell points at it and on the next play, he scores his first touchdown.”
intersection, dropping a loaf of bread on his lap. Greenburg greedily ate the food, only to be viciously attacked by a group of ravens attracted by the distinct allAmerican smell of the bread. Pecked repeatedly as several pedestrians declined to intervene, Greenburg nearly bled to death before being taken to a local hospital. There, doctors discovered a tumor on his prostate while stitching up his gaping wounds.
“Also I think there was a double rainbow.”
“The doctors said I could have died if it wasn’t for that truck,” said Greenburg. “And I’m inclined to believe them. Thank you, Wonder Bread.”
One homeless man says he owes his life to the Wonder Bread truck. Sitting on his usual corner, Kevin Greenburg was in the last throes of starvation when the carrier of the iconic American white bread sharply turned into the
The Wonder Bread truck was last seen crashed in a field of a beloved local family whose house was to be foreclosed upon. Reports say the accident uncovered the largest deposit of oil east of Texas.
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on the Streets This Thanksgiving what do you want to be stuffed with? o m o re J a re d , S o p h
“Dreidels.”
r Dani, Junio
“All the Chipotle in the world.”
m o re Nora, Sopho
“A plethora of chocolatey goodness.”
06
The
Top
Ten
Scariest Things to Occur While Driving Down Main Street By: Melinda Nanovsky
Main Street is fear that no other street in Newark will ever embody. The Black Sheep brings you the hidden fears and terrors that every driver and/or any pedestrian will encounter while travelling down this treacherous road. 10.) The CrossWalker: Watch your assumptions — any time you assume no one is crossing at the crosswalks, someone will pop out. Those people aren’t quite there when you are driving up to the crosswalk, appear out of nowhere, and give you a damn heart attack when you finally make eye contact with them. 9.) Good Cop, Bad Cop: Newark’s finest love to patrol Main Street whether to write underage drinking tickets or jovially count down the parking meters. But get one of these mustachioed bad boys behind you, and you’ll suffer a sustained heart attack all the way to Penny Hall… especially if you can’t remember whether or not you’re still “holding” “your friend’s” bowl. 8.) The Parallel Park Hawks: God forbid you ever have to parallel park during heavy traffic hours. People show no sympathy for anyone who has to squeeze into a spot; they will be sure to get as horribly close to where you need to cut in and then watch you like a hawk to make sure you don’t put a scratch on their car. 7.) The Stragglers: The Stragglers are the late nighters strolling out of Kate’s, Grotto, Kildare’s or any other bar with Main Street access. Those packs of bubbling drunks will zig when you expect them to zag, and sometimes right into the street. Definitely keep your guard up around the times of 9:3011:00p.m. on, really, any given day. 6.) Peak-A-Boo Cars: No longer do drivers have to watch out for cars simply driving in the same direction on Main Street, but now they have to watch out for ones that are encroaching on the sides. They move fast and tend to sneak out into the street, not knowing you don’t have a full visual of them. 5.) The Texter: Not scary for the driver, but definitely one of the more comical things to see on Main Street: the walking texter. Before you know it, they awkwardly smash face first into someone or something they weren’t expecting to meet so personally. 4.) The Looker: Very overlooked but still rather uncomfortable; watch out for where your eyes wander. For example, do not casually look at the people sitting outside Dunkin’ Donuts or the wall across from Walgreens, they will look back and win whatever impromptu staring contest you’ve just started. 3.) The Jackass in Front: This driver is usually spotted in an Escalade or unnecessarily huge SUV blaring music, insisting on driving up on everyone’s ass, running lights at the very last second, and braking sporadically. You, on the other hand, are stuck behind them, staring at their rearview mirror trying to convey with your eyes that you’re overwhelmed with fear by their driving practices. 2.) The Runner: Five minutes before class, backpack strapped securely on and laces tied up tightly, the runner is that one kid who has dwindling minutes to get from where he is to where he absolutely needs to be. He will use every open moment in the traffic to book it across the street. 1.) The Hot Dog-Costumed Kid: And in lieu of Halloween, the scariest thing seen on Main Street was the takedown of a rogue hot dog on the run. Near Ali Baba, whistles blared while two cops in clothing resembling Reno 911, sprinted after the daring hot dog. The officers tackled the hot dog in the courtyard beside the Washington Place apartments and cuffed him away to his final resting place behind bars, or on a plate.
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1/2 Price Salads 11am-4pm, Seafood Night, DJ Nii Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $4 Long Island Ice Teas, $4 Fireball and Blue Ball Shots
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MON.
All Day and Night! $2 Single You Call Its $10 Cover Charge Free Admission w/ UD I.D.
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1/2 Price Wings, DJ Kevin Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!
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The Black Sheep Interviews: Indie Director Todd Sklar By: Brendan “Film director,” you think flashing lights, red carpet treatment, the power to just…Steve if you don’t get this take right you are finished in this town, do you hear me?! Not so fast, what about those directors still hauling themselves up one rung of the Hollywood ladder at a time? Todd Sklar is one of these indie directors, and with his recent release, Awful Nice, making the rounds, we decided to chat with him to see what the life of an up-and-coming director is actually like.
life. If you want to be doing it, it’s all-encompassing. It’s bad. You’re always doing work, thinking about doing work, finding work, doing work to get more work, if you’re not working you feel like you’re wasting time… Any career where you’re in a situation where you’re pursuing something outside of that nine-to-five, you have to work nonstop to get there, whether it’s a start-up, even an athlete. It’s all-encompassing if you want to be good.
The Black Sheep: You were a college student who dropped out to pursue a career in film, what was the impetus for that? Todd Sklar: I had an absolute blast in college. I loved it. I probably didn’t work hard enough studying, but I’d say I used most of what I’d learnt in college—both inside the classroom and out—after I left the University of Missouri. It helped me in the career I chose, but also helped refine what I wanted to do in that career. It was finding passion in filmmaking, and realizing the career I was looking towards was not one you typically go to college for, then landed a job after. I should note that this was halfway through my fifth year of college— I was a fifth-year senior when I recognized that a degree in theater acting would not help me become a filmmaker.
TBS: You say you fell into directing to better convey your writing vision, how do you balance working with people, but getting across the vision you set for yourself? Todd: I don’t know. I’ve only done a few features, I don’t know if I’ve figured that out yet, because in my experience, I’ve had great people and horrible people. The great people, they’re doing things and helping you through things that are so big, that these talented people help you make your ideas better. It’s incredible. I’ve had the other side too, people who are miserable to work with that and extremely unable to do the job they’re supposed to do. In that case it’s the most frustrating thing in the world, but you can’t do it any better either. It’s very dependent on the people you’re working with. It’s more about them than it is about you.
TBS: How do you get to the point where you’re directing your own films? Todd: I started making shorts, trying to learn how to make movies. I made a lot of bad ones for a while. I made like, fifteen horrible, horrible short films before I made one that was kind of good. I made my second one that was okay, and it was so much work I decided I wanted to make a feature next. After that, I had an idea that was a feature, I was 23 at the time, I watched 3 movies a night with DVD commentary. I gave it a go to see how it works. It was a learning experience—you learn while you’re doing it.
TBS: Your new movie, Awful Nice, how did that change or mature over the span of the creative process? Todd: It changed drastically. We did not have a very good shoot on this movie and the final movie is a shell of the script we wrote. In a weird way it became its own movie when we were shooting it, and again when we were editing it. The movie came out with a lot more physical comedy, a lot quicker, punchier than the script. Films, in a lot of ways, become indicative of what you’re going through at the time, and this film in specific, I was going through some growing pains, and the movie reflects that.
TBS: What does a director do, exactly? Todd: I come from a different background than a lot of directors. I never wanted to be a director, I always wanted to be a storyteller, and writing always comes first. Directing, for me, is making sure what comes out is the story that we wrote. As a result, I’m very much an actors’ director. All you’re doing is trying to get a bunch of other people to do things with you and for you, to get your story across. Usually you’re doing that because you can’t do what they do. If I knew how to get great sound, I could do it, but there’s a guy who is doing it because he’s better at it than I am. He can elevate my results. It’s a pretty humbling, and uh, terrible job.
TBS: Are there benefits to sticking in the indie genre, or is it more people do this so they can go to a studio? Todd: For me, the stories I’m interested in telling and the style I’m interested in telling them tend towards mainstream commercial sensibilities. To be able to transition from independent filmmaker to studio filmmaker you either need to have a lot of confidence and trust in people you’ll be working with, or you have to have a complete lack of care for your story, or it has to be about your career, or you have to be obsessed with the technical side of things. For me, I’m not a technically gifted filmmaker, so transitioning from an independent filmmaker to a studio filmmaker has a lot to do with confidence in myself as a filmmaker. I’ve had an opportunity for studio work, but it’s not something I’m dying to do quite yet.
TBS: How all-encompassing is what you’re doing? Todd: It’s definitely destroys any ability to have a normal
TBS: And speaking of the difference between studio and indie movies, with Awful Nice, you have a pretty big star in Christopher Merloni. Were you concerned at all with if or how he’d pull weight? Todd: All of my problems thus far with filmmaking has come from crew, not from the actors. There’s very much this level of professionalism—I’ll say this: When you have trouble with actors, they’re not invested in the project. In Awful Nice, all of the actors were invested in the project, and they were so helpful in covering up some chaos created by the crew. Very fortunate to have actors like that, and Merloni specifically was exceptionally helpful, not just as an actor, but as a mentor, a guy who came in and gave notes in a script that had nothing to do with his character. TBS: How do you deal with outside criticism, both positive and negative? Todd: You have to take it with a grain of salt. But, for me, there’s two goals: To tell the story in the best way possible, but to also get better in telling the story. So, both positive and negative criticism help better that process by letting you know what you did well, or if someone’s critiquing something, it can tell you what you could be doing better, or where you may have failed story-wise. TBS: Is this a good time, historically, for someone who wants to get involved in moviemaking to do so? Todd: It’s the best time in the history of our existence to be doing this. At the same time, I think the danger to that is that it’s something you can do for a while before you realize it’s not what you want to be doing. I equate it to joining the army. I assume that if you join the Army, you’ll figure out pretty quickly whether or not it’s for you. Filmmaking isn’t like that. Especially nowadays, there’s so many ways to work that you can do it for five or ten years before you realize it’s not for you. There’s such a low barrier of entry, that there’s also such a low barrier to getting more deeply involved with it. The playing field has leveled out quite a bit. TBS: On IMDB a user named JonCharbineux writes, “Todd and Alex came home with my one of my roommates, who was trying to get laid, but they ditched her and stayed up watching die hard with me our other roommate until about 4am. We made ice cream pancakes and popped in Die Hard 2 and I passed out shortly after. When I woke up the next morning, Todd was in my bed and Alex was in Ben’s (my other roommate) and we were both on the couch. We found out later that they stole a bunch of our beer and a box of trisquits. WTF? “ Care to comment? Todd: Wow, when did that happen? That definitely sounds like something I’d do, but not recently. When was this written? TBS: April 2010. Todd: Oh yeah, I know exactly who that is, and yes, that did happen. 2010 was a weird year for everyone.
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Single Favorite Drink: Cherry cheesecake Favorite Shot: Tequila Disgusting Drink: Bacardi 151, I vowed to never drink it again. If you could replace the turkey as Thanksgiving’s centerpiece, what food would you replace it with?: Honey baked ham or enchiladas. What three items goes in your college cornucopia?: A bike, a quiet place to study, and a kegerator. What balloon would you float in the Macy’s Day Parade?: Garfield.
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How concerned are you that the turkey getting the presidential
pardon ends up spending a bunch of your hard-earned money on Obamacare?: The turkey’s just like all of us: trying to survive. What fast food item would be better if it were made with turkey?: Turkey tacos for Taco Bell. How racist is the phrase “BLACK Friday”?: I would say not racist at all... very little to minimum racism. But for real, dark meat or light meat?: White meat. What if turkeys were actually made out of horses?: Honestly I’d be happy. I’m not really a fan of horses. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because there is a dire need for collegiate satire.
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Study Reveals
Real Use of Facebook By: Carolyn Beatty
“Yeah, I guess you could say I look at my page a lot,” sophomore Brittany Maybel says. “I want to make sure I seem really fun-loving and cool. Like, I just want to make sure it looks really great for when other people look at it, you know?”
“I’m not really positive, because I’m not too great at math and all. If I had to guess, I would probably guess that I look at my friends’ Facebooks, like, never,” junior Katherine Natolla admits. In spite of her poor math skills, she’s not alone. “If their lives were actually interesting, they would have their own reality TV show on TLC,” anonymous freshman Lyle Kingston revealed. “So, why should I waste my time researching other people to see how their new puppies or babies are coming along? My time is valuable.” “Yes, of course I want to know what’s going on in my friends’ lives, but that’s what face-to-face interactions are for. Facebook is for making sure everyone else thinks I look super interesting,” senior Dwayne Darby said about this issue. “Do I feel guilty about it? No. Why should I? My life is totally interesting!” This statement was followed by a nervous chuckle and incessant twitching. When the results were revealed, the University of Delaware
Tells People to Wait By: Russel Kogan
Private interviews held by the University of Delaware in religious confessionals are revealing some not-so-surprising evidence about students’ changing habits regarding Facebook. These students, who wish to remain anonymous, admit to viewing their own Facebook profile page more often than their friends’ pages.
But are other people actually looking at it? Official universityfunded studies say nay. In a survey of one hundred people, exactly one hundred people admitted to looking at only looking at their own page, making sure their picture looked good or were getting likes on the link they recently shared before logging off.
Tiny Man Lives in Crosswalk Sign
undergrads went crazy. Many students claimed that these findings were probably true of other people, but certainly did not apply to them. Others refused to accept the data at all and instead, in their sheer depression, turned to DP Dough for comfort food. “I know people look at my Facebook page. Whenever I post anything, I always get at least eighteen likes!” exclaimed Briana Hayman, one of many outraged students. The university launched an additional study to discover who is “liking” these kids’ posts to make them believe their friends are observing, interacting with, and caring about what they do on the social network. While each picture or status update that students posted received an adequate amount of likes or comments, they were not coming from the audience that students originally believed: friends their own age. Rather, the social networking feedback was coming from older family members who had little to nothing else to do in their free time. “I’m a young wild and free college lady! Why wouldn’t people my own age want to look every single thing I post on Facebook? Maybe they could learn a thing or two about really living,” a deeply
broken Bailey Sullivan confided to The Black Sheep. M r s . S u l l i v a n , B a i l e y ’s grandmother, also shared some insight on the issue. “I’ve learned a lot from checking out Bailey-boo’s FaceSpace. First of all, apparently kids these days do not like putting a lot of clothes on. Who does?! But you gotta do it sometimes. The other thing is, I love the kid and all, very sweet girl. But I just don’t think anyone besides her doctor cares that she ate a banana with peanut butter for breakfast! It was a nice picture, I guess.” To help students cope with the difficulties of accepting these findings, the University of Delaware will be holding a series of workshops, titled “Who Cares?” These workshops will cover a variety of topics, including how else to get attention, what to spend time doing instead of Facebooking yourself, and anger management. The anger management workshop will be split into two parts: “I Speak Calmly” and “We Will Not Riot,” as the latter is a legitimate concern of university officials. For more information about this study and upcoming dates for the workshops, please look at the University of Delaware Facebook page.
The Black Sheep was standing on the corner of South College and Main when we stumbled across a tiny journal laced in gold. The walk sign, which usually says “Wait,” told us to “Pick it up.” Enthralled, we picked it up. It was a journal, and through the blood stains and loose beard hair, we could make out some words. Here’s the story it told:
ark. Our job is to save lives, one ‘Wait!’ at a time.” He explained that he belonged to a species separate from humans, Homo Crosswalkus, which adapted to have a mutualistic relationship with the jaywalkers of Newark. “Pushing the button gives us this sort of sexual pleasure, and in return, we try to save pedestrians’ lives.”
It was the summer of 1993. I stayed in Newark. I was sent by U.S. government to discover the existence of a new controversial species. There was an ancient Newark legend that at one point in time, tiny humanoids ruled the streets, a species that was known for its intricate yet mezmerizingly safe road system. Everyone thought that these ‘people’ had gone extinct, but reports prove otherwise...
I learned that his people were exiled from their homeland in Iceland after refusing to wear clothing. “Why don’t you wear clothing?” I asked. He looked down between his thighs, then looked up, then looked down again. “That’s why,” he said, and I understood.
As the summer grew to a close I began to give up hope. The governement was pulling funding and I was to leave this quiet town I called home in a few days. Then, I came upon several seemingly-inebriated Newark citizens who claimed to have witnessed a tiny, naked man roaming the streets. Each of them had only seen him for a few seconds, and details were often sketchy. I spent the night with these citizens, hoping it would lead somewhere. But it only led to more beers, and a swelling fear of wasted time as I left the bar. Then, on my way to Old College I heard a distant voice… “Wait.” What was that? “Wait.” There it was again. “Wait.” By the third time, I knew I must have been pushing his buttons. I looked down at the crosswalk button on the traffic pole. That’s when I met Harold. Hearing his voice, I knew that a man, no bigger than a toy dwarf horse, must be inside the pole. Now, I had heard of miniature people living inside poles before, but that was only at the sex carnival I worked at in my youth. This voice, Harold, he must be the link to the missing species.
“The official title for the job is ‘Wait Guy.’ Not many people know that the green walking man symbol is based off us,” he informed me. Inside the pole, Harold has enough room to play kickball by himself, though he’s usually working 24/7. Inside the base of the pole is his house, where his miniature family resides. He has a wife, one son and one daughter who live with him. According to his wife, “Harold takes his job very seriously. It’s like the only thing that man can say is ‘Wait,’” she said, perhaps expressing sexual displeasure through double entendre. But I was not interested in Harold’s love life, I was interested in Harold’s history. “Sometimes, if the police haven’t brought in enough money at the end of the month, we’ll only allow people to cross for three or four seconds,” Harold told me, alluding that there may be a widespread conspiracy concerning the Newark Police Department… But if there were a conspiracy, wouldn’t the FBI know about it? Why would the send me on this wild goose chase. Have I stumbled onto something bigg-Here the journal cut off, with blood caked thick into the pages. But we can’t deny the story and truths it told. The next time you impatiently jab your finger into the crosswalk button, think about the Homo Crosswalkus species, and the lives of the little people who work all day to prevent you from getting hit by a car.
So, I did what he told me to do. I waited until it was time for the little man to come out. On February 30, 5:00 a.m., he finally stepped out into the sunlight. A nine-inch naked man, he was pale and as skinny as a malnourished Somalian boy. I struggled to ignore his nakedness. Upon stepping out, I immediately inquired as to why he was there. “I am Harold,” he said, “protector of pedestrians crossing Main Street. My brothers and I are scattered throughout New-
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Girl unaware that her every interaction ruins someone else’s good time For nearly six years, University of Delaware sophomore Christina Chazikov has remained blissfully unaware that every interaction she has with another person ruins someone else’s good time.
By: Dillon McLaughlin
She began elementary school as an adorable, energetic child and left as a slightly annoying, but ultimately tolerable presence. Her condition deteriorated through high school and has culminated in her becoming the worst thing to happen to any social situation. “I was having a perfectly pleasant conversation with a few of my band friends when suddenly Christina jumps right in,” complained Jimmy Haverfield, a sophomore music major. “It was just as I was getting to the good part too, where the professor rips his pants as he bends over to get the chalk. But she came over and tore the foundation for the punchline right out from under me.” Chazikov has a history of haplessly flailing into stories at their climax. She once interrupted Haverfield’s random encounter with Jerry Seinfeld on a New York City street corner, ruining Haverfield’s chance to recreate the magic his young self felt during his first viewing of the
popular sitcom Seinfeld. “It’s not like it’s hard to read social cues,” Haverfield moaned. “If I’m talking to a world famous comedian, you don’t smash into the conversation with something as inane as ‘Hey Jimmy, fancy meeting you here. What’d you have for lunch? Who’s this guy?” Haverfield recalled that as Seinfeld left, it looked as though he had decided he would never speak to another fan on the street. “I remember my first frat party with her,” said Chazikov’s freshman year roommate Suzie Gordman. “We walked in and the music literally stopped. Everyone looked at her and one guy in the back broke down into tears. He blubbered something about a broken childhood and buried his face in the basement dirt corner.” Chazikov’s mother, Cecilia, said of Christina’s inability to function socially, “We tried so hard with her, but when your family reunion stops cold because someone has such a strong aversion to, and high failure rate at communal functions, well, that speaks for itself.” Mrs. Chazikov continued, “Eventually you have
to abandon a sinking ship.” She then turned to her husband sitting next to her, who looked at reporters with resolute eyes. “Ask her about her first boyfriend,” said Chazikov’s father, Borneo. “He joined the Army because at least there they cultivate a sense of familiarity. At least there you’re part of a cause. Love’s not supposed to be a place where you abandon all hope of happiness. That happens anyway.” Sources reluctantly close to Chazikov confirm that her parents haven’t called her in two years and that Chazikov grows quiet at the mention of family, as if she is on the verge of some form of an epiphany. Large rain storms rarely occur above Chazikov, as they are unwilling to have their thunder stolen. Chazikov has been compared to societal cancer, the top of the hierarchy of social pariah-ship, and a black hole where amusement goes to die, crushed to death in the dimensional singularity that is Chazikov’s soul.
Freshmen Have Good Time at Honors Housing Tour By: Joe Ziegler Fun was had by all last Monday night at the Honors housing tour, during which freshmen previewed residencies on the North and South Green for next year. About 50 students attended, marking a record high for the event. Many of them came to the tour not sure if honors housing was right for them, but were also concerned about other living options. “The Towers are expensive,” said Philip Hammond. “They don’t give you a meal plan and you have to buy all your food yourself.” When informed that it would be cheaper to eat on Main Street every day than to purchase an $8-per-meal meal plan, he expressed further doubts. “Maybe… but where’s the sense of floor community? I just don’t think you get that at the Towers,” said Hammond, a Freshman Fellow who organized a viewing of the comedy Bridesmaids during “Clint Eastwood Night” on his floor after failing to find a single Clint Eastwood movie despite a month of planning. Kelly Donovan and Rachel Weiss are
roommates in Redding Hall who plan to live together next year. “We became besties really fast,” Donovan said as she and Weiss began laughing loudly, causing several people to stop and awkwardly look over. “Rach was watching Chocolat with Johnny Depp when I moved in, and Johnny Depp is, like, my favorite actor. He’s so hot. I don’t care if he’s, like, 50 now.” Donovan also noted the differences between the North and South Green. “South Green, library. North Green, well, Main Street is right there,” she noted. “But Melissa is moving into Cannon and if I have to see her smug face one more time I swear I’ll kill myself.” “Please don’t publish that.” Weiss was very impressed with the Brown Hall stairwell. She lives on the third floor of Redding, and said she is tired of walking up the stairs every day.
“They are super ugly. These stairs are neat, kinda rustic. I could see myself walking on them a lot.” Weiss then lowered her voice and talked out of the corner of her mouth. “Have you seen the stairs in the Towers? Ew.” Kevin McDonald and Chris Bryant are also roommates who want to live together next year. Both are torn between Sharp Hall and Harter Hall. “Sharp has nice, wide hallways. Good for hallway Frisbee. But Harter…” McDonald looked at Bryant, who whistled loudly, causing several people to stop and awkwardly look over. “Small, tight hallways. Imagine the accuracy.”
signal for attention. After explaining that he would be taking an invite-only class on leadership next semester, he organized the remaining honors students into various subcommittees tasked with drawing up possible action plans for the six slices of pizza.
complished a lot.”
After the tour, Seasons Pizza and Pepsi were provided. When the students had all taken two slices, there were still six left. “We weren’t sure what to do at first. It wouldn’t be fair for some of us to get extra,” said Hammond. Bryant then stood up on a table in the Brown Hall lounge and put his arms out to
“We worked really well together – as a team, that is,” said Bryant. “I think we ac-
At the end of the night, all the students agreed that Independence is “hella gay.”
Two hours later, after the committees presented their reports, it was discovered that the slices had been taken by a single unidentified upperclassman passing by the room an hour and fifty minutes earlier.
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junior transfers out of Embarrassment Last month, Christina Boop*, a junior at the University of Delaware forgot to wear a bra to class.
On the day of the accident, Boop wore a fitted long sleeved shirt but forgot her sweater — an irreparable mistake.
The Black Sheep is the first paper to keep the public abreast about the October catastrophe. Boop asked for anonymity so she can transfer quietly, start anew, and move this incident behind her. This accident caused enough humiliation to cause Boop, a marketing major, to transfer. She said people were conspicuously pointing at her while in sitting in Perkins, walking to and from class throughout the day. The worst offenders didn’t hide their chuckles as she entered her Smith Hall lecture late. It wasn’t until she walked into her house around 5p.m. that her roommate said she was “looking pretty nippley.”
“It was white. I thought it couldn’t get worse than that until it started raining. I thought there was some deal on pepperonis all day until I realized it was me,” said Boop. “Rock hard pepperonis, ready to be cheesed. That’s me they were talking about, ready to be cheesed,” she shamefully admitted while turning a shade of red.
Her roommate, Samantha Wilson*, said although she found some humor in it, she also felt for her. “It was a traumatic experience we hope others can learn from.”
“Kirkbride Jesus said I was sinning. Someone tweeted at me that I made it on @ UDBoobs. The caption read ‘Girl provides titillating experience in downpour.’” Boop reported a meeting with her older male professor in which he had incorrectly marked her test. She claims in the meeting his eyes were glued to her chest. She said he gave her the points back but did so by playfully elbowing her and saying “You’re really racking up the points, aren’t you?”
By: Alexis Miller
The Black Sheep managed to catch up with her professor and went undercover to interview about students visiting office hours and grade correlations. He later wanted his name protected for legal reasons. “Oh Boob? Eh, Boop? She’s a great student. She came in the other day for help but I had some trouble concentrating. That was a long, hard day for me. “ Boop claims she was so preoccupied with her course load and tests during midterms, she simply forgot to put a bra on. “It was ironic because the midterm I had that day was on the women’s reproductive system. I also had a paper I was writing at Perkins for WOMS on modesty and women’s rights.” Unfortunately, it’s a mistake that will haunt her forever. Her roommates are disappointed she’s moving away after such a silly incident.
Wilson said “No one was even looking at her face — I don’t see why she thinks everyone’s going to remember her.” She’s wrapping up the semester, and once she’s home for winter break, says she’s never looking back. Boop plans on taking community college classes to finish her junior year, and is applying to several schools near her home of Blue Ball, Ohio. As Boop moves on from University of Delaware, The Black Sheep wishes her the best of luck with her future endeavors. Although many believe she’s overreacting and should embrace her womanhood
and accept her milk makers, her self-image is shattered. We hope the ladies out there learn from this story and make the most of a rock hard situation. Wilson provides an uplifting view on life and bad situations: “Hard or soft, up or down, body functions happen, get over it. Lack of bra, eh no biggie. Let the girls hang wild and free. Guys will love it; girls might be jealous, whatever let them be. Live life like the jugs are half full, not half empty.” *Names have been changed to protect identity.
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