Vol. 6, Issue 6
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FRE
E.. IN P . LIKE UBL THE IC B TOIL ATH ET P ROO APE MS R .
4/24/14 - 5/7/14
FRESHMAN WHO WILL ONE DAY CURE CANCER
PASSES OUT, SOILS PANTS ON BENCH OUTSIDE LITTLE BOB PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS On Saturday around 3:30a.m., Patrick Fields, the student who will one day create an effective treatment that reverses cancerous cell growth, lost consciousness and bowel control on a cold, wet bench outside the Bob Carpenter Center. Fields, a biomedical engineering student who will graduate with a 3.9 GPA and head an oncology research team at the University of California—Berkeley, stumbled upon the bench at 3:22 after running across the brick pathway outside of the Little Bob. He had just physically collided with it, resulting in what will be found to be a hairline fracture in his kneecap.
“I DON’T SUPPORT POLICE BRUTALITY, BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I’LL THINK ABOUT IT AND IT MAKES ME SMILE. THIS WAS DEFINITELY ONE OF THOSE TIMES.” “lol turn dwwn for wht,” Fields commented in a text message he sent to his friend at 3:25. Sources who saw Fields say that in the five minutes before he fell asleep in his drunken stupor, it was unclear if he was actually done partying or not. “He seemed to be trying to get up, but at the same time his upper body started to lie down. It was like his legs were fighting the rest of his body,” reported a Newark police officer who preferred to remain anonymous. “I’m supposed to go over and check out the situation right away, but it
was pretty entertaining.” Another bystander confirmed that at about 3:27, with the hand that would one day shake the hand of the chairman of the Nobel Prize Committee and rest on the shoulders of thousands of saved patients, the 2029 Time Man of the Year caught a yellow stream of his own chunky vomit, which he then wiped on the muddy ground. Things turned sour as Fields drifted asleep, loosening his muscles in a process he’ll learn about in future physiology classes, and defecated his pants. “At some point I realized that his legs were doing this weird crab-walk-type thing, and the rest of his body wasn’t moving, so I went over to assess the situation. Looking back, that’s probably the time he crapped his pants. He also boofed somewhere along the timeline,” said the unnamed officer. At 3:29, the future professor of biochemistry at the California Institute of Technology, who would coincidentally make his findings through research on colon cells, had fallen victim to the impaired motor ability of intoxication, as well as the effects of a diet that has very little fiber. “ug wtf wher u i gota poop,” Fields commented in another text message to the same friend, which was followed by an emoji symbol of a smiling brown triangle.
This was his last recorded comment before his brain involuntarily lost conscious and his bowels relaxed, letting flow a thin stream of diarrhea that seeped through his jeans and drizzled onto the wet brick below him. “Sometimes the students make me seriously reevaluate my life choices. I like my
job. But every once in a while, you’re staring at a pile of liquid shit, and you know there’s going to be a kid sitting in the back of your car on top of his own feces, and you’ll have to clean it up in the morning,” said the officer. “I don’t support police brutality, but every once in a while I’ll think about it and it makes me smile. This was definitely one of those times.”
When reached for comment, Fields said very little due to a mixture of dehydration and shame, but he did say “I’m never drinking that much again,” a promise to himself he’ll refute in 2025 at a national oncology research convention, where he will urinate in a row of display petri dishes and pass out on the floor.
PAGE 4 DELAWARE GIRL WINS BEST PROFILE PICTURE CONTEST
PAGE 7 IDEAS FOR MEMORABLE LIBRARY BOOK BAG INSPECTIONS
PAGE 13 WARM WEATHER SIGNALS NEW STUDENT MATING SEASON
CRAMMING EVERY CLICHE INTO ONE PHOTO SURE WORKS WONDERS.
A LION CUB? HUNDRED DOLLS BILLS, YA’LL? A GLOBE? THE LIST GOES ON.
AFTER BEING COOPED UP ALL WINTER, THE KIDS ARE STARTING TO GET FRISKY.
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DELAWARE GIRL WINS BEST PROFILE PICTURE CONTEST BY CRAMMING ALL CLICHÉS INTO ONE PHOTO SHANNON POULSEN WROTE THIS
Marissa LaRosa successfully mastered the ultimate Facebook profile picture last Wednesday when she crammed all Facebook clichés into one Instagram-filtered photo and won a highly prized photo contest. The profile picture contains LaRosa holding the hand of an impoverished child from the Dominican Republic, squatting with her sorority family, and standing on a Colorado mountain cliff while wearing Halloween mouse make-up, an “I’m 21 bitch” birthday sash, and a really cute shirt from Forever 21. Those at JustGirlThingsAndMore. com hosted the contest in order to judge who is the “bestest cool girl at sosh-medi-ah,” and awarded the winner $500 to spend on a single Michael Kors purse. As per the contest rules, only one kind of photo editing was allowed: an application of an Instagram filter. LaRosa claims that her photo adheres to the regulations. “This photo was like, purely
coincidental. Though, if like, I had to have a visual resume, which I probably will need for my marketing internship, this picture captures everything I love in life.”
as a “volun-tourism” trip, in the Dominican Republic this past spring break, where she met and “fell in love with” Asisi Malaka, the small boy in the photo.
Others in the contest argue that the photo was not real.
“Asisi was SO chill. He was the cutest thing. Even though his family had nothing, he had my hand, and I’m so glad I captured that moment,” said LaRosa. “I paid for his ticket to come to the Colorado Mountains for the photo, ‘cause like, I’m privileged and he’s not…? It’s not fair he doesn’t get to see cool scenery like me.”
“Um, HELLO? A picture like that can NOT be real. My photo, the one where I’m standing on a beach raft throwing glitter in the air, is totally better. Do you know how hard it was to balance on a floating raft? And to get that beach body? And to ask my house-maid to clean the glitter out of the pool filter? I had to WORK for my photo. Marissa did NOT -- she Photoshopped her way to number one.” As for the individual aspects of the photo, each part checks out. By asking her friends and searching through her open Facebook page, The Black Sheep was able to verify the photo was real. LaRosa completed an alternative break, sometimes referred to
LaRosa’s best friend and sorority sister, Amanda Marino, confirmed that LaRosa’s entire sorority family was there too. “We sisters were totally down for the trip. I’d do anything to support Marissa, and if that means asking my parents to buy me a plane ticket to Colorado, then I’ll do it,” said Marino. As for the mountain, LaRosa said she was attending a marketing-media conference in Aspen.
“Our records indicate that Marissa LaRosa did indeed receive an excused absence for classes by attending the PinkCandyToys marketing conference” said UD administrator Terrence Karry. “Furthermore, the University of Delaware also believes that LaRosa’s picture was the best.” The other aspects of the photo demonstrate the “parties” LaRosa missed when she was busy volunteering for the Newark Manor. “I missed my 21st birthday (sad face!), Halloween (double sad face!!) and casual mixers when I was donating my time to the super-sweet older folks. It sucks to miss them the first time, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be celebrated!” said LaRosa. She then giggled and blankly stared at the wall across her. The judges of the contest were extremely impressed with her ability to squeeze in as many points as possible. LaRosa, however, did not get the maximum total points on the photo-grading scale.
Lotsa
Other points she could have earned: - One point for containing a sunset. - One point for being “#natural,” defined as not wearing make-up. - One point for wearing an Alex and Ani bracelet. - Two points for having a photo with a significant other. - Two points for captioning the photo with a song lyric. - Three points for thanking God in her application. LaRosa’s caption, “Live life like it’s your last,” garnered one point for being an inspirational quote, but was the area she earned the least amount of points.
“Definitely will step up the caption game next time,” Larosa sighed, “I’m so glad I have Instagram to practice on.” LaRosa hopes to inspire those to achieve future Facebook success, citing the point-guide as the best way to increase one’s likes on Facebook. “Just open your heart, and your bank account, schedule, mind, fashionsense, and mind again, and you’ll get 100-plus likes” said LaRosa, “and you’ll be a winner like me in no time.”
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AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OBSCURE WORD, AND WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF IT? Mackenzie
“Dracarys, it means to make your dragon breath fire in Game of Thrones.”
Dani
“Abraxas, it’s a gem engraved with a mystical word and bearing an animal figure.”
Amanda
“Onomonopeia, it’s when the word sounds like what it means.”
06
THE
TOP
TEN
IDEAS FOR MEMORABLE LIBRARY BOOK BAG INSPECTIONS
a’s!
erit argh
M at at E e om
C
TIMOTHY ABEL WROTE THIS The exit gate book bag check at the Hugh Morris Library is a simple but monotonous task that one must endure every time that they want to exit the building. However, it doesn’t always have to be that way. Below you will find a compilation of items and ideas that can spice up your 10-second bag checker inspection. 10.) Packing peanuts: Unzip your book bag to reveal a pasty white ball pit of styrofoam clusters, and watch the bag checker glare with desire. When they subconsciously reach out to dig for gold, snatch your bag away and remind them of the policy, “you can look, but you can’t touch.” 9.) A lion cub: Recommended for late night library departures, tell the bag checker that “the lion sleeps tonight” before allowing them to glance inside your bag. Brace yourself for shock and awe as you pop your bag open to reveal one of nature’s pre-pubescent kings lying peacefully in the bottom of your JanSport. 8.) Wads of hundred-dollar bills: Turn to the bag checker and tell them “C.R.E.A.M.,” and proudly pop open your bag. Give them a quick peek and pop out. 7.) Fill your bag to the brim with sand: Upon approaching the bag checking area, be sure to exaggerate your frustration with the exit procedure. Let out a few whimpers, plop your book bag down on the desk before the exit, and rip the zipper open. Proceed to let the loose sand spew out from all crevices of the bag, stare the bag checker in the eye, and slowly shake your head in discontent. 6.) Walk up with your book bag inside out: During bag-check-out peak hours, approach the departure area with your book bag turned inside out (a.k.a. turtled), and act like it caught you off guard. Spend as much time as possible un-turtling it at the front of the check out line. 5.) A globe: These fit nicely inside of book bags, and will leave the bag checker thinking about the planet. Earth Day is fast approaching, might as well raise awareness during a forced social interaction!
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4.) A Jack in the box: Crank it up and let her rip as you open up your book bag. Be sure to let out a bellow of three-year-old hysteria and skip through the exit gates. Do not look back. 3.) Cigarette cartons and lottery tickets: Try working up a good sweat and scrambling up to the bag check area with these items. You will strike concern in the bag checker’s heart and it will inevitably force them to feel as though they invaded your privacy. Pass along a concerning nod, widen your eyes, and go on your way. 2.) A towel, sandals, and a bathing suit: Tell the bag checker that there is a pool on the fourth floor of the library. Show them the contents of your bag. Do it every time that you go to the library so that all of the bag checkers start to discuss the pool on the fourth floor. They’ve never been anywhere else besides that desk. 1.) An actual library book: Test the waters and see if the employee is doing their job. Do not actually steal a book from the library, but see if you can pull a “you had one job!” on the book bag checker. They have it easy anyway.
GET OUT THOSE
SEXY LITTLE BLACK DRESSES! LITTLE BLACK DRESS PARTY TUESDAY, APRIL 29th WITH JEFE AND DJ ANDREW HUGH
$4 DOUBLE LIT’S EVERY TUESDAY!
COME SEE WHAT ALL THE FUN IS ABOUT DeerParkTavern.com • 108 W Main St., Newark, Delaware
The Bar Grid ALI BABA Sunday Funday All Day Happy Hour Drinks! $2 16oz Domestic Drafts, $3 22oz Domestic Drafts, $2 Rail Drinks & 1/2 price glasses of house wine
SPECIAL NIGHT
Everyday! $3 12oz beers, $5 off hookah with purchase of 2 entrees
Ole After Hours (Everyday, 10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
GET OUT THOSE DRESSES! Little Black Dress Party 4/29
THURSDAY
Free upgrade to a fruit head hookah with the purchase of two entrees
Live Entertainment! $2 Drafts $4 Mojitos, Margaritas Infusion Drinks Ole After Hours (10pm to Close)
All You Can Eat Wings (5PM - close) $2 Rail Drinks (all day) 1/2 Price Burgers 11:30am-3pm, House Music w/ DJ Andrew Hugh
$6 pitchers Miller Lite, Coors Light, or Yuengling, $5 House Margaritas 8-close
$5 Long Island Ice Teas
$3 Coronas, $2 Drafts Ole After Hours (10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
$5 All Bombs, All Day, Everyday Epic Sound DJs NO COVER!
Happy Hour 3-7PM: $2 16oz domestic drafts, $3 22oz domestic drafts, $2 rail drinks, and 1/2 prices glasses of house wine 3-6PM $5 selected apps
$3 All 12oz Beer
Spanish Brunch 11 am to 3 pm, $3 Mimosas During Brunch $3 Bud Light, $2 Drafts Ole After Hours (10pm to Close)
$2.50 Captain Morgan Drinks, All Day, Everyday Live Local Music! No Cover (w/ student id)
8-close: $4 Pinnacle Vodka drinks
SUNDAY
Free appetizer with purchase of 2 entrees
Spanish Brunch 11 am to 3 pm, $3 Mimosas During Brunch Desserts 50% off from 3 to close Ole After Hours (10pm to Close)
Sunday Funday w/ Brunch (9AM-2PM) $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar Chorduroy Live, No Cover
Sunday Funday All Day Happy Hour Drinks! $2 16oz Domestic Drafts, $3 22oz Domestic Drafts, $2 Rail Drinks & 1/2 price glasses of house wine
MONDAY
$3 12oz Dogfish Head, Free $5 appetizer with purchase of two entrees
$2.50 Montaditos (Spanish Sliders, $3 Buds Ole After Hours (10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials, $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
1/2 Price Appetizers 5pmClose, $5 Off Big Beer Bottles Showtime Trivia at 8:30PM
Moonshine Monday 8pm - Close: $5 Ole Smoky Moonshine Drinks
$5 off hookah with purchase of 2 entrees
$2.50 Empanadas, $2 Drafts Ole After Hours (10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
$4 Double LIT’s Every Tuesday!
Trivia starts at 8PM with your chance to win $20, $30 or $50 in Turtle Bucks $5 House Long Islands 8-close
$3 12oz Blue Moon
$3 Captian Morgan, $2 Draft Beers, $5 Flatbread Pizzas Ole After Hours (10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
1/2 Price Nachos and Quesadillas All Day, $10 Pitchers of Long Island Iced Tea, $1.50 Tacos, $3 Corona and Corona Light, $3 Margaritas, $2.50 Taylor’s Grog Draft, Karaoke!
Live Music 9:30-close $3.50 Bottles of Dogfish 90, Anchor Steam, Sierra Nevada, Heavy Seas, Hop City, Flying Dog, Otter Creek
FRIDAY SATURDAY
TUESDAY WEDNESDAY
With Jefe and DJ Andrew Hugh $4 Double LIT’s Every Tuesday!
Kids eat free all day long with the purchase of an adult entrée
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid
DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy and Vodka, $3 Blue Moon Pints, $3 25oz Coors Lights $4 Tall Svedkas
$5 Pubwiches, $2 Rail Pints, $5 Bomb Drinks, Car Bombs & Irish Trash Cans, DJ Collision 10pm
1/2 Price Wings, DJ Kevin Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!
International Night with DJ BIS No Cover! $2.50 Bud Light, $3.50 Corona $3 Whatevers
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
Happy Hour! 6pm - 8pm: $2 Select Drafts, 1/2 Price Apps $3 Bartender’s Choice, $3 Flavored Pinnacle Drinks, DJ Collision 10pm
1/2 Price Salads 11am-4pm, Seafood Night, DJ Nii Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $4 Long Island Ice Teas, $4 Fireball and Blue Ball Shots
Live Acoustic Music from 6 - 10 College Night! $3 Bacardi Oakheart Mugs, $2 24oz Drafts
Brunch 11am - 2pm, Live DJ 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Washington Apples
Book Your Event or Party! Call 302-738-0808
Chef's Special! DJ 9pm $2.50 Coors Light
SAT.
Brunch 10am - 2pm, 1/2 Price Entrees 4pm - 10pm, 1/2 Price Apps 9pm - Close 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Rails
Lazy Day with Luke and Ashley, $3 Mimosas All Day
All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs for $19 $2.50 Coors Light
SUN.
1/2 Price Apps 4-7PM
$6 Nacho Night! Seafood, Taco, Supreme, Chicken or Pulled Pork $2.50 Coors Light
MON.
Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar until 3pm
$3 Carlsberg, $3 Fireball and Bartender’s Choice, $4 Red Bull Vodka, DJ Infamos (9pm-1am)
Wednesday - Wings and Yuengs
$2.50 COORS LIGHT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!
$12 Dinner Entrees, 1/2 Priced Bottles of Wine Free Hapy Hour Taco Buffet! $2.50 Coors Light College Night!
FREE Happy Hour Carving Station 9pm - Close: $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts, $3 Rail Drinks, SoCo Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls., $4 Captain Morgan Drinks, $5 Senor Creepy
FRI.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
Tuesday - Karaoke Night
THURS.
ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles, $4.50 RBVs
SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Hour! Monday-Thursday, 6pm-8pm 1/2 Prize Apps, 22oz Draft Specials, $3 Beer of the Month Pints
EVERYDAY: $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar until 3pm 1/2 Off Entrees, $3 22oz Bud Light, $3 Call Drinks
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Leinenkugel Pints
Wing Night! $0.35 Wings, $3 22oz Yuengling, $2 Rail Pints Pub Quiz: Win Prizes! 9- 12am
$6.99 All You Can Eat Pizzas, Breadsticks and Bolis! 5-8pm All Day and Night! $2 Single You Call Its, $10 Cover Charge Free Admission w/ UD I.D.
Burger Night! $5 1/2 lb. Burgers $2 Rail Pints & Bud Light Pints, $3 16oz Long Island Pints, $4 Fireball Karaoke Dance Party! 10pm
1/2 Price Nachos, Quizzo Tuesday Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!
Karaoke from 9-1am! $3 Singles, $5 Doubles
$0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $2.50 Coors Light
TUES.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Weinhard's IPA
COUNTRY NIGHT! $5 Craic Nachos, $3 Pinnacle Flavors, $2 Miller Lite DJ Big Country
1/2 Price Sandwiches and Salads, 1/2 Price Appetizers 9-close, Live Music Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Blue Moon, $3 Captain Drinks
Wings and Yuengs $0.55 Wings, $2 Yuenglings
Half Price Burgers
WED.
Half Price Burgers, Salsa Night Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Wells, $4 Fireball Shots
ten People You’ll See at This Summer’s Music Festivals tex mex wrote this
Well, it’s about that time of the year again. The time when millions of prospective concert-goers spend an arm and a leg on weekend-long summer music festivals without the slightest idea of who’s slated to perform. The pre-festival hype period is a time where parents’ bank accounts are mysteriously emptied of $300, old and new fans alike bitch and complain over whether or not this year’s lineup for a fest is complete shit or not, and drama ensues as you try to figure out who in the hell out of your friends is cool with driving to the stretches of the nation just to see someone you missed at a club show a month ago. Whether you’re an arrogant prick who hates humans and prefers smaller venues, or an obnoxious self-proclaimed hippie who loves nothing more than taking drugs at “festies” and shitting out rainbows, if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that festivals bring out the most diverse group of people outside of a UN meeting. Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, Pitchfork, Firefly, Electric Forest – doesn’t matter – be on the lookout for these 10 people who you are guaranteed to see, whether you like it or not.
ten people you’ll see at this summer’s music festivals 10.) Girls Wearing Flower Crowns
4.) The Kids who Pass out on Alcohol/Drugs
For whatever reason, coating their arms with badges of honor from every festival they’ve gone to so far isn’t colorful enough, in spite of the mold that’s growing on that Coachella bracelet. Flower crowns seem like a way to say “I’m earthly and care about nature” or some bullshit that would normally take a trending Tumblr image to explain. That’s at least all we can come up with, because there’s no way in hell that these things are actually being worn because they look good. Still, we’d take a ring of plastic flowers from Hobby Lobby over the majority of things that people dress themselves with at EDM fests.
Look, we’re not stupid; we understand that no amount of “just go to festivals for the MUSIC” PSAs aren’t stopping anyone from bringing along their favorite vodkas and illicit drugs. It’s a festival, for crissake. But you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who’s totally okay with some high school grad puking on his shoes halfway through a set from drinking warm Natty for three hours. The same can be said for people who roll a little too hard during the day. Too much ecstasy won’t leave as big of a mess, but no one likes the guy lugging his half-dead girlfriend out of the crowd, screaming as if this was a surprise to him.
3.) Younger Kids with Noise-Canceling Headphones on 7.) Someone Bitching about being Pushed and Shoved in a Crowd
Also known as the person who gives off a stark “Ugh…” as you try to assert yourself to the front of the stage, this is generally someone with a big enough sense of entitlement to put a teenager from SoCal to shame. For whatever reason, the fact that festivals are events designed for hundreds of thousands of people to occupy the same area at once isn’t something that registers for this poor soul who thinks a gentle tap on the shoulder is equivalent to being “like, so totally fucking rude…”
We’re not knocking this at all since we’re so used to seeing the effects of bad parenting every time we walk past Perry’s Stage at Lolla. There’s nothing more heartwarming than seeing younger fellas enjoying themselves with responsible parents who actually don’t want their kids to become deaf at the tender age of six. We’re not really sure how an environment filled with alcohol and pot fumes really meshes with this, but goddammit, they’re trying.
6.) Someone Trying to Validate their Taste in Music... at the Actual Festival
9.) The Saint who has a Spray Nozzle Attachment for his CamelBak One of the defining pastimes of music festivals is watching college kids braving 90-degree weather without water because they think they’re immune to heatstroke. When you’re packed like a sardine against thousands of sweaty, sticky people, the dude who sacrifices his own water supply for the sake of cooling off his sun-burned comrades is like God himself raining down from heaven. This guy usually dons a fishing cap with a smile, too. So, for as much as your passive aggressions build up dealing with drunken kids passing out, you’ll at least have one person to not loathe for the day.
“Oh, you actually wanna see Mumford & Sons over up-and-comers Hippopotamus Shits, who are clearly superior than that radio-tier garbage? Yeah, I’ll be over at the No Fun Stage where all the more low-key, experimental acts are for the day.” This is also the type of person willing to openly berate others for their choice in festival, often citing that “X festival is too ‘commercialized’ these days and that nobody goes for the music anymore.” This person derives their superiority complex from so-called open-mindedness, all the while sucking Pitchfork’s metaphorical dick.
8.) The 30-something-year-old Dude Who’s Only There for His Favorite Alt-Rock Band of the 90s
2.) The Towering Behemoth who’s Your Ticket to the Front of the Crowd
Not all of us were granted the God-given attribute of breaking the six-foot barrier, and that makes snaking through huge crowds more intimidating than progressive. For the vertically challenged, the train pretty much stops when you hit a wall of people who are more inclined to beat the ever-loving shit out of you than passively grouch at your advances. Enter the behemoth, otherwise known as the dude who’s getting to the front whether anyone likes it or not. Latching onto one of these suckers is a lot like being in a school of remora attached to a shark: The big dude won’t really care, and you’re safe from anyone closing gaps on you. What are they gonna do, tell your new, hulking friend that you can’t move up?
One of the select few at the fest who actually has the means to buy a ludicrously priced ticket, this guy is here for one reason and one reason only: to catch his favorite rock act from back in his teenage days, a group who’s just gotten back together or “one last tour.” Usually well-sun screened, sporting cargo shorts, New Balance gym shoes, and a black shirt that proudly displays the band’s logo, he’s completely okay with sitting on the grass hundreds of yards away from any actual stage. He’s a nice guy, just don’t talk about the band. “What’s your favorite song?” will quickly turn into “How would you analyze the band’s aesthetic moving from genre-togenre within their entire catalogue, EPs included?” real fast.
5.) The VIP-bracelet Noblemen who Look Down upon Us Peasants from their Golf Carts
Even when tickets sell out faster than you can spam “F5,” no one in their right mind actually considers spending the extra thousand dollars for a VIP pass. We’re too poor to dabble with that sorcery, but we assume that whoever’s riding on a VIP pass definitely is a “very important person,” or at least knows someone important enough to have a shit ton of cash. As they golf cart to and from the air-conditioned VIP lounge, all the rest of us “standard 3-day” people can do nothing but wallow in their awesome might … and lament on the fact that we’d honestly rather joy ride in a golf cart for three days than feel the heat of the sun and buyer’s remorse pelting us from above.
1.) More Bands You Don’t Care about Than Ones You Do
It sucks, but it’s true. From the moment the day-by-day schedule comes out and conflicts knock your lineup of a whopping 50 acts to a measly 15, you’ll realize that you’re not going to see your favorite headliner up close without sitting through at least 3 or 4 bands that you’d rather drink paint than watch. If the mediocre lineup reveal jumpstarted that buyer’s remorse, this is usually the second helping. The Black Sheep understands that heavy drinking is hazardous on such hot summer days, but you’d better drink up at this point, because that two-piece indie folk band isn’t getting better anytime soon.
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Relationship Status: Married
BARTENDER
Disgusting Drink: Brain Hemorrhage (Bailey’s, lime juice, grenadine) What’s summer like around Grotto?: We get a lot of locals, but not too many students. What drink is best in warm weather, but can’t be consumed in winter?: Orange and grapefruit crush. What clothing change are you most excited for?: Flip-flops Put two words together
What have you done for me lately?: Giving you a smart-ass remark. Do you think the robots are listening to us right now?: Yeah, and they are probably made by my people. What is your favorite obscure word, and what is the definition of it?: Ablution: Washing oneself to make clean Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s funny and different.
Favorite Drink: Bud Light bottle
ROCKSTAR OF THE WEEK Fu of Grotto DRINKING GAME Final Paper Edition Well, this is going to suck. But maybe writing your final paper for the semester won’t suck as much if you can’t remember how much it sucked! That’s right, you’re young and people still expect you to be irresponsible. Milk it for a little while longer! Grab a bottle and get to writing. What You’ll Need: Microsoft Word, a bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey, spell check. Number of People: Just you, baby. Just you. Level of Intoxication: Enough to get you through the next 1,500 words. How to Play: - Go to your backpack and get out your prompt for your final paper. - Laugh and put it away without reading. You’re going to freestyle this one. - Take six-to-eight shots as fast as you can. Open Microsoft Word and get going. - After 10 minutes, when you make it through the first four pages of your paper, take a full cup of that bad boy. You’re going to need it. Everyone knows the hardest parts of papers are the last few pages. - Shit, did that last paragraph even make sense? Who cares. All you need is a D- and you pass the class. Also, even if it was all gibberish, it will still look a lot better than the paragraph before it where you copy and pasted the Declaration of Independence. - Rip another shot for creativity! How many has that been now? Who cares, this is a paper, not a math test. That last drip from the bottle should get you to the end of the paper. If not, just give up. You’re way too drunk. The Game Ends When: Nice job! You did it. Now that you’re finished with the paper, you’re all done with that class. Until next semester when you have to retake it, of course, because there’s no chance in hell you could’ve passed.
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Favorite Shot: Shot of Jameson
to make a new, dirty word: Doucheflap So I guess Obama was right about global warming, huh?: Obama was right about a lot of things…
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WARM WEATHER SIGNALS
START OF NEW STUDENT MATING SEASON DANIEL McGINLEY WROTE THIS
As the unusually long chill lifted on Newark earlier this month and temperatures started to rise into the seventies and above, University of Delaware students began emerging from the dorms in droves, signaling the start of a new mating season.
especially late at night when many are attempting to sleep.
Many of the students, eager to fulfill their biological need to propagate the species, have been cooped up inside for longer than usual, leading to what scientists are calling an even more aggressive round of courtship than usual.
“The sheer number of potential partners in one place exponentially increases the chance of a student copulating,” he explained.
“The male students are displaying greater virility this time around,” said biology professor Leni Szewczyk. “The long winter has kept them suppressed sexually, but with the advent of spring, they have come roaring out of the gate.” Szewczyk noted that even at a campus that is around sixty percent female, the impetus still remains for the male partner to make himself known to a potential mate. After the females have begun emerging from their clothing cocoon, shedding several layers of North Face and other assorted items, the courtship ritual begins almost immediately. Such rituals in student mating include serenades, dances, nuptial gifts like surprisingly cheap earrings from Grassroots, physical touch and/or heavy petting, and, depending on the male’s sexual strength, the use of aphrodisiacs like alcohol. “Depending on how sexually potent the male is, he may employ any number of different attention grabbers,” Szewczyk said. “While a more virile male at George Read may need little more than a brief display or dance pattern, weaker males must resort to more varied tactics, often involving the playing of ‘Wonderwall’ on the guitar.” Biologists say that the mating season can last for several months, during which time local residents are encourage to keep their windows closed. The noise generated by the courtship efforts of students can reach deafening levels,
Graduate student Tobi Ndombe said that students will often congregate at places with little other beneficial value, such as Klondike Kate’s, in the hopes of attracting a mate.
In order to simplify the courtship process, many male students have developed increasingly precise rituals to focus the interest of the female. Ndombe mentioned the varied approaches even within the Dickenson dormitory: “The female will often display herself on a blanket or some other mat on the grass outside. A male may attempt to mimic the female’s actions, or may enlist the help of other males in displaying physical prowess through volleyball or football. He might even send a forcedly casual text asking where she is, as if he doesn’t already know exactly where she is,” he said. “Each of these different processes attracts different potential partners.” After mating, some partners have been known to continue copulating exclusively, even when other sexual options are available. Szwekczyk explains that while this may seem strange, it is rooted in an important biological consideration. “The human child takes much longer to raise than the average animal,” she said. “Normally, after mating, the male and female would tend to the offspring together. However, due to birth control, this problem rarely comes about; once the male and female realize there is no child to care for, they will usually split off and seek new mates.” Ndombe said that as the warm weather begins to fade, the students will once more retreat into their domiciles, and the circle of life will begin anew.
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Boy Sits in Different Seat in Class, Upsets Everyone Carolyn Beatty wrote this With the end of the semester only a few weeks away, students have established their normal classroom routines. This order was abruptly interrupted last Thursday when freshman David Hanson sat in a different seat than usual in Smith 140, leading to a security fiasco.
Misogynist Sophomore Shocked that Male Studies Major Would Not Be Offered
“I was so mad,” revealed senior football star Trey Peterson, the victim of the seat thievery. “I could have taken that little shrimp out with one flick, but I held myself back. It’s just…it’s like he didn’t even know what he was doing. Smith has enough seats for him to have sat anywhere, but he chose to victimize me.” This incident not only displaced Peterson, but triggered a domino effect for the rest of the class. After Peterson’s seat was seized, he took someone else’s seat. That person took another person’s seat. Before long, every student found themselves in a different place, affecting their overall ability to pay attention or even browse Facebook in class. “He’s just a freshman, and I think he still isn’t used to the way college works,” sympathized junior Dana Murphy. “To say he has the potential fully understand
the implications of his actions would be unfair, I think. But yeah, I was obviously livid and think he deserves to be locked up for a really long time.” So many students reacted to the situation with such aggression that the professor of BUAD101 began to fear not only for Hanson’s life, but for her own. “I thought a full-blown war was going to break out,” commented Professor Linda Travis. “Or worse, that scene from Mean Girls when all those teenage girls start attacking each other like animals.”
Luckily for Travis and the UD Department of Safety, neither of those things happened. However, many students did cause a scene by exhaling loudly and rolling their eyes. A few people even tweeted about the incident using angry face and sad face emojis. The incident was reported by the Newark Police Department, and a UD Alert was immediately sent out to members of the university community. Peterson was forced back to his original seat the following Tuesday.
Shiv Patel wrote this Patrick O’Toole proposed a male studies major to the University of Delaware last week, but was shocked when told that it will never be offered. As each semester comes to a close, students’ stress towards schedule planning increases. Some students strive to enroll in that perfect bullshit Group A/Multicultural breadth requirement, such as WOMS130 Feminine Art in Africa, and others arrange to avoid morning classes. At the time of his registration, Patrick O’Toole believed that his proposition for a male studies major, a proposed equivalent to the women studies major, would be approved by the university. “I definitely identify with being a misogynist,” O’Toole states. “Just like women who identify with being
feminists. I feel like women have it too easy. They’re allowed to have so many freedoms, like working outside the home and voting. Why can’t I do that? With their many rights they have destroyed modern society for men.” O’Toole used this resentment as fuel to create and plan a course of study for his proposed male studies major. Courses include: MENS101: The Infringement of Mens’ Rights, PHIL459: Inside the Mind of the Superior Gender, and BISC220: Sex- It Only Matters if he Ejaculates. A week after registration began Patrick O’Toole was notified that his proposal for a male studies major was not accepted, and would never be offered. “I couldn’t believe it!” O’Toole explains. “I didn’t understand how
they couldn’t offer this option to UD students. It’s just another example of the administration reinforcing the matriarchy!” O’Toole and his friends decided to protest in front of the Admissions Office. They shouted “FUCK BITCHES, SPEND THEIR MONEY,” and various facts about the oppressed male. It was rumored they even screamed “where’s White-Male History Month?” but The Black Sheep has not confirmed that by press time. As random girls strolled past, O’Toole and his friends whistled and ogled at them. He complimented most of the girls on their asses and boobs. “They like it when I do that.” O’Toole says he will continue on his quest to spread awareness that women need to be put in their place so that we can all be equals.
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PHONES BREAK CAMPUS-WIDE AS STUDENTS ARE PLACED INTO ONE GROUPME MESSAGE SEAN McBRIDE WROTE THIS Students awoke Thursday morning to broken phones after they had all been placed into one, singular GroupMe message by freshman Colin Dabagin. Reports indicate that the one GroupMe overloaded all phones in 56.4 seconds as upperclassmen overwhelmingly responded to Dabagin’s original text, crashing the circuits in all student cellphones. The Black Sheep caught up with Colin Dabagin in a recent interview. “As a freshman, I just want to make some friends! I figured because everyone loves the class Facebook groups so much, why not put them into a GroupMe? I got 4,500 notifications almost instantaneously! I know that people probably don’t want to be in the group,” said Dabagin, “but I didn’t give them a chance. You have to use the app before you can block the texts, and that means they HAD to see my texts.” While Dabagin was excited over his recent creation, others in the student body were
less than impressed. “I woke up last Thursday, and my phone was broken. Literally broken. Some asshole was able to add the ENTIRE student body of Delaware into a single group thread. The first post in the group received at least 7,000 responses, which caused my phone to die. Who the hell would do that? I lost my record in 2048 thanks to that stupid freshman,” said junior Harrison Brooke. Another student, Billy Johnson had quite the embarrassing slip-up. “Yeah, I messed up pretty hard with that GroupMe thing. I, uh, tried to send a, uh, pretty personal photo of myself to my girlfriend but, um, it kinda sent to the campus wide GroupMe. It sent right before everyone’s phones crashed, so anyone who tried to delete GroupMe or stop the texts saw my junk,” said Johnson. “So yeah, the entire campus now knows what I’m working with thanks to that dumbass freshman who grouped us all into one message. And for anyone who saw that
picture, I just got out of the shower, and it was cold!” GroupMe responded quickly to the fiasco, noting that they’ve never seen anything like this before. “We designed GroupMe to fix these type of problems. People used to receive all these texts from their co-workers/school project group/friends from high school, but GroupMe was supposed to help people turn off notifications for these unwanted messages. Unfortunately, it does not entirely stop people from receiving them,” said GroupMe customer service representative Dave Marks. “We do sincerely apologize to those involved, including the guy who sent a picture of his small, sad penis, and all who saw it.” Despite the possibilities of being sued by every student for the cost of their new phones, Dabagin argues he’d do it again if the opportunity arose.
they were in a group message together. What more could a person want than to be connected to every single person on the campus at the same time? Yeah sure, some phones couldn’t handle it. That’s less of my problem and more of theirs. Maybe now students will get with the times and use working phones,” defended Dabagin.
“I think a lot of people liked the fact that
The Black Sheep plans to catch up with
students about the effects of life without a phone for the next issue, as well as their plans for the freshman Colin who created the mayhem. In his closing statement, Harrison Brooke commented, “If I ever catch that Colin kid I am going to find my posse and tar and feather that punk, right after I break HIS phone.”
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