Volume 7
The Black Sheep
rea Free! lly m Lik ake e we you wou pay ld for this .
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 6
YouDee Kidnaps Freshman Paul Mooney wrote this At the University of Delaware vs. University of Rhode Island football game Saturday, sources say YouDee, UD’s anthropomorphic chicken and school mascot, kidnapped freshman Eric Weingarten. Neither has been seen since. “At first he was doing regular mascot stuff,” said Weingarten’s friend Sarah Smith. “He gave Eric a high-five. Then he went in for a hug. Then he went in for a much longer hug, and slipped a bag over his head and threw him into the back of the mascot van and sped away.” Complaints about the mascot are not new, reports confirm, and have occurred since the mascot was introduced. “He’d always try to squeeze my thighs,” said alumnus Sally Richardson. “It was a very strange situation. My friends always wanted to take pictures of him at the games, and he’d be fun, but he’d do something creepy. Those squishy felt wings have a surprisingly tight grip.” When reached for comment, ex-UD football star Joe Flacco said, “Yeah, I remember that motherfucker. That dude scared me. It’s like a thing for football players to slap each others butts on the field, but not the mascot. And he did it way too often. Like, even in the locker room, or when he saw me in Trabant.” Anna Tatman, the Newark Police Department detective on the case, ran a background check on YouDee and found a troubling past. “He was actually born as Yousef DeAngelo in 1971 in Arizona to two meth-addicted blue hens,” she said. “Sources say he led a very troubled childhood from the moment he hatched, dropping out of high school to work as a drug dealer on the streets.” His first arrest came in 1991 at the age of twenty after a sting operation targeting squatters in Tempe led police to his home. DeAngelo was homeless and with nowhere else to go, he was living without rent in a project that had been defunded the year prior. To make matters worse, the police found a large nest he had built which brought him income as a local crack den. DeAngelo did five years of hard time in Tempe County Prison, where he rose through the ranks of the Aryan Brotherhood. Upon release, DeAngelo changed his name in order to evade several mothers searching for child support. DeAngelo soon found his way to Newark.
the sidelines, jumping jacks with the players, hiding under the bleachers and grabbing people by the ankles, dragging them down to the depths below, just normal school mascot things.” Many of the charges were dropped after the still-unsolved murder of the leading detective of the case.
all that good stuff.” The earlier years were troubled, where arrests for public drunkenness and indecency abound, Tatman explained. He developed a heavy drug habit again and even started missing practices. He finally hit rock bottom when he was caught mating with another hen next to the dumpster behind Grotto. “He became a regular at the station,” Tatman said.
“I don’t know, he never seemed that weird,” said marching band trumpet player Mike Collins. “He just did normal mascot things. Running across
“There was always something off about him,” said Ellie Ashton, a security worker at the football games. “He had that permanent smile and those cold, dead eyes, but he really was a great person to have around. He stayed in character when he hung out with us; throwing fake punches, pantomiming laughter, getting in knife fights with the local street gangs,
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GIRLS TROUBLED BY UNATTAINABLE STANDARDS OF QUIRKINESS
TOP 10: EXCUSES YOUR FRIENDS GIVE TO NOT HANG OUT WITH YOU
HOW TO FIX 2014’S WORST NEW SHOWS (WITHOUT CHANGING THEIR NAMES)
IT’S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO KEEP UP.
YOU’VE HEARD IT ALL, AND THESE ARE THE TOP 10.
THIS FALL’S TELEVISION LINEUP IS ATROCIOUS. HERE’S WHAT WE THINK WOULD HELP.
Facing termination, YouDee joined a local chapter of Narcotics Anonymous and cleared himself up. “We hadn’t had any trouble with him for years, except for the incident when he got drunk and broke into the chicken cages in the agricultural building in 2008,” said Ashton.
FOLLOW US @THEBLACKSHEEP_UD NOVEMBER 6th, 2014 - NOVEMBER 19th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
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PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?
TO KILL SOME TIME.
BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
“Why is this reception so bad?”
THE BROWN NECKTIE
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
WORD of the WEEK
MIRRORCLE An act in which one looks in the mirror and is convinced she looks good when she, in fact, does not. “I don’t know what she was thinking when she looked at herself in the mirror tonight,” Bethany exclaimed, “must have been a mirrorcle.”
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Ex-Amish, now a model.
2
Arrested for DUI in 2013.
3
Daughter of a bishop.
# # #
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PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
AROUND CAMPUS
Girl Trying Not To Make A Fuss Quietly Chokes To Death In Trabant Tia Hill wrote this
In a shocking, tragic, but considerate turn of events, reports confirm University of Delaware freshman Kelly Ingleburg quietly choked to death last week in Trabant in an effort to not make a scene and draw attention to herself while having lunch. The culprit was an unusually long and bulbous chunk of string cheese which had been lodged in Ingleburg’s throat. Instead of hacking it up onto the table, an action which would have mildly and temporarily disturbed several of the surrounding students, Ingleburg thoughtfully chose to keep it there while she silently sat and died. “She had headphones in, and it looked like she was just sitting there really intensely listening to music,” explained one student who witnessed Ingleburg’s death. “She really made no motion whatsoever to get help or cough up the piece of cheese. Had I known something was wrong, I probably would
have awkwardly hovered around while making poor attempts at the Heimlich maneuver. I’m just grateful she spared me the embarrassment of doing so. Thank you, Kelly. We…uh…miss you?” Students tell The Black Sheep that while events like these are certainly a tragedy, sitting silently while something is wrong rather than standing up, asking for help, or making a scene in public is a nice gesture to those nearby. “Once I got a third-degree burn on my hand from a lighter, completely burning off my pinky, but I sat there and held back the tears rather than ask someone for water or burn salve,” remarked one caring student, whose friends were able to continue enjoying their evening while the flesh melted from his bone. Many students of ten feel too embarrassed to ask for the help of those around them even in extreme situations, especially when it comes to the issue of
getting food stuck in their throat. “I didn’t want to make a scene one time, so I ran to the bathroom and spent half an hour doing the same thing my cat does when she’s building up a hairball in an effort to get a fingernail that I had swallowed out of my throat,” said another student confidently. Friends of Ingleburg say an eerily similar incident had happened to her before, when a chunk of apple got stuck in her windpipe during work. Upon its removal, Ingleburg exclaimed, “I would sooner die than have a bunch of people watch me dislodge something from my throat. Give me smaller chunks of apple or give me death!” Just a year later, she was dead at the hands of a throat full of string cheese. Reports suggest it is likely that, in her dying moments, Ingleburg only wished that no one would try to sue anyone
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over this or make a big fuss about it. “There had been many times when Kelly almost hurt herself to try not to look stupid to other people, but never to this extent,” explained Ingleburg’s mother, who was mostly disappointed that Ingleburg’s death had warranted a write-up in this newspaper, potentially
drawing the attention of hundreds or thousands of people. Ingleburg’s family requests that, in lieu of flowers, mourners quickly forget about the death and move on with their lives while avoiding string cheese as much as possible, as she would have wanted.
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
UD Jazz Concert Attendance Increases 10% After Step-Parents Come Too Matt Roarty Wrote This
Loudis manager Kurt Berkshire said the increased attendance “really filled out the space,” and added an exciting, energetic
Katie Wall wrote this
Residents in Thomas McKean told reporters Thursday that the seemingly run-of-the-mill bathroom carpet in suite 204 is really a tangled conglomerate of hair. Sources who have experienced the gnarled jumble first-hand swear that the consistency and color are identical to a traditional carpet.
Theater managers at Loudis Recital Hall announced yesterday that attendance at the fall semester Jazz Combo concert increased by ten percent after Bradley Jefferson’s mom and step-dad Jessica and Avery Billings were joined by his dad and step-mom Grant and Cady Jefferson. “Usually, my mom and Avery would just come and dad would stay away because he didn’t want to see my mom,” said Jefferson, who plays piano and has had two Christmases for the last seven years. “But now that dad’s remarried, I guess he feels comfortable being in the same place.”
BATHROOM CARPET REALLY JUST GIANT HAIRBALL Leslie Knott, a resident of the suite, claims that the hair nest was unintentional. “We don’t clean that much,” she said. “We’re not like dirty people, so we don’t really need to clean. But we do brush our hair, and sometimes it fell on the floor and then there was this hair carpet. And at that point, it was like, ‘well now we don’t have to buy one.’” Experts concluded that the hair mat is comprised of hair belonging to all four members of the suite. They reported that the unspectacular texture and shine of the suitemates’ hair perfectly matched the normally coarse material of a carpet picked-up last minute from K-Mart, and that the hair mat was “financially responsible” and “a pretty interesting idea, if you can get over the fact that you’re standing on your hair for significant periods of time like a psycho.”
vibe to the concert, which included covers of standards like “Night in Tunisia” and a swing arrangement of Justin Bieber’s “Baby.” “You could really tell the difference between a 20 person crowd and a 22 person crowd.” “I guess,” said Jefferson when asked if he was excited that both parents were there. “I don’t see my dad a lot, so it’s nice he was able to make time to see
me. Although I couldn’t see him at all since the pianist sits away from the audience.” Many in attendance say the high-point of the evening was Jefferson’s 32-bar solo in “Afro Blue,” during which Grant Jefferson attempted to fight Avery Billings, shouting “hope you know you’re married to a whore!” before all four were kicked out of the recital hall.
Stacy Tobin, another resident of the suite, told The Black Sheep that outsiders have not always welcomed the hair carpet. “People literally don’t even know what it is. They think it’s made out of like yarn and carpet material I guess. But my mom saw it and she tried to throw up. I guess she realized it was hair,” she said. Reports indicate that all members of the suite have decided to keep the carpet. Cited reasons include that “a new one is probably just going to form anyway,” and “it’s getting too cold out to walk it all the way to the dumpster.”
TEENAGE GIRLS TROUBLED
BY UNATTAINABLE STANDARDS OF QUIRKINESS Paul Mooney Wrote This While problems of self-image have long been rampant throughout the nation’s youth, new reports show that the hipster counterculture—once a bastion from the traditional standards of beauty and femininity women are inundated with every day—has created devastatingly high expectations for quirkiness. Girls like freshman Sylvia Fleming have been battling with these issues since they were young teens. “It’s just too much to keep up with,” she said. “From every single media outlet, the sense of inadequacy is impossible to ignore. We can’t all be Annie Hall.” As opposed to the societal obsessions of thinness and perfect proportions portrayed in women’s magazines, movies, and advertising, sources say images of quirk are found in more innocuous places. “It’s impossible to just go to my local record store in peace without being bombarded by these images,” Fleming said. “Right when you check out, there’s Paste Magazine right in your face with Carrie Brownstein on the cover because Sleater-Kinney is getting back together. It’s inescapable. It’s my daily reminder that no matter how far I come or how
quirky I am, I will never be best friends with Fred Armisen.” Piper Cotter, an art/English/art history/women’s studies quadruple major with eleven minors, has found the inescapable nature of online content to be especially troubling. “It appears on every website,” she said. “Every feminist blog post has an aspect of intersectional theory applicable to the queer black community I haven’t thought of, every Pitchfork staff list has a 90s punk band I never heard of, and every Tumblr gif has a 30 Rock reference I don’t remember. It’s impossible to keep up.”
“...every Pitchfork staff list has a 90s punk band I never heard of, and every Tumblr gif has a 30 Rock reference I don’t remember. It’s impossible to keep up.” The intense nature of this high standard has reportedly resulted in a sense of competition between some. “Whoever gets the most likes on their cover photo that’s a screenshot of Netflix with the
subtitles showing, whoever can remember the most letters from the everexpanding LGBT acronym, it gets r e a l l y n a s t y,” Fleming added. “It results in a real sense of failure. Sometimes I think I’ll never be good enough, in a general sense. Will I be able to perfect the on-the-head/off-the-head hat ratio? Will I ever fall in love with someone so beautiful, talented, reclusive and strange as Jeff Mangum? It starts to eat away at you.” One student made an impulsive decision under the pressure and told reporters she regretted her decision. “I tried to give myself that new haircut where you shave one side of your head, but I completely ruined it,” said Harper Brooks. “I shaved the top of my head. It looks like male patterned baldness. “I look like Charles Manson,” she continued. “It looks
so stupid. How did I even do this? It was such an easy mistake not to make. Just choose right or left. All I remember was turning on the trimmers and then I blacked out.” Similar to other high standards set by popular culture, the high standards of quirkiness demand fashion and form-fitting clothes, but in an opposite direction. “The sweaters get baggier and baggier every year,” said Cotter. “Each time I go to the thrift store, it’s a struggle to try to fit into them and then try to reach the end of the enormous sleeves.” “I’ve always wanted to be a Gertrude Stein, but I know I’m going to end up as an Emily Dickinson,” said Brooks, before leaving to pray to her shrine dedicated to Tina Belcher.
05
PARTY PICS
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS If you woke up as a member of the opposite sex tomorrow - besides the sex stuff - what would be the first thing you’d do?
AMANDA “I would pee and see how far it would go!”
MARY GRACE “I would eat as much food as I wanted.”
JAMES “I would finally get into a frat party.”
06
THE TOP TEN
Excuses Your Friends Give To Not Hang Out With You It’s Friday night and you’re alone. What the hell happened to your plans? A few texts later, you’ve heard it all—here are the top ten excuses your friends give to not hang out with you. 10.) “I’ve got a lot of work to do.”: Not only is this excuse one of the hardest ones to talk your friends out of, but it also makes you realize that you should be upping the ante on your book reading and not on your Fireball. And yet Fireball will never judge you for your Friday night choices… 9.) “I got no sleep.”: Congratulations! Hanging out with you, making memories, etc., is less exciting than staying in and laying on a bed for a recommended eight hours! 8.) “I have to do this thing with my floor, sorry!”: While this excuse is upsetting, it offers the opportunity to bust your lying friend. Go to the ice skating rink, CalTor, or the Green and look for a group of 40 freshmen and one confused upperclassman. If you can’t locate the mob, call him out! 7.) “Starting to not feel well.”: Jager tastes like cough syrup, so why she won’t rally just hurts. Hope she enjoys her sweaty, sad Netflix coma when she could be in a sweaty, sad frat basement with you. 6.) “My girlfriend really wants to hang out, sorry.”: Only after throwing a two-hour pity party for your lack of a lover will you realize that he’s not even in a relationship. 5.) “I’m just feeling ugly today.”: This is a classic lady text that translates roughly to “let me lay in my sweat pants.” Instead of being totally ditched, you could offer to come with a movie. If that’s turned down, then it’s a “let me lay without pants” type of evening, instead of a “let me get laid” night. 4.) “I haven’t eaten, and I’m too poor for Main Street.”: Is this a test to see if you’ll pay for his food, or a subtle way of sharing he’s stuffing his face with whatever leftover pizza’s lying around from the drunk trip to Papa John’s yesterday? Either way, hope he enjoys his hungry, lonely evening while you snack on a quesarito with another homie. 3.) “I’m not in town dude, I went home!”: Some students live close enough that they can leave Friday night and spend meaningful time at home. You, on the other hand, do not. Enjoy spending your time scrolling down your Newsfeed and liking pictures of your friend doing a keg stand uploaded five minutes ago! 2.) “It’s laundry night and I have nothing to wear.”: If Beyonce’s new haircut can become a fashion trend, so can the baggy braless t-shirt look. Tell her that an outfit is like a cover, and no one should ever judge it.
COME SEE WHAT ALL THE
FUN IS ABOUT
1.) “I’m not drinking tonight.”:The four words of death. Your friend might still come out with you, but he knows that no one wants to drag around a sad sack of a sober college kid. Let him go -- he needs to think about his passive aggressive ways.
OPEN THANKSGIVING AT 7pm
COME PARTY WITH DJ ANDREW HUGH! PLUS GET $2 RAIL DRINKS! Shannon Poulsen wrote this
DeerParkTavern.com • (302) 369-9414 • 108 W Main St., Newark
THE BAR GRID Happy Hour! Monday-Friday 3-7PM $3 & $5 Food Specials $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria
FRI & SAT: Happy Hour 3-7 $1 Off Crafts, $2 Domestic Pints $3 Rails, $4 Ciders $5 Glasses of Wine
Open Thanksgiving at 7pm Come Party with DJ Andrew Hugh! $2 Rail Drinks
FRIDAY! $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria
Thirsty Thursday! $2 Domestic Pints $3 Shooters & Rails $4 Domestic Pitchers & LITs DJ Rundrew & Chorduroy
All You Can Eat Wings (5PM - close) $2 Rail Drinks (all day) 1/2 Price Burgers 11:30am-3pm, House Music w/ DJ Andrew Hugh
DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy and Vodka, $3 Blue Moon Pints, $3 25oz Coors Lights $4 Tall Svedkas
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria
9-Close: $5 Fireball Shot & Draft Beer, $3 Infusion Shots and $2.50 Empanadas
Happy Hour 3-7 $1 Off Crafts, $2 Domestic Pints $3 Rails, $4 Ciders $5 Glasses of Wine
$5 All Bombs, All Day, Everyday Live Bands!
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
SATURDAY
Brunch 11-4PM: $3 Mimosa’s $5 Bloody Mary’s/Maria’s 9-Close: $5 Fireball Shot & Draft Beer $5, $3 Infusion Shots and $2.50 Empanadas
Happy Hour 3-7 $1 Off Crafts, $2 Domestic Pints $3 Rails, $4 Ciders $5 Glasses of Wine
Brunch 10am-2pm, $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar $3 Captain Morgan Drinks, All Day, Everyday Live Local Music! No Cover (w/ student ID)
$3 Big Miller Lites College Football
SUNDAY
Brunch 11-4PM $3 Mimosa’s $5 Bloody Mary’s/Maria’s $1 Off ALL BEERS during NFL Games
Irish Sundays! $1 Off Irish Pints Live Irish Music at 4PM
Sunday Funday w/ Brunch (9AM-2PM) $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar Chorduroy Live, No Cover
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
MONDAY
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria $3 & $5 Food Specials MNF: 8PM-Close: $2 Drafts
$3 Blue Moons $4 Dogfish $5 Gourmet Hot Dogs
1/2 Price Appetizers 5pm-Close, $5 Off Big Beer Bottles Showtime Trivia at 8:30PM
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Leinenkugel Pints
TUESDAY
Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria $3 & $5 Food Specials 8PM-Close: $5 Margaritas, $18 Pitchers of Sangria
1/2 Price Burgers $4 Personal Pitchers Quizzo at 9PM
$4 Double LIT’s 1/2 Price Burgers All Day Come Check Out Jefe and DJ Andrew Hugh Every Tuesday Night!
COLLEGE NIGHT! $2 Single You Call Its, $10 Cover Charge Free Admission w/ UD I.D.
WEDNESDAY
Happy Hour 3-7PM: $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria Cards Against Humanity Night: 7- Close $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks, $3 Fireball
Yuengs & Wings! $0.45 Wings $2 Yuenglings
1/2 Price Nachos and Quesadillas All Day, 1/2 Price Burgers All Day $1.50 Tacos, $3 Corona and Corona Light, $3 Margaritas, $2.50 Taylor’s Grog Draft
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
SPECIAL NIGHT
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
9-Close: $5 Fireball Shot & Draft Beer, $3 Infusion Shots and $2.50 Empanadas
THE BAR GRID Thanksgiving Eve: Happy Hour 4-7pm, LauraLea & Steve Duo $3 Mixed Drinks, $3 Drafts, $3 Wine, 1/2 Price Apps DJ Bis at 10pm Gobble off at 10pm & 12am
Happy Hour! 4-7pm Monday - Friday: $1 Off Mixed Drinks, $6 Pitchers $2 Drafts, $4 House Wines $3 Red Sangria Glasses
Best Happy Hour in Town Mon.-Sat. 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks $5 App Menu
$2.50 COORS LIGHT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!
SPECIAL NIGHT
$5 Pubwiches, $2 Rail Pints Bomb Night! $5 Bomb Drinks: Car Bombs & Irish Trash Cans DJ Dance Party (10pm)
MUG NIGHT! $2 Drafts & $3 Well Drinks (Only with Mug) $3 Purple Gatorades $3 Applesauce 4-9pm: $6 Pitchers, $2 Drafts
International Night feat. DJ Bis 9-close Drink Specials: $3 Single, $5 Double, $3.50 Corona Football Specials: $6 Medium Cheese Pizza During All NFL Games
$12 Dinner Entrees, 1/2 Priced Bottles of Wine Free Happy Hour Taco Buffet! $2.50 Coors Light
THURSDAY
Newark’s Best Happy Hour! $2 Drafts & 1/2 Price Appetizers (6pm-8pm) $3 Bartender’s Choice, $3 Flavored Pinnacle Drinks, $4 Fireball DJ Dance Party (10pm)
4-9pm: $6 Pitchers, $2 Drafts 9-Close: $3 Big Bottle Bud Lights $3 Donkey Punch, $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Royal Flush shot $3 Blue Hen Shots
Best Happy Hour in Town Mon.-Sat. 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks $5 App Menu
FREE Happy Hour Carving Station 9pm - Close: $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts, $3 Rail Drinks, Fireball Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls., $4 Captain Morgan Drinks, $5 Senor Creepy
Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar (til 3pm) EPL Soccer - Live on the Big Screen $9.99 Celtic Entrees $4 Irish Drafts, $4Jameson, $4 Red Bull Vodka, $5 Carbombs Pub Pong (8pm)
9-Close: $4 Redbull or Monster and Vodka, $4 Bomb Shots $3 Vodka Drinks $3 Green Tea Shots $3 White Gummy Bear Shots
Newark’s New Soccer Headquarters Showing All Games! 9am-2pm Brunch: Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar
Chef's Special! DJ 9pm $2.50 Coors Light
SATURDAY
Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar (til 3pm) $10.99 All You Can Eat Wings & Fries, $4 Craft Drafts, $3 Big Arse Bud Lights, $3 You Call Its
Sunday Funday All Happy Hour Specials $3 Applesauce $3 Vodka Drinks
Soccer and Brunch 9am-2pm Football Specials: $3.50 25oz. Bud Light, $17 Bud Light Tower, $6 Medium Cheese Pizza During All NFL Games Medium Cheese Pizza & 10 Wings $13.99 Large Cheese Pizza & 20 Wings $23.99
All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs for $19 $2.50 Coors Light
SUNDAY
Wing Night $0.35 Wings $3 Big Arse 22oz Yuengling $3 Captain Morgan Drinks Newark’s Best Pub Quiz Tournament (9pm-12am)
4-Close: $4 Select Craft Drafts 9-Close: $3 Chocolate Cake Shots $3 Vodka Drinks
Football Specials: $3.50 25oz. Bud Light, $17 Bud Light Tower, $6 Medium Cheese Pizza During All NFL Games Medium Cheese Pizza & 10 Wings $13.99 Large Cheese Pizza & 20 Wings $23.99
$6 Nacho Night! Seafood, Taco, Supreme, Chicken or Pulled Pork $2.50 Coors Light
MONDAY
Burger Night! $5 1/2 burgers $3 16oz Long Island Iced Tea Pints, $4 Fireball Newark’s Famous Karaoke Dance Party (10pm)
4-9pm: $6 Pitchers, $2 Drafts 9-Close: $3 Tequila Sunrise Shots $3 Vodka Drinks
Best Happy Hour in Town Mon.-Sat. 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks $5 App Menu
$0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $2.50 Coors Light
TUESDAY
$5 Craic Nachos You Pick Monthly Special! Vote on Kildare’s Newark Media Outlets Dart League
4-Close: $4 Glasses House Wine 9-Close: $3 Chocolate Cake Shots $3 Vodka Drinks
Yeungs & Wings 5-close $0.49 Traditional, $0.59 Breaded $2 Yuengling Pints
Half-Price Burgers
WEDNESDAY
College Night!
FRIDAY
How to Fix 2014’s Worst New Shows Dan Collins wrote this
Red Band Society Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on FOX
(Without Changing Their Names) In case you haven’t heard, this fall’s television lineup is atrocious. It’s drawn about as much interest as Santa Claus hula-hooping in the nude. Actually, that sounds riveting. The ratings have been practically nonexistent, especially for the new shows. Luckily, due to these shows having extremely vague and terrible names, they can be completely transformed without having to change the title. Have no fear, network executives, The Black Sheep is here to save television. Keep in mind that a couple million viewers is not a lot. For context, Sunday Night Football averages over 21 million viewers and The Big Bang Theory (which is awful) averages over 20 million viewers. Summary: Red Band Society follows a group of teenagers who, due to various ailments, are living at the hospital. This includes a (lucky for him) comatose narrator, two cancer patients, a bitchy cheerleader who needs a new heart (Oh, the symbolism), a girl with an eating disorder, and (shocker) a sassy, older black woman with a heart of gold who acts as both a nurse and a spiritual guide. Ratings: Since opening at 4.1 million viewers (1.3 rating) for the pilot, the show’s viewership has dropped each
Madam Secretary • Sundays at 8 p.m. on CBS Summary: Following the death of her predecessor, a woman tries to balance her new job as the Secretary of State with her personal life as a wife and mother of two children. How edgy and original! A woman as the Secretary of State? That would never happen, except for in three out of the last six in America. Maybe this show would have been better received in 1980, when it would have been unheard of. Ratings: Despite relatively good ratings, viewership has dropped from 14.75 million in the pilot
to 11.71 at the present. How to Fix It: The female Secretary of State tries to balance her demanding job as one of the most important people in the world with her lucrative job as a madam at the world’s most successful brothel. She knows that she should quit the brothel, but it’s what allowed her the income to get into politics in the first place. To make matters worse, the DIA is on her tail and if her side job is found out, she’ll lose everything. It’s like Weeds, but the stakes are infinitely higher.
Summary: John Mulaney is a young comedian who, along with his two best friends and roommates, one male and one female, try to make it in the toughest city in the world. Also there to help is Mulaney’s wacky neighbor. Sound familiar? That’s because it’s Seinfeld. Seriously, it’s just modern Seinfeld, but not funny. Ratings: It is averaging a pathetic 2.3 million viewers.
Jane the Virgin • Mondays at 9 p.m. on The CW Summary: Jane, a teenage, religious Latina, has decided to save herself for marriage, only to be accidentally artificially inseminated by her doctor. I don’t think any snide remarks need to be added to this one. The premise is bad enough already. Ratings: The most recent episode had 1.03 million viewers (try not to laugh.) How to Fix It: Growing up in ancient Egypt among the pharaohs, Jane tries tows the line
between her promise to her family (and the sun god Amon-Ra) to stay pure until marriage, and her desire to not be sacrificed to the Tefnut, lion-god of water, amongst the worst drought in the history of the Egyptian Empire. Little does she know, she has gained the interest of a young Egyptian Prince who wishes to one day marry her… Moses.
week until episode four, which had 2.92 million viewers (0.9 rating). How to Fix It: Instead of red hospital bands, the show follows a group of secret Nazis living in post-World War II America. They wear their red swastika bands under their clothes and attempt to overthrow the American government. At least when these Nazis are inevitably found out and killed, it won’t be as depressing as when a teenager dies in the show’s original format.
Black-ish • Wednesdays at 9:30 p.m. on ABC Summary: The father of an upper-middle-class black family living in the predominantly white suburbs struggles to find a cultural identity for his increasingly “white-acting” family. Essentially, the father acts out what a white person does when accused of racism, such as trying to desperately to find his kids more black friends or dressing them in a dashiki and attempting tribal-sounding drum music.
Ratings: Despite a solid showing in the pilot at 11.04 million, its viewership has since dropped drastically to a meager 6.93 million. How to Fix It: A struggling actor finds the role of a lifetime, except that it calls for a black actor and he is white. Instead of giving up, the protagonist attempts to gain the role while in blackface, only to realize that getting the role was the easy part. He spends the rest of the series trying to blend in with the black community and keep the ruse going. Essentially, a racial Mrs. Doubtfire.
How To Fix It: Instead of attempting to make a show out of this horrible mess, just literally air Seinfeld, which had 76.3 million viewers in its last episode, which is slightly less than thirty-five (freakin’ thirty-five) times the viewers Mulaney gets each week. Even though they probably won’t be able to get them to make new episodes, just air reruns like TBS does for 20 out of the 24 hours a day. Then at least you won’t have wasted as much time and money on something that’s already been done.
Mulaney Sundays at 9:30 p.m. on FOX
Bad Judge • Thursdays at 9 p.m. on NBC Summary: Rebecca Wright is a judge. But that’s not all. She’s also a heavy-drinking, promiscuoussex-having, and scofflawing mess in her personal life. Oh, we get it. Because she’s a judge, so she is supposed to be able to make good judgments, but she isn’t. Plus, since we’re watching the show, it will really be the viewer who is judging her. How clever. Ratings: Viewership has fallen from 5.84 million to 4.39 million.
How to Fix It: Judge Reinhold, the older brother from Fast Times At Ridgemont High and the close talker from Seinfeld, has come on hard times due to his recently-stagnat acting career. In an act of desperation, he decides to become a male prostitute. After initial struggles, he finds that there are a plethora of middle-aged women willing to pay nearly any price to feel like they are in the 80s and young again; and sleeping with him does exactly that. Everything is going great until, in a very 80s plot twist, he contracts AIDS, which puts his livelihood, and morals, to the test.
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ALL-NIGHTER ENDS AT 1:00 A.M. Matt Roarty Wrote This
Saying it was “really tough” and that she “was sure [she] was going to die,” sophomore Stacy Anthony told reporters that she spent “all night” studying for her chemistry exam before going to sleep at one in the morning. “Look, no one likes cramming all night,” said Anthony, who left the library well before it was restricted to just the common area. “But when the choice is that or failing, you have to make the tough decision,” she continued before yawning, and noted that she got only six hours of sleep. Anthony explained that her chemistry exam was “straight murder,” and that even with bypassing the recommended eight to ten hours of sleep she was ill-prepared. “Ugh, I just got wrecked, and I don’t even know how I could have studied any harder,” said the student who
HAPPY VETERINARIAN’S DAY We keep receiving misaddressed letters at The Black Sheep corporate office since we recently changed locations. While most of them inform us of the incredible number of free cruises we’ve won in the past year or the incredible debt we’ve managed to build up going on them, we sometimes receive interesting ones such as this letter from kindergarten student Kenny Larnsworth writing to his mother: mom November 5, 2014 5645 W. Belmont Ave. Chicago, IL 60604
now and you don’t die with you sleep alone with them. Please tell them I said hi. Dad did not answer my phone calls today. He did not say hi.
hi Mom, happy veterenarian’s day. I hope you are having fun with your dogs Cooper, bailey, and reilly. And snickers and Hoopie. managed to watch the episode of Scandal she missed from last week before finally settling down for the night. Anthony then reportedly ordered a 24-box of Insomnia Cookies, telling a roommate, “I’m so bad,” and “Treat yo’self!” before going on Youtube and watching 20 minutes worth of Parks and Recreation bloopers. “I normally try to plan in advance so this doesn’t happen,
but sometimes you have no choice but to go the whole nine yards and just power through it,” explained Anthony, who the night before had heard for the first time the announcement that the circulation desk was closing in 30 minutes and immediately packed up her things. Before exiting the library, Anthony made a pouty-face and took a quick Snapchat with an 11:33 p.m. timestamp that read “Work Hard 2 Play Hard.”
im sorry dad left you Are teacher asked us to write leters to veterinarians for veterinarians day. She told me it is this month. This month is november. Dad hasnt called since september I told my teacher i know a veterinarian and it is my mom. She said I should be very proud. I told her you just wipe dogs butts and kill peoples cats when theyre sleeping. She laughed at me and said if only you could get to the rushins next
when mary beth showed our class her uncles dog tags I said my mom has tons of those. She called me a liar and I spilled juice on her uncle. he was blending in with things outside of the window. I made a picture of you when we had to make paintings of a veterinarian. it has you making the sad face like when you tell that joke about dad and say everything is going to be alright. Thats my favorite one. Please tell reilly and snickers I said hello. And hoopie and bailey and cooper. love, kenny
My best friend richard said his grandpa died while being a veterinarian. He said he died a long time ago in a dog fight. Im glad they have medicine for dogs
Black Sheep Staff wrote this
APOLOGY LETTER TO PEDESTRIANS, FROM CYCLIST Russel Kogan Wrote This
Dear Pedestrians, Remember that time I was coming straight at you and you didn’t know if I was going to move so you just stopped and prayed for your life? Remember that time I passed you but got so close that my handlebars skimmed your backpack? Remember that time I was walking my bike in a crowd and my front tire hit the back of your shoe?
time, you’re walking awkwardly close to that kid you’re kind of friends with and you don’t know whether you should say something.
I remember those times and I wanted to say, on behalf of the entire student-cyclist community, I’m sorry.
Being a pedestrian sucks. But why take your hate out on the cyclists? I encourage you to accept your inferior position as pedestrians. As a member of the biker class, I am entitled to certain freedoms that pedestrians don’t necessarily have. One, I have the right to get to class as fast as I want to get to class. And two, all pedestrians have to get the fuck out of my way so I can do this.
Having a bike has its pros and cons. On the one hand, I get to class in half the time it would take to walk there. On the other hand, I’m that douchebag on a bike. While maneuvering my way through a mob of students, everyone jumps aside to make way for me and my two-wheeled speed machine.
In fact, not many people know this, but bikers on average have higher GPAs and are more physically fit than pedestrians. According to science, the act of biking has many mental and physical health benefits that a mere walk cannot provide. The powerful, convincing prose of this open letter is but one example.
I realize that a 170-pound hungover college student on a 40-pound metal bike coming towards you at twenty miles per hour is scary, and I’m sorry I have to resort to these methods so I can spend a few extra minutes fixing my hair in the morning. But when it comes down to it, my hair is pretty important to me. And after it’s been treated with a fifteen minute breeze on the way to class, I look like fucking John Stamos.
I try to stay in bike lanes and follow traffic laws, but any biker in their right mind knows that it is impossible to follow all traffic laws and still save time getting to class. However, as a biker, I am allowed to break certain laws. Indeed, as Nietzsche shows us, it is my duty as the Ubermensch to transcend the petty boundaries of the legal system in pursuit of the fundamental reshaping of humanity itself into its perfect form – one atop two wheels.
Above all, I’m sorry that I have the better, faster, more efficient way of traveling. I see you struggling to get through that impenetrable pack of people as I gracefully glide by in the bike lane. I understand that the scowling faces you make at me come from jealousy of my superiority as a biker, and I’m sorry that there’s nothing I can do about it. I know how shitty walking to class is—trust me, all bikers have tried it. I feel bad that you have to leave a good twenty minutes before class starts. And half the
To conclude, I’m sorry that your lack of a bicycle prevents you from reaching your full potential. I’m sorry that you’re doomed to a life of rushing to class. And I’m sorry that you have to get the hell out of my way. Because I will run you over if you fail to move. Fuck you pedestrians, A Cyclist P.S. Fuck you again.
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: LGBT for Nenny • Major: Massage therapy Favorite Drink: Ciroc and Red Bull • Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Whiskey What should be infused with alcohol that currently isn’t?: Definitely candy. What animal would you most like to see drunk?: A monkey, because they already act like they’re drunk anyway, so seeing them actually drunk would be funnier.
CAITLYN of TIMOTHY’S THE DRINKING GAME
What’s a (funny) feature a social media platform should offer, but currently doesn’t?: A Weekly Beer Counter for Facebook that measures how many beers you had. How does one best get dough daily?: Sit on the sidewalk with a sign.
If you had a song playing in your aura as you walk around, what would it be?: Baby Got Back; everyone makes fun of my big butt anyway.
What are your thoughts on me noticing you noticing me, and me putting you on notice that I’m noticing you, too?: I like to dig holes.
What’s your favorite euphemism for a naught bit?: “Kooka,” because it makes vaginas less awkward.
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because they let me be in it, so it makes it awesome.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
STRIPPING THE COLD
OLD-SCHOOL SANDWICH
Alright, it’s officially November, guys. It’s going to get colder than you can even imagine sometime soon, so you may as well make a game out of it while you freeze your ass off. This one’s pretty simple. The goal is to see how many layers you can remove due to your level of intoxication. Easy right? Not so fast...
If you’re the type of person who becomes a child when you get too drunk, this week’s recipe is for you. Even the mature drunks can appreciate the sentiment of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so loosen up and enjoy this classic drunk treat with a few added extras.
What You’ll Need: Your grandmother to take you shopping for winter clothes, the strength to zip two coats over one another, a liver that will risk everything to keep your body warm. Number of Players: Head-to-head challenges require at least two players, personal record challenges require just one. Level of Intoxication: Enough to think this is a good idea in below zero weather. How to Play: - First, you’ll need to check the temperature outside to know where you’re starting. - Bundle up good, buck’o! Throw on as many layers as possible (mark down how many articles of clothing you have on). - Begin drinking and sweating from all the clothes you foolishly put on. - When you believe you’re drunk enough, head outside and begin taking layers off. - Continue to remove layers until you either unknowingly freeze or strip completely naked.
What You’ll Need: Peanut butter, jelly, bread, your desired toppings (we enjoy bananas, more peanuts, Oreos – yes, OREOS). Fatty Factor: You’ll feel like an overweight baby forced to stay in the hospital for three extra weeks to shed some weight. Let’s Get Baked: - Stumble on over to the kitchen and grab a plate. - Get your bread ready (classic preparation here, just lay it on the plate ya’ fool!) - After you miss the plate, pick your bread up off the floor and slap some peanut butter and jelly on it. - Gobble down three spoonfuls of peanut butter and try to say the alphabet backwards to all your friends. - What did you used to put in your lunchbox in grade school? Throw it on the sandwich. - You might end up with a bunch of weird stuff on your sandwich – gummy bears, half a Lunchable, Kit Kats, you name it. Just swallow it, you won’t regret it.
The Game Ends When: You realize you’ve just been tricked into playing a game where you end up naked in public.
Didn’t that take you back? Now be careful. While you’re feeling overwhelmed with this nostalgia, you can’t turn into a mess of emotions and begin telling everyone you love them. Just whisper it to your sandwich there – it’s the best listener of all.
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SEEING TEARS OF ARRESTED PARTIERS ONLY WAY NEWARK POLICE CAN FEEL ANYMORE Matt Roarty wrote this
Following the arrest of 145 alleged underage drinkers at a party on Continental Avenue, the Newark Police Department confirmed that watching the tears of young students flow freely from their eyes is the only way they can feel anymore. Telling reporters that the dull drudgery of their own lives could only be enlivened by the suffering of others, representatives of the Newark Police said that while things were not going well at home, at least they could find some sadistic meaning through their work. “We take abuse from people all day, go home to wives who no longer love us, and try to provide for children who do not respect us,” said Corporal Greg Micolucci. “All day we’re powerless. But for one moment, when we see students’ eyes start to redden and their face collapse into their hands, we have control. “It’s the only time I smile all day.” Some have criticized the Newark Police
Department for overzealous enforcement of relatively minor municipal provisions, including jaywalking, but they say their actions are necessary to make sure their frigid hearts are filled with enough warmth to keep them beating in their sleeps. “People need to look at it from our perspective,” Micolucci said. “Sure, you were running late for class, a college student for only a month, probably living away from the home for the first time in your life, already vulnerable and scared. But I was stuck in an ever-present ennui that only your anguish could overcome.” During a semester in which many have noted the unusually high incidence of UD Alerts for robberies and other substantial crimes, students have questioned the priorities of law enforcement, claiming that the resources used for investigating and arresting parties could be better used elsewhere. Newark Police replied that while such an action might make the community “safer” or “increase trust in authority,” it would fail to arouse the addicting, often pseudo-sexual thrill that can only come
from the soft pitter-patter of young tears hitting the sidewalk. Newark Police officers also explained that while the 145 counts of providing alcohol to minors, three counts of possession of marijuana, three counts of noise violation, three counts of underage consumption of alcohol, three counts failure to obtain a permit for the party, and three counts of conspiracy to provide alcohol to minors may seem excessive, members of the community need to remember that those 160 charges mean 160 tiny pangs of what some policemen are calling “emotions.” “To me, that’s 160 reasons to get up in the morning,” said Micolucci. Chief Patrick Ogden of the University of Delaware police department also told reporters that Newark should have nothing to fear from the UDPD, which received ten M16 assault rifles free of charge from the Department of Defense back in 2010, in addition to the 40 patrol rifles it purchased.
only to make sure we are prepared in case the unthinkable happens,” said Ogden. “The officers of the UD police department are just as soul-dead as the NPD, and the chance of any one of us gathering the necessary vigor to prepare something as energetic as a mass-shooting is remote.
“The weapons acquired by the UDPD are
“Of course, should such a situation arise,
there is no reason to think the UDPD will not rise to the occasion,” he continued. “Us, standing on building roofs and the tops of armored vans, our mighty guns pointing death at those below… “Truly, we would be as gods,” Ogden finished, wiping a single tear away from his eye.
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m o c . e n i l on p e e h s k c a l b e h t 102 E Main St, Newark (302) 369-7330 • catherinerooneys.com
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THE SIMPSONS CROSSWORD ACROSS: 3) The owner of the Kwik-E-Mart, last name. 7) The twins in Bart’s class, with purple hair and pale skin. 11) The family’s pet cats. DOWN: 1) The Sunday School teacher, Ms. What? 2) The youngest of the Simpsons. 4) Ned Flanders’s deceased wife. 5) The cool elementary school bus driver. 6) Sideshow Bob’s Italian wife. 7) The last name of the owner of Moe’s Tavern. 8) The cartoon cat and mouse, two words. 9) Springfield Chief of Police, two words. 10) Mr. Burn’s personal assistant. 11) The town The Simpsons takes place in. 12) Lisa’s instrument of choice.
13) The family’s pet dog is whose Little Helper? 14) Skinner 15) The spokes-mascot for Duff Beer.
CLUE BANK
THE NATIONAL PARKS wordsearch Acadia • Arches • Badlands • Biscayne Canyonlands • Death Valley • Denali • Everglades Glacier • Great Basin • Haleakala • Mesa Verde Mount Rainier • Olympic • Pinnacles • Redwood Sequoia • Shenandoah • Yosemite • Zion
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