Delaware - Issue 7 - 5/8/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

C AB FREE LE F ... LI ROM KE S YO U T E A L R N ING EIG HBO R.

Vol. 6, Issue 7

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

5/8/14 - 5/21/14

POWER PLANT PROTESTERS SUCCESSFULLY REACH GOAL OF INCONVENIENCING VISITING FAMILIES SHANNON POULSEN WROTE THIS The Newark Residents Against the Power Plant (NRAPP) successfully reached their defined goal of “inconveniencing as many visiting families as possible” last Decision Day by occupying the most important areas of campus.

“They thought it’d be that simple to park? Not at UD! I bet that made their day just that bit more difficult when they had to turn around in front of Allison Hall,” said Moore. “That was step one of many steps of inconvenience.”

Protesters held signs, banners, and handed out flyers at key points on campus, blocking walkways and diverting attention away from tour-guides. They planned the protest during one of the university’s Decision Days, where admitted students come for a day to learn about life at UD.

“I asked them very nicely to stand to the side a little bit so families could see the turn but still see their banners. Sadly, they said no,” said Blue Hen Ambassador Rachel Duncan. “They snickered to each other and moved a little closer to me. I agree with their protesting, I don’t want a power plant here either, but I don’t think they were at Perkins to raise awareness for their cause.”

“Families came here to get information about the campus, but boy oh boy, did we give them a surprise!” said protester Larry Moore. “When they thought they’d be freely given more information about their academic path at UD during a hassle-free day, we made sure they were bogged down with information that did not concern their visit here!” The day began around 7:00a.m. when families began to drive through the Perkins Parking Garage. As tour guides jumped up and down, signaling for families to “turn here,” protesters blocked the small tour guides behind giant banners, causing many families to miss the directions.

Reports filed by tour guides state that for each family that missed the Perkins turn-off, protesters marked a tally on the back of a master banner. As the parking garage filled up, protesters then moved to the crosswalk in front of Perkins, where family members crossed Academy Street to move onto the next event on their itinerary. “So picture this: you’re a tired dad, you just drove 2 hours to get here, you missed the parking turn, stood in the registration line for 30 minutes, and now, you’re moving on

to an hour-long information session about the communications requirements. Obviously, you’re susceptible to some tomfoolery. When someone like me hands you a pamphlet with a smile, you’re gonna think it’s full of UD information, but WOO-WEE, we gave out pamphlets with nothing relevant at all!” said 65-year-old protester Thomas Halen. Halen then skipped away, laughing audibly to what The Black Sheep can only guess was his idea of a joke. Families quickly commented on the protesters: “Where’s Gore? I have to be at Gore 117 for the chemical engineering session. Where’s a college kid to help me? You-- yeah you go here right- where is ‘the green?’” said mother Lisa Lightner. Despite the perfectly organized interruptions, reports indicate that there is some dissent among the protesters. “I was told that we were going to be demonstrating the negatives about the power plant to people that can actually do something, not a bunch of out-of-state families,” said UD student and protestor-of-the-power-plant Camille

Stein. “Instead, I was told to stand here and ask busy families to contact admissions about the power plant.” “Stein doesn’t get what makes a protest good,” said protest organizer Reid Wane. “You gotta hit ‘em where it hurts, and that’s by slightly annoying a bunch of bored, hungry families. It’s our mission statement.” The rest of Decision Day had a looser structure, allowing families

to wander around campus, get free UDairy ice cream, and check out Main Street. Protesters faced a difficult time targeting large groups of families due to their newfound freedom. “I noticed for a moment that families weren’t paying attention to us anymore,” said Moore. “But we got it right back when we dressed a dog up in a ‘dogs 4 clean air’ onesie. People came flocking. Nothing is more important than learning about something that directly af-

fects you, through a puppy.” Admissions stated that despite the protesters’ slightly annoying actions, the day went well. Admissions representative Tyler Case shared the day’s success: “Families love it here. They think that the college kids here are nice, the campus is beautiful, and that the ice cream is delicious. And as for the protesters? Well, that’s what makes a college campus exciting.”

PAGE 4 RUGBY PLAYER BROMANCE TURNS INTO GAY RELATIONSHIP

PAGE 7 TOP 10: WAYS NETFLIX CAN HELP YOU STUDY

PAGE 13 FRIENDS MISREADS FRIEND GROUP AURA AS BLUE, ACTUALLY ORANGE

CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE?

YOU DON’T HAVE TO QUIT YOUR FAVORITE HABIT TO PASS YOUR FINALS.

DOESN’T EVERYONE KNOW TO STAY AWAY FROM THOSE ORANGE BITCHES?

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RUGBY PLAYER BROMANCE SEAMLESSLY TURNS INTO COMMITTED GAY RELATIONSHIP PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS

Over the academic year a close friendship between two members of the club rugby team unexpectedly and unnoticeably transformed into a committed gay domestic partnership. Sources say that Luke Michaels and Chad Brenner, ’14, accidentally started this relationship while leasing a house together their super-senior year. “The two of them have been friends forever. They met on the team when they were freshmen,” commented close friend Sarah Vasquez. “I won’t say that much has changed. Really, they’re still the same, sweaty, belligerent drunks who tried to feed me Jell-O shots back in Rodney.” As for pinpointing the exact start of their relationship, the couple proved elusive. “I guess it was well after we moved in here,” said Michaels. “We went to D.P. Dough at 3 a.m. one Saturday; we were just hanging out, doing… guy things. I’d say that was around… Bro? Brosef? When did we go to D.P. Dough? No, I know yesterday. What about that time we shared the French fry and bro-kissed in the middle? Yeah, around

October.” Other particulars about the start of their relationship are unclear. “Well, we went shopping for furniture together. We got a beer pong table, a vinyl Natty Light banner, an old school Die Hard poster,” Brennan commented. “Then we went antiquing, and Luke here took me to that sushi place he knows in Wilmington; we had such a fun Sunday. Just two dudes. Doing… straight dude things. Nothing else.” “Things have been weird. Like our house just started… changing,” added Michaels. “Every week one of my Patagonia sweatshirts would just disappear out my closet. Out of thin air. Two days later, a tasteful sweater-vest or a cute turtleneck would just appear in its place. Our twin beds were turned into a queen-sized, and the sheets were properly made. I don’t know how to explain it.” Reactions from teammates have been positive. Jordan Palmer, ’15, said “Luke and Chad are

great together. We had a bunch of dages at their house in the fall. Once it got too cold, they started wine and cheese night, and the book club. They bring the Charles Shaw, and it’s a great night with the bros.” On Michaels and Brenner’s mantel is a card from Palmer and the team. The card has a preseason picture of the team, with a note on the inside reading “Happy six-month anniversary, fags!” along with everyone’s signature. “Their house itself has changed a lot since the beginning of the year,” Vasquez added. “The Smirnoff bottle above the fireplace was replaced with that old tea kettle they found in that thrift store in the Outer Banks, and they have a little hedgehog to wipe your shoes on.” Truthfully, when reporting this, the house was tastefully decorated and it smelled fantastic. “All the trash on our floor started disappearing, and when we came back from winter break, there were all these oriental carpets, but neither of us remember getting them,” said Michaels. “The Die Hard poster stayed. We moved it to the bedroom. Bruce is there to keep

us safe.” Since beginning, their relationship has evolved quickly. They’ve adopted a labradoodle they named Theodore who sleeps at the foot of their bed. They also spent the holidays with Brenner’s parents, and got non-ironic photos of them, with Theodore, in Christmas sweaters, taken at Sears. The two have already made plans for moving to Greenwich Village after they graduate in May.

Lotsa

“The money will be tight, and the apartment too, but so is Chad,” Michaels added. I mean, like, me and Chad. The two of us are really tight. I mean, we have a close relationship.” “Shut up you old queen,” responded Brenner, as he entered the room with a tray of tea, which he then set down on the table before nose-nuzzling Michaels. “No homo,” he added.

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ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE WEIRDEST THING YOU’VE EVER PUT IN YOUR MOUTH? Kelsey

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Jack

“Someone else’s foot.”

THE

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TEN

WAYS NETFLIX CAN HELP YOU STUDY

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KELLY FARRELL WROTE THIS You could read a book…or you could start a new series on Netflix. Usually, this choice is easy, but during finals season it seems important to have at least a modicum of responsibility. Don’t worry; we’ll take that away from you. 10.) Read the book and highlight key words: Find buzzwords for your exam! Or watch Gordon Ramsay travel North America in search of shoddy restaurants to roast. When he arrives, the wait staff panics and serves him a pile of food he can insult and then spit out. But eventually, he does some stuff and then it seems like a really nice place. Netflix Category Designation: Formulated Schadenfreude

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9.) Ask friends for a copy of their notes: They might have better ones! What’s better is NBC’s Emmy-winning series, which managed to surprise the world by being the only good American remake of a British TV show. The show follows the misadventures of Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company in Scranton, Pennsylvania, led by the aggressively awkward regional manager, Michael Scott. Netflix Category Designation: Comedies Where People Look at the Camera like It Has Got to be Shitting Them Right Now

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8.) Make note cards: Buy some at the store or make your own! Or try flipping through this ABC Family original drama about the struggles of Amy, who gets pregnant during her high school’s marching band practice after a sordid affair with the local bad boy. Amy’s life overlaps with those of her peers, who include promiscuous jailbait, children of the corn, and repressed church people. Netflix Category Designation: Shows that Mention Sex 27 Times Per Minute 7.) Look up tips for your professor’s exams on RateMyProfessor.com: They might give away an answer. Or watch an intriguing medical mystery drama about an office full of white, sarcastic alcoholics who must learn to cope after a rare condition causes them to be permanently covered in a cloud of cigarette smoke and overt misogyny. Netflix Category Designation: I’ll Take Vintage Brassieres for 500, Alex 6.) Think of key people and relate them to your life: Betsy Ross made the flag? You made dinner! Other famous women include Piper Chapman, who is caught smuggling drugs internationally and is sent to prison. A diverse, lovable cast engages in all sorts of extralegal tomfoolery based on events in the life of Piper Kerman. Netflix Category Designation: Shows You Regret Watching with Your Parents 5.) Re-write all of your notes: Writing things commits them to memory! Also memorize the plot featuring a fast-talking eccentric detective sleuthing out London’s finest murderers with his pocket-sized sass-master, John Watson, MD. Their relationship has the kind of electric chemistry that stodgy newspapers call “an intense platonic bond,” with some wink-wink, nudge-nudge on the side. Netflix Category Designation: Shows with Spinoff-Worthy Villains

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4.) Make pneumonic devices to help with remembering: Acronyms? Totally helpful. Learning character names also helps. When Richard Grimes, a sheriff’s deputy, awakens in post-apocalyptic Georgia, he is forced to fight his way into Atlanta in an attempt to find his family and reach the CDC. By the way, ZOMBIES. Netflix Category Designation: Socially Acceptable Zombie Shows 3.) Look up online quizzes: They can test your knowledge. This cult show will test your heart. It focuses on a pair of grungy brothers searching for the monster that killed their mother. Sam and Dean Winchester are armed with an arsenal of guns, rock salt, and deep, piercing stares you feel right in the babymaker. While it starts off as a “monster-per-week” program, you’ll soon binge-watch right into the soul-crushing plotline of season 3, unable to turn back. Netflix Category Designation: Canadian Paranormal Dramas with Plaid 2.) Binge-read everything you’ve ever received in the class: Sit down and read, read, read! Also, binge-watch this show about a vengeful southern Democrat and House Majority Whip Frank Underwood, who is skipped over for Secretary of State and uses everything to get on the Cabinet. Netflix Category Designation: Shows about Politics and Kevin Spacey’s Emotions 1.) Take frequent study breaks to keep your mind fresh: Sterling Archer (a crass mama’s-boy-turnedsecret-agent) blunders his way through pseudo-60s espionage alongside aggressive ex-girlfriend Lana, accountant Cyril, and Krieger, who’s the kind of IT guy who’s into sex robots and homeless people. Archer &Co. form the intelligence agency ISIS, which works about as well as you’d expect given that it is hidden above a laundromat. Netflix Category Designation: Spy Stories with Expensive Black Turtlenecks

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$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites

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$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Weinhard's IPA

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WED.

Half Price Burgers, Salsa Night Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Wells, $4 Fireball Shots

Seven Summer Action Flicks...

...and How to Get Her to See Them. by: Brendan

Summer’s staring us in the face, and with it comes action movie seasons. Still, with the unpaid internship and the part-time job, most of your free time is spent with your ladyfriend, and she doesn’t care nearly as much as you do about things that go boom. That doesn’t mean you have to wait for these flicks to be made readily available online—small screens and grainy resolutions are no laughing matter. Use the arguments below, and you’ll be able to spend this summer exactly how you planned to spend it: In a dark, cold room talking to no one.

X-Men: Days of Future Past

Godzilla Starring: Bryan Cranston, Elizabeth Olsen, Ken Watanabe Release Date: May 16th Plot Summary: A big lizard shows up and decides it’s going to seriously wreck some shit. How to Get Her There: “You know I love your sense of activism, babe. And, like, when you were protesting the proliferation of nuclear power last semester—well, Godzilla is kind of like that! It’s basically about how we shouldn’t have nukes, and you agree with that, right? And to best convey your message, you need to connect to your audience, right? What better way to do that than to do it in an action movie? Exactly, we’ll check it out.”

Transformers: Age of Extinction

edge of tomorrow Starring: Tom Cruise, Emily Blunt, Bill Paxton Release Date: June 6th Plot Summary: A soldier sent on a suicide mission dies, then wakes up alive to do the same thing all over again each day. How to Get Her There: “Baby, you love The Devil Wears Prada, right? Well, this has the same catty English lady in it! God, she came down so hard on Anne Hathaway’s outfits, right babe? Well, can you imagine what she’ll have to say about a bunch of metal exosuits and drab gray? That look was so WWII, right?”

Starring: Kelsey Grammer, Mark Wahlberg, Peter Cullen, Stanley Tucci Release Date: June 27th Plot Summary: There’s robots and punching and humans and more punching and then some things explode. How to Get Her There: “Didn’t you say that Thomas kid you’re nannying for a few days a week is, like, really big into Transformers? Yeah, I mean, trust me, all little boys are also little shits—that is, until you get on their good side. Do you have any idea how much the little man will love you if you know who Optimus Prime is? Yeah, the big red semi-truck. Well, there’s more to him that that, my sweet. Like, did you know he’s from Cyberton? No, I’m with you, who cares about explosions? Think of it as like, summer homework.”

Jupiter Ascending Starring: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum Release Date: July 18th Plot Summary: A princess destined for greatness but working as a maid is visited by a genetically modified military man. How to Get Her There: “I mean, this is basically a Disney movie with real actors, and you’re always thinking out loud about which one of those gals you like best. One week it’s Jasmine and the next it’s Belle. Well, how about Jupiter? A disposed queen is a plot device fit for the mouse ears. Throw in a really sexy Channing Tatum as an anthropomorphized wolf thing, and we’re basically waiting for the musical break that sees Jupiter learn something about herself through song.”

Starring: Halle Berry, Hugh Jackman, Ian McKellen, James McAvoy, Jennifer Lawrence, Patrick Stewart, Michael Fassbender, Peter Dinklage Release Date: May 23rd Plot Summary: The X-Men battle through time against their own extinction in a world terrified of them. How to Get Her There: “I know you don’t really care about the XMen, darlin’, but name someone appearing in this movie that you don’t like. J-Law is a given, I remember you crying when she won her Oscar. You love little Tyrion, and he’s in this, and I saw a picture of your dorm room freshman year—you had a shirtless Fassbender picture, don’t even try to hide it!”

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes Starring: Andy Serkis, Gary Oldman, Judy Greer, Keri Russell Release Date: July 11th Plot Summary: A growing band of apes lead by Caesar is threatened by a group of humans ten years after a deadly virus is unleashed. How to Get Her There: “I know James Franco’s not in this one, honey, and I’m sorry, but this one still has a lot going for it. Think of it as a 2-hour anthropology class you can’t take for any credit. You get to see a new civilization rise, another fall, and how the two interact with one another as these events happen. So, it’s like those documentaries you always watch on Netflix, but with CGI monkeys. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

Guardians of the Galaxy Starring: Chris Pratt, Bradley Cooper, Zoe Saldana, Vin Diesel Release Date: August 1st Plot Summary: An adventurer, some aliens and a cursing raccoon traverse the galaxy trying to put a stop to an evil guy’s actions. How to Get Her There: “You know how I always say you so crazy? Well, this movie will be perfect for you, then. I mean, it really is crazy! There’s a tree guy who only says one word over and over again, but bae, get this…there’s a crazy raccoon voiced by Bradley Cooper and he fires guns and I promise you it’ll be so funny. You have a great sense of humor, too, so I totally think you’ll get this. Ah, I’m so lucky to be with you, babe, let’s go watch a raccoon fire some guns.”

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Relationship Status: In a relationship

BARTENDER

Major: General studies, I pretty much went to school for volleyball. Favorite Drink: Vodka Red Bull Favorite Shot: Fireball

ROCKSTAR

Disgusting Drink: Cement mixer What’s the best summertime drink?: Cold beer If you had a clone, what would be the weirdest thing you’d make it do?: Go streaking.

OF THE WEEK Jamie of Greene Turtle

DRINKING GAME You Can’t Take it With You Finals are over. Summer is here. Why is it, then, that you’re anxious? Maybe it’s because nothing is packed up and your parents will be here tomorrow. They’re not going to let you take that half a handle, quarter of a fifth, and half a case of beer in the car with you, so, uh…here goes nothin’. What You’ll Need: Whatever beer, wine, and liquor you have laying around. Also, your cleaning supplies. You have those, right? Number of Players: However many roommates you have. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be too nauseous to get lightheaded from the cleaning supplies. How to Play: -Make a list of all the rooms in your apartment. -Divide each of these rooms into a sub-list: Floor, walls and ceiling, furniture, appliances and fixtures. -Draw names. First person drawn gets to choose which room he begins in, etc. -In each room, each participant is required to clean the entire room. -Each time he finishes a sub-segment of the room (floor, furniture, etc.) he may assign a 10-second beer chug or a 5-second wine rip to one of the other participants. -When a participant clears a room, he can assign a shot to another participant. -When a room is cleaned, move onto the next room. -If a participant tops off a garbage bag, he must drop off said garbage bag. -A participant who finishes cleaning a sub-segment of a room may ask the other participants if it is adequately clean. If asked, participants must be honest about the cleanliness of a room. -If a participant cleans a sub-segment of a room and doesn’t ask for a cleanliness check, then assigns drinks and a room is later dubbed not properly cleaned, the person assigned to that room must match the drinks he assigned. The Game Ends When: Your apartment is clean…enough to get most of your security deposit back.

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If you were named mayor of Newark, what would be the first thing you’d do?: Go out and celebrate!

If you could have something named for you after you die, what would it be?: A football team. What’s the worst prank you’ve seen someone pull at a party?: I saw a bartender ring out a dish rag in someone’s drink. Assuming you had to get a tattoo on your forehead, what would it be?: “I don’t know.” What new slang word are you tired of hearing?: “YOLO” What 90s nostalgia is criminally underrated?: Lower gas prices. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because Mike is awesome.

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FRIEND MISREADS FRIEND GROUP AURA AS BLUE, ACTUALLY ORANGE SHIV PATEL WROTE THIS Penelope Hughes, known for her impeccable aura-sensing skills, recently made a mistake. In the beginning of the year, she found a group of friends who radiated the coveted blue aura. After experiencing heightened aura-sensing abilities, she realized that the friends she bonded to early in her freshman year now have orange auras — the color of evil. Hughes considers herself as an aurasensing expert. With just one glance, she can see a specific color a person radiates. Then using aura-sensing science, she associates each color with a personality trait. She put these skills to the test to find her first friends on campus. “I was walking on the Smith Overpass, and, like, there was a group of girls who radiated a deep, ocean-blue color. And I thought to myself, these are girls to be best friends with!” It is proven that when someone radiates blue energy, they are loyal, humorous, and compassionate. Since the 1880s, the science of aura

sensing has been increasing in popularity. According to the National Board of Education, it is one of the few sciences that is popular among teenagers (the other being astrophysics). So, it should be no surprise that freshman Penelope Hughes is an aura-sensing expert.

“ANYONE WHO RADIATES ORANGE IS THE TYPE OF PERSON TO STEAL YOUR FRIES WHEN YOU’RE NOT LOOKING.” “I started aura sensing in the fourth grade when my teacher taught us about it. Ever since then, my parents have taken me to aura-reading day camps and museums. It’s actually my favorite thing to learn in school,” Hughes explained. According to Hughes, when she saw the girls, she walked straight to them and told them that the universe’s vibrations meant they had to be friends. “Oh my gosh! We were perfect for each other. We enjoyed being free spirits, a blue trait. And because we were all blue, we all

got along.” The situation quickly changed, though, after she contracted a stomach virus. “I wasn’t feeling well. My stomach was in knots, and I felt dizzy,” explained Hughes. To help alleviate her suffering, Penelope drank a quinoa and kale shake “to cleanse the mind, body and soul.” The shake not only cured Penelope of her illness, but shifted her aura-sensing abilities. While riding her scooter to meet her friends for lunch, she noticed that the colors around certain people changed, even those of her friends. “As soon as I saw them, their auras were not a pretty blue, but an ugly rust-sunburnvomit-flame orange.” Aura-sensing science explains that orange is the color of the devil. “Anyone who radiates orange is the type of person to steal your fries when you’re not looking. People with orange auras tend to be sadists, as well” noted How to Master

Aura-Reading, A Known Science, a required read in the Delaware educational system. In fact, it is believed that Brutus Caesar, Charles Manson, and President Harker all have, or had, orange auras. Because of her friends’ orange aura, Hughes decided to leave them and forget any memories she had of them. “I can’t do this. The quick change? And to orange?! They don’t exist to me,” she reiterated. “She saw us from a distance, and then all of a sudden she turned around on her

scooter, and fled. I haven’t talked to her since. According to her, my aura turned orange, but I just don’t see it. I’ve always been a true blue. Maybe SHE wasn’t a blue after all,” ex-friend Janet Finn explained. When asked about how she plans to find new friends, Penelope replied, “I think I’m going to go look for new blue aura people. But who knows, perhaps there will be green vibrations that will attract me. I just know to stay away from all things orange.” Penelope looks toward the bright orange sun surrounded by the expansive blue sky, and with one breath exhales an, “ugh,” her face contorted with disgust.

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It’s Like No One’s Even Considering That STAR Campus Could Give You Superpowers

B WE HE T M FRO

Daniel McGinley wrote this Amid all the talk about the possible construction of a new power plant at the STAR Campus, reports indicate that, like, no one is even considering that this new project could give someone, possibly you, superpowers. The ominous tension surrounding the project, the high levels of pollution, and its cuttingedge technology – these are all factors that suggest that a lucky individual could be accidentally endowed with any number of superhuman traits. The debate around the issue has so far been limited to concerns about transparency and environmental impact. Sources note that while many superheroes gain their powers from scientific endeavors gone awry, including Spider-Man, the Flash, and the Hulk, none of this has been mentioned at town hall meetings, Decision Day protests, or the usually varied opinions of internet commenters. Possible nontalked-about skills to acquire include the ability to fly, x-ray vision, or maybe some sort of chicken-related gimmick that would never appeal to a wide audience

Sorority Girl Realizes Entire College Career Geared Towards Dancing in Loosely Mean Girls-Themed Show

but may attract a small and devoted niche following of fans. While students and permanent Newark residents alike have devoted a lot of time and effort to the STAR Campus debate, observers say that not a single one of the many signs placed around the city has a slogan such as, “STAR might make you into a Star!” or “I’m for the Superpower Plant!” Even the university administration, which has received a lot

of pushback on the project, has failed to mention the proclivity for man’s unending quest for industrial greatness to result in three-color pulp heroes and their subsequent gritty movie reboots. At least one report indicated that among reports reporting that no one is talking about a possible superhero factory, none of the reports have mentioned that just as many supervillains are created from such projects.

On the eve of Friday’s Airband competition, University of Delaware senior and sorority member Grace Holton reportedly came to the realization that her entire collegiate experience had been focused on producing, choreographing, and performing a vaguely Mean Girlsesque song-and-dance routine. Sources confirmed that Holton, who has spent countless hours conceiving and then practicing a set for the upcoming event, got a glazed look on her face and sank into a sofa at her sorority’s chapter house. “Tomorrow I’ll have paid thousands of dollars in total dues, pledge pins, meal plans, dress rentals for formals, and housing fees so I can do the

dance for ‘Jingle Bell Rock,’” she said. “I didn’t even want to live in the house sophomore year,” Holton said, to no one in particular. “They didn’t have enough live-in residents so they made me.” Thinking about the part of her chapter’s routine that transitions from Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse” to Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me,” Holton reportedly muttered, “None of these songs have anything to do with Mean Girls.” Onlookers noted that Holton had expended considerable emotional capital in the effort to get the routine down, neglecting other academic and social duties. “Professor Young won’t give any extra credit, and Katie

still can’t get the four flips down when we have the ‘four for you, Glen Coco’ audio clip play,” she said, her eyes blankly focused on one of the several pairs of fake breasts her sorority had purchased to replicate the scene where Amy Poehler’s dog bites her implants. According to sources close to Holton, the English major has very slim prospects in the immediate post-graduation job market, and even slimmer prospects in winning the Airband competition that has served as the de facto culmination of her entire academic career. “Oh God,” said Holton, her eyes suddenly becoming very wide. “Oh God.”

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LOCAL RESIDENT HELPS STUDENTS PREPARE FOR APOCALYPSE ALEXIS MILLER WROTE THIS

Sergeant Magnus, a Newark resident, aided students in preparing for the “upcoming apocalypse” last weekend by hosting an equipment sale on his yard. With the next apocalypse “looming ever-closer,” Magnus wants to make sure students are ready for the purge.

Magnus preps himself for each apocalypse carefully. However, he’s not selfish. Residing on Cleveland Avenue, he sets up select articles he believes will aid others when the end of the world finally rears its ugly head.

This past weekend, his yard transformed into a military store. Along his fence, across two tables and tarps in his front yard, passersby could purchase sleeping bags, knives, backpacks, helmets and clothes, most of it military-issued. Magnus’ backyard holds an array of army vehicles ranging from trucks to tanks, and he has 13 bicycles on his front porch. “I just want the students to be prepared for what’s about to happen! So I’m letting them use some of my spare gear. Some umbrellas for when it rains hellfire, some blankets to cure you of your diseases from Obamacare, and some dehydrated food to eat when the liberal agenda descends on your home and forces you to live in a homeless shelter. Just some spare gear, ya know? You get a lot of spare gear in the army,” said Magnus. Magnus continued, “I need to be ready for anything. Each vehicle is stocked with a substantial supply of food, artillery, and water. I even added up-to-date protection for intruders, nuclear attack, Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, and natural

disasters.” Many know him not from his weekend yard sale, but from seeing him ride his bicycle around campus. He generally dons a navy blue and gold rugby shirt, knee high socks, a baseball hat and sunglasses. He always carries a backpack with him; many believe this is in case of a sudden Armageddon. Neighbors often note the military man as being “eccentric.” Carl Rosenbad, a junior at the University of Delaware, said, “I don’t really know what his deal is. I always felt like he was some punch line out of a movie, you know like James Earl Jones as the crazy neighbor from The Sandlot.” Magnus’ never-dwindling supply causes many to wonder where it comes from, and how he pays for it. Magnus says much of it is from his days in Vietnam, but the Nazi helmets and brand-new sleeping bags leave the question unanswered. “Nazi or not, you’ll want this helmet when your brain is getting rattled by the

earthquakes the poor caused. I heard what’s it’s gonna be like from the stars, and it’s not gonna be good,” said Magnus. Magnus claims the next apocalypse will hit between May 2014 through March 2015. In the past 20 years, there have been 36 predictions about the end of the world, and all were conspiracies that excited those without a sound foundation of reality. Elizabeth Kinney, devout doomsday believer and sophomore at UD, said, “It’s going to be fire. The last apocalypse was water, this will be fire. I don’t agree with how Sgt. Magnus is going about preparing, it’s about prayer, not about possessions.” Magnus had no comment regarding religion and believes everything ends regardless of the existence of a God or not. “The University of Delaware has the man to save them all. Befriend Magnus and you will have a safe place to bunker down during the apocalypse,” concluded Magnus in the third person. “I’ll be selling more next weekend too.”

DOWN: 1) This rapper biggest hit was 2006’s “Ridin’.” 2) Lead singer of The Smiths. 4) “Parting is such sweet sorrow.”

ACROSS: 3) The drummer of The Roots. 5) Legendary drag queen famous for saying, “You better work.” 6) Eccentric, blinged-out pianist. 7) Most famous Icelandic performer. 8) Producer and rapper, also the name of a shoe brand. 9) This massive basketball player often goes by just this abbreviation of his first name. 11) This singer went by just a symbol at one point. 13) High-end Italian fashion company. 15) His first and middle name was Wolfgang Amadeus. 16) “Yo dog, I heard you like cars so we put a car in yo car so you can drive while you drive.” 19) Italian model with gorgeous hair.

the crossword 5) Her instagram name is badgalriri. 10) Blue Ivy’s mother. 11) Famous Native American associated with the colonial settlement of Jamestown, Virginia. 12) The best-selling female recording artist of all time. 14) This “L.E.S. Artistes” real name is Santi White. 17) He’s got two turntables and a microphone. 18) The breakout star of D12.

famous one-word people