F*** it Fridays
The Black Sheep brings you...
“Because you know you checked out on Wednesday...”
Friday, January 14th, 2011 ISSUE 6
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TOP TEN movies to name your manhood after
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we interview chanel preston...she makes nice adult films...
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www.theblacksheeponline.com
party fouls a few rules to live by while drinking and such
Welcome back to F*** it Friday! We know you missed us!
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report card cd review, movie review booze & beer review
MythBuster:
Does beer before liquor really make you sicker? WESTERN MICHIGAN Dana Borzea wrote this
“Never take that one last shot”. “Don’t mix light and dark”. Those are a few phrases we live by when drinking. The phrase most sworn by college students, and other drinkers alike, is “Liquor before beer and you’re in the clear, beer before liquor and you’ve never been sicker.” Like most, I’ve listened to this advice since I took back my first shot many blurry nights ago. Again like most, when drinking that meant pounding shot after shot then following it by beer. If someone didn’t follow this order of drinking and then threw up like it was their job, we would immediately blame them for not listening to the phrase. Yet, if they puked buckets after following the order then we would simply blame it on aaaaaalcohol. So what’s the deal? I decided I wanted to investigate and find out if beer before liquor is truly bad news. I couldn’t use myself for this investigation because I must admit I’m a bit of a lightweight and I would most likely get sick either way. I enlisted my friend Joe to help me out because he sure can handle his alcohol. The experiment was simple. I got Joe wasted first off some Keystone, always smooth beer, then made him take some shots of his old friend Admiral Nelson. Then I asked my intoxicated friend a few questions to see if this myth is worth saving the coronas until later. So, Joe on a scale from 1-10 how drunk would you say you are? “Ehhh an 8 almost pushing a 9”.
Perfect. Now, to describe the level you’re on what words would you use? “Every single word in Get Out of Your Mind by Lil’ John. It’s like the song is on repeat in my head I love it.” Say Susie sold seashells by the sea shore three times really fast. This is what he sounded like: “Sushi shold sheshells buuy the she shore”.
Are you feeling the spins? “Yeah not bad spins though I feel like I’m in a fun drunk teacup. Better than the one with Mickey and those guys because there’s not screaming and throwing up 5-yearolds everywhere”. Do you feel like you’re going to visit yacktown? “Nahh I got off the train the stop right before yacktown”.
Show me your keys, cell phone and wallet. He stumbled around and his wallet was in his back pocket and his keys were in his front, but it took him a good 5 minutes to find his phone. What a rare occasion a drunk person looses their phone….NOT!
You see that girl over there? (Readers keep in mind that I just pointed to a solid 5) Would you hook up with her? He takes a glance at her, “Oh hell yeah and her friend too. Bring them all back why the hell not. Not her though make her stay here.” At least he picked out the 4, good job Joe. Now it’s time for the question to finish off this experiment. Do you feel any different now than when you’ve taken shots first? “I’m schwasted. I’m feeling fantastic. I might have a grrrreat ending to my night. I haven’t thrown up on anyone, well yet. And tomorrow morning I know I’m going to feel like a bus ran me over then reversed and did it again. Yeahhhh not gonna lie there’s nothing really different from a typical drunk time.”
There you go ladies and gentlemen! It looks like this myth is definitely not as valid as we all assumed it to be. With it being the first weekend back at school after break, majority of you will be in Joe’s state of mind. Congrats! When it comes down to it go ahead take that one last shot, mix light and dark, and slam some brews before your liquor. The only rule to live by is “Know your limits”. BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES A SLOPPY DRUNK! No one…
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top 10 Movies to Name Your Manhood After
carl schleider
There are probably a lot of guys out there who already have names for their penis. I’m not judging, guys, but most dudes who seriously name their dicks are probably dicks. However, if you’re a movie buff and are looking for new ideas to give your manhood a proper title, here are some suggestions for you. It’s also acceptable for ladies to look at this list and find the right name for their “boyfriend” / “dude they just met.” 10. The Hunchback of Notre Dame: This is for that unfortunate poor soul. His cock has seen better days. Maybe a part or two bends in a way that most don’t. Mostly he just keeps it hidden away, worried how the God-fearing public would respond. He has a good heart, but the appearance may scare off even the filthiest of gypsies. 9. The Little Rascals: This is for that guy out there who just tries really hard. Maybe he’s so scrawny that his cock and balls more resemble those of a pesky rascal. Sure, he doesn’t get ladies on the regular, but when he does he makes them scream “O’tay!” Sometimes he may get an “Alfalfa” kind of hair situation down there, though, but that can be fixed with some shaving action. He isn’t the “biggest” guy, but he brings an enjoyable time to the table. Or bedroom.
The only possible problem to look out for is if he befriends a young boy.
8. Curious George: This is for that passive guy. Maybe he’s not super confident, but he’s willing to give anything a try. He might even be willing to throw a banana in the mix if a nice young lady is wearing just a yellow hat and binoculars. And just like a monkey, he’s a little on the hairy side.
3. Black Dynamite: This is for those black guys who are extremely blessed in their pants. They’re known as Black Dynamite because they always blow women’s minds. He’s explosive in the bedroom and doesn’t take any crap from anyone… unless it involves a very special body part from a very special lady. The only problem is that, much like a cool looking piece of dynamite, once they blow their load, they’re done for the day. Sorry, ladies, it’s a one time only show.
7. Fast and Furious: This is for that aggressive, possiblyon-steroids guy. He’s incredibly intense and works out all the time. When it’s time for getting his swell on in the bedroom, he treats ladies like his workout; fast and hard. Maybe some women don’t have a ton of time to spend in the sack, so these guys could be right for you. Just like Vin Diesel, though, he may like dudes. 6. What Women Want: This is for that “cock”y guy. You know the one. He’s so secure in his penis size that he’s willing to do anything to get his pants off. Those guys are huge douche bags, especially when their cock region is Anti-Semitic sometimes. 5. The Iron Giant: This is for those athletic, muscular type guys. They’re tough and competitive and like to bring that to the bedroom. Just like the movie though, he has a sweet side that makes him even more appealing, besides from the fact that he’s gigantic.
4. Armageddon: This is for that strong, powerful guy. What he brings to the bedroom could end the world. If you can’t handle his dick you better bring some Nukes because once he starts pumping, he can’t be stopped. After experiencing Armageddon, your world will never be the same. Neither will your vagina.
2. The Last Samurai: This is for that Asian guy who defies all stereotypes. Women expect to find a small dick. Once he gets them to the bedroom, he unleashes just how endowed his weapon of choice is. He shows why he is a true warrior of the bedroom with his size, strength, and agility. Women will want to “sucky, sucky, $5” when they see his business. 1. Deep Impact: This is the highest quality name available for your manhood. You like to leave your mark and girls like your mark left. Your cock is so big that it scares the living shit out of Morgan Freeman. Women have to make sure their seat belt is buckled and their tray table is in its full upright position, because it’s going to be a bouncy, sweaty ride.
So hopefully you found a name that describes you if you’re a guy, because your cock is your best friend. It won’t leave you. It won’t cheat on you with your best friend. It’s always there to accept a helping hand. Or if you’re a girl maybe you found a new name for your boyfriend. Just remember to use protection and hopefully anyone experiencing a Deep Impact or Armageddon is able to walk – or at least stand – the next day.
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The Black Sheep Interviews: Chanel Preston
UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS brendan wrote this
Chanel Preston is a very attractive lady that happens to have sex on camera, which is very convenient to horny dudes the world over. You, horny dude, can catch her on her webcam, on a bunch of DVDs, or on her site, ChanelPreston.com. We caught up with her over the phone, the least erotic of the communication devices.
scenes thrown in. I’m Mr. Orange, so I’m dying the whole time. There’s gonna be some drama involved. TBS: Obviously you choose what kind of sex you have on camera, but how does that decision-making process work for you? Like, what makes you decide you’ll shoot an anal sex scene? Chanel: I had been wanting to do anal and double penetration for a while, and being new to the industry it’s not always a great idea to jump right in to that stuff. I chose to do it because I didn’t just want to be that girl who’s pretty, but that’s all she has going for her. Jules Jordan shot my first anal sex scene, and one day he called me to a DP, and I was like, ‘Yeah, I’ll do that.” TBS: How do you get better at your job? Like, I can write in my off-time, but… Chanel: I’ll watch my scenes sometimes and I’ll go, “I don’t like that,” or “that’s weird.” I read peoples’ reviews of my scenes all the time and take what they have to say as constructive criticism. TBS: Do you have friends in the industry that you talk about this stuff to? What’s your social life like? Chanel: I don’t try to distance myself from the girls or anything, but living in Hawaii, it’s hard for me to hang out. When I’m in LA, I’m there to work. TBS: You recently won the CAVR Starlet of the Year award. Does that mean anything to you or does it afford you any interesting opportunities? Chanel: I’m not interested in being a contract girl, though I do work with contract companies. The award is important because I’m so new, but it will certainly help getting my name out there. TBS: You have several tattoos, do they mean anything? Why did you get them? Chanel: I wish they had more meaning, but I just kind of have them. I put one on my back when I’m 18, it’s so ridiculous I’m getting it removed slowly. The ones on my chest I like. The one on my pubic area was impulsive, I wanted to wax, but I didn’t want to look young. Now I’m like, “Why did I do that?” TBS: Holy crap, did that hurt? Chanel: It was really painful. I wanted to do it because…like…who would do that?
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The Black Sheep: Let’s jump right in; when it comes to shooting scenes, do they let you know what movie you’re shooting before they arrive on set, or do they just kind of shoot stuff and fit it into movies later? Chanel Preston: It depends. A lot of times they will tell you, but there have been a couple of times I didn’t know what DVD it would be for. They’d let you know the people you’d be working with, though. TBS: And do you guys script the sex beforehand, or what? How much of it is organic? Chanel: It’s very scripted the majority of the time. They’ll tell you, so they’ll start by saying “This is the dialogue in the beginning, I want you to…” Then you start going at it. You’ll start in one position and then you’ll cut and do another position. It really depends where you’re shooting scenes, because obviously it doesn’t work when you’re on a table or whatever. There’s a few times when the director will just say “go for it,” but that’s usually when they’ve worked with the male talent several times and the male talent knows what he’s doing. TBS: Can you walk through a typical day on set for you? Chanel: If I’m shooting a gonzo film usually I’m in makeup for two or three hours. After that you do your “pretty girl pictures” where it’s just you modeling with no guys involved. Then usually that’s when the guy shows up. After that you’re shooting the sex scene and stills. Then you’re done. I’d say I’m usually there for about five hours. TBS: So you’ve been in the “XXX Parodies” before. How is that different in terms of preparation? Chanel: I was in a Wonder Woman parody. I was watching the show so I could develop the character, and I was just like, ‘Gosh, this lady has no personality.” Now I’m doing a Reservoir Dogs parody, but the director doesn’t want it to be a parody, he wants it to be a homage. It’s going to be, like, word-for-word with sex
TBS: How do you get better at your job? Like, I can write in my off-time, but…
VOCAB!
Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens!
Hairitage: Foregoing pube grooming to better get in touch with one’s ancestors. Sentence: “Ben, the reason I haven’t shaved my pussy in two months is because I’m trying to better know my ancestors by learning about my hairitage.”(
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Party Foul: Etiquette for Drinking
WESTERN MICHIGAN UNIVERSITY
Ashley Loomis wrote this
Emily Post can suck it. This isn’t the early 20th century anymore and those old rules just don’t apply. However, you can’t just go to some party willy-nilly and act a fool, lest you end up being “that guy” that no one wants to be. In my many years of disapproving at parties, I’ve come up with a comprehensive list of behavior that is completely unacceptable (says me). Now, I’ll have my spies all over campus and trolling the bars from Waldo’s to Shakespeare’s Pub to Wayside…all to catch those of you who insist on acting like asses. Please believe in the coming weeks we’re going to be discussing you… probably in a public forum.
When you begin to slur your words, slow your roll. I happen to be a professional drinker and can speak, type and text with absolute correctness while on the sauce. You would think this is a good thing, but no… it’s not. If you appear sober when you’re actually a shitwrecked mess, no one ever buys the whole “Sorry I was such a douche when I was so hammered.” However, a lot of you folks can’t seem to maintain. Ladies especially, when you start to slur your words and just allow yourself to get messier and messier, you look like an idiot. You look like the girl who can’t handle her booze. You’d hate to run into a professor…or heaven forbid your boyfriend’s parents, when you can’t even form a coherent sentence, now wouldn’t you? Always remember it’s a small world and you never know who’s at the party or the bar. Don’t “taste” other people’s drinks. People who do that automatically deserve to have their teeth knocked down their throats. Now, if we’re hanging out and I’m trying a drink I’ve never had before and offer you a sip because it’s so good? By all means Boo-Boo, take a sip. If I’m in the bathroom, though, and you drink some of my cocktail and tell the bartender you’re going to just “taste” it? I’m going to knock you over. Chances are I’ve slept with that bartender and they’re going to tell me what you did at our next booty call. Hands off other peoples drinks, asshole.
When the party is over…it’s over. It’s three a.m., and everyone is a filthy drunk mess. Unfortunately, you’ve been doing Jaeger bombs all night long so not only are you hammered, you’re wide awake. That’s your own bad luck. Everyone else used their brains and realized they didn’t want to be up hammered all night long. They didn’t consume fucking energy drinks with their alcohol. Don’t start asking people to stay up and party with you. If you can tell people are ready to go to bed, it’s rude to put them in a position where they feel bad for doing what their bodies need to do…pass out. You’ll wind up looking like the loser with low self esteem and no one wants to look like the sad sally at the party. No good. Know your limit. If I’m three barstools down from you, and you’ve just taken your eighty-third shot of Patron to look like a rough and tumble bitch to the hot guy with all the tattoos, then you suddenly puke your Taco Bell dinner all over the bar because you’re dumb and don’t know when your body will start rejecting alcohol, I’m going to be so unimpressed I’ll spread awful lies about you just so you’re black-listed from as many bars and parties as I deem appropriate. I get wanting to look tough for tough hot guys, but girls who know their limit look a hell of a lot tougher than your stupid ass. He’s going to think it’s much sexier when you’re hammered, slutty and don’t have vomit on your chin.
Be aware of who you’re hitting on. I can’t even count how many times my friend Lisa has had to break a bottle to defend me against some hyper-sensitive bitch with bad extensions, all because I tend to not give a damn if the guy I’m hitting on has a girlfriend or not, nor do I care that she’s sitting directly next to him. At 22 years old, it’s ridiculous and I recommend breaking yourself of this awful habit, should you be committing said etiquette infraction, because making enemies at your favorite Kalamazoo bar or party house is never, ever good. You never know who they know working at the bar, or who they know at the party. Guy or girl, watch your shit.
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(answers on Pg. 5)
MOVIE TRIVIA: ALL ABOUT KINGS! What else is competitive Donkey Kong gamer Billy Mitchell (from “The King of Kong”) famous for?
The musical “The King and I” takes placed in Siam. What is that country known as today?
In the 1991 comedy “King Ralph,” John Goodman’s character falls for a woman of what profession?
What was the budget for the original “King Kong,” released in 1933?
REPORT CARD MOVIE REVIEW title:
The Kings Speech
Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, name(s): Helena Bonham Carter
suggestions:
O A-
The historical drama isn’t for everyone. They’re usually heavy, demanding, emotional films that require a lot of thinking. Plus you pretty much know going into a historical film that no one is going to get hit in the groin. But often times, as cliché old guys on the History Channel say, the truth can be more interesting than fiction, which is why some of the best movies are based on true events.
director: Tom Hooper MOVIE TRIVIA ANSWERS: 1. Hot Sauce 2. Thailand 3. Stripping 4. $675,000
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CD REVIEW Name: Cake
Showroom of TITLE: Compassion suggestions:
Sounds Like: Blaaaaah.
O D+
The first (and, ultimately, only) run-in I had with Cake was several years ago, when I worked at a stupid clothing store over Christmas Break. We had many slow nights and I would chat with my favorite manager; a white, gay male over the age of 30 who worked at a store geared toward 13 to 17-year-olds...
Download: “Federal Funding”, “Sick of You”, “The Winter”
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Listen to it When: You’re permanently zoned out, playing video games.
BOOZE REVIEW
BEER REVIEW
Name: Early Times
TITLE: Kentucky Whiskey
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suggestions:
on the rocks
with soda mint jupep on chix wings
O B+ CB+ C+ A+
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Name: Cerveceria de Baja
Cerveza Cucapá TITLE: Obscura suggestions:
O b
PRICE: $1.99/Bottle
the beginning: This bottle caught my eye- I’d not seen a Mexican microbrew before. After a diligent search, I finally found a translation of the name on the scholar’s best friend (that would be Wikipedia). Apparently “Cucapá” refers to an indigenous tribe local to the area of the brewery. “Obscura,” or “dark”, refers to this brew’s identity as their darkest beer...
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