The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue Volume 3, Issue 16 12/6/12 - 12/14/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_UGA
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contents page 4: Santa the Bulldawg How come it took us this long to realize Santa is a UGA alum?
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 4: From the Streets How do you carry on your college lifestyle at home?
Table of
page 6: the MadLib DISTRACT YOURSELF FROM STUDYING BY FILLING IN THE _____________ !
page 10: The Best Ways to get Arrested during Finals Week A PIECE OF ADVICE FROM ATHEN’S LARGEST COLLECTION OF YOLOSEXUALS.
page 13: The Word Search PRETTY SELF EXPLANATORY GUYS, KIDS FROM Florida COULD FIGURE THIS OUT!
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word of the week borantine:
The act of locking oneself into a quiet area to force oneself to study for an upcoming exam. "Neil put himself into borantine because he knew Adam and Keith would force him to play beer pong, and he really needed to ace his biology exam."
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
How do you carry on your college lifestyle at home? “My college lifestyle is pretty embarrassingly evident in the kitchen because my cooking has become soup or microwave-made grilled cheese and instant coffee.” - Amy A., Senior
Santa the Bulldawg
jess wise wrote this
The holiday season is upon us, and we all know what that means: College application time! Of course, we’ve already struggled through that particular brand of hell, but remember when you couldn’t enjoy your Christmas vacation because you were worried about applying to six different schools the whole time? You know who didn’t apply to six colleges? Santa. We know Santa wouldn’t have six essays to complete. His outfit is all red, and his accessories are black—he’s a Georgia fan. He’s been wearing his game day outfit since the dawn of time! Naturally, he would only apply to UGA, so he would find out he got in just in time for the holidays. Merry Christmas, Santa! Santa Claus, Dawg for life. Santa could befriend anyone and everyone, so he’d probably live in Creswell or Russell. Sure, those dorms are the epitome of gross, but it’s social hour 24/7, and he would eat that up. Also, Santa is required to be perpetually jolly, so that’s one student that would never complain to the administration if a stranger blew chunks on his bed or stole his laptop.
lebrity, but Santa would still find a way to be bros with all of them. In true form, Mrs. Claus would be in a sorority, and the Clauses would quickly become the campus golden couple. They would walk hand in hand through North Campus, waving merrily at all of the passers-by. Even though it’s gross when other people do it, we would let them have picnics and photo shoots on Herty Field. If anything is a photo op, it’s Santa and Mrs. Claus. Santa’s people skills make him a shoe-in for Grady, so he would major in something like PR. He loves relating with the public—he’s been doing it for hundreds of years! And even though Grady has some of the sweetest study abroad programs, Santa would step aside and let other students participate. He travels for work, you know, so he doesn’t really need to study abroad to see France.
“In true form, Mrs. Claus would be in a sorority, and the Clauses would quickly become the campus golden couple.”
After freshman year, Santa would move with three of his best bros to Lakeside, because it is the most populated nondorm in Athens and only a 30 second drive to about 9 other apartment complexes. Santa would never run out of people to “ho ho ho” with! He would bring cookies to everyone all the time (thanks Mrs. Claus!), and they would all simultaneously love him and gain 30 pounds each. The management would have to reinforce all of the floorboards. Also, since Santa loves to socialize, and he obviously enjoys a beer or 12 (have you seen that belly?), he would definitely partake in Greek life. All the fraternities would fight over UGA’s newest ce-
“I use everything I learned the previous semester and find ways to incorporate them into my daily life. And my current semester? I’m finding ways to procrastinate on them until next semester.” - Garrett K., Junior
Obviously, Santa’s school spirit would be off the charts. He has never been one to half-ass anything, so he will wear UGA t-shirts instead of plain undershirts, and he’ll sneak admissions brochures into the stockings of every boy and girl. He’ll also religiously attend every home football game during his four years at Georgia, rain or shine. He’ll bark louder, cheer longer, and be drunker merrier. Even after he graduates, Santa will forever be a legend on campus. He’ll stop by to say hello and distribute cookies every few weeks, popping in and out of classes and riding around on the buses shaking hands. And, because he’s Santa and is therefore magical (duh), UGA will have the most awesome football team every year, and we will win the National Championship until the end of time. Winning never gets old. And neither does Santa.
“You don’t really. Studying is impossible and all the friends you see are high school friends.” - Courtney M., Sophomore
The Top 10
Things that Happened On Campus This Year
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EVERYDAY UNTIL 8PM! 10.) Star Running Back Isaiah Crowell Dismissed: After Isaiah Crowell was arrested on two felony weapon charges, it was difficult to pinpoint whether he was a full-blooded gangsta’ or just not very smart. Probably a mixture of both. However, his dismissal from the team hasn’t been a big deal thanks to our freshman studs Gurley and Marshall. 9.) Red & Black Walk Out: Due to lack of student control over the Red & Black, the staff refused to write for the paper and created the Red & Dead. No one is exactly sure what this walkout accomplished, but for three days it was a big deal on Twitter. The Red & Dead lasted a whole three days! Wow, they really stuck it to those overbearing non-student employees and taught them a lesson… We think. 8.) UGA Won The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party: We went down to Jacksonville, Florida and showed the Gators that we are superior to them in all aspects of life, but most importantly football and drinking. We won the game, won the party, and ultimately we won at life. Oh yeah, and we won the SEC East, so suck on these Bulldawg balls, Florida. 7.) TapthatUGAguy: TapthatUGAguy has taken over campus this year. The ladies snap pictures of attractive (sometimes) guys and they are posted on a Tumblr run by youngsters “Matilda” and “Serena.” Both sexes seem to look at this page equally, which speaks volumes about the inherent creepiness of women, and the massive egos of men. 6.) Cross-Dressing Professor: Over the summer, a university professor was seized in a cross dressing prostitution ring bust. The poor guy was probably freaking out when he was arrested, and for good reason. His mug shot (hilariously unflattering) was put on every local TV station, and even made some national headlines. Should this have been news? No. The public eye moves like a moth to a flame when it sniffs out controversy, and this story was no different. 5.) Aaron Murray’s House Egged After Loss: After UGA got absolutely throttled by South Carolina and sent back from Columbia as little boys, QB Aaron Murray returned to a crib decorated with toilet paper and eggs. This prank had middle school badass written all over it. To make this scenario even more distasteful, Murray was informed of his father’s cancer battle right before. Damn, and you thought your life sucked when we lost to USC. 4.) Opening of the Special Collections Library: This ridiculously expensive structure popped up on campus without anybody noticing. The structure is like 50 percent museum, and 50 percent an old library, which renders it 100 percent lame. 3.) UGA Women’s Soccer Player Arrested for Stealing Hash Browns: Carli Shultis was arrested for stuffing $1.06 worth of hash browns down her pants, instead of paying. She was arrested, taken to jail, and is now banned from eating at 12 different eateries on campus. Ironically, in a 2011 interview she listed Law Abiding Citizen as her favorite movie. 2.) UGA Olympians: Let’s put it this way: UGA balled out in London like Jay-Z and Kanye do whilst in Paris. Yeah, that shit was CRAY. Our current students and alumni tallied seven total medals, including four golds. What does gold medal mean? Is that bad? Did we break the Olympics? 1.) UGA Named #1 on Intense College List: This beautiful crown was placed on our heads based off information compiled by College Prowler. Basically, it means we are geniuses and accomplish our schoolwork, while kicking ass and taking names on the party scene. This is the best award we could possibly be given. So soak it in…. And let’s make this a ritual.
wes allen wrote this
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quiz: Which Late-Night Food Option Are You? 1) When you say you like ethnic food, you really mean... A) Pad thai is for basic bitches. Bring me some of that Khao mu krop mu daeng. B) I like it when my Indian roommate brings food from her parent’s house. That shit’s delicious. C) I’m pretty open-minded with food. I practically grew up on Happy Panda and Taco Bell.
5) What are the most likely circumstances in which you’re obtaining this food? A) The broski I met at Flanagan’s wants to pick something up before we bang. No one shells out the big bucks for a one night stand. B) Happy drunk and unwilling to let the night end so quickly. C) I deserve good things in life. After a busy week, ending the night with quality beer and a second dinner sounds wonderful.
2) What do you let litter your Facebook news feed? A) Funny links from my friends and pictures from the drunk potluck I hosted two weekends ago. B) 800 examples of Skinny Arm Pose with my best frannnd. Or the male equivalent, look-at-this-boyish-smile-instead-of-the-illegal-drink-in-my-hand. C) Classic somewhat-blurry Polaroid shots of my well-dressed friends and fancy-ass high def photography from the weekend at my parents’ mountain home.
6) Most watched television program? A) Other than maybe The Walking Dead or Downton Abbey, I prefer the History Channel and Food Network. B) There are few prime time shows I follow religiously. Slip in a little Avatar: The Last Airbender every so often and I’m set. C) I’ve followed Grey’s Anatomy for years. No regrets.
7) a-1 b-3 c-2 8) a-3 b-1 c-2
the madlib
By: Nikita Joy 5) a-1 b-2 c-3 6) a-3 b-2 c-1
answers:
8) Where in Athens do you call home? A) I used to live at Farmer’s Exchange, but now I live north of Prince Ave. B) Myself and everyone I know lives at Lakeside. C) It’s not exactly unique, but the Reserve’s pretty cool.
3) a-1 b-3 c-2 4) a-2 b-3 c-1
4) To what extent do your friends know you listen to Linkin Park and Taylor Swift? A) I do enjoy TSwift, but I keep that information quiet. Private Session on Spotify is my friend. B) Don’t insult me. C) We blast that shit before going out.
1) a-3 b-2 c-1 2) a-2 b-1- a-3
3) When you imagine traveling for pleasure after graduation, where you do dream of going? A) I love New York, but I’ve always wanted to see Paris too! B) Backpacking. Preferably, across Europe or Southeast Asia. C) I’ve considered spending the summer working at a pub in England, but wouldn’t mind settling for an internship in Toronto.
7) You have to stay on campus for a group project. Where do you grab lunch? A) The vending machine. Diet Coke and pop tarts count for a meal, right? B) I walk downtown and pick up Taco Stand. So much better than Tate Center’s O’House/Barberitos hybrid. C) Don’t hate on Tate. I refill my bulldog bucks card so Wells Fargo can’t track how often I eat Chick-fil-A.
14-20: little italy
Equally wallet-friendly, but so much more respectable as a late night dining experience, Little Italy’s patrons think a little harder before settling on a restaurant. You value quality friend time and a comfortable environment, and you seem like one chill mother*cker. Let’s be friends.
21-24 points: trappeze pub
You’re not spontaneous but at least you have great taste! If you’re willing to schedule weekend plans around ending the night at Trappeze, you’re probably also a little pretentious. One percent, bitches. You indulge your wallet on fancy foods just so you can discuss the research project from your crossover 4000/6000 level religion course and scoff at anyone that dares enter Bourbon or Jerzees and *gasp* enjoys a Top 40 song.
my last night in town
After spending your last week at Georgia ___1___, you decide it’s time to go crazy on your last night before heading to ___2___. You call up some friends and tell them it’s time for a wild and ___3___ night. They all respond with a resounding, “Oh ___4___ yea!” So you ___5___ your posse and head downtown. After grabbing some ___6___ at Transmet, you lick off your ___7___ and go to get your drank on. You start walking towards your favorite bar, ___8___. Judging by the ___9___ passed out on the street by the bar, somebody already ___10___ a little too hard. The music is ___11___ and your ___12___ starts wiggling around in response. A ___13___ comes up and starts ___14___ on you. You hope that the person ___15___ you is ___16___ but you turn around and yell, “___17___!” in disgust. To loosen up, you run over to the bar and order ___18___. Your friends and you begin tossing back the ___19___ and soon enough you’re all ___20___ on the bar worse than a Florida student. Things start to get ___21___ after that when you look back on the whole night. You found pictures of yourself ___22___ on Broad Street and woke up with a tattoo of a ___23___. All in all it was quite a ___24___ night. Well, 2013 in Athens should be even better. By: katie weimer
8-13 points: Choo-choo
You’re drunk, tired, and getting more and more hangry (angry/hungry) by the minute. The moment teriyaki chicken and yellow sauce pops in your head, the post-downtown food frenzy begins. Everyone that has experienced Choo Choo after a night out can agree upon its deliciousness, but there’s only so much food poisoning one can take before graduating from the freshmen tradition.
1. –ing verb 2. place 3. adjective 4. expletive 5. verb 6. food 7. body part 8. bar 9. noun 10. –ed verb 11. adjective 12. body part 13. type of person
14. –ing verb 15. same –ing verb as 16 16. adjective 17. exclamation 18. plural noun 19. plural noun 20. –ing verb 21. adjective 21. –ing verb 23. noun 24. adjective
The Grid Friday & Saturday Happy Hour 9pm -11pm! $2 Bud Light and Miller Lite
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$2 Wells $2 Domestics
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THURS. 12/6
$1.50 PBR Happy Hour Specials 4PM-9PM
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Power Hour 9pm - 11pm: $1 Well Drinks $4 Firefly Drinks All Night
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FRI. 12/7
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$2 Vodka Well Drinks $2 High Life Pitchers $4 Skinny Girl Cucumber Vodka Drinks $5 Wine Bottles $5 Bottles of Wine
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$1.50 Off All Pitchers! $2.50 Lone Star Tall Boys $3.50 Bells Beers
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The Best Ways to Get Arrested During Finals Week Walker Smith wrote this
The University of Georgia offers a dizzying array of ways to end up in a jail cell. It doesn’t help that the police force is eager to put away the kids with their drunken insanity, but it might be more important that there are just so many awesome illegal things to do with your time. The bail bondsmen don’t set up shop in Athens just because they like the Golden Bowl at the Grit. The overnight stay in this town’s worst hotel isn’t the best coming of age rite, but it certainly is one, and you don’t want to go down for something average. In the great tradition of southern stupidity, you better go with the blaze of glory option. Here are just a few great ways to end up in the slammer, just in time to miss your finals and fail out. Scale the Arch: The symbol of the school and most recognizable landmark in downtown Athens, the Arch sure looks like it would be one hell of a jungle gym (at least until they install the actual gym we’ve been requesting for several semesters). Allegedly if you walk through it you won’t graduate on time, but they don’t say anything about climbing it. And you know the boys in blue will notice immediately.
Take a Swim: There are quite a few illicit places to go night swimming. The most famous is the inspiration for the great R.E.M. song of that name: The swimming pool at the Deville apartment complex, where Micheal Stipe’s naked junk once dipped freely. It’s like bathing in music history. For our money though, we prefer something even further back. Try the fountain by Herty Field on North Campus. It’s funny and you get brave points (and stupid points) for taking a dive into such a public place (and one so heavily patrolled by the University Police). Pee. EVERYWHERE: You hit an irresistible drink special and can barely see straight. This means that you are loaded down with an unbearable liquid weight that must be relieved, immediately. We are in a city full of history, which means there
are plenty of awful and deeply sacrilegious places to do the relieving. Historic cemeteries full of leaders and alumni, statues of the same, and various government buildings will do, but the front door of the SLC just has the perfect shameless appeal. Pick a weeknight and you have a better-than-average chance of catching someone who is also on a late-night study binge with your used-to-be-beer, and you can add a fight and drunk and disorderly charges. Really spice up your blotter entry. Lightweight Champion: That reminds us of one of the most perfect ways to celebrate your independence, youth, and vigor: Get drunk and knock someone’s face in. The really choice places to get cuffed with maximal impact (with a large group of witnesses and possible punch targets) are what may be known around here as “the freshman bars.” Listen for awful music and look for people dancing on tables. Tackle them off said tables. You’ll make a Herald headline for sure.
Nudity for All: There is nothing more classically collegiate than the shameless streaker. Due to more vigilant police, this has become less achievable. It has definitely not become impossible though, especially not for you since you’ve already resigned yourself to time in the clink. Your targets here are obvious: You want to go down a street like Lumpkin, or defile a landmark, like the stadium. Seriously, just hump the shit out of it. Go to town. Good luck getting in and good luck with being a sex offender. Worth it. There isn’t anything quite like the college arrest. You have to hide for the rest of your life and you might lose some job opportunities. But it is a REALLY good story, and those are absolutely priceless. What better way to break the ice than bonding with a new friend over your respective criminal records?
are you smarter than? snelling’s sandra 1) United States History: Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963.
6) Entertainment: Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte -among others -- failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character.
2) Food: The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world’s hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units.
7) Literature: This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike.
3) Geography: These plates’ edges are found at fault lines around the world. What huge pieces of rock make up the Earth’s crust? 4) Math: Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle. 5) Technology: The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this.
correct answers:
8) World Religion: Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith. Which city is considered the holiest? 9) Biology: What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as? 10) Current Events: Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair.
1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the edge of a circle to its center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle. 5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus
sandra’s answers 1) A church. 2) 150 3) Tectonic plates 4) Circumference: All around the outside. Radius: Midpoint to the edge. Diameter: all the way across.
5) Computer language. 6) Indiana Jones 7) I don’t know. 8) Mecca! 9) RNA 10) David Petraeus
sandra's score: 5/10 correct
Crazy
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! ! ! a z n a n o b t e k s a
b t f i g 0 $2
Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money. Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?
for the very virginal Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”
• 1 Pint of shitty vodka ($4): When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it. • 1 Trojan Pleasures Extended 3-pack ($5): Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early. • 1 Pocket Kama Sutra ($6): Yes, page one has the missionary position on it. • 14gb MircoSD Card ($4): He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data.
for the mother hen Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her. • 1 Magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10): With eagleeye vision, she’ll be able to
protect other groups of girls from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun. • 1 Leash ($6): Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close. • 1 Whistle bracelet ($2): As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box. • 1 Appointment book ($2): If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.
for the Brokest of Bros He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one. Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change. • 1 Maruchan Top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50): He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog. Dude’s starving. • 1 12oz bottle of Sriracha sauce ($3): Everything he eats
may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms. • 2 Months of NetFlix streaming ($9): The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache. • 1 Charmin Ultra Soft 4-pack ($6): Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.
for the rowdy roommate The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny. The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet. • 1 Dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6): Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix
this shit immediately” like spackle for the holidays. • 1 Great Neck 1-inch putty knife ($6): The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not. • 1 Woolite Pet Stain & Odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4): It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit. • 1 Korky Plunger ($4): Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.”
for the super study buddy If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now. You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick? • 1 Starbucks gift card ($5): She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you
by morning. • 1 Study Smart, Study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8): If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night? • 1 Post-it tags ($4): She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important. • 1 Funky Star sticker roll ($3): Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her.
for the hometown homeboy Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday-- an actual phone call! Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices. Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do. • 1 Soda Can Stash ($8): No matter the vice, a parent will find it. Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can. • 4 Random shirts from the local
Goodwill ($4): When she’s forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” t-shirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for big-conference sports brings. • 1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5): When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one. • 1 Community college bumper sticker ($3): When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions. Score, social strata superiority.
HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX blowin’ up Les Miserables WIZ KHALIFA - O.N.I.F.C.
DJANGO UNCHAINED
KESHA - WARRIOR
WII U
Bruno Mars Unorthodox Jukebox
lame
cool Big boi - vicious lies and dangerous rumors
GUARDIANS OF MIDDLE EARTH GUILT TRIP
JaCK REACHER ANGELS AND AIRWAVES STOMPING THE PHANTOM BRAKE PEDAL
under-hyped
HOTLINE MIAMI
the CHRISTMAS MOVIES DRINKING GAME
Home Alone
A Christmas Story
Take a drink anytime a scene features hilarious head trauma. Take a drink when anyone says, “Uhh, he should be dead, right?” Take a drink when you notice product placement. Take a drink for “KEVIN!” Take two drinks when someone crashes into the McCallister lawn jockey. Take two drinks for every Old Man Marley sighting. Take two drinks when Kevin talks to himself and/or breaks the fourth wall. Chug your drink during “Carol of the Bells.”
Take a drink for every mention of a Red Rider BB Gun. Take a drink when Ralphie daydreams. Take a drink when Mom serves food. Take a drink when someone says “you’ll shoot your eye out.” Take a drink when Randy whines or cries. Take two drinks when the neighbor’s dogs piss off Mr. Parker. Take two drinks for every Wizard of Oz reference. Chug your drink during the Chinese renditions of “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells.”
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer Take a drink when someone says “Rudolph.” Take a drink when Rudolph’s nose lights up. Keep drinking for the duration of Rudolph’s lit nose. Take a drink every time that smug snowman interrupts the story. Take two drinks when a new Christmas character is introduced. Take two drinks at every Abominable Snowman sighting. Take three drinks in honor of the Island of Misfit Toys. Chug your drink when Rudolph flies.
Elf Take a drink when the Naughty or Nice List is referenced. Take a drink when someone mentions Christmas Spirit. Take a drink when Buddy sings. Take a drink when Buddy eats something he is not supposed to. Take a drink when Maple syrup is shown or mentioned. Take a drink when Buddy tells anyone he loves them. Take two drinks when Buddy says “cotton-headed ninny muggins.” Chug your drink when Mr. Narwhal pops up.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Take a drink when Clark endangers himself or others in pursuit of the ultimate Christmas. Take a drink when something goes wrong. Take a drink when a calendar door is opened. Take a drink when Clark messes with the neighbors, either by accident or on purpose. Take a drink when any animal or person messes with the Griswold Christmas tree. Take two drinks when Clark is irritated by Cousin Eddie. Take two drinks when Clark’s bonus is referenced in conversation. Finish your drink for every family lesson learned/attempted.
The Muppet Christmas Carol Take a drink when Gonzo and Rizzo get into an argument. Take a drink when bell rings or a clock tolls. Take a drink for each Muppet you name incorrectly. Take a drink when someone says “humbug”, “Ebenezer” or “Scrooge.” Take a drink when Michael Cane gets teary-eyed. Take two drinks for each new ghost. Take two drinks when Jacob and Robert Marley laugh at their own jokes. Finish your drink when they sing “The Love We Found.”
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real talk with mizz kuh: your love life in 2013 Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20) Everything happens for a reason. Remember how upset you were about that required class you had to take at 8a.m.? Well say hello an afternoon delight-worthy Gemini who suddenly makes seeing the sunrise a beautiful thing. Bonus: Free rides home on Tuesdays and Thursdays! But be careful, because you still have to wake up stupid early to go to the damn thing. Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Bad things come to those who wait. The cafeteria cutie smiles at you when you order extra cheese on Taco Tuesdays, but it only leads to being hella gassy later. When new employees roll in come late February, you’re suddenly more interested in Sundae Sundays. Bonus: Your calcium intake won’t change at all! But be careful, because ice cream when you’re hungover is a terrible idea. Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Idle hands are the Devil’s playground, and we all know how much you love spending time with that asshole. If you ever opened your fluttery eyes, you’d notice how many people don’t hang out in playgrounds. Try opening a book in February, even if it’s only your MacBook in a very public coffee shop. Bonus: You may just find the thick-rimmed-glasses hottie you’ve always wanted! But be careful, because coffee will stain your pretty white teeth.
Pabst Blue Ribbon Always $1.50
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) If you give an inch, they take a mile. Sure, you just really want to make out with the hottie down the hall, but that doesn’t mean they should drink your handle dry. For God sakes grow some balls, stop supplying booze for the mooch (a, what, psycho Aries?) and start seeing your real friends again. Bonus: More money in your pocket and less pathetic phone calls to the parents! But be careful, because hottie down the hall still has your sweet bong, better get that back, chief.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) A picture is worth a thousand words, which explains why you do more staring at hotties than actual interaction with them. We know it’s scary to get rejected, but it’s scary sitting alone with a bottle of wine every night, too. Rekindle with an alwayshad-a-crush-on friend around the holidays, because a New Year’s kiss will start 2013 out just right. Bonus: You’ll have a drinking buddy! But be careful, because sloptastic kisses don’t leave good impressions.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) The meek might inherit the Earth, but you will rule the shit out of it until then. Roaring your way into every bar in town is fulfilling, but it’s a bit overwhelming at times because drunks just can’t help but drool over you. Grace one person’s presence and stick with them around the holidays. Bonus: Someone to get freak-ay with all the time! But be careful, because you might just get bored by next weekend’s bedtime.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) They say you should do one thing every day that scares you, and you can only take that one way. You’d rather find an interesting place on campus to get a little sexy with than just about anything else. Look out for a cutie towards the beginning of spring, an empty dressing room, and then a place with cheap beer. Bonus: You’ll finally start accomplishing that bucket list! But be careful, because you don’t want to get banned from your favorite clothing store.
Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22) Drunk words are sober thoughts and by God you need to shut your Twitter. Have you even seen your drunken tweets? Circa Saturday at 3:23 a.m.? “once you go black you gettt shots and joints heyyyyyyyyyy.” While Twitter has a delete function, your ethnic friends’ memories do not, you racist. Bonus: Never hurts to date a stoner! But be careful, because you’re suddenly listening to way more Sublime than you ever thought.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. So you got your heart broken right as the school year started, and it’s been a tough time gettin’ back on your feet. Keep your eye out around the holiday’s for a particularly caring cutie who will appreciate your newfound strength. Bonus: This may just be the person who loves egg nog as much as you do. But be careful, because rushing into anything too quick will make you queasy.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. The problem is, you could give a fuck. It’s good to speak your mind but, just like Instagram, a good filter can really work wonders. Find a kind Pisces (who you’ll want to use that filter around) and a place to talk less, like the movies. Bonus: We heard Lincoln was awesome! But be careful, because shedding a tear on the first date might be a little too emotional. Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) You’re only as good as the company you keep, and you’ve been doing some appropriate cleaning up. Great job, but now you have to find new peeps who won’t screw you over. We’ve got a feeling a co-worker around springtime will be just the person to get you back on your feet. Bonus: Spring cleaning means you’ll finally get those pipes cleaned out! But be careful, because relationship drama at work is only fun for about three hours. Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. Just like when you lent your favorite lighter to the cute Cancer you met at the bar, you know that if everything really does happen for a reason, you’ll see them again and get that Bic back. Stop daydreaming for one minute, think about the people that really matter, and go get ‘em. Bonus: Maybe losing your lighter will finally cut your smoking habit! But be careful, because getting into a habit of bumming cigs is just rude.
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