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Vol. 1, Issue 1
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/18/13 - 9/25/13
GVSU Wrecking Ball Sues Entire Student Body for Sexual Harassment, Mental Damages BY: Black Sheep staff Allendale, MI- Days after being removed from Grand Valley State’s Allendale campus, Jeff Wrecking Ball Jr. has filed a series of lawsuits against each member of the school’s student body. Wrecking Ball was placed on indefinite leave Tuesday, September 17th after myriad students openly abused the longtime university employee in attempts to parody twerk aficionado Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball” video. Smoking a cigarette on the front porch of his Caledonia home, the distressed-looking Mr. Wrecking Ball nervously explained his side of the story to The Black Sheep: “Man,” the visibly distraught cast-iron ball sighed, exhaling smoke, “you think that after so many years you’ve seen it all, people swimming in the pond, drunks brazenly making out in front of you, hell, one Halloween I saw three Trekkies knife a guy in a Darth Vader mask simply because he suggested that Captain Archer is better than Captain Kirk. There was blood everywhere. But man, nothing like this. Nothing… nothing like this.” In his sexual harassment claim Wrecking Ball is suing the GVSU student body for $3.6 million dollars in punitive damages, claiming that those students who chose to grind on him did so in a sexual manner and without his consent. “This is one Ball who doesn’t like balls on his ball, man,” he noted. When The Black Sheep suggested that sentiment had an air of homophobia, Wrecking Ball
responded, “I may swing back and forth, but I sure as hell don’t swing that way.” To Wrecking Ball the suit filed against the students for the mental damages stands for an entirely different matter. The tough-as-nails university veteran says the $800,000 suit is meant to open the eyes of Grand Rapids residents to the fact that bullying is still prevalent among young adults. “Yeah man,” Ball says, staring into the distance, “I guess it’s never really dawned on me before, but bullying, that crap still happens after high school. Can you believe it? When them videos of me started floating around campus, people’d walk by all pointing and laughing and whatnot. I’d hear ‘em talking about coming back later and hangin’ on me all naked ‘n crap. They’d think I couldn’t see ‘em point and laugh, but I could.” We asked Mr. Wrecking Ball why he levied the suit against the student body, as opposed to Grand Valley State University for not providing him adequate protection. “I’ve been here 18 years, buddy, and I ain’t never felt unsafe—felt bulletproof, in fact. Truth is, I don’t much think the university owes me much’a anythin’, really. Not their fault society’s the way it is today, filled with boys wearin’ girls’ clothes and girls wearing boy shorts and whatnot. Before a few brazen students would come along and swing on me, but at least they’d be wearin’ clothes — that’s cool, I’ve been doing that for years. Sign’a the times, truthfully... one popstar does somethin’
slutty ‘n the rest of ‘em gotta follow suit to get more followers or likes or whatever. I’m not on social media, don’t trust the government with my shit.” When pressed, Mr. Ball admits he’d be willing to drop the mental damages claim if the student body would be willing to issue him a collective apology.
“Yeah, I’d consider it,” he notes, lighting up another Marlboro Red, “I’d consider it if each n’ every one of them swing on by here and let me know they’re truly, deeply sorry. That I’m an institution. That I’m more than that little Cyrus harlot ever could be here. They come by, every single one of them.
Mr. Ball says he has no intention of withdrawing the $3.6 million dollar claim, however. “Hell, $3.6 million in easy money, just to have some dude rub his nuts on you? Back in high school my sister used to do that in a back of a minivan for a cool $20, no thanks.”
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pages 12-13
password-seeking Troll takes over little mac bridge
High School Sweethearts Still Going Strong
We Peruse the Fall TV Schedule
Well, as far as they know. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?
Who’s up for watching some kids cook way better than you ever will!?
and it doesn’t even resemble a troll from harry potter, so lame.
Keep Up With Us! @GVSUBlackSheep • theblacksheeponline.com
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You look so cute when you’re sleeping.
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Seriously?
DON’T MESS AROUND WITH
#BADTIMESMAN Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @GVSUBlackSheep #BadTimesMan
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Word
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Behemonth
of the
An extended period in an academic year that rains down unnecessary school work onto a college student. “October’s my behemonth, man; I have 6 papers and 4 tests in a 3-week span.”
Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @GVSUBlackSheep First right answer wins a prize!
Check back next week for this week’s answer!
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_MSU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
Dense literary Jester has a brief interview with this hideous claymation man and his pup. Check back next week for this week’s answer!
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
Password-seeking troll
Takes over little mac bridge By: Claire Fisher This week at Grand Valley Campus, having had to walk the extra 100 feet to get to class, you may have notice the closing of the Little Mac Bridge. The bridge has been closed for the foreseeable future, as a Michigan Bridge Troll has taken up residence underneath the bridge and will not allow safe transit across without a password. The troll is believed to have arrived late Thursday night, September 19th. Upon arrival the troll immediately stopped allowing students to cross. Reportedly, when a student attempts to pass, the troll jumps onto the bridge and demands a password from the enrollee. We are still unaware of what the password is, but the few people who did try to guess the password were hastily thrown off the bridge and later taken to the hospital to tend to their injuries. Those who were thrown off the bridge have asked to remain nameless so as not to shame themselves with their failed password guesses. However, they were willing to provide us with their guesses so as to prevent further injury. If you find yourself on the bridge guessing the troll’s password, do not guess “Lakers,” “password,” or “please don’t kill me!” While the bridge is closed, the school will be working to solve the problem. Grand Valley State is employing two teams: one team will be working to guess the password, while the other will be studying Michigan Bridge Trolls to find a way to force the troll to evacuate the premises. Currently, not much is known about the troll except that it ap-
pears to weigh approximately 800 lbs., is green-skinned, and looks nothing like the troll from Harry Potter. Despite the physical differences, the first attempt by Team One to defeat the troll was to shout “Wingardium Leviosa,” which, apparently, is not the password either. The team in charge of guessing passwords will use an algorithm to find words that would apply. Being that we know nothing about the troll or its habits, the algorithm employs a random word generator off of Google and relies heavily on movie references. The team is now hypothesizing that the password is “Rumpelstiltskin,” and is going to draw straws to decide which member of the squad will have to guess it. The team in charge of evacuating the troll has had many failed attempts. Their first idea was to try to smoke the troll out. The troll was unfazed and reportedly asked for a cigarette, despite his attempts to try and quit. The team next attempted to remove the troll by smelling up its area. This process involved throwing stink bombs, delivering large amounts of rotting fruit, and evacuating their bowels underneath the bridge. The troll had Febreze with him and remained undaunted. The most recent idea is to try to annoy the troll out of his new home; the team is currently discussing the implications of moving the freshman dorms into the Ravines. While not much progress has been made in terms of removing the troll from the bridge or getting the password, a small activist group has developed and claims that “trolls are people too,” and the Bridge Troll should be left to live in peace with nature. However, if anyone believes they know the password, they should step forward immediately so as to put an end to the large amount of hypothesizing researchers being sent to the hospital.
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High School Sweethearts Still Going Strong (As Far As They Know) By: Black Sheep Staff Three weeks into their nowlong distance relationship, a high school couple who vowed to “make things work” in spite of attending two different universities, claim that things are “still going well” and “could never be better” … as far as they know. With Katie going to GVSU and Daniel at Western Michigan, the pair who started their seven-month relationship during senior year at a suburban Michigan public high school figured that the four-hour drive between each other would be “tough” at first but ultimately “worth the challenge.” It’s been theorized that Daniel was tenderly rubbing Katie’s shoulder when he first said this, followed with a sweet peck on the cheek. “It’s just what feels right at this point in our lives, you know?” said Daniel, after getting settled into his room in Copeland. “We both love each other very much and there’s no doubting we’ll need each other for support when the distance gets overwhelming. But at the same time, we both need to grow and experience college. Hopefully that’s something we can do together.” During his first few weeks at GVSU, Daniel has blacked out for the first four times in his life, gotten high with his floormates on a nightly basis, made an ass out of himself pole dancing at Louie’s, fell face-first after pole dancing at Louie’s, received his first drinking ticket, and found himself knuckledeep in a girl from the same high school who he’d never really talked to before despite sexual tension that’s totally been developing between them for years now. Katie and Daniel chat on Skype frequently in order to plan their bi-monthly visits with each other, which have since turned to once a month “if they’re lucky,” since their schedules are getting “pretty hectic around this time of the year.” Roommates of the couple state that, when Skyping, Daniel and Katie lock their respective rooms for a few hours, likely masturbating to each other awkwardly with headphones on. When the two of them ask each other how their social lives have been, they both respond with something along the lines of: “It’s okay. I’ve gone out a few times, but nothing special … I miss you, though!” During Katie’s first few weeks at Western, she has had her eyes set on rushing several sororities, showed up to her ANTH 101 lecture hungover with her heels and wristband still on from the night before, Snapchatted nudes of herself to that sophomore living a few floors down from her, has incessantly bitched about her weird roommate who “never goes out because of anxiety or some bullshit,” and engaged in a threesome with a mystery man and who she thinks was another girl she met at a house party. It’s also been reported that if Katie is approached at the bars by an unsightly guy, she will immediately pull the “sorry, I have a boyfriend” card to impede him from dry humping her leg
The
Top
Ten
Signs Your Roommate is Trying to Kill You By: Black Sheep Staff
Do you suspect your roommate is trying to kill you? Finally the experts at The Black Sheep have the signs! 10.) He smiles at you for no apparent reason: This should be a standard warning that your roommate is trying to kill you. When you walk into the room and he swivels around in his chair smirking at you, you gotta know something’s up. Or he could want you. Who knows? 9.) He offers to get you drinks all the time: When you go to the cafeteria with your roommate and he offers to get your drink, this should be an alarm. He could be trying to slip roofies in there! Actually, shit, that kind of furthers the notion that he might want you. 8.) He asks if your kidneys are both functioning properly: Typically people don’t really care about their friends’ organs. Perhaps he was interested in harvesting them from your body and selling them on eBay. This dude’s messed up—wait…maybe he just cares about your health. Aw, he’s a sweetheart. 7.) He switches your allergy meds with Tic-Tacs: Okay, this one is a sure sign. You’re eating a peanutladen sandwich one day and all of a sudden need your meds. Mints aren’t gonna save you here. He’s definitely trying to kill you. Or… maybe he’s trying to rescue you by giving you pills at the last second. What a lifesaver! Swoon. 6.) He stares out the window and asks if you’d like to learn how to fly: No. Tell your RA as soon as possible. This dude is going to throw you out the fuckin’ window. But… you know, he could be planning a surprise for your birthday! A hot-air balloon trip across Grand Rapids? This guy rules! like a neutered Pomeranian. If the guy is a solid 7.5 out of 10 or higher, she is said to forget that Daniel ever existed. “Daniel’s a really sweet guy,” said Katie after a two-and-a-half hour Skype sex session. “I know most people say that high school relationships don’t really work out in college, but I really can’t imagine what my life would be without a guy like him. Plus, it’s nice to have a mutual understanding of our freedoms so we don’t suffocate each other.” Just last weekend, Katie visited Daniel for the first time since not seeing him for more than a month. Though they had the whole Grand Rapids area at their disposal, Daniel did not take Katie to any bars or parties, since he found that scene “sort of obnoxious and immature,” to which Katie hesitantly agreed. Instead, Daniel treated her to dinner at the Ike, and the two of them walked hand-in-hand to rent a nice Adam Sandler romantic comedy and two other animated movies they wouldn’t end up watching. When Spanglish’s credits were rolling, Daniel’s roommate asked him if he wanted to pass his bottle of Burnett’s around for a couple swigs. Daniel looked at Katie, politely declined, and retorted saying, “Nah, it’s not really my thing, man.” Katie smiled, and the two looked into each other’s eyes with gigantic lumps in their throats for three straight hours talking about how they couldn’t imagine spending time with anyone else. Afterward, they walked to Starbucks and talked about how much they hated “irritating drunk people” and how they were glad to both be “waiting until 21” to drink. After her departure, Katie wiped away her tears on the road before responding to her inbox filled to the brim with booty-call messages and textsupon-texts of “hey,” “hey were are u,” “no seriousl though i love you Karl,” “Katie* sorry im drunk ahahas,” and “hey can i get another tit pic ;)?” Daniel also took Katie’s leaving hard but licked his emotionally pussified wounds by spending the rest of the night on pornhub.com. After watching dozens of “WILD COLLEGE GIRLS PARTAKE MASSIVE ORGY”-titled videos, Daniel began to rethink his relationship with Katie upon seeing how “totally easy” college girls can be.
5.) He asks if you’re familiar with the taste of poison: This sounds like he wants to make sure you wouldn’t know you were being poisoned. I can see how you think this is him trying to kill you. But maybe… he’s just misunderstood. He’ll give you a little poison; it’s so sensual! And then… later, in the hot tub… oh, you won’t believe what he can do with bath oils. 4.) He’s always sharpening knives: Whenever you enter the room he’s sharpening those things. They also seem to have your name on them. Kinda makes it seem like the knife is meant for you. Like… to kill you. This might freak you out if you didn’t know the guy, but he’s probably sharpening the knife to carve a sculpture of the two of you! 3.) He’s always starting a fight: So one day you’ll be sitting in your room with your roommate and he’ll start kicking your chair for three hours. You’ll feel the urge to punch the shit out of him, but don’t give him that chance. He’d love to engage in hot, sweaty wrestling match with his best pal. 2.) He invites you on camping trips every weekend: Dude… camping? He’s trying to kill you. Camping is the perfect place: nothing but trees for miles. Oh… but what if he comes with some wine and cheese? So romantic! Just like that movie Brokeback Mountain we have obviously never seen. 1.) He asks if you’ve ever seen the movie Deliverance: This movie’s about a bunch of hillbillies that terrorize city folk in the woods. Oh god… you’ve gone camping with him, haven’t you? Oh shit! Wait, he’s got the movie on DVD. Wait! The DVD is pirated off the internet! Run, dude! Internet pirates kill people! They have no moral compasses! So it’s harder than you think to tell if your roommate is trying to kill you. Just go with your heart…before your roommate harvests it for nutrients.
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Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets If you were to pen an R&B song about the time you lost your virginity, what would it be titled? an Alex, Freshm
“ Yeah... I Gotta Go”
m o re Tyler, Sopho
“ 30 Seconds in Heaven”
ior L a u re n , J u n
“New Comers”
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He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid Thursday Sept 26 from 4-11pm
SPECIAL NIGHT
Founders Tap Takeover: $6 for All Day IPA, Inspired Artist Black IPA, Reds Rye PA, Dirty Bastard, Porter, Rubaeus ($6.50) Doom ($8.25) Mango Magnifico ($8.25)
September Beer of the Month Samuel Adams Octoberfest $4.69 20oz. Draft
All Week Long! 50 Cent Wings During Any Michigan Team’s Game 4-9 Happy Hour
WEDNESDAY Flip Night: 3pm-10pm Do you feel lucky?
Thursday
Happy Hour 2-6 and 8:30-close $1 off all Michigan Craft Draft Beer $1 off all Liquor $1 off all Glasses of Wine
$0.55 Wings & $3.99 Long Islands For All NFL & NCAA Games: $2 Bud Light Drafts $3.25 Sam Adams Drafts $10.99 Bucket of 20 Wings $7.99 Lumberjack Burger
$5 Burritos or 50 Cent Wings
$5 Pitchers (3pm-10pm)
Friday
Happy Hour 2-6 and 8:30-close $1 off all Michigan Craft Draft Beer $1 off all Liquor $1 off all Glasses of Wine
$6.99 Mombo Fruit Daiquiris
Karaoke 9:30-close
Buy Any 2 Pitchers and get a FREE One Topping 18” Pizza (2pm-6pm)
Saturday
Happy Hour 8:30-close $1 off all Michigan Craft Draft Beer $1 off all Liquor $1 off all Glasses of Wine
$7.99 32oz. Brann’s Trash Can
All Week Long! 50 Cent Wings During Any Michigan Team’s Game 4-9 Happy Hour
Buy Any 2 Pitchers and get a FREE One Topping 18” Pizza (2pm-6pm)
Sunday
Happy Hour 8:30-close $1 off all Michigan Craft Draft Beer $1 off all Liquor $1 off all Glasses of Wine
$3.99 Absolut Bloody Mary Bar Includes Absolut, Absolut Peppar or Absolut Citron
Pool Tournaments
$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)
Monday
Happy Hour 2-6 and 8:30-close $1 off all Michigan Craft Draft Beer $1 off all Liquor $1 off all Glasses of Wine
Monday Night Football! $5.99 Burger & Draft Combo (kickoff through the final whistle) $3.50 Craft Bottles
$6 Burger & Brew
$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)
Tuesday
Happy Hour 2-6 and 8:30-close $1 off all Michigan Craft Draft Beer $1 off all Liquor $1 off all Glasses of Wine $1 off Turkey Burgers
55 Cent Wings Tuesdays! $3.50 You-Call-It Flavored Vodkas
35 Cent Wings, College Night
$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)
Wednesday
Happy Hour 2-6 and 8:30-close $1 off all Michigan Craft Draft Beer $1 off all Liquor $1 off all Glasses of Wine
$3.99 Domestic 32oz. Mini Pitchers
All Pizzas $10
Flip Night: 3pm-10pm Do you feel lucky?
LA IT, WHAT?)
THEBL
(WA
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The Bar Grid MONDAY! $4 Tall Craft Brews $1 Off All Burgers
*HAPPY HOUR* MON Thru FRI 3-6PM & 10-Close $1.50 OFF ALL TALL DRAFTS $2 WELLS $2 DOMESTIC BOTTLES. $3 HOUSE WINES $3.99 10” 1 Topping Pizza
SPECIAL NIGHT
9pm-Midnight: $2-$3-$2 U-Call-Its $3.99 Boneless Chicken Dinger Platters
$4 Long Islands, $4 Three Olive Bombs, $3 Heineken Bottles
COLLEGE NIGHT W/ DJ MONAHAN 10PM TILL CLOSE FREE SHUTTLE BUS RIDES CALL 889-0683 STARTING AT 10PM TILL 12AM $2 Wells, $2 Domestic Pints $3 Crafts/Micro Drafts
Thur.
BBQ Rib Tip Platter $7.99 $2 Domestics & $2 Wells until 8pm $4 Jack & Coke All Night
9pm-Midnight: $3 Captain Morgan cocktails $3 Pinnacle Flavored Vodka Cocktails
$4 Margaritas $7 Labatt Pitchers
$13.99 PRIME RIB DINNER STARTING @ 10 PM $3 DIRTY GIRLSCOUT SHOTS
Fri.
Any 2 menu items and a bottle of wine or pitcher of beer for $30
Fire Braised Pulled Chicken Sandwich $6.99 Half-Off drinks All Day!
Noon-6pm: $2 Domestic Pints 9pm-Midnight: $3 Long Islands and $5 Bulldozers
$3 Wells, $3.50 Tall Bud Light Drafts
$13.99 Chef’s Special, Call for Details STARTING @10 PM $3 SUPERMAN SHOTS
Sat.
Come Check us Out on Wednesday’s for 1/2 off drinks!
$2 Domestics & $2 Wells All day Appetizers $4.99 and under $3 Shot Special, $3 Corona, $3 Wells 9-12pm
Brunch Buffet: 8am-2pm $2.00 Well Drinks All Day
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STARTING AT NOON: $2.99 10” 1 TOPPING PIZZAS $0.50 WINGS $0.60 BONELESS $2 Domestic Pints, $2 Wells $4 Bloody Mary’s
Sun.
$1.50 Rolling Rock, PBR, Miller Highlife After 9pm: $2 Select Shots $5 Vodka Redbulls
Monday Night Football! Half-off drink specials Corn Bread Sliders $4.99
$2.99 Margaritas All Day! $3.99 Peach/Raspberry/Mango and Banana Margaritas All Day $3.99 Taco Basket
$4 Tall Craft Brews $1 Off All Burgers
$5.95 PASTA BOWLS $1.99 10” 1 TOPPING PIZZAS (8PM-1AM) (W/ PURCHASE OF BEV) $2 Bud and Bud Light Pints
Mon.
$5 Patron Shots $2.50 Corona/Corona lt. bottles After 9pm: $3 Wells, $2 Domestic Bottles, $1.50 Select Shots
High Life Tuesdays! $3 U-Call-Its 9pm-12 $1 Rocket shot ALL NIGHT! $1.50 Highlife ALL NIGHT!
9pm-Midnight: $3 U-Call-Its & $3.99 1/2 Burgers Karaoke with Deb from 9pm-1am
$2 Wells, $3 Tall Bud Light
TEAM TRIVIA 10PM (PRIZES FOR TOP 3 TEAMS) PICK 3 FOR $19.99 CHOICE OF 2 ENTREES, 1 APPETIZERS, AND 1 DESSERT $3 Long Island and Long Beach $3 House Wines, $2 Dom. Bottles
Tues.
1/2 off all drinks
Half-off drinks 12-8pm All Appetizers $4.99 and under Open Mic Night Jack & Coke $3 ALL NIGHT!
9pm-Midnight: $4 Martinis $4.99 Pitchers of PBR $3.99 Select Appetizers
$4 Jager Bombs, $3 Tall Labatt Drafts Trivia at 9pm
Karaoke @ 10 o’clock $5.95 BURRITOS (MEAT, MEAT AND BEAN, OR CHICKEN) $3 Margartias, $3 Coronas
Wed.
WEDNESDAYS! 1/2 off all drinks
High Life Tuesdays! $3 U-Call-Its 9pm-12 $1 Rocket shot ALL NIGHT! $1.50 Highlife ALL NIGHT!
Happy Hour: Monday-Friday $2.75 20oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Well Drinks
$1.50 Rolling Rock and Brooklyn Lager Cans, $2 PBR and Miller Highlife Cans, $3 Boddington and Strongbow Cans $5 Vodka Redbulls $3 Wells, and Sex on the Beach
Half-off drinks 12-8pm College Night $3 U-Call-Its 9-12pm Drink specials all night!
3 Floor Friday! Upstairs: $5 Corona and Tequila Shot | Main: $5 Highlight and Whiskey Shot Basement: $5 PBR and Jager Shot
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Bartender of the Week be doing with your life?: I most likely would be dirt poor. I would hang out with sailors because they lived away from the land and the plague and I just wouldn’t want to catch the plague.
Relationship Status: Involved Favorite Drink: Whiskey & OJ Favorite Shot: Jager Disgusting Drink: L.A. Freeway If you could have a pound of anything, what would you have a pound of?: Pound of Alyssa Milano’s hair to make a voodoo doll of. Are you a member of the Illuminati? Prove it: I drive a shitty Honda Accord…so that should prove it. What’s the most embarrassing thing your best friend’s ever done?: My friend in high school got so high he had a panic attack at Denny’s and we had to leave. I had to make up a medical reason for him having a panic attack at Denny’s.
Steve of HopCat Drinking Game
If you were alive in medieval England, what do you think you’d
What do you find strangely sexual?: Looking through old photos and you see Grandma’s hot friends but then you realize they are probably all dead now or really old. What do you find strangely disturbing?: Furries. What’s the nerdiest thing you did as a kid?: Marching band or Everquest. It’s a close tie really. One time, you laughed so hard you…: I was laughing so hard that everyone else stopped laughing and gave me a stern look. I’ve never pissed myself laughing but it got to the point that people were concerned about me.
Recipe for disaster
Breaking Booze
Morning-After Mixer
With AMC’s Breaking Bad coming to an end, making a drinking game out of it was inevitable. However this game is not a celebration of the Emmy Award-winning series but rather a celebration of the fact that in a very short amount of time you will stop being asked, “So do you watch Breaking Bad?” So sit back, drink, and watch Heisenberg do what he does best … ruin everyone’s life that he comes in contact with.
Sometimes the previous night rears its ugly head the next morning in the form of nausea and migraine headaches. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled the best hangover cures to form an all-powerful hangover helper.
What You’ll Need: Beer, a TV and someone raving about Breaking Bad enough to convince you to watch it. Number of Players: However many can comfortably fit on your couch. Level of Intoxication: Casual How To Play: - Invite all your friends over on Sunday night to watch Breaking Bad. - When the show begins, drink when: - Jesse says, “Bitch!” If he says it more than twice in a sentence, finish your beer. - A commercial for Low Winter Sun comes on. - Someone destroys a phone. - Someone in the room says, “Skyler is bitch” or “Fuck Skyler.” So pretty much anything anyone says about Skyler. - Money is shown.
- Percent purity of meth is brought up. - Walt Jr. eats breakfast (drink double if it’s awkward). - Saul changes phones. - Marie says something annoying, which is every time she opens her mouth. - Walt lies. - Somebody says, “Why are all the woman characters so friggin’ awful on this show? Is Vince Gilligan a misogynist? Or he just pissed off about constantly being asked about his island and how the Skipper is?”
What You’ll Need: A blender, two Tylenol, one bottle of purple Gatorade (it must be purple), orange juice, tomato juice, celery, a cup of black coffee, a greasy hamburger, 10-piece chicken nuggets, a can of beer, graham crackers, an Alka-Seltzer tablet, and pickle juice (an old Polish trick we learned from an alcoholic cleaning lady). Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: You had like 10 beers last night, let’s cut the crap. Let’s Get Baked: - Set up your blender. Make sure it has a tightly-fitted cap; this is gonna get messy. - Start making the coffee as you start filling the blender. - Put the hamburger and chicken nuggets in the blender first, these will require the most blending. - Now throw in the graham crackers, Tylenol, orange and tomato juices, celery, purple Gatorade, pickle juice and beer. - When the coffee is finished, pour it into the blender. - Blend the ingredients on high until it has the texture of a runny shake and a brownish-green color. Mmm… - Drop the Alka-Seltzer tablet in. If it just sits on the top, push it down into the mixture. - Once it dissolves, drink it up!
The Game Ends When: The episode ends. If you’re a real fan, play again for the second showing.
Your hangover is now ready to be vanquished! If you throw up while drinking it remember that it isn’t from the Morning-After Mixer, it’s because you drank too much last night, you jackass!
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The Black Sheep Peruses
the Fall TV Schedule Don’t know about you, but we couldn’t be more excited for fall’s upcoming television series. TV, being a medium of propriety and constant self-improvement, has only continued to become more and more respected in the eyes of the public. And, really, it couldn’t be more important to us: sharing with you some of the best of what fall has to offer. Oh, this is so exhilarating! But enough of our gushing, this TV isn’t gonna watch itself! Now, let’s sit back and learn about what’s on the ol’ boob tube this fall…
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Master Chef Junior (Friday, Sep. 27 at 8/7c on Fox) W-well okay. So, to start we have a show starring Gordon Ramsay and a bunch of children. Sounds likewell, it certainly sounds like an idea. Like Barney but with more chronic heartburn. Who is this show for? Kids? Probably not. Kids hate old British dudes. Adults? Probably not. Adults hate Gordon Ramsay. It’d be a lie to say that the show isn’t intriguing from a distance, however. What tools will Ramsay supply the kids with? Like, are the kids rationed out Easy-Bakes or are there really sharp knives everywhere or does Ramsay just not give a fuck? Has his culinary expertise actually caused him to acquire a taste for human flesh? Oh, God that would be such a delicious twist. It’s not going to happen, ‘cause “parent groups” and whatever. It’s also doubtful this series would be able to pull such a move with any dramatic tact whatsoever. What a shame. We were hoping the first show would really knock it out of the park. Oh, well. Let’s see what’s next.
By: Kevin Wise
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Million Second Quiz (Monday, Sep. 9 at 8/7c on NBC) Huh. A game show. Okay, we’ll give this one a shot. Actually, the internet tells us this one already premiered. And no one liked it. Why, you ask? Well, it wasn’t because it was poorly made (although, certain technical problems suggest otherwise), but because it was too confusing. So, before we put on our basket hats and march into town, pitchforks ablaze, let’s see what the show’s website has to say for itself:
The story of several young people from around the world who represent the next stage in human evolution, possessing special powers, including the ability to teleport and communicate with each other telepathically. Together they work to defeat the forces of evil. – IMDB
Oh, okay. It’s in an hourglass. Cute. Wait, what does this even mean? The people in the MONEY CHAIR get money while they’re in the chair; that makes sense. But how long do they have to be there? Just the hour, right? For as long as the show is actually broadcast? And they’re just being asked random trivia? Like every quiz show ever? Could this just be called Quiz and no one would be the wiser? But they kidnap the people that win. And make them “survive” next to a giant hourglass in the middle of the city. That’s what makes it different? What the fuck is going on here?
Wait a minute. This sounds exactly like the movie Chronicle. And every X-Men thing ever. And Carrie. Is this what happens when CW tries to go toe-to-toe with ABC? Is this a response to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Well, good job with that one, as it’s clear The Tomorrow People set out on cancelling Agents’ banality with its own. Oh. Oh! You think Agents might be rad? Quickly, recite your favorite superheroes from the past Marvel movies. Was it Hawkeye, the dude who uses a bow? What about Black Widow, the lady who kills people by being all sexy? The guy who collected Captain America trading cards? Did you like him? Well, then…yeah, you might dig Agents. God, what is with these shows, though? We just wanted a fun fall season. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the spunk? Hopefully in the next few shows. We’re not sure we can take much more of this.
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Dracula (Friday, Oct. 25 at 10/9c on NBC) Ugh. Vampires. Vampires and werewolves. Twilight wasn’t good! Neither was True Blood! Stop it! Stop it all of you! For some reason, the overreaching awfulness of the genre feels like accepted fact, but the urge to state your dissatisfaction still bubbles in the back of your throat. Why is this happening? Who is the person in charge of these projects that truly has a passion for the modern vampire? Who are the people that are just eating this up? Spoiler: he bites people. He’s a vampire and he’s going to bite sexy lady necks while looking all sexy. Maybe, if we’re lucky, he’ll bite some sexy dude necks. And then he’s going to be all mysterious and totally charming at the same time. This can’t still be selling. Please, tell us the vampire well is running dry. Tell us the perversion of classic horror monsters is done. What’s next? Mummies? Is the infatuation pop culture has with fetishizing old-timey, horror-fiction bullshit ever going to fade away?
Witches of the East End (Sunday, Oct. 6 at 10/9c on Lifetime) Ugh. Witches. Witches and wizards. When does it end? It’s our fault, really. It’s not like every, single millennial didn’t memorize their Patronus at an early age. It’s not like we didn’t treat Wicked as the greatest thing since the wheel. And we enabled it all, just so we could vicariously live our dreams of being magic people. But enough’s enough. Magic isn’t magic anymore. It’s time to go home. Witches of the East End looks like Wizards of Waverly Place for adults, but, if you take the time to really look at that statement, you’ll realize how ludicrous it is. Perhaps the next show bucks this trend.
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The Tomorrow People, huh? That’s what you got? Future Folks not good enough for you? Whatever, have your name, but know that it isn’t even enough to convey what the show is about. We assume it has something to do with watch manufacturers. Well, actually, The Tomorrow People is:
...‘ The Million Second Quiz’ is a…competition where contestants…battle each other in intense head-to-head bouts of trivia for 12 consecutive days and nights. The competition…will air in primetime, LIVE from a three-story hourglassshaped structure. Money is accumulated by sitting in the ‘[MONEY CHAIR]’ (note: NBC doesn’t capitalize this, but they really should) and answering trivia questions against a rival. The longer a contestant stays in the chair, the more money is added until he/she is defeated by a challenger. During the million seconds the top four players who have accumulated the largest amounts of money up to that point in the game will live next to the hourglass in ‘Winners’ Row’ and try to survive there until the million seconds are up. – NBC
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The Tomorrow People (Wednesday, Oct. 9 at 9/8c on CW)
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Sleepy Hollow (Monday, Sep. 16 at 9/8c on Fox) Well, screw you too, TV.
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