Grand Valley - Issue 1 - 1/8/2015 by The Black Sheep

Volume 4

The Black Sheep

Fre e tha ! Like nk y lun ou h ch fo olid r on ay g e we ift c ek, ard s!

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 1

What Did GVSU Students Do Over Winter Break? Shardae Rudel wrote this Winter break is a time when college students finally have a valid excuse to indulge their greatest, laziest desires. Unfortunately, break never lasts long enough and, thanks to Grand Valley’s ridiculously early winter semester, you’re now back in the classroom and forced to tell everyone what you did over break as an awkward icebreaker. Before you were sick of reliving the glory days, The Black Sheep asked over 50 members of Laker Nation to take part in a multi-answer survey, choosing multiple options from a list of the most popular winter break activities. Participants were also given an opportunity to write in their own answers.

Question: What did you do over winter break? Some of our favorite write-in responses (verbatim): • Buying books for next semester and crying. There goes all my Christmas money. • I got turnt • Totally took advantage of my boyfriend being the loving man he is. Oh, and I got engaged. • Spent 12 straight hours on a jigsaw puzzle • Drink drink drink • Smoke weed • Finding opportunities to be too tired to drive home to spend the night with my SO • Utilized any excuse to leave the house, then heading to the bar instead • Bruh. • Got so high and watched so much anime. Also I got a cat! He just wandered into our house on Christmas morning, it was like a dumb

PAGE 4 HOW TO SURVIVE YOUR FINAL SEMESTER AT GRAND VALLEY COFFEE, COFFEE, AND MORE COFFEE.

feel-good movie scene. He watched anime with me. • Watched each day slip away as I woke up at 4 p.m., then stayed up until 7 the next morning only to repeat the cycle. • Sex. Lots of sex.

dale and Grand Rapids! Given the opportunity, you guys shirked all responsibility to goof around, drink beer, get laid and sleep. Oh, sweet precious sleep.

So, what did we learn?: The college stereotype lives strong in Allen-

We Lakers are an odd bunch, folks, but not that odd. It’s good to see we’re just like college students at other universities. Don’t change. Never change.

PAGE 10

PAGES 12-13

THE 5 STAGES OF RETURNING TO GVSU

RESOLUTION REVOLUTION

YOU WILL START TO READJUST JUST IN TIME TO LEAVE AGAIN FOR SPRING BREAK.

WE SCROUNGED UP 7 APPS TO HELP MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON IN 2015.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Claire Fisher

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Meghan Dooley

EDITORIAL MANAGER Rachel McLaughlin

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Derek Arguello, Maddie Rich

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Julie Nichols • Jeff Perry Shardae Rudel Teresa Williams Abigail Dewstow Alison Tazelaar

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Gorius, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Kelly Bellanger

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

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This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

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Please drink...responsibly and legally.

THE BLACK SHEEP ONLINE .COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS

Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

BLUE BALLIN’ Getting a mad case of blue balls after hooking up with a hot chick, but still feeling awesome about getting to second base.

TARA BOUMDEAY

Dude, Anna is so hot. Yeah, I was blue ballin’ afterwards, but at least I got some action. High-five!

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!

@THEBLACKSHEEPGV

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

HOLIDAZE

Spending Your Christmas Funds the GV Way Teresa Williams wrote this

After a hopefully restful and successful holiday break, The Black Sheep knows you’re all super excited to get back to school with all that Christmas money burning a hole in your pocket. We thought we’d be kind enough to give you some nifty ways to spend it. Textbooks: Merry Christmas! Because life is unfair and unforgiving, it’s back to class responsibilities. Waking up early, showing up some place on a semiregular basis, actually doing things. With brand new classes this semester, you’re going to need new textbooks. Unfortunately, even with browsing the used books on Amazon and renting services like Packback, books aren’t cheap. So instead of buying something cool like a new video game for your Xbox One or movies, you can use your money to purchase like maybe half of a textbook. It’ll be great; who needs fun and happiness when you’ve got a 500-page brick on organic chemistry. New Gym Clothes: New year, new you, right? Time to stop binge-watching Netflix for 30 hours and bust your ass at the Rec Center. With all the money you’ve got just laying around, buy your new workout attire from the GV bookstore. It all comes in great shades of blue, light blue, black, and grey. You can show off your GV pride the first three or four times you actually make yourself go to the gym. They’re also pretty stain-resistant, so

when you start spilling salsa all over them once you’re in the middle of your first (second, third, fourth, who’s actually counting?) return-to-Netflix bender, they’ll be pretty easy to clear up. Papa John’s: After three weeks of good food cooked by older, wiser relatives, it’s time to return to the staple diet of college students: ramen noodles and soda from the vending machine. However, if you still have any leftover Christmas funds, splurge a little. Buy yourself a large pepperoni pizza and a whole two liter of soda from Papa John’s. Invite your friends over. Or don’t. More food for you. Kirkhof Booths: You see them all the time when passing through. People show up with all kinds of cool stuff, scarves, hats, rings, necklaces, etc. Well now that you’ve got all that extra money, maybe stop by and purchase something. Help out small businesses and surprise someone you care about with something thoughtful. Or maybe just purchase that sweet hat you were eyeing for weeks that’s somehow miraculously still there. Java City: There’s nothing more vital to your college survival than coffee. Food? Nah, skipping meals isn’t unusual. Sleep? No one can afford to sleep in college, not with their schedules loaded with creative ways to procrastinate doing their homework. What if you forget to turn on the

HOW TO SURVIVE Your Final Semester at GV Logan Bailey wrote this

coffee maker right before your early morning class? Might as well not even bother walking out the door. Those days, unfortunately, do happen but if you do find yourself in that situation, Java City is here to help. They also probably make better coffee drinks than you can anyway.

Hello seniors. It is finally upon us, the end of days. It’s almost time to move on from Grand Valley and move onto the real world full of unemployment, loan payments, and early nights. As shitty as that sounds, it won’t be as shitty as the countdown to finish these next three and a half months. Here are The Black Sheep’s tips for surviving your last winter semester. Good luck. Dump your lover: Everyone is always saying how we’re all going to remember the college experience for the rest of our lives. Well, if you’re still clinging to that freshman fling, it might be a safe bet to cut ties now, rather than have that really awkward phone call from your mom’s basement in August. Just saying, they’re probably a few other things you should be focusing on… like homework and crippling debt. Procrastination IS your friend: At this point, face it, you’re old. Some might say that should mean you should know better and not wait until the very last minute to type up that analysis or to study for that foreign language final. In reality, this being your last semester means that you owe yourself a little procrastination. Just give yourself a little break; you’ve been working too hard these last 4+ years. Coffee is your BFF…still: We didn’t need to put this in here, but goddamn it, you must not forget about this. As we mentioned earlier, you’re old. You need a kick in the morning, before class, after class, during class, on the way to the next class…Hell, you might as well bring a Grab It 2 Go 100oz Biggby mug to your 6-9. Slow your roll, set small goals: There is not

With the ever pending stress of classes looming, even at the beginning of the semester, treat yourself, Lakers. You deserve it for all the hard work you’ll be putting in this semester...

a damn thing wrong with getting straight C’s this semester. Set yourself a bar, a really low bar. That way you’ll slink through this semester with little-to-no sweat off your back. Your GPA will survive if you choose to do just one out of every three essays you’re assigned. Probably. Do NOT fail: The last thing you want to be doing this summer is retaking your French class. Or, God forbid, taking another semester of your least favorite classes…that’s pretty embarrassing, people. Set those small goals but make sure you achieve those small goals. BOOZE: Nothing calms you better before those big ol’ final-final exams than a long night downtown or at Mully’s. Alright, maybe not the night before, but you get what we’re saying. Especially since you can legally do so (unless you’re one of those over-achievers graduating at 20). If college has taught us anything, it’s that drinking solves most problems or at least makes them a little less stressful. Sign up for another semester: The worst part about these next three months is that you have to figure out what the hell you’re going to do when graduation hits, on top of actually doing the work it takes to graduate. If worse comes to worst, you can always sign up for another semester, though this is an “if all else fails” method. Shit, you could even sign up for another major. If you’re not ready for life post-college, then you’re just not ready. Stay in college where it’s safe and you don’t have to get a real-people career yet. There you have it, a few golden tickets to help get you through this final semester.. Godspeed Lakers, you’re gonna need it.

A FOR EFFORT

THE TOP TEN NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS NO ONE WILL KEEP 10.) Dress Warmer: It’s time to bundle up in the black puffy coat that everyone else seems to be wearing. Yet...your cleavage looks so good in this shirt maybe you’ll wait to take your summer clothes home. Beauty is pain, after all. 9.) Don’t Skip Class: You have one 8 a.m. this semester, nothing too bad. Setting an alarm for 7:30 gives you ample time to not give a shit and make it to class. You can always take a nap after class. Oh, oops, your alarm was set for 7:30 p.m. How... unfortunate? 8.) Complete All the Homework: This is the semester you need to buckle down. No matter how long the paper, or how long the reading excerpt, you will keep up your GPA by doing all your homework! So, create some lists once you’re done with your weekend party, cuzthis semester, you’re gonna rock it. 7.) Avoid the All-You-Can-Eat: Sometimes eating on campus is the best option. But, with the terrible options on campus, it’s hard to decide where to eat to maintain the new health kick. Avoiding Fresh gives you the option to avoid the shit-tons of carbs that they stuff in you. Then again, you will get your money’s worth so, why the hell not?

GVSU Ranked Top Michigan College…But Why? Jeff Perry wrote this

According to a list provided by the Educate to Career Inc., Grand Valley State University was ranked 24th nationally among the 1224 colleges – making it the highest-rated school in Michigan. GVSU beat out substandard institutions like Michigan State and the University of Michigan who were ranked 468th and 405th respectively. The reasoning why GVSU is one of the top ranked schools is simple: students are creative as fuck. With Lakers who walk around wearing cheetah print backpacks while sporting their oversized mustaches and smoking American Spirits, Educate the Career Inc. saw that Lakers just “get it.” Susanne Collins, the Director of Operations at Educate to Career, said: “GVSU was one of the best colleges we’ve ever had the honor of visiting. We saw art that brought us weeping to our knees; things we couldn’t understand why a student would even make. I saw a piece where the student glued macaroni to a piece of paper, and I couldn’t help but see what the artist was telling us, a story about his life and the fragility of man. Tragic.” That was when Collins realized that GVSU is just too creative not to be the best. The ranking also helped explain some aspects of GVSU that even some students hadn’t previously understood. “It was really eye-opening to me,” sophomore Jacob Du Beres said, “like, I couldn’t help but question everything I knew about GVSU. Here I thought it was full of hipsters, but I guess they are actually just a bunch of amazing artists.”

Art major Clarissa Montney, also known as Sharpé, because her art is made entirely with Sharpie permanent markers, explained that she knew GVSU would get recognized for their openness to students’ creativity one day. “This is why I do art,” Sharpé said, “to show the world new things and changed the perspective of how we all see ourselves. GVSU offers that, and we just need to embrace the fact that most won’t get it, but those who do will see us for how incredible we are.” The Black Sheep asked for comment from the Art and Design staff at Calder about this, but there was no one listed as in charge on the GVSU website, which is, apparently, deliberate. “Having someone in charge of the Art department seems too much like a dictatorship, man,” said Sharpé. “We wanted something where everyone is in charge of everything and we have that here. We have no definitive rules, just the guidelines in the unwritten book of art.” Yes, GVSU is truly a university for the students, by the students. Or at least the art program is. Students listening to Sharpé’s insights silently nodded in agreement while working on their art. One student, who said his name was Skylark, was using his own bodily fluids, filling the room with the stench of his excrements, explaining that, “The only true art we have is in ourselves.” With insight like that of Skylark and Sharpé, it seems clear why GVSU is among the top 25 schools in the nation. “The students really just understand what college and the world is all about. And that,” said Collins, “is self-expression through creative innovation.”

6.) Make New Friends: The time has come to escape your habitat, the room in which you hid first semester. Whether it’s hanging out in your dorm lobby to interact with those really loud, annoying people that kept you up every night, or leaving your apartment to go to the party next door that seems to be bumpin’, it’s time to finally be social. 5.) Become Fiscally Responsible: It’s time to be responsible and save your money for rent, groceries, and textbooks. You go to the mall with your friends and they convince you to buy three new pairs of American Eagle jeans that they thought were “oh so cute.” You did say you wanted to be more social this year… 4.) Cut Back on the Booze: Alright, first semester was party time. Your liver is aching from drinking on the weekends, and you’re worrying about the possibility of alcoholism, so it’s time to stop. After the beginning of the semester party festivities, though. 3.) No More Netflix: It’s time to stop watching shows and movies that you’ve found after digging through the good ones, and focus on this semester. But only a little bit, after you finish the second season of Orange is the New Black. 2.) Go to the Gym: You have a free pass to the gym with your GV ID, so why not put it to the test? You’re not that out of shape, just a little pudge from all that turkey and stuffing, nothing a few days at the gym can’t handle. But, the gym is such a far walk, and it’s getting cold. Along with that, running hurts, lifting hurts, rowing hurts, everything hurts. Why torture yourself when you can curl up in bed? 1.) Stop Mooching Off Your Parents: You’re a grown adult now. From this day forward, you’re going to be a self-sufficient, responsible adult with no more ties to Mom and Dad. Until you need a little extra cash to buy books or that new game everyone has been talking about. But hey, they’re your parents. It’s their job to take care of you. Abby Dewstow wrote this

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What was your New Year’s resolution, and when will you break it?

HAN, FRESHMAN

“To work out more, I’ll break it by the end of the semester.”

AUSTIN, SOPHOMORE

“I want to eat better, I eat like crap now. I’ll probably break it by tonight, I’ve got a pack of Oreos waiting for me.”

HARRISON, FRESHMAN “Do better in school, I’ll break it pretty soon.”

PRO TIPS

Julie Nichols wrote this

Changing your major is a difficult process full of doubt and self-hatred. Here is a guide with step-by-step instructions to help you through this trying time. Step 1: Accept Your Indecision for What It Is: Like a middle-aged person after a divorce, changing your major can put you on a mission of self-discovery. Just because you realized your dream of being a doctor was never going to happen, doesn’t mean you have it all figured out. So, microbiology isn’t for you? Well, chemistry probably isn’t either. You wanna switch from nursing to philosophy? Go for it! Get in touch with your most pretentious self and pick a major that will help you feel superior more and more every day. Step 2: Disappoint Your Parents: Done and done. This step really shouldn’t be too hard to accomplish. The Parental Units (coming to ABC this fall) just want what’s best for you and have a hard time seeing how your English degree will make you happy. And honestly, not everyone can be an accountant or doctor. If your announcement of changing your major upsets mom or dad, just remind them that at least you’re not on drugs (and for Heaven’s sake, lie if you have to). Or you could just not tell them, wait until shit hits the fan, and then apologize for wasting their money. Step 3: Make Some Appointments: Changing your major is just another step closer to being an adult. This means talking on the phone to strangers, which is almost worse than being dead. It’s crucial you make an appointment with two counselors at GVSU. That’s because you listen to the first counselor and immediately ignore their advice. The second or third time around, however, you should have someone who actually knows what they’re doing.

Step 5: Find Happiness: Finally, you’re on track with your new major! And it’s fantastic and every wet dream you thought it would be. Rejoice that you did the impossible and focus your attention back on the things that truly matter: your other life. Ya know, the one that’s fun and not anxiety-inducing. Ideally, you should start reading and working out again, but binging Netflix and getting drunk will suffice.

Step 4: Reap the Consequences: After talking to a few counselors, it’s normal to cry for a week straight. At best, you won’t graduate on time. Let’s face it, you weren’t going to graduate on time regardless. At worst? Plan on transferring schools. This step in changing your major is sometimes called the “grieving stage.” And, boy, will you be sorry and sad that your passions cost you more money (or mom and dad’s money) and time. Gently remind yourself that pursuing film or pre-PA or whatever is what will bring you true joy and peace of mind. Or, at least, some poetic shit like that.

OPTIONAL: Repeat Steps 1-5: Everything is right with the world again. Or is it? If your new major starts giving you bad feeling in your gut (like that time you threw up fried Oreos at Disney World), embrace the possibility that this process can happen more than once. It will suck and burn (like that other time you heaved up fried Oreos at Disney World). But, remember those that have come before you. If they can graduate and work a crappy job for 35 years and get screwed over by upper management, then you can too. Dreams really do come true!

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

How to Change Your Major Even Though You Should’ve Graduated a Year Ago

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Friday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

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Saturday

11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

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Monday

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2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Michigan Monday, $3 select Michigan drafts

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Tuesday

Local Night! $2 Tier 1 + $3 Tier 2 Beers from 4pm - 12am Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Tipsy Tuesday, $3 draft of our beer geek’s choice

Line Dancing $2.00 Wells All Night

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Wednesday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine 8 p.m. Geeks Who Drink Trivia

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. WIMP 50cent wings (min 6); $6 1/2 lb mussels; 25% off pitchers

Comedy Open Mic Night $1.50 Retro Cans, $2 Drink Specials

$4 Sangrias Hand-Battered Onion Rings

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Happy Hour 2-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

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Drunken Retort: Spoken word, music, poetry, open-mic 8 p.m. Drink specials during the show. Happy Hour 4-6 p.m.

Monday

$2 Wells, $3 Tall Bud Light

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Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Tuesday

$4 Jager Bombs $3 Tall Labatt Drafts

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Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Wednesday

Thirsty Thursday Happy Hour 4-7! $2 You Call Its 9PM-12AM 1/2 Off Food 8PM-10PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

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PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

YOU GOT THIS

The 5 Stages of Returning to GVSU Alison Tazelaar wrote this

The holidays are over. You look at the calendar and realize, “Holy shit, I have to go back to school.” Maybe you’re excited to leave your family, maybe the idea of eating whatever you want, whenever you want makes you weep tears of joy. But wait…going back to Grand Rapids means going to class, buying books, and seeing your roommates again. The Black Sheep is here to walk you through the tough stages of going back to class after three weeks off. Denial and isolation: You may not have believed that the 5th was REALLY the first day of class. So you looked on Grand Valley’s website, and sure enough: it was. You texted your BFF to see when their classes start. They also said it was the 5th. But what if they’re wrong too? Better email your guidance counselor. Their response seems irritated, as you have asked the same question 3 times already. So you ask yourself: “So, I have to be IN CLASS on the 5th? Not just back on campus?” Yes. Go to class. Don’t hole yourself up in your bedroom in a blanket cocoon. Sure, the blanket cocoon is the more inviting option, but it’s time to pull on your grown-up pants and be responsible or something. Anger: You snapped at your mom for offering to do your laundry before you leave. You didn’t mean it, you really wanted her to. She always folds everything so nicely, and it all fits in your bag. You threw out those great shoes you got from grandma when they didn’t fit in your duffel. Anger is a natural response to feeling like you aren’t in control of your life. Of course you wanted to be on break forever, it happens to everyone. Take a deep breath, and try to keep your temper in the coming weeks. Bargaining: This is most likely to happen when you try to buy books. Can you handle that heavily-highlighted and annotated copy of Jane Eyre? Is it worth saving the $4.00? Don’t try to sneak that book in your bag, it will only come back to bite you. It’s best to just hand over your credit card and cry about it later. Depression: This may be one of the worst and longest lasting stages to overcome. The alarm goes off the second week of classes and the excitement of “maybe there will be a hot person,” or “this class is going to be so fun!” goes away. The campus food lost its appeal way back in October, and it certainly hasn’t improved. Classes are bogging you down with busy work, and that gen-ed required class just assigned a group project. The only way out of this is to keep persevering and pushing through while trying not to drown in your tears. The next step is easier. Finally, you’ll reach acceptance: This won’t be an active step as much as a realization. You’ll be walking through Kirkhof and realize “Hey, it’s almost midterms”. You’re well on your way through your spring semester. You might as well keep going to class. We guess.

Twitter @THEBLACKSHEEPGV

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO.5 ou 3

1) Politics: When is the next presidential election?

a climbing route on Half Dome, found in what national park?

2) Candy: What candy’s current slogan is “try both and pick a side”?

7) Beer: The Reinheitsgebot, or Beer Purity Law, dictates beer made in this country is only made from barley and hops.

3) History: What ancient Chinese general is thought to have authored the military masterwork The Art of War? 4) Music: What rapper is currently embroiled in a battle with Cash Money Records to get The Carter V released? 5) Cars: What make of cars features the 1-Series, 2-Series, 3-Series, and so on? 6) Clothing: The brand North Face is named after

TERRANCE, SENIOR

KIRKHOF BUILDING MANAGER

8) North American Cities: With a population of more than 8.5 million, what is the only city on the North American continent larger than New York City? 9) Sports: Name two NFL head coaches that have been fired since the end of the 2014 regular season. 10) TV: What The Simpsons character famously opined that the purple berries, “taste like burning.”

Terrence’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) 2016 2) Twix 3) I don’t know 4) Lil Wayne 5) Ford 6) Which one Mount Everest is in. 7) Scotland 8) Toronto 9) Rex Ryan and Jim Harbaugh 10) Bart

1) 2016 2) Twix 3) Sun Tzu 4) Lil Wayne 5) BMW 6) Yosemite 7) Germany 8) Mexico City 9) Marc Trestman, Rex Ryan, Mike Smith 10) Ralph Wiggum

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

RESOLUTIONS SCHMESOLUTIONS

MOCK APPLE PIE

Now that you’re back on the academic grind, you can drink beer with your at-school friends and associates, rather than the high school friends you still pretend to like. So, why not start off the new year by seeing how others are starting off their new year?

Back at school and already miss mom’s home-cookin’? Well, you’re no culinary wizard, so what is a boy to do? Fake it ‘til ya make it, son. Let’s do a fake apple pie.

What You’ll Need: Fortitude beyond your years, social acumen, beer. Number of Players: This is one of those games you play with yourself. Yes, yes, like masturbation. Very clever. Level of Intoxication: Well, how creative is your social circle? How to Play: -Attend a party or head to a bar. You’re going to need to be in a crowded room of people. -Approach someone at the event and ask them, simply, “What’s your New Year’s resolution?” -Take a big ole’ gulp for every generic resolution that heads your way. Think “better shape” or “to attend class regularly.” -Two drinks for any resolution you hear that is less about self-improvement and more about getting more out of innocent bystanders, like “I’m going to get laid by at least six different people,” or “I’m going to win a karaoke competition.” -Demand the person you asked take a drink with you if they have an oddly specific resolution. “I promised myself I’ll stop drunk texting Karen this year,” for example. -Take two big swigs if the person fessed up to already breaking his or her resolution. -If the person is one of those, “I don’t make resolutions” pragmatists, pragmatically make him or her help you finish your drink. The Game Ends When: You resolve to be less annoying to strangers who don’t want to play your dumb game.

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What You’ll Need: A box of Ritz crackers, a pre-made pie crust, butter, sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, water. Fatty Factor: It’s pie, so, like…pie-level fattiness. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat your oven to 425 degrees. -In a saucepan over medium-high heat, combine 2 cups water and 1 cup white sugar. Bring to a boil. -Drop 30 whole Ritz into the boiling morass and let boil for 5 minutes. Pour the mixture into the pie shell and sprinkle it with ½ teaspoon of cinnamon. -Mix together 1 cup crushed Ritz crackers, ½ cup brown sugar, ½ teaspoon cinnamon, and 1/3 cup butter. Sprinkle this over the pie. -Bake pie for 15 minutes at 425. Reduce heat to 375 degrees and bake for 20 more minutes. -Remove and let cool for 1 hour before serving (the whole thing to yourself.) Sure, it’s not perfect, but it’s pretty good…just like you! Plus, who needs delicious, nutritious apples when you can get boxed, preformed crackers for the same price? They’ll last forever, not like those stupid apples.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Who it’s For: Freshly-resolved drunks and those who lack the basic human skill of recognizing other humans based on their, you know, face. It’s called prosopagnosia, look it up. What it Does: Organizes people in your phone based on how and when you met. So when you’re trying to track down those lazy shitheads in your group project you could search “English 301 group project” and those lazy shitheads would pop up. You’ll Learn to Hate it When…: You search “Mully’s” and 30 names pop up, leaving you nowhere near remembering who that sultry brunette was who bought you a Fireball shot—but you sure as hell have met a lot of people you don’t remember there! Might as well stick with ol’ reliable Hopcat in your phonebook and save the $0 this app costs for something else.

Who it’s For: Those of you who were “too cool” to take notes last semester and received bad ass Cs and Ds on your finals. You’re going to need a new approach, and since taking hand-written notes on an iPad is the opposite of cool, give this a shot. What it Does: Takes your (digitally) hand-written notes and makes them all pretty-like, turning your serial killer-esque chicken scratch into legible font and all those graphs you draw into perfect, re-sizeable shapes. You’ll Learn to Hate it When: Come test-time, all those mindless doodles and dicks you drew look just as official as the actual notes. Is that a sketch of the Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima statue or four penises laying on top of each other? Let’s not forget that everyone will hate you for writing notes by hand on an iPad, and hopefully that hate will turn into self-hatred.

Who it’s For: To-be-graduating seniors who, for whatever reason, have yet to find post-graduation employment. Whether it’s because you’re finally snagging that bomb degree in unified philosophy or simply because you’re a lazy piece of human garbage who hasn’t started looking yet, you’ll need all the help you can get. What it Does: Aggregates job postings from major websites and company postings. Also, shows jobs based on geography. Work smarter, not harder, you know? Hey, use that in the job interview! You’ll Learn to Hate it When: You slowly come to realize Indeed is little more than an efficient way for you to pile up the rejection letters. Hey, how much more in student loans would you need to pursue another bachelor’s degree?

Who it’s For: You, the modern-day lothario-on-the-go. This year you’ve resolved to have what kids call “the sex.” For, it is women that you will have, yes, many of them. 2015 is going to be the year you get laid many a time. What it Does: Well, “CATE” is an acronym for “Call And Text Eraser,” so, it does that. Which, you know, if you meet a lucky lady at a party on Thursday, and then another lucky lady at a party on that Friday, then ANOTHER lucky lady getting coffee on Saturday morning, you can consider your player-ass self lucky that they’ll never have to know about each other, until... You’ll Learn to Hate it When: ...One of your “many” sexual conquests also happens to have CATE. She’ll know what it does—she’s not an idiot, she’s playing the same game you’re playing-- and she’ll be more than happy to track down the other four women you’ve been trying to sleep with and let them know about your hijinx. Hey, porn is free, and you never have to ask it for forgiveness.

Who it’s For: 2014 was pretty good to you, mate, and in turn you want to do some good for the world. Well, then maybe get like Haley Joel Osment and pay that bitch forward. What it Does: The app hits you up with suggestions about good deeds you can do locally. For example, you might get one that says, “Leave a copy of a really great book you read at a cafe for someone else to enjoy.” Hah, yeah, like people enjoy reading. You’ll Learn to Hate it When: Suddenly you go to the ATM to snag a crisp $20 and you realize, then, in that moment, that suddenly you’re the one in need of a good deed because doing nice thing here and kind act there adds up, and now you’re destitute, cold, alone and charitable, which is no way to live your life.

Who It’s For: FATTIES LIKE YOU. What it Does: Ideal Weight lets you enter your data—height, weight, and the ilk—and in turn, it’ll give you your ideal BMI. Whether you’re underweight (yeah, right) overweight (ding, ding, ding!) or just right (no one loves you), you’ll know that, yes, in 2015 you’re going to kick some gym ass and take some gym names, like Jim. You’ll Learn to Hate It: Because what business, by god, does a stupid $5 app have telling you, a goddamn citizen of the United States of America, what you can and can’t shove in your motherlovin’ food-hole when you want to shove whatever it is you want in your goddamn American food-hole? Benjamin Franklin didn’t ward off the British in Denver all by himself to have a stupid robot tell you how to live your life. PIZZA AND REVOLUTION.

Who it’s For: Smokers, jokers, and midnight tokers. What it Does: It helps you quit smoking. Pretty straightforward. You’ll Learn to Hate it When: All the “stats”— meant to show you how long you’ve gone, how much money you’ve saved, etcetera—only remind you how much you miss smoking. It’s been 12 days, 5 hours and 32 seconds since you stood in the chilly New Year’s Eve air, just before midnight looking out from your friend’s balcony, chatting, and filling your lungs with that sweet, burning grey smoke. You’ll never have that social escape again. Oh you’ve saved $30? Think of all the cigs you could buy with $30… think of all the conversations and inside jokes that money has cost you… is it really worth it?

LET’S

PLAY

SQUARES!

TOP WORDS OF 2014 wordsearch

CLUE BANK Emoji • Hashtag • Vape • Blood Moon Nano • Photo Bomb • Caliphate • Privilege Bae • Bash Tag • Transparency •Sustainable Clickbait • Quindecennial • Comet

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