The Black Sheep
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Vol. 2, Issue 1
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
e... l cur ike t ren hos tly e 4.0 spo ’s y rti ou’r ng. e
1/9/14 - 1/22/14
grand valley’s Kirkhof Center
Robbed by Laker
BY: Julie Nichols Reporting officer: Julie Nichols Case Number: 041193263 Date: January 2, 2014 Suspects: Louie Laker and Larry Laker Incident: Robbery Accident of Occurrence: Kirkhof Center Lot S Campus Dr. Allendale Charter Township, MI 49401 Evidence: Miscellaneous textbooks (over 200) Boxes of sweatshirts (8) Shot glasses (32) Weapons: Boat oars (2) At approximately 21:17, Grand Valley State University mascot Louie Laker and his cousin Larry Laker broke into Grand Valley’s on-campus bookstore. The suspects left a trail of beer and lake water and were caught on the bookstore’s security cameras. The doors of the bookstore had been pried open, presumably with boat oars. Left-behind scraps of broken wood match that of the Laker’s own personal oar set. Both Louie and Larry confessed the crime. They were taken into custody. Louie refused to speak when interviewed, presumably because he physically cannot. Larry provided plenty of words for the both of them. We recorded this speech during the interrogation. Larry Laker’s speech from interrogation transcribed: “Yo, get this. We was thinking, ‘Hey, students are always complaining about how much cash it cost to buy books and whatnot.’ Louie had this bomb idea to hit up the bookstore and resell some shit on eBay.” “So we party up with these sophomores in 48 West for a couple of hours and then paddle our way back to campus. Which was really hard considering we ain’t even got a lake to paddle in. Like, it made us question why the hell we’re Lakers, man. I mean, do you see a lake?” “Lou and me are casing this joint when it occurs to us to look at some price tags. That’s when we realized how fucked we were. None of this was worth shit. Not these textbooks or the sweatshirts. Especially not
page 4
Temps dipping show little effect on school spirit Nothing says “Go Lakers!” by adding a little frostbite into the mix.
these eight dollar shotglasses. You know how much these would sell in real life? Hell, maybe a nickel. Maybe a nickel if you offered to pay for shipping.” “And these sweatshirts!? You know there is no way in heaven it cost them 44 dollars and 95 cent to manufacture that shit. Riddle me this, how can it cost that much? Seriously, they prolly only pay them Chinese kids like 3 cent an hour. If that, man.” “At this point, Louie reminded me that we had to finish this job. We promised those sophomore bitches we’d pay for their textbooks. I can’t wrap my brain around how this store gets away with selling paper wrapped in wood for so much as 200 dollars. Sure, they gotta pay the nerd that wrote the book, but shouldn’t they like doing that shit anyway. Ain’t that why they educators?”
“I mean, if you’re going to charge me 8 dollars for a shot glass, 45 for damn sweatshirt, and over 400 bucks for textbooks, that’s nuts. It’s crazy! AND ON TOP OF TUITION, FOOD, AND HOUSING! This school has balls. It must have the biggest, fattest balls in the world to pull this kinda shit. How do they even walk with such big balls? It’s a mystery.” After raising some interesting points, GVSU PD decided to let Louie and Larry Laker go free of charge. The department thought of arresting the management in charge of running the bookstore, but then we remembered that our capitalist system without government regulation allows for monopolies like this to occur. A sweep of depression came over us. We have no power, no control of this situation or situations like these. Grand Valley students can enjoy their 8 dollar shot glasses. They probably need a drink anyway.
page 5
page 12
Life after the Holidays
Interview: Mary Lambert
A problem-solving guide for the postwinter break blues.
We chat with the “Same Love” singer, you know, the song that’s been stuck in your head for months.
Keep Up With Us! @TheBlackSheepGV • theblacksheeponline.com
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#goodtimes Guess the mascot
here’s our twitter, so tweet us, maybe?
@Theblacksheepgv
Word, man Coldfrontin’ The instance in which a man or woman pretends not to be cold when they very evidently are.
“Bill’s coldfrontin’ every damn day when he walks to class in shorts. What’s he trying to prove, anyway?”
how well do you know
your memes?
Do you know the name of this famous meme? tweet us @TheBlackSheepGV. first right answer wins a prize!
Tweet Us @TheBlackSheepGV First right answer wins a prize!
stache slueth can you identify the mysterious man with the sweet ‘stache? tweet us @THeBlackSheepGV first right answer wins a prize!
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Temperatures Dipping Below Sub-Atomic-Zero Show Little Effect on School Spirit By: TJ Kimball “This is really why I moved here. This is what it’s all about.” John, a freshman living in Copeland Living Center, explains to me. “There’s nothing quite like chiseling at the ice between your thighs to get your boys loose.” We stand outside the Kleiner eatery as he struggles with his words. They’re clattered out between shivers as he soaks in the glory of the winter wonderland before him. “I just can’t imagine a walk to class without the painful sting of those lake effect winds,” he continues. To think of a life without that constant reminder of my isolation is just disheartening.” John represents a large part of the Laker community with that opinion. Recent student surveys taken by the 4 people who spent winter break in Allendale show that the Dante-esque temperatures are actually a reassuring factor for student morale. Many have even stated that the trans-arctic voyage between buildings is something of a character building exercise. There is, after all, nothing like suffering to help refine the center of one’s being. That being the case, the Laker community is doubtlessly the most well-refined machine of introspection that the United States has ever seen. Recent record-
ings have indicated that Allendale temperatures have dipped below 0 degrees kelvin, absolute zero. This means that Grand Valley’s figurative apathy has taken on literal incarnations, with the value of physical entropy in the county reaching an impressively solid zilch. “The stillness is sort of beautiful, isn’t it?” Kelly, a sophomore in the honors college, asks me. “Think of all that could be happening right now. People playing volleyball, grilling outside, or even just laying out in public parks. Aren’t you glad none of that is taking place, and in its stead we’re left with this total nothingness and a fear of the outdoors?” She pauses to look out her window; soaking in the scene of radiant grey that awaits her gaze. A small smile begins to form on her lips as she thinks of all the sunshine she’ll never have to suffer through as a member of the Laker community. “This is how you know we’re a strong campus,” she says, interrupting the scene of a single body against a window frame of emptiness. “We don’t care about veering off the road on our way into Grand Rapids or being stranded for days without a refuge from our dorm rooms. This is Laker country. We know exactly how to sit in our rooms without doing anything.”
With that remark she takes her seat, gazing ahead at the television in front of her. It’s turned off, and for a moment I wonder why we’re staring at something that isn’t even plugged in. Then it hits me. I lean back, lock in, and take pride in where I am. No one can interrupt my path to nowhere, and winter
is an incredible aid in finding an excuse for apathy. Kelly turns for a moment from our minutes of silence to utter a final reminder of how we feel in this place. “Let it snow,” she says.
Life After the Holidays
A Problem-Solving Guide for the Post-Winter Break Blues By: Betsy Martin So, you’re back on campus with friends, freedom and fine members of the opposite sex. Life is peachy, right? Well, with the semester starting fresh, mistakes were made, and now it’s time to pay the piper. Luckily, The Black Sheep is here to set things straight. You signed up for an 8a.m. class all the way across the damn campus: So you decided you’d be ambitious and start your week with an 8a.m. lecture. In Mackinac. Or Lake Michigan, depending on which extreme of campus you’re on. You’ve suddenly remembered your winter sleeping schedule necessitates 14 hours, nothing less. Luckily your window of opportunity is still open, but only just. Seats in later sections are available on a by-the-minute basis, so stalk that 11a.m. class on MyBanner like it’s a baby gazelle vulnerable in the wild savannah. But prepare yourself for the worst. Your sucky roommate is still an asshole, and his or her New Year’s Eve hookup has decided to stick around. Isn’t love great?: There are several tactics to cope with a roommate who you’d have no regrets about pushing into the La Brea Tar Pits. The silent treatment is a classic, but go deeper. No eye contact – don’t even acknowledge their presence. If their skanky love bug shows up unannounced for the fifth time that week, pull out all the stops and simply start singing anytime they attempt to communicate with each other. Interruptive medleys of choice are REO Speedwagon, Janet Jackson, and naturally, Nickelback. If passive aggression is your preferred method of conflict, refrain from the expected bombardment of sticky notes. They’ve been combating those since infancy. Better to fill their deodorant with cream cheese, or your deodorant with cream cheese, since they steal it every morning. Or print out thousands of pictures of that I Am Grand Valley homeboy with the overly friendly smirk and hide them in pleasantly surprising
The
Top
Ten
Resolutions, and How You Already Broke Them By: Sam metry
2014 has officially settled upon Grand Valley State, and we’ve all made New Year’s Resolutions. Hell—er—heck, even we here at The Black Sheep have decided to try and better ourselves. But, let’s all be honest, we’re all going to wake up at some point in February, look out the window and see 4 inches of snow and say to ourselves “I’m not working out today.” So, here is how you’re going to break the top ten most popular New Year’s Resolutions, if you haven’t done so already. 10.) Visit Friends at Different Schools: This is always the half-hearted promise you give your friends over winter break that you totally meant at the time, but then you got back to campus and realized you have no intention of visiting them, what with how much better Allendale is than any place on earth. If your friends were worth talking to, they would visit you.
places. Like the shower. Their underwear drawer. The freezer. Their shoes. It’s not about the cardboard cut-outs, it’s about sending a message. You gained the freshman fifteen – over winter break alone: Ah, winter break. The food is plentiful, the Netflix free, and you don’t have to check your school email for three solid weeks. Then you take a good look at yourself in the mirror the night before classes start and realize your face has gotten a lot rounder. And your jeans tighter. And your ass bigger. It’s happened to the best of us. Fresh is your only hope. The Connection may seem like the best bet, since salads and stuff, but the key is to embrace the buffet. Actually, just embrace the fact that you are now a whole pants size bigger and oddly enough your shoes don’t fit anymore. Gaining weight in your feet is a real problem and affects hundreds of families every year. Accept the horror that is your new body. Because who’s going to the Rec Center in January? Future failures, that’s who. Their resolutions are built on foundations of Krispy Kremes. You’re made of tougher stuff, literally. Those sugar cookies really
solidified your lower body. You’ve been snowed into your dorm/apartment, and there’s no hope of an escape: Order Papa John’s and hope your professor has suddenly perished in a freak Christmas ornament accident. Those debit dollars aren’t going to spend themselves. And those 8 seasons of Doctor Who aren’t going to watch themselves, either. Send an email to your prof (if they’re still with us) regretfully informing he or she of your absence, and buckle down in your twin XL for the long haul. Possibly the entire winter semester. You switched your major after first semester and have no life goals: The key is not to panic. This is practically what the Liberal Studies program was created for. Grand Valley intuitively predicted that halfway through one of your magnificent and legacy-leaving years at GV you’d discover your passion indeed is not engineering, or nursing, or business. Go ahead, register for that movement science class that’s really Zumba in disguise. You take that pottery class, you wild and unchained spirit. When future employers spot that kind of experience on your resume, they’ll practically fight to the death to have you on their squad.
9.) Read More: Congratulations! You can check this off your list because you picked up a copy The Black Sheep! Looks like you finally amounted to something, big fella. Just keep reading this for the rest of the semester and you’re good to go. 8.) Get Organized: Whether you’re in a dorm, apartment, or house, you don’t live in a clean environment. It’s not your fault, we get it, and all of us have better things to do with our time than clean. But this semester is different, you’re going to make time to keep it all clean. Until that entire pitcher of beer spills and your ex-girlfriend’s cat pukes in the corner right when you’re like, writing a paper and behind on reading and hungover. Well, you tried. 7.) Save Money: So, you finally checked your bank statement when you got home for the break. Fewer digits than you thought, huh? 6.) Volunteer: Might as well just tell people you’re going to volunteer instead of actually doing it. Everyone knows you’re not going to do it, but you can still muster a little bit of fulfillment by merely mouthing the words. Don’t kid yourself with this one, you need to work on you before you work on others. 5.) Balance School and Your Personal Life: Look Mom, we aren’t happy about the 1.73 either, but you have to remember, “It’s not the grades you make, but the hands you shake.” Keep telling yourself that every morning in front of the mirror, immediately before you go back to bed before your 8 a.m. . 4.) Quit Smoking: This one probably wasn’t even your choice as a resolution. 99.69% of people who choose to quit smoking in the New Year are doing so because their significant other is withholding sex if they don’t. So as soon as you realize that there is always a hotter guy/girl, especially at Grand Valley, you’ll take off that stupid patch and suck down that nicotine. 3.) Learn Something New: Learn Spanish, learn how to cook, learn how to effectively poop in emergency situations — look, we’re at school for a reason: to learn stuff. You’re learning new things everyday, it’s basically your “job” as a full-time student. There’s no reason to learn more stuff than you have to right? Let’s just negate this resolution before you go out and buy that Emergency Pooping for Dummies book. 2.) Drink Less: This one falls in line with volunteering. It feels good to say, and maybe you even mean it. But don’t kid yourself, you’ll realize you can drink less when you’re 28, bald, and taking care of your friend’s shitty cat. 1.) Exercise More: You’re all perfect. We don’t need to lose weight or get in better shape like the cows in Kalamazoo or Ohio, but if some of our brethren want to get in better shape and somehow look even better than they do now, The Black Sheep salutes you and wishes you well… but it won’t last. You’re going to look in the mirror one day and ask yourself, “Why mess with perfection?” Then you’ll join the rest of us at Chipotle.
05
Around campus Tweet your pictures using #GVPartyPics to @Theblacksheepgv
on the Streets What New Year’s Resolution best defines a college student?
Katie
“Lose freshman fifteen, get better grades, shoot for a four point, and wake up earlier.”
Brandon
“Work harder in school, and stop drinking so much.”
Mitch
“Stay hungry and foolish. Hungry for success, Steve Jobs said that.”
06
DECIDING WHERE TO LIVE NEXT YEAR?
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He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid All Week Long! 50 Cent Wings During Any Michigan Team’s Game 4-9 Happy Hour
WEDNESDAY Flip Night: 3pm-10pm We will flip a coin for your tab! Beer and food both included! Heads you pay, tails we pay. (see in store for details)
$5 Burritos or 50 Cent Wings
$5 Pitchers (3pm-10pm)
$10 Carafes
Karaoke 9:30-close
Buy Any 2 Pitchers and get a FREE One Topping 18” Pizza (2pm-6pm)
Saturday
$3.99 Spiked Bull
All Week Long! 50 Cent Wings During Any Michigan Team’s Game 4-9 Happy Hour
Buy Any 2 Pitchers and get a FREE One Topping 18” Pizza (2pm-6pm)
Sunday
$3.50 Bloody Mary
Pool Tournaments
$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)
Monday
$5.99 Burger & Draft Combo
$6 Burger & Brew
$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)
35 Cent Wings, College Night
$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)
All Pizzas $10
Flip Night: 3pm-10pm We will flip a coin for your tab! Beer and food both included! Heads you pay, tails we pay. (see in store for details)
SPECIAL NIGHT Thursday Friday
Tuesday Wednesday
January Beer of the Month Leinenkugel’s Snowdrift Vanilla Porter - 14 oz. Draft $3.79
55 Cent Wings Thursdays! $1 Off Martinis 4pm-close
55 Cent Wings Tuesdays! $1 Off Craft Drafts 4pm-close
$2.25 Glass House Wine & $10 Bottle House Wine
Take a Break at GVHookah Lounge! Great Specials All Week! Wednesday: Karaoke Night Thursday: Live DJ, Happy Hour 4-6:30pm with 20% off Hookahs - Starts at $9 10745 48th Ave., Allendale, MI | facebook.com/GVHookahLounge
The Bar Grid Happy Hour: Monday-Friday $2.75 20oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Well Drinks
WEDNESDAY: TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm $4 Jager Bombs, $3 Tall Labatt Drafts
SPECIAL NIGHT
LIVE MUSIC 7-10pm Drink Specials $3 calls 9pm-close
9pm-Midnight: $2-$3-$2 U-Call-Its $3.99 Boneless Chicken Dinger Platters
$4 Long Islands, $4 Three Olive Bombs, $3 Heineken Bottles
Thursday
3 Floor Friday! Upstairs: $5 Corona and Tequila Shot | Main: $5 Highlight and Whiskey Shot Basement: $5 PBR and Jager Shot
Happy Hour 12-8pm $3 and $4 DRINK Specials 9pm-close
9pm-Midnight: $3 Captain Morgan cocktails $3 Pinnacle Flavored Vodka Cocktails
$4 Margaritas $7 Labatt Pitchers
Friday
Any 2 menu items and a bottle of wine or pitcher of beer for $30
Happy Hour 12-8pm $3 and $4 SHOT Specials 9pm-close
Noon-6pm: $2 Domestic Pints 9pm-Midnight: $3 Long Islands and $5 Bulldozers
$3 Wells, $3.50 Tall Bud Light Drafts
Saturday
Come Check us Out on Wednesday’s for 1/2 off drinks!
Happy Hour 12-8pm $3 calls 9pm-midnight
Brunch Buffet: 8am-2pm $2.00 Well Drinks All Day
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Sunday
$1.50 Rolling Rock, PBR, Miller Highlife After 9pm: $2 Select Shots $5 Vodka Redbulls
Happy Hour 12-8pm $3 wells 8pm-midnight
$2.99 Margaritas All Day! $3.99 Peach/Raspberry/Mango and Banana Margaritas All Day $3.99 Taco Basket
$4 Tall Craft Brews $1 Off All Burgers
Monday
$5 Patron Shots $2.50 Corona/Corona lt. bottles After 9pm: $3 Wells, $2 Domestic Bottles, $1.50 Select Shots
Highlife Tuesdays 9pm-close! $1.50 Highlife Beer $1 Highlife Shot
9pm-Midnight: $3 U-Call-Its & $3.99 1/2 Burgers Karaoke with Deb from 9pm-1am
$2 Wells, $3 Tall Bud Light
Tuesday
Happy Hour 12-8pm OPEN MIC NIGHT $3 Bacardi & Coke
9pm-Midnight: $4 Martinis $4.99 Pitchers of PBR $3.99 Select Appetizers
TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm $4 Jager Bombs $3 Tall Labatt Drafts
Wednesday
WEDNESDAYS! 1/2 off all drinks
High Life Tuesdays! $3 U-Call-Its 9pm-12 $1 Rocket shot ALL NIGHT! $1.50 Highlife ALL NIGHT!
$1.50 Rolling Rock and Brooklyn Lager Cans, $2 PBR and Miller Highlife Cans, $3 Boddington and Strongbow Cans $5 Vodka Redbulls, $3 Wells, and Sex on the Beach
1/2 off all drinks
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Walking in a Winter Wonderland: A Guide to Giving Winter the Middle Finger By Getting to Class By: Casey Stoddard It’s here, that time of year when winter goes from being cute to being your motive for wanting to turn every snowman into a snow angel. Sorry kids, but Frosty needs to take his top hat and get out of town before someone goes all John Wilkes Booth on him. The holidays are over, yet we’re stuck in this winter wonder-why-Ilive-in-West-Michigan land, until at least the end of March. But fear not, devoted readers. The Black Sheep has compiled a list of tips on how to get to class without being buried alive by Mother Nature. Consider utilizing a team of sled dogs. Sure, people will look at you weird, but none of those people had the balls to tell the great Cuba Gooding Jr. that his mode of transportation in the classic film Snow Dogs was silly. If it’s good enough for Cuba, it’s good enough for you. The pros definitely outnumber the cons. Pros: No more cleaning off your windshield or digging your car out of the snow, you’ll save money on gas and your new mode of transportation is environmentally friendly. So when you hear girls saying to their friends, “Who’s the cool guy with the dog sled? I want to bang him so frequently you’ll think we’re
trying to repopulate Earth,” you’ll know they’re talking about you. Finally, we doubt Public Safety will be able to put a parking ticket on a pack of dogs. Cons: you’ll have to pick up a lot of dog poop, but that’s a small price to pay. Also, your sleigh may not be big enough to transport all the women you’ll get back to your dorm. Or start a bobsled team. If Jamaica can have a bobsled team, then so can Grand Valley. Finding three other people who are sick of the cold won’t be a difficult task. There are plenty of hills that will provide you with enough speed to get across campus and to class on time, so grab your lucky egg and try not to crash into the clock tower or go flying off the Little Mac Bridge. Don’t go to class. Blame seasonal depression, claim the door to your building was frozen shut, say your new car (sled dogs) ate your homework, anything you can think of. Get notes from your friends in class and stay in and do some soul searching in between Netflix marathons. It’s hard to transition back into school mode after the long winter break, so what better way to ease the transition than to prolong
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it. Emerge on Groundhog Day ready to take on the semester, and if you see your shadow, it’s another six weeks of Netflix. Rules are rules. We all know the winter sucks, but it makes
the first day of warm weather that much better. Following this guide will lead you to the sunshine and people complaining about the summer heat. If at any point you feel defeated by the winter, refer to this guide, or cope with the winter the same
way everyone else does: bitch about it on Facebook like you’re the only one experiencing it. Or, a much more effective coping mechanism: put your head down and stare at the girl in front of you wearing leggings to take your mind off the cold.
N O W HIRIN W RITING | MARK
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Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: In a relationship Major: Double major in Spanish and international relations, minor in political science. Favorite Drink: Atwater Vanilla Java Porter Favorite Shot: Tequila Disgusting Drink: Applesauce shots 2014 will be the year of…?: Not Justin Bieber. What song lyric best captures you?: Anything by Ed Sheeran. What’s your least favorite word?: Chunky.
Kayla of Applebee’s
Drinking Game
If you had to lose a limb, which one would it be?: Left arm, because I’m right handed and I still want to run around.
Who’s the fastest draw in the west?: Adam Levine. Is capitalism a problem systemic in today’s culture, or in a postindustrialization world, should the delegation of labor be such that man is divided into classes, each different from the other socially, politically and economically?: I believe in capitalism, labor shouldn’t be split. What’s the next big paradigm shift in pornography?: Inclusion of the wrecking ball. Yo, where da Radisson at?: What is that? Why should people read The Black Sheep? Because it’s funnier than The Lanthorn.
Recipe for disaster
Space Jam Drinking Game
Back-To-It Bacon Pancakes
Everybody get up, it’s time to slam (down some beers) now, we got a real jam (going down our throats, because in this situation jam is beer and you will drink some while watching this movie). What You’ll Need: A DVD (or VHS!) of this epic film and a few brews. Number of Players: However many people it takes to get Bill Murray to make a cameo. Level of Intoxication: You’re going to take this thing into overtime.
Now that mommy dearest isn’t around to make you breakfast, lunch, and dinner you’re free to spiral downward into a pit of gluttony that only a college student could dream of. Because of that: bacon pancakes.
How to Play: -Drink one when every non-Michael Jordan NBA player makes a cameo. -Drink one any time Wayne Knight (Newman) makes an appearance on screen. -Drink one each time a new Looney Toon makes an appearance. -Drink one when “retired” is uttered. -Drink two when any character breaks the fourth wall. -Drink two when any of Michael Jordan’s endorsements are mentioned in the movie. -Drink two anytime someone does something on the basketball court that is decidedly out of the realm of possibility. -Drink three the first instance of a pun or alliteration (Ex: Monstars or Moron Mountain) is used. - Drink three when characters drink MJ’s secret stuff. The Game Ends When: Those evil Monstars leave the court in shame.
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What You’ll Need: Six strips of bacon, premade pancake batter, salt and pepper. Cook Time: 12 minutes, or so. What are we, a Citizen Eco-Drive watch, Eli Manning? Fatty Factor: There’s a whole pornographic subculture for people like you. Let’s Get Baked: -Season bacon with salt and pepper. -On a large griddle or skillet, cook the strips of bacon until they are well-done. -Remove the bacon from the cooking device and discard most of the fat, leaving a thin film. -Put the bacon back onto the device, carefully spoon pancake batter over each strip of bacon. -Cook until one side of the pancake batter is golden-brown. -Flip the pancake, cook the other side to golden-brown as well. -Serve (only to yourself ) and enjoy. After sucking down a few platefuls of these, you’ll be ready to get back to your poor eating habits full-swing. We can do this! We can solve the skinny people epidemic in no time, guys!
nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com
The Black Sheep Interviews
Mary Lambert By: Brendan
As a college student, you heard “Same Love” somewhere
between 1,000,000 and 1,000,005 times in the past calendar year. The lady crooning on the track is none other than Mary Lambert. With Welcome to the Age of My Body, her first major-label release, available now, she talked with us about…uh…stuff. The Black Sheep: How would you describe yourself to someone who might not be familiar with you? Mary Lambert: I’d describe myself as someone who is a really vulnerable artist. I’m seeking human connection through art. I think my strengths are as a writer, I consider myself more a writer than anything. TBS: What is your creative process like? Mary: It’s entirely chaotic and random. I think what really happens is, if I allow myself to sit down at a piano or guitar, it’s just about that. As soon as I sit down the wheels start turning. It feels more divine than anything else. I try not to come up with any preconceptions of what I’m going to write, I let the song come to me. TBS: How is your new album, Welcome to the Age of My Body compared to previous works? Mary: I don’t know if it’s any different, maybe more aggressive. TBS: What do you mean by that? Mary: It’s more a reclamation than a soft, delicate album. This
is more a reclamation of myself. There’s a new attitude that I didn’t have before.
hoping that people get it. If I got abused, I have to find some good from it.
TBS: Your album just came out. How much of what you worked on for that made the album? How much ends up on the cutting room floor? Mary: My ego says all the songs are good, but it’s important to me that I’m listening to what the audience says, too. About two months ago I was on tour and I played a song I had written that day and the audience really responded to it. On the other hand, I just played a new song at another show, and I don’t think the audience felt it. I don’t think it was the right thing, you know?
TBS: What consideration do you give as to how you address rough subject matter? Mary: There’s a lot of thought as to executing it. You can border on being exploitative to yourself about your experiences. It’s important that you don’t wallow in your own shit. Recognize this stuff happened, but think about how you can change the effect of it.
TBS: You talk about being a vulnerable artist, how does a more aggressive album play into that? Mary: I think it’s more aggressive in the sense that I’m trying to reclaim space as someone who was previously insecure or hurting. There’s a toughness to it, but I think there’s also vulnerability when you can also stand your ground. Vulnerable doesn’t mean you can be walked over.
TBS: Do you ever get negative feedback about this stuff? Mary: Now, with a major label release, I’ve been getting criticism and learning about it. Before, I felt I had been pretty lucky with a base that gets me. A journalist said I was “wallowing in [my] own despair” and that I “croon in [my] songs about wanting to kill [myself ]” and I thought, “I don’t feel like that at all!” My music isn’t something to put on at a party, but it’s a moment of vulnerability that helps people relate and have a dialogue about.
TBS: How do you write about subject matter that may be otherwise difficult to address? Mary: I don’t know how to not. I don’t know how to be protected. I don’ tknow how to censor myself. I think there’s a difference between writing about these things—rape and very vulnerable things about my body. People thinking, “How does she do that?” For me, it’s about wanting to start a dialogue and
TBS: Do you consider criticism—both positive and negative—when you get it? Mary: It’s a hard thing to balance because you want to be pleasing your audience, express yourself musically, and you don’t want to just be creating something just a critic will like. It’s a matter of being self-aware of what you’re creating while making something that’s accessible.
JANUARY: By: Brendan
Film’s Winter Wasteland
Sure, it may be cold outside, but your local theater is heating up with new releases abound. Hah, no, sorry. January is a wasteland in the movie world—the garbage pile where studios dump trash so they can get ‘em in DVD bargain bins by spring break. We highlight four of these disasters for your viewing pleasure.
The Legend of Hercules
Ride Along
Release Date: January 10th
Release Date: January 17th
Why Kellan Lutz is Starring In This: Ok, let’s be realistic people, this is exactly the kind of movie Kellan Lutz stars in.
Why Kevin Hart and Ice Cube are Starring In This: Because both these guys are in fucking everything.
Elevator Pitch: “Dude, bros are a pretty huge thing right now, and I don’t think there was a greater bro in Greek mythology than that Hercules bro. His dad was, like, the CEO of Mount Olympus, and he got to go on all these rad adventures and bang a bunch of chicks.”
Elevator Pitch: “Listen, Ice Cube really wants to be the badass in an action movie, but the only person in Hollywood shorter than him is Kevin Hart. Is he available for—what, he’ll do it for a cheeseburger and a 1992 Volvo 240? Let’s greenlight this bastard!”
What Ended Up On the Cutting Room Floor: The scene in which Hercules gets super-drunk, jacks off his Greek buddy in their room one night, considers suicide, then sends some scrolls out to court some skanks to reassert his heterosexuality, setting precedent for Greek bros for years to come.
What Ended Up On the Cutting Room Floor: After Hart lets the bad guys get away again, he screams in desperation as Ice Cube mean-mugs towards him. Also, scenes exactly like this occur 20 other times in the movie.
I, Frankenstein
That Awkward Moment
Release Date: January 24th
Release Date: January 31st
Why Aaron Eckhart is Starring In This: Because a strong jaw, piercing blue eyes and a WASP-y demeanor are just what Mary Shelly envisioned. Elevator Pitch: “Hi Mr. Towson, it’s Aaron Eckhart’s agent. Yeah, long story short, he fucked my wife, and now he must pay. You guys go anything in the works?” What Ended Up On the Cutting Room Floor: A montage in which Dr. Frankenstein operates on his monster, removing his desire to be in quality movies and any semblance of self-respect, only to replace them with poor make-up and ridiculous stitch marks.
Why Zac Efron is Starring In This: We’re not saying it’s definitely because of his now-kicked coke habit, but we will say it’s probably because of his now-kicked coke habit. Elevator Pitch: “Well, other movies based on sassy girl catchphrases like, Talk to the Hand, Don’t Go There Girlfriend, and They Be Rapin’ Everybody Out Here were huge hits, nothing can go wrong!” What Ended Up On the Cutting Room Floor: After Efron’s Jason leaves a girl’s apartment, refusing sex on the first date, the three guys have an ethical discussion on the importance of patience in a relationship, and why it’s important to discover a woman’s true inner beauty over her outward appearance.
nic cage film bonanza Do you know what movies all of these Nic Cage characters are from? Email us at bonanza@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
Film bank
1) Ghost Rider 2) Wicker Man 3) Face off 4) Raising Arizona 5) Con Air
6) Drive Angry 7) Kick Ass 8) The Weather Man 9) National Treasure
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