Grand Valley - Issue 2 - 9/11/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 3

The Black Sheep

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The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 2

GVSU Wrecking Ball Behind Bars Shardae Rudel wrote this

During the first week of class, returning students were shocked to see the GVSU Wrecking Ball behind bars outside Padnos Hall of Science. The last time Lakers saw the Wrecking Ball, it was hidden in a closed-off construction site as evasive GV-hired construction workers left their equipment behind to guard it against curious eyes. Its once-sacred home has turned into its prison cell as Laker-blue bars cut off the ball’s contact with the rest of campus. As returning students and staff will recall, the sudden disappearance of the ball occurred after scandalous photos and videos on the internet gained nationwide attention and brought much media interest to a normally-docile Grand Valley. The sudden imprisonment is in result of allegations brought against the Wrecking Ball by GV executives. Among the charges is misconduct and indecent exposure for the Wrecking Ball’s part in last year’s Miley Cyrus-inspired escapades. According to the numerous shocked faces and Instagram photos, GV is witnessing the beginning of a campus-wide uproar at the discovery of the ball’s new home. Last year’s #ReinstallTheBall Twitter campaign brought the Wrecking Ball back to campus, yet no one predicted at what cost. “No one thought to ask questions,” sophomore Haley George mused, “I just thought they were building a bigger sandpit or something. It never crossed my mind that they were building a prison.” Haley is not alone in her confusion. Junior Jennifer Smith recalled passing by the taped-off building site every day during the last few weeks of classes before summer break: “If I would have known I was witnessing a prison being built I would have started a protest or something,” she said. “But I didn’t know! None of us did...” Despite the overwhelming sympathy for the harsh treatment of the Wrecking Ball, executives have not backed down nor have they given any inclination that they will drop the charges and free the ball. George Greyson, one of the accusers, had this to say about the situation: “The Wrecking Ball has a history of negatively influencing the young minds of GV. The executive decision to put it behind bars was unanimous and was done with the safety of the student body in mind.” This is not the first disagreement between the Wrecking Ball and GV execs, however. The ball sued GV upon its first return to campus after being held at an undisclosed location nearly a year ago. Clearly things

have not simmered since then. The Black Sheep ventured to the prison site earlier this week to get a statement from the Wrecking Ball itself: “I just bring out that side in people,” it said. “It’s not my fault if they feel the need to misbehave in my company; I’m just a pawn, really. I think these bars are a bit ridiculous. I’m already on a chain, for heaven’s sake, where am I gonna go? How much harm could I possibly do?” According to the GV execs? A lot. The executives refuse to post bail for the Wrecking Ball, sentencing it to a life of imprisonment.

“We’re withholding bail to make an example, not out of any sort of vindication,” Richard Ferris, another GV exec, added vindictively. “The crude behavior exhibited by the Wrecking Ball will not be tolerated. We will continue to hold it until the situation can be more firmly assessed.” Nearly a year later and the plot continues to thicken as the ball lives the rest of its days behind bars. #FreeTheBall, anyone?

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PAGES 12-13

FRESHMAN “HELLA STOKED” FOR $40 FIGHT CLUB POSTER

GVSU STUDENTS DON’T KNOW WHAT BEING “GREEN” MEANS

THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: SARAH JAFFE

SHOULD LOOK REEEALLL NICE NEXT TO HIS V FOR VENDETTA POSTER.

MORE ASSOCIATED WITH ‘EGGS AND HAM’ THAN ‘REDUCE, RECUSE, RECYCLE.’

WE CHAT WITH THE SINGER/SONGWRITER ABOUT HER TOUR AND LATEST ALBUM.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Claire Fisher

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

EDITORIAL MANAGER Rachel McLaughlin

OWNER Atish Doshi

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Maya Campbell, Brooks O’Brien

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Julie Nichols, Mike Lamberti Shardae Rudel, Jeff Perry Teresa Williams DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Logan Bailey

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE BRIDES IN THE BATH “Jay quietly wondered if today was the day he’s finally pop that zit on his scalp.” Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

CATAPPALLED To be so offended by something, one is forced to launch oneself into a stranger’s conversation. Ziev was so catappalled at the discussion between two Holocaust deniers, he couldn’t help but angrily approach them.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. Above is an outline of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Was Playboy Playmate of the Month in November, 1980.

Appeared in ZZ Top’s video, “Legs.”

Husband is former MLB pitcher.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @THEBLACKSHEEPGV

PAGE 4 • 9/11/2014 - 9/24/2014 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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GVSU FRESHMAN “HELLA STOKED”

FOR $40 FIGHT CLUB POSTER

GVSU’s sidewalk vendors are the perfect place to find movie posters to decorate your new living arrangements. Students of all ages can find college dorm art classics such as: “Rastafarian-Colored Bob Marley Printed Smoking a Joint,” “Fractal Pattern That Kinda Looks Cool Under Black Light #07346,” and “Just The Beatles, I Guess...?” If fine art isn’t your thing, you might be like GVSU freshman and film nut Kyle Nehmert. While holding a $40 poster he told The Black Sheep: “I love all sorts of movies that might not be considered ‘normal.’ I’m hella-stoked over getting ahold of the last available Fight Club poster, and what a price!” Growing up, Nehmert felt different from the rest of his classmates. He believed that, “At the time, I felt like a loser, but really I just hadn’t found the right hyper-masculine entry-level psychological thriller yet.” Nehmert emphasizes that his experiences as a social outcast were not his fault. He insists that, “Movies like Fight Club have taught me that being a man is hard and the best way to deal with that frustration is to pummel my own impotence into others. Also, anarchy is cool.” Like most freshman film buffs, Nehmert has an interesting story from high school regarding Fight Club. Fondly remembering his past, he tells us, “My friends and I started our own fight club in high school. It was just us three, but nobody dared think about messing with us after we all came in with black eyes.” It wasn’t easy for him to find a venue to host the club, however. Nehmert said, “A few minutes in, mom would hear the sounds of our forearms slapping together, so it never got

further than that. She never gave us the chance to show off our best skills.” Decorating your dorm is a great way to demonstrate your individuality. Nehmert tells us that down the hallway, “There were like 10 different rooms with those awesome Tibetan prayer flags from Spencer’s Gifts, and I’m into the Noble Eightfold Path as much as any 18-year-old searching for enlightenment, so I need some of those myself so I can show that I’m one of them.” Despite his lucky find, Nehmert worries about the purchase, “Yesterday, there was a cooler poster for $60, but someone must have bought it. I’m glad I saved the money, but that means there’s someone out there who has a cooler poster than me. Maybe I should find him and fight him. Actually, that might be cool, maybe we could start a GVSU fight club together, I bet nobody’s ever thought of that before.” He also admits to never having read the novel upon which the movie was based, “After seeing the film, I couldn’t imagine the book being better. Besides, they probably end the same way.” Most of Nehmert’s anxiety came from needing to economize the space in his dorm, “After putting up my Into the Wild and V for Vendetta posters, I might not have enough room for this one.” Nehmert left The Black Sheep with the assertion that there is nothing funny or ironic about him spending $40 for a poster of a movie about anti-capitalism, self-reliance, and anarchy from a street vendor, and then not being able to put it up because he bought too many other posters about anticapitalism, self-reliance, and anarchy.

Mike Lamberti wrote this

#EMBRACETHECHANGE

THE TOP TEN Places at GV to Unintentionally Make Friends College life is easier when you have like-minded assholes to share it with. The Black Sheep believes you can never have too many people to mooch off of and has compiled a list of 10 places you may unintentionally make friends at Grand Valley. 10.) The bus: Whether you end up chatting about each other’s Captain America t-shirts or apologizing over the impromptu lap dance caused by a sudden stop, the 50, 37, and 48 are great places to meet new people. 9.) Returning books to the campus bookstore: Bringing back your textbooks after finally dropping that class you had a feeling was a bad idea? You can find others who’re doing the same thing! Maybe you can cry together about how much you spent on that textbook, too. 8.) Fresh Food Co.: Nothing says “beautiful friendship potential” like two people awkwardly brushing fingers over the same dessert item. Once you move past the humiliation, you can bro it out. Or maybe you’ll end up starting a riot over the last slice of Laker Bowl.

Professors Now Kicking Students in Genitals to “Help the University”

7.) GV’s Einstein Bros Bagels: The best place for breakfast on campus is also the best place to meet other people. A guaranteed conversation starter is trying to figure out how to order with the touchscreen menu, no one understands how to buy a drink from there. You can chat in line while deciding what bagel to order, getting coffee, or waiting for your food. Food and friends; it’s a real win-win.

Jeff Perry wrote this

With the ritual lightening of every student’s wallet come tuition deadline comes an even more noticeable kick in the groin as professors are literally kicking students in the groins. For those who are unaware, GVSU’s administration recently decided to sock students in the mouth with another tuition increase. While the money helped, administration felt the students could help just a bit more. An anonymous administration head explained to The Black Sheep that the decision was made to let professors relieve the faculty of their number one stress-inducer: students. Dr. H. Bart Merkle, Vice Provost for Student Affairs and Dean of Students, explained further saying: “We are always thinking of ways we can kick our students in the balls, so we figured why not literally do that? If it weren’t for the students always asking faculty questions, the stress level of our faculty would dramatically decrease. Seeing as students will always have their constant questioning we decided this was the next best thing.” Going into detail as to why stress relief is important to remove from faculty, Merkle continued, “Imagine if you were a professor. You need to have your coursework and teachings all planned out during the summer as well as make sure it abides by all the regulations GVSU puts in their stuff. Add that to the fact they have to speak in front of a bunch of snot-nosed punks and you’d want to kick someone in the balls too.” The administration also explained that this could be the first of many new implementations in stress-relieving for the

university: “While a allowing a swift kick to the groin is the most effective way students can help make this university better,” Merkle expounds, “there are plenty of other ways they can help out. For instance, another way to help relieve stress from faculty is to come to class because you want to, not because you need to. If we had a nickel for every student who showed up and spent the entire period tweeting we would have enough for another new library by now.” The Black Sheep asked students their thoughts on this, with most being very understanding and excited to see where the change goes. “Personally, I think this is a great idea,” explained freshman Harold Carr, “If it makes the environment here better and improves our institution I’m all for it. That’s what T. Haas meant by embracing the change right?” Senior Joseph Merkowski also added, “If we can make GVSU one of the top colleges in the nation I think it would be worth the sacrifices we students have to make.” Finally, another student explained her opinion on the matter saying, “A few things taken away is no big deal, whether it is a few hundred dollars or some displeasure in my nether region it is all pretty much the same. I’m a Laker and I will show my Laker pride no matter what.” So with your light wallet and heavy books, it may be wise to start wearing a cup to class as well, especially if you are one of the students that every professor hates to have in class. If you have any more ideas to help the university, tweet at us @TheBlackSheepGV with #EmbraceTheChange.

6.) During a late-night fire alarm: This place will vary, depending where you live, but whether you live in Neimeyer or Robinson, the bond forged over mutual disdain when the fire alarm goes off, and toward the person who caused it, is a strong one. There’s something universally unholy about being forced outside in the middle of the night that brings people together. 5.) In the wrong classroom: Going to the wrong class is embarrassing, but maybe while you’re there you’ll happen across some other poor soul who also has to shamefully flee the classroom after the first ten minutes when he realizes “No, this is not COM 202.” 4.) The Mary Idema Pew Library: Sometime during the semester, you are going to be in the library. Studying, sleeping, taking advantage of the Hot Pocket vending machines, whatever. The crushing reality of everything you need to do for class is going to fall on you, and you will cry all over those faux wood desks. Hopefully someone will reach over and awkwardly pat your back. 3.) GVPD police car: Getting arrested at the same time as another student for unrelated offenses? Be sure to get each other’s numbers before you go your separate ways. Your arresting officer would be happy to help. 2.) K parking lot: There’s one jerk who decides their two-spot parking job is good enough and other people notice. Bond with these people and form a mutual hate-club. 1.) Getting shouted at by religious protestors: Like clockwork during the fall and spring semesters, you can expect the zealots to park themselves in the “free speech zone” on campus. Find someone nearby they also screamed at, and tell jokes while filing your bias incident reports. Teresa Williams wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE MOST REGRETTABLE THING YOU’VE DONE SINCE YOU’VE BEEN BACK AT SCHOOL? Karlee, Junior

“Spent $3,000 on a new computer!”

Mante, Junior

“Took on a 3rd-shift job.”

Heather, Junior

“Trying to work a 20-hour job while going to engineering school.”

AROUND CAMPUS PAGE 7 • 9/11/2014 - 9/24/2014 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

GVSU Students Don’t Know What

Being “Green” Means Julie Nichols wrote this

In recent years, Grand Valley State University has been trying to become more of an environmentally conscious campus and attempting to educate students and faculty on being “green.” However, a recent survey done by the Brooks School of Interdisciplinary Studies revealed that most students actually have no idea what it means to be environmentally sustainable. “To put it in layman’s terms, our survey told us that students don’t know jack shit about green,” Olive Mendel, an environmental studies major, told The Black Sheep. “In fact, undergraduates associated being green more with ‘eggs and ham’ than ‘reduce, reuse, recycle.’ ” Mendel went on to say that the survey consisted of roughly 10 questions designed to test students’ environmental knowledge as well as what GVSU has done to be green-conscious. For example, one question asked about the blue glass walls in the Mary Idema Pew Library.

“Well, apparently, the correct answer was that three trillion or something straws were cut up and used as decoration in the new library,” said advertising major Kelly Willa. “When I found that out, I got excited that the straws were reusable, but when I smashed the glass so I could use one of the straws, I got yelled at. I went through all that hard work and those straws were way too short for my milkshake!” Willa isn’t the only student confused about GVSU’s green projects. The Eco-Rep program created by Campus Sustainability initiated the Pizza Box Compost project, to educate the community. Specifically, teaching that pizza boxes can actually be composted, making everyone’s favorite food more eco-friendly. After the project’s initiation it became clear that most students misunderstood the purpose of composting. “I totally thought we were composting pizza boxes so we could have a lowprofile place to hide dead bodies,”

said apparent murderer and political science major Forest Detney. “Now I kinda understand that composting is important to preventing pollution and whatnot. Sure, I was way off, but hey, you win some, you lose some. Ya know?” These are the types of issues brought upon by GVSU’s lack of green knowledge. Arguably one of the easiest questions on the survey was: “What does it mean to be ‘green?’” According to Mendel, it was common for students to answer the question with statements like “Green means being abducted by Martians” or “If someone only reads books by John Green, then they are being green.” Mendel has yet to stop pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration. “Someone had the audacity to think being green meant to be envious,” Mendel said. “It’s like students don’t even care if all the resources vanished from our world. In fact, it appears as if most students are too preoccupied with their own lives to think about the future.” The Black Sheep spoke with Professor

Thomas Vert who developed the sustainability survey. Surprisingly, 100% of students answered question 10 correctly. “Question 10 asks if students know how to properly sort waste after eating a meal on campus. Seeing the correct answer on everyone’s survey was certainly puzzling,” Vert said. “Somehow, even though we never truly taught anyone on campus how to sort their waste, every person just simply and by magic knew what was landfill, compost, and recycling. It’s a green miracle!” Vert exclaimed.

When asked how GVSU plans to educate students effectively on green matters, Vert implied that the entire university would stop trying all together. “All our efforts to teach students about the environment ended up being a waste of time,” Vert said. “On the flip side, the one thing we never taught a single student has miraculously worked itself out. I think from now on we’ll let nature take its course and give up on education. Hell, in a few years from now, I bet everything will still be fine.”

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The Bar Grid

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21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

SPECIAL NIGHT

Monday - Friday! Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

FRIDAY! $3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Thursday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. $3 Beer Geek craft beer specials

$4 Microbrews Boneless Chicken Dinger Platter

Friday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer

$3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Saturday

11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

$2 Domestic Pints Noon-6 $5 Bulldozers and $3 Long Islands

Sunday

11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

$3.99 Bloody Marys 9-Midnight

Monday

Mug Club Night! Open 4pm - 12am: $2 Tier 1 + Tier 2 and 1/2 Off Burgers and Handhelds for Mug Clubber Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Michigan Monday, $3 select Michigan drafts

$3.99 Margaritas Fried Pickle Chips

Tuesday

Local Night! $2 Tier 1 + $3 Tier 2 Beers from 4pm - 12am Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Tipsy Tuesday, $3 draft of our beer geek’s choice

$3 You-Call-Its 1/2lb. Hamburger & Fries

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. WIMP 50cent wings (min 6); $6 1/2 lb mussels; 25% off pitchers

$4 Sangrias Hand-Battered Onion Rings

Wednesday

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21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

Happy Hour! 4-6pm Monday - Friday, 2-6pm Saturday & Sunday: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria $5 off all Burgers (the creature excluded) w/ purchase of a beverage from 6 to 11pm (Dine-In Only) Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Thursday

$4 Long Islands Beer and Shot Specials

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Friday Saturday

WEDNESDAY: TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm $4 Jager Bombs, $3 Tall Labatt Drafts

SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour 4-7, Mon-Fri $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks $2 Off Apps

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

Tuesday! Laker Night! $2 Wells Pitcher and Shot Specials Too many to list! Employee Handbook 2014

Happy Hour 4-7! $2 You Call Its 9PM-12AM 1/2 Off Food 8PM-10PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$4 Long Islands, $4 Three Olive Bombs, $3 Heineken Bottles

PBR Progression $0.50 Drafts at 7pm Price Rises Every 30 Minutes 1

Happy Hour 4-7! Ladies Night: $4 Drink Menu (8PM-12AM) for Ladies, No Cover Until 11PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$4 Margaritas $7 Labatt Pitchers

Rotating Drink Specials! Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$3 Wells, $3.50 Tall Bud Light Drafts

$5 Mully’s Blue Drinks 16oz., 7 liquors

Happy Hour 2-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

$3 MI Drafts and $3 Call Drinks All Day!

Closed Like Us on Facebook!

1/2 off Apps Starting at 8pm $2 Wells Greek Night

Rehab Brunch and Shit Show! $5 Build Your Own Bloody Mary bar from Noon to 5pm 1/2 off Jameson and $1 off Perrin and Founders Draft, Barfly ½ off night

Sunday

Happy Hour 4-7! Team Trivia 7-9! $3 Drafts 7-9PM, $3 Calls 9-12AM

$4 Tall Craft Brews $1 Off All Burgers

Karaoke at 9pm $1.75 Bartender’s Choice Shots

Drunken Retort 9-11pm: $3 Liquor Special $2 Rolling Rock, $3 Sangria by the Glass Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Monday

Happy Hour 4-7! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM

$2 Wells, $3 Tall Bud Light

Laker Night! $2 Wells Pitcher and Shot Specials Too many to list!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Tuesday

Happy Hour 4-7! Open Mic Night! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm $4 Jager Bombs, $3 Tall Labatt Drafts

Wings! $0.50 Traditional Wings 6 wings with Domestic Pint for $4.99

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Wednesday

PAGE 4 • 9/11/2014 - 9/24/2014 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Student Who Brought Guitar to Party Dies

After Having Too Much Sex Staff wrote this

An autopsy released yesterday revealed that Grand Valley State University sophomore Daniel Thompson died of “too much sex” following a party last Friday, September 12th. Thompson, a twenty-year-old chemistry major, brought a guitar to the event and was reportedly swarmed by lusty women. “Thompson’s body was filled with abnormally high levels of testosterone and serotonin, making him what is referred to as a ‘sex machine,’” read the report, which concluded that the proximate cause of dead was “a simultaneous aneurysm of the brain and phallus brought on by overstimulation.” Sources present at the party say that Thompson was “covered in chicks pretty much from start to finish” after walking into the townhouse on Resident Ct. “Danny was never really a ladies’ man,” sophomore Alex Chapledaine, and Thompson’s roommate, told The Black Sheep. “But I don’t know, something about that acoustic guitar he got from Goodwill changed things.” A police report of the event details how Thompson entered the party, sat down on a couch, and began strumming a few random chords. After making out with an unidentified partygoer for approximately fifteen minutes, Thompson started playing Third Eye Blind’s “Jumper.” “Thompson’s shirt and pants were ripped off by a throng of ravenous women. In the next thirty minutes, he was pleasured no less than seven times,” wrote Officer Chris DeAngelis. “Fights began to break out among those competing for his attention, including one woman who swung a sledgehammer to create a perimeter around her and Thompson.” DeAngelis goes on to detail the next two

hours of the party, during which Thompson played a few bars of “Santeria,” “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life),” and “Wish You Were Here” between almost unimaginably rapturous sexual congresses. “Several witnesses confirm that Thompson next began playing a song unknown to the other partygoers,” the report continues. “Only after he began singing a few of the lines did those present realize he was doing an acoustic version of Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz’‘Get Low.’” “Almost immediately, a mad rush to Thompson’s crotch ensued. Women passing by on the street broke windows to get in, and in one instance a passerby climbed on the roof and used a power saw to carve a hole in the ceiling directly above Thompson. Female birds, squirrels, cats, dogs, and at least one anaconda flooded the house. The residence became so crowded that the north-facing wall was knocked over into a sorority next door, which the sorority members then used as a ramp to run into the living room where Thompson was present.” Spectrum Health physician Ali Mikita hopes that this tragedy can be used as a teaching moment. “Every year, many young men are tempted to bring a guitar to a party. And sure, it seems great. Attention, adoration, sex; they are virtually guaranteed,” she explained. “But after orgasming ten, twenty, or perhaps dozens of times, it always ends the same way. You’re dead.” “We should count our lucky stars that Thompson did not get a chance to play ‘Wonderwall,’” Mikita said. “Who knows how many may have died then.” The police report also indicates that a junior who played “Over the Rainbow” on a ukulele at the party was treated for minor sexual injuries.

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single

and a platypus.

Major: Industrial Design

Where have those hands been, mister?: In our dirty dish water!

Favorite Drink: Beer

Disgusting Drink: Rolling Rock

Given the opportunity to abolish the existence of one clothing item, what do you choose?: Tube-tops. Just way too ‘70s.

What’s the last drink you had to learn how to make?: I was asked to make some stupid kind of blue margarita.

What old-timely slang word do you want to bring back to the mainstream?: “Groovy,” I don’t think that’s used enough.

How do you make it?: Oh, I didn’t!

What sex position most saliently describes the current geopolitical landscape?: The byyourself-kind, because everything is just all f***ed up.

Favorite Shot: Fireball

If you had to go down a Slip ‘N Slide lubed with any liquor, what liquor would you choose and why?: Rumples, because it’s really kind of Jello-y.

BLAKE of EASTOWN SPORTS BAR

THE DRINKING GAME WASTED WALLFLOWER It happens to the best, most popular of us (but mostly you): You end up at a party where you totes don’t know a single soul other than the person you showed up with. It’s ok, sweet, sweet beer is a social lubricant, so post up in a corner and give this game a whirl. You’ll be chatting up the populace in no time. What You’ll Need: A creepin’ corner and a bee-line to the nearest available strong drink. Number of Players: You’re riding solo on this one. Level of Intoxication: Your howling cackle from the corner will draw stares of ire. How to Play: Once you’ve posted up, drink when: - Someone looks like they’re coming to talk to you and oh god make it stop. - Awkward eye contact is established for nary a brief moment. - Another partygoer tries to get past you and you guys do the, “ok, I’ll go this way, no, you’re going that wa—nevermind, ok what way are you going?” thing. - Someone does an over-excited celebration during a more, say…social drinking game. - You witness an obvious flirt move like a hair-brush or an arm-touch. - The person you showed up with half-heartedly motions you to come over and join the gang. - A duo or group offers a celebratory cheers. You celebrate silently. - A group arrives to raucous applause because people actually know them. The Game Ends When: You’re rummed up enough to go have a chit-chat with someone you haven’t yet alienated with your creepshow antics.

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Mix two animals to make your own spirit animal: Honey badger

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: For enlightening info, obviously!

RECIPE FOR DISASTER “YEAH, I WORKED OUT FOR THE FIRST TWO WEEKS OF SCHOOL” PROTEIN SHAKE Everyone knows that the busiest time of year at the gym is right at the beginning of the semester. But after those first couple weeks, gym attendance drops so low that the only people there are the creepy, meathead basement dwellers. So in order to make your two weeks the most productive they can possibly be, you are going to need this kick-ass protein shake to really enhance your workout. What You’ll Need: A blender, a jar of protein powder, peanut butter, a pound of raw beef, yogurt, oatmeal, almonds, banana, kale, spinach, a carton of eggs, celery, the tears of the people whose asses you are soon to beat. Fatty Factor: Absolutely none. You’re working out so you’re being healthy, duh. Let’s Get Baked: -First, you have to be in your workout attire. Velour tracksuits and sweatbands are a must. -Dump the entire container of protein powder into the blender. That’s 65 servings of straightup protein and because you won’t be returning to the gym after next week, and you have to take as much as you can now. -Grind up the beef with your bare hands, and

mix it all in with the powder. DO NOT COOK THE BEEF, PANSY. -Measure out two cups of peanut butter and dump that in the blender. -Take your carton of eggs and drop all twelve of them into the blender – shell and all. Only pussies crack their eggs. -Dump the rest of your ingredients in, putting the overflow into a second blender if necessary. -Now, it’s time to get blending. Be sure to use the “crush” setting on your blender, and not some bitch setting like “puree” or “stir.” -Once your concoction is mixed, chug it all in one gulp. The sooner it gets in your system, the better. -Vomit profusely in the nearest toilet, sink, or garbage can. You just consumed raw beef and eggs, 65 times the amount of protein you were supposed to have, and a shit ton of other nasty ingredients. You will probably have E. coli or salmonella, and should seek immediate medical treatment. A shake like this is a sure way to guarantee you’ll never step foot in the gym again after those first two weeks. You can thank The Black Sheep for the perfect excuse to be a lazy, out-of-shape blob.

The Black Sheep Interviews: Sarah Jaffe

Singer/songwriter Sarah Jaffe is preparing for her upcoming tour to promote her new album, Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Disconnect. Jaffe, although on the verge of being sick before her tour, was generous enough to talk to and answer questions for The Black Sheep.

Katelin Howell wrote this

The Black Sheep: Who influenced you most in your music and forming your unique sound? Sarah Jaffe: I think it’s just a collection of a number of different artists. My parents in particular raised me and my sister on a lot of folk artists, and so that’s the way I started out. I started asking for musical instruments and my mom finally got me a guitar, and that’s the first instrument I started playing. I think I just kind of wanted to emulate those artists that my parents raised us on. I still listen to what we were raised on like James Taylor and Cat Stevens. But now I listen to everything. I still love the classics: Harry Nilsson will always be a favorite. But I also listen to a lot of Top 40 radio and, of course, Radiohead. TBS: Did you teach yourself the guitar? SJ: I did! Yeah! I had no concept of what chords were or anything; I just knew what sounded good together. So, in actuality, when I thought that I was inventing these sounds – like I remember playing a D in particular and I thought that I had invented this new and cool sound on my own. I just didn’t have a concept of what chords or notes were until not too much after. I was self-taught for the most part and I took a few lessons some years later but found out that I had already kind of scrambled and crawled my way to what I was taking lessons for. I already knew most of what was being taught. TBS: How did you go from writing songs for yourself to becoming a performer? SJ: I think it’s the same thing of no real concept in the beginning. There were no preconceived notions of what it all was. I knew from a really, really early age that I wanted to do something. I wanted to create. I was – for the most part – a really strange kid, still am (laughs). I was always making things, and when I got a guitar it just kind of translated well with me. I started writing music instantly, but I didn’t start writing music with the idea of like, “Okay I’m gonna do this.” It’s just when I turned 17, I just had this pretty large group of songs and I was like “I wanna sing them for other people besides my parents,” and my parents were cool enough to take me to this open mic night in Dallas where they had to chaperone me because I wasn’t old enough to get in (laughs). And I just fell in love with it. I liked the idea of writing and having this personal group of stories with you and sharing them with others and relating. So I think I didn’t really know I wanted to perform, I just knew I wanted to do something with music. TBS: You self-released your first EP in 2008, is that correct? SJ: Yes, it’s kind of correct. I was working with a cello player at the time and he kind of helped me find someone to financially support it, so it was kind of like a self-release. TBS: How did that process work? SJ: Well that’s when I first met John Con-

gleton. The cello player that I was playing with who was kind of managing me at the time, Chris Yeomans, introduced me to John and a booking agent pretty early on. John Congleton kind of took me on as, I don’t wanna say “as a favor,” but he was being nice. He didn’t know me, and Chris was kind of bridging the gap. So he wanted to introduce us and it worked out that John and I worked well together. And three years later I would be working on my first full-length record with him. But John just kind of met me where I was at at the time musically. I didn’t really have a band, I didn’t know a lot and I had never been in a studio before to make a record. John just kind of took me under his wing. TBS: Before a show do you have a certain routine that you do before you perform? SJ: I wouldn’t call it a routine. Depending on the show and how much sleep I’ve gotten, there’s usually a certain amount of anxiety and anticipation that goes into each show, and I think a lot of the time I require just a little bit of alone time, just to be by myself for just a few minutes to where I can kind of get out of that mindset of just getting trapped in some sort of nervous – I don’t know what it is. But I tend not to breathe very often before a show (laughs), so I just try to breathe a little bit and just focus on that. But, there’s really no ritual. I like hanging out with my band and sometimes we’ll do a pre-show cheer and stuff like that, but nothing crazy by any means. TBS: Do you still get nervous when you perform? SJ: Every once in a while and it’s kind of unannounced. Sometimes it just shows up and sometimes I’m just surprisingly relaxed and I don’t know what brings that on. I’m sure it’s a number of things: a culmination of how much sleep like I said, if I’ve had anything to eat that day. It could be anything. And certainly, I hate to pin this on being a female, but sometimes being a female you’re quite moody. And especially on the road it can be different each night. I kind of swing back and forth, but I feel like each show I grow a little bit more and get a little bit more confident and definitely confident in the people that I play with. There’s no doubt about that. TBS: What’s the most challenging part about writing a song? SJ: Finishing it! I’ll get really, really stoked on a verse and a chorus and it’s kind of because I’m prematurely excited, I’ll shoot myself in the foot with that emotion and then I can’t get past the first chorus. So sometimes it takes me being in the studio to apply that muchneeded pressure on finishing things. And it takes other people’s creative energy I think at this point, or at least with this record, it took kind of a spirited collaboration. TBS: You had a part on The Blue Umbrella, the Pixar short. How did you get involved in that? SJ: That all came about with the creator of the short, Saschka Unseld. I met

Saschka almost five years ago now, randomly at a show in San Francisco. He came up to me after the show and I was selling merch and we just hit it off immediately. Granted, the merch table can be grounds for really weird conversations, but I just liked him immediately. There was something about him that was kind of enthralling to me. I remember after we were talking he handed me his card and I saw that it had Pixar on it and I was like, “Holy shit!” And like three years later my manager got this email and it was in regards to a short being made and interest being shown on my voice being used with Jon Brion. And I about cried I was so excited because Jon Brion’s a hero, and I found out that it was Saschka. Long story short, we went out to L.A., Saschka and I became dear friends, and we still hang out. When he flies down to Dallas he’ll stay with me. It was one of those things that couldn’t have been more serendipitous. He’s just an amazing person and still we collaborate to this day. But it all came about through him. TBS: When writing a song, do you write the lyrics or the music first? SJ: Usually it takes me being inspired by some sort of melody that I hear for

a song to start. Granted, there have been a few occasions where I have just started writing lyrics or ideas and they kind of, over time, somehow make their way into a song. But usually it starts with something that I’ve been fidgeting with for a period of time and just have recorded, then I start to write a song. So I think it’s more so that it starts with something musical. Like whether it’s a keyboard line or something that I’ve layered with the guitar. But usually it has to be some sort of melody that I start with. TBS: What advice would you give others, like aspiring performers, who might want to get where you are today? SJ: First and foremost you really have to love it. I mean it’s up and down. It’s not what it was even when I first started performing 10 years ago. As far as a business goes, it’s weird, and I still don’t understand it a lot of times. So I kind of try to keep my head out of that because I feel like if I think about the business aspect of it all, my brain will implode. I just love writing. I love playing with a band that I adore, personally and musically. I think you first have to love it because shit’s gonna hit the fan a lot and when it does, you have to see it through and it takes persistence.

My goal, personally, is longevity and I’ll do whatever it takes to continue to be whatever I am. I don’t really see myself the way that others might. I work really, really hard and the team of people that I work with also works really, really hard. And there’s a lot of delusions about what it all is and what it means and I’m just a working-class musician. And I think if you love writing music, then do that! And work at it, practice at it. I think that’s just like anything else. You just have to want to do it and to try and get better. I think that’s really all you can do. TBS: So what’s next for you? SJ: Just supporting the new record, Don’t Disconnect. I’m going out with Astronautalis, a good friend of mine, starting next week. We start in Chicago and make our way up, and quite a bit of touring and coming back home and doing some more shows, but just supporting the new records. TBS: Well, thank you for taking the time to talk to me and I hope you feel better! SJ: It was a pleasure, I appreciate it! Check out Sarah Jaffe’s songs and tour dates on Twitter, Facebook, or her official site.

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SCARY SSSSNAKES CROSSWORD

Across: 1) Named after a common house pet, M’eow? 5) The Joakim Noah snake. 6) This snake is named after something smaller and squirmier; think bird food. 7) This one commands legions of loyal followers with its cool hood and venomous bite. 8) A bride-to-be may wear one of these bad boys on her leg. 9) Flex this big bad snake after you get pumped in the gym. 11) These snakes ain’t seein’ shit. 14) This rattler shares a symptom with many a stoner. 16) Kobe Bryant nicknamed himself after this snake. Down: 2) Ice Cube and Jon Voight once starred in a move featuring this fearsome Amazon constrictor. 3) This snake loves one of them southern boils with tiny lobster cousins. 4) Blue plus yellow and you have yourself this kind of snake.

5) A creatively-named snake with black stripes. 10) If this snake was a chess piece, it could move one space in any direction. 12) Pop on some feathers and wear one to the fanciest ball in town. 13) Kind of like slippers, but more NativeAmerican, we suppose. 15) This snake shares a name with something found in the Great Barrier Reef. 17) We’re guessing this snake doesn’t do a body good.

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