The Black Sheep
GRE
Vol. 2, Issue 5
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
EN FREE.. DYE . LI IN Y KE OUR BEE
R.
3/13/14 - 3/16/14
7 WAYS TO CALL OFF WORK
THE MORNING AFTER ST. PATTY’S DAY BETSY MARTIN WROTE THIS Getting slobbering drunk on our hallowed St. Patrick’s Day doesn’t take much effort. Little to no planning is required if intoxication is the goal. However, covering for your sorry ass the morning after will take some commitment. That bleak Grand Rapids Tuesday morning is going to come at you like a battering ram, and because you’re still under the delusion that you’re responsible, you thought taking that day off wouldn’t be necessary. Amateur. You’ll need 24 hours to recover from the year’s greatest drinking day, and here at The Black Sheep we’re happy to provide you with a guide to calling off from that sucky job at Campus Dining after a whole day and night of drunken revelry. Minimal amount of effort for maximum recovery time. We share because we care. Family emergency: A classic. Just plan your disaster ahead of time, with plenty of wiggle room and nonfatal scenarios; those get messy. Perfect example: Your little brother or sister just happened to break a pretty important bone in their body (or several, depending on your comfort level with anatomy). Their gymnastics event just happened to be in the next county and you should really be at the hospital, prostrate over their bedside, comforting the little tyke. Alluding to Harry Potter and Skele-Gro might come off as compassionless, so try to hold that in. Your boss will be touched by your commitment to family. You’re sick: But not a *cough cough*, phlegm-y sort of sick. You have cancer. A horrible skin rash. You’ve been quarantined by campus police, the Campus Health Center, and doctors have only given you one month to live. And instead of schlepping to Fresh to stand at an oil fryer all day or delivering pizzas to your 500lb neighbor that never goes to class, you’ve taken the bold step to book some skydiving lessons, go spelunking, and sleep with exotic women in your last 30 days of life. Really, this is a notice of resigna-
tion, so ask yourself if you’re prepared to be jobless and possibly homeless just for the chance of sleeping in. Sometimes it’s worth it. Car trouble: This might possibly be a two-call event, so gauge your hangover to see if you can commit. The potholes in Allendale are swallowing up cars and trucks. Children are disappearing down these black holes and reappearing, looking 30 years older with beards and long hair, Robin Williams Jumanji-style. Your boss will understand a flat tire. Explain you’ve already called AAA, or if you’re worried about your image, tell him you’re rolling up your sleeves as you speak to fix it yourself, shirtless, in a blizzard. This buys you half an hour. Set an alarm and call back regretfully, that you noticed your fuel tank is now damaged, or some other bald-faced lie that needs immediate attention. You can’t come in, you’re taking care of your baby. Your apartment/dorm is on fire, flooding, etc.: Like the family emergency, make sure you’re not implying irreparable damage. A toaster fire warrants a police report. Flooding will take hours if not days to take care of, especially if the main water line blew right beneath your hobbit hole in Kistler. You need to stay home after talking to the police and/or maintenance men because your cat is in shock. Literally, it was electrocuted by the toaster. Your pet has died: In a freak toaster incident, your saintly pet has left this beautiful world and is now in quadruped Heaven. You’re an emotional wreck. You can hardly choke out the bad news on the phone. There’s no way in hell you’ll be productive after suffering that kind of trauma. If your boss is a pet person, they’ll understand. If not, they won’t want to deal with a sobbing grown-ass man or woman and they’ll let you off the hook. Good luck in the preparations for Fluffy’s wake.
You’re dead: Again, high stakes. You’re severing all ties with this place by calling in and posing as your grieving mother or friend. “So and so’s in a better place, surrounded by angels, practicing his standup for Bernie Mac.” You’ve got to be lucid enough to sound like someone else, and that might be difficult considering the amount of green beer you’re likely to chug. Maybe have a script prepared. Watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off in preparation. Do you really need this day off? Change your voicemail, delete your Facebook, and try not to get excited at the amount of condolence tweets. Be upfront about it: You know why you’re calling off, he knows why you’re calling off. You owe it to them
to at least give a courtesy call. However, it’s ultimately up to you how much you reveal - how much you tell them about your current state: still drunk, dressed as Louie the Laker, stuck at the top of a Ferris wheel in an unknown city, or state, for that matter. God forbid you’re at Saginaw Valley. Did you leave the country? “I’m out of the country.” So much for honesty. This job is the reason you have money to blow on alcohol, so treat it with respect. If you don’t give a shit about earning minimum wage and having a few extra meals on the ‘ol meal plan, you have our permission to just sleep in and suffer the consequences, ‘cause you partied hard on St. Patty’s Day. The Irish would be proud.
PAGE 5 STUDENTS ARE SHOCKED AND ENRAGED BY SPRING WEATHER
PAGE 5 TOP 10: PEOPLE YOU SEE AT FRESH FOOD CO.
PAGES 12-13 ST. PATTY’S DAY ADVICE FOR THE GINGER MALE
WHAT IS THIS BLINDING BALL OF LIGHT COMING FROM THE SKY? IT’S SO BRIGHT!
THE COST-EFFECTIVE FREEDOM OF FRESH FOOD CO. MAKES PEOPLE A TAD STRANGE.
IT’S THE ONE DAY A YEAR YOU WHERE YOU GET TO THRIVE, SO DON’T MESS IT UP.
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An offer made to another party with ulterior motives clearly in mind. The theater majors ended up awkwardly studying xylem for several hours after Bert’s malproposition of, “learning biology together” was misunderstood by Karen.
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SPACE JAM 2 LEAKED SCREENPLAY BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS After Space Jam’s newly-announced sequel was hyped to monstarnomical proportions weeks ago, it didn’t take long for the internet to do what it does best, which is intrusively hacking the everloving shit out of laptops of Hollywood execs. Here’s what we found when The Black Sheep stole—er, “discovered” a leaked draft of the sequel’s script: Space Jam 2 INT. UNITED CENTER NIGHT Montage of the 2015 NBA All Star Game in Chicago. The crowd oohs and aahs as LEBRON JAMES steals a pass and sprints down the court, throwing down his signature wide-outstretched one-handed dunk. The buzzer sounds for the end of the game. ADAM SILVER, the new NBA commissioner, comes out to center court with a microphone. ADAM SILVER Despite the tremendous
financial success of the league, we’re about to embark on a new format that will make boatloads of money. The doors to the locker room slam shut just before the players have left the court. ADAM SILVER As you can see in this fineprint clause in the recent collective bargaining agreement, “The best players in the world will stay in the United Center from now until forever, playing basketball to a sold-out crowd 24/7.” Silver transforms right before their eyes into MR. SWACKHAMMER, the cigar-smoking villain from Space Jam. SWACKHAMER uses his mystical powers to turn the players into dead-eyed basketball zombies who cannot stop playing. INT. SUBURBAN CHICAGO - DAY DERRICK ROSE groggily
sits up in bed and pushes the covers off to look at his knees, running his fingers across multiple scars. He tries to bend his legs, winces in pain and lays back down. The phone rings and he answers. VOICE D, it’s time to come back. The league needs you. ROSE I can’t. I’m finished. VOICE I know your third knee injury was bad enough to send you into retirement, but you’re the only one left who might have a chance to beat them. The voice explains the predicament with the All-Stars stuck in Chicago, and that Rose needs to assemble a team to beat them, setting the players free from SWACKHAMER’s contract. ROSE If I’m gonna have any
chance, I’ll need your help. VOICE Those days are over. I can’t help you ... but I know who can. The man hangs up the phone, and we see 6 NBA Championship rings on his fingers. BUGS BUNNY, DAFFY DUCK, LOLA, ELMER FUDD, and the whole gang of Looney Tunes show up at ROSE’s front door. He opens the door and they flood in, cracking jokes about how weird the real world is. In his kitchen, BUGS finds a bag of baby carrots in the fridge and falls in love. PEPE LE PEW grabs a bag of sliced bread. They all get to practicing on ROSE’s backyard court, and things look grim. ROSE can barely run and none of the Tunes are any good at basketball. DAFFY comes across ESPN The Magazine and discovers the world of sabermetrics. By applying the tenets of advanced statistics like True
Shooting Percentage, Player Efficiency Rating, and Percentage of Field Goals Assisted, the team quickly improves into an impressive group that plays smart, unselfish basketball. They head to the United Center and challenge SWACKHAMMER’s All-Stars to a game. INT. UNITED CENTER NIGHT In the first five minutes of the game, The Tune Squad is keeping it close, until zombie JOAKIM NOAH commits a flagrant foul on ROSE, badly hurting his knee. The team starts to give up a huge lead. BUGS calls a timeout.
bend the normal rules of reality to heal his knee instantly. Meanwhile, the Tunes have fallen behind by a huge margin at halftime.
BRIAN SCALABRINE I GOT THIS.
With his newly healed knee, ROSE leads a tremendous comeback. In the final seconds, the Tune Squad is down by two. ROSE dribbles down the court, getting through a double team with an insane crossover-spinmove combo. He drives to the hoop and takes off from the free throw line. The zombie All-Stars collapse on ROSE, trying to block his dunk. At the last moment, ROSE dishes the ball to the corner, where BUGS catches it and gains the game winning three at the buzzer.
BUGS takes ROSE to Looney Tune Land, where they can
The Tunes celebrate, and the zombie All-Stars regain control
BUGS BUNNY I have a plan, but I need someone to lead the team until halftime. Enter BRIAN SCALABRINE.
of their bodies, joining in on the celebration. SWACKHAMMER So what, now that you’ve beaten the best players, you ARE the best players! Now I have you! You have to play here forever! He starts to put his spell on ROSE and the Tunes, but just then, the Monstars come onto the court and counteract his powers, turning SWACKHAMMER into a zombie who is forced to walk around selling popcorn in the stadium forever. Watching the game from the upper deck, the man with 6 rings smiles as he takes a sip of his drink from a water bottle labeled “secret stuff.”
CURRENT EVENTS
THE
TOP
TEN
PEOPLE YOU SEE AT FRESH FOOD CO. JULIE NICHOLS WROTE THIS
In many ways Fresh Food Co. is a typical dining hall. Except you can stuff your face as much as you want for the same price of a regular meal. Apparently this type of cost-effective freedom is too much for some students, causing them to be a tad strange. 10.) The group of athletic boys: Usually, one can see two or three groups of guys in work-out clothes clustered in groups of five to eight. Some of them just came from basketball practice or something. For the most part, they’re harmless if you don’t mind over hearing the words “YOLO” and “swag” being said un-ironically. 9.) The girl trying to take ten bananas: While most of the food at Fresh doesn’t actually seem fresh, somehow the bananas are perfectly ripe. To some degree, it’s easy to understand why people try to sneak some ‘nanners out of Fresh. On the other hand, you look like you are bananas.
GRAND VALLEY STUDENTS ARE
SHOCKED AND ENRAGED BY SPRING WEATHER CLAIRE FISHER WROTE THIS As spring evaporates snow from our blanketed campus, the once the frigid air warms into a temperature human skin can withstand. The rays of sunshine beam onto our school, shining for the first time on the new glass of the Zumberge Library. It may seem that warmth and happiness will finally reach the hearts of Grand Valley students, however reality paints a much darker picture. At a typical campus, this sort of weather would be cause for shorts and t-shirts, deep breaths of fresh spring air, and a game of Frisbee in the Arboretum, but students here have become accustomed to their lives in frozen tundra. After months in the cold and dank world that is an Allendale winter, students here at Grand Valley are shocked and appalled by the arrival of sunny weather. There are many reports on campus of students refusing to go to class. The Black Sheep interviewed Sarah Michaels, a sophomore who has locked herself inside her Murray dorm room because of the weather. “I tried to go outside,” she explains, “but the sun’s brightness was cruel, I felt like it was literally beating down on me, smacking me in the face with its sunbeams of awfulness.” Sarah pulls her shades closed and duct tapes them to wall, assuring that no light could come through. “The air,” Sarah continues “it wasn’t thin and it was...it was kind of warm. It was like the air was forcing me to take off my third layer of clothes. It had to be a trick right? That was when I decided I couldn’t go to class, I had to stay indoors for my own safety.” Many Grand Valley students feel similarly, The Black Sheep stopped by Padnos where students have barricaded themselves into classrooms refusing to expose their skin to the warm spring air. These students of science have decided that for the sake of their pale, delicate skin and their
muscles -- atrophied over the winter season -- they won’t be leaving the building. From the safety of their dorms, students have taken to protesting the warm temperatures using the internet. Facebook and Twitter are covered with complaints that the weather is trying to force them to go outside and exercise, abandoning the sedentary lifestyle they’ve devoted themselves to during the winter months. In response to this uproar, a special interest group was formed on campus called Students for the Perpetuation of Winter, otherwise known as SPOW. SPOW has recently gained some attention with its proposal to continue the winter season at Grand Valley. Using a combination of large tarps and cutting-edge refrigeration techniques, the group hopes to maintain the frozen air students have been missing. This artificial winter would allow Grand Valley students to protect their pale skin and shriveled lungs as they trudge from dorm to class swaddled in layers of clothing. Critics of SPOW claim that this plan is a costly and unnecessary measure, claiming that students will simply get used to the sun light, warm air, and feelings of hope. At The Black Sheep we recognize that the plan for winter perpetuation would be costly, but believe that it is the job of the university to supply students with the tools necessary to live a comfortable lifestyle and to succeed academically. And in turn we ask you to ask yourselves, is forcing your fellow students out into the warm air and sun bathed campus, giving up their hermit-like, lazy, indoor lifestyles, worth saving a few million dollars here or there?
8.) The girl freaking out over her friend taking bananas: When the previous is occurring, there’s always a friend who looks like she’s going to have a panic attack. She’s making shushing noises and telling her friend to hurry up. If anything, she makes the situation way more noticeable than it was. It’s clear she wasn’t the girl sneaking out of the house in high school. 7.) The student worker who clearly hates his/her job: a.k.a every worker in Fresh ever. 6.) That person who wants to eat ice cream: There are two ice cream machines in Fresh, however, they always seem to be “broken.” Regardless, this person is devastated to find out they can’t have frozen ice-milk in winter. “There’s never a bad time to eat the best food on the planet,” they say. True, which is why Fresh serves pizza all day long. 5.) The weirdo who stays at Fresh all day: It’s not natural to stay at Fresh for more than three hours. Unless, of course, you’re afraid to go back to your dorm because your roommate has their significant other over. If this is the case, go home anyway, but make sure to bring so food with you. It’s like popcorn during a movie. 4.) That person carrying way too many dishes: We’ve all seen that guy/girl carrying ten or so dishes to the washer. These people are composed of three-parts lazy and two-parts unmanaged ego. “Taking two trips are for the weak,” they say. Yeah, tell that to the worker cleaning up your spilled dishes when you trip over your own feet. 3.) The newbie wandering aimlessly around: Your first few times a Fresh can be kinda scary. There’s so much food that you can spend the first ten minutes weighing your eating options. No one wants to eat the first thing they see (hotdog) when something better could be on the other side (bacon and pancakes). The Fresh veterans would tell you that you should just eat the hotdog anyway. As Confucius said, “Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” 2.) That kid that only gets a salad: We get it – you want to eat healthy. However, we don’t give two shits about eating healthy, given that we just ate a hotdog. Just know that when you go off on rants about how nutritious pine nuts are, we’re plugging up our ears going “la, la, la, la.” In fact, if you take out the “la” in salad, you get sad. So sit there in silence and be that. 1.) That friend who always wants to go to Fresh: Everyone has that one friend who for whatever reason thinks Fresh is actually good. Not just tolerable buffet food, actually good. Word to the wise: just go with it and let them live in their fantasy world. The Earth needs people this innocent and naïve.
05
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE LITTLEKNOWN TURN OF PHRASE, AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Chase
‘“What’s Gucci?’ means ‘What’s good?’”
Scott
“‘It’s gravy,’ means, ‘It’s good’. Got that from high school.”
Alex
“‘Dolphinitely,’ means ‘definitely’, it’s from The Kroll Show.”
FOLLOW US ON TWITTER @THEBLACKSHEEP99
FIRST TRANS CEREAL BOX MASCOT GIVES SPEECH AT COPELAND BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS Copeland’s Unit One Program is renowned for bringing artists, performers, writers and other culture makers who you’ve “probably never heard of” to campus. During their stay, these Guests-in-Residence provide a series of educational programs for dorm-dwellers, keeping them up to date on the music, art and writing that no one else will ever hear about. This week, Copeland is excited to announce that their guest is none other than the beloved children’s cereal mascot formerly known as Captain Crunch.
in gender and women’s studies and resident at Copeland. “It was incredibly brave of her to come forward, and I think that Grand Valley should exclusively offer Captain—sorry—Madam Munch cereals at all of their dining facilities in order to show support.”
stayed true to herself.
When Garrett was asked if she had been involved in the recent protests on campus against the school board’s decision to cut funding for trans-student healthcare, she gave no comment.
This weekend’s visit marks the very first public appearance since the mascot has come out as transgender. Earlier this week, in a historic moment for LGBT rights and visibility that had soccer mom activists across the country racing to their local Walmart to show support, the mascot came out officially as a trans-woman, who has since officially changed her name to Madam Munch.
"THE UNIVERSITY SHOULD EXCLUSIVELY OFFER CAPTAIN—SORRY—MADAM MUNCH CEREALS AT ALL OF THEIR DINING FACILITIES IN ORDER TO SHOW SUPPORT.”
Munch is especially thankful for the individuals who have turned her private life into a marketing campaign. “Everyone close to me has known and supported me for years, but the corporate boys upstairs have been pressuring me for a while now to come out,” Munch said. “Every time another ‘First Openly Gay Basketball Player’ story—you know, ‘First Gay CEO’ or ‘First Lesbian Bus Driver’—would come off the presses, they’d come to me and say, ‘Munch, if you wait too long, and Tony the Tiger or one of those goddamn CrackSnapple-Pop circle-jerkers beats you to it, you won’t be able to capitalize on it.’ So I thought now was a good a time as ever.”
“I’ve always been an ally to the transcommunity, and I stand with Madam Munch,” said Alina Garrett, a sophomore
Campus reaction to the news has mostly been positive, and Munch’s three events scheduled for this weekend have already sold out. Amongst the campus’ growing excitement, the cartoon mascot has
“Well, to be honest with you, this is who I’ve always been,” said Munch, “and it’s more than liberating to finally be out in the open with it. I’m thankful for their support.”
Quaker Oats, the company behind the household brand, has embraced Munch’s decision to go public. According to a
spokesperson for the company, they’re excited to be on board with this exciting economic opportunity, citing growing LGBT support in younger shoppers as a primary incentive to go public with Munch’s gender identity. “Old transphobic Republicans,” according to one source, “don’t eat Peanut Butter Crunch, anyway.” That demographic’s cereal choice was traditionally Cheerios, but ever since they aired a not-even-alittle-bit-we-don’t-know-how-the-fuckanybody-could-seriously-think-this-iscontroversial controversial commercial
featuring an interracial couple, studies suggest that old, racist white people have been sticking with Raisin Bran. Madam Munch’s three events this weekend, while sold out, are rumored to expand audience numbers through ticket raffles and generous donations to the Quaker Oats Corporation. The schedule for the weekend is as follows: Accepting Your Body: Getting to Know Your SquareShaped Corn/Oat Puffs, What about the Bride of Franken-berry? The Misogyny in Halloween Cereals, and Quaker Oats General Stockholders Conference.
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The Bar Grid All Week Long! 50 Cent Wings During Any Michigan Team’s Game 4-9 Happy Hour
WEDNESDAY Flip Night: 3pm-10pm We will flip a coin for your tab! Beer and food both included! Heads you pay, tails we pay. (see in store for details)
$5 Burritos or 50 Cent Wings
$5 Pitchers (3pm-10pm)
$10 Carafes
Karaoke 9:30-close
Buy Any 2 Pitchers and get a FREE One Topping 18” Pizza (2pm-6pm)
Saturday
$3.99 Spiked Bull
All Week Long! 50 Cent Wings During Any Michigan Team’s Game 4-9 Happy Hour
Buy Any 2 Pitchers and get a FREE One Topping 18” Pizza (2pm-6pm)
Sunday
$3.50 Bloody Mary
Pool Tournaments
$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)
Monday
$5.99 Burger & Draft Combo
$6 Burger & Brew
$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)
35 Cent Wings, College Night
$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)
All Pizzas $10
Flip Night: 3pm-10pm We will flip a coin for your tab! Beer and food both included! Heads you pay, tails we pay. (see in store for details)
SPECIAL NIGHT Thursday Friday
Tuesday Wednesday
Come Check Out Our $5 Lunch Menu!
55 Cent Wings Thursdays! $1 Off Martinis 4pm-close
55 Cent Wings Tuesdays! $1 Off Craft Drafts 4pm-close
$2.25 Glass House Wine & $10 Bottle House Wine
UNDER NEW ! T N E M E G A N A M
DAILY HAPPY HOUR! 4pm TO 6:30pm WITH 20% OFF HOOKAHS
The Bar Grid WEDNESDAYS! 1/2 off all drinks
St. Patty’s Day: $2 Green Beer, $2 Dirty Girl Scout Shots, $5 Irish Car Bombs and $5 Jager Bombs. Milk and Cookies Spinning Live and Free Breakfast, starting at 7am
$1.50 Rolling Rock and Brooklyn Lager Cans, $2 PBR and Miller Highlife Cans, $3 Boddington and Strongbow Cans $5 Vodka Redbulls, $3 Wells, and Sex on the Beach
Happy Hour: Monday-Friday $2.75 20oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Well Drinks
WEDNESDAY: TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm $4 Jager Bombs, $3 Tall Labatt Drafts
SPECIAL NIGHT
$4 Long Islands, $3 Domestics, $5 Vodka RedBulls, $6 Sandwich+Beer Special
9pm-Midnight: $2-$3-$2 U-Call-Its $3.99 Boneless Chicken Dinger Platters
$4 Long Islands, $4 Three Olive Bombs, $3 Heineken Bottles
Thursday
3 Floor Friday! Upstairs: $5 Corona and Tequila Shot | Main: $5 Highlight and Whiskey Shot Basement: $5 PBR and Jager Shot
Happy Hour ‘til 8pm, DJ Danimal @ 10pm
9pm-Midnight: $3 Captain Morgan cocktails $3 Pinnacle Flavored Vodka Cocktails
$4 Margaritas $7 Labatt Pitchers
Friday
Any 2 menu items and a bottle of wine or pitcher of beer for $30
Happy Hour ‘til 8pm, Nightly Shot Special
Noon-6pm: $2 Domestic Pints 9pm-Midnight: $3 Long Islands and $5 Bulldozers
$3 Wells, $3.50 Tall Bud Light Drafts
Saturday
Come Check us Out on Wednesday’s for 1/2 off drinks!
Half-off Happy Hour ‘til 8pm, DJ Laudie @ 7pm, $6 Sandwich+Beer Special
Brunch Buffet: 8am-2pm $2.00 Well Drinks All Day
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Sunday
$1.50 Rolling Rock, PBR, Miller Highlife After 9pm: $2 Select Shots $5 Vodka Redbulls
St. Patty’s Day: $2 Green Beer, $2 Dirty Girl Scout Shots, $5 Irish Car Bombs and $5 Jager Bombs. Milk and Cookies Spinning Live and Free Breakfast, starting at 7am
$2.99 Margaritas All Day! $3.99 Peach/Raspberry/Mango and Banana Margaritas All Day $3.99 Taco Basket
$4 Tall Craft Brews $1 Off All Burgers
Monday
$5 Patron Shots $2.50 Corona/Corona lt. bottles After 9pm: $3 Wells, $2 Domestic Bottles, $1.50 Select Shots
$2 U-Call-Its 9 to Midnight with DJ MattB
9pm-Midnight: $3 U-Call-Its & $3.99 1/2 Burgers Karaoke with Deb from 9pm-1am
$2 Wells, $3 Tall Bud Light
Tuesday
$1.50 High Life, $3 Fireball, $5 Jager Bombs
9pm-Midnight: $4 Martinis $4.99 Pitchers of PBR $3.99 Select Appetizers
TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm $4 Jager Bombs $3 Tall Labatt Drafts
Wednesday
1/2 off all drinks
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the month of march
Green Beer Leprechaun Rainbows Shamrock Shake Celtic Clovers Irish Saint Patrick Kiss Me Spring Break Sunshine Margaritas Mardi Gras Spring Sunburns Aloe Vera Wet T-Shirt Contest Beach Novelty Tees Midterms
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Relationship Status: Single… two cats Major: Social work, minor in international relations
BARTENDER
Favorite Drink: Jameson and ginger ale Favorite Shot: Jameson with a pickle back Disgusting Drink: Dirty Mexican (Tequila with mayonnaise), so if you want to make someone puke on their 21stbirthday, order them this.
ROCKSTAR
What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever seen someone do for a free drink?: Someone put their legs up on the wall, then twerked to get a shot. Her ass cheeks were jiggling, man…
OF THE WEEK
Amelia Sue Ackley of J. Gardellas
What beer or liquor has changed most in popularity during your time working here?: Fireball, suddenly the rage.
Everyone wants it. Physically, what animal do you most resemble?: I act like my cats, so um yeah, I guess a cat. Is alcohol a drug, why or why not?: Yes, personally I think it’s more destructive than marijuana, but when used in moderation… can make for a fab-tabulous time with friends. If you had to brush your teeth with a bathroom staple besides toothpaste, what would it be?: Baking soda, shampoo next I guess for a bathroom staple. It smells good. If you were a Greek god of something, you’d be the Greek god of…: Goddess of spontaneity, being spontaneous. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s hilarious.
RECIPE for DISASTER
DRINKING GAME Chickens
Guinness Cupcakes
Sitting around at a bar is always a good time, but sometimes talking about last night’s hookup over and over gets … lame. Here’s a quick and easy game you can play at a booth in the bar that doesn’t require much skill or many supplies.
St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner, and everything’s coming up green. This year, combine everyone’s favorite beer into your favorite after-dinner snack. That’s right, baby: Guinness cupcakes.
What You’ll Need: At least 2 quarters and drinks! Number of Players: 2 teams of 3 or 4 people each. Level of Intoxication: A good lil’ buzz.
What You’ll Need: 3 and 1/2 sticks salted butter, 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, 1 cup Guinness Extra Stout beer, 4 teaspoons vanilla extract, 1 and 1/3 cups granulated sugar, 1 and 1/14 cups flour, 3/4 teaspoon baking soda, 2 large eggs, 3-4 cups powdered sugar, 3-4 tablespoons Irish coffee creamer, 1/3 cup sprinkles and cupcake tin liners. Cook Time: About an hour. Fatty Factor: The alcohol cancels it all out.
How to Play: - Split up into teams and sit together on opposite sides of the table. - One team puts all of their hands under the table and discreetly passes around a quarter between them. The other team sits there and watches (no, it’s not weird). - When the team without the quarter feels ready, they yell, “Up chickens!” The team with the quarter must stop passing the coin and put their elbows up on the table, making fists. - The team without the quarter then yells, “Down chickens!” The players must slam their hands down on the table. The goal is for the person with the quarter to slam their hands down without having the coin make a clanging sound on the table. - The other team now has to try to guess which hand is holding the quarter. If there are only 3 players per team, they get 2 guesses. If there are 4 players, they get 3 guesses. The guess has to be a unanimous decision among the team, so we suggest having a spokesperson. - If the team finds the quarter, the passing team drinks; if they don’t find the quarter, the guessing team has to drink. Then it’s the other team’s turn! - Don’t cheat. Don’t hide the quarter under your leg, slide it off the table, etc. You can try to psych out the other team by faking out passes, “strategizing,” whatever. The Game Ends When: Your hands are bruised and you need more brew.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Get our your sticks of butter and leave them on the counter to soften up. - Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and a line a cupcake tin with liners. - In a saucepan, melt 1 and 1/2 sticks of butter and add in the Guinness, 2 teaspoons vanilla extract and the cocoa. After melted and mixed, remove from heat. - In a bowl, mix together granulated sugar, flour and baking soda. Then pour in the cooled - Guinness/butter mixture and the eggs one at a time. Keep mixing until they’re just combined. - Divide the batter in the cupcake tin and bake for 22-24 minutes. - To make the frosting, beat the remaining butter with an electric mixer until smooth. - Add powdered sugar, coffee creamer and remaining vanilla extract, and beat until medium thickness. Add more powdered sugar if you need to. - Frost the cooled cupcakes and shake on some sprinkles! We don’t advise trying to shove these down a beer bong.
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St. pAtty’s Day advice For the ginger male NIC KANAAR WROTE THIS For one night of the year, redheaded men aren’t the butt of every joke, or on the bottom of every woman’s “would never bang” list. It’s a day where the entire town’s main priority is to get irrevocably smashed, and your red mane could be at the center of it all. It’s a night to remember, and after ten hours of drinking, hopefully you will. Follow the tips on the next page and you’ll celebrate Saint Patrick like he would have wanted: red hot and on fire. Have a drink on us, you “Irish” bastards.
There’s one
glorious day of the year...
...when green beer and social intoxication runs rampant throughout bars across the nation: St. Patty’s Day. Not only does this day promote mind-altering, bone-crushing, party animal behavior, but it also recognizes a group of people not normally celebrated for, well, anything. We’re talking to you, male gingers of America. You deserve a break from the torments brought onto you by your tan, freckle-less, dark-haired peers, yes, you dserve a day when everyone embraces your “uniqueness.” Redheaded women have escaped the teasing that has escalated over the past ten years thanks to the likes of Isla Fisher, Kate Mara, and Jessica Rabbit, but that doesn’t mean a Ginger man can’t rule one very drunk day of the year. This redheaded writer from The Black Sheep has the tips to ensure the ginger gentleman’s St. Patty’s Day includes one hell of a night.
Go Red AND Green: Obviously you’re gonna want to wear a shit-ton of green, but be smart about it. Instead of instinctually covering up your fiery hair with some kind of hat, let your fire burn for the world to see. Everyone who notices you and your hair on St. Patty’s Day is going to assume you’re Irish, and this is the one day you don’t have to deny your potato-humping heritage. Even if you aren’t a man of Celtic persuasion, by exposing your red hair you’ll have more free beer flying at your face then you’ll know what to do with. You’ll be a St. Patty’s Day guest of honor and drunk people will want to pay you a drunken tribute. Keep that funny hat off and play the Irish role people want you to play. Becoming a novelty happens at a price, and in this case, that price is copious amounts of free booze. If you’re really committed, which you should be, put on an Irish accent to compliment your green appearance. People enjoy authenticity, so fake that shit. Girls can be suckers for a man with an accent, and what better time to try it out than on a night where people are hammered by noon? With the right amount of practice, any redhead could sound like the foreign strange every girl dreams of. Besides, you could get away with saying anything as long as you emphasize the accent. Instead of getting slapped for saying “top o’ the morning to ya, would you like to sit on my face?” they’ll assume your “Irish” ass is charming.
Don’t Forget Your Lucky Charms: If you’re going to go overboard with the outfit and go full leprechaun, that’s fine too. The Black Sheep suggests you carry a small loot of fake gold coins in your pocket with your phone number etched on each one. Think about it: you walk up the bar wearing green overalls and stand next to some six-foot-tall brunette babe. Order your beer and immediately buy her a drink as well. Before she has time to thank you, flick her one of the gold coins, give her a wink and walk away with as much swagger that your green clogs will allow you. That woman will be balancing your “lucky charms” on her green stained tongue before the nights over. Speaking of props, this next trick should be done well into the drunken night. We call this one the “Green Jesus,” and it’s easy to execute. Beforehand, head to your local supermarket and purchase a small container of green food coloring. This is what most cheap bars use to give the beer that disturbing yet flavorless greet tint. Target a woman sipping on clear liquor and gather up her female friends to form a crowd. Run your fingers through your red locks and tell them all you are an “Irish Wizard.” Palm the small vile of green dye and hover your hand over her drink allowing a few drops to plummet down into the glass. Quickly pocket the dye, and give the glass a quick shake as you dazzle the crowd with some spirit fingers. As the clear rum suddenly turns green, give the female crowd a slight bow and let the bartender know he’s going to need a mop.
Your Dropkick Murphys: Another important thing to keep in mind as you head out to the festivities is the crew you bring. Like normal, keep your “Ice Man” and “Goose” close to your side as they benefit and help aid your ginger stardom, but not if they too are of the redhead persuasion. Having more than one bush fire in a group of male friends is a problem in itself, but especially during St. Patty’s Day. Multiple copper heads packed into a crowded bar brings down the rarity, thusly taking away your spotlight as you attempt to do a “jig” on a pool table in hopes of applause. No redhead has ever achieved fame by partnering up with another redhead. And no, Lindsay Lohan in the Parent Trap does not count. Make your crew of “tanners” celebrate you as well. When people see you enter a party or a bar on top of your friend’s shoulders they’ll know you’re a big deal. Have them all learn some Irish folk songs and even some Irish toasts, you’ll demand attention when your entire crew sings with green beers raised in the air. Once people see how cool having a ginger around on St. Patty’s day is, they’ll be begging to join your gang. Hang a sign off of your tallest friend that reads “no fatties” and let the selection begin. Gather up the town’s hotties and you’re crew will be the center of attention, with your shamrock ass leading the pack.
Get Her Down on your Dublin: The after party is the time to put the icing on the carrot cake. If your newly-acquainted female companion is still hesitant about sleeping with a soulless pale-face, then we have one grand finale to seal the deal. Carefully paint the seven colors of the rainbow on your pink penis for some obvious Irish fun. By decorating your crank, you’re not only showing the girl what’s at the end of the rainbow, but you’re also saying “Hey, I like to have fun.” What kind of paint do you use? We have no idea. The Black Sheep was a little apprehensive about researching penis paints, so we’ll leave that up to you, just get back to us. If the woman is repulsed by your creativeness, then pack in your four-and-a-half inch rainbow, turn off The Wizard of Oz soundtrack you put on for emphasis, and move on to the next potato groupie.
LET’S PLAY ST. PATTY’S DAY BINGO
NUDITY
GREEN BEER
SOMEONE CRYING
SOMEONE ASLEEP
STRIPED SOCKS
A COP
GREEN EGGS OR HAM
A FIGHT
DROPKICK MURPHYS SHIRT
THIS SIGN
PUKE
A DRINKING TICKET
A PADDY WAGON DRUNK OLD MAN
A BEER BONG
GREENMAN
LEPRECHAUN HAT
A WIPEOUT
A MAKEOUT
OUTDOOR PEEING
A BAGS GAME
A DRUNK ASIAN
MARIJUANA PARAPHERNALIA
INDOOR SUNGLASSES
famous jo(h)n’s
the crossword ACROSS: 2) Jon Bon Jovi’s real last name. 4) This John was a 1930’s bank robber, and also has a band with his name in the title. 5) A John might refer to someone who is the leader of a group of what? 8) HIs real name is Philip Clapp, the original Jackass. 9) John Cena’s primary occupation is in what? 11) Uncle Jesse, two words. 14) John Madden was the coach of this town’s team when they won the Super Bowl in 1976. 17) The “F” in John F. Kennedy.
dad in which sitcom. 8) John Mayer is currently dating this pop star, two words. 10) The prominent medical university, Johns what? 12) “Sittin on the John” might refer to sitting on a what? 13) Johnny Cash often sang at this prison. 13) The famous Beatle who sang “Imagine.” 16) We might know this John best as Danny Zuko.
DOWN: 1) The second president of the United States, two words. 3) This John ran against Barack Obama in 2008. 6) Johnny Depp won the Golden Globe for Best Actor in 2008 for which movie, two words? 7) John Goodman is best known for his role as the
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