Grand Valley - Issue 5 - 10/23/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 3

The Black Sheep

F corn ree! Li at y ke dr our iedGra out ndm can a’s h dy ous e.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 5

AU SABLE GHOST

ACTUALLY HOMELESS GV ALUMNI Shardae Rudel wrote this Since its opening at the beginning of the semester, Au Sable’s new wing has been prone to many inexplicable incidents. Students and professors alike have reported strange sounds such as loud footsteps and moaning coming from the building’s second floor ceiling. Rumors of an Au Sable ghost reached the ears of GVPD, who set forth to investigate the scene. Far from finding Casper, officers discovered something much spookier, or rather, someone.

Zena, who has a bachelor of arts in philosophy from GV, has seemingly been a vagabond for some time. Upon his incarceration, he was sporting a beard and three layers of plaid button-ups. GVPD stated the attic had been transformed into a zombie apocalypse survival den. After close inspection, it was found to have months-worth of canned goods, a bundle of blankets, an old radio, a stack of Danielle Steel novels, and help wanted ads from local newspapers.

“It scared the shit out of me,” GVPD officer Brent Jackoski stated, “I thought it was a joke call – looking for a ghost in an attic. But as soon as I got up there and started looking around, some guy jumped out from behind a pile of crates and started screaming at me.”

After extensive questioning, Zena confessed that he had been living in the attic of Au Sable right after its construction was completed. He was evicted from his apartment soon after his job termination and was in desperate need of a place to live. None of his friends offered their couches and his parents recently moved out of the state, leaving him with only one option.

“Some guy” turned out to be 25-year-old Frank Zena, a GV alumnus who graduated in 2012. Following GVPD’s brief investigation, Zena was brought into custody where he was later questioned. According to police records that we stole from the station, Zena got a job as an assistant manager at a local Burger King restaurant following his graduation in 2012, but was discharged around the same time as the announcement of the new Au Sable wing. “I was saving up for grad school,” Zena said, “but apparently, customers don’t like it when someone questions the actual existence of their Whoppers, so I got fired. I was just trying to use my philosophy degree for good.”

“As soon as I heard they were revamping that dank old joint, I thought ‘man, that would be a rad place to live.’ You know, until I could find another job,” he revealed to us. The temporary home soon turned into a more permanent residence when Zena discovered the “beauty of on-campus living.” He stated, “I found myself enjoying the quiet nights and rent-free digs. It was easy to extend my stay to a few weeks… and then some.” A month into his stay, reports began to surface of disturbing noises coming from Au Sable’s ceiling. The sounds mimicked a

PAGE 5 CONFESSIONAL: MY ROOMMATE’S A VAMPIRE ALL THAT EXTRA GARLIC YOU BOUGHT WILL COME IN HANDY.

Ghost Hunter’s wet dream: shaking ceiling tiles, loud footsteps, and moaning. Junior Jane Lagg said the noises sometimes escalated to a point where she feared for her life. “I was in the middle of my journalism class,” Lagg recalled. “The ceiling started

shaking. It got so bad I thought it was going to collapse right on top of me.” “I was doing Zumba,” Zena confessed. “I couldn’t walk outside much… but I was planning to go on another food run during No Shave November so I could blend in.”

Zena’s Zumba escapades and random bouts of philosophical pacing, were what led to his demise. Far from being a ghost in the attic, Zena is still being held by GVPD officers until further actions can be taken.

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HALLOWEEN HORROR-SCOPES

MOVIES MONSTERS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

WE SAW YOUR FUTURE, AND IT LOOKS PRETTY CREEPY.

WE OFFER SOME CLOSURE TO THOSE THAT’VE SUFFERED FROM THESE SCARY MONSTERS.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Claire Fisher

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Meghan Dooley

EDITORIAL MANAGER Rachel McLaughlin

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Maya Campbell, Brooks O’Brien

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Julie Nichols, Mike Lamberti Shardae Rudel, Jeff Perry Teresa Williams, Abigail Dewstow Alison Tazelaar

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Logan Bailey

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

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A FEW MORE WAYS

PAGE 3

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

THE BIG EARED MIDGET

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“WHAT HAPPENED TO MY POPSICLE?”

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK TRANSPOORTATION Any method of getting from point A to point B that requires the participant to do more than walk to his or her car. Recoiling in horror when his car didn’t start, Monty realized he’d have to take some sort of transpoortation to get to class.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

An ambassador for the Starlight Children’s Foundation.

Made acting debut as Young Deb in Drop Dead Diva.

Has appeared in music videos by Sia, Alexx Calise and Todrick Hall.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @THEBLACKSHEEPGV

GVSU Tenure Terms Set New Standard for Phoning It In

Things were much different before the change. Our source, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Black Sheep, “In the art department, we literally just throw darts at a spinning wheel with all of our names on it. The whole logic is ‘how do you even grade art?’ The answer is: of course, you can’t. That’s the secret.”

Mike Lamberti wrote this

GVSU has adopted a new method of paying for parking. Download the new phone app and pay for parking. Download it. Do it now. Now you’re part of it.

Mike Lamberti Wrote This

Tenure is a goal for many professors. It represents years of commitment, diligence, and most of all, finally being able to stop giving a shit. Before GVSU’s recent change to their tenure requirements, professors were able to receive tenure from their college within the university. Now, professors must prove to a university-wide board of academics their ability to do as little as possible, yet still count as an educator.

FEED THE METERS FOR THEY ARE OUR FRIENDS Keep paying for parking. The parking meters are no longer just apparatuses to measure space ownership. Find the parking meter that speaks to you. Put your ear up to the meter and listen. Listen harder. It is your friend. Feed it. Bring it your quarters. Insert them one by one, lovingly. Then your dimes. Then your nickels. Continue in decreasing value. Knit a scarf for your new parking meter friend to keep them warm in the harsh winter. Bring your favorite children’s stories and read them to the meter. Increase in reading difficulty level with each passing year to give your meter an education. Teach the meter about life, death, love, and heartbreak. Have a whirlwind love affair with the meter. Leave your spouse and children for the meter and betroth yourself to it through a nondenominational ceremony.

Professor Kaylee Short said, “In the school of communications, we have tenured professors who, for two entire class periods, will just show a documentary on Netflix. Professors are doing as little to educate as possible while classes still cost $500 per credit hour.” Although the university imposed these new requirements in an attempt to raise

the bar among its professors, it may produce the opposite result in the department most concerned with spreading knowledge. Our final source, Professor Kevin Martz, told The Black Sheep, “This is clearly an act of aggression towards us here in the department of education. Tenure is supposed to be a benefit of being a professor or teacher, just like summer vacation.”

The Ghosts of GVSU Past

Still Haunting Campus Jeff Perry wrote this

Use the phone app to find other people who are paying for parking at your meter. Attack them. They are trying to poison your meter. Bring a gas-powered circular saw and cut down the other meters. Feed your meter with the change from your enemies’ meters. Dance around your meter in celebration of your kill, bathing in bloodlust for small change. Convert others to follow your parking meter into a new world order. Know that you have successfully assimilated into the new parking meter payment method. Never stop paying for parking.

Halloween has always been a time when stories about ghouls, ghosts, and scary events rise to our consciousness. This Halloween however, the spookiness may hit a little too close to home. Worry is, statues among the university are going to come to life this Halloween night to terrorize those who roam the campus. This Halloween, the L. William “Bill” Seidman and the Arend D. Lubbers statues have planned to do just that. The information came from The Black Sheep’s psychic Laurana Providence, whom was hired this year to play fortune teller at the annual Halloween mixer. Providence explained that “a great terror is upon us,” and that “the terror is almost unspeakable.” After giving her another $20 bill she foretold that these two reanimated statues, old white men, and obviously friends, plan to hide behind corners and yell “Boo!” to passersby. These inanimate objects will then laugh in the to-be shocked faces, with a high probability of pointing as well. Along with this mild prank, Providence also explained the statues plan to hide several whoopee cushions around campus, causing everyone to sound like they farted upon sitting. Not only will these old-time pranks be around, but the two plan to snag a pair of Amigo scooters to ride around campus, swinging their canes and tripping students too busy looking at their phones to look up. Lubbers and Seidman may also race around campus on separate carts reliving the “Little Rascals phase” they had as children. When students were asked about their impending doom, Lakers weren’t as horrified as

the two statues presumably hoped. “Honestly this sounds like something my grandpa would do, and he’s dead,”Jessica Stephens, a sophomore at GVSU, said. Another student, senior Jacob Whitley, showed slight concern saying: “If we have living statues on campus that’s never good, what if they do things boring old people do?” We decided to meet with Laurana Providence once more, asking her if these two men will do more than “terrorize” GVSU. What she said disturbed us. “I see a dark Halloween night when these two old white men will sit ominously on the benches near the Cook Carillon Clock Tower staring at young folk who walk to and fro between class. They will mumble discouraging words about this generation and how back in their day ‘things weren’t so easy.’ They will spend time preaching under the Transitional Links about Medicare and how horrible it is to deal with. These two men will continue their ways as friends in the afterlife as they did while they both were among the living.” Providence then confirmed that Lubbers and Seidman are old-time friends, and the statues that represent them will go back to their ways once back on their rock foundations and off of the university’s heated concrete. Needless to say, this Halloween will bring panic to any students around. The Halloween nightmare of 2014 is upon us, and preparation is necessary. So when thinking of costume ideas, it may be best to grab a sweater, an old pipe, and some Brut cologne to blend in. Camouflage is the best defense this Halloween.

WAIT, WHAT?

THE TOP TEN Reasons You Take

Halloween Too Seriously 10.) You start planning your costume in March: Each and every Halloween, you vow, will be the “best one yet,” and the only way to make that happen is with a stellar costume. Never mind that you could be using that money for other more immediate concerns like food or utilities. 9.) You send a letter of complaint to housing for not allowing you to keep live bats: You don’t see the problem with having just a few (20) live bats in your bedroom to celebrate the Hallow-day. Just for the next month, of course! Then you’ll return them to the zoo, and everyone will be happy. But because of that weird GVSU housing policy that says students can only have non-predatory fish in on—campus housing, you’re stuck with plastic decorations.

CONFESSIONAL:

My Roommate’s A Vampire Abby Dewstow wrote this

The following is a confessional interview of a GV student who wishes to remain unnamed: “I noticed something was wrong the day I moved in. It was midday and the room was pitch black; like, black black. I assumed, because it was so dark, that my roommate wasn’t there, but I hadn’t known that the rooms came with blackout curtains. I made my way over to the window and pushed open the curtains, shedding some light on the room. What I saw was terrifying. My roommate was crouched in a corner, under her bed, hissing at me. A legitimate hiss, like the sound your cat makes when it’s really pissed off or like the sound your snake makes when it’s hungry. She was dressed completely in black, from neck to ankles, and my side of the room was completely blocked off from her. But, things just got weirder. That night, she didn’t sleep. I heard her roaming around the room, searching through my things and making odd sucking noises. She was snoring obnoxiously, trying to convince me that she was sleeping, like the fake snoring that little kids do when they play opossum. Young men frequent our room, basically every night there’s a new one. She seems to be a master seductress, but the men always leave looking unnaturally pale and drained. She typically makes me leave for about five minutes, which leads me to believe that she isn’t using them for sex... unless it’s real quick and there’s no cuddling. She shows some weird obsession for toast. All

8.) You sleep in a coffin: No one’s entirely sure how you even got that thing into the apartment, but you’re committed. It was a little tricky getting used to. You kept forgetting where you were and knocking your head against the lid, but it got a lot easier once you started sleeping with it opened. The lining inside is hella plush, so that’s a plus! 7.) You buy giant bags of candy weeks before Halloween: September hasn’t even finished packing its bags before you’re careening down the candy aisle at Meijer. Who cares that you won’t actually get to hand that candy out for another 30 days? The point is it’ll enjoy its time locked away in your cupboards. What sort of trick-or-treaters are you even expecting to show up at Calder? 6.) You refuse to let anyone eat the candy you bought before Halloween: You know who you are. Your friend eyes your industrial size bag of Tootsie Rolls, Hershey bars, Jolly Ranchers, and Pixie Stix you spent way too much money on and instead of being a good friend and sharing even just a few pieces, you scrunch up your nose and insist that it’s only for Halloween. Jerk.

she ever eats is toast, and she’s very adamant about me knowing she eats toast. I searched through her computer while she was out at class and her history showed multiple searches for “human food,” which I guess is mostly toast. Problem is, she never eats it. She just sits in our darkened room, looking at me, licking the toast until I get uncomfortable enough to leave.

5.) You bought an Ouija board: This was a terrible decision on your part. Ouija boards end in one of two ways: complete lackluster failure or your sorry ass getting dragged to hell by some overzealous poltergeist who loves his job way too much. But at least you can say you tried it.

I bought garlic to make stir-fry one time, and I put it in the fridge. The fridge is littered with V8 Splash juice bottles containing some thick, red liquid, which I’m going to take to being tomato juice for my own sanity. Anyway, she opened up the fridge to get some “juice” and then fell on the floor screaming and withering. I thought she was having a seizure, but I was too afraid to approach her. She sprinted away from the fridge as fast as she possibly could, jumped into her hammock bed, and continued to scream until I started frantically throwing the contents of our fridge into the hall. Needless to say, the garlic was removed.

3.) You record every Halloween-themed Food Network episode: You don’t even like the Food Network that much. But as soon as Halloween rolls around, garlic and vaguely blood-looking sauces are everywhere. You won’t be able to make any of the stuff yourself, but it looks really good.

She has come to acquire a really nice camera that she takes selfies with. She never posts them anywhere and when I’ve asked, she says that it’s “really hard to take selfies with a Nikon,” but I know it’s because she doesn’t show up in pictures. She has a bunch of photos though, ones that are badly Photoshopped of families and pets. The best part? She isn’t in any of them. Every time she leaves for class, she covers herself in a thick, black cloak and takes an umbrella, regardless of the weather. At first I just assumed she was albino, but now I’m beginning to think otherwise. I bet it’s because she sparkles like a disco ball.

4.) You’re willing to kill your roommate for your haunted house: Nothing is too over the top to make sure the haunted house you’ve constructed is F-L-A-W-L-E-S-S. Even if it means murdering your roommate to give it that “authentic” ghost story. You’ve probably got two more, right? Besides, no one can prove anything.

2.) You’ve already started watching The Nightmare Before Christmas excessively: We’ve all done our best to block out that middle school phase when we were obsessed with this movie. To you, from October to December, it’s completely appropriate to watch it at least once a day. Maybe even three? Who knows? Who cares? You know you have complete control of your life, and that’s what matters. 1.) You accidentally release the entirety of the underworld into Grand Valley: It really was an accident. One minute you’re attempting to call upon Satan; the next all of his minions are causing destruction and mayhem all across GV campus. People are getting possessed, buildings are burning, one person died. But at least it looked cool. Teresa Williams wrote this

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What piece of media would benefit most from replacing a word with “ass?”

NICK, SOPHOMORE “Ass Got Fingered.”

BEN, JUNIOR “Legends of the Hidden Ass.”

ELIJAH, SOPHOMORE “The Diarrhea of Ass Frank.”

AROUND CAMPUS

Mike Lamberti wrote this In keeping with GVSU’s tradition of attempting to make campus look as much like a bazaar as possible, the tapestry salesman has set up his stand around the Cook Carillon clock tower this week for his yearly visit. Little did GVSU philosophy major Olivia Callini know that during her shopping trip for an oversized sheet with a mandala on it, her entire life would change. After conversing with the salesman, Callini had some serious soulsearching to do. She told The Black Sheep, “none of my other classmates or professors have the knowledge and debating ability that the tapestry salesman has. Plus, I mean, I don’t even think they’ve ever really listened to Phish.” Callini knew something was different about this trip as soon as the stand came into view. “There has to be something special about a place where pro-Tea Party ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ tapestries are right next to hi-res tapestries of Che Guevara,” Callini said. She entered the tent and found the

salesman speaking to another customer. She went about her business until she realized what they were talking about: “Look, I don’t know if you’ve seen True Detective, but let’s say all his theories on The Yellow King were airtight.” “Needless to say, it piqued my interest,” said Callini. After she joined in on the conversation, Callini tried goading more insights from the salesman: “Oh, I gave him the same treatment I give to all other philosophy people, I vigorously grilled him on a few Christopher Nolan films.” Such heavy, intellectual works are not for the faint of heart or the dim of thought, but still, the salesman was a step ahead of Callini the entire time. “It was almost like I was actually in Memento,” she said. Callini had one more trick up her sleeve before taking this man on as a guru. She confided with The Black Sheep that, “The most mindblowing time during my tenure

as a philosophy major was when we spent half of PHI 101 talking about The Matrix. There’s no way he could have the same ideas.” She flew some theories past the salesman, but to her disbelief, the salesman matched her point-bypoint: “He even deconstructed a few of my own theories. It messed with my entire notion of how philosophy works.” Callini needed answers. She waited until the salesman started packing up and she asked for more personal details. “Maybe I should have seen this coming, but he was also a philosophy major. Also he said he has a name, that name is ‘Phil,’ that he’s standing right there, and that he can hear you,” she said. Although she couldn’t believe it initially, the man’s passion for the words of ancient, stuffy dead men made that much more sense from the realization:“At first, it bummed me out, but then he started going on about how he went to school to become a writer, ended up with a philosophy degree, and now he makes a living selling

tapestries and arguing with students. He also gave me some live Phish bootlegs and I gotta say, they jam pretty hard.” It was a lot for Callini to digest, especially around track five of disc three, but despite the inner turmoil, she has decided to stick

with her chosen major. “I don’t think Noam Chomsky ever had to sell tapestries with Sublime’s logo on them to stoners, but I’d rather make a living doing that than dealing with publishing articles and working with other academics. Have you ever been in a philosophy class? You can

practically smell the Reddit on these people,” said Callini. “So, I’m going to follow Phil around the country, record his philosophy talks with customers, and sell the tapes as bootlegs.” Callini plans for her later work to focus on the circular nature of life and how history repeats itself.

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Tapestry Salesman Changes Philosophy Major’s Life

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PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

REAL TALK

HALLOWEEN

HORROR-SCOPES Julie Nichols wrote this

Astrology is more than just a hobby, it is a way of life. The Black Sheep consulted the stars to bring you the most accurate horror-scopes this Halloween. May the Milky Way bless us all and provide us candy bars of its namesake. Aries (March 21-April 19): Aries are natural born leaders full of energy. Round up a group of students and take them on a spooky trip through the ravines. When one of your members tragically dies, remember that you are weeding out the weaklings. Werewolves would have killed them eventually. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Oh how the Taurus likes to eat! For a bull like you, the real fun of Halloween starts November 1st when all the candy is 50% off. Connect with those who carry you upward and encourage your fantasies like the cashier in the P.O.D. encourages your early-onset diabetes. Gemini (May 21-June 20): As the twins of the Zodiac, your costume as a Gemini should reflect that. The stars reveal that dressing as a conjoined twin will bring you bountiful joy and cause you to win a $20 gift card in a costume contest for the Starbucks at Pew Campus. Cancer (June 21-July 22): This Halloween, you will be troubled by an important question. The answer will become clear when you find peace with the universe and choose the best costume to compliment your soul. And no, you should not wear that Catwoman costume to PSY 101. Leo (July 23-August 22): As the flamboyant lion that you are, it is in your best interest to have the most amazing costume. Everyone at the big 48 West party will be jealous when you show up in the best Steve Buscemi look. Soak it in and become one with the Buscemi. Virgo (August 23-September 22): Virgos can be called nature’s organizers due to their innate sense of practicality. If you want the best out of Halloween, find a party and micromanage everything for the host. Don’t even think

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about forgetting your label-maker. Libra (September 23-October 22): Libras are apt to be in tune with the pleasant spirit of the people around them. This makes you the perfect party-thrower. Even when GVPD shuts down your shindig and gives you an M.I.P., your grace and charm will be remembered for an eternity. Scorpio (October 23-November 21): A true Scorpio can be summed up in one word: SEX. This is no blanket statement. Skip the party and take your hot date into the arboretum for a Halloween full of passionate love-making. Spiritual tip: keep the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume on. Furries are in! Sagittarius (November 22-December 22): Something extraordinary will happen to all Centaurs on the 31st. In order to experience this Halloween miracle, stand outside the Papa John’s at 10:30 p.m. while singing “Anaconda.” We can’t say what exactly will happen, but have faith in the divine power of our sky! Capricorn (December 22-January 19): During October, the Moon will align with Pluto in the Capricorn house. This means you should lay low for Halloween, which might entail not answering the door when trick-or-treaters come by. Not that a Cap like you would answer it anyway. Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Something about Halloween ignites the creative flames of any Aquarius soul. This year, channel your ever-burning fire towards pumpkin carving then leave your rotting jack-o-lantern outside your dorm as a pleasant reminder of sweet, sweet inevitable death. Pisces (February 19-March 20): Pisces are often larger than life. For this Halloween, transcend reality and become a ghostly being. Then you can haunt all the poor, unfortunate souls that teased you in high school. In college, Halloween is cool again!

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p e e h s k theblac Print • Mobile • Online

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 6 ou

1) World Geography: Mont Blanc is the highest mountain in this mountain range.

6) Religion: What is the Catholic prayer “Ave Maria” more commonly known as?

2) Video Games: What handheld game device launched with Tetris and Super Mario Land?

7) Fashion: In women’s fashion, what is the smallest dress size available?

3) Poetry: What poetic form is recognizable by its lack of consistent meter, pattern or rhyme? 4) Senses: What sense is primarily influenced by your olfactory nerve? 5) Chain Restaurants: Yum! Brands restaurants own and operate three national restaurant chains. Name two.

ELIZABETH KILBOURNE, PART-TIME FACULTY OF LIBERAL STUDIES

THE DRINKING GAME

8) US History: What was the 50th state admitted to the Union? 9) Drugs: What street drug shares similarities to, and is a derivative of morphine? 10) Cartoons: What long-running show will see crossovers with both Futurama and Family Guy in its upcoming season?

Elizabeth’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) French Alps 2) Game Boy 3) Haiku 4) Smell 5) KFC and Pizza Hut 6) No idea! 7) 00 8) Hawaii 9) No Clue! 10) SpongeBob

1) Alps 2) Game Boy 3) Free verse 4) Smell 5) Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, KFC 6) Hail Mary 7) 0 8) Hawaii 9) Heroin 10) The Simpsons

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

LOST AND FOUND

DRUNK NACHOS

Here at The Black Sheep know how rough weekend nights can get. You might end up lost on campus, running home in your underwear or – God help you – lying face down in a pile of your own shit outside of a bar. Most concerning is when you wake up the next morning without half the stuff you left with. Well, tonight we’re going to retrace our steps and find your stuff the only way we know how: get just as drunk and do it all over again.

It’s that point at the night where you’ll eat anything. You’ve perused the cabinets and you’ll settle for a block of uncooked ramen if you have to, but then you see it: a bag of chips. And then you remember it: There’s a bag of cheese in the fridge. That only means one thing, bud. Drunk nachos.

What You’ll Need: Half the items you had last night, more beer, and the ability to regain your memory. Number of Players: You and your internal compass. Level of Intoxication: Exactly the same as your previous night, one step too far and you’ll end up losing everything you have left with you.

What You’ll Need: The will to stand next to a microwave for 45 seconds, the creativity to place cheese on a few chips. Fatty Factor: Enough cheese to choke a few times while trying to swallow the chips.

How to play: - Wake up and realize you’ve lost everything you need to survive: wallet, phone, that tiny picture of a muskrat you keep in your pocket because you think it’s too funny. - Try calling your phone from your friend’s phone like an idiot. - Actually believe you’re going to find it for a second and then lose all hope. - Get as drunk as you did last night out of self-pity. - Realize that if you’re just as drunk as you were before, then logically you must be able to retrace your steps with no problem. - End up at a bar, shaking the bouncer and yelling, “WHERE IS IT?”

Let’s Get Baked: - Grab a handful of chips and put them on the plate (it’s much easier to pour from the bag). - Refrain from eating handfuls of cheese and leave them where they are on the chips. - Shove that shit in the microwave and wait 45 seconds. - DON’T try to eat one right after taking them out, you’ll burn your tongue and kill any hope at tasting all future chips. - Get some salsa while you wait (it will also help cool off those chips). - Screw it, don’t wait any longer. Burn your mouth if you have to, they’re too good to not eat. - Lay in your pile of crumbs and total satisfaction. You did it. You made nachos.

The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning just to realize that everything was in your pants pocket from the night before. Whoops.

Wasn’t that better than a shitty block of ramen or a can of SpaghettiOs? If you keep using your head like that, things will be looking up for you!

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We’ve all been there: it’s time for bed, the nightlight in the hall has mysteriously gone out, you don’t dare let your feet dangle off the bed for something might grab them, and your parents have told you for the tenth time to, “Go the hell to sleep, you’re 22-years-old.” The Black Sheep remembers, and we’ve decided to offer some closure to those that’ve suffered scary monsters. LOGAN BAILEY WROTE THIS

Oogie Boogie

Velociraptor

Damien

Claim to Fame: Constantly attempting to take over Christmas, and kill Santa Claus. Where We Last Saw Them: An empty sack lying at Jack Skellington’s feet. Where Are They Now?: Since then, Oogie has come to terms with himself, claiming abstinence from gambling as his reason for success. The former gambling addict now hosts weekly Gamblers Anonymous meetings, serving as team leader for his charter of the group. “We, uh, admit that, uh, we are powerless over gambling – whether it’s children’s lives or money – and that our lives are unmanageable… or something like that,” Mr. Boogie said about how he overcame his addiction. “This is a great, uh, program they’re running here. It’s really helped me and my, uh, issues.” He works as a janitor in Emerson Elementary in Battle Creek, Michigan.

Claim to Fame: Eating people at a theme park, battling a TRex, and opening doors. Where We Last Saw Them: …eating people, fighting a T-Rex, and opening doors. Where Are They Now?: With his vicious, pointy teeth and giant claws, Velociraptor has created some terrifying cinematic moments. His glory days on the silver screen behind him, everyone’s favorite raptor has since earned degrees in paleoecology, paleontology, and quantum mathematics. Now an exhibit coordinator at the Natural History Museum in Chicago, Velociraptor has made quite a living, as well as a strangely off-putting British accent. “I fear my days as an actor have tainted my species,” the non-avian doctor said, “that ignorant sod Spielberg made sure of it, dehumanizing us every chance he got.” The prehistoric creature has since vowed to reestablish his species as top-dog, signing on as a consultant for the upcoming Jurassic World. “For too long, we Theropods have been portrayed as, dare I say, primitive. Pish-posh, I say! We are some of the most impressive creatures to roam this earth! Pick a door, any door, and watch me open it!” Velociraptor is reportedly making a seven figure salary.

Claim to Fame: Being the Antichrist. Where We Last Saw Them: Holding the President’s hand, looking ominously into the camera. Where Are They Now?: Ever since his parents tried to kill him, this son of Satan has found new meaning for his life. Raised in a government halfway house, Damien Thorn has vowed to champion pro-life movements throughout the nation. “I had a very close call as an infant,” Thorn stated in recent press conference, “if I was granted the right to live by my government, then goddammit, so does every life, hell-born or not!” A steadfast Republican, the jackal-born Antichrist is a frequent contributor to Republican fundraisers and campaigns, often working as a speech-writer. He served as co-writer for the 2012 Romney presidential campaign. “I was sadly banned from joining the seminary, but I found a new calling as a writer,” Thorn said, “the lord sure works in mysterious ways.”

The Creature from the Black Lagoon

Count Chocula

Pennywise

Claim to Fame: Kidnapping damsels in distress, taking them to his creepy lair in a swamp. Where We Last Saw Them: Sinking to the bottom of the Black Lagoon, riddled with bullets. Where Are They Now?: As the star of the sitcom, The Gillmans, Gilbert Gillman of the Black Lagoon couldn’t be happier. “Erghh-glersh, Academy Awards-gluhgersh,” the ABC star stated, and he’s probably right. After a brief, but successful stint in black and white film, Mr. Gillman drifted away from Hollywood, but of his own accord. “Erfhh-glaff, lerghhlaswah, errghy-settle down,” the star stated, “erghhin-make babies.” It wasn’t until the mid-2000s that Mr. Gillman reemerged, with the continuous support of his wife, as the beloved Manny Gillman on The Gillmans, and stole the hearts of millions.

Claim to Fame: A delicious chocolate breakfast food. Where We Last Saw Them: On a cereal box in October. Where Are They Now?: Living in suburban Indiana, The Count now works as a humble dental assistant. In a series of lawsuits, furious American parents—blaming their children’s rising dental bills and America’s obesity epidemic on his product—stripped Chocula of his career and dignity. Scorned, but not yet broken, Chocula continued his crusade for delicious sugary cereals, going as far as publically announcing that his family would start a diet of only his cereal for an entire year to prove its worth. Sadly, in his obsession with reclaiming his fame, his own son lost his life after losing both of his fangs from cavities brought on by the cereal. “I’ve learned my lesson,” The Count said, “I know now the error of my ways, and the deadly power of sugary cereals.”

Claim to Fame: Eating children (seeing a theme here?) Where We Last Saw Them: Battling pissed-off adults in a cave… as a giant spider-creature. Where Are They Now?: After killing an undisclosed number of children in the 1980s, Pennywise the demon clown claims his murdering days are behind him. In a stunning revelation, last year he announced he will run for governor in Maine in the November 2014 elections. “I’ve turned a new leaf,” the clown said in a televised interview, “the fact is, I know what it’s like on the other side and I’ve seen the underbelly of this state. With my help, I know we can turn the great state of Maine around!” He plans to run on a platform of “cleaning the streets,” vowing to rid neighborhoods of the inner-city youths that have really “bastardized America” and “deserve to be eaten for their crimes.”

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GHOST OF FORMER GV MASCOT VANDALIZING CARS IN SEWARD RAMP Logan Bailey wrote this

Sightings of a seven-foot tall floating pirate ghost in the Seward Ramp downtown were reported earlier this week. Students walking to class from their vehicles claimed to have heard crying and an occasional “argh” as they exited the parking structure. When they returned their vehicles had been vandalized with various designs keyed onto the hoods and doors of their cars. Above each car, the ghost flipped the bird before dissipating. Rather than being terrified of the apparition, students are just pissed off. “That asshole carved a penis with an eye patch on the hood of my car,” student Sherry Markus said, “it’s not even my car, it’s my dad’s! He’s gonna kill me.” Students were not the only ones affected by the prank, however. “It keyed a #KillLouie hashtag on every door of my Volvo,” writing professor Todd Kaneko stated. “Louie and I

are very close. That ain’t cool man, it just ain’t cool.” When asked about why the ramp is being haunted, Grand Valley admins opted not to answer and simply stated: “All hail, Louie.” After further review of GV’s brief mascot history, The Black Sheep discovered some troubling information. Grand Valley was founded in 1960. In the beginning, the administration struggled to create an appropriate mascot and cycled through countless names and creatures before deciding on our beloved Louie. One of those sad, abandoned mascots was Perry the Pirate. Perry was declared the mascot for a full three months and two days, until the administrators realized that a sailor representing the Lakers made a hell of a lot more sense. Perry went on to work as a middle school mascot and had a brief stint as a cereal mascot for the failed

Pirate Sugar Pricks in the mid-‘80s. Forgotten, Perry lived the rest of his days in heartbroken obscurity until he died from falling off the Seward Ramp while intoxicated in 2006. We waited around the frequently haunted parking spaces in the parking ramp to try and speak with the elusive, dead pirate. After about an hour Perry appeared, caught in the act of carving a giant middlefinger across the hood of a GVSU Security vehicle. He was noticeably inebriated, despite being dead. “Ya’ll deserve what’s coming to yer,” Perry stated, “you left me to rot without s’much as a nod, then replaced me with that stupid sailor. Mark me words, Lakers, you’ll be seeing a lot of me from now on.” After the brief interview, the estranged mascot started to weep, urinated on the security vehicle, and then passed out next to it. Strangely enough, Perry hasn’t been the only sighting on campus

this month. Recently, another former mascot, Grand Valley’s Nessy, has been seen in the pond outside of Zumberg Hall. When asked why, the creature roared before eating on-scene reporter, Logan Bailey. He will be replaced.

When asked what she thought of the recent mascot hauntings, sophomore Sarah LaBeamish called the ghosts “pathetic” and “sad excuses for ghouls.” “If I was one of them,” LaBeamish told us, “I’d hit this campus where it really

hurts: those damn Greek houses.” The Black Sheep advises students to simply walk around the areas, and to generally avoid speaking to Plesiosaurs and dead pirates, if it can be helped.

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Squares!

THE SIMPSONS crossword

ACROSS: 3) The owner of the Kwik-E-Mart, last name. 7) The twins in Bart’s class, with purple hair and pale skin. 11) The family’s pet cats. DOWN: 1) The Sunday School teacher, Ms. What? 2) The youngest of the Simpsons. 4) Ned Flanders’s deceased wife. 5) The cool elementary school bus driver. 6) Sideshow Bob’s Italian wife. 7) The last name of the owner of Moe’s Tavern. 8) The cartoon cat and mouse, two words. 9) Springfield Chief of Police, two words. 10) Mr. Burn’s personal assistant. 11) The town The Simpsons takes place in. 12) Lisa’s instrument of choice.

13) The family’s pet dog is whose Little Helper? 14) Skinner 15) The spokes-mascot for Duff Beer.

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