Volume 3
The Black Sheep
rea Free! lly m Lik ake e we you wou pay ld for this .
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 6
Battle of the Valleys Charity Money Funds GV Staff Trip to Disneyland Shardae Rudel wrote this Contrary to popular belief, the annual Battle of the Valleys (BotV) competition between GVSU and SVSU is more than just a football game. For more than ten years, both schools have sought to out-fundraise each other for a charity. SV has outraised GV by astounding margins for six years running, winning the Victoria Trophy and earning the closest thing to bragging rights the squalid degree mill has ever had. Sick of watching their rival embarrass itself, GV upped its game this year by changing the charity to a more worthy cause: themselves. Up until last year, GV had been donating the BotV funds to various causes including multiple children’s foundations and Big Brothers Big Sisters of West Michigan. Such causes have failed to elicit a battleworthy donation pool from the GV student body, who were surprised when asked if they’re going to donate. “It’s a fundraiser?” asked junior Seth Clearwater. “I thought it was Grand Valley trying to mimic the Michigan/Michigan State rivalry. I didn’t know it actually meant anything.” Clearwater’s reaction is common among the GV student body. Their ignorance towards BotV’s fundraising goal has lead to record-breaking losses for the Laker Nation. In 2012 the fundraising spread was an embarrassing $1,100 to SV’s $30,224. Last year’s final round of donations on the GVSU side of things totaled to a gum wrapper, a Motorola Razr, and a copy of The Five People You Meet in Heaven. We spoke with GV board member Harrison Ulric, who revealed to us that the idea to make themselves the beneficiaries of the fundraiser came from an all-staff meeting. “We pulled the entire board together and asked about any worthy causes they wouldn’t mind supporting,” Ulric told us. “It didn’t take us long to realize the answer was right in front of us all along: the faculty and staff. Who’s more in need and worthy of our students’ money than the people enriching their young lives?” The motion to give the money to GV’s faculty and staff was unanimous. They plan to use the money for a week-long trip to Disneyland during spring break. The money will go towards park admission, airfare, and booking rooms at a four-star hotel, but the souvenirs will come out of the staff’s own pockets.
PAGE 5 WHAT YOUR COFFEE SHOP PREFERENCE SAYS ABOUT YOU JUDGE YOUR PEERS BY WHERE THE GET THEIR CAFFEINE FIX.
“We need the vacation,” Ulric said, “How would you feel dealing with bratty college students on the daily who think they know everything? Let me tell you. Not good… Not good at all.” “We would have gone to Disney World,” board member Richard Hillman added sadly, “but the students are so damn cheap. We had to compromise a few things.”
Hillman has high hopes for the change. He predicts students will rally to the worthy cause, prompted by their professors and faculty advisors at every turn. “They’re helping their professors out and giving them a break. That’s as good of a cause as any.” Students are encouraged to donate to the cause November 9th-15th. The faculty will also accept donations of Mickey Mouse ears, fanny packs, and disposable cameras.
PAGE 10
PAGES 12-13
HOW TO WIN THE ATTENDANCE GAME
HOW TO FIX 2014’S WORST NEW SHOWS (WITHOUT CHANGING THEIR NAMES)
A FEW FOOL-PROOF WAYS TO BEAT THE TOTALLY UNFAIR POLICY.
THIS FALL’S TELEVISION LINEUP IS ATROCIOUS. HERE’S WHAT WE THINK WOULD HELP.
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PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?
TO KILL SOME TIME.
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WORD of the WEEK
MIRRORCLE An act in which one looks in the mirror and is convinced she looks good when she, in fact, does not. “I don’t know what she was thinking when she looked at herself in the mirror tonight,” Bethany exclaimed, “must have been a mirrorcle.”
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Ex-Amish, now a model.
2
Arrested for DUI in 2013.
3
Daughter of a bishop.
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Student Sues GV After Tripping Over Electrical Outlet Box After suffering a fall at the hands of one of the electrical outlets inside the Mary Idema Pew Library, student Sam Cauzwell has filed a $100-million lawsuit against GVSU after losing his left foot. According to Cauzwell he was looking at Snapchats of his “totally platonic bros’ ” thighs, biceps, and upper glutes, when tragedy stuck and his left foot collided with the electrical outlet.
Doctors had to amputate the foot after it became infected, “Doctors say I’m lucky to have my leg at all, but what was I supposed to do? Bend down, wash it, and bandage it? Bending over’s not my thing,” Cauzwell explained. In a press release the administration explained their concern over the lawsuit. “If Cauzwell were to win this ridiculous lawsuit we would have no choice but to raise tuition. We were probably going to anyway, but do you really
Alison Tazelaar & Rachel McLaughlin wrote this As some proud Michigan residents know, Michigan is the only state in the USA to have all four types of squirrels: brown, black, gray, and red. Nobody is sure how or why they decided to hang out in the mitten state, but the gang’s all here. “They’re useless! All they do is steal our acorns,” said Rodger Black, “but I suppose I can forgive them.”
Jeff Perry Wrote This
Junior eyewitness Dave Frankfurt said, “He seemed like he bumped his foot pretty bad. I mean, I didn’t see any blood or anything, but when he unleashed that high-pitched scream he’s known for at the gym, you could tell he hit that thing pretty hard.”
Take THAT Mother Nature
want it to be a definite thing?” GVSU went on to discuss the issue of the electrical boxes, “We recognize the electrical boxes on the floor can be dangerous and we plan to resolve this situation by putting up signs and sending out delayed text notifications of similar incidents. At this time we do not plan on removing the electrical boxes, it’s just way cheaper to put up tiny signs. That way we’re no longer liable.” The Cauzwell V GVSU court date is set for November 23rd. “I just want people to look out for these boxes so they don’t have to go through what I did. And when I win, I’ll use the $100 million to buy a bionic foot and teach those electric outlet boxes who’s boss,” said Cauzewell.
Halloween-Christmas Slide Happens as Usual Teresa Williams wrote this
Recently, Grand Valley students have learned these four squirrels control the weather. “I looked through my window and saw a gray raising its paws. The sky closed and stopped raining. Like…What the hell,” said sophomore Bree Tanner, “We obviously need to harness them for the good of the people.” In order to keep the good weather going, students are trying to figure out the best way to use nature’s gift of a complete set of squirrels. GV students have taken to the ravines with the hopes of catching these little darlings in order to study them and find a solution to global warming through their psychokinetic abilities. When not using these squirrels like Pokemon to be the “the very best, like no one ever was,” a small group of these students have begun to use the Evee-like squirrels as animal sacrifices in hopes of permanently appeasing the gods of old to keep the weather at a warm 70 degrees. However, the GV administration and the ASPCA have made it clear through Sara McLachlan music that animal sacrifice is (apparently) frowned upon and have ordered the students to “cut it out.” The Michigan DNR has insisted to students that the squirrels have no mystical power or purpose outside of just being squirrels and to “please stop trying to catch them all” to which students have responded: “Nope.”
With the month of Halloween (also known to some less sophisticated creatures as October) finally and unfortunately over, students have been reporting a strange shift in the atmosphere. “I was at the Meijer in Standale, around midnight on Halloween,” said student Mary Ann Synder. “I came with my friends to see if there was any candy left. We’d just come from a party, and the plan was to get candy and head to another one. I went to the bathroom and when I walked back out, the entire store changed! All the Halloween stuff was gone. I was so confused.” Mary Ann’s friend, Rob Jones, was actually in the store when the event occurred. “There was a blinding light and some screaming. I couldn’t see anything for a few seconds, but when I could, it was just like Mary Ann said. The only thing left was the bag of mixed chocolates I’d just picked up. Everything else had Santa’s face plastered all over it.” No one actually saw the change take place. The same thing occurred on campus a few days later. As many are aware, on-campus housing has recently implemented a ban on Christmas lights. However, as soon as the clock struck midnight on Halloween night, Christmas lights appeared in the dorms of Niemeyer, despite the ban. Students were baffled, though not disappointed. Many said they had missed their lights and were glad to see them back. RAs are encouraging students to take the lights down, to comply with the housing rules, but each time they remove them, another string pops up,
usually more elaborate and brighter than before. “I took my lights down because my RA said I had to. But when I left to get food from the Connection, they were back up and there was a Christmas tree, all decorated and shit, in the corner of my room,” honor student Kelsey Marshall explained. “I mean, I’m not complaining, but my RA is not happy. She’s stopped trying to get me to take them down, since it’s obviously not working.” RAs across campus have been collaborating on how to fix the problem. Thus far, no solution has worked. While inconsiderate of the feelings of RAs, the phenomenon does seem to be conscious of students’ religious affiliations/holiday preferences. A Jewish student, Clarence Fishman, noted that instead of a Christmas tree or anything similar, a menorah appeared on his desk. “I was sort of worried when I heard about all the Christmas stuff happening,” he told The Black Sheep, “How are you supposed to ask a weird, Christmas-obsessed force of nature not to leave Christmas paraphernalia in your room? But I guess I didn’t really need to worry about it. So, thanks, weird holiday being. I appreciate it.” This jump straight from Halloween to Christmas begs the question: What about Thanksgiving? Where is all the Thanksgiving stuff? However, no one has actually asked this question as no one actually cares about Thanksgiving beyond getting time off from school and gluttony.
AROUND TOWN
THE TOP TEN
Yaks You’ll Find on GV’s YikYak YikYak is a new social app that is taking GV’s campus by storm. Essentially an anonymous Twitter that focuses just on the local college campus, it’s a way for everyone at Grand Valley to let out their inner asshole, secretively. 10.) I’m Lonely: At least half of your nighttime feed is full of this crap. From people looking for cuddle buddies to homies just calling for a pal to watch Netflix with, GV students see YikYak as a perfect spot to anonymously make friends. What’s even better? You never actually meet or be social. It’s just comforting to know that there are more lonely people out there to complain with. 9.) GVPD Complaints: These fellas, who apparently got their degrees from SVSU, have nothing better to do than to hand out MIPs to drinkers on campus. Encroaching upon college kids’ lives is what they do best. How dare they do their job.
What Your Coffee Shop Preference Says About You Julie Nichols wrote this Coffee can get you through the roughest times (like an 8 a.m. or a holiday with your parents), but where you choose to get your caffeine fix actually says a lot about you. Starbucks: Without a doubt, you were the shit in middle school. After countless viewings of Mean Girls and Clueless, you grew to become the coolest kid in town. Everyone wanted to be your friend. However, now that you’re in college, things have taken a turn down a different path. Nobody finds your bad Indie music appealing and your love of Oprah has been difficult on your friendships. Congrats anyway, everyone’s mom still remembers you fondly. Biggby: Comerica Park. Eminem. That hand making a fist. With most of its stores in East Michigan, let’s just say you know Detroit. Or do you? Being a kid from the suburbs probably doesn’t count. By all means, you do you, but you really shouldn’t say things like “East Side pride” when you don’t even know who Kwame Kilpatrick is. Tim Hortons: If “Timmy’s” is your favorite then, like all of its patrons, you’re a little eccentric. Whether it’s wanting to get married in a coffee shop (true story) or believing the moon doesn’t exist (should be a true story), you’re probably an oddball. Accept who you are because conspiracy theories have to come from somewhere and you’re the best person to create them. The GVSU Lobby Shoppe: You must be fresh into the coffee game and are afraid to go anywhere else. For one, no other place tells you what each menu item consists of. Otherwise, how else would you know an Americano is when they add hot water to an espresso? Ya know, kinda like a regular cup of coffee, but twice as expensive.
The Bitter End: The good news is people think you’re cool. The bad news is they’re probably faking it to boost their own reputation. Like communism, everyone thinks you’re “great in theory.” However, few would say you’re really worth it. Some advice: milk the attention for all it’s worth. For the time being, embrace insincerity. It seems to be working for most celebrities and politicians. And they can’t be wrong.
8.) Theme of the Night: Every night, there’s a different theme. From poop to socks, everybody chimes in with their fun story about said subject. Each topic creates a kumbaya circle of storytelling. 7.) SpongeBob Squarepants References: “Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?” If you’re really trying to get back to your ‘90s baby roots, tune in to YikYak at all hours of the day for a nice reminder of how easy life use to be. 6.) Annoying Roommate Complaints: Nobody likes their roommates. They do nothing but steal oxygen and take up space. These Yaks will give you insightful ways on how to get back at your roommate for whatever ungodly thing they did, such as spitting in their socks or peeing in their bed. 5.) The Not-so-Funny Reposts: These GV students are just looking for some instant gratification. Stealing funny, popular sayings from Twitter, Facebook, 4Chan, Tumblr, or Vine, they Yak used material in order to get some upvotes, and some self-esteem. 4.) The After-Fresh Shits: We all know that Fresh’s name doesn’t quite fit the quality of the food, but who can turn down the all-you-can-eat? We all know the only reason they post about poop is because they’re pooping. People using the app don’t even try to be subtle and will let you know when they’re in need of some more TP. 3.) Honest Questions: Some people really just need an answer, and YikYak is not the place to ask. If you want an answer to what’s on Fresh’s menu or what bus you should take to get downtown, call Student Services or check online. Your peers are not there to help. They’ll downvote you while laughing.
Speedway: You give off an aura that’s dark and brooding. And that’s not to say that you like dark coffee. Personality-wise, you’re just seem a little soulless. Really, nothing says “I hate this finite world filled with meaninglessness” than a cup of joe from a gas station. Hang in there though, because your Speedy Reward points could probably score you half a packet of gum by the end of the year. Your Keurig: Somehow money became an illusion to you. It would be cheaper to buy a machine that literally sucks away $5 every time you walk by it. That being said, you either have a trust fund or are just extremely trusting. Also, you’re probably one of those people who refuse to watch pirated movies. Seriously, it’s just Frozen and Disney’s made enough money off of it! Other Local Coffee Shops: If Sparrows or Mayan Buzz is more your taste, then just re-read the entry for The Bitter End. At the end of the day, they’re all the same and all say the same thing about you, the biggest “badass” on campus.
2.) SVSU Degrees Are Easy: From loading screens to unclogging a toilet, SVSU degrees are very easy to come by. According to some Grand Valley students, just reloading your feed can get you a degree in Computer Science. It’s a common happenstance to poke fun at SVSU here. 1.) I’m So Horny: Instead of masturbating, like every other normal person, these people treat Yaking as a mating call. The app is slowly transforming into an anonymous Tinder. These students are ready for a one-night stand, and they’re not concerned who finds out. If you want a quick, anonymous dance with no pants, just hook up the people with your Twitter and let your freak-flag fly. Abby Dewstow wrote this
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ON THE STREETS Where’s the most inappropriate place you’ve ever been naked?
JAKE, JUNIOR “The PAC.”
KATIE, SENIOR “The sound booth of my high school theater.”
ALYSSA, FRESHMAN “The Walmart parking lot, in front of a tour bus of seniors.”
06
MMM... BEER
Mike Lamberti wrote this
Craft breweries are popping up in west Michigan at a rate similar to how the great Yellowstone Caldera will eventually erupt and kill us all. So, obviously, we’re comparing these breweries’ hard work to 90’s cartoons. Founders: Founders is arguably the most popular brewery in Grand Rapids, and it’s distributed in 33 states. This is a monolith compared to other local breweries, making it a kind of SpongeBob Squarepants of craft brewing. Like SpongeBob, Founders is probably what got you into this topic in the first place. SpongeBob’s first few seasons are timeless and enjoyed year-round, similar to Founders’ reliable lineup of pale ales and the crowd-pleasing breakfast stout. Even Founders’ missteps have die-hard defenders, similar to why SpongeBob is somehow just got cancelled after surviving y2k, 9/11, two wars, and a recession. Now, they could be even more similar if Founders also came up with a way to give David Hasselhoff a purpose. Bell’s Brewery: Bell’s Brewery in Kalamazoo has a robust simplicity in common with King of the Hill. Many breweries throw all sorts of stuff into their beer, but Bell’s has a relatively tame lineup. Their adherence to simple, traditional beer works in their favor. King of the Hill sharply contrasted with other “adult cartoons” like The Simpsons or Family Guy and it didn’t blow heads away with crazy animation and ribald dialogue. Instead, it used subtly ironic situations and offhand lines that became funnier over time. Bell’s also doesn’t have flashy labels, preferring to use a grizzled man’s face. Through squinted eyes, it even kind of looks like Hank Hill. Odd Side Ales: The Ren & Stimpy Show was a kaleidoscope of boogers, vomit, and maniacal violence just like Odd Side Ales in Grand Haven. No other cartoon caused more TV sets to be abruptly shut off by horrified mothers than Ren & Stimpy. The creators were trying their hardest to drive you insane with a cartoon, similar to how the owners of Odd Side Ales in Grand Haven are trying their hardest drive you insane with beer. Want a blonde ale that tastes like a cup of coffee? How about a chocolate stout that fades into hot pepper? Odd Side Ales wipe their ass with the Bavarian Purity Law of 1516, just like how John Kricfalusi wiped his with his Nickelodeon contract. We have a word count to deal with, so you can Google that or whatever. The Mitten Brewery: Freakazoid! rivals Ren & Stimpy in overstimulation levels, and the Mitten Brewery has been catching up with Odd Side Ales when it comes to experimentation. The Mitten Brewery is the unsung gem of Grand Rapids. It’s not particularly big, they don’t bottle their beer (yet), and it’s far-removed from the bustling downtown. At this point, it’s still a cult gem, reminiscent of the high-octane series Freakazoid! It won’t be long until the Mitten joins the ranks of the other more celebrated breweries. Or it’ll just get abruptly cancelled after two seasons.
PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
To What ‘90s Cartoon Are These Michigan Breweries Most Similar?
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Friday
Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine
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Live Entertainment
$2 Domestic Pints Noon-6 $5 Bulldozers and $3 Long Islands
Sunday
11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits
Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees
Sunday Funday - NFL Ticket $3 Flavored Vodka, $2 Wells $2 Domestics DJ Laud-E after 9pm
$3.99 Bloody Marys 9-Midnight
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2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Michigan Monday, $3 select Michigan drafts
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Local Night! $2 Tier 1 + $3 Tier 2 Beers from 4pm - 12am Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine
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Sunday
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Monday
Happy Hour 4-7! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM
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Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria
Tuesday
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Wednesday
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Employee Handbook 2014
Happy Hour 4-7! $2 You Call Its 9PM-12AM 1/2 Off Food 8PM-10PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM
1
Happy Hour 4-7! Ladies Night: $4 Drink Menu (8PM-12AM) for Ladies, No Cover Until 11PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM
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HOW TO
WIN THE ATTENDANCE GAME
Consider the fact that after just three measly absences, you could potentially fail that French course. Or, on just your second absence, you could completely bomb your 6-9. After paying thousands of (not) hard-earned money in tuition and books, you deserve a little R ‘n R, right? Here are some practically fool-proof ways to defeat your prof in the totally unfair attendance game. Bribe Them With… Drugs?: We’ve all seen Weeds, selling some hash to an English professor really isn’t all that difficult. Sure, there’s a risk they still report you, but at least you went out swinging. If they don’t seem interested in your little bribe, maybe slip something into their coffee. Roll is a little hard to take when you’re smelling colors. Pay a Peer: Nothing says “present” like someone saying, “present.” If you just promise someone five bucks just to say one little word, how could they resist? They could buy a big ol’ cup of soup under Kirkhof, three refills of coffee, a crappy turkey and old cheese sandwich, or a gram of cocaine from the Ravines – the possibilities are close to endless! $5-$10 a week is a relatively small investment anyway. Sneak the Hell out of There: Timing is everything. The trick is to make sure they check mark that you’re there, and that you answer the first question asked voluntarily. They’ll be so impressed you answered it right, they won’t think they have to call on you again. If you answer wrong, your name starts to flash neon colors on their attendance chart, prompting
them to call on you EVERY SINGLE TIME. Challenge Them to a Dance-Off: Odds are you’ll boogie harder when a pass or fail grade is on the line. Be sure to only challenge the lessthan-averagely limber professors. Also, making sure you can actually dance is necessary. The last thing you’ll want is to lose a dance-off with a secretly-proficient-at-jitterbugging writing professor (looking at you Amorak Huey) in front of your entire class… shit stings. Cut Their Brake Lines: Granted, this is sort of putting the professor in danger, but a struggling college student has to do what a struggling college student has to do. What you have to make absolutely sure of is that they can’t trace it back to you. Whether that means taking a little refund cash and paying someone to do it, or convincing your drunk roommate to do it, is all up to you. Vomit, Vomit Everywhere: Yeah, we know, not the advice you were hoping for. Here’s the thing – they’re not going to want you there if you’re spewing all over their classroom. It stinks and is pretty damn distracting, so do them a favor and excuse yourself… after roll. Maybe only try this once or twice though. Bonus points if you can successfully vomit on the professor. Okay, now you’ve got some fairly viable options to beat those sons of guns at their own game. All you’re going to need is some petty cash, drugs, a really stupid friend and/or big-ass wire cutters, puke, and a can-do attitude. May the odds be ever in your favor, gamers.
Logan Bailey wrote this
Black Sheep
Takeover! Friday, November 21st at Mully’s
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Games & Contests Free Stuff Drink Specials
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Taken • Favorite Drink: Gin and cucumber martini Favorite Shot: Anything • Disgusting Drink: Smoker’s cough What should be infused with alcohol that currently isn’t?: I don’t know? Lemongrass. What animal would you most like to see drunk?: Honeybadger, he seems like he would suddenly start caring and become emotional. If you had a song playing in your aura as you walk around, what would it be?: Jamaican dance hall music. Anything with a reggae beat to it, I listen to that a lot. What’s a feature a social media platform should offer, but currently doesn’t?: Alcohol delivery. How does one best get dough daily?: Show up.
KELLI of MULLY’S THE DRINKING GAME
What are your thoughts on me noticing you noticing me, and me putting you on notice that I’m noticing you, too?: I appreciate the act that you’re noticing me noticing you. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: I’ll be in it and I’m fantastic.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
STRIPPING THE COLD
OLD-SCHOOL SANDWICH
Alright, it’s officially November, guys. It’s going to get colder than you can even imagine sometime soon, so you may as well make a game out of it while you freeze your ass off. This one’s pretty simple. The goal is to see how many layers you can remove due to your level of intoxication. Easy right? Not so fast...
If you’re the type of person who becomes a child when you get too drunk, this week’s recipe is for you. Even the mature drunks can appreciate the sentiment of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so loosen up and enjoy this classic drunk treat with a few added extras.
What You’ll Need: Your grandmother to take you shopping for winter clothes, the strength to zip two coats over one another, a liver that will risk everything to keep your body warm. Number of Players: Head-to-head challenges require at least two players, personal record challenges require just one. Level of Intoxication: Enough to think this is a good idea in below zero weather. How to Play: - First, you’ll need to check the temperature outside to know where you’re starting. - Bundle up good, buck’o! Throw on as many layers as possible (mark down how many articles of clothing you have on). - Begin drinking and sweating from all the clothes you foolishly put on. - When you believe you’re drunk enough, head outside and begin taking layers off. - Continue to remove layers until you either unknowingly freeze or strip completely naked.
What You’ll Need: Peanut butter, jelly, bread, your desired toppings (we enjoy bananas, more peanuts, Oreos – yes, OREOS). Fatty Factor: You’ll feel like an overweight baby forced to stay in the hospital for three extra weeks to shed some weight. Let’s Get Baked: - Stumble on over to the kitchen and grab a plate. - Get your bread ready (classic preparation here, just lay it on the plate ya’ fool!) - After you miss the plate, pick your bread up off the floor and slap some peanut butter and jelly on it. - Gobble down three spoonfuls of peanut butter and try to say the alphabet backwards to all your friends. - What did you used to put in your lunchbox in grade school? Throw it on the sandwich. - You might end up with a bunch of weird stuff on your sandwich – gummy bears, half a Lunchable, Kit Kats, you name it. Just swallow it, you won’t regret it.
The Game Ends When: You realize you’ve just been tricked into playing a game where you end up naked in public.
Didn’t that take you back? Now be careful. While you’re feeling overwhelmed with this nostalgia, you can’t turn into a mess of emotions and begin telling everyone you love them. Just whisper it to your sandwich there – it’s the best listener of all.
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In case you haven’t heard, this fall’s television lineup is atrocious. It’s drawn about as much interest as Santa Claus hulahooping in the nude. Actually, that sounds riveting. The ratings have been practically nonexistent, especially for the new shows. Luckily, due to these shows having extremely vague and terrible names, they can be completely transformed without having to change the title. Have no fear, network executives, The Black Sheep is here to save television. Keep in mind that a couple million viewers is not a lot. For context, Sunday Night Football averages over 21 million viewers and The Big Bang Theory (which is awful) averages over 20 million viewers.
Red Band Society Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on FOX
Summary: Red Band Society follows a group of teenagers who, due to various ailments, are living at the hospital. This includes a (lucky for him) comatose narrator, two cancer patients, a bitchy cheerleader who needs a new heart (Oh, the symbolism), a girl with an eating disorder, and (shocker) a sassy, older black woman with a heart of gold who acts as both a nurse and a spiritual guide. Ratings: Since opening at 4.1 million viewers (1.3 rating) for the pilot, the show’s viewership has dropped each
Ratings: Despite relatively good ratings, viewership has dropped from 14.75 million in the pilot
Summary: The father of an upper-middle-class black family living in the predominantly white suburbs struggles to find a cultural identity for his increasingly “white-acting” family. Essentially, the father acts out what a white person does when accused of racism, such as trying to desperately to find his kids more black friends or dressing them in a dashiki and attempting tribalsounding drum music.
to 11.71 at the present. How to Fix It: The female Secretary of State tries to balance her demanding job as one of the most important people in the world with her lucrative job as a madam at the world’s most successful brothel. She knows that she should quit the brothel, but it’s what allowed her the income to get into politics in the first place. To make matters worse, the DIA is on her tail and if her side job is found out, she’ll lose everything. It’s like Weeds, but the stakes are infinitely higher.
Summary: John Mulaney is a young comedian who, along with his two best friends and roommates, one male and one female, try to make it in the toughest city in the world. Also there to help is Mulaney’s wacky neighbor. Sound familiar? That’s because it’s Seinfeld. Seriously, it’s just modern Seinfeld, but not funny. Ratings: It is averaging a pathetic 2.3 million viewers.
Jane the Virgin • Mondays at 9 p.m. on The CW Summary: Jane, a teenage, religious Latina, has decided to save herself for marriage, only to be accidentally artificially inseminated by her doctor. I don’t think any snide remarks need to be added to this one. The premise is bad enough already. Ratings: The most recent episode had 1.03 million viewers (try not to laugh.) How to Fix It: Growing up in ancient Egypt among the pharaohs, Jane tries tows the line
Selfie Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC
between her promise to her family (and the sun god Amon-Ra) to stay pure until marriage, and her desire to not be sacrificed to the Tefnut, liongod of water, amongst the worst drought in the history of the Egyptian Empire. Little does she know, she has gained the interest of a young Egyptian Prince who wishes to one day marry her… Moses.
Summary: Eliza, a social media fiend and popular personality, is ruined after an embarrassing selfie goes viral. In order to save her image, she hires a self-image marketing expert who reluctantly agrees despite his utter annoyance at everything she does. Essentially, it’s every single show ever made where two opposite personalities clash, except they think if they add enough social media references, young people will watch it. Apparently this is not the case. Ratings: After debuting at 5.31 million viewers, those figures
How to Fix It: Instead of red hospital bands, the show follows a group of secret Nazis living in post-World War II America. They wear their red swastika bands under their clothes and attempt to overthrow the American government. At least when these Nazis are inevitably found out and killed, it won’t be as depressing as when a teenager dies in the show’s original format.
Black-ish • Wednesdays at 9:30 p.m. on ABC
Madam Secretary • Sundays at 8 p.m. on CBS Summary: Following the death of her predecessor, a woman tries to balance her new job as the Secretary of State with her personal life as a wife and mother of two children. How edgy and original! A woman as the Secretary of State? That would never happen, except for in three out of the last six in America. Maybe this show would have been better received in 1980, when it would have been unheard of.
week until episode four, which had 2.92 million viewers (0.9 rating).
Ratings: Despite a solid showing in the pilot at 11.04 million, its viewership has since dropped drastically to a meager 6.93 million. How to Fix It: A struggling actor finds the role of a lifetime, except that it calls for a black actor and he is white. Instead of giving up, the protagonist attempts to gain the role while in blackface, only to realize that getting the role was the easy part. He spends the rest of the series trying to blend in with the black community and keep the ruse going. Essentially, a racial Mrs. Doubtfire.
How To Fix It: Instead of attempting to make a show out of this horrible mess, just literally air Seinfeld, which had 76.3 million viewers in its last episode, which is slightly less than thirty-five (freakin’ thirty-five) times the viewers Mulaney gets each week. Even though they probably won’t be able to get them to make new episodes, just air reruns like TBS does for 20 out of the 24 hours a day. Then at least you won’t have wasted as much time and money on something that’s already been done.
Mulaney Sundays at 9:30 p.m. on FOX
Bad Judge • Thursdays at 9 p.m. on NBC Summary: Rebecca Wright is a judge. But that’s not all. She’s also a heavy-drinking, promiscuoussex-having, and scofflawing mess in her personal life. Oh, we get it. Because she’s a judge, so she is supposed to be able to make good judgments, but she isn’t. Plus, since we’re watching the show, it will really be the viewer who is judging her. How clever. Ratings: Viewership has fallen from 5.84 million to 4.39 million.
How to Fix It: Judge Reinhold, the older brother from Fast Times At Ridgemont High and the close talker from Seinfeld, has come on hard times due to his recently-stagnat acting career. In an act of desperation, he decides to become a male prostitute. After initial struggles, he finds that there are a plethora of middle-aged women willing to pay nearly any price to feel like they are in the 80s and young again; and sleeping with him does exactly that. Everything is going great until, in a very 80s plot twist, he contracts AIDS, which puts his livelihood, and morals, to the test.
have dropped to 3.82 million weekly. How to Fix It: An elderly man who is lonely after being widowered by his late wife decides to enlist his young neighbor to teach him how to use technology in order to make new friends and find a new, younger wife. Over the course of their teachings, a bond is formed between the two neighbors, who begin to manipulate their technological prowess to trick beautiful women into going out with them, mostly through the use of cleverly-angled and extremely-filtered selfies.
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