The Black Sheep
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Volume 3
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 7
A Fresh Thanksgiving at GVSU Logan Bailey wrote this Well, it looks to be that time of year again, Lakers – the Thanksgiving season is upon us! That means a five-day weekend, way too much November snow, and a shit-ton of cramming before finals. Although we’re all really just counting the cold days until Christmas break, we can’t deny how excited we are for that turkey dinner. We all know the week leading up to our second-to-third favorite holiday is when our leaders here at GVSU unleash the ultimate Thanksgiving banquet: Fresh’s Thanksgiving dinner. Thanks to the Fresh Food Company, we are able to enjoy a gourmet holiday buffet. Here’s what’s on tap for this remarkable feast:
NONSPECIFIC PROCESSED BIRD PILE:
We all love the smell of a nice, delicious, juicy turkey baking in the oven – there’s simply no denying it. So why not mosey on down to Fresh to steal a sniff of a scrumptious, falling-off-the-ribcage unspecified deli bird? Held together by a creamy processed gelatin byproduct gravy, this dry mound of deli meat is just what the doctor ordered.
MASHED POTATO PASTE:
Every last one of us absolutely loves mashed potatoes. If you don’t, you can F right the heck off. Especially when we’re talking about the oneof-a-kind potato paste offered right here at the Fresh Food Company. If you enjoy mashed French fries and tater tots soaked in water and held together by 30Ibs of margarine, Fresh has what you’re looking for! Not to mention it works great as an adhesive – bon-appetite Lakers.
JACKED UP-O-PIE:
Ah yes, dessert! Just about everyone loves dessert. And nothing screams “Thanksgiving” like a piping-hot pumpkin pie with its sweet crumbling crust, spiced filling, two dollops of whipped cream, and a sprinkle of cinnamon to top it off. But you haven’t lived until you’ve tried Fresh’s delectable and local jack-o-lantern pie. Fermented pumpkins stolen straight from the Greek houses’ front lawns baked on top of a deliciously salty tortilla chip crust. It simply doesn’t get any better than that, Lakers.
CRANBERRY SAUCE:
Just the usual can of lumpy cranberry sauce for your eating pleasure. Even they can’t screw this one up.
INDISCRIMINATE CASSEROLE:
Not everyone is a fan of a chunky green bean slop, it’s just a fact of life. Unless, of course, we’re talking about Fresh’s corn-and-Funyun casserole. Instead of foul-smelling onions and soggy green beans, Fresh has crafted a mouth-watering corn dish thanks to the 50,000 acres of
grain surrounding campus. The crumbly goodness of the top Funyun layer makes for the perfect side dish.
THE LAKER BOWL – HOLIDAY EDITION:
One does not dare forget about the GVSU classic – Laker Bowl Thanksgiving Edition. Rather than a chicken, corn, and potato bowl, Fresh has crafted a special and conveniently compact holiday bowl. Stuffed full of turkey, potato paste, cranberry sauce, and loads of corn – the
Thanksgiving Laker Bowl is the hastily-mushed-together meal you’ve always wanted. So if you find yourself too low on money to make that long haul back home for the holiday, remember, Fresh has got you covered for a meal plan or $8 to dine-in. Thanks to the innovative cooking styles, we get to enjoy the ultimate Thanksgiving meal. Be sure to thank them for this delicious banquet, Lakers, we have a lot to give thanks for.
PAGE 5
PAGE 10
PAGES 12-13
TOP 10: WAYS TO STAY WARM IN SNOWPOCALYPSE 2014
A HOLIDAY DECORATING GUIDE FOR BROKE LAKERS EVERYWHERE
HOW TO AVOID THE WORST QUESTIONS YOU’LL BE ASKED AT THANKSGIVING
TAKE A TIP FROM THE HOBOS, MY FRIENDS.
WE DO NOT CONDONE STEALING, BUT PERHAPS BORROWING.
JUST MEMORIZE THESE ANSWERS AND KEEP TOPPING OFF YOUR WINE.
FOLLOW US @THEBLACKSHEEPGV NOVEMBER 20th, 2014 - DECEMBER 3rd, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Claire Fisher
SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Meghan Dooley
EDITORIAL MANAGER Rachel McLaughlin
CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham
ADVERTISING MANAGERS Maya Campbell, Brooks O’Brien
OWNER Atish Doshi
WRITERS Julie Nichols, Mike Lamberti Shardae Rudel, Jeff Perry Teresa Williams, Abigail Dewstow Alison Tazelaar
FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Logan Bailey
OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900
DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.
QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com
This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.
ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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TAKE-OUT • DELIVERY • DINE-IN
Discover Mexico at GVSU with Our Daily Specials! MON. & WED. & FRI. Sam’s Famoso Burritos $5 with Drink Purchase
TUES. & THURS.
$0.99 Tacos with Drink Purchase (Beef or Chicken, limit 10)
All Week Student Special: $4.99 Mexican Burgers with Drink purchase
Open for breakfast, lunch and dinner! 6031 Lake Michigan Dr. (60th and Lake Michigan Dr., in front of Grand Coney) Monday - Saturday: 11am-8pm • 616-892-3829 Like us on Facebook or Ask about Sam’s Loyalty Program Cards
PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?
TO KILL SOME TIME.
BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
“Damn, these headphones suck!
THE FRENCH RIPPER
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
WORD of the WEEK
BARTOGRAPHY To produce a map that shows the location of bars in one’s city.
Ryan’s attempt at bartography was noble, but all the bars in his college town were on the same street.
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Developed “Captain’s Reserve” coffee brand.
2
Born in Bothell, Washington.
3
Died in 2010.
# # #
PLAY WITH US! @THEBLACKSHEEPGV
PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
CONSUMERISM
GV Bookstore Refuses to Participate in Black Friday Teresa Williams wrote this
As stores begin setting up for the Black Friday rush, Grand Valley’s University Bookstore is taking a different approach to the craze. Instead of lowering prices, they’re increasing them. “We’ve never participated in Black Friday before, and we don’t intend to,” said manager Kevin Sanders. “At least not the way everyone else does. Just for the day, prices are going to jump up.” When asked about the change, Sanders sighed heavily. “After last year’s incident, we decided it was the only option,” he said. “We can’t afford another situation like that.” Last year, a student came into the store on Black Friday and started aggressively yanking things off shelves and stuffing them into a cart he brought from Target, as the bookstore baskets just weren’t big enough. “It was so confusing. He ran in
and started tossing things into a cart that didn’t even belong to us,” employee Jessica Reynel explained. “He didn’t even really stop to look at anything he was buying. We asked him if he needed any help, but he just grunted and kept going.” Mark Carlsberg, the aggressive shopper, had nearly $3,000 worth of product by the time he finished his mad spree. Items in his cart included a laptop, tablet, and 500 pens. Jessica, who’d been his cashier, hesitantly rang everything up. She told The Black Sheep she’d tried to make small talk with Carlsberg. “I asked him if he found everything okay, and he said yes. He told me he was shocked to see no one else was here taking advantage of the ‘sweet deals.’ I had no idea what he meant, so I asked him. He looked at me like I was stupid. He said it was Black Friday, which meant that everything was discounted. I told him we had no discounts
and he demanded to speak to a manager, so I had Kevin come out. When Kevin told him the same thing, things got really bad.” Neither Kevin nor Jessica felt comfortable going into too much detail about what happened. The bookstore was closed down for a few weeks to make repairs to flipped-over cases and smashed cash registers. The Black Sheep was unable to get an interview with Carlsberg. When called and asked, Carlsberg muttered, “Not again with this bullshit” and hung up. This year, jackets which were previously $30 will be marked up to $59.99. Pencils, erasers, and paper clips are going for $10 a pop. Of course, the bookstore still maintains considerations to students’ financial hardships. “The jackets were originally marked up to $60. But we decided we couldn’t be that cruel. So we brought the price
Where Do the Sent Printed Files Go? Alison Tazelaar wrote this
down,” Kevin told us. “You’re welcome.” The bookstore will also be distributing “coupons” to students. These coupons, made out of construction paper, are more for emotional support than financial help. They say
things like “you’re beautiful,” “you deserve to be happy,” and the most heartfelt of all: “this is the system of capitalism you were born into and will continue to slave in to prove your worth as a person.” Kevin showed us a few examples he made by stealing his little cousin’s arts and craft
Grand Valley has made great strides to help students expedite the printing process in the computer labs around campus by making it possible to email your document from any computer straight to the printer. The benefits are endless: no lines, no waiting for a computer to open up, no scaling staircases with the hopes of getting the last computer available on the 3rd floor. Now it’s as simple as scanning your ID and waiting for your document to print! But…what if it doesn’t? Some students have been reporting issues with the printer not doing its one damn job. The Conspiracy Club at GVSU has come up with a few theories to explain this strange phenomenon: Printer Elves/goblins/gnomes are close cousins to the species that live in your dryer and steal your socks, but these creatures decide whether or not you should be able to get to class on time. By stealing your hot, freshly-printed essay off the tray before you can blink they get to watch as your stupid human brain tries to figure out where your homework went. Sure, you’re bigger and taller than they are, but what are you going to do? Yell at the printer? Just try that, see how long it takes until you get carried off by professionals. T. Haas saw you cheating off Becky and wanted to shut that shady shit down. This university is a place of honor, and justice will be served. But instead of embarrassing you in front of that cutie in the printing room, he just hijacked the printer and forbade you from turning in your plagiarized garbage essay. You know what you’ve done, don’t even act surprised. T. Haas
supplies. If you happened to be around campus for Black Friday, try and swing by the bookstore. You won’t be able to buy anything, but at least you can stare longingly at all the items you don’t need anyway.
is just trying to help you be your best. The National Security Agency (NSA) is using the printers to get information about students on campus. The documents that don’t print from the campus printers go straight to Obama’s printer. Are you printing any illegal PowerPoints? Are professors assigning the right required readings? The NSA is watching all of us, and the printers are a perfect way of monitoring what is of importance to the student body of GV. Robots actually run the IT department and not people. Wondering why your tuition went up? Robots. Those rumors about having to pay for printing? Robots! “But,” you say, “if they’re all robots why are the printers not working? Robots don’t make mistakes!” All we can do is remind you that if they never made mistakes, we’d have caught on faster. The printers don’t always print your documents because if everything ran smoothly there would be no “human error,” way too risky. Way too suspicious. You are entering the Twilight Zone and do not need your papers. There are more important things like aliens and robot attacks. Similar to an episode of Doctor Who, the Twilight Zone is a far more scary, mindbending, world-altering experience. Congrats. You’re in it. Our advice? Welcome our technological overlords. Clearly your papers, PowerPoints, and (plagiarized) research have a higher purpose. Something. It’s gotta be something. Who are you to question the printers?
CAMPUS FASHION
THE TOP TEN
Ways to Stay Warm in Snowpocalypse 2014
While some people are saying, “it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas,” Lakers are singing a different tune. It’s that time of year again to start prepping for the upcoming winter storms. “But I don’t know where to start!” you cry, pathetically. Have no fear! The Black Sheep has some tips for you to help battle winter weather. 10.) Line your coats with hand warmers: When you have to make the trip from Kirkhof to Fieldhouse in Siberian weather, a few packs of hand warmers properly squished and properly applied will save you from needing amputation due to frostbite. 9.) Get a “warming buddy”: In the most desperate of times you and someone near you may be on the verge of becoming colder than Walt Disney’s corpse. Turn on R. Kelly’s “Bump n’ Grind” and embrace the body heat, baby.
What Your November Wardrobe Says About You Shardae Rudel wrote this
8.) Collect hair for a knitted sweater: Who doesn’t like hand-knit sweaters? Who knew something so unique and ugly could make you feel so warm? Just follow one of the long-haired sorority girls with a lint roller and start gathering up hair like GVSU squirrels do acorns. You’ll don a creepy crochet in no time. 7.) Buy liquor: Have you ever heard someone who has had a few drinks complain about being cold? Neither has anyone else. Some cheap 5 O’Clock vodka would do wonders in giving you that warm tingling sensation during the Snowpocalypse. 6.) Get a metal trash can for a hobo fire: There’s a reason why the homeless warm their hands over these in every TV show and movie. Start gathering wood near the Ravines and snag some quality aluminum cans, you’re on your way to having a good ol’ bumfire that’d make your grandpa proud.
November is like puberty. No one really likes it or knows how to deal with it, but it’s still there, like an unwelcome itch or GV’s general education program. Because of this confusion, November is also home to a myriad of different fashion trends exhibited by college students that range from the obscure to just plain laughable. Here is a quick guide to see if you (yeah, you) are one of the culprits and what your fashion choices this fall say on your behalf. Ugg Boots: Ugg boots are to college girls during autumn as Crocs are to moms by the pool during summer. Chances are if you wear Uggs, you’re also wearing leggings or skinny jeans as well as some overpriced jacket brand. You prefer Starbucks over Biggby and pumpkin spice over peppermint mocha, but you take great pride in this. While no one can deny how comfortable you look, you still risk being part of the mob of basic bitches who aim to take over the world. But hey, whatever works. Basketball Shorts: There are two types of people who wear shorts during late fall or early winter: Yoopers and guys who want to prove their manliness. If you wear shorts when it’s not short weather, you’re also one of the guys who wear muscle shirts outside of the gym. You enjoy protein shakes and actually using your student ID for free trips to the Rec Center. Here’s a tip for you: people aren’t looking at you because they admire your bravery, they’re wondering when you’ll collapse from the hypothermia. Winter Coat: If you’re wearing a puffy winter jacket when it’s 40 degrees out, you’re not from around here. Maybe you’re from the east side of Michigan or even from out of state. Here in West Michigan, November’s 40-degree wind chills are nothing compared to what’s just around the corner, and veterans of GV’s campus
are painfully aware of this. Premature winter coat wearing is a dead giveaway of your blissful unawareness and it is just so cute. It’ll be a shame when all of your hopes and dreams of seeing the sun again are crushed. Now you’re truly a Grand Valley student. Week-Old Sweatpants: If you’re sporting sweatpants, chances are A) they’re the same ones you’ve been wearing all week and B) you haven’t showered today. While there’s no shame in this (au-natural is a highly admirable trait in some loser cultures), there’s still a line between being a lazy college student and forgetting personal hygiene. Sometimes you just have to sacrifice comfort for practicality and substitute your Lakers sweatpants for a pair of jeggings once in a while. Varsity Jacket: If you wear a varsity jacket, you’re either a GV athlete or want to act like you are. Other than being an obvious sports fan, you walk with a slight strut because swagger and varsity jackets are apparently a package deal. You were hot shit in high school and purchased your jacket to guarantee that same treatment in college. You have your old class shirt tucked away in your dresser drawer with a cutesy nickname your teammates gave you. Perk up, John-o. Things will get better. Just give it time.
Do you see a little bit—or a lot—of yourself in this list? Well, November’s cold, so feel free to take whatever article it is that got you in this mess and burn it for warmth. Oh, so now you’re naked, huh? What? Do you expect us to solve all of your problems?
5.) Turn your stove on and hang the door open: If an open fire doesn’t cut it, or you’re too scared to have a good time, the next best thing is to crank up your oven to 450 degrees and swing that door open like you grew up in a barn. And hey, when the energy bill shows up, burn it in the oven. Free heat! 4.) Grab every winter wear item in the lost and found: If someone‘s dumb enough to leave their Columbia sweater in the Mary Idema Pew Library, you’d be a fool not to grab it and enjoy the overpriced fleece. Who are you? An economically-efficient consumer, that’s who. 3.) Build a fortress in the library reading room: When it comes to being comfortable in arctic weather, making a room with one of the largest fireplaces in the state your personal lair is totally acceptable. Barricade yourself in a cubby and make it your own personal igloo. 2.) Develop a drug addiction: Every heroin addict on the planet describes opiate usage as giving a warm sensation. What’s it matter if you miss a few days weeks of showering when you’re chasing that white dragon? 1.) Line your house with Saran wrap: Our nana does this and her house is as warm as her chocolate chip cookies fresh from her oven (which is also wide open warming the house). Just learn from grandma’s mistakes and make sure you put the wrap inside the house instead of outside the house. Jeff Perry wrote this
PARTY PICS!
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What could Grand Valley give you for Thanksgiving that you’d be thankful for?
LAUREN, SENIOR “Free coffee during finals week.”
MEGAN, SOPHOMORE “A puppy.”
ANDY, SOPHOMORE “That the school could make really good food for one day.”
06
AROUND CAMPUS
Mike Lamberti wrote this While GVSU was busy arguing over the new bike path, the rest of the university was begging them to make some room for the equally mighty, yet far more radical, longboard. Due to the lobbying of longboard-enthusiast Chad McFadden, the university has not only agreed to install longboard paths, but to install a bevy of other features that make life easier for the boarder on the go. In regards to his victory, McFadden said, “Yeah, it’s cool, but please don’t refer to me as an ‘enthusiast’ of anything. It makes me sound like I wear a fanny pack.” The path will run alongside the forthcoming bike paths, but will also be 15-20 feet wide to accommodate “some mad carving,” according to McFadden. “Yeah, the board is only about a foot wide, but a boarder needs at least fifteen, sometimes twenty, feet of berth to control their speed properly,” said Bill Polard, McFadden’s longboard researcher and GVSU junior. Normal skateboards only need a few feet of space, and a skateboard path might save some resources and trees, but according to Polard’s research, “That shit’s lame” and “No one cares.” McFadden also plans on using bird’s-eye footage of the S-carves made by longboarders going down the path to construct a waveform that’ll produce a sound “sicker than any drop you probably know,
scrub.” In order to maintain the path, GVSU will construct toll booths at various intervals, though they won’t be collecting cash. Longboarders will be required to fist-bump a clerk at each checkpoint, who will then record how enthusiastically and with what technique that longboarder bumped fists. Polard explained the system: “Different styles account for different values. Classic bump, no hand explosion? Good for one checkpoint. Full-on punch, hand explosion, PLUS sound effects? My man, you get to ‘board in the fast lane.” High fives will not be accepted, because, according to McFadden, “The high-five sold out when everyone learned the elbow trick.” Other methods of paying for the path include the installation of Monster Energy drinking fountains. McFadden was excited about the fountains, saying, “It’s really great of Monster to sponsor the pathway. There’s a kind of lifestyle we want to advocate that involves a lot of Monster Energy Drink and pizza.” Despite lobbying from GVSU contract holders with Papa John’s, the the pizza stops by the fountains will unfortunately not feature their new Fritos Chili Pizza because “Even pop-punk has standards.” The feature McFadden raved about the most is not visible at first glance. Certain panels in the path
will have hydraulics under them that will push that panel up like a ramp if the longboarder is going fast enough when they pass a sensor. To illustrate, McFadden displayed a video in which he jumps on his longboard, bolts down the path, and triggers a ramp. He hit the ramp full speed, was flung from his board, and just as the check from Monster fell out of his pocket, he abruptly closed the video, and said, “Well, you get the idea.”
Sophomore longboard enthusiast Lyndsie King also gave her opinion on the path: “It’s a great time for our university, but you really need to work on that ‘enthusiast’ thing. Nobody likes that. Even stamp collectors call themselves ‘collectors.’” Regardless, longboard enthusiasts will soon be able to get in everyone’s way with more efficiency and speed than ever before.
PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
GVSU to Install Longboard Paths #Bruh
NEW THIS FALL! • Mac n’ Cheese Bites • Mozzarella Stix • Onion Rings
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11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits
Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees
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$2 Domestic Pints Noon-6 $5 Bulldozers and $3 Long Islands
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Sunday Funday - NFL Ticket $3 Flavored Vodka, $2 Wells $2 Domestics DJ Laud-E after 9pm
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Mug Club Night! Open 4pm - 12am: $2 Tier 1 + Tier 2 and 1/2 Off Burgers and Handhelds for Mug Clubber Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine
2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Michigan Monday, $3 select Michigan drafts
Toxic Trivia from 9-11pm $2 Wells, $2 Domestics $1 Off Michigan Beers $2 Fireball
$3.99 Margaritas Fried Pickle Chips
Tuesday
Local Night! $2 Tier 1 + $3 Tier 2 Beers from 4pm - 12am Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine
2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Tipsy Tuesday, $3 draft of our beer geek’s choice
Beat the Clock Specials Starting at 8 til Midnight $2 Wells All Night DJ Keller Shaw
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Open Mic with Karate Scotty $1.50 Retro Cans, $2 Drink Specials
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SPECIAL NIGHT
Thursday
Wednesday
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The Bar Grid 21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10
21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10
Happy Hour! 4-6pm Monday - Friday, 2-6pm Saturday & Sunday: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria
SPECIAL NIGHT
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Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria
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Happy Hour 2-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria
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Rehab Brunch and Shit Show! $5 Build Your Own Bloody Mary bar from Noon to 5pm 1/2 off Jameson and $1 off Perrin and Founders Draft, Barfly ½ off night
Sunday
Happy Hour 4-7! Team Trivia 7-9! $3 Drafts 7-9PM, $3 Calls 9-12AM
$4 Tall Craft Brews $1 Off All Burgers
Karaoke at 9pm $1.75 Bartender’s Choice Shots ...and many other great drink and food specials!
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Monday
Happy Hour 4-7! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM
$2 Wells, $3 Tall Bud Light
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Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria
Tuesday
Happy Hour 4-7! Open Mic Night! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM
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Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria
Wednesday
Happy Hour 4-7, Mon-Fri $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks $2 Off Apps
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Employee Handbook 2014
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PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
HOLIDAZE
A Holiday Decorating Guide for Broke Lakers Everywhere Julie Nichols wrote this As the clock struck midnight on November 1, a strange wind swept across Grand Valley’s Campus. It signaled that Halloween was out and the holidays were in. You want to get into the spirit of the season, but you spent your last $5 on leftover Halloween candy (excellent choice), so you need a little help. Have no fear! Here are some tips from The Black Sheep to help you decorate on the cheap this winter season.
Pore Over Pinterest: Have you ever seen a craft tutorial on the internet and thought: “I could do that”? The good news is you probably could after three hours of crying and half a bottle of wine. So, browse Pinterest for some simple craft projects from brains of young, white mothers. Don’t know where to start? Try homemade candle making. All you have to do is collect your earwax and mold it into festive holiday candles, perfect for any celebration. If
your own body’s production of earwax isn’t enough, borrow a friend’s earwax. It’s a perfectly normal thing to do.
When in Doubt, Use Duct Tape: As far as anyone’s concerned, duct tape might as well be a holiday in and of itself. And, honestly, who wouldn’t worship this gift to mankind? When you put on your “creative cap,” duct tape can literally be used to decorate any household object. Want a festive refrigerator? Duct tape. Sick of how your ceiling refuses to participate in the holidays? Stick some duct tape up there. The best thing about D.T. is that it even comes in holiday patterns and colors from turkeys to candy canes and even some menorahs (maybe). So, wrap everything in duct tape, including your cat so she can celebrate too. Who knew Mittens celebrated Kwanza?
Let Mother Nature Inspire You: During the transition between fall and winter, nature slows down a bit and covers her ground in snow. Likewise, Mother Nature’s bugs will soon be dead, and, believe it or not, beetles make excellent holiday decorations. Before your holiday season gets too hectic, take the time to collect some dead beetles and paint them with festive nail polish. Glittery nail polish is especially nice and adds just a hint of sophistication. At this point you may be asking, “What do I do with my pretty, dead bugs?” Well, just about anything you want! The Black Sheep suggests arranging your beetle corpses into fun holiday images like the Star of David or your uncle when he’s eaten too much turkey. BOOM! Thanksgiving centerpiece.
Mooch Off of Everyone: Truly, nothing says “Merry/Happy *insert whatever holiday you celebrate*” like low-key stealing. Thankfully, it’s that time of the year where for at least a solid two weeks, people care about homeless people and poor kids. So, by all means, no one will care if you, say, “borrow” a Christmas tree, or “rent” corn husk stalks from a local farmer. And, of course, don’t forget about your neighbors. Bring them a nice fruitcake
and they’ll have to let you inside their house. Then, when they go to put said fruitcake directly into the trash, it’s the perfect opportunity to plug in your holiday lights with an extension cord. ‘Tis the Season! We hope we helped. The holiday season can be a little hectic, but with a little gumption, some elbow grease, and a whole lot of ear wax, you can truly make this holiday season one your stalking victim will remember forever.
Black Sheep
Takeover! Friday, November 21st at Mully’s
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Games & Contests Free Stuff Drink Specials
ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 7 ou
1) Movies: November 5th’s Interstellar is directed by whom?
6) The Human Body: What does “subcutaneous” mean?
2) Thanksgiving: Traditionally, where was the first Thanksgiving celebrated?
7) Currency: The krone is the primary currency used by two countries. Name one.
3) Literature: What literary collection features such as “Aladdin’s Wonderful Lamp” and “The Seven Voyages of Sinbad the Sailor”?
8) Sports: Who recently passed Brett Favre for most NFL passing touchdowns of all time?
4) Food: Similar to flour, masa is made from ground what?
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9) Fads of the 1990’s: Huge in the mid-1990’s, Beanie Babies were manufactured by what brand?
5) History: Who shot Lee Harvey Oswald outside the Dallas Police Headquarters on November 4th, 1963?
10) Fashion: What clothing brand features an open-mouthed crocodile as its logo?
Oindrila’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) No idea 2) Somewhere out east... Plymouth? 3) 1,001 Nights 4) Corn! 5) Jack Ruby 6) Under the skin 7) Norway, Denmark 8) I don’t know American football 9) I wasn’t here in the 1990’s 10) Lacoste
1) Christopher Nolan 2) Plymouth or Plymouth Colony 3) 1,001 Nights 4) Corn 5) Jack Ruby 6) Under the skin 7) Norway, Denmark 8) Peyton Manning 9) Ty 10) Lacoste
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A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE
HOW TO AVOID THE
WORST
QUESTIONS
YOU’LL BE ASKED AT
THANKSGIVING KATELIN HOWELL WROTE THIS
hanksgiving is a special holiday that brings the whole family together to celebrate football, eating and being thankful for all the things we have in our lives. Thanksgiving is also a time when family members you see maybe twice a year ask college students the “typical” college questions. The Black Sheep brings you the most typical questions you hear around the smorgasbord of food, and how to walk the line with your response. Remember, you’re not lying, you’re just telling a modified truth.
Question: “Are you seeing anyone special?” Who’s Asking It: Your aunt on your dad’s side. Why It’s Asked: Closed-minded family members are worried you’re gay until you get married. What You Should Say: “You know, I’m just so busy with classes that it seems almost impossible to make time for a significant other. I barely have time to make time for myself, let alone someone else.” What You Really Mean: “It takes too much effort to impress someone of the opposite sex at 8 a.m., and that’s just something I can’t handle on a daily basis. The closest relationship I have right now is with Netflix.”
Question: “Are you working at all?” Who’s Asking It: Your uncle on your mom’s side. Why It’s Asked: Your family wants you to have real-life experiences instead of just going to classes. What You Should Say: “School is really my full-time job, and I’m okay with that. I’ve had some jobs here and there to get some spending money, but I definitely need to focus on my schoolwork more.” What You Really Mean: ”If someone would be willing to hire me for the 90 minutes between me getting home for class and me heading out to hang out with friends, I’d have a job.”
Question: “How are things in that fraternity/sorority of yours?” Who’s Asking It: Your aunt who was in a sorority during her college years. Why It’s Asked: Greek life was different back in the day, but they don’t realize that. What You Should Say: “It’s great! I’ve met a lot of people through philanthropy parties and mixers and I’ve really enjoyed that aspect of it.” What You Really Mean: “Yes, I’ve met a lot of people but I was drunk 98 percent of the time, so I wouldn’t be able to point them out if they were in this room with us right now.”
Question: “How’s that 4.0 coming?” Who’s Asking It: Your 25-year-old cousin who just graduated from law school. Why It’s Asked: Because it’s actually important to get good grades. What You Should Say: “Oh, it’s going really well. I’m working really hard to keep up the As. One day you’ll be working for me!” What You Really Mean: *Uncontrollable laughter* “You’re kidding, right?”
Question: “What do you want to do with an [insert major here] degree?” Who’s Asking It: Your grandmother on your mom’s side. Why It’s Asked: Life was simpler in the olden days and they can’t imagine how an apparel studies major is a real thing. What You Should Say: “I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I’d like to achieve with this degree, but as graduation draws near I’m sure the classes I’ll be taking will prepare me for exactly what I want out of the path I’ve chosen.” What You Really Mean: “Honestly I have no idea what the hell I want to do. Hopefully something here will point me in the right direction. I’ll take whatever job I’m lucky enough to get after I graduate. Can you believe apparel studies is a thing?”
Question: “You’re not getting into all those drugs now, right?” Who’s Asking It: A different uncle on your dad’s side. With a wink. Why It’s Asked: Because they remember college in the 80s. What You Can Say: “I’ve been to parties where there have been drugs around. They way people act while on drugs looks so crazy, I don’t know how people do it regularly.” What You Really Mean: “I’ve done drugs at some of those parties and I act just as crazy as everyone else. Once, I woke up in our school’s fountain in the middle of campus with no pants. I have no idea how I got there. I actually don’t know how people do it regularly.”
Question: “How was the…” *another family member interrupts you* “What a cock-block, am I right?” Who’s Asking It: Your 54-year-old uncle on your mom’s side who tries to act like he’s 19. Why It’s Asked: You’re not really sure what just happened here. What You Should Say: “I’m sorry, what were you gonna say?” What You Really Mean: “What… um… I’m sorry, did you just say cock-block to me?”
Question: “What has been your favorite experience at college so far?” Who’s Asking It: Your dad. Why It’s Asked: This is a trick question to see what kinds of activities you’ve been up to. What You Should Say: “Meeting people who share the same interests as me has been great. I love hanging out with people who accept me and who like to do the same things as me.” What You Really Mean: “Meeting people like me who like to party like me and get as drunk as me. That’s been my favorite experience so far.”
Question: “What are parties like in college?” Who’s Asking It: Your 14-year-old cousin who looks up to you. Why It’s Asked: Little ones are curious about everything. What You Should Say: “They’re not like what you see in the movies. People don’t pass out on the roof and get wild until 4 a.m. Don’t believe everything you see.” What You Really Mean: “It’s a rarity for someone to make it to the roof before they pass out. I did see a girl throw up in her own hair at a Halloween party though, and it wasn’t because she ate too much candy.”
Question: “How are you feeling about the economy? Did you vote in the midterm election?” Who’s Asking It: Your Democratic uncle on your dad’s side. Why It’s Asked: Because you are the future. What You Can Say: “I really think our economy needs some help, but Obama is doing the best he can in his position. But no, I did not vote in the midterm election because I felt like I didn’t have enough knowledge on the candidates in my state.” What You Really Mean: “I really hate everything about politics, but I don’t want to go into a four-hour discussion with you on something that I don’t care about.”
Question: “Have you found a church at your school?” Who’s Asking It: Your very conservative grandmother on your mom’s side. Why It’s Asked: If you don’t go to church while in college, according to your conservative grandmother, you’re going to hell. What You Should Say: “There are lots of churches around campus, but usually I spend my Sunday mornings studying or catching up on some sleep.” What You Really Mean: “I usually rage too hard Saturday night so I physically can’t get out of bed before 1 p.m.”
Question: “You better graduate on time! Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know.” Who’s Asking It: Your grandfather on your dad’s side. Why It’s Asked: You’re making your parents poor, and they keep asking your grandparents for money. He’s pissed about it. What You Should Say: “I definitely know how expensive it is! I love college though. It’s been a great experience and it’s going to be really hard leaving it one day.” What You Really Mean: “I’m literally never going to leave college ever.”
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ACROSS: 1) Tom Ford is famous for the turnaround of which fashion company? 3) Tommy Pickles is a character on which Nickelodeon show? 4) Tom Anderson was your first friend on this social networking site. 8) Tom Hanks won his first Academy Award for his role in which film? 9) THOMAS is a database in the United State Congress of what kind of information? 10) The 3rd President of the United States, Thomas who? 11) The 4th album by The Who. 15) Jean Ralphio’s friend Tom in Parks and Recreation. 16) Rotten Tomatoes is a website devoted to what? (two words) 18) Tom Arnold is famous for being married to who? 19) Tom Cruise’s real last name is this. DOWN: 2) Tom and Jerry is a show based on what two animals? 4) Tom Brady played football for which university?
5) Tom Riddle is which character in Harry Potter? 6) Tom Petty's band. 7) This Thomas is a famous painter from the 1700s. 12) Tom Yorke is the lead singer of this band. 13) Perhaps Mark Twain’s most famous character, two words. 14) This Thomas invented the light bulb, amongst many other things. 17) A popular company, owned by Entenmann’s, that makes English muffins.
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