IL Fall Issue 1 - 8/23/12 by The Black Sheep

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Volume 21, Issue 1 8/23/12 - 8/29/12

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O Alma, Where Art Thou? Kitty Kat wrote this

Coming back to school this year as a junior I felt like I knew it all; everything for me was going pretty smoothly. I had a steady job, good grades, a sweet boyfriend, and this nice little gig at The Black Sheep to boot. I was ready to grab this year by the horns and ride it like it’s never been laid before. It wasn’t until I was taking a typical stroll down Green Street as soon as I got back when a not-sotypical feeling came over me, one that I haven’t felt since freshman year: unfamiliarity. Something just didn’t seem right... My first thought was that all I needed was a drink. After a summer filled with little-to-no alcohol consumption at home, every apartment and bar sign was just begging me to toss some back. I guess you could say I was going through a bit of a "withdrawal." But even after a couple keg stands and macho mug chugs at the volleyball house, there was still an emptiness inside. Determined to figure out what was wrong with me, I picked up some Keystone from The Den and headed back to my apartment, hoping to relive those good ol’ pregaming days that I knew I would be back to very shortly. After about ten beers and a couple uncontested pong matches, I still felt the awkwardness from before, along with slight nausea. I wasn’t the only person feeling this either (both the nausea and the strangeness). Both of my roommates felt uncomfortable as well. This could also have stemmed from accidentally seeing me dancing naked in my room that night, but I’m pretty sure it was deeper than that. Even when we walked around campus, devouring some Beef Stand and Zorba’s to bring back the old days, all the other students seemed depressed too. We even overheard one kid on the phone, crying to his parents, “It’s just not the same. This feels worse than Grandma Karen’s death last month.” And then it hit me. I stumbled back out to the corner of Wright and Green, and off in the darkness, there it was. Or, there it wasn’t, I guess. The hole. The Alma Mater was gone. It felt almost as awkward and uncomfortable as the gummy gap left behind after losing a tooth. I couldn’t look away. Campus just didn’t have that motherly feel anymore. All I could think about was how I’d have this depressed

ye olde welcome week

feeling each day this year, when every walk to the Quad would be a little less bronzed and blessed. Knowing something had to be done about this, I rushed back home, fell into the seat at my desk, and pulled out a pen and paper. I figured we need something to temporarily replace our beloved campus icon, and I decided that it was up to me to fill the void. Some may read this and find these options disrespectful of the Alma Mater’s prestigious position, but I promise that my suggestions are much more enthralling and captivating than that gaping hole that remains. Idea #1: McDonald’s Fear not, naysayers! There is plenty of room on the corner of Wright and Green for our very own McDonald’s! It doesn’t take much to run the place if you really think about it. Just a fryer, a grill, and a Parkland dropout. Don’t you have one of those mornings where you’re like, “Damn, I could really go for a McGriddle right now!” And let’s face it, you’re going to look like a dick eating nuggets from Chick-fil-A. For those of you against the whole

what’s inside

idea of fast food chains filled with caloric faux-meat, then maybe we should just open another Starbucks there. You know, like one of those kiosk-sized ones you always see in the malls. After all, it wouldn’t be America without one of those on every other corner. Idea #2: Harry Potter’s Marauder’s Map Yes, it exists. It’d be totally badass to have at our school, and you know it. The Marauder’s Map was a tool Harry used throughout the series to track where certain people were around his school grounds. Imagine we had our very own Champaign-Urbana version set in one of those glassenclosed mall mega-maps. Then you could find the best route to class without running into the greasy, STD-ridden hook up from last night, or your PMS-ing roommate who’s mad about the way you did the dishes this morning. It brings the Facebook and Twitter stalking we love so much of the Internet to the busiest corner on campus. No WiFi password required. Pretty convenient. CONTINUED ON PAGE 19

methods of sisterhood

Getting back into shape

Sir Mixilaut travels from medieval times to enjoy some light mead and such.

Get to know your true self by mirroring other people during sorority rush.

balancing a pbr on your balls has never been so physically daunting.

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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page 5: Overheard in Frat Bathrooms During Rush Week farts, burps, and other hilarious things.

page 6: Not So RSOs

Why not meet some new friends at the Bath Salt Enthusiasts club?

page 8: How to tell if your roommate is a murderer

Creepy stares in the middle of the night? DING DING DING!

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page 9: Where the Fanatic's Talents Should Be Used:

Table of

$200 a semester for "Green Initiative"? WTF?

page 16: Bartenders of the Week:

Taylor from Murphy's got 'dem sweet cheeks and Travis from Firehaus is an ass person... fate?

page 20: Preview: North Coast Music Festival Why you should definitely check out summer's last stand.

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Meet The Staff

Find Us At...

Managing Editor Mike Benson

pr manageRs Abbie. Colin, and Chloe

copy Editor Katelyn Lilly

photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski

Advertising Manager Eric Blokel

campus director Brendan Bonham

distribution Managers Sean Lyman, Pat Hamill

owner Atish Doshi

Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin

Disclaimer

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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word of the week Dilapidating:

Purposely dating a man or a woman of lesser status, solely for the opportunity to manipulate that person.

“Stacy decided to start dilapidating Snaggletooth Mike because she knew she could turn him into her manservant in no time.”

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Overheard in Frat Bathrooms During Rush Week

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kevin hanes wrote this The following conversations take place in real time, inside only the classiest, most lavish bathrooms of the “fine” fraternities of Champaign-Urbana, Illinois. Fortunately, we’ve all been this way at some point. I mean, we all remember our first times, right? 9:45p.m. Can you believe it Erica? We’re here! We’re finally here! This is so awesome. Nothing in high school could ever beat this sticky, piss-stained basement! And oh my gosh, these guys are so nice. They just give you Keystone and jungle juice! Like, for free! Oh you need toilet paper, Rachael? There’s none in there? That’s weird. Okay, let me try and ask someone. I’ll be back. 10:27p.m. Yo Tom, how sick is this!? I’m feeling pretty drunk, how ‘bout you? I don’t even know how many I’ve had. Fuck it. Let’s finish pissing, go back out there, and dominate in some more BP. I’ll grab us a table, you get the beer. 11:33p.m. Wait, what do you mean there isn’t a girls bathroom? This is disgusting, Rachael. There’s still no toilet paper! Is this a joke? Whatever, let’s keep drinking. Some of these guys are creepy, don’t you think? Do you want to leave soon and head over to that Sigma something house? I heard they have a girls’ bathroom. It’s on Fourth Street, right? Or is it on Chalmers? Where are those streets, anyway? 12:08a.m. Austin, Austin, dude I just got a bid! Those dudes out there were talking to me about high school sports, Sperrys, the Six Pack, stuff like that. It was like we were blood relatives! One

thing led to another, and they said I was a pretty chill dude. A few guys took me into the President’s room, had me take some pulls from a bottle of Evan Williams, and they gave me this bid! What do you think I should do? 12:10a.m. Ew, what the fuck?! That kid just puked in there. It’s not even one o’clock yet. What a pussy. Oh, hey Austin. Let’s get out of here. There’s not much alcohol left anyway, and all the girls are starting to look pretty disgusting and sweaty. Wanna grab some road beers though, Tom? We’ll shotgun on Armory by I.T. There’s like, no cops in Champaign, it’s awesome! I’m so glad I didn’t go to ISU! 12:59a.m. Do you think any of the guys notice how sweaty I look? Just go pee Erica, and we’ll leave. I’ll be outside. Do you want me to get you more jungle juice? I finished mine really fast—it’s so good! I wonder how much alcohol is in this. All of these guys seem so friendly! And that one bartender was totally hitting on us! We totally should have gone up to his room with him when he asked. 1:45a.m. Erica, are you still in here? Did you just take a forty-five-minute shit? 2:22a.m. Rachael, are you in here?! Rachael! We promised each other we would stick together. Her phone’s dead too. Dammit…I’m sure she’ll be fine. She can always just call SafeRides. This guy’s going to be mad that he won’t get the threesome I promised him.

2:37a.m. Dear Lord, some dude tore the shit out of this stall. That’s the biggest dump I’ve ever seen! Hey yo Goose, is this your shit? It’s awesome. Not sure why there’s blood all over the floor, though. Hey yo Goose, did you tear up your asshole doing this? 2:45a.m. Fuck my life. Where are my heels? Where’s my purse? Why are all my friends not picking up? Where the hell am I? Why am I still in this bathroom? Why does this always happen to me?

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C-U’s largest Ye Olde Welcome Weeke FOAM PARTY! morgan foster wrote this

Sir Mixilaut, not to be confused with Sir Mixa-lot, is a knight from Elizabethan times who, due to some fairy tale shit, ended up in 2012 where he has decided to attend U of I. 8/23/2012 Dearest Diary, I bear tidings today, diary! I have ne’er seen anything quite like Welcome Weeke. Ere today I had not seen such a merry bunche of students. In my time, students lived as monks, and wenches were not allowed to learn much outside of embroidery and flower growing. Hither, all are welcome. The wenches wear very little, and I find this quite exciting, if thou knowest what I mean. I wandered the campus today upon my steed, searching for a wild boare to hunt. I found none, but stumbled upon the International Student orientation. They took me as one of their own and refreshed me with food and drink. The food was called “pizza.” It was excellent. When I asked for mead, they had nought but a sort of sparkling sap-colored beverage called “Coke.” This made me woeful, as I had not had mead in many a day. I went back to my dwelling early, feeling quite heavy. Tomorrow I must find some mead and a stable for my steed. Aye, I will leave the rhyming to the bards. Adieu, Diary. 8/25/2012 Deare Diary, I did not write to you yesternight because something excellent happened. I spent the day making acquaintances with my roommate, Jared, who is a good sir. He told me, “We are going to to get some 'bitches' tonight.” I knew not where we would keep such dogs in our place of dwelling, but I trusted good sir’s judgment. That night, we attended a carouse, or a "rager" as they call it in these times. People were not angry there, as its name implies. There was an abundance of wenches. They were practically bare-skinned and dancing in an extremely provocative manner. The music was very strange. It was men yelling about “bitches” and currency, with a deep rumbling sound that made the floor

under my armor shake. Jared made sure that I had consumed much ale, a barely acceptable replacemente for mead. He then introduced me to an especially provocative “bitch” whose name is Amanda. She said she enjoyed my costume, and I chortled at her wit. After she rubbed her buttocks all over my chainmail, I decreed that we should go elsewhere so that I might woo her. I wooed her throughout the evening and into the morning. I feel like a changed knight. 8/26/2012 Dearest Diary, I drank much low-quality ale again last night at another “rager.” Amanda was not in attendance. This morn I felt woeful. It was most strange. My brain felt too large for my skull. I surmised that a bout of archery might clear my ailments, so I proceeded to the “Quad.” It was there that the most unfortunate incident happened. I, in my woozy state, missed my target and shot a freshman in the thigh. I hurriedly hid my bowe and arrow behind my armor and fled from the Quad upon my trusty steed. Hopefully the freshman will not figure that it was I who speared him. In the afternoon, there was a gathering of many, many students on the Quad. Jared told me that it was “Quad Day” and that I should “joine some clubs.” Unsure of what this meant, I went to investigate. The Illini LARPing Club immediately welcomed me. They are much like my people in my time! They praised me for my armor and marveled at my steed. I may enjoy 2012 after all!

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8/29/2012 Deare Diary, My days have been so fulle lately that I have not had time to write! The Illini LARPing Club has been following at my feet and treating me like the knight I am. They are most strange at times however. They fight with swords made of a light, soft material! I know not how this protects them from their foes, but I have accepted it nonetheless. I have finally found my place here in the future as Welcome Weeke nears its end.

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Not So RSOs Molly Forrest wrote this

Every college guidebook will tell you that the key to being a college success is to get involved. If taken literally, this statement can encourage some risqué behavior, so universities created Student Unions to separate the wholesome wheat from the sexy chaff. Unfortunately, some groups just didn’t make the cut this year. What a shame; these clubs could have been right up your alley. Hopefully your entire college career isn’t ruined now. The Illini Bath Salt Enthusiasts started off as a club for students with good hygiene who enjoyed long baths, sweet aromas, and Oprah’s Book Club. The organization took a turn for the worse after bath salts were recognized by the FDA as more than a pick-meup. The new recruits were a dirtier bunch who took pleasure in getting weird for a low price and gnawing off the faces of their innocent roommates and Green Street bums. Events like “Finding the Bath Salt for You” turned into giant trips where Poison Control members and police officers became frequent, uninvited guests. The club was officially over when the only motto members could agree upon was, “Bath salts, better in the nude.” Immigrants for Romney was the next organization crossed off the list. Extreme right-wingers were targeting foreign exchange students as a campaign fundraiser for the upcoming election. The song “Relax” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood was used to brainwash students into giving their tuition to the campaign. This operation was shut down when a concerned parent, wondering where their tuition money was going, discovered the trigger to the brainwashing. It turned out their funds were mostly supporting Romney’s ploy to seem more modest, which fit perfectly with their newest campaign slogan “Romney is mor’ man than Obama.” The next club to go was a group of entrepreneurs that went by the name LGBT-fil-A. They had a plan to start up a new restaurant that only served food in

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states where marriages between same sexes were legal. Unfortunately, their menu of nuggets and crisp waffle fries was too similar to the Chick-fil-A, chains and the organization was terminated for legal reasons, a move that was described by LGBT-fil-a as being “totally gay.” Many were upset about the loss of the Fierce Five Fan Club. It was dedicated to the five fabulous female gymnasts representing Team USA in the 2012 London Olympics. The weekly meetings would start off talking about actual routines, but eventually would turn to who was the best looking. Members also spent a lot of time trying to perfect their own workouts to gain the impressive, muscular legs of Gabby Douglas. The group hit a wall, however, when the club roster became mostly forty-something men, and the majority of their budget was going to Vaseline and socks. The club was shut down when “that’s what I love about these Olympic gymnasts, I get older, they stay the same age” and “it’s hot because they look like they’re in fourth grade” became the descriptions of their Facebook group. Students should keep in mind that the Snoop Dogg Alliance is now known as the Snoop Lion Appreciators. Hip-hop will be replaced with reggae, and all music will be family-friendly. Members will also be required to convert to Rastafarianism and will receive a new name upon conversion. A field trip to Jamaica will also be available over winter break for students to get in touch with the lion inside of them. No worries though, “Smoke Weed Everyday” will still be on the t-shirts. The University of Illinois apologizes if any of these organizations were the perfect fit for you. But don’t worry, you can still get involved! Even if you don’t, get yourself in as many pictures as possible, then email them to mom and dad, “proving” to your parents that you are doing something other than drinking with your time. Yeah, right.

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How to Tell If Your Roommate is a Murderer Alex Dimaris wrote this You promised yourself that this was the year you wouldn't have to deal with randomly assigned roommates. But when lease time rolled around you realized once again that you barely have friends and that you also conveniently forgot that you have resolved to “get in like totally killer shape" and "get a boatload of pussy" every year of your life. Alas, you’ve given in and accepted the fact that you’ll be stuck with some stranger in a small two bedroom apartment just off campus for the entire school year. In preparation for this random assignment you have been testing the limits of positive visualization and affirmations in the hopes that your roommate will be a "very open to casual sex" Mila Kunis, which although not impossible, is rather unlikely. Much more likely is the fact that your new roommate will be a super-super-senior majoring in communications and minoring in Busch Light and the smell of his own farts. But far more likely than either of these is that your roommate will be a Chinese sleeper agent sent to gather intelligence on American students and then murder one at random (which with your luck, is obviously going to be you). However, some readers must be thinking to themselves, "But what if my roommate doesn't have a Chinese accent?” This situation is actually a great example of a lesson we all learned as little kids: It doesn’t matter what the person looks like or where he or she is from, anyone could end up being a handful of trouble, just like those damn Sour Patch Kids. They look all cute and innocent, but the next thing you know they’re keying your Mercedes and

banging your girlfriend. And with the way your luck has been going, you’ll probably get stuck with the most charming, murderous lunatic this state has ever seen. Don't fret dear reader, there is simple test you can do to reveal your roommate’s obvious sociopathic tendencies. Step 1: Leave a butcher knife easily accessible on your kitchen counter. Step 2: Go take a shower without locking the door while turning your back towards the curtain. Step 3: Wait patiently to be stabbed to death. This is easily the most foolproof plan to reveal your roommate's secret identity, the one minor drawback being your own death. Obviously you could log some serious "I told you so" minutes as a ghost, but being transparent makes sexual intercourse notoriously difficult. Now, if this first plan doesn't work, there is no reason for you to doubt that your roommate is a murderer. You only need a more elaborate, dangerous test this time around. Go out on to your balcony and walk around the ledge Man On Wire style. All the while be blissfully unaware of what's going on behind you, giving your roommate ample opportunity to sneak up and push you off. Obviously, no plan is perfect and the biggest flaw with his one is that you might slip and kill yourself. The solution to this little mishap is simple: Leave a note in your room detailing all the ways in

which you believe that your roommate is trying to kill you, citing convenient balcony murder as the most likely way. Even better, mysteriously change the benefactor of your will to your roommate one day before a potential incident. The police report practically writes itself. We sincerely hope that none of you have to experience such a terrifying, life-threatening situation anytime soon. Maybe in the future, but not now. Because then all of us students would have to worry about having some serial killer in our midst, and that doesn’t help anyone sleep better at night.

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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

"What is your favorite part of Welcome Week?" "Drinking for seven days straight in a Snuggie." - Sean C., Junior

Where the Fanatics’ Talents Should Really Be Used

Kimberly Ann wrote this All types of fanatics gather on the Quad, ramming their political and religious views down your throat. They hold signs that read “Obama is Satan,” shoving Bibles in the arms of any innocent bystander who happens to glance over or throwing pamphlets about poverty and war in some country you can’t pronounce. Instead of wasting energy chalking out world issues, these overzealous advocates should bring their cause closer to home and protest about stuff that actually affects us students. Is there really a difference between allergies and mono? Yes. You pay to have nurse practitioners ask themselves these types of medical mysteries at McKinley every day, and usually they end up answering incorrectly. Having a reputation of misdiagnosing students more than treating them, its nickname, “McKillme” is well deserved. Due to the volume of students, McKinley operates more like a factory, giving out the same antibiotics for anything from strep to gonorrhea. Even if you care enough about your health to steer clear of McKillme, you still pay for them to misdiagnose and, therefore, not properly treat others’ contagious illnesses, causing you to get sick in the long run. The only thing McKinley is good for is providing cough drops and condoms. Instead of making “informative” pamphlets about the lack of health care in a different country, focus on how you’re paying for treatment at McKinley that sent another person to a real hospital.

Your non-residents of Illinois should be livid. You might be smarter, harder working and an all-around better student than many of your peers, but you pay twice as much as they do just because you aren’t a resident in our great state filled with cornfields and crippling debt. Just think, you’ll graduate with more debt as the Chicago-born idiot down the hall from you who has blacked out more times than he’s gone to class. It’s no surprise that the majority of students would rather spend their free nights at a bar rather than a ballet. The Krannert fee supports programming for performing arts, which is great if you soberly sing and dance; if not, it’s a waste of your money. Unless you feel the sudden urge to fund someone else’s hobby, use the money for cover and a drink rather than making sure the Krannert Center is fully stocked with leotards.

"the only thing mckinley is good for is providing cough drops and condoms."

Many students dish out hundreds of dollars for a crappy parking spot on the opposite end of campus so they won’t have to take a forty-five minute ride on a bus that smells like body odor, listening to some farmer and their baby-momma arguing every time they want to go to the mall. As if the expense of filling your own tank isn’t painful enough, because of the transportation fee you also get to pay to fill the bus’s tank. If you hardly use this service, then you are paying for others to ride a bus that’s rarely on time and that isn’t much cleaner than a frat’s bathroom. That just doesn’t seem right, does it? Instead of forcing everyone to pay a fee, there should just be an option to get a bus pass, saving students fifty bucks and financial frustration.

"Getting balls deep in the new freshmen girls." - Bob M., Junior

The whole "Go Green" movement is also getting out of hand. Earth was functioning just fine before solar powered lights. The sustainable campus environment fee finances "green buildings." Chances are Earth isn’t blowing up in our lifetime, so get a refund for this fee. What the hell is “environmentally responsible purchasing” anyways? Finally, there are three different refundable fees that take money out of your tuition to give out scholarships to your peers. Many will graduate with more debt than their job will be able to quickly pay off. Sorry, paying for someone else’s tuition isn’t an option for most when many students are living off generic cereal and Burnett’s because they’re broke. Consider this a public service announcement. Do yourself a favor: Wait in line at the finance building to get some money back out of someone’s greedy little hands and back into your TCF savings account. All of you energetic protestors with a cause, use your liveliness to save us all some cash and make signs about these piggy-bank emptying fees.

"Free alcohol at all of the frats. Suckers." - Kelsey G., Junior

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The Methods of True Sisterhood: Sorority Rush Michael Rottar wrote this

As a freshman, you are bound to see new and wild things at college that you couldn’t have even imagined at your lame high school basement parties. Following move-in week, you might see hundreds of girls running around campus in heels and dresses. You, my young friend, are witnessing the first stages of sorority rush. If you're a male, I pity you. Fraternity rush is inferior in all manners to sorority rush. Having known a couple of sorostitutes in my day, I’m here to give you an inside look into sorority recruitment’s most effective methods. During the first two days of rush it is the responsibility of the girls who are rushing to make it to 18 different houses in two days. This allows for the rushes to thoroughly understand what each house is all about. Stupid fraternity rush lasts much longer with parties, sober events, and small, intimate chill sessions spread out across several weeks. The 20 minutes spent with each sorority during “First Invite” allows for the rushes to be chanted to and sung at by women in identical outfits, which definitely does not give off a creepy, cult-like vibe. The girls in these houses clearly get to be themselves, as long as that means doing exactly what everyone else is doing. Then the women of each house perform skits based on topical pop culture references. It’s a real hoot! Everyone knows how relevant funny skits are when it comes to deciding whether or not to join a social club that could potentially dominate your four years of college. As rush goes on the girls must narrow their choices down to seven houses. This is called “Second Invite.” The girls begin to understand which house they would fit best in by watch-

ing extremely effective montages and slideshows. “Look, they are all smiling and taking pictures together. I like to smile and take pictures, too! This whole sorority thing really seems like the scene for me.” Again, guys have it all wrong. They actually invite the rushes that they like over to hang out and to see if their personalities fit with those of the active members of the house. Men can’t do anything right! The final stage of the recruitment process before the rushes receive their bids is called “Third Invite.” This is where shit gets serious. You can’t even take a cup of water unless another active does so first. During this part of rush, the senior members of each house come out and read a speech to the rushes, which usually ends in the seniors crying like overly-emotional sad-sacks. Nothing makes people feel more comfortable than watching strangers bawl their eyes out. During fraternity rush, men do stupid things like have the senior members host get-togethers at their apartments to really get to know the rushes they like. With how much time men waste thinking about their penises, it’s no wonder their rush process sucks! The bidding process is probably the thing that really makes sorority rush more successful than fraternity rush. Instead of being up front with the rushes on whether or not she will receive a bid like the fraternities do, the sorority girls like to give all the rushes a false sense of hope. Then, instead of giving out the bids in a small intimate setting that emphasizes the importance of such an event, bids by sororities are handed out on the Quad in envelopes. This allows for maximum embarrassment when girls start crying because they did not a get a bid from the house they wanted.

Man, sorority rush is far superior to the fraternity rush process. Sorority rush allows for enough time to really get to know each house and the girls inside. The events are fun, and really place an emphasis on the rushes and who they are as people. The bidding process is thorough and truly allows for each girl to get a chance at receiving a bid from the house that they fit in with the most. So basically, men are stupid, women are smart. Happy rushing!

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 Thursday, August 30th Clybourne WHITE PARTY White Glowsticks $2 Wells & Bud Light Bottles $3 Top Shelf U Call It $3 Red Bull Vodkas

MONDAY: 80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestics $2 Wells NO COVER

BEN MILLER BAND with NEOGA BLACKSMITH

$2 Wells & Bud Light Bottles $3 EVERYTHING ELSE includes all Import Bottles & Liquor $3 Jager Bombs $3 Red Bull UV Vodka

DJ Wesjile and DJ Kow Spinning at 10PM! House, Mash-Ups, Top 40, Dance, and So Much More!

SANTAH - Live at 930PM! With special guests Canoe Canoe and On Again Off Again

SPECIAL NIGHT

WELCOME BACK! Everyday in August: $3.50 Blue Moon Taps! Fri & Sat in August: $2 Miller Lite Bottles!

THURS 8/23

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

FRI 8/24

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

MACHINE GUN KELLY with PROBCAUSE, CHASE BABY and D WEBB

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jameson $3 UV Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Fireball Whiskey $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans

SAT 8/25

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

SEVEN YEAR EXISTENCE with EMINENT SLAUGHTER and ODE VINTER

$3 Three Olives Vodka $3 Three Olives Bombs $3 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3 Sweet Revenge Shots $3 Bud Light Platinum Bottles

Drink More, Study Less! Ruckus and DJ Belly Spinning Awesome Jams All Night! Special Guest DJs EpilepC and Hey Casey

PUDDLE OF MUDD with SCATHE and THE PRELUDE

WELCOME BACK PARTY Open Sunday Night with Special Guest DJ!

Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Miller Lite Drafts $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas $5 Nacho Plates

80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestics $2 Wells NO COVER

FRIDAY: MACHINE GUN KELLY with PROBCAUSE, CHASE BABY and D WEBB

SUN 8/26

Awesome Back to School Specials...Come On In!

MON 8/27

Mason Jar Monday $3 Double Wells, Double Jack Daniels, Double SoCo, Bud and Bud Lt.

** CLOSED **

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Pinnacle Vodka

TUES 8/28

CRAFT BEER NIGHT $2 Wells $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

OPEN DECKS with TIGORILLA Think you're a DJ? Come spin! $2 Red Bull well drinks No Cover!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Woodbridge Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Tullamore Dew Whiskey $2 Svedka Vodka $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

WED 8/29

$0.15 Wings! 8PM Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jager Bombs

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! Plus, JAMES MOORE in the front room! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

IN WITH ET SIGN S AND G D! R R U A O C 24 H 00 GIFT A $2

Love Where You Live!

We’re Pet Friendly!

A m e n it ie s? We’ve Got ‘Em!

Amazing Location Theater Room Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge Fitness Center | 217.239.2310 | BURNHAM310.COM | 310 E. SPRINGFIELD | IMMEDIATE MOVE INS AVAILABLE!

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT THURS 8/23

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street SAT: FIREHAUS YARD SALE! Noon-5pm in the Beer Garden! Great Deals on: LIQUOR/BEER SIGNS, MUGS, PITCHERS, GLASSWARE & MUCH MORE! Get a Special Edition 34oz Firehaus Mug $3 Jameson, $3.50 Jager Bombs

Bud Port Paradise FINALS! Win a Trip to Port Paradise $2.99 Quesadilla's 4p-10pm $5 Bud Lt. Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $2.50 Three Olives Vodka $3 JACK DANIELS $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

FRIDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s OpenSpecial Mic Wednesdays, Night Come Jager Happy Hour $1 offPlay! all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at $5.50 GSC2) from 6-8 every day. Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich Free pool during happy hour!!!

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

Wednesday Night Fights Starts 9/19! Foxy Boxing, Jousting, Bull Riding

35 E. Green Street

$2Wednesday Domestic Bottles $3 Imports and OPEN MIC Night Specialty Beers $2.50 Corona $3 Cherry Bombs $2.50 Jager Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud $3 Strong Islands and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Industry Night Thursdays Doors Open 9PM DJ Lunics Spinning No Cover! Salsa (Early) DJ Delayney (Late) $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

$2 Jager Bombs Miss Our Burgers? 1/2 Price Tu/Th/Sat

$4 ICB’s

FRI 8/24

BEARS vs GIANTS 7pm $5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Sweet Revenge Shots

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

SAT 8/25

FIREHAUS YARD SALE! Noon-5pm in the Beer Garden! Great Deals on: LIQUOR/BEER SIGNS, MUGS, PITCHERS, GLASSWARE & MUCH MORE! Get a Special Edition 34oz Firehaus Mug $3 Jameson, $3.50 Jager Bombs

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Watch Every Cubs, Sox, and Cards Game Here!

SUN 8/26

WELCOME BACK SUNDAY! Win One of Two Illini Football Jerseys! $2 FIREHAUS SUNDAYS! Jack - SoCo - Captain Beam - Etc. - $2! plus $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings!

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

We never run out of Grey Goose and Patron

MON 8/27

HALF PRICE APPS 4-10pm $2 LONG ISLANDS $15 Bud Hydrants $3 Any Import or Craft Beer $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $1 Silver Tequila Shots

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

MNJ...how fun was last week?

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book Your Next Party Here! 217-356-2337 highdive.gm@gmail.com

TUES 8/28 WED 8/29

HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS

$2.99 Ch. Burger & Chips 4-10pm

$2 Wells featuring UV Vodka $5 Bud Light Pitchers $2 Fireball Whiskey Shots $2 Malibu Rum

Firehaus Bud Mug Night $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

DJ Dance Party at 10PM

Welcome back to the biggest and best dance floor at U of I

Have your birthday party at Joe's! Call 217-384-1790 to book today. 1/2 Price Burgers!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney and DJ Mondo Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2.50 Miller Lite NO COVER!

The Original Sunday Funday

Tuesday is the new Monday! Tequila Tuesday at the 8th grade dance 1/2 Price Burgers! Upcoming Awesomeness: Bikini Contest 9/5 with a $1000 Cash Prize Check out Joe's Brewery's own 21st Birthday Celebration on 9/12

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

DOWNTOWN

KAM'S SATURDAY: Beer Garden FOAM PARTY! & Frat Potion Night $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Three Olives Vodka $3 Three Olives Bombs

$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles

SHACKER NIGHT Special Guest DJ! $5 24oz Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2.50 Fireball Whiskey Shots

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Q Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $5 Skyy, Wild Turkey, Beam Dbls $2.25 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Coor’s Light, Miller Lite, Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jager Bombs

FRI 8/24

$2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy & Rum Chata Shots $5 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles $2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pitchers

Beer Garden FOAM PARTY! & Frat Potion Night $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Three Olives Vodka $3 Three Olives Bombs

SAT 8/25

$2.50 Coronas $3 Any Draft

$4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers Trivia Returning in 2 Weeks

Welcome Back Party with Special Guest DJ!

SUN 8/26

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

MON 8/27

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KlubKam’s! All High Energy featuring DJ Sevlo $3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks $2.00 Big Long Islands $1.50 16oz Hamm’s Cans $2.00 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2.00 Jager Bombs

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! Come Get the Leinie Logo Glass Tonight! $4 Pints and $2 Refills of Honey Weiss and Summer Shandy

THURS 8/23

SUN: Chicago's DJ SPEED Spins 10pm – Close 4 Rebel Vodka Girls & Giveaways $2.00 U Call It Get It All Here!

SPECIAL NIGHT

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Meme Glass Night!

Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

DJ DASH Spinning! $2.50 Captain Morgan & Cuervo Drinks $5.00 Hamm’s Pitchers $2.00 16oz Coors Lt & Lite Bottle & Cans $2.00 Fireball & DR Shots

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Bud Lt Port Paradise Party w/ DJ Bart Chance to Win a Cruise $2.00 Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud Family Btls Bud Girls & Giveaways Q96 Radio Live

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Chicagoland DJ SPEED Spins 10pm – Close 4 Rebel Vodka Girls & Giveaways $2.00 U Call It Get It All Here!

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Nite Turn – A –Bout Guys Bartend – Girls Bounce BIG ASS DRINKS $2.00 32oz Drafts $2 Double Soco Drinks $4 Double Jack & Blue Guys ESPN Fantasy Fball is Here!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

$4 Long Islands Karaoke Coming Soon! $5.50 MEGA Chburger w/ FF $4 Well Doubles $1.50 Dekuyper Shots

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Nite w/ Nashville's CHRISTIAN SIMMONS Live Band 10pm – Close Jim Beam Girls & Giveaways $2 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3 Blue Guys & $2 Sauza

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge

TUES 8/28

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Platinum Wednesdays $2 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles

LOGO GLASS DAY! Come Get the Leinie Logo Glass Tonight! $4 Pints and $2 Refills of Honey Weiss and Summer Shandy

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED 8/29

SICK OF YOUR APARTMENT OR DORM

ALREADY?

We Have the Perfect Place for You!

Free Tanning, Spa, and 24 Hour Fitness Center

• 1, 2, 3 & 4 bedroom apartments and townhomes. • Individual bathrooms.

Luxurious Clubhouse

• Internet, cable, water, trash and parking. • Washer & dryer in every apartment.

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 / www.villagecp.com

Private Shuttle to and from Campus, Plus "Late Night Shuttle"

You get all of this, too!

[PartyPics]

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

page 16

theblacksheeponline.com

bartenders of the week Major: Kinesiology.

Major: Criminal and justice sciences. The Law.

Nickname: Sweet Cheeks.

Single or other?: Single and ready to mingle.

Single or taken?: Taken. Sorry boys.

How long have you been bartending?: Two and a half years.

Best pick up line you’ve heard?: “Wanna see my turtleneck?”

Creepiest thing someone's said to you while working?: Nothing creepier than what I’ve said to other people.

Favorite drink?: Blue Woody. When did you lose your virginity?: I can’t remember.

Favorite drink?: Balls in the Mouth.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?: On the ground at Murphy’s Pub.

Taylor M. murphy's

Where you had your first kiss?: In the incubator.

Favorite marsupial?: Are sugar babies marsupials? If not, bush babies.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?: Hopefully not Firehaus, but it will probably be Firehaus.

Biggest girl crush?: Tristen from the Silver Bullet.

Favorite sex position?: The Wheelbarrow.

Porn star name?: The Hipster Homewrecker or Kinky Vinyl.

Biggest sexual fantasy?: Anything with Emile Reece.

Justin Bieber vs. Carly Rae Jepsen?: Can I get both?

Favorite drunk food?: Munchin’ box.

Hangover cure?: Gatorade and Merry Anne’s. Simple and sweet.

Ass or tits?: Gotta be ass.

Favorite movie?: Grease. Tip for freshman?: Don’t sleep with Rob Pinto.

the drinking game

Travis m. firehaus

Biggest tip you’ve gotten?: A tranny gave me a dildo that was 18 inches. Summer vs. school year?: School year, hands down.

Recipe for Disaster

bozo buckets

every-meal burger

Mitch Hedberg once joked that people who hand out flyers are basically saying, “Here, you throw this away.” Any college student that has experienced the first walk through campus can verify that 100% of the flyers they get are eventually thrown in the trash. Here’s a way to dispose of those pointless flyers that’s more fun than recycling! Imagine that!

You’re back at school with a stocked fridge (courtesy of your parents) and then you realize, “Crap, my cooking style is analogous to an armless Helen Keller.” You don’t want to be in there for too long because you will either start a fire or chop a finger off, so you decide to eat all your meals at once. Hence the “Every-Meal Burger.”

What You’ll Need: Five garbage cans, booze, beer and shot glasses. Number of Players: As many that will agree to part with all that pointless paper. So, everyone. Level of Intoxication: Expect a nice soupy concoction of puke and flyers in your trash cans. Let’s Get Sloppy: - Label your garbage cans with numbers 1 through 5 and line them up in a row. - Each number refers to a different task and goes as follows: 1. Go run: You must chug a beer while jogging in place. 2. You’ll spew: Take two shots. Yes, in a row. 3. Take a knee: You must get down on one knee as someone distance pours a shot in your mouth for three seconds. 4. Hit the floor: You must lay down on your back and shotgun a beer. 5. Barely alive: Take a shot, chug a beer for five seconds. - Assign a starting point line so everyone throws from the same distance. Take that random pledge who needs to be put in his place and make him lay down on the floor perhaps? - Alternate taking turns throwing your crunched-up flyers into the buckets. Whichever bucket your flyer lands in, you must do the task that corresponds to the bucket. The Game Ends When: You run out of flyers and are actually considering waiting out on the Quad to snag some more.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

What You’ll Need: Frozen waffles, syrup, a hamburger patty, lettuce and ice cream. Cook Time: Twenty minutos. Fatty Factor: You might have to go to the hospital for a clogged artery or two. Let’s Get Baked: - Grab your burger meat and grill that sucker on a skillet or grill. - While that’s cooking, pop some waffles in the toaster. - Lather your hot waffles with a thin layer of syrup. - Lay a piece of lettuce down. - Add a scoop of ice cream on top of your lettuce. - Place the burger on the ice cream and sandwich it in with another scoop of ice cream. - Place another piece of lettuce down. - Put your waffles together and prepare to experience a mouthgasm. Your taste buds are going to go into a state of shock at first because of all the different flavors hitting them at once. After that stage is over, you’ll either experience extreme satisfaction or explosive diarrhea. Bon appétit!

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page 17

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

the booze review booze review: Avión Silver Tequila | grade: b Overview: If you ask me, the nicer tequila you choose to buy only has bearing on how expensive you want your vomit to be. However, there are people who exist who choose and even prefer to drink tequila even when they are not at a Los Lonely Boys concert. If you happen to be one of those people, then have we ever got the booze review for you! History: In the beginning years of its inception, the fine men and women at Avión had fallen on hard times. They could not find a large enough demographic of people to sell their Mexican coyote urine to, and had thusly found themselves on the path to bankruptcy. However, in a simple twist of fate Doug Ellin, the creator of Entourage, started to plug the tequila on his show, winning the drink a strong following of rich, entitled douche bags. In 2012, Avión Silver was awarded the title of “Best Tequila” in The San Francisco World Spirits Competition, which some would say is the equivalent of most effectively creating the closest artificial representation of raw sewage. Typical Drinkers: Jimmy Buffet, people wearing hawaiian shirts, semi-

nonfictional celebrities, livestock, people at The San Francisco World Spirits Competition, Danny Trejo, The Three Caballeros. User Comments: “Dude let me just drink this tequila then we’ll go to the club, bro. I’m meeting up with Bob Saget.” “Wasted away again in Margaritaville, sing it!” “Hey, do you have any alcohol you don’t want that I can clean my open wounds with?” “Hombre, este tequila tiene un sabor a mierda.” “Tequila! Do do do do do do do do!” Conclusion: While tequila might not be everyone’s best friend, Avión Silver was actually much smoother than a lot of other tequila out there. A bottle of Avión can be pretty pricy, but the money is well spent when you remember that you are not drinking Ranchero. Also, you may not have strictly hot girls distributing it around, but at least most girls will appear attractive after drinking this? Ole.

Best Mixer: orange juice | Worst Mixer: more reasonably priced tequila

page 18

The Top ten

theblacksheeponline.com

Back In the Physicality of Things Rebecca Jacobs wrote this An announcement from University of Illinois Campus Recreation:

10. Your RA will care about you: You, the starry-eyed freshman, have several expectations for living in the dorms. One of them is that your resident advisor will play a part in constructing your social life. Ultimately, they are there to clean up the vomit from rush week and extinguish fires. Expect very little outside of “come sit at my table, bro!” shouts echoed throughout the Ike.

As summer ends, you and your body must make amends. Welcome back to campus, Illini dwellers! The Activities and Recreation Center (better known by lazy acronym users as the ARC) encourage all Illini to participate in our fresh and zany group fitness classes. Were you disappointed at the sight of your own body in a bikini/Speedo? We figured. Burn off those pounds before the dining halls pile on more weight, limiting your dating pool even more than your hidden collection of Jimmy Buffett shirts already does. There may be more fish in the sea, but there is only so much cellulite your stretch-marked skin can hold. Duck, Duck, Oh F*%#: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. That’s what Dodgeball taught the world in 2004, and the idea still holds today. Dodge objects thrown by instructors on the Axe hair gel-coated floor. Deflect the thousands of textbooks local bookstores refuse to buy back, and the millions of syringes used to misdiagnose students at McKinley. Move on to dodging bicycles that always seem to crash into students on campus. Scurry away from all the engineering students continuously catapulted at you faster than the speed of light. That’s right, this fitness class is defying physics. Dodge a ball, defy physics, get your ass in shape. Duck, Duck, Oh F*%# meets at CRCE on Monday evenings. Mount Vesuvi-what?!: Are you frustrated that the gyms’ cycling machines are always broken? Then Mount Vesuviwhat?! is a perfect choice! You’ll always have a seat. No really, you are super glued to your bicycle seat. Instead of riding along pre-programmed hills in the machine, cyclists climb the height of Mount Vesuvius. An active volcano wasn’t just the worry of the ancient Pompeians, it’s your worst nightmare, too! You won’t be covered by lava in the depths of the ARC, but slow cyclists are drenched in a collected reservoir of jungle juice leftovers. Keep your orifices closed because only the Great God of Vesuvius knows what the ingredients are. Mount Vesuviwhat?! meets at the ARC on Thursday mornings. Not Your Mama’s Yoga: Yoga is a morning staple of freaky early birds, but this version isn’t what you expect. The Alma Mater starts with stretches of the arms and back, followed by slightly tweaked traditional poses. Downward Douchebag pushes stretchers to fist pump while not returning to an upward position before chugging a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Condescending Cobra forces yoga fanatics to hold the pose for the duration of a segment of a Maury reunion special. After forty-seven minutes and twenty-three seconds, exercisers will feel rejuvenated and thoroughly disturbed. Not Your Mama’s Yoga meets at 4 a.m. daily at the ARC; all intensities of intoxicated yoga enthusiasts are welcome.

lies of freshman year

9. You will not get assaulted by squirrels: Squirrels on this campus want you, and they want you hard. Although it may be for ulterior motives (the food in your backpack), as a freshman, you have to be cautious about how you make your way through the Quad. One false move and their unexpected beeline towards you could be deadly. 8. She won’t break up with you: So your girlfriend is going to ISU, and you want to make it work, eh? Like the biological notion of entropy, everything that can be working against you will be. Embrace the fact that things won’t work out, join your friends at Red Lion, and bump uglies with any babe that comes your way.

Abby Lee Zumba: Zumba is embarrassing enough while attempting to move your hips in physically impossible ways, but Abby Lee amplifies the embarrassment by leading this workout as she leads her televised child dancers: in a cruel, unethical fashion. While she takes exercisers’ mothers in another room to attack their parenting skills, students are led by special guests through various routines. Hugh Hefner leads the bunny hop. Eminem follows the Playboy creator by repeatedly asking the real Slim Shady to please stand up. As people rise, Ludacris pushes students down, telling them to “get back because you don’t know [him] like that.” Have no fear as Chumbawumba raises spirits to “get up again” each time they’re knocked down. Finishing class, dancers attempt ballet a la Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in reenacting Black Swan alongside the actresses themselves. Abby Lee Zumba makes Moms’ Weekend even more memorable than the time your mom hooked up with an Illinois version of Friends’ “Naked Guy” in your apartment complex. Abby Lee Zumba meets annually on Moms’ Weekend. Also, don’t miss our new intramural sport, Quidditch! It’s not your usual college campus makeshift game. This legitimate version matches the sport in J.K. Rowling’s bestselling novels, thanks to our endless supply of engineers and the hazardous materials spill last May; a horrendous mistake that created a magical marvel! Unload your boxes and return to the gym! We’ll be waiting for you… *Disclaimer: Campus Recreation is not liable for any injuries/damages to the human body, spirit, or self-esteem. We will not reply to outcries from you, your lawyer, or your mommy.

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7. Frats will welcome you with open arms: Animal House has perpetrated the myth that fraternities transform the nerdy, shy guy in to a chick magnet who everyone wants to be friends with. People who believe that have another thing coming: Frats want nothing to do with you unless you’re willing to take hours of unnecessary hazing. If you are an attractive girl, on the other hand, expect every house to open their doors instantaneously. 6. Dorm food isn’t that bad: Some choose to live in a dorm because making their own food takes too much time. Your laziness will be countered by God-awful meaty gloop day after day in the dining hall. Unless you plan on living at Old Country Buffet, you will need to learn how to cook for yourself at some point. 5. You will solve the Morrow Plots: The fabled Morrow Plots, or where the professors go to burn our turned-in essays without reading them, has always struck intrigue amongst the student body. What exactly is in there, and why is it so important? Drunken you, blasted from your first access to seemingly unlimited beer, will try to do some investigative journalism. This will only lead to pain, not revelations. 4. You will actually hang out with that dude: Making plans with people is easy. All it takes is a drunken "we should do something, bro!" outside a dorm room at 2 a.m. Following up is the challenge. Expect to be the person you never wanted to be, cancelling out on your friends repeatedly as life gets in the way. Insert applicable John Lennon quote here. 3. You can shed your image: If you come to school looking to escape from whoever you are, good luck. Too much free time leads you back to your roots. Yes, that means Gamer Night on Fridays at the Union. You know you have nothing better to do. 2. You will have good instructors: You’d think at this school that all of our educators would be top-notch. Truth is, a lot of them have Nobel Prizes so far up their butts that they lazily pass everything along to their TAs. Don’t expect to learn from every course. 1. You'll only go out on the weekends: Ha! Let's face it, bars are 19+ on this campus for a reason. Have you seen our Bar Grid? With awesome specials every night of the week like Wine Night, MNJ, Wing Night, Piano Man, 80s Night, Mug Night, Open Mics, Dance Parties Downtown, Klub Kam's, Riding the Rail, Logo Glass Night, and Shacker Night, there's never a night of boredom. And don't worry, The Black Sheep is here to make sure you always know what's going on. You're welcome.

Aaron Toch wrote this

continued from the cover

page 19

Idea #3: The Joe Paterno Statue Before everybody starts getting all defensive, this idea isn’t supporting any controversial, underage hanky panky like they do out East and in most Catholic churches. No, on the contrary, I believe that planting this statue on the Quad’s entrance will be a daily reminder to all staff and students of U of I’s athletic potential. (I mean, they don’t want it anymore, so we could probably get that thing for a steal). Now with Penn State off the map as an athletic powerhouse, it’s our turn to rise up and show the Big Ten what we’re all about. All you football and basketball players out there better start putting your scholarship money to work. Plus, we need something to dress up for Homecoming, E-Week, and all other outfit-worthy events. Idea #4: An Abstract “WTF-Is-That?” Artsy-Fartsy Sculpture It’s the twenty-first century, and we’re still finding ourselves in a world of segregation. That’s right, I’m talking about the age-old Champaign and Urbana divide. It’s time to bridge the gap and unite the students of this campus. Once the hipsters across town hear about the new piece of work, just waiting to be discovered and scrutinized by corduroy-wearing know-it-alls, they will come straggling out of their dimly-lit houses in groves. There they will be able to discuss theater, opium tea, and Espresso Royale’s vanilla lattes amongst the Wayfarer bros and VS Pink hoes of Champaign. I mean, wasn’t the Alma Mater all about bringing people together? Idea #5: The Black Sheep Headquarters I don’t think that I really need to support this idea that much. It explains itself. Why should Illini Media get a cute little building on Green Street when they’re like, $250,000 in debt? Us writers churn out ridiculous issues every week out of the goodness of our hearts. Our ideas are thought up and transformed into cohesive, creative pieces. The DI just goes around and writes about topics you hear about on the news. That’s like, plagiarism, or something. I dunno, I don’t really know anything about journalistic standards. Maybe you’re against all of these ideas, maybe you think replacing Alma is sacrilegious. Well then I hope you enjoy your lonely walk to class every day. More sidewalk space means more room for you to spread out, sure. But, that also means more room for crazy bikers to zoom through and run you the fuck over. Come May, you’ll be crying on your weak, bruised knees at her feet, begging her to never leave again.

"to thy unhappy children of the past, this dead guy says 'eat a cock.'"

summer's last stand on visiting north coast music festival by: quinn

You’ve been back to school for a few days now, but something is beckoning you back to Chicago. Summer is blowing into fall but it’s calling your name for one last day-drinking extravaganza. Sure, your whitebread suburban neighbors threw a nice barbecue to send you off, but it wasn’t the glorious exit you had in mind. Drinking Coronas with your neighbors and playing bags with you high school cousin didn’t quite encapsulate Summer Bro’12. You pulled out of Chicago right before its final climax, right before it blew its warm-weather load all over Union Park. Yep, it’s time for North Coast Music Festival.

If you were at Lollapalooza you probably missed out on an entire day of live jams due to the #epicstorm. That storm left a gaping hole in your musical ego, and sent too many poor molly-riddled bros home with nothing to ignorantly dry hump, nothing to allow the pure MDMA coursing through their veins to release its fury. So they were left to chew gum into dust and talk the ears off of everyone on the L. But alas, as we often say here at The Black Sheep, the Lord taketh away, and the Lord giveth. He has giveth you North Coast, so do your best to channel all the energy lost to that hellish thunderstorm. Where Stormapalooza left you yearning for dubbedup electronica, North Coast has you covered. Girl Talk, Dan Deacon, Digitalism – if you haven’t seen some of these acts, you’ve seen whatever protégés they have spawned in the last couple years, from

“FRATtling” pseudo DJ’s to forced mash-ups of Radiohead and 8-bit Nintendo theme songs. That being said, these acts are the originals, so you should definitely rub your body against other people’s bodies to your heart’s extent during these shows.

If you’re going into senior year, and feel like the utopia that is college is coming to an end, we suggest catching YACHT, as many of their songs revolve around such an idea. Plus they’re unique and dancey but also laid back, just like you, the chillest senior on campus.

If you are the actual chillest person on campus, there is some serious head bobbin’ to be had at STS9, Umphrey’s McGee, or Gramatik –a DJ, who will give you an easy opportunity to peek your little dreadlocked gourd outside of the jam band realm. Sure, you’ve just hauled your ass down to Champaign. But look around you, everyone is either wearing festival wristbands or talking about the concerts they went to. And if you don’t care about that, North Coast is a good reason to head back home one last time before diving into the semester. At the very least, swing by North Coast when you go back to retrieve something at home. Why not have your parents pop out $120 to attend “Summer’s

Last Stand”? At least fork over the $50 for a single day pass. You came back home because you love and miss them, the least they could do is spot you 50 bones to go have some fun FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, GOD MOM.

The fest isn’t quite in the heart of Chicago, so if you’re afraid of being labeled a WPGU-listenin’ mainstream music downloadin’ ninny muggings, you can be all “I prefer edgier music festivals, literally.” Union Park is a fine park, and judging by the cartoon characters littered all over North Coast’s website, a very diverse-yet-groovy place. The festival layout is compact and intuitive, which means you don’t have to balls-to-the-wall your way to the front row if you don’t want to. Instead, you can sit back, get silly, and take in the iconic Chicago skyline one last time.

You’ve gotten a taste of being at school and had that “holy shit summer is over,” feeling. Heading back up to Chicago will be the perfect send-off to Summer two-oh-one-two. Your brain says school, but your body says summer. It’s so wrong but oh so right. Time to get real nice and sloppy in Chicago one last time, hold back puke on the train one last time, and go nuts on your parents’ fridge one last time. When it comes down to it, you could either be listening to your classmates talk about their boring lives, or you could be listening to STS9 MELT FACES.

the interview

midnight conspiracy It should come as no surprise that chatting with Louis Kha, half of one of EDM’s most promising groups, Midnight Conspiracy, was as fun and enjoyable as one of their shows, minus the bass. Our conversation centered around the increasingly popular genre of music, from where electronic music has been to where it rages on today. Jess Sommers wrote this The Black Sheep: How did Midnight Conspiracy come together, and when did you start playing music? Louis Kha: I met Mikul because I was dating his ex-girlfriend, which was a little weird. He was throwing underground parties at the time and I was trying to get into DJing, and he actually got me my first gig at some dirty, illegal, underground loft party. So we just started doing stuff together, throwing a lot of loft parties. The big one that broke us was this Justice after-hours party in Chicago on New Year’s Eve in 2009. It all just started out as a way to party and for us to get together and have fun, and the idea of Midnight Conspiracy came together right then and there. TBS: EDM has blown up in the past two years. Why do you think this genre has become so popular? Louis: Well if you look at the late 90s, electronic music was really huge and the whole rave culture was really big, and in the 2000s it died out and indie bands took over. I just think that music goes in cycles, and we’re on an up-wave right now, similar to the 90s when everyone was decked out in neon and their rave toys and kandi. Going around to college campuses this year versus last year, I’ve noticed a huge difference in what people are listening to. A year or two ago, most college parties were listening to hip-hop; they still are but there’s a lot more electronic beats. Electronic music has always been around as underground, but it’s reached the masses right here, right now. It’s a pretty simple reason why, [college kids] all say that it’s a fun, good vibe. You don’t see fights breaking out at EDM shows, just

popping champagne bottles and having a good time. TBS: Have you always been into electronic music, or was that something that came about in the past several years? Louis: Even when I was young I always liked the electronic elements of music. I was really big into Pink Floyd. That’s not electronic music, but they were using synthesizers. It’s the same thing with a lot of new wave music; we were really big into Depeche Mode and The Cure. I think I’m just attracted to what you can do with electronic music and the sound of it. I mean, electronic music is everywhere; it’s been around for decades. More recently I got really into the whole indie-electro and electroclash movement in the early-2000s, and that’s what got me really into that kind of music. TBS: What’s it like playing big festivals in your hometown, Chicago? Louis: Well, growing up we were huge fans of Depeche Mode, and one of the documentaries that inspired us was the Depeche Mode 101 tour. It was about arena rock back in the day, where bands would show up at these massive arenas to huge crowds and just rock out. TBS: What can someone expect from one of your live shows? Louis: We have a new space set up called Eye Live; it’s something we’ve been working on. We designed and built it ourselves with help from friends; it’s a 16-foot version of our eye logo laid in with a bunch of LEDs and lasers. It’s there to give you this whole audio/visual experience. We control all the lights, too. It’s basically an orgasm of lasers. TBS: On any given night, what’s your drink of choice? Louis: Coconut water for sure. We picked them up when we toured in South America. They party like crazy in Brazil, and we always wondered how they did that. You can get a huge coconut on a tree there for like $1, and if you drink the whole thing you’re golden.

the classtime

capitals of the world Athens Beijing brussels budapest buenos aires helsinki kabul kingston lima madrid

nassau new delhi oslo paris rabat riga rome tokyo vienna warsaw

the classtime

seriously cereals crossword Across

3) Circles of sugary awesomeness. 4) Gives you strength, supposedly. 7) A “diet” cereal. 9) Aye, aye! 11) This cereal is smacked with the most sugar of any. 12) Makes a fine mix with pretzels and peanuts. 13) Fruit + Boy’s Name 15) You’re not just good, you’re... 16) Like a Rabbit's Foot

5) Oh, that silly wabbit. 6) The 100% cereal. 8) Better suited baked and with marshmallows. 9) The number one selling cereal in the U.S. 10) Very scary, yet chocolatey. 14) Eating in general will give you this. 17) Slang for shoes.

Down

1) Literally desserts in a bowl of milk. 2) Little shapes of all these letters.

Answers

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