Illinois Fall Issue 10 - 10/24/12 by The Black Sheep

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The Booze News

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 21, Issue 10 10/24/12 - 10/31/12

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Elderly Alumni Confused at How Satanic and Slutty the Campus has Become mad max wrote this

It baffled most students and alumni when the decision makers planned the Homecoming game for the same week students celebrate Halloween. Halloween is up there with the top five sloppiest holidays next to Unofficial, Daylight Savings (Fall Back), Barndance, and the night before Reading Day. Alumni Charlie Old Balls simply planned on returning to his beloved University of Illinois with hopes of catching up with some dorm buddies and hitting up former hangouts. Without checking his calendar for other obligations, he forgot that the 2012 University of Illinois Homecoming overlaps with the depravity that is Halloween. The horror slowly builds in Old Balls as he meanders down Green Street. Hoards of screeching girls stand on corners waiting to meet up with so and so’s random hookup buddy, while packs of guys challenge their own friends over high-strung egos. The dimly lit roads begin resembling a dark place forgotten by God. Sure, it’s been quite a few years since Old Balls has been back to campus, but things couldn’t have changed this much, could they? The outfits are the first red flag. It’s not illegal what these girls are wearing, but holy shit it should be. What happened to the good old days when people would clothe themselves with enough moderate decency to cover their ass cheeks? Granted, the view is spectacular, and one would be a liar to say otherwise. His own daughter is around this age though, and that tends to factor into a father’s internal ethics debate. If his daughter, Christina No Balls, was ever caught exposing as much cleavage as he’d seen in the five minute walk past Red Lion, he would have no qualms sending her to a convent. Oh dammit! There are sexy nun outfits here too! The guys’ outfits are much more difficult to define. They range from psychotic to demented, with many strutting around in women’s short skirts. It’s horrendously unattractive and most of them are continually humping one another, but Old Balls garners that it’s alright since they called “no homo” beforehand. The last instance Mr. Old Balls saw a drag show like this one was the time one of his co-workers lost a bet (it surprised everybody when the Cubs didn’t win, again). At any moment one of the supposedly college-educated males quote one of their “bitches” with a shrill voice that cuts into Old Balls’ elder eardrums. It begs the question why they continue to hang around these bitches if that is their best impression of the person they share a bed with. There seems to be no intimate connection. Every one of them seems more devoted to the drink in their hands than the people they sleep with.

Allen Hall's Zombie Walk Excludes Nerd

Mr. Old Balls is fairly certain the entire campus is having intercourse tonight. Most will be part of the naked pile-up at Assembly Hall he’s heard way too much about. Those who miss the ten minute ecstasy roller coaster will make it to the decency of a twin-sized bed, while roommates will be sexiled to the patio to consummate with his or her own partner. That sexual act is the summation of whatever unholy ritual the campus is undergoing this evening. It’s enough to make Cthulhu blush. As he wanders around some more, Old Balls realizes that only a few “students” remain. The people who came to this university

what’s inside

The Top 10: Worst Costumes to Hook Up In

Dorm residents never thought this day would come.

Check this out before deciding on your outfit for the night.

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pursuing knowledge as opposed to sweaty tantric sex have been forced to the Undergraduate Library. Old Balls remembers the prison that was the Underground all too well. Now it seems to have taken the role of a sanctuary the “students” use when trying to stay clear of Lucifer’s acolytes. The only person Mr. Old Balls sees wearing a regular jacket and backpack is accosted and chased by a rapid horde of twelve guys. There isn’t a girl in sight ,and everyone knows that a group of guys who don’t get laid is the most dangerous variable one can encounter while walking home. God speed, young gentleman. Run like the followers of hell are behind you. They are. continued on page 19

Candy in Real Life The treats you're better off not consuming at all

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 6: 7-Year-Old Boy Wanders on to Campus for Halloween, Nearly Seals the Deal

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Little Timothy leaves campus with more condoms than candy.

page 7: Halloween's Sexiest, Sluttiest Costumes... For Men Women shouldn't have all the fun this year!

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page 8: War of the Townies

The classic horror story of Orson Welles comes to campus.

page 9: An Interview with a Worker from Dallas & Company

Table of

Surprisingly, life exists outside of Halloween for them

page 10: Halloween Crime Alerts the CPD Doesn't Want You to See! The inside scoop on wacky criminals you should be looking out for

page 16: Bartenders of the Week Kiersten and Tom, at your service!

page 18: From the Streets

"What do you think of the presidential debates thus far?"

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Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Eric Blokel distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mike Lieber Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes | Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster | Molly Forrest Aaron Toch | Ashley Perl Max Russell | John McCombs Ryan Rudolf | Austin Gomez

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pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Miseck Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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! k e e W e h t f o c i P

Dear Mike, I feel like Halloween has drifted too far away from its original purpose of being a day full of scares and frights. Can you tell me the scariest story you can think of? From, Halloweendude_69 Dear weendude, When Doug woke up, the only thing he could focus on was the ringing pain in his head. After noticing that the room was oddly sunny, he leaned over to check the time to discover that he was 10 minutes late to his first class. Doug yelled at the top of his lungs, which effectively woke up his naked ex-girlfriend who was sleeping next to him. He had no idea how she got there or why her clothes were off, but he had no time to find out, and was out the door as fast as his feet could carry him. As Doug got on the bus he realized that the shirt he was wearing was crusted with vomit. Doug decided that it was not worth turning back to change, so he turned the shirt inside out and exited the bus. When Doug entered his classroom he was shocked to see that every student was silent and writing intensely. His professor then told him to grab a Scantron and begin his midterm, which he was 20 minutes late for. However, the professor insisted that he should clean his face and change his shirt, as they both had graphic images of dicks on them. After cleaning his face and throwing his shirt in the trash, Doug went back to the classroom to take the midterm. However, before he could finish, Doug began to sweat profusely, froze up, grabbed his backpack, and vomited inside of it. The force of Doug’s heaving also caused him to unload a bowl of hot diarrhea into his shorts. Embarrassed, Doug ran out of the classroom as the diarrhea caked his legs. When Doug exited the building he was hit by a bus and then woke up. He was again in his room, except that he had diarrhea’d his bed and his ex-girlfriend told him she was pregnant. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan

Sexy Anagrams

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Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

Rail Clef Lorn last week’s answers

Charlize Theron & Paul Newman

“Yes my pretties, drink, drink the malignant elixir! Muahahehehe!” (Want to become famous next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

word of the week Internpreter:

Colloquial term for a career center worker trained in parsing the vague language found in internship job postings.

“The internpreter I went to told me that ‘for class credit’ is just a nice way of saying an internship is unpaid.”

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Allen Hall’s Zombie Walk Excludes Nerd Aaron Toch wrote this Allen Hall, a residence dorm at U of I that has long been seen as the sanctuary for uniqueness, is upping its game. Eyewitness reports from the Zombie Walk, an annual event that has the Allen Hall residents dress up as deteriorating and dancing zombies, say that one nerd was excluded. Not having the qualities or clothes that a nineteen-year-old hipster is supposed to be able to afford, eyewitness sophomore Ellen Gaines says that what she saw happen to “that poor nerd” scarred her for life. “I’m not even a dorm gal anymore; I got an apartment with my boyfriend sophomore year and never looked back. But, from what I heard, Allen Hall is definitely not as welcoming as it once was.” The nerd, who was reported to be wearing a slightly oversized t-shirt and frayed jeans, was awkwardly dancing by himself instead of participating with the synchronized efforts of the rest of the zombies. After feeling “left out” and “unwelcomed,” the boy (who refused to be identified) complained to the Multicultural Advocate Jessica Martinez, who simply laughed in his face. “What, you think I’m going to do anything?” she was reported to have said. “I couldn’t care less about this job. It’s not my fault that the kid is a total weirdo. If he had just painted his face with fake blood and spastically danced like the other normal, sane residents, then he wouldn’t be having this problem.” Various zombies have been interviewed, and all have denied allegations that they excluded anyone. Because of Allen Hall’s open and welcoming environment, it’s ridiculous to think that

this scenario could have occurred there. Such an event is an unfortunate step backwards for a dorm that was the first to openly accept LGBT students on campus. “There was a time when you had to be able to put on eyeliner and fit in a size zero skirt to live here, believe it or not,” Gaines said. “I’m shocked that a hall like this could let down their residents in such a huge way.” Self-proclaimed hipsters of Allen Hall refuse to admit that this act of exclusion could have possibly happened. Claiming that the Zombie Walk was open to all residents and something you had to RVSP to on Facebook, they are unconvinced that there is any reason why any Multicultural Advocate should be mad at them. In the report filed to the Multicultural Advocate about the nerd’s exclusion, the “Forever Alone” meme was said to be used in derogatory terms. Junior Andrew Stark, another Allen Hall resident, said, “I don’t think what we did was too mean to him. We also used Socially Awkward Penguin, Scumbag Steve, and Bad Luck Brian. Did he list those? They’re just jokes, man. Everyone loves a good meme every once in a while.” After listing off the memes, Stark boasted about his “IRL” capabilities of Internet jokes and almost swallowed some of his zombie make up from laughing so hard. The report was dismissed after the Multicultural Advocate claimed again that she didn’t “give a shit” and that she had other important things that she would rather waste her time on. After finding out that nobody cared, the zombies breathed a collective sigh of relief. Now that they were free to discuss all the crazy parties at Tower at Third they were going to. Without the legal ramifications of excluding nerds,

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conversation came a lot easier. “All of the sudden, people were making plans with people they had never seen. As long as it was not with the one dude shuffling in the corner, they were perfectly satisfied in sharing the most intimate details about their private lives with absolute strangers,” Gaines said. As the evidence failed to amount that a monumental injustice had taken place at Allen Hall, the zombie mob was allowed to disperse and do their own thing, with or without any of the nerd residents. Only one person was left, and he went off to Gamer Night at the Illini Union, effectively ending the case.

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7-Year-Old Boy Wanders on to Campus for Halloween, Nearly Seals the Deal Honeycombs wrote this Timothy Collins, age seven, found himself in the middle of campustown late Wednesday night after being separated from his older brother. A resident of Urbana, Timothy was out trick-ortreating with his sibling when Matthew, age twelve, complained that his little brother was slowing him down saying, “The good candy will be all gone by the time we get there.” Matthew allegedly ran ahead of his brother until he was out of view. “The little snot,” as referred to by Matthew, then began to wander west towards campus until he found himself on Green Street. Timothy began to notice the adult juice-to-candy ratio rapidly increasing after he crossed Wright Street. He began to feel uneasy after being heckled by several passersby, while some threw half-empty beer bottles at Timothy’s feet. “I thought that dude was just some freshman looking for a party to sneak into or something,” Jeremy Singer, a junior in Advertising remarked after he reportedly called Timmy a “chubby little douchenugget.” After being shooed away by several doormen and even receiving a wristband at one bar, Timothy ventured away from what he called “the scary people street” and made his way south where he attempted to resume trick-or-treating. “No one gave me much candy, but I got a fun-sized Jose Cuervo and half of a Fat Sandwich. I don’t know what either of those things are.” Timothy encountered several other drunken individuals as he made his way from apartment to apartment. “I saw a Pikachu, a witch, and a Teletubbie who showed me her boobies. They all smelled like my Uncle Tony after Thanksgiving.” As Timothy continued along his way he was accosted by several men on the rooftop of a fraternity house. John Walker, senior in Chemistry remarked, “Yeah we saw this tiny skeleton walking down Fourth Street, and we all thought, ‘holy crap, is that a dwarf?’ Right then we knew we needed that little fucker at our party.” Timothy, was invited into the party but was stopped at the door by one of the brothers. “Yeah, the guy at the front said that they’re a 'top house,' and if I tell people I’m a brother I can get any job I want and any girl I want. There’s nothing I can’t have. Mommy said those guys are what she calls ‘tools,’” Timothy explained about the encounter. Inside the party Timothy

searched for candy but unfortunately for him his efforts were in vain. “They didn’t have any candy, but I did find a lot of plastic tubes that smelled like skunks and a whole box of little balloons called Magnums.” Timothy wandered about the dance floor where, according to eyewitnesses, several fraternity brothers lifted him up to crowd surf. Due to his reported “coolness” he was invited upstairs for a VIP party in one of the brother’s rooms. In this room was where Timothy ran into Jennifer Rawlings, freshman in Communication and reported "mattress queen" of the fraternity house. “I remember this cute guy walking in dressed up as a skeleton, and I figured that since none of the other brothers will touch me anymore I’d try my chances with him,” Jennifer commented. According to reports she took Timothy to an empty room and attempted to flirt with him, but was unsuccessful when Timothy remarked that she was icky and had cooties. Upon exiting the room moments later, several fraternity brothers cheered for Timothy because, reportedly, “someone had finally blue-balled that bitch.” Timothy was then handed a formal bid by the president and was invited to play some ultimate Frisbee on the Quad at noon the next day. It was shortly after this incident that police arrived on the scene and busted the party. The police discovered Timothy there and thought it was just an innocent misunderstanding, but were forced to place the child under arrest for having several grams of marijuana in his trick-or-treating bag.

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Halloween’s Sexiest, Sluttiest Costumes… for Men tex mex wrote this There’s always that one sourpuss who complains about how revealing women’s costumes are come Halloween, but let’s be serious here: No level of white knighted-ness is going to stop girls from partaking in such a rousing night of mini-skirts, bunny ears, or nothing at all. But with so many scantily clad sailors, soldiers and nurses, Halloween is growing a little stale on the female front. Here are some costume ideas for men so they can spice things up for that one night where guys can just be slutty for a change: French Manservant: Lace up a dude with heels, stockings, a blouse, and a little hat, and you’ve got yourself a bona fide French manservant who isn’t afraid to “get into those tight corners.” A guy can even add in a feather duster to accentuate his manly arms whilst getting some cleaning done around the apartment. No matter what accessories you tack on, you still won’t have to shave your legs.

unannounced and at the worst possible time. You could even do something goofy like bringing a Sharpie along to have people “sign for their package” on your skin, which could either be phenomenally hysterical or abysmally traumatizing the next morning. Think Momento with less important reminders and more poorlydrawn penises. Cupid: If girls can pass off concealing 10% of their skin as a costume, then a guy donning nothing more than a diaper/cheetahprint Speedo and a quiver full of phallic arrows should be acceptable. As the Angel of Love, you may not have the same appeal as a buff Tarzan or the Old Spice guy, but you instead have the responsibility of being one hell of a wingman. Even on Halloween, the line between “hilariously adorable” and “public indecency” is regrettably unclear.

David Bowie: It’s not cross-dressing, but it’s pretty damn close. If you have the time (and the funds) to turn yourself into the glitterdazzled, fire red-haired wonder that was 70s Bowie, then there’s no way you wouldn’t be able to get Ziggy with it. With enough androgyny to confuse Boy George, you’ll attract the eyes of both sexes no matter where you go with that skin-tight, god-knowswhat-material suit and those sunken cheekbones that scream, “I’m not afraid to be ‘Under Pressure’!” Also, the Bowie Bulge, if any lesser man can manage it, is always a plus.

Genghis Khan: Was he the best looking ancient warlord? Probably not. But the power dynamic of being a fearsome, tyrannical conqueror of many a nation offers a hefty bit of attraction. But for a guy’s sexual sphere to peak at 2,000 to 3,000 women, there’s got to be an overlooked tender side to him. It’s either that, or Genghis Khan was just a complete and totally shameless manwhore. The armored costume might not be the most revealing of the night, but using “I’m the sluttiest emperor the Mongolian Empire has ever seen” as a pickup line will definitely cause some swooning.

UPS Man: Just to get it out of the way, yes, the endless barrage of your friends drunkenly sputtering, “Do you have a package for me?” and commenting on the thigh high short-shorts is going to grow tiresome, but being a UPS delivery man has way more benefits than simply dropping off the goods. For one, it opens up windows of opportunity such as showing up to parties completely

Slutty Abraham Lincoln: He’s America’s favorite sixteenth president and an absolute heartthrob. He may have not had the charisma of Bill Clinton or the spirited charm of JFK, but Abe Lincoln’s “Work hard, play hard” attitude (which was his campaign slogan) stands as the staple for this costume's rugged manliness and political promiscuity. Just toss on a top hat, a fake beard, prosthetic

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mole, and a pair of button pants with cufflinks, and you’ll be ready to emancipate this proclamation. If things become too risqué, just toss on a hoodie to become Casual Abraham Lincoln, one more focused on just chilling and having a lax time, man. Gentlemen, don’t be afraid to show a little skin this Halloween season. You’ve been hitting the gym hard enough; it’s time to show off what you’ve got. Unless you’ve already gained your freshman fifteen this early on in the year. In that case, just stay out of our sight, please. Or be a marshmallow!

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War of the Townies becky jacobs wrote this In a remote radio broadcasting building on the edge of Champaign, Orson Belles wiped out WPGU’s signal to dominate the radio broadcasting systems in Champaign County and the speaker system along Green Street. Microphone in hand, hair slicked back, rag time music lightly playing in the background, he came up with a brilliant idea: Let’s make people go batshit crazy. Best way to do that? Pose a fictional invasion of townies, but make it sound as realistic as possible. And this is how it went: Orson Belles: Hello. We interrupt our regular radio broadcasting to bring you a breaking story. There seems to be unidentified moving objects swarming to campus from the surrounding areas, moving at freakish speeds. For further details, we bring you scientists from the University of Illinois campus observatory. Scientist with Huge Telescope: Uh, yeah. Not sure what it is. There are lots of bodies fleeing towards campus. As we look closer, there are John Deere hats, ripped denim, and teeth scattered along the path they came from. Umm, yep. That’s about it. Back to you. Orson Belles: Thank you for that very helpful information. Listeners, if you have not already relocated to your bomb shelters made of beer cans and pizza boxes, do so now. When the invaders see the cans are empty, they’ll most likely head to the bars rather than your houses. You’re welcome. *BEEP. BEEP. BOOP. WHIR. BEEP.* Ah yes, a telegram just arrived. There are now vehicles located on the Main Quad. Tractors, dirt bikes, four-wheelers, you name it. Do not go near the vehicles. Paintball guns appear to be strapped to them. If you are walking near the Quad, run as quickly as possible in the other direction. I repeat, stay away from the Main Quad. If you are on a bike, run them over. You’ve had more than enough practice with pedestrians. Make yourself useful! And now over to campus authorities for more information. Some Guy Dressed in Orange and Blue: Bodies are emerging from the vehicles on the Quad! Belches and stench fill the air as their doors open. Before they emerge, they throw coins at the sky, yelling, “Keep your change; we don’t want yer damn charity!” We can’t help but wonder, is this retaliation for the lack of compassion on Green Street? Perhaps, perhaps not.

What’s important is that everyone evacuates the area. This is an emergency. Seriously, we’re not the boy who cried wolf. Listen to the Illini-Alerts this time. Run home to your mommies! And to graduate students who wear the Velcro sandals, those aren’t working out so well now as you sprint away, are they? Orson Belles: Our scientists have discovered what the unidentified moving objects are. They’re townies! Townies from the north. Townies from the south. Townies trying to slit your throat after duct tape your mouth. You’ve heard it here first, folks. Run for your lives! Just in from the observatory: People are running in the streets. There is a line where the Alma Mater once stood as people want to “get it in” one last time before the world ends. No one will die a virgin here tonight. At the bars, rat poison shots for everyone! Don’t let the townies take you out. Do it yourself instead. That’s the only dignified way to go. Announcer: Shitting your pants yet? We thought so. This entire story was fictitious. To all those who died tonight, may you rest in townie peace. As Orson Welles said in the original 1938 broadcast, “So goodbye everybody, and remember the terrible lesson you learned tonight.”

The Top 10

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Worst Costumes to Hook Up In

An Interview with a Worker from Dallas & Company Molly Forrest wrote this Everyone’s familiar with Dallas & Company at the corner of University and First Street. If not, get out of your little dorm room bubble for once and check out the world just off campus. I really wanted to interview the owner (I mean, he’s got to be a pretty cool fella to run a wacky place like this) but the afternoon rush of four people caused him to be busy. I figured that the worker with ear piercings and braces was my next best option. P.S. This is a real interview. Why don't you trust us anymore? It's like we don't even know you! The Black Sheep: What do you do for the other eleven months of the year? I can’t imagine normal people actually coming here any other time but around Halloween. Dallas & Co. Dude: I actually work here all year round. There are some other holidays draw big crowds as well. There’s Christmas obviously, but Easter and Unofficial are also big holidays. TBS: Okay, I can see Christmas for all those Santa suits but Easter? Unofficial? Dude: Yes, we sell a lot of fake blood during Easter because there are a lot of Passion reenactments around then. And for Unofficial we sell a lot of fake tattoos and beads. TBS: Do you have any regular customers? Dude: Magicians are normal customers, but we also have a lot of companies that buy from us. Being next to the train station is unfortunate because there is a constant stream of questionable people that we’re happy to see once and then never again. TBS: Is the store affiliated with haunted houses? Like do you guys provide them anything? Dude: No, but we do sell effects all the time. TBS: What’s the most expensive costume in the store? Dude: There is one you can rent for $150, but it costs $3,000. TBS: What is it? And what happens if you ruin it? Dude: You’re fucked; you break it you buy it. And they are the custom-made mascots. Pretty rare, not many people are willing to spend all that money. TBS: What Halloween costume is the most

popular? Dude: This year it was any of the guys from The Avengers, but every year we sell out of Gene Simmons and Captain Morgan without fail. TBS: Ah, some great choices. Let’s talk about you now, man. Do you decorate your house for Halloween? Dude: Yes and no. My house is decorated for Halloween year round, so I technically don’t decorate for Halloween. TBS: What was your best Halloween costume? Dude: I actually craft my own costumes. My best one was when I was Lord Licorice from Candy Land. I actually used real licorice. TBS: Sounds yummy. What is your least favorite costume? Dude: Anything that doesn’t require effort or that is overdone. Black cats, Sarah Palin, and Mad Men characters. Lame. TBS: Are you a bigger fan of a sexy costume or a clever one? Dude: They are not mutually exclusive. TBS: What are your Halloween plans this year? Or will you have to work? Dude: I’ll be dressing up in my costume for work. I only dress up on Halloween and Mardi Gras, so it’s a pretty big deal.

10.) Pikachu: Just envision this for a second. Things are getting real hot and heavy, and this chick you snagged seems to be down for anything. She starts to unzip your pants and head down south, but instead of focusing on the good feeling, all you can see is your favorite childhood character and its electric tail bouncing up and down around your knees. Pika! Pika! 9.) Hot Dog or Banana Suit: Not only are these unoriginal, but their full-length zippers should strike fear in any male. If you bring home a kinky lil’ thing, make sure she takes it slow. Last thing you want to do is snip your weenie off before the big moment. 8.) Cardboard Robot: You’ll be lucky if you even get a girl back to your place in this clunky, awkward thing. It can’t be that easy to grind on chicks at the bar in this boxy outfit, let alone make it through the door. And nothing hurts more than a cardboard cut on the dong. 7.) Anything With a Mask: Face it, you got a costume with a mask because you’re absolutely hideous. How happy do you think your hook up will be when she finds out you’re actually more disgusting than a bloody zombie? Or you can always just keep wearing the mask and hope that makes things better, although that makes oral sex a bit difficult to accomplish. 6.) Expensive Rental Costume: You know the rules: You break it, you buy it. Ditch the elaborate Marie Antoinette-style dress on Halloween. You’ll be too lazy to take the costume off the right way; ripping and tearing will ensue. And a little bad aim will leave you trying to convince the costume shop that the semen stain was really there before you rented it. Good luck. 5.) Duct Tape Crayola Crayon: Sure, making your own duct tape outfit is cheap, creative, and a great way to show off your well-toned bod, but it can’t be that pleasant to take off. Besides the sweat that will build up and fester under the tape during the night, ripping it off in a fit of passion is sure to remove some skin as well. Ouch.

TBS: How do you feel about couple costumes? And what are the best ones that you’ve seen? Dude: They are good sellers, I guess. I’m a fan of the ghost pair costume from Disney World, Mario and Princess Peach, and Jasmine and Aladdin.

4.) Something That Involves a Lot of Bare Skin: Being a surfer bro or never-nude Tobias Fünke gives you a chance to show off your washboard abs, and what girl doesn’t like that? But Halloween night is going to be a chilly one, and you’ll be begging for more layers after a while. Freezing your ass off makes for an awkward bedroom moment when she pulls off your boxers and shrinkage has taken its toll.

TBS: What is your dream costume? Dude: Once I get a girlfriend we will be Evil Lyn and Skeletor, I’ve wanted to do that since I was six years old.

3.) Baby: Aw, how precious. Your cute little diaper, button nose, curly pigtails, and the pacifier you keep seductively rubbing across your lips. If he has a younger sister, this is all that’s going to be running through his mind while you’re on top. And two, if he continues to bang you after this realization, dude’s a perv, and you should bounce.

“Have you ever roleplayed in a Halloween costume?” “What would your costume role-play fantasy be?” “Have you ever worn a mask during sex?” These would’ve been my next questions, but after the girlfriend comment I just didn’t want to know the answer. So if you’re single, like to decorate for Halloween year round, and love freaky masks and fake blood, this is your dream man.

2.) Member of the Opposite Sex: Yeah that guy may be totally hot underneath the fake boobs, blonde wig, and mini skirt, but having to strip that all off of him feels a bit … odd, doesn’t it? Oh my God, what if it isn’t a guy underneath? What if he’s really a she? Things sure got hot in a hurry. 1.) Penis Suit: Needless to say, she’ll be quite disappointed when your shlong ain’t as long and girthy as the one you were wearing all night.

kitty kat wrote this

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Halloween Crime Alerts the CPD Doesn’t Want You to See! benson wrote this Now that the Champaign Police Department has cracked down on posting crime alerts, there is no way for students to know when something unfortunate happens to people they don’t know on campus. Sure, anybody could go onto worldstarhiphop.com to see videos of people being mugged and assaulted, but it just isn’t the same as a live feed. With Halloween only days away, the CPD has been flooded with calls about strange crimes being committed all around town. The Black Sheep is lucky enough to have an undercover informant in the CPD to deliver these choice nugs. Thanks Lt. Steve Davidson! INCIDENT: Armed Robbery OCCURRED: October 20, 2012, 2:00 a.m. LOCATION: Fourth and Armory Early Saturday morning a group of exchange students were walking back from the Underground Library when they encountered what they called °∞Ja°Ølor,°± which roughly translates to"Man of Death." The students explained how this man wore long, flowing black robes, a mask which glowed like °∞Ri-uh-lahn,°± which translates to "That of the Fireflies" and a long, sharp scythe. Without pause, the students handed over their wallets, cell phones, and Game Boy Advances and ran off in the other direction. One of the students managed to save his copy of Pokémon Gold, but it is advised that one does not mess with muggers, just do as they say. INCIDENT: Robbery OCCURRED: October 20, 2012, 12:03 p.m. LOCATION: Illini Union Bookstore At approximately 11:50 a.m., an unnamed alumni stumbled into the Illini Union Bookstore looking for “something nice for his grandson.” This man has been described as elderly, white, and

bald with a cane, homecoming alumni t-shirt, high-fastening trousers, and enormous sunglasses. The man entered the bookstore and proceeded to stand in the center of the store repeating, “Can somebody help me find something for my grandson?” as he spun around in a circle. Eventually a cashier asked him if he would like to look at t-shirts, to which the man replied, “H-Wha?” as he made a cone over his right ear using his hand. The man eventually grabbed a “Kelsey” keychain and wandered out of the store in a confused haze without paying. The man was last seen boarding a 22-Illini after being herded into the line of people at the bus stop outside the bookstore. INCIDENT: Public Intoxication, Panhandling OCCURRED: October 21, 2012, 5:00 p.m. LOCATION: Green Street Witnesses described what they referred to as “a group of offensive, drunken men” wandering the streets of Champaign Sunday afternoon. These men, apparently on a Halloween themed barcrawl, were walking up and down the street asking pedestrians for money. The costumes they were wearing as understood by witnesses were King Theoden, Jay and Silent Bob, Walking Dead zombies, Jeff Foxworthy, and a pair that went as early 20th century hobos. When asked to be left alone by the pedestrians they heckled, the men consistently replied that they just wanted a bite to eat tonight, and that they just need a little help. When the police arrived, the men immediately and systematically dispersed. INCIDENT: Suspicious Activity OCCURRED: October 23, 2012, 3:00 p.m. LOCATION: Lincoln and Nevada. A call was placed early Tuesday afternoon about suspicious activity occurring around the Lincoln and Nevada residential area of

Urbana. Reports say that a mother was observed taking her son trick-or-treating more than a full week before Halloween. Reports say that the woman takes her son early so as to not expose him to the dangers and delinquency of the actual holiday on the 31st. People who are close to this woman say that she puts up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving, takes her child caroling in late November, and always gives out “fucking toothbrushes” on Halloween. It has also been noted that the child was dressed up as a pumpkin, which we are told is lame as hell.

10 2 5 2 0 1 2 ASSEMBLY HALL

C H A M P A I G N

I L

W W W . G L O W F E S T T O U R . C O M

Illinois Ticket Office at the Assembly Hall Online: UofIassemblyhall.com By phone: 1-866ILLINI-1 ALL AGES

I L L I N O I S #GlowfestIL Facebook.com/glowfest

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

TUESDAY! CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts, $3 Import Drafts, $2 Shot of the Week $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

FRIDAY: MiM0SA with JMSN, THE INTERNS and MELLOW

October 31st: 2nd Annual DEVILS BALL Costume Contests Pole Dance Competition Over $750 in Cash & Prizes $2 Malibu Rum, $2 Bud Light Bottles

FRIDAY: CU Zombie A Go Go & Surfabilly Freakout present The Brain Eater's Ball! Prize giveaways, costumes, shenanigans!

WED 10/24

$0.15 Wings - 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

THE PIANO MAN! Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas!

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURS 10/25

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

Annual Halloween Show! CORNMEAL with HENHOUSE PROWLERS and SONNY STUBBLE

BOMBS AWAY SEXY SCHOOL GIRL NIGHT All Schoolgirl Barstaff $1 Red Bull BOMBS, $2 U CALL IT $3 EVERYTHING ELSE $3 Red Bull VODKAS

Molly Bass, 10pm, $5 w/ EpilepC, Reed Richards, Kirkwood West and HarshPro

FRI 10/26

$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

MiM0SA with JMSN, THE INTERNS a nd MELLOW

Happy Hour Food Special 5pm-9pm: $3 PIZZAS!! $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jameson

CU Zombie A Go Go & Surfabilly Freakout present The Brain Eater's Ball! Prize giveaways, costumes, shenanigans!

Join Us for homecoming!

REBELUTION with PASSAFIRE and THROUGH THE ROOTS

HOMECOMING 2012 Open at 10am $2 Mimosas, $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers, $4 PIZZAS All Day! Special Guest DJ Saturday Night

The Dirty Feathers, 9:30pm, $7 w/ The Uglies, Kentucky Knife Fight, Congregation, The Dirty Feathers

SUN 10/28

Closed

BOOTS & BOOZE: Live Country Music! $1 Bud & Bud Light Cans! $2 Jack Honey and $3 Jack Daniels!

Book your next party or event at The Clybourne! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

MON 10/29

MASON JAR MONDAY! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts, $3 Double Wells, $3 Double Jack and Double Soco, $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints, $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

** CLOSED **

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Pinnacle Vodka

80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestic Beers $2 Well Drinks/Liquor NO COVER

TUES 10/30

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts, $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

OPEN DECKS Think you're a DJ? Come spin! $2 Red Bull Well Drinks No Cover!

WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Woodbridge Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Tullamore Dew Whiskey $2 Svedka Vodka, $2 312 Bottles

Open Mic Night - No Cover! Inside Stage

WED 10/31

$0.15 Wings - 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

Biggest Halloween Party on Campus with THE PIANO MAN! Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas!

2nd Annual DEVILS BALL Costume Contests Pole Dance Competition Over $750 in Cash & Prizes $2 Malibu Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

SAT 10/27

W IN NO MOVE T A $200 GE AND CARD! GIFT

if you need it, we’ve got it!

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Amenities? We’ve Got ‘Em! Amazing Location Theater Room Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge Fitness Center

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

217.239.2310 | BURNHAM310.COM | 310 E. SPRINGFIELD | IMMEDIATE MOVE INS AVAILABLE!

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

Sunday! BEARS vs PANTHERS - Noon Win a Bears Jersey! $2 ANYTHING! Every Liquor.... Every Domestic Beer $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings

WED 10/24

Firehaus Bud Mug Night $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey, $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm World Series: Tigers vs Giants 7pm

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Open Mic Wednesdays, $2 Coors Light Special Night and Miller Light Draft Come Play! Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from Apps 6-8 every day. 1/2 Off (After 5pm) Free pool during happy hour!!! $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, MIC Night ComeOPEN play music for your $2.50 Corona friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

Saturday! Hit and Run Halloween! DJ Belly and DJ Delayney vs. DJ Kosmo and DJ Legtwo

Fill out our party inquiry form at joesbrewery.com or call 217-384-1790 to book today!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite NO COVER!

Wednesday Night Inflatable Fights Continues with Foxy Boxing

$3 Strong Islands

THURS 10/25

Firehaus PINK PARTY! Save Second Base! Ladies Arm Wrestling 11pm - WIN A TRIP TO VEGAS!! Pink Drink Specials plus... $3 Jack, $3 Soco, $5 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers VIKINGS vs BUCS 7pm World Series: Tigers vs Giants 7pm

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Industry Night w/ DJ Luniks Doors Open at 9pm

Beer, a Bomb and a Burger $2 Bud Lights $2 Jager Bombs

FRI 10/26

$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan & Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Sweet Revenge Shots

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

Coors Light Happy Hour with MLB Postseason on the Big Screen

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the Sports Action at Guido's!

Hit and Run Halloween! DJ Belly and DJ Delayney vs. DJ Kosmo and DJ Legtwo

Now Booking November Birthday Parties! 217-384-1790

SUN 10/28

BEARS vs PANTHERS - Noon Win a Bears Jersey! $2 ANYTHING! Every Liquor.... Every Domestic Beer $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings World Series: Tigers vs Giants 7pm

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

The Original Sunday Funday with 25% Off Appetizers and $3 22oz Bud Lights

MON 10/29

Monday Night Football: HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm10pm, $15 Bud Light Hydrants $2 Long Islands, $3 Import/Crafts World Series: Tigers vs Giants 7pm

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

Check out our Burger of the Week! Monday Night Joes Bears vs Lions $2 Sailor Jerry

TUES 10/30

TIME WARP TUESDAY! Playing the Best of the 90's & Early 2000's Best Retro Outfit Wins a Trip to Vegas! HALF PRICE JACK-O-LANTERN SHARKBOWLS, $2 Wells, $2 Fireball Shots, $2 Malibu Red or Black Rum $2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips 4pm-10pm

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

1/2 Price Burgers and $2 Blue Moons Tequila Tuesday & the 8th Grade Dance

WED 10/31

HALLOWEEN at FIREHAUS Over $1000 In Prizes including... $250 VISA GIFT CARD $100 BEST BUY GIFT CARD TRIP TO LAS VEGAS Get a Jack-O-Lantern Sharkbowl! World Series: Tigers vs Giants 7pm

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

SAT 10/27

HOMECOMING 2012 - Open at 8am $2.99 CHEESEBURGERS from 8am-10am - 2 Hours Only! Great Drink Specials All Day $2 Mimosas - $2 Bloody Marys 11am- ILLINI vs INDIANA Watch All The College Football Action!

World Series: Tigers vs Giants 7pm

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite NO COVER!

Costume Contest! $500 Cash for Best Individual Costume, $500 Cash for Best Group Costume, $100 for the Sexiest Costume

$2 Fireball and $3 Smirnoff Drinks

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

TUESDAY MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles, $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SATURDAY: HOMECOMING 2012 - Doors Open to the Public at 11am REVERSE FOOTBALL BLOCK! $1 DRAFTS!

SPECIAL NIGHT

LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED 10/24

$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles

SHACKER NIGHT Special Guest DJ! $5 24oz Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2.50 Fireball Whiskey Shots

THURS 10/25

Welcome Back!

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jager Bombs

FRI 10/26

Welcome Back!

Doors Open Early at 10AM!

HOMECOMING 2012 - Doors Open to the Public at 11am REVERSE FOOTBALL BLOCK! $1 DRAFTS!

SAT 10/27

Book your next party or event at Red Lion Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUN 10/28

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S 10/31: Possessed on Daniel St. Bacardi Halloween Party! $1,000 Cash Grand Prize for Best Costume! Other Contests: Best Homemade, Best Couple, Mummy Wrap $2 Bacardi Drinks – Zombie’s, Bat Bites & More | $2 Bloodweiser Bottles

MONDAY: "Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands CHAMPIONSHIP! $1500 in Cash & Prizes! $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles, Bud Girls & Giveaways, $2.50 Bacardi Drinks / $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Glowfest Pre-Party 3-7 Klub Kam’s! All High Energy featuring DJ Sevlo $3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks, $2 Big Long Islands, $1.50 16oz Hamm’s Cans, $2 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2.00 Jager Bombs

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Welcome Back! Party w/ Special Guest Chicagoland DJ sponsored by 4 Rebels Vodka $4 4 Rebel Drinks, $5 Blue Guys $2.50 Lite & Coors Lt Pints Homecoming Pint Glasses!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Homecoming! ILLINI vs. IND 11AM, Open 7AM $2.50 Bud Light Drafts & Cans BUD LT GIRLS & GAMES $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks $5 Blue Guys

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Funday Sunday Industry Night! $2.00 Anything in the House U get It All Here!

$2.50 Coronas $3 Any Draft

Trivia Night is BACK! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Night Football! BIG ASS DRINKS ALLNIGHT! $2 32oz Drafts, $2 Double Soco Drinks $4 Double Jack & Blue Guys Party w/ the Soco Girls Win Jerseys and Prizes!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

Karaoke Night! $4 Long Islands $5.50 MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $4 Well Doubles $1.50 Dekuyper Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

MON 10/29

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Nite Drinkin in Ur Mason Jar! $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3.00 Blue Guys, $2.00 Sauza Party w/ the Pinnacle Vodka Girls!

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles, $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge

TUES 10/30

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Possessed on Daniel St. Bacardi Halloween Party! $1,000 Cash Grand Prize for Best Costume! Other Contests: Best Homemade, Best Couple, Mummy Wrap $2 Bacardi Drinks – Zombie’s, Bat Bites & More | $2 Bloodweiser Bottles

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms

LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED 10/31

Welcome Back!

Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my

YOU A QUESTION

ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU WANT, BECAUSE THE ANSWER WILL ALWAYS BE THAT THE VILLAGE IS THE PLACE FOR YOU! • 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING.

• WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATENIGHT SERVICE. • AND SO MUCH MORE!

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com

[PartyPics]

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

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theblacksheeponline.com

bartenders of the week Favorite drink: Whiskey and Diet Coke with lime.

Relationship status: Single.

Relationship status: Taken.

Favorite drink: Whiskey and ginger ale.

Major: Communication.

Major: Blacking out.

Which celebrity do people say you look like: Blake Lively.

Best Sex position: Face banging.

Which celebrity do you want to bang: The cast of Magic Mike.

Craziest place you’ve had sex: Jerry Sandusky’s house.

Best sex position: Doggie style.

Celebrity you want to film a porno with: Rosie O’Donnell.

Worst pick up line: “Hey, I work at Kam’s… and I’m an ATO.”

Sexual Fantasy: Venus and Serena Williams.

Prediction about the election: Mitt’s the Tits.

Best Harry Potter character: The Asian chick.

Dream super power: Invisibility.

If you had an MTV reality show what would it be called? Intervention.

Sexual fantasy: Behind the side bar at Red Lion.

kiersten r. the red lion

First thing you’d buy if you won $1,000,000?: Open a tab at Red Lion. Quote of your life: “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”

the drinking game

Which Kardashian is hottest?: Khloe - I like fat girls.

tom c. the clybourne

Best drunk food: Breast milk. Dream super power: Shooting cum out of my finger tips. Best song from the ‘90s: "The Thong Song."

Recipe for Disaster

hocus pocus

pumpk’n pudd’n

For anyone who ever had an ounce of a real childhood, October is all about the Thirteen Nights of Halloween on ABC Family. Between sexy high school virgins and Sarah Jessica Parker as a witch, Hocus Pocus is bound to get anyone going.

‘Tis the season for jack o’ lanterns and stealing candy out of the hands of little, helpless children (okay, we’re not that heartless. We leave them a Skittle or two). This will put your excess pumpkins to use, in case you have some leftovers after throwing your pumpkin guts at the neighbors.

What You’ll Need: Beer and Hocus Pocus. Number of Players: As many as you can get. Everyone loves it, shouldn’t be too hard. Level of Intoxication: Great game to a get an early night buzz going. How to Play: - Sit back with some brewskies and watch Hocus Pocus. Anytime something on this list appears in the film, you must drink your beer for a few seconds. - Drink when: - A spell is cast. - Sarah Jessica Parker sings. - Someone mentions a virgin. - The black flame candle is mentioned. - Binks (in cat or human form) says “Emily.” - Max gets bullied. - Bette Midler says “sisters.” - Sarah Jessica Parker flirts. - The magic book’s eye moves. - If someone forgets to drink, they must shotgun a new can of beer. The Game Ends When: Spoiler Alert: The witches turn to stone! Shotgun your last beer, and enjoy the rest of the magical night.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

What You’ll Need: A pumpkin, rice, milk, brown sugar, and ground cinnamon. Cook Time: 45 minutes (but it’s well worth the wait!). Fatty Factor: You’ll get a hell of a sugar high but nothing too serious. Let’s Get Baked: - Combine 1 cup of rice, 3 cups of milk, and 1 cup of brown sugar in a saucepan. - Heat and stir until the mixture boils. - Continue to stir until rice is tender and most of the milk is absorbed. - Mix in a separate bowl 1 cup of mashed pumpkin and 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon. - Take your new mixture and put it into your heated concoction. - Stir in 1/2 cup of milk until it looks like a pudding mixture. - Let cool or chill in a refrigerator. - Once it’s set, dive on in and enjoy! If you’re trying to get real fancy wit’ it, sprinkle some cinnamon, pecans and whipped cream on top. This pudding will make you feel like you just got laid by someone who actually likes and respects you. No more pity sex, ever!

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

page 17

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the booze review Booze Review: vincent van gogh dutch caramel vodka | grade: b Overview: Not only was Van Gogh a badass painter, this dude knew how to toss back drinks with his bros like nobody’s business. History: Vincent Van Gogh was a Dutch post-Impressionist painter who suffered through boughts of anxiety and mental illness before dying from a supposed self-inflicted gunshot wound at a mere thirty-seven years of age. Historians have been studying his paintings for years, trying to read between the paint strokes of this disturbed human being, trying to find meaning and definition in his work and suicidal demise. It took them many years and many bottles of lowgrade vodka to realize the connection between all of his pieces: Van Gogh was a closet alcoholic who was dreaming of leaving the art world to open his own distillery. Not a believer? Take a look at his most famous paintings. The Night Café features a small, seemingly harmless Paris café, complete with fine gentlemen and a hand-crafted billiards table. In reality, this is the location that Van Gogh would pursue for his wild Wednesday night benders with local prostitutes. His Bedroom in Arles was really a before picture of his chamber prior to getting wasted off fine, eighty-year-old wine, pissing all over the floor, and writing prank letters to his rival artists in France. The Red Vineyard? It’s a vineyard; need we say more? Then there’s the classic Starry Night. You’d be seeing a fucked up, blurry skyline too if you were as smashed as he was every night.

After discovering this troubled man’s biggest passion in life (high-quality, deliciously rich vodka), historians and a small Dutch vodka company in need of a big break decided to carry on Van Gogh’s non-existent legacy in the world of alcohol. It is said that if every flavor is dumped out onto a canvas at the same time at just the right angles, a secret portrait Van Gogh never released to the public will appear before the maker’s very eyes... Typical Drinkers: People with two ears, people with one ear, aspiring Dutch artists, anyone with a sweet tooth, Postman Joseph Roulin, and starving artists in the bowels of Brooklyn. User Comments: “Van Gogh? Wait, we’re not taking shots of paint, are we?” “Let’s get top-shelf stuff like this more often!” “Man, this guy knows good vodka.” “Is this an acceptable form of candy to give out to trick-or-treaters?” Conclusion: This Dutch caramel flavor is only one of many available in the Van Gogh line (peanut butter and jelly too?!). We can only imagine the other delicious masterpieces that await our tongues.

Best Mixer: coke | Worst Mixer: watercolors

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From the Streets

candy in real life

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kimberly ann wrote this

What do you think of the Presidential debates thus far? “I probably should care, but I don’t.” - Judd V.

There’s Halloween candy you can’t get enough of, and you shamelessly steal it out of your younger sibling’s stash. Then there’s the candy that no one likes, the unmarked stuff in wax paper that sits there at the bottom of the bag until it hardens and crumbles apart. Turns out, people in Champaign are really similar to candy; there’s the people you want to nibble on all day long, and the ones that make you gag just by the sight of ‘em. Tootsie Pops: The football team may look hard and tough on the outside, but it doesn’t last long. Once you take a bite, they easily shatter. On the inside, they are so much softer than other (better) college teams at the core. How many licks does it take to get to the center? Just a few yards until Michigan cracks though and dominates the hell out of us. Snickers: On the exterior your ex-lover looks tasty and desirable, all that muscle and sugary goodness coated in a thick layer of old, satisfying memories. It’s a great snack until you realize why you left him in the first place: he is absolutely nuts on the inside. Get out of there before you’re tempted to have another. Skittles: Freshmen are always very eager to taste every color of the rainbow once they get onto campus. It only takes a few frat parties to realize they’re better off without all that nosecandy. Candy Corn: Frat stars may look good at first, but no matter how many times you try them, they are still as disgusting as before. Take your hand out of the bag and try something new for once. Your Favorite Expired Candy Behind Your Dresser: It’s like going to Kam’s or hooking up with your ex-boyfriend “just one last time.” You know it’s not the best idea, but it’s too good of an offer to pass up. You know you like it; you know it will satisfy you. So why not take a bite?

Sweet Tarts: This candy is just like that guy at the bar who insists on buying you drinks all night. Hey, why not keep snacking on him? After all, he’s pretty sweet and yummy to look at. But it’s just a matter of time until you have to drop the bomb. He’s going to turn sour when you tell him you’re nowhere near drunk enough to sleep with him. Milk Duds: Just like a stage five clinger, Milk Duds like to hang out for a while, especially in your mouth if you know what I mean. Gum Balls: Sorostitutes are cheap and available at a machine on almost every corner. They’re quick to chew up, blow, and pop once you’ve had your fun. There’s always another flavor available for a quarter or two. They’re also good for popping another girl’s bubble when they find out their boyfriend cheated on them with another. Ring Pops: Like one night stands, they seem like a delicious change of pace at first, but then you realize you’ve landed yourself in a sticky situation soon after. Ring Pops are notorious for leaving a sugary coating all over your fingers that won’t go away no matter how many times you wash your hands. And when that rando hookup won’t stop texting you and brings all of her weird “emotions” into it, you wished you had never opened the package to begin with. Lemon Heads: If you eat too many of these bad boys, expect a sore-filled mouth by the end of the box. They burn just as bad as the newly earned STDs on your privates from rawdoggin' too many randoms. Traditional trick-or-treating may not be generally accepted on college campuses, but why settle for candy when you can fill your bag with tasty people instead? Wait, no, we’re not condoning cannibalism.

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continued from the cover

page 19

“It’s like no one knows what Homecoming weekend is,” Old Balls thinks to himself. It’s supposed to be when the football team returns to their home field after a long series of away games. To these obvious Satanists though, it just seems like a time to drink with the recentlygraduated and hit on the married. No one even goes to the game. The tickets were selling on StubHub a few weeks ago for less than two dollars. The games are now simply an excuse to drink during the day. After wandering through the Quad, Old Balls slowly makes his way back to Green Street but not before noticing a certain stench near the Illini Union Bookstore. "Hey, this seems familiar," Old Balls silently ponders. And then he sees it, the glowing lights of Kam’s. He quickly picks up the pace and walks directly towards the bar’s entrance. Surprisingly, Kam’s seems just like Mr. Old Balls remembered. Beer and puke swelled into a signature aroma, an unnecessary cover charge at the door, and a shoe cemented into the Petri dish that they call a floor sent him spiraling back to the days of yore. But by God, is it great. Old Balls struts to the bar to order himself a Miller High Life for old time’s sake. Wait a minute. These bars are obviously serving underage kids. Maybe not directly, but the underage business appears to be the foundation of these institutions. Is this place so deep in its descent towards the seven-layered home of the evil one that they don’t even respect the law? It’s the law. It has to be right. After finally getting a bartender’s attention and receiving his drink - which took about twenty minutes longer than he felt comfortable with - he tapped a girl wearing a bright orange pumpkin costume on the shoulder to ask when everything on campus went so wrong. She shrieked, “Undercover!” and ran into a wall behind her and collapsed. Her friends, in matching fruit and vegetable attire, were encouraging her to keep drinking, as opposed to walking away. It appears they would rather see a train wreck than guide it to safety. For the love of all that is sacred, send the National Guard. This university needs some serious guidance. Old Balls leaves Kam’s with a slight sadness in his heart, not sure how much more of this forsaken campus he can handle. He takes one last stroll down Green Street, past the blubbering, drunken idiots waited outside Jimmy John’s and the stiff, upright police officer waiting to hand out tickets for any slight infraction. In the distance, Old Balls eyes land on the corner of Green and Wright. Ahhh! They’ve taken the Alma Mater away. Damn you! Damn you all the way to hell! It’s just a podium now where groups of hooligans can come to take pictures of themselves pretending to blow each other. No wonder our Homecoming Football team isn’t performing! This university has no soul!

"Now it’s just a podium where groups of hooligans come to take pictures of themselves pretending to blow each other!"

Hysterically Hilarious Hurried Halloween Habiliment Helper Start!

gender cat/hippie Slutty hooker/ box robot/ risque bizniz neutral ghost ryan locthe

the interview

the hush sound

The Hush Sound is a Chicago rock band that plays music and has also been known to eat food. After going on hiatus in 2009, they recently announced a reunion tour across the Midwest. To celebrate, we deigned to speak with vocalist and guitarist Bob Morris, as well as vocalist and pianist Greta Morgan. They were nice. They'll be playing at the House of Blues in Chicago on Friday, October 26th. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: What brought about The Hush Sound doing a reunion tour after being on hiatus for several years? Bob Morris: It was a perfect storm. We were happy just doing shows together once in a while, but our personal lives just all lined up. Greta and I got back in touch, we’ve grown in some cool ways and we’re all excited to play music together again, so we decided to tour. TBS: When you say, “getting back in touch,” what do you mean by that? Like, what to what degree did you guys stay in touch when you were on hiatus? Bob: Stressing about the break, or without the understanding of what we were, there wasn’t that much communication. Time heals all wounds. We realized that there wasn’t anything actually wrong, it was just issues we created ourselves. The day I quit this other band I instinctually called Greta. She’s like family, even if we were mad at each other at some point. Eventually we started hanging out and playing music, and we decided to do a tour. TBS: What’s it like preparing for a tour when you haven’t played music together regularly for several years? Greta Morgan: We take it on a show-by-show basis. We’ve played a few times a year for the past three years. Whether they were private college shows or hometown Chicago shows, we’ve been getting together, rehearsing the songs. Approaching these old songs, we can find something new in an old lyric, something that’s about our lives now. I mean, I wrote most of these songs before I graduated high school, and we put out our last album when I was 18, I think. TBS: So do you ever look back at your songs and say, “What the hell was I thinking?” Bob: Yes, I do think that sometimes. At the same time, when you say something and you’re young, it’s before you’ve seen anything in the world, so it’s this primal, reactionary thing. I think there’s something special about a band’s first album that is hard to replicate, but as you do it again you get better and better at expressing yourself. TBS: Is there anything where it’s just too embarrassing, where it’s just like, “No way we’re doing this song?” Greta: Oh yeah. Bob: Oh yeah. Greta: That’s what I was saying about finding something new about a song. There are a few songs during rehearsal where Bob would say, “There’s no emotion to your vocals,” but it’s hard to flash back to when you’re 16 so you can feel it. Bob would say, “Try it like it’s an instrument—like you’re a trombone player or it’s a flute.” Bob saying that all of a sudden shows you this old thing in a new way and you can find something new in it. TBS: What do you expect to get out of this short tour? Greta: It’s just an experiment to see how much fun we can have touring and playing together. Also, it’s really exciting to reconnect with fans that saw us in 2005 or 2006, their tastes have changed, as have ours. Beyond that, it’s wild to see these kids all grown up with their husbands or wives or kids. It’s a wild transition. Bob: And to your point about music taking on a new meaning, a friend of ours, Eric from Gold Motel (Ed. Note: Greta’s other band) just tweeted about how music you listen to when you’re 14 to 17 sticks with you. I know what he’s talking about—when I listen to some of the punk I listened to growing up, I think “Man, some of this is really awful.” TBS: Yeah, I know an embarrassing amount of KoRn songs. Speaking of touring, what’s the weirdest venue you’ve played in? Bob: We’ve played in a parking lot of Augusta, Georgia when the promoter didn’t have a PA, and a club in Long Island that had glass showers all around the club. Greta: Yeah, it was a strip club turned into a strip club. It was super-weird. When we started we’d play basements, Legion halls and VFWs. TBS: How do you engage with a crowd when you’re on stage? Greta: It’s really up to the band to start the ignition, but whether or not the audience responds in an excited, unguarded way, or if they stand back and just hang out, that determines how a show will go. Bob: And however potent the ecstasy is that we hand out before the show. TBS: Remind me to stop by your show.

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

cloud atlas in theaters october 26

This trippy movie starring Tom Hanks and Halle Berry tells a tale of how your individual actions from way back in the day will effect what happens to you (and others) well into the future, even when “you” aren’t around anymore. Equal parts action, mystery, and romance, this film sees actors negotiate different roles in different points in the movie’s history. They’re the same, but different. Whoa, man, this is deep.

the walking dead sunday, october 28 at 9pm on amc

In the third episode of season three Andrea and Michonne are still struggling through the zombie apocalypse, but they do stumble upon a new community of survivors. Now an epic decision needs to be made; should they stay with them via the whole “power in numbers” philosophy, or should they stick with what they know? #zombieproblems

calvin harris - 18 months in stores october 30

18 Months is the third studio release from Scottish DJ and producer Calvin Harris, the same guy who brought you “Feel So Close,” the whimsical tune about the feelings EDM kids get when they take drugs together and go to a Calvin Harris show. His latest single “Sweet Nothing” features the lovely sounds of Florence Welch, which seems appropriate given the title of the song.

play Halloween bingo! Send in pictures that lead to BINGO and win a prize! Email us at bingo@theblacksheeponline.com

Playboy Bunny

Pirate

French Maid

Cheerleader

Nurse

Beer Wench

Firefighter

Toga

Hippie

Cat woman

School Girl

Pilot

Angel

Bumble Bee

Devil

Ladybug

Police Officer

Girl scout

Sailor

Fairy

Cave Girl

Witch

Disney Princess

Jailbird

the classtime Husband: • Rob Zombie • Pinhead • Count von Count • Mike Myers wife: • Elvira, Mistress of the Dark • Carrie White • Roseanne Barr • Samara Morgan met at: • A pet sematary •Those hills that have eyes • The house at the end of the street • Camp Crystal Lake

Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.

wedding dinner: • BRAAAAAAAAAINS!!! • Franken Berry • The blood of 1,000 babies • Liver, with fava beans and a nice chianti

Honeymoon Destination: • Sunny Transylvania • A cabin in the woods • Amityville • The Overlook Hotel favorite rom-com: • Evil Dead III: Army of Darkness • Troll 2 • Killer Klowns from Outer Space • The Killer Condom

double date couple: • The Frankensteins • Jack Skellington and Sally • Chucky and his bride • Gomez and Morticia Addams How you die: • By creepy kids • A zombie attack • Becoming possessed • Stabbing. Lots of stabbing. shared tombstone quote: • “ ‘Till death do us fart!” • “We’ll be back.” • “Eh. Have you seen a horror movie?” • “Paging Dr. Frankenstein!”

some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever How to play Doodle option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.

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the classtime spooky movies

Scream dracula the haunting blair witch project poltergeist the ring halloween nightmare on elm street the shining aliens silence of the lambs jaws pyscho the exorcist godzilla paranormal activity saw anaconda white noise frakenstein the grudge

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