Illinois - Issue 10 - 10/23/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Vol. 23, Issue 10

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

10/23/13 - 10/30/13

CLIFF ALEXANDER: A “STUDENT’S” OPEN LETTER BY: John Groce Rohn… Macbook

Hi Cliff,

You don’t know me, I’m just an average Joe student. I heard you were coming into town this weekend for a recruiting trip, so I thought I’d take this opportunity to tell you what’s so great about the good ol’ U of I. You see, a few years ago I was just like you — I had a bunch of schools courting me for my top-tier sousaphone skills. Not to get too high-and-mighty with you Cliff, but I was — still am — one heck of a sousaphone player. All the big players in college band were knocking at my door: Ohio, Jackson State, Mechanicsburg Community College. And what did I choose? I chose Illinois. I’ll admit, it was a tough decision, but with strong academics, a low cost of living, peers you’d be happy to call life friends and a handsome, bald-but-he-can’t-help-it-his-wife-loves-him-anyway [sousaphone] coach, I knew the University of Illinois was the place for me. Illinois prides itself on taking boys and turning them into highcaliber leaders of tomorrow. For example, off the top of my head, say, Deron Williams. He was a young boy from Texas who also happened to be a good basketball player. Now? He’s a man, a basketball man, who just so happens to have a $100 million dollar contract. And he worked under that Orange-jacketed schlub Weber, not the new, chiseled Adonis of a coach they have now. Now, Cliff, give it over to your mom a second. Ms. Alexander — I know you’re a big part of Cliff’s decision. First, let me say living in Champaign would give Cliff the opportunity to live independently and become his own man, while only being a short drive away from home if he’s ever got a hankerin’ for your famed taco soup that I [heard head coach and loving father John Groce] loved so much. Send him off to Michigan State and he’d be a solid 20 hour drive away, not to mention the mostly-true rumors that Tom Izzo locks his players up and never lets their moms visit, even during Christmas. Ms. Alexander, you should know Illini basketball is on the horizon of an era of greatness — the days when our players got in drunk car accidents and left each other for dead are over. Cliff could become the founding father for an era of Illini basketball championships, and with my his John Groce Patented Transition Offense, I’ll — he’ll — be preparing Cliff for life in the NBA. But my dear Ms. Alexander, I don’t want to bore you with the details, so if you just want to hand this on over to Cliff, we can talk the nitty-gritty about what Groceball brings to the table. continued on page 19

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Slutty Cat Vows to Stay Classy This Halloween

John Groce Debuts Uncle Fester Costume

The Black Sheep Interviews: Steve-O

Only plans to have sex with four guys and a fire hydrant.

And attempts to discuss the future of the Illini basketball team.

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#goodtimes Word

Kitty Kat, I’m hoping to throw the world’s best tailgate for this weekend’s Homecoming game … but I have no idea what I’m doing. Usually I just get super trashed at block. Any advice? Sincerely, Helpless for Homecoming Ay buddy, Props to you for skipping block on Homecoming and mixing it up a bit. I mean, since the game is at 2 p.m., you can still head to Kam’s in the morning as long as you stay functional enough to grill some wieners later on. First thing first, you need a shopping list. You’re gonna need hot dogs, beer, buns, hamburger patties, more buns, cheese, ketchup, mustard, relish, pickles, onions, tomatoes, more beer, lettuce, BBQ sauce, more cheese, more beer, ice, chips, lots of salsa, pretzels, red cups, ping pong balls, a few more cases of beer, and Illini foam fingers. Once you have all that, invest in a quality grill and a quality cooler. You can’t have a successful tailgate without these essential items. Next, scope out the prime spot for you to post up camp. Since it’s probably gonna be a cold ass day, get as close to the stadium as possible. Get someone with a badass truck with a huge bed, lay down some blankets and make a sick playlist on your iPhone. This is essential. The day of the game, maybe make some brownies or some chili cheese dip to impress the guys. And I guess that should be it, right? Food and beer—I think that about covers everything. Wear the orange and blue and get ready for us to get rocked. Later, Kitty Kat

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Ventitillate

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To arouse a sexual partner by blowing. With air. “Patrick ventitillated Mary by blowing in her ear; after, she was his for the taking.”

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Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UIUC and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

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Slutty Cat Vows to Stay Classy This Halloween By: Strawberry Shortcock “Halloween is my absolute favorite day of the year,” said Katie Burton, a junior in education from Wheeling, Illinois. “I mean, I love Jesus and all, but I’d say Halloween’s even better than Christmas.” Burton, who describes herself as a “total Halloween nut-buster,” plans to approach Halloween a little differently this year. As it stands, Burton has a respected tradition of feline-inspired costumes, known locally as the “Slutty Cat Series.” Although she intends to introduce her newest outfit to the line this year, Burton says a shift in mentality is what she’s most looking forward to this season. Instead of using Halloween as her yearly outlet to “slut it all out,” Burton has vowed to “keep it classy” for the two weeks of Halloween celebrations she has planned. “I’ve been a sexy cat ever since I got into high school,” she said. “Over the years, I’ve been a sexy cat, a sexy kitten, sexy cheetah, sexy Puss N’ Boots, sexy furry white snow leopard and sexy Hermione after she turns into a sexy cat in that

Harry Potter movie.” This year, Burton said she’s “putting a new spin” on the sexy cat costume. Rather than wearing tired accessories like cat ears, a furry tail and a motley combination of corsets, tutus and fishnet stockings, Burton says she’s only wearing nipple pasties in the shape of “tiny kitty cat paw prints” and a pair of bootyshorts that say “meow” on the ass. When asked if she would draw on whiskers to complete the outfit, however, Burton rolled her eyes and violently mumbled something about how she “fucking hates stereotypes about cat costumes.” Burton’s biggest challenge this year will be to fulfill her promise to stay classy during campus-wide Halloween celebrations. Burton clarified that to her, keeping it classy meant precisely four guidelines for each night: 1.) Only have sex with one guy (or gal) a night, unless said sexual encounter is an intentional threesome (threesomes limit one per season).

2.) Refrain from calling other sexy cats “taint-faced testicle jockeys” and instead maintain an air of slut solidarity. 3.) Politely decline any invitation to “drink scotch with the boys,” so as to not relive the “shitty kitty” poop incident of Halloween 2009. 4.) Don’t get kicked out of Jimmy John’s for licking their counters and purring. Otherwise, any mistake she may make is “fair game.” According to her friends, Burton is “highly unlikely” to follow any of these rules. “We’re talking about the same girl who masturbated with a piece of candy and then wrote a blog called ‘Kit Kat Kitty Kat’ detailing the experience,” the source said. “Ain’t gonna' happen. She’ll totally relapse.” Burton, however, remains confident that she can stick to her goal. “This year, I’m doing Halloween differently,” she said.

Halloween’s eve humpday WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES MIDNIGHT, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

“I absolutely refuse to sleep with a guy if he half-asses his Halloween costume. Like if he just lazily wears a Tebow jersey or the same cowboy outfit he wore to barn dance. I’m not that easy. I’ve been with too many Michael Vicks to know that if a man’s not creative on Halloween, he’s sure as hell not creative in bed.” At any rate, Burton said that sexy cat costumes get a bad rap, and that’s part

of the reason she plays up the slutfactor each year. “It’s liberating, you know? There’s something powerful and animalistic about all that raw sexuality. Call me a slut all you want, but I still think there’s something super empowering about a sexy cat outfit. And when I’m out there, walking around, it feels a bit like feminism, you know? I feel like I’m just screaming at people—daring them— to embrace my inner pussy.”

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s n r u B x e l p m o C t n e m Apart By: Dan Mirabelli A Halloween party ended in tragedy last night when an apartment on the corner of First and Daniel caught fire, leaving twenty-three students injured and many more traumatized. Sources indicate that the fire began due to a stand off between two students who arrived wearing the same costume. Jenny Scott and Ali Tanner, both big fans of Miley Cyrus, decided to pay their respects to the star by dressing up as her for Halloween. However, “dressing up” may be an overstatement according to some guests of the party. “They both had next to nothing on,” vented Carla Romano. “They were crossing the line. I definitely saw labia. Once they saw each other, it really started getting out of hand.” Upon making eye contact with Jenny, Ali allegedly put on “Wop” by J Dash in an effort stake her claim as the best Miley at the party. The twerking battle that ensued claimed the first victim of the party. Matt Rodriguez, a sophomore afflicted with epilepsy, was sent into a seizure by the brutal twerk-off. “The doctors have no clue how it happened,” recalled Matt. “Their asses were just shaking so much that it was scarily disorienting. The last thing I remember before I went into seizure was the sound

me Costume After Two Girls Show Up In Sa

of my buddy puking all over a couch.” Without a clear winner in the twerking contest, the girls allegedly began searching for more ways to prove who represented Miley best. “Jenny started trying to make out with an ice-cream scooper, and then Ali really upped it by going down on the sink faucet,” explained Greg Keller, an aroused togawearing eyewitness.

“Miley doesn’t even look good with short hair. How is your zit-covered face going to even come close, bitch?” Jenny, angry that she had been upstaged, reportedly turned the water on in an attempt to embarrass Ali. Unbeknownst to her, someone had just finished cleaning out some red cups with hot water because the host “was a cheap piece of shit.” Ali spewed the scalding hot water into Jenny’s face, eliciting a wail of pain and rage. Momentarily blinded, Jenny then allegedly took her papier-mâché wrecking ball and smashed it over a bystander’s head.

“Ali ran into the linen closet and rounded up an electric razor and a half gallon of bleach,” explained Greg. “When Jenny saw that, she ran into one of the other bedrooms. The next thing we knew she was putting together a prison-style tattoo gun from objects around the apartment.” Within minutes Jenny had started tattooing an anchor on her wrist, and Ali was furiously buzzing her hair while dumping bleach all over her head. “The anchor was looking really shitty and I think that Jenny figured that out, so she stopped and decided to rip on Ali’s new haircut to make herself feel better,” Greg said. And that was when Jenny dropped the line that brought the night to its fiery end. “Miley doesn’t even look good with short hair. How is your zit-covered face going to even come close, bitch?” Jenny allegedly yelled at Ali, who was in the bathroom at the time. Ali then lunged across the room, livid that Jenny would dare to insult Miley’s style. “They were pulling hair and scratching each other, it was amazing. Definitely one of the top moments of my life,” raved Greg. “Jenny pushed Ali and start-

ed throwing beer bottles at her. There was glass everywhere; I even got a battle wound.” Keller pulled his sleeve up, proudly exposing what appeared to be a small paper cut. “And that was when Ali lit up a Molotov cocktail and threw it in Jenny’s direction,” Greg said, starry eyed. “It seemed like slow motion.” The bottle smashed against a wall, engulfing it in flames. As the party-goers ran in panic, the fire spread, consuming the room. Emergency crews arrived quickly but not before the inferno had eaten its way through the entire second floor. All told, the damages were upwards of ten thousand dollars, partly because the apartment complex was pretty heinous to begin with. Both girls are currently in custody at the Champaign Police Department with a hearing scheduled in the coming weeks.

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Freshman Girl Hopes for One Last Chance at Homecoming Court By: Sammie Sea

Because of general apathy towards Homecoming, University officials have slacked on the itinerary recently, leaving many of the events just a mere mention on an online calendar. However, recent interest in Homecoming by a clueless freshman has begun to cause a panic in the UIUC social committee. Freshman DGS student Bridget Mahoney has been making regular visits to the event planning offices within the Illini Union, inquiring about the timeline of events such as after-class decorating hours, Homecoming court nominations and, of course, the Homecoming dance. Sources indicate that Mahoney’s sense of Homecoming at the college level is warped due to a traumatic high school experience. “It was almost like a Carrie moment,” commented friend of Mahoney and fellow UIUC student, Jackie Haney. “Only someone accidently spilled red paint on her during the Homecoming court ceremony instead of blood. She completely overreacted, and no one really wanted an irrational bitch as Homecoming queen.” Those close to Mahoney believe that the young freshman has been seeking redemption ever since the incident during the fall of 2012. Due to the incident’s occurrence during her senior year, the Homecoming fixation transferred over to college along with her AP credit hours and obsession with UV Blue. Due to the lack of actual Homecoming events on campus, Mahoney has taken it upon herself to establish a student council to plan for the big day this Saturday. “Our theme this year is going to be Disney movies!” stated Mahoney excitedly. “We’ve already decorated Foellinger to resemble the inside of Cinderella’s castle and Noyes as the seven dwarves' cottage due to the miniature lecture accommodations.”

Despite a pitiful, five-person turnout for hall decorating, Mahoney remains optimistic about the project, indicating her faith that students will begin to get in the Homecoming spirit. Recently, the naïve freshman put together a ballot for Homecoming court complete with a list of randomly chosen candidates in top tier sorority and fraternity houses, including herself. “The psychotic hose beast has been at our house everyday for the past week campaigning for Homecoming queen,” commented one anonymous frat star. “I’ve been here for five years, and I’ve consistently blacked out before the Homecoming tailgate. Unless I get to bang her, I couldn’t care less about her getting a damn plastic crown.” Coincidently, the University of Illinois does hold an annual Homecoming court; however the procedure for joining is much more than a petty popularity contest. At the collegiate level, the court is based off of a rigorous application process requiring candidates to attain the position through interviews and qualifications rather than cup size. “We’ve really been trying to steer away from the whole idea of a popularity contest with Homecoming and make it more about merit and personality,” commented court chairman, Victor Ortiz. “A lot of girls didn’t peak in high school and frankly, they’re not peaking now either. It just makes the playing field more even for those who want their fifteen minutes.” As pathetic as it is, Mahoney continuously insists that there is more to a U of I Homecoming than just alums reliving their glory days by getting hammered at Kam’s and slurring about how the University has gone to shit since the removal of the Chief, but sadly we all know that’s all that Homecoming really is.

Champaign Police Prepared for Halloween By: Ben Bacardi With the influx of visitors bound to come to Champaign this weekend and the ever-present binge drinking being taken to a new level, the Champaign Police are getting ready for Halloween weekend, which is sure to be filled with vandalism, underage drinking and intoxicated brawls on Green Street. “I got one of those candy bowls with the hand that grabs your hand as you try to get candy,” laughed Officer John Marksman, a five year veteran of the force. “I have this awesome party all planned out, too. I invited a lot of the other policemen and some other friends. It’s going to be so great and maybe even a little spooky!” Marksman isn’t the only one who’s prepared for the crazy holiday weekend. “I made sure to get Halloween off so I could go to Marksy’s party,” said Chief of Police, Anthony Cobb. “I’m going as Spiderman, and my wife is going as Mary Jane. I even found this great recipe for a candy corn mixed drink on Pinterest and a couple of other ideas that will sure make this party a haunting hoot!” “We have a 'best costume' contest every year,” said Marksman. “Last year, Sheriff Walsh won for his Paris Hilton costume. He even brought a little stuffed dog and kept saying ‘that’s hot.’ He was so into it, it was great. I’m excited to see who will win this year. Sheriff Walsh said he plans on topping himself this year but would only give me a two word clue about what he was going to be.” “Wrecking ball,” said Sheriff Walsh, winking. “I think you could guess what that means. This year is going to be even better than last year. I heard that Cobb is bringing a drink he found on Pinterest. I’m bringing my world famous jungle juice, and I saw this cool thing where you can make handprint ice cubes. Definitely going to make the whole thing more frightening! I don’t think I’ve ever seen an entire department so prepared for a Halloween.”

English Building Ghost

Hates Halloween By: Ben Bacardi

For the ghost that haunts the English Building, Halloween is just a holiday full of posers. This year she plans on staying hidden from the roaring crowds of costumes, claiming the whole “dressing up thing” is just a bit “too mainstream” for her taste. “Back when I was alive, I read a lot of old books and wrote a poem every day. It’s no big deal or anything, it’s just what I liked to do,” she said while pushing her glasses up her nose. On Halloween, she tends to get a little tired of people ripping off her artistic style. “Everybody makes such a big deal about Halloween,” said the ghost that haunts the English Building, “It’s the worst time of the year for me.” The ghost, who has been a resident of the English Building ever since she drowned there in 1905, said she doesn’t like all the extra attention she gets. “Yeah, I’m a ghost, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings,” she said. “All these people talk about me, try to ‘conjure’ me, tell stories that frankly aren’t true, and it gets so much worse on Halloween. I’d literally rather drown again than have to deal with these Hallowannabes. And if I see one more pathetic attempt at a ghost costume with a sheet and some cut-out holes, I swear…” When asked what her plans were for Halloween, the

ghost said, “I’d like to leave, but technically my soul is tethered to the building. The only way I could conceivably get out of here would be to inhabit somebody with a complete emptiness in their soul, and I wouldn’t be able to find one of those until finals.” Though it seems like she’s set to have an awful weekend, not everything is looking completely bleak for her. “I decided that since I won’t be celebrating this horrible holiday, I can at least make the most of it,” she said. “I’m going to pull a sort of Moaning Myrtle thing and make fun of people when they poo. I kind of feel bad about doing it, but if people get to have fun at my expense around this time of the year, then I don’t see why I can’t have fun at theirs.”

John Groce Debuts Uncle Fester Halloween Costume

The

Top

Ten

Scariest Things You'll Find Out on Halloween Night By: UIUC staff

The Black Sheep knows you've been making plans and getting excited about Halloween weekend for a few weeks now. So have we! Check us out at Kam’s on the 31st for a zombie party unlike any other! But if you’re too lame to party with us that night, we want to warn you about some of the disturbing things you might find out while you're drinking Halloween night away. Beware!

By: Benny Boy Last Thursday, head coach John Groce held a meeting with local sports press affiliates to discuss the upcoming season of Illini Men’s Basketball. Following last year’s successful season, which included an upset win against a #1-ranked Indiana team, many have speculated over how the team has developed during the off-season and how Groce’s new team is going to fare against this year’s tough schedule. Groce appeared confident as he addressed the press and expressed excitement for the new season, despite some challenges down the road. “Ladies and gentlemen of the press, thank you all for coming today,” Groce addressed the audience. “This time of year always gives me goosebumps. I mean, I can almost hear the roar of Assembly Hall now. Or, should I say State Farm Center? I can never get used to that! All joking aside, I am very confident that our young team can overcome the obstacles ahead of us. Now, if there are any questions you guys have, I’d be happy to answer them.” The first to have the floor was a reporter from Champaign’s News-Gazette. “Mr. Groce, thank you for having all of us here today. First I just want to say that I love the Uncle Fester costume. I watched The Addams Family all the time when I was a kid, and you’re nailing it right now! Anyway, what changes have you made to the team’s approach to defense this season?” “Okay, good question. But before I answer, I’ll just say that I’m not actually dressed as Uncle Fester right now, although that does remind me that I need to get candy for trick-or-treaters next week. But yes, we have been focusing on our defensive game a lot. I think we really need to focus on creating turnovers if we want to survive against some of the more aggressive teams on our schedule.” The next to respond was an affiliate from ESPN. “Groce, I gotta say that I love your devotion to this Uncle Fester thing. You even shaved your head and everything! It’s like I’m watching a movie right now!”

“Okay, I’m gonna have to go ahead and stop you right there,” Groce quickly responded. “Again, I am not dressed as Uncle Fester, the famous Addams Family character played by Jackie Coogan. If you really want to know, I shaved my head because I started balding after college and so I just decided to go all the way with it. Alright? I don’t appreciate when people draw attention to it. Yes, you in the purple. What do you want?” A young lady in a purple blazer took the mic. “Yes, hello John Groce, thank you. Sports Illustrated would like to know if your depiction of Uncle Fester Addams was inspired by the Coogan era of the 1960’s or by Christopher Lloyd’s 1991 performance in The Addams Family film?” “First of all, nobody in their right mind would purposefully go for the Christopher Lloyd Fester. If I were to do Fester I would go Coogan all the way, but that's beyond the point. I am not wearing an Uncle Fester costume right now, nor am I acting in any way that would suggest that I was attempting to portray Uncle Fester Addams of The Addams Family. Never once have I gone fishing with dynamite nor can I generate electricity out of my mouth. The only electricity I can produce is on the basketball court.” “Did you do it for the arts?!” an excited reporter yelled out, interrupting Groce. “No, no! I am not playing a character. I am not pretending to be Uncle Fester right now. I am not a fan of the arts, either. Sports! I am a sports guy!” At this moment a small child approached the podium, “Mr. Fester, can I have your autograph?” “No. No you can not have Uncle Fester’s autograph. You know why? Because Uncle Fester is dead. That’s right, he’s fucking dead and I killed him.” Groce angrily stood up from his chair and smacked over the microphone before muttering a few curse words and leaving the stand.

10.) University President Robert Easter's Costume: We're not too sure what it's going to be yet, but last week he tweeted out a picture of the Little Debbie girl and said “gettin' ready 4 halloween” with a winky face, so we have some pretty disturbing ideas of what that means. Either he’s dressing up as a small child or giving out some pretty sick snacks to trick-or-treaters. 9.) What That Kid in the Corner is Going to Do With That Scythe: He hasn't been talking to anyone and for some reason he has a scythe with him. The invitation clearly said, “No Costumes, please,” even though we’re not sure what type of Halloween party would include those instructions. Regardless, he has a strange look in his eye and a bottle clearly marked “chloroform” in his left pocket. 8.) What Dr. Sinner is Going to Do With All the Animals: We've seen the way he's been looking at them in his Animal Science 101 class all semester—eyeing them up and down seductively. We're not too sure what he's going to do with them, but whatever it is it will probably show up in the weird section of YouTube in a few weeks. You know, the area you get into after searching “hot girl licking puppy.” 7.) The Alma Mater was Alive the Whole Time: There have been reports of massive tremors over on Sixth and Daniel and students being terrorized by a bronze beast. It's not clear what she's after, but we're pretty sure your drunk friend is going to shit his pants when he walks out of Kam's to find himself face-to-face with a 15-foot steel giant. 6.) That Slutty Cat Was a Dude: You had a purrfect night with her at your friend’s kegger, but it took you until second base to find out her tail was tucked between her legs the whole time. Not that that really bothered you or anything… 5.) The Hair Dye You Used for Your Miley Cyrus Costume Doesn't Come Out: Bad news, the bottle said “PERMANENT,” but you were too excited about your costume to read it. Oh yeah, your friend got a hold of that hammer you brought with you to your friend's apartment too. You owe them a new lamp. 4.) Where That Piece of Candy Corn Went: No matter how much you screamed and playfully pushed your boyfriend away, things got real weird and he shoved that piece of candy corn somewhere we can't even talk about. It’s just an excuse for him to get a treat of his own later on. 3.) The Girl Dressed up as a Vampire Actually Bites: Things were going pretty well until she actually tried to suck your blood and you found out she wasn't wearing a costume at all. Not sure how you feel about the whole dominatrix thing, but it’s worth trying out. 2.) You Spent All Your Beer Money on a Costume: That $30 you wasted on a wizard hat that you’ll never wear again could've been better spent on a beer can wizard staff. And you would have built a much more creative costume in the process. 1.) The Werewolf You Went Home With Doesn't Shave ... Anywhere: Yikes! Halloween is every day of the year for this guy and just like many of the victims in your favorite horror classics, you found yourself lost in the forest after dark. Your freshly shaven lady parts will be howling after you two are done turning in the night.

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Recently Re-Convened Congress Faces Polarizing Debate

Over Provisions for Annual Halloween Party By: Benny Boy

“The Republican Party would like to make clear its opinion that the giant tarantula overseeing the senate chamber is more along the lines of a ‘Creepy-Crawly’ party theme, when it was decided in January that we would proceed in a more supernatural, spooky idiom.” Such is the rhetoric being used by House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy in debates over provisions for the House’s annual Halloween Hullabaloo, a current point of contention between the recently re-convened parties of the US House of Representatives. The issue became a major focus of debate last week when House Speaker John Boehner announced his intention to attend the party at Walter White, which was met with fierce opposition by the Democrats, spearheaded by President Obama who claimed that he made his intention of going as Walter White clear in this year’s State of the Union Address. Tensions were further heightened when Boehner suggested

that Obama instead go as Gustavo Fring, to which Obama replied, “Wait, why do I gotta be Gus?” The two have not spoken or touched legislation since. The debate then mutated into an argument over the constitutionality of having Washington state representatives select the spooky playlist for the event, a practice which has been in place since the Fred B. Norman era of 19431945. It was then debated whether Halloween was even a thing when the constitution was drafted. After researching for a minute on his iPhone, Illinois representative Aaron Schock announced that Halloween derived from Welsh folklore, and that the term “Halloween” was established well before the drafting of the Constitution, making its implied inclusion in the document fairly plausible. Washington state representative Doc Hastings then added that Halloween did not migrate to the Americas until the 20th century due to puritanic opposition of the holiday during the 18th and 19th centuries, implying that the hullabaloos of said

holiday were not strictly regulated in the document. The case will soon go to the Supreme Court. “The Washington representatives just play ‘The Monster Mash’ over and over,” New York representative Charles B. Rangel related to the press. “Truthfully, that’s also what I would play if I were in charge of the playlist, but it’s the principle of the matter.” Radical Republicans have even gone so far as to call the entire costume-wearing custom an affront to the lower-class representatives from Montana and Wyoming. Republican Majority leader Eric Cantor stands at the forefront of this radical movement, “The Democrats would have you believe that every representative can afford flashy Walter White costumes, but that simply isn’t the case. Forcing every person to wear a costume hurts the representatives from small constituents like Nevada, Oklahoma, and stuff like that.” Despite being a fierce opponent to the costume requirement, Cantor himself will once

again be reprising his Satan costume. “Just because I don’t think the Idaho people need to wear costumes doesn’t mean I won’t be dressing up myself. My Beelzebub costume was the hit of the party last year, I can’t not go as the Dark Lord again.” At the rate that party legislation is currently moving, it will take a small

miracle for the Halloween Hullabaloo to be ready in time for Halloween, which House members predict will be sometime near the end of October. There is a ray of hope, however, which lies with the bi-partisan members of the House: although having petty disagreements about which food and music should be present at the party, both sides agree that there should be plenty of booze.

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 Sunday Night's Show GRIZ : The Rebel Era Tour with TWO FRESH and MARVEL YEARS

TUESDAY! WALKING DEAD WINE NIGHT All Zombie Barstaff, $8 Bottles of Wine, $2 Wells featuring Svedka Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles

FRIDAY: RAVE 2 THE GRAVE! Costume Party & Zombie Twerk-Off DJ Belly & Friends Spinning

WE ARE LIONS presents THE ARS NOVA

LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

The Life and Times Live at 9:30

SPECIAL NIGHT

ALL OCTOBER: $3 16oz Bud Light Cans $3 Captain & Cokes

Wednesday 10/23

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

Thursday 10/24

$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers

DOPAPOD with BRAINCHILD

SEXY SCHOOL GIRL NIGHT All School Girl Barstaff $1 UV VODKA $1 WELLS $3 Top Shelf U Call It

Friday 10/25

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

HOMECOMING 2013 OCTOBER'S VERY OWN

Happy Hour Food Specials Open at 5pm $2.99 Two Hot Dogs & Fries $5.99 Two Burgers & Fries $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboys

RAVE 2 THE GRAVE! Costume Party & Zombie Twerk-Off DJ Belly & Friends Spinning

Saturday 10/26

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

ROCK x HIP HOP: Homecoming 2013 featuring Dirty Laundry, Chase Baby, Thomas Arkle & The Clarkes and more!

Homecoming 2013! Welcome Back! Open at 11am $3 Bud Light Tallboys $5 Any Sandwich Italian Beef, Gyros, etc.

DJ Kosmo Spinning the Best! No Cover Before 11PM!

Sunday 10/27

Closed

GRIZ: The Rebel Era Tour with TWO FRESH and MARVEL YEARS

Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

Monday 10/28

Mason Jar Monday $2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm Followed by the MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY HOUSE BAND! $1 Drinks! $2 Slices from Manolos! $1 Cover!

$2 U CALL IT

Book Your Next Event Here!

Tuesday 10/29

$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week

THE PIANO MAN Returns! Shay is back on the keys playing all your favorites! $3 Real Long Islands! $1 Cover

WALKING DEAD WINE NIGHT All Zombie Barstaff, $8 Bottles of Wine, $2 Wells featuring Svedka Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

Wednesday 10/30

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

BEE KAY's 8 SEMESTERS Release

LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

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DOWNTOWN

Tuesday: $2 Blue Moons, Tequila Tuesday and all the 90's you can handle!

WED: GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's

GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada

Risque Thursdays at 10pm! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach

$3 Smirnoff $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs

DJ Delayney $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 with Student ID

Happy Homecoming! Come Find Your Ex-Lover on the Dance Floor!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Catch Every Game at Guido's!

De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola

Happy Homecoming! Alums are twerking all over the place.

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

NFL SUNDAY TICKET! $5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Build Your Own Bucket! 5 Beers for $11 $2 Jager Bombs

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

MNJ $2 Blackbeard $2 Bud Platinums

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas

SAT: POWER-N-SOUL PRESENTS: DE NOCHE $6 Beer + Shot $3.00 Victoria, Corona, Modelo Especial, Nerga Modelo $3.00 Rum + Cola

Wednesday 10/23

Karaoke & Mug Night!: YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum, $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips 4PM-10PM

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Thursday 10/24

Blackhawks vs Lightning 6:30pm $2 WELLS! HALF PRICE WHISKEY!, $2 Long Islands $5 Wraps from 4-10pm Any wrap on our menu is $5!

Friday 10/25

HOMECOMING FRIDAY! Bulls vs Denver 7pm $6 Bud Light 40's

SPECIAL NIGHT

Saturday 10/26

SATURDAY OPEN at 7AM! FREE PANCAKES! 7am-10am with the purchase on any beverage The Score (8am-2pm) Broadcasting Live from Firehaus! 2:30pm Illini vs Michigan St 7pm Blackhawks vs Wild

OPEN at 7AM! FREE PANCAKES! 7am-10am with the purchase of any beverage The Score (8am-2pm) Broadcasting Live from Firehaus! 2:30pm Illini vs Michigan St 7pm Blackhawks vs Wild

Sunday 10/27

Includes all Beers and Liquor only $2! Noon Cowboys vs Lions 3pm Redskins vs Broncos 7pm Packers vs Vikings

Monday 10/28

Blackhawks vs Wild 7pm WIN HAWKS TICKETS! NFL Seattle vs St. Louis $2 Long Islands, HALF PRICE APPETIZERS (excludes wings)

Tuesday 10/29

TIME WARP TUESDAY! 80's vs 90's Night! Best Retro Costume Wins Party! $2 Wells HALF PRICE Jack-O-Lantern SHARKBOWLS

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Wednesday 10/30

Scary Karaoke! 10pm Karaoke Jack-O-Lantern Sharkbowls Bud Mug Night! $1 SHOTS

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS!

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm

DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card

19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm

$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots

$2 Blue Moons, Tequila Tuesday and all the 90's you can handle!

$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm) GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

$2 JAGER BOMBS & SHOTS, $2 RED HEADED SLUTS $3 VAMPIRE GUYS, $2 16oz MILLER LITE AND COORS LITE

PRESENTED BY: KAM’S AND THE BLACK SHEEP The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S FRIDAY! Dr. Mcgillicuddy & Fireball Sampling Party 10pm-12pm

FRIDAY! Homecoming 2013 Open at 5pm! $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnett's Vodka $3 Jager Bombs

Every Day! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes

SPECIAL NIGHT

Logo Mug Night: Angry Orchard $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs

Kruue presents.... Red Lion Charity DJ Battle 4 DJ's Spin Every Wednesday Weekly Winner Advances to the Finals to Win for themselves & their House!

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Wed. 10/23

$2.50 Corona, Stella Artois, Heineken 2.50 Skyy Mixers $5 Jameson & Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Orchata

Red Bull THRE3STYLE The Ultimate DJ Competition to find the best DJ on Campus! Hosted by DJ Delaney $3.50 Red Bull Vodka's

Bartender Battle! 8pm - 2am Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime

Thursday 10/24

Happy Homecoming Weekend!

$3 Killians, Shocktop, Leinenkugel's $3 Malibu, Wild Turkey, Bacardi Mixers

Homecoming 2013 Open at 5pm! $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnett's Vodka $3 Jager Bombs

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it

Friday 10/25

Happy Homecoming Weekend!

No Cover! $3 Miller Lite, Coors Light, Budweiser, Rolling Rock $3 DR. Shots & Orchata, $6 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles

HOMECOMING! Open at 11am Reverse Block Party! $1 Bud Light Drafts 2:30pm Illini vs Michigan St. Great Food Available All Day!

$3 U Call It

Saturday 10/26

Football All Day! $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts $1.50 Lite Punch Top Cans

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

Trivia Starts @ 9pm! $6 PBR & Hamms $2.50 Wells (U-Call It) $4 Pub Bombs

Book your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our Event Planners at CochraneParty@gmail.com or Call 217-722-9000

$1 U Call It

Sunday 10/27

Monday Night Football: Open 7pm $1.50 Lite Pop Top Cans - Win Miller Fun!, $5 Pitchers, Free Pizza at Half Time, $2 Jack & Soco, Jack Daniels Girls!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports

Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $4 Guinness, Smithwick’s $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle Vodka Mixers

MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS $2 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 RED BULL VODKA’S

$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)

Monday 10/28

Country Nite - Drink it in Your Mason Jar- Wear Your Dukes & Boots - COORS GIRLS 10p-12p - Win Hats & T’s! $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Banquet Bottles, $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts, $1 Cinerator Shots, Country DJ Upstairs, House DJ Downstairs

$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

$3 Blue Moon + Red’s Apple Ale Pints, $5 Jim Beam Honey Barrels, $2.50 Dr. Shots

$2 UV VODKA $1 SHOTS (SHOT MENU) $3 BUD LIGHT 24oz TALLBOYS

$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)

Tuesday 10/29

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Logo Mug Night: Shocktop Pumpkin Wheat $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs

Pumpkin Smashing Competition! Choose your Weapon and Pumpkin! Pick the right one and WIN CASH! Kruue Charity DJ Competition Final Qualifier!

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Wed. 10/30

FRIDAY AND SATURDAY Happy Homecoming!

THURSDAY: Mustache Night!

Get Your Homecoming Pint Glasses Great Drink Specials All Weekend! Frattle of the Bands! 3 Bands Compete for $1,000 WPGU Live - Bud Girls $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt., $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Blue Guys, $3 Jim Beam Klub Kam’s! Live DJ! $5 KamIslands, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Lite & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Redd’s Bottles, $3 Captain, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots Great Dance Music!

Happy Homecoming!

Get Your Homecoming Pint Glasses $2.50 Drafts, $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt. Cans, $3 Jameson Shots, $3 Malibu Spiced, $5 Hamm’s Pitchers Happy Homecoming! Get Your Homecoming Pint Glasses $2.50 Draft, $2.50 Bud Lt Illini Cans, $4 UV Blue Guys, $4 Jim Beam & Stag Drinks, $3 Jager Shots & Bombs, Live DJs All Night! Jimmy Heilenbach (6-10pm) Critical Condition (10-2am)

Frattle FINALE! Winner Gets $1000! WPGU Live - Bud Girls $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Blue Drinks, $3 Jim Beam

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles Mustache Night!

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Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you had to wear one article of the opposite sex’s clothing every day for the rest of your life, what clothing item would you choose?

ior Jimmy, Sen

“A jean skirt to air out my taint.”

r Carrie, Senio

“Boxers so my beef curtains can hang low.”

Alex, Senior

“Yoga pants ‘cause I have a nice ass.”

Bartenders of the Week

Kyle of

Murphy's Pub

Relationship Status: Swinging Major: Kicking ass with a minor in chewing bubble gum Favorite Drink: Keystones snuck past the door guy Favorite Shot: Black tar heroin Most Disgusting Drink: The sparrow What would your online dating profile be?: Well, my one on Farmer’s Only just got taken down… Who’s the sexiest comic book character?: Barnacle Boy, with Mermaid Man a close second. What’s the silliest thing you’ve ever cried about?: When your mother left me. What is the last thing you baked in an oven?: Mini-brownies in my Easy Bake Oven. What do you think to yourself when see a person with a flip cell phone?: “Fuckin’ hipsters.” Would you rather have a hornless unicorn or a horse with a horn?: I’ll take the horny horse. How do you look at yourself in the mirror after what you’ve done?: Like Buffalo Bill does. Would you do me? I’d do me. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because now it has me!

Drinking Game

Keisha of Firehaus

Relationship Status: Is he gonna see this… Major: Advertising Favorite Drink: Jagermaria Favorite Shot: Tequila Most Disgusting Drink: Pinnacle Whipped and Diet Coke. Sorry, promo girls. What would your online dating profile be?: NSA Who’s the sexiest comic book character?: Charles Xavier, post wheelchair accident. What’s the silliest thing you’ve ever cried about?: I physically can’t cry about dumb shit. What is the last thing you baked in an oven?: Brownies! What do you think to yourself when see a person with a flip cell phone?: “What’s Kimmons doing?” Would you rather have a hornless unicorn or a horse with a horn?: Unicorn … they’re magical, duh! How do you look at yourself in the mirror after what you’ve done?: Ignore the horns. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: To soberly learn the names of the people getting them fucked up every weekend.

Recipe for disaster

Scary Movie Drinking

Halloween Candy Bark

One of the best parts of Halloween is the excellent selection of movies that we finally get to watch—like Hocus Pocus and Halloweentown—that would be weird to watch any other time of year. Disney classics aside, there will be plenty of horror and scary movies all over the airwaves, so grab a seat and play this game before the party gets hoppin’.

With the plethora of discounted candy this time of year, don’t try to tell us you haven’t run to the grocery store and stocked up. We’re all guilty of it. Here’s a recipe to mix all of your favorite chocolate pieces into one snack for an even bigger sugar rush.

What You’ll Need: Booze, a horror flick of your choice and a television. Number of Players: However many people can fit on the couch. Level of Intoxication: Varies via corniness and awesomeness of said horror flick. How to Play: Pop in the movie and take a swig for the following: - Eerie music, accompanied by strings and or piano, plays for intro credits. - A character is walking painfully slow. - When that dumb bitch who shouldn’t go down the stairs goes down the stairs. - When someone whispers “help me.” - When your favorite character dies. - When your favorite character ends up being the killer/murderer/brother of killer. - When there’s a mirror in the scene and it sets up for something scary as shit in the reflection but it ends up being like the towel rack in the background or something. - Boobs. - When a character being chased trips over their own feet as if they’re running for the first time ever. - Jennifer Love Hewitt. - When you realize the police department in your horror movie is completely and utterly useless. - When the movie ends with one more cheap “pop out” bit for good measure. The Game Ends When: The ending credits roll … or maybe it’s just time to put another DVD in and keep going.

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What You’ll Need: 1 pound bittersweet chocolate chips, 3 regular-sized Butterfinger bars, 3 regular-sized Heath bars, 5 regular-sized Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, 1/2 cup honey roasted peanuts, 3 ounces of chocolate and M&Ms or Reese’s Pieces (or both!) Cook Time: About an hour and a half. Fatty Factor: Just a few cavities, that’s all. Let’s Get Baked: - Chop up the Butterfinger and Heath bars into small bites. - Cut up the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups into quarters. - Melt the bittersweet chocolate chips in a saucepan over the stove or in the microwave and stir until smooth. Watch them closely and increase heat in small increments so the chocolate doesn’t burn. - Spread the melted chocolate onto parchment paper on a pan, leaving it about 1/4 inch thick. - Scatter the chopped pieces of candy and peanuts over the melted chocolate. - Melt the white chocolate and drizzle it over the chocolate bark. - Sprinkle the M&Ms or Reese’s Pieces on top of everything. - Let the bark cool in the fridge for 1 hour before breaking it up into pieces and chowing down. And you thought candy couldn’t get any better…

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com

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Booze Review Jägermeister Spice Grade: c written by: Kitty Kat

When we saw this new Jäger on the shelves at our local liquor store, we knew we had to go for it. Jägermeister Spice—with a blend of cinnamon and vanilla—looked like the most delicious concoction since, well, regular Jäger. So we pulled out the plastic, bought ourselves a bottle and tossed it in the freezer until it was good and cold. As much as we wanted to drink it down right then and there, we knew that the best Jäger is cold Jäger. So we waited and we waited for what seemed like an eternity—but was really only an hour or so—until we determined the bottle was cool enough to serve. So we poured everyone a shot, raised our glasses, toasted our leader on high Atish Doshi and anxiously threw them back. Silence. Dead silence in the room. Everyone looked around until our writer Richie plainly said, “Eh.” And with that single syllable, everyone in the room was in agreement. “Eh.” “It’s cool, I guess.” “Oh well.” This brand new, delicious looking bottle of Jägermeister Spice was just … like regular Jäger—which really isn’t a bad thing at all. But with Jäger being the same thing over all these years, a slight change on the flavoring would be pretty exciting. Looks like we’ll go back to playing the waiting game on that one. Typical Drinkers: People who repaint their walls from “Eggshell White” to “Cream” just to spice things up a little, girls who ask for no whip on their Starbucks frappuccinos, people who claim to like Mexican food as long as it’s not spicy, and teenagers who get an old convertible when they turn 16 (sure, it’s a convertible, but it’s all rusty and the seats are rotted and the radio doesn’t work)

User Comments: “It just tastes like watered down, regular Jäger.” “I changed my mind. I’m just going to stay in and study tonight.” “Wait, was this supposed to taste different?” What Your Dad Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “Is that really all you got? Wow, you must not get any pussy at school.” Best Described as a Limerick: We bought a bottle of Jäger Spice; It looked pretty and thought it’d taste nice. But after a shot, Excitement for naught, But at least it was at a good price! If You Like This You’ll Like: Thin crust pizza with a mediocre layer of cheese, just cheese nothing else. Dying your hair only to find you washed out most of the color during your first shampoo so now it’s like, really bland and flat. Food Pairing Suggestion: Mac ‘n’ cheese that was made with water, not milk, with no butter and not enough cheese with a side of canned green beans. Mixing Suggestion: Just take it as a shot.

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Student Brings Champaign Halloween Abroad, Shits Self at London Red Lion By: Tex Mex After waking up in sweaty exasperation last week, a student currently studying abroad in England came to the horrific realization that he would not be spending Halloween in Champaign this year. The student spent the following sleepless hours frantically searching for emergency flights back to Illinois, but at $2,500 per roundtrip, the price was sadly just outside of his price range of $250. “Ever since I asked my British friends about our Halloween plans, I’ve been having the same recurring nightmare,” sobbed junior Ross Strauss. “I’m sitting in a cold, lifeless dorm room with not even a single drop of alcohol to consume. I can hear people screaming in drunken revelry outside, but whenever I reach for the door, my loser roommate from freshman year pulls me back down for another game of Disney Apples to Apples. The screaming usually wakes my entire flat.” When asked what frat they would be “hitting up first,” his British friends replied with the concerning truth that Greek life isn’t really a thing in England. His heart rate rising, Strauss frantically asked where he was supposed to get free jungle juice then, to which his friends

shrugged their shoulders. Before they could reassure him that hundreds upon hundreds of clubs and pubs would be open anyway, Strauss suffered a panic attack. “When I put two and two together and realized that I might have to pay for alcohol, my brain just shut off,” said Strauss after awaking in the ER. “Like, no frats, no Green Street bars, no Beef Stand? Why does Europe even bother celebrating Halloween in the first place?” Upon being reminded that Beef Stand has since closed, Strauss began hyperventilating and stubbornly entered a coma. “He’s just been having a real hard time getting adapted here the past few months,” commented local friend Jack Turner. “If he’s not drunkenly asking me about decades-outdated British slang and whether or not his fake accent is believable, Ross is usually sitting in his room trying to understand English humor on Netflix.” It wasn’t until a few of his friends mentioned the words “Red Lion” that Strauss immediately burst out of his coma, grabbing Jack by the neck of his shirt and asking him to repeat what

he just said. When his friends rolled their eyes and confirmed that, yes, there is a Red Lion in London (amongst a hundred others across the country), Strauss checked out of the hospital and began working on a plan uncreatively dubbed “Project Champaign Halloween: Cockney Edition.” Netflix IP traffic reports show that it was the first time Strauss’ account had been idle since arriving in Europe. A day later at 4:00 a.m., Strauss burst into his flatmates’ rooms dressed as The ‘Undead’ Iron Lady, which caused everyone in the flat to collectively wince in a “…I don’t know about this, mate…” manner. He then instructed everyone to take pulls from a plastic bottle of imported Peach Burnett’s, a vodka that Strauss assured his friends was an “all-American delicacy.” Amidst stomach churning and prevomit spitting, he handed each of his friends a coach ticket to London and an ironically cheesy store-bought costume. When asked what they were going to do, Strauss replied in a horrendous Welsh accent, “A little thing I like to call ‘bringing ‘da ‘Paign, motherfuckers.”

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The group arrived in London at approximately 10 a.m. Everyone was donned in sick-encrusted and Jell-O shot-stained animal costumes ready to run into oncoming city traffic as a means of escaping Strauss’ rapidly deteriorating mental health. With a psychotic twitch in his eye, Strauss constantly checked his phone’s GPS to make sure he and his near-collapsed band of misfits were on the right track to Red Lion. Bystanders to the spectacle came close to questioning why an ignorant American dressed as zombie Margaret Thatcher was leading a group of young men in animal onesies on October 23rd, but ultimately resorted in muttering, “I need a drink.” Strauss proceeded to get lost for the next 12 hours as he circled Hyde Park four times, ran from Royal Guards after mistaking Buckingham Palace for a shopping mall, pointed and shouted, “Hey, there’s that big fucking clock thing, take my picture!” by Parliament every

hour on the hour and argued the ethics and consequences of Thatchernomics with several pub patrons, every single one of them ending in a violent bar fight. By midnight, after Strauss’ friends’ costumes became filthy enough for an animal rights organization to rescue them, a defeated Strauss was ready to call it quits before seeing a red, lion-crested emblem on a nearby pub. His spirits heightened, Strauss sprinted to the pub, causing a few near-accidents and the topplingover of a double decker bus. Standing before him, his eyes glazed over, was the sacred Red Lion. Strauss shit his pants in excitement and passed out just before entering the building. The recovered student, now banned for life from London, considered the night as “nearly on par with a traditional Champaign Halloween,” and that he cannot wait to see what the 31st has in store for him next week.

Continued from the cover Alright, hey Cliff, is your mom still reading? No? Good. Listen Cliff, if I were John Groce, which I'm not — I can't stress that enough — I'd be telling you about all the filthy sluts at KAMS you can dick in the Illini Sex Room designed by Dee Brown and specifically built for Illini basketball players. Now Cliff, I can hear you saying to yourself, “But [student who is most definitely not John Groce], wherever I go to school, there’s going to be fine trim moist with Alexander anticipation.” True enough, Cliff, true enough. But see, Champaign-Urbana is the perfect storm. You got them big-city girls with loose morals coming down to a place numb with sensory deprivation. Now, with nowhere to spend daddy’s credit card and nothing but time to kill, these suburban dick-Dysons are looking to get filled up to the lungs with some horsecocked young stud like yourself. Why, it’s the only way to pass time down here. You go to Kansas you’ll be courting country girls with morals so sound they use maxi-pads to better maintain their virginity. Memphis? Those tricks have had like… 80 goddamn abortions. DePaul? Sure, Catholic girls fuck, Cliff, but then they fuck you with that child support. Here? It’s a paradise of upper-middle class girls wearing triplicate NuvaRings who’d love to vent steam on some serious daddy issues. What? Don’t believe us? Tyler Griffey — take a look at how ugly that motherfucker is — I [once heard a rumor that that handsome devil John G.] saw T-Griff gettin’ a simultaneous tug job from two different slutty-ass-KGs and Groce didn’t do a damn thing! Hell, he tossed Griffey a towel, winked, and told him that he hopes Griffey can show that kind of stamina in a game situation. Sure, most college coaches might turn a blind eye to a player gettin’ the stink now and then, but the Groceman encourages and even facilitates the pussy procedure. Shit, he’ll watch you run train on six Chi-O’s if you ask him nice enough. See, John isn’t just a basketball coach, he’s a life coach, Cliff. Thing is, he knows what life’s all about for a young man your age: Gettin’ dat nut, and don’t ask how I know, but I hear Long John over there is willing to teach young men the art of the stroke, and I ain’t talkin’ about no deep ball, unless you’re talkin’ about going balls deep. How do you think Coach Groce landed a fine piece of ass like that wifey of his? A man who works 70 hours a week watching tape and molding men like you into leaders of tomorrow doesn’t keep that shit on lockdown unless he’s giving her something she isn’t getting anywhere else. I hear ole Johnny Boy calls her Oskie Bow-Wow in the bedroom because she’s howlin’ like a bitch every moment he’s giving her that shaft, you goddamn right. And Cliff, that’s advice [he’d] be willing to pass on to you if you’d just be willing to don the orange and blue for the next four — okay three, fine, two — years. You come here, suit up and work your ass off in season, and Groce will teach you how to work some mean ass in the offseason. He’ll teach you how to master the Ham Sandwich Death Punch, the Stormy Tuesday Melon Baller, hell, if you stick around until year four he’ll even let you in on a little fuck move he likes to call the Clabberjack Dap Whistle.

Think about it, anywhere — any coach — can teach you how to be a better basketball player, that’s their job, Cliff. Even then, a miniscule number of those guys go on to earn millions in the NBA, so it’s important to find a coach that can get you set for life. Muffmaster Groce, he’s the man who can. Even if you never pan out in pro ball, you’ll be the Albert Einstein of getting mad brain, you’ll know how to do things that Bill Self has only read about in his sticky Penthouse letters. You’ll be a man, a man who knows what to do with his tool. Cliff, baby, you should really think about calling this place your new home.

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The Black Sheep Interviews

Steveo Steve-O

The Black Sheep recently caught up with Steve-O on his national standup tour. Channeling our eighth-grade selves jumping off garages and lighting tennis balls on fire, we asked him every question we could possibly think of while holding back the strange urge to have him smash something over our crotch. He’s reinvigorated and risen from the ashes, so make sure to check out his new Youtube channel and follow him on Twitter, @SteveO.

The Black Sheep: How’d you originally end up working with the guys from Jackass? Steve-O: There was a skateboarding magazine back in the day called Big Brother, which was little more than a bad influence on kids. I loved it; it was really just the greatest magazine ever. I was in the magazine and the videos. The guy in charge of the operation reached out to Spike Jonze at one point and said “Hey man, everybody loves our videos, but no one cares about the skateboarding. I think if we subtract all of the skateboarding then what’s leftover would be a great TV show.” And when you took out the skateboarding, what you had left was me and Knoxville, and Wee Man, and Chris Pontius — and Bam was making a similar kind of video on the east coast — so we kinda merged camps, the Big Brother guys and the CKY guys and that was sort of how we all came together. TBS: For Jackass 3D you were completely sober.Is there a stunt from the past that you couldn’t have done sober? S: I should say I don’t know if I ever did stunts because I was wasted. I think I’ve always done stunts because I’m an attention whore. Getting sober hasn’t really changed that at all. But there was some particularly reckless stuff, one that comes to mind was being strangled unconscious six times in a row. TBS: By who? S: Ryan Dunn did that. We were on tour in England back in 2003, and Ryan Dunn choked me out six times in a row. Yeah, it was all on camera if you just go on Youtube and type “Steve-O Chokes” you can find it. Another one was on a three-day bender when I jumped out of an airplane with no parachute into the ocean. That one wasn’t so easy.

TBS: Which Jackass team member is most willing to take blows to the nuts? S: I don’t know that any of us are really psyched about it… We each have our own separate strengths when it comes to doing stupid things. But I don’t know that one guy stands out when it comes to nut shots. TBS: Is there anyone that won’t ever do them? S: No, we all do them, but we have considerable… I don’t want to say reluctance because we all do it. I mean we all do it, but we dread it. TBS: Looking at Johnny Knoxville, he seems to have aged more in the last 10 years than most people age in 30. How do you think you’ve managed to stay young-looking? S: (Laughs) Wow, I’ll take that as a compliment. I feel like I’ve aged pretty heavily as well, but if I guess if I were to agree with you then I’d have to blame that on healthy living. I quit smoking cigarettes and stopped doing drugs and drinking alcohol and I became a vegan. I exercise and stuff, surfing’s a big one. TBS: How many years until Johnny looks like Irving Zisman? S: I don’t know man, (laughs) I don’t know. TBS: How do you feel about having popularized the national phenomenon of buttchugging? S: Oh man, that is… I am incredibly honored for that. It’s incredible. Knoxville sent me this video about a press conference. There were some college frat kids butt-chugging and there was some kind of outrage about it. It was the funniest fucking thing ever. I think they even called it “butt-chugging,” I’m pretty sure I coined that term itself.

TBS: You’re known as one of the guys who does the most intense stunts, but which member of the Jackass crew grew the most in their willingness to do horrible things to their body over time? S: I don’t know, man. We all seem to have our different strengths, it’s kind of a “apples and oranges” question. Whenever no one is willing to do something at all, then the idea trickles down to Danger Ehren. He would be at the top of the pile when it comes to willingness, that’s kinda due to his exceptionally low IQ. TBS: In Wildboyz you got a hotdog whipped from your butt with a bull whip and got your ass stung multiple times by an African emperor scorpion, with that in mind, what is the most painful stunt you’ve done? S: Oh god, I hate that question. It’s all just so subjective, man. Pain just has different criteria, the duration of the pain is an issue. While electrocution hurts more than other stuff, it’s quicker. I hate that question. TBS: A lot of the guys, if they were afraid of snakes or spiders, then that’s the stunt they would do. What was your ‘phobia’? S: I hate roller coasters, which is why I was the perfect candidate for the poo potty. I mean I hate snakes too, I really do, but uh I don’t know if... Yeah like that one thing, I mean certainly rollercoasters are a big thing. TBS: Is it that falling feeling? S: It’s more like not being in control, like I can jump off of shit pretty easily. It’s like with bungee jumping when I’m looking off a bridge, I spent my life kinda jumping off of stuff so much, so I know heights pretty well. I don’t care what’s tied to me, when I look off something that’s 300

“I don’t know that one guy stands out

when it comes to nut shots.” feet high, I usually know not to jump so it’s hard to get past that instinct. I mean I had no problem jumping off the tower of London, which is like the tallest thing I’ve ever jumped off of.

didn’t notice how long it took my nose to heal because this weird kung fu instructor guy set it straight right after it happened. I’d say like three weeks I was in pretty good shape.

TBS: You’ve been sober now for five and a half years, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing. So what’s you’re favorite drug to not do? S: I mean… I don’t know how to answer that. I uh… I mean the reality is that if I pick up any drink or drug in short order I’ll be on everything again. I have no delusions about that. I love the saying you know “the alcohol bones connected to the weed bone, the weed bone’s connected to the cocaine bone” and so on…

TBS: Your giant back tattoo, what was the situation where that was done? Did you wake up and it was there or what?

TBS: Did you like being on Dancing with the Stars and hosting Killer Karaoke? Or was it just something to do? S: I, uh, Dancing with the Stars I really did enjoy a lot, Killer Karaoke had its moments. I, uh… but yeah neither of those two were my favorite. TBS: Either in your career or not, what was the best moment in your life so far? S: I’m so jazzed about my new Youtube channel. I would say that the Youtube channel is the exact opposite of Dancing with the Stars and Killer Karaoke. I get to do what I think is fucking awesome and it’s such a treat and a joy. TBS: How long did it take you to heal from the mighty fist of Mike Tyson? S: Eh, pretty quick. I had two black eyes for a while there. I

S: We were preparing to shoot the first Jackass movie and Jeff Tremaine said “Hey, don’t waste our time with any half-assed ideas because now this isn’t a TV show anymore, it’s a movie.” And I kinda took offense to the notion that I would suggest any halfassed ideas. So my immediate response to him was “Oh yeah, how about if I get me tattooed on me, larger than me?” My face on my back is way bigger than my face. TBS: You got a tattoo in January of Santa Claus crucified on your arm. Do you have a favorite tattoo? S: I like ShitFuck on my knuckles. I really do. Really because I’m quite proud of having carved out a place in my life that having profanities tattooed on my knuckles doesn’t hold me back. I’ve had ‘em… It’s been about exactly 10 years since I got ShitFuck tattooed on my hands. TBS: I’m telling readers to subscribe immediately to your blog because it’s honestly awesome. What can they expect to see you do on it in the future? S: I don’t know, I don’t want to give up any ideas, but I’m finishing up a lie detector bit. I don’t even know how it’s gonna come

out. I got Knoxville to come up a list of hilarious and uncomfortable questions for me to answer while attached to a lie detector test. I don’t know what the questions are, but I imagine they’re gonna be pretty fucking terrible. TBS: What can people expect to see on your tour this year? S: It’s filthy comedy and silly physical tricks. I think what makes my comedy unique and worthwhile is A: I’m absolutely shameless. And B: I’m rigorously honest. So if I tell a story you can damn well believe that it happened. And just judging by how shameless I am you can expect the stories to be incredibly juicy and revealing. You know I’ve been doing stand up for a long time and I’m really finding my voice and that’s exciting. People are really coming out and enjoying the show and that means a lot to me. TBS: Anything else we should know? S: At the end of every one of my shows, when I walk off stage I never do anything or go anywhere until I take a photo with anyone who wants one, and lots of times people have things they want to ask me or show me. And everybody gets a chance to do that. I stick around until the bitter end, ‘til everyone who wants one gets a photo. I don’t really know of anybody who does that. And it proves to me to be a lot harder of a job to do that than the show itself. I stay committed to that though, because I want to make it a special experience for the fans who are committed to that. By Tim Mackey

HALLOWEEN bingo

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

Townies Dress Up as Michigan State, Still Defeat Illini By: Kitty Kat This year’s Homecoming football game will forever be known as the biggest embarrassment in Fighting Illini history. A group of townies from the Champaign-Urbana area purchased replica jerseys of the Michigan State football team, snuck their way onto the Memorial Stadium field, and destroyed the real Illini team with a devastating score of 72-3.

them to pull off the ultimate prank. “We ended up skipping the party and just went back to my place to do some online searching,” wide receiver Darrel Lawrence explained. “We were able to find some Michigan State jerseys without names or numbers on the back. So we ordered one for every guy and just wrote it the stuff on the back in duct tape and silver Sharpie.”

“We didn’t do it for attention or anything, we just thought it would be funny,” faux-quarterback Paul Tommel said about his team’s stunt on the field this past weekend. “None of us really like U of I—I’m a Parkland man myself—so we dressed up as their rivals and just went out there.”

Although their uniforms were nowhere near NCAA standards, officials in Memorial Stadium didn’t seem to notice or care. “Neither of these schools are ranked, I really didn’t want to be there that day, Illinois just plain sucks this year, Michigan State was frickin’ 6-1 coming into the game,” referee Charlie Pickles counted off on his fingers, clearly annoyed. “It could have been a bunch of little girls dressed up in Santa costumes, and I still woulda let them play.”

Tommel said him and his buddies were on their way to an early Halloween party in Urbana Friday night when the idea came to them. Their hatred for the Illini and their desire to piss off local fans pushed

This also begs the question of how

the fake Michigan State team got into Memorial Stadium in the first place. “That was the tricky part,” Tommel laughed. “We didn’t really think about that until we ordered the jerseys and had them shipped priority overnight. So we were already in the hole about $50 each and knew we had to follow through with it somehow.” “We got up pretty early on Saturday and waited outside the stadium until Michigan State’s coach buses pulled up. From there, things got a little … out of hand,” tight end Martin Wilson winced. “I had some chloroform in my tool shed from a previous … incident … so we decided to use that. We just got onto the buses and knocked out both lines and the coaching staff. There were as many of us as there were of them, so we were pretty evenly matched, but it was definitely a bit of a struggle.” Wilson pulled up his sleeve to reveal multiple stab wounds and a bruise

in the shape of a banana. “The MSU team is pretty crafty.” When we suggested that the townie team could have just taken the official uniforms from the real Michigan State team instead of purchasing their own— considering they already went to great lengths to knock the entire team unconscious—Tommel was shocked. “Oh shit, you’re right. Dammit, that would have saved us a lot of money.” After eliminating the team, the townies still needed a coach for them to seem credible on the field. “We picked the dude with the nicest polo and khakis and figured he was the head coach of the real MSU team,” Lawrence remembered. “We just carried him off the bus and rigged up a device so we could control him like a marionette from the bench. It actually looked pretty believable, but he didn’t contribute much to our team huddles.”

After four painful quarters of tackle with the “Michigan State team” wearing little to no professional padding, the Illini finally scored a field goal with only five minutes remaining.

a group of overweight men from the neighboring community. Some of the Illinois players admitted that maybe these guys were the ones who deserved the athletic scholarships.

“I’ve seen some shitty games here during my time at U of I,” Illinois senior Eric Ladwig admitted, “but this was by far the worst. I mean, come on! Are you kidding me? Only three friggin’ points? Ridiculous.”

Illini Head Coach Tim Beckman could not be reached for comment on the matter.

Fans were impressed, however, when they heard it really wasn’t Michigan State out on the field but

“It was pretty badass, I’m not gonna lie,”Tommel smiled. “Maybe we’ll do it again, with rugby or something. Maybe more of a low-key event because I’m pretty sure we used the last of Martin’s chloroform.”

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madlib What was more shocking than

seeing ___1___ dressed up as a ___2___ ’s ___3___ , whatever that means, was waking up on a ___4___ -printed futon on ___5___ at my TA’s house. Or, even more shocking, that I started the night as a sexy ___6___ and ended the night in a neon ___7___ unitard, a half-empty box of ___8___ in one hand and a fifth of ___9___ in the other. Naturally, I got the hell out of there instantly. Upon stepping into the great outdoors, I was amazed by what was before my bloodshot eyes. A group of girls dressed as members of ___10___ , but a ___11___ 1: Your best friend 2: Era 3: Wild animal 4: Cartoon character 5: Popular party street

version, were twerking on the street, clearing still intoxicated. A block down I saw a ___12___ puking in a trash can, the poor freshman. And I almost stepped over a zombie ___13___. They looked so serene in their slumber, I couldn’t dare move them. I stopped into ___14___ and noticed a ___15___ chatting with a ___16___ , and they seemed like they were hitting it off. Walking towards my dorm, I bummed a cigarette from a ___17___ , but it ended up being a joint, which was fine with me. We started talking about ___18___ and how it’s totally

6: Condiment 7: Color 8: Cereal 9: Novelty liquor 10: Heavy metal band

11: Adorable animal 12: Famous TV show character 13: Very old celebrity 14: Local coffee shop

related to global warming, even though now that I think about it, it doesn’t. When I got to my dorm, I was surprised to see my roommate making out with a ___19___. They asked me to join in and that’s when I knew they were on ___20___ still. I suggested we head to the cafeteria and they quickly obliged, commenting on how good I looked even though I clearly reeked of ___21___ and fried ___22___. As I entered the caf, I took in the sights of all my fellow sluggish, hungover peers and got the chills. I love Halloween.

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