Illinois Fall Issue 12 - 11/7/12 by The Black Sheep

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Volume 21, Issue 12 11/7/12 - 11/14/12

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Bill Clinton Defeats Obama! kitty kat wrote this Americans across the country were shocked by this year's presidential election announcement. The back-and-forth battle between President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney has finally come to a close after months of intense campaigning and immature interrupting, only to have been completely irrelevant and unimportant. Underdog President Bill Clinton shocked all U.S. citizens with his election win that literally came out of nowhere. “I had no idea that guy even was on the ballot,” Champaign resident Peter Roseblum said when asked about Clinton’s return to the White House in the near future. “Actually, no, I’m sure of it. He really wasn’t.” Many other Illinois residents shared Roseblum’s confusion, vividly remembering their trip to the voting booths just a short time ago. These voters, however, are the overwhelming minority. It is apparent that a vast amount of disenchanted voters chose to fill in “Bill Clinton” as a write-in on the ballot. “Yeah, you know, I kind of just did it as a joke. I didn’t really like either of the top candidates, so this was just my form of protest. What was weird was when I told all of my friends about it and we discovered that we all did the exact same thing,” Sophomore James Klein said. “What we see when we observed some of the demographics that went into this outcome is that the majority of the Clinton write-ins came from two groups: College students and the senile elderly,” report investigators, “It appears that the college-aged students wrote in Bill Clinton as a form of protest, and a vast amount of elderly people were confused, thinking it was 1996 and they were choosing between Dole and Clinton. We also saw scattered votes for Clinton coming from the adult and middle-aged. Truthfully, I actually wrote in Bill Clinton. I just thought it was funny.” Some people believe that the surprise win was the result of a conspiracy within the Electoral College, like University of Illinois freshman Katie Jacobs, “I always thought it was funny people made a huge deal about voting. I mean, it doesn’t really matter what I put down anyway. The Electoral College is all that has the final say. Maybe Clinton had it infiltrated this whole time.” Of course, President Obama and Governor Romney were reached for comments immediately following the announcement. Both men were left with very few words in regards to the fact that neither one of them would be taking office in 2013. Romney was noted as reacting to the news in the way that a small, impatient child reacts when his mother won’t buy him a certain toy. He was

Creative Ways to Get Out of That Test

A few white lies to the professor never hurt anybody.

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seen storming around his extravagant Massachusetts residence, slamming doors, kicking walls, and pulling at his hair in frustration. “Ugh, he’s been a handful alright,” Romney’s wife Ann admitted. “It was really difficult to even get him to eat dinner last night. I gave him a huge portion of his favorite macaroni and cheese,

what’s inside

even with the little cut-up hot dog pieces just the way he likes. He just kept shoving it away, crossing his arms over his chest, and whining that ‘nothing will ever get done with that Baptist blow job bitch in office.’ At first I couldn’t tell if he was talking about Hillary or Bill, but then after a few more comments, I understood his frustration.” When Romney was approached for a quote, the governor turned up his nose and promptly stormed out of the room. continued on page 10

The Art of Alcohol Origin Stories

Wacky Ways to Keep Your Heat Off

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All you need is the open sea to make a great drink.

More clothes and cuddling? Sounds easy enough.

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THIS IS YOUR DAD DURING DAD’S WEEKEND.

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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page 5: Sex Toys for the Sarcastic Ass All the more reason not to invest in dental dams and butt plugs.

page 7: My Dad Still Hasn't Gone Home Since Last Year's Dad's Weekend The Beast has top secret, possibly deadly, plans for your dads this year.

page 9: The Top 10: Things the President Should Do in the Oval Office

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Celebrating the election win, White House style.

page 16: Bartenders of the Week

Table of

If you tip haley and bill well enough, they'll name a drink after you!

page 18: First Annual Battle of the Quad Bands Combined, they're still not as good as Rebecca Black.

page 21: Local Gambler Can't Beat the Odds Legends's new gambling machines add one more temptation to campustown.

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Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Eric Blokel distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mike Lieber Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes, Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster, Molly Forrest Ashley Perl, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner, Ryan Rudolf, Sam Caravette

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pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Miseck Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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! k e e W e h t f o c i P

Dear Mike, My dad is coming in for Dad's Weekend, and I want to show him the best time possible. Do you have any suggestions on what we should do? Sincerely, Boring_son Dear Lame Guy, You have to understand that when your dad comes down for Dad's Weekend all he wants to do is relive a bit of his old college days. Assuming that your dad went to college in the 80s, you’re going to want to get your hands on a fuckton of blow. What you need to do is go to Green Street apartments, apt. 104A. Knock exactly three times and then say, “I’m here to fix your dryer.” A man will then open the door and pull you inside. This man is my cousin Otis. He will give you a kilo of cocaine and then toss you back into the hallway. Don’t be offended, he’s just a busy man. After you obtain the blow you need to go back to your place and remove any pop culture references from the past 20 years. Get rid of anything that you think might make your father upset or confused. On the night that your dad comes to town - and this is crucial - you need to call me and Otis and tell us to come over to your place. After doing so, I would advise you to either go to the UGL to get some work done, or just lock yourself up where you think nobody would see you. Me, Otis, and your dad will then have a good old fashioned Boogie Nights eighties bender. Now, Otis has a tendency to get a little destructive when he gets yayo on his nose, so be prepared to do a little bit of cleaning when you come back. Happy travels! Mike

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word of the week Brotive:

Any reason a guy lists for joining a fraternity. “Dylan’s brotives for rushing were simple: beer and sex.”

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SEX

Sex Toys for the and the Cu Sarcastic Ass John McHoneyCombs wrote this

As some of you more sexual explorative folks (sluts) are aware, there is a sexual health organization on campus that goes around educating students on contraceptives and sexual toys. If you’ve never had the chance to see one of these presentations, don’t fear, we're here to give you the lowdown on all the toys and knick knacks you freaks want to put inside each other. Dental Dam: Has anyone ever actually seen one of these, much less used one? In a sense it’s a plastic-like cover you put on top of a woman’s vagina before you go to chow town on her. I would associate any guy who has these more along the lines of a serial killer than passionate lover. It’s a great confidence booster too. Nothing says, “You’re dirty,” better than laying a foot of saran wrap over your snatch. Novelty Condoms: Flavored, ribbed, strobe lights; condoms come with all kinds of bells and whistles these days. Like the dental dam, I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a man with anything other than the free condoms you get from McKinley that are about to expire in three days. The only place for novelty condoms are at bachelorette parties, being blown into giant balloons and subsequently being used to slap your future wife in the face. Cock Rings: Do not ever wear this. You might as well attach a leash to it and give it to your woman, because you’ve now lowered your dick to the status of a house pet. This is like those pictures of dogs dressed up in ugly light-up Christmas sweaters. Notice how all of them look absolutely miserable? Don’t turn your piece into one of those dogs. Vibrators: Okay ladies, we know at some point in your lives you are going to use one of these and that’s just fine. Believe us, masturbation is one of America’s favorite past times. However, we’re a bit put off by the rotating shaft, the vibrating rabbit ear things, and the little speaker that tells you how special and interesting you are. Asking your man to use one of these things on you is going to require a leap of faith, especially if it’s as thick as a Louisville Slugger. Lube: You don’t need to buy this specialty stuff just because it’s made by KY. Every man who’s gone through puberty knows there are several household items that can suffice as effective lubricant: lo-

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tion, dish soap, shaving cream, and if all else fails just use the good ole’ spit and rub. Ladies, I’m not exactly sure if any of these items are safe to go inside you, but if you’re willing to experiment I’m very much willing to be cheap. Blow-Up Dolls: We genuinely feel bad for any man who has gotten to a point in their life where they have sex with a balloon for pleasure. If you want to magnify that sense of guilt you experience after you masturbate, then do so by having sex with a soulless object that will stare relentlessly at you, reflecting on the horror it just experienced. Anal Beads/Butt Plugs: Nothing says sexual harmony better than anal fissures. I guess the whole idea of these is to loosen your asshole to make anal sex easier... or something... but if that’s the case they really need to make these things disposable. They may seem kinky in the moment, but just remember how idiotic you’ll feel as your washing that thing off in a gallon of Purell. Save yourself the embarrassment of those awkward sex toy talks. Stay home and have some normal people sex instead. As long as she’s not a dead fish and you have a decent-size dick the sex won’t be awful. And for those of you who already purchased any of the aforementioned toys, yeah, good luck getting your money back, freak.

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Creative Ways to Get Out of That test

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kimberly ann wrote this College is supposed to be the best, craziest four years of your life; hell, some overachievers and hardcore partiers even make college last for five or seven years. With good friends and crappy beer, there’s no doubt that the biggest buzz kills in college are exams and useless papers. According to most professors, an exam “won’t make a difference in your life, it’s what you learn that matters.” Right … even though all of our grades depend on them. We poor students then proceed to wash out the useless information with shots on shots afterwards. Instead of cramming unimportant facts and dates into that brain of yours, learn some creative ways to get out of exams. One idea is to show up to the exam with pink eye, walk directly up to your professor, and give him a friendly, firm handshake. Tell him you’ve been studying very hard and are looking forward to seeing the questions he has come up with. Who doesn’t have sympathy (or complete disgust) for someone with a swollen crusty eye? Pink eye might be obnoxious, but after a few drops you’ll be fine by the end of the night. Your professor will probably be reply with a question about your condition and if you’ve been treating it properly. Say that you picked up some drops from McKinley after you were there for another weird rash, but haven’t had the chance to use them yet. Your professor will surely want you to leave because they won’t want to look half as nasty as you do. Pop those drops in and drink away! The classic, “I’m needed at home for unexpected circumstances,” is pure gold if executed properly. No professor will dare to question this. In reality, your “unexpected circumstance” is that you’re sick of eating pizza and macaroni every night, and need a real home cooked meal and to catch up on sleep if you expect to do well in any class. Most professors will be concerned and tell you they hope everything’s okay. However, they will require a note from the Emergency Dean just to be sure you’re not pulling one over on them. Just keep lying your balls off. Stick with the usual “so-and-so died” routine. Only a complete asshole would try to argue that you’re not telling the truth. Be careful though, because karma can be a bitch, so don’t go using this one all the time or something really bad might happen, like you have to get your genitals cut off because of some flesh-eating disease.

A final, more fun option is to make your professor feel so awkward that they want you out of their sight as soon as possible. Give an excuse like, “So my newest slam piece has the hottest bod that I’ve ever seen, but it turns out she’s a slut and a half. She forgot to mention that she had recently contracted herpes from one of the other douches she’s been getting filled by. Long story short, the broad gave me the herps, and so I’m really feeling the burn right now. Really, you have no idea how uncomfortable this is; no pussy is worth this pain. I have no idea how I’m going to concentrate on the exam when it feels like my penis is on fire, you know?” Not only will your professor tell you to leave, but they will never call on you in class, care if you’re late, or encourage you to come to office hours ever again. It’s a winning situation all around, unless you really have herpes, then that really sucks. Just like the wise words Sam Adams once spoke, “I hate college, but love all the parties.” Continue to rage on and get out of those exams. Really, you won’t remember how many A’s you got in college; what you’ll look back on when you’re old and miserable is the good times.

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My Dad Still Hasn’t Gone Home Since Last Year’s Dad’s Weekend benny boy wrote this When I was a freshman two years ago, my father came down for Dad’s Weekend. I was hoping that we could maybe drink a few beers and play some catch, but my dad ended up doing what the official police report referred to as an “insane amount” of whip-its and ended up dropping a bowling ball off of a building. Since that day, he has undergone a total personality change, complete with kicking me out of his house and wanting to be referred to as “The Beast.”

sleep in the basement now).

Last year I prohibited The Beast from coming down for Dad's Weekend, but he did anyway. After shooting my windows with buckshot and burning the word “disappointment” into my lawn, he went into exile somewhere in Champaign, refusing to go home. Occasionally I would see him tailing me as I walked to class. He never said a word to me but silently smoked a cigar as he stared. When Mom's Weekend rolled around, him and his greaser Vietnam vet friends broke into my house, banged some moms, and refused to leave.

“No thanks, I need to study this afternoon.”

This year I’ve been living in a frat house. I was hoping that when I left my house on Green Street, The Beast and his friends would stay there. However, they didn’t. After attending one party in which they brought with them some strippers and ended up stealing some mushrooms from the trunk of a cop car, they were immediately made active members of my fraternity. The Beast is now President, and his right-hand man Joey B. is now the pledge supervisor. Their first order of business was to make me permanent pledge. Which brings us to this week. I knew that ancient troubles were going to be resurrected when Dad's Weekend rolled around again. Sure enough, earlier this week I received a letter which read, “The hour of your reckoning is nigh. You know what next weekend is, bitch. Come up to room five for further instruction. -The Beast.” With a sigh, I got up from my cardboard mattress and climbed the stairs (Joey B. is making me

When I got to room five I took a deep breath and opened the door. A billow of smoke rushed out at me, making me cough. Inside sat The Beast and Joey B., along with a girl with a bloody nose who was lying down. “What is that?” I asked, “That’s definitely not pot.” “This is opium,” The Beast said. “Take a hit.”

With these words Joey B. removed a switch blade and pointed it at me, saying, “Listen Daddy-O, either stop being a wet rag or cut out. Now, you’ll take a hit of this hooch if you dig my jib.” Not wanting to upset him further, I grabbed the joint and took a small hit. Joey B. sat still, continuing to wave his knife in the air. With resignation, I took a larger hit of the joint. “Son, I’m sure you know that Dad's Weekend is just around the corner. Now, I don’t know about you, but I plan on having a good time. I would like you to party with me, but I don’t think you’re ready,” The Beast said with disappointment, “I don’t know what I can do to motivate you anymore. Do I need to take away your cardboard mattress now?” “The Beast, you have no idea the kind of toll these Dad's Weekends have on me. I can’t keep bailing you out of jail. However, I am a pledge so I have to do whatever you say. What do I have to do to get you to think that I am prepared to party with you?” “I need you to get me some supplies,” The Beast said, handing me a list. The list, which was crumpled and had a few blood stains on it, included items on it such as: 1 kilo of cocaine, 50 bottles of Gem Clear, 50 rags, 50 lighters, 5 gallons of kerosene, 300 cans of green paint, 70 liters of human blood, and 700 bowling balls.

“My God. The Beast, what are you planning for this weekend?” “If you get those items, then you’ll find out,” with these words The Beast kicked me out of the room and shut the door. He hasn’t said a thing about it since, but gives me a coy wink every time I pass by him. Let this be a warning to all of you who plan to have fun with your parents this Dad's Weekend. The Beast is planning something big. I don’t know what it will be, but just be on your toes. People who have been married and working for 25 years are capable of some pretty grisly things. Be on your toes. To be continued...

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The Art of Alcohol Origin Stories Scott Gantner wrote this Like many of you, we’ve often wondered how alcoholic beverages get their names. Certainly there’s some reason why we call it “Grey Goose” and not “Burgundy Elephant” or “Magenta Hippogriff.” We ventured out on a mission to find the best booze origin stories. It took many Wikipedia hunts and time that would have been better left to drinking, but it was an amusing adventure, nevertheless. Captain Morgan: On the bottle it says that Henry Morgan “was a natural born leader—he and his crew were famous for their love of adventure and their taste for the finest rum.” The label conveniently neglects to mention the fact that Captain Morgan was also a mass murderer. Yeah, he sort of burned down Panama. He and his adventure-loving mates decided to start a fire that destroyed over 5,000 houses, churches, and hospitals. We’ll grant the makers of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum some credit for at least finding a spokesman who loved to drink and do stupid shit. For example, he once missed out on a chance to capture an incredibly valuable Spanish Galleon because he and his crew were wasted. Burnett’s: You probably know Burnett’s as we do: the dirtcheap, battery acid-flavored moonshine that frequents many of Champaign’s finest happenings. But did you know that it was created by a true gentleman? It originates from a distinguished character named Sir Robert Burnett. Next time you’re knocking down a pull from one of their classy plastic handles, try to remember that the guy who made this was actually addressed as “Sir.” You might have to drink a lot before you actually believe it.

Franzia: Teresa Franzia paved way for the Franzia empire starting all the way back in 1906. All nine members of the Franzia family helped out to build their own winery by hand. They put forth a simple vision for success: Make a wine with undeniable quality, freshness, and value, so that one day someone can get hospitalized for butt-chugging it. Kraken: Their website offers the best creation myth we’ve ever heard. Long ago in the Caribbean, a ship carrying spiced rum to Norway was attacked by the enormous kraken beast. In an attempt to fend off the monster, the crew dropped a crate of dynamite into the water and detonated it. But the legendary creature was merely stunned by the blast and came back at the ship with a furious rage of black ink and fatal tentacle attacks. The only survivor of the massacre was a single barrel of the spiced rum, heavily tainted by the squid’s ink. This barrel was rescued from the wreckage and made its way to the Queen of Norway, who sipped from a glass of this blackened rum and proclaimed it a glorious achievement. The drink was named after the dastardly demon in honor of the men who were lost that day during the ill-fated creation of the Kraken Black Spiced Rum. We’re not quite sure how they set off dynamite underwater or how a barrel was saved from an attack that killed the entire crew, but we know one thing: The Kraken origin should be made into a movie. With these origin story archetypes in mind, it is possible now to create: Every Alcohol Origin Story Ever: Sir Captain Tobias Blacksheep was a distinguished gentleman whose love for creating the finest liquor in the peace loving British Empire was

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surpassed only by his love for the open sea. One day when Sir Tobias was sailing across the Caribbean to sling booze to some colonies, his ship was struck by a terrible storm. There were also sea monsters which attacked his ship. It was messed up. In the darkest moments of the storm, Tobias sacrificed himself for a barrel of his prized liquor. Although Tobias perished with his ship, his legend and liquor have survived through the ages, the liquor now being purchased by 21-year-old kids who pour it into their butts and eyeballs at Dispatch concerts. That’s it. The end. Let’s get drunk.

The Top 10

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Things the President Should Do in the Oval Office Alright, alright, the presidential race is finally over. We can all get back to believing our country is on the right track to success. Now that our president has secured his spot in office, wouldn’t you think he’d want to celebrate? Here’s the top ten things he should do in the Oval Office. 10.) Smoke a Joint: There’s nothing better than celebrating a victory like sparking up a fat joint. Marijuana is illegal? Nope, not if you’re the President of the United States. The ganja is as free and legal as your secretary’s blowjobs. Just make sure the VP gets a few hits too.

Wacky Ways to Keep Your Heat off

molly forrest wrote this

Winter is slowly creeping up on us, and the war with the thermostat has begun. Those of you who pay utilities know the winter season becomes a struggle of survival of the fittest, but in most cases the fatter people have no trouble staying alive. Keep these tricks in mind so that looking at your utilities bill doesn’t result in a mental breakdown. There are always those annoying people who complain about being cold. These are the people who think 83 degrees is a perfect temperature even though the rest of us have lost about five pounds each from sweating. If you’ve ended up living with one of these pests, prepare for a battle over the next few months. They are the enemy in this situation, and the only way you can keep them from touching the thermostat is through sneaky tactics. Utilizing your roommate’s absences will be key here. You must be the last one to leave and the last one awake. You will need to come up with tons of excuses why you have to be the last one out the door, why you never go to class, and why you stay up so late all the time. If you’re lucky your roommates will buy into your bullshit, leaving you with full control over the daily temperature in your apartment. Utilizing Mother Nature as a scapegoat is also a plausible option. As long as your roommate is not a meteorologist, you can always make up reasons for why the heat shouldn’t be turned on. Just take any weather phenomena and put it to blame. “Looks like the heat is out; must be a drought passing through the Midwest!” or, “Guys, I noticed all the nimbus clouds have crashed into cumulus clouds, and you know what that means. It’d be safer to keep the heat off tonight.” Sure, this route is a bit of a stretch, but desperate times call for desperate measures. The most obvious way to keep the heat down is to pile on more layers of clothing. When it’s forty degrees out you should not expect to comfortably wear a t-shirt and shorts in your apartment to stock up on sweatshirts, sweatpants, socks, gloves, and blankets, with sizes across the spectrum for when you entertain. When it starts to get below-zero temperatures, wearing four

sweatshirts and a pair of long johns feels almost as good as having your thermostat cranked up to eighty degrees. Don’t let the cold get you down, use it to help you to get down. Body heat will be the most enjoyable way to stay warm. And who doesn’t enjoy getting naked? When engaging in body heat exchange, the more the merrier. More partners might even make you break a sweat from all the sexual arousal. Haven’t you ever noticed how hard your nipples get when it’s chilly? Mix that with a soft, fleece blanket and some sexy candle wax dripped across your tummy. Sounds like a hot time to me. If you can’t manage to find someone to warm up with, this option isn’t for you. But you should still masturbate just for the hell of it. Come December it will be time to invest in a liquor coat. Purchasing mass amounts of cheap liquor is the more economically responsible choice than paying for heat. Pretend you’re stocking up for a nuclear attack, but instead of buying twenty cans of baked beans, buy yourself about ten handles of Burnett’s. After about six shots you will lose sense of feeling in your body, after ten your hands won’t even be cold anymore, and after fourteen you will go into sweet, sweet hibernation.

9.) Friend Request the Secret Service: If the prez wants to consider himself an avid Facebooker, he’s got to at least be friends with the men that will risk their lives for him. The least he can do is acknowledge them as his friends, let alone human beings. It’s definitely a nice way to make sure they’re on his good side. 8.) Re-enact the Civil War: Could you imagine defeating Robert E. Lee’s Confederacy as General Ulysses S. Grant, with a scotch in hand, cigar in mouth, and wearing nothing but your finest underwear? This is a wild dream come true for any history buff. Why wouldn’t the president want to do this? As long as a portrait of Abraham Lincoln watches the whole thing, what more could he ask for? 7.) Have Sex: Ladies, first or not, if having rough sex with the President of the United States on his desk in the Oval Office doesn’t turn you on, then we hope R. Kelly pees on your during your dirty, un-American sex. This is absolutely a rite of passage. Every president that's ever resided in the White House has banged his wife ever since Mrs. Adams whispered in John’s ear late that first night, “Bang me right now, Johnny. Right here.” 6.) Snapchat All of His Friends: What’s more badass than taking a selfie in the fucking Oval Office? Shit, you can’t even pay for something like that. All his friends are gonna be so jealous! He should get crazy and pretend to hump statues and pick the noses of the faces in the portraits. Nothing says powerful like a room without corners! 5.) Take a Shit: Regardless if there’s a toilet or not, every room in the White House, especially the Oval Office, deserves to be shit in. Dogs do it to mark their territory, so why can’t the president? After he takes his shit, he should make everyone come in and see that he took a shit, just to prove that yes, he can do whatever he wants. 4.) Hire Several Strippers: Nothing says celebratory like seven strippers strutting into the Oval Office. Now that he’s the president, it’s about time to relax and de-stress from all that campaigning. It’s time to celebrate with a few bottles of scotch, the congressional staff, and the hottest, sexiest women in America. He just better have a good, safe reason to get his wife out of the house for the night. 3.) Do Snowflurries: There are certain occasions where you just got to bust out the delicious white powder. If becoming President of the United States of America isn’t good enough of a reason, well God dammit, what is? Lines off Robert E. Lee’s ass anyone? 2.) Hella Trip: 1. Grab the new VP and a few of the “cooler” Secret Service members. 2. Lock all points of entrance. 3. Blacklights. 4. Shrooms and acid. 5. Go....

When your roommates are getting sick of your stingy ways, guilt trip them in to doing something good for the environment. Try making up a holiday on Facebook. “We can’t turn the heat on; it’s National Turn Off Your Heat to Protect the Polar Bears Day." "Turn on the heat! Didn’t you see the picture that said if you turn on the heat you are a follower of the devil? We can’t be associated with Satanists.“ This winter may be a real bitch, but that doesn’t mean that future ones have to be too. You are now an advocate for global warming. Greenhouse gases and carbon waste are your new best friends. You’re over having four distinct seasons. Kick recycling to the curb and buy the least fuelefficient car on the lot; it’s time to destroy the Earth.

1.) Sign a Bill: Yeah it’s not that cool, but it is pretty great to wield the power to turn bill to law. Snap a picture of this moment. This one definitely goes into the scrapbook with his first day of school, learning to tie a tie, and using a toilet all by himself.

Kevin Hanes wrote this

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continued from the cover

Obama, on the other hand, approached the situation with a bit more poise and grace, actually congratulating President Clinton on his shocking win. “I mean, if anyone is going to beat me out, I’m glad it was Billy. After all, this guy’s a Democrat so we know we’re in good hands. For years him and I have been working out a plan to finally legalize marijuana. So once he steps into office I know that bill will be the first out on the table. Then I can finally get back to my old college days and forget all this political nonsense.” Obama admits to even have gone as far as ordering some Clinton bumper stickers, t-shirts, and drawstring backpacks off Amazon to show his pride for the new president. “He’s really a great guy. I just wouldn’t trust him around my little girls.” After speaking with President Clinton, it was obvious that this man had no doubt in his mind that he would win his third term as president, which is interesting considering his campaigning had gone almost completely unnoticed by the country’s population. “I’ve been really active on Twitter lately, and I felt like that was really strengthening my fan base. I feel like that’s where I affected a lot of the swing voters. Instagram is another story, but I have time to work on that.” He also filled us in on some of the important issues he’d be addressing and why his strategies are far superior to those proposed by President Obama and Governor Romney. “International relations? Eh, who needs ‘em? That’s what I say. We need to keep looking out for numero uno. That’s right, America, baby. Maybe I shouldn’t be using Spanish; I plan on kicking those illegals out at some point. And when it comes to health care, I just plan on legalizing lots and lots of drugs. No one will remember how much that cancer stings when they’re strung out on a twoday long acid trip.” And of course, the case of Monica Lewinsky was addressed. President Clinton was asked if he plans on repeating any of these shenanigans that cost him his presidency before. “For the record, I still keep in touch with Miss Lewinsky from time to time. She keeps telling me that the kids miss me, and that just keeps reminding me of how much of a crazy bitch she is,” Clinton chuckled. “Nah, I did not have sex with that woman. And I’m not about to. The only ass I’ll be presidentially addressing this time is Hil.” So, what does this mean for the future of America? For one, we can all expect many more legal bong rips and a lot more sex happening in the Oval Office than any president before. Obama will stop by every once in a while to “kick back with a Cuban” and “make fun of that prissy Romney bitch” according to President Clinton. As for the economy and the ongoing war, yeah, it looks like those issues will be taking a backseat for a while. “I’ve been out of the White House for far too long now. I miss the damn place. That shit has its own bowling alley in it. Can you believe that? You bet your ass that’s where I’ll be spending my afternoons,” Clinton said.

"the only ass i'll be presidentially addressing this time is hil."

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

FRIDAY & SATURDAYS IN NOVEMBER: $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

Thursday NIGHT'S SHOW! 3LAU with TOPHER JONES

SAT: Open at 11am $4 Pizzas $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers Special Whiskey/Bourbon Bar on the Mezzanine

SATURDAY: The Dirt Daubers at 10pm

WEDNESDAY 11/7

$0.15 Wings pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

FOXY LADY PHILANTHROPY (Early Show!) THE PIANO MAN! (Late Show) Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas!

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles, $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURSDAY 11/8

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

3LAU with Topher Jones

BOMBS AWAY! $1 BOMBS (Vegas, Cherry, O-Bombs) $2 U CALL IT $3 EVERYTHING ELSE!

Available for Private Party Book YOURS by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

FRIDAY 11/9

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

GIRLS NEXT DOOR: One Night Only! (Early Show) ACA presents REGGAE PARTY FALL 2012 (Late Show)

Happy Hour Food Special 5pm-9pm: $3 PIZZAS!! $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jameson

Sun Stereo at 10pm w/ Duke of Uke

SATURDAY 11/10

Open at 11am! $1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

JOE PUG with DENISON WITMER

DADS WEEKEND! Open at 11am $4 Pizzas $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers Special Whiskey/Bourbon Bar on the Mezzanine

The Dirt Daubers at 10pm

SIGNAL PATH with FILIBUSTA

Book your next party or event at The Clybourne! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

SUNDAY 11/11

Closed

MONDAY 11/12

MASON JAR MONDAY! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts $3 Double Wells $3 Double Jack and Double Soco

Closed

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Pinnacle Vodka

TUESDAY 11/13

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

CNTRL: Beyond EDM with RICHIE HAWTIN, LOCO DICE, SETH TROXLER and EAN GOLDEN

WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Woodbridge Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Tullamore Dew Whiskey $2 Svedka Vodka, $2 312 Bottles

Maserati at 9pm

WEDNESDAY 11/14

$0.15 Wings pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

ARAABMUZIK with DJ SOLO and JAY MOSES

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles, $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

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The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

Dads Day Saturday 670 The SCORE Broadcasting Live at Firehaus after the Game from 6-10pm!

WED. 11/7

Firehaus Bud Mug Night $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey, $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Open Mic Wednesdays, $2 Coors Light Special Night and Miller Light Draft Come Play! Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from Apps 6-8 every day. 1/2 Off (After 5pm) Free pool during happy hour!!! $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

Saturday! Harshpro's Mix Up Doors at 9pm, $5

SUN: Bears at Night! The Original Sunday Funday with 25% Off Appetizers and $3 22oz Bud Lights

WPCD 88.7 Presents: Electric Six w/ Little Hurricane Doors Open at 8pm

Book Your November/ December Parties Now! Check out JoesBrewery.com or call 217-384-1790 for more info!

$3 Strong Islands

THURSDAY 11/8

$5 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers, $3 Jack Daniels, $2.50 Three Olives Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots, $3 Three Olives Bombs, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles COLTS vs JAGUARS 7pm Bulls vs Oklahoma City 7pm

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Industry Night w/ DJ Luniks Doors Open at 9pm

Beer, a Bomb and a Burger $2 Bud Lights $2 Jager Bombs

FRIDAY 11/9

Welcome Dads! $5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan & Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Sweet Revenge Shots

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

Kopecky Family Band Doors at 7pm DJ Delayney After! $4 Double Wells

Happy Hour Under the Heat Lamps! $2 Kentucky Apple Shots $3 Jim Beam $3 Pinnacle Drinks

SATURDAY 11/10

DADS DAY! Open at 10am $2.99 CHEESEBURGERS from 10am-11:30am Chicago's 670 the SCORE Broadcasting Live from Firehaus from 6pm-10pm!

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Bring Your Dad to Guidos to Watch the Game!

Harshpro's Mix Up Doors at 9pm, $5

Welcome Dad's!

SUNDAY 11/11

Sunday Night Football: BEARS vs TEXANS Win a Bears Jersey! $2 ANYTHING! Every Liquor... Every Domestic Beer $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings!

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

Bears at Night! The Original Sunday Funday with 25% Off Appetizers and $3 22oz Bud Lights

MONDAY 11/12

Monday Night Football: HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm10pm | $15 Bud Light Hydrants, $2 Long Islands, $3 Import/Crafts Bulls vs Celtics 7pm Chiefs vs Steelers 7pm

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

Check out our Burger of the Week! Monday Night Joes $2 Sailor Jerry

TUESDAY 11/13

TIME WARP TUESDAY & Turkey Testicle Festival We Dare You to Try Em! HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $2 Wells, $2 Bud Light Drafts

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

1/2 Price Burgers and $2 Blue Moons Tequila Tuesday & the 8th Grade Dance

WED. 11/14

Firehaus Bud Mug Night! $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey, $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum, $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm Bulls vs Suns 8pm

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Book Your November/ December Parties Now! Check out JoesBrewery.com or call 217-384-1790 for more info!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our MOBILE APP! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

FRIDAY: Dad’s Day Weekend! Special Chicagoland DJ Party sponsored by 4 Rebels Vodka $4 4 Rebel Drinks $5 Blue Guys $2.50 Lite & Coors Lt Pints

TUESDAY: Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

Homemade Chili and Seasonal Fall Soups Now Available!

REVERSE FOOTBALL TAILGATE Open to the Public at 2:30pm $1 DRAFTS! 2:30pm ILLINI vs Minnesota

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bud Girls Every Wednesday Night $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks/ $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries! Logo Glass Night w/ $4 Pints and $2 Refills Upcoming Logos: Nov 7 Hamm's Premium, Nov 14: Coors Light NFL

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED. 11/7

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Party w/ the Jagerettes! Klub Kam’s! All High Energy featuring DJ Sevlo $3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks, $2 Big Long Islands, $1.50 16oz Hamm’s $2 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2.00 Jager Bombs

$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles

SHACKER NIGHT Special Guest DJ! $5 24oz Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2.50 Fireball Whiskey Shots

THURS. 11/8

Welcome Dads!

$5.50 Bacon Q Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $5 Skyy, Wild Turkey, Beam Dbls $2.25 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Coor’s Light, Miller Lite, Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jager Bombs

FRI. 11/9

Welcome Dads!

$6.00 Pulled Pork Sandwich w/ Fries $3 Pints of Miller Lite, Coors Light, Budweiser, Bud Light $5.50 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles

REVERSE FOOTBALL TAILGATE Open to the Public at 2:30pm $1 DRAFTS! 2:30pm ILLINI vs Minnesota

SAT. 11/10

Book your next party or event at Red Lion Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUN. 11/11

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Dad’s Weekend! Special Chicagoland DJ Party sponsored by 4 Rebels Vodka $4 4 Rebel Drinks $5 Blue Guys $2.50 Lite & Coors Lt Pints

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Dads Day! ILL vs. Minny at 2:30 $2.50 ILLINI Bud Lt Cans Bud Girls & Giveaways $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks $5 Blue Guys

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Funday Sunday Industry Night! $2.00 Anything in the House U get It All Here!

$2.50 Coronas $3 Any Draft

Trivia Night! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Nite Turn – A –Bout Guys Bartend – Girls Bounce BIG ASS DRINKS $2 32oz Drafts & Double Soco Drinks $4 Double Jack & Blue Guys Southern Comfort Girls Illini Basketball vs St Francis 7pm

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

Karaoke Night! $5.50 Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries $4.00 Long Islands

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

MON. 11/12

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Nite Drinkin in Ur Mason Jar! $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3.00 Blue Guys, $2.00 Sauza Party w/ the Cruzan Girls!

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles, $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge

TUES. 11/13

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bud Girls Every Wednesday Night $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks/ $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries! Logo Glass Night w/ $4 Pints and $2 Refills Upcoming Logos: Nov 7 Hamm's Premium, Nov 14: Coors Light NFL

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED. 11/14

Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my

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theblacksheeponline.com

bartenders of the week Nickname: Fruity Hebles

Nickname: Swaggin

Porn star name: Miley Clitrus

Porn Star name: Nathan

Describe yourself in 3 words: Pretty, popular, and shockingly down to earth

Favorite drink: Gin and tonic Where did you lose your virginity: Indian Road

What we're you for Halloween: Biker Dyke

Where’s the best place to hide out in Walmart after hours: The outdoor department

Craziest place you’ve had sex: The Armory Creepiest thing someone has ever said to you: “You would look good pregnant.”

Where is the best place to get a blowjob: Anywhere

Best pick up line: Wanna smoke?

Biggest Turn on: Eyebrows

Celebrity you would want to make a porno with: Mila Kunis, I’m all about lesbian erotica.

Biggest Turn off: Forklift foot Favorite movie: Sandlot

Dream place to have sex: The ball pit at McDonald’s.

haley e. kam's

Superpower: Ability to freeze time would make one-night stands a hell of a lot easier. How do you feel about buttholes? One in the pink, two in the stink.

the drinking game

Wizard Duels Sometimes drinking can give you the illusion that you have magical powers. However, what’s the point of having magic powers if you don’t get to carry around a big-ass wizard staff? What You’ll Need: Beer and tape. Number of Players: At least two. Level of Intoxication: If you’re going for “Gandalf the White” status, then you’ll get pretty smashed. How to Play: - Find a partner or group of people and get a case of beer to share. - Put on some rap music and begin drinking the beer. - Once you finish two beers, tape them together at the ends. - Attach each subsequent empty beer to the end of your new wizard staff. - After every five beers you “battle the Balrog,” which means you take a shot. - Once you run out of beer, or are not brave enough to continue drinking, pick a partner and duel with them using your staff. We know wizards do not typically have sword fights with their staffs, but it must happen sometimes, right? The Game Ends When: Once the duel has a decisive victor, the winner is awarded another beer. The loser also gets a beer for a consolation prize. With The Hobbit about to hit theaters in just above a month’s time, it would be a good idea to practice your wizard staffing now. It is also just a good skill to have. You never know when a dragon is gonna threaten your fellowship.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Sexiest celebrity: Honey Boo Boo

bill g. brother's

Super power: Insta-boners Biggest fear: Herpes

Recipe for Disaster

Pizza Ramen Ramen and pizza are quite literally the only things that our editor ever eats. This is not uncommon for a college student, however. Ramen is really the only thing you need; pizza is just for special occasions, like NBA games and drunk splurging. What You’ll Need: Prego pasta sauce, sausage, mozzarella, pizza crust, pepperoni, and Ramen noodles. Cook Time: 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: More sodium than you can possibly fathom. Let’s Get Baked: - Boil up some water and toss in the Ramen to cook. - Either grill the sausages or cook them in a pan on a stove top. - Heat up the Prego on the stove. Place cooked Ramen and sausage into the sauce and mix. - Spread the mixture onto the pizza crust (which is even better if you warm it in the microwave first) and top with mozzarella and pepperoni. - Go be poor some more. If this recipe was any more “college” it would have beer and cigarettes in it. The great thing about ramen is that it goes with almost anything. Don’t be afraid to get crafty and throw some weed in it or something. The world is your oyster.

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

page 17

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

the booze review Booze Review: Blanco Lunazul Tequila | grade: a Overview: Even though “Lunazul” means “blue moon,” don’t think this is some summertime bottled beer you’re getting yourself in to. This is real tequila, man. Notice the hints of pepper, citrus, and vanilla. That’s how you know it’s good. Also, the drunk feeling helps. History: For years the Mexican wolf had been one of the inhabitants of Mexico’s Tequila Valley. It was a symbol of independence, elegance, and spirit. However, in the mid to late 1900s, the wolves were hunted to near extinction because they were seen as a threat to settlers and their livestock in the area. One wolf named Jorge was a very wise soul. He saw the deaths of his friends and family and successfully avoided murder for many years. One week Jorge was walking along the fence of a large cattle ranch, (a risky move for such a smart wolf) following the trails of some rabbits and foxes. At one point, he let out a yelp of excitement knowing that he was close. This awakened the schizophrenic cattle in the pen who yelled out to other animals, “Beware! Jorge the wolf is here to eat us all!” He decided to run as fast as he could away from the cattle before the land owner heard. As he dashed off into the night a piercing shot ripped through the air, and Jorge was struck with a bullet in the stomach. The shooter yelled out with pride, “That’ll teach you bastards to mess with my cattle!”, but in Spanish. Jorge laid on the ground, groaning and writhing in pain. When the man was a few feet from Jorge and raised his gun, the wolf spoke out to him. “Señor, please don’t shoot. I am wounded and weak and ready to die alone. But if you nurse me back to health, I can tell you many things, things that will give you great riqueza, señor.

Great wealth.” “I have a better idea. You tell me what it is first, and I won’t shoot you again. The wolf sighed with pain and began to tell the man of a plentiful, unowned blue agave field nearby that was in perfect condition to make the world’s finest tequila. The man’s eyes grew wide as he thanked the wolf for his knowledge. The man immediately took off running in the direction of the field with his shotgun, leaving Jorge to die under the cool night sky. That man was Francisco Quijano, the current master distiller of Tierra de Agaves. Not many know of his murder and dishonor to the most respected animal of the Mexican deserts, but he’s super rich now, so he can do pretty much whatever he wants. Typical Drinkers: The Most Interesting Man in the World, wolf whisperers, cattle ranchers, SPAN 141 students, and illiterate Hispanic children. User Comments: “El tequila hace mi ropa se caen.” “So smooth, there’s no need for a chaser!” “I wish I had some Corona to mix this with.” Conclusion: Lunazul Tequila encourages its drinkers to release their inner wolves and let their free spirits roam. Although one could take this as an invitation to get completely plastered and go streaking through the Quad, we’re pretty sure that’s the not the company’s main intensions.

Best Mixer: orange juice and grenadine | Worst Mixer: sprite

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page 18

First Annual Battle of the quad bands tex mex wrote this After enduring several instances of enraged berating, public humiliation, and bodily waste being thrown from oncoming students, the performing musicians from the Quad have joined forces to bring forth the university’s First Annual Battle of the Quad Bands, or as students are calling, Shitnoonewantstohearapalooza. In an effort to gain a greater appreciation for their gracefully crafted art and musical genius, the Quad musicians have organized a day-long festival extravaganza that will take place conveniently on every ten to the hour.

theblacksheeponline.com

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What are you going to do to celebrate the end of this goddamn presidential election? “The same way I celebrate MLK day, fried chicken and grape drink.” - Joe M., Senior

The Fall 2012 Lineup: Whiny Hipster Who Thinks He’s Bob Dylan Incarnate 7:50 a.m. (Lincoln Hall Bench (sponsored by Pabst Blue Ribbon)) Kicking off the morning bright and early whilst everyone is still half asleep and hungover, Whiny Hipster’s soft rock guitar/harmonica combo illustrates the perfect soundtrack for students wondering why the hell they took an eight o’ clock class this semester. On tour to support his debut album, Songs to Ignore While Walking To, hit tracks such as “Breakup Song for a Girl Who Never Existed” and “Rejected from the School of Fine Arts” are not to be missed. Jazz Saxophonist Who’d Be Infinitely Cooler if He Didn’t Panhandle 8:50 a.m. (English Building Pavilion) Before groggily heading into that dreaded gen-ed conveniently scheduled at the crack of dawn, drop by the tree outside of the English Building to catch that groovy Saxman who looks like an out-ofplace bum from downtown Chicago. He’s got some sick chops, so be sure to drop off a buck or two in his conspicuously-placed fedora. But seriously, pay up, or he’ll start following you down Green Street.

Can they belt it out like the hippest and most idealized celebrity match-up out there to sixteen-year-old girls? Of course not, but the fashion resemblance is uncanny! Meant for a softer crowd, catch these lovers act as if tomorrow’s indie hits are literally pulled out of their asses in all of their lo-fi, too-ironically-raw-to-care glory. Encore performances normally include embarrassing arguments, complete silence from the guy, and groaning from the announcement of an encore.

Brother Jed’s Spoken Word 9:50 a.m. (Middle of the Quad (sponsored by Je$us in da Chrizzouse)) He’s back just in time for the coming holidays and is as zany as ever, so students looking for a relaxing, chill break before class … head to another stage. Jed’s back with a vengeance, and not even the Illini Secular Student Alliance can contain this artist’s controversial stage shows. Rumor has it that, during his rhythmic prose, he’ll be turning his almighty staff into a snake, Moses-style.

That Guy Who Listens to His Beats Loud Enough for a Twenty-Foot Radius to Hear 12:50 p.m. (Wherever you’re currently heading (sponsored by Dr. Dre)) Ready for today’s greatest club hits like “Mercy,” “Don’t Like,” and “Gangnam Style”? Once students leave for their next class, they won’t have much of a choice. In addition to a steady flow of tracks that have been incessantly beaten into aneurism-inducing repetition on the radio, check out this walking advertisement drop killer lyrics such as, “I’m sorry. Could you repeat that? I couldn’t hear you,” and, “No, these were totally worth over $300.”

That One Hip Hop RSO feat. One DJ Who Plays Music While 9 Others Bob Their Heads Like Idiots 10:50 a.m. (Illini Union Pavilion) For those looking for a boppin’ good time with misplaced beats loud enough to drone out the Altgeld bell, this troupe is worth walking by on a Chick-fil-A run. Playing everything that students normally hear at Joe’s on the weekends, these kids will prove that listening to overproduced dance remixes with a dupstep injection whilst completely sober isn’t as tasteless as it seems before eleven in the morning. And if they don’t, the band will just turn it up even louder. The Zooey Deschanel + Joseph Gordon-Levitt Experience feat. A Girl Who Can’t Sing and Her Pussywhipped Male Friend Who Can’t Play Guitar 11:50 a.m. (Crossroads of the Crosswalks)

The “Ethnic Music” Group You Can Hear All the Way From the South Quad 1:50 p.m. (Foellinger Auditorium Main Stage) No one’s sure as to what RSO they’re from or what country they’re representing, but if one thing’s for sure, students will be ecstatic to end the festival with a clusterfuck of bongos, steel drums, gongs, maracas, mandolins, accordions, marimbas, harpsichords, and pan flutes. The melodies will be dissonantly unclear, but after listening to this group, students will be able to acknowledge a truer appreciation and understanding for cultures of all sorts to boost their egos. The festival ends when someone brings out a ukulele. Who needs overpriced tickets to Pygmalion or Lollapalooza? These acts are there for your enjoyment, free of charge. Because who would really pay to listen to this garbage anyway?

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Real Life, Right Now.

ou y n a c y O sa ? e i v o m s see thi

In honor of Veteran’s Day, and just because we generally love America more than any other publication on the planet, we went ahead and reviewed four upcoming movies that will bring out the patriot in you. If you don’t leave the theater chanting “USA!” after these movies, then you can see yourself to Canada, friend-o. By: Brendan and Quinn

Lincoln: Nov. 16

Django Unchained: Dec. 25

Daniel Day-Lewis isn’t a stranger to taking on powerful American motifs (There Will Be Blood, Gangs of New York, The Crucible, etc.), so expect nothing short of greatness as he takes on Honest Abe in the twilight of his presidency. Steven Spielberg focuses the film on Lincoln’s struggles to unite the country and permanently end slavery with the Thirteenth Amendment.

Where Lincoln focuses on some boring white bureaucrats looking to reunite a divided America through the guise of ending slavery, Django Unchained promises no such thing. Quentin Tarantino’s latest is a western that sees a recently-freed slave and his bounty hunter buddy searching for Django’s enslaved wife, Broomhilda.

Since the film focuses on latter-day Lincoln, Day-Lewis won’t be shirtlessly wrestling townboys or chopping down wood. Don’t worry, you’ll still get a nice American pride-boner in watching a vehement president willing his country forward despite a drastically (and literally) dichotomous nation. Such is a boner we just don’t get very often these days. But, much like Pursuit of Happyness provided a peppering of “the American Dream is still real” for down-and-out viewers, and Jurassic Park gave hope to disenfranchised dinosaur enthusiasts - Lincoln will hopefully inebriate the American people into hoping a divided nation can move forward as a union and that legislators would realize a house divided against itself really won’t stand. We’ll also in-

evitably yearn for a time when we could have a president whose debatable religious affiliation and beard wouldn’t instantly draw months of media coverage and “terrorist” accusations. Our Favorite Trailer-Quote: Here stepped out upon the world’s stage now with the fate of human dignity upon our hands. Blood’s been spilled to afford us this moment.

Red Dawn: Nov. 21

Unless, of course, the movie was shot with China as the bad guys, and last-minute changes were made because money is more important than artistic integrity. Uh huh, in post-production the bad dudes were changed to North Koreans even though,

Beyond that, the trademark Tarantino stylization mimics the way we choose to view those early American documents we hold so sacred. A black slave named Broomhilda Von Shaft? Only possible in a Tarantino flick, much the same way we conveniently look past the inherent racism in those early documents. Freedom of speech (for white

Twilight: Breaking Part 2: Nov. 16

This fall we’ll be treated to the rehashing of a 1984 movie that frames the Cold War versus the Soviets in a way that romanticizes revolt in the face of Communist conquest. This 2012 flick paints the evil-but-inept North Koreans as invaders of Washington, the state. Oh America, land of the paranoid and home of the almighty dollar. Since the days of Alexander Hamilton the United States has always been concerned with her positioning on the world’s stage. This movie calls out to these fears because really, North Korea, a country swept by famine and sporting a paper tiger military is going to somehow launch a secret invasion on American that we couldn’t repel in like…10 minutes. Unless…

This movie is nothing less than a bloodspattered Declaration of Independence. Life? Well, by default everyone in this movie is alive (for part of it). Liberty? It’s a film featuring a freed slave hunting down his wife so she too can ascend beyond the shackles of bondage. The pursuit of happiness? Uh, getting laid and killing slave owners should make most anyone grin ear-to-ear.

people). Freedom to elect leaders (for white people). Freedom to bear arms (for white people). Freedom to enjoy Django Unchained outside of historical context (for everyone). Our Favorite Trailer Quote: Kill white people and they pay you for it? What’s not to like?

Dawn

If you’re thinking, “Wait, the last three movies were like, super American, and this isn’t American at all,” it’s because you’re a typical American, looking to be spoon-fed easily-digestible content.

again, an attack by them would result in the swift and total annihilation of anything sporting a PRK logo. Do you smell that? It’s not napalm, it’s money. Our Favorite Trailer Quote: We inherited our freedom, now it’s up to all of us to fight for it.

And that’s what makes the final installment of Twilight American. It spoon-feeds easily digestible content to the greatest demographic on the planet: teenage girls. None but the entertainment powerhouse that is America could churn out four vampirethemed romance novels at a fourth grade reading level, then turn those four shitty books into five shitty movies that make upwards of $700,000,000 each. EACH! Nothing is more American than profiting off of young girls’ emotions, cramming it down the rest of the world’s throat, and distracting us from harsh, difficult realities with an easy to argue Team Jacob vs. Team Edward debate. As you leave the theater, nothing should make you more proud than knowing

that that theatric abortion is one of the stabilizing forces in the failing global economy. USA! USA! USA! Our Favorite Trailer-Quote: So beautiful... we are the same temperature now.

page 21

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Local Gambler Can’t Beat The Odds

Mad Max wrote this

Unbeknownst to many, Legends has recently added four shiny, new gambling machines to their establishment. Rather than becoming flooded by the typical sadness and despair that saturates gambling establishments, its introduction has been fairly calm. Rumor has it that in the upcoming months Legends will add two or three more floors with the increased revenue from this flawless money making project. If things go well, they may even buyout the Wendy's that's opening next door and expan their operations. With the new floors will come even better gambling accessories, such as roulette tables upstairs and Russian roulette downstairs. Until the money starts pouring in, though, the Champaign gambling community will have to take turns sitting in front of electronically-rigged games.

“It’s not illegal to roll them so I’m going to do it in protest.” Mr. Jones hands his ID to the doorman, underpaid for the shit he has to put up with every night. The doorman leaves physically, but Bill has been mentally checked out ever since he clocked in. As he walks towards the bar, Canada Bill Jones catches the desperate look of a nineteenyear-old undergrad envying the beers in the older patrons’ hands. “Being forced to wait until twenty-one to drink and gamble is horseshit, and our founding fathers wouldn’t stand for it,” Jones thinks to himself.

“I showed my ID at the door,” Canada Bill Jones says while rolling a cigarette.

Turning back to Secrets of the Forest, he wonders how much of his money he’s going to allow this machine to take from him. Despite the beautiful fairies blowing loads of fairy dust towards his direction, it’s still just your basic slot machine, ready to eat up everything inside its victim’s wallet. Today’s new versions of slots are one of the easiest legal ways to steal money from unsuspecting people. In the past, all you needed was three matches in a row to win, but the combinations today need both the image and the background colors to match for the big payout. Basically it lowers the odds to about…nothing. Soft digital porn can only entertain Mr. Jones for so long as he notices the cash in his wallet is half of what it was when he came in. Maybe blackjack might turn his luck around. “Ah, an eleven to start off. Definitely going to double down. What? There isn’t a double down option. Only hit and stay? That even further rigs the game!” Mr. Jones is furious. As he continues to play he notices that the deck resets itself after every deal. It completely gets rid of one of the few skills a gambler can posses, such as counting cards and sleeping with the dealer’s wife.

“That was to walk in. This is to gamble. You know you can’t smoke those in here.”

The sad man slides over to the machine next to him, hoping for something better. “Now what’s Gem Stone?” The artificial

One particular gambler, Canada Bill Jones, can’t resist. The amount of money he spends on these slots is enough alone to cover the cost of the planned addition. Despite popular belief, gamblers aren’t stupid. They know exactly what the odds are, and play simply because they have nothing better to do. Unobstructed by the fact that an electronic machine can legally set the chance of winning to below fifty percent, he enters Legends the first night of the new gambling machines and grabs a seat by Secrets of the Forest. If Canada Bill Jones is going to lose money, why not save some digitally enhanced cartoons for the spank bank as well? Before he can slide a crisp Franklin into the slot, a large talkative man in a blue polo asks for his ID.

Cyclists Take Your Mark

Sam Caravette wrote this

diamonds and rubies bouncing off the walls of the screen cause Canada Bill Jones to salivate. Somehow he finds his way into a mini game that seemingly grants him money just by clicking on diamonds. He’s up! Actually up money from his original hundreddollar bill. “Hmmm … if I keep gambling and finding my way back, I’ll have even more money!” And it’s gone. “Any cash out?” the talkative man in the blue polo asks. “Not today.” “You realize it’s rigged right?” “Yeah, but it’s the only game in town.”

Amidst the slew of sporting scandals that have been popping up in the news over the past year lies the devastating downfall of America’s favorite doping activist. On October 22, the International Cycling Union formally stripped Lance Armstrong of all the titles he had won from 1998 to 2005, including his seven Tour de France titles. More recently, on October 26, the UCI declared that there would be no awarded winners of the Tour de France to replace Armstrong. This development has caused amateur racers across the country to rejoice in the fact that they finally have a legitimate chance of competing in the cycling world now that the supreme overlord has been dethroned. “At first I was shocked to hear about the accusations, and then about his lifetime ban from cycling. Lance Armstrong has always been my hero. Well, him and Michael Phelps, but then that momma’s boy did illegal drugs,” replied the speed douche. “But I’d be crazy if I didn’t see this as a huge opportunity to compete, considering him and I technically have the same number of Tour de France titles. I’ve already started training! I could be ready to go pro in, say, two months or so.” These words were spoken by senior James K., and he’s not the only biker on campus who has converted Champaign-Urbana into his own personal racetrack. There has been a dramatic increase in the number of wannabe cyclists racing five blocks to class in under five minutes preparing for their chance to participate in the Tour de France. Many of the students dropped out though when they realized people were saying “France” and not “Franzia.” “The International Cycling Union is looking for clean cyclists who can restore our shattered image. Having both testicles is also a plus,” commented UCI President Pat McQuaid, “We decided to tap into the pool of beginner cyclists, and there’s nothing more natural and wholesome than your average college student.”

While this news gives many University of Illinois students prospects for a future cycling career, the UCI is denying many students due to their frequent visits to the ARC basement. “We just can’t take any more chances with doping athletes, and the ARC basement is a toxic, shady environment. All it takes is one jacked up fratstar to start a chain reaction of juicebags,” McQuaid stated in an interview earlier this week. Currently, the training track begins at the edge of the bike path at the Armory near the Ike and extends into the Main Quad. The cyclists have declared dual citizenship by allowing themselves to act as both pedestrians and vehicles. This permits them to freely use both the roads and sidewalks without having to obey traffic laws, or have concern for anyone else’s safety, as they try to cut their race times. “This is just a really exciting time for cyclists all over the world. I feel like the excitement has found a sort of hub in the Champaign area due to the number of devoted bikers on the U of I campus. Because, I mean, these guys are devoted. They run red lights, cut people off, and they even ride in the winter. They will do whatever it takes to be the fastest, even if it means compromising the safety of hundreds of pedestrians. If that’s not love of the sport, I don’t know what is.” Pedestrians are encouraged to cease texting while walking to class in order to reduce the number of collisions due to haphazard cyclists, and the Champaign Police Department has been cracking down on reckless and erratic bike riding, suggesting the offenders “leave the cycling to the pros.” While the sport has suffered a major blow from the Armstrong disaster, it seems as if there is a light at the end of the tunnel for cycling after all. Just think, the next Lance Armstrong could be speeding past you as you casually walk to class. Or then again, it could just be some asshole showing off his new bike. Your call.

the riddle

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the classtime

rappers and their lyrics Across 2) It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up magazine 6) With so much drama in the LBC, it’s kinda hard bein’ ____ 8) Fake shoes, that’s that shit I don’t like 9) I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one 10) Black and yellow, black and yellow 14) See Caroline, all the guys would say she’s mighty fine 16) ‘Cause shotgun bullets are bad for your health 17) Move, bitch, get out the way 18) You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity only comes once in a lifetime 20) Ten, ten, ten twenties on ya titties, bitch

king, so that’s why you’re my highness. 5) Kick, push. Kick, push. 7) ___ ain’t nothin’ to f*ck with. 11) Today, I didn’t even have to use my A.K. I got to say, it was a good day. 12) To all, skeet, skeet, motherf*cker! All, skeet, skeet, god damn. 13) I do suicides on the private jet, you know what that means? I’m fly to death. 15) Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit. 19) I don’t hate players, I don’t love the game. I’m the shot clock, way above the game.

Down 1) So I pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head 3) That’s just the way it is, things’ll never be the same, that’s just the way it is 4) Now baby you’re the truth, so I’m just being honest. You treat me like a

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