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Issue 12
SUPER SENIOR SCREWED ONCE AGAIN
BY PRIORITY REGISTRATION Tex Mex wrote this
CHAMPAIGN – Just one semester away from completing his sixth year as an undergraduate, super senior Max Alberts has once again failed to reserve a spot in the last mandatory class required for him to graduate. Since declaring a minor in business the beginning of his first senior year, Alberts has missed out on registering for his final BADM elective for the past six semesters. “I always check when my time ticket is at the very beginning of the semester, and it’s been really easy to remember for the past few years since I pretty much have first dibs over anybody else due to credit hours,” explained Alberts as he incessantly refreshed his self-service page. “But it always slips my mind the week of because November’s just like, so far away. Ah well, there’s always next semester!”
to call his parents about getting “just one more teeny tuition extension.” “They just fill up so fast, and there’s nothing I can do but just say, ‘Oh, darnit!’ you know? I was so close to getting into BADM 390 this time!” One of Alberts’ academic advisors within the Department Political Science is always more worried and confused than the student whenever he tries to register for the single class that he needs in order to graduate. Especially since Alberts has completed his degree requirements for his major, his advisor finds it “completely baffling” that he’s been hung up on a minor course for so long.
Alberts’ closest friends, all of whom have graduated on time, claim that he has been saying “there’s always next semester” for several semesters now. Many of them expressed passive frustration when noting that Alberts’ usual course of action is refreshing the registration page, shrugging it off, and audibly declaring, “Darn. Oh well!” with a smile on his face.
“Max could literally just drop the stupid business minor whenever he wants and instantly be re-eligible for graduation again,” complained academic advisor Wendy Karuthers as she opened Alberts’ semesterly email regarding his registration conflicts with a groan. “He doesn’t even bother asking the Department of Business advisors to open up space for him. He just schedules meetings with me to explain his situation, but before I can suggest any solution, he just snaps his fingers and says, ‘Well, darn, what a shame, right?’ and leaves my office.”
“It’s those gosh darn business minor electives, I tell ya!” continued a surprisingly calm and collected Alberts as he prepared
However, this isn’t to say that Alberts has necessarily wasted away the past six semesters with no classes at all. With next
semester being no exception, Alberts has once again been able to register for the same 12-hour course load that has been keeping him academically afloat since his final semester as a fourth year senior. He notes that he still likes to keep his schedule “pretty darn rigorous” as a form of self-inflicting punishment for delaying his graduation yet again.
“People think I’ve wasted the last few years I’ve been here, but they really couldn’t be any farther from the truth,” argued Alberts as he cautiously looked over his “week at a glance” schedule for next semester while refraining to answer his infuriated mother’s calls. “I mean, another semester of ANTH 101 and MACS 104? Sheesh, talk about a gosh darn nightmare, am I right? Ask me
anything about anthropology. See? I don’t remember a darn thing about that class!” Alberts has reportedly set an alarm on his Google Calendar letting him know when registration starts for the Fall 2015 semester, but only time will tell how effective this will prove since April is so far away.
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STUDENT LIVES IN FAT SANDWICH FOR A WEEK AFTER BREAK-UP
TOP 10: REASONS YOU’RE GLAD YOU DIDN’T VOTE
GROUP PROJECT MEMBER FINALLY SNAPS, KILLS SLACKER
BECAUSE A WEEK IN KFC JUST WASN’T ENOUGH.
YOU TERRIBLE AMERICAN, YOU.
IT’S IMPORTANT TO NOT BOTTLE UP YOUR FEELINGS, FRIENDS.
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MIRRORCLE An act in which one looks in the mirror and is convinced she looks good when she, in fact, does not. “I don’t know what she was thinking when she looked at herself in the mirror tonight,” Bethany exclaimed, “must have been a mirrorcle.”
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THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear Tex Mex, Thank God you showed up… I NEED HELP ASAP. I’ve just woken up next to my absolutely last resort bang buddy, and leaving his apartment has proven far more difficult than I had anticipated. Every single time I rise up slightly and announce, “Well, I should be leaving soon,” he keeps pushing his cuddling advances and asks me about the future. How do I get out of this hookup snafu?
post-hookup situations ever dealt with. If your post-coital dude is hanging on to every last shred of hope that he has of starting a new life with you, here are some basic exit options that you can roll with. If you’re going for politeness, beware: the farther down you go this list, the harder it’ll be on him.
From, The Definition of Regret on a Thursday Morning
#1. “I’m so, so sorry, but I really have to go now. I already missed my first two classes, and the third is a mandatory discussion. I’ll text you sometime, though!”
Dear S.O.S. Caller #3046, Seeing that you had the time to write and mail a letter to us, I can tell that this is definitely one of the hairiest
#2. “Yeah, no, I really can’t stay. No, that’s okay, you can just Facebook me some time. My phone conveniently broke a few minutes ago. Apple,
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to the
EDITOR
right? Okay, bye.” #3. “Based on impaired perception and a physical dependency on sexual contact, we engaged in sensuous acts last night to fulfill that instinctive sense of lust. Now that we are no longer inebriated, that urge has since worn off, and we’ll likely go on again to do the same exact thing with several more different people within a few days. Goodbye.” If you actually have to use #3, try to do so using the most deadpan, robotic voice imaginable. At least leave him with the knowledge that he may have had sex with an android last night. Deuces, Tex Mex
SIGN OF THE TIMES PAGE 5 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
STUDENT LIVES IN FAT SANDWICH FOR A WEEK AFTER BREAK-UP Mo’ Freeman wrote this As UIUC approaches the colder months, butt buddies are similarly transforming into cuddle buddies, creating “significant other” statuses in the desperate search to find someone down with a consistent consensual dry hump to stay warm.
The first sympathetic attempt from workers caused what became Yeager’s weeklong binge on the sandwiches. According to Yeager, it was what helped maintain the sanity she had lost during her tragic heartbreak.
And then there are the poor little bitches left in the cold with their bleeding hearts on their sleeves. The story of junior Anna Yeager is sweeping campus as the girl has taken to getting over her break-up by setting up camp for the past week in the scary and sacred Fat Sandwich.
“I was so sure that he loved me, the way that he would drive me home when it was raining after shacking, texting me back sometimes with more than three words,” explained Yeager as she ate a sandwich she had been allowed to build on her own, brimming with only mini corndogs and ketchup. “And then when I talked about becoming Facebook official, something just changed and it was all over.”
Yeager appeared on the scene last Friday, teary-eyed and red-faced, looking for a way to escape the hurt of her boyfriend breaking up with her just hours before. Apparently when she looked up at the menu, she immediately had to be consoled by workers. “She couldn’t stop sobbing, like, she was actually shaking,” reported Jim Keene, a cashier at Fat Sandwich. “She looked up and just kept saying ‘Fat Cow...? That’s exactly what he used to call me…’ We couldn’t decide if she was ordering her sandwich or what so we just gave her one to get her away from the counter for a little while.”
Yeager went on to explain how living at Fat Sandwich has been more of a spiritual experience for her. “I’ve connected with so many more people on this campus in a way I would’ve never been able to unless I decided to find myself at Fat Sandwich.” The community has certainly welcomed her during the early hours, as inebriated customers come to see the main attraction of the restaurant and pay tribute to what has already become a new UIUC legend.
been created in her honor, seeing as she became their most profitable customer in just one week. The newly-announced “Saint Yeager” sandwich features the prolific customer’s original make-it-your-own combo of mini corndogs and ketchup and has caught the attention of many students who look up to Yeager for inspiration as they deal with their own pre-winter breakups.
An eponymous sandwich at the restaurant has
Yeager had to end her stay at Fat Sandwich recently
due to a non-fatal heart attack which forced her to go to Carle Hospital. Sources said she has been transferred to a clinic that works closely with scurvy. It has been confirmed that her experience at Fat Sandwich has been worse on her body than if she had drank three times her weight in Captain Morgan and only eaten frozen pizza for thirty years. Yeager is currently in recovery but has voiced plans to return to Fat Sandwich “as soon as possible.”
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CURRENT EVENTS
POLICE HIDING IN BARS IN RESPONSE TO CAMPUSTOWN MUGGINGS Banana Boy wrote this
The University of Illinois campus has become a dangerous place to walk at night due to a large influx of gang violence in the streets. Coming down from Chicago, many gangs have moved into the Champaign area, and as part of their initiation, they’ve been attacking unsuspecting students. While students have voiced complaints that the campus police are not doing enough to protect the population, the department states otherwise. “We’ve ramped up our bar raids significantly since the muggings started,” stated Chief of Police Anthony Cobb. “We’ve found that it’s important to make sure the students know we’re around, and being in the bar with them is the best way to make our presence known.” By stepping up the raids on the bars, Cobb stated their Twitter presence has really been peaking. “Everybody’s talking about us, even news stations outside Champaign! Sure they’re saying rude things about us being ineffective, but as the ancient campus police proverb goes, ‘No press is bad press!’” However, some students are contending that the only reason the police are raiding the bars is to hide from the thugs responsible for the violence. “That’s preposterous,” one Officer Jacobs laughed as he and 15 policemen filed into Cly’s Tuesday night. “I have a gun, why would I be afraid of some hoodlums trying
to take me out?” Jacobs was later seen looking around warily after leaving the bar and running to his squad cars while yelping, “I’m a cop, it’s a felony if you hurt me!” But some cops have been singing a different tune. Officer Greg Hammond decided to start knocking back some brews during a bar raid, and after being sufficiently loosened up, he started letting the words flow. “Listen, I signed up for the police department for a reason. Parking tickets, jaywalking, bar raids, it’s the life,” Hammond slurred. “But then these attacks started happening and dealing with that wasn’t part of the job description. Sure, I’ve had to deal with my fair share of liquored-up frat guys punching the living daylights out of each other, but this is different.” While one of Hammond’s fellow officers implored him to stop talking, Hammond quickly told him to “quiet his pie hole” and continued speaking with us. “We’re really close to getting a new flat screen TV for the station, and these drinking tickets we’re collecting should really help us out. Plus, the annual ski trip is coming up, and God knows I’m not gonna’ pay my way for that either.” Hammond was then hit over the head with a nightstick by a superior officer and dragged out of the bar. Many students say a vigilante is needed with all the police now inside the bars, but others
THE BLACK SHEEP ONLINE .COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS
simply believe that mobs of students would do the trick. Students supporting the posse approach believe that they should use a defenseless student as bait, wait until the gang arrives, and then “jump the shit out of them.” Campus police have stressed that taking the law into your own hands will only end in problems for them
and have stressed that college students don’t need to worry about facing gang members or forming a posse anymore. “These goons don’t know what we have coming for them,” said Chief Cobbs with a grin. “Their first step into a bar with a fake ID and we’ll nail those gangbangers. And if they’re not coming to the bar, well, I’ll definitely drive by them at some point in my squad car and freak them out with my siren a little.”
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Krannert Uncorked Event Ends with Three-Hour Fart into Trumpet Jupiter Stevens wrote this URBANA – Last week’s Krannert Uncorked event ended in surprising, yet impressive fashion. The weekly night of wine tasting and folk entertainment escalated quickly when members of the bands began chugging wine out of jugs in order to blow on them for instrumentation. “They went mad, man. Everything was jazzy and chill and then all of the sudden you turn around and dudes are going nuts,” Carl Gumphert, the event’s musical director said. “Next thing you know the guys are hitting each other over the heads with guitars Looney Tunes style and filling cowbells with wine.” Gumphert said the event came to a dramatic close when one
member of local band Bones Jugs ‘N Harmony jumped onto a table, pulled down his cutoff jeans and began farting into the mouthpiece of a classical trumpet. “The table was full of very prestigious donors,” Gumphert said, shaking his head. “The worst part was that he was blowing it right into Lady McPherrin’s face. Lady McPherrin, of course, is the world-famous OCD violinist from Ireland.” Headlining musician Dom Flemons, best known for his Grammy-winning musical project Carolina Chocolate Drops, followed suit by drunkenly sliding across the table face first. Witnesses said Flemons then pulled his pants down so that just his butt was sticking in the
air and began yelling, “I’ll show you some chocolate drops, you f%#king fancies!” Gumphert said the event was postponed after house maestro Jiminy Fredericks complained about being awaken in his boarding room in the performance center’s lobby. “How can a maestro sleep if every four counts he skips a beat?” Fredericks exclaimed in a shrill voice, extending his right arm and flicking his wrist, while many bystanders were shocked that maestros do in fact speak in riddles. Krannert released a statement early the next morning, informing the community that next week’s event is in question following the drunken madness of Thursday night.
HAPPY VETERINARIAN’S DAY We keep receiving misaddressed letters at The Black Sheep corporate office since we recently changed locations. While most of them inform us of the incredible number of free cruises we’ve won in the past year or the incredible debt we’ve managed to build up going on them, we sometimes receive interesting ones such as this letter from kindergarten student Kenny Larnsworth writing to his mother: mom November 5, 2014 5645 W. Belmont Ave. Chicago, IL 60604
now and you don’t die with you sleep alone with them. Please tell them I said hi. Dad did not answer my phone calls today. He did not say hi.
hi Mom, happy veterenarian’s day. I hope you are having fun with your dogs Cooper, bailey, and reilly. And snickers and Hoopie. im sorry dad left you Are teacher asked us to write leters to veterinarians for veterinarians day. She told me it is this month. This month is november. Dad hasnt called since september I told my teacher i know a veterinarian and it is my mom. She said I should be very proud. I told her you just wipe dogs butts and kill peoples cats when theyre sleeping. She laughed at me and said if only you could get to the rushins next
when mary beth showed our class her uncles dog tags I said my mom has tons of those. She called me a liar and I spilled juice on her uncle. he was blending in with things outside of the window. I made a picture of you when we had to make paintings of a veterinarian. it has you making the sad face like when you tell that joke about dad and say everything is going to be alright. Thats my favorite one. Please tell reilly and snickers I said hello. And hoopie and bailey and cooper. love, kenny
My best friend richard said his grandpa died while being a veterinarian. He said he died a long time ago in a dog fight. Im glad they have medicine for dogs
Jupiter Stevens wrote this
current events
Opinion: UIUC Students Aren’t Committing Enough Crime
People on this campus know well enough that one specific minority is committing all the crimes in Champaign-Urbana. The Illini Safety Alerts always include that tidbit of information that isn’t supposed to cause “prejudice” or “instigate hate crimes,” but we all know exactly who’s going to get randomly selected for a stop-and-frisk. Frankly, when you oppress a specific demographic of individuals for hundreds of years, what do you expect to happen? We can’t keep beating around the bush—we’re talking about “townies.” Yes sir, there’s an epidemic in the crime community in which too many undesirable locals are sneaking into people’s beds at night and causing a ruckus. Townies carry old-world diseases that we don’t have immunizations for, like Perpetual Parental Reliance Plague – immunizations we would refuse anyway because of autism. These hooligans are terrorizing the students of U of I to a degree not even achievable by a naked Robert Easter. The worst part is the unfair image painted of our beautiful campus. What do the I-Guides say to prospective students on campus tours? “Oh yeah, and beware of the 16-year-olds who go around punching people in the head.” The unfortunate news is that townies are getting all the press. Us UIUC kids are never in the headlines anymore. Instead, we’re the poor saps getting manhandled in the police reports. There’s only one solution to the townie crime problem: We have to create our own crime. Illinois attracts enough kids from Rockford and the South Side, hell, even Detroit and Flint, Michigan are
within our grasp. There’s bound to be a handful of Chicago Mafia mob bosslings attending this school. The Chicago Outfit is so deep, you don’t even hear about it, unlike those amateurs over in New York. There’s enough inherent violence to go around within our student body, and the townies are detracting from our street cred. We need more UIUC students flailing fake swords on the Quad for no apparent reason. Hell, we’d even settle for white collar crime. Let’s get a crime syndicate backing the Illinois Student Senate, if there isn’t one already. We want to see some bribery charges on the Illini Alerts for once. Maybe a pyramid scheme or two, yeah? There’s bound to be some tax evasion happening out of 309 Green. We mean come on people. Not even a little bit of corporate espionage inside Jimmy John’s? Step up your game, Illinois. How do you ever expect to be successful if you never indulge in a little insider trading? Eventually, the townies are going to take over if we don’t stop them, and by stop them, we mean outdo them. We know you might be scared because the majority of you students are white and therefore are limited to committing crimes in the daytime (when you’re least visible). But remember that Club Fed is basically a fivestar hotel with brandy and purebred guard dogs. At least start a secret society with questionable morality. You can even call it the Illiniminati. In due time, we’ll be able to have the steady flow of criminal diversity that’s been long sought out Crime Alert after Crime Alert. After all, 3:30 a.m. is such an awfully late time to read safety emails.
The Gonz wrote this
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SIGN OF THE TIMES
THE TOP TEN
REASONS YOU’RE GLAD YOU DIDN’T VOTE Your mom may be nagging you that you didn’t go out and vote, but no worries, you made the right decision not doing so. We mean, you barely gave a shit about your academic midterms, so why would you bother with their political counterparts? Pick one of these reasons to get your mom off your back, at least until you forget to vote for the next president in two years. 10.) The voting booths make you claustrophobic: Those red, white, and blue stripes are closing in on you. Big decisions await you on the ballet. Are the booth’s walls closing in, or is it just the insurmountable pressure of exercising the right to vote without knowing jack about the candidates? The air is getting thinner… 9.) It’s too much hassle to figure out where to vote: Do you vote for candidates in your university’s town? Do you vote for candidates at home? What’s all this business about getting an absentee ballot? Mommy? Help!
NOVEMBER ILLINITES PREVIEW:
THE GOLDEN AGE OF PORN Kat Vandelay wrote this
Illinites, a late-night entertainment alternative hosted by the Illini Union, has dumped over half its yearly budget into the theme for November’s event following an increase of violence on campus resulting in students seeking alternative ways to remain entertained while staying safe.
bush to break a weed whacker. Modern day porn is all about the Brazilian waxing, so in order to combine hair and sex, we needed to go back a couple of decades where the men looked like Tom Selleck and women resembled his chest hair while spread eagle.”
Illinites has chosen to take advantage of the thousands of bored, sober students who would rather watch season 9 reruns of How I Met Your Mother than get mugged. Instead of reeling in potential attendees with the usual enticement of free pizza, the organization has chosen to revamp the entertainment for November with a radical idea that will shake the very foundation of the university.
While the theme has raised many eyebrows in the University of Illinois community, there seems to be mixed reviews within the student population. Many students are excited to learn about porn culture, but others are apprehensive about viewing the graphic images.
In order to create a cohesive theme, the Illinites organization conducted a survey amongst U of I students in which students indicated their interests during the month of November. The top choices between both males and females were “No Shave November” and “sex,” perhaps due to the onset of cold weather. In order to ensure a high turnout for this major event, Illinites decided to follow suit with these major themes. The theme for this month’s Illinite is “The Golden Age of Porn,” which will combine all the hairy delights of No Shave November with sexual arousal. According to Illinties’ event coordinator Amanda Bugsy, the theme was a conscious decision by the entire organization to better reintroduce the Illinites image on campus. “The Golden Age of Porn took place during the early 1970s,” commented Bugsy. “70s pornos were full of oil tycoon mustaches and enough
8.) Your professor gave a pop quiz on Election Day: If you’d been at the voting booths, you would have totally missed the quiz, therefore hurting your grade, forcing you to not graduate, and making you an unproductive member of society. Then again, you didn’t go to class anyway because there’s this magical study buddy named Netflix. At least streaming services don’t make you feel guilty about pissing away your civil duties. 7.) FOX News doesn’t think young women should vote anyway: The Five co-host said young women shouldn’t vote or be on jury duty because they don’t have the right life experiences yet. Guilfoyle said young women should just focus on Match.com and Tinder. You just wait until we write about this on Yik Yak, Guilfoyle! 6.) You avoided hanging chad jokes: Remember that time in Florida with the hanging chads? Even though we’re not sure if there was an actual guy being hanged or what, we hope it doesn’t happen again.
“I saw that Miracle of Birth shit back in middle school,” stated senior and avid porn viewer, Jack Dunnigan. “The lady in that had little to zero maintenance going on. Anytime I see even a single pube on a woman, I go completely flaccid. There’s a reason why ‘vintage’ links will always remain blue for me during my Sunday morning porn excursions.”
5.) You eliminated the chance of dying in a crash on the way to the voting booths: If you had driven to the booths, you could’ve gotten in a car crash. If you rode the bus, you could’ve been thrown from the window in a pileup. If you walked, an anvil could’ve fallen from the sky and crushed you. With how fired up people get for midterms, you’re lucky that I’m still even breathing, mom.
Surprisingly, the Illini Union Board has had no opposition to the event. In fact, members of the board have gone so far as to donate their old Playboy magazines as well as copies of Deep Throat and The Devil in Miss Jones to be screened for students. President Robert Easter was also delighted to pick a few “rare” selections from his vault, including some productions dating back to the 1920s.
3.) There’s no blame on you if the winner screws up: Remember when all those posterizations of Obama went from “HOPE” to “NOPE”? By not voting, you can’t be blamed for choosing a candidate who screwed up. We’re wagging our fingers at you, voters who elected Rod Blagojevich. The only good thing that came out of that was the intrigue of what was hiding under that bed of hair.
Despite all the controversies surrounding the university lately, it seems this event has slipped through the radar as acceptable. So sit back, relax, and allow a little porn culture to rub one out for you.
4.) Seeing old people at the voting booths would’ve reminded you of your grandparents: And you haven’t called your grandparents in a very, very, very, long time. The guilt is too much. It’s also a good proof to show you likely won’t give a shit about voting until you’re pushing 50 anyway.
2.) You always sucked at Scantron tests anyway: The teacher always said to fill in the bubbles completely, but dammit if your pencil didn’t always slip outside the lines! There’s no way you could bubble in for the biggest Scantron test of all on Election Day. 1.) Blood bank stickers are better than Election Day stickers: What do you get from voting? A sticker and a pat on the back for doing your duty as an American? No thanks. The blood bank is way better. You get a sticker, save a life, and get a free cookie afterward. We hear sperm banks give out kickass temporary tattoos, too. Winnie Bago wrote this
09
If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page!
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ELECTRIC CLUBHOUSE featuring DANI DEAHL, $1 Sushi from Ko Fusion, Specialty Long Islands and Neon! (Late Show!)
Saturday 11/8
$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles, $3 Bacardi, $3 Long Islands, $4 Patron Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers
NO COMMENT A CAPPELLA (Early Show!) HERE AND NOW AFTERSET (Late Show!)
$3 Captain Morgan $3 Bud Light $5 Patron Shots
Rock for Humanity, $5, 8pm featuring DJ Jimmy Patrick and more! Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
THE GREAT CRUSADES, THE FIGHTS and more (Early Show!)
Sunday 11/9
Closed
ALEX’S CONCERT (Closed Event)
Book your Next Party or Event at The Clybourne! CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Monday 11/10
$2 Double Well Drinks $2 Bud Light/Budweiser Drafts, $5 Bud Light/ Budweiser Pitchers
TWIDDLE with MISTER F
Book your Next Party or Event at The Clybourne! CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Book Your Next Party at Cowboy Money!
Tuesday 11/11
$2 Wells $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* $2 Shot of the Week
CARNAGE with DZEKO & TORRES and PARIS BLOHM
WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $2 Wells $2 Beam Fire
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 8:45pm
K THEORY with DIRTY DI$CO and KRUCIAL
No Womp Wompsday! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Wednesday 11/12
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life
$2 Flavored LITs - NEW FLAVORS Peach, Banana, Raspberry, Apple, Melon, Blue Grape, Strawberry, THE CHIEF
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM THE BAR GRID Sunday Doubleheader HAWKS vs Sharks 6pm This game is Blacked Out! Watch it here on NHL Center Ice! BEARS vs PACKERS 7pm $2 Anything Sundays!
NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s
SATURDAY: Pangea Presents: Belly Boo Breast Cancer Fundraiser, 6pm
TUESDAY: No Cover @ the 8th Grade Dance
SPECIAL NIGHT
Bulls vs Bucks 7pm KARAOKE NIGHT 10pm $1 SHOTS, $2 Fireball Bud Mug Night - You Keep The 25oz Mug!
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Freshmen Night No Cover Under 25
Wednesday 11/5
Browns vs Bengals 7pm $1 WELLS - NO COVER! $1 TACO’S from 4pm-10pm $2 Bud Light
$3 ANY Draft $4 White Russians
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
Redd, White and Boom! $2 Redd’s, $2 Jaeger Bombs and $2 Blue Moons
Thursday 11/6
Blackhawks vs Capitals 7:30pm Bulls vs 76ers 6pm $3.99 Haus Fries, $6 Bud Light 40’s $3 Jim Beam $3 Bacardi Drinks & Bombs
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 10pm, $5
Book Your Next Event Here
Friday 11/7
Watch all the College Football Here! BULLS vs CELTICS 7pm $3 Captain Morgan $3 Rumple Shots $3 Bud Light Bottle
Catch the All the Action at Guido’s!
Pangea Presents: Belly Boo Breast Cancer Fundraiser, 6pm De Noche, Salsa Dancing, Drink Specials! 9pm
Contact us at joesbrewery@gmail.com
Saturday 11/8
Sunday Doubleheader HAWKS vs Sharks 6pm This game is Blacked Out! Watch it here on NHL Center Ice! BEARS vs PACKERS 7pm $2 Anything Sundays!
NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
Beers and $4 Spazzles
Sunday 11/9
BULLS vs PISTONS 7pm Eagles vs Panthers 7pm $1 Bud Light Drafts HALF PRICE APPS 4-10pm
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
MNJ
Monday 11/10
Hawks vs Lightning 7pm HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $2 Wells, $2 Bud Light Drafts HALF PRICE BURGERS 4-10pm
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
No Cover @ the 8th Grade Dance
Tuesday 11/11
KARAOKE NIGHT 10pm $1 SHOTS, $2 Fireball Bud Mug Night - You Keep The 25oz Mug!
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Sophomore Night: No Cover Under 24
Wednesday 11/12
The only shirt you need for football season
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THE BAR GRID DOWNTOWN
order by monday blacksheepswag.com
KAM'S
Friday and Saturday: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
FRIDAY: Blackhawks Party! Win a Roenick Jersey $3 24oz Coors Lt Cans $3 Jäger Bombs
Friday 4 o’Clock Club 1/2 Price Appetizer 4 ‘til 5
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys
Wednesday 11/5
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
Bud Up for Whatever - Win Bulls Tickets! $2 Platinum, $2 Bud/Bud Lt. 16oz Cans, $3 Blue Guys, $3 Cuervo/3 Olives Drinks, $5 Lime-a-Rita Pitchers, $2 Paddy’s
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night
Thursday 11/6
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Thirsty Thursday! No Cover! $2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Beers
$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot
Friday 11/7
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Blackhawks Party! Win a Roenick Jersey $3 24oz Coors Lt Cans $3 Jäger Bombs
BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
Saturday 11/8
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Red Carpet Party Limo Pickups + Photags $4 Absolut Blue Guys $4 Jameson Drinks
Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
Sunday 11/9
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Sunday Night Football! Bears / Packers 7:30p Bears Pints & Prizes $2 U Call It
Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS
$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers
Monday 11/10
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Monday Nite Football Open 7:30pm $2 U Call It “Get it All Here”
Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale
Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30
Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR
Tuesday 11/11
1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
No Cover! ALL Drafts on sale
Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night
SPECIAL NIGHT
Senior Night! No Cover 21+
Wednesday 11/12
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
$10 Bud Buckets (Pick 5), $6 Pitchers $3 Appleseed Cider, $3 UV Drinks, $2 Fireball, $6 Bacardi Fishbowl KamsIslands
Country Nite! “Drink it in Your Mason Jar” & Wear Your Dukes & Boots $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles, $7.50 “5” Bottle Buckets, $1.50 Drafts, $2 Moonshine Drinks & Shots, $2 Beam Fire Shots, $2 Beam Fire & Ginger
Bud Up for Whatever - Win Bulls Tickets! $2 Platinum, $2 Bud/Bud Lt. 16oz Cans, $3 Blue Guys, $3 Cuervo/3 Olives Drinks, $5 Lime-a-Rita Pitchers, $2 Paddy’s
THE BAR GRID Come get Orchata Milkshakes This Saturday Starting at 8:30pm! Limited supply, come get them while they last!
TUESDAY: $2 Domestic Drafts
$3 Premium Drafts $0.40 Wings (5-10pm, dine-in only)
SATURDAY: Open at 4pm $2 Long Islands
Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
MONDAY $1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM
SPECIAL NIGHT
Logo Glass Day! Party with the Fireball Girls!
$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)
$4 Cruzan Buckets $2 Beam Fire
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
Wednesday 11/5
$8 Pitchers of Killians, Leinenkugels and Shocktop
10 for $10 Coors Light 7oz Bottles $4.25 Martinis
Shacker Night $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Jack, Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM
Thursday 11/6
$5 Wild Turkey or Skyy Doubles
$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 16oz Cans
Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles Cracked Truck at 7pm
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM
Friday 11/7
$5 Jameson Doubles $3 Goose Island Family Beers Orchata Milkshakes Starting at 8:30!
$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 20oz Drafts w/ Keeper Cup
Open at 4pm $2 Long Islands
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Captain, Crown, & 3 Olives Drinks
Saturday 11/8
Get Ready for Trivia Night! $4 Well Doubles
5 for $12 Domestic Buckets $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6.95 All You Can Eat Spaghetti & Garlic Bread (5-10pm, dine-in only)
Book your next Party or Event at RED LION! Call 217-722-9000 or email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com
$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp
Sunday 11/9
BINGO NIGHT! $3 Drafts of Blue Moon, Angry Orchard and Sam Adams Family
$2 Domestic Bottles $6 Personal 10in Pizza w/ 1 Topping (5-10pm, dine-in only)
MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 HOT STUFF $3 MONSTER VODKA’S
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM
Monday 11/10
$2 Tall Boys of Old Style, PBR, Schlitz and Miller Lite
$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Premium Drafts $0.40 Wings (5-10pm, dine-in only)
SENIOR NIGHT $2 LONG ISLANDS, $2 WELLS $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES Bags Tourney at 9pm
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY
Tuesday 11/11
Logo Glass Day!
$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)
$4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Beam Fire $3 Jim Beam $3 Bud Light Aluminum Btls
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers, $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
Wednesday 11/12
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PARTY PICS!
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS If you woke up as a member of the opposite sex tomorrow—besides the sex stuff—what’d be the first thing you’d do?
MAGGIE
“Go to the man cave at the ARC .”
JOSH
“Put on a low-cut shirt and go flirt for some free drinks.”
ALEX
“Shower, get ready, get dressed all in 3.26 minutes.”
BARTENDERS of the WEEK
ULISES of FIREHAUS
Relationship Status: My Fleshlight Major: Dick stroking Favorite Drink: Strawberry-banana Long Island Favorite Shot: Dirty tampon Disgusting Drink: The T3 What drink is much better in the winter than it is in the summer?: Kopala’s eggnog. As a bartender, what do you see as an acceptable tipping policy?: Glimpse of the wizard sleeves. Make an argument for fall being the best season: Big, cozy, fuzzy sweaters. Where’s the most surprising place you’ve ever found money?: Madrigal’s mom’s panties. Who is your favorite Illinois alumnus?: Hugh Hefner… taught me blondes with big tits are the way to go. What are you terrible at, but fine with being terrible at?: Tongue punching fart boxes. The puny mortals have offended you, m’lord, what shall we do with them?: PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: They shouldn’t, you’ll poke your eye out!
THE DRINKING GAME
STRIPPING THE COLD
CHRIS of CLYBOURNE
Relationship Status: Depends who’s asking. Major: Integrative biology, minoring in boozing Favorite Drink: Dip spit and beer Favorite Shot: Elf jizz Disgusting Drink: Anything with vodka What drink is much better in the winter than it is in the summer?: Whatever gives you the best beer coat. As a bartender, what do you see as an acceptable tipping policy?: Depends if you want the bartender’s number later. Make an argument for fall being the best season: Yoga pants and football. Where’s the most surprising place you’ve ever found money?: Found a $1 bill wrapped up in a tampon. Who is your favorite Illinois alumnus?: Hugh Hefner… many good times with his work by myself. The puny mortals have offended you, m’lord, what shall we do with them?: Bitches getting pissed over having the same slutty kitten Halloween costume is the cattiest thing you can do. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: If I got one cent for every time I heard liberal bullshit in The Daily Illini, I’d be a rich man.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
OLD-SCHOOL SANDWICH
BOOZE REVIEW Tecate Grade: B-
After several poor impersonators with spraygrayed beards uninterestingly trying to be the Most Interesting Man in the World, we decided that it might be best to give Dos Equis a rest when it comes to naming the only other Mexican beer people know outside of Corona. Enter Tecate, or otherwise known as the three misfit bottles that snuck into your Dos Equis sampler pack. But don’t let the off-branding discourage you. Tecate may very well be the “PBR of Mexican brews,” but that’s not necessarily a bad thing by any stretch. Smells like: The same sort of tinny-ness of domestic cans that hits your smell receptors like sniffing a piece of aluminum. Except this time, it’s like… Mexican aluminum, or something… Tastes Like: Slightly dingy, but with a surprisingly positive aftertaste that makes you warmly wince in a, “well, at least it’ll get the job done” way. It tastes about as plainly solid as the bold, red banner that adorns the tallboy you’re holding. Typical Drinkers: - Insecure hipsters who’re tired of the whole “getting harassed for drinking cheap PBR” shit. - People who enjoy their beers having three quick-fire syllables to their names. - Those looking for solid tattoo ideas based on their drinks’ logos. - People scratching their heads trying to figure out this whole “Por Ti” thing on the internet (Google “Tecate Por Ti.”)
User Comments: - “Ah, yes. I’ll take one can of your finest TE-CAHTEY, please.” - “That’s Quetzalcoatl on the can, right? That’s a damn fine bird, let me tell you. Damn good bird.” - “Yeah, you’ve never heard of it, blah blah blah I’m so hip blah blah blah…” - “I don’t always cheap out on imports. But when I do, I prefer Tecate.” You’ll Like This if You Like: Nabbing something other than a Budweiser tallboy when your friend emergency alerts you that the party you’re about to walk into just ran dry. Best Described as a Knock-Off Spokesperson a la Dos Equis: The Most Passively Notable, “Meh” Man in the World (Who’s Also on a Budget) What the Most Interesting Man in the World Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “We’re both made by the same brewing company, so I could really care less about what you prefer.” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Nachos, stale cigarettes, anything off of Taco Bell’s “Fourth Meal” menu… if they still do that thing. Canned, Bottled, or Draft?: You can get this sucker bottled, but it doesn’t feel right unless it’s in a can. Crank up your Tijuana Brass’ Greatest Hits record and dance like the belligerent house-partying college kid you are.
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m o c . e n i l on p e e h s k c a l b e h t Print • Mobile • Online
around campus
Satan: “I’m Very Pleased with Illini Secular Student Alliance” Satan wrote this, reported on by Squirrel Man Dear University of Illinois, Hey guys, what’s up guys? It’s me, Satan. How’ve you been? It’s been a while since I visited U of I. Last time I spoke to you guys was last winter, when I announced that classes weren’t cancelled. Anyway, I just want to let y’all know I’m grateful for your help in my eternal war against God. I rely on college campuses as bastions of skepticism, free thinking, liberalism, and everything else that makes God cry, and U of I is one of the best unholy battlegrounds there is. Namely, I’m very pleased with the work of the Illini Secular Student Alliance. The ISSA has done more to promote reason than my freshman year philosophy professor. Yeah, Satan went to school too, guys. Thanks to the atheist organization, there
is about 75% more reason in the Champaign-Urbana area than there would be otherwise. That’s almost as much reason as Richard Dawkins himself has inspired. In addition, ISSA has lent a tremendous amount of support to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is an important ally of mine, as well as one of my closest friends. I don’t know where I’d be without him. And over the years, the Flying Spaghetti Monster has depended on the help of ISSA and other Pastafarians, who worship him ironically in order to stick it to the dirty Christians. Make no mistake that the actions of smartass atheists are duly appreciated and downright hilarious. I’ve been laughing my tail off down here. My one criticism of ISSA is that maybe they should give the whole
“blasphemy” thing a break every once in a while. Hell, I’m Satan, and even I don’t spend every day fighting religion. My hate boner for God isn’t that strong, and that’s coming from the guy who was forcibly kicked out of Heaven by the Big Guy in the sky. I’m just saying, maybe ISSA will give bad PR to atheism if they make such a big deal out of it. Like, who wants to pay $1 to hug an atheist? I don’t care if the money’s going to cancer research or ending up in my pockets: It’s still kind of a dick move. Furthermore, I would like to thank U of I for letting so many campus preachers speak on their Quad. Nothing gives religion a worse name than a rambling old former alcoholic shouting about why we should all fear God and not have premarital sex, in front of thousands of impressionable young adults. Keep up the great work, Brother Jed!
God, I love that guy. It may not seem like it, but Hell needs as many damned souls as it can get. You’d think I’d have enough people in Hell, between all the sinners, heathens, and unbaptized babies. But if I hope to defeat the Lord one day, I need the help of people who are willing to convert others to the dark side. And the Illini Secular
Student Alliance is doing just that. They work tirelessly to influence others to become nonbelievers, and so I’m extraordinarily thankful for their efforts, and for the efforts of all people at U of I who are inspiring heresy. Yours truly, Satan, Prince of Darkness
P.S. Sorry for making your football team so awful this year, but Beckman keeps praying before every game – something about “job security”? Disclaimer: The Black Sheep does not necessarily agree with the views expressed by Satan or his eternally damned affiliates.
GO HOME SuburbanEXpress
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GROUP PROJECT MEMBER FINALLY SNAPS, KILLS SLACKER KT wrote this
Champaign Police were called to the UGL after a disturbing 911 phone call at 12:26 a.m. Tuesday night. Police reports said a frantic student had made an emergency phone call after witnessing a horrific murder in one of the cubicles on the second floor of UGL. Police identified Paul Townsend, a senior in psychology, as the murderer. On the night of the crime, Townsend and four other group members were working on their group project for MACS 100. The project consisted of creating a three-minute film, and Townsend allegedly got heated over some creative differences and lack of effort by his group members. “Paul was a weird guy from the start. He wanted us to meet every day for four hours to work on this short, and would get super pissed when we couldn’t,” sophomore Jackie Smith said. “We tried to explain to him that MACS 100 is a complete blow-off class, and we could just film one of us breathing for a while, slap an ‘avant garde’ tag on it, and still get an A. But Paul wanted to make this super weird indie film about love in outer space that nobody understood. That’s where the trouble started.” Police have recovered emails that Townsend sent to his group members, which started out extremely passiveaggressive. He sent messages to his group with the subject, “sorry if you guys are too busy for this project, but I for one do not want to screw the group over so I will just do the whole lousy thing myself.” After multiple emails with similar subjects, records show Townsend’s group began to respond and work on the project, except for one member. “Everything was fine once we started to work on it, and Paul seemed to ease up a bit,” Smith said. “But there was one guy in our group, Jack, who didn’t do anything. Paul started to obsess over Jack. He would delegate a task to Jack and when he didn’t complete it on time, Paul would first send emails, then call a million times, and finally one
night he showed up at Jack’s apartment banging on his door, asking where his part was. Obviously it wasn’t done, so Paul shoved Jack into his coat closet and forced him to finish the part and wouldn’t leave until it was done.” After this confrontation, the group was almost done with the project. They had rented out one of the cubicles at the UGL to put all the clips together and edit the final movie, when tensions mounted even further. “Jack wasn’t paying attention at all when we were editing our movie. He was just on his phone the whole time playing Candy Crush Saga, and Paul kept giving him death stares,” Smith remembered. “After asking Jack a few times to help out with the project, Paul started to visibly shake with rage. He snapped three pencils because he was clenching them so tight, and I started to get a little worried. I got up to go to the bathroom to back away from some of the tension, and once I left... that’s when it happened.” Security footage shows Townsend lunging across the table at Jack, wrapping his laptop charger around Jack’s neck. Townsend proceeded to repeatedly stab the victim multiple times in his neck with a mechanical pencil, and shove a stapler down his throat. The victim died after four minutes of Townsend beating his head in with a binder, where the rest of his group members sat frozen in horror at the sight. “YOU FUCKING INBRED, YOU SCUM OF THE EARTH, YOU HAVE DEGRADED MY MASTERPIECE,” screamed Townsend as he beat his group’s slacker. “YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS, AND ON THE GROUP MEMBER EVALUATION, YOU BETTER BELIEVE I AM GIVING YOU A ZERO.” Stay tuned for The Black Sheep’s upcoming review of the group’s film as well as details on Townsend’s upcoming murder trial.
GoBand Fitness Watch Now Delivers Shock-Motivation Kat Vandelay wrote this With winter rearing its ugly head, students at the University of Illinois have shown increased interest in physical activity. According to Campus Recreation, the number of daily iCard swipes at the ARC alone has increased by over 300% since the beginning of the year. Along with the increased attendance at campus fitness centers, apps like Zondr The Black Sheep app have reported a dramatic decrease in campus bar activity, especially on peak business days. The sudden attention to health and well-being at U of I has occurred during the peak sales of the exercise watch brand known as “GoBand.” Like many of its competitors such as the FitBit and Nike Fuelband, GoBand tracks every minuscule detail about consumers including sleep patterns, calories burned, and steps taken each day; however, in addition to these standard measurements, GoBand advertises its increased motivational techniques as what sets it apart from competitors.
While other watches simply remind the customer to be active throughout the day, GoBand takes a dynamic approach by utilizing shock therapy to ensure that consumers keep moving all day long. With a combination of timers and brain wave sensors, GoBand is able to determine your activity level and various thoughts throughout the day. Even so much as thinking about eating a potato chip sends a 12V shock throughout your body, motivating people to think healthier thoughts and haul ass all day, every day. “I’ve already lost 10 out of the 15 pounds I put on during my freshman year,” stated emotional eater and sophomore, Amanda Colligen. “The more sedentary you are, the more intense the shocks become. I do have a few electrical burns but at least I can squeeze into my old skinny jeans!” Unfortunately, while many see positive weight loss results from using the GoBand, others find the product to be distracting and invasive during other
tasks throughout the day. Sources say that many professors have banned the use of GoBands in their lectures after a string of disturbances this past week. According to complaints made various college deans, on multiple occasions over half the students would spontaneously jump up and begin doing suicide sprints or burpees right in the middle of lecture. The lectures in each instance were all 80 minutes or a three-hour lab. “I’ve never seen anything like it. The class was in a state of anarchy!” exclaimed Dr. Hugh Jenner, a guest speaker during an extended ECON 103 lecture. “I was startled when I heard students begin to scream when suddenly, a herd of them began rushing around Foellinger like it was a track field!”
Alma Mater, running stairs at Krannert, and working on agility training by weaving in and out of the bike lane. Some reports even claim that students were practicing sprints in and out of the Morrow Plots as university police drove by.
Observers on the Quad claim over 2,000 students poured out of Foellinger and Lincoln Hall around noon, a high-traffic hour on the Quad. Students were seen doing pull-ups on the arms of the
Students claim the combination of prolonged sitting along with sleep sensor activation during the day caused the GoBand to send a voltage of almost 40V into their bodies in the band’s first
day of activation. After news of these incidences became public, an ordinance was proposed by university officials to ban the use of GoBands on campus entirely, as they did with smoking at the beginning of this year. When asked for a comment on how the use of GoBands on campus affects anyone other than users, officials responded, “With the way things are at the University of Illinois, we’re honestly just trying to save face.”
Red Band Society Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on FOX
Mulaney Sundays at 9:30 p.m. on FOX
Selfie Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC
Know Your Album covers
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FYCARE and ACE-IT Moderators Implement Live Demonstrations Riggity wrote this
After the startling realization that college freshmen have still continued to drink excessively year after year, the university administration has decided to change the FYCARE and ACE-IT programs. Forced to sit through it when we were freshmen and volunteering to sit through it again since we love you all, The Black Sheep is now able to report to you the changes after observing the first few classes: FYCARE: Before the change, there was a part of the FYCARE program where the facilitator connected the thumb and pointer finger on one hand to make a circle and stuck out his pointer finger on the other hand to make a line, trying to demonstrate a vagina and penis to the class. He moved his hands closer and closer together asking the class, “Is this penetration? How about now?”
Some kids were confused by this action, not realizing what the facilitator’s hands represented, but the facilitator brushed them off, thinking they were either making a joke of the program or simply forgivable virgins. Therefore, in order to avoid further confusion, the FYCARE program has started paying students, one male and one female per class, to put on a live demonstration to show just exactly what penetration is. After only a week of this addition to the program, FYCARE has seen a large increase in attendance. “Normally kids just wait until the last possible moment to come to this program so they don’t get a hold on their student account,” a facilitator said. “Now we’re starting to get kids coming in multiple times a week and
upperclassmen who aren’t even required to take this class.” After the demonstration, students are even asking moderators if they can get a partner and show the class what they’ve learned. On a unrelated note, the amount o f p o r n o gra p h i c m ate r i a l “accidentally” downloaded via UIUCnet has heavily decreased ever since FYCARE’s implemented changes took place. University IT representatives say that campus WiFi speeds may reach up to 10x what they used to accomplish due to this phenomenon. ACE- IT: The administration has decided that, instead of showing videos with D-list actors or live performances with E-list theater majors, they will now demonstrate through live recreations of dangerous scenes. Participants in the new program will now go to
a party with disguised facilitators. Students must “make smart choices” and “learn their limits,” all while avoiding getting their drinks spiked by facilitators. “It’ll be like a fun obstacle course for students,” administrators said. “The university will fund this program for freshmen to get inebriated and let them see, in a controlled environment, what it’s like to get roofied. We’ll record the entire evening and when they wake up, we’ll show them the video of them being used as a human beer pong table so that next time they’ll know better.” However, unlike the changes m a d e t o F YC A R E , A C E IT ’s new implementations have already been met with lukewarm results.“We’ve had a few complaints,” an ACE-IT representative said after receiving
criticism from parents and students. “I guess you can’t run a successful alcohol education program without someone being a little bitch about it. ‘Oh, you can’t roofie students, it’s ethically disgusting and immorally wrong,’ blah blah blah.”
FYCARE and ACE-IT, both still required programs, are about to be reviewed by donors. The Black Sheep can safely report that it won’t be pretty for university administrators. Though, we suspect we’ll be down to “learn” more at FYCARE meetings for the rest of the semester.
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