Illinois Fall Issue 13 - 11/14/12 by The Black Sheep

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EE . th .. Lik an e ks all gi vin tho g se lef del to ic ver io s. us

The Booze News

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 21, Issue 13 11/14/12 - 11/28/12

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Bringing Back Black on Black Friday John McHoneyCombs wrote this

Black Friday. Black Friday! Readers, I’ve been commissioned to tell you a little bit about this makeshift holiday that has been stolen from my people and been turned into a commercial mockery by the mainstream market. Now from what you understand, Black Friday is just the day after Thanksgiving where you wait in line at Best Buy for five hours with people you hate. You then rush in and curb stomp some old lady over a toaster oven that’s marked down 30%. That’s all good clean fun, but that’s not what Black Friday is supposed to be all about. I will tell you this tale as it was told to me by a homeless black man named Lester. As the needle fell to the floor and the heroin began its journey through Lester’s veins the story started coming to him: “After the Civil Rights Movement of the 60s, Lyndon B. Johnson decreed that the Friday after Thanksgiving would be a day of white guilt. This would go hand in hand with the shame that a normal human being would feel after having eaten enough food to feel like Gluttony from Se7en just the day before. Instead of labeling this holiday “White Guilt” day, it was decided to be called Black Friday. On Black Friday, African Americans would go visit their white friends who would have to apologize for that one time they started a sentence with, “I’m not racist but…” or implying that they can’t be racist because they have a black friend. They would then hug it out and sit down to watch reruns of Sanford and Son and The Jeffersons. Obviously, this agreement did not sit well with many folks on both sides. White people exclaimed that they owed nothing to black people and black people wanted to watch even blacker shows like Shaft or Tyler Perry’s Dad Presents: Madea Goes Through Puberty. However, the most distraught over this holiday were the white folks who had no black friends. Without a black friend sitting next to them they didn’t know when it was appropriate to laugh during Sanford and Son and therefore felt excluded. Corporate powerhouses saw this as an opportunity to move in and began offering exclusive “Black Friday deals” to those people who were left without a brother from a darker mother with which to watch television. These ridiculous sales soon caught on

Blazin' Thanksgiving

Don't let your family keep your from gettin' your toke on.

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and more and more people, even those with black friends, began to come out when they found out that, “Holy shit, I can get four televisions for the price of a toaster?”

which people came together to settle differences but a holiday in which people came together in a dogpile to try and wrestle the last iPad out someone’s cold fingers."

Black people found themselves missing their apologetic white counterparts. We tried watching black television without them, but without having someone to explain to what a weave or a hooptie was, the experience was lacking. We soon found the appeal of standing out in the blistering cold all for the chance to punch some punk-ass kid in the face over a video game console too enticing. Black Friday was soon forgotten as a holiday in

As the last bit of consciousness slipped from wise old Lester it dawned on me that we need to go back to our roots and bring back the Black Friday we used to know…but I also really want to buy a new laptop for a quarter and a curtsy. This is where we must compromise and start making Black Friday as much about feeling somewhat responsible for slavery as it is about trampling over store employees.

what’s inside

From the Turkey's Mouth

How our feathered friend really feels about the big day

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continued on page 19

Leaked Star Wars: Ep. XII Screenplay

george lucas gives in to the dark side.

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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page 6: Thanksgiving Dinner with the Romneys Not much to be thankful this year, eh Mitt?

page 7: Facebook Goes Under the Knife (Again) And still no signs of a dislike button.

page 7: How To: Turkey Bowl

Make sure you're in top shape to shut up Uncle Mike this year.

page 8: What Your PostThanksgiving Shit Says About You

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It's like reading tea leaves except a bit smellier.

page 9: Marijuana Legalization AKA The Death of American Freedom

Table of

Is the government being just a bit too nice?

page 9: The Top 10: Worst Drunken Acts to Commit on Thanksgiving Avoid bringing your college antics home this holiday break.

page 16: Bartenders of the Week Two studs ready for some Sex on the Beach.

page 18: from the streets

What are you going to be thankful for this Thanksgiving?

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Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Eric Blokel distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mike Lieber Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes, Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster, Molly Forrest Ashley Perl, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner, Ryan Rudolf, Sam Caravette

Find Us At...

pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Miseck Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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! k e e W e h t f o c i P

Dear Mike, As a Puerto Rican exchange student, and in light of recent news about Puerto Rico possibly becoming a state, I want to get your opinion of why Puerto Rico should want American statehood. Sincerely, P.R. Pride Dear baseball player, I gave this question a lot of thought. Sometimes as we go through the doldrums of our daily lives, we forget just how lucky we are to live in the greatest country in North America. There are literally dozens of reasons why you should want statehood, but the only ones that matter are the small things. For one, you will then have a black president. You have to admit that’s pretty cool. Second, if you ever get attacked by Cuba, you can be sure that the rest of America will have your back to bomb the shit out of Jamaica. Third, when you look at an isolated map of America, it would now look like Florida jizzed out Puerto Rico. Fourth, you get to pick all of your cool state stuff! If you guys are taking suggestions, your state bird should be Pidgeotto, your state tree should be the Pussy Willow, and your state motto should be, “We just pissed off a lot of racist Texans, and that’s cool.” Fifth, you get to completely and unequivocally dominate the MLB. Sixth, you get to vote in national elections! That is just something that... yeah, that really isn’t that cool. Seventh, you could build a homemade boat out of a truck-bed and a ceiling fan and sail to Florida, and the feds can’t do jack shit. Last but not least, nobody can ever say that English is the standard language in all fifty states. iViva Puerto Rico! Welcome home fellas, Mike

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Fecal Seems Jest last week’s answers

Kristen Bell & Jared Leto

word of the week Lamerick:

A popular quote or turn of phrase that transcends annoying, to become repugnant.

“There once was a woman named Coco/Who always would shout out, “YOLO!”/Then one day/All her friends went away/Because holy shit, that lamerick is crazy annoying.”

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

Blazin’ Thanksgiving Blazed and Confused wrote this Most of you are familiar with the classic Thanksgiving tale. The Indians helped the awkward Europeans get their shit together, and in exchange for their kindness the Europeans removed their heads… wait that’s not right. Regardless, there is an important detail that was left out of this traditional story: Before the celebratory feast, the Indians sat the Europeans down, took out a long, hand-crafted peace-pipe, and taught them how to blaze. With the pot legalization trend sweeping the nation, pretty soon it will be customary for the whole family to get high before the big meal. However, this year the fine people of Illinois will need to find discreet ways of lighting up. Here’s a few tips: For those helping to cook the meal who don’t have time to roll one up, why not put a little extra love in it? Although the idea of having every course spruced up with a touch of THC sounds orgasmic, you need to keep it under the radar. The best way to do this is bud butter, which is exactly what it sounds like. Potatoes tasting bland? Why not spice them up with a little herb? Green beans looking a little undercooked? A touch of bud butter can make ‘em a little greener. Grandma worried about your romantic future? Introduce her to your friend Mary Jane and change her rude remarks to philosophical pleasure. The next way to get high without your family members trying to kill your buzz is to volunteer for unwanted chores, the ones your parents couldn’t get you to do last year, even if they begged. Cleaning dishes may be a disgusting task but the chore will give you just enough time to stick your head out the window and light one up. Taking the garbage out every hour will not only keep your buzz on but will also give you access to copious amounts of leftovers, if you’re in to that whole dumpster diving thing. And you will be after all that toking. A dog is a man’s best friend, especially on Thanksgiving. Excuses to leave family parties are few and far between, but walking the dog is a valid one. If they don’t let you go for the tenth time in a half hour, pull the animal cruelty card and start playing Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” and watch how quickly they give in and start donating money to the ASPCA. You will be granted permission to get high with your pup in the beautiful outdoors. If anyone questions the smell, blame the dog and skunk season. There are always forgotten things on holidays: the stuffing, cookies, children, etc. If you or your family are always unprepared and you're looking for unpredictable smoke seshs, be the errand guy.

BOOK YOUR PARTY AT JOE’S!

Someone didn’t buy enough cans of cranberries or bags of bread crumbs for the stuffing? You’re on it! Grab your car keys and dash out the door to the store before anyone can tell you not to worry about it. You can take your time smoking because excuses are plenty. There was a long line, there was terrible traffic, and you were held up at gun point for the last item on the shelf are all acceptable reasons. Eating all of that food will give you a million reasons to go to the bathroom. Inside most bathrooms are windows, fans, towels, and air fresheners. Lay a towel in front of the door, crack a window, and light up. After you have finished, spray a suffocating amount of air freshener and turn the fan on. If anyone asks about the overbearing scent, tell them it smells a lot better than the massive shit you just took in there. The bathroom also provides an escape tactic; if you have no way of getting out without being seen, you can flush the paraphernalia down the toilet. If Thanksgiving brings out the rebel in you, then by all means feel free to bring out the blunts, bowls, and bongs. For the remaining majority, be thankful for splifs and one-hitters. Remember this holiday is for what you are thankful for, so when asked make sure to say, “My drug dealer, my piece, and my rolling papers.”

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Thanksgiving Dinner with the Romneys

theblacksheeponline.com

Kitty Kat wrote this A massive yet quaint Massachusetts residence sits atop a hill at the end of a long, curving driveway. The trees in the yard are nearly bare, their red and gold leaves scattered across the ground. On the steps leading up to the front door are porcelain Thanksgiving decorations and huge wax pumpkins intertwined with small, yellow, twinkling lights. Once inside the home, the warm air and delicious scent make this house a home. The high ceilings, spiral staircase, and lush leather furniture are next to meet the eye. The home is lavishly decorated with all things Thanksgiving, from couch throw pillows to every possible turkey figurine imaginable positioned perfectly across the mantelpiece.

Once they’re both seated at the table with plates and portions big enough to suffice a lower-middle class family for weeks, Mitt grumbles in between bites, “I’m glad you made the Jell-O like I asked.” Ann smiles weakly, “Of course, dear. I’m glad you enjoy it.” “Two hundred and six.” “What?” “Two hundred and fucking six votes.” Mitt slams his first down again. “What’s the point of the damn electoral college if I don’t win? Oh my Joseph Smith, Jesus Christ, if I am not president, what in the Book of Mormon am I supposed to be?”

Mitt stops. “What? What was that?”

“Mitt, honey, we still have a nice life. Everything will work itself out. Please, just enjoy the meal,” Ann begs.

Ann sits up straight and strengthens her voice. “Obama. I, I voted for him too.”

“Soon, honey,” she stutters. “I’m just about to set the table. Things would have gotten done quicker if I had a bit of help, you know. I wanted our parents to be here today, but you—”

“I’ll tell you whose fault it is,” Mitt snarls, pointing his fork at his wife in anger. “It was those damn homos, I tell you. Those homos and those slut girls who can’t give up their discounted birth control.”

“You know I don’t like having that bitch around,” Romney snarls, referring to Ann’s mother. Ann’s heart drops as Mitt slowly makes his way over the table. He sits and slams his wrinkly, withered fist down in anger. “Dammit Ann, those potatoes better not be getting cold.”

“Oh my, can we please have one night where we don’t talk about the homos?!” Ann begs, annoyed.

Mitt’s eyes grow wide, and he swipes at his plate, sending it crashing to the floor. He moves toward the dishes in the kitchen, and Ann watches in fear as her husband snaps. He buries his face into the cool lime Jell-O and devours it whole. Wiping his face, he stands up. “How dare you, Ann? After everything we’ve done! This strong Mormon home I’ve built for you, with my own bare hands, and the money! Dammit Ann, I know you love the money. How many facelifts has it been now? Looks like twenty bad ones to me,” Mitt thunders.

In the kitchen stands Ann Romney, working as hard as she has ever had to. She slowly stirs a pot on the stove filled with her mother’s top-flight gravy. Ann hears footsteps moving down the sturdy stairs, through the hallway, and into the kitchen. She tenses in fear as her husband Mitt clears his throat and begins to speak. “What time will everything be ready?”

Ann quickly lays out the dishes along the island in their kitchen: a golden turkey, pineapple stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole, buttered biscuits, a lime Jell-O mold (Mitt’s favorite), and cranberry sauce. Quite a meal for only two people, but hey, it’s not like they don’t have the money. She brings napkins, silverware, and fine China plates to the table. “Here,” she says quietly. “It’s all ready.” Ann waits in fear as Mitt fixes himself a plate. She watches as he cuts a piece of the turkey, dips it into the gravy, and puts it past his lips. When he swallows without complaining, Ann lets out a sigh of relief and goes to fix herself a plate too.

“This is a country full of adultery, Ann. Although sometimes I feel like I’m the only one getting fucked around here.” Mitt’s voice rises in anger; he rocks back and forth in his chair, slamming the prongs of his fork into each bit of food. “Please, Mitt,” Ann nods. “The Chinaware.” “And now, weed legalized in Colorado! Cannabis, Ann, can you believe it? This country is going off the deep end sooner than I expected!” Mitt roars with rage. “Well, I voted for him too,” Ann whispers quietly.

“Well, to be frank, he has a nicer body, Michelle is a sweetheart, and Paul Ryan is the biggest slimeball I’ve ever seen,” Ann states firmly, looking her husband dead in the eye. Mitt chokes up in hatred, “You traitor.” He grabs a knife off the counter, falls to the ground in agony, and ends his life on the kitchen floor. Ann looks away from him, picks up her fork, and continues to eat her meal. “He’s always been such a drama queen.”

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

Facebook Goes Under the Knife (Again) Sammie Sea wrote this Just like a middle-aged gold digger, Facebook may be getting another facelift. Rumors have been circulating that designers are considering changing Timeline yet again, as if it wasn’t confusing and invasive enough. It seems like every few months Facebook feels the need to revamp their image to stay relevant, usually by raising Internet havoc with their design modifications. And with each update, it becomes a little bit easier for that strange guy who stares at you during lecture to learn about every aspect of your personal life … or for you to stalk your ex (don’t act like you’ve never done it, ya creep).

distract from that situation, sweetie.

However, with as many changes as Facebook has had, we are still left wanting just a little bit more, a few things that Zuckerberg never seems to want to add on. Here are the changes we would like to see added to Facebook:

Relationship Status Monitor: This change would cover a few bases. One, it wouldn’t allow the posting of any statuses referencing how great one’s boyfriend or girlfriend is. Frankly, the rest of us are single, and we couldn’t care less. Second, if someone has had three or more different relationships within a month’s time, their relationship status will automatically be updated to “skank” or “manwhore,” whichever fits. Lastly, the monitor will keep track of how long you have listed yourself as “single” and after six consecutive months of not getting any, Facebook will send you a complementary handle of vodka, you sure as hell need it.

Facebooking-While-Intoxicated Filter: Drunkenly posting anything on Facebook after a night out is a major issue in the life of a college student. This filter would delay every post you tried to make until the next morning. If you still feel like telling your crush your wildest fantasies about them then, by all means, approve the post and watch how well that works out for you. If not, you can delete it without any awkward repercussions. “Undo-Photoshop” Button: Let’s be honest, no one posts a picture of him or herself that is unflattering. It’s what makes the use of Facebook so narcissistic. However, it’s safe to say that some people, *cough* all girls, *cough* go a little overboard when it comes to enhancing their profile pictures. It’s like dim lighting in a bar: deceiving. An “Undo-Photoshop” button would allow users to get an accurate representation of how someone actually looks without any touch-ups or Instagram filters. See how many photo likes you get now when you look like the kraken. No amount of cleavage can

Spam Folder for Dumb Requests/Invites: It’s a little ridiculous to have to keep declining the same friend requests and game invitations day after day. The spam folder would take care of all of that for you. No more having to deal with pointless Farmville and Mafia Wars requests; they’ll just automatically get deleted along with the “friend” who keeps sending them to you. Never going to attend that frat douche’s DJ night? Spam folder will filter those right out, too. Facebook is instantly more efficient and less of an annoyance.

Pseudo-Profile: We all make bad decisions. We all also have questionable friends who decide to take pictures of said poor decisions. You don’t remember taking that eighth shot and performing a strip-tease on one of the poles at Joe’s? That’s okay, the memory is all over the album titled, “U of I Round 3 Bitches!<3.” The problem is, employers are becoming more social network-savvy as they hunt for potential employees, and that shot of you ripping your first bong probably isn’t going to land you an interview. A pseudoprofile would replace any of your inappropriate pictures or posts with pictures of you doing charity work, participating in a club, or doing anything else you lied about in your résumé.

How To: Turkey Bowl Scott Gantner wrote this

A Motherfucking Dislike Button: Holy hell, Facebook. How hard is it to add the one obvious change that EVERYONE has been asking for since your “like” button? It’s not a hard concept considering the two go hand-in-hand. News flash Zuckerberg, the world isn’t all unicorns and rainbows. People actually do dislike things, and we’d like to be given the option to publicly display that opinion since everyone bitches about all of their other religious, political, emotional opinions anyway. Maybe Facebook making frequent changes is a good thing. Think about MySpace; that site never got updated, and now it is seen as the Internet’s most embarrassing creation. But if Facebook keeps failing to give us the features that would actually be most useful, a worldwide movement back to MySpace may be in order.

Many of us partake in the time-honored tradition of playing football on Thanksgiving. It’s as American as apple pie topped with bacon bits. For a good number of us, this gathering of friends and family for a low-stakes game always seems to end up as an embarrassingly passive-aggressive affair. It combines all the forced interactions of a family gathering with the cut-throat competitiveness of playing Monopoly with your sworn enemy, or for that matter, playing Monopoly with anyone. Good news: It doesn’t have to be this way! Here are a few simple steps you can take to get the most out of your Turkey Bowl. Cardio: You hate to hear it, but you should work out more. Let’s face it, you’re not in the same shape you were in high school and that pack a day habit is only helping Mr. Philip Morris. The best way to you give yourself the upper hand against Billy Anderson’s bumpand-run coverage is to have the lung power to run the length of the field more than once. Cleats: That’s right, you’re gonna be that guy. In late November, the grass is muddy and slippery. Wearing cleats to a pickup game might earn you a few funny looks, but it will also give you the ability to change directions. Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be Matt Forte? You can find out by reversing the field and watching defenders stumble as their old gym shoes fail to grip the earth, making them look like a bunch of topheavy mouth-breathers. Guard the Slowpoke: Oh look, Uncle Jerry is still limping from his knee surgery. You’re gonna want to start trash talking him about forty-five minutes before the first snap. Really lay into him. Bring up childhood sporting failures, receding hairlines, impotence, anything and everything. Eventually, he’ll fire back with some comment about how he used to earn medals for getting rid of kids your age in Korea. First of all, he’ll be

way out of line, and you’ll get the crowd on your side, but that’s not the point. Now that he’s taken a shot at you, it won’t seem strange when you demand to guard him. You just earned a day free of playing defense. At this point, ease up on the trash talk. That Korea rant sounded a little too real to be made up on the spot. Hitch and Go: Alright, you spent the first half running a bunch of curl routes (this will be important later) and playing nice. Everyone has finally stopped laughing after the ball hit Kevin in the nuts. The moms have grown bored and left to start peeling sweet potatoes. Now it’s game time. The goal now is to show some real football skills. Everyone will be chomping at the bit to make a big play, and you’re gonna use this to your advantage. Tell your QB the plan in the huddle and follow these steps closely. At the snap of the pigskin, run eight yards right at your overanxious defender and stop. Turn back and look for the pass. The QB will pump fake right at you. As soon as he does, the restless cornerback will jump out in front of you. You immediately turn upfield and sprint toward the end zone as your co-conspirator at quarterback lofts an easy pass into your arms. You just scored a backbreaking fifty-yard touchdown and took the lead. Now is the perfect time to do a sexually suggestive dance. Get Drunk: If all else fails, and it’s pretty clear that you’re the worst athlete on the field, crack open the cooler and don’t look back. It turns out that your handeye coordination is less than spectacular. You might as well get blasted and see if it improves. At the very least, no one will blame you for dropping an interception if you’re struggling to walk. Some may say the game is not about who wins, it’s all about having fun. Well, those people are pussies, and this Thanksgiving they’re getting an ass-kicking.

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theblacksheeponline.com

What your post-Thanksgiving shit says about you Kev Insanes wrote this Thanksgiving is supposed to be a happy day full of great food, family time, and lots of drinks. It’s the one time in the year where, as family, we all come together to enjoy a meal. But as we all know, at some point human nature must do its job, and us humans - yes girls too - must be a part of that doing. The post-Thanksgiving shit is the most interesting of the holiday shits. They say you are what you eat, but really what they mean is, you are what you shit. So, poo are you? Sausage Links: This is a pretty normal poop. However, there are several varieties. If you’re pushing hard enough, plenty of these little guys will come out. On the other hand, if you’re letting it glide out like kid on a metal slide, there’s a good chance it won’t break into too many pieces. The only problem with these types of poop is, because of their perfect size and density, the plop will always cause a splash back at your ass. That’s the worst. A nice, lovely Thanksgiving dinner could be ruined simply because now, not only do you have to wipe your ass, but your cheeks as well. Runny: You must have had an issue with the food on the table, because your poop is anything but poop. By the time your stomach starts gurgling and giving you the most discouraging pain ever, you’ll run to the bathroom and slam your ass on that seat. As you’re letting your body shoot demons out of your ass, you’ll have your head cocked as like it’s some orgasmic experience. What you’ll find in that toilet is something like watered down Campbell’s Chunky Soup floating on the surface of the water. If you’re having digestive problems such as this, you must have some serious lactate problems and you accidentally had some whipped cream on that yummy pumpkin pie. Huge Load: The turducken is to Thanksgiving as the shooprrhea (shit, poop, diarrhea) is to Thanksgiving’s aftermath. You ate like a king, and you shit like a king. You may not have a mighty golden throne, but you do have a smaller porcelain one. You are a champion in the bathroom. You know what they say, the bigger the poop the bigger the…smear. Smear is the worst. We have all experienced it, and to have it on Thanksgiving would be horrible. Smear is the shit on your ass that just seems to never go away. It doesn’t matter if you’re using Charmin Ultra or computer paper, it still somehow happens. Giant Fart: What a pussy. Serves you right for only eating salad and the marshmallows on top of the sweet potatoes. You sit down on the toilet feeling like you are about to take a massive dump, but you only unleash an ear-splittingly loud fart as you deflate like a balloon. Congratulations, now everybody at the party knows that you didn’t eat anything, and all of your little nephews are horrified of the monster inside of the bathroom.

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Never-Ending Poop: Get comfortable, you’ll sit down on your porcelain throne after this year’s Thanksgiving meal and you’ll never leave. Scientists and theologians have searched for answers as to why these never-ending shits occur. Some believe that it is due to fiber intake, and others believe that it is some kind of cosmic or divine punishment for some poop crime a person has committed in a past life. Either way, if you are one of the unlucky people to experience this horror on Thanksgiving, just knock on the door and shout out for more turkey, because you’ll be there for a while. Have fun this Thanksgiving, but be safe. Be smart about your surroundings. Is there enough toilet paper? Did you do your plunger check? How about that courtesy flush? We may sound like a nagging parent, but we don’t want you to be up shit creek without a paddle. Just know it’s gonna get shitty. It’s inevitable and unstoppable. As long as you embrace it, maybe snap chat your friends while doing the deed, it’ll be alright.

The Top 10

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

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Worst Drunken Acts to Commit on Thanksgiving Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and now that you’re that big-shot college student, you are going to want to throw back a few at the family party. However, your family will frown upon your shitfaced-ness. This is a guide to avoid becoming “that” cousin. You know, the one your family all whispers about. 10.) Throw Up: This one is simple. If you have to throw up, make sure no one sees or hears you. Otherwise your uncle will have to tell your five-year-old cousin that the sound coming from the bathroom is the sound of someone who has made bad life choices. Hope for food poisoning; if everyone is sick then you have a viable excuse. 9.) Frequently Curse: You’ve learned how to use the word “fuck” in new, eloquent ways since you left for college. Ditch your standard vulgarity and attempt to carry conversations by actually being witty instead of vulgar.

Marijuana Legalization

AKA THE DEATH OF AMERICAN FREEDOM a pot dealer wrote this On Tuesday November 6, 2012, America made a decision which marked an official beginning to the death of our freedoms in this country. Yes, when I heard that Washington and Colorado had legalized cannabis cigarettes for recreational use, it made me sick to my stomach. Now, I know some of you hip, liberal kids love to toke up on pots. In fact, I’m sure that there is somebody right now who is reading this and is looking for some pot to buy. You know, that idea is just so outrageous and dangerous that I want you to email me if you are one of those people. Seriously, just send an email to pinkfloyd420@gmail.com saying that you are some stupid kid in the Champaign area who wants to buy pot, and I will give you a piece of my mind.

documents, nasty army rations, and bad antismoking PSAs. The same thing goes for pot, folks. If you are, again, one of those people who were so inclined to smoke a little pot every now and then, do you really think that the government’s weed is going to be better than that of a trained professional? Why, I heard from somebody at the student union that there was a drug dealer on campus who had supplies of Blue Dream, Killa Crip Kush, Sensai Star, Sour Diesel, Skywalker OG Kush, and a fat nug of Grand Daddy Purple. If pot was legal in Illinois, then that would mean that students couldn’t get all of that quality marijuana just by heading on over to, I don’t know, some dude in Carr 3, room 312 at PAR or something.

The issue I have with marijuana legalization is that it represents just another example of the government trying to stick its nose up in everybody’s business. Now, even though I think weed is a bad thing that nobody should ever do or sell, I think it should be their freedom as an American to smoke it if they want. But now if they want to do that they have to deal with all of this government regulation. You see, back in the good old days if a person wanted to toke up on a “doobie,” it was completely up to them how they wanted to obtain it. For instance, they would just walk on over PAR, head up to Carr 3, knock on room 312, and then just like that they could buy some pot. But no, now if a free American wanted to buy marijuana, they have to take time out of their day to go to a government marijuana store, stand in line like at the DMV, and then swim through miles of red tape before they could buy overpriced, taxed weed. I, for one, do not enjoy the big hand of the government reaching into my pockets. No thank you.

Now, you may be asking, “Well, what can I do to stop the government from bullying me around by legalizing cannabis?” The answer is simple: Start buying more marijuana from independent sources. It’s simple supply and demand. If we start showing the government that we support independent sellers, then they will know that they do not stand a chance of selling weed themselves. It’s all about sticking together to stop a tyrant. Right now the government thinks it can just walk into our town and start selling weed to kids and taking business away from good, hardworking Americans. They can guess again, Daddy-O.

When has the government ever made anything better? Free civilians have written amazing books, invented Snickers ice cream bars, and produced some pretty kick-ass TV shows. What has the government done? Boring old

It was the great Carl Sagan who said, “We have also arranged things so that almost no one understands science and technology. This is a prescription for disaster. We might get away with it for a while, but sooner or later this combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces.” Think about that. Ignorance and power. The government is powerful, and it is ignorant of our power. That, my friends, is a prescription for disaster. Say “no” to government control over marijuana.

8.) Sneak the High Schoolers Booze: Remember that awkward time when you were too young to drink but too old to watch cartoons in the basement with your socially inept cousins? Don’t push your luck; embrace the awkwardness. Let your drug dealing, college-dropout cousin that everyone already thinks is a failure get caught giving the teenagers some beer. 7.) Hit on Your Cousin’s Friend: It doesn’t matter how hot your cousin’s friends are. If it weren’t for a birthday two weeks ago, Chris Hansen would be walking out of the kitchen To Catch a Predator style. Just remember, she was likely born after Pokémon came out, and that’s terrifying. 6.) Talk to Your Grandpa Alone: Remember how you’re German-American, yet you have no traditions from the home country? There’s a reason for that, and your grandpa will be sure to show you a picture of him in a Nazi uniform that frankly, you can’t unsee. 5.) Drink Like it’s Kam’s: Mommy dearest isnt going to be as impressed in your ability to take ten tequila shots in an hour as your fraternity brothers are. 4.) Accept Booze from Your “Uncle”: Everyone’s family has that weird single guy who is friends with someone in the family but not actually related. You shouldn’t accept the “special” drink he got for you, seeing as how he’s already touched your thigh a little too high on the leg, and stared at the slogan on your t-shirt a little too long. 3.) Ride Your Family Dog: It doesn’t matter how big your family’s greyhound is, it can’t support your weight, especially with the added freshman fifteen. You'll snap that poor thing’s legs the moment you put your beer belly on its back.

2.) Hit on Your Aunt: Your dad’s brother totally remarried a super hot MILF, and she wears inappropriate clothing to all your family parties. That thing you think is flirting is her attempt to get to know her new family better. Just be sure she doesn’t see you looking down her shirt at those surgically-enhanced sweater kittens. 1.) Defile the Turkey: Everyone thought American Pie was funny when Jason Biggs got his Johnson stuck in that pie. Your family won’t find it as amusing when you get your member stuck in the main course for the night. Dear old grandma might say she distinctly remembers the odd flavoring this turkey has, but can’t quite put her finger on it…

Ryan Rudolf wrote this

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From the Turkey’s Mouth Becky Jacobs wrote this Pilgrims and Native Americans get all the glory on Thanksgiving. And that is some bullshit. There’s obviously a point of view missing on Thanksgiving: the turkey’s. And without him, Thanksgiving dinner would be nowhere near as exciting. Luckily, after a trip to Turkey Victims Anonymous, The Black Sheep crew found a nervous, disturbed man to share the heart-wrenching tale of a turkey on Thanksgiving Day. Loosen those belts and grab a piece of free coffee cake in the back of the room because tears will be flowing. The following is what he had to say: My name is Sid, and I was traumatized by a turkey. On Thanksgiving of 2006, I peeked inside a turkey because I wanted to see if I had removed its heart. However, when I got all up in the turkey’s business it clamped onto my head. The turkey came alive and wouldn’t release itself. It was like The Mask with Jim Carrey, only a little more buttery. Quickly, I began thinking like the turkey, which led to a series of epiphanies. Through the eyes of a headless, skinned turkey, Thanksgiving Day football looks much different. There isn’t anything macho about men in protective padding tossing a leather ball around. There’s not even anything tantalizing about the cheerleaders in barely any clothing in below-freezing temperatures. No, those players are chickens running around with their heads cut off. They crash into one another, not being able to see where their slowly-dying bodies are running. The slutty cheerleaders and Cheeseheads in the stands? They’re the meat eaters cheering at the soon-to-be lifeless animals, sitting in bliss that they’ll be eating soon. It’s a dark, dark sport. Some aren’t at the Thanksgiving gathering to watch football, though. Those are the ones who plan to get plastered because they have to hear how many pregnancy tests their screw-up sister took that year. Those are the people who come dressed classy and get trashy. Sequined tops reflect the layers of makeup your great aunt added to her obviously lifted face. Your uncle has even stepped it up and wore his tuxedo t-shirt for the occasion. But a poor, little, ole turkey has nothing to dress up in. In fact, it feels like there’s a draft in the room. Maybe that’s because the feathers are gone, and all that’s left is bare skin. And what are those little white things around his legs? A bad attempt at fashionable leg warmers? Luckily, that turkey is headed to the sauna tonight. He’d heard about it from other turkeys before, and now it’s his turn to feel some warmth. Whether the family members are fixated on clothes or football, there’s still the close bond a family brings. Gathered together once a year to consume copious amounts of food, a family is bound by something that cannot be broken. No, it’s not blood. It’s embarrassing photos that can easily

be used to blackmail one another. But where’s the turkey’s family? Last time the turkey saw them, they were sitting along the shelves in the supermarket. They were all together, basking in the fluorescent lights. However, it was quite puzzling how when one went for a ride in one of those wheeled metal contraptions, they never returned… Still, the food is the best part. That’s what Thanksgiving is all about: celebrating obesity in America. However, for a turkey, the meal tastes different. There’s more of a buttery and herb-y taste to it. There’s no pie or gravy, but the stuffing is pretty incredible. It’s like the turkey gets first dibs on the stuffing, or something. I’m not too sure if it counts as getting first dibs if all of the food is shoved up your asshole. But alas, dinner time arrives. As the turkey sits there marinating in delicious juice, the family stands around and begins picking at the defenseless bird. In this shameful way, the turkey begins the long progression of being an appetizer, then dinner, then dinner again, then sandwiches, and finally soup. It is a road many turkeys take, and many more will take again.

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FRIDAY & SATURDAYS IN NOVEMBER: $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

WEDNESDAY 11/14

WEDNESDAY 11/14 ARAABMUZIK with DJ SOLO and JAY MOSES

Saturday 11/17: CLUB CLYBOURNE GLOWSTICKS - BLACKLIGHTS

SATURDAY 11/17: DJ Belly at 10pm w/ DJ Real Juicy, MC Harsh, EpiliepC, The Interns and Disco Phil

$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

ARAABMUZIK with DJ SOLO and JAY MOSES

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles, $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURSDAY 11/15

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

Sour Punch presents LIVE WIRE with Stratus, LoBounce, KRNFX and a DJ Battle

BOMBS AWAY! $1 BOMBS (Vegas, Cherry, O-Bombs) $2 U CALL IT $3 EVERYTHING ELSE!

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm

FRIDAY 11/16

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

DROPKICK MURPHYS Sold Out!

Happy Hour Food Special 5pm-9pm: $3 PIZZAS!! $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jameson

Dan Hubbard w/ Black Coffee Fridays and The Curses Show starts at 8:30 pm!

SATURDAY 11/17

Open at 11am! $1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

FLORIDA-GEORGIA LINE Sold Out!

CLUB CLYBOURNE GLOWSTICKS - BLACKLIGHTS

DJ Belly at 10pm w/ DJ Real Juicy, MC Harsh, EpiliepC, The Interns and Disco Phil

BIG GIGANTIC with ANA SIA

Book your next party or event at The Clybourne! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

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Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

SUNDAY 11/25

Closed

MONDAY 11/26

MASON JAR MONDAY! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts $3 Double Wells $3 Double Jack and Double Soco

Closed

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Pinnacle Vodka

TUESDAY 11/27

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

OPEN DECKS $1 Drink Specials

WINE NIGHT! NO COVER! $8 Bottles of Woodbridge Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Tullamore Dew Whiskey $2 Svedka Vodka, $2 312 Bottles

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm

WEDNESDAY 11/28

$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles, $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

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Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

Thursday 11/15 TURKEY TESTICLE FESTIVAL! You Keep the Wigwam Cup! Deep Fried Turkey Testicles Eating Contest at 11pm - Winner Gets a Trip to Miami! $2.50 Bud Light Drafts, $2.50 UV Vodka, $3 JACK DANIELS

WED. 11/14

WIGWAM WEEK Double Mug Night! Your only chance to get either our 25oz or 34oz Mug! $2.50 Bud Light 25oz Refills $4.00 Bud Light 34oz Refills $1 SHOTS

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Open Mic Wednesdays, $2 Coors Light Special Night and Miller Light Draft Come Play! Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from Apps 6-8 every day. 1/2 Off (After 5pm) Free pool during happy hour!!! $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

Saturday 11/17! WWHP Presents: Paul Thorn Doors at 7pm

FRI: Happy Hour Under the Heat Lamps! $2 Kentucky Apple Shots $3 Jim Beam $3 Pinnacle Drinks

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Book Your November/ December Parties Now! Check out JoesBrewery.com or call 217-384-1790 for more info!

$3 Strong Islands

THURSDAY 11/15

TURKEY TESTICLE FESTIVAL! You Keep the Wigwam Cup! Deep Fried Turkey Testicles Eating Contest at 11pm - Winner Gets a Trip to Miami! $2.50 Bud Light Drafts, $2.50 UV Vodka, $3 JACK DANIELS

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Industry Night w/ DJ Luniks Doors Open at 9pm

Beer, a Bomb and a Burger $2 Bud Lights $2 Jager Bombs

FRIDAY 11/16

$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan & Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Sweet Revenge Shots

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID

Happy Hour Under the Heat Lamps! $2 Kentucky Apple Shots $3 Jim Beam $3 Pinnacle Drinks

SATURDAY 11/17

GAMEDAY! ILLINI vs. PURDUE 2:30PM Special Saturday Mug Night! You Keep the 34oz Glass Mug! $5 34oz Bud Light Refills

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the NCAA and NBA Action at Guido's!

WWHP Presents: Paul Thorn Doors at 7pm

Come Watch IL/Purdue before taking off!

SUNDAY 11/25

Welcome Back! Sunday Night Football $2 ANYTHING! Every Liquor... Every Domestic Beer $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings!

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

The Original Sunday Funday with 25% Off Appetizers and $3 22oz Bud Lights

MONDAY 11/26

Monday Night Football: HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm10pm | $15 Bud Light Hydrants, $2 Long Islands, $3 Import/Crafts

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

Check out our Burger of the Week! Monday Night Joes $2 Sailor Jerry

TUESDAY 11/27

TIME WARP TUESDAY HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $2 Wells, $2 Bud Light Drafts

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

1/2 Price Burgers and $2 Blue Moons Tequila Tuesday & the 8th Grade Dance

WED. 11/28

Firehaus Bud Mug Night! $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey, $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum, $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Book Your November/ December Parties Now! Check out JoesBrewery.com or call 217-384-1790 for more info!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

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Tuesday, 11/27: Country Night Ashley Buchart Band, Live! $1.50 Lite Drafts, $2.00 Lonestar Beer, $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

Homemade Chili and Seasonal Fall Soups Now Available!

Saturday, 11/17 DOLLAR PARTY $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnett's Whipped Vodka

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bud Girls Every Wednesday Night $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks/ $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries! Logo Glass Night w/ $4 Pints and $2 Refills Upcoming Logos: Nov 7 Hamm's Premium, Nov 14: Coors Light NFL

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED. 11/14

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Klub Kam’s! All High Energy featuring DJ Sevlo $3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks, $2 Big Long Islands, $1.50 16oz Hamm’s $2 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2.00 Jager Bombs

$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles

SHACKER NIGHT Special Guest DJ! $5 24oz Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2.50 Fireball Whiskey Shots

THURS. 11/15

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jager Bombs

FRI. 11/16

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Football Pre Game Party! ILL BBall at Hawaii - Watch it Here! $2 16oz Lite & Coors Lt Bottle Cans, $4 American Harvest Vodka Blue Guys DJ DASH spins the Nite

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Q Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $5 Skyy, Wild Turkey, Beam Dbls $2.25 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Coor’s Light, Miller Lite, Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

ILL vs Purdue at 2:30PM $2.50 Bud Lt. Cans Bud Girls & Giveaways Free Shuttle to Game $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks

$2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. & Rum Chata Shots, $5 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles, $2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints, $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints, $7.50 Leine, Killians, Mich. Amber, & Shock Top Pitchers

DOLLAR PARTY $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnett's Whipped Vodka

SAT. 11/17

$2.50 Coronas $3 Any Draft

Trivia Night! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

Book your next party or event at Red Lion Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUN. 11/25

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Nite Turn – A –Bout Guys Bartend – Girls Bounce BIG ASS DRINKS $2 32oz Drafts & Double Soco Drinks $4 Double Jack & Blue Guys Southern Comfort Girls

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

Karaoke Night! $5.50 Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries $4.00 Long Islands

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

MON. 11/26

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Night Ashley Buchart Band, Live! $1.50 Lite Drafts, $2.00 Lonestar Beer, $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles, $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge

TUES. 11/27

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bud Girls Every Wednesday Night $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks/ $3.00 Bombs ILL vs. G. Tech at 8PM!

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries! Logo Glass Night w/ $4 Pints and $2 Refills Upcoming Logos: Nov 7 Hamm's Premium, Nov 14: Coors Light NFL

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED. 11/28

$2 Domestics Bottles Welcome Back! $2 Wells IL Basketball at 3PM! Funday Sunday- Industry Night! $5 Personal Pizzas $2.00 Anything in the House with 2 Toppings U get It All Here! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my

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bartenders of the week Relationship status: Single

Bartender nickname: Cory

Favorite drink: Mojitos!

Relationship status: On-call slam piece.

Major: Advertising

Major: Jewelry model

Dream job: Professional street pharmacist

Biggest turn-on: Big. Huge. Titties.

Porn star name: Dicki Normous

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Sexual fantasy: A room full of pepperoni nipples.

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jordan d. the red lion

Biggest turn-on: Face dimples and back dimples

Creepiest thing a girl has ever said to you: “You think I look pretty now? Wait till I’m in my wedding dress…“

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Celebrity you want to film a porno with: Scarlett Johansson

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the drinking game

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Weirdest place you’ve ever had sex: Behind Applebee’s The celebrity you want to beat up: Justin Timberlake

Recipe for Disaster

Blackout Friday

Meaty Fumble

Doesn’t going to the insanely crowded mall at 5 a.m. on Black Friday with every psychotic soccer mom in town sound like a hell of a good time? No, actually, it doesn’t. Going on a booze run, hitting up the mall around noon, and taking a swig every time some shopper does something nuts is so much better.

What’s better than some hot, cheesy, meaty dip to complement your favorite beer while watching your favorite football team? Nothing. Well, maybe a quickie during a commercial break, but that’s about it. Instead of letting all that meat and cheese go bad in your fridge and stink up your apartment, make a dip that will over-satisfy your produce and dairy cravings.

What You’ll Need: Beer or hard alcohol and something to conceal it in (unless you don’t mind those mall cops angrily chasing after you). Number of Players: In the spirit of the holidays, the more the merrier! Level of Intoxication: It’s called Blackout Friday…

What You’ll Need: One package of cream cheese, one container of sour cream, as much meat and cheese as you can handle, a cup of some type of chopped veggie topping (tomatoes or bell peppers are best), lettuce and a package of taco seasoning. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Oh, like you even care.

How To Play: Take a swig of booze every time… - You witness a fender bender in the parking lot. - You see some punk-ass kid get away with shoplifting something useless. - Two women get in a fight over the last item on the shelf. - A fed up sales associate quits after being hassled by crazies all morning. - You hear someone brag about how they have been shopping since 4 a.m. - You see a screaming child left in a shopping cart. - You see a boyfriend or husband that’s been stuck holding his woman’s purse. - You see someone frantically drinking Starbucks for more energy. Game Ends When: You’re too intoxicated to be in the mall any longer so you stumble to the nearest bar.

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Let’s Get Baked: - Combine cream cheese, sour cream, and taco seasoning. - Spread the mix at the bottom of a serving plate. - Take whatever meat you have in that nasty fridge of yours-- whether it’s pepperoni, ham, bologna, lamb chops, it doesn’t matter! Cover the mix with meat. - Take whatever cheese is in your fridge and cover the meat. - Make it somewhat healthy by adding a veggie topping and lettuce. - Sit back, relax, crack open an ice-cold beer, and shove you face with the meaty cheesy concoction. Make sure you are using fresh ingredients. You don’t want to vom from eating bad meat, you want to vom from eating too much good meat!

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the booze review Booze Review: Cutty Sark Blended Scotch Whisky | grade: B Overview: If there’s one thing in this world that is a reminder of salty sea air and weirdo pirates with peg legs, it’s Cutty Sark whisky. It’s a beverage whose history is a bit richer than its taste, allowing you to toss back a few drinks smoother than the waves of open water. History: Near the end of the nineteenth century, the Cutty Sark took its first round trip voyage from London to Shanghai to deliver beer and wine in exchange for fine Chinese tea. Sales (and sails) were up, sellers (and sailors) were happy, and everyone could enjoy the new beverages being brought to their country. But Captain George Moodie soon had to break difficult news to his joyous crew. The Suez Canal had recently opened up to shipping, providing a greater advantage to steam ships for quick delivery. Captain Moodie and his loyal men had to change their cargo, as steam ships were the preferred method of transporting everyone’s fine alcohol beverages. With alcoholism on the rise, people were losing patience with the clipper ships and their longer travel time. Captain Moodie assured his crew that their new deliveries would provide just as much prosperity and enjoyable times. “That’s right men,” he said, “the Cutty Sark will now be delivering wool!” After days of convincing his groaning, complaining sailors, they all finally agreed they needed to trade something to make the money they had all grown so used to. But a sober ship sinks quick, and the men found themselves miserable as their sales plummeted. A new captain was brought on board, Richard Woodget, a real go-getter. He had plans to shorten trips by many days and bring the Cutty Sark back to its glory days. But wool wasn’t much of a motivational factor during those long nights at sea.

Eventually, one night when the clipper was docked, the crew took their captain out to a local pub, much to his dismay, to indulge in a few of the town’s finest beers to celebrate. And because all of the men missed their sweet whiskey so much. It only took about two beers for Captain Woodget to realize the grave mistake he was making with his life in the wool transporting industry. He stormed out of the pub, ran down to the docks, and set fire to his beloved Cutty Sark. “Men, tonight is the beginning of a new era. No more clipper days for us. To the Suez! To the steamships! To the selling of wine and whisky! Hell, we’ll even make our own!” Woodget yelled. “Now, I have one last question for all of ye before we leave.” The crew silenced and listened intently for their captain’s request. “Anyone else want a few road beers?” Typical Drinkers: Captain Jack Sparrow, Kermit the Frog, sheep farmers, Ryan Rudolf, Alastor “Mad-Eye” Moody, and Chinese tea enthusiasts. User Comments: “Man, I’ve been drinking this Cuppy Shark for years.” “I’ve never liked whisky. This tastes like steel wool in my throat.” “So trashed. Let’s order some Chinese takeout.” “Are you sure this isn’t vodka? It looks just like vodka.” Conclusion: Does it seem weird to anyone else that this whisky is colorless?

Best Mixer: coke | Worst Mixer: chinese tea

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Leaked Star Wars: Ep. XII Screenplay tex mex wrote this After acquiring Lucasfilm, Disney has been hard at work scripting the newest installment of George Lucas’s crowning legacy and subsequent train wreck. However, before veteran screenwriter Michael Arndt was tagged onto the production last week, the preliminary version of the first five minutes surfaced online. The screenwriting intern from some Californian art school who leaked it, noted that he was “very sorry” and “very high” when he tweeted the Episode XII excerpt in celebration of Colorado’s big news.

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What are you going to be thankful for this Thanksgiving?

“Star Wars Episode XII: A New Timeshare”

“The alcohol. I’m an alcoholic.” - John F., Sophomore

“A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…” title crawl opens the credits, citing the past events that have taken place between the present and the preceding trilogies. The Galactic Civil War has since ended with the toppling of the Empire, leaving the heroes from the original trilogy with some extra time on their hands. Facing no imminent threat whatsoever, LUKE, HAN, LEIA, CHEWBACCA, and friends decide on a trip to YODA’s long forgotten timeshare resort in Walt Disney World® in scenic Cloud City, Bespin, which is a subsidiary of The Walt Disney Company. INT. MILLENIUM FALCON – NIGHT HAN sets a course for Cloud City shortly after the party leaves Endor. He is dressed in a Mickey Mouse™ rain poncho (which sells at a retail value of $8.75). CHEWBACCA sits to his side with a pair of Mickey Mouse™ ears and a map of the amusement park. HAN: Can you believe that Yoda was sitting on this timeshare this whole time without once bringing it up during the war? I mean, Dagobah doesn’t exactly have the most glamorous real estate in the galaxy, eh, Chewie? CHEWBACCA: HROAH. HAN: (laughs) I know, Chewie. I can’t wait to ride Pirates of the Galactic Empire either. Hoth Mountain is supposed to be a total blast, too! But I hope Luke doesn’t drag us to The Hall of Jedis. That attraction blows. CHEWBACCA: HROAH. HAN: That’s right, Chewie, The Walt Disney Company is a publicly traded company, and you too can be a shareholder for the low price of $50.04! LUKE enters the cockpit and waves to HAN and CHEWBACCA with a Mickey Mouse™ glove sheathing his robotic hand. LUKE: Hey, you two! Are we there yet? After single-handedly overthrowing the most tyrannical Sith lord the Republic has ever seen, I could sure go for a tauntaun leg at a character breakfast! HAN: Calm down there, buddy. We’re almost to Cloud City. I’m sure Chewie can help you think of some ways to pass the time. CHEWBACCA: HROAH. Everyone in the room roars with laughter.

afternoon of roller coasters, oil rides, and the bantha petting zoo. C-3PO: I must say, R2, this has been the most excellent trip in comparison to our previous adventures. It seems like ages since we were last deemed as illegal droids and shipped off to a gluttonous crime lord! R2-D2 beeps and boops his signature tones in rejoice, this time replaced with Donald Duck™ quacks and Goofy™ chuckles. C-3PO: I do hope that Master Luke is enjoying himself, though. I’m sure his stress has been monumental lately, and a nice walk on the beach would do him wonders. INT. WALT DISNEY RESORT® HOTEL ROOM – EVENING LUKE extends his lightsaber and lights the end of his cigarette while resting in bed with two TWI’LEK HOOKERS. The room is scattered with psychedelic drug capsules, empty bottles of Uncle Yoda’s Old Fashioned Dagobahnian Malt Liquor, and Beauty and the BEAST™ XXL condom wrappers. LUKE: I hope you ladies know that I rescued you from Jabba’s palace for a reason. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to practice my “force push” a little more. A lone, neckbearded, Star Wars FANATIC enters the room. FANATIC: No! God, no! Look what they’ve done to the franchise and my beloved childhood! Luke, this isn’t you! There are galaxies to explore! There are planets to save! You have to-

HAN: (laughing) Oh, Chewie. You honey eatin' hound dog!

MICKEY MOUSE™ socks the distressed FANATIC square in the groin.

EXT. CLOUD STREET, U.S.A. PAVILION – DAY While the non-robotic characters lounge at the resort, C-3PO and R2-D2 casually walk about different merchandise shops after an

MICKEY MOUSE™: Bugger off, asshole, or make your fat ass useful and help me lug these bags of cash to my speeder. I need to make a stop at the First Galactic Republic Credit Union.

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continued from the cover The Lines: It’d be easy to just say let all the black people go first but that’s hardly unifying at all. Instead, when you’re waiting outside in that bone-chilling cold just start humming some spirituals and nudge your black friend and give him that look that says, “You know what I’m talking about, right?” If you don’t know any spirituals then just sing the first verse of “My Girl” by the Temptations. If you don’t know that one then when you go in you’re gonna have to buy This is It by Michael Jackson and the OJ Simpson book about how he didn’t do it. One final little act of kindness you can do is at least block the wind for us. Face it, you handle cold much better than we do. In return, we’ll gladly stand over you and let you sit in our shadows on a sunny day to protect your skin. Inside the Store: Once you’re actually in the store then we can go ahead and say that all bets are off. Trample people, yell at employees over how incompetent they are, push, shove, bite, stab, whatever you need to do to get your shit. However, at some point during this melee just find a black woman with her kids and when she threatens to, “beat them in their ass if they touch anything else” give at least an approving smile over her stern but fair parenting even if you don’t actually believe in hitting your kids. The Hours: This little part is more for the actual stores themselves. Look, we know you took our day away in order to make some awesome sales in anticipation for Christmas. That’s totally fine in a capitalist society. However, don’t expect your black employees to show up for this shit right after a heavy meal. Have you been to a black Thanksgiving with soul food? You know why they call that crap soul food? Because if you eat enough of it even your soul is gonna get diabetes. My point is after a soul food Thanksgiving we are just too tired to give a crap about work for the next forty-eight hours so don’t expect us to show up. Checkout: This is the most annoying part of the whole Black Friday experience. You already have your crap and you just want to go home and savor in your success but there’s a line of people stretching all the way from the rear of the store to a sixteen-year-old cashier who is on the verge of tears. Once again, you don’t have to let anyone cut and nobody is in a singing mood because I guarantee 100% of the people in that store are totally pissed. All I’m asking is to just have a tiniest bit more patience for that elderly black lady who ties up the line because she doesn’t seem to understand that the concept that a store could actually run out of an item. Believe me, you’ll be annoyed by her incessant pleading that she saw the item in the newspaper but…actually fuck her. She’s standing in the way of you and leftover Thanksgiving breakfast. Race doesn’t matter anymore here. Well I hope you all learned something through my little rant here. So when you’re about to go to blows with some black guy over an MP3 player just remember that you could just as easily be laughing at Weezy Jefferson’s shenanigans with George.

C'mon, it's black friday. let him cut.

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it’s turkey time!

Remember those amazingly hideous hand drawn turkey’s we loved to draw as a child? You know, where you traced your hand on a piece of paper, used the brown crayon to color inside the lines, and maybe add a sloppy beak? Well we rounded up some of our favorite imaginary tikes to check out their drawings, varying in personalities from extremely talented to extremely worrisome. By: Brendan and Quinn

The Future Serial Killer

The Hardcore A.D.D. Kid

What You’re Seeing: A perfect storm. A child with no regard for the feelings of other living creatures, an open willingness to act on these desires, and a lack of understanding of their wrongdoing - all in cutesy turkey form.

What You’re Seeing: “Teacher says I have to draw a turkey but did you know about airplanes? They go fast and so do lizards I like snakes so sometimes I draw snakes and this swirl means this finger is actually a portal to—hey, do you know who the 13th president was? It was Millard Fillmore, his name sounds like a duck, which is actually a mallard with an ‘I,’ did you know some lizards have three eyes, well they do and…”

Initial Reaction: “Oh look, Billy made us a cute drawing! Let’s put it on the refrig —Billy, give mommy the band saw.” This Kid’s Future: As Billy begins to mature, so will his art. In junior high he’ll master the human skeletal system, and be able to accurately sketch the different parts of the human skull, frenetically letting anyone within earshot know, “that the human skull is actually made up of fourteen bones fused together—the pterion is its weakest part!” In high school Billy will discover American Psycho, learning to quote it from memory. As he moves on to college, students on campus start to disappear. One day police will knock politely on his door, hearing a low, “Come in…” emanate from the other side. When they enter Billy will be joyously sitting in a kiddie pool full of blood, watching reruns of Ancient Aliens, waiting patiently to spend the rest of his life in the slammer.

Initial Reaction: “Well Thomas, this certainly is…some things on a piece of paper. Here, have some pills.” This Kid’s Future: After diagnosis and proper medication Tom lives a relatively normal life void of manic highs and crushing lows. As Tom’s parents leave him at college he vows to figure out life for himself, and begins weaning himself off of his pills. Some days things are brighter than they’ve ever been—other times he can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. After a particularly crippling bout with self-loathing he decides to self-medicate with his roommate’s psychedelics stash, thus beginning a long-term love affair with the Grateful Dead. Eventually he starts following a Grateful Dead cover band around the country, drawing trippy caricatures of audience members for $5 a pop, or a hit of acid, whichever they prefer.

’

The Protege

What You’re Seeing: The genesis of genius. First, hand turkeys, then real turkeys, then jive turkeys, then the world! Initial Reaction: “Quick, are there any shady art schools that will accept hush money to get this kid into advanced classes like, right now?” This Kid’s Future: After Karen graduated from the Rhode Island School of Design at 16 she emancipated herself from her family to join a troupe of polyamorous artists on a voyage across the Sub-Saharan Africa. She changed her name from Karen to Sonoria, because that’s what her spirit sandwich told her to do. She finally ascends to the world’s stage in her early thirties, fulfilling her potential with the epic work, “We’re All the World’s Turkey,” in which she makes a statement on the globalization of genetically modified foods by duct taping rotten turkey carcasses to oversized globes. For this, she won a Nobel Prize.

The Early Puberty Little Asshole

The Refugee from a War-Torn Country

What You’re Seeing: Two weeks ago this kid discovered his little needle dick was capable of doing other things besides peeing. And now, the little bastard can’t get it out of his mind. Initial Reaction: “Wow you did a very nice job shading – wait a second… GET THAT DOWN FROM THE COCK I MEAN CORK BOARD NOW!” The Kid’s Future: He’ll grow taller than everyone in his class, and his mustache will sprout shortly after. Girls will be drawn to him, as he excels in youth football and isn’t shy to talk about his erection in public. He’ll start banging everything imaginable, from vacuums to pantyhose boxes to his grandma’s plastic couch. Nothing in the world matters anymore, sex becomes an obsession. In high school he gets into a habit of “hitting and quitting,” but since he entered the wonderful world of sexploration before being educated, he leaves a wake of disease yet to be encountered by mankind. You see, as he was humping away his adolescence, fungus combined from the couch, refrigerator, vacuum etc. into what will become the next Black Death. This kids is Patient Zero.

What You’re Seeing: This place has electricity and running water all the time? How does it get any better than this? Initial Reaction: “I’m—I’m crying because this is just so beautifully terrible!” This Kid’s Future: After getting the last flight out of Tripoli before shit really got real, Samir ended up living with his aunt and uncle as a refugee in the United States. His first Thanksgiving he’d never seen so much food—he’d swear he’d make the best life he could for him and his family. Years later he became a naturalized citizen, later becoming a outspoken community leader who really fuckin’ loves turkey.

The poor poor kid The fatty fat fat fat

The Kid Who Will Repeat Sixth Grade (Four Times)

What You’re Seeing: The wildest fantasies of a morbidly obese child come to life. This hand, with which I eat food, is now food? Initial Reaction: “Boy, take that paper out of your mouth. You know that’s not really food, right? The Kid’s Future: To ring in his 24th birthday Luther decided to hit up his local Taco Bell for their latest treat: The Cheesy Bacon Bean Bucket, 3,000 calories of maximum deliciousness. Exiting the store Luther began to sweat profusely, and he was forced to take a seat in the middle of the parking lot. Luckily, two paramedics in an ambulance were in the drive-thru lane, and they offered him their assistance. A brief jaunt to the hospital and several xrays later, it became apparent that young Luther would need extensive heart surgery to unblock some clogged arteries. He died during surgery. Luckily, his fatty body helped create some of the most delicious Soylent Green ever created.

What You’re Seeing: Hey, turkeys have eyes and mouths too, so this drawing isn’t all wrong, okay Picasso? Initial Reaction: “Sarah, this is a great drawing of…the Hamburger Helper mascot?” This Kid’s Future: At seventeen Sarah lost interest in the fate of Mr. Seuss’ green eggs and ham, so she decided to quit school, opting to try her hand in the workforce. After getting fired for trying to cook a steak in a tanning bed Sarah figured a life in the sex industry might be for her. She cashed her first paycheck from Brazzers -- which was for more money than she could count, literally—and she realized this was the life for her. After a few years of hardcore ATM, TAP, DA+DV, QLS, OFF and LRW she retired rich, happy and stupid to a trailer park in rural Alabama.

What You’re Seeing: “The assignment told us to use crayons but mom melted all our crayons and breathed in the smoke so I found some lead by the railroad, but then I lost my folder and it got lost in the grocery bag I use for a book bag. “ Initial Reaction: Well, he’s doing the best he can with what he’s given, but if his hand turkey is any indication of the turkey he’ll see on Thanksgiving, it looks like it’s going to be another year of Capri Suns and cigarettes for poor Jimmy. The Kid’s Future: Teachers will root for him as he does his best to attend as much school as he can. In high school he’ll drop out to take care of his younger siblings while logging a few online art classes at the local community college. Eventually he’ll knock up whatever else didn’t move on to college, instantly losing interest in each of his subsequent children. At one point his son will bring up a drawing of a turkey, but he’ll use it for a coffee coaster, telling Jimmy Junior all the turkeys are dead so they’re getting peanut butter for dinner again – but in the back of his mind he’ll remember his turkey, and how he too once dreamt of a career in art.

the search & find

Think you found everything in the Pleasantville Thanksgiving? Send an email to thanksgiving@theblacksheeponline.com, and let us know where it all is. If you're right, you'll win a prize!

the classtime

madlib: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade 2130 1) Old person

“Hi there, and welcome to the 2130 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I’m your host, robo-__1__. I’m here with my beautiful co-host of a revived corpse, __2__! Say ‘hello!’”

“And look what we have here, __10__! A float for the 137th installment of __11__ franchise! According to my notes, in this laugh riot the gang travels to the __12__ of the __13__ in order to get __14__— “Hello to all our viewers out there!’ To who was convicted of trafficking __15__ think, just a little over 100 years ago, I was to the world’s most powerful country, too busy __3__ to even eat a Thanksgiv- __16__—back to __17__ in time to __18__ ing dinner, now I’m hosting the parade!” his __19__. It’s a surefire blast!” “Enough with the introductions __4__, “Now here comes a classic—the turkey let’s take a look at what this parade has balloon! As it turns onto 6th Avenue it— Oh…oh god! Oh god, no! The turkey has to offer!” burst into flames! It’s beyond belief! Be“First up today is the wonderful __5__ bal- yond imagination! I can see celebrity balloon! Can you believe the company chose loon handler __20__ running for her life. to brand themselves with a __6__? The She—she’s not going to make it! Peocompany really took a turn for the worse ple are taking shelter in the brand-new __7__ years ago, when founder __8__ re- __21__ Building! This is a day that will live in infamy. Oh, the humanity!” vealed that he’s actually a __9__.”

2) Troubled celebrity 3) Illegal activity 4) Same as #2 5) Company 6) Weird logo 7) Number 8) Company founder 9) Weird thing 10) Same as #1 11) Movie franchise 12) Geographic feature 13) City 14) Character in #11’s movie 15) Illegal item 16) Country 17) Different country 18) Verb 19) Noun 20) Current famous person 21) Current up-and-coming company

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