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Vol. 24, Issue 13
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
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4/23/14 - 4/30/14
HOW TO HARASS RUNNERS LIKE A CHAMP:
A GUIDE ON NOT PREPARING FOR THE ILLINI MARATHON TEX MEX WROTE THIS outer reaches of Champaign-Urbana to get a feel for any fast food joints you may have overlooked during your dietary training. The more miles you cover before succumbing to your hunger, the longer you’ll be able to last on a single bag of popcorn before the next snack vendor comes your way.
So, you want to try your luck with the Illini Marathon, huh? Well, sorry to say, but seeing as that this little run about town is, like, tomorrow, your lazy ass isn’t getting into godly shape. For any straggling readers who haven’t tossed this paper down in contemptuous disappointment that involves eating their own weight at Cocomero, thanks for reading on, because not all is lost. Aside from the runners, there’s still an integral spot in the marathon that always needs filling: the spectator. And who better to train you for that than someone who sits on his ass all day writing passively sarcastic, unfunny articles?
Step #3: Stay Hydrated: Regardless of what self-proclaimed “experts” tell you, it’s not enough to simply eat like shit in order to ruin your chances of running a marathon; you also have to drink like shit. All of those fitness weirdoes running the marathon are going to be guzzling down water like they own the fucking Mahomet Aquifer, so stick it to them by proudly displaying that, while any pussy can mass consume H2O, it takes a real athletic spectator to guzzle down beer in the mild spring heat. Put it this way: Do you think the losers at music festivals who choose to hydrate by drinking water rather than CamelBak’d liquor are really having any fun?
Step #1: Start Eating Right: This should be a given since eating is a spectator’s most invaluable skill. Many of the pros within the crowds in the Major Leagues are known to scarf down whatever’s thrown at them at the concessions area: hotdogs, jumbo pretzels, ludicrously overpriced pizza slices, caramel corn, loaded nachos, you name it, they’ll eat it. For the aspiring spectator looking to get in top shape to view their live athletic event, start practicing by cooking up frozen pizzas and microwaving pizza rolls in between commercials of televised sporting events. When you’re ready to take the plunge, move onto takeout, because there’s going to be plenty of restaurants to take on as you follow the runners during the marathon.
Step #4: Carbo-load Before the Big Day: Marathon runners think they’re actually helping their bodies out by eating highcarb meals such as spaghetti and potatoes before a race. If they were so sure about the so-called positive effects of carbo-loading, you’d think they’d actually pick from the tip-top of the carbohydrate barrel. But since runners are too busy circlejerking each other over which training flats provide the least shock, they’re often too delusional to accept reality. Before your own “Big Day” as an audience member, ravenously stuff things like pure fructose and granulated sugar – the real high-carb buffers of the food pyramid – down your throat. If you cramp up less than usual when shifting your body weight while yelling obscenities at the runners, you didn’t ingest nearly enough power powders.
Step #2: Continue Improving Your Mileage: Driving around town is going to be an absolute bitch during the marathon, so you won’t be able to just joy ride your way down Green Street in a lackadaisical fashion. Because of blocked-off roads, the ease of access to your usual grease joints may be hampered by those pompous dickheads who feel like they need to run 26.2 miles just to prove that they have disgustingly toned legs. Before the big day, drive around the
Step #5: Remember that it’s All Mind over Matter: If you talk to any jackass during their “light 8-mile” run or whatever the hell they say to further fellate their egos, they’ll tell you that it’s all a psychological mind game in terms of overcoming stress while running. The same can be said for spectating, of course. When you nearly gag on your sixthstraight double-chocolate glazed donut, the voice inside your head that says, “Fuck’s sake, man. You’re KILLING yourself!” is merely your mind saying, “Go ahead, pussy. Stuff
down another one. I’ll bet you can’t, bitch.” It’s all just mind-trickery, and if millions of scathingly accurate political cartoons have taught us anything, it’s that the physical proportions of Americans can stretch beyond all bounds without cartoonishly exploding. Take those negative, lifestyle-saving emotions and turn them into something positively constructive as you further yourself down the path of becoming a fleshy pile of human failure, like cussing out runners and goosing them with your genitalia from the sidelines. It might not make them feel the
greatest, but you’ll sure as hell feel good about it! Remember, all of these steps can easily be done within a day’s time so long as you’re legitimately dedicated to the craft of becoming Champaign-Urbana’s most loathed spectator of the upcoming marathon. If you think these steps progress a bit too fast for you and would be better done in moderation, then we think you’d better fit in with the no-life asshole’s who’ve been “training for months” for this thing.
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PAGES 20-21
SENIOR TO CAMPUS TOUR: HAPPINESS IS FLEETING
TOP 10: PLACES TO POOP ALONG THE MARATHON ROUTE
THE TEN PEOPLE YOU’LL SEE AT MUSIC FESTIVALS
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Dear Kitty Kat, I’m a senior and in typical procrastination fashion, I’ve held off on my victory lap until just now. How do I go back and bang all my previous hook-ups before finals set in?
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Sincerely, Big Peen Peter Dear Man With Small Weiner, How was this not the first thing you took care of when coming back to campus in the fall? I can see holding off on studying for a test, writing your senior thesis, or looking for a job, but how do you wait so long to re-slam some sluts? I feel sorry for you, seriously. And I’m pretty disappointed. I’m gonna help you out. First step is to get back in touch with all of them. Copy and paste the same Facebook message of a “Hey, what’s up? How’ve you been?” and shoot it out to all the girls you’ve gotten with. Once someone responds, spend five minutes sweet-talking their panties off. You don’t have time to spare and need to be as efficient as possible. So after all the formalities are out of the way and you’ve both said how fast this year has gone by a handful of times, cut to the chase and use a lot of winky faces. Invite her out to Red Lion happy hour or $2 drinks at Firehaus on Sundays or just over to your apartment to “order a pizza and chill.” Once you’ve got the girl to yourself, word vomit all over her with compliments and sweet nothings. Subtly touch her arm, push her hair back behind her ear—all that stuff you hear about in country songs. If you can’t seal the deal after this point, then you’re hopeless. You’re just not attractive enough, or that girl was way too drunk the first time you banged. However, if you are better looking than a seven and have more girls on your list than hours left in the semester, I suggest taking some summer classes or even staying for the fall. Gotta make sure you hit ‘em all, bro. Later, Kitty Kat
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EMBITTERED SENIOR TO CAMPUS TOUR: HAPPINESS IS FLEETING RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS
It’s that time of year again for high school students to drag their Uggs and hopeful spirits upon the pavement of this great institution. With eagerness shining from their faces, 15 prospective students beamed brighter than the seizure-inducing bright orange bags that each of them had in hand. Finally, their tour guide, senior Julia Barges, arrived. After putting out her dying cigarette and scowling at the heavens, she turned that frown upside down. We followed Julia as she showed 15 prospective students and their parents around campus. “Hello everyone, and welcome to the University of Illinois. My name is Julia. I’m a senior majoring in English and Spanish. After this, I’m probably going to work at Target. Even Becca from my STATS 100 class has a job, and she has the stupidest-looking face I’ve ever seen. But, you know, it’s fine, whatever. Anyway, let’s just get this over with. Any questions?
No? Good. Follow me. These are going to be the best four years of your life! You’ll spend time making friends, learning things, having fun, and preparing for the next stage after graduating from here! You’ll imagine your proposed future of living in Wicker Park, and becoming a hip, yuppie parent who shops at Ten Thousand Villages and owns their own line of urban-themed scented soaps. And then, later adjusting that to a nice place in Naperville next to Whole Foods. Disappointment is rampant, everyone. But it’ll be okay in the end. Maybe. But enough of me talking. What are you guys majoring in? Engineering? That’s cute. You’re welcome for the Engineering Quad. It was paid for mostly by my tuition, since my money evidently didn’t go towards me learning
anything here. Grainger’s pretty nice, too. There’s even a cute little pond where you engineers can go and contemplate the positive and direct correlation between the measurement of your current misery vs. the number of vacations you’ll be able to take in the future. Communications? Well, at least you’re aware of your own incompetence. Consciousness is key. MCB? So you want to be a doctor. You want to go to medical school and make your little Indian family proud. You’re a special snowflake, aren’t you? Just like everyone else. Tell yourself that adding Adderall to your Jamba Juice for 12 years will be worth it. English? Oh you sweet, sweet, little bunny rabbit. You’re fucked. Speaking of which, please follow me to the left. This is the English building. Because nothing
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screams “no one loves you” like crumbling ceilings and a healthy portion of anthrax sprinkled in each classroom. These are the Ikenberry Commons, where all of the normal people live. Here’s a room in Weston Hall. Come on in, everyone. Don’t be shy. It looks like a damn closet, doesn’t it? Maybe that will convince you to save your money, live at home, and go to Harper like every other sensible suburbanite. If you do end up living in one of these shit holes, maybe you’ll have the good sense to accidentally choke on your own vomit to your own demise. Then, you’ll never have to pay off your loans with the money that you don’t have! Here’s Espresso Royale, which has a monopoly of shitty coffee over this campus. Here’s a Starbucks, where it will take 15 minutes for a sororistute to make you a
goddamn mocha. Regardless of where you go, you will start heavily drinking to forget about the pain inflicted upon you by the incompetent baristas on this university’s campus.
production of some sort. It’s also a fantastic place to point at theater kids and say to yourself that hey, at least I'm going to live in a nicer cardboard box than those sad fuckers!
This is Altgeld Hall. If you squint your eyes enough, it’s almost Princeton, and you almost didn’t disappoint your ancestors.
So kids, get excited for the next four years! You might meet the love of your life here. But most likely, you’re probably going to end up sobbing over a jar of peanut butter in a puddle of your own self-loathing. In the next 15 minutes, I see myself rolling onto my back and flailing like a beetle, just like Gregor Samsa would’ve wanted me to. But hey, I hope you enjoy your impending collegiate alcoholism and inescapable future despair!”
This is Green Street, where you will mull over your poor life choices in a crusty booth at Torticas. And then you’ll undoubtedly shit until you cry. This is the Krannert Center of the Performing Arts. It’s a great place to catch an awe-inspiring
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STAMPEDE OF CHAMPAIGN MARATHONERS TOO SOON FOR LION KING FAN
Fat Kid Revels in Empty Third Floor Bathroom JP Stevens wrote this Kevin Waterson, a senior in LAS, announced Tuesday that he had finally found the perfect place to shit on campus. “Family, friends, classmates, I've brought you all together here today to officially tell you that my search for the perfect shitting spot has come to a spectacular conclusion,” Waterson said, addressing a group of strangers in the Illini Union's south study room. “It is a search that began four years ago, but has finally come to an end here today. As an LAS major, the thought had never occurred to me to check the Armory for a quiet, peaceful homeland for
my horrendously offensive shits, but I'm here now to tell you that I was wrong.” Waterson went on for 47 more minutes explaining the process in which he found the empty bathroom, which came complemented with a large, clean stall. “It may have been built for a handicapped person, but it found a home with a very, very fat man,” Waterson exclaimed to the dumbfounded crowd of students who clearly did not care. “Me. I am the fat man.” Waterson remembered a time when he was forced to take a shit in the
first floor bathroom in Gregory Hall: “It was maddening in there,” Waterson recalled. “Sure, I may have been alone in the stall, but how can a man feel alone when all he can see are countless feet walking past the door and all he can hear are voices cackling at the smell of my rancid, fat shit?” When Waterson opened his eyes after the telling of this terrible memory, he found himself alone in the third floor stall of the Armory bathroom. “I can't believe I found this place,” Waterson thought to himself. “People are going to love hearing this story.”
Winnie Bago wrote this Susie Dawson looked on during the Champaign marathon while sitting next to her father, Peter Dawson. She squinted, trying to look at runners’ wedgies as they ran by. She could see the marathoners start to round the corner that would lead them past where she sat. Their neon clothing blended together as the sunshine reflected off them, looking like a set of bouncing glow sticks. Susie started jumping up and down, unable to contain her excitement. She was quickly distracted by the jiggle of her thighs and the sway of the skin that hung over her biceps. She stopped jumping and held herself insecurely. The thunder of the runners’ stampeding feet overwhelmed Susie. She plugged her ears and crouched down, trying to tune it out. Her mind went to another place. She could see a stampede of wildebeests coming toward her. The roar of their hooves was deafening. Her eyes scanned around the canyon she was stuck in, but she couldn’t find an escape. Susie heard a man’s voice shout
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“Simba!” It came from somewhere above. She looked up and saw Mufasa peering over the ledge. He leapt down, grabbed her by the skin of her neck, and scrambled up the side of the cavern. He barely managed to plop her down when he lost his footing and started to slip. That’s when she noticed her drunk uncle, Scar, showed up. He said some menacing things, but she had trouble hearing him over the sound of the wildebeests. What happened next went fast: Scar dropped Mufasa over the edge. She knew she screamed, but she couldn’t hear herself. She
just felt the terror overwhelm her. Then she felt a sudden tap on her shoulder and returned to reality. She opened her eyes to the Champaign Marathon. A little girl next to her asked if she was okay. Confused, Susie looked around. The runners had stopped in place, looking at her after her piercing scream. She looked over to her dad. He was smiling while playing his kazoo and waving a pom-pom. There were no signs he had just fallen into a stampede of wildebeests. “Hakuna matata?” Susie asked and shrugged.
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Engineering Senior Torn Between NASA Internship and Promotion at Dairy Queen THE GONZ WROTE THIS Senior Thomas Macklin, who has worked at the Dairy Queen in his hometown of Orland Park for the past four years, was excited to return this summer with the promise of a promotion to shift lead. “This is what I’ve been working toward all this time. My boss finally saw the potential in me to do great things,” Macklin haughtily proclaimed. This year, Macklin was dead-set on working at Dairy Queen once again and was excited for the responsibilities associated with his new promotion. “I had already discussed my pay raise and schedule with my manager,” said Macklin with a disheartened tone. “But then I received the internship offer from NASA.” Macklin told us that he applied to NASA at the beginning of the year, but after not receiving an offer for several months, assumed that his application had been denied. According to Macklin, the offer includes a travel and housing stipend, plus wages well beyond what he would receive at DQ. “I’ve heard that NASA highly values leadership skills and that’s the most important aspect of a company, in my opinion,” said Tom. “Other than that, the prospect of free ice cream is a major factor in my decision.” Macklin commented that, on the one hand, his manager at Dairy Queen will be extremely disappointed if he decides to not return. On the other hand, “it’s fucking NASA.” Macklin’s friends and family are begging him to
choose the latter. “My mom pointed out that NASA has more letters in their acronym than DQ does,” mentioned Tom. “I don’t even know if that’s a pro or a con.” Macklin’s best friend and coworker at Dairy Queen recommended that he accept the offer at NASA. “The thing is,” Macklin said with an air of suspicion, “he’s next in line for the promotion at DQ, so I don’t know if I can trust his opinion.” Macklin spoke with his advisor in the Mechanical Engineering department for another opinion. “My advisor recommended that I accept the NASA offer as well. He said that summer internships are important resume builders when looking for a career after graduation.” Macklin then added with a sigh, “This is the hardest decision of my entire life.” A spokesperson from the NASA internship program commented, “Here at NASA we understand that some students must make tough decisions about what to do during their summers. We try to make our internship program as desirable as possible to attract only the best and brightest. Usually, the toughest decisions are when students must choose between [NASA] and a company such as Boeing or Lockheed Martin, not retail or food service.”
“Tom is my best employee, and I would be sad to see him leave. Regardless, he’s an idiot. Tell him to choose NASA.”
We reached out to the general manager at the local Dairy Queen for a statement.
We tried to reach out to Macklin for another comment, but he claimed he was holed up in his bedroom,
weighing the pros and cons, specifically charting which ice cream flavors he would likely never taste for free again if he sided with NASA. Only time will tell if Macklin will be willing to forfeit Oreo Blizzards for a likely bright and lavishly wealthy future. To his credit, the waffle cones at DQ are delectable.
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BRAVE KNIGHT RESCUES PRINCESS FROM
CASTLE RED LION HEAVY METAL KRIST WROTE THIS
A brave knight was diligently patrolling the Castle on Locust apartments for threats of intruders when he received an urgent message. “Helxp walk me hom e,” it said on his phone. It was a text from the Beautiful Princess who resided in apartment 28, the woman the Brave Knight believed his heart belonged to. She was being held captive at the Castle Red Lion by a fearful dragon and needed to be rescued by the most gallant knight in all of Chambana. Fortunately, the Brave Knight was more than willing to answer the call of duty. The Brave Knight put on his suit of armor (a pair of sweatpants and a Block I shirt), equipped himself with his finest weaponry, (a rolled up copy of The Daily Illini) and rode into town square on his noble steed (his longboard). The Brave Knight’s quest to Castle Red Lion was not without obstacles, however. Along the way, the Brave Knight was confronted by the Bromley Battalion, a ground force
assembled by Lord Cochrane to keep the peasants of University Housing away from the borders of Castle Red Lion. Despite their strength in numbers, the Bromley Battalion was no match for the Brave Knight, as he vanquished each soldier with his exceptional swordsmanship and sobriety. At last, the Brave Knight arrived at the Castle Red Lion; however, it was not enough for the knight to simply arrive at his location — he needed to pass through the castle’s impenetrable walls to get to the Beautiful Princess. All possible entries into Castle Red Lion were tightly guarded by gatekeepers, leaving no way for the Brave Knight to enter the fortress undetected. In a bold move, the Brave Knight decided to approach one of the gatekeepers and offer a bribe in exchange for entry into the castle. The gatekeeper requested five rupees from the Brave Knight, to which he obliged. After the transaction was made, the Brave
Knight was allowed entry into Castle Red Lion. Once inside, the Brave Knight found himself engaging in duels with other, lesser knights who sought to steer him away from his mission of saving the princess. After making quick work of his opponents, the Brave Knight spotted the princess across the castle, being held in the clutches of the dragon (her formal date, who was wearing dragon-themed Ed Hardy formal wear). The Brave Knight stood up to the dragon, drew his sword, and fearlessly demanded that he let the princess go. The dragon looked into the knight’s eyes, angrily snorted his snout and released the princess from his grasp, saying that the Brave Knight could have her because “the sloppy bitch won’t even put out.” The Brave Knight grabbed the Beautiful Princess’ hand and ran with her out of Castle Red Lion. The Brave Knight asked his lady how she was doing, to which she
groggily responded “Fineeeeerph.” The Brave Knight knew she was fatigued and needed to bring her back to the Castle on Locust quickly. He lurched the Beautiful Princess over on his noble steed and took a shortcut home through Fraternity Park, a territory controlled by Chambana’s Greek population. As the Brave Knight and his princess rode through Fraternity Park, the Greek inhabitants jeered and threw urine-filled glass bottles from their slums at the hero. The Brave Knight’s skillful riding of his noble steed allowed him to dodge all projectiles and avoid sharp-edged debris on the ground, allowing him and the Beautiful Princess to ride through unscathed. At the edge of Fraternity Park, the Brave Knight and his princess encountered a beggar seeking help. The Brave Knight sought to assist the beggar with his troubles until he tried to feel up the Beautiful Princess’ bosom. Immediately the Brave Knight drew his sword
attacked the beggar to protect the princess. After a few swift swats of his sword, the beggar fled, and the Brave Knight and Beautiful Princess continued their ride to the Castle on Locust. Finally, after an exhausting journey, the Brave Knight returned to the Castle on Locust with the Beautiful Princess. He walked her up the stairs to her quarters to ensure a safe return. Standing outside the doors of her quarters, the knight took the princess’ hand and wished her a good night and peaceful sleep. Although the Brave Knight sought nothing in return for his heroic deeds, he secretly desired a good night kiss from the princess he adored so much. Unable to control the wave of emotions that came
over him, the Brave Knight leaned in for a kiss. As he reached closer towards her tender lips to seal that fateful night with a kiss, the princess suddenly expelled the contents of her stomach through her mouth and onto the knight’s footwear. The Brave Knight stood in stunned silence, staring at the pool of vomit at his feet as the princess stumbled into her chamber for the evening. Maybe another time he will profess his undying love for the Beautiful Princess. Until then, he will toil away in the dreaded acquaintance realm, continuing to court the Beautiful Princess through heroic deeds and romantic gestures until their destiny of becoming wed and ruling over the beautiful Chambana kingdom is realized.
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STUDENT SPOTLIGHT
THE
TOP
TEN
PLACES TO POOP ALONG THE ILLINOIS MARATHON ROUTE KITTY KAT WROTE THIS
“Runners trot” is not a myth. It’s normal to feel like you gotta take a huge dump during and after a big race. And if you’re running 26.2 miles for a few hours, you better believe you’re gonna have to lay a corn loaf at some point. We found 10 spots along the Illinois Marathon route that are the perfect spots to pop out some bum nuggets in order for your convenience. 10.) The Starting Line: Make your presence known by looking the competition in the face and dropping a keester cake before the race even starts. It’s a way of saying to everyone behind you, “Yeah bitch. This is the pace I’m setting.”
UIUC STUDENT BUILDS TIME MACHINE TO PREPARE FOR FINALS, SUMMER INTERNSHIP BRIAN BARSOTTI WROTE THIS On April 16, 2014, junior Hugh Ganter came to the horrifying realization that it was the middle of April already. Finals were approaching, and internship opportunities were quickly slipping away. Facing tremendous pressure to “not fuck up again this year,” Ganter decided to make more time for his responsibilities. In order to do that, the mechanical engineering major built a time machine. The idea came to Ganter when he discovered he was late for a summer internship application. He had missed the due date by one day, and rather than moving on and applying for other internships and summer jobs, he became determined to turn in the application by any means necessary. “I guess it would’ve been easier to cut my losses,” said Ganter. “But on the other hand, time travel has really given me a competitive advantage in today’s job market. Plus, I needed the extra time to study for finals.” Ganter went to Loomis to search for a scientist mad enough to help design and build a time machine. He met a reclusive theoretical physicist by the nickname “Doc,” who showed great interest in Hugh’s project. Doc and Ganter spent the next 32 years perfecting their time machine, as they became the most renowned scientists on the planet. But Ganter, knowing how essential it was to get good grades on finals and to find a summer internship, went back in time to his junior year of college, when he was at last able to turn in applications before their deadlines. Throughout college, Ganter missed out on many networking opportunities. He’s lost count of all the times he’s said the phrase, “Oh shit, there was a career fair today?” But with a time machine, Ganter had the power to go to the career fairs of the past, and thus get his
name out to a bunch of business majors. He’s expecting a call from John Deere fairly soon. The time machine proved to be a tremendously helpful tool for studying as well. “A lot of times this semester, I had to ‘miss’ class, and I wasn’t able to find the lecture notes because my teachers wouldn’t post them online,” explained Ganter. “But thanks to time travel, I could attend all my lectures and get all the notes I needed. I’m amazed by how much of a saving grace iClicker points are during lecture. Like, this whole time I literally just had to press a button once every so often to get participation points? And here I thought I’d actually have to study for a test to improve my grades…” Ganter also used his time machine to revisit important events throughout history, such as the American Revolution and the Napoleonic Wars. He had been struggling to write his final paper for his Western civilization class, which he took for an easy gen-ed requirement, and interviewing important historical figures allowed him to better understand the concepts taught in the course. Upon being asked why he didn’t kill Hitler in his time travels, Ganter simply stated, “Oh, shit. I forgot.” Mankind has dreamed of traveling through time itself. Sadly, no one had ever had the determination to unlock the key to time travel – no one, that is, except for a U of I student looking for a summer gig and good grades on finals. The story of Ganter has sent a clear message to college students everywhere: Unless you own a time machine, it’s already too late to prepare for both finals and internships. Have fun spending another summer life guarding at the community pool, because you just missed that last internship you had your eyes set on by five minutes.
9.) At Third and Green: Be your very own Red Lion Poop Girl and blow some mud at the corner while you jog on by. Who knows, you might even be the next Internet meme sensation! Don’t forget to wear your lacy green panties! 8.) The Front Steps of the Champaign County Courthouse: Just after the third mile, you run in front of this little gem. Remember when you had to go there to pay off your drinking ticket last Unofficial? Well, it’s payback time now. Lay down some Lincoln Logs and flip those bastards the bird. 7.) Outside of the Silver Bullet: Yes, the infamous Urbana strip club is along the race route, and this is your chance to blast a dookie there without being kicked out on the street by a bouncer. We’re not sure if the ladies there will be turned on by this act or not, but at least leave them a decently-sized tip to remember you by. 6.) Tau Kappa Epsilon’s Front Lawn: As the frat boys peacefully slumber from a rager the night before, leave them some booze poos of your own as your make your way back up Fourth Street. If you’re a fan of the TKE bros and think they deserve a bit better treatment than that, you’ll also be passing Psi U, DU, Skulls and Phi Kappa Psi. Take your pick. 5.) Once You Hit 13 Miles: You’re halfway there, baby! It’s time to drop the kids off at the pool and have a little alone time. Hell, go ahead and enjoy that Fiber One bar you’ve been saving in your pocket during your pit stop. You deserve it. 4.) At Third and Green, Again: Bet ya' can’t murder a mud bunny in the same place twice! 3.) At the 17-Mile Marker: Why? Because there’s gonna be a station there for water, Gatorade, GU energy gel, musical entertainment … just think of how many people you can impress with your humongous ass goblins! 2.) On the Beautiful Green Grass of the Champaign Country Club: At this point, you have two miles left, and it’s all about adrenaline now. You’re gonna make it! Show those country club snobs about to tee off how to properly release a chocolate hostage in public before sprinting off to the finish. 1.) The Finish Line A.K.A. the 50-Yard Line of Memorial Stadium: Because wouldn’t that be the coolest Snapchat ever? And hey, the football team does it every Saturday in the fall anyways, so what's the difference?
PAGE 10
LEARN TO SUIT UP:
A USER’S GUIDE TO DRESSING FOR EXCHANGES SCOTTY G WROTE THIS
You’ve got an exchange tonight, but you don’t know what to wear. You need to fit in with whatever ridiculous theme has been decided on, while still putting an attractive foot forward. We’ve got you covered. Whether the theme is “Librarians and Barbarians” or “Mascots and Ascots,” there are a few simple guidelines you need to follow: Camo and Neon: Camouflage and bright pastel clothes are the most versatile items in your closet. Use them often. They can be incorporated into almost any theme. Next time you’re at a thrift shop, stock up on some neon shirts, and you’ll be set for most 80s or 90s themes (basically anything in the past can be played off with neon). When you’re buying some misprinted gear from the Army Surplus store, make sure to get black face paint. You can now use it for any future exchanges because you can give yourself a curly mustache, a Harry Potter scar, or whatever you need to fit the bill. Short Shorts: It doesn’t matter how cold it is. We repeat: IT DOESN’T MATTER IF THERE’S A POLAR VORTEX. You’re wearing short shorts, guys and girls. We have winter for eight months a year. Our eyeballs are being unnaturally starved of upper thighs. This is the only way we can restore balance and lead happy healthy lives. Have you ever heard someone say, “That guy/girl looks like he/she must have been comfortable on the walk over here. I wanna' bang him/her.” No, no one has, and not just because no one talks with slashes. Whether it’s jorts or booty shorts or Speedos or garbage bags, weather the storm with some short shorts whether the weather’s good or bad. You Need Props: No exchange costume is complete without a poorly made prop. We’re talking canes, oversized hats, helmets, pet iguanas, anything. You want something that you can incorporate into your dance moves and flirtatiously bump into people with. If the theme is “Beatles and Don Cheadles,” just accidentally knock into someone and say, “Oh sorry, did I hit you with my inflatable guitar? You can probably tell by my boyish good looks and effortless charm that I’m Paul. I mean, my real name isn’t Paul. Can ... can I buy you a drink? Yeah, I can go fuck myself. Nice meeting you.” Nailed it. When in Doubt, Look Good: If you’re ever deciding between two different outfits, go with the one that makes you look like the guy/girl that a girl/guy wants to go home with. Adhering to the theme is nice, but it’s not the top priority. After the first hour of the exchange, nobody will be sober enough to bitch about how your leather jacket and aviators don’t apply to the theme “Nudists and Buddhists.” But don’t just assume ignoring the theme is the way to go, because nothing puts you in a better position than an attractive outfit combined with a funny explanation of how it relates to the theme. Whatever troubles you might have getting ready for an exchange, just remember to enjoy the fact that it’s still socially acceptable for you to play dress-up.
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Catch the Game Here! $3.25 22oz Coors Light Stadium Cup, $4 Vegas Bombs $2.50 Three Olives Flavored Long Island Iced Teas
Saturday Night's Show: CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE featuring DIRT MONKEY, DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, BLASTFOME, AUTOSTEP and GOODSEX
SENIOR BAR CRAWL! Saturday, May 3rd Shirts are only $10! www.SeniorBarCrawl.com for more information!
SATURDAY! DJ Wesjile & Kow, 10pm FREE before 11pm!
SENIOR BAR CRAWL! Saturday, May 3rd Shirts are only $10! www.SeniorBarCrawl.com for more information!
Wednesday 4/23
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
GOLD SPRINTS (Early Show!) PIZZA FM BENEFIT (Late Show!)
FRATTLE OF THE DJ's Victory Lap Night! $2 Long Islands $2 Wells, $2 Bud Light Bottles
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
BLACKHAWKS VS BLUES 8:30PM - RED BEER ON TAP! Bud Mug Night! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!
Thursday 4/24
$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks, $2 Fireball $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys $3 Long Islands $5 Domestic Pitchers
DANNY BROWN with LUCKI ECK$ and ZEELOOPERZ
$1 FIREBALL $3 Vegas & Jager Bombs $4 ICE BOMBS
Private Party - Closed Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
NFL DRAFT Watch Party $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers HALF PRICE BURGERS from 7:30pm-10pm $2 WELLS, Half Price Whiskey
Friday 4/25
$2 Jager Bombs, $2 Wells $2.5 Miller Lt/Coors Lt $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Three Olives Premium LITs $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
MIKE GOLDEN & FRIENDS (Early Show!) CU Entertainment and Heartland presents BLEND (Late Event!)
OPEN AT 5pm FREE GRILLED CHEESE and Chips with the purchase of any beverage
The Dustbowl Revivial $7, 10pm
DOUBLEHEADER! Hawks vs Blues 7pm Bulls vs Wizards 7pm Red Beer on Tap! $3.99 Haus Fries
Saturday 4/26
$2 Jager Bombs, $3 Wells $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE featuring DIRT MONKEY, DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, BLASTFOME, AUTOSTEP and GOODSEX
$3 Jim Beam $3 Cuervo Silver $3 Three Olives Vodka $5 Patron Shots
DJ Wesjile & Kow, 10pm FREE before 11pm!
Welcome Marathoners! Get the Huge 32oz Firehaus Gameday Mug! $3 Jameson $3 Rumplemintze $3 Three Olives Vodka
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
DOUBLEHEADER! Noon Bulls vs Wizards 2pm Hawks vs Blues $2 ANYTHING! $3.99 for 10 Wings
Sunday 4/27
Closed
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Book your Next Party at Clybourne! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Monday 4/28
Mason Jar Monday $2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY! $1 Drink Specials! $2 Manolos Pizza specials! The battle for Summer Camp Music Festival Concludes!
$1 U CALL ITS $2 Voli Premium Vodka
Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
Pop Culture Trivia at 7:30pm $1 Bud Light Drafts $1 Tequila 1/2 PRICE APPS 4-10pm
Tuesday 4/29
$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts *Not all Beers included* $2 Shot of the Week
Wasted Potential and Blu Music presents SOMO
WINE NIGHT! $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Svedka Bottles $2 Bottles of Wine
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
HAWKS vs BLUES BULLS vs WIZARDS $2.99 Cheeseburgers 4-10pm $2 WELLS Half Price Sharkbowls
Wednesday 4/30
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
TRITONAL and PARIS BLOHM with KYRAL X BANKO, HEESH and RAMI MOON
$2 Long Islands $2 Wells $2 Bud Light Bottles
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Bud Mug Night! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 DOWNTOWN
EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas
FRIDAY Giraffage w/ Branchez Doors at 7:30pm, $12 Adv. DJ Delayney at 11pm $4 Double Wells
Watch the Hawks on our 5 Brand New 70in TVs, Plus Our 2 Big Screens!
Wednesday 4/23
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Thursday 4/24
$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada
Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
Giraffage w/ Branchez Doors at 7:30pm, $12 Adv. DJ Delayney at 11pm $4 Double Wells
Saturday 4/26
Friday and Saturday: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
WED 4/30: Frattle Finale! $1,000 to the Winner $2,500 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Blue Guys
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball Hawks on the Big Screen!
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
Frattle of the DJs! Over $2,500 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles, $5 Rita Pitchers, $3 3 Olive Blue Guys, Hawks at 8:30! Win a Roenick Jersey! $2 Coors Lt. Cans
$2 Bud Light (Drafts) $2 Captain $2 Jager Bombs Hawks on the Big Screen!
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Klub Kam’s DJ “3xceed” 10pm $2 Lite/Coors Lt Bottles $3 Blue Guys
$3 Jim Beam, $3 Pinnacle $6 Summer Shandy Pitchers
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Welcome Illinois Marathon! Hawks & Bulls at 7PM Win a Roenick Jersey! $1.75 Lite Cans, $3 Beam Drinks, $4 Blue Guys
Watch the Hawks at Guido's!
De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola
$6 Lunchbox Pitchers $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 American Harvest Hawks on the Big Screen!
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Welcome Runners! $4 Blue Guys $2 Bud Light Bottles
Sunday 4/27
$5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
$11 Build Your Own Bucket (BYOB), $2 Jager Bombs $2 Don Q and Blackbeard
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Afternoon Party for the Hawks at 2! Win a Roenick Jersey! $2 U Call It $2 Coors Light 16oz
Monday 4/28
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Buzz Presents: Sounds of CU, 8pm Local Music Showcase!
MNJ! $2 Bud Platinum Bottles $2 Smirnoff Drinks/Shots $3 RBV with Smirnoff Hawks on the Big Screen!
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
$2 U Call It
Tuesday 4/29
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Tequila Tuesday and 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moon $2 Cuervo featuring Cinge All 90s, All Night!
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Country Night! Hawks Game 7 (TBD) $1.50 Coors & Coors Lt Bottles $2 Bourbons, $3 Blue Guys
Wednesday 4/30
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball Hawks on the Big Screen!
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
Frattle Finale! $1,000 to the Winner $2,500 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Blue Guys
SPECIAL NIGHT
Friday 4/25
If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
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FRIDAY! $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
WEDNESDAY! Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!
SPECIAL NIGHT
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! Coors Light, $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles, $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
Blackhawks Watch Party! 8:30pm- Hawks vs Blues $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Cruzan Rum
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!
Wednesday 4/23
Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
$2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints, $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Bacardi and Malibu Singles, $5 Jameson Doubles, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles
Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime
1/2 off Sandwiches after 4pm Das Boot! $3 Boot, $5 Fill All Drafts (except Guinness) $3 Jim, Jack and Soco, $2 Horse-Chata
Thursday 4/24
BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge
$3 Sam Adams Family Pints $2.50 Wild Turkey Singles $5 Skyy Doubles, $2.50 Cuervo & Blackbeard Shots $4 Jager Bombs
Open at 5pm Blackhawks vs Blues 7pm $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES, $1 Burnetts Vodka, $3 Jager Bombs
$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
1/2 Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM $2.50 Coronas $3.50 Bacardi Flavors
Friday 4/25
SOLO CUP SATURDAY! No Cover Charge
$2.50 Jameson Singles $5 Bacardi and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots $4 Jager Bombs
Open at Noon $2 Long Islands
$2 U Call It $4 Pitchers
1/2 Off Apps 3-9PM, $3 Crown, Captain, and 3-Olive Drinks, $3 U-Call-It Wells & Drafts
Saturday 4/26
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
Trivia Starts @ 10pm! $2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Orchata and Dr McGillicuddy, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
Book Your Next Party at Red Lion! Contact Us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Closed Eat some chicken strips at Papa D's!
11am - 3pm: Rehab Breakfast $3 Bloody Mary's, $1 Domestics & Wells
Sunday 4/27
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $3 Blue Moon and Angry Orchard Pints, $2.50 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Singles, $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots
Monday Night Lion $1 WELLS, $2 Sailor Jerry $3 MEV's (Monster Energy & Vodka)
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
1/2 Off Burgers! $1 Wells, Domestic Drafts and Shots
Monday 4/28
$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
$4 Guinness, Smithwicks and Triptych Pints, $2.50 Blackbeard Rum and Jim Beam Singles, $2.50 Fireball and Orchata, $2 Old Style, PBR, Schlitz, Miller Lite Tall Boys
SENIOR NIGHT! Must be 21 to Enter! $2 Long Islands
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
$1 Tacos ALL DAY! $4 Bacardi Buckets $2 Drafts
Tuesday 4/29
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! Blue Moon $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
$2 Sailor Jerry $2 Pinnacle Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!
Wednesday 4/30
Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
! N W O D 0 5 $ LY N O R O F N SIG VINGS! THATS $275 INhoSurA s of tour. Must sign within 72ictions apply Limted time only! Restr
FREE T S h when you briin r t
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PARTYING WITH THE CAST OF
NEIGHBORS AT KAM'S
ON THE STREETS WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OBSCURE WORD, AND WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF IT? Celeste, Senior
O BABY FRANC ! AND McLOVIN
TRUE LOVE
“Meep - I use it when I’m excited, sad, or in an awkward situation ... meep.”
Chelsea, Senior
#DAYDRUNK
ATTLE EPIC BEER BONG B
AM'S K C I S CLAS SESH BRO-
AUTOGRAPHS AND LOVE ADVICE
“Schmutz - A word my family uses to describe crumbs on the table or a fuzz on your shirt."
Maddie, Senior
“Tortugas - It’s Spanish for turtles.”
BARTENDERS of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single Major: Psychology Favorite Drink: Jäger Bomb Favorite Shot: Rumpy’s Disgusting Drink: Tequila tonic Do you consider yourself an ass man?: Can I put my dick in it? What drink is best in warm weather, but can’t be consumed in winter?: Booty sweat and tonic. What clothing change are you most excited for?: Tank tops into assless chaps. Put two words together to make a new, dirty word: Moist Flaps So I guess Obama was right about global warming, huh?: Ask Chinedu’s arms. What have you done for me lately?: Tossed your salad. Do you think the robots are listening to us right now?: Is pornhub.com a robot? Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Nip slips
Phil of Joe's
DRINKING GAME
Ashkan of Firehaus
Relationship Status: Depends who’s asking Major: Don’t remember Favorite Drink: The Joffrey Lannister Favorite Shot: Cinnamon Toast Crunch What drink is best in warm weather, but can’t be consumed in winter?: Urine (Cause it’s sterile and I like the taste). What clothing change are you most excited for?: Tuggies Put two words together to make a new, dirty word: Slamager - Manager you want to slam (Kimmons). So I guess Obama was right about global warming, huh?: So, I guess you couldn’t think of a better question, huh? What have you done for me lately?: Not read The Daily Illini Do you think the robots are listening to us right now?: I perform better in front of an audience. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: To avoid a conversation with Tiny Tim.
RECIPE for DISASTER
Final Paper Edition
Watermelon Margarita
Well, this is going to suck. But maybe writing your final paper for the semester won’t suck as much if you can’t remember how much it sucked! That’s right, you’re young and people still expect you to be irresponsible. Milk it for a little while longer! Grab a bottle and get to writing.
Summer’s just around the corner, and the warmer weather calls for some sweet treats to sip. We found a dainty little recipe for a watermelon margarita that pairs perfectly with chips and salsa or a lot of Coronas. Or both. Take your pick.
What You’ll Need: Microsoft Word, a bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey, spell check. Number of People: Just you, baby. Just you. Level of Intoxication: Enough to get you through the next 1,500 words. How to Play: - Go to your backpack and get out your prompt for your final paper. - Laugh and put it away without reading. You’re going to freestyle this one. - Take six-to-eight shots as fast as you can. Open Microsoft Word and get going. - After 10 minutes, when you make it through the first four pages of your paper, take a full cup of that bad boy. You’re going to need it. Everyone knows the hardest parts of papers are the last few pages. - Shit, did that last paragraph even make sense? Who cares. All you need is a D- and you pass the class. Also, even if it was all gibberish, it will still look a lot better than the paragraph before it where you copy and pasted the Declaration of Independence. - Rip another shot for creativity! How many has that been now? Who cares, this is a paper, not a math test. That last drip from the bottle should get you to the end of the paper. If not, just give up. You’re way too drunk.
What You’ll Need: 1 seedless watermelon cut into cubes, juice from 2 limes, 4 ounces silver tequila, 2 ounces orange flavored liqueur, 2-3 cups ice, sea salt, simple syrup and lime wedges Mix Time: 10 minutes Fatty Factor: Depends on how many Coronas you drink afterwards. Let’s Get Drunk: - Grab your blender and fill half of it with the cubed watermelon. - Add 2 cups of ice, the tequila, orange liqueur and lime juice. - Blend everything together until it’s nice and smooth. - Spread the sea salt out on a small plate. - Rub the lime wedge around the rim of your margarita class and dip it into the salt. - Pour in the margarita and garnish with the lime wedge. - If the drink isn’t sweet enough for you, add in some simple syrup. - Ole!
The Game Ends When: Nice job! You did it. Now that you’re finished with the paper, you’re all done with that class. Until next semester when you have to retake it, of course, because there’s no chance in hell you could’ve passed.
This recipe only makes 4 servings, so do the math and make enough to fill up your bathtub.
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PAGE 17
BOOZE REVIEW SHELLBACK CARIBBEAN SPICED RUM GRADE: A WRITTEN BY: TEX MEX
Last week, if you’ve been keeping up with this little Booze Review saga, you’d have noticed that we reviewed LTD Whiskey because, well, our first liquor of choice got the better of us. This week, we picked up the un-reviewed “Rum of Gods” again and made sure to take a photo of it while the night was still young. We still finished the bottle off that night, of course, but since we actually remembered the name of this gloriously tasty nectar this time around, we’re tallying that night up on the victory tab. Shellback Caribbean Spiced Rum is by far one of the most scrumptiously decadent rums that’s ever graced our livers, and we partly wish we had forgotten its name again just so we could have an excuse to buy yet another handle of it.
tude for the whole “Captain” side of things.
Smells Like: The type of liquor that will make your nose hairs join in on a massive orgy for not being burned to stubs for once.
What Tex Mex Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “Hopefully this makes up for the whole ‘Thanks for making me try out that shitty, cheap whiskey’ thing.”
Tastes Like: Neptune’s fronting the label on the handle, so picture the Roman God of the Sea himself force-feeding you a hurricane of rum spiced with caramelized honey and vanilla. Typical Drinkers: Roman nobility arriving through a time machine. Pirates, but like … older ones, man. People who like Captain'n’ Cokes but don’t really have the financial forti-
User Comments: “Hold up, we’re grabbing the Shellback again. It’s time to redeem ourselves.” “It’s got a chocolaty aftertaste, and it doesn’t even advertise it. That’s modest as shit.” “Wait … wait … okay, I got a picture of it this time so I don’t forget. Chug away.” “Alright, who’s up for karaoke? LET’S GO.” Best Described as a Lord Byron Quote: “There’s naught, no doubt, so much the spirit calms as rum and true religion.” (We assume the “true religion” bit just means “more rum.”)
Food Pairing Suggestions: Caviar, saffron, diamonds. You’ll Like This if You Like: Being perfectly OK with saying, “You know what? No, no I don’t want to settle for Captain or Bacardi tonight.” We Mixed it With: Coke, 7-UP, a fiery yearning for redemption.
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ASSHOLE CROSSING STREET UPSET WITH ASSHOLE DRIVING CAR University Tour Guides to Minor in Walking Backwards
JP Stevens wrote this Christopher Morgan was having a calm morning until he was nearly run over “by some idiot in a Pontiac.”
Winnie Bago wrote this Walking backwards will be the newest minor in the College of Applied Health Sciences come next fall. The minor is meant to give course credit to Illinois student tour guides. “They have very demanding jobs,” said Lynn Hopkins, assistant tour guide trainer. “This minor is another benefit guides can reap for all those hours of not knowing what the hell’s behind them at all times.” The minor is officially named "Reverse Strutting." Related courses for interested students can be found under Recreation, Sports and Tourism. Courses include, but are not limited to, Footwork 105, Stretching 200, and How to Have Eyes In Back of Your Head 101. Hopkins thinks that the toughest course in the minor is probably Memorization 322. As she puts it, tour guides must have a “big noggin” to retain a “butt-load of information.” “This minor is going to be really
fun and rewarding,” said Hopkins. “We’re hoping to create a calendar showcasing the most wicked calves of the program every year.” Tour guides say they feel “flattered” and “blessed” by the university’s new minor. Rain or shine, but typically more shine than rain, tour guides lead prospective students and families around campus. “They ask a ton of questions,” said Ken Hanson, student tour guide. “Don’t tell my adviser, but when I don’t know the answer, I just sort of bullshit it. It’s bad I know, but I don’t want students and families to think I’m not professional. I just hope to God I don’t have a know-it-all alumnus parent in the group when I do.” According to a whiteboard in Hopkins’ office, it’s been 1,453 days since the last tour guide backwardswalking accident. “That is a real accomplishment, we hold it in the highest regard around
here,” Hanson said. “So many klutzes on this campus can’t even walk forward.” Tour guides walk backward across intersections, up and down ramps, through constructions sites, and through piles of leaves, normally with relative ease. The new minor is designed to hone a tour guide’s skills in other areas of walking as well, possibly eliminating the danger of traversing through oncoming traffic in the future. “There’s one girl who’s destined to become a legend in the program,” Hanson said. “She gives tours in fourinch heels. Imagine those calves.” Registration for Reverse Strutting is currently limited to tour guides but will be opened up to the rest of campus after priority registration ends. Engineering and business majors are strongly encouraged to pick up the minor to help balance their skillsets, because it’ll do them a hell of a lot more good than a communication minor.
Witnesses said the driver of the vehicle, junior Mike Pitsch, was visibly angry with Morgan, who stepped out into traffic at the corner of Fourth Street and Armory Avenue. “Are you kidding me? Are you seriously fucking kidding me?” Pitsch yelled out loud, according to the witnesses. “YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, YOU IDIOT.” Morgan was unresponsive to Pitsch's screams and continued to cross the street without pausing to check for oncoming traffic. “What a dick,” Morgan said to himself, now walking slower and making eye contact with the driver. “Does he not know that I have the right of way or something? What an idiot.” University Safety Commissioner
Robert Parker said that last year alone, 27 students were killed after crossing at Fourth and Armory during rush hour. “Oh, no, no. Not from getting hit by a car or anything,” Parker later clarified. “Most of them were the results of a physical altercation following the arguments that happen when trying to cross the street. You know, normal stuff.” Parker recalled the most horrifying case when a driver was so upset with the pedestrian crossing the street
that he dragged him through the heart of campus on Green Street in order to “make it known” to everyone on campus that drivers weren't going to “stand for that crap any longer.” Police records show that man is now locked away in a heavily guarded gulag somewhere deep in Russia. But as for Pitsch’s plans for Morgan? “I just hit that shithead with a 40 ounce fountain drink from Taco Bell that I had sitting in my front seat,” Pitsch said. “Hope he learned his lesson.”
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JUNIOR RLST MAJOR REGISTERS FOR ROUGHEST SEMESTER YET TEX MEX WROTE THIS After a brutal six-semester run of assorted gen-eds and religion classes, junior RLST major Gregory Halbert has just registered for what may be his most difficult semester yet. The student noted that the concerns for his upcoming senior academic year are primarily rooted within the overall rigor of his courses and the fact this will be his first time taking more than twelve credit hours in a single semester. Upping the ante with a whopping 13 hours and five classes, Halbert is ready to accept that it’s time to stop “goofing off” and start taking college more seriously. “I did the math so many times, and no matter way I looked at it, there was absolutely no way I would be able to graduate on time if I didn’t push the envelope a little bit next semester,” commented Halbert as he scrolled through his “Week at a Glance” schedule while lightly perspiring. “Basically, at thirteen hours of class per week, I can say ‘goodbye’ to going out Mondays and Tuesdays before my usual five-day weekends start. I even have Thursday classes next semester – what the hell, right?” Halbert is at the point in his academic
career where he faces course numbers starting with the number “4,” as he has persistently dreaded advanced coursework within the RLST major ever since he impulsively declared it his sophomore year. However, the student claimed that he plans to balance out the types of classes he’ll be taking so he doesn’t “completely kill himself over this semester.” Aside from RLST 414: Advanced Biblical Hebrew, Halbert has expressed excitement over keeping his studies fresh and diverse without the blow-off courses he usually prides himself with. Other classes within his schedule include: KIN 104 (Skating Activities), Severe and Hazardous Weather (ATMS 120), PHIL 101 (Introduction to Philosophy), and the re-taking of LAS 100 after failing it freshman year. “I mean, yeah, it’s no cake walk,” said Halbert as he updated and organized his Google Calendar for the first time in three years. “I can totally see ATMS 120 throwing me a curveball. I really hope the exams aren’t as ‘Severe and Hazardous’ as that intimidating course title suggests! Philosophy shouldn’t be too
bad, but I did hear from a freshman currently enrolled in the course saying it was easy so long as you did the reading. I’ve done enough reading just reading about these courses in the catalog! I’m feeling a strong D+ for that one, though. Not every course can be a high C, you know?” In preparation for the hellish semester, Halbert has started to look up pictures of some of the libraries on campus, hoping to find the “right” one for his first allnighter. He’s also started drinking coffee on a daily basis, although he’s been sipping on decaf for the time being as he doesn’t want to “get addicted to the stuff.” Halbert has even started preemptive studying in order to get a head start for some of his classes, such as watching YouTube videos of professional figure skaters and ice hockey highlight reels. “I’m just taking things slow for now, you know?” whispered Halbert on the main floor of the Undergraduate Library. “I feel like this library might even be the right one for those upcoming late nights. The Internet is so spotty here, I have to wait at least five seconds before my newsfeed properly refreshes, and even longer for sites like Reddit and BuzzFeed to reload
images on the fly. It’s a different kind of experience, but it’s one that I’ll thank myself later for. Hell, I might even open up a blank Word doc and start fooling around with the header and footer during those long waits!”
the lot of them went in for fist bumps alongside exclamations of, “Dude, sick schedule! Senior year is going to be awesome!” and “Wow, you managed only 13 hours? You, sir, are truly a master at your craft for picking classes.”
Halbert is in for a baptism by fire next semester, and it’s only a matter of time before he’ll need to compromise with his social life as well. Speaking on how his friends reacted to his grave news,
Halbert’s friends just don’t get it, but he claimed that he’ll be the one with the last laugh amidst all his lazy peers. After all, if this doesn’t land him any Religious Studies internships, then what will?
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ten People You’ll See at This Summer’s Music Festivals tex mex wrote this
Well, it’s about that time of the year again. The time when millions of prospective concert-goers spend an arm and a leg on weekend-long summer music festivals without the slightest idea of who’s slated to perform. The pre-festival hype period is a time where parents’ bank accounts are mysteriously emptied of $300, old and new fans alike bitch and complain over whether or not this year’s lineup for a fest is complete shit or not, and drama ensues as you try to figure out who in the hell out of your friends is cool with driving to the stretches of the nation just to see someone you missed at a club show a month ago. Whether you’re an arrogant prick who hates humans and prefers smaller venues, or an obnoxious self-proclaimed hippie who loves nothing more than taking drugs at “festies” and shitting out rainbows, if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that festivals bring out the most diverse group of people outside of a UN meeting. Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, Pitchfork, Firefly, Electric Forest – doesn’t matter – be on the lookout for these 10 people who you are guaranteed to see, whether you like it or not.
ten people you’ll see at this summer’s music festivals
10.) Girls Wearing Flower Crowns
4.) The Kids who Pass out on Alcohol/Drugs
For whatever reason, coating their arms with badges of honor from every festival they’ve gone to so far isn’t colorful enough, in spite of the mold that’s growing on that Coachella bracelet. Flower crowns seem like a way to say “I’m earthly and care about nature” or some bullshit that would normally take a trending Tumblr image to explain. That’s at least all we can come up with, because there’s no way in hell that these things are actually being worn because they look good. Still, we’d take a ring of plastic flowers from Hobby Lobby over the majority of things that people dress themselves with at EDM fests.
Look, we’re not stupid; we understand that no amount of “just go to festivals for the MUSIC” PSAs aren’t stopping anyone from bringing along their favorite vodkas and illicit drugs. It’s a festival, for crissake. But you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who’s totally okay with some high school grad puking on his shoes halfway through a set from drinking warm Natty for three hours. The same can be said for people who roll a little too hard during the day. Too much ecstasy won’t leave as big of a mess, but no one likes the guy lugging his half-dead girlfriend out of the crowd, screaming as if this was a surprise to him.
3.) Younger Kids with Noise-Canceling Headphones on
7.) Someone Bitching about being Pushed and Shoved in a Crowd
We’re not knocking this at all since we’re so used to seeing the effects of bad parenting every time we walk past Perry’s Stage at Lolla. There’s nothing more heartwarming than seeing younger fellas enjoying themselves with responsible parents who actually don’t want their kids to become deaf at the tender age of six. We’re not really sure how an environment filled with alcohol and pot fumes really meshes with this, but goddammit, they’re trying.
Also known as the person who gives off a stark “Ugh…” as you try to assert yourself to the front of the stage, this is generally someone with a big enough sense of entitlement to put a teenager from SoCal to shame. For whatever reason, the fact that festivals are events designed for hundreds of thousands of people to occupy the same area at once isn’t something that registers for this poor soul who thinks a gentle tap on the shoulder is equivalent to being “like, so totally fucking rude…”
6.) Someone Trying to Validate their Taste in Music... at the Actual Festival 9.) The Saint who has a Spray Nozzle Attachment for his CamelBak One of the defining pastimes of music festivals is watching college kids braving 90-degree weather without water because they think they’re immune to heatstroke. When you’re packed like a sardine against thousands of sweaty, sticky people, the dude who sacrifices his own water supply for the sake of cooling off his sun-burned comrades is like God himself raining down from heaven. This guy usually dons a fishing cap with a smile, too. So, for as much as your passive aggressions build up dealing with drunken kids passing out, you’ll at least have one person to not loathe for the day.
“Oh, you actually wanna see Mumford & Sons over up-and-comers Hippopotamus Shits, who are clearly superior than that radio-tier garbage? Yeah, I’ll be over at the No Fun Stage where all the more low-key, experimental acts are for the day.” This is also the type of person willing to openly berate others for their choice in festival, often citing that “X festival is too ‘commercialized’ these days and that nobody goes for the music anymore.” This person derives their superiority complex from so-called open-mindedness, all the while sucking Pitchfork’s metaphorical dick.
8.) The 30-something-year-old Dude Who’s Only There for His Favorite Alt-Rock Band of the 90s
2.) The Towering Behemoth who’s Your Ticket to the Front of the Crowd
Not all of us were granted the God-given attribute of breaking the six-foot barrier, and that makes snaking through huge crowds more intimidating than progressive. For the vertically challenged, the train pretty much stops when you hit a wall of people who are more inclined to beat the ever-loving shit out of you than passively grouch at your advances. Enter the behemoth, otherwise known as the dude who’s getting to the front whether anyone likes it or not. Latching onto one of these suckers is a lot like being in a school of remora attached to a shark: The big dude won’t really care, and you’re safe from anyone closing gaps on you. What are they gonna do, tell your new, hulking friend that you can’t move up?
One of the select few at the fest who actually has the means to buy a ludicrously priced ticket, this guy is here for one reason and one reason only: to catch his favorite rock act from back in his teenage days, a group who’s just gotten back together or “one last tour.” Usually well-sun screened, sporting cargo shorts, New Balance gym shoes, and a black shirt that proudly displays the band’s logo, he’s completely okay with sitting on the grass hundreds of yards away from any actual stage. He’s a nice guy, just don’t talk about the band. “What’s your favorite song?” will quickly turn into “How would you analyze the band’s aesthetic moving from genre-togenre within their entire catalogue, EPs included?” real fast.
5.) The VIP-bracelet Noblemen who Look Down upon Us Peasants from their Golf Carts 1.) More Bands You Don’t Care about Than Ones You Do Even when tickets sell out faster than you can spam “F5,” no one in their right mind actually considers spending the extra thousand dollars for a VIP pass. We’re too poor to dabble with that sorcery, but we assume that whoever’s riding on a VIP pass definitely is a “very important person,” or at least knows someone important enough to have a shit ton of cash. As they golf cart to and from the air-conditioned VIP lounge, all the rest of us “standard 3-day” people can do nothing but wallow in their awesome might … and lament on the fact that we’d honestly rather joy ride in a golf cart for three days than feel the heat of the sun and buyer’s remorse pelting us from above.
It sucks, but it’s true. From the moment the day-by-day schedule comes out and conflicts knock your lineup of a whopping 50 acts to a measly 15, you’ll realize that you’re not going to see your favorite headliner up close without sitting through at least 3 or 4 bands that you’d rather drink paint than watch. If the mediocre lineup reveal jumpstarted that buyer’s remorse, this is usually the second helping. The Black Sheep understands that heavy drinking is hazardous on such hot summer days, but you’d better drink up at this point, because that two-piece indie folk band isn’t getting better anytime soon.
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