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Volume 25
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Issue 13
STEPDAD TO PROVE HE’S
JUST AS COOL AS REAL DAD KT wrote this Dads Weekend at the University of Illinois is the time of year for fathers to make the trek to good ole’ Urbana-Champaign, drunkenly bond with their kids over how much of a fuck-up Little Billy’s become and pretend they have any interest in their child’s education. For most dads, this weekend is a chance to chill and see how much (or how little) their kids have grown up, but for others, it’s the perfect opportunity to prove how “hip” they are. Sophomore Alex Winston celebrated this year’s Dads Weekend in a different way than most. Upon finding out that his father was unable to attend, Winston’s stepfather Rick stepped up to the plate to perform the paternal duties he has always been afraid to cross boundaries for. “When I found out Alex’s dad couldn’t make it, I figured he needed some sort of father figure in his life. A boy his age needs parental guidance, and since I only see him every other major holiday, I figured I could finally impart some of my fatherly wisdom onto him,” stated Rick, who has no actual children of his own. “I also want Alex to think of me as the ‘cool stepdad,’ unlike the stick-in–the-mud of a father he has… with his stupid, flawless smile, his godforsaken six-figure job and his incredibly gorgeous new trophy wife... HE’S NOT EVEN THAT COOL. I DON’T CARE.”
The weekend started with Winston and Rick getting dinner at Outback Steakhouse, for a “real man’s dinner at a value price.” Rick reportedly kept offering his stepson sips of his appletini when their server wasn’t watching, Alex denied it each time. After one particularly close encounter of Rick sliding the drink over to Winston in an attempt to avoid the waitress’ glance at their table, Rick spilled the drink all over himself then proceeded to lick it off his shirt. “Now son, here is a life lesson I’m sure your hag of a father hasn’t taught you,” said Rick as he attempted to sop up the extra liquid of the spilled appletini with his tongue. “Never waste anything that you’ve paid for. This appletini cost me $8, and you can sure bet I won’t let a single drop go to waste.” After patrons had complained about a man giving himself head at the table, Winston and Rick were kicked out of Outback Steakhouse, where they decided to head back to campus for a night out at KAM’S. Already intoxicated from his appletini, Rick wanted to impress his stepson even more with how cool he was. “Hey Alex… do you want a beer, or one of those blue men?” slurred Rick, with an overemphasized wink at his suggestion of underage drinking. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell your mother. This will be our little
secret.” After two Blue Guys, Rick passed out at KAM’S on the dance floor. He was reportedly doing an extremely violent version of the sprinkler, and began to
vomit profusely until he finally passed out. His stepson drove him back to the hotel after the incident, where Rick stayed asleep for seventeen straight hours. “You see son, this is how you drink. I’ll bet
your no-good father hasn’t showed you how to party like the old lean mean RickMachine,” Rick stated when he woke up the next evening. “Just call me ‘Dad’ and get ready for round two next year, I’m bringing my Margaritaville Maker!”
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PAGES 20-21
STUDENT’S BRAIN BREAKS AFTER BEING ASKED “CAN I BORROW A PENCIL?”
TOP 10: THINGS YOUR DAD WILL SAY DURING DADS WEEKEND
TERRIBLE BOYFRIEND NEGOTIATES THREE-WAY
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THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear Tex Mex, Just like many other Illini, my dad’s coming down for this weekend, but I have no idea how to entertain him for a whole three days. Like, I can’t just drop him off with all the other dads on the Quad and tell him to “play nice.” I have to have a whole goddamn weekend planned out for my old man! What do dads like? Sincerely, A Strung-out Son Dear Second-rate Spawn, Aw, come on, man! You’re telling me you have no idea how to hang out with your own father for a weekend? Unless he’s one of those hard-ass military dads who’s immediately going to start giving you shit for ruining all of
the hopes and dreams he was hoping to vicariously achieve through you, figuring out how to kill some time with your pop should be a no brainer. First off, what does he like? Music? Food? Beer? The timelessness of the Quad? Beer? Hell, U of I has all of that right under your feet, dude. What, your dad likes to jam out to Zeppelin or whatever’s on his dad rock playlist? Go to downtown Champaign or Urbana and check out one of those “grown up” bars that you’re still trying to avoid at 22. Coincidentally, those bars will have food along with live music, and hey, did you know they’d have beer too? Who would’ve thought! Your dad will think you’re one cool, trendy sonofabitch.
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Then again, if you really want him to see what his thousands of dollars are paying for every semester, grab a halfpriced burger at Joe’s and day drink until you both start asking those uncomfortable, real-talk conversations that you probably should’ve been having at an earlier age rather than letting it snowball into something weird as all hell. Son… have I ever told you about the time you were conceived in the back of your grandfather’s pickup truck when I was courting your mother? Yeah, stick to Farren’s or Black Dog this weekend. No one needs to hear that shit. Not even you. With all the fatherly love in the world, Tex Mex
STUDENT SPOTLIGHT PAGE 5 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Student’s Brain Breaks after Being Asked
“Can I Borrow a Pencil?” Dan Mirabelli wrote this
Jennifer Anderson’s brain reportedly broke last week after being asked if she had an extra pencil for the 7th time in a single week. Sophomore Kevin Davis was the straw that broke the Anderson’s brain, asking her if he could borrow a pencil for the second day in a row to fill out a Scantron. After her episode, Anderson has been since reduced to a stuttering, shaking mess unable to function in society. We were able to get Anderson to speak with us about the event, but it was very hard to understand her during her spastic outbursts. “Well, Jimmy COCKSUCKER asked to borrow a GODDAMN pencil last week for like, the fifth MILLIONTH time, and I just lost it,” Anderson stated. Unable to understand her in her weakened state, we were able to get ahold of one of her friends to relay the tale to us. “What Jenny is saying is people, especially guys, always just assume they can roll into class unprepared and expect people to
cover for them,” Anderson’s friend, Kelsa O’Neill, said angrily. “And they always assume us girls have extra pencils. And we do, but just because we came ready to learn doesn’t mean that we want their grubby mitts all over them!” she continued. “We had a quiz ASSHOLE!,” Anderson yelped. “How can you not bring a pencil to a quiz?” Anderson then began to sob uncontrollably as O’Neill told us she needed some time to rest. Kevin Davis, the student responsible for Anderson’s meltdown, cannot believe the results of his actions have ended in Anderson losing her mind. “Honestly, I had a pencil in my pocket, I was just looking for an excuse to talk to her,” Davis said sadly. “Now, I’ll never be able to talk to her without her yelling some expletive in my face. Crissake, I can’t even flirt with a girl without giving her a mental breakdown.”
Davis has brought Anderson flowers every day since in an attempt to make up for his actions. However he has received no response other than being told to “Get the hell out of here JACKASS!” Anderson’s parents are very upset over their daughter’s condition, but they don’t solely blame Davis for their daughter’s woes. The Andersons believe that any student that asked their daughter for a pencil is to blame, and any student that has ever asked anyone for a pencil is part of the problem. “People always ask if they can have a cigarette when they see me smoking, and it makes me sick,” Mrs. Anderson said between drags of her Marlboro Reds. “If I was walking down the street eating a granola bar, would you stop me and ask if you could have one? No, you wouldn’t. So why is asking for a cigarette any different?” she questioned in her gravelly voice. We reminded Mrs. Anderson that this was about her daughter’s broken brain and
not her cigarette expendability, but she asserted that it was the same problem. “Where do these kids get off asking if they can bum a pencil? Buy your own pack of pencils, you degenerates!” While it became clear where Jennifer’s mental instability came from, Mrs. Anderson continued complaining. “We can’t take Jenny out in public anymore, let alone church. It’s heartbreaking,” Anderson’s mother sighed as she took another puff. “I mean, I can’t have my daughter yelling
out nasty things like ‘PENCIL THIEVING PRICK’ in the middle of a sermon. Can you imagine? We’d look like such heathens.” While it’s unclear as to whether Anderson will recover from her mental breakdown, the situation serves as a stark reminder for those who ask others for pencils during class. Students must remember that what may seem like an innocent request from a forgetful peer can sometimes be the final straw on another student’s overtaxed mind.
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STUDEN SPOTLIGHT
STRUGGLING PHYSICS 101 STUDENTS THOROUGHLY UNIMPRESSED
BY CLASSROOM DEMONSTRATIONS Squirrel Man wrote this Physics 101 is a five-credit-hour course, and a notorious weed-out class for many engineers and non-engineers – it’s the kind of class that makes students wonder if college is really the right path for them. Each semester, a high number of sleepless nights come as the direct result of this stressful introductory physics course. That explains why a multitude of students remain less than amused by Physics 101’s classroom demonstrations. “I don’t get what the point of these demonstrations is,” commented Elaine Shepardini, just one of many who’s required to take Physics 101 for whatever reason. “Who cares if two different discs roll down a ramp at the same time? I mean, it’s cool to watch, but I don’t see how it’ll help me on the exams, or life for that matter.” C l a s s ro o m d e m o n s t r a t i o n s a re characteristic of 100- and 200- level physics courses, and the only people who appear excited about them are
the professors. Case in point, Professor Sterling Figgis claims that these fun little experiments are the most important part of his Physics 101 class. “What better way is there to teach young adults about the wonders of the physical world than through firsthand presentations?” he asked. Professor Figgis then spent the ensuing three hours tinkering away at his “compressing a heated soda can in ice water” experiment, madly giggling to himself all the way. Professor Figgis is passionate about encouraging his students to appreciate science. He’s a lot like Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye the Science Guy, except still teaching state school undergraduates. So he attempts to “wow” his students with pendulums, carts, and pulleys. He believes that such demonstrations will give students a better understanding of concepts like rotational inertia and the conservation of momentum, as well as a general fascination for physics. Unfortunately, they do not.
“How can he think this is fun?” asked another struggling student. “Every week I stay up until three in the morning working on bullshit LON-CAPA homework. I usually end up having to find most of the answers online. At the very least, the professor could spend more time explaining how to solve this shit. Seriously, I haven’t taken a physics class since high school, and I didn’t even understand it back then.” The student, clearly keeping his frustration pent up for an entire semester, vehemently continued his rant. “Besides, all I care about is getting a good grade in this class. Physics 101 is worth five credit hours, so if I fuck it up, it could tank my GPA within my first year at this school. I might even have to stay here for an extra semester. So, you know, I can’t say I enjoy these classroom demonstrations as much as Professor Figgis does.”
student lets go of a bowling ball on a rope and watches as the ball returns right in front of him, there appears to be positive feedback from the audience. But any genuine appreciation of these experiments on the students’ behalf is tarnished by their anxiety over the upcoming exam.
That isn’t to say Figgis’ demonstrations go without applause. Indeed, when a
Still, Figgis asserts that classroom demonstrations can be a wonderful
way of showing how science applies to our everyday lives, even to Physics 101 students who embrace countless Red Bull-fueled study binges because they struggle to figure out the algebra behind Newtonian mechanics. “Oh, look at this! The kids are going to love this one, I swear!” exclaimed Figgis with glee as he readied to snuff a lit candle of its oxygen. “Where did the fire go? Well, where did it go? You tell me!”
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Illini Dads Offended by Friday Night’s Expendables 3 Showing Tex Mex wrote this
“Like, of course they would choose Expendables 3 for Dads Weekend,” scoffed just one of the hundreds of other dads who vocalized their discontent with the film’s screening. “I mean, I am a dad after all, which means I’m always looking for the next injection of pure adrenaline and testosterone in the form of burly, machine gun-toting action heroes shoving their respective bravados down each other’s throats. Gee, what ever would us dads do without our daily dose of explosions and bloodshed? Give me a break.” Several dads felt that the Illini Union Board simply chose the high-octane Expendables 3 based upon dated stereotypes that most dads today find incredibly offensive.
Tex Mex wrote this
NAPERVILLE – Excited for the upcoming Dads Weekend festivities, sophomore Katie Summers’ dad has been reportedly looking forward to drunkenly hitting on his daughter’s friends at campus bars for the second year in a row.
CHAMPAIGN – When approached by their uncomfortable sons, “Hey, Dad… I heard they were showing Expendables 3 at the Union if you wanted to go,” dads all across campus responded with a resounding, “Ugh.” Effectively dampening the celebration of their Dads Weekend, several fathers were appalled by the fact that the Illini Union Board would choose such a stereotypically, overly-macho movie to play during their weekend.
DAD EAGER TO HIT ON DAUGHTER’S HOT FRIENDS THIS WEEKEND “I really think this year’s going to be even better, assuming Firehaus has lifted their ban against me,” remarked Mr. Summers as he practiced pickup lines about still being the “biggest” man on campus. “Katie’s friends were really cool about last year, too. This is going to be great.” An avid fan of American Beauty, Mr. Summers has spent the past year bench pressing in his garage and smoking weed to put him back into his college physique, all while mending his damaged relationship with his daughter and wife when he has downtime. Mr. Summers claims that, if it weren’t for Katie’s efforts to cockblock her old man, he “totally could’ve gotten it in her friend Stacie.”
“It’s not even a good movie for crissake,” grumbled another dad with his arms folded. “Like, why does society assume that dads have to be into overthe-top action movies? Not all dads are like that. Why couldn’t they show Silver Linings Playbook or something? I watched that last week on Netflix and I cried for the better half of it. But no, I guess that film’s just not manly enough for us strong, masculine alpha males…”
“Stacie was just like, really cool, you know?” Mr. Summers said defensively. “She was just so easy to talk to, and she just… she just gets me, you know? Like, it’s not like we didn’t have anything in common with each other. I was totally into molecular biology just as much as she was. There’s nothing… weird about that or anything.” Considering his daughter’s absolute disgust toward her father’s actions last year, Mr. Summers was surprised when Katie allowed him to come down for another Dads Weekend of awkward, patriarchal sexual frustration.
Many dads have already started campaigns boycotting future Dads Weekends until the Illini Union Board stops treating dads like stilted caricatures that haven’t been okay since the 1980s. Several members of the board predict that the flower fair at next year’s Moms Weekend may suffer the same backlash.
“Yeah, she gave me the date and everything,” exclaimed a creepily horny Mr. Summers. “It’s the weekend of the 21st, right? I think they just didn’t update the site. Either way, it’s a good thing it’s not this weekend. I still need the extra time to tone up the ol’ pelvic region with my thrust workouts.”
current events
ISR Students Migrating to the XBOX in Greg’s Room Jupiter Stevens wrote this
URBANA – The Illinois Street Residence Hall has reported an alarming amount of movement from its students towards Greg’s room in the past couple of days, one RA reported. The Urbana residence hall, known for its students living in isolation, isn’t accommodated for student movement at such an extreme rate, according to the University of Illinois’ resident handbook on student housing. “The only time I’ve seen this type of movement by such a large flock of students was when Jimmy Patson nearly beat the Super Mario 64 speed-run record on Nintendo 64 back in ‘98,” said university housing official Greg Ackerson. “You only really see kids moving around a lot when something big is happening in the gaming world.” Freshman Kenneth Wickers told The Black Sheep the students have been traveling “in hordes” to the comfort of student Greg Thomlinson’s room, where he recently
installed an HDMI splitter that allows split-screen gameplay to be seen on two separate television screens.
direction to travel through the smell of farts and beef jerky coming from Greg’s room: Room 335.
“I’ve... I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Wickers, who admitted this was the first time he had seen another human being in over three weeks. “I didn’t know so many other people lived here.”
“It’s great to see us all in one place like this,” Wickers said. “Now only if people would stop accusing each other of cheating when they get killed in CoD or arguing over whose turn is next before each game of Smash Bros.”
There are concerns about the students traveling in a large group, according to one ISR employee, who was seen defensively clutching a broom stick, unsure what to do. “What about their health? Like, what happens when they all get together?” the employee said. “Their immune systems aren’t used to other people – especially not other slobs like themselves. I mean, that guy over there is drinking Mtn. Dew... out of an old Doritos bag.” B e c a u s e t h e re wa s n o ve r b a l communication between the students in the residence hall prior to the migration, Wickers said they were able to sense which
Wickers said there have been a few altercations among the group concerning the rules and regulations of gameplay, but all-in-all the students have been getting along. “I mean, yeah, we’re having our fights here and there,” Wickers said over a loud commotion following a finishing move in Mortal Kombat. “But we know not to treat our own kind with an overt amount of disrespect or unfairness. We are the same species, after all.” Ackerson, who is the head of the third floor employees, said that their level of ISR has
never smelled so foul in his time there. “You can practically see the stink lines coming off that fat, pimply kid with the World of Warcraft makeup on,” Ackerson said, pointing at a seemingly motionless blob sitting against a wall in the corner, holding a slushie in his right hand. “I mean, Jesus. Don’t these guys ever get outside?” The ISR employee caused an explosive ruckus when he tried to open a window in one of the rooms in order to let the boiling stench out.
“WHAT IS THAT?” one student resident yelled out in an unsettling mix of fear and anger when a glare came across his screen. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I JUST DIED BECAUSE OF THAT.” Ackerson quickly exited and slammed the door behind him as tensions began to rise over a ruling on the easy head shot caused by the glow on the screen. “It’s madness in there,” Ackerson said, breathing heavily with his back against the door. “Thank God this shit rarely happens.”
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GIRL IN BLACKHAWKS JERSEY CLAIMS TO BE
“JUST ONE OF THE GUYS” Kevin Mallin wrote this
As Odell neared the end of her spiel, a guy wearing a backwards Hawks hat passed by, whom she slapped assuredly on the shoulder. As he turned around, clearly surprised, Odell flicked her head up at him, perfectly executing the “male recognition nod,” and said, “Nice hat, dude.” She then turned back around before shrugging her shoulders up, and sniffed exaggeratedly. To vet Odell’s claim, we talked to her friend, sophomore Chuck Renolds, with whom Odell frequently watches various sporting competitions.
THINGS YOUR DAD WILL SAY
DURING DADS WEEKEND
A time-honored tradition on the University of Illinois campus, Dads Weekend is rapidly approaching. Unfortunately, this weekend turns out to be routine each year, so The Black Sheep can guess the top then things your dad will inevitably say. 10.) “C’mon, what do you want?”: Trying to convince your dad that you’ve suddenly become financially responsible is a mighty feat. Unfortunately, your dad is clever enough to see through your transparent act and is ready to call you out on your bullshit when you insist that all you want at Fat Sandwich is “a water.”
The Chicago Blackhawks’ recent success, and more recent almost-success, has attracted a lot of bandwagon fans to the team, but sophomore Sue Odell claims that she’s for real. “People just think I don’t like sports because I’m a girl,” Odell said, straightening a Toews jersey over her black leggings. “But I’ve always loved hockey, look.” Odell then opened up Facebook on her phone, and pointed matter-of-factly at a picture of her as a baby, swaddled in a Blackhawks blanket with a fleece Cubs hat pulled over her head. “See?” Before anyone could mention that she looked no different than any other Chicagoan baby born in 1995, Odell was quick to differentiate herself from the veritable plague of girls wearing Hawks jerseys that started to appear as October neared. “I have a lot of friends that just act like they like hockey for their boyfriends or whatever,” Odell said, rolling her eyes. “They probably couldn’t even name any players aside from Toews and Kane,” she explained, before running down the current Blackhawks roster, her eyes locked in place, as if she had entered trancelike ascendance.
THE TOP TEN
9.) “Don’t be a pussy.”: Your dad may have taught you everything you know about drinking, but he hasn’t taught you everything he knows. You still can’t figure out how he can put away a fifth of Jack without teetering over with the slightest of stumbles. Stiffen up your stomach and throw back that shot, because it’s going to be a long night with your old man. 8.) “Who the hell designed the parking on this campus?”: Whether you’re parking for three hours or ten minutes, you’re never going to find a convenient spot. At the expense of pushing your already morbidly frustrated dad over the edge, stop him from making another trip around the block and just walk the extra mile.
“Yeah, I mean, she’s pretty cool,” Renolds said. “She always brings a case of beer, but only has one or two cans, and then forgets to take it home,” he said. “It’s kinda weird that she wears black makeup under her eyes when she watches the game with us. I thought that was a baseball thing.”
call.”
“It’s kinda weird that she wears black makeup under her eyes when she watches the game with us. I thought that was a baseball thing.”
Senior Dale Evans does not see the seasonal “pretending to care about sports” trend coming to an end any time soon. “Well, as the weather gets progressively more abysmal, there becomes a sort of a lull in things for people to get excited about, and now with hockey season starting, all that pent-up energy has to go somewhere,” Evans explained. “People need to pretend to care about something – anything, really - and professional hockey has dwelled in obscurity for quite a while, which adds to its attractiveness. Maybe not as obscure as caring about soccer every four years, but it’s pretty damn close.”
Renolds’ roommate, Tom Harris, also remarked on Odell’s strange behavior. “She’s always really, really into it,” Harris explained. “Like, way more than any of us. And most of the time she gets riled up, it’s at the wrong time.” One time she violently yelled at me for walking across the TV to grab a beer, screaming about some superstition about me moving having an effect on the game’s outcome. It was just an icing
However, Evans urged not to panic, especially in the wake of the 2014 midterm elections. “Elections always take the heat off of whatever everyone is currently pretending to care about at the moment,” she explained, pointing to a timeline of peoples’ feigned interests over the last ten years. “People love to pretend to care about politics, so if we’re lucky, that will tide us over until Oscar season.”
7.) “Are you going to that ‘Red’s Lion’ place later?”: Knowing your dad, he’s always just slightly off when it comes to how you spend your social time. Though he may sound a little nerdy, props to him for making an effort to take on Lion. Humor him a little and let him experience both the magic of Illini nightlife and the horror of an Illini morning-after. 6.) “I’ve got $20, someone make a beer run.”: There are few days during the year when your dad is truly the king of the family: his birthday, Father’s Day, and Dads Weekend. He may be coming to visit you, but only because you’re obligated to cater to his every whim. After the torturous ride on I-57, your dad deserves to kick back and work you like a pledge bitch from Friday to Sunday. 5.) “This is what I’m paying $30,000 a year for?”: With crushed beer cans cluttering the floor of your apartment and a large bong poorly hidden behind a limp ficus, your dad is less than impressed with your living arrangement. Once he notices the use of $200 textbooks to prop up one edge of the broken table, you can bet the rest of your weekend will be one long lecture about ”responsibility.” 4.) “Hey [insert name of acquaintance from 10 years ago]!”: You remember so-and-so, right Susie? The guy from that thing 10 years ago. No? Ah, well, your dad’s going to talk to him for over an hour anyways while you shuffle your feet and play Candy Crush on your iPhone. 3.) “Wasn’t the Alma Mater green?”: You told your dad at least three times about Alma’s restoration. In fact, you’re pretty sure he visited when the Alma Mater wasn’t even here. Yet, his selective hearing seems to have tuned you out on this one. Rather than explain the whole story, glance at it and exclaim, “Those damn kids painted it again!” 2.) “Touchdown!” (Hopefully): Your dad didn’t drive three hours to sit in the cold and watch players run around with their heads up their asses. Do yourselves a favor and treat this like you would any other football game without your dad by skipping straight to the drinking. 1.) “Are we planning on doing this again next year?”: Dads Weekend is really just one big obligation. From the struggles to finding a hotel room to the pressure of properly entertaining your dad, the weekend turns out to be more work than your entire semester’s course load. Kat Vandelay wrote this
09
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Sunday Night’s Show: RL GRIME with BRANCHEZ, TOMMY KRUISE and KYRAL x BANKO
THROWBACK THURSDAY: Sexy School Girl Night All Schoolgirl Barstaff $1 FIREBALL, $2 UV Vodka
THURSDAY: J-Phlip, $12, 10pm w/ DJ Belly and Autostep
Wednesday 11/12
$0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Long Islands
K THEORY with DIRTY DI$CO and KRUCIAL
No Womp Wompsday! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Thursday 11/13
$1 Wells, $2 Fireball, $2 PBR Tall Boys, $3 Long Islands
DESERT DWELLERS with PSYDELL and HOOD E KLIMATE
Sexy School Girl Night Throwback Thursday All Schoolgirl Barstaff $1 FIREBALL, $2 UV Vodka
J-Phlip, $12, 10pm w/ DJ Belly and Autostep
Friday 11/14
$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles, $3 Calls, $3 Vegas Bombs, $7 Domestic Pitchers
MANSION ON THE MOON with NO LIMITS and SAVE THE CLOCKTOWER
Welcome Dads! Open at 5pm Free Grilled Cheese starting at 6pm with any beverage purchase $3 Bud Light Tallboys
Outbound Drive, $5, 10PM
Saturday 11/15
Dad’s Day! $3 Bud Light Tall Boys, $3 Captain Morgan, $6 Three Olives LIT Pitchers
GIRLS NEXT DOOR: One Night Only! (Early Show!) African Cultural Association REGGAE PARTY (Late Show!)
Welcome Dads! Open at 8am Free Shuttle Bus to the Game! $2 Mimosas
Nadafinger, $5, 9pm
Sunday 11/16
Closed
RL GRIME with BRANCHEZ, TOMMY KRUISE and KYRAL x BANKO
Book your Next Party or Event at The Clybourne! CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
Monday 11/17
$2 Doubles, $5 Bud Light/Budweiser Pitchers
Book your Next Party or Event at The Clybourne! CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Book Your Next Party at Cowboy Money!
Tuesday 11/18
$1 Wells, $1 Domestic Drafts, $1 Martinis & Free Pub Trivia
CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE!
Come laugh at some of campus’ best comedians! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas! NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)
WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $2 Wells $2 Beam Fire
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 8:45pm
Wednesday 11/19
$0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Long Islands
Alpha Gamma Rho’s FOXY LADY CONTEST (Early Show!) JOE MARCINEK BAND with BRAINCHILD (Late Show!)
No Womp Wompsday! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY
feat. ANDREW HEDGES and THE THREADS
$2 Slices of Manolos and $1 Drinks NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM THE BAR GRID SAT: OPEN AT 8AM! SERVING BREAKFAST! Free Shuttle Bus to the Game Starting at 9am! Illinois vs Iowa 11am
NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s
SUNDAY! Kickstand Presents: Circa Survive w/ Title Fight 6pm, $20/adv, $23/door
TUESDAY: No Cover @ the 8th Grade Dance
SPECIAL NIGHT
KARAOKE NIGHT 10pm $1 SHOTS, $2 Fireball Bud Mug Night! You Keep The 25oz Mug!
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Freshmen Night No Cover Under 25
Wednesday 11/12
Bulls vs Raptors 7pm Bills vs Dolphins 7pm $1 WELLS - NO COVER! $1 TACO’S from 4pm-10pm $2 Bud Light
$3 ANY Draft $4 White Russians
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
Redd, White and Boom! $2 Redd’s, $2 Jaeger Bombs and $2 Blue Moons
Thursday 11/13
Welcome Dad’s FREE SHUTTLE BUS to the Basketball Game! Blackhawks vs Red Wings 6:30pm
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
The Steepwater Band w/ James Jones Trio $10, 7pm DJ Delayney at 10pm, $5
Book Your Next Event Here
Friday 11/14
OPEN AT 8AM! SERVING BREAKFAST! Free Shuttle Bus to the Game Starting at 9am! Illinois vs Iowa 11am
Bring Your Dad to Guido’s!
Pygmalion Presents: The Life and Times, $10, 6:30pm De Noche, Salsa Dancing, Drink Specials! 9pm
Contact us at joesbrewery@gmail.com
Saturday 11/15
BEARS vs VIKINGS Noon $2 Anything Sundays! Blackhawks vs Stars 6pm This Game is Not On Local TV! Patriots vs Colts 7pm
NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s
Kickstand Presents: Circa Survive w/ Title Fight 6pm, $20/adv, $23/door
Beers, Bears and $4 Spazzles
Sunday 11/16
Steelers vs Titans 7pm BULLS vs CLIPPERS 9:30pm $1 Bud Light Drafts HALF PRICE APPS 4-10pm
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
MNJ
Monday 11/17
HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $2 Wells, $2 Bud Light Drafts HALF PRICE BURGERS 4-10pm
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
No Cover @ the 8th Grade Dance
Tuesday 11/18
KARAOKE NIGHT 10pm $1 SHOTS, $2 Fireball Bud Mug Night! You Keep The 25oz Mug!
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Sophomore Night: No Cover Under 24
Wednesday 11/19
The only shirt you need for football season
Only
$12 with a FREE Koozie!
THE BAR GRID DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
Friday and Saturday: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Wednesday 11/12
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
Thursday 11/13
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
order by monday blacksheepswag.com
KAM'S SATURDAY: Dad’s Day! ILL vs Iowa at 11, Open 7am Dad’s Pint Glasses, Shirts, and 1/4 Zips All Weekend! Bud #UpForWhatever Party w/ Bud Girls & DJ Delicato
$2 Platinum, $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 16oz Cans, $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 3 Olives & Cuervo Drinks, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Paddy’s
Senior Night - No Cover 21+
Fireball Girls 11pm, $10 Bud Lt Buckets (U Pick 5), $6 Pitchers, $3.50 Stella Drafts, $3 UV Drinks, $2 Fireball, $6 Bacardi Fish Bowls KamIslands (Limit 2/Night) HOT DEAL: $1.50 ROLLING ROCK BTLS
Dads Day w/ DJ Delicato at 10! Coors Lt Refresherator Fridge Giveaway ILL Basketball vs GSU 8pm
Friday 4 o’Clock Club 1/2 Price Appetizer 4 ‘til 5
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night
Thirsty Thursday! No Cover! $2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Beers
$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot
BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
Friday 11/14
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Saturday 11/15
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Sunday 11/16
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Get ready for NYE at Kam’s! Check bit.ly/KamsNYE
Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS
$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers
Monday 11/17
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Monday Nite Football Open 7:30pm $2 U Call It “Get it All Here”
Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale
Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30
Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR
Tuesday 11/18
1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Country Night! $3 Big Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles, $7.50 “5” Bottle Buckets, $1.50 Drafts, $2 Moonshine Drinks & Shots, $2 Beam Fire Shots, $4 Big Beam Fire & Ginger, Drink in Your MASON JARS!
No Cover! ALL Drafts on sale
Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers
Wednesday 11/19
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night
Free Shuttle Bus to Game: Shoot Hoops to Win Tix, Dads Pint Glasses, Shirts & 1/4 ZIPS & Kam’s Signs, $2.50 Coors Lt/Lite Drafts
Dad’s Day! ILLINI FOOTBALL! ILL vs Iowa at 11am, Open 7am
PreGame Party with the Coors Lt 7-11am Bloody Mary Bar, Free Shuttle to Game Dads Day Pint Glasses, Shirts & 1/4 ZIPS
St Jude’s Fundraiser – Date Auction 8pm, Party w/ Bud Girls & DJ Delicato
$2 Platinum, $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 16oz Cans, $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 UV Drinks, $3 Blue Guys
THE BAR GRID Paper Scissor Rock Tourney Every Tuesday in November! Sponsored by Rolling Rock
TUESDAY: $2 Domestic Drafts
$3 Premium Drafts $0.40 Wings (5-10pm, dine-in only)
SATURDAY: Open to the Public at Noon! Free Shuttle Bus to and From the Game! 11am ILLINI vs IOWA
Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
MONDAY $1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM
SPECIAL NIGHT
Logo Glass Day $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hamms
$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)
$4 Cruzan Buckets $2 Beam Fire
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
Wednesday 11/12
$2.50 Specialty Pints and Bottles Beam Girls at 11!
10 for $10 Coors Light 7oz Bottles $4.25 Martinis
Shacker Night $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Jack, Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM
Thursday 11/13
Dad’s Weekend! $5 Double Wild Turkey or Skyy $3 Sam Adams Family and Angry Orchard Pints
$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 16oz Cans
Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles Cracked Truck at 7pm
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM
Friday 11/14
Dad’s Weekend! $3 20oz Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts
$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 20oz Drafts w/ Keeper Cup
Open to the Public at Noon Free Shuttle Bus to and From the Game! 11am ILLINI vs IOWA
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Captain, Crown, & 3 Olives Drinks $3 20oz Miller/Coors Drafts
Saturday 11/15
Trivia Night! $2 Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite and Rolling Rock Drafts
5 for $12 Domestic Buckets $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6.95 All You Can Eat Spaghetti & Garlic Bread (5-10pm, dine-in only)
Book your next Party or Event at RED LION! Call 217-722-9000 or email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com
$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp
Sunday 11/16
Bingo Night $4.50/$3.50 Mighty Mugs of PBR and Hamms
$2 Domestic Bottles $6 Personal 10in Pizza w/ 1 Topping (5-10pm, dine-in only)
MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 HOT STUFF $3 MONSTER VODKA’S
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM
Monday 11/17
Paper Scissors Rock Tourney $2 Tall Boys
$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Premium Drafts $0.40 Wings (5-10pm, dine-in only)
SENIOR NIGHT $2 LONG ISLANDS, $2 WELLS $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES Bags Tourney at 9pm
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY
Tuesday 11/18
Logo Glass Day $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hamms
$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)
$4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Beam Fire $3 Jim Beam $3 Bud Light Aluminum Btls
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers, $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
Wednesday 11/19
PARTY PICS!
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What’s one change U of I could make that you’d be thankful of this Thanksgiving?
LAKEN
“No more bicycles allowed.”
EVAN
“English-speaking TAs.”
FRANNY
“Hot boys.”
BARTENDERS of the WEEK
TAYLOR of JOE’S
Relationship status: Wait, what day is it? Major: I don’t even go here. Favorite drink: Anything free. Favorite shot: Jagerbomb Disgusting drink: Virgin drinks What alcohol would be best to spike with gravy?: Chopin, because it’s potato vodka and it makes sense. Which Thanksgiving dinner staple needs to be replaced?: Cranberry sauce needs to be replaced with cranberry vodka. What do you like most to gobble?: Use your imagination. Three words to describe Illinois basketball season: It’s not football… What’s your favorite rumor?: The ones about Joe’s daytime bartender. Which fictional character do you wish was real?: Tony Montana because he’s packing heat. Would you like a lawyer?: No, I would love a lawyer! $$ Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I need a date.
THE DRINKING GAME
GILLES of FIREHAUS
Relationship Status: Is there an option other than single on this campus? Major: The first time? Physics. Favorite Drink: The last beer before the 7th inning stretch. Favorite Shot: One that comes with whipped cream. Disgusting Drink: Anything on tap at KAM’S. What alcohol would be best to spike gravy with?: “A Wild Turkey Gravy Appears.” Which Thanksgiving dinner staple needs to be replaced, and with what?: Fuck turkey. What do you most like to gobble?: I have a prescription for them, honest. Three words to describe U of I’s basketball season: It’s NOT 2005. Which fictional character do you most wish was real?: I’d like to punch any character played by Shia LaBeouf. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Why should I give these answers if nobody is going to read it? Feed my narcissism.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
BOOZE REVIEW Jameson Whiskey Grade: B+
After a few weeks hiatus from hitting the hard stuff, this week’s Booze Review is getting back to its liquor-loving roots by taking a look at a classic. Especially since we’d previously been treating ourselves to Bird Dog Peach Whiskey (a staff favorite from earlier in the year), we thought the a-little hard-down-your-throat taste of Jameson would be the perfect way to say, “Hey, loyal readerbase. We’re still out there, and no, we probably won’t remember writing any of this.” Smells Like: The same nostril-burning fumes that we know and love behind traditional whiskey. No fruits, no flavors, just the tantalizing scent of pure alcohol kicking the shit out of your smell receptors while blatantly ignoring the safety word (it was “pineapple,” for the record). Tastes Like: That tart, smoky bitterness that – in direct contrast with any other liquor marketing ploy – is anything but “smooth and refreshing.” It’s Jameson. You got it because somebody else bought you a shot of it for your cheap ass. You’re going to wince… but dammit, it’ll be a great wince. Typical Drinkers: - Burly men looking to settle a score with other burly men on the basis of “looking at one’s gal” funnily. - Burly men looking for another shoulder to cry on because “she was the one that got away.” - People who like spending money on shots other than tequila or vodka just for the thrill of
Tex Mex Wrote This
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saying, “round of Jameson” while mysteriously looking astray. User Comments: - “You got us a round of Jameson? That’s cool, but… like, why?” - “John Jameson’s family apparently battled pirates during the 1500s. Cheers to them for not selling out and making shite rum just to fit the mold.” - “Why the green bottle when the liquor isn’t green? Irish or not, this shit’s gotta stop.” - “Mmmphhfffhmmm!” (or, the sound made when storing a shot’s worth of whiskey in your cheeks when that whole, “Hell yeah, I can slam one down, no problem!” thing doesn’t go over too well) You’ll Like This if You Like: Your whiskey for what it is rather than one mixed with the wrong Coke crowd. What the Jameson Pirate-Battling Family Would Say if They Saw You Drinking This: “… Why would you not use our family’s namesake for rum? Jesus Christ, that makes no sense, JOHN.” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Rare steak, a can-do attitude, machismo, crippling sadness. We Mixed With: Stories about the loneliness of whaling at sea for months on end. Also, nothing.
around campus
The Black Sheep Babble: UIUC Bros on People Freaking Out About Fireball Winnie Bago wrote this
Noah was walking past the Armory when Aiden spotted him from across the street. “Dude, wait up!” belted Aiden as he sprinted across the street and almost collided with two football players showing off their totally masculine and badass prowess by riding together on a moped. “You okay man?” Noah asked. “I hate the bikers in this town.” “Yeah, yeah. What’s up?” asked Aiden. “Not much, not much,” replied Noah. “Dude, have you heard about Fireball?” “The drink?” Aiden asked. “Yeah, yeah. Some people are banning it because there’s some shit in it. Like poison or something,” said Noah. “I heard it was some antifreeze crap.
Like, stuff that they put in some types of antifreeze,” clarified the ever-so-knowledgeable-on-cheapliqueurs Aiden.
didn’t want to break up the vibe the two had going, so he just pretended he was heading to Urbana for some coffee instead.
“Yeah, yeah, that was it!” said Noah, who proceeded to punch Aiden in the arm to acknowledge that they were buds, and that he was picking up what Aiden was putting down. What Noah didn’t notice was Aiden’s wince from the punch hitting the spot where he got his flu shot at the ARC earlier that day. Noah apologized and rubbed it tenderly like any caring bro would.
“For real,” said Aiden. “That’s a violation of our rights.”
“Yeah, I guess Finland and like, Sweden. Or is it Switzerland? I always mix those two up. Anyway, I guess those guys banned it saying ‘it was unsafe’ or something stupid like that,” said Aiden. “Shit, if that happened here, it’d be crazy,” replied Noah. By this point, Noah realized they’d walked past Greg Hall where his philosophy class was currently taking place. But he
“’MURICA!” belted Noah. A speck of spit flew from his mouth and landed on Aiden’s cheek, but Aiden pretended not to notice out of respect for the exclamation about his homeland. “Hell yeah,” said Aiden, giggling along with Noah. “I bet Pitbull’s gonna be pissed,” said Noah. “Yeah,” said Aiden. “Next thing you know, Sweden and Finland are going to ban ‘Fireball.’ It’s just going too far.” “That would never happen here, man. I heard that song at Red Lion like every night last week,” responded Noah. “We even sang it
at White Ho karaoke once when we were really hammered yesterday night. That was a really fun night.” An unnerving silence fell between the two bros for a moment. “Hey, that whole antifreeze thing might not be so bad,” contemplated Aiden, again demonstrating how knowledgeable he is. “Cuz it’ll get you drunker?” asked Noah, the not-as-bright one. “Hahahaha. Nah. The antifreeze will keep us warm when it’s cold outside and our nipples get super hard. Meaning, like… it’ll keep us warm!” said Aiden with subdued enthusiasm. “True, true,” said Noah, in his true double-word fashion. “But I’m not wasting that antifreeze Fireball on my car. Only to keep the body warm throughout these cold, fall nights.” “The only time you should use it for
your car is if you need antifreeze to get to Binny’s to buy more Fireball,” said Aiden, again reveling in his cleverness. The two were now outside the Espresso Royale across from Krannert and didn’t know where they should go next. Should they try to continue this conversation and enter the depths of Urbana? Turn left and return to the Quad pretending they weren’t there five minutes before?
Noah decided to ease the tension by excusing himself to grab coffee. “Hey man, I gotta go get some caffeine before my quiz,” said Noah, hoping not to offend Aiden. “Are we still pregaming at your place tonight?” “Yeah. And don’t forget to bring the Fireball,” said Aiden, giving Noah the guy nod and walking back toward the Quad. Noah smiled back.
GO HOME SuburbanEXpress
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OPINION:
TWO DADS TOO MANY
Last year, Dads Weekend was the best. I highly recommend having two gay dads: twice the dads, twice the fun. Between the football game and the Sunday brunch, there’s something for everyone to enjoy. Granted, neither of my dads really enjoyed the football game, but not for stereotypical reasons. Illinois football just sucks. And I saw plenty of straight dads at the Sunday brunch. No prejudice here.
at a single time! I’ve heard kids complain that, in a crowd, you can’t get your own dad’s attention just by shouting “Dad!” because fifty middle-aged men will turn and look. Well, try getting just one of your own dads’ attention when you have four of them. I am somewhat glad that none of them ever want to go out to the bars like the other dads. I never know if recommending C-Street would be a bad thing or not.
That was up until my dads got divorced (they had to wait for gay divorce to become legal first). Although they split up on good terms, what a nightmare that was. Each of my dads met a new guy and remarried. So guess what? Now I have four gay dads. Dads Weekend is coming up, and I’m terrified. First of all, all four of them fight for my attention. I’m going to have to put up with multiple gifts. My apartment only has room for so many Melissa Etheridge CDs. Then they’re going to fight over what restaurant to eat at. I’ll have to make the decision myself, but at least one dad will complain that “the best seafood selection is definitely not Red Lobster.” This isn’t San Francisco, there’s no such thing as fresh fish, Dad. Eventually, they’ll all agree on KoFusion anyway.
Communicating with all of them is pretty difficult. I have four separate text threads in my phone called “Dad.” I don’t even bother to check which one I’m texting anymore. Sometimes I’ll try saying something like, “Dad told me I could have an Xbox One.” Good luck figuring out which one, so you’re just going to have to agree, other Dad. Not to mention, they all kind of talk the same way. I don’t mean the stereotypical gay lisp, that’s prejudicial. I mean they all have Midwestern accents, so sometimes I can’t tell them apart on the phone.
The Sunday brunch is another nightmare waiting to happen. The biggest problem is when you walk in and the hostess expects the typical party of two. Well guess what? Party of five, that’s right. Undoubtedly, my dads will surround me on both sides like a semi-circular Last Supper. And when I say, “Dad,” all four of them respond. Hey Dad, can you pass the syrup? One syrup! I don’t need four freakin’ syrup containers lovingly flung over to me
Buying tickets for Dads Weekend is a huge hassle as well. I think the lady at the ticket booth assumes I’m going to go and scalp the extra tickets but, no, I actually have four dads. People aren’t very understanding. Even Microsoft Word has a problem with the phrase “my dads” with the little blue squiggle beneath. No, I don’t mean “my dad’s” you little homophobic Paperclip. U of I should scrap the Dads and Moms Weekends in favor of one unifying “Parents Weekend” to avoid these kinds of problems that really only exist for 1% of the students. Then again, “Parents Weekend” is prejudiced against orphans and clones. There’s just no satisfying you people, is there?
The Gonz wrote this
American Idol to Judge at White Horse Karaoke Mo’ Freeman wrote this American Idol has announced that this season they will begin their challenge to make the next most untrained, useless human into a beaming star at Champaign’s White Horse. When the hopelessly drowning reality TV show heard about the sad karaoke campaign for the similarly depressed campus bar, they jumped at the opportunity to reinstate popularity for the fourteenth season. When the announcement had been made, most students acknowledged it with a resounding, “Huh? Oh, OK.” Host of the show Ryan Seacrest has taken full responsibility for the sudden college twist for the latest season. “I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of this before,” said Seacrest wiping the sweat off his forehead after single-handedly saving the American Idol series. “Honestly, considering the geographical location of an Illinois school that isn’t in Chicago, I should have known it would be the best place to find desperate talent.”
Seacrest did admit that his first choice for having the auditions was the Silver Bullet, but immediately changed his mind upon deciding that the contestant demographic would’ve perhaps been too desperate for the show’s liking.
pre-taped reaction segments, students reactions to the news of the two original judges’ surprise appearances ranged from, “Oh, that’s cool, I guess,” to, “Those were the other two that weren’t Simon, right?”
Infamous judge Simon Cowell will return, this season as well. Similarly, Cowell agrees with the collegiate change in pace for American Idol. While pec-flexing underneath a black fitted t-shirt, Cowell said, “What speaks more about finding the next American Idol in a college bar, on a Wednesday, in the middle of bufu nowhere? At least this way, the only melodramatic sob stories we’ll have to deal with are kids looking to drink and sing their troubles away after bombing their midterms.”
As the forlorn and almost forgotten stars of American Idol attempt to make a comeback, at least a few hopefuls from the college scene welcome the bandwagon with arms as wide as Clay Akin can stretch his legs. A whopping seven students began camping outside the White Horse in anticipation for the audition that could lead them to their insignificant and unrealistic dreams. While twirling a blinking hula-hoop and wearing a tu-tu, junior vocal performance major Stella Owens said, “I just know that this has been my calling for a while, and this is going to be my big break. I knew studying the performing arts in the middle of the Midwest would pay off eventually!”
It has also been revealed that Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson, the other two of the original judges with Cowell, will also be on the college tour to make an appearance at the White Horse. During
Among the other characters getting ready for auditions were, of course, one story heart breaking enough to make people actually feel things while watching American Idol aside from an insatiable urge to change the channel hoping that the commercial break during the TV edit of Die Hard is finally
over. In one of the very first spots of the line awaits student and campus icon Anna Yeager, who spent weeks within a Fat Sandwich after being dumped by her boyfriend. “I’m still just thinking about things,” said Yeager. “Weird that there’s a line for White Horse today. I’m usually the first one here right when it opens.”
Despite Tight Firm Mobility and Falling Stock Prices,
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Illini Alerts You Probably Missed Last Weekend Riggity wrote this
In the midst of frantically emailing professors and advisors because about your registration slot cost you your dream schedule for next semester, you probably didn’t even bother sifting through those 1,026 unread messages in your @illinois. edu account. Luckily, The Black Sheep is here to give you a recap on the juiciest emails you didn’t read. Here’s a weekend-in-review of some top-tier Illini Alerts. INCIDENT: Excessive number of blades on the Quad OCCURRED: Sunday, November 9, 2014 at 12:21 p.m. LOCATION: On the Quad BRIEF DETAILS: The Champaign Police Department is investigating an attack that happened today due to the excessive number of blades on the Quad. By the police’s most recent count, there are over 1,000,000 blades, and they are
growing longer and are greener than ever. They work in groups and can only be stopped by lawn mower. The victim was strolling through the Quad on his way to class when he realized he was surrounded on all sides. The blades joined forces with the wind and began viciously tickling the victim’s legs. The victim screamed out in terror and was forced to bend over to scratch the itch that the green gang gave him. Campus police urge students not to travel alone at this time. Blade incidents are less likely to occur when using the buddy system. Students should remain on high alert until the campus groundskeeper assesses the situation with his ride-on mower on Monday, November 10th. OFFENDER DESCRIPTIONS: The suspects are described as
vegetation in its seventh week of life. They were last seen dressed in all green with extremely long, narrow, and potentially sharp leaves. Information about the type of vegetation and skin color are provided only to aid detailed descriptions that include physical stature, clothing or unusual characteristics. Categorizations do not, by themselves, offer a meaningful picture of an individual’s appearance. We’re not racist, we swear. INCIDENT: Potentially dangerous, flaky debris falling from sky OCCURRED: Since the beginning of fall LOCATION: All over campus BRIEF DETAILS: Both the Champaign and Urbana police departments have detected that students may be in immediate
danger of extremely aerodynamic debris falling from the sky this fall season. Debris appears safe to step on and crunch once grounded, but the most stubborn of flakes have been reported to latch onto students’ hair and land annoyingly on faces. While there has been no specific injury yet, the police want to urge students that this could possibly be a threat if winds reach up to 120+ mph during the fall, making a simple walk to class a potential death sentence by being shred to pieces. OFFENDER DESCRIPTIONS: The suspects are described as flat structures, typically green and bladelike during the warmer months, but also known to take on various other colors such as yellow, orange, or brown during the colder seasons where potential victims are less aware of their
surroundings. Using trees as their perching points, they will normally fall from branches when the time is right. They typically congregate in packs and can even can be swept into piles. They were last seen wearing dirt that mimicked a shoe print.
offenders of any color could be committing these crimes, be they green, yellow, orange, or brown. Maybe the next incident will be because of a slightly red offender with overtones of pink around the stem. Who knows? Again, we’re not racist, we swear.
Information about the color of the tree debris are provided only to aid detailed descriptions that include physical stature, clothing or unusual characteristics. Categorizations do not, by themselves, offer a meaningful picture of an individual’s appearance. Seriously,
The Campus Police Department encourages students to have a fun, safe time in the fall while still being proactive in assessing their surroundings. Rest assured, they’ll continue to send vital Illini Alerts like these so long as you keep ignoring them.
FAMOUS TOMS CROSSWORD ACROSS: 1) Tom Ford is famous for the turnaround of which fashion company? 3) Tommy Pickles is a character on which Nickelodeon show? 4) Tom Anderson was your first friend on this social networking site. 8) Tom Hanks won his first Academy Award for his role in which film? 9) THOMAS is a database in the United State Congress of what kind of information? 10) The 3rd President of the United States, Thomas who? 11) The 4th album by The Who. 15) Jean Ralphio’s friend Tom in Parks and Recreation. 16) Rotten Tomatoes is a website devoted to what? (two words) 18) Tom Arnold is famous for being married to who? 19) Tom Cruise’s real last name is this.
sity? 5) Tom Riddle is which character in Harry Potter? 6) Tom Petty's band. 7) This Thomas is a famous painter from the 1700s. 12) Tom Yorke is the lead singer of this band. 13) Perhaps Mark Twain’s most famous character, two words. 14) This Thomas invented the light bulb, amongst many other things. 17) A popular company, owned by Entenmann’s, that makes English muffins.
DOWN: 2) Tom and Jerry is a show based on what two animals? 4) Tom Brady played football for which univer-
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