Illinois fall issue 14 - 11/28/12 by The Black Sheep

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Volume 21, Issue 14 11/28/12 - 12/5/12

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An Atheist’s Guide to Christmas scotty g. wrote this Look at you sitting there, sipping on your Starbuck’s mocha, watching a TED talk with Cat’s Cradle in one hand and a tweed jacket clutched in the other. You are young, in college, and you are smarter than your parents. You’re an atheist, dammit, and there is no time of year worse than the holidays for your sophisticated ego. Never fear, brave soul, for there are secrets to enjoying a holiday season full of harmonious coexistence with your family’s oppressive dogma. The first goal of the Atheist’s Christmas is to evade detection. Stop at nothing to conceal your non-beliefs. Not believing in god isn’t a bad thing, but there are certainly better times to attempt a sober discussion of faith than Christmas morning, namely, any other time. The second goal is to have fun. Why should the religious folk of the world have a monopoly on enjoying the holidays? The most feared instance of the Christmas season for ye nonbelievers is the community mass. However, it doesn’t have to be the longest hour of your life. If you find it’s hard to listen to something you disagree with without speaking up, a skill absent from believers and non-believer alike, don’t worry. The priest usually sticks to the less controversial favorites for these special services. Church on Christmas is really just a reading from some of the “Greatest Hits” of the Bible. They will be ones you can sing along to: Jesus’s birth, The Three Wise Men, What if God Was One of Us? They’re not exactly going to read from Numbers 15.32 where God tells Moses to stone a man to death because he was caught gathering sticks on a Sunday. While you’re there, make sure you try to make the most out of it. For one, give a shot at enjoying the music. There is something genuinely beautiful about a congregation of true believers singing their praises to God. It seems like they’re competing to prove how much they love God through performance. It’s like American Idol but with much higher stakes than earning a trip to Hollywood. If you’re looking for a more fun, interactive approach, try Bible Bingo. This one requires a partner and a little preparation. First, make a list of twenty-five words or phrases that are commonly said at church (examples include god, Jesus, glory, Amen, faith, Bunny, wine, shame, etc.). Also, feel free to include any non-religious happenings that might take place on any given Sunday, like the altar boy messing up, a baby crying the whole service, a non-baby crying, or an audible fart that causes at least three head turns. You and your partner then

Alma Mater Progress Report Just what is she up to while she's away from campus?

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make your own five-by-five bingo boards on a small piece of paper and fill in the squares randomly with the twentyfive words and phrases. You can easily hide this inside a Bible or songbook, and no one will be the wiser. The usual bingo rules apply: The center space is free, you can win with five across/down/diagonal, but instead of yelling out bingo, just shout, “Hallelujah!” If you’re the gambling type, maybe the two of you could wager your copy of The God Delusion or your signed portrait of Bill Maher. One thing we will advise against, though, is chugging the wine. This isn’t college, so no one will cheer you on for finishing off the Jesus juice and spiking the chalice. In fact, it’s

what’s inside

probably best to stay away from the wine altogether. Did you see old Mr. Fredrickson in the front pew? Wanna find out if he left behind a few contagious pathogens on the glass? The family dinner table also has potential disaster written all over it. A beautiful feast has been prepared, candles are lit, and Bing Crosby is gently serenading the family with smooth renditions of the classics. Don’t screw it up by trying to force your religious (or for that matter, political) beliefs on every family member seated at the table. For once, keep that to yourself and try to focus on the night at hand. As long as you can stuff your face and occasionally nod your head along with conversation, you’ll be fine. continued on page 19

The Top 10: Things to Do With the Unused Stanley Cup

A Prospective Look at Colorado in 2013

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We're not just going to let that bad boy sit in storage.

Long story short: everything's a lot greener and happier

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 5: Mustache Mayhem

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Make sure your month-long hair growth doesn't go to waste.

page 7: John Groce: The Savior Champaign Deserves

Helping our college students and puppies everywhere.

page 7: How the Mitt Sold Christmas A political twist on a Dr. Seuss classic.

page 8: Puerto Rico Says No Thank You to Statehood

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The Governor plans on staying home with a few Cubans instead.

Table of

page 9: New Mel Gibson Movie: White Basketball Team Overcomes Odds in Predominately Black League

Coming soon to a middle-class theater near you.

page 10: A Swing Back in Time

A small campus RSO that is pretty swell.

page 16: Bartenders of the Week

Zareena and Adam look good even before you start drinking.

page 18: from the streets

What will you do to live it up before the apocalypse next month?

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Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Eric Blokel distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mike Lieber Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes, Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster, Molly Forrest Ashley Perl, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner, Ryan Rudolf, Sam Caravette

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pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Miseck Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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! k e e W e h t f o c i P

Dear Mike, It turns out that I came back from Thanksgiving break and forgot to bring all of my winter clothes. Do you have any advice for keeping warm without a jacket or closetoed shoes? Sincerely, Cold Dear Mr. Freeze, I believe you when you say that you simply forgot your winter stuff at home, but in the case that you thought you wouldn't need them because you are Jeremiah Johnson and that that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger, remember hypothermia. Yes, that will kill you. Once you realize the direness of your situation, then follow these steps: First off, you need to stop shaving. In fact, stop cutting any and all hair on your body. You’re gonna need your neck-fuzz to double as a scarf, and your helmet hair to keep your head warm. After doing this you need to do one of two things: Either hit the gym, or start shoving those Twinkies you’ve been hoarding up down your throat. It just depends whether you want to go the Urlacher route or the beached whale route when it comes to bodily protection from the cold. Now, when it comes to what you should wear, don’t listen to the people who say you should layer up your summer clothes. They have no idea what they are talking about. It’s not about quantity of clothing, it’s about the temperature of your clothing. Before walking to class, put your underwear in the microwave. You don’t need to warm up your pants or shirt, just your underwear. Once they have been in there for 3 minutes, throw them on and run to class. Now here’s the tricky part: When class is done and you need to run back to your house, you need to take off your underwear and breathe on it to warm it up. This takes significantly longer than microwaving, so you should start doing this as soon as you enter the classroom. Hope this helps, Mike

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BLITZEN GETTIN’ BLITZED!!!!!!!!!!! #HE OLO’d!!!!! (Want to become famous next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

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quipster:

A person who uses outdated phrases in an attempt to be amusingly ironic. “What do you mean you think I sound like an idiot? Well how ‘bout you just go talk to the hand, ‘cuz this face don’t wanna hear it?”

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John Groce: The Savior Champaign Deserves Benny Boy wrote this

The fluorescent lights flicker as a woman flips a switch in the sad, dilapidated animal shelter in which she works. As always, this act is met with pained howls from the sick animals locked up in their cages. As she steps into the room, she is followed by a man who hopes to give one of these animals a new home. John Groce follows the shelter worker as she shows him rows upon rows of sad looking animals. After inspection of all the cages, Groce notices a small clump of fur huddled in the corner of one of the last cages in the row. This little puppy is as skinny as can be, and what little hair it has left, after losing so much to stress, is covered in dirt and blood. “What is the name of this sad little thing?” Groce asks. “That puppy’s name is Champaign.” “My god. What happened to it?” “It’s first caretaker was a Native American man who lived alone. From what we all can tell, Champaign loved this man. Sadly, this original owner died suddenly one day when, as he was going to work, he was attacked on the street, taken behind a building, and systematically executed. They shot him in the head. Poor little Champaign, he still thinks he’s coming back.” “What happened after that? Did somebody take care of Champaign after this Native American man was systematically shot in the head?” “Yes. Right after little Champaign came to our shelter for the first time he was picked up by a man named Zook. Zook promised that he would give Champaign such a good home that he wouldn’t even remember his old caretaker.” “Well, did he?” “Things went okay at first. Champaign was relatively happy, and there seemed to be a light on the horizon. But, as fate would have it, Zook suffered a sudden stroke halfway through his ownership of Champaign and could no longer take care of him. It was as if he completely lost his mind. He began trying to feed Champaign Vaseline and rubber bands, and whenever Champaign needed to be let out he would just yell at him for being a quitter. When the police came to pick up the mistreated animal, Zook was sitting naked in the corner of his living room, muttering something about missing his juice. He had lost his mind.”

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“That’s awful. Hopefully that was the last caretaker.” “I wish. Soon after Zook was sent to the nuthouse, Champaign was picked up by a man named Beckman. Why, he seemed like he would take such good care of little Champaign at first, but it was almost right after taking him home that Beckman began his cruelty. Every day Beckman would take Champaign out back and hit him repeatedly with a shovel. He would just tie Champaign down, spit on him, and hit him with a fucking shovel. Sometimes he would hang Champaign from a tree and invite neighborhood children over to hit him with a shovel like a piñata. When winter came he would just leave Champaign in the freezing cold, and if Champaign cried, Beckman would come out and hit him with a shovel. Beckman shoveled Champaign so much that every single bone in his body was broken, and one of his eyes was hanging out when Animal Services came to pick him up.” “Stop. Just stop. I don’t want to hear any more. I will take care of Champaign. Me and my boy Brandon Paul will give Champaign something to hang on to. Dammit, we will give it something to live for.” “If you don’t. I don’t know who will.” “I will give Champaign a little happiness,” Groce says and then turns to himself, “I will give Champaign hope.”

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Alma Mater Progress Report Kitty Kat wrote this To my dear University of Illinois family, Words cannot begin to describe how much I miss you all and my lovely spot on the Quad. I’ve been here in this rusty, run-down factory outside of Chicago for what seems like centuries. I know you all sent me off with the best intentions, but I believe there is some foul play occurring in my midst. To begin, the majority of the day I am kept in storage. The room I’m in is dark and cold, and I believe I’ve felt a few rats scamper across my feet. I know I was sent here for restoration that will make me look young and beautiful like I was many years ago, but would you send your grandmother off to a nursing home as infectious and disgusting as this? I’m guessing not. When I am finally taken out, not to see the light of day but to be blinded by fluorescent factory lights, the male employees seem to enjoy their job a little too much. Their hands wander all around my body, rubbing in various oils and scrubbing spots with harsh steel wool. They also use small paint brushes to reach into my most sensitive areas. I can’t help but feel violated; if my gown wasn’t down to my feet and made of bronze, I would expect them to be reaching up there as well. After an experience like this one, I really don’t mind all the drunken students climbing over me every weekend or those ridiculous outfits you guys make me wear for certain campus events. None of that has ever been as humiliating and embarrassing as this. The worst part is that I just have to stand there and take it like a fool. That’s the other thing: After all these years, I’m still not allowed to sit. There’s this huge, possibly very comfortable, arm chair just behind me, and I can’t even use it. Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum behind me keep gesturing for me to take a seat, but it just ain’t happening. I hope that during this restoration project they provide me with some hinges on my knees so I can take a break for once. Sometimes a girl just needs to take a rest. I mean, it wouldn’t take much effort for me to fall asleep here anyway. It’s a very lonely, quiet place. The sounds I hear throughout the day are the drips from leaky pipes and the occasional bustle of workers and machines outside my storage room door. When the men are doing their work on me, though, they speak in the most vulgar language. Even more foul than the shouts I hear from frustrated students during finals week, or from drunken fraternity brothers at Kam’s (I have excellent hearing range). They complain about their wives, their girlfriends, their bosses, their kids. It never stops. Once again, nothing to do but just wait around and listen. At least back home I could wait for the Altgeld bells to drown out any annoying sound that I encountered, but no, not here. On the

bright side, I can actually understand everything these men are saying. For once I’m not surrounded by faux fraternity gangster speak 24/7. Finally, I think our university should really look into this whole restoration contract they’ve got themselves into. I’ve been here for about three months now, and I feel fine. I feel refreshed, my skin feels clean and exfoliated. I really think I’d be capable of coming home now and toughing it out for about another fifty years or so. Staying here till May isn’t really that necessary. I think this whole gig is just a waste of money. Plus there’s nothing like New Year’s Eve at U of I, and I’m really going to miss that this year. I hope to see you all again soon, safe and sound. - Alma PS: I almost forgot! Since I’ve been away I haven’t heard much about how well our football team has been doing under the new coach. I can’t wait to come back and hear about the great season we had!

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Mustache Mayhem Sammie Sea wrote this

As they say, all good things must come to an end. This holds true for the most wonderful time of the year, No Shave November (No Shavember, Movember, what have you): a whole month dedicated to the seductive scruff of masculinity. It’s enough to make any woman feel all hot and bothered and moist down below. Unfortunately, December has arrived, leaving many men pondering what they should do with their canvas of facial hair. And unfortunately, it is not as valuable as the pubic hair in Borat. Well ponder no more! Here is a list of the best, and worst, mustache styles along with their unique personalities to help you decide on your new look. The Tom Selleck: Nothing can compare to the classic. It’s a perfect mixture of sex, confidence and badassery. If you rock a mustache like this, there is no way that anyone is going to want to mess with you. Unfortunately, this style demands a sense of class to accompany it. If combined with an excess of beer, meat and football, you could end up resembling Bill Swerski’s superfans. You’ve been forewarned. The Wolverine: Or more simply, mutton chops. While not as sexy as the Tom Selleck, it does pose as a dominating statement, and it’s also a great conversation starter. This style requires an excess of testosterone to generate enough hair in just a month’s time, but it’s totally worth it. Try to keep it under control; you don’t want to end up looking like Ambrose Burnside. Pair with retractable adamantium-laced bone claws to complete the look. The Chinstrap: If you’re going for a well-rounded douche look, then this is the style for you! Seriously, it really just looks like you’re trying too hard to come off as masculine. No self-respecting (or straight) man spends a half hour making precise facial hair edges. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Leave the chinstraps to the 90s boy bands and the gym rats, unless you’re in to both of those things. The Handlebars: If you’re going for an impressive yet humorous approach, this style is right up your alley. While it may take some maintenance to achieve the curly nature of the Handlebars, it’s sure to get a lot of laughs, though not many lays. When sporting this style it is important to keep a carefree disposition, otherwise you’ll come off as a sinister cartoon villain. If you become bored with the comedy act, the Handlebars can easily be converted into a premature Tom Selleck. The Creep: Also known as The Pencil Mustache, this style is tricky. Depending on your personal-

ity, you could come off as a seductive, romantic Parisian, or, in most cases, a disgusting pervert. Maybe it’s the too-thin nature of the ‘stache that throws it off. In any case, it’s uncomfortable and awkward to look at. It might as well not even be there … so please, shave it off. The Baby-Face: Might as well call this one “The Bitch” because that’s what everyone will be calling you behind your back. A clean-shaven face is just way too pure, and frankly it looks immature. C’mon guys, women need men, not little boys! At least leave a dirt 'stache and pretend that you tried. If you have the fortune of being able to grow a substantial amount of facial hair, props to you, the world is your oyster. If you can’t, keep your head up, soldier. Maybe one day you can join the big boys. For now though, we have provided you with a complementary, cutout mustache! Sport this bad boy around campus and we’re positive no one will notice that you’re a baby back bitch.

How the Mitt Sold Christmas Alex Everard wrote this Mr. Romney sat atop Mount Mitt, with his iPhone 6 and tightly-knit polo sweater Staring down at America, those dimwits and forty-seven percenters He plotted real hard, he plotted with malice—just how to avenge those who cast the wrong ballot He could buy all their businesses, flip them, and sell ‘em for profit! He could drown the whole country with his Marvelous Money Faucet! Alas, it struck him—an idea of pure gold Mitt would steal all their toys and sell China the molds! Yes that would surely ruin this holiday season For all the middle-class kids and blue-color heathens He strapped his dog to the roof of his Porsche Down Mount Mitt he flew, screaming, “Romney SELLS Christmas, of course!” He broke into the houses with their measly two stories And stole the twerps’ toys to reap all the glory He was almost finished, just one more house to rob ‘Twas a house in Detroit, and Mitt laughed ‘til he sobbed “HA! This place; what a terrible city! Would have gone bankrupt underneath Ole Mitty!” He waltzed right in, without even having to knock And said under his breath, “LAWL, too poor to buy locks!” He took all the toys, but as he readied to dash Little Billy Bluecollar appeared, covered in trash “What are you doing, mister? Aren’t those my toys?”

Mitt relied on debate strategy to remain calm and coy “Oh no, little boy, I’m getting them fixed! Only the Chinese can mend this PlayStation disc!” Billy seemed suspicious, but Mitt said, “Blame Obama!” Then he drove his Porsche home and prepared for the drama Christmas Day he awoke early, laughing and stumbling “Oh boy, I can’t wait to watch the middle-class crumbling!” But that didn’t happen, much to Mitt’s confusion Americans seemed sad, but not disillusioned “Oh well,” they all sighed, “Looks like another recession.” “We lost all the toys, but we won’t lose the lesson.” They gathered around the tree in Rockefeller Center And began to sing songs with cheer and great splendor Just then, they say, while we ignored the worst for the best Something strange happened beneath Mitt’s money vest His heart began beating, and beating quite fast His heart beat so much it began to gain mass! It grew and it grew until it could grow no more! Then Mitt shouted, with a tear, “It’s not your fault that you’re poor!” He jumped in his Porsche and down Mount Mitt he shot Throwing toys and wads of money at every spot The kids began yelling, “It’s Ole Mitt, he’s back! I knew he’d fix our toys without any flack!” “Yes, kids, your Ole Mitt saved the day! And I fixed all these toys the American way!”

He made it rain in New York, Chicago, and Tennessee He made it rain on ‘dem kids from sea to shining sea But he made sure to stop in Detroit before he left To see Billy Bluecollar and give him the rest “Here you go, Billy, enough for a billion new games,” And Mitt handed little Billy all the money from Bain “Wow, Mister Romney, that’s millions of dollars!” “Just say thank you, Little Billy, and fix your blue collar.” And with that, he was gone, back up to Mount Mitt Where he still lives lavishly, but learned quite a bit Yes as the story goes, as all the history books say Mitt Romney’s small heart grew six sizes that day.

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theblacksheeponline.com

Puerto Rico Says No Thank You to Statehood Boricua Bonita wrote this

PUERTO RICO – After being offered statehood Friday, Puerto Rico has turned it down. Luis Fortuño, the Governor of Puerto Rico, made a statement saying, “Don’t get me wrong Obama, it was a nice offer, but for now we’re going to have to pass.” Fortuño made an appearance at the White House yesterday to explain Puerto Rico’s sudden change of heart, considering the recent election and the results of the 2012 status referendum, in which 61% of Puerto Rican voters were in favor of becoming a state. He started off his speech in front of Congress saying that, “[T]he United States is a huge fucking tease, and Puerto Ricans are sick of it.” He was referring to this past election, which was the third time that Puerto Rico has tried for statehood in the past forty-five years. With this being the first instance of Puerto Ricans accepting the option of statehood, Fortuño was appalled that the United States-- or El Estados Unidos-- did not immediately accept the island's offer. Fortuño continued, “The U.S. is blue-balling Puerto Rico by calling our country an unincorporated territory, and I, the Governor of Puerto Rico, don’t even know what that means. So if you ask me, that’s pretty disrespectful.” Fortuño expressed Puerto Ricans’ distress over the actual voting process. Puerto Ricans currently residing in Puerto Rico don’t understand why they don’t have a say in their political future. Juan, from Caguas, said, “Nadie hace decisiones para mí. Los Estados Unidos chupa mis lluevos,” roughly translating into, “No one makes decisions for me. The United States can suck my balls.” Many Puerto Ricans agreed that this statement matches their opinions as well. Actor Benicio del Toro also threw in his two cents about the idea of Puerto Rico becoming a state by saying, “My entire career has been dedicated to my fellow Puerto Ricans. Of course, I’ve never said this or hinted at it in any way. However, my agent told me that now is as good a time as any to let everybody know that I am indeed Puerto Rican.” Fortuño also announced his close political friendship with Fidel Castro. They apparently pal around on the reg doing tropical things in the Caribbean Sea, like sipping umbrellaed fruity drinks while basking in the sun. He said that Fidel clearly had a lot of influence on his decision, because Fortuño was in Cuba when the decision was announced. “Honestly, the United States and Cuba need to sit down over some Cuban cigars because they really do solve all the world’s problems.” “The fact of the matter is that America simply isn’t offering us anything too appealing,” Fortuño said. “As things in Puerto Rico stand right now, a man can get as much cocaine as he desires,

whenever he desires. And if he gets caught by police, it’s just $50, a small inconvenience. We are perfectly happy in our little island paradise, and we don’t need Texans getting in the way of us having a great time.” Fortuño has become a global celebrity since his appearance in front of Congress and has relished in his image as an anti-American idealist. He has been photographed shaking hands with Kim Jong-un and has been seen out for drinks with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president of Iran. As he was about to board his plane back to Puerto Rico he threw up two middle fingers, jacked off the air, and then screamed, “Viva Puerto Rico!” As for Americans, they aren’t really too bothered by Puerto Rico turning down the offer of statehood. Illinois senator Richard Durbin said, “Do you know how fucked up our flag would look if they tried to add in one more star? Like really, where the hell is that going to fit?” The Black Sheep attempted to get Betsy Ross’s ideas on this matter, but she has yet to get back to us.

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The Top 10

page 9

Things to Do With the Unused Stanley Cup As the NHL Players' Association and owners argue over whose dick is larger, fans are getting thoroughly upset with the lack of both sides’ commitment to bringing quality hockey to North America. The question remains, though, what is going to happen to the Stanley Cup next year when no team is in possession of it? 10.) Celebrate an Illini Football Win: In all seriousness though, if the Illini beat an actual Division I football team, this may be a cause for great celebration. 9.) Ultimate Pimp Chalice: Why not desecrate the most treasured trophy in the history of sports by putting sequins on it and drinking a mixture of vodka, codeine, grape Kool-Aid, and Jolly Ranchers out of it? It’s still significantly less disrespectful to the sport than arguing about how to split the sport’s revenue. 8.) Update the Statue of Liberty: It’s the greatest sign of our superiority to our neighbors up north. Replace ole Lady Liberty’s torch with their most sacred object. After all, the Canadians haven’t won a cup in twenty years.

New Mel Gibson Movie:

White Basketball Team Overcomes Odds in Predominately Black League John McHoneyCombs wrote this Director Mel Gibson is reportedly trying to break new ground in his undergoing project, Snowball: The Story of Overcoming Adversity in the City. The story revolves around the high school St. Paul’s Catholic Academy in inner-city Detroit, as their all-white basketball team tries to make a name for themselves against the other, primarily African American, schools in the heart of Detroit. Mr. Gibson explained his vision in further detail, “Well I got the idea after watching Remember the Titans and Coach Carter. Those movies were so inspiring, but I just couldn’t identify myself with many of the characters. I knew I had to make my own movie that would deal with many of the same issues young white boys deal with growing up in the city.” The movie features Elijah Wood and Tobey Maguire who play best friends dealing with the trials and tribulations that an all-white team might face in a predominately African American league. “My character’s name is Oscar,” Mr. Wood started. “He knows that there’s more to life than just good grades and the chess club. Oscar fights hard to escape the same classroom that had claimed his father, who started his own company immediately following graduation from an Ivy League school.” Tobey Maguire elaborated on his character as well. “My character, James, has two parents that are always there for him, encouraging him, and it just seems like the whole world wants to lift him up, but what about lifting him up on the court?” As the cast list started to come in, it was revealed that acting legend John Goodman would be playing the role of Coach Cory. “My character faces a lot of scrutiny from the public who says that these kids should be preparing for their successful futures, not playing a game in a league they’re clearly not cut out for. That’s where my character shines; he wants to show these kids that it’s not just about talent, but also establishing fundamentals.” In one heartwarming scene (leaked early to the press), Coach Cory drills his team in the importance of passing, free throws, and three pointers.

Just when it becomes clear the team is one win away from making it into the playoffs, tragedy strikes, and Wood’s character gets accepted to Brown on an academic scholarship. “There’s a truly gut-wrenching scene when I’m in the counselor’s office and am told that my scholarship does not allow me to play on the basketball team,” Mr. Wood explained. “We suspect this may be the Oscar-winning moment right here.” However, the team finds some much needed advice and support from an unexpected cameo. Initially, the studio tried to get Larry Bird to come in for the role, but after he deemed the whole project “distasteful” they were able to settle on former Chicago Bulls player, Toni Kukoc. “I was so excited for this role. I haven’t done squats since I played with Jordan, but hey, at least I got a ring out of proximity. In the movie I draw on real life examples and tell the kids that the Bulls probably would’ve lost five more games had I not boxed out, sat in the post, and cleared the way for Jordan or Pippen.”

7.) The Ultimate Bowl Cut: In the world of things which were never cool, never will be cool, and probably never should have existed in the first place, bowl cuts reign supreme. However, if Great Clips were able to say that they could put the Stanley Cup on your head and run some scissors around it for $12.95, every single hockey fan would turn into Moe from The Three Stooges overnight. 6.) Newborn Baptism: If you place your newborn in the Holy Grail of hockey he is destined to be the next Gretzky. That sucker could easily fit twins if need be. This could be a chance to christen an entire year of newborns into the church of National Hockey League greats. 5.) Get Free DirecTV: Place that thing on your rooftop and tell us you can’t get HBO for free. Why should you have to pay for Game of Thrones when there’s a perfectly good receiver being unused by that asshole commissioner Bettman? 4.) NHL ‘94 Championship Prize: Before he got fat, Vince Vaughn once said, “It’s not so much me that’s good, it’s Jeremy Roenick. He’s good,” in reference to NHL ’94. As the most famous hockey video game of all time, we can hold a massive tournament where everyone dusts off the Sega Genesis and takes a trip back to a time when the Blackhawks believed in having a real goalie. 3.) Canadian Bum Fights: With one-third of Canadians out of work due to the lockout, we can do our best to help create job opportunities by having them go out on the ice without sticks, pucks, or goals and just duke it out man-to-man. Winner takes the cup and goes home with significantly less teeth. 2.) 2 Girls, 1 Stanley Cup: Who knows what those weird effeminate Swedish Sedin sisters are into? I’m guessing it involves fecal matter, vomit, and the inability to win the cup. After all, they are known for going to hotels stating, ”We’re here for the autoerotic asphyxiation!” So why not make a graphic porn flick symbolizing their penchant for choking?

The film has met some backlash by the NAACP and several other Hollywood actors, including Denzel Washington, Cuba Gooding Jr., and Samuel L. Jackson. “These motherfuckers must’ve lost their motherfucking minds,” Mr. Jackson commented after reading over parts of the script. Denzel Washington also had a few choice words, “So they just took my movie, turned it into basketball, and put John Goodman in it? Who the hell chooses John Goodman for an inspiring sports role anyway? The man couldn’t coach a tee ball league. No athlete likes being bossed around by a guy who’s on the line for obesity. It’s a bit hypocritical.” Morgan Freeman plainly remarked, “This movie is more racist than the first half of American History X.” While there are naysayers out there, we at The Black Sheep expect this film to be a resounding success. It may be a bit premature in saying so, but we’re going to do it anyway: Oscar, anyone?

1.) Just Give It to Mario Lemieux: Screw it, we should just give it to Mario Lemieux himself for being the biggest badass in the history of sports by receiving radiation, scoring a goal, and bagging an assist all in the same god damn day! He is also the only man to score five goals in a game. Both these feats are referred to as the Lemieux hat trick. Even Gretzky has got to respect.

Ryan Rudolf wrote this

page 10

A Swing Back in Time

theblacksheeponline.com

rebecca Jacobs wrote this

Some say swing died in the 1920s, but the students who comprise the Illini Swing Society hold fast in their belief that the 20s are not over, and that dancing in any way that does not involve genital rubbing is worthwhile. One of our Black Sheep reporters grew weary of the daily bump and grind of 21st century life, and decided to mosey on over to an Illini Swing Society meeting, and spend some time in the relaxed and carefree 20s. As our reporter entered the ARC room where the meeting was being held, everything went black and white. Smoke filled the room from cigars wedged between the fingers of the men, who thoughtfully discussed what was to be done with all of the money they had made in the stock market. Big band swing blared through the room as trumpeters, saxophonists, and pianists roared from the corner. In the center of the room everyone danced. There was some Charleston here, some Lindy Hop there, and enough gin to kill a small horse. Our reporter rubbed his eyes in disbelief. “Where am I?” he asked. A slender gentleman dressed in suspenders, a cuffed shirt, and loafers on his feet approached the reporter. “Hey old sport! My name is Dick Carson. Welcome to Illini Swing Society, where the chicks are fine, the music is keen, and the jive is lively, funky, and clean!” The reporter gave a look as though this man just offered him Viagra on his eighteenth birthday. “Alright, listen buddy. What exactly is going on here? What did you do to the lights to make everything black and white? Why does that guy look just like Hemingway? Is that Owen Wilson?”

“Whoa! Hold it there, Slim Jim. You cackling clown, you. That’s not how we go about things in this joint. Follow me, kiddo!” And Dick led the reporter through the crowd. He looked at the faces as he passed through the crowd. There was Benny Goodman playing his clarinet for all to hear, while Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald sang nearby. This couldn’t possibly be real. Where were all the Ugg boots and Red Bull cans? “Listen here, pal,” said Dick. “This place is the bee’s knees. Now, don’t go around telling the world what I’m about to show you. Not even to your old ball and chain at home.” He laughed as he snapped his fingers and tapped his feet to the blaring jazz. A swarm of hands clamped onto his back as they moved him down the stairs, away from the dancing. A single light illuminated the room, showing only the slightest hint of bottles on the shelves. “This here, son, is a speakeasy. We know a sip of the bottle is a little hard to come by up on the streets, with prohibition and all. Oh, but if old man Calvin Coolidge heard about this, we’d be in a pinch! Go ahead, boy, take a swig! But only a swig, though. Mr. Capone is rolling through here tonight, and we have to pay up, you hear? Say, you want a ciggy?” The reporter looked at them in astonishment. A speakeasy in the twenty-first century? It then dawned on him that this wasn’t present day. There was obviously a space-time continuum at the door. He’d been transported into the 1920s. It made too much sense. There was the jazz music, which went extinct with “Mambo No. 5.” And then, of course, there was the fact that everything was black and white. Everybody knows color wasn’t invented until The Wizard of Oz.

“Seriously, chap, take a swig! I’ll tune in the be-bop for a little fun,” said Dick. He wandered over to the radio in the corner and adjusted the dials until the static was gone. Our reporter had had enough. He had to get out of the roaring twenties, so he said the only juvenile insult that came to mind: “You guys are dicks.” “No, I’m Dick! Swell you remembered my name! You’re a nifty chap. I bet you don’t take any wooden nickels,” exclaimed Dick as he fiddled with the radio, giving our reporter a wink. There were no words to reply to that. Only a Beyonce “Single Ladies” move, and a stroll through the door. As he walked out, he muttered, “See you next century, Illini Swing Society.”

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

FREE WINGS ON WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 5TH!

Friday! EOTO with JANSTEN

NEW YEARS EVE 2013 at CLYBOURNE! $1 U CALL IT Get Tickets for only $20 while supplies last! TheClybourne.com

Friday! Beat Kitchen $5, 10pm

WEDNESDAY 11/28

$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles, $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURSDAY 11/29

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

HEARTLAND: The Third Biggest Party in Town!

BOMBS AWAY! $1 BOMBS (Vegas, Cherry, O-Bombs) $2 U CALL IT $3 EVERYTHING ELSE!

Closed For a Private Party Book yours by calling us at 3982688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

FRIDAY 11/30

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

EOTO with JANSTEN

Happy Hour Food Special 5pm-9pm: $3 PIZZAS!! $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jameson

Beat Kitchen $5, 10pm

SATURDAY 12/1

Open at 11am! $1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

FALL URBANITE 2012 DANCE 2 X S

$3 Jim Beam $3 Three Olives Vodka $3 Three Olives Bombs $3 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Sweet Revenge Whiskey

Closed For a Private Party Book yours by calling us at 3982688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

SUNDAY 12/2

Closed

BOOTS & BOOZE with LIVE COUNTRY MUSIC Jack Daniels Drink Specials! No Cover!

Book your next party or event at The Clybourne! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

MONDAY 12/3

MASON JAR MONDAY! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts $3 Double Wells $3 Double Jack and Double Soco

** Closed **

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Pinnacle Vodka

Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

TUESDAY 12/4

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

OPEN DECKS $1 Drink Specials

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Woodbridge Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Tullamore Dew Whiskey $2 Svedka Vodka, $2 312 Bottles

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm

WEDNESDAY 12/5

FREE WINGS!!!! 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

MALI WATER MIX SHOW BENEFIT (Early) PIANO MAN (Late) Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles, $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

W IN NO MOVE T A $200 GE AND CARD! GIFT

if you need it, we’ve got it!

We’re Pet Friendly!

from the location to the impeccable amenities, and everything in between, who said you couldn’t have it all?

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217.239.2310 | BURNHAM310.COM | 310 E. SPRINGFIELD | IMMEDIATE MOVE INS AVAILABLE!

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

NEW YEARS EVE 2013 at FIREHAUS! $1 U CALL IT Get Tickets for only $20 while supplies last FirehausBar.com

WED. 11/28

ILLINI vs Georgia Tech 7pm Firehaus Mug Night! $1 SHOTS Get the new Gameday Mug! $2.50 Bud Light 25oz Drafts

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Open Mic Wednesdays, $2 Coors Light Special Night and Miller Light Draft Come Play! Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from Apps 6-8 every day. 1/2 Off (After 5pm) Free pool during happy hour!!! $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

Friday: The Stone Foxes - Live! Doors at 7pm, $10 DJ Delayney After!

MNJ NYE Tickets on Sale Now! Limited Supply Available for $15 at JoesBrewery.com!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Book Your November/ December Parties Now! Check out JoesBrewery.com or call 217-384-1790 for more info!

$3 Strong Islands

THURSDAY 11/29

NFL Falcons vs Saints 7pm $5 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jack Daniels, $2.50 Three Olives Vodka, $3 SoCo Lime Shots, $3 Three Olives Bombs, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Industry Night w/ DJ Luniks Doors Open at 9pm

Beer, a Bomb and a Burger $2 Bud Lights $2 Jager Bombs

FRIDAY 11/30

College Football Championships! 6pm: #21 NIU vs #17 Kent State, 7pm: #16 UCLA vs #8 Stanford $5 Bud Light 40's, $3 Captain Morgan & Beam, $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Sweet Revenge Shots

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

The Stone Foxes - Live! Doors at 7pm, $10 DJ Delayney After! $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID

Happy Hour Under the Heat Lamps! $2 Kentucky Apple Shots $3 Jim Beam $3 Pinnacle Drinks

SATURDAY 12/1

College Football Championships! Wisconsin vs #10 Nebraska at 7pm #2 Alabama vs #3 Georgia at 3pm

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the NCAA and NBA Action at Guido's!

Book a Party or Special Event! 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

Party it up under the heat lamps!

SUNDAY 12/2

BEARS vs SEAHAWKS Noon $2 ANYTHING! Every Liquor... Every Domestic Beer $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings!

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

The Original Sunday Funday with 25% Off Appetizers and $3 22oz Bud Lights

MONDAY 12/3

Monday Night Football: HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm10pm | $15 Bud Light Hydrants, $2 Long Islands, $3 Import/Crafts

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

Check out our Burger of the Week! Monday Night Joes $2 Sailor Jerry

TUESDAY 12/4

TIME WARP TUESDAY Illini vs Eastern Carolina 7pm 9pm Victoria Secret Fashion Show Watch party with PINK Campus Reps Win tons of Free Clothes from PINK! $2 Wells, $2 BL Drafts 1/2 Price Sharkbowls!

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

1/2 Price Burgers and $2 Blue Moons Tequila Tuesday & the 8th Grade Dance

WED. 12/5

Firehaus Mug Night! $1 SHOTS Get the new Gameday Mug! $2.50 Bud Light 25oz Drafts

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

MNJ NYE Tickets on Sale Now! Limited Supply Available for $15 at JoesBrewery.com!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our MOBILE APP! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

Homemade Chili and Seasonal Fall Soups Now Available!

NEW YEARS EVE 2013 at RED LION! $1 U CALL IT Tickets are selling fast Don't wait, we will sell out! www.RedLionChampaign.com

Big 10/ACC Challenge! IL vs. Ga. Tech at 8PM Shoot to Win Tix! Free Shuttle! $2 Lite 16oz Bottle Cans $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles $2.50 Bacardi Drinks/ $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries! Logo Glass Night w/ $4 Pints and $2 Refills Upcoming Logos: Nov 7 Hamm's Premium, Nov 14: Coors Light NFL

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED. 11/28

$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles

SHACKER NIGHT Special Guest DJ! $5 24oz Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2.50 Fireball Whiskey Shots

THURS. 11/29

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jager Bombs

FRI. 11/30

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

SATURDAY: OUTBOUND DRIVE, LIVE AT 10! $2.50 Bud Lt. Cans $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks Big 10 Championship Game Party at 6:30

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S

Klub Kam’s! All High Energy w/ DJ Sevlo

$3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks, $2 Big Long Islands, $1.50 16oz Hamm’s $2 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2.00 Jager Bombs

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Doorman Battle! $2 16oz Lite & Coors Lt Btls $4 Blue Guys DJ DASH spins the Nite Party w/ the Cuervo Girls!

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Q Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $5 Skyy, Wild Turkey, Beam Dbls $2.25 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Coor’s Light, Miller Lite, Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

OUTBOUND DRIVE, LIVE AT 10! $2.50 Bud Lt. Cans $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks Big 10 Championship Game Party at 6:30

$2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. & Rum Chata Shots, $5 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles, $2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints, $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints, $7.50 Leine, Killians, Mich. Amber, & Shock Top Pitchers

Club 211 FREE GLOWSTICKS Blacklights! DJ John Han Bacardi Frat Potion Night!

SAT. 12/1

$2.50 Coronas $3 Any Draft

Trivia Night! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

Book your next party or event at Red Lion Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUN. 12/2

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Nite Turn – A –Bout Guys Bartend – Girls Bounce BIG ASS DRINKS $2 32oz Drafts & Double Soco Drinks $4 Double Jack & Blue Guys Southern Comfort Girls

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

Karaoke Night! $5.50 Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries $4.00 Long Islands

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

MON. 12/3

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Nite Drinkin in Ur Mason Jar! $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3.00 Blue Guys, $2.00 Sauza

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles, $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge

TUES. 12/4

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bud Girls Every Wednesday Night $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks/ $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries! Logo Glass Night w/ $4 Pints and $2 Refills Upcoming Logos: Nov 7 Hamm's Premium, Nov 14: Coors Light NFL

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED. 12/5

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells Funday Sunday- Industry Night! $2.00 Anything in the House $5 Personal Pizzas U get It All Here! with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my

YOU A QUESTION

ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU WANT, BECAUSE THE ANSWER WILL ALWAYS BE THAT THE VILLAGE IS THE PLACE FOR YOU! • 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING.

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Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com

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theblacksheeponline.com

bartenders of the week Bartender nickname: @Zazrasta.

Bartender nickname: Green Guys

Relationship status: Single

Sexual preference: Ryan Gosling.

Favorite drink: Green Guy. Sexual fantasy: In the Morrow Plots.

Favorite drink: RumChata, it’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch… in alcohol form.

Best pick-up line that you use: “You lookin’ to get fuc*ed?”

Favorite pizza topping: How much cheese is too much cheese?

Hidden talent: Singing

Opinion on cats: Kittens inspired by kittens.

Favorite sex position: Bionic Seahorse.

Worst fear: Being in the handicapped stall when a handicapped person comes into the bathroom.

Zareena M. the highdive

Biggest turn on: Game of Thrones.

Dream super power: Flying

Sexual fantasy: Ryan Gosling

Biggest turn on: Chicks with muscles

Biggest turn off: Can’t hang with dudes who don’t tip. Celebrity you would take out with your car: Taylor Swift

the drinking game

Campus Winter X-Games In a matter of days campustown will be buried under a foot of snow and unprepared students will be forced to trudge across the icy tundra to class. The only thing better than sitting on your porch watching these poor fools struggling is sitting on your porch watching these poor fools struggling with a big glass of Irish eggnog at your side. What You’ll Need: A warm coat, a chair, and some booze. Number of Players: As many people that want to play. Level of Intoxication: The further north you live the drunker you will get. How to Play: Take one drink when: - You see someone grossly underdressed and shivering. - Somebody gets hit with a snowball. - Somebody is wearing an obnoxious Christmas sweater. Take two drinks when: - Somebody is way overdressed. - Somebody is attempting to ride their bike in the snow. - Somebody gets pushed over into a snow drift.

Meanest thing someone can say to you: “Adam, I’m over here.”

Take three drinks when: -Somebody slips on ice. -Somebody builds or destroys a snowman. Finish your drink when: -You witness a fender-bender. -Somebody mistakes an ice-chunk for a snowball with hilarious consequences.

Game Ends When: Either you get tired of drinking or frostbite sets in.

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adam g. kam's

Biggest turn off: Girls who fart Most embarrassing sexual moment: Pissing in her laundry basket

Recipe for Disaster

Ooey Gooey Chocolate chief Brownies There’s nothing better than the good old-fashioned brownies that grandma used to make. Well, unless you mix some pot in it, too! Don’t let your conscience or DEA relative stop you from deliciousness. Waking and baking has never been so easy or tasty. What You’ll Need: 1 ounce unsweetened chocolate, 2 cups of pot butter, 2 cups white sugar, 3 eggs, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, and 1 cup all-purpose flour. Cook Time: 35 minutes. Fatty Factor: Eating these might cause you to eat more brownies, you fatty fat. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat oven to 350 degrees. - Microwave chocolate and pot butter in large bowl on high for 2 minutes or until butter is melted. - Stir until chocolate is melted. - Stir in sugar, eggs, vanilla, and flour. - Spread in greased 9 x 13 inch pan. - Bake for 35 minutes. You should bring these to your family’s Christmas dinner. Wouldn’t you love to see grandma ripped out of her mind? Sure, your mom would be upset, but seriously, can’t we, like, all just chill and get along?

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page 17

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the booze review Booze Review: Three Olives S’mores Vodka | grade: d Overview: At first glance this one looks like it could be quite a treat. It smells like graham crackers, and it tastes like layers of chocolate and marshmallow. Sure, it’s amazing straight and would be good for a couple shots, but anything past that is just too unbearably sweet. History: Across the pond, over in the United Kingdom, a few men at Three Olives sat down to plan out a new line of flavors that would be exciting and fresh for the company. Not knowing much about what was hip and cool for today’s drinkers, the men decided to look at their current vodka competition across the world. They researched the French vodka company Pinnacle, and American staple Burnett’s to see what made these brands so popular. After a few months of testing flavors, drunken pissing contests, and a couple plates of fish and chips, the answer became clear to the three old men. If you can make an alcoholic beverage resemble the taste of a sweet dessert, the world’s obese population will lap it up. The men started small, with vanilla and chocolate flavors. Then root beer. Then cake. Then "Loopy," which tastes like the sweetened milk left behind after a bowl of Fruit Loops. While those bottles were flying off the shelves in the U.K., the men came across another ground-breaking flavor: s’mores. They produced the concoction in mass amounts and watched the money pour in.

However, in the midst of all this success, they noticed the people of their country slowly deteriorating as they drank it. People gained even more weight, and their teeth rotted out at faster speeds than ever thought imaginable in Britain. The Three Olives execs knew the product had to be pulled to stop the risk of turning into a hideous, third world country, but didn’t want to give up their financial wealth. The men decided to export their vodka bottles to America, because fuck those guys, right? Typical Drinkers: Everyone who bought P90X but never opened it, Girl Scouts, pageant moms, Honey Boo Boo, collectors of Beatles memorabilia, and children left unattended by babysitters. User Comments: “Wow, I really thought this was going to be a good idea.” “It tastes like a shot glass full of cavities.” “Ouch! That fire is really hot!” “I haven’t had s’mores in forever! They’re much better with vodka.” Conclusion: Even its own makers know it’s not the greatest beverage on the market, so they pawn it off on us desperate, insatiable Americans. Talk about a marketing strategy.

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From the Streets

A Prospective Look at Colorado in 2013

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

tex mex wrote this While the equivalent of any Coloradan stoner’s “second coming of Christ” passed a few weeks back, there’s no doubting that it’s going to take plenty of time and incessant giggling over nothing before things really spark into high-gear. Luckily, The Black Sheep’s specialized team of crack analysts, psychics, and professional bullshitters have developed a conclusive look into the state’s green future. The categories below are listed in order of importance on a scale from, “I’m not even feeling it, bro!” to, “What the hell do you mean you can’t microwave pancake mix?”

What will you do to live it up before the apocalypse next month?" "Eat all the Twinkies." - Vince P.

Economics: Most of Colorado’s economic stimulus stems from the proper reselling and retail consumption of the wonder herb, making everyone’s favorite Centennial State the wealthiest part of America. It greatly benefits from a black market exporting to rich college kids in California. Bands like The Grateful Dead and Phish also are reaping from what the legislation sows, with weekly reissues and “Greatest Hits” albums consistently selling exponentially high on music charts. Environment: It was scientifically proven before and still stands: Amateur attempts at growing weed cause more environmental problems than Al Gore can stomach. But with Colorado adopting the leaf as the state flower, state parks and forest preserves in turn become staples in weekend getaways and family vacations. There’s the issue of a perpetual overcast of hazy, potent smog that appears to be breaching the borders of Utah and Kansas. Concerned environmentalists make attempts to rectify this matter, but being outside any longer than five minutes generally makes them pretty lax about it anyway, with the latest natural crisis report reading, “It’s all good, man.” Music: After the mega-success of a true comeback, Woodstock 2013 causes inferior festivals such as Lollapalooza and Coachella to wither away as shameful excuses for good music to just chill to. Due to a killer headlining act featuring Sublime with the recent zombification of frontman Bradley Nowell, Rolling Stone deems the music fest as “literally the best fucking thing ever” in its special all-hemp printed April issue. Studies also show that the prick who plays his guitar next door actually doesn’t sound that bad, and you should totally check it out. Food: Within a matter of months, the companies responsible for manufacturing Doritos, pizza rolls, and every snack pastry available (RIP, Hostess) relocate to Colorado to form a conglomerate that forces supermarkets to expand the snack section by five aisles (because no one buys their hair-care products or greeting cards from Jewel-Osco anyway). Several Taco Bells across the state undergo extensive remodeling to accommodate the sudden influx in customers, with many establishments resembling fancier sit-down restaurants wherein reservations must be made weeks in advance. Education: With D.A.R.E. officers in the state officially losing their jobs, kids have progressed, and cocaine has taken mari-

juana’s place as an official gateway drug. High schoolers still lack the capacity to shut the hell up about anything concerning their exploits with drugs, though first-time experiences no longer come as direct results from Dave Mathews Band concerts. On the collegiate level, state universities such as U of Colorado see massive waves of applicants from all reaches of the United States, garnering attributes listing the university as the “Most 420-Friendly Campus” in America. Botany and philosophy consequently become the most popular majors to declare, and kids from Berkeley still cry themselves to sleep every night. Leisure: Even with scientific insight, there really isn’t anything more self-explanatory on this list than how stoners will spend their time in a state that legalizes recreational drug use. Coloradan’s 21-and-older experience only the very best in philosophical and engaging sophistication in their conversations, oftentimes covering subjects from international fiscal policies and relations, the existential human condition with respects to the existence of God, and which /r/trees post will gain them the most karma on Reddit. Common party games for casual get-togethers naturally include, “No, Seriously, Where Are My Keys?” “Poptart Sandwich Crafting,” and, “Hippy High-Yay, Motherfucker," a game that encourages players to watch Die Hard and toke up whenever Bruce Willis kills a terrorist, swears, or delivers a one-liner. Who knows if all these things will really happen in the future. All we know is that this staff is moving its headquarters to Colorado as soon as we can.

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page 19

continued from the cover

If you’re feeling a bit courageous, volunteer to say grace before the meal. This is where you make the transformation from cautious defense to assertive initiative. The great thing about saying grace is that anything goes. You can rattle off one of Aesop’s fables, recite a moving monologue from a powerful movie (feel free to quote 300, “Tonight we dine in Hell!”), or just say some lyrics from a Creed song as if you were making them up on the spot. Don’t just settle for the bare minimum, challenge yourself. Before sitting down for dinner, flip open the dictionary, randomly pick two words, then find a way to put those words into your gracious speech. You’ll have to get creative if you end up with “potassium” and “kleptomania,” but it’s not like anyone’s going to listen to your speech that hard anyway. Everyone is just going to be dying for you to shut up so they can dig in. Best case scenario: You’ll get a lucky selection and get to say something like this with a straight face, “Thank you Lord for saving us from the carpetbaggers and blessing our nation with a bountiful yield of poppyseeds.” There is no doubt that the topic of “The War on Christmas” will be brought up at the dinner table. This will be your ultimate test. You will want to bring up the fact that nearly a quarter of all Americans don’t celebrate Christmas, or that Christmas was actually ruined years ago when it became a holiday of consumerism and greed rather than one of, well, religion. But there is no need to say these things. Just sit back, relax, and relish in the fact that the great Santa Butcher of America was recently re-elected by a landslide. If you manage to last until December 26th without getting struck by lightning, congratulations! Somehow you lasted the entire holiday season without interrogating your Grandma about the logistical implausibility of fitting two of every animal on a single boat or the evolutionary outlier that is a talking snake. You’ve earned yourself a good old fashioned Reason Riot, and now it’s time for the post-Christmas binge. Lock the door, close the blinds, and load up a YouTube playlist of Christopher Hitchens videos. In thirty minutes you should feel the synapses starting to reform in your head. If this feeling lasts for more than four hours, call your doctor, and tell him that Pascal’s Wager ignores the fundamental truth that you can no sooner choose to believe in god than you can choose to believe the world is flat. Now that you got that out of your system, it’s a good time to stop. Allow yourself some time to cool down, then reenter society refreshed and rejuvenated for a brand new year. A merry happy wintertime jollyfest to all!

"Somehow you lasted the entire holiday season without interrogating your Grandma about the logistical implausibility of fitting two of every animal on a single boat."

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A Party, Carol

(Apologies to Charles Dickens) By: Brendan

he show was dead to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The DJ spun haplessly while the security looked onto the vacant dance floor happily. Carol had been to shows like this before, and she knew this one was dead in the water. Oh! But she was a pill-addled sound hound, Carol. She would chase MDMA with ketamine, washing down her cocktail with simultaneous hits from a nitrous tank and a bong. For this Carol was well-known in the rave scene, notorious for her love of intoxicants. Bros and hoes alike would recoil at the ghastly visage of dilated pupils and an ear-to-ear grin.

to tunnel to a pinpoint. “Stay calm,” Carol thought to herself, “Keep breathing, you’ve been through this before.” Sure enough, the darkness retreated from her vision. Standing before her now was a small girl. Carol was concerned, muttering, “Little girl, what are you doing here?” “What are you doing here?” said the girl. Carol was growing suspicious. “I’m allowed to be here, you, on the other hand, it must be past your bedtime. Let’s go find a sec—“

But what did Carol care! It was the very thing she liked. To thrust herself into a crowded pit, with all human reckoning at a distance.

“No Carol,” the little girl said, “what are you doing here? I’d guess a fair amount of MDMA, definitely some cocaine, and…acid?”

She had a dozen hits of acid in her back pocket, a hitter rod, a gram of pure molly, a few bumps of coke and all the beer she could convince these loser boys to buy her. Just then Rob Crotchitch—a freshman whom Carol regularly saw at these events—scampered up.

Astonished, Carol replied, “How…what?”

“You holding?” He asked, hopefully. “I suppose you’re not.” Carol uttered out of the side of her mouth. “If you have a hit—anything, I’ll take it.” “I don’t.” Crotchitch looked despondent, “Well, if anything does turn up, don’t forget about ole’ Robbie.” “Right,” Carol said as Rob scampered back into the fog-heavy darkness. When Carol was certain Rob could no longer see her she dashed to the restroom, set on getting her fix. Locking the stall door behind her, Carol fished in her pockets for her stash. “Get my drugs, will you, Rob?” she muttered under angry breath, “Not on my watch.” With that she swallowed everything in her possession, certain to enjoy her night alone. As she exited the bathroom Carol was shocked to see Rob Crotchitch. “What were you doing in there, Carol?” It was more accusation than question. “None of your business, Rob.” The interrogation continued, “Well then, what’s that white stuff under your nose?” Carol knew she was had. Choosing to drop any pretence of innocence, she came clean. “Yeah, so what? They’re mine. My drugs, my body.” “I’ve—I’ve,” he stammered, jaw on the floor, “I want to take psychoactives and go on adventures in my mind. I want to dance with pink elephants and talk to toad princes, and you, Carol, you’ve taken that away! A bad trip, that’s what I hope you have!” Rob danced back into the darkness. Carol stood for a moment in silence before letting out a cackle, certain to stare at a wall while contemplating the universe’s deepest secrets.

ome hours had passed by, loud music crawling over Carol’s body as she danced, blissfully unaware of her surroundings. Then, in a moment her vision began

“Carol, I’m not a child. I’m the Ghost of Parties Past. I’d like to show you something.” Before she knew it, Carol’s vision was again narrowing, pulling back to reveal a sunny day in the back yard of her parents’ house. “Is this - ?” “Yes Carol, it is,” the ghost assured her. “And this isn’t just any old day. It’s July 30th, 1999.” “My seventh birthday?” Just then a small girl ran outside, flitting left and right giggling, smiling, with cake frosting covering her face. “Mom, look! Butterflies!” The young girl squealed.

Carol snapped her head back at the Ghost of Parties Present saying, “That’s me!” before hearing it echo behind her moments later.

“Like I said, two hours. I’m not going to let this wedding go to shit because you can’t get your head out of your own ass.”

“It most certainly is, but look again.”

Carol’s mind started racing. She’d like to have gotten married a little earlier in life, but she couldn’t object to this.

Carol did, and her shock slowly turned to embarrassment. She was staring blankly into the distance, muttering nonsense to an illusion no one else could see. Behind her were boys and girls pointing, sniggering, mocking a girl destined for YouTube shame. The Ghost of Parties Present whispered, “This is what you defend?” “I don’t have to answer to anyone, get me out of—“ Just then her vision began to go dim before snapping back. She turned her head intending to confront those standing behind her laughing. Instead, there stood a withered old woman taking a drag off of a cigarette.

“A

nd who the hell are you?”

The ghost looked sadly at Carol. “Yes, your seventh birthday. Look at how carefree you are. Hopped up on nothing more than sugar and irrational love of butterflies, you’re enjoying life. No drugs, no beer, no vague nihilistic sense that everything is for naught.”

“I’d have thought you’d have this figured out by now,” the woman ashed her cigarette on the floor.

Tears were welling up in Carol’s eyes but she fought them back, defending herself. “Yeah, but things are different now. Life’s different—it’s harder, I have class and work and things are just…different now.”

“Certainly.”

“Yes Carol, they are,” the Ghost of Parties Past said as Carol’s vision again began to tunnel.

s Carol regained her vision there was a boy of her age dressed in a white collared shirt and black dress slacks standing in front of her. “And you are?” she asked flatly. She was getting the hang of this. “I’m the Ghost of Parties Present.” “I supposed you’re taking me to see some more butterflies or something, right?” Carol was getting annoyed. “Show me that everything’s still wonderful if you’re willing to just…I don’t know, be a moron who lets out her inner child, or something?” The Ghost of Parties Present remained calmly distant, “No Carol, I’d just like you to turn around.” She did, just in time to see an oddly familiar face saying, “…know, be a moron who lets out her inner child, or something?”

“Well, can you just do the vision thing so we can get this over with?”

Moments later Carol found herself at the doorstep of a large mansion. Perfectly-manicured shrubs nestled up against an ark of a house. She turned around to see a driveway lined with unpronounceable Italian cars. “This doesn’t seem so bad.” The Ghost of Parties Future agreed, “You’re right, let’s head inside.” Carol and the apparition winded through endless hallways for what seemed like hours, never running into another soul. Finally, Carol heard some conversation in the distance. “What? No. I said I needed you to make sure the roses were delivered this morning.” Carol smiled, she loved roses. “Listen, they need to be here in two hours or I’m simply not paying for them.” And he’s assertive. Carol looked at the ghost and smiled. The ghost looked grim. “Let’s keep walking,” she said. Soon they turned a corner. A man in his late forties continued to argue over the phone.

“Yes, the name’s Robert Crotchitch.” Her heart sank. She spun around to confront the Ghost of Parties Future. “Just what in the hell is this? There’s no way I’m marrying fuckin’ Rob Crotchitch.” “I know you’re not, just watch.” Soon enough out strolled a young 20-something woman. Beautiful, tall, lithe, she walked up to Robert and kissed him softly. Rob looked mildly distressed. “Baby, I’m not supposed to see you until the ceremony.” “I know,” the model said, “but I just wanted to say again…” “I know.” Carol looked at the ghost, “What is the meaning of all this?” The Ghost of Parties Future lit up another menthol, sucking in a lungful of smoke. “Earlier tonight you denied Rob Crotchitch anything. Hurt, he left. Walking home he had an idea—a way to improve distribution models for pharmaceutical companies the world over. He threw himself into the idea. By the time he was 25 he was already worth hundreds of millions of dollars. He sold, retired early, and lives his dreams, all because you chose not to give him a hit of acid.” “But—“ “There’s no buts about it, Carol. While you burn out, he burns bright. You helped him get to where he is, no doubt, but he doesn’t owe you a damn thing.” Carol was beginning to panic, “And what about me?” “Not a damn thing…” the words rung in Carol’s ears as her vision again narrowed. When she came to she was lying in her bed. It was morning. “I’m never doing drugs again,” she thought to herself. Moments later she sucked a hit of weed from a bowl, intent on napping away last night’s nightmare. “Well, no more drugs, starting tomorrow.”

the interview

nick waterhouse

Nick Waterhouse, a self-described California rhythm and blues man, knows his roots, and he funks the fuck out of them. On tour in Europe, he happily answered some of our questions about his breed of music. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: When it comes to songwriting, how do you approach it? Nick Waterhouse: I’ve found that some songs begin as larger, vague conceptions, like a fog, where I have this blob of rhythm and sounds, as well as concept or theme. Then I have to squint harder through the fog to figure it out. It’s almost like attempting to “remember” the parts, like I’m remembering something I never knew. It’s very close to the feeling of waking and trying to recall specifics of a dream. Once I’ve sorted that out, I find it’s often the rhythms that come about. I’ll have a rhythm or drum part with notes that often follow those in my mind. It’s the same with fragments of words. Some songs have lines that are years old that I’ve scratched somewhere that take on a different dimension. The material on Time’s All Gone, much of it was being prepared for live performance while I was developing it, so I would approach my musicians and say, “Drums, repeat this bit.” Then I’m having the bass do a figure that makes sense, or giving people chords to fall under. It’s really adding layers and layers after that, and following the changes I had mapped out before involving other people. TBS: When you’re recording a song does it have to be perfect before you’re happy with it, or do little flaws add a certain amount of honesty to the music? NW: Strangers tell me I make really over-perfect music, and strangers tell me I make really flawed music. What I will say is that I refuse to do anything until I feel it’s right, and only I know what that is. I really believe in an organic approach to performance and recording, but having high standards. TBS: You obviously have a lot of R&B/soul influences, how did you get interested in that kind of music? NW: People talk about how language works in the brain, and what your “native” inner voice is thinking in. I always heard things like Van Morrison, BB King, John Lee Hooker, Aretha Franklin, soul or R&B, whatever you’d like to call it, growing up. I also heard a lot of those sounds reflected in things that were rock and roll, whether it was Elvis Costello, Tom Petty, Kinks, Stones, whatever. You know, when you are 15 and you are fantasizing about performing “Daddy Rolling Stone” in a sweaty club, and not about winning a baseball game, or shredding guitar, or driving off in a new Mercedes with a babe, it’s the sort of a personal truth that might tell you where your heart is. TBS: Do you ever worry that your music may be - for lack of a better term - too old school for modern listeners? NW: I only worry about it when people want to talk to me about it. I really didn’t care when I made all the music you hear on the record. I really, really didn’t care because I am a modern person and I was making something that made absolute sense to me in the present -- which really had nothing to do with eras, and had a lot more to do with combination of personality, artistry, and craftsmanship. TBS: The “Some Place” video looked like it was a riot to make; any good stories come out of it? NW: The best part of that video was the fact that we ran out of fake champagne bottles in the rental limo scene, and had to do take after take of me with the real deal. By the end of that shoot it was definitely beyond method. TBS: For something like that video, is it actually fun to do, or is it work making it look like that much fun? NW: It is work unless you’re getting drunk. But then you’re drunk on champagne, not my favorite feeling, and having to continue shooting as your buzz wears off and the headache sets in. TBS: Your brand of music translates really well to a live show, but what’s your approach to live music? NW: Every song is a case-by-case basis, and should be performed as such. To me, one disconnect I have noticed is that I cut much of my album very live, so people are thrown by how much I manage to get the same sound in a live setting, almost as if they’ve been conditioned to expect less. The thing is, all the recordings were sung and played 110%, so if you get that live feeling, you shouldn’t feel cheated. TBS: What do you think is the best thing to happen to music in the last 10 years? NW: The internet. TBS: The worst? NW: What everyone did with the internet. The continued perpetuation of the same methods under the guise of liberation. Pitchfork is essentially the Castro regime of music culture -- they represent the largest potential promise of a new kind of society that became a dictatorship as bad as or worse than the one it replaced. TBS: What band did you like as a child that that today you’re like, “Really, Nick? Them?” NW: Reggie and the Full Effect. Adolescence was very confusing. TBS: If you could have a mythological creature as a pet, what would you choose and why? NW: Easy. Mermaid. It would be like I had Bimbo’s 365 club floor in my living room. Slightly erotic, not much cleanup. I’m really an ocean person at heart.

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

Killing Them Softly In Theaters November 30th Based off the 1974 novel Cogan’s Trade, this gangster crime film stars impossibly sexy Brad Pitt as a professional enforcer who investigates a heist that occurs during a high-stakes, mob-protected poker game. Assumedly lots of crime and shady business happens in-between the all star cast, featuring actors continuing to get rich off of Italian stereotypes, James Gandolfini and Ray Liotta. Award season, here they come!

Catfish: The TV Show Monday, December 3rd at 11pm on MTV Nev Shulman’s TV show brain-child (inspired by his own online relationship gone awry) showcases yet another couple who’ve developed a supposedly very real online relationship and are mad in love. In this episode, two young people are fittin’ to meet IRL after two years of hot and heaving texting. Will it be a catfish, or will it be true love?

Ke$ha - Warrior Out December 4th The glittery passed-out Princess of Pop seems to be turning a new leaf on her second studio album, Warrior. Coming off of a spiritual journey where she “just needed to play with animals,” Ke$ha came back to record a magical album that finally shows her relatively decent pipes. Listen to her lead single “Die Young,” and check out her Bob Dylan cover of “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” to hear those impressive vocals.

Al l nighter l i brary Drinking game You’ll be stuck in the library for the better part of this week. And if you’re not stuck in the library, you’ll be thinking about how you should be in the library studying instead of “taking a break before the next exam” by taking shots of absinthe up the keister. Never fear, with The Black Sheep’s Library Drinking Game, you can pull an all-nighter in the library while taking a booze break at the same time! No more guilt for you, it’s all good grades from here on out!

8 p.m. – 11 p.m.

3 a.m. – 5 a.m.

Take a drink for every fleeting feeling of confidence you have. Take a drink every time you think “I’ve got plenty of time!” Take drink when you think about regulating your caffeine intake. Take two drinks for every video you catch yourself watching instead of studying. Take two drinks every time you catch yourself deep in the random acquaintance area of Facebook. Take five drinks when you realize you’ve been here three hours and haven’t even opened your book.

Take a drink after “one chapter down, nine to go!” Take a drink when you realize you’re the only person in the library. Take a drink when it’s time to get another coffee. Take a drink when you have to “Just get up and walk around a little bit.” Take two drinks when you forlornly look out the window for twenty minutes. Take three drinks while having acidic, molten coffee craps. Finish your drink when you start heading home, then turn around and GET BACK IN THE GOD DAMN LIBRARY.

11 p.m. – 1 a.m.

5 a.m. – 8 a.m.

Take a drink when you finally open your book. Take a drink every time someone comes and goes from your table. Take two drinks if you decide you’ll concentrate better in one of those cube things. Take two drinks every time library security walks by. Take two drinks when you spend 10 minutes organizing iTunes. Finish your drink if you start spending more time asking around for Adderall than actually studying.

Take a drink when you decide it’s nap time, again. Take a drink when you hit snooze, then flip everyone off for glaring at you because your phone just blew up. Take two drinks when you write a “Genius sentence, the real kicker to this paper, the one that solidifies an A” but it’s the only sentence you’ve written so far. Take two drinks when a librarian tells you not to lean back in your chair. Finish your drink when you think “I studied drunk so that means I have to take the test drunk. Because science.”

1 a.m. – 3 a.m.

8 a.m. – test time

Take a drink when you think “Being drunk in the library is actually pretty fun!” Take a drink when you wake up with the pages of your book stuck you your face. Take a drink for every other person sleeping in the library. Take two drinks to wash down the third bag of Hot Cheetos you just bought from the vending machine. Take two drinks every time you start sweating. Take three drinks when you “accidentally” start looking at porn. Finish your drink when you start crafting a sob-story excuseemail to your professor.

Take a drink when you think “fuck school, man, life is for livin’”. Take a drink when the sun comes up. Take two drinks when an overwhelming, albeit false sense of accomplishment washes over you. Take two drinks when you realize there have been other students soberly plugging away for three straight days. Take three drinks when you see someone else from your class. (Four if they’re drunk too.) Take five drinks when you start walking to the wrong final. Finish your drink when your professor grants you permission to miss the final. Really finish your drink when you realize you now have to kill your grandma.

the crossword

in the year 2000 Across

3) One of the official Olympic mascots was a native bird. 7) He lost to George W. 8) 2000 marked the start of a new this. 9) Sean Parker’s website that got sued by Metallica. 12) The fastest selling rap album of all time happened this year, by this white boy. 14) John Mellencamp received a Doctorate of Music from this university. 19) N*SYNC set a first-week sales record with this album. 20) This show gave us a glimpse into some ballin’ pads.

11) This country got second at the Olympics. 13) This pop princess won Best New Artist. 15) The Academy Award for Best Picture. 16) The Razz for Worst Film, starring Will, WIll Smith. 17) Had the sketch “In The Year 2000.” 18) This artist changed his name back from his former unpronounceable symbol.

Down

1) This team won their third straight World Series championship. 2) This city won the Super Bowl. 4) This lady-focused TV channel launched in February. 5) Cory’s universe ended this year. 6) This artist won a record 8 Grammy’s in one night, tying Michael Jackson’s 1984 record. 10) These Olympics were down under.

Answers

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