The Black Sheep
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Vol. 23, Issue 14
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
11/20/13 - 12/4/13
American Families to Celebrate Thanksgiving
Outside of Favorite Department Stores By: Tex Mex
With more and more department and electronics stores opening their doors for Black Friday shoppers earlier than ever before, families across the country will be holding their Thanksgiving dinners just outside of shopping centers everywhere, so long as they do not cross the roped-off queue. Several of these families have already begun reserving their dinner arrangements, with the south brick wall of Toys R’ Us and the ashtray outside of Best Buy providing the most popular seating areas. Most of these timeless Thanksgiving feasts are predicted to feature Hormel thin-cut deli turkey, Rockstar energy drinks, Crunchwrap Supremes from Taco Bell, Funyuns, and Little Debbie Zebra Cakes (just like grandma used to make). But for once, Thanksgiving isn’t just about the food, as families begin to rekindle within themselves the true meaning of the holiday. “It’s really just about bringing the family together,” said recently-divorced Brian Langman. “Thanksgiving is about buying things for the people you love just to see that special smile on their face. Plus, if I don’t get my son both an Xbox One and PS4 like I impulsively promised during a custody argument, I can kiss visitation rights goodbye.” Other more heartwarming, less depressing images of this recent resurgence of
the All-American family were more abundant, with mothers brewing hot chocolate for the kids and fathers watching over their placement in line like rabid hyenas ready to slash a cutter’s jugular at any given moment. “To be honest, we’ve always loved Thanksgiving more than any other holiday,” commented neighborhood wonderdad Dan Rivers. “There are just so many things that Christmas can’t get you, like a Samsung 55” 1080p 240Hz LED HDTV for just $730, or the entire Mummy series on DVD for $3. But most of all, I just like that the whole family can finally come together and spend time with each—hang on, I’m sorry. Hey, buddy? I tried to keep things civil, but if you try to cut my daughter in line one more time I WILL GUT YOU LIKE A FUCKING FISH IN FRONT OF YOUR ENTIRE GODDAMN FAMILY.” After Rivers was arrested for aggravated assault with a retractable box opener, the rest of his family appropriately moved one more place in line while continuing their week-early Thanksgiving celebration. As the rest of the line moved up at the pace of frozen, shriveled earthworms, civility was maintained for another 10 minutes before another man’s face was forcibly seared with a George Foreman Grill when caught stealing price-matching ads from the family behind him. The family has safely secured their crumpled Wal-Mart
electronics deals page from the assailant. Reports show that some families have even decided to begin their bountiful feasts an entire week early with plans to
store the nutrients gained through hibernation so that losing their place line will be impossible. Holiday traffic has since tripled in normal road congestion with one dinged-up overloaded minivan for
every three Pizza Hut delivery vehicles. Accidents are being reported as some of the most “deliciously smelling” in recent history. continued on page 19
page 5 The First Fratsgiving Preston recounts last year's Thanksgiving and why he's no longer allowed back.
page 9 Thanksgiving Officially Swallowed Up by Christmas
page 18 Bus Driver is Secretly Relationship Guru
Christmas has breached the holiday barrier, all hope is lost.
Advises Chancellor Wise to try anal.
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#goodtimes Word
Puritanicall
of the
Kitty Kat, So I’ve been dating this girl for 3 years now, and we have yet to spend a holiday together with one of our families. This year, I finally manned up and asked if I could eat Thanksgiving dinner with her at her aunt’s house. She was thrilled and said it would be no problem at all, but now I’m terrified I’m going to look like a fool. Any advice? Thanks, A Cooked Goose Dear Scared Dude, Congrats man for growing a pair and going after it. Let’s just hope her family is full of good cooks and funny drunk uncles or you’re going to have one long night. If you want to make a good first impression, there are definitely a lot of easy things you can do. If you’re 21, pick up a bottle of wine to bring along. For some reason party hosts always get a boner over those things, even though seven times out of ten they’re not even opened that night. If you’re underage, opt for a cheese platter or a small bouquet of flowers. Just bring something to show your girlfriend that you care and to show her family that even though you’re banging that chick on the reg, you’re a romantic guy deep down. Next, remember your manners. No burping, puking, spitting, swearing or shitting yourself at the table. All of these things should be done quietly in the upstairs bathroom … or in the car ride on the way home. Just keep all your gross habits out of sight for the evening. And if you have to fart after eating all that stuffing, wait for her grandpa to do it first. Then you have the green light. When the night winds down and you’re ready to go home, make sure you personally thank everyone for allowing you to come—even if you didn’t say one word to them the entire night. Tell your girlfriend’s parents that out of everything in this world, you’re most thankful for her dad’s powerful and persistent semen, because without it your precious little girl wouldn’t have been born. You’ll be welcomed back for Christmas for sure!
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Any phone sex session that refuses to use swear words. “If you want to make a puritanicall, simply say, “Oh yeah baby, I want you to massage my man parts while I lick your sex organ.’”
Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UIUC First right answer wins a prize! Last Week’s Answer: The Oregon Duck
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UIUC and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
Gobble gobble, Kitty Kat
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Big-headed fratire founder could use this 80s computer-generated host to help house an inflated ego. Last Week’s Answer: Lamar Odometer
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The First
Fratsgiving By: Preston Banks Now, I don’t hate being at home. I like to visit the fam' every once in awhile for a short detox but then I’m back to the House of ‘Paign for another retox. Thanksgiving break is just way too long and after what happened last year, I’m not so sure I’m welcome anymore… It was the day before Thanksgiving. My mind was already numb with the constant drone of the damn vacuum cleaner going back and forth in the upstairs hallway. I never had to deal with this shit back on campus. The halls of my frat were caked with food crumbs, old gum and just a splash of alcohol, but no one ever complained about it. Clearly my stay-at-home mom had nothing better to do than suck up dust bunnies and bore the hell out of me. I peered over into the kitchen to see my brother John sitting at the table. John was a freshman and the biggest geed you’d ever meet. (The dude lives in Allen Hall, if that’s any indication. He practically banned himself from Champaign with that move alone.) I had been trying to get him to pledge my frat for weeks in an attempt to pull him out
of the bowels of Urbana. This was the week I was finally going to convince him to become a man. “Whaddup, bro?” I slid into the seat next to him with a fresh can of Keystone, a coming home gift I bought for myself even though my dad had some tight bottles of Heineken in the fridge. “So we got that family party tomorrow, you stoked?” “Uh, I guess?” he replied raising his eyebrow over his stupid thick-framed Ray-Bans. “It’s just Thanksgiving at grandma’s.” “A party’s a party, dude! And you know what that means? All the free booze we want … so long as we sneak it in the bathroom. Am I right?” I asked, punching him in the shoulder. He stared at me for a few moments before rolling his eyes and walking away. “Whatever, dude, tomorrow’s going to be epic. You’ll see.” The next morning I woke up ready to start pregaming. I grabbed my bottle of Jäger and threw back some doubles while Skrillex’s
“Bangarang” played through my bedroom stereo. After my sixth round, I stumbled into my brother’s room with a half-tucked in polo and my trusty Chicago Bulls snapback. “Theme … theme party,” I slurred, “We’re doing ‘Colony Bros and Indian Hos,’ got it? Can I borrow your pilgrim belt?” Not amused and unfazed by my state of drunkenness, John helped me out to the car where my parents were waiting. When we arrived at my grandma’s, I could feel the alcohol leaving my system. I quickly whipped out my flask and chugged down the rest. I was ready to turn this family party up a notch. “Heeeeeyyyyooo!” I yelled as soon as my grandma answered the door. Startled and confused, my entire family stared at me as I fist bumped everyone in the room and gave a little ass squeeze to some of the younger babes in attendance. I began clearing off the dining room table to make room for a game of BP when my grandma dragged me aside.
TWERK BEFORE TURKEY DAY
“Preston, I think you should go into the back room and lie down,” she muttered as sternly as an IFC officer. With a head nod up and a wink, I made my way to the “back room,” clearly the OK for me to smoke some hash and increase my appetite. After a quick blaze and a few shots of Listerine mouthwash, I made my way back into the main room where I unexpectedly had the urge to break the seal. Before I could even unzip my fly to take a corner piss, my brother rushed over to stop me. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he screamed at me. Before I could protest, I spotted her. Long legs, toned ass and tits like Kate Upton. “Who’s that slampiece?” I wondered aloud,
“I’d like to take her ass to bucktown.” Horrified, my brother harshly whispered, “Preston, that’s our 12-year-old cousin Claire! She’s in the sixth grade!” But my booze-infested brain didn’t compute the message, and I slowly made my way over to her. As soon as I opened my mouth to speak, a rush of nausea hit me. At the exact moment my grandmother placed the roasted turkey on the table, I turned and blew chunks over the entire bird. Needless to say, there was really nothing to be thankful for that year when the turkey was covered in regurgitated Jäger. But my parents did decide that it was best for me to head back to campus early. And that, my friends, was the greatest blessing of them all.
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Uncle Tim Asks Grandma to Pass Mashed Potatoes By: Kitty Kat
In a filthy apartment littered with empty bottles of Evan Williams and pizza boxes filled with sad remnants of Drew’s Pizza crusts, Illinois sophomore and Orange Krush member Peter Willington has harsh words for recent University of Kansas basketball recruit Cliff Alexander.
“I don’t understand what his deal is,” Cousin Vince said. “We were passing all the dishes around in the typical clockwise fashion, and it wasn’t even his turn for the potatoes yet.”
She then proceeded to pass the potatoes across the table to Tim, skipping half the family in the process. “Are you kidding me? You stupid old hag!” motherin-law Susan yelled down the table, who, at the time, only had a crescent roll and a small portion of cranberry sauce on her plate. Uncle Tim said he breached the traditional “passing of the plates” out of fear. “I saw how much Grandpa Joe scooped out and knew that my niece Christine was going to double that on her own plate. I got concerned
Cliff Alexander to “F***ing Die” By: Brendan
The Lawrence family Thanksgiving dinner came to a screeching halt fifteen minutes ago when Uncle Tim asked Grandma Rose to pass the mashed potatoes across the table.
Grandma Rose, obviously confused by the situation, stared him blankly in the face for a whole minute while holding up the rest of the food passing chain. “I wasn’t sure if I heard him correctly," she said. "I even reached up to adjust my hearing aid, but it was at the highest volume. I can’t believe that son-of-a-bitch actually asked like that.”
Orange Krush Member Wants
there wouldn’t be any left by the time it got to me. And they looked so good!” Tim’s opinion on the potatoes was confirmed by a quick glance of the Corningware dish—a mound of fluffy, white potatoes with the perfect ratio of butter, salt and a small dash of garlic powder. Other relatives rolled their eyes at Tim’s behavior. “This is so typical of him,” said his wife, Aunt Tina. “Take, take, take. That’s all he does.” After dumping a lump of the potatoes on his plate, Uncle Tim searched around the table for his next necessary item while Vince Guaraldi Trio Peanuts songs happily played in the background. “Hey Jeff, can you pass the gravy boat?”
"Listen, I get that [Cliff’s] doing what's right for him and his family, but it really frustrates me that he isn't doing what's right for me— er, for Illinois Basketball, no, the state in general. So yeah, I hope they have to identify his body using only dental records. How are you gonna dunk now, you dead bitch?" This resentment comes on the heels of Alexander’s Friday commitment to Kansas, a live TV event that saw the 5-star 18-year-old Chicago native feign donning an Illinois cap, only to set it back down to happily place a University of Kansas hat on his head.
“Sure, we may not have the national spotlight of Kansas, or the resources of Kansas or the tradition or prestige of Kansas,” Willington says, “but dude, I still don't see why that’s a good reason for him not to come here to play basketball." Delusional Illinois fans the state over share similar feelings towards the yet-to-graduate
high school student. Most share Willington’s lament: "Now I'm going to have to go to school for four years and have the basketball team not go to the Final Four. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But I do wish Bill Self and Cliff Alexander get into a burning, fatal car crash on the way to their first game."
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Tim Beckman to Eat Thanksgiving Dinner Alone in Stands of Memorial Stadium By: Benny Boy Tim Beckman woke in a cold sweat in his office. For a moment he was lost in the world between dreaming and awake, still fearful of the wild Indian which had been pursuing him through his slumber, yet acutely aware of the unending terrors of the waking hours. At first, preoccupied by the nightmares of the darkness, it took Beckman a minute to realize where he was. Christ, where am I? Did I fall asleep in the bin of practice pinnies again? Crawling out from the sweaty pile of dirty practice clothes, Beckman flipped open his Nokia prepaid phone and saw in a harsh green flash of light the words “Thursday, November 28.” Jesus, Beckman thought to himself, it’s Thanksgiving. As Beckman roused himself from his groggy state, he became aware of how cold his office was. Looking around the room, Beckman noted the source of the cold draft as a broken window with a trail of blood leading from it to his injured hand. Shit. I must have locked myself out again. How drunk was I last night? Beckman wondered as he lumbered across the room to get a drink of water to cleanse his palate, which had become
inundated with the taste of tequila and cigarette ash. Accidentally grabbing his dip spit container, Beckman vomited onto his filthy shirt. No. Oh god. This was my last shirt. Pangs of hunger were striking Beckman, inducing his primordial instinct to find sustenance. After removing his soiled shirt, Beckman reached into his pocket for change. Thirty cents. How long had it been since he had money? There was no way for him to know. Reality and intoxication had become intertwined. Looking around his office, Beckman grabbed the heaviest object he could find, his old Forest Park High School football helmet, and proceeded through the broken window and into the hallway. Beckman came up to the soda machine, which had become his primary source of income during the “dark ages,” a term he had coined for this period in his life. Gripping his helmet, Beckman swung the relic from his youth into the coin receptor of the machine. After four good swings the machine broke open, spilling coins across the floor. Beckman hurriedly scooped the coins into his pockets,
worried that the night inspector may have heard. In his haste, Beckman noticed that the blow had also broken his beloved helmet in half. He attempted to pick up the broken pieces of his past but had to flee when he heard footsteps proceeding down the hall. Despite the blistering cold, Beckman proceeded up Fourth Street towards Green. When he arrived, he noticed that every shop was closed. Checking his phone once again, he noticed that it was 4:30 in the morning, a detail he had grossly overlooked. With no place else to go, Beckman continued to Lincoln and stopped into the Circle K. With the $3.45 he had in his pocket he purchased a Marie Callender’s turkey dinner and an Olde English. The walk back to Memorial Stadium was cold and sobering. As he approached Armory Avenue, he was stopped by a police cruiser. In a panic, Beckman broke out into a run towards the stadium. The perplexed officers, who stopped simply to see if this confused man needed a ride home, went on with their beat without thought for the strange apparition they
had happened upon. Beckman continued his sprint into Memorial Stadium for fear of the night inspector catching him on his way inside. In a blind hurry, Beckman found himself running past his office and onto the field. He ran up the stands but stopped when the duct tape holding his shoes together became unraveled, leaving his feet exposed to the cold concrete. There was as good a spot as any to enjoy his Thanksgiving meal. It’s Thanksgiving, and
all I’m thankful for is this bottle of booze, Beckman thought as he opened up his Olde English, which exploded all over him. Cold, hungry and defeated, Beckman took the empty bottle, held it the same way he used to hold a football at Forest Park High School, and threw it at the field goal post, missing it by a substantial margin. “God damnit,” he said aloud, before digging his dirty fingers into his frozen Thanksgiving meal.
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Free Fireworks! By: Scotty g. It’s been a disappointing year for the University of Illinois football squad. After a couple wins in the opening weeks, they’ve come down hard with a long string of losses. With the team’s “surprising” struggles (because seriously, no one saw it coming), there’s been a new development. Each year, the employees working for Memorial Stadium have to purchase fireworks to shoot off each time the team scores a touchdown. It’s part of their job to estimate how many touchdowns will be scored throughout the season, but the only problem is that this year's team is dangerously behind the expected number of touchdowns the crew predicted before the season began. Unless offensive production increases dramatically (which we all know it won’t), they are going to have a ton of leftover fireworks at the end of the season. And as we all know, fireworks expire in nine months, like an exploding baby. So the school has compiled a short list of occassions in which they will give
out fireworks to meet their quota for the year. Birthday Celebrations: If it’s your birthday, you’re in luck! You’re entitled to a backpack full of whatever fireworks you want. You will have to provide your own lighter, but the explosive toys are yours to do whatever you want with. Just don't try to light your cake with them. Trust us, after you make the wish you can't even taste anything. Or hear. Or move. Finals Week: The next best occasion for fireworks are the end of finals. You can qualify for the finals giveaway if you have 3 or more exams and/or an exam on the last Friday before break. The university strongly encourages students to take some fireworks home and share them with their families for the holiday season. Remember to keep them away from your grandparents' dog this time. Last Christmas got a little messy. Just Had Sex: If you had sex in the last
thirty minutes, then you’re qualified to light off some bangers. Employees at Memorial Stadium will verify this with a simple sniff test. You will be given a firework that is comparable to the described quality of your recent intercourse. (Sidenote: It’s not recommended to set off a firework by shooting it with a gun, but it does sound really cool.) Death of a Pet: Since you didn't listen to the end of number two, your pet is now dead, and you’re going through a tough time. You deserve to blow something up. Again. Don't worry, it’ll make you feel better! Football First Downs: Any time the football team gets a first down, the sky is getting lit up like the Fourth of July. We have to lower the bar for what we’ll pat ourselves on the back and if the football team starts getting more first downs in a game—like, three or four—we'll run through these babies in no time.
Previous Turkey Trot Winner Excited for Thanksgiving Day Plans By: Kitty Kat It only took 18 minutes and 33 seconds for 35-year-old Frederick Nielsen to finish last year’s Palos Park Turkey Trot in the South Suburbs of Chicago. The course, a traditional 5K (3.1 miles) up and down some pretty treacherous residential hills, and winds around the Palos neighborhoods made for exciting racing. “It’s definitely not an easy course by any means,” Nielsen confessed. “While I was training, I had my treadmill on the highest incline setting the entire time. My legs felt like jelly, and I definitely hurled on our carpet a few times, but it was worth it to come away with the big gold medal at the end of the race.” Nielsen has reigned as the race winner for a year now and with the next Turkey Trot coming up on the morning of Thanksgiving, many are wondering if Nielsen will snag the title again. “That man knows what he’s doing,” second place finisher Jim Mohan said. With a time of 19:03, Mohan was close, but not close enough, to Nielsen at the last race. “I tried to get the secret out of him, just what he does to stay so physically fit. I bet he gets a lot of good sex the night before or has some delicious pumpkin pie to look forward to afterwards.” “I’m actually not going to be participating in the run this year," Nielsen said. “Each season it gets harder and harder to get up for the 8 a.m. start
time, and the free bananas they give you before you run just aren’t enough to tide me over until the big meal that night. And this year they’re bumping the race up to four miles. I’m not sure how my body would hold up for that last 0.9,” Nielsen noted. “It was fun while it lasted, and although I am upset I will not be getting the new long sleeve, dri-fit shirt this time, I’ll have to make due with the five hoodies I earned from previous years. When asked what he would be doing instead of running, Nielsen said he’ll be soaking up the Thanksgiving holiday in all its glory. “I’ll probably sleep in, avoid helping my wife make dinner, watch football all day and drink an excessive amount of beer. I’ve always wanted to retire young, and now that I’m at my peak, I think it’s time to throw in my shoes.” Nielsen did say that he will be dropping off his non-perishable food donations, like he has for the past five years, at the sponsor’s location the night before the race.
Tripped and No One Saw You: If you ever stumble while walking down the street without anyone seeing, congrats! It’s time to detonate. This is perfect for people trying to get away with it, too. Each student will be armed with up to ten bottle rockets at a time. That way, if you see some nerd trip over his own shoelaces, and he thinks he got off smoothly when no one laughs... send
one right up his ass. Disclaimer: The university cannot be held responsible for an injuries caused by fireworks, whether they are shot off by the receiver of the fireworks or a third party. The university also suggests you avoid drinking alcohol when using the items and turning them away from your face, although this should be common sense.
Thanksgiving Officially Swallowed Up by Christmas, Not Smothered in Gravy
The
Top
Ten
Things to Do with a Turkey Baster
By: Strawberry Shortcock Turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce … a day with your shitty relatives and a week trying to avoid your even shittier high school friends. Thanksgiving just isn’t what it used to be. To combat the dread, The Black Sheep has collected a list of entertaining things to do with your favorite Thanksgiving appliance: the multi-purpose turkey baster. 10.) Replace Your Shot Glasses: Who cares about the sentimental shot glass you bought during that week you spent in Europe? Toss them aside and opt for a turkey baster instead. Screw double shots—we’re talking about a glorious octuple shot here, folks. Invite your friends and family members—especially that one you’re pretty sure is an alcoholic. 9.) Participate in a Water Gun Fight: Efficient? No. Effective? Absolutely not. Entertaining? Even more than when you found out what YouTube was. 8.) Make PERFECT Deviled Eggs to Make the Rest of Those Pinterest Bitches Jealous: Gone are the days of sloppily dolloped deviled eggs that look like a four-year-old took a shit on them. Impress all your judgmental family members by using a turkey baster to control the stream of delicious egg mash, making sure to give each egg a classy, Dairy Queen swirl on top. Feel free to Instagram it afterward, you wonderful DIY bitch. 7.) Snot Suck: Don’t be that guy in class that refuses to blow his nose and instead spends the whole hour preparing to hock the overlord of all loogies. Instead, whip out your handy-dandy turkey baster, suck that shit right out of your nose and save yourself from a semester full of judgment.
By: Brian Barsotti It’s been confirmed by sources in the Pentagon that Thanksgiving has officially been engulfed by the Christmas shopping season. Officials had long since feared this doomsday scenario would occur, and in 2013 it’s finally happened. Traditionally, the Christmas season begins on the sacred date known as Black Friday, but due to the swelling of yuletide spirit as of late, Christmas has officially breached Thanksgiving’s borders. No longer does the day of eating turkeys hold relevance. It was swept away in a flood of candy canes and Santa fat suits. And of course, one may appreciate the irony that the holiday of swallowing things whole has, itself, been swallowed whole (by holiday of consumerism, nevertheless). It’s no secret that Thanksgiving frequently gets shunned as the ugly stepsibling of Christmas. Everyone sort of pretends to like Thanksgiving, so that its feelings don’t get hurt, while Christmas remains the obvious crowd favorite. But according to many noted Thanksgiving historians, Turkey Day played a role of overlooked importance. “The recent breach of Thanksgiving will soon prove to be devastating,” explained one expert. “Thanksgiving was designed with the intent of limiting the Christmas season to only a month. Without it, there’s no telling what will happen.” Historians assert this to be the real purpose of the day of giving thanks. It all began a long time ago in 1300s, when a group of alchemists set out to create the best holiday ever. They constructed what would later become “Christmas” out of snow, evergreen trees, lights, mistletoe, eggnog, caroling, ABC Family specials, and most importantly, presents. Some believe that Jesus may have also been somehow part of this mix, originally. These scientists soon set their experiment loose upon the world and it met to resounding popularity, but little did they realize
they didn’t just make the greatest holiday known to man—they created a monster. “Christmas has shown itself to be a victim of its own success,” another expert said. “It’s too happy of a holiday, because there’s no conceivable reason to not just make the entire year Christmastime. And so the season, as it continues to expand, is prone to more and more excess.” Luckily, the pilgrims who landed on America created another holiday, “Thanksgiving.” The timing of Thanksgiving was no accident; the pilgrims were very wise in establishing it when they did. This holiday was fabricated as a levee, of sorts, to contain the Christmas season more or less within the month of December. The idea was to dissuade early Christmas celebration. While it's true Thanksgiving originated under the guise of a celebration of Indian genocide, the holiday is observed in modern times in order to prevent a year-round Christmas shopping season. “It’s uncertain what time of the year we’ll begin seeing Christmas-themed lights and commercials without Thanksgiving to hold them back,” said proactive Thanksgiving conservative Jerald Smith. “God knows Halloween wasn’t built to contain this flood. Experts worry that with nothing in its way, Christmastime will begin in August, June, March—even as early as the previous Christmas. We may be looking at 365 days of Christmas.” Everything is best in moderation, noted Smith. And now that Christmas has officially swallowed up Thanksgiving, the season of giving has taken up more than its fair share of the calendar. There’s not even room anymore for people to be grateful for what we’re giving them! Smith said the November holiday is what’s stopping Christmas from being “too much.” That is why this November, we should gather with our families for a nice meal and express our gratitude for Thanksgiving.
6.) Naturally Enhance Your Maleness: This little trick isn’t for all of our readers, but if you’re feeling a little insecure about the size or girth of Jack, Jake or John Jr., load him into a turkey baster and pump your heart away. It’s a hell of a lot cheaper than cock enlargement pills and a lot less embarrassing than buying a real penis pump. If you’re wondering how you’re supposed to fit your dick in that tiny turkey basting hole in the first place, give your dick a pat on its back and politely move on to number five below. 5.) Artificially Inseminate Your Cousin Hilary: Did you really think we could make it to number one without including this one? You know what to do. Bonus points if it’s not your own sperm sample. 4.) Become a Crime Fighting Super Hero Named “Heimlich”: Accidentally choking on food kills, like, a ton of people every year. You’d be as beloved as Batman if you donned a sexy spandex suit and ran around saving people from choking by shoving your turkey baster down their throat and suctioning out the food that’s lodged in their throat.
3.) Create a Work of Art: If you’re artsy, or if you just really like to drizzle things onto other things or whatever, then siphon up whatever paint you have lying around and splooge it out onto a canvas, sheet of paper or mason jar. Jackson Pollock might have done it first, but you can be the very first hipster to use a turkey baster to apply paint. Congrats! 2.) Have Sex: We shouldn’t have to explain this to you. Be inventive! Be spontaneous! Be open-minded! If you get stuck, we’re pretty sure there’s an entire subReddit devoted to this topic that can help you out. 1.) Become a Master Baster: At the end of the day, we don’t give a shit how you use your utensil. We just hope that you own it, that you rock it and you master it. Nothing is more fun than being a master baster.
09
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Guy Actually Likes n Door When Landlord Knocks o By: Winnie Bago University of Illinois student Greg Dwyer said he realizes most people dread a knock on the door from their landlord. But with apartment leasing season underway on campus, Dwyer is happily making his preparations. An anonymous landlord, from an undisclosed management on campus, suggests that some tenants purposefully keep their apartments looking devastating enough for Michael Moore to make a not-so-journalistic documentary about its despair. She believes this is done to deter using that person’s apartment as a model in showings. “We don’t like our job either, okay? But let us get it done. Just peel the BandAid off already and let us rent your place out!” the anonymous landlord screamed. However, Dwyer does not live in an undesirable pigsty, and unlike other
students he welcomes interested visitors into his apartment with open arms. “Last week I bought a welcome mat to put outside my front door. It’s brown with a fat cat drawn on it that says, ‘Don’t forget to wipe your paws!’ I love household things with funny little sayings on them. Reminds me of my mom’s house.” Between homework, class and signing up for showings at other apartments for fresh ideas on how to improve his pad, Dwyer is always on his computer. But a quick look at his browsing history while he excused himself to the “little boy’s room” proved he isn’t searching through his ex-girlfriend’s Instagram account and porn sites. “I check to see when my apartment will be shown,” Dwyer explained. “I’m even on a first name basis with Marie, one of the receptionists at my landlord’s office. She lets me know the interests and pro-
files of those touring my place, that way I can accommodate all walks of life.” His regular routine of prepping for an apartment showing involves making his bed, shaking out his bathroom rug and kitty-cat welcome mat, Swiffer-ing the tiling and putting the toilet seat down. Dwyer puts on the finishing touches by folding the end of his toilet paper roll into a triangle “like Holiday Inn does it.” Every once in a while, if he has the time, Dwyer pops in a batch of homemade cookies 20 minutes before the prospective tenants arrive, giving the apartment just enough time to soak up the fresh-baked smell. Besides décor, Dwyer is also highly concerned with the safety of his unit. He maintains regular contact with the Champaign Fire Department and schedules monthly inspections to make sure everything is up to code for his visitors. On his counter sat clipped cou-
pons for electric candles to “avoid flammable disasters.” “Yeah, we get a call from this kid every month,” fireman Chuck Calvert said. “He was really on our case when we said we were busy. So we started a gold star chart with him when he passes inspections. That seems to keep him calm.” "It’s all about the presentation,” Dwyer explained. “I don’t think I’m being unreasonable or over the top about any of this. I mean, this is what you do when you truly care about something. You invest in it.” Sometimes Dwyer gets really involved and pays his cousin Gloria
to eat dinner with him by candlelight when he knows there will be a showing around dinnertime. “I love that romantic factor,” Dwyer explained. “It makes the tour seem whimsical and insightful to the possibilities an apartment offers.” When asked why he doesn’t just renew his lease and treat himself with these perks, Dwyer scoffed. “A house is not a home,” Dwyer said. “A well-presented crib is a home. And I want to make every person who crosses through my doorway to feel as special as if they were showcased on MTV Cribs.”
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT
THE GOOSE IS LOOSE ALL NOVEMBER LONG! $1 Off Grey Goose Drinks $3.50 14oz 312 Drafts $4.50 20oz 312 Drafts
Thursday Night's Shows DIGITAL TAPE MACHINE featuring Joel and Kris from UMPHREY'S McGEE with SUN STEREO
CLYBOURNE NYE 2014 Get your Tickets Now For the Biggest Party of the Year! $1 U CALL IT Buy Discounted Tickets Now at www.TheClybourne.com
FRIDAY: Matt Poss Band, 9:30pm, $5 w/ Legend of Levin Morgan
Wednesday 11/20
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
Rockstar Energy Drink Firepower Most Wanted Tour with DATSIK and FUNTCASE, PROTOHYPE and RISE AT NIGHT
LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Thursday 11/21
$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers
DIGITAL TAPE MACHINE featuring Joel and Kris from UMPHREY'S McGEE with SUN STEREO
Cly's T-SHIRT NIGHT! A Different Free Shirt Every Thursday! First 75 People Starting at 10:30pm To Pay Cover Get a T-Shirt $1 Burnett's Vodka, $2 Wells & Fireball $3 TOP SHELF EVERYTHING
Closed for a Private Event Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
Friday 11/22
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
MATTHEW CURRY & THE FURY with JAMES JONES TRIO
Happy Hour Food Specials! $5 Any Sandwich $2.99 Two Hot Dogs & Fries $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans
Matt Poss Band, 9:30pm, $5 w/ Legend of Levin Morgan
Saturday 11/23
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER, THE NATIVE STRANGERS and GRAPHIC VIOLENCE
DOLLAR BOMB NIGHT! Choose from 25 Different Bombs! Video Mixing by DJ EX!
Abnormous, 11pm, $5 Closed for a Private Party Until 11pm Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
Sunday 12/1
Closed
CLOSED
Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Monday 12/2
Mason Jar Monday $2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY! Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm, followed by the MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY HOUSE BAND! $1 Drinks! $2 Slices from Manolos!, $1 Cover!
CLYBOURNE NYE 2014 Get your Tickets Now For the Biggest Party of the Year! $1 U CALL IT Buy Discounted Tickets Now at www.TheClybourne.com
Closed for a Private Event Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
Tuesday 12/3
$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week
MiM0SA with THRIFTWERKS and BOGL
WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Wine, $2 Wells featuring Svedka Vodka, $2 Bud Light Bottles
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
Wednesday 12/4
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
Have you seen our 2014 schedule yet? Check www.canopyclub.com
LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page!
The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3
DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
THURSDAY: TURKEY TESTICLE FESTIVAL KCCO Black Lager Launch Party Turkey Testicle Eating Contest Win Blackhawks Tickets Hawks vs Jets 7pm $2 Wells, $5 WRAPS (4-10pm)
EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas
FRIDAY: DJ Delayney! $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID
Wednesday 11/20
Get the Firehaus Gameday Mug! $$2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips (4-10)
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Thursday 11/21
TURKEY TESTICLE FESTIVAL KCCO Black Lager Launch Party Turkey Testicle Eating Contest Win Blackhawks Tickets Hawks vs Jets 7pm $2 Wells, $5 WRAPS (4-10pm)
Friday 11/22
ILLINI vs Chicago St 7pm $3.99 Haus Fries $6 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan $3 Vegas Bombs
CALL US ABOUT NYE! Really...where else do you want to spend the last night of the year?
FRI/SAT: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's
GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada
Risque Thursday $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
$3 Smirnoff $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney! $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID
$3 Jim Beam $2 Pinnacle Punch $6 Pitchers of Orange Shandy
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Saturday 11/23
ILLINI vs PURDUE Watch all the games here! Blackhawks vs Canucks Official Watch Party! $3 Jim Beam $3 Rumplemintze
Come Watch the Illini!
De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola
$3 Bacardi, $2 Bacardi Shooters, $6 Pitchers of Lunch Box
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Sunday 12/1
Bears vs Vikings Noon $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! 7pm- Giants/Redskins
NFL SUNDAY TICKET! $5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Build Your Own Bucket! 5 Beers for $11 $2 Jager Bombs
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Monday 12/2
Pop Culture Team Trivia Night! Starts at 10pm Compete to Win Prizes! HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4-10pm (excludes wings)
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
MNJ $2 Blackbeard $2 Bud Platinums
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Tuesday 12/3
HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS! $2.99 Cheeseburgers 4-10pm, $2 WELLS Blackhawks vs Stars 7pm
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Wednesday 12/4
Get the Firehaus Gameday Mug! $2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry, $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips (4-10)
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card
19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm
$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots
$2 Blue Moons, Tequila Tuesday and all the 90's you can handle!
HUMPDAY! $2 Fireball, $2 Redd's
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm) GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our MOBILE APP! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID The BarGrid Page 3 of 3
KAM'S Closed Thanksgiving 11/28
WEDNESDAY 11/20: Charity DJ FINALS! - Five DJ's Compete to Win a $1000 to their house's Charity of Choice! Sponsored by: Bud, Jim Beam, Student City, Kruue
Every Day! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes
SPECIAL NIGHT
Logo Mug Night: Bud Light $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs
Charity DJ FINALS! Five DJ's Compete to Win a $1000 to their house's Charity of Choice! Sponsored by: Bud, Jim Beam, Student City, Kruue
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Wed. 11/20
$2.50 Corona, Stella Artois, Heineken 2.50 Skyy Mixers $5 Jameson & Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Orchata
SHACKER NIGHT! $2 UV Vodka, $2 Hot Stuff Shots, $2.50 Bud Light, $5 24oz SHACKERS
Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime
Thursday 11/21
FRIDAY! ILLINI BASKETBALL - ILL vs Chi St 8pm “Free Shuttle to Game” - Kam’s Krush Party $2 U call It, $5 Hamm’s Pitchers, No Cover, Absolut Girls 11p-1a
THURSDAY: Mustache Night!
Bud Nite - Bud Girls & Prizes! $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Blue Drinks, $3 Jim Beam
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Klub Kam’s w/ Live DJ
Mustache Night!
ILLINI BASKETBALL - ILL vs Chi St 8pm “Free Shuttle to Game” Kam’s Krush Party $2 U call It, $5 Hamm’s Pitchers, No Cover, Absolut Girls 11p-1a
BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge
$7.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud, Bud Lt & Rolling Rock Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
Open at 5pm $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES $1 BURNETTS VODKA $3 Jager Bombs
$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
Friday 11/22
Beam Party! No Cover, Open 8pm $2 Jim Beam & Red Stag Drinks, $2 U Call It (All Wells, Drafts & Bottles), Beam Girls 11p-1a
Solo Cup Saturday! No Cover Charge
$2.25 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud, Bud Lt & Rolling Rock Pints $2.50 Bacardi Bombs $5 Jameson Doubles
RED LION NYE 2014 Get your Tickets Now For the Biggest Party of the Year! $1 U CALL IT Buy Discounted Tickets Now at www.RedLionChampaign.com
$2 U Call It $4 Pitchers
Saturday 11/23
Closed – Private Party
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
Trivia Starts @ 9pm! $6 PBR & Hamms $2.50 Wells (U-Call It) $4 Pub Bombs
Book your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our Event Planners at CochraneParty@gmail.com or Call 217-722-9000
Closed Eeat some chicken strips at Papa D's!
Sunday 12/1
Monday Night Football! Open 7pm! $2 Lite/Coors Lt 16oz Bottle Cans, $2 U Call It (Wells, Drafts & Bottles), $5 Pitchers Free Pizza at Half Time
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $4 Guinness, Smithwick’s $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle Vodka Mixers
MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS $2 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 RED BULL VODKA’S
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
Monday 12/2
ILLINI BASKETBALL at Ga Tech 6:15pm, Open 6pm, Kam’s Krush Party Country Nite - Drink it in Your Mason JarWear Your Dukes & Boots! $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Banquet Bottles, $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts, $1 Cinerator Shots
$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
$3 Blue Moon + Red’s Apple Ale Pints, $5 Jim Beam Honey Barrels, $2.50 Dr. Shots
$2 UV VODKA $1 SHOTS (SHOT MENU) $3 BUD LIGHT 24oz TALLBOYS
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
Tuesday 12/3
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night: Winterfest Kickoff $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs
RED LION NYE 2014 Get your Tickets Now For the Biggest Party of the Year! $1 U CALL IT Buy Discounted Tickets Now at www.RedLionChampaign.com
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Wed. 12/4
$5 Kam Islands, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Lite & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Redd’s Bottles, $3 Captain, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots, Great Dance Music!
Bud Nite - Bud Girls & Prizes! $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Blue Drinks, $3 Jim Beam
MAKE YOUR APARTMENT
YOUR APARTMENT! WE’RE WAIVING OUR $275 REDECORATION FEE SO YOU CAN FEEL AT HOME IN YOUR NEW HOME!
E T A I D E IMM INS MOVE- LE! B A L I A V A
• 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING. • WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATE-NIGHT SERVICE. AND SO MUCH MORE! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com
Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets Who would you most want heading our country as president? Why? ior Sydney, Jun
“Aziz Ansari. Just watch Buried Alive and you’ll understand.”
Kim, Senior
“Charlie Sheen ‘cause he knows how to party.”
Senior G re g , S u p e r
“D. Rose ‘cause he’s a crowd pleaser.”
15
Bartenders of the Week
Rob of
Murphy's Pub
Bartender Nickname: Pinto Beans Relationship Status: I’m the teacher Major: Mixology Favorite Drink: Whorehouse Favorite Shot: Lindsay Lohan (Red Headed Slut with Coke) Disgusting Drink: Anything Michael makes. How would you spend $1 million in pennies?: Make it hail at the Silver Bullet. What is nature’s sexiest animal?: Panda Bear (Armando). What grammar error are you continually guilty of?: “I could care less.” Would you rather have a hornless unicorn or a horse with a horn?: Horse with a horn, how else are you supposed to have fun? What bar-goer pet peeve would you like to wipe off the face of this earth?: Demanding free shots. What’s something that sounds like a sex position but isn’t?: Surf and Turf. How do you look yourself in the eyes after what you’ve done?: Deeply in the mirror with a salty hand. Why should people read The Black Sheep? Dat’s racist, why he got to be black?
Drinking Game
Batis of
High Dive
Relationship Status: Solo act Major: Advertising Favorite Drink: Keg stand Favorite Shot: A nice buttery nip. Disgusting Drink: Bloody Mary How would you spend $1 million in pennies?: Fill up my bathtub with gumballs and then call it a day. What is nature’s sexiest animal?: Your mom. What grammar error are you continually guilty of?: None, I’m perfect. Would you rather have a hornless unicorn or a horse with a horn?: Horse with a horn, because unicorns are betches. What bar-goer pet peeve would you like to wipe off the face of this earth?: People who don’t want to silly dance. What’s something that sounds like a sex position but isn’t?: Britney Kulik (Britney Lauren for all you Facebook stalkers). If you had to have a hangover or diarrhea for a week, which is it?: Hangover, because that’s already my life every week. Why should people read The Black Sheep? It’s the epitome of college. Can I get a hell yeah?
Recipe for disaster
Happy Shotsgiving (and Taking)
Cranberry Apple Crisp
Not all families are totally cool with the whole “drinking during family parties” thing. If you’re stuck in one of those families, there’s still a way to get your buzz on discreetly with a cousin or two.
Thanksgiving dinner has many staple items that everyone seems to look forward to every year—stuffing, pumpkin pie, the turkey (duh) and cranberry sauce. This season, make your own variation on that last one with this recipe we found for Cranberry Apple Crisp.
What You’ll Need: A bottle of Wild Turkey (or anything you’re interested in taking shots or sips of ) and a boat full of gravy. Number of Players: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: Depends on how wacko your family members are. How to Play: - Take a shot of the Wild Turkey/beer/whatever every time one of these things happen: - That notoriously weird relative does something notoriously weird. - Someone asks, “Do you want light or dark meat?” - Your little cousin complains about eating vegetables. - Someone makes a sex joke about stuffing the turkey. - A balloon blows away during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. - Your football team of choice scores a touchdown. - Someone asks you how long you’re home from school or if you have any job prospects. - You eat so many appetizers you feel stuffed before dinner is served. - The host forgets a dish in the oven and never gets to serve it. - Someone asks for a recipe of someone else’s dish. - Take a shot of the gravy every time one of these things happen: - You take a shot of alcohol that just doesn’t sit right. - You want to grab some more dessert but feel really guilty about it. - Someone leaves early to start Black Friday shopping. - The underdog football team wins. - Someone says you look like you’ve gained or lost weight.
What You’ll Need: 3 cups chopped/peeled tart apples, 2 cup fresh or frozen cranberries, 1 cup sugar, 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour, 1 and 1/2 cups quick-cooking oats, 1/2 cup flour, 1/2 cup brown sugar, 1/2 cup melted butter, and 1/4 cup chopped pecans. Cook Time: Just over an hour Fatty Factor: It was on Pinterest; none of that shit is healthy. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. - Grab a bowl and combine the apples, cranberries, sugar and flour. - Grease an 11-inch by 7-inch baking dish and pour in the mixed ingredients. - Mix the oats, flour, brown sugar, melted butter and chopped pecans in another bowl. - Sprinkle these ingredients on top of the dish as a topping. - Bake it for 50-55 minutes or until the fruit is tender. Bring it over to your girlfriend’s house for Thanksgiving and make her family love you … and make yours jealous you’d never do anything like that for them.
The Game Ends When: Everyone goes home, or you’re in the bathroom puking up the delicious meal you just consumed.
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Booze Review Lola Belle Cherry Rum Grade: A written by: Kitty Kat
We were immediately drawn the bright red color and bottle design of Lola Belle Cherry Rum. You mean to tell us there are other women out there who dress up in crazy bird costumes and aren’t Lady Gaga? Because the chick on the bottle here is doing just that, and damn, is she a looker. Things got even better when we noticed it was $20 and 40% alcohol. Seconds later we were handing over the company credit card and heading home to drink it down. It’s a bit intimidating to open at first, as it looks like something out of a 1930s soft-core porn ad, but we wanted to pop the seal on that cherry and try it out for ourselves. You’re first hit with a smell reminiscent of cough syrup, but have no fear. It doesn’t taste like that at all. Let it dribble down your lips, onto your chest. Pretty soon everyone will be doing body shots and dry humping. Basically, this shit is an aphrodisiac. Any bottle of alcohol covered with a busty chick is,
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right? And, come on, how many sex jokes do you think we can make about popping cherries? Smells Like: Cherry cough syrup, but after a while it just smells sexy and sweet. Tastes Like: A big jug of maraschino cherries … and alcohol. Typical Drinkers: Virgins, nonvirgins, people who screwed up their marriages due to porn addictions, washed up old ladies who were never Hollywood actresses but have got enough work done to look like they’re in their late thirties, and Lucille Bluth when Buster moves out. User Comments: “Don’t stop, don’t stop! Make Ginger pop!” “Hey, isn’t that from Footloose?” “Is anyone else horny in here or is it just me?” “What does having a boner feel like?”
An Acrostic Poem: Licking Oral Loving All over Breasts Exposed Laughing Lust Ecstasy You’ll Like This if You Like: Suffering through The Notebook and Dirty Dancing with your girlfriend just to get her in the mood; awkward over-the-pants hand jobs when you first start dating someone new and can’t control yourselves. Food Pairing Suggestion: Chocolate-covered strawberries and champagne. Bam. That’s it. Mix it With: Cherry Coke
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Bus Driver is Secretly Relationship Guru By: Ben Bacardi If someone you know is stuck in a rut of a relationship and needs help, look no further than CUMTD bus driver Sheila Jackson, also known as “The Relationship Guru.” Between the hours of 7-9 p.m., Ms. Jackson turns the 50 Green into the “Love Bus” and tries to help any student that comes to her. “I’ve been in their position before,” Jackson said. “They’re young and confused. Their hormones are running wild, and they’re all trying to get up in any piece of ass that comes their way. I’m just here to give them some guidance, like any good bus driver would do.”
said to me. She said, ‘Just take a chance, girl. Walk up to the next cute guy you see and tell him that you want his hot sausage deep inside you.’ And that’s exactly what I did. The next guy I saw, I asked him if he wanted to make me breakfast, and we’ve been seeing each other ever since.”
On average, Jackson advises 15 students, 4 townies and 2 homeless people per shift. “The most interesting thing about it is that no one problem is the same,” said Jackson. “I can talk to some homeless guy about how he has to masturbate in the dumpster behind Dunkin’ Donuts in order to avoid killing himself because he’s so lonely, or I can talk to some freshman about how he has to masturbate when his roommate is gone in order to avoid killing himself because he’s so lonely. Once there was a girl who was trying to justify her boyfriend cheating on her, and a guy who was trying to justify cheating on his girlfriend.”
“Thanks to The Relationship Guru, I now know exactly what to say on a first date,” said junior Christopher Reeds. “She told me to ask her three simple questions. First, are you an alcoholic? Second, what are your hobbies? And third, are you a psychopath? I asked my girlfriend all three of these, and do you know what she said? She said,‘no, playing basketball, and no.’ It was perfect!” Reeds even said that she gave him an extra bit of advice. “She told me to try to lick the b-hole,” he remembered. “I don’t know how Jackson knew I liked that so much, but my girlfriend was totally down for rim jobs. Talk about a miracle! That would have been one hard habit to break if she wasn’t.”
We asked her to describe her favorite patron and what advice they were given, and Ms. Jackson smiled mysteriously. “Chancellor Wise,” she plainly stated. “I told her to try anal.”
Even Shawn Conlin, a 50-year-old townie, got some advice from Jackson. Conlin, a Champaign native who has been married for 15 years, went to her for marriage advice and walked away with his life changed.
Students from all around campus have nothing but high praise for Jackson’s advice. “If it wasn’t for The Relationship Guru, I would have never met my boyfriend,” said sophomore Rose Lang. “I was telling her how I never thought I could find love, and I’ll never forget what she
“The Relationship Guru told me that I needed to be more romantic,” Conlin said. “She suggested that I should buy my wife flowers on random occasions, give her massages with fancy oils when she doesn’t ask for them and take her out on dates more often. She also said that I should
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add an extra spark in the bedroom. That advice didn’t really help though, because when I set our bedroom on fire my wife got very, very angry with me. But it’s cool now.” Jackson said this added aspect to her job has made her life and long night shifts a lot more fun, and she noted that she's glad people are appreciating her more than ever before. “I never thought I’d be here,” Jackson said. “Getting paid to drive people around and telling them to do nasty-ass things in bed. I couldn’t picture any other way I’d rather spend my time. They call me ‘The Relationship Guru,’ but I never asked for any of that. I’m just some wacko lady on a bus with some dirty thoughts, and people listen. That’s pretty sweet.” When asked if she knew if Chancellor Wise tried the advice she was offered, Jackson just winked and said, “She hasn’t been back since, has she?”
Continued from the cover “I’ve already lost some of my best friends to reckless pre-holiday shoppers during these ridiculous delivery runs,” lamented veteran Jimmy John’s delivery driver and self-proclaimed momma’s boy Kevin Bates. “Between wailing kids in the backseat and spouses arguing with each other because of a mutual hatred for each other’s in-laws, us delivery drivers have to treat every crossing of an intersection as our last. I also get the bulk of my location’s orders because people keep requesting delivery drivers with ‘Native American ancestry in their blood’ in the special instructions section for the sake of ‘reconnecting with our spiritual brothers of Thanksgiving’s past.’ I’m 1/16th Cherokee...”
doesn’t have time to grab herself … it’s a little embarrassing. Luckily, my little Lucy is hyped up on enough Mountain Dew to give the DCFS a run for their money. Also, she does this cute thing where, if someone tries grabbing the last iPad Mini that mommy’s been eyeing, she screams ‘Stop! Don’t touch me, you’re not my mommy! Help!’ Sorry, I’m butchering it, but it’s absolutely adorable when she does it!”
Amidst these minor drawbacks to the Thanksgiving season, a select few Americans are choosing to stay indoors for the holiday, many believing that going out for Black Friday is absolutely ludicrous and more work than it’s worth. Instead, these individuals have their Cyber Monday computer rigs armed and ready to go for the impending online sales to follow. The most determined of the bunch have fully upgraded their PCs, purchased the most expensive high-speed internet connection from their provider, and had catheters and feeding tubes medically installed so the true meaning of Thanksgiving can still be ingested and properly excreted while researching possible upcoming deals.
“Since we’re opening earlier and earlier every year, I always try to give my employees the Thanksgiving dinner that anyone working in retail deserves,” proudly declared an Illinois Toys R’ Us manager Robert DuFrank. “I mean, some stores are actually opening Thanksgiving morning this time around, for goodness sake. I just don’t see how someone could be that greedy and heartless during the holidays.”
Back in the harsh, cold outdoor lines, however, many selfless parents are still ready to brave the holiday by putting their children first above all else. “I think the most rewarding part of a hearty Thanksgiving dinner lies in knowing that you’re able to provide nourishment for your kids,” remarked soccer mom and community gossip initiator Debra Farren. “Because, as a parent, when you see your hungry kids losing the race to grab the cosmetics that mommy
Inside the actual stores themselves, some employers are also planning to provide Thanksgiving feasts for their employees as compensation for the usual maniacal laughter that follows when someone asks if they can take off for the holiday.
Toys R’ Us employees working Thanksgiving and Black Friday will be greeted by the “intoxicating, sweet-corn aromas” of their dinners located in the employee lounge, with a microwave available for those who prefer their Thanksgiving dinners served lukewarm. “Our boss just scrambles at the last minute and brings us a half-eaten turkey, stale stuffing, and a can of cranberry sauce left over from his family’s dinner. It happens every single year,” pessimistically commented an anonymous employee. “But since my night will consist of angry men and women berating and taking out their life’s frustrations upon me for reasons entirely beyond my control, it’ll be just like a typical Thanksgiving back at home.”
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President Easter Aggressively Stuffs Thanksgiving Turkey By: Jupiter Stevens Marideth Easter, the wife of University President Robert Easter, said she's looking forward to the president's rare help in the kitchen this Thanksgiving. Mrs. Easter said Thanksgiving is the only day of the year that the university president is ever willing to help out around the house. Each year, President Easter reportedly sneaks into the kitchen and stuffs the turkey the night before Thanksgiving. The president told his wife that back in college, he learned how to “properly massage the meat” before it's cooked. “Don't worry dear, I'll stuff the turkey this year ... I'll stuff it real good,” Easter promised his wife in a serious, yet flirty voice before excusing himself and locking the kitchen door behind him. Mrs. Easter told reporters that on any other day of the year, the president would rarely help clean the house before guests come over. “I ask him to vacuum a little bit, but instead he just sits there and reads his magazines all day,” Mrs. Easter said. “I can't even clean the bathroom because
he always ends up locking himself in there when he finishes reading.” President Easter said he prefers to stuff the turkey in private, calling it his most “special night of the year.” “No, no, no! You can't come in here,” the president yelled at his wife when she walked into the kitchen one year and found him with his pants around his ankles. “I never ask questions,” Mrs. Easter said. “I've accidentally walked in on him a few times and whether there's an apple gagged in his mouth or if he's moaning and pouring a boat of gravy over his head, I trust that he knows what he's doing in there.” Mrs. Easter did say she was concerned about him being completely naked during the gravy incident last year, but the president quickly explained himself. “I spilled the gravy and uh ... then I had to take my clothes off, because ... uh ... well your mom got me that shirt, so I didn't want to get it ... dirty...,” President Easter
trailed off, slowly licking the gravy from his forearm and never breaking eye contact with the bird. The Easters said the number of family and friends who visit for Thanksgiving dinner have slowly decreased in the past couple of years, since Robert began preparing the turkey." “Something just didn't sit right with me,” Jennifer Easter, Robert's cousin said. “If I do end up going over there this year, I'm definitely not eating that turkey again. All the tight, leather clothes Robert wears at the dinner table creeps out the kids enough, but whatever kind of turkey they give us is just making our family flat-out sick.” President Easter argued that his attire is in reverence for the pilgrim culture celebrated on the holiday. “Did the indians and pilgrims not have leather?” the President angrily contested. “They did. And they also had their way with whatever animal they damn-well pleased.”
President Easter later said the last part about the animal was “completely meant in a culinary way.” Mrs. Easter said the president wouldn't reveal his secret process for preparing the turkey, no matter how many times she asked.
“Every time I question him about what he does in there, he just smiles a little bit and winks at me,” Mrs. Easter said. “He puts so much time and effort into preparing the turkey every Thanksgiving that sometimes I feel like he loves the bird more than he loves me.”
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