Illinois - Issue 14 - 11/20/2014 by The Black Sheep

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Issue 14

SAUCED-UP STUFFING: A THANKSGIVING DRINKING GAME The Gonz wrote this Time for a break from those exhausting classes you don’t attend and the cheap food you steal from soup kitchens, right? Thanksgiving is a chance to unwind and bring home a month’s worth of dirty laundry to your loving mother and put her to work. Nevertheless, you may be thinking to yourself, “As a functioning alcoholic, how will I get my daily fix while Grandma is constantly fitting me for knit sweaters?” Lucky for you, The Black Sheep is a resource for people like yourself. Want to liven up Thanksgiving? Well, there’s a drinking game for that…

with anything by those standards.

What You’ll Need: The contents of your parents’ liquor cabinet. Number of Players: Just you, unless creepy Uncle Harold wants to play… Level of Intoxication: You know the sleepy feeling you get from eating turkey? Quadruple that.

Drink Once: - For every significant other you don’t have (BONUS DRINK: Your “loving” aunt recommends you a sweet girl/strapping young lad who would LOVE to court you.) - For every job prospect you don’t have (BONUS DRINK: Your “wise” uncle offers you a job as the office bitch at the firm.) - For every GPA point you lie about. - When you get yelled at to stop eating the mini marshmallows off the sweet potato casserole. - Every time Grandpa forgets your name. - If you feel bad about making fun of Alzheimer’s disease. - When a family member says something racist/homophobic/anti-Obamacare. - For every tipsy relative drinking Costco wine.

How to Play: As functioning alcoholics know, heavily drinking in front of family members sometimes brings on criticism or worse, prayer. Consider some of the following methods for hiding your unfortunate habit: - Vodka cranberry sauce - Gravy boat-shaped flask - Mashed potato Irish whiskey - Jim Green Beam Casserole We can’t say for sure whether or not these combinations will taste all that flattering, but you’re the one who’s trying to get slammed in front of your family during a holiday. You really shouldn’t have a problem

Drink Twice: - When your marginally younger cousin starts bragging about his/her first semester of college. - If said cousin is getting way more action than your socially-inept self. - If you get the feeling that relatives are spreading rumors that you’re gay. - For every newly “gluten-free” family member at the table. - For every relative who’s started CrossFit. - To mourn the last bit of green bean casserole, as a gluten-loving, exercise-free couch potato. - When the only pie options are pumpkin

or caramel pecan, even though you specifically requested Dutch apple from Grandma. What a bitch. - When you realize you told Grandpa that you wanted Dutch apple and you forgot about the dementia. Finish Your Drink: - If your parents let you drink the cheap wine

normally reserved for Grandpa and his few remaining taste buds (then promptly finish that drink). - If you’re seated at the kid’s table. - If you were originally seated at the “adult” table until your mom yelled at you for being overly intoxicated. - If the turkey is drier than Grandpa’s 86-year-old sagging skin (drink twice for the

mental image of that comparison alone). - When someone leaves to go Black Friday shopping on Thursday night. - At the sound of Christmas music. The Game Ends When: Thanksgiving is over or you’ve single-handedly ruined it for your entire family. Blame it on the turtur-tur-tur-tur-turkey.

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STUDENT RETURNS HOME TO FIND HE’S BEEN REPLACED

TOP 10: PEOPLE YOU’LL SEE AROUND YOUR THANKSGIVING TABLE

HOW TO AVOID THE WORST QUESTIONS YOU’LL BE ASKED AT THANKSGIVING

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THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear Tex Mex, Due to unforeseen circumstances, I unfortunately won’t be going back home for Thanksgiving this year. Most of the bus services going back home are sold out, and I’m too resilient to use Suburban Express because people on Reddit say it stinks. Given that we have a solid week off, how can I make the most of the holiday in Champaign? Sincerely, A Stuffingless Sophomore Dear Stupid, Stupid Idiot, The hell were you thinking, man? How does someone mess up making the two-hour trek back home that bad? Do you not like your family or hate turkey or something? Because that’s sure as hell what it seems like, jabroni. Either way, I can at least somewhat empathize with your lack of decent Thanksgiving food for this year. Last fall, I was abroad in Europe stuck in a London bus depot

to the

EDITOR

around this time, so my Thanksgiving meal consisted of a chicken sandwich from KFC and a little bit of coleslaw. And it was goddamn delicious despite the absolute lack of sustenance and the tears that followed. So, what can you do around Champaign that’s similarly depressing? I don’t know, man. A chicken burrito at Chipotle, maybe? That’s probably the closest you’re going to get to turkey without having to slave over an oven for hours on end like a student who, you know, actually cooks. You could try Panera, too, but at that rate, you’re better off picking up some overpriced cold-cuts at County Market, which will also likely yield tears upon consumption. So, really, there’s no way to make the “most out of the holiday in Champaign” without feeling hollowed out and empty, both in a “hunger” sense and a “I can’t believe I’ve gone this long without any human contact” sense. See you in a week? Tex Mex

PLAY ALONG! @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC

STUDENT SPOTLIGHT

Hoping to surprise his parents, freshman Greg Sanders returned home a few days early for Thanksgiving break only to find that he had been replaced. Arriving late Wednesday night, Sanders was stunned when he opened his front door, walked in, and saw his mother and father sitting around the living room table playing Scrabble with a stranger his own age. At first Sanders was confused, but after speaking with his parents he soon learned that they had adopted a surrogate son while he was away during his first semester of college. “I thought it was really freaky, but then I started to feel insulted,” stated Sanders. The surrogate’s name is Phil and he’s a freshman in high school. Sanders said the more he learned about Phil, the more he realized that Phil was the child that his parents had always wanted. “Brown hair, check. Intelligent, check. Funny, check,”

Sanders continued, sitting alone in the bathroom. “Hell, he’s even the captain of the soccer team! This is my nightmare.” Sanders later confessed that he had been the water boy of the soccer team in high school, and that his parents had always wanted him to “just stop embarrassing himself.” Sanders said he understands that his track record as a son has been rocky, but he never expected his parents to make a move as sudden as this. Barely making it into the communications department after his parents bribed the administration, Sanders is far from a golden child. The past few years have been especially taxing on his relationship with his parents, mostly concerning his severe uncoolness around them. After having his third “potty accident” in a parking lot three months ago, Sanders has begun to wear Depends, something his parents are quite ashamed of. That accident also coincided with Sanders crashing his father’s

BMW, another blemish on his long, tainted record. Bill and Nancy Sanders said they don’t understand why their son feels insulted, and believe he should be grateful for the actions that they’ve taken. “When Greg left for school, Bill and I didn’t know what to do with ourselves, so we decided that adopting would be the best choice so we could skip all the garbage that Greg made us deal with when he was little,” explained Nancy. “But we also decided that we’d handpick a son that was exactly what we wanted, and not leave it to chance like in a natural birth, so here we are.” While the argument seems logical, Greg was horrified at their callousness. With nowhere to sleep since Phil took Greg’s bedroom, Greg slept on the couch until Nancy informed him that it was unacceptable. “We can’t have people sleeping on couches, it’s just low class,” stated Nancy. Because of this reason, Greg has been relegated to a pullout cot in a closet underneath

the basement stairs. “Have they ever even seen the Harry Potter movies? Can they not see the similarity?” Greg said exasperatedly. When asked, Greg and Nancy said that they had indeed seen the movies, and that it was where they had gained

their inspiration. Plus, they said, it was roomier than his dorm room in PAR. “Aunt Petunia is truly misunderstood,” Nancy said sadly. Only time will tell how long Phil will be around, as Greg has threatened numerous times to take back his room by whatever means necessary. But after fall

break, Greg will return to campus and his time of stretching out in the closet will end shortly. How the family deals with winter break will be a different matter, and will be something that The Black Sheep keeps a tab on as we continue our coverage in the shrubs outside of the Sanders’ residence.

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Student Returns Home to Find He’s Been Replaced

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STUPID FRESHMAN

UIUC to Require “Public Behavior” Course for Incoming Freshmen Kevin Mallin wrote this Following the success of programs such as ACE IT and FYCARE, University of Illinois communications professor Ray Cohen is pushing for a course to acclimate students to a society that consists of more people than just themselves. “These kids coming in are bright, there’s no question there,” Cohen said, attempting to push through a crowd of kids standing with eyes glued to phones. “But a lot of the incoming students grew up with an Xbox controller in their hands rather than a rattle, and it’s our responsibility to make sure they can navigate the complex modern landscape of buses, lines, and sidewalks.” Cohen went on to describe the course as a solution to the majority of students that have never used public transportation, intersections, or hallways. “Too often I see students walking directly in front of cars, as if they just expect them to stop, or groups walking four or five across

on sidewalks, effectively creating a ‘red rover’-esque clothesline situation,” the professor said as a student swiftly stole his seat on the bus while he was allowing another passenger to exit. “It’s really just a matter of safety.” CUMTD bus driver Carla Heinz echoed these concerns. “I almost hit a kid probably about five times a day,” she said, as a group of seven girls sprinted, screaming across traffic. “At least half of those aren’t my fault. It’s like they’ve never seen a bus before. It’s just baffling.” Cohen’s course would also cover what sorts of conversations are appropriate for public transportation in a setting that is not a mid-19th century London slum. On his way home from his Tuesday and Thursday 6-8 p.m. class, Cohen boarded the 22N. He was alone save for two apparently drunk sorority girls, engaged in a loud argument. “Apparently, Tammy was flirting with Eric all night,” Cohen

said, emphasizing the last two words. “And Eric was just okay with it, even though he just hooked up with Jess the night before. Whether Eric was ‘a dick’ or not was the major point of contention.” Cohen added that this is exactly the type of situation he would like to avoid in the future, and that regardless of Eric’s pending dick status, the bus is not the proper place to conduct belligerent conversation that borders on physical violence. Cohen also noted that the presence of alcohol is not solely to blame for the blasé attitude students seem to have regarding bus conversation. “These two guys were talking about the specifics of Monica’s genitalia, whom I can only assume is a student here,” Cohen shouted, really starting to lose it. “It’s enough having classes full of 18-yearold girls newly freed from parental supervision, so the last thing I need is to hear about their vaginas!” Sensing

a breach of protocol, Cohen quickly backtracked, asserting that he’s strictly “concerned for the safety and education” of the student body. However, Cohen’s ideas are not without opposition. Junior Jack Crowley, who is taking an ECON course as an elective, expressed skepticism of his proposed expansion of freshmen requirements.

“It’s simple supply and demand,” Crowley stated with a grin that can only be born of cocksure oversimplified idealism. “I demand a seat on the bus and if someone gets up for any reason, well, that’s the supply right there. I just don’t see the problem.” Crowley went on to explain, in graphic detail, why any required program instituted by the university is “literally socialism.”

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Illini Union Bookstore Gets Ready for Black Friday Blowout

“Think about it, with textbook prices on the constant rise, are today’s students honestly going to be thinking about where they can get the best price on a TV or other electronics?” remarked the recently self-appointed Head of Sales of the IUB. “No, they’re going to be focused on the one thing that’s been on their minds ever since they registered for

with Your Directional School Friends Eastern Illinois, Western Illinois, Southern Illinois, Northern Illinois. These are academic institutions much in the same way Skol is vodka or McDonald’s is food. This Thanksgiving you’ll be encountering former peers of yours whose poor life decisions prevented them from attending an academic institution of real merit. This is how you deal with them.

Tex Mex wrote this

Never missing an opportunity to swindle unsuspecting freshmen and international students, the Illini Union Bookstore is holding its first ever Black Friday opening starting at 4 a.m. Based on leaked ads that have already surfaced around the Internet, hot items like FIN 230 textbooks for $90 and STAT 100 lecture note course packets for $20 are expected to fly off the shelves within minutes of the store’s opening.

A Guide to Thanksgiving Conversation

Determine Intent: Does this dimwit intend to engage you in conversation, or is there a delightful morsel of road kill just behind you that he is intent on eating? First, try simply stepping aside to see if the simpleton will simply lurch past. Loudly Engage: If it becomes apparent that the directional school dunce is serious about conversing, be sure to speak loudly and clearly in the dolt’s direction. Oftentimes, the clod will be wearing a bicycle helmet or other protective gear that muffles hearing. The sooner a conversation with an imbecile begins, the sooner it can end. Fight with Whatever You Have: Though one may think polysyllabic words would be an ally in this dread conversation, a sharp stick is a much better tool. Do not hesitate to forcefully poke the buffoon, their tolerance for pain is only matched by the vapidity of their thoughts. next semester – textbooks. We want to make sure these kids are getting the most bang for their educational buck, and if they want to line up right after Thanksgiving dinner to doorbust us, we’re happy to oblige. “ Leaked scans of the ads show textbooks being marked down as low as a whopping 5% from their list prices. Word has even surfaced that an extra $2 will

be taken off the total price if a student allows the IUB employee at the register to shred their T.I.S. rewards card on the spot. “We know that tens of thousands of students will be away during break, so that’s why we leaked the advertisements a little earlier than our competitors. You know, give the hype train some coal to burn. That’s called guerilla marketing, my friends.”

Escape as Soon as it is Safe to Do So: A long temper is a close ally on your voyage across the slow sea. Once engaged, do not rush conversation with the oaf, as your visible discomfort will only open a new line of questioning. Simply wait for the dunce’s thought vomit to exhaust itself before casually pointing out another high school acquaintance for her to talk to.

Brendan wrote this

current events

Opinion: Show Some Respect and Eat Turkey This Thanksgiving Jupiter Stevens wrote this Oh, you’re one of those people who “doesn’t really like turkey that much”? 1.) From everyone here at The Black Sheep, fuck off. 2.) Show your country’s history some more respect. You think Columbus swam from England to Washington D.C. for 40 days and 40 nights just so you can “watch what you eat” during the holidays? No. He didn’t. So shut your face and stuff your face, you Canadian little girl. When the Indians tried to steal all the food we brought over to America and we beat their ass in defense of our freedom, I don’t think any of the pilgrims had your glutenfree diet on their mind. I mean, maybe I’m remembering what I learned in history class wrong or something – and the pope was a Nazi, yeah right – but you don’t just go against the rights our soldiers laid out for you in the Revolutionary War. This is America, and in America, you have freedom – yes – but you also don’t have to be such a pussy. Four score and seven years ago, I didn’t know you were a little bitch. Turkey isn’t some sort of “option.” It’s a god-damned privilege. If you waste a good bird, you’re wasting about 300 years of American history (the absolute best period of history) and everything my grandpa fought for when he was in the National Guard. Try to think of your elders before you just toss away what they fought for. “Oh my god, but I’m more of a

ham person.” Well, sweet. Know where they serve ham? Fucking France. Go to France and get your dumbass ham. While you’re there, make sure you tell My Little Pony “hi” for me, alright? I mean, Jesus. You’d be better off painting your ass pink and eating a Dilly Bar for Christ’s sake. Also, I’m just going to point out the obvious here: Know what happens on Thanksgiving? Thanks. They’re given. Not “no thanks.” It’s not No-Thanksgiving, you ingrate. On Christmas, do you take all your presents and just burn them with Jesus’ birthday candles right in front of your grandma’s face too? It’s ridiculous that people like you exist with your, “But there’s all this other food on the table I can fill-up on,” or your, “Just leave me alone, I’m just trying to eat. Why do you even care?”Like I haven’t heard that one before. Sorry, I’m just trying to salvage whatever dignity our country has left and stop you from taking a piss all over Lincoln’s face. Because know what you’re saying to our forefathers? You’re saying, “Screw you, George Washington. I don’t care that you risked your life for me and my right to eat turkey every Thanksgiving.” I wish we could go back in time so you could tell George Washington that you don’t appreciate him putting on that ridiculous British wig in order to spy on their congress in the war. I’d love to see his face when you tell him that. That would be about as safe as spitting in the face of a bald eagle.

Yeah, every American has their freedoms. I get that. No one backs that up more than me. But sometimes there are situations where you just have to do something. There’s absolutely no doubt about that. This country was founded on the principles of respect and pride, and

if you can’t muster up the courage to swallow a piece of America’s finest meat once a year, then you obviously don’t care about those who laid the groundwork for your freedom. So get out.

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BLACK SHEEP PRO TIPS

HOW TO DISPOSE

OF A DEAD BODY

BEFORE AN APARTMENT SHOWING Winnie Bago wrote this

“Yoo hoo! Apartment showing!” a lady from your landlord’s office shrieks as she knocks on the door again.

It might take some folding and cutting, but your choice in Walmart trash cans at the beginning of the year could decide whether or not this will be an easy hide, or if you’re going to have to resort to Plan B. The trash can part is easy. Just remove the lid and make sure there’s a bag in there. Odor-blocking is definitely a preferred extra expense here. Mm, lavender. So seasonal. The hard part is the body. You always think what you learn in school will never come in handy in real life, but this moment proves you wrong. If only you had paid attention to your second grade teacher when she tried to teach you origami. But thanks to all those irritating bones and muscles, folding up this person is as impossible as trying to fold a map back up again.

PLAN B: PUT IT IN THE TUB, BREAKING BAD-STYLE

Trash can didn’t work. Time to rely on something that you can actually learn from: television.

In theory, Thanksgiving is a time to be with family to give thanks for each other and all you have in this world. In reality, it’s just the first of many holiday parties this season where you’re just happy to have survived.

9.) The Senile Grandma: On more than one occasion, she’s left the organ bags in the turkey, and you always seem to find an inanimate object in the stuffing that isn’t bone. But no matter how much she screws up the Thanksgiving meal, your grandma is like the Godfather of the family. Respected (and feared) by all.

You freeze. You always forget when the apartment showings are, but you do remember that they always come at the worst times.

PLAN A: SEE IF IT FITS IN THE TRASH CAN

PEOPLE YOU’LL SEE AROUND YOUR THANKSGIVING TABLE 10.) The Outlier: Somehow, the random third cousin (four times removed) always gets an invitation to holiday events, and you’re stuck making small talk with them at the end of the table. This gives you the perfect opportunity to create a wild story about yourself. Hell, you only see them once a year, and it’ll sound much better than your typical “so how’s school going?” conversations.

*Knock, knock, knock*

You’re in the bathroom, trying to figure out how Dexter was so good with Saran wrap when he was taking care of his victims. You look at the door as you try to shake the Saran wrap from your hand. You look down at the floor at the body lying there. You think, “How do I get rid of this dead body?” Easy!

THE TOP TEN

8.) The Flock of Nieces and Nephews: The mini baby boom in your family generated six cousins all at once. There’s a good chance that you can’t tell any of them apart and will refer to all of them as “buddy” until puberty diversifies them. 7.) The Wise Grandpa: More often than not, your grandpa is the silent observer of the table. So when he speaks, you better listen up, because there’s no record of his advice ever being wrong. Trust us, that man has walked up enough miles of hills there and back to tell it all, dagnabbit. Hopefully you have some crazy chemicals lying around your house that’ll expedite the decomposition of a body in a bathtub. There’s no time to sneak out the window to County Market, so try to find every acidic item you can find. Ammonia? Perfect. Oranges? Throw ‘em in there, too. Put the body in the tub, fill it up with anything that has chemicals on the label that you can’t pronounce, and wait to see the flesh rot away. Add some bubble bath to the tub if you have a weak stomach. *Note: This plan only works if you live on the bottom floor. Otherwise the body may fall through the ceiling, and then you’d have a much worse situation on your hands than an annoying lady trying to give a tour of your apartment.

safety goggles, though, because this could get messy.

PLAN D: PULL A “FERRIS BUELLER”

Odds are that plans A, B, and C didn’t work out so well. Luckily, there’s a Plan D. Instead of getting rid of the dead body, use the dead body. Set up the now-wet, lacerated body in your bed so that it’s facing away from any doorways in your room. Tie some string on it connected to the door to make it roll over when the door opens to make it look alive. If you’re feeling really crazy, tie it so that when the door opens, the body holds its arm up in the air, waiting for a fist bump.

Drag that dripping body out of the tub to the kitchen. This may be noisy, but it will give you a moment to yell, “Just a minute!” to the lady from your landlord’s office who is probably growing suspicious by now.

To really seal the deal, whip out that keyboard you probably keep under your bed and compose a masterpiece where each key plays a different cough, sneeze and snore, just as Ferris did. It won’t really make the dead body seem more alive, but it might distract the people wanting to see your apartment on the off chance they’re deterred from obnoxious snoring and cheesy “I’m unavailable right now” messages.

This plan is slow, yet effective, and oddly satisfying. Bit by bit, feed the body down the drain. You may think to start with the hands, but fingernails jam the blades. Go for the fleshiest piece first. Throw on an apron and

Tried all of these and still managed to find a way to fail? Hopefully you’ll avoid the slammer. If you do, you be almost certain that the lady won’t come knockin’ at your door again.

PLAN C: FEED IT DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL

6.) The Trophy Wife: Along with his new Mercedes, your uncle’s big-busted wife is just another phase of his midlife crisis apart from his abrupt divorce from your aunt. Unfortunately for you, you’ll be hiding a chub all night as you try not fall into her Grand Canyon of cleavage. 5.) The Ultra-Liberal Cousin: Your cousin likes to play devil’s advocate as he tries to convince everyone that there’s really nothing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. He’ll bring up the brutal slaughter of Native American tribes and how turkey wasn’t even served at the first Thanksgiving. DO NOT get him started on organized religion... 4.) The Drunk Uncle: Usually, your uncle is already a fifth in by the time the turkey comes out of the oven. He’ll mumble indistinctly throughout dinner until someone brings up politics and he suddenly starts yelling racial profanities. Calm him down with a big slice of pumpkin pie, and let him ramble on about the days before smartphones and organic food. For some extra holiday fun, sit him next to the ultra-liberal geek at the corner of the table. 3.) The Dramatic Aunt: When she’s not trolling your Facebook and leaving the most obnoxious comments ever on your photos, she’s creating outlandish stories about her neighbors at the dinner table and dripping wine onto her blouse. But give her the benefit of the doubt: A lack of eHarmony matches and five cats can take a toll on a person’s self-esteem. 2.) The Significant Other: They’re not really a part of the family… yet. The most you know about him or her is that they met your relative in college and are waiting for the “right time” to tie the knot. But everyone knows they won’t be there by the time Christmas rolls around. 1.) The Sibling Buffer: When the struggles of dealing with your extended family become too much, you can always rely on your siblings to get you out of the most uncomfortable situations. After d i n n e r, y o u ’r e better off claiming the couch to talk shit about your relatives with them while avoiding said inquisitive relatives. Kat Vandelay wrote this

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

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Monday 12/1

$2 Doubles, $5 Bud Light/Budweiser Pitchers

THE CULTURE: Hip Hop Open Mic & Showcase!

Clybourne NYE Tickets include a FREE Appetizer Buffet on Jan 1st for the Winter Classic Hawks vs Capitals! at Firehaus!

Book Your Next Party at Cowboy Money!

Tuesday 12/2

$1 Wells, $1 Domestic Drafts, $1 Martinis & Free Pub Trivia

ANIMAL HOUSE TOUR featuring BRO SAFARI with CRAZE, CRNKN and APE DRUMS

NEW YEARS EVE 2015 at The Clybourne! $1 U CALL IT! Cly’s was the First Bar to Sell Out Last Year! www.ILLININYE.com For Discounted Tickets!

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 8:45pm

Wednesday 12/3

$0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Long Islands

Don’t miss the Chalice Dubs Masquerade on December 4th! Featuring RUN DMT!

Clybourne NYE Tickets include a FREE Appetizer Buffet on Jan 1st for the Winter Classic Hawks vs Capitals! at Firehaus!

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM THE BAR GRID NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s

FRIDAY! DJ Delayney at 10pm, $5

Limited Supply of DIRT CHEAP Tickets to the BIGGEST NYE Party available at joesbrewery.com!

SPECIAL NIGHT

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Freshmen Night No Cover Under 25

Wednesday 11/19

$3 ANY Draft $4 White Russians

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

Redd, White and Boom! $2 Redd’s, $2 Jaeger Bombs and $2 Blue Moons

Thursday 11/20

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs

DJ Delayney at 10pm, $5

Book Your Next Event Here

Friday 11/21

GAMEDAY Open at 8AM! Free Shuttle Bus to the game! BLACKED OUT HAWKS GAME 9pm Hawks vs Oilers Watch It Only Here!

Bring Your Dad to Guido’s!

De Noche, Salsa Dancing, Drink Specials! 9pm

Saturday 11/22

Bears vs Bucs Noon $2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS Every Liquor...Every Beer $2! Blackhawks vs Canucks 8:30pm $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings

NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

Beers, Bears and $4 Spazzles

Sunday 11/30

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

MNJ

Monday 12/1

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

No Cover @ the 8th Grade Dance

Tuesday 12/2

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Sophomore Night: No Cover Under 24

Wednesday 12/3

THURS: TURKEY TESTICLE FEST! Turkey Testicle Eating Contest! Win Blackhawks Tickets! Hawks vs Flames 7pm, Bulls vs Kings 9:30pm $1 WELLS - $1 TACOS

KARAOKE NIGHT 10pm $1 SHOTS, $2 Fireball Bud Mug Night! You Keep The 25oz Mug! TURKEY TESTICLE FESTIVAL! Turkey Testicle Eating Contest!

Win Blackhawks Tickets! Hawks vs Flames 7pm, Bulls vs Kings 9:30pm $1 WELLS - $1 TACOS

FREE SHUTTLE BUS TO THE BASKETBALL GAME! Bus starts at 5:30pm, Illinois vs Austin Peay 7pm $6 Bud Light 40’s, $3.99 Haus Fries All Day!

Get your Tickets Now for FIREHAUS NEW YEARS EVE! Get our $50 Ticket for only $20 While Supplies Last - $1 U CALL IT www.FirehausBar.com

ILLINI vs MIAMI 8pm: Win Illini Barstools! Bulls vs Mavs 7pm

$2 WELLS, HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS, Half Price Burgers 4-10pm

Blackhawks vs Blues 7pm Bulls vs Hornets 6pm $1 SHOTS Karaoke 10pm

The only shirt you need for football season

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THE BAR GRID DOWNTOWN

SPECIAL NIGHT

Friday and Saturday: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Wednesday 11/19

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

Thursday 11/20

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

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KAM'S Get Ready for NYE at Kams! Check bit.ly/KAMS2014 for more info! Ticket starting at $10 for a Limited Time! St Jude’s Fundraiser – Date Auction 8pm, Party w/ Bud Girls & DJ Delicato

$2 Platinum, $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 16oz Cans, $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 UV Drinks, $3 Blue Guys

Senior Night - No Cover 21+

Appleseed Girls 9:30, $3.50 Appleseed Cider, $10 Bud Lt Buckets (U Pick 5), $6 Pitchers, $3 UV Drinks, $2 Fireball, $6 Bacardi Fish Bowls KamIslands (Limit 2)

Friday 4 o’Clock Club 1/2 Price Appetizer 4 ‘til 5

FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys

No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale

Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night

Thirsty Thursday! No Cover! $2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Beers

$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot

BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

ILLINI Game 7PM! DJ Delicato 10pm!

Friday 11/21

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

$3 Big Cans, $2.50 Coors Lt/Lite Drafts, $3.50 Smirnoff & Captain Drinks Coors Lt Refresherator Fridge Giveaway, Free Shuttle Bus to Game, Shoot Hoops to Win Tix, Win Shirts, 1/4 Zips & Kams Signs

Saturday 11/22

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

ILLINI FOOTBALL ILL vs PSU 11am, Open 7am, Pre Game Party with Coors Lt. Girls 7-11am, Bloody Mary Bar, Free Shuttle to Game, Shirts & 1⁄4 ZIPS!

Sunday 11/30

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Get Ready for NYE at Kams! Check bit.ly/KAMS2014 for more info Ticket starting at $10 for a Limited Time!

Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS

$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers

Monday 12/1

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Nite Football Open 7:30pm $2 U Call It “Get it All Here”

Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale

Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30

Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR

Tuesday 12/2

1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

ILLINI Game Watch –ILL at Miami 8pm Country Nite “Drink it in Your Mason Jar” $3 Big Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles $7.50 “5” Bottle Buckets, $1.50 Drafts $2 Moonshine Drinks & Shots, $2 Beam Fire Shots $4 Big Beam Fire & Ginger!

No Cover! ALL Drafts on sale

Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers

Wednesday 12/3

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

Party w/ the Bud Girls, $2 Platinum, $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 16oz Cans, $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers $3 3 Olives & Cuervo Drinks, $3 Blue Guys $2 Pecan Shots, DJ Delicato Spinning Live!

No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale

Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night

Bud’s #UpForWhatever Night

THE BAR GRID Paper Scissor Rock Tourney Every Tuesday in November! Sponsored by Rolling Rock

TUESDAY: $2 Domestic Drafts

$3 Premium Drafts $0.40 Wings (5-10pm, dine-in only)

NEW YEARS EVE 2015 at Red Lion - $1 U CALL IT! Get DIscounted Tickets Now at www.ILLININYE.com

Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

MONDAY $1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM

SPECIAL NIGHT

Logo Glass Day $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hamms

$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)

$4 Cruzan Buckets $2 Beam Fire

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers

Wednesday 11/19

$2.50 Specialty Pints and Bottles Johnny Appleseed Promo!

10 for $10 Coors Light 7oz Bottles $4.25 Martinis

Shacker Night $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$3 Jack, Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM

Thursday 11/20

$5 Double Wild Turkey or Skyy $3 Sam Adams Family and Angry Orchard Pints

$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 16oz Cans

Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles Cracked Truck at 7pm

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM

Friday 11/21

$3 Goose Island Family

$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 20oz Drafts w/ Keeper Cup

Gameday! Open to the Public at Noon Illinois vs Penn State $2 Long Islands!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$3 Captain, Crown, & 3 Olives Drinks $3 20oz Miller/Coors Drafts

Saturday 11/22

Trivia Night! $2 Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite and Rolling Rock Drafts

5 for $12 Domestic Buckets $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6.95 All You Can Eat Spaghetti & Garlic Bread (5-10pm, dine-in only)

NEW YEARS EVE 2015 at Red Lion - $1 U CALL IT! Get DIscounted Tickets Now at www.ILLININYE.com

$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp

Sunday 11/30

Bingo Night $4.50/$3.50 Mighty Mugs of PBR and Hamms

$2 Domestic Bottles $6 Personal 10in Pizza w/ 1 Topping (5-10pm, dine-in only)

Red Lion NYE Tickets include a FREE Appetizer Buffet on Jan 1st for the Winter Classic Blackhawks vs Capitals! at Firehaus!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM

Monday 12/1

Paper Scissors Rock Tourney $2 Tall Boys

$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Premium Drafts $0.40 Wings (5-10pm, dine-in only)

NEW YEARS EVE 2015 at Red Lion - $1 U CALL IT! Get DIscounted Tickets Now at www.ILLININYE.com

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY

Tuesday 12/2

Logo Glass Day $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hamms

$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)

Red Lion NYE Tickets include a FREE Appetizer Buffet on Jan 1st for the Winter Classic Blackhawks vs Capitals! at Firehaus!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers, $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers

Wednesday 12/3

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS When you are Pizza Emperor for Life, the only pizza available to your loyal servants will be…

NATALIA

“Anchovies and sardines with stuffed tuna crust.”

RICO

“Those servants don’t get pizza. They get bread.”

BAILEY

“Apple and banana pizza with some pubes.”

BARTENDERS of the WEEK

MONICA of KAM’S

Relationship Status: Single and ready to mingle. Major: Kinesiology Favorite Drink: Jameson and ginger ale Favorite Shot: Jäeger Disgusting Drink: Anything with tequila. What beer or liquor can most accurately be described as “the best of the worst”?: Vodka. It tastes horrible, but you can make it worth your while with some chasers. A warm shot of well gin is a good punishment for: A whore doing the walk of shame past noon. Why did the last person you kicked out of KAM’s deserve it?: This one creep kept trying to go home with me. What should church wine be replaced with?: Fireball Your Secret Bartender Hangover Cure is…: Smoking ganga in the warm shower. Give us three words to describe U of I’s basketball season.: I-L-L What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?: I think we all know... With Old Man Granderson hot on their heels, how will the gang get outta’ it this time?: They won’t. Plain and simple. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: They absolutely shouldn’t!

THE DRINKING GAME

DEALING WITH FAMILY

WOODS of CLY’S

Relationship Status: Seeking men Major: Dance Favorite Drink: Mike’s Hard-ER Favorite Shot: Tight snatch Disgusting Drink: Anything without a lime in it What beer or liquor can most accurately be described as “the best of the worst”?: Bud Light Lime, because it could use a little more lime. A warm shot of well gin is a good punishment for: Anyone that doesn’t put out. Why did the last person you kicked out of Cly’s deserve it?: They were being mean and were throwing ice at me. What should church wine be replaced with?: Horse semen Your Secret Bartender Hangover Cure is...: Letting loose a fat load. Give us three words to describe U of I’s basketball season.: Muscular, manly, hung. What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?: You could probably guess… but it was so I could get a ride back from campus. With Old Man Granderson hot on their heels, how will the gang get outta’ it this time?: Quickie with Dirty Mike and the Boys. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s great spank bank material.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

THE FINAL POTLUCK

BOOZE REVIEW Sweet Bitch Moscato

So, you think you’ve finally made it to the big leagues now, huh? Feeling all high and mighty or whatever because you get to drink with the adults at the “grown up” table this Thanksgiving, are ya? Well, not with cans of Coors or bottles of UV Blue, you’re not. For the upcoming holidays, you want to impress your relatives like never before, and this time, saying, “Yeah, my semester’s going … alright” won’t cut it. What do fancy, high-class, mature people drink? Wine. What does the average college kid drink when he’s trying to be all of those things though? Moscato. Cheap, horrible, $8.99 moscato. Smells like: The rancid grapes at the winery that made it through the fermentation process anyway because, you know, it’s $8.99 moscato. Tastes Like: Those same rancid grapes, but now in a liquid form that burns your tongue as much as your nostrils. Are those tears of regret sliding down your cheeks, or are they merely from the intense, acidy, tart aftertaste? You won’t know. Typical Drinkers: - People whose enjoyment of this wine will end after the joke, “Haha, it was only $9!” - The type of girl who has a “wine night” completely alone, preferably with a single party hat on. - The trashy cousin at the Thanksgiving table who is undoubtedly starting to take after your aunt. - Someone’s who’s forced to drink this. Seriously.

Grade: D-

User Comments: - “Haha, it was only $9!” - “Sweet sonofabitch, this is the worst thing I have ever tasted.” - “If I say ‘moscato’ instead of ‘wine,’ it cancels out the tastelessness, right?” - “Meh. It’s no Barefoot, but it’ll do.” You’ll Like This if You Like: Playing jokes on yourself at your expense, even if it means publicly embarrassing yourself in front of your relatives in the process. Best Described as a Sorority Girl’s Unapologetic Exclamation: “Literally, THE WORST.” What Your Overly-Macho, School-of-Hard-Knocks Uncle Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “…” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Tear runoff, nervousness, nothing at the Thanksgiving table. Glass or Straight from the Bottle?: We started with a glass, but, you know… it’s the holidays, after all…

Tex Mex Wrote This

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Street Preacher and Xtension Chords Engage in Most Wholesome Fight Ever Seen Riggity wrote this Last week a most wholesome debate broke out on the Quad between a street preacher and campus a cappella group, the Xtension Chords. The preacher stood on his soapbox trying to spread his friendly message about love and Jesus Christ while the a capella group was trying to sell tickets for their upcoming show. Wanting to help those in need, the preacher decided to give some positive advice to the Xtension Chords about how to improve their ticket sales. The preacher looked at the group with kindness in his eyes and said, “You heathens, if you continue on with your ways with sex, drugs, and women you will be damned!” The whole group turned to the preacher and smiled. “That’s an extremely interesting perspective! But I would like to respectfully disagree with your statement. How can you assume that I’m into drugs just because I’m selling concert tickets?” a cheerful member of the Xtension Chords exclaimed.

“Silence!” the preacher kindly interjected before apologizing for interrupting. “You are all sinners that deserve to go to hell. There will be no second chances for scum of the earth like you devils!” When the preacher finished respectfully expressing his point of view, he opened his arms and affectionately welcomed the group to come follow him. The Xtension Chords, excited to finally have someone besides their family and friends interested in the wellbeing of their group, asked the preacher to continue on with his words of wisdom as their interest in the discussion had been piqued. “The second flood is coming and you serpents are going to be the cause of it,” the preacher said, looking at them with an affectionate sparkle in his eyes. “If you wicked men don’t drop what you’re doing to help me spread my message of peace and love, then you vile creatures will be cursed to wander in the desert for eternity.”

The group looked at each other excitedly. “I was thinking,” another member of the group said, lifting a finger to the air. “I don’t believe in Jesus Christ or the idea that there’s going to be a second flood – let alone that there was a first one – and I just don’t think I’m going to go to hell. I don’t even believe in hell!” The preacher had a warm look of compassion and understanding on his face. “You, my child, are the reason that this world is falling to pieces,” he said soothingly. “You and your kind are the reason for earthquakes, tsunamis, and floods. Those types of beliefs are slowly destroying the earth, and you deserve nothing but pain and suffering for thinking those thoughts.”

embrace while hundreds of confused students looked on.

The Xtension Chords looked at each other cheerfully. “Whoa! I never saw it like that before!” one member in a Santa hat said. “Thanks for opening my eyes!” Afterwards, everyone came together in a loving

Students passing by could feel the warmth behind the preacher’s words. “You could just tell the preacher really cared about the good of the group,” said sophomore Shannon Murray. “He clearly wanted them

to sell a lot of tickets to their show. What a sweet man that preacher is. Everyone just seemed so happy to be there!” In order to show support for each other, the street preacher and the Xtension Chords decided to sing a song. Together, they sang happily of God and damnation for hours.

KATELIN HOWELL WROTE THIS

around campus

Anxious Freshman Stays up All Night to Register for Classes KT wrote this

With the Fall 2014 semester at the University of Illinois rapidly coming to a close, it’s that time of year for students to register for their Spring 2015 classes. Current freshman Marty Danielson, student in general studies, has been feeling the pressures of choosing the right courses lately. “Being a student in DGS means that I don’t have my life together, and that I will probably end up settling for some bullshit major that I really have no interest in,” stated Danielson as he tenaciously bit his nails. “In order to prevent that, I’m going to take a course from each field of study to dip my toes into and see if it piques my interest. I’m kind of freaking out about getting into FSHN 120, though. I hear it’s a really popular class, so I just hope I can snag one of the 700 spots.” Some of Danielson’s peers have reported that they’ve reassured him multiple times the class never fills up completely, and he shouldn’t have any trouble getting into it, even though he has the very last slot for his time ticket. “He just wouldn’t listen to me. Whenever I tried to talk to him about it, he would just put his hands over his ears yelling ‘la la la la la,’ because I was giving him too much anxiety about it,” stated Danielson’s roommate, Britton Werther. “So, one day he told me he was going to stay up all Wednesday night before his time ticket to make sure he is the first one to register, even though it isn’t until 4 p.m. on Thursday.” Danielson’s evening started out with him consuming copious amounts of Red Bull at 6 p.m., for added energy to sustain him for the long night ahead.

Twitter @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

“Hell yeah, 22 more hours, bitch,”stated an amped up Danielson after consuming his eleventh can. “I kind of feel like my insides are about to spontaneously combust, but as long as I get into FSHN 120 I don’t even care! YEAH, REGISTRATION. WOO.” After an hour of convulsing from the obscene amount of caffeine he had consumed, Danielson had a sudden burst of inspiration and started meditating. He had reportedly seen something about meditation on Oprah years ago, and thought it might bring him good luck with registering for classes. “From 7 p.m. to 1 a.m. he was sitting on the floor surrounded by candles and had goat’s blood splattered all over him. He said he got it from students of FSHN 120 past, and it was supposed to bring good luck,” stated Danielson’s roommate. “I couldn’t take him screaming ‘ohm’ anymore, so I finally asked him to stop. That’s when he started jazzercising. Still trying to piece together the whole blood thing, though. Goddammit, I hate randomlyassigned roommates.” “Oh yeah, baby, feel the burn, push it harder, get that blood pumping, WOO,” cried Danielson in the midst of an 80s workout video. “Man, I love nutrition and fitness! I think FSHN truly is my calling.” Danielson reportedly started crashing around 5 a.m., only 11 hours away from his time ticket. He proceeded to consume an additional seven Red Bulls, but to no avail. Danielson finally passed out at 8:26 a.m., and slept for 27 straight hours, missing his time ticket and actually missing out on a spot in FSHN 120. However, hope still remains for the possibility of him becoming an anthropology major.

THE BACK PAGE

GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL

UIUC STUDENT DEFIES AUTHORITY

BY PLAYING POKÉMON IN LECTURE Squirrel Man wrote this

O n O c to b e r 2 2 , U I U C sophomore John Daniels was sitting in his Econ 103 lecture when he came to a life-altering realization. It occurred to John for the first time in his college career that he’s now allowed to play Pokémon games during class. “There I was, bored and barely able to focus, when I thought, Man, I wish I could play some Pokémon right about now,” explained John, still absolutely bewildered after the lecture. “And then it dawned on me… Holy shit, I can play Pokémon in class. I’m in college, now. Teachers can’t stop me from playing Pokémon in front of them anymore. In that moment, my life changed forever.” Upon discovering his newfound freedom, John got out his laptop and downloaded a ROM for Pokémon Red. It had been a decade since John was on the Pokémon bandwagon, so he decided it was best to start again from basics. He began playing, attracting the attention of the students sitting behind him. They immediately became enthralled. “This kid just started playing Pokémon on his laptop in the middle of class,” stated Gregory Chalmers, who was sitting two rows behind John. “I was trying to focus on the lecture, yet I couldn’t look away. For Christ’s sake, he chose Charmander as his starter. How do you expect to beat Brock and Misty with a Charmander? It’s a suicide mission. I know Charizard is cool once you finally get him, but it’s not worth it. Have fun grinding in Viridian Forest, idiot.” For the next few weeks, the crowd of students grew increasingly interested in

John’s progress. They watched attentively as he ventured through Kanto, defeated Team Rocket, beat the Elite Four, and moved onto Pokémon Gold. When John found a shiny wild Rattata, half of the people Foellinger Auditorium applauded. “I used to dread having to wake up early to go to econ class,” John said. “But now that I know I can play Pokémon through all of it, I actually look forward to it. Pokémon is a terrific way to spend the time between iClicker questions. And the best part is that my professor can’t do a goddamn thing about it.” John’s idea of playing in lecture has quickly become popular at U of I, with many of those who watched him beginning to follow in his footsteps. They’ve begun bringing their laptops and Game Boys and even 3DSs to class in order to play every generation of Pokémon, from the original Red and Blue to last year’s X and Y. It’s even been reported that some students are bringing their old Pokémon cards to class and trading them with one another during discussion sections.

“I remember back when I was in grade school, all the kids were playing Pokémon in class, and our teachers got really pissed off at us,” John recalled. “Now that generation of kids has grown up and gone off to college, and we’re still valuing Pokémon over education. It’s funny, you know? Sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the sa-GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, WHY IS LANCE’S DRAGONITE SO OVERPOWERED?” Educators are struggling to handle the popularity of Pokémon amongst college students, as they did 15 years ago when Pokémon was all the rage amongst elementary school students. Professors have expressed frustration with their Pokémonobsessed students in recent weeks. Nevertheless, this phenomenon has been called “totally retro” and “such a 90s thing” by tenured teachers, several of which accompanied their comments with a “hang loose” hand gesture. Also, it appears that John may be placed on academic probation next semester.

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