Illinois issue15 final by The Black Sheep

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Volume 26

The Black Sheep

FR EE ! roo Like mm pac ate kin 's c g u lot p y he ou s... r

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 15

IN MEMORIAM 2014-15 Diego Manischewitz wrote this

with the mustache! Your Virginity: They say only the good die young, but your virginity’s death beat the odds and fought for its life to the very end. The doctors tried to save you by teaching you how to juggle and supplying you with cargo shorts, but too many tequila shots and some bad decisions led you to the dorm room that sent you down a path of uncomfortable and uncoordinated sex. Now please, a 21 gun salute for the fallen virgin.

finish, your socks have gone missing. Most of them are probably still stuck in the back of the dryer, but the laundry room is more crowded than Hong Kong, so you get out of there as quick as you can. You’re now that weird barefoot guy walking on the Quad. People are going to think you’re a hippie, man.

We’ve tragically lost a lot of things this school year. They made us laugh, cry, and soil our pants. Sometimes all at once. But, throughout the year the following things have become candles in the wind and moved on to the other side. Only Yeezus knows whether these things made it up to heaven or hell. Now, we look back at the things we have lost during the 2014-15 school year. Immune System: Growing up, who didn’t have a cartoon bacteria character fighting infections inside your body that was voiced by Chris Rock from Osmosis Jones? In high school you thought, common cold? Go to school. The sniﬄes? You’re a pussy, go to school. Little did you know that college is the most germ-infested place on Earth. You ended up getting mono and Ebola. Even the “miracle” workers at McKinley couldn’t help you this time. High School Boyfriend or Girlfriend: Those lonely nights Skyping your significant other came to an end in the middle of first semester. You really believed you two were going to make it last for four years making love to each other through a screen? Did you not learn anything from the movie Her? You’re the guy

Best Friends You Made During Orientation: You met these guys during the lame activities the RAs made you do and you all partied together during Welcome Week. That first week of school, you told them they were going to be the godparents of your children. But by the third week of school, they mysteriously disappeared and now when you see them you question if you should even wave at those jerks. All Your Socks: When you’re on your last pair of underwear, you decide it’s a good time to do your laundry. Every time after you

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THE QUIZ: CAN YOU READ ON READING DAY

TOP 10: KANYE QUOTES TO INSPIRE YOU FOR FINALS

NO, SERIOUSLY...ARE YOU ABLE TO READ? WE'LL FIND OUT...

NEED SOME MOTIVATION? THIS SHOULD HELP!

MAY 5TH 2015 - MAY 12TH 2015

Phone Screen: The new smart phones are almost as big as iPads now, so it barely fits in your pocket. After one night of dancing on the tables at Red Lion, the phone tragically jumped out of the pocket to its death, killing its screen. You decided to jump for your phone and give it live CPR on the floor of the bar. “Don’t you dare die on me!” you screamed to your phone. Thankfully, your phone isn’t dead, but your screen took its last breath that night. Your social interaction with anyone also passed away with it. Like Psalm 23:4 and 1990s rapper Coolio says, “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at myself and realize there’s nothing left, except for my dignity.” Oh wait, you lost that too on Halloween. May their memory be a blessing. Amen.

PAGE 9 MISSED CONNECTIONS OF CHAMBANA IF YOU THOUGHT YOU MISSED OUT ON THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, DON'T WORRY, WE SCOURED CRAIGSLIST JUST FOR YOU.

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TO KILL SOME TIME.

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

BLUE BALLIN’ Getting a mad case of blue balls after hooking up with a hot chick, but still feeling awesome about getting to second base.

TARA BOUMDEAY

Dude, Anna is so hot. Yeah, I was blue ballin’ afterwards, but at least I got some action. High-five!

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK? THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear Tex Mex, Tell me honestly, buddy. Is it over? Is the hype train dead? It is, isn’t it… I can see it in your eyes, Pony Boy. You’re scared. Scared to be thrown into the open maw of the red hot earth and leave the sanctuary known as Champaign for the rest of your natural-born life. Say it ain’t so, Tex. Say it ain’t so. Love, The 18-year-old Tex Mex of Yesteryear Dear Enigmatic Manifestation of My Youthful Subconscious, Yeah, no, you’re overreacting, mate. Look, I totally get that, in a hot minute, the end of an era is going to come in a blink of an eye. Is growing up weird? H’oh, yeah, no question about it. Is calling me “Pony Boy” and dwelling in the past four years even weird-

TO THE

EDITOR

er? Absolutely. To an extent, there’s a part of me that’s actually looking forward to pass on the reins to ole’ Jupiter just so these metaphorically all-tooreal musings betwixt my present self and some intangible repressed eﬃgy of my former self don’t completely drive me over the edge. I mean, you have to understand where I’m coming from, inexplicable force that I can no longer possibly describe: When you have to tell your friends that you answer letters on a weekly basis written from yourself, but it’s not really yourself, but in another way it kind of sort of really is yourself, and your friends totally don’t get it as you try to explain any of it to the extent that they just leave for Brother’s mid-explanation… the whole shtick gets a little heavy at times. Closing oﬀ this inter-dimensional rift for good, Tex Mex

PLAY ALONG! @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC

NO BODIES? DAGGER!

THE TOP 5 THINGS RECOVERED FROM THE REHEATED ARC OUTDOOR POOL Mo Freeman wrote this

When the sun is out at UIUC, there is only one place to get your guns out: the ARC outdoor pool. The ARC staff doesn’t deem it necessary to cover the pool over the colder months, allowing for some freaky shit to float up to the surface when it finally reheats. Here's a list of items that have been discovered and archived for a personal collection in U of I President Robert Easter’s home. Chlorine Water: Contrary to popular belief, the outdoor pool at the ARC is mostly made up of legitimate pool water. Observers were shocked not to find larger amounts of urine, lake water, Burnett’s, or blue slushie remnants. The pool staff was also happy to announce that there were only three turds found at the bottom of the pool this year, an ARC record. A Lonely Condom: Birth control knows no bounds at the University of Illinois, framed perfectly by the shrunken Trojan wrapper that floated to the top of the ARC pool. While many were shocked that this was the only condom found at the ARC, many also quickly came to terms with the fact that idiot college students often opt not to use condoms when having sex because they “don’t feel good.” An iPhone 4: These computers, which dinosaurs used back when monkeys and large insects ruled the Earth, have been recovered from the bottom of the pool. They were fossilized between layers of ice and lost bikinis. While it took an entire crane to drag it to the surface for inspection, the iPhone 4 has now

been placed on eBay to be sold to an antique collector for over one trillion dollars. The funds have been rumored to go to further research to keep the Altgeld Bell Tower lady alive forever. Abraham Lincoln: Coming in second for “Best Find in the ARC Pool,” the 16th president’s body was able to navigate itself to its rightful home in Champaign. While at first his remains were left to chill in Lincoln Hall, scientists believed that a better way to preserve his body was to throw it into the ARC pool let it freeze for a while. The staff did not seem concerned about all of the dead body molecules and decay, because “the chlorine should take care of that.” The Deed to Piccadilly: There could only be one way to explain the destruction of the classiest liquor establishment in lieu of more apartments in Champaign: stealing and scamming. The ARC pool rendered the deed illegible; however it has been sent to FBI labs to be discerned for the investigation as to how Piccadilly succumbed to real estate on a college campus. The ARC staff ’s only comment was, “We stand by the theory ‘if the shoe fits and whatever,’ you know?” It seems we will never know. While there was plenty of the usual stuff like someone’s left toe and a slice of Jet’s pizza, the 2015 ARC-tifacts from the outdoor pool were disgusting and great. Let this be a motivation for you people staying in Champaign over the summer to get just as weird.

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That Circle of People Playing Music U of I Ranked #1 in Diversity Enrollment Among Chicago Suburbs on the Quad is Actually a Cult

Jupiter Stevens wrote this

URBANA – The University of Illinois at UrbanaChampaign was ranked first among Illinois universities that promote diversity in its student population among students from the Chicago suburbs, according to a study published by The Patch.

If you’re like any other UIUC student, you probably find yourself almost getting killed by a biker on the Quad. But while you’re strolling through UIUC’s very own Hunger Games arena, you’ve likely seen the group of people planning to kill you on the Quad. And no, it’s not the tightrope guys. They’re usually huddled in a horrible hexagon-shaped circle thing, sitting crisscross-applesauce. The guy with the guitar looks like your anthropology TA, and the one with the bongos actually is a physics professor. But most importantly, they’re smiling. Right at you. And you can't look away. They’re smiling like no one else on the Quad realizes

“This world-class university also promotes a world-class atmosphere for its students,” the study’s findings read. “The University of Illinois’ enrollment statistics boast an outstanding 94 percent attendance rate from those living in the Chicagoland area.”

the tambourine player isn’t wearing a shirt. It’s a cult of the worst kind, filled with the people who like to sing the wrong words to “Your Body is a Wonderland” (or any other song by a middle-aged white guy with a guitar). But when they break into “Knockin' on Heaven's Door,” that's when you know they're planning

to rip out your ribs and play drums with them on your skull. So, next time you’re challenging a biker to a shirt-off, give your surroundings a good scan and spot that cult with the bongos. They’re beating it to the rhythm of your soul. - Skyla G wrote this

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The University of Illinois’ biggest selling point is the chance for its students to share their life experiences and blend first-class cultural upbringings with other students from the other side of “the city.”

people of my world,” student Sarah McGann said. “It’s amazing, the things I’ve already been exposed to in my first two semesters here on campus.” McGann began to list the exotic cultural experiences she’s discovered over the past seven months: there’s different types of Irish heritage, not everyone’s dad owns a Dodge dealership or a funeral home, and some people didn’t have their prom on a boat. “There’s so many eye-opening facts you learn when you’re introduced to a sea of different suburban backgrounds,” McGann said, trying a beef sandwich without au jus for the first time. “Did you know that Jewish people have a church too, but they just call it something different?”

The Patch’s study pointed out that this unique college experience is a one-of-a-kind among the United States education system, offering students a chance to learn about other people’s experiences in different parts of the 847, 630, and 708 area codes. “It truly is a place where I can learn and begin to understand the cultural differences between the

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THE QUIZ: CAN YOU READ ON READING DAY? Reading Day is the most important day of the academic year and the only way to celebrate Reading Day is to read. - The Gonz 1.The last time you read was: a. Last year. b. I've never read before. c. Right now. Literally, this very moment. 2. How do you read? a. With my seeing spheres. That's a synonym for "eyeballs." b. I look at the letters and my brain magics the letters into words. c. With an audiobook. 3. When did you learn how to read? a. ...Uh. How many years ago is 2014? b. In kindergarten? Who is able to remember that? c. At the same time as most kids, in 4th grade. 4. How many letters are in the alphabet? a. 20-something. A, B, C, D, E...X, Y, Z. 26. b. "Al-pha-bet"...3! c. Which alphabet? Latin? Greek? Cyrillic? 5. What types of things do you read? a. Street signs, menus, bar specials... b. Miranda Rights. Wait, no the cops do that to me. c. Literature, novels, poetry, periodicals, etc.

6. What language is this? a. "This" isn't a language, idiot. b. What are you referring to? Are you pointing to something? Is there supposed to be an example sentence there? I can read five languages, so good luck trying to outwit me. c. Sorry, I only understand American. 7. What does the following sentence mean: I think, therefore I am. a. I don't think, so this sentence is irrelevant to me. b. I think "therefore" means "I am." That word is new to me. c. It is a summary of the philosophy of Descar--Okay; you can fuck off, know-it-allhole 8. Finish the sentence: Reading is an essential part of ________. a. Being a NERD! b. Learning. Oooh, philosophical. c. I don't know, life? This is a dumb quiz. I already know I can read. 9. How do you pronounce "read"? a. REEEEED. b. What does "pronounce" mean? c. Present tense or past tense? The two are spelled the sa-Both. Either. Pick one, asshole. 10. Can you read? b. What did you say? a. Yes! c. I stopped doing this stupid quiz a long time ago.

Twitter @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC

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10-16: Scraping By

Language is going the way of the telegraph anyway, so why bother improving? English is going to devolve into just emojis sooner or later, amirite ;) ? No one wants to read Ernest Hemingway or like, poetry or whatever, so you keep doing you and everyone else will see what a good example you're setting and follow suit. That means "do the same."

17-23: Uneducated Simpleton

Hopefully you're pretty because you're going to have to be if you're this dumb. You can't even read this sentence. Or this sentence. How did you even finish this quiz? Unless you are an actual infant or living in the Middle Ages, you have no excuse. English, do you read it motherfucker?! We'll answer that for you: No.

24-30: Literate Asshat

So you can read, does that make you better than everyone else? Just because you got knowledge doesn't make you gooder. Try going outside for once, or talking to a girl. You can't stroll through life expecting everything to be handed to you. Books never solved anything. Heard of Mein Kampf? Books kill.

ANSWER KEY: 1) A-1, B-2, C-3 2) A-3, B-1, C-2 3) A-2, B-1, C-3

4) A-1, B-2, C-3 5) A-1, B-2, C-3 6) A-1, B-3, C-2 7) A-2, B-1, C-3

8) A-2, B-1, C-3 9) A-1, B-2, C-3 10) A-2, B-1, C-3

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How to Become a High School Student Again This Summer Ginger Schnapps wrote this

So you’re moving back home with the ‘rents for the summer. You’re wondering, “How will I adjust?” and “How can I still get turnt up at home without getting in trouble?” Well, we’ve got the answer for you right here, and in a nutshell, you’re gonna have to resort to your old high school tactics. Stick with this list and you’ll be good to go—we’re not saying it’s the best, but it’s how you survived your high school days. Learn How to Party Like a High Schooler (Again): Oh, how your party tactics have changed since college. We know you’re now used to raging at frats, bars, and the Canopy Club whenever you want. But, think back to a simpler time, when the only partying you could do was on the sneak-sneak. When, as soon as you heard your parents’ car leave at 7 p.m. for their twohour dinner reservation, your friends would be at your crib immediately so four people could play beer pong while everyone else watches. Then, you’d clean up the basement and be out the door by 9 p.m. Get ready for a summer full of shenanigans like this. You won’t even get to drunk eat after because your mom will be all, “Why’d you order food at 2 a.m.? You’re gonna get fat eating that late!” Turn Up in Public: Whenever you and your friends couldn’t find a basement to rage in, you’d literally drink/smoke/participate in activities frowned up by your parents anywhere you could think of; which often turned out to be in public. Get ready to once again utilize local parks, behind the football bleachers,

empty parking lots, and whatever else your little high school brain can think up. Just make sure to have a DD! The Car is Your Savior: Having the faith that you can steal your parents’ car keys before your little sister gets them for the night, being back at home probably means you won’t be able to do anything substantial for the evening without it. From your hookups to hot boxing, you won’t be able to have much fun this summer without getting some form of access to your parents’ whip. Change Up Your Alcohol of Choice: By now, you’ve probably experimented with (and ruled out) at least 10 flavors of Burnett’s. But remember your high school liquid beverages? From Skol to a random compilation of different alcohols all mixed together into a single Gatorade bottle, get ready for a summer of throwback booze. As much as some of it is a step above Burnett’s, in a way, it’s much, much worse. Don’t forget to fill your parents’ vodka with water, then there’s no way they’ll notice. Now that you’ve got some basic high school survival strategies, you’ll be good to go for this summer. You’ll be able to get turnt back in the burbs (or wherever other place you might live under your totalitarian rule). Here’s to a summer of adjusting to your pre-college shenanigans—and when you return back to campus, you’ll be glad to realize that college exists, and that you didn’t peak in high school.

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THE MISSED CONNECTIONS OF CHAMBANA Kat Vandelay wrote this With over 40,000 students at the University of Illinois alone, it can be hard to find that perfect person you once saw standing at the corner of Green and Wright. Back in the old days, that little connection you made with a perfect stranger would be your only memory of your time together. That is, until Craigslist came along and gave the world “Missed Connections.” Here, we’ve found the most popular posts in the hopes of connecting two love birds through The Black Sheep. hot blonde in the interview room - m4w

THE TOP TEN

KANYE WEST QUOTES TO INSPIRE YOU FOR FINALS Finals season is here, which means that most students are now studying for the first time this semester. And as they study, many of them lose faith in themselves, so they give up too quickly. But do you know who never loses faith in himself? Kanye West. Kanye West would never let anything, not even finals, bring him down. Some of Kanye West’s most inspirational quotes can help you get through these hard times.

Alright, calm down with the caps-lock, Jethro. Screaming at her over the Internet will not notify her that you’ve posted your “missed connection.” Second, you provided the least descriptive illustration of the setting. Interview? Nose piercing? Black sweater? You just described very girl who ever applied to Espresso Royale. By the looks of this post, you didn’t get the job considering you’re hung up on finding some girl who just happened to be there at the same time as you. Next time, focus on your talking points for your interview and less on how good the girl in front of you smells. Hot guy El Toro - m4m

10.) “I will go down as the voice of a generation.”: And you too can go down as the voice of a generation as well, if you try your best. You may not be remembered for ages if you get a C+ on your test, but if you draw a huge dick in the graph portion, your teacher sure will! 9.) “I am so credible and so influential and so relevant that I will change things.”: Repeat this to yourself in the mirror right before you go into that physics exam. You're going to ace it.

My dear anonymous m4m… I’m going to refer to you as Bill to make this easier. So, Bill, let’s break this down. A man, with his girlfriend or possibly his wife, is out to eat with her and another couple and keeps staring at you from the corner booth. A combination of this and his hotness makes you believe he is interested in hooking up with you. Now, we don’t know what this guy looks like. He may have rainbows shooting out of his booty shorts with the words “I’m Gay” written across the ass. However, the fact that he’s on a double date with a woman makes me believe you just had a huge chalupa stain on your shirt that looked like Virgin Mary. Your initials are KM - m4w

8.) “Respect my trendsetting abilities. Once you do that, everyone wins.”: Remember, Kanye West’s trendsetting abilities wouldn’t be what they are if he didn’t study for finals. Although we suppose that’s not technically accurate, since Kanye West dropped out of college in order to pursue his music career. Anyway, stay in school, kids. 7.) “I feel like I’m too busy writing history to read it.”: This is a great attitude to have during finals, unless you’re a history major, of course. 6.) “I am Warhol! I am the number one most impactful artist of our generation. I am Shakespeare in the flesh.”: Be Shakespeare in the flesh, then you'll have no problem with that English essay. 5.) “When someone comes up and says something like, ‘I am a god,’ everybody says ‘Who does he think he is?’ I just told you who I thought I was. A god. I just told you.”: While you sit there studying and telling yourself you’re not good enough, Kanye West is explaining to people that he’s a god. Don't just be good enough. Be god enough.

Let’s start oﬀ with your course of action. You’ve wanted to act on your attraction for women “real bad.” Well, clearly you know just how to get to her… by posting anonymously on freakin’ Craigslist. Not only do you know her first AND last name, you also know her previous employment AND where she lives. Either you’re a crafty stalker or you’re just a fuckboy who needs to pull his head out of his ass. If you’re the former, please do not contact this woman. If you’re the latter, grow some balls and tell her how you feel. In person. Red suv - w4m

4.) “As a man I am flawed, but my music is perfect.”: Just as Kanye said George Bush doesn’t care about black people, Kanye doesn’t care about his personal shortcomings, as long as his music is perfect. And while you may also be flawed, your final exam scores don’t have to be. 3.) “I’m a pop enigma. I live and breathe every element in life. I rock a bespoke suit and I go to Harold’s for fried chicken. It’s all these things at once, because, as a tastemaker, I find the best of everything.”: We’re not actually sure what Kanye West means in this quote, but we’re pretty sure it’s something that lacks any trace of humility. And that’s exactly the spirit you need in order to do well on finals. 2.) “I think what Kanye West is going to mean is something similar to what Steve Jobs means. I am undoubtedly, you know, Steve of Internet, downtown, fashion, culture. Period. By a long jump. I honestly feel that because Steve has passed, you know, it’s like when Biggie passed and Jay Z was allowed to become Jay Z.”: If Kanye West can have this much self-confidence, then why can’t you? Get on over there to your CS exam and let your class know that you too will be the next Steve Jobs.

A glance at the light, huh? We’re not quite sure how much flirting you can do in the 6 seconds it takes for a light to change, but it sounds like you guys made a real love connection here. But see, we like how you’re making him work for it by asking what type of car you drive. If a man can non-verbally flirt with me and pay attention to what type of car I'm driving, sign me up for that slice of man meat. We’re curious though… was he driving the red SUV? Or are you making an impressive Prince “Little Red Corvette” reference to your cooch? Either way, bravo.

1.) “Kim doesn’t understand what a blessing I am to her.”: Your professor should feel lucky you're studying it and your teacher should feel blessed that you showed up to even look at that exam. Once you get in this mindset, there's no chance you can fail – no matter what that grade says. Squirrel Man wrote this

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BULLS vs CAVS 2pm $2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS Every Beer & Liquor...$2! $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings

SUNDAY 5/10

Closed

MONDAY 5/11

$2 Double Wells $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Shot List $5 Domestic Pitchers

Don't miss CHOPPA CLIQUE with Steelo, Ztarve, Ghost, Il Intentionz, Sleepa Man, Kevin Cory, Justo and Red Moon on 5/31/15!

Closed

HAWKS vs WILD TBA $1 Bud Light Drafts $2 Goose 312 Drafts Half Price Appetizers 4-10pm

TUESDAY 5/12

$1 Wells, $1 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft/Import Drafts $2 Calls: Captain, Beam, Bacardi, Fireball, Cuervo $3 32oz Long Islands

Get your tickets for Hard Kiss on 5/15!

Wine Night! Bulls vs Cavs 7pm $8 Bottles of Wine $3 Jameson, $2 Wells

Bulls vs Cavs (Game 5) $2 WELLS Half Price Burgers 4-10pm $6 UV Sharkbowl

Get your tickets for Freddy Jones Band on 5/16!

$2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff $3 Jager Bombs $2 Bud Light Bottles

$1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night You Keep the Mug Special KARAOKE at 10pm

WEDNESDAY 5/13

25¢ Wings 8pm ‘til Gone

$1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 14oz Flavored Long Islands $3 Shot List, $3 Captain

WHY RENT AN OLD PLACE?

NEW CONSTRUCTION APTS. AVAILABLE! BRAND NEW TWO | THREE BEDROOM UNITS STILL AVAILABLE!

WAIVED APPLICATION FEE! MENTION GREEN SHEEP AND SAVE $20! SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT! VISIT GREENSTREALTY.COM OR CALL US AT 217-356-8750

DOWNTOWN

WOW! SUCH DEALS!

WEDNESDAY: 50% off Drafts $3.50 Bacardi White Rum $3.50 Jack Daniels

Get Ready for Randy & Mr. Lahey (from Trailer Park Boys) on May 28th!

TUES: 8th Grade Dance w/ SANDSTORM!

Craft Beer Thursdays! 50% Off Bottles from Each Featured Region!

SPECIAL NIGHT

50% off Drafts $3.50 Bacardi White Rum $3.50 Jack Daniels

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Get free cover for you and 20 friends on your birthday Email us at joesbrewery@gmail.com

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

WEDNESDAY 5/06

$6 Pitchers: Miller Lite, Coors Light, Bud Light $5 Absolut White Russians $2 Off Martinis

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

Live Music Every Thursday!

Craft Beer Thursdays! 50% Off Bottles from Each Featured Region!

THURSDAY 5/07

$5 Jager Bombs $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

DJ Delayney Spinning Live at 10PM

Raise money for your RSO, team or club Email joesbrewery@gmail.com

$10 Large Cheese Pizzas after 10pm

FRIDAY 5/08

Catch all the games at Guido's!

De Noche Salsa Night $6 Beer & Shot, $5 LITs, $3 Mexican Beers and Rum & Colas

Senior Brunch Every Saturday 3-9

$10 Large Cheese Pizzas after 10pm

SATURDAY 5/09

$6 Pitchers: Miller Lite, Coors Light, Bud Light $4 Bloody Marys

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

Sunday Funday

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

SUNDAY 5/10

$6 Pitchers: Miller Lite, Coors Light, Bud Light

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

MNJ

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

MONDAY 5/11

$5 Long Islands $2.50 Wells

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

8th Grade Dance w/ SANDSTORM!

1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

TUESDAY 5/12

50% off Drafts $3.50 Bacardi White Rum $3.50 Jack Daniels

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Get free cover for you and 20 friends on your birthday Email us at joesbrewery@gmail.com

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

WEDNESDAY 5/13

$3.50 Jameson

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page!

WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW!

KAM'S

SPECIAL NIGHT

FRI: House of UV: UV Girls! $3 32oz Lite/CL Drafts $3 24oz Lite/CL Cans $4 Blue Guys Bulls! Hawks!

MONDAY: Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale

FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys

Watch the Hawks Here!

WEDNESDAY 5/06

The "Captain Moran" Returns! Get Your Pic w/ The Captain $3 Captain Drinks $2 Bud Platinum Bottles Join us for the Captains Toast!

No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale

Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night

Logo Glass Day: Miller Lite $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hamms

Thirsty Thursday! No Cover! $2 Well Drinks $2.50 Domestic Beers

$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot

$2.50 Specialty Pints and Bottles

FRIDAY 5/08

House of UV: UV Girls! $3 32oz Lite/CL Drafts $3 24oz Lite/CL Cans $4 Blue Guys Bulls! Hawks!

BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

$5 Double Wild Turkey or Skyy $3 Sam Adams Family and Angry Orchard Pints

SATURDAY 5/09

MAKERS MARK PARTY $3.50 Makers Drinks $3 32oz Lite/CL Drafts $4 Pinnacle Blue Guys

Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

$3 Goose Island Family

SUNDAY 5/10

Sunday Funday $2 U Call Its

Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS

$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers

Trivia Night! $2 Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite and Rolling Rock Drafts

MONDAY 5/11

Trivia Monday! $2 U Call Its

Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale

Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30

Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR

Bingo Night $4.50/$3.50 Mighty Mugs of PBR and Hamms

TUESDAY 5/12

COUNTRY NIGHT! Drink in Your Mason Jars! $5 Big Makers, $5 Big Blues $1.50 Coors Lt. Drafts

No Cover! ALL Drafts on sale

Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers

$2 Tall Boys Goldﬁsh Racing at 10!

WEDNESDAY 5/13

$2 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles $2 Dr & Fireball Shots $4 Blue Guys DJ Delicato

No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale

Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night

Logo Glass Day $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hamms

SENIOR NIGHT

THURSDAY 5/07

No Cover 21+ & DJ Jimmy $4 Blue, $3 Bent River Drafts $3 CC Drinks Hawks Game at 7PM!

REDUCED RATES ON ALL REMAINING UNITS! 1/2 OFF SECURITY DEPOSITS ON ONE | TWO | THREE BEDROOM UNITS STARTING AT $315 / PERSON!

ZERO DOWN ON ALL FOUR & FIVE BEDROOM UNITS UNITS STARTING AT $270 / PERSON!

WAIVED APPLICATION FEE! MENTION GREEN SHEEP AND SAVE $20! SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT! VISIT GREENSTREALTY.COM OR CALL US AT 217-356-8750

THESE BAR SPECIALS WILL RESTORE YOUR FAITH IN HUMANITY! TUESDAY: SENIOR NIGHT! $2 WELLS, $2 Bud Light $2 Long Islands

Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

TUES: $2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY

SPECIAL NIGHT

$4 Cruzan Buckets $2 DR. Fire Drinks!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers, $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers

WEDNESDAY 5/06

HAWKS vs WILD 8:30pm $1 Lime-A-Rita 16oz Cans! (3 Flavors to Choose From) $2 Hot Stuff

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$3 Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM

THURSDAY 5/07

Open at Noon Grilling Out at 2pm! Win Cubs Tickets Bulls vs Cavs 7pm Cubs vs Brewers 7pm

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM

FRIDAY 5/08

Hawks vs Wild Cubs vs Brewers 6pm

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$3 Captain, Crown, & 3 Olives Drinks

SATURDAY 5/09

Book your next Event at Red Lion! Email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com

$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp

SUNDAY 5/10

Monday Night Lion $1 WELLS $2 Hot Stuff $2 Bud Bottles

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM

MONDAY 5/11

SENIOR NIGHT! $2 WELLS, $2 Bud Light $2 Long Islands

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY

TUESDAY 5/12

$4 Cruzan Buckets $2 DR. Fire Drinks!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers, $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers

WEDNESDAY 5/13

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PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS

HOW FAR WOULD YOU GO FOR A 4.0? BE EXPLICIT. JAKE

"I would publish a sex tape."

CHAN "I would stop smoking...again."

JESS

"I'd fuck my elderly professor and I'd probably halfway enjoy it."

BARTENDERS OF THE WEEK

ALEX CLY'S

Relationship Status: Taken Major: Women’s studies Favorite Drink: Jäger bombs, all day everyday Favorite Shot: See above Disgusting Drink: Not Jäger If there was a major in bartending, what would be the final?: Getting drunk without a manager knowing. What winter drink plays worst in warm summer weather?: Sriracha UV Which candy is most erotic? Why?: Dark chocolate, just like my women. What’s the best song to blast with the windows down?: “Style” by T-Swift Briefly describe this year’s best bartending story: That time someone kicked on the sprinklers and everyone got wetter. In sexual base running, what is an insidethe-park home run?: Without a doubt, anal. Tell us a salacious secret: I sit when I pee. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: What else do you do when you poop?

LIBBY KAM’S

Relationship Status: Single ;) Major: Agribusiness Favorite Drink: Long Island Favorite Shot: Liquid cocaine Disgusting Drink: Blue Guy If there was a major in bartending, what would be the final?: Pouring 30 drinks in five minutes. What winter drink plays worst in warm summer weather?: Rumple Minze when you light your thumb on fire. Which candy is most erotic?: Edible underwear…duh. What’s the best song to blast with the windows down?: “I Don’t Mind” by Usher Briefly describe this year’s best bartending story: Someone shit on the floor in the basement…animals. In sexual base running, what is an insidethe-park home run?: An OTPHJ, if you’re into it. Tell us a salacious secret: You don’t need to know what happens in the ice room. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It $peaks the truth ~preach~

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FINISHING FINALS

PLASTERED PANCAKES

Since finals are approaching, we know you’re all looking for a distraction from studying. The Black Sheep have a great game for you and your study buddies to play in order to get your mind oﬀ the books for a minute.

The only thing better to have for lunch than lunch food is breakfast food, duh. There’s never a bad time to have a quality stack of pancakes. Isn’t that what IHOP’s all about? Here’s our recipe for our famous The Black Sheep pancakes.

What You’ll Need: Your textbooks and a fifth liquor.

What You’ll Need: Pancake mix, chocolate chips, chocolate syrup, powdered sugar, and whipped cream.

Number of Players: You and your study group. Except for that one guy who is “running late.” Level of Intoxication: Drunk enough to almost recite your alphabet forward. Almost. How to Play: -Take two drinks for every study break you take. -Take two more 45 minutes later when you finally close Facebook. -Take a drink every time you read your textbook and remain clueless. Drink two if it’s not a foreign language. Or math. -Take two drinks for every practice test you fail. -Take three drinks if you pass the practice test. -Take a big ol’ swig if you look outside and the sky is a noticeably different color than when you walked into the UGL. -Finish your drink if you actually understand what you’re studying, ‘cause you’ve made it. The Game Ends When: You finish your textbook or your fifth, whichever happens first.

Fatty Factor: You’ll have enough sugar to get diabetes. Let’s Get Baked: -Turn the stovetop on and spray a pan with nonstick spray. -Once the stove is heated up, drop a scoop of pancake mix harder than you dropped your first class this semester. -After one side is golden brown, flip it! With a little UMPH, ya’ sissie! -Wait for the other side to cook, then remove it from the pan. Make sure it looks as golden as a boy on the volleyball team, but not as burnt as that girl in your French class. -Repeat and make as many pancakes as you want. -Add all of the fixings! Be generous with the chocolate chips and chocolate syrup because it’s the end of the year, so screw it. You might have ended up with more chocolate than pancakes here, but with the diet you’ve been leading on this semester, this may be the healthiest thing you’ve had in months.

BOOZE REVIEW Heineken Lager Grade: B

Let’s face it, post-grads… the south suburbs are looking pretty good right now, aren’t they? No, they’re not? Well, tough titties, buckeroos, because that’s where you’re heading back to this summer, job or not. Unless you’re stopping by a rogue liquor store on the long, lonesome road back home, you can expect to be treated by mom and dad to their deliriously middleaged beer selection. In preparation for the inevitable trek back, here’s at least one The Black Sheep editor’s definition of “dad beer.” Smells Like: Light swill, but not Coors Light swill. You’re an adult now. Standards exist, jabroni. The whole, “Oh, well, I wasn’t buying this time,” excuse won’t cut it anymore. Tastes Like: Hollandaise sauce. But not really. We just thought, you know, with the whole “brewed in Holland” thing… okay, let’s see you write a better joke, asshole. Typical Drinkers: - The all star golfing team over at the local “whatever” firm. - People who parade around in board shorts but still can’t get the hang of the whole “socks with Crocs” thing. - Definitely not Dennis Hopper from Blue Velvet. Jesus Christ, anybody but Dennis Hopper. - Your exceedingly generous father, lord praise him for trying.

User Comments: - “How’s the Porter account looking, Anderson?” - “This is the most passive aggressive beer I’ve ever had the mixed pleasure of tasting.” - “T-thanks, Dad…” - “Heineken??? FUCK THAT SHIT. PABST. BLUE. RIBBON.” You'll Like This if You Like: Playing it relatively safe because, you know, putting the kids through college is rough. Best Described as a Quote from Said Dennis Hopper Character in David Lynch’s Classic Thriller: “You know what, friend? I completely support your choice in lager. I may prefer the taste of Pabst, but hey, different strokes, chum! Now, help feed me oxygen while I have a psychopathic episode.” What Your Father Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “So, uh… did you, uh… how’s the job search, kiddo?” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Grilled hot dogs, off-brand tortilla chips, a waning sense of drive. Canned, Bottled, or Draft: Bottled, because the world needs more support for beers that adopt the “Shrek Green #6015” hue.

Tex Mex Wrote This

APPLY FOR FALL 2015 @ LOFTS54.COM Soon, the flowers will be blooming

be sure to take care of them

SAVE $239 WITH ZERO DOWN Lofts54.com • 217.366.3500 • 309 E. Green, Suite 103 Fees are subject to change. See office for details.

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READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

University to Offer Loan Program for Prospective Donors Kevin Mallin wrote this

In a move surprising only in its sheer, audacious greed, the University of Illinois declared last Friday that they will be opening new programs to help finance donations to the university. “This move will do wonders for creating more administrative positions for our friends and family,” said UIUC administrator William Dou, tapping the tips of his fingers together like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. “Plus, it’ll give grads that are struggling with the job search opportunities to give something back to the institution that is partially to blame for their impoverished status.” The plan, detailed below in a very professional graphic, involves a classic marketing and economics principle called the “double dip.” The first “dip” is the initial cost of getting the degree, then once tuition can no longer be extracted from the target student, the second “dip” involves extracting further funds in the form of donations. The benefit of a “double dip” over the traditional “single dip” is that the dipper receives twice the dip, resulting in something magic money men call “good.” “We see this strategy all the time, even in our pointless, miserable, day-to-day lives,” said economics graduate candidate, Sonora Larson. “Take, for example, the chipand-dip zone of an office party; a loan zone is very similar. In a social setting, ethics,” Larson places the word in air quotes, “dictates whether or not one should execute a double dip, but these moral restrictions just don’t factor into good business.” Local do-gooder and self-described “defender of the human race,” Corey Blackburn, is skeptical of these new programs, describing them as “completely corporate,

bourgeoisie bullshit,” and shouting that “we millennials are getting boned in the butt this way; by colleges, capital, and baby boomers,” and that “it’s just the worst!” However, loan officer Misha Emanoil does not see the downsides to giving people with low-income, entrylevel jobs money at super high interest rates. “Look, we’re not trying to bone anyone in the butt here,” Emanoil said. “All we’re doing is giving these kids a shot. Some of them just really want to give back and toss some cash our way for once.” Emanoil reared up, preparing to lie straight through her teeth and said, “The university does great things with these donations! That archway or whatever it is by Lincoln Hall got restored all thanks to donations. People really care about stuff like that.” In its ceaseless, eldritch quest to self-multiply, the administration does not plan on faltering on the new “Loan Zone” project. “THIS IS BUT THE FIRST STEP IN OUR CONSUMPTION!” said Ry’llangr, 12th Deacon of Excess and Freelance University Treasurer. “WE ARE INFINITE AND OUR HIVES SPAN MANY WORLDS!” Ry’llangr's tentacles were dripping wet over a pit, filled with shimmering gold coins. “IT IS ALSO A GREAT WAY FOR ALUMS TO GIVE BACK! GO ILLINI!” The beast older than the birth of the universe added while holding up a foam finger on one of its appendages. Whether or not the “Loanz 4 Donationz” program is part of some Lovecraftian plot to bring back the Old Gods, or simply a shiftless cash grab is unclear. What is clear is that there will never be a shortage of suckers who don’t understand interest rates and a slightly smaller amount of people willing to rob them blind.

Senior’s Abroad Course Approvals Taking Their Sweet-Ass Time Tex Mex wrote this

CHAMPAIGN - Biting his nails ferociously amidst the jamming of his laptop’s F5 key, questionably graduating senior Derrick Miller has been watching in prolonged horror as his DARS report continuously failed to update. Just a week and a half away from graduation, speculation arose that Miller’s study abroad course approvals from last semester sure are “taking their sweet-ass time.” “It’s just like, what are they even doing, you know?” questioned Miller as he was placed on hold during his frantic, daily call to the Study Abroad Office. “I mean, how hard is it for the Australian grade system to transfer over to the one over here? They spoke English in Melbourne, so just give me the goddamn ‘B’. I don’t care anymore!” After following the usual American study abroad experience involving Miller haphazardly attending class betwixt day trips to other parts of his host country and the prospect of perpetual day drinking with Erasmus students, the senior communications student fears that his course approvals won’t be processed in time for him to walk alongside his fellow classmates before departing for the unemployment line. While it’s customary for abroad course approvals to take months to process, Miller’s struggle is a case lined with extra hardship given how lazy the approvals themselves have been acting.

“Believe me when I say that the bratty and irritated students have the absolute least amount of work to worry about with this whole godforsaken process,” lamented Study Abroad Office advisor Brenda McMillon. Honestly, we’d have these international grades processed within minutes if it weren’t for the approvals just dilly-dallying about. No, seriously, I called up Miller’s approvals just the other day, and they still gave me the usual, ‘oh, we’re still converting,’ excuse bullshit.” While both Miller and the Study Abroad Office further strain their maligned relationship by sitting idle at the hands of the passive course approvals, the approvals themselves don’t seem too concerned about the whiney senior’s debatable ontime graduation. In fact, most of their time spent in the offbeat outer-reaches of international cyberspace are spent actively complaining and taking pride in their delaying of Miller’s completed transcripts. “Honestly, we’re kind of on this whole ‘you snooze, you lose’ philosophy right now,” explained Miller’s course approval for Australian Digital Media—or CMN 300, the student hopes. “We figure that, since abroad students don’t really take the time to ever study us during their experience, we just like to reciprocate the favor. Plus, like, do you have any idea how hard it is to be mailed back electronically overseas in this day and age? Like, mega hard, you don't even know, dude."

It's also apparent that both of Miller's other course approvals, including Influences in Australian Communication and Australian Modes of Conference in the Post-Digital Age, also share similar sentiments in taking their sweet-ass time before being properly converted and transcribed for the American education system. Rumors have arisen that the latter even intends to purposely fail its own approval due to “a lack of a corresponding UIUC course or something like that.” “I just don’t understand why it takes so long to get these done,” further bemoaned a tragic Miller. “Had I known they were going to take this long to process, I would’ve submitted these approvals at least two weeks ago. Don’t they understand that my graduation is on the line? Ugh.”

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Super Senior Develops Super Powers After Failing Another Semester

“It was weird,” Burns said. “It was like, as I put it on, it grew three times in size. I was being swallowed--by cotton this time--but it was still great! It made that cheat sheet I created earlier for Theater 100 super easy to hide.” As he took off for the door, realizing his hand was still in his pants, he attempted to rush to class, walking this time instead of his usual crawl. But once more, something took a hold of Burns.

The Cartoon

“I was moving insanely slow, like slower than your mom last night,” he said, high-fiving

Jupiter Stevens wrote this

URBANA — Groups of prospective students at the University of Illinois were each given the same orange “welcome” bag Tuesday afternoon as their parents were promised all students receive individual care.

It was just an average morning for super senior Lenny Burns; he woke up at 1 p.m., ate the slice of pizza he found sticking to the back of the refrigerator, drank one...or 10 beers, and proceeded to put his hands down his pants. But, as Burns proceeded to put on his TCF hoodie, he noticed something was different with his usually stained apparel.

Prospective Students With Same Orange Bag Promised Chance to be Treated as Individual

a passerby. “But that’s beside the point because, in that moment, everything around me was moving so fast! That’s when I knew. That’s when I saw my true calling lined up right before my eyes. Being a super senior made me a super hero. Not doing shit really does pay off!” A super hero indeed. Burns was able to make it to his theater class 40 minutes late, look the teacher in the eye and tell him he was on time and get away with it. “I’ve got to use my powers for good,” Burns said. “I’m going to start with finding a way to remove Alma and putting a

statue of myself in that spot. I deserve to be noticed for being a boss.” A picture of Burns’ face can be seen placed over Alma’s now while he waits for construction to begin. “There’s a secret society of us,” said Burns. “We all got great powers like cutting Chipotle lines, forgetting MTD is a thing, and becoming a super senior yet again. But I’m pretty I’ve got the coolest powers. I can make clothes grow to hide the answers to my test. Suck on that, Aqua Man!” - Skyla G wrote this

“Yeah, yeah, you’ll get all the help you’ll need,” a university tour guide said, tattooing a barcode to the forearm of one incoming freshman. “Everyone on campus is here to help you out with any problems you have, don’t you worry about it.” The tour guide made it clear to the group of parents that all students are welcomed into the community in their first few days on campus. “They participate in a ton of group activities in their respective dorms that highlight the importance of growing together as individuals, then at the end of the week, they all get organized together in a roped-off “I” to take a picture as one,” the tour guide said. “Like a herd?” one parent asked. “Anyway,” the tour guide quickly responded, giving each kid a series of numbers as a new

nickname. “If you zoom in far enough in the picture, you can pick yourself out. It’s pretty amazing.” The tour guide assured the parents that there are a number of things students can do as an individual part of the university, such as chanting on their own together at football and basketball games. “Each student at U of I gets the chance to feel like their own person,” the tour guide said, taking a student’s picture for their iCard and blurring out the face. “Perfect. You look like you’ll fit right in with everyone else.”

A BLACK SHEEP SPECIAL REPORT

PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS

Amid Star Wars Buzz, Early Plans Surface

Star Wars, one of the most commercially successful franchises of all time, has a seventh installment coming out in December. Projections say that it will be one of the biggest movie releases in the history of film. Understandably, fans are both excited and concerned for the next three episodes of the series. They’re excited because of the tense anticipation after the conclusion of the previous trilogy, as well as concerned because of the extreme disappointment after the conclusion of the previous trilogy. “Star Wars fans are somewhat unpredictable,” said avid Star Wars enthusiast Timothy Griffin. “When the original trilogy came out, the fan base developed almost immediately. The original trilogy is still the fan favorite, because it is really good. However, the second trilogy came out and it was bad. Fans don’t like the second trilogy as much because it is bad, so what the filmmakers now need to do is to make three movies that are really good, so that way people will like them.” As with any major motion picture, the development of the seventh episode of the series, The Force Awakens, went through many drafts and choices of directors in early development. Yet the gravity of the Star Wars franchise meant the film went through an even more strenuous production, with many different approaches. An initial idea was to save money on the actual direction of the film by having the entire script shown by the scrolling text in the beginning of the movie. No directors, or actors, or any live-action aspects of the movie would be needed, thus creating a much cheaper film. “This was in the initial stages of planning the sequel trilogy, when I truly did not care about fans of the series,” said George Lucas. “I mean, I still don’t. Like, they’re mad at me for making and editing my own movies? They’re my movies, shut up and find something else to complain about.” Finding a director proved to be the first challenge. “There’s a lot of talent in Hollywood right now, so we wanted to find the director who both had the best skills to offer as well as the best suited for this project,” said Lucas. “Naturally, our first choice was Tyler Perry.” The original script, pumped out by Perry and his writing army in a matter of days, was titled Tyler Perry Presents: Madea and the Big Happy Black Family Sith Black Big Happy Family. It detailed pretty much a collage of his past scripts, but takes place in the Star Wars universe. The film inexplicably contains Madea, a fictional character that Perry plays. She is a large, black woman whose charms involve hurting people and saying inappropriate things. “You’ve got to be out of your goddamn mind,” said Samuel L. Jackson when asked to reprise his past role, Jedi Mace Windu, in the film. Another possible budget-cutting option was hiring Eddie Murphy as the star of the series. “Eddie is really cost efficient, because he’ll play every single part,” said Lucas. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a Sith Lord or an old, Chinese man; if we want him to, he’ll play it. No matter how ridiculous or unentertaining it seems.” Murphy was

busy, as he is currently in the midst of creating his own one-person movie, Twelve Angry Eddie Murphys. Early plans to hire Woody Allen as writer and director were also scrapped. “We just found it hard to envision a plot about evil taking over the universe and one young boy who can stop them with his superior swordsmanship and cunning that revolves entirely around existential crises,” commented Lucas. “He kept trying to cast Jesse Eisenberg as Luke Skywalker, and I just don’t see Luke as so… I don’t know...Jewish.” Plans with Allen fell through as talks about the script and the cinematic vision developed. “We had to tell him no, Tatooine is not on the upper west side, but then he tried to compromise and have it in San Francisco or Paris. And he didn’t like the scrolling text and the John Williams soundtrack at the beginning of the film; he wanted a white text on a black background while a Cole Porter standard played in the background.” The deal finally fell through when Allen demanded that C-3PO not stammer throughout the film and each scene be limited to two Nietzsche references. Fan speculation over the direction of the story is amiss, with the teaser trailers letting very little be known. “I hope they follow the canon of the books, because there’s already so much about the characters written there,” said Griffin. “Or maybe they could draw on the Clone Wars series, or the graphic novels!” “Do you think I really read that crap?” said Lucas. “I stopped reading Star Wars fan fiction pretty much the moment the internet gave it to me. And now we pay people to do it. Honestly, maybe the movies do follow the books. I don’t really read the scripts that much either. It’s not really my thing. I’ve been getting into Adam Sandler movies recently. Like that movie he’s making about Native Americans looks hysterical! I don’t know if it can be funnier that Grown Ups 2, though." Scriptwriting also proved to be an early challenge. “There was a question of how we wanted the movie to end. And the truth is, I don’t want it to end. I love these films and I never want to lay them down to rest. So I wrote that at the end this guy wakes up and it was all a dream,” Lucas continued. “Because fuck you, I don’t owe you an ending. I just wrote an entire movie after making six others. If that’s how it ends, that’s how it ends. And it’s canon now too. I hate fanboys so much, with their inane wikis and message boards. That’s how the movie ends now. The entirety of the Star Wars universe takes place inside of a dream.” Upon request for clarification, Lucas said, “I’m not just being shitty, that’s how the movie actually ends. I don’t care about spoilers at this point in my life. Do you know how annoying it is to have people already say they don’t like your movie two weeks before it comes out? No, that’s what’s happening. If people don’t like it I don’t care. Actually, I’m happy. I’m doing what I want. Because that’s what films are about: connecting with people and making them feel happy. Even if it’s just yourself.”

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SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION

KEVIN HART

BEN AFFLECK

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THE QUIZ: WE KNOW WHAT YEAR IN SCHOOL YOU ARE... 1) What is your favorite beverage? A. A nice glass of alcohol. B. Milk from your mother. C. Coffee, coffee and more coffee. D. Bottled water. 2) Where can we catch you on a Friday night? A. LION!!!! B. Murphy’s or White Ho. C. At a mediocre frat party. D. On a bus back home to the ‘burbs. 3) How do you carry your keys? A. What keys? I live in my Greek house. B. Sweet lanyard from the Illini Union Bookstore. C. On a hair tie I keep on my wrist. D. I forget. 4) How do you feel about the end of the school year? A. YAY!!! TIME TO GO HOME! B. *Sobbing uncontrollably* C. Whatever, man. D. Thank the lord. 5) What are your views on dating? A. I shacked last night. B. I’m just waiting for everyone to be as mature as I am, then I’ll meet my soul mate. C. Make out with everyone I meet. D. Hopeless.

6) Which Chihuahua photo speaks to your soul? A.

10-17: Freshman

You are a freshman. How you are even functioning without your mommy by your side is astounding. Enjoy the care packages while you can buddy, because next year you’ll be missing those macaroons. 7) What’s your favorite type of noodle? A. Spaghetti, because I can’t do anything. B. Penne, because I don’t give a shit. C. Angel hair, I am a boner and a try-hard. D. Bowtie, I'm a huge nerd. 8) Who liked your last Instagram picture? A. Carol, my BFF. (AKA Mom, you da bomb!) B. No one. C. My friends because I made them like it. D. My slam, hell yeah! 9) Best part about May? A. SUMMER. B. Nothing? C. New beginnings! D. NOTHING. Goodbye to life as I know it. 10) Why are you taking this quiz? A. The Black Sheep is awesome! I read it for all my news!. B. Idk C. I’m procrastinating. D. I literally had nothing better to do with my time.

18-25: Sophomore

You think you’re hot shit because you’re not the freshmeat, don’t you? Newsflash: you aren’t. So remove that stick from your ass and step down from your high horse because you are still nothing.

26-33: Junior

Now that you’re 21, you think you rule the school. But junior year is actually the most stressful of them all because you have to start thinking about being a real person. So, yeah, have fun.

34-40: Senior

Even though you are about to leave Alma’s warm embrace to enter the harsh adult world, you would rather spend your days binge-watching Netflix than attending a 9 a.m. discussion. ANSWER KEY: 1) A- 4, B-1, C-3, D-2 2) A-3, B-4, C-2, D-1 3) A-2, B-1, C-3, D-4

4) A-1, B-4, C-2, D-3 5) A-3, B-2, C-1, D-4 6) A-1, B-2, C-3, D-4 7) A-2, B-4, C-3, D-1

8) A-1, B-4, C-2, D-3 9) A-2, B-3, C-1, D-4 10) A-1, B-2, C-3, D-4.

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