Illinois - Issue 15 - 5/1/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Volume 22, Issue 15 • 5/1/13 - 5/8/13

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The History of Cinco de Mayo Kitty Kat and Benny Boy wrote this A long, long time ago in a small village outside of Tijuana, a small boy named Vicente lived with his mother and father. They didn’t have much money; well, really no one did at this time, but at least they were happy. Vicente didn’t attend school and was too young to work, so he spent his days at home with his family or out wandering the hot Mexican deserts. When he walked alone, Vicente always pretended he was a rich and powerful king, one who lived in a large palace in the biggest, fanciest city in Mexico. When Vicente became tired and thirsty and returned to a dry and food-less home, all of his dreams quickly melted away. But he never let his parents know how depressed and miserable he felt; he knew they were feeling the exact same way. One night, after saying his prayers alongside his nest of blankets and old pillows, Vicente whispered softly, “One day I will be a king, and the whole country of Mexico will know my name. There will be a whole day to celebrate me and my family and everything I did. I just know it.” Vicente slowly drifted off to sleep, imaging himself in lavish purple robes and a golden crown. As legend has it, later that night there was a terrific crack of thunder across the sky, followed by streaks of violent green lightning. Vicente woke with a start and looked out of the window of his adobe hut. With a great fear in his heart, Vicente saw a large hole open up in the sky, out of it pouring hundreds of thousands of six-foot tall, flaming serpent wizards. As the fiery serpents landed on the ground they immediately began burning down villages and pillaging households. In the distance, Vicente heard the giant snakes chanting, “Couronnes de feu sur leurs maisons!” as they meticulously destroyed Vicente’s home country. “Dios mio,” Vicente thought. “They’re French.” Just then, Vicente heard a rustling in his closet followed by several muffled, arguing voices. Cautiously, Vicente opened the door to his closet and out fell three small Mexican garden gnomes. These disgruntled creatures hobbled themselves to their feet, all of them looking distressed. “A time of dread and fear has come, grab your things and we will run. The serpents from across the sea have come to set a blaze to thee! Vicente of the brave and true, we have come to

A Cruel Champaign Summer Why a few hot months here aren't so hot.

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rescue you! No time to waste or to explain; please heed the words of this refrain!” the stout leader of the garden gnomes said to Vicente, though why he was speaking in English rhymes was anyone’s guess. Before he had time to respond, a great burst of flame appeared just outside his window. Feeling the heat of the French serpent wizard’s flames, Vicente and the gnomes jumped back into the closet and fell down through space and time into a dark and misty bog. “Into the realm of the gnome you have fell. Here you will be treated well!” the gnome said.

what'’s inside

“Wait. Before we go on, what are your names?” Vicente asked the troupe. “No time to waste so I’ll begin pronto; the name given to me is Tonto!” the first said. “We really must be in a hurry, but people like to call me Yuri!” the second said. “For many ages I have lead, these groups of gnomes which you have met. Through fire and water we shall go, but before that I will let you know. Kiwi's the name of this holy gnome, now let’s continue to our home!” the leader of the three gnomes said.

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Graduating Senior Decides to Spend Yet Another Night In

Top 10: New Places to Take Graduation Pictures

And he actually has a good time.

Some quick-fix replacements for the Alma Mater.

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STUDY TOMORROW.

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contents page 5: Brandon Paul to Apply for Internship With Charlotte Bobcats

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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His prior experience makes him a shoo-in.

page 7: Roommates: A Consumer's Review Get the full scoop on next semester's dejected prospects.

page 8: Take Me Out of the Ball Park How to avoid getting kicked out of a Sox game this summer.

page 9: The Summer Plans From Hell

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Think ahead and don't go on the road trip.

page 10: Westboro Baptist Church Protests Radically Liberal, Questionably Gay Pomeranian's Funeral

Table of

Who thought occasional leg humping could be so bad?

page 16: Bartenders of the Week A white ho and White Ho.

page 17: Booze of the Week Pineapple Captain Morgan is grade A yummy.

page 18: The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part XII--The Finale How will this thrilling Champaign saga end?!

page 18: From the streets

What's the first thing you're going to do after your last final?

Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Jackie Breen distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mitch Heiar Contributing Writers David Rubin, Rebecca Jacobs Molly Forrest, Kimberly Gleeson Sean Neumann, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner Sam Caravette

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pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Micek Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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! k e e W e h t f o c i P

Dear Mike, I’m thinking about starting a reggae band. We will play only real roots reggae, and we’ll write our own stuff. Want in? Sincerely, RastafariJahLove Dear RJL, You’re going about this in completely the wrong way. The band hasn’t even formed yet, and you are already deciding what kind of music we are going to play? You’ve already skipped many of the key steps to forming a successful band. The first step is always to come up with a catchy name for your band. There are many schools of thought on the subject of band names, but the best way to choose a name is to see what is popular at the time. Right now, having “&” is all the rage. Mumford & Sons, Fits & the Tantrums, Florence & the Machine, Belle & Sebastian, the list goes on. I think our name should be “And & the &’s.” With that decided we can move on. Now, you mentioned that you want to start a reggae band, which I honestly think is a great idea. Here at the U of I we live in the single largest concentration of fraternity brothers in the western hemisphere. A decent reggae band would clean up in this town, and I think that could be us. Although, I don’t know about your idea to write original songs. If we can find a way to play a reggae version of “Wagon Wheel” to fill a 45-minute set, then that would be our best course of action. See you at practice, Mike

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Reticents: The last five dollars in a college

student’s bank account, which they are hesitant to spend. “Emilio only had $2.36 in reticents in his bank account, so he put the ramen back on the shelf and left the grocery store hungry.”

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Brandon Paul to Apply for Internship

with Charlotte Bobcats Jupiter Stevens wrote this Brandon Paul recently announced that he plans to apply for an internship with the Charlotte Bobcats organization this summer. The twenty-one year old guard said he is hoping to work his way up the company, and added that maybe one day he too could play real basketball. "I might not get the job," Paul admitted nervously, "but I'm used to always taking long shots. No, but seriously, like... always." Paul said he has been working on his resume all week and is just "trying to beef it up" as much as he can. “I added a few points to my overall career score and an inch or two to my height. I just want to seem as impressive and intimidating as possible. I mean, I'm not Dee Brown," Paul laughed. Then cried. Then laughed again. “Oh shit, what am I doing?” he said. Paul said he has a little bit of experience in the field of basketball, so he believes he might stand out in comparison to other hopeful applicants. "It's all about how your past experiences can show what you’re capable of," the young guard stated. "That’s why I didn’t include any of my time at McDonalds or K-Mart on my resume. I don't want to just fill my resume with pointless dribble. I mean, drivel. Who dribbles anymore?"

born to be a Bobcat," Paul shrugged. "I feel pretty confident in my chances of finding a spot with the organization." Paul said he expects to be "pushing papers" for the first few years but is confident that he can eventually end up on the court with his fellow semi-professionals. "I guess I'll just grab some guys a couple coffees everyday for a little while," Paul said, thinking of how his first year in the organization might go. "It's going to be a lot of running back and forth, kind of like when I always had to chase the other teams down the court on fast-breaks. So at least I’m already in shape for the position."

When asked why Paul decided to apply for a position with the Charlotte Bobcats, he said that he believes their style of play best fits his abilities. "I guess I feel like I can really fit in with the team," Paul said miserably. "I've been where they are before. Four times before, actually." Paul pointed to 2011 as a prime example for why he belongs in the organization. "They won seven games and lost the other 59," Paul said. "I can do that shit. I can totally do that shit."

Michael Jordan, current owner of the Charlotte Bobcats, said the organization needs some "seatfillers," so Paul may have more of a chance than he had originally thought. "I can totally do that!" Paul said. "I have some experience being told to sit on the bench. I don’t always like it, but you have to start somewhere!"

Paul said the 2012-13 Illini season is at the top of his resume, citing the similarities between Illinois' season to the Bobcats’ surprisingly strong 7-5 start to the season, which was suddenly stalled by an 18-game losing streak. "It's pretty much like I've worked there for the past four years, like I was

Whether or not Brandon Paul gets his desired internship, the player says he will find a way to get an internship for the summer, even if it means going overseas to apply for a position. "I won't let an opportunity slip through my hands," Paul promised. "I mean, it's not a basketball or anything."

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A Cruel Champaign Summer Forrest Fire wrote this

A Champaign summer is quite the hyped up event. Expected happenings include, but are not limited to, countless blackouts, copious accounts of casual sex, and a plethora of days at the pool. Don’t get us wrong, we dabble in reckless activities as much as the next unmotivated college newspaper staff, but the cynic in us needs to remove the blindfold. A Champaign summer holds many irresponsible things to look forward to, but also a few of which to be wary. The first thing that no one takes into consideration is the significant drop in population. The campus population goes from a lively 40,000 to a silent 2,000 in a matter of days. This is probably a good thing for you, the summer Champaignian, since you might finally make those friends of the opposite gender that you’ve naughtily dreamt of. But the only thing that this drastic decrease in humans will do for you is make you more vulnerable. The walk down Green Street will no longer be a quick trek, passing by strangers but never having to really face them. In the summer, this stroll will now be filled with those weird “we boned once but neither of us is acknowledging the other’s presence” looks. You will be reminded that you chose Illinois not for its prestige, but instead for its Big Ten student body you disguise yourself in everyday during your walking commute. Not anymore. Townies are the second big issue in a well-balanced Champaign summer. During break, the townies outnumber the college students, and this gives them creepy, overpowering confidence. Banded together, townies own the night, and one must beware of their overwhelming, trapping presence. Townies at first appear friendly, buying drinks and giving you a self-esteem boost because, well, you’re not a townie and this guy is totally diggin’ you. But after numerous Blue Guys and a fuzzy walk home, you wake up with more than a hangover. The toothless townie wakes you up with the whispered words, “My mom’s here to pick me up.”

After the first month of summer you begin to realize that your debit card has yet again gotten the best of you. Sure you work, but a twenty-hour workweek can by no means support your two-days/ six-nights drinking schedule. All this drinking has also turned your pool wardrobe into the bathing suit and oversized t-shirt combo you used when you were obese in sixth grade. You’ll blame the weight gain and poor spending habits on drunken food runs and decide to start the always-successful Adderall-and-nicotine diet to get back into shape. Your logic is somewhat successful because not eating significantly lowers your alcohol tolerance. However, now you have two new addictions to feed when you could have just walked to few blocks to the ARC or picked up a few more shifts at work. Your lack of a relationship will be your final Champaign summer downfall. The reduced population in the Champaign-Urbana area will resemble a post-apocalyptic society, and you can’t be picky about who you think is attractive or not. People’s natural instincts will kick in, and everyone except you will begin to couple up for society’s sake. You can try to lure a suitor with your pool pass, full-blast air conditioning, or unprotected sex, but you will still end up alone—or with a new, neverbefore-seen venereal outbreak—while the rest of your friends are frolicking into the fall with their clean significant others. If you are still optimistic for your summer experience after all this, there is one last thing to mention. The Champaign police will have less work to do than during the school year, so targeting minors like yourself will be their only priority, along with writing parking tickets to oblivious parents bringing their incoming freshman down for orientation. It won’t be until after your third drinking ticket that you will realize we were right, and that it is now your turn to share this advice with the next generation of Champaign summer frolickers. You’ve been warned.

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Roommates: A Consumer’s Review black sheep staff wrote this As the year comes to an end, you're starting to make living plans for the near, post-graduate future. To ease your many worries, The Black Sheep composed this consumer’s guide to ensure that you can confidently make an informed decision when choosing a new roommate. Here is a comprehensive list of the bestselling roommates on today's market. The Sleeper: As the name suggests, this roommate is almost always in bed. While they may not actually be asleep, they'll be in a zombie-like state watching Game of Thrones or some other unhealthily addictive series. They leave the room three times per day: once to eat a feast and twice to use the restroom. On the weekends they may also indulge in some illegal substances while skulking in their cave. Advantages: They stay out of the way and are generally harmless. They won't ask anything of you, and they're entirely low maintenance. If you're looking for a roommate that is easy to take care of, this is one of the best options. Disadvantages: If you are sharing a room with them, your life will be a living hell smelling of showerless body odor. WARNING: side effects may include infectious clinical depression. The Passive-Aggressive Bitch: Instead of asking you to do your dishes, she'll make a point of loudly doing them for you, huffing and puffing all the while. At the beginning of the semester she seemed like the perfect roommate, proclaiming how laidback she is, but the minute things get stressful in her life, she subtly takes her issues out on you. Advantages: She'll never actually say she's mad at you, and she'll never actually tell you to do anything. If you're able to shut out

her constant guilt trips and awkwardly obvious hints, she's the right roommate for you. Disadvantages: She is constantly unhappy but will never tell you why. She will expect you to figure it out on your own. When she's having a particularly difficult day, her frustration will boil over and she will have a nervous breakdown. This roommate is a ticking time bomb. Purchase at your own risk. The Party Pooper: This roommate has no social life, and any attempt at creating your own social life will somehow be negatively affected by her. It's not their fault. They're just not a fun person. They like playing monopoly and crocheting a hat for their cat, and their idea of a crazy night out involves lots of Illinites and soda (non alcoholic). Advantages: They'll keep you grounded. When you need to get a paper done they'll be sure to guilt you into staying focused… and keep them company. You won't be tempted to invite people over because they'll be deterred by your awkward roommate. This roommate is best for maximizing productivity. Disadvantages: Due to this roommate’s creepiness, your social life will cease existing. Despite your intentions, people will associate you with your roommate, and by proxy, you will become a party pooper. It's another calculated risk with very little pay out. The Leech: They'll drink your beer, eat your Cheez-Its, and use excessive amounts of toilet paper. When you ask them to replace something, they'll make false promises for restocking, and you'll still be the one stealing toilet paper from the dining hall. They'll also make sure to inconveniently take up the common area with their scattered belongings and old dinner plates. It's not worth trying to change them, because they have no idea they're doing

anything wrong. Advantages: This person is pretty much insufferable, but their hygienic obliviousness is kind of cute. Disadvantages: Everything. They'll make you dread coming home, and they'll turn your apartment into a swirling black hole of despair. They are especially incompatible with Type A personalities. As you reflect on your experience in the past year, determine what means most to you in a new roommate. While these four models could be a good fit, the only way you can really find out for sure if a roommate is right for you is by aggressively stalking them and judging their Facebook page. So have at it.

Graduating Senior Decides to Spend Yet Another Night In David Rubin wrote this After four years of excessive drinking and experimental drug use, 22-year-old Matthew Nielson makes the easy decision to stay in on a Friday night instead of going to the bars, just days away from graduation. “I’m just too tired,” Nielson stated. “I showered and changed clothes, but then my roommate was telling me about House of Cards on Netflix, so I decided to stay in and watch that instead. It’s pretty good so far.” While 21+ bars have generated some recent attention from graduating seniors, Nielson remains largely unimpressed. “Me and some friends checked out KAM’S a couple times in the past few months," Nielson said. "It was a pretty good time, but it still has that rank, pukey smell. I figured it would’ve dissipated when the underclassmen couldn’t go there anymore, but it didn’t. Do you have any idea where the fuck that smell is coming from? I’ve been here for four years and still can’t figure it out.” Nielson paused for a moment to take a bite out of a D.P. Dough calzone that had been sitting on the table since the night before. It isn’t just the night out that irritates Nielson but the mental anguish that goes along with the preparation. “When I go out, I have to shower and change into some nice clothes or I’ll be treated like a goddamn animal," Nielson said. "When I hang out here, I can smell like the inside of a suitcase, look like I haven’t showered in days, and not even wear pants. It’s a lifestyle that I’m much more comfortable with.” It was at this point that

Nielson started to clean the lint in between his toes. When it comes to most underclassmen, bars are where male college students thrive among young impulsive women who go home with just about anyone who can carry on a conversation for five minutes. Nielson claims that his taste in women has progressed with age. “You see, with those younger girls, they’re nice and everything, but they don’t really put out,” Nielson remarked. “It’s either that or they throw up everywhere. But after you get to know the girls my age, we just look at each other and say, ‘You know the drill.’ And then, before you know it, our pants are off and there’s a lot of touching and rubbing.” This ordeal isn’t unusual for Nielson, who has stayed in at least two weekend nights for the past four weeks. “It’s not that going out isn’t fun anymore, but I just don’t see the point in waiting in line at bars for forty minutes,” Nielson affirmed. “It’s more fun to just invite people over, get a good buzz going, smoke some pot, and watch a movie. Or just sit here alone with the TV.” Nielson took a moment to step away from our interview in order to ask his roommate if he’d be interested in playing beer pong and watching The Americans tonight. Nielson claims that he has seen over a dozen new movies in the past month. “Netflix has a lot of great content if you

look around enough,” he says. Hemlock Grove, the new season of Game of Thrones, and old episodes of The Office have all been staples of Nielson’s nights. “Netflix is starting to learn about who I am, what I like, and what I’d like to see," Nielson said. "It’s really difficult to go out and get hammered when Netflix lays out exactly the kind of content I want to watch.” Nielson also suggested that people should really check out the new season of Mad Men. "Seriously," he sternly said.

His future plans are already set in place, as his summer is plagued with unemployment and a dangerous amount of free time. “I’ll probably just drink a lot of beer to get ready for the new season of Arrested Development," Nielson predicted. "I’m gonna fly through that shit." Nielson’s senior year has morphed him into the new generation of indoor kids, who elect to drunkenly watch endless hours of television instead of socializing with close friends and making significant attempts at getting laid. “Whatever, I’m totally cool with that.”

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Take Me Out of the Ball Park Reindeer Games wrote this As the semester comes to a close and we retreat back to our parent’s houses, many of us will begin to enjoy America’s favorite past time: getting shitfaced at a baseball game. Baseball games are almost four hours long, and runs are often few and far between, so fans use sweet, sweet tailgating to get properly sauced for the event. Sometimes this outdoor pregame can go too far, and you end up getting tossed from the park minutes after stepping inside. Recently, I was forcefully removed from Wrigley Field for the second time in less than a year due to heavy tailgating. My goal is to impart valuable wisdom on you in hopes that you don’t spend $50 on a ticket to not even see a lick of the game. For starters, know your ballpark. A little research ahead of time can save you expulsion from the ballpark, or worse, a night in the city jail. Wrigley Field is going to be significantly stricter about how drunk you are than U.S. Cellular Field. On the other hand, Boston frowns upon any sober individuals under the age of sixteen stepping foot into Fenway. Teams like the Miami Marlins can’t afford to kick anyone out of their park since no one goes to their games, so get as belligerent as physically possible if you ever make your way down south. As a rule of thumb, it is much more acceptable to be ridiculously drunk in the bleachers than it is in the family section. Parents generally frown upon you screaming obscenities and accidentally pouring beer on their horrified children. Plus, in their park’s bleachers, the Mets outfielders can totally hear you when you remind them that they are the worst outfield in the history of the MLB. It’s awesome because if you look close enough, you can even see them start to cry. Yeah, you fucking suck, Jordan

Valdespin, and you need to know it. Another great way to ensure an enjoyable baseball experience without security kicking your ass to the curb is to properly pace yourself. If nicely organized, a tailgate should be two hours of drinking beer, eating sausage, and playing bags whilst listening to Jock Jams. Eating food is always a great way to ensure some balance and help you form that beer gut you’ve been working on. If amateurishly scheduled, your tailgate could turn into three guys chugging a fifth of Smirnoff in ten minutes because they didn’t get to the game until the second inning. In that case, skip the tailgate and punish yourself with the $15 beers inside the stadium. If you are cheering for your team at an opposing ballpark, you should retain a certain level of sobriety to ensure your own safety. For example, there is a reasonable expectation as a White Sox fan visiting Detroit that you may have your kidney stolen and sold on the black market when you’re not paying attention. Be sure to keep a low profile. Wearing your team’s colors is one thing, but you can’t actively talk shit about the other team, unless they are the Twins, as Minnesotans are surprisingly friendly and polite. Even if you tell them Joe Mauer has a mangina and eats fetuses before each game, you’ll likely receive a genuine Minnesotan handshake along with a round of drinks. The final piece of advice is never, ever, ever go to a baseball game you plan on tailgating with someone under 21. They are a huge liability and will either purposely or unwittingly ruin everything. You may think that it will be fine since they will be with a bunch of people who are 21, but since minors make the

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worst drunks of all time, they will ensure you get into some kind of trouble. Wrigley Field employs old, bitter women just for the sole purpose of spying on college-age kids to ensure they don’t give beers to each other. They also have a mini-jail deep within the ivy walls to house said 19- and 20-year-olds when they catch them. Public drunkenness and baseball go hand-in-hand like blowjobs and taking massive shits. They can be an amazing experience if done right, but more often than not result in disaster. Seriously, alcohol is so intertwined with baseball that Miguel Cabrera probably has tequila in his Gatorade bottle. To make sure you don’t have to watch the game from the parking lot, just don’t do anything stupid, kid.

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The

Top 10

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New Places to Take Graduation Pictures

Seniors across campus were outraged when it was announced that the Alma Mater would not be returning in time for graduation. With the traditional picture-taking spot now being nothing but an empty platform, here are ten new places for some killer post-grad selfies. 10.) Frat House Bedroom: Pay tribute to the location you spent most of your time during college, because we sure as Hell know it wasn’t lecture or your own bedroom. Make sure you’re wearing your bang buddy’s oversized t-shirt, and that you get a shot of his Greek letters in the background to capture the full effect. 9.) Outside of The Red Lion: Graduation pictures should be personal and commemorate an important part of your time at the university. And obviously the Poop Girl incident was at the top of everyone’s list. Strike her pose outside on the sidewalk and make sure you wear your lacey green panties. 8.) Memorial Stadium End Zone: Get down on your knees and make your most triumphant, game-winning pose. We all know you’re never going to be a success out in the real world, but at least you can pretend and poke fun at yourself a bit before heading off to your internship at your suburban Wal-Mart.

The Summer Plans from Hell Sammie Sea wrote this With the sweet taste of summer just around the corner, our days will soon be filled with the refreshing taste of a cold beer as we swelter underneath the hot sun in the sticky humidity. However, the worst part of summer is not the god-awful heat (although, it does suck when your summer job is outside) but rather the plans people make during the summer that never work out. You know, the things that consistently go wrong each year and just end up being a bonerkiller for everyone involved. Yeah, those. The Road Trip: Sounds like a great idea? Newsflash! It’s never a great idea for a couple of major reasons. First of all, driving for hours on end is not appealing to anyone. Sure, initially everyone is all jazzed up, making playlists for the car ride, buying copious amounts of Red Bull and snacks, but here’s the problem: After a good hour and a half into the trip, people start falling asleep. That is, everyone except the driver. This is where the trip starts to go to Hell. Once you stop for gas, people are going to skimp out on giving you money, no one’s going to want to trade spots and drive, and there’s always that one person bitching in the back about how uncomfortable they are. Once you get to your destination, everyone is already so cranky and annoyed that the trip was barely worth it. And here’s the kicker: You get to drive back and do it all over again! Road trip? No thanks; you’re better off riding the couch for a few days, instead. The Camping Trip: Unless you’re Bear Grylls, you shouldn’t be camping. We all like to pretend we could tough it out in the wilderness for a few days with nothing except a tent and a little fire, but we all know that the second we lose phone service, we’re going to be sent into a major panic attack. What’s so appealing about sleeping on the ground? Put a few rocks in your bed and crank up the air conditioning so you’re freezing all night. It’s the same experience, without all the bugs and dirt. Most of us are from the ‘burbs, so let’s stop kidding ourselves. We’d have a hard time lasting the day without a Wendy’s nearby. Save

7.) Wendy’s: This restaurant coming to campus brought more joy to students than our athletic programs ever could. Buy a Frosty for old time’s sake and muster a smile outside our favorite redhead’s lair. Make sure your photographer can zoom in to catch the small tear of happiness running down your cheek. 6.) Morrow Plots: If you can pull this off, you’ll have the most impressive piece of memorabilia that any other Illinois alumni would want to snag. Everyone has wanted to do this for years, but anyone who has tried has probably been burned at the stake by now. If you’re too much of a pussy to try it, just find someone who’s really good at Photoshop.

yourself the trouble and rent out a swanky hotel room with a pool instead. Make it a 3-star if you really want to rough it. The Beach: The beach is great, but we all know we have our grievances with it every single time we go. On a hot day it’s usually packed, which isn’t really bad in itself except for the fact that people don’t give a shit about personal space. Minding our own business won’t stop the frat douche who thinks he’s in the Frisbee Olympics from kicking sand all over your back as you tan. Now you have sand in your pants, and that is the most uncomfortable thing in the world. Chances are the day you go to the beach— especially if it’s on Lake Michigan—it’s going to be windy as hell. That means you’ll spend about half the time weighing your belongings down so they don’t fly off into a crowd of people. Your sandcastle is never as you envisioned it to be, and your uneven lathering of sunblock has left you with an awesome burn. The Zoo: It never sounds like a bad idea, but just think about it. You’re paying $15 to look into a cage to stare at animals who are just staring back at you. Occasionally, one of them is doing something funny or cool, like scratching their butt then licking their finger, for like three seconds, but after that there’s really not much else to look at. Then you have the awkward situation of figuring out how long you have to stare at the animal (who still isn’t doing anything) before you can start slowly walking away with the people you’re with. Too long and people start to feel uncomfortable; too short and people think you’re in some sort of rush. And forget having lunch or getting drunk, unless you’re cool with spending your life savings at one of the restaurants. You can never win with a trip to the zoo. Ever. We’re not suggesting you become a recluse this summer, but it wouldn’t hurt. At least you won’t get your hopes up and end up being disappointed when things go wrong.

5.) Champaign County Jail: People usually make their best college friends in the dorms they live in freshman year. For you, this was not the case. Toothless Johnny and Herpes Hank made your weekend trips to the slammer more enjoyable each time. Head back home, take a picture with your pals, and make sure you ask how Officer Sharon’s kids are doing. 4.) The Corner of Green St. and Coler Ave. at 4 a.m.: Say goodbye to the days of youthful negligence and law breaking at the shady Urbana corner at whichyou consistently bought your pot. Have your drug dealer stand in on the picture too; just tell your parents he’s your weird, hippie lab partner. 3.) Library: Graduation pictures are typically sent out to friends and family for party invitations, so you want to make sure you’re giving off the best impression. Snap a pic in the UGL so it looks like you’ve been studious the past four years, even though the only thing you’ve been studying is which menu option at Fat Sandwich produces the largest shit. 2.) The Pennsylvania Avenue Cemeteries: The thing about graduation is that it opens a new chapter in your ever-exciting life. Take a picture in a place that shows you’re ready for the road ahead, no matter how gruesome and dreary it is. 1.) The Daily Illini Office: Regardless of your major, it’s always fun to tease people who you know will be tremendously less successful than you. Hold two thumbs in front of The DI staff and on three say, “LOL! Newspapers are a dying business!”

kitty kat wrote this

page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

Westboro Baptist Church Protests Radically Liberal, Questionably Gay Pomeranian’s Funeral Tex Mex wrote this Still running off of their purity-fueled high from picketing Boston bombing funerals due to God personally bestowing upon the city said bombs because of President Obama’s openness to gay marriage, the Westboro Baptist Church has recently focused their crusading attention on the Jackson family’s Pomeranian who was laid to rest last week after twelve and a half long years of providing the Jacksons with comfort and canine adoration. However, as the Church stated, these were 12 and a half long years of not fluffy teacup cuteness, but hyper-detrimental liberalism, sacrilegious ideals, and rampant homosexuality. “As soon as our secret suburban correspondents presented us with reports that this demon dog was sniffing the rears of other male dogs while on walks, all of us at the Church knew that this blatant, hyperhomosexualized push for a radical liberal agenda had to be stopped,” sputtered head pastor Fred Phelps. “Our agents also provided me with footage of the bastard creature profusely humping and attempting to fornicate with said male dogs—footage that I have since kept to myself for private reflection so I can remind myself daily of such a heinous crime against humanity." Outside of the Jackson’s modest two-story house in the backyard where the accusatorially gay Pomeranian was being buried, an entire cluster of protestors forced their numbers onto the family of four in order to overpower them. Armed with picket signs that could stop a bullet in its tracks, protestors boasted messages reading “God HATES Mutts,” “Thank God for Dead PomerGAYnians,” and “All Dogs DON’T Go to Heaven.” “We really don’t think Beanie meant any harm; he was such a sweetheart,” defended father Roy Jackson. “Sure, he would hop on his little hind legs and rub himself on our legs every once and a while, but that’s because we got him fixed as soon as we got him from the shelter. I

always thought it was kind of cute, the little dickens he was. I mean, if he was gay … he sure had us fooled!” When asked about Beanie’s left-wing political views, Mr. Jackson didn’t seem to understand how to answer the question. “I … I honestly haven’t the faintest idea. We can pull out his records and everything—I don’t think he’d have voting records or anything like that—but aside from telling you that he had his rabies shots and kept up with his stomach worm medication regularly, I suppose you could say that our dog was fairly … moderate?” Upon hearing this information, the Church’s Shirley Phelps-Roper exclaimed that the announcing of Beanie’s moderate political stance on social issues was “a likely story for a dog that obviously tried to hide his homosexuality from the general public.” In order to prove that the family—who she soon thereafter asserted were all also gay—was clearly attempting to protect whatever little dignity the "whore-of-a-dog" had to his name, Shirley Phelps carried out reconnaissance work outside of the protests by interviewing several other dogs in the neighborhood. “Obviously, dogs are naturally loyal beings, not to the Lord, of course. But they’ll hide their fellow species from committed murder if need be. Getting answers from these dogs was tough, but all of the information I gathered pretty much proved Beanie’s disgusting and sinful sexual preferences. Tiger, the Yorkshire Terrier from across the street, stretched his arms in signifying ‘yes’ when asked, ‘Has Beanie ever made morally inappropriate sexual advances upon you?’ Furthermore, when Duke, the Beagle from two blocks over, licked his genitals in a ‘Why, yes, absolutely!’ manner when asked, ‘Do you think Beanie’s rambunctiously homoerotic lifestyle was a byproduct of President Obama’s rejection of God and the constitutions of a normal, straight marriage?’”

While Shirley Phelps raced to the nearest Hobby Lobby for supplies in order to protest her new findings, the rest of the protestors began berating the Jacksons with ethnic slurs and threats to take “the holiest of all shits” upon Beanie’s shallow, shoebox grave. When the youngest Jackson daughter, age five, began tearing up, the protestors sympathized, with many admitting that they would also cry upon finding out that their childhood dog was a full-fledged homosexual. At this point, Mr. Jackson called the police where he was greeted with a groaned, “Ugh … not this shit again,” over the phone before the authorities arrived to break up the scene. With another victory under their belts and another step forward toward absolving Americans' sins one questionably gay liberal at a time, the Westboro Baptist Church plans on protesting the funeral of a heretic parrot whose alleged last words were, “SQWAAAAAAK, PRO-SAMESEX MARRIAGE.”

102 East Gregory

AT $300/MONTH! Locations on John, Gregory, West Oregon & Iowa Furnished Units Available • Pet Friendly • Laundry On-Site • Parking Passes Available Close to Campus and Nightlife • Located near MTD Bus Lines Office: 202 East Green Street | Champaign, IL | (217) 355-8300

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

EVERY DAY IN MAY: $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles $2.50 1800 Tequila

Sunday Night's Shows Cinco De Mayo Party with ZION I and SWORDS & THE STRUGGLE, CHASE BABY and D.WEBB

FRIDAY Happy Hour Food Specials Open at 5pm! $3 PIZZAS - $3 NACHOS $5 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans

SATURDAY! Saturday Sundown Series feat. Los Guapos, FREE!, 6:30pm DJ Wesjile/DJ Kow FREE! 10pm

WEDNESDAY 5/1

$0.15 Wings: 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs

OPEN DECKS Battle for the Summer Camp Music Festival $2 Red Bull Drinks No Cover!

Frattle of the DJs VICTORY LAP Frattle Winner: 8-LOK Spinning All Night!

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURSDAY 5/2

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands, $4 Domestic Pitchers

Klevah presents THE W8 with Bee.Kay and The Gr8 Thinkaz

$1 WELLS $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Everything Else in the House!

Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com $2 Domestics, $2 Wells

FRIDAY 5/3

$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

DAVID MAYFIELD PARADE

Happy Hour Food Specials Open at 5pm! $3 PIZZAS - $3 NACHOS $5 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans

Elsinore, $10, 10pm w/ Grandkids and Minor Characters

SATURDAY 5/4

$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers $7 Domestic Pitchers

U of I Rodeo Club presents MATT POSS and THE LEGEND OF LEVI MORGAN

$3 Captain Morgan $3 Jim Beam $5 Patron Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs

Saturday Sundown Series feat. Los Guapos, FREE!, 6:30pm DJ Wesjile/DJ Kow FREE! 10pm

SUNDAY 5/5

Closed

Cinco De Mayo Party with ZION I and SWORDS & THE STRUGGLE, CHASE BABY and D.WEBB

Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

MONDAY 5/6

MASON JAR MONDAY! Pub Quiz Starting at 9PM! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts, $3 Double Wells, $3 Double Jack and Double Soco

$2 Wells

The patio opens when weather permits! Food from our kitchen coming soon! Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

TUESDAY 5/7

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts, $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

PAPA ROACH with OTHERWISE and DEGRADE THE SIGNAL

Wine Night $8 Bottles of WIne $2 Goose island 312 Bottles $2 Wells

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

WEDNESDAY 5/8

$0.15 Wings: 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs

OPEN DECKS $2 Red Bull Drinks No Cover!

FINALS WEEK $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey $2 Pinnacle Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm $1 Slices from Manolos - No Cover!

W IN NO MOVE T A $200 GE AND CARD! GIFT

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The BarGrid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT WEDNESDAY 5/1

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street Firehaus is proud to be an Official Blackhawks Bar! Red Beer on Tap for Every Hawks Playoff Game! KARAOKE at 10PM! Win Prizes! $1 SHOTS, $2 UV Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Bud Mug Night! Get the Brand New 23oz Glass!

FRIDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s Open Mic Wednesdays, Special Night Come Play! $5.50 Jager Bombs Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $7.95 Fish Sandwich Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

FRIDAY! DJ Delayney @ 11pm $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID

DID YOU KNOW? Studying in the Beer Garden Increases Your Test Scores by One Letter Grade?

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Uno de Mayo Party! $2 Lime-a-ritas and Straw-be-ritas Celebrate Reading Day Eve at Joe's! Reading Day Plan: Jager Bombs, Gatorades and 1/2 Price Burgers in the Beer Garden with Your Review Group BULLS AT 7pm!

$3 Strong Islands

THURSDAY 5/2

$5 Lime-A-Rita PITCHERS! | Half Price Whiskey! | $2.50 Jack - $2.50 Jameson | HALF PRICE BURGERS 7:30-10pm | $3 Jager Bombs Bulls vs Nets - Game 6 at 7pm WIN CUBS TICKETS

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

FRIDAY 5/3

PLAYOFFS GAME 2! Hawks vs Wild 8:30pm Red Beer on Tap in Honor of the Hawks! $5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney @ 11pm $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID

Book your summer parties at Joe's 217-384-1790 Come enjoy the beer garden and watch THE HAWKS at 8:30!

SATURDAY 5/4

CINCO DE MAYO! $3 Sauza Tequila $5 Margaritas You Keep the Glass! $7 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the MLB, NHL and NBA Action at Guido's!

DJs and Dancing Spend your Saturday night at Highdive!

$6 Pitchers of Lunchbox $2 Jager Barrels 1/2 Price Burgers ALL Day

SUNDAY 5/5

PLAYOFFS - GAME 3 Blackhawks vs Wild 2pm $2 Anything in the House! Red Beer on Tap!

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

Sunday Funday! 25% Off Apps Check Out Joe's Bucket List! 5 for $11

MONDAY 5/6

$2 Bud Light Drafts, $2 Long Islands, $3 Craft/Import Beer

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

MNJ: $2 Blue Kamikazes $2 Bud Platinums

TUESDAY 5/7

BLACKHAWKS vs WILD 8:30pm - Red Beer on Tap $5 Red Bud Light Pitchers Half Price Sharkbowls $2.99 Cheeseburgers 4-9pm

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Tequila Tuesday! $2 Blue Moons Artist of the Week: One Hit wonders Hawks at 8:30!

WEDNESDAY 5/8

KARAOKE at 10PM! Win Prizes! $1 SHOTS, $2 UV Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Bud Mug Night! Get the Brand New 23oz Glass!

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Book your next party at Joe's! 217-384-1790

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

UV CHAMPAIGN LATE NIGHT SHUTTLE COMING FALL 2013!

2001 Moreland Blvd | (217) 344-8800 | uvchampaign.com

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

DOWNTOWN

KAM'S

FRIDAY & SATURDAY: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

SATURDAY! Kentucky Derby! Open at 3PM $3 All Bourbon Drinks $3 Rumplemintz and Goldschlager

BIG FRIDAY! $4.50 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

Second Drawing for Pub Club Winner this Wednesday @ 11pm!

SATURDAY: Red Lion Prom! We've Turned RL into your Prom! Photographer! Decorations! Live DJ! No Tickets To Buy... Just Come Party!

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Open at 3PM Bud Night & All Request DJ $1.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Bacardi Drinks

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots $3.50 Jager Bombs!

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 5/1

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Open at 3PM Reading Day Party! Bulls vs. Brooklyn 7PM $2 U Call Its All Day!

$7.00 Killians, Shocktop, Lienenkugel's, Third Shift $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.00 Magic Dragons No Cover!

SHACKER NIGHT! $2 UV Vodka, $2.50 Fireball Shots, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $3 Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey

THURS. 5/2

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pints $5.00 Skyy Vodka & Wild Turkey Doubles $3.50 Jager Bombs

Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnetts Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles

FRI. 5/3

$2.75 Murphy's Irish Stout $5.00 Magic Dragons & Jameson Doubles, $7.00 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pitchers

Red Lion Prom! We've Turned RL into your Prom! Photographer! Decorations! Live DJ! No Tickets To Buy... Just Come Party!

SAT. 5/4

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

BIG FRIDAY! $4.50 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

Kentucky Derby! Open at 3PM $3 All Bourbon Drinks Little Saturday... because BIG $3 Rumplemintz and FRIDAY kicked your Butt Goldschlager

Cinco de Mayo! $2 Tequila & $2 Coronas

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

$4.00 Double Long Islands $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers $2.00 Orachata Shots $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles

Book your next Event or Party at the Red Lion! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUN. 5/5

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

$2 U Call Its

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.25 All Imports

$5.50 Mega Cheeseburger $2.00 Blue Moon $4.00 Pinnacle Doubles Karaoke @ 10

Monday Night Lion $1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodka's $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

MON. 5/6

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Night! Mason Jar Drinks: $1.50 Jim Beam & Red Stag, $1.50 Lite Drafts Hawks at 8PM!

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

Country Night! $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers, $2 Jim Beam Mixers, Pinnacle Vodka Shots, $2 16oz PBR/ Schlitz/ Old Style - Tall Boys

HALF PRICE WHISKEY NIGHT $2.50 UV Bombs

TUES. 5/7

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Open at 3PM Bud Night & All Request DJ $1.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Bacardi Drinks

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots $3.50 Jager Bombs!

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 5/8

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Open at 3PM Party w/ DJ Dash Cheer on the Hawks at 8! $2.50 Captain Drinks $3 24oz Cans

Meme Glass Night!

[PartyPics]

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

page 16

bartenders of the week Bartender nickname: Lady Sturge

theblacksheeponline.com

Favorite drink: Maker’s Mark with a side of Jameson.

Favorite drink: Anything with vodka.

Relationship status: Come and get me.

Relationship status: Single Describe yourself in 3 words: Beauty, brains, brawn.

What you want for your birthday: A big booty ho. Dream spouse: Liam Neeson

Quality you look for in a girlfriend: Flexibility— morally and physically.

Biggest fear: Being taken Craziest place you’ve had sex: 50-yard line at Memorial Stadium.

Biggest turn-on: Big tippers Biggest turn-off: Gingers

Alyssa

Murphy's pub

Pick up line you use: “Hey, you look like I need a drink.” Words you live by: “You only YOLO once.”

Super power you want: X-ray vision.

Xander

White Horse Inn

Where you see yourself in 10 years: Prison or still being hunted by the FBI. Words you live by: “Drink ‘til it stops hurting.”

the drinking game:

recipe for disaster:

Golf isn’t just for dudes with saggy balls, it’s for anyone who wants to get schwasted and wear a polo. Take a trip to the golf course on a hot summer day and get ready to do a bit of boozin’. Just don’t be the girl who gets a DUI on a golf cart.

Summertime is approaching fast, filled with country concerts, road trips and latenight bonfires. S’mores are the traditional staple in summer snacks, but you’re a big kid now with a huge stomach to fill. Here’s a more chocolaty, more mallow-ey way to cure your craving.

What You’ll Need: Hard booze and beer—whatever is easiest for you to sneak in. Number of Players: At least two. Level of Intoxication: Tiger Woods when word of his affairs came out.

What You’ll Need: 5 graham crackers, 8 extra large marshmallows (or a ton of regular-sized ones), 4 bars of chocolate, a jar of Nutella, a jar of marshmallow fluff, and half a jar of peanut butter. Cook Time: 5-10 minutes Fatty Factor: Remember Ham from The Sandlot? Yeah, you’re on that level.

Drunken Golf

Steroid S’mores

How To Play - Take a shot for every lost ball. - Take your pick between a shot or shotgunned beer every time your ball goes in a sand bunker. - Take a swig of beer every time your ball lands in the rough. - Take two shots whenever someone lies about their score. Charge them with a stroke too. - If you make par or better, give out a shotgun. - For every shot over par, chug a beer for 3 seconds. - Whoever loses drinks seconds for the amount of strokes they lost by.

Let’s Get Baked: - Lay out your five graham crackers, but don’t break any of them in half. Set one aside to be the top of your s’more sandwich. - Mix the Nutella, marshmallow fluff and peanut butter together in a bowl. - Spread the deliciously rich mixture evenly over each cracker. - Place a bar of chocolate on each covered graham cracker. - Roast the 8 marshmallows in any way you choose (lighter, stove, bonfire), but we cannot be held responsible for any fires you cause due to your stupidity. Make sure they’re nice and gooey. - Put two marshmallows on each cracker. - Layer each graham cracker one-by-one and place the empty one on top. - NOM NOM NOM!

The Game Ends When: You can no longer hit the ball off the tee without falling on your face.

It’s a little messier, sure. But then that means there’s a lot more you can lick off your hands. Sweet!

download our app for all of our drinking games!

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page 17

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booze of the week Booze Review: Captain Morgan Parrot Bay Pineapple Rum | grade: a Overview: We all know traditional Captain Morgan is amazing. And like King Midas, anything this liquor line touches turns to gold, pure alcoholic gold, like this pineapple Parrot Bay, the perfect summer drink. History: Many people only know Captain Morgan as the pillaging, plundering pirate that he was; he kept his personal life very quiet. Only his closest friends knew of his undying love for Loretta Caw, a beautiful woman Morgan met on one of his many trips to the Caribbean. The Captain was absolutely floored by her and wanted nothing else in the world but to please her in every way possible. Loretta was also in love with the Captain as well. She admired every aspect of his lifestyle—especially his hugely successful rum company. But she could not drink the rum; besides being a lightweight, Loretta just couldn’t handle the taste of regular rum. Every time the two lovers shared a drink, Loretta had to douse hers in different fruit juices to mask the taste, but was still disgusted by the flavor left in her mouth. Captain Morgan hated putting his sweetheart through this pain and wanted a way to get her drunk without hassle. After much thinking, Captain Morgan decided to draw inspiration from

their Caribbean surroundings and Loretta’s love for coconuts, pineapple and passion fruit. For her, he created an entire line of rum for his company called Parrot Bay—where Loretta’s small home was located—that featured flavors he knew she would enjoy. And boy, did she ever. Loretta had a drink with the Captain every night, and their love life improved dramatically from the alcohol-induced horniness. Typical Drinkers: Women who need sexual encouragement, college girls on spring break, Carnival Cruise staff members when their ship lost power, and older men who have yet to come to terms with their sexuality. User Comments: “Sweeter than sex with a newly 18-year-old.” “Did you know pineapple juice makes your vagina taste better?” “Aww, what a cute little bottle!” “Tastes like vacation and sunburn.” Conclusion: I mean, why wouldn’t this be good? It’s pineapple, it’s Captain Morgan, it’s a sweet rum-gasm on your tongue.

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The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part XII - The Finale Benny Boy wrote this Last time on The Blackout and the Beautiful: After receiving an ominous text from Jerry, Allie decided to head over to his place to clear things up for their relationship. Once inside, however, she walked in on Jerry making sweet love to her mother in the shower. All of this leading to the exciting conclusion of The Blackout and the Beautiful!

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What's the first thing you're going to do after your last final? “Give my girlfriend a big kiss on the cheek.” - Hugh B., Senior

Jerry motorboated Mrs. Jenning’s breasts without a care in the world. As long as his face was buried deep within her sweater puppies, nothing could go wrong. However, Jerry soon realized that he was not hearing the usual euphoric moaning from Mrs. Jennings, so he looked up to see what was wrong. Jerry saw Mrs. Jennings with a thousand yard stare, her face drained of all blood. She looked like she had seen a ghost. “Mrs. Jennings,” Jerry said in a curious manner, trying to shake the woman from her trance, “What’s wrong, babe?” After saying these words he heard someone behind him breathing heavier and heavier, as if they were about to fly into a blind rage. Jerry turned around to see what the source of the sound was, only to see a fully naked Allie, staring wildly at her wet and naked mother. A moment went by that seemed like an eternity. Mrs. Jennings soon opened her mouth to speak when she was interrupted by Allie. “Bitch, do not speak. You took my man, now I’m gonna take your fucking life!” Allie yelled as she grabbed a bath towel, jumped naked into the shower, and began strangling her mother. Mrs. Jennings countered by elbowing Allie repeatedly in the face, but Allie held on to the towel firm and true. “Ladies, please sto —” Jerry attempted to say until he was interrupted by Allie. “Shut up, little man. Or I’ll be taking care of two little girls today.” The brawl continued in the tub until it eventually spilled out into the living room. The two naked women fought each other until they were covered in sweat. Jerry watched horrified. However, despite the danger of the situation, he couldn’t help but feel a little aroused. Just then there was a loud bang at the door and in walked Mr. Jennings. “Honey, the jig is up. I caught you, now come out and we’ll talk abou —” Mr. Jennings was cut short when he saw the scene in front of him.

There was his wife and daughter, sweaty and naked, lying beneath a fully erect Jerry. “I see what’s going on here. All right, boy. We can have it your way. Let’s settle this with a gangbang.” “Are... are you serious?” “No, I’m not serious you sick fucking pervert. I’m going to kill you,” Mr. Jennings yelled as he removed a nine millimeter from his boot and pointed it at Jerry’s manhood. At the sight of this, both Mrs. Jennings and Allie jumped in front of Jerry. “No! Anything but that!” the two said together. The two women then looked angrily at each other, then instantly realized the ridiculousness of their anger. With all she could muster, Mrs. Jennings apologized to Allie. “Allie, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I put my mouth on Jerry’s beef, and I’m especially sorry that I lied to you. I just got tied up in this silly little fantasy of mine. I realized, though, that there is nothing I want more than to see my daughter happy.” After considering the words of her mother, Allie eventually spoke. “Over these past couple weeks, I think I learned a valuable lesson in trust. I should never have doubted you, Jerry. Even though you were having

sex with my mom,” Allie said, as Jerry and her shared a smile. “I think I’m really to blame for all this,” Kevin said as he crawled out from behind the couch where he had been hiding the entire time. “My jealousy over your relationship was really the catalyst for all of these events. I can see now, though, that you two are really in love. And by the way, you have a tremendous rack, Mrs. Jennings!” Mrs. Jennings blushed at his words. “Well I guess that just about wraps everything up!” Jerry said. “But before we do that, I just want to say something about family, and about how much I now appreciate the one I have in this room.” “And one that is about to get one bigger,” Allie said. Jerry looked at her astonished. “That’s right. Jerry, I’m pregnant.” At these words, everybody cheered. Even Mr. Jennings shed a small tear. Everyone, that is, except for Mrs. Jennings. “What’s wrong?” Jerry asked her. “Jerry. I’m pregnant too.” What will happen next? Find out in a couple months if The Blackout and the Beautiful is picked up for another season!

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continued from the cover For many days the four companions traveled through the mysterious swamps underneath Mexico. Along the way, Kiwi the gnome shared the stories of old to Vicente, including the Prophecy of Elders. Although the Prophecy of Elders is a difficult document to transcribe word for word, here it is as Kiwi told it to Vicente, in the closest translation possible: “For many years there will be no Pain in the land of Mexico. But from across the sea there shall appear, French wizard serpents who will bring great fear, And shoot lightning out of their [anuses]. But from the ashes shall arise, A king who shall bring their demise. In Tijuana on that fateful night, Vicente waits to train and fight.” After learning the prophecy and his destiny, Vicente knew this was what he had been dreaming about all along. He told the three gnomes that he was ready to do whatever it took to fight the evil serpents and free Mexico from their wrath. “Although the road ahead may bring you pain, the time has come, my boy, to train,” Tonto explained. Yuri continued, “We will teach you every spell we know. There’s little time! We’re off! Let’s go!” For what seemed like years, Vicente paid great attention to the three gnomes, only stopping for naps and bathroom breaks like any five-year-old boy would. He learned how to duel with the evil French serpents and found out that their greatest weakness was a perfectly toasted baguette. The gnomes guaranteed that they would have many loaves of this bread present for Vicente to hurl at the flaming beasts.

One evening, after his training had finished, Kiwi spoke firmly to Vicente, “We have taught you all that we know. It is now our time to go.” Before Vicente could object, the three gnomes sunk into the deep swamp waters of the underground and disappeared. Scared but determined to save his country, Vicente began to venture his way out to the mainland of Mexico. He found the secret tree the gnomes had shown him that would lead him straight to the middle of Tijuana. He climbed until he was back in Mexico. Vicente emerged from the Mexican soil into the city of Tijuana, which was trashed and burnt to bits from the rampage of the French serpents. Off in the distance Vicente could see the serpents’ tails and smoke rings floating up in the sky. He ran as fast as his little legs could carry him until he caught up with the serpents. Like magic, a huge trunk appeared filled with buttery, crispy baguettes. Vicente took a few out of the container and yelled, “Hey! You beasts! Leave my country alone!” Vicente hurled the baguettes at the serpent wizards, hoping to distract them with the delicious smell and taste. And somehow, it worked. The monsters collapsed to the ground and began arguing over how many each one of them should have. While they bickered, Vicente worked his magic and sent evil spells out towards the wizards. Some simply inflicted pain on the affronts to god, making them contort their bodies in impossible configurations. Other spells simply confused the wizards, making them completely forget why the Hell they wanted to go to Mexico in the first place. For the grand finale, Vicente used his favorite lesson from the gnomes. One by one, Vicente grabbed each wizard’s flame-throwing penis and crushed it with his forehead.

“Sacrebleu!” the final serpent yelled, and died. Tijuana citizens slowly ventured out of their tattered homes to see the small, five-year-old boy standing triumphantly on top of the dead French bodies. People began cheering and running toward him when they realized what he had done. Vicente smiled and began to weep when he noticed his parents were amongst the crowd and completely unharmed. “This boy! He has saved us all! He has saved Mexico!” a man in the crowd cried. “He must be king! In what other way could we award him?” someone else shouted.

“How about a national holiday too? One that consists of guacamole and a lot of drinking?” Cheers erupted in favor of the idea. “Let’s call it Cinco de Mayo!” “Yeah!” “Wait why?” “I don’t know!” “Fuck it; let’s get drunk!” And that, we are pretty sure, is the true story of Cinco de Mayo.

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t f e l N i x r e G u m i d m e u S Between sweating the day away at your cousin’s lawn care “business,” avoiding pregnant high school friends, and suffering through sit-down dinners with your parents, you’re going to be pretty atrociously bored this summer. You have to read books all year, so reading isn’t even an option. TV, however, is always there for you, and being up to date on current shows, and fluent in important shows of lore, is vital in today’s culture. You don’t want to get into a conversation about Freaks and Geeks and not know that many of the actors crossed over into similarly-fated Undeclared, which was also created by Judd Apatow. So, we order you to watch 2.5 hours of Netflix a day, focusing on the following shows, or else be left behind in any relevant TV conversation happening this fall.

Arrested Development

Number of Season on Netflix: 3 (Season 4 premiering May 26) Episode Length: 22 minutes Total Time Commitment: May 13th - May 24th, 25 hours Why You Should Watch: Settle down with an ice cream sandwich and a j.u.i.c.e box to knock this one out, even if it’s for the second, third, or fifteenth time -- it’s a clear-cut situation with the promise of comedy. Since the c-words at Fox cancelled the show, DVDs have flown off the shelves faster than Caged Wisdom. We would be a bunch of S.O.Bs if we didn’t suggest rewatching all the episodes with a few mayoneggs before the new season premiers. If you only recognized one joke in this whole paragraph, you need to go back and watch all the seasons again, lest you be lost when the series re-emerges on May 26th. It will be jam-packed with circular references from the past seasons, so unless you already knew that Tobias is an albino black man or what Cloudmir vodka is, you should definitely go back and prep yourself.

Breaking bad

Number of Season on NetFlix: 4 Episode Length: 47 minutes Total Time Commitment: May 27th - June 13th, 34 hours Why You Should Watch: Like The Wire and The Sopranos before it, every half generation a new show will stake a claim as the greatest TV drama of all time. You may have missed Jordan in his prime, so thank god this G.O.A.T. can be queued up on demand. There are things in life that are “important” in lower-case, like paying your mom back for that DUI or washing your testicles, then there are capital letter “Important” things like holding your newborn for the first time or being up-to-date on important pop culture moments. Breaking Bad sees Walter White's cancer-martyr character drive the narrative forward as he gradually transforms into drug kingpin Heisenberg, while his ever-sexy literal partner in crime, Jesse, drives the show’s emotions. One you love to hate, the other you hate to love. Drama! Emotions! Explosions! This is Hollywood. Er, New Mexico!

sherlock

Parks and recreation

Number of Season on NetFlix: 4 Episode Length: 22 minutes Total Time Commitment: June 14th June 27th, 25 hours Why You Should Watch: After coming down from thoughts like “I could totally drop out of school and sell meth, it looks pretty easy!” it’ll be good to delve back into a world of a clean-cut government in a polite small town. They’re just wrapping up season five now, and the show is already regarded as the next The Office in terms of quirky, character-driven Thursday night comedies. It’d be a good idea to go back and watch the series from the start, because not being able to recall the awkwardly endearing-yet-hilarious courtship of Andy and April would be like not knowing how the drawn out, awkwardly-painful and frustrating courtship of Jim and Pam went down. If you’re already well-versed in P&R, now that Jerry retired it’ll be fun to go back and laugh at how big of a FAT IDIOT he is (RIP DJ Roomba)!

Number of Season on NetFlix: 2 Episode Length: 90 minutes Total Time Commitment: June 28th - July 3rd, 9 hours Why You Should Watch: Sure, it’s a great show worthy of anyone’s time, and at a scant 9 hours it’s easy to plow through in a few days. Still, this show must be watched because it stars two of the world’s up-and-coming actors. Sherlock is played by Benedict Cumberbatch’s cheekbones, the main antagonists in this summer’s Star Trek Into Darkness, a role overshadowed only by his brilliant hair. Martin Freeman, Holmes, has already pocketed a hefty paycheck as Bilbo Baggins in the Hobbit trilogy. From here they’re both set to make buku pounds on the big screen. Soon the only mystery either will be solving is if they’d be interested in paying the extra 500 quid to go from the deluxe hooker to the super-deluxe hooker.

house of cards

Number of Season on NetFlix: 1 Episode Length: 46-56 minutes Total Time Commitment: July 4th - July 9th, 11.5 hours Why You Should Watch: Ring in our country’s independence by going from a show about jolly Brits to good ole’ American manipulation. House of Cards is a good show that’s more groundbreaking for its delivery method than for the action onscreen; mentioning House of Cards is how one Netflix subscriber finds another Netflix subscriber at sad, underwhelming house parties. You love sad, underwhelming house parties! This Washington D.C. political thriller features good acting from Robin Wright and Kate Mara, and hammy but enjoyable acting from lead man Kevin Spacey. After wrapping up this series you’ll be doing silly aside tirades to the imaginary fourthwall audience about how corrupt those fat cats in Washington really are.

bob's burgers

Number of Season on NetFlix: 1 Episode Length: 23 minutes Total Time Commitment: July 19th - July 22nd, 5 hours Why You Should Watch: A fairly new comedy, Bob’s Burgers tends to get buried in whatever shows Fox allows Seth MacFarlane to rampantly shit out at will. It’s smart, sweet, and quite possibly the closest thing to classic Simpsons you’ll get. Instead of basing jokes in habitual line-crossing and random tangents, the humor is derived from situations and dialogue. Not only that, but the showrunners post discarded jokes and writing room insights on a Bob’s Burgers tumblr, taking their dedicated fans to an even deeper admiration for the show. When Bob’s Burgers is hobbling along in its 24th season, you’ll want to say you were with it from day one, just like your fat, Duff root beer-drinking, basement-dwelling uncle says about The Simpsons.

freaks and geeks/&undeclared

Number of Season on NetFlix: 1 each Episode Length: Freaks and Geeks 44 minutes, Undeclared 22 minutes Total Time Commitment: July 10th - July 18th, 19.5 hours Why You Should Watch: Freaks and Geeks shines a season-long spotlight on life in high school, while Undeclared tackles one’s freshman year in college. Both are endearing, funny, heartwarming, sad, but most of all, comparatively realistic. Because this summer you’re playing the role of shut-in in the movie that is your life, you’ll need someone -- nay, something -- to commiserate with in describing antics of your life gone by. In these shows nerds hang out with other nerds, not hot blonde pieces of ass. The bad kids do bad kid stuff and don’t understand that their bad actions have consequences. Freshmen cheat with their long-distance significant others then try to hide it even though goddammit Trina, you said we’d be together forever and I bought you a promise ring and everything, and this is how you repay me? This summer, sweet warming glow of my beloved laptop screen, you’ll be the only friend I ever need...

Battlestar Galactica

Number of Season on NetFlix: 4 Episode Length: 44 minutes Total Time Commitment: July 23rd - August 21nd, 58 hours Why You Should Watch: Largely, this list exists to catch you up with the rest of society, so you stop looking like a fool in casual conversation. Battlestar Galactica makes this list to give you an ace in the hole of your own. BSG isn’t watched by a lot of potential viewers who shrug it off as little more than rote sci-fi with robots and spaceships and lightspeed. For those who love robots and spaceships and lightspeed, it has all that, but under its thin veil of nerddom exists a compelling drama that asks a simple question: “How would humanity react when on the run from its own extinction?” Plus, when Alistair McFancyshoes tries to drop the hammer on you with, “I find it adorable that you still enjoy suntroopers shooting aliens with their phasers!” at a late-summer dinner party, you can counter with, “No Alistair, in the Battlestar Galactica universe mankind still uses kinetic weapons, and in space they follow the same basic laws of physics that we understand today.” After that, just wait for the sex to roll in.

Adventure time

Number of Season on NetFlix: 1 Episode Length: 11 minutes Total Time Commitment: August 22nd - August 23rd, 5 hours Why You Should Watch: By the end of the summer you’ll have important things to worry about, like packing, what bar to go to first when you get back, and avoiding the high schooler you impregnated for just a few more weeks. Adventure Time, therefore, is the perfect solution to wean you off of Netflix’s teet with short, light episodes that are geared towards children and spaced-out stoners alike. You grew up screaming “SpongeBob SquarePants!” while some lazy guy puffed a spliff on a Sunday afternoon. Now the tables have turned, and at this summer’s late-August family reunion you can commiserate with the youth, wisely noting that you too think the Ice King “is a total poopy pants.”

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Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Your Epic Summer Best Friend: - Emma Stone - Joseph Gordon-Levitt - Rebel Wilson - Jason Segel

Location: - Seaside Heights, NJ - Outer Banks, NC - Maui, HI - East Hampton, NY

Big Adventure: - Highjacking a yacht - Romance with a Chechen - Music festival hopping - Going vegan

Enemy: - Roseanne Barr - Justin Bieber - Anne Hathaway - Chris Brown

Job: - Ice cream truck driver - Water aerobics instructor - Karaoke host - Nail technician

Mistake: - Tattooing a rabbit on calf - Drinking "the kool-aid" - Buying too many crop-tops - Hanging out with R. Kelly

Pet: - Spider monkey - Corgi - Fawn - Baby Agouti

Pay: - Dozens of cookies - Grams of cocaine - Fifths of gin - Pounds of gum

Highlight: - Won chili cook-off - Saved a drowning kid - Tamed a lion - Lost virginity

How to play

Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.