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Issue 15
Clever Professor Jokes that “Winter is Coming” Claims to Connect Better With Students KT wrote this After the first taste of the bitterly cold and agonizingly long winter that is to come, students at U of I have been running on fumes, and are already showing up at class with the glazed look in their eyes as if they had smoked for 40 hours straight – a practice usually saved for finals week. One clever and semi-culturally relevant physics professor, Michael Dixon, sought to break the zombie-like trance his students had been in by using one of his limited pop culture references stored in his arsenal. “Don’t forget your exam next week and be sure to bundle up,” Professor Dixon snickered at the end of his Monday, 8 a.m. Physics 101 class. “...Winter is coming.” A few students chuckled at the Game of Thrones reference as they packed up their bags. Dixon, however, took this as a sign that he was “in” with the younger generation now. “I’ve never even seen Game of Thrones, but I’ve just heard the reference and knew it was from some popular show about dragons and incest,” stated Professor Dixon as he scrolled through the /r/ AdviceAnimals subreddit. “I’m just glad I could make a few of my students chuckle. I feel like that line is a hit!” The next day in class, Dixon reportedly said,
“winter is coming” 17 times during lecture, even in situations where it made no sense. “Alright so the formula for velocity is total distance traveled over total time taken, does anyone know why?” Professor Dixon questioned during class. “No one? Alright, well it’s because WINTER IS COMING.” After no students laughed or made so much as an awkward sigh, Dixon was visibly distraught. While the class was working on an assignment, Dixon reportedly pulled up ratemyprofessor. com and saw students had already started posting about his overuse of the joke. After reading one that stated, “Professor Dixon sucks Khaleesi’s dragon’s ballz. Get better jokez old man,” the out-of-touch professor researched other pop culture references having to do with winter. The next time class met, Dixon shook with excitement over the next winter-themed pop culture joke he was going to make. As he started lecture, Professor Dixon told his students that there would be no homework assigned for Thanksgiving break, to the tune of the popular Mariah Carey song “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” “I don’t know much about physics, but there is just one thing I need, I don’t care
about my grades for PHYS 101 at UIUC,” Dixon serenaded the class, standing on desks. “All I want for Christmas is a break from YOUUUUU, baby!” As he finished the last part of the song, disco balls and strobe lights reportedly started to going off in the classroom, and
Dixon ripped off his suit to reveal a skimpy Santa Claus outfit much like the one Mariah wears in the music video. Students started fleeing out of the classroom in utter shock, disgust, and confusion by the aged reference as he continued to gyrate himself on a metal candy cane.
“I hope you all enjoyed my little Thanksgiving treat, and remember how hip good old Professor Dixon is!” he called out to students amidst the frenzy of everyone trying to leave at the same time. “Remember one last thing, winter is coming!”
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UGLY SWEATERS FOR OTHER RELIGIONS
TOP 10: WAYS TO STAY WARM IN CHAMPAIGN-URBANA
A GUIDE TO MAINTAINING YOUR SANITY IN THE CHIPOTLE LINE
ALWAYS BRING A FLASK. ALWAYS.
BRINGING A PUPPY MAY BE A GOOD IDEA.
UGLINESS KNOWS NO BOUND, NO MATTER WHAT HOLIDAY YOU CELEBRATE.
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THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear Tex Mex,
leave me with no choice this time.
God dammit, I got my hand stuck in the sink drain again. It’s really in there, man. Like, fist-deep this time. I’ve got class in an hour, and I really can’t afford to miss any more discussions since I’m currently on my “Sorry for Skipping Every Class Prior to Fall Break” apology tour. Roommate used up the last of our butter spread, so I really need your help on this one, bud.
Hey, everybody, look at how stupid Kevin is.
Sincerely, Kevin Dear Kevin, You stupid, stupid sonofabitch. How the hell did you manage to get your hand stuck in the drain again? Like, I normally don’t publish your S.O.S letters when this sort of thing happens, but you really
Cool, glad I got that out. Alright, so, no butter spread this time around, huh? Well, funny, because I Can’t Believe It’s Not the First Time I’m Helping You with This Bullshit. Look, since you’re fist-deep in this time, the rotating method won’t work as well as last time. If your movement is honestly as stunted as it is right now, give dishwashing liquid a shot and apply it to your clogged hand. DON’T run water over it, however, because suds aren’t going to do you any favors right now. The last thing you want to do right now is use plain water as a hand lubricant, so try to maneuver the pouring of the
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dishwashing liquid in a manner that fits snuggly into the creases that your hand fits most uncomfortably in. From here, try to work the liquid into the grooves of the drain and gyrate your hand so it presses the substance further into the divots. Now, like a screw, try to slide your hand out in a circular but upward motion in whatever direction clicks first. It should come out, but if all else fails, you might have to have your roomie run over to the Illini Arcade to pick up some legitimate lube. Any type will do fine, but try to adequately convey why you need him to do this before more questions than answers arise. What were you even grabbing for anyway? Seriously, dude, you have to stop. Good luck, Tex Mex
THE FIGHTING ILLINI PAGE 5 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Four Classes That U of I Should Start Offering to Get Better Athletes Riggity wrote this It was recently released that at the University of North Carolina, the Department of Afro-American Studies had fake “paper classes” in order to keep their athletes in good academic standing, allowing the athletes to keep playing sports. Both academically disgusted and wildly impressed, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of classes and course descriptions that the University of Illinois should start offering in order to get better athletes to join their sports programs. Advanced Composition 563 – 5 Credit Hours: In this course, you will learn how to expertly craft an essay. You will be required to write a 57word paper by the end of the term. Attendance is not required, but we will be using every single class period to write. You are required to turn in a minimum of 4 words per week. That’s one word per class period while still taking Fridays off. You can write your paper on whatever topic you like, and it is only graded for word count. There will not be any emphasis on grammar or even sentence structure. The one restriction is that you can’t copy and paste song lyrics from the Internet to achieve the 57-word count. There’s a rigorous system set up to check for violators of this rule. Remember, 57 words – no more, no less. Culinary Expedition of Cultural Relations 203 – 3 Credit Hours: Do you eat meals throughout the day? Do you find yourself eating lunch every now and then? Grab a meal with someone of culture at least once a week. Get a piece of paper signed by someone from the dining hall, a waiter/waitress, a friend, or a stranger that says you ate a meal next to them. You don’t even have to tell them what they’re signing! We just
want a signature on a piece of paper once a week, as long as it’s not yours! We accept all late work, and we understand if you can’t meet the one-signature-a-week requirement. You’re probably busy, after all. Studies Behind the Modern Insomniac 244 – 3 Credit Hours: In this course, we will explore the mystery that is the human sleep cycle. REM sleep? Circadian rhythm? These are terms you will be taught by the end of the course. You will know how to fall into a deep, deep sleep. Just come to this class when you’re feeling a little exhausted, and our “doctor” that is instructing the class will write you a note to get you out of practice. Our athletes need some rest too, right? Attendance is not mandatory. Your final exam will be two hours long (at a time of the day set up by you and your instructor) where your instructor comes to your house and observes your sleeping cycle as part of a highly important case study. If you fall asleep, you get an A+. If you stay awake, you just get an A. Critical Thinking and Expert Analysis 310 – 5 Credit Hours: In this course, you will learn how to look at someone and analyze what they’re probably like. We will spend each class period picking students to come up to the front of the room while the rest of the class makes assumptions about them. The girl wearing UGGs and a black North Face in the front row? Probably a bitch, and you can let her know that! The guy eating food in the back of the class because he was in too big of a hurry to eat before? He was probably dropped on his head as a baby and his parents don’t love him or something. True or not, these are all
things you can yell at the person in front of the class! The final for this exam is making one post on Yik Yak calling out someone who is doing something that you think is stupid. The more critical and harsh you can be of someone, the better. On behalf of our prospective and current athletes, The Black Sheep staff sincerely hopes that these classes are recognized by various departments within the university soon, because if ATMS 120 ain’t working for them… then nothing is.
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HOLIDAY TRADITIONS
Ugly Sweaters for Other Religions (Winter 2014 Catalog) The Gonz wrote this Concerned you might be invited to an ugly Christmas sweater party but, as a Jesushater, haven’t suffered receiving one of grandma’s handmade horrors? Jealous of the ugly, scratchy, moth-ball stench that all your Heaven-bound friends enjoy? Lucky for you, The Black Sheep has exclusive ugly sweaters for every religion, so don’t worry! Attend every ugly sweater party on your block in style with a variety of options to suit every personality. All styles come in a choice of size and color. Shipping and handling not included. Judaism: The ugly sweater and yarmulke combination. The Hanukkah blue sweater will thrill this season with LED menorah lights, embroidered dreidels, and for those going for a more Hasidic vibe, a shtreimel for to complete the look. The matching yarmulke adds a touch of class with nine real candles. Grow out those payots and you’ll be sure to stun this holiday season! Kwanzaa: You’re a trendsetter. You don’t
confuse ethnic festivals with religious celebrations. You deserve a red, black, and green patterned short-sleeved button-up with embroidered kinara. Your catchphrase is “No, it’s not the black people version of Hanukkah, don’t worry.” Muslim: An ugly hijab is your friend this winter! You’ll be nice and cozy with a wool veil adorned with crocheted Islamic crescents and absolutely zero depictions of Muhammad, praise be unto him. This sweater is the perfect ratio of itchy to fashionable, and everyone will be jealous of how warm your head is this holiday season. Just don’t let it fall off in public, ladies! Sikh: An ugly turban will turn heads this holiday season! The tinsel turban is the perfect blend of shiny and modest, combined with an exclusive glow-in-thedark lace and flashing party lights, your head will be the best dressed at the party. “Not a Muslim” cross-stitching option available for additional cost.
Scientologist: Our designers created the ultimate sweater for the avid scientologist this season, showing the entire history of Xenu, from 75 million years ago to today. The story is so long that this style is only available in XXL, and the designers who created them have mysteriously disappeared. Each order comes shipped with a sealed DVD copy of Battlefield Earth. Only one left in stock! Buddhist: Desire for material possessions is discouraged. Seek pleasure beneath the threads, not along them. Exclusive second-hand Nirvana t-shirts from a local Goodwill will be available at a discount rate! Hindu: An ugly sweater depicting lord Krishna and lord Vishnu come in exquisite embroidery. Scenes from the Kama Sutra in cross-stitch ensure you’ll be the life of the party and will never go home alone! Be careful, though, because your partner may expect much more out of you after reading the stitching across your back.
Satanist: Black is the new black! This is a black sweater covered in blood with embroidered upside-down crosses and flashing red LED lights. Variations are also available: a regular Christmas sweater with mustaches sharpied on baby Jesus, a sweater featuring Mary Magdalene getting her heart ripped out by a misguided phoenix, and a sweater of the Holy Trinity (highly flammable). Atheist: No sweater available at the moment; however, if you purchase any other sweater, you’ll receive a complimentary superiority complex
and a signed photo of Carl Sagan. Also available: see “Satanist” options above. If anything in this season’s catalog is triggering the ol’ “Halloween-tier offensiveness” siren in your head, remember that a $10 sweater featuring a cartoon polar bear from Walmart may work just the same. After all, ugly Christmas sweater parties have about as much to do with Christianity as an anthropomorphic rabbit hiding eggs for children, so bending the rules of your own religious denomination shouldn’t be too much to ask for, right?
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1,400 Bodies Found in Main Stacks During Final Weeks of Semester Jupiter Stevens wrote this
“Rub Lincoln’s nose”: No, not that little creepy statue in Lincoln Hall, you idiot. Your penis’ name is Lincoln. Everyone knows your balls are the warmest part of your body, so keep your hands where they won’t get frostbite and just act casual. No one will think it’s weird if you act like no one will think it’s weird. It’s simple psychology, really.
The famous feature of the University of Illinois’ Main Library has been the scene of many mass death tolls in the years past as well, according to librarian Martha Schilling.
Earlier this week, the university reported that over 1,400 students were found laying between the shelves of books in different areas of the library. One spokesperson for the school said the numbers are
Jupiter Stevens wrote this
So you’re a little cold, huh? Well, it’s Illinois in December, bud, not you grandparents’ cottage in Pensacola. You’re the one who signed up for this. But if you’re really going to keep complaining about it, here are some ways to keep your weak ass warm getting to your last couple of classes this semester:
URBANA – Campus Police are reporting the continuous discovery of students laying unconscious in different portions of the Main Stacks this week.
“It’s always the same causes of death: exhaustion, lack of food, water, or sunlight, not having slept in 72 hours,” Schilling said, listing off reasons on her fingers. “Some of them never even had a life to begin with.”
Four Ways to Get to Class Without Freezing Your Ass Off
Fart for 15 consecutive minutes: You’ll need to start preparing the night before – not studying, getting ready to brave the cold. Eat the nastiest foods you can find and in the morning you’ll be able to keep a little eternal flame of your own going all the way to your biology lecture.
continuing to rise as the semester nears its close. “It’s nearly every morning I wake up to a phone call telling me they found another one smashed between the moving shelves,” the spokesperson said candidly. “I mean, it’s not that hard. You just hit the red emergency buttons and the shelves will stop moving. Or you can just lay sideways. Maybe you could even take a nap while you wait for someone to let you out.”
Schilling said she’s even seen students fighting over the last study room, refusing to share the table out of fear of being in close contact with another human being while trying to study for final exams. “There’s really nothing healthy about it, but what else are these kids going to school for if they’re not truly giving it their all?” Schilling said. “It’s madness, yes. But so is the real world.”
Put your hands in a stranger’s pockets: At this point... whatever. It’s below 10 degrees with the wind-chill and you’re not looking to shack up – they’ll understand. Just sneak up behind someone on the Quad and stick your hands in their pockets from behind. Sure, they might get startled at first, but when they realize the benefits it’s guaranteed they’ll put up with the awkward duck-walk to class. Buy 6 toasted Footlongs and shove them in your pants: You’re going to want the meatball sub. It’s a bit messy, yes, but when it comes down to it, you can spread the hot, hot sauce across an incredible amount of skin and you’ll then be able to just hold the meatballs in your hands. You might be a little messy, smelly, bruised up, or internally damaged, but you’ll get to class on time. This is the real price you pay for going to the University of Illinois.
NOVEMBER NO MO' Police across the nation are reporting the deaths of millions of beards since December began. On the first of the month, widespread reports of beard remains littered everywhere began to surface. The scraggly corpses of facial hair were found in the clogged sinks of freshly-shaven men by their roommates. Investigation is still under way, but many suspect the beards to be victims of an annual sacrificial tradition coming at the climax of an event called “No Shave November.” The mass murder of beards on such a scale is nothing new. For the past several years, large quantities of beard hair have been found in sinks during early December, leading several to believe there’s a pattern to these killings. New evidence suggests that the men responsible for No Shave November (and the ensuing execution of innocent beards) are part of a cult, known as “Movember.” Below is a picture of one mutilated beard found at a crime scene in Champaign, sitting in a shallow grave. *Warning: The following image is graphic. Children and those with a weak heart are advised to look away.
“We’ve been trying to track down these sick freaks for as long as I can remember,” said one campus police officer. “Basically, these guys spend the whole month of November not shaving their beards. Some of them grow out beards that are quite disgusting, and others, simply unimpressive. And at the end of the month, they get out a blade and decapitate their facial hair one by one. In my personal opinion, these men have been brainwashed. Nobody would do this shit unless their brains were scrambled.” Investigators hypothesize that members of the Movember cult use the month of November to grow out their beards as a symbol of their masculinity. Against the will of their girlfriends, their wives, and anybody with the gift of sight, men throughout the world compete to see who can display the hairiest monstrosity on their face. Then at the beginning of the next month, when the beards have outlived their purpose, they become sacrificed to the gods. This ritual is suspected to be offered in the hopes of an even greater “harvest” next November. “Yeah, I do No Shave November each year,” said one of the deranged cult lunatics. “It’s pretty fun, and it’s for a good cause. My girlfriend says she won’t kiss me when I have my beard, but I like having one, even though my mustache doesn’t connect with the rest of it.” It’s a heartbreaking and tragic situation for all involved, including those whose loved ones have been brainwashed by Movember. “I just wish I could have the old Robby back,” stated the girlfriend of one cult member. “I loved him so much before he drank the No Shave November Kool-Aid! But ever since he got the idea of growing the biggest beard possible, it’s been as if I’m dating a whole different guy. I don’t even recognize him anymore.” Thousands of men have already been arrested for the grotesque murder of their beards, and many more are expected to see a jail cell as well. Authorities are working night and day to bring Movember to justice. The power of the organization has proven to be so pervasive that even men who had nothing to do with the beard slaughter are identifying with the organization. “I did No Shave November, and all I got was a little peach fuzz,” said one member. “I’m 20 years old, and after a month, I still can’t grow a beard. Seriously, what the fuck?”
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HOW TO COURT A SUBLETTER Winnie Bago wrote this Subleasing and subletting is hard. First, there’s that problem of trying to remember the difference between “sublease” and “sublet.” What’s harder is finding someone to sublet (got it right!) your apartment. Luckily, The Black Sheep figured it out this tricky relationship for you.
STEP 1: THE POST
STEP 2: GOING THROUGH THE RESPONSES
The number of responses you get are going to make you swoon. (That is, unless you are trying to sublet a room in a five person apartment. No one wants that.) You’re thinking, “All these responses for moi? They must really love me!” Before you tell just anyone to show up to your apartment for a showing, Facebook stalk the shit out of them. You wouldn’t go on a first date without checking them out on social media, would you? No picture available? Well, hey, then no room available.
Yeah, we get it. It gets pretty damn cold in the Midwest during the winter. We all know the basics of staying warm during these harsh months, from cooking up soup to wasting a whole day filled with nothing but Netflix and shameless masturbation. Sound a little boring to you by now? Hell yeah, it does. So here are some, ahem, novel ways to keep the blood flowing in the good ol’ C-U. 10.) Cozy up in the steam tunnels: Sure, there’s probably no less than two, three bodies of unfortunate heat-seeking travelers down there, but why let the dead soak up all the steam? The promise of hot water vapor is all the more reason to stop by and warm up… for the rest of your life if you’re not too careful!
8.) Squeeze into the Joe’s dance floor: Even if you emerge victorious, arms locked with your new friend who you’ll be confusedly waking up beside the next morning, no one, and we mean no one looks good coming off of the Joe’s dance floor. Since going out during the winter is an absolute chore, there’s no better time to embrace the disgusting sweatiness and physical compression of the dance floor. Don’t worry about being noticed; just let the hot rays of hormonal, drunken dry-humping keep you toasty. 7.) Squirrel hunting for fur: Grab the gun that you get for free when you cross into Central Illinois and gear up for the Champaign winter hunt. You could easily search various garbage bins on the Quad for these suckers, but going through trash just seems crazy. Bear in mind that you might need to stock up on extra bullets. Squirrels are small.
Let your description of your apar tment reflec t your personality. People don’t want to sublet from just anyone.
Your sublet post is a form of a dating profile. Only now it’s not just your heart at risk, but your rent payments, too.
WAYS TO STAY WARM IN CHAMPAIGN-URBANA
9.) Little spoon the homeless woman in the Dunkin Donuts entrance: Give back this season with something money can’t buy: your own personal body heat and a half-chub. Just cram yourself right into her arms for what might be the smelliest but most oddly comforting snuggle of your life.
You want to make it obvious that you’re available without looking to desperate. Posting multiple times a day every day about your sublet makes it seem like you’ll just whore out your apartment to anyone. Instead, put yourself out there in a less stalker-ish way. Post about your apartment on the main sites: Craigslist, the Facebook housing page, the study abroad housing board, r/UIUC.
That gross stain on the wall? Write that the “apartment has color.” The loud people upstairs? Write that “it’s a hiphop-happening place where everyone wants to be.” Show that you can make the best of any situation.
THE TOP TEN
Look at their Facebook to see how they live. Will they take good care of your apartment well enough that you won’t have to pay for damages at the end of your lease? Check their major to see if they’re making bank or not; this can come in handy if you want to bump up their rent for “extra utilities.” We’re talking about you, engineers. They make for good husband material, in addition to good sublet material (financially, at least).
STEP 3: MESSAGE THEM BACK
Craft your response back. This should take as much time as texting back your crush: indecisively forever. “Thank you for your interest! You’ll love the place. It has…” and so on. Make them know that you’re interested, but don’t be clingy. Don’t ask them to say yes right away. Give it a couple of days to sink in and think about how this person could factor into your life. You want them to like you because this could be “the one.” If they message you twice in a row in all caps begging for a place to stay, you’ve got ‘em.
STEP 4: SCHEDULE AN APARTMENT SHOWING
Before they show up, straighten up the apartment. Light some candles. Spray some air freshener to cover the wafting smell of the shit you just took. Hide your dirty clothes under the bed. To really sell it, bake some cookies to have ready when they show up. Getting a Spotify playlist going isn’t a bad idea, either. We’re thinking some indie folk station to make it seem like you like to go to shows, but you’re also up for a night of cuddling. Essential lovemaking hits a la Marvin Gaye is also a viable option.
STEP 5: SIGN THE CONTRACT
They said yes? Hurray! Rush them to the altar -- er, leasing office – to seal the deal. As you both sign your names on the sublease (got it right again!), your eyes meet. From now until the end of the lease, you two are in this together for the long haul, for better or worse, for richer or until eviction, until graduation do you part!
6.) Create a shacking schedule: This is another alternative to hiding under the table at Red Lion for shelter at night. It’s handy to try and start a cycle: Pick a different booty buddy for every day of the week. Then, on Sundays it starts all over again with that one geed that you met at Legends who’s messaged the occasionally persistent “hey whatsup” ever since the first week of classes. Maybe you’ll find love too, but we wouldn’t bet on it. 5.) Make every day “Bring Your Flask to Class Day”: Why do we save bringing booze to class only for Unofficial and group projects? Take it from RST majors: It can only help to be drunk in class. If you’re braving the snowstorm to go to class in the first place, you deserve a few shots for the effort. We’re sure it’ll help you make it through the most unbearable of RST lectures… or whatever it is those kids do… 4.) Bulk up with the Fat Sandwich Diet: To prepare for hibernation and justify the fat ass you’ve been developing since freshman year, what better way than the Fat Sandwich Diet? It’s pretty straight-forward: Monday through Sunday, have Fat Sandwich for two meals and another for every night out. If the cold doesn’t kill you, your heart problems will! 3.) Set fire to the Eternal Flame: Yeah, you know, that over-glorified street light that your campus tour rep spent way too much time giddily explaining? We’re not sure if it really does predict true love (although, we saw two freshmen haplessly fuck near it last night, so we’ll keep you posted), but we do know that it’s a largely unused space for such a dim light. “Borrow” some of the highly rare/flammable books from the Main Stacks to get an Eternal Bonfire going. 2.) No Shave December: Consider November training for your patch-staches and pubes that would scare even Big Foot. The Yeti look is in for December as evidenced by the fashionable folks studying on a Friday night at Grainger, so flip the bird to evolution and use your natural hair for what it is meant for: protection and warmth. 1.) Elephant walks for days: Any guy on this campus will tell you that joining a fraternity was the best decision he made in his college career, and we all know why: unlimited warmth from his own brothers’ undercarriages. Nothing says “fraternal bonding” like holding a stranger’s penis in your bare hands. Man, geeds are such weirdos, right? Morgan Sherlock wrote this
09
If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
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Wednesday 12/3
$0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Long Islands
Don’t miss the Chalice Dubs Masquerade on December 4th! Featuring RUN DMT!
No Womp Wompsday! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Thursday 12/4
$1 Wells, $2 Fireball, $2 PBR Tall Boys, $3 Long Islands
CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE Matrix Edition! featuring RUN DMT, DJ SOLO, COFRESSI, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, and more!
Throwback Thursdays! $1 FIREBALL $2 UV VODKA (All Flavors)
Closed for a Private Party
Friday 12/5
$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles, $3 Calls, $3 Vegas Bombs, $7 Domestic Pitchers
GRANGER SMITH featuring EARL DIBBLES JR. with COURTNEY COLE
Open at 5pm $3 Bud Light Tallboys FREE GRILLED CHEESE starting at 6pm
Closed for a Private Party
Saturday 12/6
$2 Wells $2.50 Domestic Bottles $4 Patron $7 Domestic Pitchers
URBANITE: DANCE 2 X S International Dance Showcase
$3 Captain Morgan $3 Jim Beam $5 Patron Shots
Closed for a Private Party
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
NEW YEARS EVE 2015
TUESDAY! Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 8:45pm
Sunday 12/7
Closed
Closed
NEW YEARS EVE 2015 at The Clybourne! $1 U CALL IT! Cly’s was the First Bar to Sell Out Last Year! www.FirehausBar.com For Discounted Tickets!
Monday 12/8
$2 Doubles, $5 Bud Light/Budweiser Pitchers
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY featuring ILLINI CONTRABAND, THE DIRTY LARRYS and SIXTH STREET BRASS BAND $1 Drinks!
Clybourne NYE Tickets include a FREE Appetizer Buffet on Jan 1st for the Winter Classic Hawks vs Capitals! at Firehaus!
Book Your Next Party at Cowboy Money!
CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE! Come laugh at some of campus’ best comedians!
WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Beam Fire Shots $2 Bud Bottles
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 8:45pm
READING DAY EVE! Cly’s Christmas Party! Santa Will Be Here Handing Out Wrapped Gifts!
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Tuesday 12/9
$1 Wells, $1 Domestic Drafts, $1 Martinis & Free Pub Trivia
Wednesday 12/10
$0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Long Islands
$2 Real Long Island Iced Teas! NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)
Heartland Presents READING DAY PRE-PARTY One last party before Finals!
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM THE BAR GRID NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s
FRIDAY! DJ Delayney at 10pm, $5
Limited Supply of DIRT CHEAP Tickets to the BIGGEST NYE Party available at joesbrewery.com!
SPECIAL NIGHT
BLACKHAWKS vs BLUES 7pm Bulls vs Hornets 6pm $1 Specialty SHOTS Bud Mug Night
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Freshmen Night No Cover Under 25
Wednesday 12/3
BEARS vs COWBOYS 7pm Win 1 of 3 Bears Jerseys! $1 WELLS, $1 TACOs 4pm-10pm $2 Bud Light Drafts
$3 ANY Draft $4 White Russians
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
Redd, White and Boom! $2 Redd’s, $2 Jaeger Bombs and $2 Blue Moons
Thursday 12/4
BLACKHAWKS vs CANADIENS 7pm $3.99 Haus Fries All Day, $6 Bud Light 40’s College Football Championships PAC12- Oregon vs Arizona 8pm MAC - NIU vs Bowling Green 6pm
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 10pm, $5
Book Your Next Event Here
Friday 12/5
GAMEDAY! ILLINI vs American 1pm Free Shuttle Bus to the Game! BLACKHAWKS vs Predators 6pm
Watch the Illini at Guidos!
De Noche, Salsa Dancing, Drink Specials! 9pm
Contact us at joesbrewery@gmail.com
Saturday 12/6
NFL SUNDAY! $2 Anything Sundays Every Liquor...Every Beer $2! SNF:Chargers vs Patriots 7pm
NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
Beers and $4 Spazzles
Sunday 12/7
PACKERS vs FALCONS 7pm $1 Bud Light Drafts, HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm-10pm Pop Culture Trivia at 7:30pm!
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
MNJ
Monday 12/8
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
No Cover @ the 8th Grade Dance
Tuesday 12/9
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Sophomore Night: No Cover Under 24
Wednesday 12/10
Get your Tickets Now for FIREHAUS NEW YEARS EVE! Get our $50 Ticket for only $20 While Supplies Last - $1 U CALL IT www.FirehausBar.com
ILLINI vs VILLANOVA 6pm BLACKHAWKS vs DEVILS 6pm
$2 Wells, HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS Half Price Burgers 4-10pm
Bulls vs Nets 7pm $1 Specialty SHOTS Bud Mug Night
The only shirt you need for football season
Only
$12 with a FREE Koozie!
THE BAR GRID DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
Friday and Saturday: $10 Large Cheese Pizzas after 10pm
Wednesday 12/3
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
order by monday blacksheepswag.com
KAM'S SATURDAY! KAM’S CHRISTMAS PARTY!
Friday 4 o’Clock Club 1/2 Price Appetizer 4 ‘til 5
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys
$2 Platinum, $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 16oz Cans $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers $2 Pecan Shots, $4 Blue Guys DJ Delicato & Revel Stoke Girls 10pm
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night
Bears vs Dallas 7:30pm Senior Night - No Cover 21+
Thirsty Thursday! No Cover! $2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Beers
$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot
BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
10 GREAT PRESENTS PICTURES WITH SANTA Bud #UpForWhatever
Thursday 12/4 Friday 12/5
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
$10 Large Cheese Pizzas after 10pm
$10 Bud Lt Buckets (U Pick 5), $6 Pitchers $3 Stella Drafts, $3 UV Drinks $2 Fireball, $6 Bacardi Fish Bowls Stella Tasting 9:30pm, Fireball Girls 11pm
End of Prohibition Party: Featuring “DJ Delicato” 10pm plus Delts Band: 6-9pm $3.50 Captain Cannonballs Smirnoff Girls 6pm, PieHole Girls 10pm $2 Smirnoff Sour Shots $2 Pie Hole Shots $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt
KAM’S CHRISTMAS PARTY! 10 GREAT PRESENTS – PICTURES WITH SANTA
Saturday 12/6
$10 Large Cheese Pizzas after 10pm
Sunday 12/7
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Holiday Fun! $2 U Call It Open 11PM
Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS
$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers
Monday 12/8
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Monday Nite Football Open 7:30pm $2 U Call It “Get it All Here”
Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale
Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30
Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR
Tuesday 12/9
1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
ILL GAME WATCH -- ILL at VILL 6PM Country Nite “Drink it in Your Mason Jar” $3 Big Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles $7.50 “5” Bottle Buckets, $1.50 Drafts, $2 Moonshine Drinks & Shots, $2 Beam Fire Shots, $4 Big Beam Fire & Ginger!
No Cover! ALL Drafts on sale
Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers
Wednesday 12/10
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
$2 Platinum, $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 16oz Cans $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $4 Blue Guys $2 UV SALTY CARAMEL VODKA DJ Delicato & the UV Girls!
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night
ABSOLUT PARTY & 12 DAZE of SHOTS $4 BLUE GUYS - $2 BASKETBALL PINTS ILL BASKETBALL vs AMERICAN 1PM BIG TEN FOOTBALL CHAMPIONSHIP
Bud #UpForWhatever
THE BAR GRID MONDAY! Bingo Night $4.50/$3.50 Mighty Mugs of PBR and Hamms
TUESDAY: $2 Domestic Drafts
$3 Premium Drafts $0.40 Wings (5-10pm, dine-in only)
NEW YEARS EVE 2015 at Red Lion - $1 U CALL IT! Get DIscounted Tickets Now at www.FirehausBar.com
Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
Karaoke New Year at White Horse! First 50 Tickets are $15 or 2 for 20! $1 Wells, Miller Lights & Vegas Bombs $2 Bacardi Bombs, $3 Miller/Coors Lt. Pitchers Free Champagne Toast, Decorations, Hats and Giveaways ALL Night! FREE Big Breakfast the Next Morning
SPECIAL NIGHT
Logo Glass Day $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hamms
$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)
$4 Cruzan Buckets $2 Beam Fire
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
Wednesday 12/3
$2.50 Specialty Pints and Bottles
10 for $10 Coors Light 7oz Bottles $4.25 Martinis
Shacker Night $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Jack, Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM
Thursday 12/4
$5 Double Wild Turkey or Skyy $3 Sam Adams Family and Angry Orchard Pints
$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 16oz Cans
Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles Cracked Truck at 7pm
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM
Friday 12/5
$3 Goose Island Family
$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 20oz Drafts w/ Keeper Cup
GAMEDAY! Open at 11AM ILLINI vs AMERICAN 1pm Watch the Game Here or Take our Free Shuttle to the Game!
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Captain, Crown, & 3 Olives Drinks
Saturday 12/6
Trivia Night! $2 Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite and Rolling Rock Drafts
5 for $12 Domestic Buckets $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6.95 All You Can Eat Spaghetti & Garlic Bread (5-10pm, dine-in only)
NEW YEARS EVE 2015 at Red Lion - $1 U CALL IT! Get DIscounted Tickets Now at www.FirehausBar.com
$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp
Sunday 12/7
Bingo Night $4.50/$3.50 Mighty Mugs of PBR and Hamms
$2 Domestic Bottles $6 Personal 10in Pizza w/ 1 Topping (5-10pm, dine-in only)
Monday Night Lion $1 Wells $2 Hot Stuff
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM
Monday 12/8
$2 Tall Boys
$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Premium Drafts $0.40 Wings (5-10pm, dine-in only)
SENIOR NIGHT! $2 Wells $2 Hot Stuff No Cover over 21!
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY
Tuesday 12/9
Logo Glass Day $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hamms
$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)
Reading Day Eve! $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Beam Fire Shots
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers, $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
Wednesday 12/10
PARTY PICS!
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What’s your best two-sentence New Year’s Eve story?
MADDIE
“You don’t want to know my New Year’s Eve story. Or do you?”
KIMMY
“Home before 11 p.m. Picked up by mom.”
JEN
“Holding both my friends’ hair as they switched off puking. It was 9:30 p.m.”
BARTENDERS of the WEEK
MORGAN
OF UNDERGROUD
Relationship Status: Single and soulless Major: Speech and hearing Favorite Drink: Whiskey Coke Favorite Shot: Jäger bomb Disgusting Drink: Red headed slut What’s next up after the Fireball craze dies down?: It will never die down. As a bartender, how can you tell if someone isn’t a student here?: White wash flare jeans, New Balance Sneakers, and a U of I baseball cap. What’s the last drink you had to learn how to make?: Sex on the beach Is there a word you use in everyday conversation that confuses people? What does it mean?: Ginger jokes on repeat, because I’m not actually a ginger. Who would win in a fight, you or a bobcat, and why?: Me, because I have 10 lives. What chain restaurant is criminally underrated and why?: McDonald’s, because where would life be without the Dollar Menu? If you could have dinner with a famous person, living or dead, whose face would you wear and why?: Dinner with Andy Samburg, and it’d be my face because he would still be in love with it. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because of the staff. Shout outs to Lillie and Nicco!
THE DRINKING GAME
MIKE
OF RED LION
Relationship Status: Taken Major: Actuarial science Favorite Drink: Strawberry-banana smoothie Favorite Shot: Buttery nipple Disgusting Drink: Whipped Cream Burnett’s What’s next up after the Fireball craze dies down?: The Busch Light craze comes back. As a bartender, how can you tell if someone isn’t a student here?: They’re 40 years old and bald. What’s the last drink you had to learn how to make?: Whiskey Coke Is there a word you use in everyday conversation that confuses people? What does it mean?: I say “let’s canoodle” at the bar to girls, and it means you have to suck my noodle. Who would win in a fight, you or a bobcat, and why?: I would, because I would unleash my inner Red Lion. What chain restaurant is criminally underrated and why?: White Castle, because I crave that case. If you could have dinner with a famous person, living or dead, whose face would you wear and why?: Michael Jackson, because he has two faces and I can switch them. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: What is The Black Sheep?
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
WINTER WARMTH
EXTRA DEEP DISH PIZZA
So, you think you’re getting roped into a nice, tipsy drunk tonight, the kind that has you feelin’ real good inside? Very wrong. You’re going to need a lot of alcohol to numb your body from this frigid weather. Trust us, alcohol is the coziest blanket to keep you warm in this polar plunge, and we know you’ll be thanking us later.
Nothing warms the heart in this weather more than a deep dish pizza. This might not be restaurant quality, but hey, let’s just pretend you had enough foresight to call the ole pie shop before you got high.
What You’ll Need: A handle of cheap vodka and a campus full of people who give you reasons to drink.
What You’ll Need: A frozen pizza (hell no, we aren’t making jack shit from scratch), a 5 lb. bag of cheese of your choice, and whatever other toppings your heart desires. Fatty Factor: Enough to clog your arteries.
Level of Intoxication: Enough to make you think it’s appropriate to walk outside in just a shirt and pants and feel fine. How to Play: Post up at your window and take a pull from the handle when: - You see a basic white bitch wearing UGGs. Take two if it’s a dude. - You see somebody wipeout on ice or snow. Didn’t teach “walking” where yer from, huh? - You see a person wearing so much clothing you can’t see their skin. - You think you should have a snow day, but the administration snows on your parade and announces class is still on. - You see that one dude who thinks he’s too cool for the Mother Nature and wears shorts and a t-shirt outside. - There’s an attempt at a snowman, igloo, or a snow penis. Whatever works for you, man. - You see a foreigner (west coast student) questioning what snow really is. The Game Ends When: You can’t feel the icicles hanging off your body when you streak around campus. You’ve seen The Shining, right?
Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. - Unwrap the frozen pizza and drop handfuls of cheese all over it. - If you have any extra toppings, start layering them between cheese like you would taco dip. - If there’s anything still left in the bag of cheese, empty it onto the pizza. Don’t you remember it’s supposed to be extra deep? - Throw that work of art in the oven. Doesn’t matter if it’s not done preheating, just eyeball it. You’re smart; you go to college to learn good. - Anxiously wait for the best thing that you could ever stuff in your mouth. Probably 22 minutes or somethin’. - When it’s done, GET EXCITED, but don’t forget to grab oven mitts. If you don’t have any, winter gloves are a good substitute. We all know you won’t be able to wait until it cools to try it so take a bite, inevitably scorching the top of your mouth, but don’t say we didn’t warn ya’. If you’re lactose intolerant, just locate the nearest bathroom.
BOOZE REVIEW Crazy Stallion Grades: C-
Tex Mex Wrote This
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We all like Arizona iced teas, right? How can we not? It’s taller than your average, rinky-dink can of soda and lacks all of the bubbly carbonation that yields to many a post-gorging cramp. The best part about Arizona, naturally, is that sweet, sweet “99¢” sign that graciously adorns the top of the can. Consequently, the dollar price tag on a Crazy Stallion tallboy is the best thing about this malt liquor. And then there’s the, uh, “99¢” taste… Smells like: Beer has been such a hard drink to get a good sense of smell out of. So, for the sake of consistency with the rating, we’ll go ahead and say the inside of a crazy (diseased) stallion’s stable. Tastes Like: All canned beers have a certain tininess that’s charmingly repulsive at times. This canned beer is the liquid equivalent to chewing on aluminum foil. Typical Drinkers: - People spoiled by Arizona prices who believe that for 99¢, a drink should know no boundaries. - Misfortunate souls who get the “hey it’s BYOB btw” text right before knocking on the door. - Your gagging roommate when he mistakes it in the fridge for his green tea. - The one person on earth who thinks dollar tallboys are a good idea.
User Comments: - “But shit, it was 99 cents.” - “Ugh, shit. It is 99 cents.” - “Yeah, we had a couple Crazy Stallions last night. You haven’t heard of it? Consider it a blessing.” - “Are these guys affiliated with Arizona? Because someone needs to step in and make things right.” You’ll Like This if You Like: Being cheap – like, “taste is second to finances” cheap – with what your poison is when your friends are paying for you for once. Best Described as its Arizona Beverage Company Counterpart: Arnold Palmer Half & Half (NOW WITH MORE METALLIC AFTERTASTE!) What Your Living Vicariously, PartyConscientious Dad Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “DAMMIT, BRIAN. YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CHEAP OUT THIS MUCH AT SCHOOL. WHERE’S THE NATTIES I BOUGHT FOR YOU, BRIAN? BRIAN… WHERE ARE THE NATTIES???” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Your friend’s homemade chili, knock-off brand potato chips, Slim Jims Canned, Bottled, or Draft?: Canned. But we, uh, don’t think we had a choice here…
THE CARTOON BY: EDWIN
GO HOME SuburbanEXpress
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
President Easter Starts Retirement Vacation 7 Months Early, Already Having “Radical” Time Tex Mex wrote this
Seven months before his scheduled retirement date on June 30th, 2015, President Robert Easter fled the state of Illinois to begin what he’s calling his “totally radical retirement banger extravaganza.” Sources say that, after Timothy Killeen was dubbed Easter’s successor as the university’s new president, Easter immediately booked a flight to California with suitcase and skateboard in hand.
Chancellor Phyllis Wise, who was reportedly kissed on the lips by Easter in Looney Tunes-fashion before his excited escape, is perhaps the most perplexed by his sudden display of youthful spirit and pure adrenaline. Wise refused to comment on the cartoonish display of affection, but allegedly blushed and swooned with her hand over her forehead after the exchange.
“Like, you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this moment, man,” said a cargo-shorted, mojitosipping Easter to a cantina bartender at his SoCal resort. “You have no idea the amount of wear and tear four decades in academia has on the mind. Ever since I took over for that shmuck Hogan two years ago, I’d been counting down the days when I’d be able to swap out my suits for my Tommy Bahamas.”
As far as Easter’s plans are concerned, he’s made it readily apparent that he has one and only one destination alone: the world.
Easter’s abrupt departure from the remainder of his term came as a shock to several members of the university’s administration. Aside from his exit, most administration members were surprised by Easter’s complete disregard toward his elderly age, citing that he had “jumped up with glee, clicking both of his heels midair” and “quite literally burst through the conference room doors on a skateboard.”
“Yeah, I don’t know. After Cali, I’m probably going to hit up Hawaii so I can get a jumpstart on tourist season,” claimed Easter after a sick grind on a rail at a nearby Californian suburban skate park. “I’ve been meaning to catch some dank waves there, you know? Say ‘aloha’ to the beach babes and all that jazz, if you know what I mean.” During the entire conversation, Easter never once broke his perpetual “hang loose” hand gesture. He was also seen barking at longboarders, calling the teenagers “pussies” before heading down the half-pipe. After Hawaii, Easter doesn’t have too many of his plans laid out. However, the not-quite-yet-former president
doesn’t see this as a result of poorlytimed impulsive decisions. Instead, he sees his lack of direction as the rooted essence of “whatever the hell that Latin word about ‘doing cool shit’” is. “Carps dime, am I right?” Easter assured himself as he donned his floral lei before boarding a plane to Honolulu. “That’s pretty much been my go-to phrase during this whole retirement shebang so far. Nah, I’m not really sure where I’ll be heading after hanging a mean ten. Maybe more toward Asia, like, in the Koreas specifically. South? Psh, no. I’m talking North, kid. Because, literally, why the hell not?” Easter’s “hang loose” gesture was in full force by this point, intensifying the shaking of his wrist as he boarded his plane. While Easter’s actions have sent the university’s administrative faculty into a state of panic, students across all three U of I campuses have been more receptive to the news of their president. “Robert Easter?” questioned sophomore Craig Lang. “That’s our president’s name? Shit, I didn’t even know we had one of those. Cool, man.”
SAY IT AIN'T SO
HOW SCREWED ARE YOU FOR FINALS?
A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE
OUCHIE
UIUC Staff wrote this
A crowd gathered the Alma Mater last Tuesday morning, December 2, when sophomore Jimmy Jensen was found with his tongue stuck to the campus landmark. While getting tongues stuck to metal poles has been a wintertime staple for decades, as a 20-year-old man, it left some surprised that he would somehow still fall victim to such a foolish idea. The placement of where his tongue was stuck has also raised some questions in his group of friends, as it was actually stuck to the shirtless man statue standing next to the chair. Although he sent out many texts when he initially became stuck around 3 a.m., Jensen was forced to weather the cold night alone on the statue. He attempted to call 9-1-1, but due to his tongue being out of commission, he was unable to relay his problems and was eventually hung up on. His friend Greg Klein was the first to the scene, arriving around 8 a.m. after receiving a text late the night before. “I rushed to the Alma Mater, and then I saw Jimmy with his tongue stuck to the shirtless guy’s bicep,” Klein said. “Suffice to say I was shocked.” After running to Espresso Royale to get some hot water to pour on Jensen’s tongue, Klein sent Jensen home to recover from his long night; However, the
question still remained as to why Jensen had his tongue on the masculine statue, and possibly even more puzzling, on its bare bicep. “I’ve never heard of it before, but maybe there’s such a thing as a statue fetish?” suggested Klein. “But the whole bicep thing is really throwing me for a loop. I mean, I could maybe see Alma Mater, she’s a bit of a MILF, decent pair of hooters on her. And the shirtless guy is pretty ripped and all… but licking him? I don’t even know what to think anymore.” We were finally able to get ahold of Jensen once his tongue healed up and asked him what led to him getting his tongue stuck to the Alma Mater. “Well, I was out at the bars, so I was a bit liquored up, and my buddy dared me to stick my tongue to the Alma Mater, so I did it. Simple as that,” Jensen said confidently. But when asked what the name of this friend was, Jensen took more than a few seconds to respond, finally he muttered “uh… John.” When pressed for a last name, Jensen got nervous. “I mean, I don’t really know him that well… maybe Smith? Yeah, John Smith. That crazy bastard, right?” We then continued to press him on why his tongue
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ended up on the shirtless man’s bicep, to which he took much offense. “Look, I’ve heard of people saying that I have a statue fetish, and I just want to say that’s completely ridiculous,” sputtered Jensen.
“I mean, yes, statues can be the embodiment of perfection as seen in Michelangelo’s Statue of David, but come on. That’s just the place that Jeff – I mean John – dared me to put my tongue.”
PAGE 21 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Student Gets Tongue Stuck On Alma Mater, Raises Many Questions
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
A GUIDE
If you’re at the Chipotle on Green St. during operating hours, chances are you’ll be facing a three, maybe fourhour line. Instead of listlessly staring at your phone and pretending to text, put the substantial portion of your finite lifespan about to be flushed away waiting for a burrito to good use by considering the following: Age is Just a Number: Let’s face it, you’ll be in this line for ages; the little kid pulling on his mother’s coat will become a fully grown man long before the tortilla guy asks if you want a burrito or a bowl. Join a Club: The Chipotle line has a large number of clubs and groups! Bonding over a shared interest is a great way to find that special someone you “just click” with. If you can’t find a club that caters to your specific, and let’s face it, pretentious niche interest, don’t be afraid to start one of your own!
TO MAINTAINING YOUR SANITY
IN THE CHIPOTLE LINE Kevin Millan wrote this
Bring a Puppy: Everyone loves puppies! Even if they don’t, most people love dogs and the eventual emotional trauma constantly lingering in the back of their mind, knowing that the owner will long outlive their beloved pet and most likely have to put it down when those crippling vet bills can’t be paid. Okay, Jesus, don’t bring a puppy. Be Patient: Even though there’s two
people constructing a homestead over by the drink machine (everyone saw them put soda in their water cup, too), and the guy ordering meat just had to get double chicken and finish up the last of the container, don’t lose your cool! You’ve put some of your best years into this line, and it’d be a damn shame to let a little entropy cause you to back out now. Keep Your Standards High: New additions to the line will, in their infinite naivety, constantly pile on, creating a situation reminiscent of that Snake game. Stand easy knowing that the every person behind you is another 15 minutes of waiting you won’t have to endure.
in this line. Spend your time waiting to reminisce a little with the cash you’ll indirectly ingest in burrito form – you’ll value it more. Get Cultured: Honing a mind that knows the intricacies of literature, film, music, or art takes a long time and lots of dedication. Thankfully, you’ve got at least one of those things. Maybe stop reading listicles and read a goddam book for once. Try to Guess Someone’s Order: As stupid as this sounds, we’ve actually seen this work in real life. Seriously. Your odds are pretty good, too, since there’s only, what, three things on the menu?
Strike up a Conversation by Hating on People who Ordered Online: Did you know that you can order Chipotle online and just pick it up? You sure can, and to hell with you if you do. Nothing brings people together like a common enemy. Shittalking the smug, glowing faces of people picking up their food and promptly striding out like some sort of fucking prince of Mexican fast food will definitely do the trick.
Start Making Cow Noises: Nothing lightens the mood like comedy, and straight out of Southern Illinois, the funniest joke to play in a big line of people is when someone starts “mooing.” Believe it or not, this overplayed and not-even-thatfunny-in-the-first-place joke is still being performed in 2014! Get in on the action by showing the ladies and gents you’ve got comedic chops: moo away, friend. Moo away.
Don’t Make Money an Issue: Having to pay $11 for a burrito kind of sucks, especially when you feel like you’ve endured some sort of twisted example of why there’s no such thing as a “free lunch” waiting
While it’s a long stretch, we hope these tips keep your spirits high enough to keep you from storming out of Chipotle for another restaurant. Because, let’s be honest, you know you won’t be going anywhere else anyway.
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