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Vol. 24, Issue 15
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
5/7/14 - 5/14/14
5 THINGS ON CAMPUS YOU DON’T THINK YOU’LL MISS (BUT YOU WILL) KITTY KAT WROTE THIS The parties, the late night food runs, the tank-top frat boys and the vodka-fueled hook-ups—all the obvious things you’re going to miss after graduation. But what about the little hidden gems that campus has to offer? These are the things you overlook every day, but will leave humongous gaps in your heart once you move back home. We present to you our top five: The Rotten Egg Smell in the Boneyard Greenway: You probably cut through campus with this path a few times after leaving Legends and heading home. But if you were lucky enough to walk the Greenway during the day, you’d notice a delicious little scent flowing downstream from the Engineering Quad—the smell of math, physics, learning and researching. This is just another great gift from the engineers of this in the CU what great reminders will you have of these intelligent individuals? Skyscrapers and computers? That’s nothing compared to this pungent odor of dead fish and spoiled dairy products. The One World Pizza of Years Past: No, not Drew’s. Or Rick’s. Or whatever weird man owned it at some point. The original. But the point here is that where are you ever going to find high-quality, greasy pizzas for $5 at 2 a.m. ever again? You can’t even find it anywhere else on campus now! When you move back home, you’ll be stuck heating up frozen Hot Pockets when you have a craving. As delicious as that sounds, it’s just not enough to fill the void that a large, dirt-cheap, passably mediocre pizza left behind. The Littered, Trashed Streets After a Night Out: Sure, it was disgusting on Friday mornings as you walked to class and the garbage happily floated around your ankles. Who knows what was among those paper plates and napkins blowing in the wind outside Second Story. Needles? A used condom? It’s gross, but think of it as a campus-wide scrapbook of memories. You get an idea of where everyone else’s night ended up, even if you can’t remember where yours did. It makes this big campus of 40,000 feel just a little bit smaller. The Constant Sirens: They were background noise most of the time; you hardly even realized they were there. But man, campus is alive! Fires and alcohol poisonings … you always knew there was something
going on. Imagine living somewhere where everything was safe and quiet and calm. Where’s the fun in that? Luckily, you can get your fix of this by moving to Chicago, so it’s like a little home away from home. The Sticky Floor of Brother’s and Kam’s: Even though icing out is a tradition, you can thank the big-dick frat boys for the disgusting state of the floors around 1 a.m. But these sticky floors aren’t just meant to rip apart your cute new sandals or help you twist your ankle while casually
dancing with your crush, they’re saying: “Don’t leave, Katelyn … stay a little longer … your tab is only $30 … you can double that, baby.” You’ll never feel this kind of true, heartfelt connection with someone (or something) ever again. After you graduate, don’t forget about the CU and the land you called home for four sweet years. Take a drive to campus, go streaking through Frat Park and heckle people from your friend’s balcony just like old times.
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HOW TO CONVINCE YOUR ROOMMATE HE’S GOING BLIND
SENIOR NOSTALGIA LEADS TO ARREST, EXPULSION
HOW TO GET RID OF THOSE LEFTOVERS
TRUST US, THERE’S SOMETHING IN IT FOR YOU.
IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON, BRO.
FOUR RECIPES TO GET YOU TO CLEAN OUT THE OLE’ FRIDGE.
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GUESS THE MASCOT
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To have a name that fits the spelling, rather than having a spelling that fits the name. "Klohee ‘s ergonamic first name made it difficult for her professors to take her seriously in class—her parents must have been idiots."
Kitty Kat, You’ve wasted three out of your four years here slaving away for this joke of a publication. Did you even get anything out of it?
TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC • FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE! LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: LOUISVILLE CARDINALS
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Sincerely, Daily Illini Editor Dear BIG FAT JERK, You know what? Maybe you’re right. I did waste a lot over these past few years—my own money at Wednesday night White Horse karaoke, my boss’ money at the liquor store every week, my time on Sunday afternoons writing and editing articles that should have been done three days ago, Austin. But believe it or not, it was all worth it. I met a batch of crazy kids who love dirty jokes and good whiskey as much as I do. Sure, we don’t have the backing of a famous deceased film critic, but we’ve got enough The Black Sheep cups and koozies to bond us for life. We learned so much about each other—like whose family is incestuous and how many times we’ve peed the bed in college—and not even a drunken intra-staff hook-up can mess with that (seriously, you’d be surprised how much some of us have gotten around). The best part is that we’ve made people laugh with us (or at us) along the way. And that is nothing to be ashamed about. Later hater, Kitty Kat
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HOW TO CONVINCE YOUR ROOMMATE
HE’S GOING BLIND SCOTTY G WROTE THIS
Sometimes your roommate sucks. He makes way too much noise at night and he’s totally been eating your peanut butter all year. He’s made this semester hell for you, so rest assured that what you’re about to do is totally justified. You’re gonna convince him that he’s going blind.
STEP 1: CLARITY, OR LACK THEREOF
The first step towards ruining vision is losing sharp focus. Here’s how you can do it: Scan copies of everything in the room (posters, framed pictures, calendars, and anything else that’s in plain view). One day, replace all of them with slightly blurry replicas you printed. He won’t notice anything at first. Repeat this process with increasingly blurry replicas until they are genuinely hard to see. Also, get a tech-savvy friend to help you lower the resolution of his laptop. At this point, bring in your assistant. Have a friend of yours visit the room when the roommate is around. While he’s there, he’ll pretend he’s reading off of a poster across the room, drawing the roommate’s attention to the poster that he can’t decipher. Write him messages on sticky notes like, “John was looking for you,” or “Do the dishes,” but write them in extremely small letters on the smallest Post-its you can buy. Steal his sunglasses and get them remade with a far-sighted prescription. This will be the first time your roommate is aware his vision might be going.
STEP 2: DEPTH PERCEPTION
Your roommate has already lost focus, but that’s not enough to make him think he’ll never see again. It’s time to ruin his sense of balance and distance. When you get the chance, super glue a quarter-inch of rubber to the bottom of his right shoe. Wait a week, then do it again. Repeat five times. Do the same to one of the legs of his chair. Adjust your TV so the picture is slightly off center and a little too low. Continue adjusting until the bottom line of SportsCenter is entirely cut off. Steal the sunglasses again, and replace the right eye with a near-sighted prescription.
STEP 3: SANITY
At this point, your roommate is stuck in a blurry and dizzying world, but he still trusts his eyes. This has to stop. He needs to see things that his brain will tell him are impossible, losing all faith in his ability to perceive the world
through sight. Now you’re going to flip everything. Part your hair in the opposite direction. Sit in your room and start writing with your left hand. Replace his guitar with a left handed one. Replace his shampoo with a hair dye. In a couple weeks, he should have a full head of ginger hairs. When he looks in the mirror (which is cloudy, because you added salt water to his Windex), he’s gonna barely make out an uneven image of a disoriented red head who doesn't know what to believe anymore.
STEP 4: THE FINISHING TOUCH
You're almost there. It's time to put that cherry on top. Wait until your roommate falls asleep, then quietly climb on top of him. What you want to do next is pour a boiling bottle of arsenic in his eyes. He'll scream and squirm, but you gotta hold him down so he can't wipe the arsenic out of his eyes. After 45 seconds of unspeakable pain, he'll be totally blind. Is there anything more convincing than the truth? THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR EATING MY FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER, JERRY.
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UNIVERSITY LIBRARIES TO HOST THERAPY BENGAL TIGERS FOR FINALS WEEK TEX MEX WROTE THIS
Starting on May 8, the University of Illinois’ libraries will be introducing the newest twist to their bi-annual Therapy animal program designed to de-stress students for finals. In addition to the regular therapy dogs, the program will now include endangered Bengal tigers imported from India available for students’ petting pleasure. The dogs and their feline counterparts are set to make appearances at the Grainger, Undergraduate, and ACES libraries within the next few days. “All I can say is that students spoke, and we listened,” said one of the program representatives in charge of finding new animals to recruit and diversify with. “We had a ton of requests to add even more animals to the mix, specifically ones from the cat family. So we went the extra mile and purchased the best cats money and questionably ethical dancing around animal preservation regulations could buy. I mean, we all saw Life of Pi, right? I’d safely say that Bengal tigers are on the upswing in terms of replacing dogs as man’s new best friend.” The representative claimed that the standard activities for the therapy animals
would largely remain the same. Students studying at the corresponding libraries will be able to visit the animals between the hours of 1 and 2 p.m. to pet, nuzzle, smother, vent, reveal volatile personal insecurities, and hang out with them until another distraction pops up. However, the addition of the tigers has already caused a decent amount of struggles in attempting to ensure a safe, productive environment for the students and animals to interact. Program representatives hypothesize that this may or may not be due to the fact that the tigers were “kinda sorta borrowed” from their natural habitats against their will with ample help from enough chloroform to “knock all three versions of King Kong off their claymated and computer-generated asses.” “You see, the tigers are, well … a bit illtempered,” remarked another profusely scratched-up and bloodied program representative. “We tried a few test runs to get a sense of how this year’s dogs would react to sharing the stage with their feline brethren, but the tigers didn’t take too kindly to co-headlining the therapy session, I guess. Unfortunately, Zipper, one of our veteran dogs, won’t be joining us this year due to an altercation with
one of the tigers that went a little south when we tried to get this year’s group photo properly posed. As a result, we’ll have to transport the tigers in reinforced steel cages and make sure that they’re behind bars at all times. If students wish to de-stress with the tigers, they’ll be more than welcome to enter the cage with one of them for the allotted five minute time span.” Despite the incident with Zipper’s untimely devouring, many students remain ecstatic and excited for the possibility to take a load off their shoulders by spending some quality time with one of the world’s most majestic and vicious animals. Instagram and Twitter hashtags are already being preemptively posted in order to get the event trending, such as #DestressingAndFinalsAndTigersOhMy, #RealLifeOfPi, and #PETA because hippies always like to ruin the fun. It’s been difficult to say whether or not studies have backed that therapy animal de-stressing necessarily works with all animals as the program representatives claim. When asked if the tigers’ “illtempered” demeanor – resulting from being forced from their natural habitat,
drugged, and then zapped into their cages by cattle prods on a daily basis – could pose a potential threat for students who might suffer the same fate as Zipper, their response was overwhelmingly calming. “Look, even animals can catch a little case of stage fright sometimes,” reassured a newly armless program representative in charge of feeding the tigers. “When the therapy dogs were first introduced, the limelight got to them. I don’t think we’ve
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ever seen a dog explosively shit on the floor as much as Scruffy did during his first gig. What the tigers need is enough time to familiarize themselves with the wide-open ranges of Grainger’s several floors and the jungle-like arrangement of the UGL’s collaboration tables. After that, I’m sure they’ll be more than willing to interact with stressed students in the most positively constructive manner possible. I mean, they’d better, because next year we’re looking to tack on silverback gorillas and great white sharks to the mix.”
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SENIOR NOSTALGIA LEADS TO ARREST, EXPULSION LOUIS STEVENS WROTE THIS
“This is the last time I’ll ever drink at this water fountain on this floor of Gregory Hall,” wept a teary-eyed student, Gene Hartman. Nostalgia is setting in and many of the seniors have been making a semesterlong trip down memory lane. One senior, Gene Hartman, has unfortunately fallen behind on his nostalgia tour. Hartman is an aerospace engineering major and has been through a pretty tough last semester, so with homework and exams piled up, he forgot to be nostalgic about anything. “It’s been a rough ride,” he said. “I forgot to keep track of my last walk from my apartment to Wendy’s and now I think I’ll forget what that walk smelled like forever.” Hartman invited The Black Sheep along for a would-be nostalgic trip of a lifetime in just one night. He planned to cross every little thing off the list as quickly as possible and be done with it all. Things didn’t exactly go as planned. When his last class got out at 7 p.m., Hartman raced to the I-57 store at the Ike to buy his “favorite meal ever.” A double cheeseburger with BBQ sauce, onion rings, stale Sun Chips, a Barqs root beer and a side of chocolate-covered pretzels for dessert. “This is what I ate four times a week back in the day,” he said, holding back his vomit. “What a luxury.” Hartman decided to cross off the late-night activities on his list. He headed over to Den’s Liquors to buy his last case of Keystone Light, made a quick stop at Murphy’s to play
“Shook Me All Night Long” on the jukebox for the last time and then ran to a random frat house where he was abruptly told to “get the hell out.” “Ah, I miss it,” he said into the warm May air. “Frats just weren’t for me – too many cliques. Too much partying and not enough partnership, ya know?” It didn’t take long before he was kicked out of his last fraternity party. “You know what we’ve got to do?” he asked. “Pre-game in the dorms one more time. In my old room, my old stomping ground. That’s something seniors do, right?” Without waiting for an answer, Hartman was up four floors of Scott Hall when he knocked on room 442 and barged in with his case of Keystone, a deck of cards and an N64 with two controllers. “I got first race! Yoshi! Yoshi!” he shouted, as two young freshmen women darted into the back of the room with sheer horror on their faces. Then Hartman cracked open a beer, shotgunned the thing like it was filled with air and passed the case to the two girls. Hartman was charged with breaking and entering, consuming alcohol on school property, harassing and verbally abusing Sarah Leo and Karen Phillips and resisting arrest, claiming “senior nostalgia” as a viable reason for committing nine misdemeanors. Hartman was put on probation and is under review for a possible reinstatement in college to finish up his last semester a year later than his would-be fellow graduates.
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WEATHER FINALLY WARM ENOUGH FOR END OF ILLINI BASEBALL SEASON JUPITER STEVENS WROTE THIS
Temperatures reached 75 degrees Saturday afternoon as the unranked Illinois baseball team took on Michigan State in one of its last regular season games of the year. “The weather really hit its stride right at the end of the season for us. Perfect timing,” head coach Dan Hartleb said to the Big Ten Network's announcing crew during a mid-inning interview. “It's finally really nice outside and all, but I can't help but notice our boys haven't been playing up to par lately.” The Illini baseball team has been playing outdoors since mid-February and have made positive comments about the frigid temperatures all season long, praising the layout of the NCAA baseball schedule. “Hats off to the NCAA,” Hartleb continued, pacing backand-forth on the top steps of the Illini dugout, basking in the first sight of sun since last September. “What a fine organization and what rational thought they put behind every scheduling decision they made. If it were higher than 60 degrees for the majority of our season, I don't know how our boys would ever be able to put all their focus on what's happening on the field. Can you imagine playing in those conditions? You'd never be able to think about anything else other than how damn hot you are the whole time you're standing out
there. What would they do when a ball was hit in their direction? Our fielders wouldn't even have the will to move out there.” While Hartleb spent most of the fifth inning rubbing sun tan lotion on his arms and sipping ice tea from a bendy straw, he admitted that if the weather was as bitterly cold as it was throughout the majority of the team's schedule then he wouldn't have so many distractions off the field. “It really helps to be frozen solid out on the diamond, let me tell you that,” starting pitcher Kevin Duchene said after the agonizingly refreshing game in moderately temperate conditions. “When you can't move your limbs, you can't lose focus. There's no way to find yourself caught off-guard on the mound when you literally can't take your eyes off the plate. Does the frostbite get in the way of my pitching motion? Yeah, a little bit I guess, but what's an athletic competition without a challenge to overcome? I mean, this is baseball we're talking about here. You've got to be on your toes at all times and be awake out there.” Duchene, who told reporters in mid-March that the ice on the foot of the mound actually helps secure his landing foot, said he finds it difficult to adjust to the warm, cloudless conditions. “I think I speak for the
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entire Illini pitching staff when I say that we've been finding it very difficult to adjust to these casual, satisfying spurts of weather,” the left-hander said, muttering as he flipped the shades on his sunglasses down. “I can't believe the season doesn't start earlier. Hockey and basketball get all the good months and they don't even play outdoors.”
The Illini have lost seven of their last eight games in temperatures over 60 degrees and have even resorted to cut-off uniforms to help cool off the players. “Well, it was a hell of a lot easier to slide into second when there was a pile of snow to break your fall,” outfielder Casey Fletcher said. “It's not really ideal to slide on dirt with cut-off pants either. God, I miss baseball in the winter...it's a true American past time.”
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OPINION
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TEN
CHEERS TO GRADUATION HEAVY METAL KRIST WROTE THIS
As graduating seniors leave U of I for the soul-crushing reality of the real world, The Black Sheep would like to raise a drink to the people, places and things that made your time here the best four (or five, or six) years of your life. Grab a can of Keystone Light and a set of keys; here are the top ten things to cheers to this graduation: 10.) The Admissions Board: When you think about it, these are the people who really got the party started. In your admission essay, you sold the university on a vision to receive a good education from a world-class institution, when in reality the only vision of college you had was a four-year blur of slappin' butts and bangin' sluts.
CUMTD Masturbation Always Weird RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS Dear Seemingly Ordinary Student Whom I Will Always Identify As the “Public CUMTD Masturbator,” Sup? You don’t know me, but my name is Rima Parikh. You may remember me as that girl that was sitting next to you on that one, super-packed 13N Silver one Tuesday afternoon. Thank you for taking your backpack off the seat next to you so that I could sit down. And then, thank you for politely placing it on your lap before you started jerking off. Subtlety is an art form that you’ve clearly (almost) mastered. First off, I’d like to congratulate you on doing what you want without giving a shit about what other people think. Individuality is so difficult to retain in this increasingly mechanized society. Fuck social norms! Fuck the patriarchy! Fuck the matriarchy! Fuck all of these people! You do what you want, man. You do you. Literally. You fuck yourself. I think it would also be unfair on my part if I didn’t also thank you for: a) fondly reminding me of Chicago again, because that was so 4 a.m. Blue Line and b) deeming me to be bangable, since I assume that I was the catalyst of your decision to whip your dick out on a packed bus.* It’s a little weird, mostly because I either dress like an angsty seventeen-year-old or like a chic lesbian librarian with a vague hint of12-year-old boy. But I mean, if you’re into that, I’m happy for you. I apologize for getting off the bus before you finished – totally didn’t mean to leave you hanging. But I hope everything worked out for you all the same.
9.) Your Fraternity/Sorority: Spare us the bullshit about brother/sisterhood and serving others through philanthropy. We all know damn well that the only reason you got involved with Greek life was because it gave you the easiest access to alcohol, drugs, and casual sex with the only moderately attractive people on campus. 8.) Easy Classes: U of I is a tough school, and it’s even harder when you’re getting hammered six nights a week. Fortunately, you were able to rack up enough credits in blow-off classes such as Human Sexuality, RST 100, and various one-hour kinesiology courses to comfortably earn a 2.06 GPA and graduate magna cum laude with a communications degree! 7.) Your AODO Counselor: More so than any professor or advisor, your AODO counselor has always been there for you during your time on campus. From your open liquor container citation on your first Unofficial to the most recent public urination ticket you received the other day, you could always count on receiving some sort of notification from your AODO counselor to discuss your latest “incident” at least three times each semester. 6.) Illini Athletics: Oskee-Wow-Wow! Throughout the years, our beloved Orange and Blue always gave you a reason to drink. You may not have drank in celebration ever (unless you consider making the NIT or beating The Helen Keller School of the Blind in football reasons to celebrate), but unlike those bums on the field, you actually won that battle against an unopened Bud Light can. 5.) Barn Dances: Yee-fuckin’-haw! Booze, bros, bitches and barns! Barn dances were an integral part of your UIUC experience. You had some of the best and most blacked-out times of your life while wearing flannel, listening to country music and dancing in hay stacks. Unfortunately, the only place you can replicate this experience after college is on shady barns in Southern Illinois with meth heads trying to hook up with their livestock. 4.) Your Liver: Let’s give this little guy a hand, eh? From beer bongs to Louisville Chuggers, onedollar wells to two-dollar top shelf liquor, and purple drank to Four Lokos, there’s nothing your liver hasn’t endured. So, what better way to congratulate it for a job well done than by punishing it with more alcohol?
Not gonna lie though, shit was a little weird. Mostly because it was 2 p.m. on the 13N Silver on a Tuesday. So I have to ask: Why?
3.) The Eternal Flame: According to legend, if you kiss your lover underneath the eternal flame on the Quad, you two will stay together forever. In your case, you raw dogged a stranger you met at Kam’s underneath it, so now you now have eternal crabs! The light inside the flame may not burn anymore, but your crotch sure does!
I mean, you knew you were getting on the bus, and by the looks of things, you have a place to kind of do these things privately, you know? Or mayhaps you’re one of those people who get off on getting off in public, hey we all have our peccadilloes.
2.) Monday Night Joe’s: As a result of finger blasting girls on the Joe’s dance floor every Monday night for your entire college career, your hand now smells like a fish market. Savor the skankiness now while you can. Mondays will never be the same again.
Just, I know sometimes you gotta' take care of business ASAP. But seriously, there are plenty of options for the twenty-first century public jerking aficionado, many of which are conveniently located right in the Illini Union!
1.) Earning Your Degree: You’re about to earn a degree from one of the best universities in the world. That’s something not many people can say. Hell, those diplomas they hand out 45 miles down the road at ISU aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on. So, whether you half-assed your way to a business degree or slaved away through a curriculum of engineering courses, let’s finish off your career in true Illini style: by shotgunning your beer and getting Red Lion Poop Girl-wasted. Congratulations— you earned it.
These aforementioned locations include (but are not limited to): - Illini Union bathrooms (they’re actually engineered to masturbate in, I think) - The Federal Room (what the hell is that for, even? sounds fancy) - The Colonial Room (EVEN FANCIER!) - Literally any other place in the Union For future reference, the 13N Silver actually stops at the Union at some point – so convenient! But yeah, I’ve mostly shot my wad. Who knows, maybe we’ll cross paths on the 22N one day, and you can tell me about how much you hated this letter. Or you could wipe up your spicy jizz with it. Sincerely, Rima Parikh *If I wasn’t, then fuck you. I don’t need you for my self-esteem.
PAGE 10
FOUR EASY RECIPES TO GET RID OF LEFTOVERS IN YOUR FRIDGE WINNIE BAGO WROTE THIS
By the end of the semester, your leftover food is probably nearing their expiration dates in your fridge. Don’t let your parents’ money go to waste. Follow these simple recipes to get rid of food you should have eaten a long, long time ago: #1: Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Macaroni?: Any college student can make mac ‘n cheese. But sometimes making a bowl of powdered, cheesy goodness requires too much effort. Don’t lie. At one point you’ve thought: “You mean, after I boil the noodles I have to drain them and put the cheese powder in? I’d rather just order take-out.” This recipe is a way to spice up a childhood classic. Ingredients: Two oranges, box of Kraft macaroni ‘n cheese, pepper. Directions: - Peel the oranges. While the peel of the orange is not required for the recipe, don’t let it go to waste. Put the orange peels in your garbage disposal and garbage can
to cover up the stench that’s been spreading through the apartment. - Bring the pot of water to a boil. - Add the noodles. Cook for as long as you can wait before dying of starvation. - Drain the noodles. Mix in cheese powder. - Add oranges. Not sure if it will taste good, but at least it will add some zesty zing. Plus, the oranges will blend in with the cheddar look. -Put some pepper on it. That’s what all the fancy restaurants do.
#2: Sweet and Sour and Spicy Pizza Rolls: Somehow you feel less guilty eating an entire bag of pizza rolls rather than an entire pizza by yourself. Maybe it’s the mentality of, “Oh, they’re so small. I can have just one more.” That mentality doesn’t work in the bedroom, and it doesn’t work in the kitchen. That is unless you spruce up your pizza rolls with this recipe. Ingredients: Bag of pizza rolls, pint of ice cream (any flavor), jar of salsa, three granny smith apples.
Directions: - Put the ice cream in the freezer that you accidentally left in the trunk of your car after going to the grocery store. - Scoop out what’s left of the salsa that’s been sitting in the back of the fridge. - Slice up the apples into small, bite-sized pieces. - Forget to turn the oven on, then turn it on, realize it’s taking forever, so just put the pizza rolls in at any old temperature. - Once the pizza rolls are at least warm, drizzle them with the salsa. Then scatter the apples across the rolls. Finally, plop generous amounts of ice cream onto the rolls. The cold and hot sensations will electrify your taste buds.
# 3: Coffee Grounds Soup: You have way too many coffee grounds in your apartment than could be healthily consumed during finals week. Share the caffeine with your friends served in coffee grounds soup to avoid all of you being hospitalized for abnormally high heart rates.
Ingredients: Bag of coffee grounds, four potatoes, can of tomato juice, canned chicken.
Directions: - Boil the potatoes on the stove. Cut them up into fine pieces. - Find where your roommate hid the can opener so you can open the canned chicken. In the long run, that probably took longer than the time it would take to buy fresh chicken, cook it and chop it up. But if there’s one thing college taught you, it’s that the responsible route is highly overrated. - Put potatoes, chicken, tomato juice and coffee grounds into one big pot on the stove. Remove from heat once the soup starts to boil and splatters all over the stove. - Invite roommates to exit their bedrooms to eat your homemade soup with you. Once they are finished eating and give you compliments, ask them to do the dishes since you slaved over the stove all evening to feed them. #4: Southern Comfort Split: Since you already wasted your
ice cream on the pizza rolls, you’ll have to improvise for your banana split as dessert. Go a more exotic route with this recipe. Ingredients: One banana, sweet barbecue sauce, bottle of honey mustard, one cherry. Directions: - Peel the banana that your high school health teacher gave you to practice putting condoms on. - Refrigerate the barbecue sauce and honey mustard to give it a chill. Then mix the two together
in a bowl. The amount depends on how much room you left in your stomach for dessert. - Put the banana in the makeshift ice cream. - Put a cherry on top because that’s just how ice cream works. While we can’t guarantee that any of these makeshift recipes will translate to sustainable “study food” in the coming week, at least your parents won’t be able to ride your ass about being so wasteful anymore. How’s that for finals frugality!
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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERY DAY! $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Light, $2.50 Bud Light, $2.50 Jose Cuervo and Jose Cuervo Cinge
Saturday's Shows: ILLROCK BLOCK PARTY featuring CHIDDY BANG, SHWAYZE and more! AFTERSET with MIDNIGHT CONSPIRACY! facebook.com/illrockblockparty for more info!
SENIOR BAR CRAWL Starts Saturday at Noon www.SeniorBarCrawl.com for more information!
SATURDAY! Katie Flynn Duo, 6pm - 8pm, No Cover! X-Krush, 10pm, $5
THURSDAY! Firehaus Yard Sale at 2pm! Get Great Deals on Package Liquor, Signs, Shirts, Glassware & More! NFL DRAFT 1st Rd 7pm
Wednesday 5/7
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
JESSICA HERNANDEZ & THE DELTAS with THE 92s and A COOL HAND
$2 Long Islands $2 Wells $2 Bud Light Bottles
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Bud Mug Night! Cubs vs Sox 7pm WIN CUBS TICKETS KARAOKE at 10pm!
Thursday 5/8
$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks, $2 Fireball $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys $3 Long Islands $5 Domestic Pitchers
MUZZY with MARVEL YEARS and KROOKED DRIVERS
$1 FIREBALL $3 Vegas & Jager Bombs $4 ICE BOMBS
Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
Firehaus Yard Sale at 2pm! Get Great Deals on Package Liquor, Signs, Shirts, Glassware & More! NFL DRAFT 1st Rd 7pm
Friday 5/9
$2 Jager Bombs, $2 Wells $2.5 Miller Lt/Coors Lt $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Three Olives Premium LITs $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
THIS MUST BE THE BAND Tribute to TALKING HEADS with DJ NO DJ
OPEN AT 5pm FREE GRILLED CHEESE and Chips with the purchase of any beverage
DJ Mingram, 10pm, FREE $2 Cover after 11:30pm
BLACKHAWKS vs WILD Game 4 at 8:30pm, Red Beer on Tap In Honor of the Blackhawks! $3.99 Haus Fries, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Jim Beam
Saturday 5/10
$2 Jager Bombs, $3 Wells $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
ILLROCK BLOCK PARTY featuring CHIDDY BANG, SHWAYZE and more! AFTERSET with MIDNIGHT CONSPIRACY! facebook.com/illrockblockparty for more info!
Senior Bar Crawl FREE GRILLED CHEESE and Chips starting at 6pm with the purchase of any beverage
Katie Flynn Duo, 6pm - 8pm, No Cover! X-Krush, 10pm, $5
NFL DRAFT All Day! $3 Three Olives Vodka $3 Jameson $3 Rumplemintze $3.99 Pretzel Bites
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
BLACKHAWKS vs WILD $2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS! Every Liquor...Every Beer $2 $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings!
Sunday 5/11
Closed
Closed
Book your Next Party at Clybourne! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Monday 5/12
Mason Jar Monday $2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY! $1 Drink Specials! $2 Manolos Pizza specials!
$1 U CALL ITS $2 Voli Premium Vodka
Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
Tuesday 5/13
$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts *Not all Beers included* $2 Shot of the Week
$2 Real Long Islands! CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE: Early! Live comedy from some of CU's funniest! THE PIANO MAN BAND: Late! Playing all your favorites!
WINE NIGHT! $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Svedka Bottles $2 Bottles of Wine
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
4-10pm: $2.99 Cheeseburgers $2 WELLS Half Price Sharkbowls
Wednesday 5/14
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
JESSICA HERNANDEZ & THE DELTAS with THE 92s and A COOL HAND
$2 Long Islands $2 Wells $2 Bud Light Bottles
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Bud Mug Night! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!
Pop Culture Trivia Night Trivia is at 7:30pm
$1 Bud Light Drafts Half Price Appetizers 4pm-10pm
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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KAM'S
The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas
Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
Watch the Hawks on our 5 Brand New 70in TVs, Plus Our 2 Big Screens!
Friday and Saturday: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
SATURDAY! Senior Party with DJ Bassthoven $2 Bud Bottles Cover Only $2 for 21+
Wednesday 5/7
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
Budtastic: Open at Noon! $1.50 Bud Lt Bottles $3 3 Olives & Cuervo Drinks
Thursday 5/8
$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada
Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
$2 Bud Light (Drafts) $2 Captain $2 Jager Bombs
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Klub Kam’s DJ Jimmy Heilenbach, 10pm $2 Lite/Coors Lt Bottles $3 Blue Guys
Friday 5/9
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 10pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID
$3 Jim Beam, $3 Pinnacle $6 Summer Shandy Pitchers
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Kams Pint Glass Nite Watch the Hawks! $2 Lite & Coors Light Drafts $3 Pinnacle & Jim Beam Drinks, DJ Delicato Spinning
Saturday 5/10
Watch the Hawks at Guido's!
De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola
$6 Lunchbox Pitchers $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 American Harvest Derby on the Big Screen!
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Senior Party with DJ Bassthoven $2 Bud Bottles Cover Only $2 for 21+
Sunday 5/11
$5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
$11 Build Your Own Bucket (BYOB), $2 Jager Bombs $2 Don Q and Blackbeard
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Watch the Hawks! $2 U Call Its
Monday 5/12
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Cinco de MNJ! $2 Bud Platinum Bottles $2 Smirnoff Drinks/Shots $3 RBV with Smirnoff
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
$2 U Call Its
Tuesday 5/13
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Tequila Tuesday and 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moon $2 Cuervo featuring Cinge All 90s, All Night!
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Kickin Country Nite! Mason Jars are Back! $1 Coors & Coors Lt bottles $2 Bourbon Drinks, $2 Fireball Watch the Hawks!
Wednesday 5/14
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
Budtastic: Open 3pm $1.50 Bud Lt Bottles $4 3 Olives & Cuervo Drinks
If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page! The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3 Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
Win a pair BEATS Headphones this Reading Day!
SATURDAY! Open at Noon $2 Long Islands!
FRIDAY! $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
SATURDAY! 1/2 Off Apps 3-9PM, $3 Crown, Captain, and 3-Olive Drinks, $3 U-Call-It Wells & Drafts
SPECIAL NIGHT
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! Summer Shandy $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles, $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
$2 Sailor Jerry $2 Pinnacle Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!
Wednesday 5/7
Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
$2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints, $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Bacardi and Malibu Singles, $5 Jameson Doubles, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles
Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime
1/2 off Sandwiches after 4pm Das Boot! $3 Boot, $5 Fill All Drafts (except Guinness) $3 Jim, Jack and Soco, $2 Horse-Chata
Thursday 5/8
BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge
$3 Sam Adams Family Pints $2.50 Wild Turkey Singles $5 Skyy Doubles, $2.50 Cuervo & Blackbeard Shots $4 Jager Bombs
Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnetts Vodka BLACKHAWKS vs WILD 8:30pm
$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
1/2 Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM $2.50 Coronas $3.50 Bacardi Flavors
Friday 5/9
SOLO CUP SATURDAY! No Cover Charge
$2.50 Jameson Singles $5 Bacardi and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots $4 Jager Bombs
Open at Noon $2 Long Islands!
$2 U Call It $4 Pitchers
1/2 Off Apps 3-9PM, $3 Crown, Captain, and 3-Olive Drinks, $3 U-Call-It Wells & Drafts
Saturday 5/10
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
Trivia Starts @ 10pm! $2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Orchata and Dr McGillicuddy, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
Book Your Next Party at Red Lion! Contact Us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Closed Eat some chicken strips at Papa D's!
11am - 3pm: Rehab Breakfast $3 Bloody Mary's, $1 Domestics & Wells
Sunday 5/11
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $3 Blue Moon and Angry Orchard Pints, $2.50 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Singles, $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots
Monday Night Lion $1 WELLS, $2 Sailor Jerry $3 MEV's (Monster Energy & Vodka)
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
1/2 Off Burgers! $1 Wells, Domestic Drafts and Shots
Monday 5/12
$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
$4 Guinness, Smithwicks and Triptych Pints, $2.50 Blackbeard Rum and Jim Beam Singles, $2.50 Fireball and Orchata, $2 Old Style, PBR, Schlitz, Miller Lite Tall Boys
SENIOR NIGHT! Must be 21 to Enter! $2 Long Islands
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
$1 Tacos ALL DAY! $4 Bacardi Buckets $2 Drafts
Tuesday 5/13
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
$2 Sailor Jerry $2 Pinnacle Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!
Wednesday 5/14
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ON THE STREETS WHAT FASHION TREND WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE ON THE OTHER SEX? Helen, Junior
“High-waisted jean shorts.”
Rebecca, Junior
“Leather leggings.”
Netalie, Junior
“Crop tops.”
BARTENDERS of the WEEK
Dan of The Red Lion
Relationship Status: Strictly munching box Major: Anything to do with butts Favorite Drink: Amy Palmys Favorite Shot: CumChata What’s the weirdest drink order you’ve ever take?: Semen and Sprite Where the best place to hide in The Red Lion?: Ask Weldon and Ringel. How would bartending be easier if you didn’t have to wear pants?: It would be much easier to teabag the drinks. The Red Lion is haunted by the ghost of what?: The ghost of Red Lion Poop Girl What would a porno featuring your mom be titled?: The 8 Orgasms of Hanukkah What do you have most in common with Dog the Bounty Hunter?: Penis girth What’s the sexiest thing someone can do with five jars of mayonnaise?: 2 in the pink, 3 in the stink Is that an ugly face on your face, or are you just happy to see me?: I don’t know … but I do have a quarter chub. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: ‘Cause fuck The Daily Illini.
Shelly of Kam's
Relationship Status: Horny and hard to please Major: Friendzoning since ‘92 Favorite Drink: Vodka Powerade Favorite Shot: Demon Semen (Fireball/RumChata) Disgusting Drink: Anything from Cochrane Enterprises What’s the weirdest drink order you’ve ever take?: Large pepperoni pizza Where the best place to hide in KAM’S?: Fog on country night How would bartending be easier if you didn’t have to wear pants?: I could hide tips in nature’s pocket. KAM’S is haunted by the ghost of what?: Chief Illiniwek What would a porno featuring your mom be titled?: Cougar Strikes Again, my parents are 15 years apart. What do you have most in common with Dog the Bounty Hunter?: We have the same hairdresser. What’s the sexiest thing someone can do with five jars of mayonnaise?: Rub it all over my JJ’s sandwich while calling me “Big Mama.” Why should people read The Black Sheep?: 'Cause I’m in it, bitch.
RECIPE for DISASTER
DRINKING GAME Study Guide
Great Granola
Finals suck. We all know it, but luckily we found a way to make it more exciting. Add some booze. You’ve probably already thought of this, right?
With finals right around the corner you’ll be spending plenty of time in the library. With your bank account on empty, you’re not going to be able to grab a snack along the way. Make one to take with you.
What You’ll Need: Index cards, a marker, your favorite alcohol or beer, and shot glasses. Number of Players: As many as you want in your study group. Level of Intoxication: Sauced and studied. How to Play: - Make a set of flash cards for your exam (yes, there's actually studying involved in this game). - Once you’re done, shuffle the cards and pass them out evenly between the people in the group. - One person starts by reading the question on their top card aloud and stating what they think the answer is. The other people in the group say if they think that answer is right or wrong. - If the question reader got the answer right, they can give a shot out to anybody, but they should pick first among the people who said their answer was wrong. - If the question reader got the answer wrong, they have to take a shot themselves. - Keep going until you’ve gone through all the cards. The Game Ends When: Until you’ve mastered the entire course or drank so long you forgot you even had a final.
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What You’ll Need: 3 cups old-fashioned oats, 2 cups of coconut chips, ½ cup chopped pecans, ¼ cup brown sugar, 3 tablespoons canola oil, 3 tablespoons maple syrup, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, ¼ tablespoon salt Cook Time: 30 minutes Fatty Factor: Granola’s not as good for you as you think it is. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat oven to 325 degrees. -Toss the oats, coconut chips and pecans in a large bowl. -Mix the salt, brown sugar, maple syrup, canola oil and vanilla in another bowl. -Drizzle the sugar mixture over the oat mix. -Stir well to make sure the food is evenly mixed. -Speak out of a baking sheet and place in oven for 15 minutes, stirring the granola occasionally to cook it evenly. -Remove from oven. Remove the oats from the cooking tray and let them cool. Some serious study food for you to stress-eat as you look over your biology notes at 3 a.m. What’s a mitochondria anyway?
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
PAGE 17
BOOZE REVIEW SEAGRAM’S 7 STONE CHERRY FLAVORED WHISKEY GRADE: B WRITTEN BY: TEX MEX
It’s nearing the end of the line for this semester, compadres. Finals are about to be bombed, graduation slideshows highlighting the past four years of many a sorority girl are being cried to, and worst of all, our weekly “fun” budget has just ended for the season. Because our boss let us spend an exorbitant amount of money in preparation for the unspeakable acts that happened at this year’s Black Sheep initiation (incidents so heinously despicable that I can’t even bring myself to recall for fear of damaging my own repressed psyche), we only had enough cash on hand to give this dinky little bottle of whiskey a try. But like the Little Engine that Could, Seagram’s 7 Stone Cherry Whiskey was able to push us all the way up that mountain … and conveniently send us crashing down as well.
User Comments: “Well, it’s cheap enough. Good thing I’m doing homework anyway.” “But for real, look how cute this bottle is. If this could safely exit my hypothetical vagina, I’d be OK with having offspring.” “Pretty sure I first played 7 Minutes in Heaven because of this stuff.” “Wait … how are we finished with the booze already?.” Best Described as a Cross Between Two Completely Unrelated Public Figures: Stone Cold Steve Austin and a less shitty version of Buckcherry.
Smells Like: The zestiest lil’ mix of spicy, citrusy fruits having an incestuous hot tub party in a bite-sized bottle of whiskey.
What Author Arnold Munk Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “What in Sam Hill does my story of The Little Engine that Could have to do with liquor? Don’t you know that could get us both arrested, you confounded booze hounds?!?”
Tastes Like: The title says “stone cherry,” so we’re assuming that stone cherries do indeed exist and thus consequently taste like so. However, it’s still unclear whether or not the legendary “cherry stones” are still a myth.
Food Pairing Suggestions: Chips and dip, the last cheap-ass large pizza of the year, sobriety.
Typical Drinkers: Dad’s-liquor-cabinet fans who take a pass on his handles of Grey Goose for whatever reason, Stone “Cherry” Cold Steve Austin, people who find even shots of Fireball hard to guzzle down, The Black Sheep staff on a tighter budget than Illini Media.
You’ll Like This if You Like: Not wanting to blow a hole through your wallet for the weekend while accepting that the night might not go anywhere particularly extravagant – but dammit, that’s fine by you. We Mixed it With: Diet Coke, 7-UP.
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PAGE 18
IDIOT WAITS UNTIL END OF SEMESTER TO ASK GIRL OUT SQUIRREL MAN WROTE THIS
According to sources, freshman Mike Oxlong is expected to ask out his longtime crush at the end of the school year. Mike had first met his crush at the beginning of this semester, but being a natural procrastinator, he's put off the task of asking her out until the last possible minute. And now that summer is almost here, it’s time for Mike to “shit or get off the pot,” according to roommate John Gacy.
also sit strategically behind his crush, so that he can monitor her progress throughout the exam. Mike will then pace himself in such a way that he turns in the exam a minute before she does. Then, upon seeing her right outside of Foellinger, he will say to her, “Hey, I’ve been head over heels in love with you all semester. Will you go out to Wendy’s with me?” Mike claimed it’s the “most foolproof plan ever.”
“It’s true, I’ve had a crush on her for quite some time,” said Mike, confirming what many suspected to be true. “I’m a bit nervous about asking her out, to be honest, but I figure it’s now or never, you know? I’ve just got to go up to her and pretend I have a shot.”
The Black Sheep has been crunching some numbers on the matter and the likelihood of Mike's success is not good. Rumor has it that Mike’s crush already has a boyfriend – a boyfriend who goes to another school, granted, but a boyfriend nonetheless. Her long-distance relationship would undoubtedly present itself as an obstacle to Mike. Even more troubling, some eyewitness accounts claim that the crush views Mike as “just a friend.”
Mike met his crush on the first day of Econ 102. They happened to be sitting next to each other, and she asked him how to use the latest i<clicker. Mike, excited to finally receive a girl’s attention, fell instantly in love with her. Mike wanted to ask her out to Papa Del’s that Thursday night, but he “pussied out,” according to classmate Bret Samson. “Every week, I try to work up the courage to ask her out, but every Thursday, I think, ‘Fuck it, I’ll just do it next week.’ But not this week. If I don’t ask her now, I might never see her again,” stated Mike. “So, no pressure.” According to Mike, the plan goes as follows: He'll show up intoxicated on the day of his Econ 102 final, in order to have the confidence to pop the question. He'll
“Yeah, that guy seems pretty cool,” said the crush, when asked about Mike. “I only see him in class, but we talk sometimes. He’s alright, I guess. I don’t know. Why are you asking me about him? Does he like me or something?” Experts agree that Mike’s chances of a “yes” are slim-to-none. They’ve examined the data and conducted several experiments and concluded his odds were far better at the beginning of the semester, when asking her out would not have been so awkward or unexpected. But Mike remains determined to ask his crush on a date, and by extension, to embarrass himself.
PAGE 19
Professor Scraps ICES Forms, Society Crumbles DAN MIRABELLI WROTE THIS With the semester coming to a close, professors and TAs across campus have been passing out ICES forms for students to evaluate their teaching methods and classes. But Ralph Anderson, an economics professor, decided that he was tired of reading all the vague comments and decided that it would be easier for him and the students if he converted the ICES form to a public forum during class. Predictably, the results were disastrous. Anderson has yet to return to class and hasn’t been seen on campus for six days. After debating the pros and cons of the open forum for days, Anderson decided to finally pull the trigger at his 8 a.m. lecture last Wednesday. Comments started off pretty mundane, with the typical “too much homework” and “lectures don't keep my attention.” However things started to take a turn for the worst when a student stood up and said, “Why the fuck is this class an 8 a.m. lecture? I have better things to do than mindlessly press buttons on my i>Clicker and refresh Yik-Yak on my phone.” The rest of the class started clapping and hooting, and that's when Anderson realized he had made a huge mistake. “I had prepared myself for negative comments. I’d
be an idiot not to,” stated Anderson after he finally picked up his phone after ignoring seven calls put in by this intrepid reporter. “I guess I just figured that kids wouldn’t have the guts to actually say the mean things they always put on the ICES forms to my face.” As the onslaught of verbal attacks continued, a student stepped forward and proceeded to yell out: “I’m going to develop a week-long texting relationship with your mom, Doctor Anderson, and then out of nowhere turn on read receipts, read her text, and then NEVER RESPOND.” Students began screaming hysterically, and some even went to the nearby vending machines to get candy so they could snack during the show. “The comment about my mother stung, mostly because it seemed like that student had put a lot of time into thinking about how mean he would be to my elderly mother,” Anderson said, his lower lip quivering. “I’m her baby boy.” While most of the faculty is empathetic to Anderson, many are still confused as to why he kept calling on students to hear them tear him apart. “I’ve been asking myself the same question ever since the incident,” responded Anderson. “I guess I was just
waiting for somebody to say something positive, anything positive.” One student, Ken Blarney, stood up and said he thought that Anderson’s tests were fair; however, he was immediately silenced by the other students, dragged out of the lecture hall, and tossed down the stairs of Foellinger. Ken Blarney’s funeral will be May 8 in Evansville, Indiana. After about 15 minutes of being berated by students, Anderson dismissed his class. This didn’t stop the roast. Their shouts quickly came together in a unified chant: “Fuck you! Fuck you!” At this point,
Anderson had lost complete control of the class. There were students hanging from the second floor balcony, notebooks were thrown, the damages to the building are estimated to be in the thousands of dollars. Anderson fled the scene through a back door, and barely escaped as the students rushed the stage. Anderson claims he’s learned his lesson, and that in the future he'll be distributing ICES forms just like every other faculty member on campus. “I just wanted to mix it up, but my risk was definitely not worth the reward,” Anderson said. “I’m strongly debating taking a job at ISU because I don’t think that they could formulate insults as well as my current students.”
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Seven Summer Action Flicks...
...and How to Get Her to See Them. by: Brendan
Summer’s staring us in the face, and with it comes action movie seasons. Still, with the unpaid internship and the part-time job, most of your free time is spent with your ladyfriend, and she doesn’t care nearly as much as you do about things that go boom. That doesn’t mean you have to wait for these flicks to be made readily available online—small screens and grainy resolutions are no laughing matter. Use the arguments below, and you’ll be able to spend this summer exactly how you planned to spend it: In a dark, cold room talking to no one.
X-Men: Days of Future Past
Godzilla Starring: Bryan Cranston, Elizabeth Olsen, Ken Watanabe Release Date: May 16th Plot Summary: A big lizard shows up and decides it’s going to seriously wreck some shit. How to Get Her There: “You know I love your sense of activism, babe. And, like, when you were protesting the proliferation of nuclear power last semester—well, Godzilla is kind of like that! It’s basically about how we shouldn’t have nukes, and you agree with that, right? And to best convey your message, you need to connect to your audience, right? What better way to do that than to do it in an action movie? Exactly, we’ll check it out.”
edge of tomorrow Starring: Tom Cruise, Emily Blunt, Bill Paxton Release Date: June 6th Plot Summary: A soldier sent on a suicide mission dies, then wakes up alive to do the same thing all over again each day. How to Get Her There: “Baby, you love The Devil Wears Prada, right? Well, this has the same catty English lady in it! God, she came down so hard on Anne Hathaway’s outfits, right babe? Well, can you imagine what she’ll have to say about a bunch of metal exosuits and drab gray? That look was so WWII, right?”
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Transformers: Age of Extinction Starring: Kelsey Grammer, Mark Wahlberg, Peter Cullen, Stanley Tucci Release Date: June 27th Plot Summary: There’s robots and punching and humans and more punching and then some things explode. How to Get Her There: “Didn’t you say that Thomas kid you’re nannying for a few days a week is, like, really big into Transformers? Yeah, I mean, trust me, all little boys are also little shits—that is, until you get on their good side. Do you have any idea how much the little man will love you if you know who Optimus Prime is? Yeah, the big red semi-truck. Well, there’s more to him that that, my sweet. Like, did you know he’s from Cyberton? No, I’m with you, who cares about explosions? Think of it as like, summer homework.”
Jupiter Ascending Starring: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum Release Date: July 18th Plot Summary: A princess destined for greatness but working as a maid is visited by a genetically modified military man. How to Get Her There: “I mean, this is basically a Disney movie with real actors, and you’re always thinking out loud about which one of those gals you like best. One week it’s Jasmine and the next it’s Belle. Well, how about Jupiter? A disposed queen is a plot device fit for the mouse ears. Throw in a really sexy Channing Tatum as an anthropomorphized wolf thing, and we’re basically waiting for the musical break that sees Jupiter learn something about herself through song.”
Starring: Halle Berry, Hugh Jackman, Ian McKellen, James McAvoy, Jennifer Lawrence, Patrick Stewart, Michael Fassbender, Peter Dinklage Release Date: May 23rd Plot Summary: The X-Men battle through time against their own extinction in a world terrified of them. How to Get Her There: “I know you don’t really care about the XMen, darlin’, but name someone appearing in this movie that you don’t like. J-Law is a given, I remember you crying when she won her Oscar. You love little Tyrion, and he’s in this, and I saw a picture of your dorm room freshman year—you had a shirtless Fassbender picture, don’t even try to hide it!”
Starring: Andy Serkis, Gary Oldman, Judy Greer, Keri Russell Release Date: July 11th Plot Summary: A growing band of apes lead by Caesar is threatened by a group of humans ten years after a deadly virus is unleashed. How to Get Her There: “I know James Franco’s not in this one, honey, and I’m sorry, but this one still has a lot going for it. Think of it as a 2-hour anthropology class you can’t take for any credit. You get to see a new civilization rise, another fall, and how the two interact with one another as these events happen. So, it’s like those documentaries you always watch on Netflix, but with CGI monkeys. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
Guardians of the Galaxy Starring: Chris Pratt, Bradley Cooper, Zoe Saldana, Vin Diesel Release Date: August 1st Plot Summary: An adventurer, some aliens and a cursing raccoon traverse the galaxy trying to put a stop to an evil guy’s actions. How to Get Her There: “You know how I always say you so crazy? Well, this movie will be perfect for you, then. I mean, it really is crazy! There’s a tree guy who only says one word over and over again, but bae, get this…there’s a crazy raccoon voiced by Bradley Cooper and he fires guns and I promise you it’ll be so funny. You have a great sense of humor, too, so I totally think you’ll get this. Ah, I’m so lucky to be with you, babe, let’s go watch a raccoon fire some guns.”
FIND YOUR FRIGGIN’ 10-PAGE PAPER!
You woke up late and need to turn your paper in on time, but there’s 10 pages scattered around the room... oh no! Well what are you waiting for, go on and find ‘em!
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ENGINEERING SENIOR CHANGES MAJOR TO ART HISTORY SAMMIE SEA WROTE THIS
It’s no secret that the University of Illinois has one of the most competitive engineering programs in the nation. Each year, students flock from all ends of the globe to learn under some of the most skilled professors, consistently pushing themselves to be the very best. There is, however, always a black sheep of the group, one person who strays off course and finds himself distanced from the beaten path of engineering. Steven Jenks, a senior majoring in electrical engineering, considers himself the outcast of his graduating class after making a life-changing decision upon returning from his study abroad trip. For the past four years, Jenks has consistently remained at the top of his class with a 3.99 GPA along with his 169 GRE score. He also established himself as the head undergraduate in nanotechnology and quantum devices research. With his pick of any graduate college, some would say that Jenks “had it all.”That’s why it came as such as shock when Jenks announced that he would not be graduating in May, but rather switching his major to art history with a minor in art and design. Jenks stated his decision came about suddenly during his study abroad trip to Europe when he stayed in the heart of Paris, France. “My advisor suggested the trip as a way for me to relax before graduate school,” Jenks informed report-
ers early last week. “I wanted to study somewhere where I could continue my research, but she felt that I was too uptight and needed to break away from it for a few months.” Reluctant to leave behind years of work for the art capital of the world, Jenks was all but enthusiastic about his semester. While most students use studying abroad to enhance and facilitate advanced learning within their major, advisors opted to restrict the senior from engineering courses in order to make him a more well-rounded candidate for graduate programs and future careers. In an interview about his study abroad experience to be published for future study abroad prospects, Jenks stated: “The only class I was willing to take was 'Exploring the Louvre,' because there were at least some structural elements to the museum that I could examine to keep my mind sharp. Each day, we set out on a tour and focused on the history of a few art pieces. I can’t say I was all that impressed at first, especially with the Mona Lisa; she’s nothing but hype. But then I came across the Winged Victory of Samothrace and it felt as though my soul had been inspired. I realized that I had been entrenching myself in engineering because I longed to feel a sense of importance within it. Immediately, I knew that I had made a horrible, horrible mistake. I could no
longer continue to pursue electrical engineering.”
phy, theater, music, and of course, art and design.
Since Jenks’ scandalous announcement, the UIUC engineering community had been in complete shock. Over the past few weeks, engineering professors have reported a significant drop in morale and grades as students are beginning to doubt their own passions for engineering. While many students have convinced themselves that four years of unforgiving hard work is worth it, others are electing to get out before it is too late. Over 23 percent of engineering majors in all departments have reportedly switched into different majors including philoso-
Unfortunately, many of the remaining engineering students are those who fall on the lower end of the bell curve. The sharp decline in academically competent students within the College of Engineering has caused the University of Illinois to lose its top national rankings. In response to single-handedly destroying an entire college, Jenks commented: “It’s better to change for what you love rather than to go through the rest of your life wishing you had. Besides, what senior doesn’t want to go back and do it all over again?”
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