The Black Sheep
Brought to you by
fre abo e...lik e ut to b how e s o yo u , so are soo n.
The Booze News
Vol. 23, Issue 16
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
12/11/13 - 12/18/13
A Champaign Carol By: Kitty Kat Allison Moseby sat alone in her apartment bedroom, staring at her computer screen. It was Reading Day Eve, around 8 p.m., and she had no intentions of going out that night. With four upcoming finals, Allison planned on getting ahead by pulling an unnecessary all-nighter fueled by Rockstar energy drinks and Chopstix takeout. She could hear her roommates out in the living room singing along to Miley Cyrus and pouring their fourth or fifth round of cranberry vodkas. Allison got up from her desk, shut the door and noticed her phone was ringing as she walked back across the room.
and hung up the phone to get some reading done before he arrived.
“Hey baby! What are you doing?” her boyfriend, Kyle, asked from the other side of the phone.
Allison was terrified, to say the least, but only let out a small whimper of fear as a dark, shadowy figure slowly walked toward her from the opposite end of the alley. She backed up as far as she could against the brick wall of her building until the cloaked figure was standing over her.
“About to start studying for accounting. How about you?” “Wait … studying? You aren’t going out?” “No, I really shouldn’t…” “But, it’s Reading Day Eve. Everyone’s going out! We’re going to Brother’s soon and…” “Oh, so you don’t want to stay in with me?” Kyle stopped and sighed. He knew by the end of the conversation he would be agreeing to stay in that night with her— like he does every once in a while when she goes on one of her stubborn streaks. They chatted for a few more minutes, with Kyle begging and Allison refusing, and Kyle insisting that he receive at least a 5-minute blowjob if he came over instead of drinking with his friends. Allison agreed
As she opened her textbook, a gust of wind rushed through her window. “What the hell?” Allison mumbled as pages ruffled in the winter breeze. She walked to her window and was surprised to see that it was slightly cracked. As she grabbed the frame to pull it back down, the gust of wind came again—so powerful it opened the window entirely and sucked Allison from her bedroom, tossing her delicately onto the snow bank below.
In fact, the figure wasn’t wearing a cloak at all. Instead it was a long, black North Face jacket. Allison scanned the person up and down and noticed dark brown Uggs over black leggings, soft black mittens with tiny rhinestones, an authentic Burberry scarf, and golden blonde hair blowing slowly in the chilly night air. “Who … who are you?” Allison stuttered. The person smiled—a beautiful, pearly white smile—and pulled down the hood of the North Face. “Your savior,” she said. “What?” “I’m Katie,” she said, with an outstretched hand. Allison grabbed it and carefully got
to her feet. “I’m the ghost of Champaign past, present and future, and it’s my job to show you how much of a Debbie Downer you’ve been these past four years.”
to notice me. So, let’s get going.”
and tote bags.
“Aren’t there supposed to be three ghosts?”
“Rush,” Allison said quietly.
Allison laughed, confused. “Wait? Seriously? What is this? Some Christmas Carol shit?”
“Yeah, but they’re already out at Kam’s. I got stuck with this shift. But don’t worry, I’ll meet them later. Plus, I pregamed this. Let’s go.”
“Calm down, honey. I have better things to do than bring your sorry ass around tonight. We’re having an exchange with Pikes and Jim is going to be there. I’ve been doing 10 extra minutes each day on the elliptical this week just to get him
And with that, Katie grabbed Allison’s arm, and both girls disappeared into a cloud of smoke. Within seconds they were standing in front of Kappa Delta in a swarm of giddy girls in matching shirts
“Exactly! Remember when you rushed freshman year, Allison?” Katie asked. Allison stared at the ground, embarrassed. “None of the houses really liked me.” “Of course they didn’t. You wore a superugly dress on first invite and had a stick up your ass the whole time. You didn’t even laugh at our skit! And we worked, like, really hard on that.” continued on page 19
page 7 Catholic Student Forgets How to be Catholic
page 9 Top Ten Hairstyles We Want John Groce to Try
page 23 Ryan Gosling Retires from Pointless, Sexy Memes
Tries to brush up before family's Christmas mass tradition.
The bald thing is getting a little old, guy.
Female final exam scores expected to plummet without Gosling's motivation.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UIUC • theblacksheeponline.com
Kam’s New Years Eve DOORS OPEN AT 7pm • GATEKRASHERS SPINNING ALL NIGHT
EARLY BIRD TICKETS STARTING AT $10, GOING UP TO $20 AS WE SELL OUT TICKET INCLUDES: PARTY FAVORS, APPS, FREE SODA, COAT CHECK, CHAMPAGNE TOAST (21+) & MORE! s l a i c e p S Drink
BUY YOUR TICKETS ONLINE! KAMS.BROWNPAPERTICKETS.COM
$1 U CALL IT WELLS & DRAFTS $2 U CALL IT CALLS, PREMIUMS, PREMIUM BOTTLES AND BLUE GUYS $2 SHOTS OF JAGER, FIREBALL, RUMPLEMINZ & RUMCHATA
KAM’S
FOLLOW US ON TWITTER! @KAMSILLINI 618 E. Daniel St., Champaign • 217.337.3300 • kamsillini.com
>> Managing editor Katelyn Lilly
Meet the Staff << Marketing TEAM Sam Oberholtzer, Kelly Cerf Lillie Kase, Jessica Nianick Peter Caruso, Colin Lateano
Copy Editors Sean Neumann, Austin Gomez Advertising Managers Megan Hambleton, Megan Rivera
campus director Brendan Bonham
Writers Katelyn Lilly, Sean Neumann Austin Gomez, Becky Jacobs Grace Haka, Richie Owens Sam Dewey, Sam Caravette Scott Gantner, Mike Benson Brian Barsotti, Patrick Filbin Dan Mirabelli, Hannah Bollman
owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390-1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900 Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com
Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
Follow us! @blacksheep_UIUC â&#x20AC;˘ theblacksheeponline.com
Tweet Us @BlackSHeep_UIUC
#goodtimes Word
Kitty Kat, So we have a pretty long time at home during Christmas break, and my parents want me to get a job so I’m not just sitting on my ass all day. Any suggestions as to where I should apply? Better yet—any suggestions of “productive” things I can do instead? Thanks, Unwilling to Work Dear Smart Guy, Yeah, there’s no way you should be worried about working over break. Isn’t the rest of the school year stressful enough? Take this time to relax! But if you’re in a bind and need some serious cash for Christmas gifts and next semester’s cover charges, it shouldn’t be that hard to pick up a position at a mall or K-Mart nearby. Retail places are always swamped during the holidays and love a little extra help. But let’s be real, you’re not really going to apply anywhere. You’re gonna get home the first day of break and not get up from the couch until the start of second semester. And that’s okay. But here are a few things you can do while on the couch that will make it seem like you got a lot done over break. - Apply for summer internships. You can literally just surf the Internet all day and upload your resume wherever you please. Even if you spend more time on Reddit than anything else, no one needs to know that. - See how many bags of popcorn you can eat in one sitting. Popcorn isn’t a super caloric food, unless you get the extra-mega-double-butter brand, so eating it in bulk won’t hurt you at all. - Learn yoga. It’s just a bunch of breathing and stretching and moaning—almost like a combination of napping and sex. Doing that all of break wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. - Relive your childhood. There’s nothing good on TV during the day, unless you’re still into cartoons with talking animals and giant numbers and letters dancing on the screen. Make yourself feel like a kid again with an all-morning binge of Cartoon Network. Maybe eat some fruit snacks while you’re at it too.
Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UIUC
Bravadough
of the
An increased sense of self-worth directly correlated to one’s increased self-worth. “When Greg got $70 for that econ text book his bravadough went so far through the roof he bought a table of strange women a round of shots.”
Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UIUC First right answer wins a prize! Last Week’s Answer: Purdue Pete
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UIUC and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
Have fun, Kitty Kat
have a question? Tweet us @BlackSheep_UIUC
White “football” icon meets black football icon, last quarterbacked for the Vikings. Last Week’s Answer: John Watership Down
download our free iphone and android app
RA Ron: A Story About Finals By: Ben Bacardi “It’s time to get psyched up guys!” These were the first words that my freshman RA said to us at our floor meeting the week before finals. His name was Ron, and he was very enthusiastic about his job and his residents. He was well known for his over-the-top demonstrations and unmatched creativity when it came to providing his residents with education and entertainment. For example: During cold and flu season, Ron showed us all how important getting a flu shot was by giving himself one even though he has no formal training in medicine. He was out for a week, because he did it wrong. A doctor told him he could have died. Ron was also really into haunted houses and scary movies, so he pretty much always had Halloween sound effect CDs playing in his room with a bucket of candy for visitors outside his door. He even decorated our entire floor Halloween-style when we moved in. He had everything—corn syrup blood dripping down our room walls, a “Get Out!” warning
scrawled on the bathroom mirrors, and rubber bats covering everyone’s door. The works. You could say he was very … passionate.
going to be.” Ron shot himself in the foot and fell to the floor, writhing in pain. Many of the residents started screaming. One of them even passed out.
One day he really wanted us to take him seriously, so with finals coming up we were all prepared for the worst when he called a floor meeting and supplied us with Gumby’s Pokey Stix.
“Are you insane?” my roommate shouted at Ron. He was bleeding everywhere and grasping at a non-existent figure in front of him. “Finals are nothing like shooting yourself in the goddamn foot!” The rest of our floormates agreed as Ron slowly pulled himself up and sat against the wall. We could all tell that he was in tremendous pain, from his heavy breathing and profuse coughing spurts.
“You guys are freshmen,” Ron said. “You don’t know just how hard finals can be. You will be pushed to the limits. You'll learn a new definition of the word ‘stressed.' You’ll consume so much coffee that you’ll start seeing ghosts and shit for hours on the toilet. I know you guys can get through it though, because you’re the best damn residents a guy could ask for.” Then Ron pulled out a gun, a nail, and a hammer and placed them down at his feet, allowing a moment of silence for us to take it all in. “If you guys think that finals are tough,” Ron said as he lifted the gun, “I want you to think about how tough this is
“You’re right,” Ron said weakly to my roommate. “Finals are nothing like shooting yourself in the foot.” He paused and struggled to lift the hammer with his right hand and the nail with the other. “It’s more like this.” Ron put the nail to his scrotum and hammered it down. The nail pierced the skin, the testicle, the skin again and finally the floor. The noise it made sounded like popping an egg-sized
zit. The sight of him being stuck there to the floor, blood squirting about, made myself and three other guys on my floor vomit. Or maybe it was the Pokey Stix. Ron screamed at the top of his lungs, squeezing hard on his thighs and trying to shake off the pain. “If I can,” Ron muttered, vomiting blood, “nail my balls to the floor ... you … you guys can pass your finals!” He proceeded to pass out as people from all around the dorm were coming to check out what all of the commotion was about. Ambulances came soon after.
As the EMTs tried to rip Ron from the floor, he returned from his coma briefly to mutter one last word of advice. “Don’t be intimidated by things that could scare you,” Ron said with a bloody crotch. “You can do whatever you put your mind to.” Unfortunately for Ron, most of us were too traumatized to even think about finals. Two of the residents dropped out, we heard one went insane. I’m not really sure what he was thinking, or what made him to go to such extreme lengths to motivate his students, but one thing is for damn sure: he really cared.
NEW YEAR’S EVE RESOLUTIONS
look, lease & get a
$100 GIFT CARD FOR THE FIRST 100 PEOPLE TO SIGN A LEA SE*
apply today for fall 2014 GRAB EARLY BIRD TICKETS WHILE THEY LAST AT JOESBREWERY.COM TICKETS START AT $25, GROUPS DEALS AVAILABLE. 19 TO ENTER, 21 TO DRINK 706 S. 5TH STREET | JOESBREWERY.COM
CampustownRentals.com | 309 E. Green Suite 103 | 217.366.3500 *offer applies to 101 E. Green (3 & 4 bedrooms only), 207 E. Green, 309 & 311 E. Daniel See office for details. Limited time only. While supplies last.
download our free iphone and android app
Student Concerned Over Roommate Buying Too Many Christmas Lights By: Jupiter Stevens Mike Cane made his ninth trip to Walgreens this past weekend to purchase more Christmas lights for the holiday season. Cane's roommates claim that his overwhelmingly strong desire to put Christmas lights on things has become “borderline obsessive” and “fucking creepy.” Johnny Mitchell, Cane's current roommate and longtime friend, said Cane first began stocking up on lights in early October. “I think once he realized Halloween was approaching, Christmas was right around the corner,” Mitchell said. “I'd catch him
humming Christmas songs all day.” So far, Cane has hung lights on both of his Christmas trees, all of their kitchen appliances and on his bed. “I can't believe he doesn't have them hanging out of his backpack yet,” Mitchell said. “He has enough to light up the whole campus.” Before Thanksgiving, Mitchell found Cane trying to cook a turkey with lights wrapped around its legs and had to stop him from putting it in the oven. “He was ferociously sobbing, screaming that the turkey needed to be happy and that Thanksgiving needed to be more happy,” Mitchell said. “It's getting real fucking weird.” Cane claimed he was only trying to “bring some cheer to an otherwise bleak holiday.” “What, do you people hate fun?” Cane yelled at the top of his lungs, bundles of Christmas lights in hand. “Did Jesus die for us to just be boring and miserable?” Cane then began rolling on the ground, tangling himself in ropes of lights and crying. “It's getting out of hand,” Mitchell said. “There's definitely something more going on that he's not telling us.” After his breakdown, Cane was seen running down Green Street toward Walgreens where witnesses say he purchased three more bundles of lights.
Ron Zook Recruits Scheelhaase to Work at Bank By: Jupiter Stevens A spokesperson for Gateway Bank of Florida confirmed Wednesday that Nathan Scheelhaase has signed a two-year deal to work at the state-wide bank. Reports say former Illini Head Football Coach Ron Zook pulled some strings to get Scheelhaase to sport the Gateway Bank polo next season. “I recruited him before, and I recruited him again,” Zook bragged. “Suck on that, Beckman.” Questions concerning Scheelhaase's future began after the Illini football team's 37-34 loss to Northwestern, which ended its season and brought an end to Scheelhaase's college football career. ESPN.com reported the red-shirt senior was bound to join Burger King, and the speculation was that Scheelhaase was set to work at the Rockhurst branch in his home state of Missouri. “This was just a shocking twist,” Lou Holtz, ESPN College Gameday analyst said. “We all saw fast food in his future.” Zook believes Scheelhaase will be able to smoothly transition to his new work place, but the quarterback said he's nervous about the new responsibilities he'll be in charge of at the bank. “There's a lot of stuff I have to learn,” Scheelhaase worried. “I mean, to be honest, the only math I can do anymore is counting down from 40 before the
play clock runs out.” Zook's boss, Ronald Winston, said he's concerned that the former coach recruited Scheelhaase just to have someone to mess around with during long workdays. Winston's concerns began after Zook's interview with Scheelhaase consisted of tossing a ball back-and-forth over his desk and watching old game film from 2011. “Did you see that play call?” Zook yelled to Scheelhaase. “Man, they made a mistake with Beckman.” Scheelhaase will begin work in June, following this spring's graduation.
Follow us on twitter @BlackSheep_UIUC
Catholic Student Forgets How to be Catholic By: Lou Sanus
After months of skipping out on church, Judgment Day has come for freshman Tony Corleone. Due to his Saturday nights drinking past 2 a.m., Corleone hasn’t dragged himself out of bed to go to Sunday Mass since the first weekend of school. But with winter break approaching and the family tradition of Christmas Mass that comes along with it, Corleone is beginning to realize how much of a mess he's created for himself.
has never touched the liquor, and he has a purity ring that he wears to show he’s waiting until marriage,” she said, glowing with pride. “He’s my little angel.”
“Two weeks ago, I decided to go to Mass to make sure that I still had everything down,” Corleone said. Unfortunately Corleone “couldn’t even find the fuckin’ church,” so he gave up and put it off until the following week. After locating the nearest church and following the directions on his phone, he finally reached his destination last Sunday morning. Corleone’s troubles only got worse from there.
There is a lot of emphasis placed on church in Corleone’s home. “There’s a crucifix hanging above my bed at home. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to sleep with it staring at me after all the messed up shit I’ve done this semester.”
“I was standing and kneeling at the wrong times, couldn’t remember a single creed, shit I even forgot the Lord’s Prayer,” Corleone said dejectedly. “I had that memorized before I could even read.” After lying to his parents about attending 8 a.m. Mass every Sunday and a Bible study every Thursday night, Corleone’s web of deceit will quickly unravel after messing up when saying “Lord hear our prayer” in front of them four times. “The only thing I’ve been studying on Thursday nights is the inside of a toilet bowl,” commented Corleone in response to being asked if he had ever attended Bible study. Mr. and Mrs. Corleone have no doubt their son has been attending church and confession, albeit according to his mother he doesn’t have much to confess. “My little Tony
When we told Corleone what his mother thought of him, he responded with, “Well, I titty fucked a girl last week, but that’s not technically intercourse right? And I think I lost that ring inside some stranger a couple months ago.”
Going to church is not all that goes into being Catholic, so we needed to figure out a way to establish how far Corleone had fallen from grace. We decided to put Corleone through a test to determine how much ground he had to make up before his day of reckoning at Christmas Mass. After the first three questions, we had to remind him that “Jesus” is not the correct answer to every single question about Catholicism. However, when he answered the question, “What are the Ten Commandments” with “Jesus Christ,” we decided to just give up. There are still a couple weeks until Christmas comes knocking, so there is still hope for Corleone. He'll be spending the coming time with his nose in the Bible and attending multiple Masses over the weekend in a desperate attempt to cram before returning home. But if there are good bar specials, Corleone claims he “may end up with his nose in some poontang instead.”
NOW LEASING FOR FALL 2014 LMOCUALTTIIOPLNES! 1,2,3,4 AND 5 BEDROOM APARTMENTS ON CAMPUS 2-10 BEDROOM HOUSES AVAILABLE
SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT TODAY! GREENSTREALTY.COM • 217-356-8750
download our free iphone and android app
Santa’s Workshop Shutdown By: Sammie sea This year will truly be a lost holiday season, as government officials have announced the cancellation of Christmas until further notice. Calling the scene “horrific” and “cruel,” investigators confirmed reports that Santa’s Workshop, as well as the rest of the North Pole, will be shut down this holiday season due to child labor law violations. According to police, an anonymous tip led investigators to the almost 200-year-old operation revealing hundreds of children, most of who had been reported missing, packed into the factory, endlessly assembling toys. Reports indicate that upon entering the facility, officials spotted workshop owner and main suspect Kris Kringle attempting to flee out the back door to his reindeeroperated sleigh. The suspect was apprehended at the edge of the Candy Cane Forest after officials shot and killed several reindeer to prevent the sleigh from becoming airborne.
“In any corporation raid, our goal is to seize the property as safely as possible,” stated Chief Investigator John Kapski. “Unfortunately during this particular bust, fatalities were incurred in order to detain the suspect.” Gingerbread County coroner Jingles Jangle has identified the victims as Dancer and Vixen. According to Jangle, both died from multiple gunshot wounds to the abdomen and head. Two other reindeer, Comet and Cupid, sustained severe injuries and were transported to the Snowflake Infirmary where they remain in critical condition. According to sources, Kringle had been operating a child labordriven company for the past 20 years due to the dramatic inflation in the average number of presents per child each Christmas. After the devastating Elf Shortage of 1993, Kringle began recruiting naughty children as laborers for the workshop during the year in
order to increase productivity. “He just couldn’t keep up anymore,” replied the wife of Kringle, Mrs. “Claus” Kringle. “With increasing demands and a decrease in coalgiving effectiveness, he needed a way to reprimand the naughty children. Making them work for their gifts just got out of hand.”
cookies. The lack of a nutritional diet led to many health problems including stunted growth, giving the children an “elfish” appearance. During a press conference, shareholders of Holly & Jolly Corp., the corporation under which Santa’s Workshop is managed, released the following statement:
Kringle, who goes by many aliases including St. Nick, Father Christmas and Santa Claus, was under investigation by the Feds during 1996 after a multitude of missing children reports surfaced during the Christmas season. Kringle was able to evade officials from investigating the workshop on the grounds that any delay in production could cause a crash in the Christmastime economy.
The accusations directed towards corporation owner and CEO Kris Kringle are very serious. We ask that investigators please use discretion before releasing any news to the public as faulty information can be harmful to the face of our corporation. Mr. Kringle will be cooperating with authorities in order to resume the Christmas season as soon as possible. No other statements will be made at this time.
Investigators report that children were kept in cramped quarters, sharing a room with as many as 15 other individuals. Each day consisted of 18-hour workdays with one 15-minute lunch break consisting of only milk and
Many of Kringle’s sponsors, including Macy’s and Coca-Cola, have dropped the jolly old man in light of this developing story. “Until the matter is resolved, my clients have decided to
cease endorsement of Holly & Jolly Corp. as well as Mr. Kringle himself in order to avoid any further defamation,” stated joint company lawyer, Sue Yoo. The defamation of each company refers to the Macy’s boycotts of 2006 after the corporation took over Marshall Field’s as well as the public exposure of past cocaine use in bottles of Coke. Friends of Kringle, including notable figures such as Frosty the Snowman, Snow Miser and
Jack Frost, have been gathering at the North Pole in support of Mrs. Claus. “I can’t say that I’m not happy there won’t be a Christmas this year,” stated longtime enemy of Kringle, the Grinch. “I just sympathize with the Claus family. This could all just be a big misunderstanding.” Kris Kringle is currently being held in the Mistletoe State Prison on a $1 million bond. The investigation is ongoing.
Overzealous Freshman Still Has Surplus of Condoms
The
Top
Ten
Hairstyles We Want John Groce to Try Out
By: Katelyn and Brendan It’s officially winter and a bit too cold to be walking around outside without any hair on your head. While the rest of us get by with a scarf and mittens, bald folk like our very own Coach John Groce suffer constant brain freeze like they just chugged a swimming pool-sized Slurpee. Here are our top 10 suggestions for a new Groce hairstyle, should you feel like giving him a wig for Christmas. 10.) George Washington Powdered Wig: Nothing says “leader” like the hairstyle of the most influential man in our country’s history—and no, not MLK, because he was pretty much bald too. And because it’s a wig, Groce can choose to put it on only for special occasions, like press conferences or his son’s karate tournaments. Toss in one of those tricorn hats for a classier, regal look on date night with the wife. 9.) Miley Cyrus Mini-Buns: If he wants to get people talking, this is the hairstyle to go for. Who knows, it could end up producing some great PR for the basketball team. Maybe some new sponsors, more fans at games, or recruits actually wanting to come here instead of bashing our school on national TV (*cough* Cliff ). 8.) The “Bart Simpson”: We have a feeling Groce is the type of guy who would be into the forwardthinking, really freaky trend of saline injections for body art. That’s all he needs to create Bart’s signature hair spikes. That and a bucket of paint and a yellow shower cap.
By: Strawberry Shortcock At the beginning of this semester, The Black Sheep interviewed our eager and sexually frustrated freshman friend Tom Zalesny about the hoard of condoms he was buying in anticipation of what he termed the “juiciest semester in twat-mowing history.” The original article that featured the dry-humping false-starter’s story quickly went viral—outdone only by a leaked video of the members of One Direction twerking on each other's members until it landed at the steps of the Internet Hall of Shame. The Black Sheep decided to catch up with Zalesny in order to update our readers on the condition of his virginity and the growing size of his illustrious condom reserve. The Black Sheep: So, Tom, you know we have to ask - how many tunas have you speared this semester? Tom Zalesny: I’m not really familiar with that euphemism, but if you mean how many times I’ve had sex— well, I'm still a virgin, guys. I can’t fucking believe it. Four months in and I still haven’t gotten anything in. Not even a pinky finger. TBS: Sorry, man. We're shocked to hear that. You were so confident last time around that we figured you’d practically be a porn star by this time in the semester. You know what they say—confidence is the most important thing in picking up ladies. What happened? TZ: I know, I know. I fucking blew it. The first couple weeks I was a little off my game and then it was midterms. Before I knew it, everyone was fucking everyone else, and there was no one left for me. TBS: If we understand you correctly, you’re saying that in a semester of actively trying to hand out your v-card, you scored even less than our football team. Did you come close at all? TZ: I came really close! One time at the ARC, this chick saw the outline of my package and raised her eyebrows, probably from amazement. Another time I accidentally palmed my TA’s boob when I was putting on my backpack. I even made out with a girl at a frat party once, but I don’t like to think about it because she puked in my mouth a bit.
TBS: That’s rough, bud. How many condoms have you stocked up on? TZ: You see that dresser? I never even unpacked my clothes. It’s chock-full of every flavor and texture of rubber you can imagine, and then some. TBS: And they’re all left? You haven’t used a single one? TZ: I’ve used plenty of my condoms, actually. I’m down about a pack or two. You know, for balloons, water balloons, maple syrup balloons or just jackin’ off with my buddies. No—not like that. I meant jackin’ around—like messing around, like ”I love messing around with my male dorm mates.” No! That’s—that’s not what I meant. I mean, there was that one time after we had too much UV Blue, but—are you writing this down? Stop writing this down.
7). A Lion’s Mane: It’s a bit more of a commitment, but with a strict shampoo, conditioner and prenatal vitamin ritual, Groce could rock this style within the next year. Our suggestion is to grow it out so long that it’s hard to tell where the hair ends and the beard begins. It’s cozy and mysterious—women love that sort of shit. The only issue being the extreme mane-tenance. 6.) Katniss Everdeen Braid: The ultimate sign of beauty, confidence and power. It’s kind of like a penis, except you can wear it on your head and people actually want to look at it. Every guy would agree that he could use another dick, and anything Hunger Games related is very “in” right now. 5.) Dreadlocks: The bald look screams discipline, authoritarian, sensibility. Just let go a little bit, John. Just, like, really try to chill out, bro. Just get crunchy with a little bit of the green and let’s all do the weave drill for like, six hours, man. 4.)The Elvis Greaser Look: Though we’re sure Mrs. Groce finds Ole’ Johnny Boy a hunk’a hunk’a burnin’ love, we sincerely doubt much of the student body sees him as a sex object. With this rockin’ style, ESPN won’t be able to show him below the waist when televising our games.
TBS: You’re handling all this pretty well. Last time, you blamed the girls at your high school for not being “hot or slutty” enough. TZ: You know, it really is my fault. I made a ton of rookie mistakes. I turned down a ticket to barn dance because I had a two-page paper due five days later. It’s not the girls at all, it’s me. But all that’s going to change. TBS: What’s the plan for next semester? TZ: Rush. TBS: Do you have a backup plan? TZ: Why would I need a backup plan? I’m going to toss all my old voodoo condoms in the trash, because they’re clearly cursed. I asked my mom for about 80 pounds of nothing but rubber for Christmas. I’m just hoping she doesn’t buy me new car tires by mistake. I can’t fuck shit with car tires. Then, first thing next semester I’m rushing the king frats. Once I’m in, it’ll be really hard to screw up. Just about impossible. TBS: Thanks for talking with us again, Tom. We always enjoy our chats. TZ: Yeah, me too. Can you do me a favor this time? Will you run a sexy picture of me holding up my phone number this time? I’m not desperate, but maybe one of your readers is. Please, God, maybe one of your readers is.
3.) Jew-Fro: Sure, Johnny G. may not be of the Hebrew persuasion, but that doesn’t mean he can’t rock the white guy afro like it's 2099 (B.C.). When (okay, if ) there’s reason for him to be cutting down those nets, it’ll be the most exciting Hora dance anyone’s ever seen. 2.) (Gold Teeth and) French Braids: It’s been long stated that if Illinois basketball is to thrive, it needs to do a better job recruiting in the Chicagoland area. What better way to engender himself to the South Side’s youth than by rocking a ‘do sported by one of the top youth pop culture icons: A$AP Rocky? 1.) A Perm: When you’re home for break dig around and look for some pictures of your mom from the early eighties. See that hilariously misguided excuse for a haircut? That is a perm. Coincidentally, best we can tell 1983 was the last year Groce had anything resembling a ‘do, so let’s see him wax nostalgic back when the Russians were commies and pornography was hidden between mattresses.
09
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
Seasons Greetings ! y il m a F y e n d o R e h t m o r f By: Mama Rodney Another year has come and gone, friends! The Rodney family has most certainly had a year of wonderful success but not without a few little bumps in the road. As you may have heard, Dave’s mother Susan has moved in with us. It is an unbelievable joy for me to have my lovely mother-in-law in the house, and the kids are so grateful to spend more time with their grandmother. Of course, this meant that our family was forced to say goodbye to our beloved dog Shoopy, but luckily his unconditionally loving presence has been replaced with the stiff coldness of an 83-yearold hag mover and shaker! Susan is truly a blessing. I feel honored to cook and clean for her and feel that her constant, nagging “constructive criticism” has only helped me improve myself. You may remember form last year’s holiday letter that our oldest, Maggie,
had decided to study English at NYU. This past year, she decided (quite out of the blue, if you ask me) to drop out and become an “artist/activist.” Dave and I actually did not find this out until we purchased plane tickets, flew all the way to New York, and were told that she was no longer enrolled there. Surprise! Kids these days, eh? Anyway, Maggie now lives in New York with two roommates: a bearded and tattooed man and a young woman with several facial piercings. Maggie claims to be in a relationship with both of them. They all seem like very nice people. As for her activism, Maggie is not exactly sure what she’s fighting for but knows she is fighting The Man. As I said, kids these days! She has always been so headstrong! Brendan, on the other hand, is now a sophomore in high school! He doesn’t enjoy school too much, but that’s a 16-year-old for ya. His hobbies include
“fuckin’ shit up” and “fishing” with his buddies, (which is interesting because I don’t think he owns a fishing pole). He’s actually taken to wearing outfits that consist mainly of camouflage or American and Confederate-themed clothing. You may be wondering if our family has relocated to a southern state; we actually still live the in the Chicago suburbs. Brendan just loves the “country” lifestyle, though. He was just telling Dave and I the other day that he already has a list of guns he wants to buy when he’s an adult. And to think just a couple of years ago he was telling us about his dreams to be an astrophysicist. Ha! Boy, time sure does fly! You may notice that I’ve enclosed two photos with this letter. The first is our annual Thanksgiving family ski trip. We didn’t manage to get one of just the family, so Maggie’s two “friends” made their way into the photo as well. Also,
we apologize for the thumb covering Dave’s face. Susan, our ancient bag of bones, doesn’t know how to work a camera, an incredibly basic piece of technology. She had baby pictures of David for Christ’s sake. Once again, only joking about Susan! Her insufferably bad attitude is a blessing, really. The second photo is Dave and I on a couple’s cruise we took this summer. Unfortunately, we booked the cruise before he lost his job and were unable to cancel it. I was so happy to just get away from it all for a while, with an unemployed man who actually gained weight after gastric bypass. Ah, well.
Bonded for life! The joys of marriage and family! On an unrelated note, I’ve become a very big fan of wines this year. In fact, this year my whole family bought me several bottles of it, and, in return, I promised to “leave them alone,” in lieu of a gift exchange. (It should be noted that Susan did not chip in for the wine or any gift for that matter, the intolerable tightwad. HA! JOKING!!!!) May your holidays be blessed! With love, Mary and Family
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
Our Mobile App Is Your New Best Friend
for iPhone and ailable for iPhone and Android • Download for FREE today! Available
Android - Search Black Sheep Mobile • Download for FREE today! Avai
The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT
Now Through 12/30 $2.50 3 Olives Flavored Long Islands, $3 16oz Miller Lite Cans $3.50 14oz Blue Moon Drafts $4.50 20oz Blue Moon Drafts
Wednesday 12/11
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
Thursday 12/12
Saturday Night's Show ETHEREAL GROOVE INC with INDIGOSUN
CLYBOURNE NYE 2014 Get your Tickets Now For the Biggest Party of the Year! $1 U CALL IT Buy Discounted Tickets Now at www.TheClybourne.com
SATURDAY: 90's Daughter, 10pm
END OF SEMESTER BASH Biggest dance party of the year!
Cly's Christmas Party! Lots of Wrapped Presents from SANTA including Hawks Tickets!
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
$1 Burnetts $2 Wells $3 Top Shelf
Miles Nielsen + A Cool Hand 10pm
$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys CASEY DONAHEW BAND with JOE STAMM & THE SIXERS $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers
Friday 12/13
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
THE DECADENTS and RAMJETA
Happy Hour Food Specials! $5 Any Sandwich $2.99 Two Hot Dogs & Fries $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans
Outbound Drive, 10pm
Saturday 12/14
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
ETHEREAL GROOVE INC with INDIGOSUN
DOLLAR BOMB NIGHT! Your Choice of 25 Red Bull Bombs! Special Guest DJ!
90's Daughter, 10pm
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
Sunday 12/15
Closed
CLOSED
Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Monday 12/16
Mason Jar Monday $2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers
Have you seen our 2014 schedule yet? Check www.canopyclub.com
CLYBOURNE NYE 2014 Get your Tickets Now For the Biggest Party of the Year! $1 U CALL IT Buy Discounted Tickets Now at www.TheClybourne.com
Closed for a Private Event Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
Tuesday 12/17
$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week
THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Long Islands!
WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Wine, $2 Wells featuring Svedka Vodka, $2 Bud Light Bottles
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
SHOWYOUSUCK with CALEB JAMES and MILE MULLIGAN
CLYBOURNE NYE 2014 Get your Tickets Now For the Biggest Party of the Year! $1 U CALL IT Buy Discounted Tickets Now at www.TheClybourne.com
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Wednesday 12/18
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page!
The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3
DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
FIREHAUS NYE 2014 Get your Tickets Now For the Biggest Party of the Year! $1 U CALL IT firehausbar.com
EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas
Saturday: BOTTLE ROCKETS, 7pm De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! Great Drink Specials
EARLY BIRD NYE TIX NOW ON SALE! joesbrewery.com
FRI/SAT: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Wednesday 12/11
Firehaus Christmas Party! Lots of Wrapped Presents from SANTA Including Hawks Tickets! Blackhawks vs Flyers 7pm
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Reading Day Eve...the Ultimate HUMPDAY! $2 Fireball, $2 Redd's
GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
Thursday 12/12
12 Days of Christmas! Everyday we add a new special for $2.50 until we have twelve specials! $2.50 UV Vodka $2.50 Jager Spice
$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada
Risque Thursday $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
$3 Smirnoff $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Friday 12/13
12 Days - Day 3! $2.50 Captain Morgan $2.50 UV Vodka $2.50 Jager Spice
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 11pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID
$3 Jim Beam $2 Pinnacle Punch $6 Pitchers of Orange Shandy
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Saturday 12/14
Blackhawks Watch Party! This Game is Not on Local TV! Hawks vs Maple Leafs 6pm, ILLINI vs Oregon 8pm $2.50 Captain, $2.50 Beam
Catch the Illini Game at 8!
$3 Bacardi, $2 Bacardi Shooters, $6 Pitchers of Lunch Box
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Sunday 12/15
Blackhawks Watch Party! This game is not on Local TV! Blackhawks vs Kings 6pm $2 ANYTHING! Bears vs Browns - Noon
NFL SUNDAY TICKET! $5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull
Build Your Own Bucket! 5 Beers for $11 $2 Jager Bombs
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Monday 12/16
12 Days - Day 6 $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Captain, Beam, Hot Stuff, Jager Spice, UV
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
MNJ! $2 Blackbeard $2 Bud Platinums
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Tuesday 12/17
12 Days - Day 7 $2.50 Tullamore Dew plus 6 other specials! Blackhawks vs Predators 7pm
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Wednesday 12/18
FIREHAUS NYE 2014 Get your Tickets Now For the Biggest Party of the Year! $1 U CALL IT firehausbar.com
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
BOTTLE ROCKETS, 7pm
De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card
19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm
$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots
$2 Blue Moons, Tequila Tuesday and all the 90's you can handle!
HUMPDAY! $2 Fireball, $2 Redd's
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm) GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
SA TH TU IS RD AY !
BACARDI CLAUS PARTY $3 ALL BACARDI DRINKS
KAM’S
COME VISIT SANTA AND HIS SEXY ELVES!
The BarGrid Page 3 of 3
KAM'S Winterfest Kicked Off!
RED LION NYE 2014 Get your Tickets Now For the Biggest Party of the Year! $1 U CALL IT Buy Discounted Tickets Now at www.RedLionChampaign.com
Every Day! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes
SPECIAL NIGHT
Logo Mug Night: Coors Light $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs
READING DAY EVE No School on Thursday Bucket Night $4 Buckets of Jim Beam Cruzan Rum, Pinnacle Vodka
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Wed. 12/11
$2.50 Corona, Stella Artois, Heineken 2.50 Skyy Mixers $5 Jameson & Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Orchata
SHACKER NIGHT! $2 UV Vodka, $2 Hot Stuff Shots, $2.50 Bud Light, $5 24oz SHACKERS
Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime
Thursday 12/12
BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge
$7.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud, Bud Lt & Rolling Rock Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
Open at 5pm $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES $1 BURNETTS VODKA $3 Jager Bombs
$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
Friday 12/13
BACARDI CLAUS PARTY! Meet Santa and the Sexy Elves $3 All Bacardi Drinks! Catch the Illini at 8PM!
Solo Cup Saturday! No Cover Charge
$2.25 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud, Bud Lt & Rolling Rock Pints $2.50 Bacardi Bombs $5 Jameson Doubles
CLUB 211 Free GLOWSTICKS! BLACKLIGHTS!
$2 U Call It $4 Pitchers
Saturday 12/14
Closed for Private Party
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
Trivia Starts @ 9pm! $6 PBR & Hamms $2.50 Wells (U-Call It) $4 Pub Bombs
Book your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our Event Planners at CochraneParty@gmail.com or Call 217-722-9000
Closed Eeat some chicken strips at Papa D's!
Sunday 12/15
$2 Lite/Coors Lt 16oz Bottle Cans, $2 U Call It (Wells, Drafts & Bottles), $5 Pitchers
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $4 Guinness, Smithwick’s $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle Vodka Mixers
MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS $2 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 RED BULL VODKA’S
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
Monday 12/16
Country Nite Drink it in Your Mason Jar Wear Your Dukes & Boots! $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Banquet Bottles, $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts, $1 Cinerator Shots
$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
$3 Blue Moon + Red’s Apple Ale Pints, $5 Jim Beam Honey Barrels, $2.50 Dr. Shots
$2 UV VODKA $1 SHOTS (SHOT MENU) $3 BUD LIGHT 24oz TALLBOYS
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
Tuesday 12/17
Logo Mug Night! $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs
RED LION NYE 2014 Get your Tickets Now For the Biggest Party of the Year! $1 U CALL IT Buy Discounted Tickets Now at www.RedLionChampaign.com
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Wed. 12/18
NYE Tickets Now on Sale! Early Bird Tickets for $15! Get Yours Now! Check our ad for where to buy
Party at Legends for NYE! NO COVER CHARGE! Free party favors, free champagne toast!
Pre-Reading Day Party! Bud Nite - Bud Girls & Prizes! $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Blue Drinks, $3 Jim Beam
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Klub Kam’s w/ Live DJ
Mustache Night!
Absolut Friday feat. Delicato 10pm $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt. Cans, $3 Jameson Shots, $3 Malibu Spiced, $5 Hamm’s Pitchers
$5 Kam Islands, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Lite & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Redd’s Bottles, $3 Captain, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots, Great Dance Music!
MNF! Boo the Lions!
Free Pizza at Half Time!
Bud Nite - Bud Girls & Prizes! $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Blue Drinks, $3 Jim Beam
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
MAKE YOUR APARTMENT
YOUR APARTMENT! WE’RE WAIVING OUR $275 REDECORATION FEE SO YOU CAN FEEL AT HOME IN YOUR NEW HOME!
E T A I D E IMM INS MOVE- LE! B A L I A V A
• 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING. • WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATE-NIGHT SERVICE. AND SO MUCH MORE! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com
Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets Why are you on the Naughty List this year? r Josh, Junio
“I’m super stretchy.”
o m o re David, Soph
“I screwed your mom then paid her tax returns.”
o re D a n , So p h o m
“I ate a butthole.”
Bartenders of the Week
Hayden of
The Red Lion
Bartender nickname: Cheddar Bob Favorite drink: Twat salsa Most disgusting drink: Blue Guy Favorite shot: Pussy juice Best line someone’s used to try to get free drinks from you: “I’m a manager at Firehaus.” Are you pissed that Brian from Family Guy died?: Did Mike Vick kill him? What’s your spirit animal? Why?: Orca whale … Big Willy. Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had sex?: Steven Sedgel’s Buick Regal What is your dream super power?: Constant flow of cannabis from all orifices. How do you sleep at night?: Hit the bong once or twice. What’s your motto on life?: “Everything’s better with a little bit of cheddar.“ Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Poop Girl.
Drinking Game
Christina of Firehaus
Bartender nickname: The Other Asian Favorite drink: Fehey bomb Most disgusting drink: Anything served from Kam’s Favorite shot: Tight snatch Best line someone’s used to try to get free drinks from you: “I work at Lion.” Are you pissed that Brian from Family Guy died?: Doggy style will NEVER be the same. What’s your spirit animal?: Honey Badger. Don’t care (if it’s been done). What is your super hero name?: Anti-Poop Girl What is your dream super power?: The ability to close my legs on the Red Lion dance floor. How do you sleep at night?: Dick in hand Who’s your dream slam piece?: Scotty Cockrane Why should people read The Black Sheep?: To fuck the Bartender of the Week
Recipe for disaster
Snowman Slap Cup
The Energy Booster
Everyone knows (or should know) how to play the traditional game of slap cup, but we’ve decided to winterize the old favorite and make it easier to get drunk real fast. We’re playing with beer, but feel free to change it out for some eggnog or RumChata holiday creations. What You’ll Need: Lotsa beer, 2 ping pong balls and at least 23 red cups Number of Players: As many as you want Level of Intoxication: ???
Whether you’re studying for final exams or pushing through crowds for some last-minute holiday shopping, everyone could use a little pep in their step. We’re no health experts, but common sense tells us that if we add a bunch of energy-creating substances together, you’re going to be feeling pretty alive. Once you have a taste of our booster, you’re going to be producing this thing in bulk.
How to Play: - Set up the red cups in 3 clusters, like the shape of a snowman, about 7 cups per circle (with one in the middle). - Fill the middle cups of each cluster all the way up with beer. - Fill the surrounding cups with a normal amount, like up to bottom line or whatever you wanna do. - Give the ping pong balls and 2 empty cups to players on opposite ends so they’re a few people apart. - Play slap cup like normal! Bounce the balls until you make your empty cup. If you make the cup on your first try, pass the ball and the cup to anyone around the table. Any try after that, pass the ball and cup in order clockwise. - If the person ahead of you is shooting and you get your ball in first, slap their cup and pass your items to the next person in line. - The person whose cup was slapped pulls one from the middle and drinks the beer inside before continuing with his or her ping pong ball. - If a ball accidentally bounces into one of the beer cups, drink it before continuing. The Game Ends When: All the cups are gone and 3 brave people had to drink the full cups in the middle.
download our free app for all the games!
What You’ll Need: A blender, 1 can of your favorite energy drink, 2 tablespoons instant coffee, 1 scoop of pre-workout suppliment, 2 Pixy Stix, 2 tablespoons peanut butter, 2 slices of wholewheat bread, 1 package Sour Punch Straws Cook Time: 5 minutes Fatty Factor: You’ll have a lot of energy for your workout. Let’s Get Baked: - With your slices of bread and peanut butter, make a quick sandwich. And actually, feel free to use more than 2 tablespoons of peanut butter. That’s never enough. - In your blender, combine the energy drink, coffee, pre-workout and Pixy Stix. Blend until smooth. - Squish your peanut butter sandwich into the blender and blend again until creamy. - While it’s blending, do some squats or slap yourself in the face a few times to get the juices flowing. - Pour your concoction into an ice cold glass and garnish with more coffee and a teaspoon of sugar. - Drink it up through one (or all) of the Sour Punch Straws and get movin’! What do you mean it tastes bad?
nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com
download our free iphone and android app
Booze Review Jim Beam Maple Whisky Grade: A written by: Kitty Kat
So we’re not trying to brag or anything, but after we reviewed Crown Royal Maple whisky last year, it started popping up everywhere. We basically predicted the future of up-and-coming alcohol, and who knows when we’ll do it again. It might seem like blasphemy that we’re now reviewing a maple competitor, but after one taste of this Jim Beam beauty, we were all like, “Crown Royal, who?” That’s right. This is pretty damn good. After a bit of online searching, it’s also supposed to be pretty fantastic in BBQ food. It’s kind of like the universal liquor, like Keystone was for you freshman year. But instead of tasting like shame and the inside of a toilet, Jim Beam Maple tastes like an oversized comfy sweater in a winter Wisconsin cabin. With Christmas music playing. And a goldendoodle puppy scurrying around the room. And lots of hot girls serving you pulled pork sandwiches.
slave away in the kitchen for hours making Christmas sugar cookies, art majors painting pictures of snow scenes, aspiring authors who spend their time in a secluded cabin to write the perfect novel (a.k.a. the cast of The Shining), and anyone who’s into Iditarod sled races User Comments: “Mmm, this pulled pork sandwich is delicious!” “Hey honey, what do you think about moving to Michigan? Like, right now?” “Welp, just found my new favorite drink.” Best Described as a Song Lyric: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire / Jack Frost nipping at your nose / Yuletide carols being sung by a choir / And Jim Beam Maple freely flows”
Smells Like: Probably maple. We didn’t smell it, we just drank it right away.
You’ll Like This if You Like: Fireside chats while snow delicately falls outside your log cabin window, slow jazz playing in the background, and large animal heads mounted on your wall and turned into floor rugs.
Tastes Like: Didn’t you read the introduction? We’re not reprinting that all here.
Food Pairing Suggestion: A hot plate of Belgian waffles with butter and cinnamon.
Typical Drinkers: Lumberjacks, women who
Mix it With: Coke Zero
G R E AT LO C AT I O N TO C A M P U S
APPLY TODAY FOR FALL 2014 LOFTS54.COM
217.366.3500 • 309 E. Green Suite 103
The Bible Fan Club Undergoing Schism of Sorts By: Benny Boy Last week we reported on a new group on campus devoted to the reading and appreciation of The Bible, a high fantasy novel written by King James in the 16th Century. The group, who have come to call themselves The Satanists after a popular character in the novel, were originally drawn to the novel for its unfiltered violence and epic scale, but have been experiencing a schism in the wake of dissenting ideas on how the group should be run. Sophomore Henry Martin, once a full-fledged Satanist, has lead the charge for reformation within the group. “You know, I was cool with the group at first. That’s because at first it was all about The Bible. But then Blake, the head of the group, started making all these bullshit changes. Like, we had to start paying for our own booze at meetings. What was he using the RSO money for anyway? So I wrote up a quick list of problems I had with the group and posted them on his wall. Little did I know the response it would get.” Those rules, which have come to be called “The Five Things” by supporters, read as follows: 1. No more paying for our own booze at meetings. We’re getting RSO money for a reason. We don’t need t-shirts. We don’t want t-shirts. 2. For our bar crawl is it cool if we end at Red Lion instead of starting there? I just think it makes more
sense that way. 3. No more chicks. 4. I can’t make Thursday’s meeting because I have French horn practice. 5. Proposed name change: The Sodomites. The response Martin received was massive. The first person to comment on the proposed changes was group leader Blake Lochner. The comment read, “You asshole! I wish God from The Bible was real so that he could turn you into fucking salt.” Despite Lochner’s negativity, the proposed rules garnered support from a large number of active Satanists. Those who favored Martin’s changes left the Satanists and formed the Sodomites. And although Satanists and Sodomites shared many of the same values, it was the differences between them which drove them apart. “You know, I really do appreciate what those Satanists got to say, but deep down I always knew I was a Sodomite,” freshman Jerry Turner said about his decision between the two groups. “Of course now there are a bunch of different groups popping up now that the Sodomites went independent. There’s The Plagues, Herod’s Slaughter, The Judas Priests... There are so many groups now that it’s hard to keep them all straight.”
Although this drama has caused quite a rift in The Bible appreciation society of UIUC, all groups want to make it clear that their appreciation for the awesomeness of King James’ writing is at the forefront of their priorities. “It’s actually kind of funny, I was so mad at all that was going on that I hadn’t even read The Bible in well over a week. One day when I wanted to get away from it all I just picked up my copy and started
reading again. And you know what? This book actually gave me a lot of great advice about how to deal with problems in my life. Take King Darius for example. When Darius was afraid that Daniel was going to undermine his power and take the throne, he threw him in a lions den and, well, I forget how the story ends. The point is he did what he had to do. Sure it wasn't nice, but we can’t all be Jesus.”
Continued from the cover “It was all inside jokes. No one finds that funny,” Allison complained. “So … why are we here? What are you trying to tell me?” “That you’re a boring piece of shit that no one in their right minds would want to hang out with. You didn’t get a bid freshman year because we could all tell that you were going to end up being a total loser by senior year. You’re more into books than Block, and flash cards than flashing tits. Not our idea of fun.”
over. You’re not going to do it, are you?” “No,” Allison admitted, blushing. “I never do.” “You’re lucky he even sticks around. I mean, who can give a decent blowjob in five minutes anyway? Ready to move on?” Katie asked quickly before snatching the bottle of vodka off the kitchen table and transporting both of them to their next destination: the future.
Before Allison could object, Katie grabbed her arm again, and they whizzed back to present day, landing in the living room of her apartment.
It was dark, cold and windy when the girls landed. They were standing on a dimly-lit street in the depths of Urbana in front of a small, singlebedroom home that was falling to ruins.
“Oh my God, I seriously cannot take another shot. Let’s just go out already,” Allison’s roommate Sarah whined, hanging onto the kitchen counter for balance.
“Whose house is this?” Allison asked, fearing the truth.
“Jeez, your roommates are a bunch of lightweights. What is that they’re drinking? If it’s not Burnett’s, I don’t want any,” Katie scoffed. Allison glanced sideways at her guide, “Okay, bitch. What’s the lesson here?” Katie glared back at her. “The lesson here is that you spend so much time with your nose stuck in a book that you barely even know your roommates. Like, did you know that Sarah threw up in her biology lecture yesterday and like, totally embarrassed herself? And your other roommate, Hannah, completed the Big Fat Ugly challenge at Fat Sandwich last week with her boyfriend? Did you even know she had a boyfriend?” Allison frowned. Katie was right. She barely talked to Hannah and Sarah. The only time she wasn’t doing homework she was at her boyfriend’s apartment. Wait, her boyfriend! “How does Kyle feel about all this?” Allison asked. “Your boyfriend? Seriously? You know how some guys say they find the whole nerdy thing really sexy? Well, not Kyle. And I’m not an idiot. I know you promised him a 5-minute blowjob tonight in exchange for coming
“It’s yours,” Katie said plainly. “After undergrad you decided to apply for graduate school, but you never made it through. You suffered a downward spiral after Kyle left you and gained about 50 pounds. You turned into one of those weird people in their late twenties who lurks around campus and spends so much time at Espresso Royale you should pay rent.” Allison started to walk toward the house but stopped short after three cats jumped out at her from the front door. “Oh shit, don’t tell me…” she began. “Yep,” Katie smiled. “Cat lady.” “Goddammit,” Allison said. As much as Allison hated to admit, Katie was right. Everything she had seen proved that she was literally the lamest person in the world. And the fact that she didn’t want to go out and drink with friends on the drunkest night next to Unofficial was pretty pathetic. “You know what you have to do now, right?” Katie asked. “Yeah, take me back,” Allison said.
Prices Starting at $450/room Community Features
• Resort-Style Pool • Individual Leases • Roommate Matching Service • On-Site Management • 24-Hour Emergency Maintenance
Check Out Capstone Today! CAPSTONE QUARTERS
CONDOMINIUMS
“I think you’re ready,” Katie said. “And it’s about time for some Blue Guys. See ya ‘round.” As Allison waved goodbye, Kyle walked into her bedroom, backpack in hand, frown on his face. But once he caught sight of Allison on the verge of blacking out and wearing heels for the first time in … ever, he started to smile. “Well, this is a surprise.” “Shut up,” Allison said, handing him a flask. “Just drink.”
A Higher Standard of Living!
• 32 Seat Theater • Computer Lab • 24-Hour Conference Room w/ WiFi • Fitness Center • Clubhouse
They were instantly back in Allison’s bedroom and in movie montage style, Katie helped Allison prepare for the night. There was hair pulling and makeup applying and shot taking and leather pants wearing and even a quick stop for a choreographed dance sequence.
1901 LINCOLN AVENUE, URBANA IL 217-367-7368 | CAPSTONEQUARTERS.COM
download our free iphone and android app
With Technology!
Old Christmas Movies, Revisited
A Christmas Story The Evils of Technology Make… “I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!” becomes: “I want the X-Box One Day One Edition with Kinect, an extra controller, and a copy of Call of Duty: Ghosts!” And the Movie Flips: After Ralphie unwraps the gift his father so sneakily hid in the corner behind the tree he hustles over to his 50-inch flatscreen to hook up this modern technological marvel. After entering his info (and his parents’ credit card number) he anxiously slides the Call of Duty disc into the slot. The game whirrs and whirrs until finally a message appears on the screen: “Drive Cannot Read Disc.” In a fit of prepubescent rage, Ralphie clocks the flatscreen as hard as he can, splintering the thin film of glass and smashing a hole into the family’s sole source of happiness. Scared to death by a report on glass poisoning they saw on the news a week prior, his parents rush him to the hospital for a Christmas Day evaluation. Under his breath Ralphie mutters something about this being his parents’ fault, and a few quick calls later two DCFS representatives are at the hospital with some unwanted Christmas inquiries.
We’re not much for nostalgia, especially around the holidays. If we were six years old and Santa gifted us a plain wooden horse with tin wheels, we’d be so far down the Naughty List the next year, you’d think we’d have murdered our parents. And we did, we definitely did, because even at six we knew Santa was fake, and that is not the PlayStation 4 we “asked” for. Yeah, so what? We like modern technology. What would happen if we forced this tech into old Christmas movies?
It’s a Wonderful Life The Evils of Technology Make…A tale about the redemption of a suicidal man who has given up on his dreams to help others becomes: Two guys on a cell phone chatting for two hours. And the Movie Flips: George Bailey sits alone in his underwear in his dark studio apartment watching a Christmas Eve Chopped marathon, empty 40s strewn around him. Bored and in need of attention, he fires up his cell phone and rips off a text message to his only friend, Clarence Odbody. “Gonna end it all tonight,” it reads. A minute later his phone vibrates, it’s Clarence, and he wants to talk. “Hah, there’s no heaven, you fuckin’ rube,” George the atheist tells Clarence, who insists that committing suicide with preclude George from getting into Heaven. They keep talking; Clarence citing examples of the good George’s service work has done for the community. George is only half paying attention because the contestants on Chopped have to work with a canned chicken, sweetbreads, honey sticks and Greek yogurt, and he has no idea what they’ll do with that. During commercial break, Clarence still on the phone, George walks over to the medicine cabinet and chases a handful of antidepressants with what’s left of his olde English 800, dozing off moments later to Clarence begging the phone, “Hello? Hello? George, you there?”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer The Evils of Technology Make… The Island of Misfit Toys becomes: The Island of Outdated Gadgets. And the Movie Flips: As Rudolph and company run away from the Abominable Snow Monster, the FAA calls them out on deviating from their assigned flight path, forcing them to land on a nigh-inhabited island known the Island of Outdated Gadgets. Stranded on the island overnight, the crew seeks out a place that’ll be open on Christmas Eve. Walking into a restaurant, Rudolph sees booths heavy with first generation iPads, Nooks, and Kindles that don’t have color screens. They turn and stare at Rudolph, recognizing him immediately. A liaison approaches the Christmas cadre begging, “Mr. Reindeer, please, please take us away from this horrible place to a magical land where we’re wanted!” After a quick powwow with Santa, Rudolph returns with an offer, “We can swing by and get you guys tomorrow, we’re way behind, and those kids in sub-Saharan Africa can’t even afford calendars, so they won’t know if we’re a little late. Can’t promise you they won’t use you as rock picks or something, though.” The Outdated G a d g e t s cheer with joy, as their Christmas is saved.
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
Stop Saying Merry Christmas,
It’s Not My Birthday Yet! By: Jesus H. Christ
Look guys, it’s me, the big JC, and we gotta talk.
actually my birthday,” because that’d be rude, I mean, the guy’s trying.
It's that time of year again. The brisk cool air greets you with a smile as you step out to see the fresh white blanket of snow coating the town, the children are cheerful, the romance is rich, and our love for one another hugs us like a mother. But there’s one thing I can’t stand about the Christmas season. I mean, it makes me money-changers-in-theTemple mad. Everyone keeps saying “Merry Christmas!”
How many friends do you have, anyway? Hundreds? Maybe over a thousand. Guess how many Christians there are in the world wishing me a happy birthday in 50 different languages. It’s like, billions, bro. Do you know how many people have already said happy birthday to me? I do. I'm fucking everywhere! How do these people not know when my birthday is? It's a federal holiday for My sake! I’m kind of a big deal, you know. Remember how I died and then came back to life? Yeah, I’m that mother-fucker with the un-fuckedmother. I’m pretty memorable. I’m that zombie that came back and still knew how to talk. Look for me on the next season of The Walking Dead when I show those sons of bitches how a real man survives in a rough world.
Passing a stranger on the street? “Merry Christmas!” Buying a cup of coffee? “Merry Christmas!” First meeting with someone you met on Tinder? “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” Do you guys even know what Christmas is actually about? No, not the presents. No, not the value of family and the nature of giving. And no, not coming together as a brotherhood of man for the collective elevation of the human spirit. It’s about my Dadddamn birthday. It’s the one time of the year I ask you guys to celebrate me for me. I just want to have some fun, get out there, have a good time on my day. That’s right. It’s the birthday of the King of Kings. But you all know this, right? We’re all aware that I was born on December 25th, right?! Then why does everyone keep saying Merry Christmas before December 25th?! Why would you say happy birthday to me on December 8th? I’m looking at you, Jerry Walters, who lives at 38 West Oak apartment 4. Have you ever had a friend change your birthday on Facebook? Annoying right? A bunch of friends start posting “Happy B-Day Bro” on your wall. It’s annoying madness, and you can’t be all, “Shut up Judas, it’s not
You know what I should do? Every time someone says “Merry Christmas,” I'm gonna start wishing them happy holidays on the wrong days too. What's that, Jenny? You said, “Merry Christmas”? Well then happy Arbor Day. Oh, you want some of this too, Friedrich? Happy Bastille Day, whatever that is. Did you just get my birthday wrong again, Oprah? Happyanniversary of your childhood pet gerbil's death! Now, I’ll grant you guys one exception. On Christmas Eve, go to town. Wish everybody a Merry Christmas. You know why? Because at that point, the party’s already getting started. We’re talking about celebrating the birth of the Son of God! The Healer of the Sick, the Multiplier of Fish and Bread, the Turn-YourTap-Water-Into-Booze Savior! You bet we’re gonna blow that shit out when I turn 2014. Bring a bottle of wine, I’ll multiply that shit for days.
looking for an internship? Marketing, Ad Sales, Writing, and more! Get experience doing something you love!
Apply online today! theblacksheeponline.com
Illini Abroad
All of these former Illini basketball players are now shooting hoops somewhere abroad. Do you know all of the players? Send us your answers to backpage@theblacksheeponline.com and if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll win a sweet prize!
download our free iphone and android app
Ryan Gosling Retires from
Pointless, Sexy Memes By: winnie bago This year, Ryan Gosling is retiring from his tradition of starring in popular, inspirational memes during finals week. Recent studies have found that his retirement is directly causing catastrophic study and sheer panic among female college students.
Jenna Olbrem, a sophomore in bioengineering, is one of the girls affected by Gosling’s retirement. For her first year and a half in college, she relied solely on Gosling’s memes to get through her college career, even when it wasn’t finals week.
Gosling’s memes infiltrate social media sites on a daily basis but peak drastically when finals season rolls around. His classic meme reads, “Hey girl, good luck with finals. I believe in you,” with a seductive gaze and muscular chest. The memes developed to be more fantasy-fulfilling than inspirational. Another meme reads, “Hey girl, the way you study all the time and don’t go out is really sexy.” These memes not only boost confidence but are also the only version of Internet porn that females will admit to viewing.
“Oh yeah, they’re super easy to make,” Olbrem said. “Just go on Microsoft Paint and change the words to apply to any testing scenario, and you're instantly blessed with awesome test scores.”
Some say Gosling’s memes have lost their true meaning, meant to empower women in academics so they won’t be dependent on men. However, as expected when posting a half-naked, super-attractive guy on a meme, that is not the case.
Olbrem admits she doesn’t study for her quizzes and exams because in her eyes, there’s no need to. Instead, she Google searches inspirational memes of Gosling and ogles at them the night before the test. This practice has led to her motto in college: “When at first you don’t succeed, look at those washboard abs again.” In fact, Olbrem has never set foot in a library in her entire life. She relies solely on Gosling’s photos to get by. Olbrem has passed every exam she’s ever taken in her life, even before college. So how did she pass exams before Gosling
became an inspirational icon? “It’s not like he’s the first hot guy to ever walk the planet,” Olbrem retorted. “Brad Pitt was young once, you know. I just didn’t have as much success with him. I blame it on Jennifer Aniston’s perky nipples popping up in all of his pictures. Completely distracting.” However, Olbrem’s life flipped upside down when she heard of Gosling’s retirement last week. The morning of reading day, Olbrem woke up to a new desktop background on her computer, which was previously covered with Gosling’s memes. But as his retirement came into effect, her computer automatically returned her desktop to a pre-programmed wilting flower. Olbrem is “freaking the fuck out,” according to her roommate. She now routinely runs through every restaurant and dining hall on campus screaming that her life is over. Her RA even got a mandate from campus officials to make sure Olbrem showers. This was initiated after her “No Hot Bod, No Washed Bod” protest.
“High school never prepared me for finals,” Olbrem explained. “The idea that high school prepares you for college is the biggest lie since teachers told us we’d need to write in cursive for the rest of our lives.” Lacking confidence, Olbrem immediately moved on to other tricks to try to pass her finals. She decided to make her own luck in a few intriguing ways. She made her first trip to the library and checked out instructional materials for black voodoo magic. In hope of canceling her finals, she created voodoo dolls for each of her instructors.
“I’m really digging the attacks to the groins,” Olbrem said. “It makes them feel the pain we feel every finals week.” Olbrem has also been found around campus setting traps and hunting rabbits. At current count, she’s collected 254 rabbits’ feet. She says she will not stop until she has enough to fill her backpack. Meanwhile, Gosling is happier than ever, despite the growing pile of death threats he receives from female students on a daily basis. While he is no longer part of the meme world, he has joined the Salvation Army world, ringing bells to collect money at any Costco near him.
G R E AT LO C AT I O N TO C A M P U S
APPLY TODAY FOR FALL 2014 309GREEN.COM
217.366.3500 • 309 E. Green Suite 103
23
6 degrees of separation
Aaron paul to Carrie Brownstien These two are connected by 6 different people. if you know who, and how, tweet us @blacksheep_uiuc First 3 right answers get a prize!
A P P LY TO D AY F O R FA L L 2 0 1 4
SIGN & SAVE $300
WITH REDUCED FEES A P P LY O N L I N E @ TO W E R 3 R D . CO M
Rates, fees and utilities included are subject to change. See office for details. Limited time only.