ILLINOIS SPRING ISSUE 16 by The Black Sheep

THE FUN & GAMES ISSUE!

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THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

TO KILL SOME TIME.

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

SAFETY SCISSORING When two bi-curious students scissor with clothes on in the interest of safety paranoia. “Mackenzie, we need to practice safe sex. Can we safety scissor instead?” “Seriously Megan? Fine, whatever. It’s not like I wanted to orgasm or anything.”

HEAVEN ALEXANDER

THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear Tex Mex, I think I totally just bombed my final. Like, holy shit… I absolutely crashed and burned in the worst possible way. The math portion completely nailed me without calling me back in the morning, and the conceptual questions ran me over with a Mack truck and proceeded to crush my body again in reverse. Give it to me straight, man. How finished is my future? Sincerely, A Panicking Gen-Ed Freshman Dear Textbook Definition of Crass Overreaction, Let me make a few assumptions here that I’m going to equally infer are grounded within fact and reality. You’re a finicky, above-average, first-year undergrad who by and large has never really “failed” anything in your entire life. Despite this class being some 100-level bufu gened that you’ll never have to worry about for the rest of your natural born existence, you’re getting hung up on this final exam like the success of your still-developing career decisions will depend on it. You have a deep, sinking feeling in your stomach right now, and if it weren’t for

TO THE

EDITOR

the thin thread of self-control that you’re grasping onto, you’d probably shit yourself. Does that all sound familiar? If so, here’s my inspiration to you. Stop. Seriously, mate, just stop. Are grades more or less an essential extension of pursuing the highest of higher education without becoming a pompous PhD? Yes. But this isn’t high school anymore, bucko. Of all the things you’re going to fuck up at in college, your grades should be on the ass-end of your spectrum if you have any semblance of what’s to follow. You know, stumbling into your 10-person lecture hungover without realizing your chain of wristbands is still on until 30 minutes in, or waking up next to someone you’re not entirely sure how you woke up to. Those are the fuckups you should be looking forward to, dude. Mostly because they’re, well, not that bad. Take it from someone who’s spent the last four years screwing up and loved every second of it. Signing off, Tex Mex

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By Skyla G

THE QUIZ: Who’s Your Summer B␣e? 1. Your ideal summertime date would be… a) Basking in the sun all day, and staying out all night b) Both of you forgetting to shower and eating Cheetos until your shirts are orange c) Dinner and banana milkshakes 2. Choose the best comedian… a) Present-day Adam Sandler (Yeah, Jack & Jill Adam Sandler) b) That one guy spray-painted silver that acts like a robot on the Chicago streets c) Anyone willing to mumble swear words at bros after Wine Night is a comedian to me 3. Which boyband gets you going? a) News Kids on the Block b) The Wanted c) B2K 4. Which character from SpongeBob is your spirit animal? a) Squidward b) Larry the Lobster c) Doodlebob

5. You find out you have a five-page paper on Shakespearean text due in the next thirty minutes, so you… a) Write complete gibberish until you reach your word count b) Write about UIUC the great, UIUC the beautiful, UIUC for everyone c) Try your best

8-13: Alma Will Do:

You enjoy stability, sturdiness and knowing that your partner will always be in the same spot whenever you need them. You like to come and go as you please, but you don’t like it when your partner leaves for years at a time. You’re looking for a Bonnie and Clyde type of relationship, except you will haul ass if things get tough or you’re late for class. Your partner is pretty photogenic though, everyone loves them!

14-19: Urinating, Homeless Man on Green St.:

6. There is a bee the size of a melon flying around You’re unpredictable, you’re wild and the five-second rule can sometimes be your friend’s head, so you… extended to an hour. Most importantly, PDA and any other personal thing you a) GTFO enjoy doing behind closed doors is best done on a sunny day right after classes b) Let it land on you end. McDonald’s was the greatest restaurant ever created and long days spent c) Shart as a clever distraction there get you and your partner going.

20-24: Stay Single Forever: 7. You swipe right on your second cousin on Tinder Banana milkshakes are better than vanilla and you are actually trying to find and ended up matching with them, so you… someone to marry in the warmest months of the year instead of during cuddle a) Delete Tinder immediately! weather. There’s no hope for you. You’re sensible and “boring” was the word b) Try to justify that at least they’re not your first cousin that granted you the championship in the third grade spelling bee. Good luck c) Now have a date at Olive Garden tomorrow finding someone who loves you other than that one cousin you’re not sure if you’re related to. 8. How many chains does Grammy-nominated rapper 2 Chainz wear… a) Seven, obviously ANSWER KEY: 3) A-1, B-2, C-3 6) A-3, B-1, C-2 1) A-1, B-2, C-3 4) A-1, B-3, C-2 7) A-3, B-1, C-2 b) Not enough 2) A-3, B-1, C-2 5) A-2, B-1, C-3 8) A-2, B-1, C-3 c) Two, I am 2 Chainz

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5 Worst Places to Take Graduation Pics Kevin Mallin wrote this

As the senior class prepares to slip the surly bonds of campus and touch the face of crippling loan debt, parents from China and the northwest suburbs of Chicago are dusting off their digital cameras and getting ready to take some really, really lame pictures of their drunk sons and daughters. Campus can be a confusing place, so we’ve assembled five places you’ll absolutely want to tell your parents to avoid this graduation season.

The Half-Sidewalk

Basement of KAM’s

Your Freshman Dorm

Although you probably have a lot of great memories of the 22 North’s side mirror narrowly missing your hungover face as the bus sped by, you’ll probably want to avoid this treacherous stretch of concrete. It’s already awkward enough having to press your back against the wall like an escaping cat-burglar when someone else is coming from the opposite direction, why bring your obnoxious family into it? Naturally they’re going to want to take “a silly one,” something that should be punishable by law (on par with treason). So for your safety and the protection of those around you, just avoid the half-sidewalk altogether.

Although the KAM’s Sludge Monster has not been sighted near campus for many moons, all is not well in the basement of everyone’s oddly-favorite, vomit-scented drinking pit. Aside from the fact that your parents will either be too busy reliving their glory days or mortally damaged by finally seeing where you spent the last four years and all their cash, the structural integrity of the KAM’s basement leaves a lot to be desired. The first and last time we went to KAM’s, an AC unit or some other piece of ceiling fell off of the wall and struck our friend’s brother right in the head. On his 21st birthday of all days! The place is haunted.

This one is just sad. If you just graduated and you’re already living in the past, all hope is lost. We’re sure that your floor was “totally chill” and that the RA “didn’t care if we drank, as long as she didn’t see it,” but you’re 22 now. Besides, freshman year wasn’t that great if you really think about how awkward and lame you were.

In Front of Your Ex’s Sorority House, In Tears

Dude, it’s time to move on. I know she liked the same EDM producers as you and pretended to care about sports, so you thought she could’ve been “the one.” But, there are plenty of other fish in the sea that aren’t going to be sophomores next year and can actually drink with you without her sister’s old military ID. Seriously, what did you guys even talk about?

The Alma Mater

What’s more photogenic than snapping some grad pics in front of UIUC’s famousfor-some-reason statue? Anything. This is probably the least creative place you can take any picture at all. Graduation pictures in front of ol’ Alma are the equivalent to those stupid perspective pictures where you’re “holding up” the Leaning Tower of Pisa; do you really want to be that guy? Unoriginality aside, everyone and all their mothers are going to be lined up from Alma to Rantoul waiting to snap a picture. After sitting, standing and just waiting around in general for 2+ hours, is a gigantic line that high on your to do list? Probably not. Go get a drink for Christ’s sake.

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President Easter Ascends into Heaven, Dies at Age 384 Jupiter Stevens wrote this

The sun was peeking through the window blinds and onto Robert Easter's face. The University of Illinois President felt the heat on his cheek, but was still coming out of a dream. He dreamed of his mother, so many years ago. He was in the backyard of his rural Irish home, studying in the middle of a patch of tall grass while his brothers were playing ball in the field. She came up to him, knowing he didn't fit in with the others. “One day, Bobby, you're going to be president.” He looked deep into her eyes and she stroked her hand through his hair. And he knew it was true. It was what he had always wanted. It was his dream: President of the University of Illinois. Robert's eyes quietly blinked and slowly adjusted to the sunlight coming through his window. He was old now, too old. Getting up was now a challenge every morning. It hurt to blink. He had pain in every muscle in his body – even his eyelids. Today, Robert knew the time had finally come. After a half hour getting into an upright position, Robert slid into his slippers and walked to the kitchen, which was in the next room. An hour later, he got to the counter and made himself a cup of coffee. His decrepit lips could no longer handle the heat of a hot cup of jo, so he just added the grounds to a glass of water and forced it down. He knew this day was coming for a long time now. A year, to be exact. He had his final exam at the doctor last spring where university medical officials broke the news. “You've been alive for a long time now, Bobby,” they told him. “In fact, too long. Way too long.” At the time, Robert was between 65 and 10,000 years old. Even he knew his time had come.

The time comes for every great man, he thought, dropping Alka-Seltzer into his glass (the water had upset his stomach). Everyone moves on sometimes: Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, Michael Hogan, the list goes on. He did some great things in his time here, he thought. He was accomplished, proud, and storied. “Remember that one time the nude photo I meant to send to Cheryl ended up leaking when the U of I cloud got hacked?” he chuckled. “Or what about that time he had rainbow cake at his great-great-grandkid's birthday party and he shit rainbows for a week?” Sure, there were bad times, like when he got lost and confused on campus after he got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom – but what mattered was the bad times were few, and the good times were many. Robert finished his glass and made his way back to his room. There was Cheryl, sitting on the bed. “Are you going?” she said to him. “Yes, dear. It's time,” he replied. The words dribbled out of his mouth with a ball of spit. It had become too much – how could he give executive university orders if he could not even speak? Robert made his way to the backyard with Cheryl at his side. His robe began to unravel, loose on his body. Cheryl knew it was for the best and gently pulled out the last knot around his waist. Robert stood exposed, proud, and determined. He gasped, and a thunderous sound shook from the sky. The clouds opened up and a beam of orange and blue light stretched down to the grass where he stood. He gasped for air a second time as his chest jolted forward and his head snapped back, looking up to the sky. Robert stretched out his arms and opened his eyes towards the light – this time, there was no pain. He began to rise, but a crowd began to form around the residency, watching as their legendary leader was

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preparing to cast off into the sky. Some cried out, “No! President Easter, please don't leave us behind!” And Robert began to have second thoughts: “Is it really time? Maybe there's more to do...” But then other voices reach out, “Go Robert, you can do this! You deserve to be freed of this public kakistocracy. Go!” Then, he knew it was truly time. And on the third gasp, he rose again. High into the sky, Robert's body ascended into the heavens. Robert's image grew smaller and smaller as he rose into the clouds, then, he was out of sight. But never out of mind. For you don't forget a man of such great importance. Of such a weathered body, but a youthful heart. A man that defiantly said “no” in the face of death many times – a number scientists estimate to be in the hundreds, if not thousands. A man that said, “age is just a number,” but became so old he could not count that high. A man that was not our grandfather, but felt as if he was our grandfather's grandfather. Yes, President Robert Easter has departed from our world. But no, he will never stop leading us in mind or in spirit.

THE MADLIB

CRAPPY SUMMER JOB SILVER LINING Oh, sure __(1)__, you’re interning at __(2)__ this summer, but I’m sure you’re really just going to spend all day getting coffee for higher-ups, you’re not going to learn anything, really. And sure, maybe I’m just working as a __(3)__ back in __(4)__, but that’s where the real experience is at, man. It’ll be me and __(5)__ of my peers out there learning important business skills like time management, delegation and uh…__(6)__. Where’s the freedom in wearing a __(7)__ every day? We’re young! We’re free! I don’t even have to wear __(8)__, because it’s going to be like…__(9)__ goddamn degrees every day. No __(10)__, and they pay me for it! I know not everything will be great. Getting up at __(11)__ a.m. stinks, but hey, I’ll be off at __(12)__ p.m., which means there will be plenty of time to __(13)__ a __(14)__ of __(15)__ every day, and I’ll be in bed before __(16)__ p.m. Bet you can’t say that, what with your board meetings and late-night __(17)__ sessions! So, yeah, you may think that you’re going to come back to __(18)__ smarter and more educated than when you left, but joke’s on you, man, you’re just working your way to being another cog in the machine. Corporations, man!

CLUE BANK 1: Friend’s name 2: Company 3:Menial job 4: Your hometown 5: Number 6: Useless skill 7: Item of business clothing 8: Item of non-business clothing 9: Temperature 10: Same as 8 11: Time 12: Later time 13: Verb 14: Quantity of (15) 15: Activity 16: Time 17: Business jargon 1 8: Your school Staff wrote this

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MOVIE REVIEW: BLOW JOB GIRL: THE MOVIE Diego Manischewitz wrote this

THE TOP TEN

LIES GRADUATING SENIORS WILL TELL THEMSELVES ABOUT THEIR TIME AT UIUC Alums constantly tell themselves lies, either to ease their doom or to make their past four years extra special. Which they totally were. Great job on graduating from a university where half of your high school went and uses a vowel for a mascot.

Blow Job Girl: The Movie is based on the incredible and inspiring true story about one girl who did the unthinkable. Her story has turned into the 2015 New York Times Best Seller with the title, It’s Blowtime. There are rumors of a sequel of the book called, Still Blowin’ It set to hit the shelves of Barnes & Noble and your bathroom magazine rack next year.

conversation happened. “I’ll do it,” muttered the determined Arielle Blaine. “I’m going to blow someone on the dance floor of Red Lion,” Blaine said. “It can’t be done! What are you thinking? You’ll get yourself a STD!” each sorority girl screamed at Blaine. “It can and will be done my sistas and now it’s time to go practice,” Blaine said.

The movie starts out with Arielle Blaine (Blow Job Girl), sitting at her sorority house with her paid friends talking about the upcoming weekend that starts on Mondays at the University of Illinois Campus.

A montage similar to the Rocky training sequence shows Blaine deepthroating bananas, running in place and dropping to her knees, and of course the famous scene of Blaine running up the steps to the entrance of Foellinger Auditorium.

“Guys, like honestly, what bars we hittin’ up this week?” said one sorority sister. The sisters, related not by blood but by blood alcohol content, started screeching out bar names. “Joe’s! Cly’s! Bros!” they screamed. Arielle Blaine then said, “We’re going to The Red Lion, I’m feeling scummy.” The girls literally died as they described and became excited for the night. The sister wives’ conversation then took a weird turn. “You know what would be crazy and get written up in a satirical newspaper for, if someone performed oral sex on the dance floor at Red Lion,” one irrational friend said, "Has it been done before," they wondered. The group consulted the Guinness Book of World Records under the surprisingly unknown “Blow Job” category. “There’s been blow jobs in bathrooms, bedrooms and Oval Offices, but never the dance floor of The Red Lion,” one friend said. “Who blows people in their bedroom? That’s way too private,” they thought. Each one of them sighed and thought that a blow job on the dance floor of Red Lion is a dream. It also upset them that they have wasted three hours discussing blow jobs, while procrastinating on their communications homework. And then the turning point of the movie and

Blaine was ready for the big night. Her squad and her first pregamed going to Red Lion because arriving sober to a place to get drunk is a crime. They arrived at Red Lion and paid the $100,000 cover to get in. The girls got on the sticky tables and started dancing. Blaine was on the lookout to see who was going to be the receiving end of her dream. She locked eyes with a dazed and confused fraternity brother. She jumped off the table like Batman and landed right in front of him. “Yo, I’m Doug what’s u-- my god.” Before Doug could speak anything else, Blaine dropped to her knees, unzipped the pants of history and blew the genitals of glory. She blew him away and once the job was done, she walked out of Red Lion with her heart full of pride and no dignity in her conscience. Doug’s frat brother went up to him and said, “Bro! Who was that girl who did that that you?” Doug looked towards the door and said, “Bro I don’t know who she was, but she shall be called Blow Job Girl from this night forward.” Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in Major League Baseball, but nothing was more impressive than Arielle Blaine breaking the blow job barrier. She taught us all that it’s not what you blow, it’s how you blow it.

10.) “Losing My Virginity at Barn Dance Was Totally Worth It”: Just because you didn’t lose it at prom like everyone else doesn’t mean you should just jump someone’s bones in the woods. Still, bravo for picking a romantic, woodsy aura to swipe the V-card. 9.) “I’ll Always Be Proud of Our Sports Teams”: Who isn’t still bitter about wasting hundreds of dollars on Block I freshman year? You were about 10 years late to when Illinois sports used to mean something. 8.) “I’m Too Old For the Joe’s Dance Floor Grind”: Age is not a relevant number, the Joe’s dance floor is meant for everyone 16 and up. You can’t even act like you aren’t flattered when you walk on the floor and all the Eastern Europeans flock to your butt. You just can’t. 7.) “Being an LAS Major Was Worth the $50,000 Tuition”: Education is supposed to be about finding a job. Screw “higher education,” because all you needed to worry about was learning how to suck up to The Man. All you know how to do is think critically and talk to people. Useless. 6.) “I Won’t Miss Fat Sandwich”: Well, this is just the most absurd thing we’ve ever heard. You won’t miss a sandwich with French fries, gyro meat, chicken tenders and onion rings all microwaved to the perfect lukewarm temperature for perfect eating conditions? That’s just a load of bologna… which is also on the sandwich. 5.) “My Significant Other and I Will Make It in the Real World”: And Hillary Clinton still loves Bill. Hard choices people, it’s time to make the hard choices. Plus, consider this as a reawakening into your slutty freshman phase. Except you’re fat now and no one’s going to take care of you when you’re too drunk. 4.) “This is The Last Time I’m Allowed to Puke in Red Lion”: Dear God, we’re pretty sure Mom’s Weekend is when Red Lion gets the most vandalized with vomit. It never ends, and if anything it will just get worse. Just try to avoid puking in public. That shit gets old. 3.) “I’m Glad I Went to At Least One Urbana Party”: Even though you were so out of your comfort zone the whole time and actually had to have somewhat sober conversations with people, it was actually a traumatizing experience that people under 22 aren’t meant to go through. God speed to all you Urbana people, you were the real wild ones. 2.) “The Homeless People Are Going to Miss Me”: They literally don’t remember what they had for breakfast so no, your dollar bills and privileged smile will not be missed. You think you're going to earn some extra credit in morality, but they don't give a shit. Seriously, we just saw the guy you gave your $5 to use it as a tissue. 1.) “I’m Ready For the Next Phase of My Life”: No, you’re not. If you are, you majored in business and have no friends anyways so have fun with that and your taxes. Mo Freeman wrote this

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SUNDAY 5/17

$6 Pitchers: Miller Lite, Coors Light, Bud Light

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

MNJ

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

MONDAY 5/18

$5 Long Islands $2.50 Wells

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

8th Grade Dance w/ SANDSTORM!

1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

TUESDAY 5/19

50% off Drafts $3.50 Bacardi White Rum $3.50 Jack Daniels

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Get free cover for you and 20 friends on your birthday Email us at joesbrewery@gmail.com

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

WEDNESDAY 5/20

$3.50 Jameson

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page!

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KAM'S

SPECIAL NIGHT

GET YOUR GRADUATION PINT GLASSES ALL WEEKEND LONG!

BIG FRIDAY! BIG BEERS cheap BIG DRINKS cheap ...plus 4 o’clock club

FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys

Watch the Hawks & Bulls Here!

WEDNESDAY 5/13

DJ Delicato $2 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles $2 Dr & Fireball Shots $4 Blue Guys & CC Drinks

ALL Bottles on Sale! 43 to choose from

Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night

Logo Glass Day $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hamms

$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot

$2.50 Specialty Pints and Bottles

$4 Crown Drinks

THIRSTY THURSDAY $2 Well Drinks $2.50 Domestic Bottles $ 2White Russians

FRIDAY 5/15

GRAD PINTS ARE HERE! $2.50 16oz Lite/Coors Lt. Drafts $3 24oz Lite/Coors Lt. Cans $2 Smirnoff Sour Shots, $4 Blue Guys

BIG FRIDAY! BIG BEERS cheap BIG DRINKS cheap ...plus 4 o’clock club

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

$5 Double Wild Turkey or Skyy $3 Sam Adams Family and Angry Orchard Pints

SATURDAY 5/16

GRADUATION PARTY $4 CC Drinks $2.50 16oz Lite & Coors Drafts $4 Pinnacle Blue Guys OPEN 11AM!

SOLO CUP Saturday…TONS of Specials in the big red cup

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

$3 Goose Island Family

SUNDAY 5/17

GRADUATION PARTY $2 U Call Its Open at NOON!

SUNDAY FUNDAY ALL Drafts on Sale!

$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers

Trivia Night! $2 Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite and Rolling Rock Drafts

MONDAY 5/18

Trivia Monday! $2 U Call Its

BEER LOVER’S NIGHT ALL beer on sale 55 to choose from

Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30

Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR

Bingo Night $4.50/$3.50 Mighty Mugs of PBR and Hamms

TUESDAY 5/19

New Summer Specials...So Hot, You'll Burn!

ALL Drafts on sale all night!

Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers

$2 Tall Boys Goldﬁsh Racing at 10!

Open allllllllllll summer!

ALL Bottles on Sale! 43 to choose from

Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night

Logo Glass Day $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hamms

SENIOR NIGHT & BULLS AT 7!

THURSDAY 5/14

WEDNESDAY 5/20

No Cover 21+ & DJ Jimmy $4 Blue Guys

$3 Bent River & Blue Moon Drafts

REDUCED RATES ON ALL REMAINING UNITS! 1/2 OFF SECURITY DEPOSITS ON ONE | TWO | THREE BEDROOM UNITS STARTING AT $315 / PERSON!

ZERO DOWN ON ALL FOUR & FIVE BEDROOM UNITS UNITS STARTING AT $270 / PERSON!

WAIVED APPLICATION FEE! MENTION GREEN SHEEP AND SAVE $20! SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT! VISIT GREENSTREALTY.COM OR CALL US AT 217-356-8750

THESE BAR SPECIALS WILL RESTORE YOUR FAITH IN HUMANITY! GREEK REUNION 2015 Friday/Saturday July 10th & 11th Go to Twitter @RedLionUofI for more info!

Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

TUES: $2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY

SPECIAL NIGHT

$4 Cruzan Buckets $2 DR. Fire Drinks!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers, $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers

WEDNESDAY 5/13

Bulls vs Cavs 7pm Game 6 - Watch it Here! $1 Lime-A-Rita 16oz Cans! (3 Flavors to Choose From) $2 Hot Stuff

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$3 Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM

THURSDAY 5/14

Open Early! $1 Fratty Natty Bottles

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM

FRIDAY 5/15

GRAD PARTY! Come Party Here! Congrats to All Grads!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$3 Captain, Crown, & 3 Olives Drinks

SATURDAY 5/16

RED LION IS OPEN ALL SUMMER LONG!

$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp

SUNDAY 5/17

GREEK REUNION 2015 Friday/Saturday July 10th & 11th Go to Twitter @RedLionUofI for more info!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM

MONDAY 5/18

Keep up with Red Lion All Summer Long Twitter @RedLionUofI Facebook: Red Lion

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY

TUESDAY 5/19

GREEK REUNION 2015 Friday/Saturday July 10th & 11th Go to Twitter @RedLionUofI for more info!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers, $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers

WEDNESDAY 5/20

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ON THE STREETS WHAT DO YOU HOPE WILL BE DIFFERENT ABOUT CAMPUS WHEN YOU RETURN IN THE FALL? JOY

“More Starbucks.”

Drinking Game: U of I Commencement

TODD “No snow.”

Nico wrote this

Commencement marks your last couple of hours as an official student at the University of Illinois. As you sit in your chair and graduation robe with your fellow classmates and reflect on the last four (or five, we’re not judging) years as a student, you’ll be bored as hell as the graduation ceremony for 8,000 students drags on. To be a true Illini and go out with a bang, try sneaking a flask into the ceremony to make it a bit more interesting. What You’ll Need: A flask filled to the brim and the ability to sneakily drink without Chancellor Wise catching you. Level of Intoxication: There’s a good chance you won’t remember walking across the stage. Take a drink when: -You see another student fall asleep -You have no idea who the commencement speaker is (Who even is Risa Lavizzo-Mourey?) -There is an I-L-L chant -Lavizzo-Mourey describes how bright your future is -You realize how screwed your future is -Somebody is wearing their tassel on the wrong side -Lavizzo-Mourey talks about her time at college, ages ago -Somebody butchers the pronunciation of a name -Somebody takes a selfie in their cap and gown -When you find your parents in the crowd and they wave at you (how embarrassing...) -You actually feel inspired by what Lavizzo-Mourey says -When she says the words “future,” “job,” or “success” Finish your drink if: -You see Phyllis Wise dozing off -Somebody trips on stage -Robert Easter tears up at his last commencement -You actually know the person you’re sitting next to -You see the Chief (probably a hallucination) The Game Ends When: The ceremony ends and you need to drunkenly find your parents so they can take pictures of you.

ZACH

“No 8 a.m. classes.”

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 1. Currency: In January 2015, Lithuania adopted what currency as its own?

0 E t of 1 R SCO 6 ou

Hawking in what movie?

2. Sports: In January 2015, what sport elected Craig Biggio, Randy Johnson and others to its Hall of Fame?

7. Politics: What city’s February 2015 election saw the forcing of a run-off between incumbent mayor Rahm Emanuel and challenger Chuy Garcia?

3. Terrorism: In January 2015, what satire publication was the victim of a Paris, France terrorist attack?

8. Business: In March, 2015 what national corporation saw thousands of job cuts?

4. Music: In February 2015 what artist won Song of the Year and Record of the Year with his tune, “Stay With Me”?

9. Crime: On March 14, 2015 the LAPD issued a warrant to capture this person, the focus of The Jinx TV series?

5. Television: What newscaster was suspended by NBC in February 2015 for exaggerating a story about a helicopter crash?

10. Food: In March, 2015 what food conglomerate issued a recall of over 6.5 million boxes of macaroni and cheese after customers reported finding small bits of metal inside?

His Answers

6. Movies: Actor Eddie Redmayne won the 2015 Academy Award for Best Actor by portraying Stephen

1. THE EURO! I used to live in Lithuania and I will miss the Lita (the old currency). 2. Major League Baseball. Don't know about Biggio and his Astros these days, but Randy Johnson was amazing back in his prime. 3. Charlie Hebdo, just horrible what happened, no words to describe it. Say a prayer for the families of those killed. 4. I have absolutely no idea... doesn't sound like Kanye West as his would probably be "Of Course You Are Staying With Me, I'm Kanye" (still I love "Stronger" to this day from him). But no clue who did "Stay With Me." 5. Brian Williams... we all make memory mistakes I guess. 6. The Theory of Everything. My kids and I are huge space and astrophysics nerds. My eight year old will tell you Stephen Hawking is the smartest person alive. 7. The Windy City of Chicago, Illinois (which Rahm won in the run off ). 8. Walmart cut 2200 jobs in March I believe. 9. I have seen his picture on social media and the interwebs, but I cannot remember his name, you got me there. 10. My personal favorite food of all time KRAFT Macaroni and Cheese was the culprit... but I love the blue box so much that I don't mind a little extra iron in my diet. Feel free to send me your unused Kraft Mac & Cheese.

PROFESSOR MARK WOLTERS

Correct Answers

1. Euro 2. Baseball 3. Charlie Hedbo 4. Sam Smith 5. Brian Williams 6. The Theory of Everything 7. Chicago 8. Target 9. Robert Durst 10. Kraft

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

DIZZY DARTS

SUMMER SUNDAE

Nothing says “I’m a responsible adult” like getting plowed and dizzy, then throwing pointy objects around. It’s basically what the middle ages were all about. So, be the king of your castle when you play this game. Number of Players: Less than 6 and you’re asking to throw up. What You Need: A dart board, darts, a bat and some brews. Intoxication Level: You hitting a bulls-eye? Bullshit. How To Play: -Divide the players up into two teams. -The object of the game is similar to most dart games: to score more points than your opponent. -A team’s turn lasts three dart throws. -A player only throws one dart at a time. -Before a player may throw a dart, they must spin in a circle 10 times. -Standard dart scoring applies. If a player hits a 17, they score 17 points. If they hit a double 8, they score 16 points, etc. -For every point a team scores, a member of the opposing team must drink for 1 second. -Games are played to 150. The Game Ends When: Your roommate gets pissed about all the new, tiny holes in the wall. It was time to redecorate anyway!

WOOOOOOOOOO! It's summertime and you know what that means: no school ice cream. The only challenge is to shovel it in your mouth faster than it can melt. Much like summer break, this treat goes by way too fast and you're left craving more. But lucky for you, we're living in the present and are about to make the best damn sundae you've ever had. What You'll Need: Vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, caramel, cake pieces, nuts, a year of pent-up academic aggression, a spoon. Fatty Factor: You'll make a cannonball splash just by stepping in the pool. Let's Get Baked: - Start off with your ice cream in a bowl (duh). - Add one layer of whipped cream to give the rest of your ingredients a soft bed to lay on. - Crumble up cake pieces, like you did with your final grades this semester. - Drop some nuts on there (If allergic, use more. Dad taught us that you'll never get over it without diving in head first). - Drown it all in caramel (try to refrain from dramatically pouring on your own head). For maximum satisfaction, add a second layer of everything listed above. It's been a long, tough year of drinking, thinking about studying, stumbling to class, drinking, frantically typing out a term paper, drinking, and taking finals. You deserve to relax a little, bud.

BOOZE REVIEW Jeppson’s Malört Grade: A++++

Tex Mex Wrote This

Over the years, The Black Sheep has put a lot of interesting things into our bodies. Sometimes, we regret it, but for the most part, we accept the learning experiences that make us dry heave with open arms because THAT’S HOW YOU LEARN, KYLE. So, when we present Malört with the esteemed “A+,” we’re not doing it because they’ve sponsored us like Redd’s® Apple Ale, the official drink of The Black Sheep. We’re doing it because Malört stands as the pinnacle of all hard alcohol learning experiences, both evil and benign.

- The Black Sheep staffers wanting to prank newer staff members. - The Black Sheep staffers in general.

Smells Like: We think there’s wormwood in there, so that probably means it’s got that decadent, smooth stench of most absinthe products. At least, you know, there’s a lower chance of this liqueur whispering in your ear to say, “Yeah, cut off your ear and give it to your girlfriend. She’ll love it, dude.”

You'll Like This if You Like: The polar opposite spectrum of either wanting to prove something to people or revel in your own apathetic self-loathing.

Tastes Like: A lot of quintessential things that are currently inexplicable through human cognition and emotion. So, think ego death, nirvana, and the inevitable heat death of the universe all in one convenient bottle.

What Your Ethereal Deity of Choice Would Say if They Saw You Drinking This: “So, like, I don’t get it. Do you want to spend the rest of eternity up or down? Because watching you finish a bottle of that was punishing as is.”

Typical Drinkers: - Apparently everyone in Chicago since it’s actually from there. - That one jaded seaman who downs this stuff like the salt water he’s regularly ingesting.

User Comments: - “This is frying my insides. Like, you guys, it’s actually burning up in there.” - “At this point, I’d rather have a mouthful of Warheads. At least that would sap all extension of feeling I have in my mouth.” - “So, this is what it’s like to transcend my mortal encasing of existence.” - “What is this? Mortle? Morta? Mortar?”

Best Described as the Russian Translation of Malört: “Chernobyl.” But like, seriously.

Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Nothing. Save for a cracker here and there. But just one cracker, mind you. We Mixed With: Courage, you pleb.

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UIUC Graduate Revealed to be 100 Squirrels in a Trench Coat Squirrel Man wrote this

Tyler Monroe is a seemingly typical U of I student who, like many of his peers, graduated this spring. But Tyler had been keeping a big secret for all these years though: he's not a human being. Once he received his diploma, Tyler revealed to the world that he’s not actually a person, but in fact one hundred squirrels in a trench coat. “Now that I’m done with college, I finally feel that I can come clean with who I really am,”Tyler said shortly after his graduation ceremony. “I’m not the guy everybody thinks I am. When people look at me, they think I’m just a normal guy who drinks beer and goes to parties like everyone else, but that’s not the real me. All along I’ve just been several squirrels in a trench coat, masquerading as a human. I only hope that everyone will understand.” Tyler took off his trench coat, and just as he claimed, he was nothing but a hundred squirrels standing on each other’s shoulders. The squirrels explained that they’ve been working in unison to disguise themselves as a person through an elaborate system of coordination. Needless to say, many of those closest to Tyler were especially surprised to learn this information. “I just couldn’t believe it,” said one longtime friend of Tyler’s, who lived with him for three years. “I can’t believe Tyler would lie to me about being squirrels in a trench coat. I feel so betrayed. You know, just when you think you know a guy, he shows you his true colors, and you don’t know if you can really trust anybody anymore. Although this does help to explain a lot of

his behavior, like his obsession with acorns and trash cans. That always seemed a little odd.” Perhaps even more shocked to learn about Tyler’s identity was Tyler’s girlfriend. “How could I have spent the last two years dating some squirrels in a trench coat?” asked his now-ex-girlfriend. “He could have told me the truth. I feel so ashamed for giving my heart to a guy who turned out to just be a bunch of furry critters. But to be honest, I still think the sex was amazing.” Tyler isn’t the only student to have made such a startling revelation upon graduating. Just a few years ago, one University of Illinois graduate revealed himself to be two midgets in a trench coat, and another few years before that, two graduates admitted that they were two creeps in trench coats. And while U of I has a policy against giving diplomas to weirdos, squirrels, and midgets, there’s no way to recind a diploma once it’s been awarded. That's why most people who are other things in trench coats don’t reveal their true identities until they’re officially done with college. “Even though I’ve become ostracized, I feel relieved to have come out as a hundred squirrels in a trench coat,” said Tyler in a hundred coordinated voices, no longer in costume. “But now the question is, what do I do with my political science degree? Poli-sci majors have a notoriously bad job market, and it’s even harder to get hired if you’re a bunch of squirrels. I think for now I’m just gonna go back to frolicking around the Quad and burying acorns.”

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS

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President Easter

EASTER RISING Flip a coin. If heads, President Easter will ascend to Valhalla in a catastrophic explosion destroying all opposing fighters. If tails, President Easter continues being your loveable second grandpa.

Nick Offerman

The Chief

Stare of seduction

“My retirement’s from this university, not from kicking your ass.” -- Robert Easter

All opposing fighters develop an affection for Nick Offerman. If the opponent pops a stiffy, the game is over. “Keep the Krannert stipend in your tuition… I’ll make it worth your while.” -- Nick Offerman

Weakness: Necronomicon

Weakness: Effeminacy

The Cartoon

resistance: Age

Resistance: Lesser Men

Misuse of culture After playing this card, it goes straight to the Graveyard. There’s like, no questions here, dude. Seriously, come on. “If you’re offended by this, stop being so sensitive.” – White U of I Graduate Weakness: T-shirt sales

Resistance: common sense

blacked out cartoons!

Can you identify them? If so, email us at pics@theblacksheeponline.com & win a prize!

WHAT GRADUATES WILL BE DOING WITH MAJORS IN 3 YEARS?

So, you’re graduating, huh? Think you’ve got it all planned out? Pretty certain you know what life’s about to throw at you? Get bent, short stop. We know goddamn well what you’ll be up to post-undergraduation, and this cleverly composed matching game proves your soon-to-be profession. - Ginger Schnapps

17) Creative Writing Q) Mail-person 18) Gender & Women’s Studies R) Custodian 19) Dance S) Admissions officer 20) Urban Planning T) Pot dealer 21) Political Science U) Hooters girl 22) Chemistry V) Bar mitzvah DJ 23) Theatre W) High school principal 24) English X) Food critic 25) Biology Y) Tour guide at U of I 26) Psychology Z) Oscar Mayer truck driver 27) Spanish AA) Garbage person 28) Communication BB) A poet/junkie 29) German CC) A “professional” escort 30) Horticulture DD) Jazz flutist

6) V 7) D 8) M 9) Q 10) BB

11) 12) 13) 14) 15)

T H L Z I

16) 17) 18) 19) 20)

R U E CC A

21) 22) 23) 24) 25)

F K P B J

26) 27) 28) 29) 30)

N W O Y DD

ANS WER KEY

1) C 2) G 3) AA 4) X 5) S

1) Economics A) Working at McDonald’s 2) French B) Mowing lawns 3) Architecture C) You’ll be in prison 4) Geography D) Chef 5) Nuclear Engineering E) Nuclear engineering 6) Philosophy F) Nannying 7) Computer Science G) Computer science 8) Graphic Design H) Working at Payless 9) Human Dev. & Family Studies I) Auto mechanic 10) Journalism J) A pornographer 11) Art history K) Working for the government 12) Marketing L) Writing for the The Black Sheep 13) Math M) Living with your parents 14) Physics N) Stay-at-home parent 15) Media Studies O) Stripper 16) Elementary Education P) Dog walker

can you solve the riddle?

The first 10 people to email us the riddle and answer will win a shirt, a bottle opener, or a mystery prize! Email your answers to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com. Good luck!

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

the wordsearch

sonic menu items (past & present)

Popcorn Chicken Chicago Dog Junior Burger Deluxe Burger Tots Ched R Peppers Onion Rings Cheese Fries Cherry Limeade Breakfast Burrito Bacon Toaster Island Fire Burger Grape CreamSlush Sonic Blast Root Bear Float Peanut Butter Shake Java Chiller Cinnasnacks Turtle Molten Sundae Corndog

ught, o h t d n a k Sheep *!t.” then c s a l s i B h e t n Th tter tha er read e v b e g e n i ’v eth If you ite som r w d l cou “Man, I

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Print • Mobile • Online

the Quiz: Wh␣t On C␣mpus Job Will You H␣ve This Summer? 1) School’s out! After your last final you immediately… a. Head out to bars! Time to rage! b. Head to the ARC pool, you need to catch some rays to de-stress. c. Hit the blunt and PTFO, you’re exhausted from finals. 2) Where can you be found on a typical Tuesday night? a. The library. The kids used to tease you; they’d call you a bookworm. b. Wine Night. c. Relaxing and smoking some pot with your pals. Alliteration’s like, so rad, man… 3) What’s your go-to strategy to study for finals? a. I take it slow and steady, a la Tortoise and the Hare. b. I cram a little, but also prepare ahead of time. c. Isn’t that what Adderall is for? 4) How many hookups have you had this past semester? a. 5-10 random make-outs, nothing TOO crazy. b. Uhh…I lost track in January. c. I’m in a serious relationship you nosy creep!!!

5) What’s your ideal summer vacation? a. Somewhere I can party. PCB round 2. b. Somewhere close and cheap. Wisconsin Dells? c. Any state with legal pot. Colorado? Washington? Shit, I don’t care. 6) How would you describe your perfect summer weather? a. Whatever’s chill, bruh. b. Hot and sticky so I can take my clothes off! c. Honestly, it doesn’t matter, ‘cause it’s summer regardless. Next question. 7) What’s your relationship status? a. Committed to Mary Jane. b. Single as fuck… but it’s okay, I guess. c. I’m just out here getting laid left and right! 8) How’d you do on your last final? a. I aced it, duh. b. Well… let’s just say I persuaded my TA to grade me leniently… c. Shit… I think it was yesterday. I was asleep.

by Ginger Schnapps

8-13 points: You’re gonna work at UIF!

You have a Type-A personality, you’re outgoing, and you love to rate. Get ready for a summer full of calling up alumni, talking to them for hours, and then partying with your fellow telemarketers after!

14-19 points: You’re gonna work at the ARC!

You hate yourself, but only a little. You make minimum wage, which is eh, but the hours are decent and you get to complain about the slackers when they’re not looking. Get excited for a mediocre summer!

20-24 points: You’re gonna work at Fat Sandwich!

You clearly love to chill, smoke the ganj, and give zero fooks. You and your co-workers can totally blaze all day, then eat delicious food all night when you’ve got the munchies. It’s a win-win! ANSWER KEY: 1: A=1, B=2, C=3; 2: A=2, B=1, C=3;

3: A=3, B=2, C=1; 4: A=3, B=1, C=2; 5: A=1, B=2, C=3;

6: A=3, B=1, C=2; 7: A=3, B=2, C=1; 8: A=2, B=1, C=3

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T OW E R 3 R D.C O M • 3 0 2 E . JO H N S T. S U I T E 1 0 0 • 2 17. 3 67. 072 0 Fees, amenities & utilities included are subject to change. Limited time only. See office for details.