Illinois - Issue 16 - 12/13/12

Page 1

The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue

Volume 21, Issue 16 12/12/12 - 12/21/12

theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_UIUC

und! turn aroding. just kid

r Check youpe! horosco7 pg. 1

You suckeer! chug a b

n let out faart audible w! ... no

t Figure oeuw your n ve! year's e pg. 8

y loudly sra” “hitle r wherevee. you ar

top read thepg. 9 10 on

e just tak a shot already.


TICKETS ON SALE NOW

Kam’s New Years Eve! $1 U-CALL-IT

WELLS • DRAFTS • BOTTLES

$2 U-CALL-IT PREMIUMS

DJ X Spinning All Night! FREE APPS, COAT CHECK AND PARTY FAVORS

TICKETS - $20

FIRST 100 TICKETS ONLY $15! STOP IN OR CALL (217) 337-3300

MUST BE 21 TO DRINK • IDs REQUIRED

Tickets Sell Out Early - Buy Yours Today!

KAM’S

CHECK OUT OUR FACEBOOK PAGE TO BUY TICKETS ONLINE! Follow Us! @ kamsillini

618 E. Daniel St. | Champaign | 217.337.3300 | kamsillini.com


contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 5: The Best Ways to Get Arrested During Finals

Stop studying the textbooks now, you won't need it.

page 6

page 6: Are You Smarter Than…

The Canopy Club Piano Man? Come on, he's just a music major!

page 7: The Real Story of Christmas We get in real deep, folks.

page 9

page 9: 'Twas the Night The World Ended Will poor Kevin finally get laid?

page 10: What late-night campus eatery are you? The entire staff got to the Fat Sandwich level.

page 16: Crazy Uncle Jackson's $20 Gift Basket Bonanza!!!

Table of

The best way to spread Christmas cheer is by being as cheap as possible.

page 18: Apocalyptic Gifts

Perfect gifts for the family before they're all dead.

page 18: from the streets

How do you carry on your college lifestyle when home?

page 19: the madlib

Fill in the _____ about the night before finals.

page 21: the christmas movie drinking game

make your millionth time watching a christmas story a special one.

page 18

Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Eric Blokel distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mike Lieber Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes, Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster, Molly Forrest Ashley Perl, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner, Ryan Rudolf, Sam Caravette

Find Us At...

pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Miseck Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747

Blind Pig 2 | Boltini | Brothers | Burnham 310 | Canopy Club | Clybourne | Cowboy Monkey | Discount Den | Electric Tan | Espresso Royal | Fat Sandwich | Firehaus | Follets | Fubar | Geovanti’s | Green St. Café | GSC 2 | Guidos | Guiliani’s | High Dive | Hooters | Howbowda Bagel | Indigo Place | Insomnia Cookies | Joe’s | Jupiters | Kams | Legends | Memphis on Maine | Murphy’s | Niro’s | One North| One South | One World | Piccadilly on First | Pita Pit | Potbelly | Qdoba | Roland Office | Silvermine | Solar Tan | Starbucks | Subway| Tanning next to Canopy | The Village | Tower at Third | Underground Printing | University Village | The Beef Stand | Zorba’s BINS ALL OVER CAMPUS, SOME DORMS, ALL GREEK HOUSES, AND MORE!!

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747


page Four p e e h S k c a l B e h T ile App

! k e e W e h t f o c i P

Mob

G GAMES DRINKIN | S C PI | PARTY IALS C SPE BAR SCAN TO DOWNLOAD

THE iPHONE APP

SCAN TO DOWNLOAD

THE ANDROID APP

Sexy Anagrams

#chickmagnet (Want to become famous next semester? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

word of the week Truce Coy Ex No

Bore Owl

Do you know who these celebrity hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

Pintessential

The undeniable urge to get very, very drunk immediately after completing one's last final of the semester. "Hey, I just totally bombed my chem final, I think it's pintessential that we go get blasted now that finals are over."


page 5

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

The Best Ways to Get Arrested During Finals Week Benny Boy wrote this Getting out of finals is not as delicate of an art as you might think. Some people will say that it’s all about faking sickness, manipulating professors, and banging TAs. However, the truth is that if you want to get out of a final, all you have to do is get arrested. And how does one get arrested? Nervous Breakdown in the UGL: The UGL during finals week is like a cage full of lions that haven’t been fed in weeks. You never know when somebody might snap and bite your face off. However, this might be one of the most fun ways to get arrested during finals. If you are sitting in the UGL studying for your Olde English exam and you feel the sudden urge to scream, remove your pants, and throw poop at people, go ahead and do it. No one in the Champaign Country Jail is going to willingly screw with a guy who hurls feces. Mid-test Masturbating: Pornography, contrary to popular belief, is humanity’s single greatest downfall. It is the bane of productive afternoons and straight As. Finals season is like shooting fish in a barrel for the coked-out, leisure-suit-wearing porn executives of the nation, as nothing makes somebody want to shake hands with beef more than having to study for finals. The issue, though, is that you may get so used to procrasterbation breaks in between work that it might be the only way that you can focus. If you are taking a test and you absolutely must touch yourself to continue working, it is only worth it if you finish on the “show your work” section. Become an Adderall Kingpin: In America, first you get the friend with ADHD, then you get the Adderall, then you get the constipation, then you get the grades. However, the selling of Adderall is a particularly dangerous game. For one, you are surrounded by irritable people at all times. You are selling drugs to anxious, stressed-out people that you purchased from anxious, stressed-out people with prescriptions. If you are selling your own prescription, then you yourself are a walking stomach ulcer, as you are selling away the thing which, you know, helps your brain work. Pot dealing is low risk in that your customers rarely leave their apartments. But with Adderall your customers are going out into the world and sharing all their thoughts with university staff members via a blue book. Plagiarize the DI: If done to a certain extent, plagiarism can become a legal matter. Everybody, at one point, has been tempted to rip off Wikipedia or a scholarly source from Google Scholar. The way people get tripped up, though, is when they start plagiarizing sources that never graduated from the second grade. Case in point: the Daily Illini. Let’s take a look at some examples. In an article printed at the beginning of this semester, a student reflected on his summer, “[sic] I love sumer. Over sumer I did swimming, ise cream, and bike with Derek. Derek is my friend. My mom said I was good

all summer!” Another article published at around the same time read, “[sic] This is why skool should be cancelled skool is not fun and I want to play outside with Derek but my Mom said I had to do homework it is not fair.” The point is, if you plagiarize the DI, people will know. Intellectually Inspired Riot on Green Street: Nothing gets people going like reading books and studying. Some people think that alcohol and drugs can start riots, but it's quite the opposite. When people drink they get stupid, but they know they get stupid. When people study they get a sense that they are smarter, which is a very dangerous thing. After this it is just a steep landslide into drum circles, lines on Green Street, and increased sales of V for Vendetta on DVD. If you are going to get arrested, then do it the Pussy Riot way (unless you think they sold out after “Ubey Seksista”). Getting out of finals is not done with lies, it is done with criminal activity! Will you go to jail? Yes. Will you get expelled? Yes. Will you take a final? Hell no. And hey, that’s a pretty good deal. At least in jail you get better food, and your roommate won’t keep you up all night playing Call of Duty, RIGHT DEREK? I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING THIS SUMMER, MAN.

3 REASONS TO SPEND

NYE AT JOE’S

#1

PARTY WITH THE MOST PEOPLE IN CHAMPAIGN - OVER 900 LAST YEAR! AND THOSE ARE SOME GREAT ODDS.

#2

IF YOU WATCH YOUR PARENTS FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE BALL EVEN DROPS, THE WORLD SHOULD’VE JUST ENDED.

#3

DO YOU WANT TO BE BROKE ALL SPRING JUST FOR ONE PARTY IN THE CITY? NOPE, DIDN’T THINK SO. BUY YOUR TICKETS ONLINE TODAY!

706 S. 5TH STREET | JOESBREWERY.COM

apply today for fall 2013

apply @ lofts54.com 217.366.3500 | 54 E . Chalmers St.


page 6

theblacksheeponline.com

are you smarter than? the canopy club piano man 1) United States History: Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963.

6) Entertainment: Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte -- among others -- failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character.

2) Food: The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world’s hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units.

7) Literature: This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike.

3) Geology: These plates’ edges are found at fault lines around the world. What huge pieces of rock make up the Earth’s crust?

8) World Religion: Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith. Which city is considered the holiest?

4) Math: Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle.

9) Biology: What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as?

5) Technology: The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this.

10) Current Events: Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair.

1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the edge of a circle to its center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle. 5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus

correct answers:

the piano man’s answers 1) Some old, abandoned warehouse. 2) No clue 3) Igneous rock 4) Radius is half the distance across, diameter is the whole distance, and circumference is the dis-

tance around the circle. 5) Search engine 6) Wolverine 7) Cormac McCarthy 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) David Petraeus

the piano man's score: 4/10 correct


page 7

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

The Real Story of Christmas Kev Insanes wrote this His name was St. Nick, but almost everyone just called him Dick. He was thirty-something, on the prowl, and always one of those over-achieving, self-entitled gents. His main preoccupation was scheming for tail, and he was always searching for new chicks to take back home. However, he was so far north that there just weren’t many women to choose from. It only took a few weekends at the local tavern until he had candy caned every girl in a hundred-mile radius. One day, Dick came up with a genius idea: If he was tired of the local lasses, then he was going to travel and meet new women; no more waiting for them to come to him. Yet there was one problem: he didn’t know how he was going to impress the women in the southern lands who had no idea who he was. Were a bunch of hot babes really going to want to get it on with some fat, jolly man who had a beard since he was fifteen? After much planning Dick came up with a brilliant idea to trick women into finding him attractive and generous. What do women love more than compliments and big shlongs? Gifts. Expensive, worthless, shiny gifts. Women love free things. For this reason, he decided he would create a toy factory, a place to create millions of presents for all the women of the world. He knew that if this endeavor were to get off the ground he would need lots of little toy-making people, well known today as elves. Dick built a huge factory that he could work and live in all year round. First, Dick had to change his name. After running through several possibilities, including Jolly St. Dick and The Great Red Dick, he finally settled on Santa Claus. Then, at just the right time in December, he would sneak into houses of women around the world through chimneystacks, and give out presents to all the girls (especially the bad ones). He was also in it to tease. He wanted women to get wet for him, to stay up at night and touch themselves while they waited for him. Often they would bake cookies for him and leave a glass of milk. Other times, they would lay there by the chimney waiting naked and horny. Prior to delivering presents, he would go to shopping malls and cities all across the world to scope out the women that walked past, making special notes of ones that he was exceptionally excited for. The crazy thing was that his plan was actually successful. These women ate him up, and he had unlimited amounts of pussy at his disposal. One night in particular, when he finished squeezing himself down what felt like a mile-long chimney, he met the most beautiful woman he had ever

seen. Her name was Mariah Carey. He pulled his large sack full of gifts out from the fireplace and sheepishly looked into her eyes. Mariah, in the softest, silkiest voice sung eight single words, “Baby, all I want for Christmas is you.” Simultaneously, this started the world’s number one Christmas song and ceased Santa’s pussy hunt. Santa sleighed Mariah, and they were immediately married. For a few years their marriage was strong, until Nick Cannon showed up and ruined everything. Soon after Mariah and Santa divorced, but Santa wasn’t so glum. At his and Mariah’s wedding Santa had met Mariah’s twin sister, Missus, who was just as sexy and charming. Though the marriage between Santa Claus and Missus Claus remains strong to this day, Missus knows Santa will forever be a pussy hound. In turn, she allows him one day a year to scour the earth for any tail he can find. So, next time you think you see mommy kissing Santa Claus under the mistletoe, don’t start eyeing the belt region, you just might see him slipping his Red-Nosed Rudolph into her Vixen.

apply today for fall 2013

great locations to campus + private bedrooms & bathrooms

campustownrentals.com | 217.366.3500


Your New Year's Eve: A flow chart

N O W HIRIN W RITING | MARK

ETING | PROMO

APPLY ONLINE AT

G ! TIONS |

SALES

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM


the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

The Top 10

page 9

Moments at U of I In 2012 No one pays for yearbooks in college. Instead of spending $100 on a book you’re not even in, there’s always free Facebook pictures and drunk tweets to look back on to help you remember your time here. Oh, and then there’s The Black Sheep’s countdown of the top ten best moments at U of I this year. 10.) The Daily Illini Went There: Campus was slightly surprised when the DI published an editorial that slammed studying abroad. Umm, isn’t U of I home to a significant population of international students? Psh! For new culture, everyone should’ve looked no farther than applying for inner-city jobs. Surburb-ians, flee home! 9.) Poop Girl: May we never forget the lady who graced The Red Lion … and our cell phones … and the front page of QuickMeme. If she were on Wheel of Fortune, all she would have had to do was buy a bowel. That joke should be in the bloopers, or rather “poopers,” from that night at The Red Lion.

‘Twas the Night

the World Ended

Grace of Spades wrote this

December 21, 2012 Dear Journal, This is it. I’ve been on this earth for 22 years and have never once inserted my love-stick into a lady. I was taught since day one: “Abstinence, Kevin! Don’t be a sinner, Kevin! Wait till you’re married, Kevin!” I’ve followed all of Father Johnson’s advice but for what? The world is going to end at midnight, and I’m going to die a virgin. A VIRGIN! How embarrassing. I bet the Mayans threatened to behead everyone who remained a virgin for too long because it was a disgrace to his or her family. And now here I am at the end of their stupid calendar, not even a full-fledged man. Are there even Mayans left on this planet? What a bunch of dicks! How come they get to decide when the world ends? Did they even think of poor idiots like me who actually follow the rules? No! And you know what? I’m sick of following the rules! I only have a few hours left on this earth, so I’m going to do what I was born to do: I’m going to rail that girl Jessica who lives down the hall. I know she wants it because she’s already had sex with everyone else in this apartment building and I’m the only one left. But I’m not quite sure it will be as easy as everyone makes it seem. How do I ask her to let me penetrate her? Moreover, how do I physically penetrate her? What if I’m too nervous and can’t get a boney? Or what if I do get a boney and then finish way too quick? Do I wear a condom? Normally, yes I guess I would. But not now, no. Hell no! It’s the last day on Earth. What if she has Chlamydia though? Maybe I should protect myself. You never know. Whatever, no. I’m not wearing one. Do I even have to ask her or can I just go in her room and do it? Is that rape? Yeah, I think so. It sounds like it. Okay I’m just going to text her. How does this sound? “Hey Jess! This is Kevin from 213. I know I barely know you, but I was wondering if you wanted to go grab some dinner tonight and then watch a movie in my double bed. I was thinking How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Girls love that movie, right? Okay, let me know. Or just stop by. Whatever works for you! I’m up for anything! I’m just that kind of guy. Also, would you like to have sex? –Kevin” Shit, that’s awful. I’m not sending that; it’ll never work. How does a guy get laid around here? Diary, Help! You’ve been my best friend for twenty years, but now I need you to get me some ass. Okay, let’s try this again. “Yo, Jessica, what’s good? It’s your boy Kev from down the hall. Are you tryna get stuffed tonight? I’ve heard your tits are decent. Let me know before midnight.” Send. NO! CANCEL! CANCEL! No! It’s gone. I can’t believe I actually sent that. She’s going to think I’m a huge idiot. Oh God. Now what? Wait … new text message? Oh my God, she actually responded?! What? No way! “Hi Kevin! Hey, I’ve noticed you, and I think you’re totally cute. I’d definitely be interested in…” *WORLD EXPLODES*

8.) You Can Spell “Illini” Without “Win”: Hooray! U of I hired new football and basketball coaches for the fall! Little did the bleeding orange and blue fans realize that Illini football would start out 2-1 … and not really get much better than that. Oh well, there’s always next year, right Chicago Cubs? Basketball seems pretty promising at the moment, but that could also just be Stockholm syndrome. 7.) Lincoln Hall Reopened: Could it be? Lincoln Hall is finally done with construction! That’s too bad though. Those restrictive chain link fences and Transformer-like heavy machinery were actually appealing. Daydream away gals and dudes, those construction worker fantasies will live on in your minds while “learning” away in Lincoln Hall. 6.) Ron Paul Visits: Ron Paul, ladies and gents! The man who made it to U of I but not to the elections. The same man who caused a location switch from Foellinger to Huff Hall due to high demand. So much good that did him. Together in unison, U of I students think, “Crap, it was an election year?!” 5.) A Smoke-Free Campus: Campus officials proposed a ban on smoking across campus for the upcoming year. Yeah right, like that would happen. That’s like trying to ban Unofficial. Drink and smoke away, Fighting Illini. We’re taking down that Surgeon General and its tobacco warnings. Right after we catch our breath. 4.) Glowfest: Whoa, man, that was trippy. You truly did light up Chambana. ‘Nuff said. Please return to the cornfields of central Illinois sooner rather than later, with as many highlighters and paint as possible. Thanks. 3.) The Almost Strike: Graduate students were shaking in their socks and sandals when administrators threatened to cut their tuition waivers. Officials caved when things were just about to get interesting with a full-on strike, and the Quad was about to get helluva lot more crazy. And then it didn’t happen. This will go down in the history books as The Almost Strike: It could’ve happened, but it didn’t. How anticlimactic. 2.) Domo Arigato, Mr. Illinois Roboto: Okay, so there was an unwatched bag near the Armory and people freaked. Cops blocked off the area. Then they brought in this crazy, insane, wicked robot that shot electric flames and made Illinois ten times cooler. When the robot zapped the bag, there was nothing potentially harmful in it. Once again, another anticlimactic day for the Fighting Illini. The Illini Union bookstore was probably behind the whole thing, as they made bank off the person who had to replace their books. 1.) The Missing Alma Mater: It’s true, she’s gone. They just picked her up and shuttled her away to Chicago like no one would notice. Joke’s on you, statue cleaners, we noticed! Nothing could possibly fill the void, except every single student with the “original” idea to pose as the Alma Mater on her stoop before heading down Green Street. But when she comes back, it will be like the end of The Breakfast Club. The Alma Mater’s new pose will be her fist in the air. “Don’t you, forget about me. Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t…”

becky jacobs wrote this


page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

Quiz: What Late-Night Campus Eatery Are You?

4.) Your karaoke jam at White Horse is… a. “Bohemian Rhapsody” by … yourself. b. “Unintelligible Speech and Slobbering Over the Mic” by You. c. “Milkshake” during Dad’s Weekend.

7. A) 1 B) 2 C) 3 8. A) 2 B) 1 C) 3

answer key

7.) After leaving Red Lion, you... a. Collect your friends and grab some food. b. Serenade the bouncer to a dubstep remix of "Closing Time." c. Pass out and shit yourself for public display. 8.) The next morning, you wake up next to… a. A mega-attractive mate who wants to get breakfast and further complement your performance in the sack! b. No one. c. A goat that you got matching tattoos with. 5. A) 1 B) 2 C) 3 6. A) 3 B) 2 C) 1

3.) What is tonight's objective (bar of choice)? a. "Who’s up for some venereal diseases?" (Kam’s) b. "I have no idea what I’m drinking, but damn it looks cool!" (Firehaus) c. "Grab a pitcher with some buds and good tunes!" (Murphy’s)

6.) When the person you’ve been dancing with leaves, you… a. Follow them wherever they go until a cop cockblocks you. b. Blow off your friends for some questionable poon tang. c. Casually wave goodbye and wish them luck in their future academic endeavors.

3. A) 3 B) 2 C) 1 4. A) 1 B) 3 C) 2

2.) On the way to the first bar... a. You’ve vomited in front of Kam’s to help the smell. b. You’re stumbling a bit, but courteous to those around you. c.You’ve picked a fight with the wrong sidewalk and lost.

5.) When someone challenges you to the poles at Joe's, you say, a. "Oh, heavens no. I’ll embarrass myself, silly!" b. "You’ve just challenged an intercollegiate pole champion. Prepare yourself.” c. "I am going to coat this pole filthy with my bare genitals."

1. A) 1 B) 2 C) 3 2. A) 2 B) 1 C) 3

1.) How hard did you go during the pre-game? a. “Just a beer or two, man.” b. “Bro, I slammed so many shots. You don’t even know.” c. ”Pretty hard; I finished off everyone else’s drink, too.”

Tex Mex Wrote This

8-12 points: insomnia cookies You barely have any alcohol to soak up, and the gods of drunk food frown upon your performance. So instead of gorging with your friends, you’re stuck nibbling on overpriced cookies surrounded by the blissful couples who didn’t go out tonight. 13 – 18 points: Geovanti’s You’ve perfected the art of balance. Sure, Geo’s has failed numerous health inspections, but nothing stands between you and orgasmic, deep-fried chicken strips at this point. Even when you projectile vomit down the stairs while leaving, you do so with a smile, a thumbs-up, and dignity, God dammit. 19 – 24 points: Fat Sandwich What have you done?! You’ve gotten so trashed that even Pandora won’t open your box. In your drunken disorientation, you find yourself thinking it’s ok to purchase something called a Fat Magnum. Once a stranger whispers, “I’ve got your Fat Magnum right here,” into your ear, you’re in a very, very dangerous place.


If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page!

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

New Years Eve Extravaganza! Monday, December 31st Party Favors, Leis, Noise Makers and More Champagne Toast at Midnight Ring in 2013 Right!

Thursday Night's Show! ULTRAVIOLET HIPPOPOTAMUS with THE COOP and ZMICK 3 Bands for 3 Bucks!

New Years Eve 2013 at Clybourne - $1 U CALL IT Get Discount Tickets! Use the Code "SHEEP" Buy online at www.TheClybourne.com

Friday! Cameron McGill, 8pm, $5 w/ Pravada and A Cool Hand DJ Mingram at 11:30pm

WEDNESDAY 12/12

$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas

New Years Eve 2013 at Clybourne $1 U CALL IT Get Discount Tickets! Use the Code "SHEEP." Buy online at www.TheClybourne.com

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURSDAY 12/13

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

ULTRAVIOLET HIPPOPOTAMUS with THE COOP and ZMICK 3 Bands for 3 Bucks!

Red Lion Thursday BOMBS & SHACKER NIGHT $1 BOMBS & $3 SHACKERS! One Night Only!

Amy Mitchell Band, $5 w/ For Great Justice and Mike Bray & Friends | Starts at 10pm

FRIDAY 12/14

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

MISS A, DJ MARSH and more!

Red Lion DOLLAR PARTY $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $1 Burnetts Whipped Vodka

Cameron McGill, 8pm, $5 w/ Pravada and A Cool Hand DJ Mingram at 11:30pm

SATURDAY 12/15

Open at 11am! $1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

THE GREAT DIVIDE with THE HEROIC CHARADE and THE 10s

New Years Eve 2013 at Clybourne $1 U CALL IT Get Discount Tickets! Use the Code "SHEEP." Buy online at www.TheClybourne.com

The Sugar Prophets, 8pm, $5 Live Blues and Rock N Roll!

SUNDAY 12/16

Closed

BOOTS & BOOZE Live Country Music & Cheap Drinks! NO Cover!

Keep up with Clybourne Online! Facebook: "Clybourne Champaign" Twitter @TheClybourne

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

MONDAY 12/17

MASON JAR MONDAY! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts $3 Double Wells $3 Double Jack and Double Soco

** Closed **

FINALS WEEK $2 Wells at Clybourne! starts Tuesday

Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

TUESDAY 12/18

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

OPEN DECKS Think you're a DJ? Come out and show us! Hosted by DJ MELLOW $2 Red Bull well drinks

WINE NIGHT plus $2 Wells! $8 Bottles of Wine, $2 Wells $2 312 Bottles

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm

WEDNESDAY 12/19

$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas

$2 Wells $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas


W IN NO MOVE T A $200 GE AND CARD! GIFT

if you need it, we’ve got it!

We’re Pet Friendly!

from the location to the impeccable amenities, and everything in between, who said you couldn’t have it all?

Amenities? We’ve Got ‘Em! Amazing Location Theater Room Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge Fitness Center

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

217.239.2310 | BURNHAM310.COM | 310 E. SPRINGFIELD | IMMEDIATE MOVE INS AVAILABLE!

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

New Years Eve 2013 at Firehaus - $1 U CALL IT Get Discount Tickets! Use the Code "SHEEP" Buy online at www.FirehausBar.com

WED. 12/12

End of the World Party 12-12-12, Party Like There's No Tomorrow! $3 Shocktop End of the World Wheat, $2 Tullamore Dew, $2 Sailor Jerry

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Open Mic Wednesdays, $2 Coors Light Special Night and Miller Light Draft Come Play! Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from Apps 6-8 every day. 1/2 Off (After 5pm) Free pool during happy hour!!! $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

WPGU Present Operation Santa: Doors/Bar at 9pm, $5 Help us raise money for kids this holiday!

SATURDAY

MNJ NYE Tickets on Sale Now! Limited Supply Available for $15 at JoesBrewery.com!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

MNJ NYE Tickets on Sale Now! Limited Supply Available for $15 at JoesBrewery.com!

$3 Strong Islands

THURSDAY 12/13

12 Days of Christmas Everyday we will add a $2.50 Special until we have 12 specials on December 22nd $2.50 Malibu, $2.50 Soco, $3 Jack

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Book a Party or Special Event! 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

Beer, a Bomb and a Burger $2 Bud Lights $2 Jager Bombs

FRIDAY 12/14

$5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries All Day 12 Days - Day 3 $2.50 Fireball Whiskey

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney! $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID

Happy Hour Under the Heat Lamps! $2 Kentucky Apple Shots $3 Jim Beam $3 Pinnacle Drinks

SATURDAY 12/15

12 Days - Day 4 $2.50 Cruzan Rum CFB Bowl Games Arizona vs Nevada - Noon #22 Utah St. vs Toledo 3:30pm $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the NCAA and NBA Action at Guido's!

WPGU Present Operation Santa: Doors/Bar at 9pm, $5 Help us raise money for kids this holiday!

Party it up under the heat lamps!

SUNDAY 12/16

BEARS vs PACKERS at Noon $2 ANYTHING! $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

MONDAY 12/17

12 Days of Christmas - Day 7 $2.50 Sweet Revenge - SoCo Sauza Tequila - Bud Lt. Bottles Cruzan - Fireball - SoCo - Malibu HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4-9pm

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

Check out our Burger of the Week! Monday Night Joes $2 Sailor Jerry

TUESDAY 12/18

TIME WARP TUESDAY $2 Wells, $2 Fireball 1/2 Price Sharkbowls!

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

1/2 Price Burgers and $2 Blue Moons Tequila Tuesday & the 8th Grade Dance

WED. 12/19

New Years Eve 2013 at Firehaus - $1 U CALL IT Get Discount Tickets! Use the Code "SHEEP" Buy online at www.FirehausBar.com

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

MNJ NYE Tickets on Sale Now! Limited Supply Available for $15 at JoesBrewery.com!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

The Original Sunday Funday with DA BEARS! 25% Off Appetizers and $3 22oz Bud Lights


BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our MOBILE APP! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID

NYE at Legends! NO COVER! Free Party Favors Free Champagne Toast

Homemade Chili and Seasonal Fall Soups Now Available!

NEW YEARS EVE 2013 at RED LION! $1 U CALL IT Tickets are selling fast Don't wait, we will sell out! www.RedLionChampaign.com

Bud Girls Every Wednesday Night $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks/ $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries! Logo Glass Night w/ $4 Pints and $2 Refills Upcoming Logos: Nov 7 Hamm's Premium, Nov 14: Coors Light NFL

12-12-12 End of the World Party..... RADIOACTIVE! Everything Glows! Drinks - Shots - Glowsticks! No School on Thursday!

WED. 12/12

$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles

BOMBS & SHACKER NIGHT $1 BOMBS & $3 SHACKERS! One Night Only!

THURS. 12/13

DOLLAR PARTY $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $1 Burnetts Whipped Vodka $3 Vegas & Jager Bombs!

FRI. 12/14

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Kam's New Years Eve! First 100 Tickets Only $15 DJ X Spinning All Night $1 U-Call-It Wells, Drafts and Bottles Call (217) 337-3300 or Check Our FB Page to Buy Tix Online!

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S

Klub Kam’s! All High Energy w/ DJ Sevlo

$3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks, $2 Big Long Islands, $1.50 16oz Hamm’s $2 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2.00 Jager Bombs

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$2 16oz Lite & Coors Lt Btls $4 Blue Guys DJ DASH spins the Nite Party w/ the Cuervo Girls!

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Q Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $5 Skyy, Wild Turkey, Beam Dbls $2.25 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Coor’s Light, Miller Lite, Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

$2.50 Bud Lt. Cans $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks

$2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. & Rum Chata Shots, $5 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles, $2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints, $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints, $7.50 Leine, Killians, Mich. Amber, & Shock Top Pitchers

NEW YEARS EVE 2013 at RED LION! $1 U CALL IT Tickets are selling fast Don't wait, we will sell out! www.RedLionChampaign.com

SAT. 12/15

$2.50 Coronas $3 Any Draft

Trivia Night! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

Sunday December 30th EVE of the EVE $2 U CALL IT at The Clybourne The Biggest Party before NYE!

SUN. 12/16

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Nite Turn – A –Bout Guys Bartend – Girls Bounce BIG ASS DRINKS $2 32oz Drafts & Double Soco Drinks $4 Double Jack & Blue Guys Southern Comfort Girls

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

Karaoke Night! $5.50 Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries $4.00 Long Islands

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

MON. 12/17

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Nite Drinkin in Ur Mason Jar! $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3.00 Blue Guys, $2.00 Sauza

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles, $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge

TUES. 12/18

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bud Girls Every Wednesday Night $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks/ $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries! Logo Glass Night w/ $4 Pints and $2 Refills Upcoming Logos: Nov 7 Hamm's Premium, Nov 14: Coors Light NFL

NEW YEARS EVE 2013 at RED LION! $1 U CALL IT Tickets are selling fast Don't wait, we will sell out! www.RedLionChampaign.com

WED. 12/19

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Catch the Bowl Games Here! $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells Funday Sunday- Industry Night! $2.00 Anything in the House $5 Personal Pizzas U get It All Here! with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders


I

Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my

YOU A QUESTION

ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU WANT, BECAUSE THE ANSWER WILL ALWAYS BE THAT THE VILLAGE IS THE PLACE FOR YOU! • 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING.

• WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATENIGHT SERVICE. • AND SO MUCH MORE!

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com


HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX blowin’ up

Les Miserables WIZ KHALIFA - O.N.I.F.C.

DJANGO UNCHAINED

KESHA - WARRIOR

WII U

Bruno Mars Unorthodox Jukebox

lame

cool Big boi - vicious lies and dangerous rumors

GUARDIANS OF MIDDLE EARTH GUILT TRIP

JaCK REACHER ANGELS AND AIRWAVES STOMPING THE PHANTOM BRAKE PEDAL

under-hyped

HOTLINE MIAMI


Crazy

s ' n o s k c a J e l c n U

t f i g 0 2 $

! ! ! a z n a n o b t e k s a b

Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money. Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a Scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?

for the very virginal Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”

• 1 Pint of shitty vodka ($4): When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it. • 1 Trojan Pleasures Extended 3-pack ($5): Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early. • 1 Pocket Kama Sutra ($6): Yes, page one has the missionary position on it. • 1 4gb MircoSD Card ($4): He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data.

for the mother hen Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her. • 1 Magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10): With eagleeye vision, she’ll be able to protect other groups of girls

from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun. • 1 Leash ($6): Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close. • 1 Whistle bracelet ($2): As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box. • 1 Appointment book ($2): If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.

for the brokest of bros He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one. Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change. • 1 Maruchan Top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50): He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog. Dude’s starving. • 1 12oz bottle of Sriracha

sauce ($3): Everything he eats may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms. • 2 Months of NetFlix streaming ($9): The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache. • 1 Charmin Ultra Soft 4-pack ($6): Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.

for the rowdy roommate The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny. The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet. • 1 Dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6): Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix this shit immedi-

ately” like spackle for the holidays. • 1 Great Neck 1-inch putty knife ($6): The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not. • 1 Woolite Pet Stain & Odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4): It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit. • 1 Korky Plunger ($4): Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.”

for the super study buddy If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now. You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick? • 1 Starbucks gift card ($5): She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you

by morning. • 1 Study Smart, Study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8): If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night? • 1 Post-it tags ($4): She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important. • 1 Funky Star sticker roll ($3): Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her.

for the hometown homeboy Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday -- an actual phone call! Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices. Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do. • 1 Soda Can Stash ($8): No matter the vice, a parent will find it. Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can. • 4 Random shirts from the local Goodwill ($4): When she’s

forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” tshirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for bigconference sports brings. • 1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5): When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one. • 1 Community college bumper sticker ($3): When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions. Score, social strata superiority.


real talk with mizz kuh: your love life in 2013 Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20) Everything happens for a reason. Remember how upset you were about that required class you had to take at 8 a.m.? Well say hello to an afternoon delight-worthy Gemini who suddenly makes seeing the sunrise a beautiful thing. Bonus: Free rides home on Tuesdays and Thursdays! But be careful, because you still have to wake up stupid early to go to the damn thing. Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Bad things come to those who wait. The cafeteria cutie smiles at you when you order extra cheese on Taco Tuesdays, but it only leads to being hella gassy later. When new employees roll in come late February, you’re suddenly more interested in Sundae Sundays. Bonus: Your calcium intake won’t change at all! But be careful, because ice cream when you’re hungover is a terrible idea. Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Idle hands are the Devil’s playground, and we all know how much you love spending time with that asshole. If you ever opened your fluttery eyes, you’d notice how many people don’t hang out in playgrounds. Try opening a book in February, even if it’s only your MacBook in a very public coffee shop. Bonus: You may just find the thick-rimmed-glasses hottie you’ve always wanted! But be careful, because coffee will stain your pretty white teeth.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) If you give an inch, they take a mile. Sure, you just really want to make out with the hottie down the hall, but that doesn’t mean they should drink your handle dry. For God sakes grow some balls, stop supplying booze for the mooch (a, what, psycho Aries?) and start seeing your real friends again. Bonus: More money in your pocket and less pathetic phone calls to the parents! But be careful, because hottie down the hall still has your sweet bong. Better get that back, chief.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) A picture is worth a thousand words, which explains why you do more staring at hotties than actual interaction with them. We know it’s scary to get rejected, but it’s scary sitting alone with a bottle of wine every night, too. Rekindle with an alwayshad-a-crush-on friend around the holidays, because a New Year’s kiss will start 2013 out just right. Bonus: You’ll have a drinking buddy! But be careful, because sloptastic kisses don’t leave good impressions.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) The meek might inherit the Earth, but you will rule the shit out of it until then. Roaring your way into every bar in town is fulfilling, but it’s a bit overwhelming at times because drunks just can’t help but drool over you. Grace one person’s presence and stick with them around the holidays. Bonus: Someone to get freak-ay with all the time! But be careful, because you might just get bored by next weekend’s bedtime.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) They say you should do one thing every day that scares you, and you can only take that one way. You’d rather find an interesting place on campus to get a little sexy with than just about anything else. Look out for a cutie towards the beginning of spring, an empty dressing room, and then a place with cheap beer. Bonus: You’ll finally start accomplishing that bucket list! But be careful, because you don’t want to get banned from your favorite clothing store.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22) Drunk words are sober thoughts and by God you need to shut your Twitter. Have you even seen your drunken tweets? Circa Saturday at 3:23 a.m.? “once you go black you gettt shots and joints heyyyyyyyyyy.” While Twitter has a delete function, your ethnic friends’ memories do not, you racist. Bonus: Never hurts to date a stoner! But be careful, because you’re suddenly listening to way more Sublime than you ever thought.

t s e f r e t n wi ! d e v i r r a s ha WS! F HOLIDAY BRE O N IO T C LE E S COME TRY OUR 2 Refill: $4 Mug & Fill / $ Amber bock, b lo e h ic M , at e h ht W Shocktop Midnig Vanilla Porter ft ri d w o n S l’s e g Lienenku / $2.50 Refill: $4.50 Mug & Fill tout, r, Murphy’s Irish S e g La r te in W ’s 1554, Sam Adam e Ale Bell’s Winter Whit

r mber to get you ce e D ll a in e m o C they’re gone! re fo e b g u M st Winterfe 604 East Green Street | (217) 344-4372

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. So you got your heart broken right as the school year started, and it’s been a tough time gettin’ back on your feet. Keep your eye out around the holidays for a particularly caring cutie who will appreciate your newfound strength. Bonus: This may just be the person who loves egg nog as much as you do. But be careful, because rushing into anything too quick will make you queasy.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. The problem is, you couldn't give a fuck. It’s good to speak your mind but, just like Instagram, a good filter can really work wonders. Find a kind Pisces (who you’ll want to use that filter around) and a place to talk less, like the movies. Bonus: We heard Lincoln was awesome! But be careful, because shedding a tear on the first date might be a little too emotional. Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) You’re only as good as the company you keep, and you’ve been doing some appropriate cleaning up. Great job, but now you have to find new peeps who won’t screw you over. We’ve got a feeling a co-worker around springtime will be just the person to get you back on your feet. Bonus: Spring cleaning means you’ll finally get those pipes cleaned out! But be careful, because relationship drama at work is only fun for about three hours. Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. Just like when you lent your favorite lighter to the cute Cancer you met at the bar, you know that if everything really does happen for a reason, you’ll see them again and get that Bic back. Stop daydreaming for one minute, think about the people that really matter, and go get ‘em. Bonus: Maybe losing your lighter will finally cut your smoking habit! But be careful, because getting into a habit of bumming cigs is just rude.


page 18

theblacksheeponline.com

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

How do you carry on your college lifestyle when home? "Not having to worry about school means partying even harder… but also home doesn’t have Kam’s." - Hayden J., Junior

Apocalyptic Gifts

kitty kat wrote this

Even though Christmas is just a week or so away, there’s a possibility that we may not live to see it. December 21, 2012 is a date that’s been tossed around a lot lately because the Mayans “conveniently” forgot to include it on their wonderful little calendar invention. Some say the world will explode, be overtaken by zombies, or be visited by the big ol’ dude in the sky. No matter what your belief is, there’s one huge problem coming from all of this: We need to do our Christmas shopping even earlier now. We can’t just not get people presents; Christmas will just have to come a few days sooner this year. So with the apocalypse as our theme, here are a few gift ideas to give away this holiday season, so as to make sure the people you truly love and care for will thoroughly enjoy their last few days of life. For those of you who typically don’t participate in the gift-giving season (either because you’re poor or your favorite phrase is, “Bah, humbug!”) you should really give it a shot this year. Here’s a gift that almost anyone can make: Open up your Windows Movie Maker, copy and paste a few cheesy family pictures, add a title slide, and set the whole thing to a country song. This will send mom into tears and make her think that it actually took you more than five minutes to put together. It’s thoughtful, personal, and—like they always say—anything you do on the computer never goes away. Even if the bowels of Hell rise up and wipe out Earth in its entirety. Speaking of Hell and flames, a small stocking stuffer that your friend might enjoy is a small tube of burn ointment. Doesn’t need to be anything fancy; a generic brand will do. They won’t be looking for it to say “Neosporin” on the side when the sky is falling and aliens are shooting down death rays and tongues of flame. If you have adorable grandparents that haven’t perished yet, here’s a helpful gift that will also remind them of “the good ol’ days.” Say it with me now: Bomb shelter! Bomb shelters were all the rage during the Cold War, and let’s face it, we might as well prepare for something equally

as awful. Hook grandma and grandpa up with a state-of-the-art fallout shelter right in their own backyard. Go the extra mile and make sure to stock it up with as many nonperishable items you can get your hands on. After all, they’re old; old people love collecting more canned food than they’ll ever eat. Plus it’s the holidays. There are a lot of food drives going on this time of year, and if you’re quick you can steal a donation container or two before anyone notices. If you’re afraid of what life will be like once you cross over onto the other side, maybe it’s a good idea to buy a gift for yourself too: a Bible. Might want to toss in a cross and a rosary too, like your own little gift basket. Make sure you have a favorite verse picked out, because they won’t let you into Heaven if you say your favorite part was “that time Jesus healed that blind guy and shit.” On the other hand, since we’re all gonna die, it’s time to stop holding back. Find the guy or girl you’ve been pursuing for who knows how many years and give it up to them. That’s right, give them your virginity (and if you don’t have it, you should still bang ‘em anyway). Everyone’s going to be doing it at the end of the world anyway. You shouldn’t be left out. To top everything off, Christmas dinner should be the Big Fat Ugly challenge. It doesn’t matter that it costs $25 and you’ll just throw up afterwards. In a day, you won’t need money or food in your stomach anymore. And even if the world doesn’t end on December 21st, I think it’s safe to say that out of all of these compulsive gift purchases, the only one you’ll regret is the trip to Fat Sandwich. Nobody knows for sure what will happen on December 21st. Hell, demons could make us their slaves, we could be sucked up into a black hole, or the city of Champaign could run out of beer. Most likely, though, is that the world is just going to have more hungover people with crabs. Nevertheless, you should always prepare for the worst.

$6.50 LATE NIGHT SPECIALS Everyday after Midnight! WE DELIVER!

Geovanti’s

Chicken & Pizza

"I get really drunk and go to my basement that has a pipe leakage to pretend I’m at Kam’s. " - Jake K., Sophomore

ITALIAN BEEF W/ FRIES | 3pc CHICKEN STRIPS W/ FRIES GYRO W/ FRIES | LARGE CHEESE PIZZA IL 401 E. GREEN | (217) 344-4600 | GEOVANTIS.COM

T UN RY EN VE OP M E HT! 3A NIG

"I turn every mundane show on TV into a drinking game." - Jay P., Senior


the madlib

'Twas the Night Before Finals

‘Twas the night before finals and all through _____1_____, not an asshole was sober not even _____2_____. _____3_____ was passed out, on that gross disgusting couch, while visions of _____4_____’s titties danced in their head. When out on _____5_____’s dance floor there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my _____6_____ to see what was the matter. And outside the window there was a red flash, _____7_____ went to the bathroom to flush his stash. When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear but a homeless Santa with _____8_____-ounce beers! More shitfaced than _____9_____ over to the bar he came, and he whistled at _____10_____ and called the barkeeps mean names! “Now Dickbag, now Skankwhore! Now _____11_____-Sack and Asshole! On _____12_____-Wipe! On Douchebag and that Mouth-breathing Scumbag!” He spoke not a word but went straight to _____13_____ and filled all the shot glasses with creamy _____14_____ liquid. He sprang to the _____15_____ and chased it with _____16_____. But he was hauled off to jail where he would surely get a new _____17_____ date. But I heard him exclaim, as he kicked the officer’s _____18_____, “_____19_____ Christmas to all, and I fucked your _____20_____!”

1) Where you live 2) Someone who sucks 3) Name of roommate 4) Person on reality TV show 5) Bar on campus 6) Piece of furniture 7) Name of your drug dealer 8) Lucky number 9) Name of a raging alcoholic 10) An attractive bartender

11) Term for genitalia 12) Curse word 13) Slang term for masturbation 14) Color 15) Hard alcohol 16) Recreational drug 17) Adjective 18) Body part 19) Negative adjective 20) Type of relative

Rudolf Wrote This

CHECK OUT OUR NEW LOW RATES

Y PL AP AY D TO

apply online today. spaces are going fast.

Now an American Campus community • great location – walk to class • 8th f loor rooftop swimming pool • private bedroom 309Green .com • 309 E. Green, Suite 103 • 217.366.3500


the riddle

Can you figure out this riddle? Do you know the answer to said riddle? Wow, really!? Well, send your answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and if you’re right, you’ll win something sweet!


the CHRISTMAS MOVIES DRINKING GAME

Home Alone

A Christmas Story

Take a drink any time a scene features hilarious head trauma. Take a drink when anyone says, “Uhh, he should be dead, right?” Take a drink when you notice product placement. Take a drink for “KEVIN!” Take two drinks when someone crashes into the McCallister lawn jockey. Take two drinks for every Old Man Marley sighting. Take two drinks when Kevin talks to himself and/or breaks the fourth wall. Chug your drink during “Carol of the Bells.”

Take a drink for every mention of a Red Rider BB Gun. Take a drink when Ralphie daydreams. Take a drink when Mom serves food. Take a drink when someone says “you’ll shoot your eye out.” Take a drink when Randy whines or cries. Take two drinks when the neighbor’s dogs piss off Mr. Parker. Take two drinks for every Wizard of Oz reference. Chug your drink during the Chinese renditions of “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells.”

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Elf

Take a drink when someone says “Rudolph.” Take a drink when Rudolph’s nose lights up. Keep drinking for the duration of Rudolph’s lit nose. Take a drink every time that smug snowman interrupts the story. Take two drinks when a new Christmas character is introduced. Take two drinks at every Abominable Snowman sighting. Take three drinks in honor of the Island of Misfit Toys. Chug your drink when Rudolph flies.

Take a drink when the Naughty or Nice List is referenced. Take a drink when someone mentions Christmas Spirit. Take a drink when Buddy sings. Take a drink when Buddy eats something he is not supposed to. Take a drink when Maple syrup is shown or mentioned. Take a drink when Buddy tells anyone he loves them. Take two drinks when Buddy says “cotton-headed ninny muggins.” Chug your drink when Mr. Narwhal pops up.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Take a drink when Clark endangers himself or others in pursuit of the ultimate Christmas. Take a drink when something goes wrong. Take a drink when a calendar door is opened. Take a drink when Clark messes with the neighbors, either by accident or on purpose. Take a drink when any animal or person messes with the Griswold Christmas tree. Take two drinks when Clark is irritated by Cousin Eddie. Take two drinks when Clark’s bonus is referenced in conversation. Finish your drink for every family lesson learned/attempted.

The Muppet Christmas Carol Take a drink when Gonzo and Rizzo get into an argument. Take a drink when a bell rings or a clock tolls. Take a drink for each Muppet you name incorrectly. Take a drink when someone says “humbug,” “Ebenezer,” or “Scrooge.” Take a drink when Michael Caine gets teary-eyed. Take two drinks for each new ghost. Take two drinks when Jacob and Robert Marley laugh at their own jokes. Finish your drink when they sing “The Love We Found.”


the seek n find

The Black Sheep's Millennial Nativity: Can you find all ten contemporary idols in this nativity scene? If St. Jar Jar answers your prayers, send in your answers to puzzle@theblacksheeponline.com and we'll send you some sweet swag!



the wordsearch

popular Places at u of i

If you love on campus and haven't been to these places... what the hell have you been doing?! Everyone should visit all of these places in one wild weekend - get at it!

Alma Mater Assembly Hall Black Sheep Brothers Campustown Clybourne Cowboy Monkey CStreet Den Liquors Fat Sandwhich Firehaus Highdive

Joes Kams Legends Memorial Stadium Murphys Piccadilly Red Lion Second Story Silver Bullet Soma White Horse Wingin Out

Champaign’s premier student living Close to Campus + all-inClusive living

fully furnished apartments + individual leases + 24-hr fitness center + computer center + free on-site community laundry

apply online today @ tower3rd.com | 217.367.0720 | 302 e. John Street, Suite 100


Turn static files into dynamic content formats.

Create a flipbook
Issuu converts static files into: digital portfolios, online yearbooks, online catalogs, digital photo albums and more. Sign up and create your flipbook.