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Volume 25
The Black Sheep
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The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 16
HOW PHYLLIS WISE STOLE ILLINI FOOTBALL’S CHRISTMAS Nicco wrote this Every Illini in Champaign liked Christmas a lot, But the Chancellor, Phyllis Wise most certainly did not! The Chancellor hated Christmas and here was the reason, The football team did better than horrible this season.
“I must make my own reindeer,” the Chancellor said. So she found her cat Leslie and tied antlers to her head. Once the Altgeld Bells rang out at midnight, She had to skedaddle, to make fast flight.
The Chancellor stole bunches of things and even some snacks, Ramen, chips, and candy, then covered her tracks. But it wasn’t soon enough, as she was about to make her break, Little freshman player Mikey Dudek sat up awake.
With her long Chancellor fingers nervously strumming, She knew she must find a way to stop the team’s Christmas from coming. She hated the noise and the feasting and singing, And knew she must find a way to stop this whole holiday from being!
Then the Chancellor smirked and loaded up the sleigh, With some empty sacks and went up, up, and away. The sleigh started to move towards the dorms and apartments where, The Illini footballers lay asleep without a single care.
He was very confused and alone and he started to cry, All he wanted to know was, “Why, Santa, why?” The Chancellor knew she had to think quick on her feet, “I’m bringing these back to my office to fix them up and make them look neat.”
She thought and she thought, but she was stuffed at the line, Until she came up with a brilliant idea in rhyme! The Chancellor gasped, “I know just what to do! I’ll impersonate Santa Claus and Beckman won’t have a clue!”
When the Chancellor arrived at the Six Pack before the morning dew, It was just stop number one and she knew what to do. She swiped her card and snuck through the front door, And tip-toed to a dorm room on the second floor.
Little Mikey bought the story without questioning her, And went back to sleep without a single stir. The Chancellor dropped a queef quietly then headed out. She had a long night ahead of football ransacking about.
Making a hat and coat, wearing a grand ol’ grin in the mirror. “The last thing I need is a little reindeer…” Under the bed, in the closet, the Chancellor looked around, But there was none, no reindeer to be found.
She quietly crept inside and scanned the room, For she knew a freshman football player gets lots of poon. Then suddenly it would be two versus one, And that would ruin the Chancellor’s evil Christmas fun.
She had to hit all the dorms and apartments of the team, Without waking a fly or making a scene. She made all her stops and packed the sleigh full, And headed home at dawn when Champaign started to mull.
She waited and waited to hear the Illini’s despair, But all she heard was silence, filling the air. For she was pining for the Illini to cry and say, “Oh no, there’s no Christmas! What do we do on this day?”
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DRUNK REVIEWZ: A CHRISTMAS STORY
TOP 10: ITEMS IN YOUR UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS NATIVITY SCENE
WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU DO FOR 24-HOURS BESIDES DRINK?
MAKE YOUR RACIST GRANDMA PROUD.
She waited for a noise, and she heard something faint, But it wasn’t sad, it was merry and quaint. But the volume grew and grew, and was still so happy, She realized, maybe she didn’t end the day she found so crappy.
The whole team was still celebrating Christmas to her dismay, For they went 6-6, and for this they were gay! So the Chancellor lightened up and some kindness she’d lend, And returned all the Illini their presents before #FuckPhyllis could trend.
PAGE 20 HOME ALONE: STUCK AT UIUC JUST TAKE A FEW DEEP BREATHS… AND THEN SCREAM AS LOUD AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
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THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear Tex Mex,
FANATICKLISH To be ticklish to the point of rage.
My word, in all my years of being merry and jolly whilst delivering gifts to children all around the world, I’ve never read a magazine so darkly deplorable. The Black Sheep, eh? Well, looks like I do share something in common with the publication’s name: It’s as black as the coal that’s going straight into your stocking this Christmas. Tell me, why should I not have you and your wickedly inappropriate staff forever blacklisted on my naughty list? Ho ho ho, Santa Claus
“Laughter quickly turned to screams and blood when Mary tried to tickle fanaticklish Robin.”
Dear Kris Krybaby, Let me get something straight… I wrote to you for, oh, I don’t know, at least six years of my childhood life, and you’re just now deciding to return the favor? If anyone’s being added on anyone’s shitlist, it’s you to mine. Sure, I
to the
EDITOR
have other bones to pick with you – graciously ignoring my Jewel-Osco gingerbread cookies and milk, leaving the reindeer food untouched on the porch, getting my cousin a N64 when only I was supposed to have one – but I’ll put those aside for now since you’re being a real class-A Scrooge. So you don’t dig our little comedy-ha-ha-fun-fun magazine we’ve got going on? Appalled that we’ve said the “s,” “f,” and “c” words one too many times? Worried that the sanctity of journalism is going out the window? I’m sure you didn’t send the The Daily Illini any hate mail, you biased home-intruding prick. Well, here’s an entire issue dedicated to ruining the sanctity of your over-commercialized and “jolly” holiday. I hope you have enough coal for 15-something stockings. Happy holidays, asshole. Hanukkah’s more fun anyway, Tex Mex
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It’s a WONDERFUL Campus Winnie Bago wrote this Derrick Samuelson stood at the entrance of the Henry Administration Building, ready to file his papers to drop out of the University of Illinois. Engineering had beat him to a pulp, his roommate had stolen his high school girlfriend, and he wouldn’t turn 19 for another 10 months, giving him nothing to do on the weekends. He had to drop out. It was his only option to salvage the happiness he once thought he had growing up in the Chicago suburbs. He took a few steps toward the office to file the paperwork when he felt someone pull at the back of his shirt, moving him back to the Quad. “What the hell, man?” Derrick asked. “You don’t want to do that,” said an old man tugging him. The old man grabbed Derrick’s hand, and as Derrick tried to shake his hand free, the man teleported them to a booth at Murphy’s.
Derrick looked around confused. “Who the hell are you?!”
hadn’t been any new posts in the past five hours at Parkland.
“I’m Bob, your drunken angel,” said the old man, throwing back a beer while Derrick stared in disbelief.
After class, he turned to the guy next to him and asked if he wanted to go out tonight.
“I appreciate the beer, man, but I have something to take care of,” said Derrick, trying to leave the booth. “I told you that you don’t want to do that,” said Bob. He pulled Derrick back in the booth. “You need to know what life would be like if you didn’t go to U of I.” Bob swirled his finger in Derrick’s beer glass and a scene began to appear. Derrick peered over and watched his glass for the next half hour. Most onlookers assumed the two were high off their tits. In the glass, Derrick saw himself trying to find a parking spot at Parkland College. He walked into a small classroom that looked like he was in high school. As the professor droned on, he turned to Yik Yak, but there
“Nah man,” said the guy. “My mom wants me home by nine.” Bob then flashed him to a scene of Derrick at his graduation from Parkland. The green cap and gown made him look like the vomit he never saw, having never gone out a single night. Days after graduation, Derrick looked at his computer screen, constantly refreshing his email in hopes that at least one of the hundreds of jobs he applied to would come through. Just then, an email popped up. McDonald’s wrote that they saw Derrick on Parkland’s version of I-Link and wanted to hire him. Bob flashed Derrick one more time back to the classroom. Derrick was facing the board when he felt a tap on his shoulder
and a sultry female’s voice say, “Hey handsome. Got a pencil?”
what a mistake it would be to throw it away?”
The bulge in his pants grew as he turned around to face the girl he was going to pull his hot moves on, only to find it was a 60-year-old lady in a Tweety Bird sweatshirt.
“I do Bob, I really do!” exclaimed Derrick. Derrick’s phone dinged. He looked down and saw a crime alert about a Parkland student mugging a U of I student.
Derrick screamed as Bob pulled his face away from the beer, bringing him back to reality. “You see, Derrick, you’ve really had a wonderful life,” said Bob. “Don’t you see
“Damn,” said Derrick. “Yes!” Bob cheered as the irritated bartender presented them a platter of drinks. “You see, every time a townie commits a crime, a drunken angel gets tequila and lime!”
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HOLIDAY TRADITIONS
If Elf Were About a Guy Who Was Raised by Squirrels Instead of Elves
Squirrel Man wrote this
One Christmas many years ago – probably before you were born – a young UIUC couple gave birth to a baby boy. They named the boy Buddy. Unfortunately, they were not yet prepared to raise Buddy, so they decided to give him to the only ones they could trust: the squirrels. The squirrels on the U of I campus promised to take good care of young Buddy, accepting him as one of their own.
Desperate to resolve his identity crisis, Buddy grew eager to travel to Chicago and to meet his real, peanut-giver father. He had never before left U of I’s campus; however, going out into the real world would prove to be a problem for Buddy because he was raised by squirrels and his exposure to human culture was minimal. He was what many sociologists call a “feral child.”
Buddy learned to live among them. He helped the squirrels make toys for Squirrel Christmas (the holiday the squirrels celebrate for the birth of Squirrel Jesus). Each year, the toys were delivered by Squirrel Santa to all the little squirrel girls and squirrel boys around Champaign-Urbana. Buddy could make toys faster than any other squirrel, since he was the only one of the bunch with opposable thumbs.
Buddy’s adventure to Chicago did not last very long. On his way out of Champaign-Urbana, he approached a woman and chirped at her, since he did not know a word of English. He only knew the method of communication which the squirrels had taught him. The woman promptly called 9-1-1 and Buddy was thrown into the Champaign County Jail for alleged sexual assault.
As he grew older, it became clear that Buddy was not like the other squirrels. He was about 20 times their average height, and he did not have a cute, bushy tale. Shortly before one Squirrel Christmas, Buddy asked the squirrel elders why he was so different from every other squirrel. They explained that he was not, in fact, a squirrel. Rather, he was a human being – or as the squirrels called them, “peanut-givers.”The squirrel elders told Buddy that his biological father moved to Chicago long ago.
The trial was scheduled for the following week. A public defender was brought in to represent Buddy, but even he couldn’t understand what was going on in Buddy’s mind. Buddy wouldn’t stop chirping and eating cashews. Ultimately, the judge ruled Buddy to be not guilty by reason of insanity, and so he was sent to the local mental institution called Rantoul just in time for Christmas.
ou ht to Y
Buddy was deeply confused by this whole ordeal.
By
g Brou HE IFC T
The peanut-giver world was much too strange for him to comprehend. All hope to ever find his father seemed lost. Yet, he saw a familiar face in the mental institution: Santa. Well, he wasn’t Squirrel Santa, but he looked close enough to him. Buddy dashed towards Santa, saying in his native squirrel tongue, “Squirrel Santa, is that you?!” The nurses restrained
him from Santa and sedated him with tranquilizers. Buddy spent the rest of his life looking through the window at his squirrel brethren outside the mental institution. Merry Squirrel Christmas!
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Drunk Reviewz: A Christmas Story Here at “Drunk Reviewz,” we try to analyze and comment on the films that made us laugh and cry as children from a… we’ll say “less academically focused” state of mind. With the holidays moving in faster than your deadbeat uncle who’s down on his luck (again), we thought A Christmas Story would be a wise selection for our drunk deconstruction. Also, the editor writing this had never seen it before. The hell is that about, right? EDITOR’S NOTE: Shots were taken after every reference of a Red Ryder BB Gun, whenever Ralphie’s dad muttered expletives, and eyes being shot out. 10 Minutes In: So there’s some bondage going on with the mom and the kid brother. The kids are swearing now, and I think it’s getting to the part that I’ve heard about all these years. Like, the part where he licks the pole or whatever after someone says he plays ball like a girl. Sometimes I wish my dad would’ve told me that earlier so I’d have more of a reason to quit little league faster.
Pole: Know the kids are double daring each other, much like that show on Nicholedon that was shortlived for a season or two. Double Dare 2000, right? More like Double Dare oh fuck the kid’s tongue is stuck oin the po;le lo0l. Oh, his name’s Flick. Bug’s Life reference. Piece of Shit Scene: Randy’s a little shit. He’s playing with his food, even though he clearly knows at this point that kids in China are starving because this asshole won’t eat his meatloaf. Let’s see if his mom’s piggy trough thing works. Yeah, now he’s just shoving food into his nose like a buffoon. Like, this is fucking disgusting. Gragiiiiillleeee: Dad misprounounced fragile and said frraaaageeeeellaaaayyy. Apparently that merits 30+ years of quotes or whatever. An Aside: This movie is much funnier when you picture that Ralphie’s “future” narration is just a 10 year old boy with the inner dialogue of a 50 year old man.
Tree Time: “ That man loved bartering as much as an Arab trader.” Woah, heyo, casual racism of the early 80s. Car Time: Ralphie just said “fuck.” Except he actually said it – “f.u.d.g.e.” Now, they shoved a brick of soap in his mouth. Is that still technically sanitary? And hooooolyyyyyy shit. Subtle child abuse when Mrs. Ralphie’s Mom calls scWarts’ mom? Kid’s like, screaming and everything. Jesus fuck. Flashback: Heyo at 46:12 it totally looks like Ralphie’s getting dome from his mom. Little Orphan Annie: Ralphie trying to crack the code in time despite the odds against him via his mother and kid brother reminds me a lot of my first times, well… discovering myself in the bathroom. Except my rushed climaxes didn’t end in crumby commercials for Ovaltine. Final Battle: “Listen baby, when I tell you to come, you better come.” How lewd. I love it. Dude now Ralphie’s
beating the shit out of that kid who made them run in fast motion like, four times before this. Good thing, too. I hated drinking during those scenes because that;s what the drinking game says. He’s like, really wailing on him him though. Like, Mr.s Ralphie;s mom had to come and pick him up and evberything. WHICH NEGATES THE WHOLE FUCKING FIGHT. Great, way to go, Ralphie. You beat up the bully, but now everyone will think you’re a pussy becayuse your mom had to come and break it up. C’mon, buddy. Sanata Guy: Oh hey, here’s a scene that’s way funnier by just closing your eyes and listening to the kids scream. And then he fiiiiinanly gets to thwe scene that I know. when Ralphie uis all like “hey iw ant that goddamn bb gun i;ve been bitching aboutn this whole tie. And then sanata is like, “fuck off, pleb. how about a football.” BUT HERE’S THE DEALIO, FOLKS. Raplhie said he thought a football was the WURST gift like,m 30 minutes into the movie, so that’s
when he gets all defensuive and tells sanata about the bb gun. Then we get the whole “you’ll shooyt your eyHe out,kid,” line. Which i love because that’sliterally the only line iv’er ever heard form this movie. Christmawas: Oh, fuck. Now I’m feeling it. I’m feeling th4 Christmqs cheer right here. Like, this is the part of the movie where my heart starts caving it. HE GOT THRE BB GUN. After 90 minutes of his fatherly being a complete overly-machisimo asshole, he reveals that he had one since he was eight. What a twist, Mr.Shamalamamamamamaamam
amamdingdong. OH HE SHOT HIS EYE OUT AHAHAHAHA That’s what we in the biz call a “callback.” Chinatown: “Deck the Harrs with rots of horry.” Oh wow. I mean, it was OK in the 80s, right…right? All criticisms considered, we give this movie 4 unlit and sappy Christmas trees out of 5. While the editor would love to watch it again, he feels that he’s royally screwed his perception of A Christmas Story for the rest of his life. Happy holidays!
WE’RE GOIN’ HOME
The Suburban Express KT wrote this
On the night of December 19, the last day of finals, the UIUC campus was a ghost town. Many students already left for winter break, but sophomore Artie McMillan was stuck waiting on campus for his 10:10 p.m. Suburban Express bus to take him back home to the North Shore. As he boarded the bus at the Armory, he noticed that the bus driver was strangely similar to Tom Hanks. “Well, ya comin’?” the driver asked Artie, also asking “where?” just to double-check his ticket was correct. “To the North Shore, of course!” Artie exhaled gladly, “This is the Suburban Express!” As Artie boarded the bus, he recognized a girl from one of his classes and asked her to move the bag in the seat next to her so that he could sit down. With a side-eye glare that would make even Beyoncé quiver, the girl shoved her bag and Artie sat down. “Bitch,” he thought to himself, as he noticed the girl hadn’t given the bus driver her ticket. Artie attempted to subtlety let the bus driver know she had snuck on to the bus. Just as he was about to say something, the girl’s ticket flew out the window and the bus driver threatened to kick her off the very magical bus.
“You had better go find my ticket, I know you’re taking Anatomy 202 with me next semester, and I’ll make it a living hell for you,” the girl threatened Artie. Afraid to start crying in the middle of the bus as everyone was staring at him, Artie agreed to get off and start looking for the ticket. He noticed the ticket was caught on something on the roof of the bus, and climbed up to retrieve it. Once he reached the top, Artie found one of the homeless men of Green Street, who had bungeecorded himself to the roof. “Don’t say nothing to that driver. I’m just trying to get a free ride to Old Orchard,” pleaded the homeless man. “I can’t take it here no longer, you broke college kids are complete assholes.” After about two hours, the bus finally pulled up to Old Orchard, and dropped the students off at the Santa’s Workshop exhibit. Depressed that his parents had forgotten to pick him up once again, Artie sank down to the curb and started to let out the tears that had been pent up during the ride. Some other students whose parents had also forgotten them noticed how pathetic Artie looked, sitting and crying to himself. Feeling the
Christmas spirit, they invited Artie to walk around Santa’s Workshop with them. As they were walking around the exhibit, the students ran into Santa himself, who happened to be the homeless man strapped to the roof. He then asked to bum a cigarette from one of the kids. Artie lent one to the jonesing Santa, who in exchange gifted Artie a bell that the bum called “the first gift of Christmas.” As Artie attempted to ring the bell, he heard nothing. “You have to believe in the magic of Christmas and the Suburban Express in order to hear the bell ring,”explained the homeless Santa, as Artie shook it even more. “This bell is a wonderful symbol of the spirit of Christmas -- as am I. Just remember, the true spirit of Christmas lies in your heart.” Deciding homeless Santa was certifiably insane and that he had definitely heard that line from a children’s Christmas movie before, he shoved the broken bell into his pocket. Just as he was about to start crying again about his bad luck, Artie’s parents arrived at Old Orchard. Feeling that his luck might have changed because of the bell, Artie gave it one more shake and when it still didn’t ring, he finally realized that there was nothing magical about Suburban Express, and that it was by far the worst transportation service around.
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THE TOP TEN ITEMS IN YOUR
UIUC NATIVITY SCENE Why not commemorate the birth of the Lord with a nativity scene straight out of U of I lore? Don’t worry. We already helped you out and found the 10 pieces you’ll need to create the perfect UIUC set to place under your tree this Christmas. 10.) Mini CUMTD Bus: How do you think Mary and Joseph got all the way there – a camel? Well, you couldn’t be more wrong. They obviously took the Illini North and avoided sitting next to the babbling lunatic in the back like everyone else. Is there anything more romantic than Joseph giving up his gumstuck seat for his pregnant wife and child? 9.) Baby Beckman: After another mediocre season, our beloved football coach will need to be swaddled more than a poverty-ridden newborn stranded in a barn somewhere in the Middle East. Wrap him up and bury him in some hay. If we’re lucky, he won’t be able to crawl over the sides and find his way to the sideline next season.
MIRACLE on GREEN ST. Dan Mirabelli wrote this Students were shocked last week to find the real Santa Claus has been among the student body for months. What was even more shocking was that he’s not a student or even a professor, but one of the homeless men on Green Street. With his long, white beard and large, spherical gut, when seen in a different light, it’s hard to see how students couldn’t tell Santa was among them for so long. “I think that it was mostly the crazy ramblings and perpetual drunkenness that threw us off,” said sophomore Mary Sampson. “I never would have expected Santa to be a homeless drunk guy, but then I saw him get in his sleigh and ride off, and I became a true believer.” Sources said Sampson had been at Joe’s since 4 p.m. the night she saw Santa fly off on his sleigh, but she contends her inebriation has nothing to do with what she’d seen. Often seen with his white afro sitting on the side of Green Street, the homeless man has disappeared ever since being seen on his sleigh. “To be honest, I was also surprised to discover that Santa was a black man,” Sampson continued as she dug herself into a deeper hole. “I mean, I always grew up with the stereotypical fat old white man whose lap I sat on at the mall. Actually, he smelled like booze too. Maybe he’s just been under my nose this whole time.” “It’s ironic that people haven’t been generous to the one man who is the most giving person in the world,” commented senior Tom Wilson. “The number of people that I have seen turn up their noses to him is disheartening, but I always saw him making a note every time he
was rejected. Come to think of it, that must be the naughty list!” The realization that Santa had been doing undercover reconnaissance work on the streets of Champaign is worrying to many students, as some have seen their lowest moments on its sidewalks, and sometimes its garbage cans. “The prospect of Santa Claus watching me stumble into McDonald’s after refusing to give him a quarter is horrifying,” said Sampson. “I was always terrified of the Elf on the Shelf when I was younger, and that was just a silly messenger. This guy is the real deal, and we blew it!” However, if anything positive can be taken from the revelation of Santa’s true identity, it’s that the donations to the homeless on Green Street have since spiked tremendously. According to insiders, homeless men and women are collecting triple of what they did before. Sampson explained that, “You never know who these people are now. One of them could be Mrs. Claus, and for all we know the skinny white guy that used to sit next to Santa could be the Easter Bunny. Everybody knows that Santa has spies, and I’m sure half these guys are working for him.” While it has still not been determined whether or not the reports of Santa’s sleigh flying off over the Quad are wholly accurate, it appears there’s little evidence against it because who are you to deny a Christmas miracle, bub? With this in mind, it’s important for students to not worry about Santa putting them on the naughty list for not giving him some spare change, because there are plenty of other reasons they’re all on there.
8.) Three Wise Asses: Oh, look. It’s Jim, Matt, and Ben: the three wise asses from your Philosophy 100 class. You thought Christmas break meant nearly an entire month without dealing with shitheads in lecture, but it wouldn’t be UIUC without them. Shh...we think we hear them predicting a prosperous night of icing out at Red Lion. 7.) Ikenberry Trough: The animals won’t be able to eat unless you plop out all the food in a tray and force them to retrieve it in a nice, orderly line, right? If this nativity scene is going to be anything like Illinois’ campus, then it will need a place for its mindless inhabitants to wander from bucket of food to bucket of food. 6.) Frank’s Incense and B’urr: Whether you’re raging sack in Frat Park with a fist-full of Natties or holed up in your decrepit Urbana bedroom in a cloud of incense, spinning an Elliot Smith record on vinyl, you’re going to need to add a bit of flavor to this nativity scene. 5.) Phyllis Wise’s Face Glued to a Donkey’s Ass: Our honorable university chancellor has spent the past year making an ass of herself, so why not just finalize it already? And hey, maybe she’ll finally get a whiff of what bullshit smells like while she’s back there. 4.) That Strange Dude No One Knows: Grab a random figurine and toss him in the back corner there. Always finding a way to wind up at a party and hanging out alone in the back, this guy has earned the right in your UIUC nativity scene, because it really wouldn’t be the same without him. 3.) Angel: No, not that little flying fairy – the international student you met last week in your sociology class. 2.) Land of Lincoln Hat on a Wise Man’s Head: This one’s perfect because now that our football team won back the Land of Lincoln rivalry trophy – SUCK IT NORTHWESTERN HOW DOES IT FEEL TO SUCK SO MUCH AT FOOTBALL THAT YOU’RE WORSE THAN US? – you can put the little hat on one of the figurine’s heads. 1.) Half-Constructed Mini Barn: To fully represent the UIUC campus experience in your nativity scene, you’ll need to break your toy barn in half and maybe put some tape on it here or there. This will accurately depict the construction-filled backdrop where everything above fits perfectly into the place we call home: a faux-urban row of mid-sized buildings placed randomly in the middle of miles and miles of Midwestern cornfields. Or as we know it, Urbana-Champaign. Jupiter Stevens wrote this
09
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THE BAR GRID NEW YEARS EVE 2015
SPECIAL NIGHT
FRIDAY! $2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles, $3 Calls, $3 Vegas Bombs, $7 Domestic Pitchers
Thursday Night's Show: THE LONE BELLOW with ROBERT ELLIS
at The Clybourne! $1 U CALL IT! Cly’s was the First Bar to Sell Out Last Year! www.FirehausBar.com for discounted tickets!
Wednesday 12/10
$0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Long Islands
Heartland Presents READING DAY PRE-PARTY One last party before Finals!
READING DAY EVE! Cly’s Christmas Party! Santa Will Be Here Handing Out Wrapped Gifts!
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Thursday 12/11
$1 Wells, $2 Fireball, $2 PBR Tall Boys, $3 Long Islands
THE LONE BELLOW with ROBERT ELLIS
Throwback Thursdays! $1 FIREBALL $2 UV VODKA (All Flavors)
Book Your Next Party at Cowboy Money!
Friday 12/12
$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles, $3 Calls, $3 Vegas Bombs, $7 Domestic Pitchers
Pygmalion Show Series THE SEA AND CAKE with WITHERSHINS and WICKED WALLS
Open at 5pm $3 Bud Light Tallboys FREE GRILLED CHEESE starting at 6pm
Hi Ho Buffalo, $5, 9pm w/ Tim Trailer and DJ Stifler
Saturday 12/13
$2 Wells $2.50 Domestic Bottles $4 Patron $7 Domestic Pitchers
BONES JUGS N HARMONY with TYRANNOSAURUS CHICKEN
$3 Captain Morgan $3 Jim Beam $5 Patron Shots
Sunshine Daydream, $7
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
FRIDAY Hi Ho Buffalo, $5, 9pm w/ Tim Trailer and DJ Stifler
Sunday 12/14
Closed
Closed
NEW YEARS EVE 2015 at The Clybourne! $1 U CALL IT! Cly’s was the First Bar to Sell Out Last Year! www.FirehausBar.com For Discounted Tickets!
Monday 12/15
$2 Doubles, $5 Bud Light/Budweiser Pitchers
THE CULTURE Live hip hop, spoken word and more with spins by FORREST BUMP - Cheap Drinks!
Clybourne NYE Tickets include a FREE Appetizer Buffet on Jan 1st for the Winter Classic Hawks vs Capitals! at Firehaus!
Book Your Next Party at Cowboy Money!
Tuesday 12/16
$1 Wells, $1 Domestic Drafts, $1 Martinis & Free Pub Trivia
Tix on sale now for shows with Yonder Mountain String Band, Cherub, Odesza, The Floozies, Datsik, Lotus and more!
WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Beam Fire Shots $2 Bud Bottles
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 8:45pm
Wednesday 12/17
$0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Long Islands
Get tickets now for New Years Eve! All-inclusive ticket with drinks, food buffet & live music by SUN STEREO and THE WAY DOWN WANDERERS
Clybourne NYE Tickets include a FREE Appetizer Buffet on Jan 1st for the Winter Classic Hawks vs Capitals! at Firehaus!
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM THE BAR GRID 12 Days of Christmas Begins on Wednesday Night!
$2.50 Specials! A New Special Everyday until we have 12 specials
Firehaus Christmas Party! Meet Santa at 11pm
NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s
SUNDAY: GCAP Presents: The Red Review, $5, 4pm
All Proceeds Go Directly to GCAP
Group Tickets for NYE Available Now! Check joesbrewery.com for availability ASAP!
SPECIAL NIGHT
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Freshmen Night No Cover Under 25
Wednesday 12/10
12 Days of Christmas Night 2 $1 WELLS, $2.50 Jager Spice BLACKHAWKS vs BRUINS 7pm
$3 ANY Draft $4 White Russians
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
Redd, White and Boom! $2 Redd’s, $2 Jaeger Bombs and $2 Blue Moons
Thursday 12/11
12 Days of Christmas Night 3 $2.50 Jager Spice, $2.50 UV Vodka $2.50 Captain White Rum
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 10pm, $5
Book Your Next Event Here
Friday 12/12
ILLINI vs OREGON 6pm Hawks vs Islanders 6pm NOT ON LOCAL TV!! $2.50 Jager, UV Vodka, Captain and Jim Beam!
Watch ALL the games at Guido's!
De Noche, Salsa Dancing, Drink Specials! 9pm
Contact us at joesbrewery@gmail.com
Saturday 12/13
NFL SUNDAYS! Bulls vs Heat 5pm $2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS! Every Liquor...Every Beer $2! $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings
NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s
GCAP Presents: The Red Review, $5, 4pm
Beers and $4 Spazzles
Sunday 12/14
Tons of Wrapped Gifts including Hawks Tickets! Bud Mug Night! Bulls vs Nets 7pm
BEARS vs SAINTS 7pm Win Bears Jerseys!
$1 Bud Light Drafts $2.50 Jager, Beam, Captain Jager UV, Bacardi, Hot Stuff
Firehaus New Years Eve 2015 $1 U CALL IT plus $2 Top Shelf Tickets are only $20! While Supplies Last - Buy at www.FIREHAUSBAR.com
Firehaus New Years Day! Winter Classic 11am: Hawks vs Capitals Watch all the Bowl Games All Day! NYE Ticket Holders Get a Free Appetizer Buffet
All Proceeds Go Directly to GCAP
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
MNJ
Monday 12/15
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
No Cover @ the 8th Grade Dance
Tuesday 12/16
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Sophomore Night: No Cover Under 24
Wednesday 12/17
The only shirt you need for football season
Only
$12 with a FREE Koozie!
THE BAR GRID DOWNTOWN
order by monday blacksheepswag.com
KAM'S SATURDAY! ILLINI GAMEWATCH: ILL vs ORG 6PM
SPECIAL NIGHT
Friday and Saturday: $10 Large Cheese Pizzas after 10pm
Wednesday 12/10
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
Thursday 12/11
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
$10 Bud Lt Buckets (U Pick 5), $6 Pitchers, $3 Appleseed Cider, $3 UV Drinks, $2 Fireball, Appleseed Girls 9:30pm - Try some Cider!, FIREBALL GIRLS 11PM
Friday 12/12
$10 Large Cheese Pizzas after 10pm
$3.50 Captain Cannonballs, $2 Smirnoff Sour Shots, $2 Pie Hole Shots, $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt
Friday 4 o’Clock Club 1/2 Price Appetizer 4 ‘til 5
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys
$2 Platinum, $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 16oz Cans $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $4 Blue Guys $2 UV SALTY CARAMEL VODKA DJ Delicato & the UV Girls!
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night
Senior Night - No Cover 21+
Thirsty Thursday! No Cover! $2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Beers
$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot
BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
$2 BBall Coors Lt Pints, $4 Blue Guys $2 Piehole Shots PIEHOLE GIRLS 11PM
Bud #UpForWhatever
Klub Kam’s w/ DJ Delicato 10pm
ILLINI GAMEWATCH: ILL vs ORG 6PM
Saturday 12/13
$10 Large Cheese Pizzas after 10pm
Sunday 12/14
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Closed
Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS
$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers
Monday 12/15
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
BEARS vs NO 7:30pm Open 7pm, $2 U Call It BEARS GIVEAWAYS
Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale
Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30
Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR
Tuesday 12/16
1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Country Nite “Drink it in Your Mason Jar”
No Cover! ALL Drafts on sale
Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers
Wednesday 12/17
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night
$2 BBall Coors Lt Pints, $4 Blue Guys $2 Piehole Shots PIEHOLE GIRLS 11PM
$3 Big Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles, $7.50 “5” Bottle Buckets, $1.50 Drafts, $2 Moonshine Drinks & Shots, $2 Beam Fire Shots, $4 Big Beam Fire & Ginger
ILL BASKETBALL vs HAMPTON 6PM $2 COORS LT BBALL PINTS $2 Platinum, $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 16oz Cans, $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers $4 Blue Guys, DJ Delicato
THE BAR GRID THURS: Christmas Sale! All Previous Logo Glasses are Only $0.50!
TUESDAY: $2 Domestic Drafts
$3 Premium Drafts $0.40 Wings (5-10pm, dine-in only)
NEW YEARS EVE 2015 at Red Lion - $1 U CALL IT! Get DIscounted Tickets Now at www.FirehausBar.com
Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
Karaoke New Year at White Horse! First 50 Tickets are $15 or 2 for 20! $1 Wells, Miller Lights & Vegas Bombs $2 Bacardi Bombs, $3 Miller/Coors Lt. Pitchers Free Champagne Toast, Decorations, Hats and Giveaways ALL Night! FREE Big Breakfast the Next Morning
SPECIAL NIGHT
Logo Glass Day $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hamms
$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)
Reading Day Eve! $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Beam Fire Shots
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
Wednesday 12/10
$2.50 Specialty Pints and Bottles Christmas Sale! All Previous Logo Glasses are Only $0.50!
10 for $10 Coors Light 7oz Bottles $4.25 Martinis
Shacker Night $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Jack, Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM
Thursday 12/11
$5 Double Wild Turkey or Skyy $3 Sam Adams Family and Angry Orchard Pints
$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 16oz Cans
Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles Cracked Truck at 7pm
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM
Friday 12/12
$3 Goose Island Family
$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 20oz Drafts w/ Keeper Cup
Saturday - Open Early! ILLINI vs OREGON 6pm CHRISTMAS PARTY! Santa will be here giving out wrapped gifts!
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Captain, Crown, & 3 Olives Drinks
Saturday 12/13
Trivia Night! $2 Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite and Rolling Rock Drafts
5 for $12 Domestic Buckets $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6.95 All You Can Eat Spaghetti & Garlic Bread (5-10pm, dine-in only)
NEW YEARS EVE 2015 at Red Lion - $1 U CALL IT! Get Discounted Tickets Now at www.FirehausBar.com
$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp
Sunday 12/14
Bingo Night $4.50/$3.50 Mighty Mugs of PBR and Hamms
$2 Domestic Bottles $6 Personal 10in Pizza w/ 1 Topping (5-10pm, dine-in only)
Monday Night Lion $1 Wells $2 Hot Stuff
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM
Monday 12/15
$2 Tall Boys
$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Premium Drafts $0.40 Wings (5-10pm, dine-in only)
SENIOR NIGHT! $2 Wells $2 Hot Stuff No Cover over 21!
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY
Tuesday 12/16
Logo Glass Day $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hamms
$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)
Red Lion NYE 2015 Get your Tickets Now! $1 U CALL IT, $2 Top Shelf! Tickets are selling fast! www.FirehausBar.com
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers, $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
Wednesday 12/17
PARTY PICS!
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What half-truth are you least excited to tell your parents this semester?
LIVY
"I didn't volunteer at Carle because they had enough people."
RACHEL
"I didn't hit the biker...the biker hit my car."
JOEY
"I didn't get a job because I had red hair."
BARTENDERS of the WEEK
ALLI OF JOE'S
Relationship Status: What day is it? Major: MCB Favorite drink: Jim Beam and water with a lemon. Favorite shot: Vegas bomb without the Red Bull. Disgusting drink: Anything that isn't whiskey. Best post-finals drink: A bottle of Maker’s. Should people come to Champaign for New Year’s Eve?: I heard that a lot of people can drink underage. What will you miss most in the C-U over break?: Nothing, I’ll be here all break! Come see me! Suburban winter break, 5 words, go: I’m from Southern Illinois...so… What football bowl do the Illini really deserve to go to?: The Toilet Bowl How would you convince all your professors to give you A’s?: My skilled persuasion skills are top of the line ;) When you get back in January, what do you hope will be different about campus?: I’ll still be here but a lower crime rate will be nice. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Toilet paper is expensive.
THE DRINKING GAME
SAM OF MURPHY'S
Relationship Status: Single Major: Psychology Favorite drink: Whiskey Coke Favorite shot: Usually I would say tequila…. but I had a rough night recently. Disgusting drink: Malort …. It’s so gross. Best post-final drink: Long island Should people come to Champaign for New Year’s Eve?: I mean, only if you have nothing better to do. What will you miss most in the C-U over break?: The bars. Suburban winter break, 5 words, go: Desperate, boring sad, skiing, shopping. What football bowl do the Illini really deserve to go to?: I heard the bowling team was better. How would you convince all you're professors to give you A’s?: Crying When you get back in January, what do you hope will be different about campus?: I hope it’s not as cold… but it will be. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: I’m in it!
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
DANGEROUS DECORATIONS
SILENCING SANTA
It’s Christmas time and that means it’s time to decorate. Sure, it looks nice, but it’s a pain in the ass to work on all day and 99.9% of the time you end up breaking something precious to your parents. So this year it might be best to grab yourself a 30-rack excuse before you cause a holly-jolly wreckage in your living room.
Alright, Santa Claus. We never forgot the time when we were six and you got us socks instead of a new PlayStation. We never forgot the shock, the tears, the anger, the confusion, the absolute sense of feeling lost. We never forgot. And now it’s time to pay up, big guy. Go ahead and take a bite out of those cookies we left for you by the front door...we dare you.
What You’ll Need: 30-rack of Rolling Rock and a 12-pack of Redd’s Apple Ale (You’ve got to stay festive with the color scheme, right?) Level of Intoxication: Drunk enough to use your baby brother as the angel on top of the tree.
What You’ll Need: 2 eggs, 2 cups chocolate chips, 2 cups flour, ½ teaspoon baking soda, 2 ounces rat poison, ½ teaspoon salt, 1 cup brown sugar, 1 stick butter Fatty Factor: Fat enough to take down the fattest man around.
How to Play: - Find out when your family will begin decorating and start preparing four hours ahead of time. - Turn on TBS and drink every time it comes back from commercial and A Christmas Story is on. - By this point, Lord knows you’re hammered. Stumble upstairs (don’t forget to bring up a box!). - Begin hanging everything with a hook on everyone with a nose. - Shove the stuffed Santa up the chimney, but don’t tell anyone (it will be hilarious when you find it six years later). - Carefully hang all the ornaments on the tree. - Get a 30-foot running start and dive head first into the tree.
Let’s Get Baked: - Crack your knuckles and squeeze the eggs over your mixing bowl about as hard as it felt when Santa squeezed the life out of your heart that day. - Pack the brown sugar tightly in your cup with the same aggression that’s been building up inside of you for years every time you think of that pair of socks. - Mix in the baking soda, flour and butter while you think of what it will be like to wake up and find revenge under the tree. - Add the ingredient. Add all of it...just to make sure. - Form your cookies unlike the way your childhood failed to form from the emotional distress that fat bastard caused you and put your cookies in the oven. - Set out the trap cookies and wait for the opportunity to avenge the biggest holiday tragedy of your adolescence.
The Game Ends When: You wake up buried in joyous rubble and with a mistletoe up your butt.
Oh, sorry Santa Claus, does that burn your stomach a bit? We must have left them in the oven for too long.
BOOZE REVIEW Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate with Peppermint Schnapps
Grade: B+
Tex Mex Wrote This
SAVE $199
WITH ZERO DEPOSIT + RATES AS LOW AS $664
Ugh, ‘tis the season for some toddy. Your kid cousins are whining because you understand the racial implications of Cowboys and Indians enough to not play that game anymore. Your grandma’s burning biscuits and desserts left and right. To top it all off, your “that” uncle just started another “calm and open discussion” about police brutality crimes. Before he drops the inevitable “They were just doing their jobs” bomb, you have to zone out of the holiday family sphere – and fast. Sneak some schnapps into your post-dinner cocoa and hope to the newly birthed Baby Jesus you don’t piss yourself in the family Santa costume in the process.
- The 21-year-old cousin who gets stuck playing an Indian… again.
Smells Like: The pseudo-decadent, powdertier, chocolaty meh-ness we’ve come to expect from Swiss Miss and her marshmallow gang. The schnapps at least makes it smell better than whatever the hell your aunt just scooped onto your plate.
You’ll Like This if You Like: Becoming a liveaction version of the Grinch that’s slightly less horrendously sloppy than the Jim Carrey version.
Tastes Like: The incredible sweetness that’s powerful enough to slowly break down your memory of another night with the fam’s incessant bickering, yet smooth enough to not realize you’ve been staring at the mashed potatoes for 30 minutes straight. Typical Drinkers: - Adults who are established enough to get as embarrassing as they did during college holiday parties. - Probably every mall Santa ever. - The fine folks at Swiss Miss who thought it’d be a great idea to engineer the shittiest marshmallows aside from those found in General Mills cereals.
User Comments: - “No, Uncle Dave, please, continue with this 60 Minutes-level insight on another controversial national issue…” - “Do I still remember the taste of Grandpa’s ‘aged’ broccoli casserole? Yep, gotta keep pouring.” - “Santa’s not real. Can we stop playing this stupid game now?” - “Bah, humbug. There, I said it. Now, leave me the hell alone, Jason.”
Best Described as a Snippet from a Christmas Carol: “On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me / No, I don’t have a girlfriend, Aunt Teresa. Leave me alone.” What Santa Claus Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “Ho ho ho…ho-my God, how much of that do you have left? I’m late as shit this year; I haven’t even hit up Canada yet.” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Gingerbread cookies, ground-up mistletoe, heated family arguments you’ll probably lose interest in and lose by boredom We Mixed With: Swiss Miss with marshmallows, but we now realize the error of our ways. We can still feel one sliding down our throats…
Karaoke New Year’s eve at White Horse inn First 50 Tickets are $15 2 for $20!
APPLY FOR FALL 2015 @ LOFTS54 .COM
217.366.3500 • 309 E. Green, Suite 103 Rates & fees are subject to change. Limited time only.
Free Champagne Toast, Decorations, Hats and Giveaways ALL Night
Plus!
$1 Wells and Miller Lights $1 Vegas Bombs, $2 Bacardi Bombs $3 Miller and Coors light Pitchers
FREE Big Breakfast the Next Morning!
(217) 328-2865 • 510 EAST JOHN STREET • CHAMPAIGN
THE CARTOON BY: EDWIN
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THE ISLAND OF MISFIT GEEDS
We’re on the Island of Misfit Geeds. Here, we don’t want to stay. We want to travel with Santa Claus, In his magic sleigh. A sack full of blow, from good ol’ ATO. For millions of sorostitutes, and millions of frat bros. When Christmas day is here, The most wonderful day of the year. A Jack (Daniels)-in-the-box waits for bros to shout: “Wake up! Don’t you know it’s time to go out?” When Monday Night Joe’s is here, The most wonderful day of the year. Booze galore, scattered on the dance floor. There’s no room for more, And it’s all because of Santa Claus. A scooter for Easter, A dolly for Wise. The kind that will even say, “No snow day, guys!” When Christmas day is here, The most wonderful day of the year.
“How would you like to be a GDI?” “Or a school with no mascot for your team?” “Or a townie that shoots blowdarts?” “We’re all misfits!” “How would you like to be a football team that doesn’t win?” “Or an engineer who rides a moped?” “Or an English major who can’t get a job?” “We’re all misfits!” If we’re on the Island of Misfit Geeds, We’ll miss all the fun with the booze and the weed. When Christmas day is here, The most wonderful day of the year. “Hey we’re all misfits too! Maybe we could stay here for a while!” “Well, you’d have to get permission from King Killeen!” “Who’s he?” “He rules here, no one’s heard of him because he’s new. When he finds a misfit geed, one that no sorority or fraternity loves, He brings it here to live on this island till someone wants it!”
The Gonz wrote this
EXCLUSIVE
Interview with A Tiny Christ Kevin Millan wrote this
Ah, Christmas. Often lost in what has become more a capitalist holiday than a religious one, the wee baby Jesus offered to be interviewed to reinvigorate aspects of Christmas that his fans describe as the holiday’s “true meaning.” The Black Sheep sat down with the swaddled infant and proposed savior of all mankind next to his manger, which is actually the trough that he’s lying in, and not the whole farm, or whatever it’s supposed to be. How did we secure this thousands-year-old interview? It’s called “suspension of disbelief.” There’s like, technically three of the same God going on at all times or whatever anyway. Don’t be a smartass. The Black Sheep: So, being the Redeemer of the Sins of Man sounds like a lot of pressure for a newborn. [Jesus wriggles in his makeshift wrappings, making noises that are certainly not speech. He looks at his interviewer and lightly giggles.] TBS: Well, you certainly seem confident enough. Your credentials as the supposed Son of God are also supportive of your aims. Can you speak to that relationship at all? [The infant Lord begins to suck his fingers, cooing and pointing at a peeing cow with his free hand.] TBS: Strong words from a strong
The night before winter vacation, apartment 201 was bustling with its residents frantically preparing for their trip home the next day. Dirty laundry was flung over the couch and moldy food began to spillover the bulging garbage can as Kevin McAsher sauntered out of his room into the common area. He slinked onto the ass crease in the couch and flipped on his DVR to catch up on Kourtney and Khloé Take the Hamptons. “Don’t you have anything better to do like cleaning up all your shit in the bathroom?” questioned his easily-irritable roommate Chuck. “Seriously, get your ass up. I need to get rid of all this laundry.” With a heavy sigh, Kevin stood up and shuffled his feet towards the boxes of pizza that haphazardly lay across the kitchen table. The oncegooey cheese lay hardened and cold on the crumbly crust. Tossing it aside, Kevin made his way to the fridge to
partake in a cold beer. “Excuse me, where’s the PBR I bought yesterday?” Kevin said, staring blankly at the spot where he had left his six-pack the previous night. Ka-click pop kcsssshhhh! Kevin whipped his head around to see his other roommate, Paul, chugging one of his PBRs. “Ahhhh… Sorry bro, last one,” Paul smirked as he crushed the can against his forehead and chucked it on top of the towering pile of trash. Kevin’s blood began to boil as he thought about all the shit he had to put up with over the past semester. Suddenly, he charged after Paul, tackling him onto the couch. Chuck was sent stumbling back toward the kitchen. As he braced himself against the table, a quart of spoiled milk toppled over, drenching their bus tickets for the next day. “Dammit, Kevin! Look what you made me do!” exclaimed Chuck. “You’re
getting on my last nerve, get the hell out of here.” Kevin abruptly stood up. “Fine!” he yelled. “I don’t want to be around you jerks anyways. In fact, I don’t want any roommates. Roommates suck!” He slammed the door to his room, crawled into bed, and wished he could live on his own for once. That night, a polar vortex swept through the Champaign-Urbana area, causing city-wide power outages and unfortunately, for apar tment 201, uncharged iPhones. The next morning, Chuck awoke peacefully. Suddenly, it hit him: the wave of nausea that can only be caused by the thought that you slept through your alarm. He anxiously grabbed his watch; 6:50 a.m. They had 10 minutes to catch their bus or they would be stranded in Champaign indefinitely. Chuck and Paul wildly grabbed last minute items and sped out the door,
forgetting to close it behind them. They managed to make it to the bus just in time to snag the last few seats. Meanwhile back at the apartment, Kevin was just waking from his long slumber. He sleepily walked into the bathroom, washing the sleepies out of his eyes. As he walked out into the front room, we felt a cold rush of air coming from the door. He walked over to find the door wide open and one of Paul’s t-shirts lying outside. Suspicious of the scene he woke up to, Kevin walked over to each roommate’s room to find their beds unmade and scraps of clothing carelessly thrown around the room. “Chuck? Paul?” Kevin took another lap around the apartment to confirm that it was indeed empty, “I made my roommates disappear!” With music blaring, Kevin began to take advantage of his freedom in the apartment. He began by ordering two
baby. Has the assurance of a gruesome death played any part in your attitude early on in your life? [The roughly 8-pound Christ stares at the interviewer blankly, then removes his index finger from his mouth before shaking his arms up and down at his sides, giving the impression of a small anthropomorphized airplane.] TBS: Truly profound. Do you have any advice for our readers? How to handle drunken relatives at Christmas parties who say college is a scam, and that, back in their day, all a person needed was to grit his teeth and pound pavement to earn an honest living? Before the obnoxiously silent, dog-sized Lamb of God could respond, three men that looked like wizards burst onto the pastoral scene, clearly late. Two of them were carrying weird plants, the other, some gold. All of their offerings seemed like pretty shitty gifts for a baby. A visibly disgruntled Joseph relieved the men of their burdens and thanked them. “Thanks, this place was really starting to stink,” Joseph said. “There are a bunch of farm animals around here, in case you didn’t notice.” Joseph placed the aromatic plants on top of a sleeping donkey, who was clearly unimpressed by the miniature Light of the World lying in his food trough.
fresh kegs and a box of Papa Del’s that he could enjoy all to himself. After hours of porn on maximum volume and all the hot fudge sundaes, Kevin sprawled himself out on the couch and comfortably passed out. On the ride back home, Paul jadedly played Candy Crush and snacked on a diminishing bag of Doritos. Next to him, Chuck was on edge; he couldn’t shake the feeling that they had forgotten something. “ Yo u’re j u s t b e i n g paranoid,” Paul said. “Look, we probably just forgot to lock the front door. I’ll call the landlord when we get back to the ‘burbs and make sure he locks it for us.” Chuck shrugged his shoulders to pacify Paul, but he knew something was still wrong. He turned his head toward the empty seat in the row across from him. After staring blankly for a few moments, Chuck suddenly sat up straight in his seat. “Kevin!” After his long, unnecessary nap, Kevin awoke feeling bored and restless. He needed something to get
During the hubbub, the little bitty baby Jesus pooped, and was quickly ushered away by his mother, Mary of Nazareth, who by the way is like, maybe 16 years old. We turned our questions to the new arrivals in the room: the three guys who are now claiming to be “wise men.” TBS: Frankincense, myrrh, and gold: Pretty unorthodox gifts for, not only a newborn, but for the proposed Messiah. What was your rationale there? Wise Man #1: Well, the lady at the last stable told us that she went to a baby shower just last week, and it was myrrh, frankincense, and gold as far as the eye can see. Wise Man #2: Yes, it’s very hip. Wise Man #3: Very ”new age” as they say. That’s sort of what we’re going for with the whole thing. TBS: Indeed. Wait, is that how the whole Christmas thing started? Is that the original story? WM #1: … We have no idea what you’re talking about, guy. Mary: What are you people even doing here? Who are you? After what was one of the most awkward silences we’ve ever experienced during an interview and sensing the growing animosity in the barn, our interviewer departed with an apology and an insistence that everyone have a ”nice holiday.”
his mind off missing his roommates. With everyone gone for vacation, Kevin had only one option: throw a townie party. The party began like any other; few people, some booze, and the occasional shot. But as it got later into the night, more townies began filling the apartment. Kevin quickly realized his mistake; townies never get invited to parties. They were going to destroy the place! Amongst conversations about farming and how much it sucks to have to drive 10 minutes to have your mom do your laundry, Kevin devised a plan to rid his apartment from their vile plague. Carefully, he snaked a line of subpar joints and khaki shorts from the entrance of his apartment to the staircase. Kevin bravely stood in his doorway with cans of Natty Light at the ready. Suddenly, he sounded off his air-horn. The whole party came to a halt. As every Champaign townie stared at Kevin, he yelled at the top of his lungs, “SHOTGUN!” and released the Natty Light,
sending it towering over the joints and khakis. As he planned, the townies rushed out of his apartment after the goods, with Kevin slamming the door behind them. The next morning, Kevin awoke to find that he was still stranded. The fierce Midwest winter had kicked in, making I-57 a parking lot. Kevin sat on his couch, wishing that just for a moment, he could see Chuck and Paul again. Without warning, the front door thrust open causing a gust of wind and snow to fill the apartment. After uncovering his eyes from the cold, Kevin peered over to see Chuck and Paul stumbling in. “You didn’t think we’d leave you alone with the townies this Christmas, did ya?” laughed Paul. Kevin excitedly rushed toward his best friends, opting for a bro hug rather than a normal hug. The three roommates packed up the rest of their things and headed out to Chuck’s mom’s minivan, waiting for them outside. It was the best Christmas Kevin ever had.
SING-A-LONG
Skyla Gibson wrote this On the sixth day of Christmas My Alma sent to me Six Tinder matches Five-dollar cover Four tabs op-en-ing Three bros a broing Two Red Lion Poop Girls And a giant middle finger from MTD
On the first day of Christmas My Alma sent to me A giant middle finger from MTD On the second day of Christmas My Alma sent to me Two Red Lion Poop Girls And a giant middle finger from MTD On the third day of Christmas My Alma sent to me Three bros a broing Two Red Lion Poop Girls And a giant middle finger from MTD
On the fourth day of Christmas My Alma sent to me Four tabs op-en-ing Three bros a broing Two Red Lion Poop Girls And a giant middle finger from MTD On the fifth day of Christmas My Alma sent to me Five-dollar cover Four tabs op-en-ing Three bros a broing Two Red Lion Poop Girls And a giant middle finger from MTD
On the seventh days of Christmas My Alma sent to me Seven useless Crime Alerts Six Tinder matches Five-dollar cover Four tabs op-en-ing Three bros a broing Two Red Lion Poop Girls And a giant middle finger from MTD On the eighth day of Christmas My Alma sent to me Eight majors undecided Seven useless Crime Alerts Six Tinder Matches Five-dollar cover Four tabs op-en-ing Three bros a broing Two Red Lion Poop Girls And a giant middle finger from MTD
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On the ninth day of Christmas My Alma sent to me Nine tightrope sisters Eight majors undecided Seven useless Crime Alerts Six Tinder Matches Five-dollar cover Four tabs op-en-ing Three bros a broing Two Red Lion Poop Girls And a giant middle finger from MTD On the tenth day of Christmas My Alma sent to me Ten fucking hoedowns Nine tightrope sisters Eight majors undecided Seven useless Crime Alerts Six Tinder Matches Five-dollar cover Four tabs op-en-ing Three bros a broing Two Red Lion Poop Girls And a giant middle finger from MTD
On the eleventh day of Christmas My Alma sent to me Eleven walks of shame Ten fucking hoedowns Nine tightrope sisters Eight majors undecided Seven useless Crime Alerts Six Tinder Matches Five-dollar cover Four tabs op-en-ing Three bros a broing Two Red Lion Poop Girls And a giant middle finger from MTD On the twelfth day of Christmas My Alma sent to me Twelve racist Yik Yaks Eleven walks of shame Ten fucking hoedowns Nine tightrope sisters Eight majors undecided Seven useless Crime Alerts Six Tinder Matches Five-dollar cover Four tabs op-en-ing Three bros a broing Two Red Lion Poop Girls And a giant middle finger from MTD
PAGE 21 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
The Twelve Days of UIUC
PAGE 22 • T HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ADIÓS, ABUELA
Grandma Got Run Over by a CUMTD Bus
Grandma got run over by a West Teal Walking home from Krannert on Christmas Eve. A CUMTD bus driver dressed as Santa hit her and took her home with him, we believe. At Krannert she’d been watchin’ West Side Story Although we had all begged her not to go. But Grandma finds culturally insensitive dialects oddly charming So she sat front and center at the show. The bus driver’s license was suspended And he was in violation of his parole. He panicked and peeled grandma off the cross walk And headed to his apartment, Grandma in tow. Grandma got run over by a West Teal Walking home from Krannert on Christmas Eve. A CUMTD bus driver dressed as Santa hit her and took her home with him, we believe. Grandma had awoken with amnesia She felt both frightened and alone. But when her captor arrived with milk and cookies She suddenly began to feel right at home.
Back at my house just me and Grandpa Uncertain of the future and Grandma’s fate. Bought him a computer to join eHarmony And I helped him get ready for his first date. Grandma got run over by a West Teal Walking home from Krannert on Christmas Eve. A CUMTD bus driver dressed as Santa hit her and took her home with him, we believe. Grandma regularly rode along on the captor’s bus route And this Christmas miracle felt like fate. Grandpa was headed to meet his 93% personality match at Olive Garden And the bus he meant to get on was running late. Her memory returned when she saw Grandpa standing there And thus began my Grandma’s grand escape. Smashing through the glass doors at 30mph She looked like Superman without a cape. Years later we still laugh about the story Of how Grandma got herself kidnapped and ruined Christmas Eve. You might say there’s no such thing as victim blaming But as for me and Grandpa, we believe … That it was her fault.
Riggity wrote this
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FROSTY HO-MAN
Frosty, the Ho-Man was a douche-y, horny soul…
Frosty, the Ho-Man, is the typical tool they say…
Among the douche-bachary of the holidays, UIUC’s finest toolbag, senior Cale Frost, remains the winning fuck boy with his self-made title “Frosty the Ho-Man.”
Jake Glib, Frosty’s roommate, deals with his sexual antics because, apparently, this is an annual thing. “He actually is a pretty normal dude,” claimed Glib. “But once we got back from Thanksgiving break, he brought back that Backstreet Boy hair and now winks at you like, every other word. I think this is just a weird Christmas alter-ego. You actually get used to the animal noises at night. It’s like falling asleep to an ocean sounds CD… except it’s an ocean filled with two ravenously horny dolphins.”
“I want all the hos to know that I’m the only guy who should be jingling your bell this Christmas,” Frost said. Frosty the Ho-Man has taken extra precaution to not be confused with the actual hoe that is used as a farming instrument at the agriculture-friendly university by wearing a shirt that says in bold Papyrus, ”Ho-Man.”“I made it myself,” said Frosty. “I couldn’t have these Illinois bitches thinking I was about to make over their farms. But I would hoe some bitches down, if you know what I mean.” With some frosted tips and a mirco-penis… “My tips are spicy, and I am not just talking about my hair,” chuckled Frosty as he sipped Zero Cal Vitamin Water. He then pulled out a foot-long Subway sandwich saying, “You gotta’ be fresh to eat fresh,” before pointing to his BLT, winking, and saying, “By the way, my penis is twice this size. Write that down.” And a heart made out of coal. “Well, I give it to my hos daily and nightly and ever so rightly,” Frosty said when The Black Sheep asked if he would be giving back this year. “So I think that culminates into donating money or volunteering.” Walking past a homeless man on Green Street, Frosty the Ho-Man has been known to give them the free condoms he gets at McKinley. “I don’t use them anyways, and what better way to encourage them to stay warm?” said Frosty.
Mo’ Freeman wrote this
He’s a piece of shit, but ladies insist… Frosty pulled out his iPhone for The Black Sheep to show physical evidence of his forsaken ”hos.” After quickly scrolling through a few forgotten dick-pics (hence the aforementioned micro-penis) and tentacle hentai screenshots, we were shown a girl he claimed to have the name Jamie Lee. Upon investigation, we were able to get a comment from her about the infamous “Ho-Man”. “I have no idea who the fuck that is,” answered senior Jamie Lee. When asked about how Frosty and Jamie met, Frost said he met her freshman year. “It was in the line of Second Story one night,” Frost said. “I bought her some ‘za and it was seriously like she couldn’t get off of me. But who could blame her? Have you seen these tips? Go ahead… touch ‘em…” That he’ll die of AIDS one day. “I’ve been to McKinley a few times,” said Frosty. “And they told me I have the stomach flu or chlamydia or something like that, but I’ve only peed blood like three times so, I just do my thing. You know what the Frosty Express stops for? Nothing. Choo choo, bitches.” And we’ll all be rid of him.
THE BEST TIMES
the MY CHRISTMAS LIST madlib Dearest parents/step-parents, I realize you pay for my tuition, and___1___ lifestyle, and also a place to rest my sweet little head at in/at ___2___, but ’tis the season, right? In between regular snacks on ___3___ and store-bought ___4___, I’m like, totes in the Christmas spirit. So without further ado, I present my Christmas list. 1) Okay, honestly, is it really that hard to get a ___5___? Everyone has one, even ___6___, so maybe the school did pay for it on the down low. Sorry I’m not a football player, gosh. 2) Gift cards to the following places: ___7___, ___8___, ___9___ and, last but not least, ___10___. Finna get smart next semester! Oh, and only denominations of no less than $ ___11___. 3) If we can squeeze it, a ___12___ so I can get my fitness on in the comfort of my own home while watching ___13___, because I cannot miss an ep of that. Oh, and I guess I’ll need some running shoes. 4) Would it be so much to be in a ___14___-of-the-month club? Okay, look, I’m not 21; we all know that. But my fake ___15___ is 23 now, so take a little from her, add a little to mine… ta-da! Same goes with
a ___16___-of-the-month to prevent hangovers. Don’t judge me, mom. 5) I’ve always wanted to learn how to ___17___, so maybe a class I can take on the weekends? Jobs really look for well-rounded individuals, right? 6) A pet ___18___. If Justin Bieber had that monkey, I deserve something too… right??? After all, it’s not my fault that ___19___ got ran over when I was 5 and I never really recovered from it. MOM, I HATE YOU. 7) Just kidding, I love you! And I also love ___20___ from Tiffany. Alrighty, hope this gives you enough time to shop! Loves ya.
CLUE BANK 1) 1 of 5 senses 2) Where you live 3) Festive treat 4) Festive beverage 5) Very specific luxury car 6) Your favorite Illini foorball player 7) Fast food restaurant 8) Shitty clothing store 9) Luxury clothing store 10) Your favorite bookstore 11) Number between 100 and 1000 12) Workout machine 13) Reality show 14) Type of alcohol 15) Any ol' name 16) Awesome comfort food 17) Dangerous skill 18) Exotic animal 19) Pet name 20) Type of body jewelry
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