The Black Sheep
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Vol. 23, Issue 1
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
8/21/13 - 8/28/13
The Daily Illini Charges Admission to Quad Day, More schemes to Come BY: Kitty Kat The Daily Illini has convinced school administrators to allow them to charge admission to Quad Day this year. Quad Day is an annual event at the University of Illinois where students of all classes, genders, sexuality, and ethnicity can sign up for and learn about student organizations available to them. It's really the only time during the school year that all students feel accepted, welcome, and confident about succeeding and making friends. (These feelings are usually swiftly crushed by Greek Rush starting the following week.) Many are concerned that this new $5 entrance fee will erase those sentiments. "It's a little weird," senior Kelly Clarke admitted. "I mean, I personally don't care because I haven't gone since I was a freshman, but I don't agree that students should have to pay to walk across their own Quad or gather a handful of free pens and Frisbees. I mean, if that stuff isn’t free, then what’s the point?" Many upperclassmen expressed the same feeling -- shock, but ultimately indifference. As for incoming freshmen, the majority feel completely robbed. "My older sister has been telling me about Quad Day all summer, saying it's where she got her start freshman year," incoming student Brad Casey admitted. "Now I have to cough up five bucks just to walk through? If I wanted to pay for friends, I'd join a frat." The Black Sheep later found out that Mr. Casey intends to rush this year. Since The DI fessed up to their monstrous debt a few years ago they've been doing whatever it takes, including adding small-print fees into the student tuition bill, to raise some extra cash to continue funding their Illuminati-worshiping piece of yellow journalism. They also tried intercepting some of the dough-stuffed sympathy cards that flew in for their previous Editor-in-Chief Roger Ebert. However the surviving Ebert family quickly caught wind of this plan, and sent the staff multiple homemade explosive devices to which movieloving terrorists the world over gave two thumbs up. We reached out to the paper’s current Editor-In-Chief Darshan Patel to get a quote about the situation, but unfortunately, we failed to receive a response. So we had no choice but to do what we always do—break into their office and find out what's going on, for the good of all the students here at the University of Illinois. And in the
end, our journalists were very surprised to see that the plans didn’t stop with Quad Day. Our team was surprised when they first entered what used to be the Illini Media building. They learned that The Daily Illini and its counterparts had been consolidated to only the third floor of the facility. The office we found was full of floor-to-ceiling stacks of previous issues, WPGU records, and tote containers filled with packs of Camels and cans of O’Doul’s for the “alternative” staff of Buzz writers.
According to an elaborate PowerPoint presentation we found illuminated on one of the computers, charging admission to Quad Day is the first step in a series of measures to bring the The Daily Illini out of the red this school year. University Vice President and Chief Financial Office Walter Knorr was the man who approved this fee, and we discovered that he’s taking a 10% cut of the profit made off of the event. Mr. Knorr declined comment as well, but we're assuming he went along with the deal due to a worsening heroin addiction that his salary and part-time prostitution gig can no longer support. continued on page 19
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My Final Days Before Studying Abroad
Using Your Camp Counselor Skills in Champaign
Inevitable "How was your summer?" Conversation
A small, seemingly harmless typo causes a change of plans.
Dealing with bodily fluids is easy stuff now.
The four worst people to have this chat with.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UIUC • theblacksheeponline.com
IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR.
Welcome Back Students! SATURDAY 8/24
SUNDAY 8/25
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>> Table of Contents << page 6: Quad Zombies Return to Invade Campus
>> The yearly event still puzzles Champaign locals.
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8
page 8: Road Ragin' Back to the 'Paign
>> The worst people you probably got stuck behind on your trip back.
page 9: Big Box Stores' College Checklists Deemed Embellished Crap
>> Their essentials are actually not-so-essential.
page 9: The Top Ten Ways Illini Students Can Avoid Being Broke Without Getting a Job
>> Because nobody wants to do that.
page 15: On the Streets
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>> What late-night food did you miss most over the summer?
page 16: Bartenders of the Week
>> Featuring Emily from The Clybourne and Cam from Firehaus
page 17: Booze Review: Smirnoff Sorbet Light Raspberry Pomegranate
>> Gets a "C" for "cavity-causing sweetness."
page 20: Should I Go on Reddit?
>> A simple yes or no guide when you just can't decide.
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page 21: The Black Sheep's Guide to Drinking Wine Like a Boss
22
>> Instead of sipping it like a freshman.
page 22: The Vice is Right
>> Do you know how much you're spending on your favorite items?
page 23: Chris Hardwick Destined to Host Everything
>> Venturing off Comedy Central and into your personal life.
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Meet The Staff Managing editor Katelyn Lilly Copy Editors Sean Neumann, Austin Gomez Advertising Managers Megan Hambleton, Megan Rivera Writers Katelyn Lilly, Sean Neumann Austin Gomez, Molly Forrest Becky Jacobs, Grace Haka Sam Caravette, Scott Gantner Mike Benson, Brian Barsotti Patrick Filbin, Megan Rivera
Marketing TEAM Colin Lateano, Kelly Cerf Sam O., Zareena M. campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Leeweight
Word Dear Girl, I hear you're the new editor of The Black Sheep. I'm not so sure you're going to be able to handle all of this responsibility. Aren't you afraid your monthly menstruation will keep you from doing a good job? Sincerely, Concerned Dear Jerk, First of all, it's called birth control. Second, it's about damn time I was given the chance to run the show. After all the late nights of writing and rewriting and competitively taking shots of Fireball with the other prospective editors, you better believe I deserve it. And just because I'm a chick doesn't mean I can't get the job done. I can bench double my weight. I eat over 3,000 calories a day. I've been banned from three European countries for disgusting reasons. I have ten hairs on my chest. I'm also a compulsive liar. To be honest with you, I'm just your average person who has a knack for bossing people around and correcting grammar. I have absolutely zero talent when it comes to water skiing or screenshotting Snapchats. I don’t know what a Vine is, anyway. I genuinely enjoy tequila shots, and I can recite the entire script from Heavyweights. So before you make fun of me again, just remember that I'm probably an even bigger loser than you, so you’re picking on the feeblest of us all. Adios, Kitty Kat
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The vague weight a college student cites as their actual weight, knowing the number to be inaccurate.
of the
“When Eric told Melissa he weighed 170 pounds, hoping he could keep his shirt on during sex, he was giving her his shameful, shameful leeweight.”
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Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UIUC and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
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My Final Days Before
Studying Abroad in Delaware By: Tex mex To my supportive, but ludicrously tasteless readers, It is with a heavy heart that I must inform all of you about a grave change of plans for my study abroad experience this fall. In spite of posting dozens of preemptive statuses and tweets bragging about traveling to Denmark and why my life is inherently more exciting than yours, an erroneous typo on my study abroad application has proved this hype all for naught. I will now be studying abroad in the state of Delaware. So I may be missing out on the enriching cultures of the Danes like the original Legoland, Danish pastries, and finding out how in the hell that “Ø” thing is pronounced. Gone are all of the pretty castles and grasslands that I found on Google, and gone are my hopes and dreams of meeting a real-life viking. I’ve even spent this past summer listening to viking metal bands, which is the country’s national genre of music. If any of you know someone who would like tickets to see Svartsot perform in Århus this October, please let me know. …But all is not lost! As the Danes say, “Elverne i mine bukser er fest på min kønsorganer!” which roughly translates to “Look at the positives!” While Delaware is only a two-hour flight from Illinois as opposed to nine, I don’t believe that you need to travel overseas to a new continent to truly experience what the rest of the world has to offer. In fact, did you know that Delaware is the only state without a National Park system or that it was the first state to ratify the Constitution? I mean, WOW. Do you feel that? That's just my superior sense of worldly culture permeating solely from my excitment. And as we all know, you can't leave out the "studying" part of studying
abroad. Otherwise, it would just be called "abroad," and that's a little too demeaning for my taste. After running a ranking search for my host university, I found that the University of Delaware rests at #75, which is leagues worse than where I'm currently enrolled, but that's where student culture kicks in. I'm sure if you placed a Delawarean student and an Illinoisian student together, they'd seem like they were from opposite ends of the Earth! I've even tried to properly assimilate myself in their culture by making use of their Incoming Foreign Exchange Student Facebook group. I wanted to ensure that a foreigner like myself didn't end up falling victim to Delaware's stifling crime rate, which I read was higher than the national average in 2010. No one liked my post, but I did receive one response saying "go fuck yourself, buddy," which I can only assume means "Salutations, prospective classmate! I can surely show you the wonderful fruit that Delaware bears henceforth from its loom!" in Delanese.
"They say a lot of students end up staying where they go abroad ... I don't think I'll be an exception." I also cannot wait for the rambunctious citylife that Delaware has been notorious for since its founding in 1638. As a state concepted on a foundation where sales tax is a mythical burden, it gives me peace of mind knowing that all of my Europe-bound peers will be spending a leg-and-a-half for fish and chips while I'll be spending pocket change
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on magnesium and gravel products, Delaware's chief mineral exports. So to hell with Europe, Asia or any other continent that supposedly yields a "substantial cultural experience that I'll cherish for the rest of my life." Against my silly study abroad brethren going to build houses in Africa and exploring ancient castles in the United Kingdom, I'll take my chances in Delaware. They say a lot of students end up staying where they go abroad ... I don't think I'll be an exception. Later losers, "Liberty and Independence" Tex Mex
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IES B M O Z D A U Q
s u p m a C e d a v Return to In
en By: Jupiter Stev
Late last night, reports of zombie-like creatures roaming around on the Quad began to ping in The Black Sheep inboxes. The reports claimed that over 40,000 of the dead-eyed monsters were found on the Quad, smelling the grass and moaning the word “home.” Some witnesses said they saw several hundred of the creatures smelling and eating the grass, but most of the shocked onlookers recall seeing thousands of them taking Instagram photos, using the hashtags #gladtobeback and #ILL. Locals say this strange phenomenon has happened once every year since 1867, without explanation. There have been claims that the creatures always mysteriously flock towards Green Street—a location in Champaign-Urbana appropriately named after the color of the ooze that the zombies spit out when they consume too much of the magical liquid that is squeezed out of their energy source, “The Keystone.” One local told us that residents in the Champaign-Urbana area have been wary of the creatures for almost 200 years, but have yet to construct an executable plan to overpower the creatures, and their diligence to remain outside on Green Street during the nighttime. Instead, the residents have each done their part in satisfying the zombies until they leave again in the spring—feeding them their desired energy source, which locals call “alcohol” at places they've deemed “bars.”
One bar in particular, Joe's Brewery, has also found that loud popmusic and bright, flashing lights also wards off the creatures' potentially violent behavior. “They were just mindlessly dancing,” one witness said. “I literally saw one of them crawling across the dance floor, licking up all the alcohol that was spilled. His head was bobbing perfectly in time with the music. It looked like he, er, it was having…fun.” It has been found that the creatures become incapacitated when given too much alcohol, prompting the Champaign-Urbana community to host an annual event in the spring called “Unofficial.” The purpose of this yearly event was originally designed to purposely overfeed the creatures in order to weaken the group, allowing the locals a chance to fight back. However, the annual attempt at getting rid of the creatures has backfired in recent years, attracting zombies from other infected regions across the Midwest and encouraging them to dress in their favorite color, green.
“I don't know, okay?” Professor Levi snapped at reporters. “They just wander and drink and wander and ... oh God, they drink so much...”
“I don't understand,” one local man complained. “More and more just keep coming. What do they want?!”
Both men said they strongly urged the local community to stay away from Green Street between the months of August and May. When asked about the threats and danger that the Quad Zombies bring to the Champaign-Urbana community, the two experts said there is “no lethal harm” that comes along with the creatures, but both strongly agreed that when they spit up the Keystone energy source it is “really, really fucking gross.”
Two animal science professors in the Champaign-Urbana area, Peter Levi and George Strauss, have studied the Quad Zombies' behavior for years but remain flustered when it comes to answering the question “Why?”
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Professor Strauss said he has done first-hand research in the field, going out to bars and trying to communicate with the creatures. “I've found that they keep referring to some sort of overlord figure named 'Bro,’” Strauss said. “Once we find the 'Bro,' I'm confident that we can get some real answers as to what they really want with us and our community.”
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Using Your Camp Counselor Skills IN CHAMPAIGN By: A Shell-Shocked Camp Counselor
After three months of summer each and every U of I student returns to Champaign a changed man. Engineering students return with greater experience and skill after working summer internships, athletes return stronger and faster after months of training, and The Daily Illini editors return with calloused hands prepped to type hundreds of words of misguided jargon thanks to many months of frequent and fervent masturbation. However, no student gains more grit and character than that of the summer camp counselor. For eight hours a day, five days a week, the camp counselor toils in the blistering sun playing bombardment and listening to Now 47. There are no breaks for the camp counselor. When he wishes to eat, he is forced to instead heat up little Jimmy’s SpongeBob Easy Mac and watch Jimmy ungratefully scarf it down. When he wishes to smoke, he has to bum his pack out to the seventh graders without his supervisor noticing. And when he wishes to shit, he has to do so while his campers run wild and take their own shits in the urinals next door. By the end of summer the camp counselor can withstand any cruelty life is capable of delivering. But while he is knowledgeable about how to survive in the lion’s den, it takes wisdom to translate that skill to the real world. The most obvious benefit of being a camp counselor in terms of Champaign life is the over-exposure to bodily functions. Depending on the age one works with, a camp counselor is bound to see just about every human fluid at least once. After the first week of working the job, camp counselors often complain about the grossness of their campers. However, at summer's end, their emotions are far too numb to feel much of anything. This quiet emotional death goes great with bar jobs. Picking up shit in front of The Red Lion and wiping down toilets after a Friday night can seem like a drag, but with the slight sociopathic desensitization that being a camp counselor induces, bar tasks like those will be a breeze. The other obvious advantage of camp counselor experience is the innate ability to control a crowd of hormone-saturated delinquents. As any self-respecting camp counselor knows, it’s all about transi-
tions. When it’s time to gather your campers to go to the pool, with some of them running around wildly, sneaking around to make out or trying to sell each other household pharmaceuticals, all you need to do to control the chaos is to play a song to get everyone’s attention. With kids, try either a Top 40 hit or an up-tempo Queen song. If it’s time to gather the pre-game together to go to the bars—which we all know takes about 30 minutes each time, on average—play either of those options as well.
"The ability to secretly surf Reddit on your phone in front of your supervisor while your kids are running around with scissors will come in handy during lectures." Beyond the obvious advantages, there are a plethora of other skills a camp counselor knows that can come in handy in Champaign. The ability to secretly surf Reddit on your phone in front of your supervisor while your kids are running around with scissors will come in handy during lectures. The finely-tuned skill of looking busy on the pool deck so that you aren’t asked to go in the water is easily translated to the physics lab, where, with a little luck, actual work can be kept to a minimum. If a camp counselor learns anything, it’s to emulate the lying, scheming, mischievous little turds that they have been watching for eight weeks. While society at large generally agrees that maturing after age nine is a good thing, it takes being outwitted by a poop-faced young child to come to respect their grand vision and accept that maybe they have something to teach us after all.
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Road Ragin’ By: Kimberly Ann After a grueling three months of minimum wage summer jobs and more sobriety than AA's Twelve Step Program calls for, everyone rushed to get back to Champaign-Urbana, where the beer flows freely like a longawaited piss. The three-hour ride through cornfields was bad enough, but getting stuck behind the wrong people on the road dragged out your trip like a bad Nicholas Cage movie. If you knew better you would
Back to the 'Paign
have looked out for these people to speed far ahead of ‘em, tossing the bird as you passed. Soccer moms are annoying enough with their oversized vans filled with little kiddies crapping their pants at the sight of a Happy Meal, but once these semi-menopausal women get on their cell phones, all hell breaks loose. These women are already trying to put their makeup on, breastfeed their children and pay the bills, all while driving. This was bad news for you. As they decided to call their spouse out of boredom, you traveled twenty miles per hour under the speed limit somewhere around Manteno. Attempting to pass her was difficult as she swerved across all four lanes, trying not to get her nipple bitten off by her screaming brat. Even after evading soccer moms, you found a man going through a midlife crisis close by. Though he has enough money to buy the newest muscle car on the lot, it doesn’t mean he can drive it. At the end of the day, he still putters down the road like a senile old man with an out-of-date eye prescription. As the over-the-hill grandpa realizes that his car won’t attract skinny, blonde super models with triple Ds, he comes to terms with the sweet new whip as a dead giveaway that’s he’s
trying to overcompensate for his wrinkly nutsack. With no remaining retirement fund to pay the insurance on his hot rod, the defeated middleaged man had no choice but to drive slower than 45 miles per hour the whole. Trip. There. You got caught staring at his taillights flashing as he freaked out at those passing him in the right lane. The normally fun-to-mess-with student drivers were the worst people on the trip down. On I-57 near Bourbonnais they freaked for more than the 20 minutes during their first true interstate experience. The distractions — car dealerships, Bears flags, Taco Bell/KFC mash-up restaurants — were like lit matches teasing a fifteen-year-old fuse. When you pulled within a mile of this driver you witnessed him crashing into a guardrail just to get a little sanity. You also realized how bad of an idea it was driving behind anyone who sports Greek letters on their rear windshield. Sorority sisters gave you fits. You heard these bimbos from a mile away screaming “Call Me Maybe” while practicing their annoying rush routines. They’re the precursor to soccer moms, before all the plastic surgeries are arranged. You should have just stopped the transformation with a friendly little sideswipe as you drove by… Frat stars; the worst of the bunch. These boys couldn’t even see the road due to the combination of aviator sunglasses and tinted windows. Playing with radio knobs for five miles straight hoping to get as turnt up as possible, their attention wasn’t anywhere near the road. The brotherly circle jerk in the back seat was also a major distraction, causing this Caddy to move at a slow pace the entire way to Champaign. Alas, several ulcers and several hours later you found yourself at your brand new apartment, ready to move in. As you unloaded your TV, your stereo, a few cases of beer stolen from the parents, and a mysterious box labeled “sexy time,” you realized that you survived, and the day was yours.
ea
big box stores' College Checklists
Deemed Embellished Crap
The
Top
Ten
Ways Illini Students Can Avoid Being Broke Without Getting a Job By: Sam Caravette
Although you worked all summer, your bank account doesn’t seem to show it. Now you’re headed back to campus without a dime to your name. If you’re lucky, your parents may spread the money-love your way, but a hundred bucks can only get you so far. Here are ten ways to ease your way back into college spending without going broke by Thanksgiving. 10.) Don’t Tip: Delivery services, from Prime Time to Jimmy John’s, employ other college students. So ask yourself, “Why am I giving the guy who sleeps in my bio class an extra $5?” He’s just doing his job. If you’re going to tip any college student, you might as well tip yourself. 9.) Join a Club: Quad Day is a smorgasbord of free shit. Our younger, stupider freshmen selves signed up for every club that gave us the time of day. The bombardment of emails may seem like a curse, but they present the perfect opportunity to stock up on free goodies. The Knitting Club may not be the social center of UIUC, but a free crocheted koozie is a score.
By: Rebecca Jacobs Capitalism took quite a hit earlier this month when big box stores openly admitted to annually printing college dorm “necessity” checklists that are actually just loads of bullshit. Representatives from Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Walmart took questions from brash journalists at a heated press conference last Tuesday. The conference spawned from an incident where a student was beheaded by an overloaded shelf, holding what forensics experts called “a bunch of stupid shit.” The consumer’s parent said that the only reason her daughter bought all of those products was because the department store claimed they were “necessary back-to-school items.” “You can’t major in levitation,” said the student’s mother, Beth Loppers. “All her purchased junk couldn’t fit in her rinky-dink dorm room so we put it on a shelf, which the store was also conveniently selling, and look where she is now. Dead.” Amid frantic controversy, the stores recalled other useless items, effective immediately. Recalled items included irons, ironing boards, blenders, juicers, toasters, hanging curtains, hampers, computer chairs, and scales. “I don’t know what we were thinking with the scale sales,” commented Walmart CEO Mike Duke. “It’s a bit counterproductive to our food sales, and it's an item most of our customers have never even heard of, along with the toothbrush.” After hearing about the tragic Loppers girl incident, students studying law and political science began to offer their limited expertise in similar court cases. They vowed to defend their fellow classmates against the big box stores in this pivotal time. “Wikipedia is a reliable source to use in lawsuits as long as you cite it,” confirmed Doug Pell, student of Whittier Law School. “If they don’t buy it, I can totally just reference a couple scenes from A Few Good Men, and we'll be fine.” Another claim filed against Bed Bath & Beyond stated the thoughtlessness of encouraging consumers to purchase both chairs and futons for the same room. For those to even fit inside an average dorm room, one of the items would have to be hung from the ceiling by metal chains (available in aisle five). According to one Target spokeswoman, another top complaint from consumers was the sale of bottled water and filtered water containers. Amateur lawyers argue these sales
are unconstitutional since drinking fountains provide free water across campus, which is “usually filtered somewhere before.” “I need water filters and wireless routers like I need a hole in the head,” stated Wendy Tamberet, student at University of North Dakota. Tamberet is suing Target for selling her a beanbag and rolling computer chair for her room. Her lawyer validated the claim, stating that it “kept her from sitting on her bed and leaning against the wall, causing back ache, preventing her from playing in the third softball intramural game of the season.” Her lawyer also added that she was hit in the face with a pitch at that game, resulting in corrective nose and cheekbone surgery. “A little back discomfort would’ve saved me a lot in medical bills,” stated Tamberet. “And it’s hard to soothe a sore back on a beanbag chair.”
8.) Get Cheap Drunk: Alcohol is the best way to lose your appetite, especially when it’s cheap and disgusting. A few shots of Sugar Cookie Burnett’s will have your stomach turning at the mere mention of food. Bargain drunkenness and no money wasted on food means there’s more money to spend at Kam’s. 7.) Borrow a Book: Save yourself the money and share the textbook with an international student. Just suck it up and be their friend for a semester. Chances are they’re willing to befriend your lousy American ass, and you’ll end up getting your homework done for once. 6.) Ditch the TP: Have you seen the abundance of trees lining Wright Street? Come autumn, all those pretty leaves will fall … straight to your ass. They’re completely free and basically paper, right? If it’s good enough for a drunken sorostitute to use on the Quad after barndance, it’s good enough for you. 5.) Shower Outside: Water bill? Fuhgeddaboudit! The sky provides plenty of free water—enough for drinking water and, of course, showers. A misty drizzle won’t cut it when you’re trying to scrape dayold vomit out of your hair, but a nice downpour will get a good lather going and put on quite the show for your neighbors. Hey, maybe they’ll even throw a couple of bucks your way. 4.) Be a Bum: Drunk and vulnerable college students give away free money like it’s going out of style while walking down Green Street late at night. Dust up your tattered clothes that were so last season, hit the street in the wee morning hours and go on begging! 3.) Join eBay: What’s better than revenge and quick cash? While your roommate is passed out after a long tequila night, steal the things that they took out to the bar and put them up for auction. Chances are they’ll think that they lost them at Joe’s while you’re raking in the dough.
When word of Tamberet’s case reached students at the University of Illinois, riots broke out across campus. Effigies of Target’s spotted dog and Walmart’s smiley face were burned on top of the Alma Mater. Janitors reported the damage found the next day in the University Housing offices by early move-in students. All decorative family pictures on desks were smashed. Office plants were broken and sprinkled into the shape of skulls and crossbones on the floor. Standing floor lamps were stripped of their bulbs and snapped in half. University housing at many public universities across the country responded two weeks later with a notice to all students. The list detailed specific items that were deemed essentials, while all other items not included on the list were strictly prohibited from dorms and private certified housing. The “essentials list” consisted only of the following: one lamp, one pillow, one blanket, one 30-pack of ramen, and one pair of shower flip-flops. Police dogs trained to sniff out what university leaders called “capitalist bullshit” were placed at each door throughout move-in week. The department stores released apology statements posted in the stalls of dormitory bathrooms across the country, which was interpreted by the press as being a way to promote reading outside the classroom, therefore rebuilding the companies’ images. The Princeton Review polled students to see if their college experience has improved since the changes. Eighty-three percent of students said, “You know, curtains would make my dorm a little homier.”
2.) Steal from the Ike: Despite the fact that tuition is through the roof, the dining staff is ready to flay anyone taking more than one apple out of the Ike. However, the student staff could give a rat’s ass if you decide to shove your tray into a large bag under the table. If you’re someone who gets grossed out when the peas touch the potatoes, it’s time to nut up, because mashing pizza, tacos and fries together is the only way that mishmash is getting back to your room. 1.) Dumpster Dive: It’s the oldest form of obtaining free shit, just short of stealing. If you can get past a few stains on your clothes and having a little mold on your food, then the dumpsters behind the Greek houses are goldmines for all your needs.
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The Inevitable “How was your summer?” Conversation By: Patrick Filbin Everyone’s least favorite part about coming back to school is the unwritten requirement to ask people (whether you actually talk to them or just recognize their face), “How was your summer?” You just have to. And if you don’t, you’re a dick. Because why wouldn’t you want to know how Katie’s two months in Cabo were? Or how beautiful the view was when Lauren biked over the Brooklyn Bridge on the way to her internship at InStyle? You know it’s coming, and it’s going to be terrible. So to help you out with this year’s forced exchange of summer reminiscence, here are four people you will unfortunately run into when you get back to school and how to deal with them. The “Gym Rat”: To be frank, don’t even bother with this guy because he doesn’t have one interesting story in that steroid-induced monster head of his. He’s gonna tell you how he started dead-lifting 365, how working construction was “the best thing that’s ever happened to him,” and how he sides with A-Rod on the whole HGH scandal. If you get cornered by The Gym Rat, make sure to thank him for the eight-second iPhone videos of him on Facebook pushing around a tire in an abandoned parking lot while his moron of a friend screams, “Fuel to the fire, keep it burning!” Then walk away, because he could crush your normal-sized head with just his thumb and pointer finger. Question he’ll ask you: “Do you even lift bro?” (But seriously.) The “Yeah I Didn’t Do Much” Dude: This guy will make you feel infinitely better about yourself, so stick around just to hear how painfully boring his three months off were. He worked the checkout lane once a week at Home Depot, spent mornings and afternoons inside either playing Starcraft II or reading fan fiction on Starcraft II, and huddled around a
bonfire in 92-degree heat, splitting a 12-er of Busch Light with his buddy Stephen on the weekends. Before this conversation, you wouldn’t have even believed you could waste a summer like this guy has. Question he’ll ask you: “You don’t think they have an Xbox at this party, do you?” The “I Was Abroad!” Girl: Holy shit man, this girl is the worst. Get out as fast as you can with this one. The girl who went abroad this summer is only talking to you in order to point out that you didn't go abroad this summer. Her only goal is to make you feel like a worthless peasant who chose to stay in the United States when you totally could have gone on gondola rides in Venice and Vespa tours in Paris or wherever the hell she went. She actually didn’t even learn anything or appreciate the culture while she was there, but she totally had Instagram aimed and ready to go at all times and saw all of Europe through her shitty 5-megapixel camera. But it’s okay, because now she has 40 more followers than she did a few months ago, 10 less than the amount of hashtags she uses on each picture. Question she’ll ask you: “Wait you didn’t go abroad, did you? Okay good.” The “New York Internship” Girl: How is this girl not broke and homeless? From what we know, New York apartments cost about $1,200 a month for a closet-sized room, and Glamour Magazine pays their interns in last season’s scarves. But three minutes into the conversation you’ll learn that her parents “helped her out a little,” and she “basically lived on pizza and Barefoot pinot grigio.” Ignoring her modesty and all-around glitzy aura, you’ll quickly realize that she genuinely thinks she is exponentially better than you, and she has her NYC Subway pass to prove it. She’ll bore your ear off about how “New York is so much different than
Chicago,” when it’s the same damn thing, except people are just a little snobbier and instead of the alleyways, it’s the streets that smell like garbage. Nevertheless, you will feel jealous, but that’s natural. Not for the reasons she thinks you should be, like seeing Penn Badgley skateboarding in SoHo, but because her future looks incredibly promising while yours looks more and more like Amanda Bynes’. Question she’ll ask you: “Do you watch Girls? No? How about Sex and the City? Oh, because we ate lunch at the place where they shot that one scene...” Just avoid people as much as possible the first few days, and if you do accidentally run into someone you don’t wish to speak to, have a lot of “Gotta go, bye!” excuses ready in your arsenal. However if you do get stuck in an unfortunate situation, just lie your ass off and hope your made-up summer makes them just as jealous and annoyed.
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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT
This month only! $6 Bacardi Flavored Long Island Teas
Saturday Night's Show: DOUBLE A with BRIAN MONK and MICHAEL MEDALL
THURSDAY, AUGUST 29TH AVION TEQUILA PRESENTS... CLYBOURNE'S WHITE PARTY WEAR WHITE- WHITE GLOWSTICKS $1 WELLS, $3 TOP SHELF U CALL IT
SATURDAY The Whigs, $5, 9:30pm w/ Hi Ho Buffalo
THURSDAY 8/22
$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots, $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands, $4 Domestic Pitchers $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles, $2.50 1800 Tequila
SUMMER STRAGGLERS with DJ MELLOW $2 Dirty Palmers, $1 Off All Drafts No Cover!
DOLLAR WELLS! $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS $3 ANYTHING ELSE (ANY LIQUOR OR BEER) $3 JAGER BOMBS $3 RED BULL UV VODKA
Bone Jugs N Harmony, $5 $2 Domestics, $2 Wells
FRIDAY 8/23
$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles, $2.50 1800 Tequila
CLOSED Get your Krewella tickets for 10/16 now!
$3 BUD & BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $4 PINNACLE VODKA ELECTRIC LEMONADES (Includes a Glow Stick!) $3 VEGAS BOMBS, $3 CUERVO SHOTS, $4 LONG ISLANDS
DJ Wesjile & Kow, 10pm No Cover before 11pm!
SATURDAY 8/24
$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles, $2.50 1800 Tequila
SO LONG FORGOTTEN with HANK and THIN GIN
$3 JIM BEAM $3 THREE OLIVES VODKA $3.50 THREE OLIVES BOMBS $3 BUD & BUD LIGHT BOTTLES
The Whigs, $5, 9:30pm w/ Hi Ho Buffalo
Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho
SUNDAY 8/25
Closed
CLOSED
MONDAY 8/26
MASON JAR MONDAY! Pub Quiz Starting at 9PM! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts, $3 Double Wells, $3 Double Jack and Double Soco, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles, $2.50 1800 Tequila
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm Followed by the MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY HOUSE BAND! $1 Drinks! $2 Slices from Manolos! $1 Cover!
$2 U CALL IT
Retro Monday, FREE! DJ Mingram spinning the best 80s and 90s tunes $1.50 Domestic Bottles, $2 Well Drinks
TUESDAY 8/27
CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts, $3 Import Drafts, $2 Shot of the Week, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles, $2.50 1800 Tequila
THE PIANO MAN Returns! Shay is back on the keys playing all your favorites! $3 Real Long Islands! $1 Cover
WINE NIGHT $8 BOTTLES OF WOODBRIDGE WINE $8 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $2 WELLS
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
WEDNESDAY 8/27
$0.15 Wings: 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles, $2.50 1800 Tequila
Check out canopyclub.com to see all our fall concerts!
LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 LONG ISLANDS $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS $2 SAILOR JERRY $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
The BarGrid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT
DOWNTOWN FRIDAY: BEARS vs RAIDERS 9PM WIN NFL TICKETS!
$3 THREE OLIVES VODKA $3 CUERVO, $3 CAPTAIN MORGAN, $3 VEGAS BOMBS, $6 BUD LIGHT 40'S $3.99 HAUS FRIES (ALL DAY)
MONDAY: $3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich
Friday: Turquoise Jeep, Live! $15, Doors Open at 8pm DJ Delayney at 11pm
Wednesday: $2 Fireball, $2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils
FRIDAY & SATURDAY: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef
Risque Thursdays House - Electro - Dubstep No Cover before 11pm $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands & Sex on the Beach
$3 Smirnoff, $2 Bud Light Drafts, $2 Jager Bombs
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich
Turquoise Jeep, Live! $15, Doors Open at 8pm DJ Delayney at 11pm
$3 Jim Beam, $2 Red Headed Sluts, $6 Pitchers of Orange Shandy
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
$3 Bacardi, $2 Jager Barrels, $6 Pitchers of Lunch Box
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
BYOB! Build Your Own Bucket 5 Beers for $11, $2 Jager Bombs
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
$2 Sailor Jerry, $2 Bud Platinums, MNJ!!!
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
$2 Cuervo $2 Blue Moons and all the 90's you can handle
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
THURSDAY 8/22
HALF PRICE WHISKEY NIGHT! $3 LONG ISLANDS $3 JAGER BOMBS $2.50 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $5 LIME-A-RITA PITCHERS
FRIDAY 8/23
BEARS vs RAIDERS 9PM WIN NFL TICKETS!
$3 THREE OLIVES VODKA $3 CUERVO, $3 CAPTAIN MORGAN, $3 VEGAS BOMBS, $6 BUD LIGHT 40'S $3.99 HAUS FRIES (ALL DAY)
SATURDAY 8/24
$3 JIM BEAM $3.50 JAGER BOMBS $3 RUMPLE SHOTS $3 GOLDSCHLAGER $7.50 LIME-A-RITA PITCHERS
Catch Every Game at Guido's!
De Noche Free Salsa Class at 9pm Salsa dancing until 2am! $6 Beer + Shot, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum and Cola
SUNDAY 8/25
$2 ANYTHING NIGHT! (Every Liquor Shot /Any Beer) $3.50 BLOODY MARY BAR $2.99 FULL ORDER OF BEER NUGGETS ALL DAY
$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich
DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card
MONDAY 8/26
Half Price Appetizers 4PM-10PM
$2 LONG ISLANDS, $2 CRUZAN RUM, $3 ALL CRAFT BOTTLES & DRAFTS, $2 SAUZA SILVER TEQUILA SHOTS, $15 BUD HYDRANTS
TUESDAY 8/27
TIME WARP TUESDAYS! $2.99 CHEESEBURGER & CHIPS 4PM-10PM HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $6 BUD & BUD LIGHT PITCHERS $2 WELLS, $2.50 SOCO $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS
WEDNESDAY 8/27
KARAOKE & MUG NIGHT! YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 PINNACLE VODKA, $2 SAILOR JERRY SPICED RUM, $2 TULLAMORE DEW, $1 SHOTS $3.99 BUFFALO CHICKEN & CHIPS 4PM-10PM
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe
$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken
19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm
$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots
(217) 344-4600 401 E Green St Champaign, Illinois
Papa D’s (Formerly Geovanti’s) Don’t worry, the chicken strips remain!
$639 Specials Happy Hour After Midnight 8pm - Midnight 3 Chicken Strips and Fries Large Cheese Pizza Double Cheeseburger and Fries Gyro and Fries
Monday: $0.50 Pizza Slices Tuesday: $1 Chicken Strips Thursday: $1 Burgers
The BarGrid Page 3 of 3
KAM'S $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.00 Jameson & Bacardi Doubles $1 Burst Shots
SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV VODKA $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS $2.50 BUD BOTTLES $5 24oz SHACKERS
Burger Night! $4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it $2 Soco Lime
OPEN AT 5PM $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES $1 BURNETT'S WHIPPED VODKA $3 JIM BEAM, $3 JAGER BOMBS $4 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it
FRAT POTION NIGHT $3.50 THREE OLIVES BOMBS $3 AMERICAN HONEY WHISKEY $3 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $3 CUERVO SILVER TEQUILA SHOTS
$4 Pitchers, $2 U Call It
SAT. 8/24
BIG FRIDAY! $5 BIG 32 oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms
Every Day! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes
FRI. 8/23
Absolut Friday! DJ Delicato at 10pm $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt. Cans $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots
Mustache Night!
Come join the Logo Mug Club and enter to win a Pub Neon (Starts Sept. 4th)
SATURDAY: FRAT POTION NIGHT $3.50 THREE OLIVES BOMBS $3 AMERICAN HONEY WHISKEY $3 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $3 CUERVO SILVER TEQUILA SHOTS
THURS. 8/22
Klub Kam’s $5 KamIslands, $2 312 Bottles, $2 Bud & Bud Lt Glow Sticks & Great Dance Music
Mustache Night!
SPECIAL NIGHT
SATURDAY! WELCOME BACK PARTY w/ DJ Dash at 10pm Win a UV Guitar & Cooler $4 Blue Guys $2 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles
$3.50 Irish Pub Stout & Batch 19 $7.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud, Bud Lt & Rolling Rock Pitchers $4.00 Jager Bombs Football Ticket Giveaways Every Friday Before a Home Game!
WELCOME BACK PARTY! DJ Dash 10pm Win a UV Guitar & Cooler $4 Blue Guys $2 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles
Solo Cup Saturday!
$2.25 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud, Bud Lt & Rolling Rock Pints $2.50 Bacardi Bombs $5.00 Jameson Doubles
Quad Day Party! $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
$2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles $6.00 PBR & Hamms Pitchers $2.50 Well Mixers (U-Call-IT) $1.00 Orchata Shots $4.00 Pub Bombs
WELCOME BACK PARTY!
Closed
SUN. 8/25
Tweet to Win Prizes! $2 U Call It “Get it All Here”
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
$2.00 PBR & Hamms Pints $2.50 Wild Turkey and Pinnacle Vodka $5.00 Sailor Jerry Double Mixers $1.00 Burst Flavor Shots
MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS $2 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 RED BULL VODKA’S
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
MON. 8/26
Country Nite “Drink in Your Mason” $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
$3.00 Blue Moon and Red’s Apple Ale Pints $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $5.00 Jim Beam Honey Barrels $2.50 Dr. Shots
$2 UV VODKA $1 SHOTS (SHOT MENU) $3 BUD LIGHT 24oz TALLBOYS
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
TUES. 8/27
Platinium Wednesday Kickoff Bud Girls! Win a Fridge & Bud Cooler $2 Platinium, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers $4 Bacardi Buckets
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Come join the Logo Mug Club and enter to win a Pub Neon (Starts Sept. 4th) $2.50 Dr. Shots & Orchata $6.00 PBR & Hamms Pitchers $4.00 Jager Bombs
BUCKET NIGHT $4 JIM BEAM BUCKETS $4 PINNACLE VODKA BUCKETS $4 CRUZAN RUM BUCKETS $2 SAILOR JERRY DRINKS
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
WED. 8/28
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Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets What late-night food did you miss most over summer? ior Ben M., Sen
“Red Lion Poop Girl.”
Junior Chelsea L.,
“I didn’t miss any because I ate them all.”
nior Nick W., Ju
“The cornbread from Black Dog.”
15
Bartenders of the Week
Emily of
The Clybourne
Relationship status: Slam-piece Major: Advertising Favorite drink: Frat potion Favorite shot: Blowjob shot Worst thing you did this summer: Worked at Lion What you’re most excited to see back on campus: The inside of a Six Pack dorm room The first thing you’re doing to a freshman: Taking virginity Five words on U of I’s upcoming football season: I’d rather be at Block Your best tailgating advice for a freshman: Go to Iowa How long the average student can hold out before skipping their first class: I don’t start ‘til after syllabus week Your summer anthem: ”We Can’t Stop”- Miley Cyrus Do you want to have a tickle fight?: I’d rather diddle than tickle Biggest turn on: Big bulge Biggest turn off: When a guy doesn’t tip Cartoon character you would bang: Butters Biggest regret: My first Cly’s barcrawl
Drinking Game
Cam of
Firehaus
Relationship status: VP of the Dolphin Division of Bestiality Corp. America Major: GDI Favorite drink: Twat salsa Favorite shot: UV Blue Worst thing you did this summer: Anal beads What you’re most excited to see back on campus: Sunday night C-Street The first thing you’re doing to a freshman: Play pool with them at The Union What you’re actually doing with your parents’ textbook money: Buying coke Five words on U of I’s upcoming football season: I love you Nathan Scheelhaase Your best tailgating advice for freshmen: Block Your summer anthem: “Lick My Fax Machine”- Justin Timberlake Do you want to have a tickle fight?: Yes, with Red Lion Poop Girl Biggest turn off: Kim DeGiacomo Cartoon character you would bang: Kim Possible
Recipe for disaster
Quad Day Scavenger Hunt
Back to School Burgers
Whether you're an incoming freshman with an early case of alcoholism or an upperclassman prone to Sunday Fun Days, Malt Liquor Mondays, Toasted Tuesdays, Wasted Wednesdays, Thirsty Thursdays, and uh, the weekend, Quad Day is always more fun with some booze in you. We found a way to make the day on campus where every student organization tries to make you feel like you belong even more enjoyable.
Now that you're finally back on campus, it's time to start being an adult again by grocery shopping and making your own food. Since the weather is still nice for a while, here's a quick dinner recipe that is yummy, simple and great for the grill.
What You'll Need: A group of friends, a camera and the alcohol of your choice. Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: It all depends on how quick you are. How to Play: - Gather your friends in your apartment the morning before Quad Day. - Before starting, everyone needs to take a shot or chug a beer. Woo-hoo 11 a.m.! - Divide everyone into teams and make sure each team has a camera. - Make a list of 10-15 things for your teams to gather. Examples include 5 pens from different organizations, 1 religious flyer trying to convert you, 2 pictures of your team with someone LARPing, 1 t-shirt, 1 copy of The Black Sheep, etc. - Once you've gathered all your items, race back to the apartment. - After all the teams return, each team needs to take a shot for the place they finished in. For example, team members on the second-place team need to take two shots. - Award bonus points to teams for the funniest photos, the most colorful pens, and for the number of clubs for which you put down your email address. - Teams then take turns passing out their bonus points in the form of shots to the other teams. The Game Ends When: Does drinking really ever have to end? You'll really regret this when the 200 emails flood your inbox, asking you to come out to the club's first meeting.
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What You'll Need: Hamburger patties and buns, your favorite burger fixings (cheese, lettuce, onions, tomatoes), cans of Keystone, and French fries or hash browns. Cook Time: About 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: You could always use veggie burgers, but that's no fun. Let's Get Baked: - Heat up the grill (most likely the mini George Foreman on your counter, amirite?). - If you're making hash browns, put a skillet on the stove with a little oil and dump 'em in. - Turn the burner up to medium. - Toss your burger patty on the grill and let it cook for a few minutes. - We suggest toasting your burger bun and laying on a slice of cheese while it's still warm. - While your burger cooks, crack open a Keystone (take a sip, you know you want to) and pour a little bit over your burger. - After the suds soak in, flip the burger and pour a little more on the other side. - Keep repeating this until the burger is cooked to your liking. - Slip the patty off the grill and onto the bun. - Dump on your French fries or turn off your stove and add the hash browns. - Add the rest of your toppings, crack open another beer and you're done! The perfect precursor to your first night out back on campus.
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Booze Review Smirnoff Sorbet Light Raspberry Pomegranate
Grade: C written by: michael benson
Overview: Everyone's biggest concern when they drink is always, "Oh my God, I seriously can't have any more of these. Way too many calories." However, the late night run to Jimmy John's never seems to spark worries. With Smirnoff's new light versions of dessertinspired vodka, each shot is only 78 calories. Perfect for those of you who want to avoid the freshman fifteen (again).
ested upperclassman handed you a cup of "special" jungle juice.
The Taste Test: It was a girls' night in with the roommates before coming back to campus, and we wanted to get shitfaced like the glory days of freshman year. We heard about the new Smirnoff line from a friend and figured that if there was anything that would bring us to that level, it would be vodka. So after grabbing a bottle of Light Raspberry Pomegranate and a 2-liter of Diet 7 Up, we were ready for a sloppy, yet weightconscious good time.
Typical Drinkers: Sorority girls, GDI girls, girls who watch Girls, boys who want girls to like them, high school girls and girls on Weight Watchers.
Those dreams died within the first few sips. The smell that protruded from the bottle after we cracked the seal was orgasmic--a bouquet of fruits so strong you could barely notice the harshness of the vodka. After pouring two shots into a party cup and topping it off with the mixer, we took our first drink. It tasted like rush week, when you'd get that tingly (dare we say, sexual) feeling any time some seemingly inter-
But just like a hot Greek gal after four years of rigorous banging, we eventually dried up and realized this wasn't all that we were hoping for. It lead to us reciting Napoleon Dynamite movie quotes for 15 minutes and passing out before 12:30 a.m.
User Comments: "This tastes like feminism." "I just don't understand why he would do that to me!" *sobs* "Sure, only 78 calories. But how many of those are from fat?" Conclusion: Watching what you drink is silly, really. The few calories you save yourself here are going to be wasted away with tomorrow morning's hungover trip to Dunkin' Donuts. Sure, it's tasty, but the sweetness is a bit overwhelming, leaving you with a notorious sugar headache just as you start to feel tipsy.
Best Mixer: Diet 7up • Worst Mixer: Regular 7up
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The Penis The Ultimate Mind-Control Device By: Brian Barsotti Every man knows what it means to take commands from his penis. Women, however, have a very hard time understanding how a floppy piece of skin can have that much control over someone. But after a deep analysis, The Black Sheep firmly believes the shlong possesses more power than any other thing on the planet.
penis—think it’s as simple as, “Why don’t they just stop being horny?” There’s more to it than that, though. Dicks are mindcontrol devices, attached to half the world’s population, designed to make them deliver cheesy pick-up lines and shoot out salty seed.
Case in point: At one time or another, each guy has turned to his love muscle in deciding where to sit in a class. He could’ve sat at the front of the lecture hall (where he was sure to receive a better education), or he could’ve sat strategically behind a hottie with a whale tail proudly breaching. And unflinchingly, he went with the marine life. Because, well … butts.
For as pervasive as it is, “penis logic” isn’t even smart. If your dick was a person, it’d be a blithering idiot. It’d be the kind of guy who demands to ride shotgun and then feels compelled to read aloud every passing sign and billboard on the road. There’s no moderation to be had with a cock. It wants to be in everything, reason and cost be damned! To fully understand the effects of penis logic on a man’s choices, chew on this anecdote…
Many people know this sensation as “thinking with your dick.” Conventional wisdom suggests that the male thought process is torn asunder by two entities that are frequently at odds with each other: the brain and the tallywacker. In actuality, the penis typically has far more leverage in decision-making (particularly because of its lever shape, perhaps?). It takes a truly disciplined man to give any veto power to the actual brain. Most men don’t want to be walking erections. Most men want to be decent, respectable, civilized members of society, without the relentless thoughts of titties. But it’s really goddamn challenging to do that with something swinging below your belt. Women—and, you know, all other people who’ve never had a
Let’s say there’s a guy, Jack, and a girl, Cindy. Cindy calls Jack one night and asks him to come over and help with her homework. Now, say Cindy, visually, is as average as they come; she’s not bad, but you wouldn’t look twice at her at the beach. So the rational part of Jack says to himself, “Well, I’m feeling lazy tonight, and gas prices are as high as they’ve ever been, and Cindy lives twenty minutes away. Plus, Futurama’s on soon. Besides, she has a boyfriend, so it wouldn’t make much sense to expect anything in return.” So, Jack decides to head over to Cindy’s place anyway “just to see where it goes.” Does that sound intelligent to you? On the other side of the coin, does that seem like that would actually happen?
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A dick is the Mr. Hyde of the male psyche. Your average guy may be genuinely well-mannered under normal circumstances, but as soon as he sees a lady licking an ice cream cone, all bets are off. That’s when Stretchy and the Twins assume control of his every thought, word, and action. Some women believe they know what it’s like to think like men, but it’s more than just having a dirty mind; it’s trying to behave like a dignified person while hearing the quiet sound of “Look at her tits, look at her tits, look at her tits...” ringing in your ears. It’s a curse!
Continued from the cover Another scheme in the works will take place after Quad Day. The DI plans to announce their (highly overpriced) ticket sales for a campus-wide barndance. Hours before the event, the publication will alert ticketholders that the dance will be held at a different barn—a barn without Chex Mix lady Loretta, whom everybody loves—hoping that students will lose interest in attending. The DI hopes this last-minute switcharoo will cause a drop in attendees that will save them money on beer, buses and the barn deposit, and their profits from the non-refundable tickets will be a nice stimulus to Illini Media's struggling investments in a print version of Facebook that is exclusive to seniors (they call it the Illio). As our investigators flipped through the slides of The Daily Illini's step-by-step plan, we noticed some very drastic measures to wrangle together a few more bucks. Two of their newest writers were drafted to spend up to a week out on Green Street dressed as bums, entertaining female passersby with acoustic covers of Robin Thicke songs to snag a bit of pocket change. To check on the reliability of this plan, we decided to creep on the Facebook accounts of these chosen two. Our journalists all agreed that they will make very believable homeless people and, due to their relentless sending of Candy Crush requests to their friends, won't really be missed if there happens to be some massive bum-killing spree during their stakeout. Staff members were willing to go to any lengths to save their university-approved journalism. Three of the ad sales girls were scheduled for prostitution out in East Urbana and two of their photographers volunteered to head up an underground cocaine and gambling ring headquartered in the basement of Noyes. We were shocked they didn't come to us for advice on these plans, as it's very difficult to do either of these successfully without a little guidance. Out of everything The Daily Illini has planned for the stu-
dent body, there was one scheme in particular that cut to the core Illini in all of us. We found designs and copy drawn up for a Kickstarter page titled “Help us bring back the Chief!” However, the very bottom of the page informs small-print readers of the nefarious plot. ”The Daily Illini does not have the power or authority to bring back the Illinois Chief as the official campus mascot. The University will not, in any way, acknowledge the existence of such a mascot, if there is one that exists at all or that appears for a short period of time to appease student donors.” That’s right, The DI will be preying on our campus’ school spirit by lying about their ability to bring back the Chief … and keeping all of the donations when their attempt inevitably fails. It takes a group of really fucking sick people to do a thing like this. When our investigators had finally seen enough, our staff wiped every hard drive in the office clean and burned all of their catalogued issues. We know it’s possible that they kept backups of the plans close by, but we wanted them to know that we’re watching them. Always watching. Unfortunately for UIUC students, Quad Day is the first of many Illinois traditions that The Daily Illini will be running its scummy little hands through. The Black Sheep, however, vows to never put you in a situation like this. We want to be the moral compass and backbone of this school’s population and set you all on the path for fun weekend nights and an even brighter future. Whether we do that through dick jokes or tequila shots shouldn’t matter. So gather your friends, teachers, McKinley nurses and student senators (not sure exactly who they are) and help us band together against the entire Illini Media conglomerate. The Black Sheep has been and always will be the only true college newspaper, dedicated to benefitting each and every university student across this beautiful country of ours.
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The Black Sheep’s Guide to Drinking Wine Like A Boss Hey reader, what’s in your stash of booze, like, right now? We bet it’s something like 6 beers that once came in a 30-pack, half a plastic bottle of something that smells like rubbing alcohol’s shotgun shack cousin, and maybe if you’re really lucky, a half-bag of something reminiscent of “wine.” This is the year you said you were going to do things up right, keep it classy, but you don’t know where to begin. Well, how about with a nice (glass) bottle of wine?
TBS: When getting introduced to “good” wine, how would a college student on a budget go from a Tour De Franzia to a nice bottle of wine with dinner? Blake: First, stay away from the mainstream publications and seek out a local, passionate wine guy. The big guys are going to be wooed by the money and others’ agendas. This local guy can find you something that was like the chardonnay you had at your mom’s house that you liked, and he can introduce you to new wines you might like as well. Build a relationship with someone; if it’s a buck more, who cares? You get that value in a different way when he can show you lesser-known wines that are great values. Also, go to wine tastings. There are websites that’ll show you when and where they are. Go with a group of friends and just try different things. It’s inexpensive and it’s an experience. Or, just get a group of people to chip in and have a night where you go, “everyone bring a French white wine under
The Black Sheep is here to help. We sat down with two wine professionals to ask them how to integrate sweet, sweet wine into both the college lifestyle and budget. Blake Krynicky is a former chef and consultant now working for Fetzer Vineyards, one of the first sustainable vineyards in California. Bryan Cass is the son of the founder of Cass Vineyards and holds a master’s degree in wine business, which makes us insanely jealous. By: Brendan
ten bucks.” TBS: How is Franzia different from stuff that comes in a bottle? Bryan: The cheap stuff, they don’t use oak barrels, even for red wine. That’s important for making a complex wine, not just fermented grapes. The quality of the grapes is worse, too. A lot of the cheap stuff is made with Grenache, which you can get 10 to 15 tons an acre, but there’s so many grapes that the actual plant has an issue with making grapes of good quality. TBS: Is there a rule of thumb when it comes to wine price points? Blake: There are great wines available for under $20. Even at $15. From $10 to $15, you’ll also find some really good wine. Once you’re sinking under $6 for a bottle you’ve got to be careful. There’s some decent wines out there under that price, but wine’s the most expensive of beer, wine and spirits to produce, so you know they have to cut corners somewhere. $6 to $10 is a great price range to explore when on a budget. Bryan: Nowadays there’s a lot of good stuff that’s $10 to $15, and it’s stuff that’s available at a supermarket. A bottle of wine is about 6 beers in terms of alcohol content, so if you think of cost that way - it’s a decent rule of thumb. A pretty good bottle of wine is about the price of a good 6-pack. TBS: Are there varieties or styles of wine that are generally better at that lower price point? Blake: Certain wines are more expensive to produce. For example, you’re not going to get the same quality in a sub-$10 pinot noir that you will in a cabernet sauvignon because it’s more difficult to cultivate. Imports, like Argentinean wine or Chilean wine, with basics like chardonnay or cabernet, you can do well. TBS: How does region affect wine? Bryan: Typically people break down wines into “old world” wines and “new world wines.” Old world would be Europe, and new world wines are from everywhere else. New world wines tend to
be a little fruitier than old world wines and maybe are a little more approachable flavor-wise for a new drinker. TBS: How do a grape’s origins affect how the wine tastes? Blake: It has a huge effect on the grape. The same grapes grown in different countries—or even different microclimates—will taste different. Wine grapes can taste like a million different things. It’ll exhibit differences if grown in volcanic soil or a mountain valley. Malbecs are popular now, and it’s very easy to tell the differences between them. TBS: Anything to consider when pairing food with wine? Bryan: White wines with no oak and no sugar go really good with spicy food, like Thai or Mexican. Lighter reds are better with pork and turkey and ham. Darker reds are good with more robust meats like beef or lamb. I mean, going on Google and looking for wine pairings is really helpful. Blake: Wines made in certain styles are better with food as opposed to cocktailing. Wines with balance go better with food, while wines that have enhanced aspects are better standing on their own. Some big cabernets are fun to drink, but then you try it with food and it’ll be overpowering. Some zinfandels are very fruit-forward with high alcohol, they’ll be fun to cocktail with, but they won’t work well with food. TBS: What’s the best way to research wine? Blake: Talk to people who know more than you, but be careful. How are they presenting this information? They shouldn’t tell you what you should like, they should suggest based on the information you provide them. Bryan: Online information is pretty accurate; I trust a lot of the websites out there. TBS: What would you tell someone who claims they just don’t like wine? Blake: It’s an acquired taste, and those tastes change. I will eventually find something you like, there’s so many wines out there, there’s going to be one the person will enjoy. So, next time you think of pairing a forty of Olde English 800 with that Easy Mac and taco shell dinner, don’t. Grab a bottle of wine and be classy with your taco shell self. Be sure to check out the Windy Ciy Wine Festival in Grant Park, Chicago, on September 6th and 7th. For more information, check out windycitywinefestival.com.
Hi there and welcome to The Vice is Right! I’m your host, Brew Carey, here today with another exciting game for you, contestant. In front of you there are eight listed prices, each with two items beside the price. One of these items is good, something your parents would be happy to see you spend their money on. The other is the vice item, purchasing this would make them question why they’re paying for you to go to Brew U. Now here’s the tricky part, you have to guess which item’s price, according to Amazon, is actually listed. If you get them all right you’ll win a spot in our Bro-case Hoedown! Check your answers at the bottom of the page, and good luck on The Vice is Right!
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Pens • Condoms • Hard Drive • Ramen • TV • Detergent • Kiddie Pool • Underwear
Answer Key (Correct Item Listed):
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Chris Hardwick destined to
host everything By: Scotty G. When Breaking Bad returned on August 11 for its final season, it was followed by a new show called Talking Bad. Talking Bad is an after show, hosted by stand-up comedian Chris Hardwick, that analyzes and discusses the episode of Breaking Bad that just concluded. Fans of The Walking Dead will be familiar with another show called Talking Dead, which discusses Walking Dead episodes. It’s also hosted by Chris Hardwick. There’s also a new Comedy Central panel show starting this fall hosted by, you guessed it, Chris Hardwick. You might have noticed that there’s an inescapable trend happening here. To really bring this into focus, in 2005 Hardwick even hosted The Minstrel Show, a fake TV show on a fake network on a CD of the same name by hip-hop group Little Brother. Yes, Chris Hardwick is destined to host everything, so you better get used to it. This is how we see his future panning out.
Talking Newsroom For the next season of The Newsroom, Chris Hardwick will host an after show discussing Aaron Sorkin’s take on the news. Unlike other talk-back shows, Talking Newsroom won’t be aired until 9 months after each episode. The show will feature a panel of comedians and fans talking a mile a minute, recapping news stories that we just don’t care about anymore. Trust us, these events will spark just as much controversy the second time around. “What a great twist! Who knew they were gonna cover Trayvon Martin? Where do they come up with this stuff?”
Talking Up With The Kardashians In this hour-long post-show, Hardwick will walk us through all the ins and outs of the Kardashian saga, from every two-day marriage to every shopping spree at Barneys. It will feature special guest Bruce Jenner and no one else. Although he’s the scariest-looking one of the bunch (next to Khloe), he does seem like he’s the most laid back and fun to be around. Kardashian fans can delve into all the horrifically intrusive details of the story with their main men Bruce and Hardwick. Nothing deserves in-depth analysis like the epitome of vacuous entertainment. “Why would she marry him?” “Who does she think she is?” “I can’t believe they killed off that character so soon!”
Talking Talking Dead After the previous two shows have made their mark, everyone will want more of Mr. Chris. So he’ll expand on his base show, Talking Dead, and create its very own talk-back-talk-back show. On Talking Talking Dead, he’ll discuss the complex twists and turns that just went down on Talking Dead. This iterative fractal of a show of
a show will change the game in the land of cable TV forever. “That was so cool when they talked about that time when Glen took out that walker with a chair!” “My favorite part was when they had that special effects guy on the show to talk about bloody makeup.” “Sometimes I forget what we’re actually watching…”
Pillow Talking At the peak of his career, Hardwick will show up in your bed after you’ve had sex for some post-coital analysis. Special guests will include past hookups who are ready to examine how your sexual character arc has increased … or not. “Seemed like a bit of a slow episode. How many times do we have to watch the missionary position? The actors are giving it their all, but the writing is just repetitive.” “I found the dialogue lacking, Chris. There’s just no creativity. Sounds very familiar to me.” “Audiences have really responded vocally to the gentle hair pulling in the second act of the show. Twitter is blowing up with #PonytailFail. Definitely keep that up tomorrow night.” Before you know it, Chris Hardwick will be popping up everywhere, recapping the things you love and love to hate (hence the Kardashian series). He won’t stop until he gets enough. Set your DVR and brace yourself. The time has come to re-live your favorite shows with The Nerdist himself.
madlib
Meeting Your roommate’s parents
Well we tried to be responsible, but like most things at
___1___, drinking just sort of happened. We were only going to have a glass of ___2___ (on the rocks, of course), sit on the porch and listen to ___3___ and chat about ___4___’s weight gain, because GROSS.
and throw a party. Only ___13___ showed up, but that second keg was necessary. Hobo ___14___ showed up and he brought ___15___ for us. Tom from ___16___ came by and even did a ___17___-second keg stand! I got my ass kicked in ___18___ by ___19___, who ended up passing out on our couch.
But then we saw ___5___ walk by with a ___6___ in her hand, and she decided to sit down with us and have a drink. When we started to get tipsy, my roommate went inside to get ___7___ to sober us up… but came out with her ___8___ shot glasses she smuggled from ___9___ on her “___10___” study abroad trip and a bottle of ___11___ vodka.
Overall it was a very successful night, but when my roommate’s parents showed up, she wasn’t even here. Luckily they were chill with eating cold leftover pizza and sipping on last night’s leftover keg. Mr. ___20___ can sure put them back! When my roommate came back she reeked of ___21___ and looked like ___22___’s little sister. They then all left and went to the bar. Then ___23___ got it on in the kitchen! Such a ___24___ After that was killed, the next natural step was to get a keg of ___12___ time!
1: Your university 2: Liquor 3: 90s pop star 4: Recent celebrity 5: Wacky friend 6: Malt liquor 7: Type of lunch meat
8: Body part 9: Sketchy country 10: Overused synonym for good 11: Exotic fruit 12: Shitty beer 13: The current time
14: Average dude’s name 15: Drug 16: Local pizza place 17: Your birthday 18: Drinking game 19: Local athletic celebrity
20: Your roommate’s last name 21: Men’s cologne 22: Trashy celebrity 23: Same as #19 24: Same as #10
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