Illinois - Issue 1 - 1/23/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Vol. 24, Issue 1

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

1/22/14 - 1/29/14

STUDENTS USES SYLLABUS WEEK TO GET AHEAD BY: KITTY KAT For almost all college students, syllabus week is just an extended part of winter break that requires minimal attentiveness and brain activity. When students aren’t spacing out at their professors’ monotone coverage of the upcoming semester’s activities, they’re drinking heavily and napping like it’s required for their religion. However, for senior Claire Langhorn, syllabus week is an opportunity to get ahead in her classes and beat out fellow classmates in the dramatic dash toward the perfect GPA. As a communication major, Langhorn had a lot of free time freshman year, which was usually spent at frat houses, and Red Lion when she could snag her sorority sister’s ID. Her whole life was a syllabus week, but it caused her to take a turn for the worse. One Friday night, after a day of missing her 100-level intro classes and bonging Nattys in her dorm room, Langhorn blacked out and wound up on the front steps of her TA’s apartment complex. She was later found naked by authorities, serenading the TA with “Mambo No.5,” the Disney version, through his window. It was reported that even though she had her stomach pumped that morning at 3 a.m., she still went out the next night. “That was a low point for me, but I didn’t make a change until I had that dream,” Langhorn admitted, looking off into the distance. “I dreamt that my first semester RHET 105 teacher came to me, floating out of a sea of purple clouds, wearing nothing but khaki pants and a Muck Fichigan t-shirt. She told me it was time to step it up. And I knew she was right.” After much prying, Langhorn revealed her secret to such a stellar academic reputation. “My new, reinvented version of syllabus week. That’s the key,” she whispered. “Use that time to get ahead, not to get drunk or have fun with your friends. That can wait for the weekends. Or until you’re old and retired with nothing better left to do! That’s what I’m doing!” One of Langhorn’s fall semester professors was astounded at her alertness and inquisitive nature duringthe first week of classes. “No one has ever asked me a question about the syllabus before,” Professor Tom Marcy said, still in shock. “I went over my contact information, office hours, the class requirements and test schedule. And then at the end, I asked for questions but didn’t expect anyone to respond. I almost looked over her, sitting there in the front row. But her little hand shot up so fast. And the next thing I knew, I had been answering her questions

for over 15 minutes.” “She’s such a dweeb,” Langhorn’s classmate Steve Bush complained. “No one asks questions during syllabus week, I mean, come on. We would have been out of class 30 minutes early on the first day, but thanks to her, we stayed an extra three minutes. I have things to do, man. I don’t care about how we’re supposed to format our papers or what percent of our grades are iClicker points. Just shut up.” Another criticism of Langhorn’s persistent ways came from her sophomore year philosophy professor, Dr. Howard Cow. “Ugh, I just started giving her A’s so she’d stop interrupting my family’s dinner,” said Dr. Cow.

"One time I spent my entire office hours going over one of her recentlygraded papers. That night, she called me for additional clarification from the Main Stacks. I don’t even get cell phone reception in there; I think she was lying. I looked outside and a Honda Civic parked across the street shot out into the night.” Ever since her drastic turnaround, Langhorn has been on the Dean’s List every semester and has earned straight A’s, even in her advanced classes. She even reaffirmed her James Scholar status after losing it freshman year. “I was a little concerned with my upper-level communication hours,” Langhorn giggled. “But I didn’t let a little 400-level extra-advanced, super-interpersonal interview independent study stand in my way.” CONTINUED ON PAGE 19

PAGE 5 ABROAD STUDENT’S TRAVEL BLOG AWARDED PULITZER PRIZE

PAGE 9 STUDENT FRUSTRATED LINKEDIN STILL HASN'T FOUND HIM A DATE

PAGE 10 UIUC SMOKING BAN ACTUALLY ENDS TOBACCO USE ON CAMPUS

WORDPRESS SITE EXPLODES WITH VIEWS FROM MOM AND GRANDMA.

SAD AND WITHOUT LOVE, EVEN AFTER AN ENDORSEMENT FOR "FISTING."

MIRACULOUS IMPROVEMENT EVEN CATCHES OBAMA'S ATTENTION.

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Bestowing positive—but false— traits on one’s self as a means of improving one’s self-esteem. “Boy, am I a hard worker, or what!” Brian ornamentality thought to himself after he spent 8 hours watching Netflix while intermittently writing a 2-page discussion paper.

Dear Kitty Kat, I’m starting my last semester at U of I, and I can already feel the senioritis kicking in. The problem is that my grades aren’t the greatest and I still need to land a job after graduation. How do I stay focused these last few months?

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Thanks, Anxious Amy Dear Typical College Student, How do you stay focused? You don’t. Forget it. This is all you have left before pounding out 40+ hours a week for the rest of your life for some scrawny, needle-nosed boss with a bad comb-over. You gotta make the most of it. This semester, every Monday should be a trip to MNJ, every Friday should be an Unofficial. (And you seriously better not have any Friday classes, I mean, come on.) But you bring up a good point with the grades and the job thing. So I guess, ugh, if you need help, I can try. I suggest a buttload of coffee, for starters. And a few types of energy drinks. Take one or two days a week to get as much work done as possible and apply to all the businesses in the Chicagoland area. Just stay up all night and power through it. Put on your favorite Pandora station and strap yourself down to the couch until everything’s done. That leaves the rest of the week to sleep in, miss class, and drink to your heart’s content. Just have fun with it. You’re never going to have an opportunity like this again. While you’re at it, join our staff! That’ll add a little bit to your social calendar. You can’t be lame though. Big rule. Later, Kitty Kat

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Abroad Student’s Travel Blog Awarded Pulitzer for “International Reporting” BY: TEX MEX Cited by the 2013-2014 Pulitzer Prize Board for its “unparalleled attention to detail for worldly issues” and an “irrevocably fresh take on experimental journalism that would leave even Hunter S. Thompson’s mind blown,” junior Daniel Colins has received a Pulitzer Prize for his travel blog, “London Calling (for Daniel).” During his four months studying abroad in the UK, Colins’ WordPresspublished series of stories tackled important and controversial topics such as commenting on cultural differences between British and American McDonald’s restaurants, economic instability as the US dollar becomes more and more akin to cheap toilet paper, and how things in Europe are just “like, so, so different, you don’t even know.” “Colins is precisely what the world of journalism needed: a wake-up call,” commented Board Chair Paul C. Tash. “I remember stumbling upon his blog when it had just broken its 3-follower landmark, and the size-10 Helvetica stream-of-consciousness narrative reminded me of a young James Joyce. I read Colins’ now-infamous story on how his fish and chips were a little too dry and crispy for his taste, and I just thought, that’s it …he gets it. When no one else was bold enough, he just stepped up to the plate and said it. It was abrasive, and it was the sort of rebellious attitude in reporting that leaves me with a tear in my eye.” Colins’ blog started out as a small personal project when he became dissatisfied with the UK’s Netflix selection. However, once his story “Netflix in England Fucking Sucks” garnered the attention of his mother, the blog caught on like wildfire. Soon, Colins’ audience wasn’t just his mother anymore, but several of his aunts, uncles, and even his grandmother as well. With comments left by relatives such as, “hey buddy

looks like ur havin a blast!!!!!!!!!!” and “so proud!! we luv u and miss u very much baby :),” it was clear that Colins’ readership was hooked. “It really just came down to me, as a writer, struggling with my voice in an eternal struggle that tested both my agency and my consciousness,” remarked Colins in between coughing fits as he took multiple small drags from his cigarette. Once Colins’ mother addressed him in an email as “our little writer,” he began purchasing several packs of cigarettes a day in order to cope with the stress associated with his profession. “It’s just like, you can’t just write about how lame it is that you have to pay to use bathrooms in Europe, hit ‘Publish,’ and just be done. That shit eats away at you and never stops. When I finished my work on ‘A 30 Pence Poop,’ I developed a dependency on sleeping pills.” The Pulitzer Board has also recognized Colins’ for the “Feature Photography” category as well due to his “Pics from abroad” collection as well as selections from his Instagram account. Both collections—featuring blurry duplicates of random buildings, food, selfies, and synchronized group jump photos—left the Board absolutely speechless, with many of the members applauding the 8-megapixel quality and tasteful use of brown, blue, and pink filters to give the photos “that spark of human life you normally lose in a still.” One photo in particular of Colins at a pub drinking his first Guinness giving a “thumbs up” received a standing ovation when reviewed by the Board. “It was the perfect balance of counter-culturalism and the forced conformity of modern social constructs,” commented one member. “Colins

has flawlessly illustrated the unforgivably difficult of question of what exactly is the state of the contemporary human condition. His ‘thumbs up’ is the single biggest finger to the establishment that has ever been raised so defiantly. Plus, the foam on his Guinness was the perfect amount of froth.” Upon receiving his Pulitzer, Colins was awarded a fellowship from the University of Cambridge in order to begin the next installation of his coverage, reportedly focusing specifically on the realization and aftermath of learning that “Big Ben” actually refers to the clock, not the entire Parliament building. “To put it in layman’s terms, my mind is producing the truth at twohundred miles per hour, and I’m just trying to catch what I can using these fingers of God-given journalistic integrity that were bestowed upon me,” coughed Colins as he adjusted his sunglasses and took drags from all six cigarettes in his mouth. “I stand to represent the thousands of us travel bloggers out there who couldn’t find their voice. Anyone can say they’re ‘so blessed for these life-changing experiences’…but not everyone can feel it.”

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EX-UI Band Director Sentenced to Two Years on the Piccolo By Jupiter Stevens

Months after Robert Rumbelow was charged with stealing thousands of dollars worth of band instruments, the former University of Illinois Band Director was sentenced to two upcoming seasons on the piccolo. Rumbelow pleaded guilty to federal theft charges last Thursday and received his sentencing early this morning. “For the horrendous crimes against the university and marching bands nationwide, I hereby sentence you to two years of performance on the piccolo squad,” presiding judge Thomas J. Defanis said while giggling at the defendant. “This is a sad day for the United States justice system and everyone in the marching band community,” Rumbelow's attorney Chris Kridel told reporters outside the courtroom. “I guess I was a little shocked by the sentencing, but it does go along with the marching band code. Let me just say it's a victory for us that he didn't get the triangle or bassoon. Those are for the real criminals.” Courtroom reports say that Rumbelow seemed almost paralyzed as Judge Defanis read the former band director his sentencing. “He was just still,” one witness said. “It was almost impossible to recognize him without him flailing his arms around like a madman the whole time.” Rumbelow's sentence will begin next college football season, where he will be faced with a prolonged piccolo solo at the fifty-yard line prior to each band performance. “I don't deserve this,” Rumbelow cried after coming to following the court's decision. “You can't treat me like an animal!”

Student Still Seeking Ways to Make Suburban Express Relevant, Controversial Topic by Jupiter Stevens Friends say University of Illinois student Curtis Henson is still trying his best to make the Suburban Express bus company a relevant discussion topic in conversation. Henson told friends he was enraged when rumors about the crooked bus company began to leak last fall, but reports say the junior still won't let it go. “It's all he talks about,” roommate John Darge said. “I'm surprised he doesn't have one of those investigative bulletin boards with the yarn and shit, too.” According to reports, Henson had a local man locked in conversation at Starbucks on Green Street for more than 30 minutes. “He just wouldn't shut the fuck up,” the man said, denying to give us his name in case Henson would track him down to talk some more. “He just kept

going on and on, 'Did you see what they did now?!' God, what a prick.” Henson is a frequent poster to the UIUC Reddit page, where he often begins discussion threads about the company, then proceeds to accuse other users of being the bus company's president, Dennis Toeppen. “LOL HI DENNIS,” Henson often comments under his user name SUBexSUX93, believing the bus company's president to be behind each comment. “He really needs something else to talk about,” Darge said. “If he brings it up one more time, I might have to run him over with one of their buses. But then he'd say something like, 'Probably not the first time one of those things hit a student and got away with it!' or something. Ugh.”

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Administrator’s Leaked SnapChat Account Leads to Animal Porn Accusations (Again) STRAWBERRY SHORTCOCK WROTE THIS The Champaign-Urbana community is in uproar after recent reports have implicated a University of Illinois administrator in an animal porn scandal, again. Weeks after millions of Snapchat accounts had been leaked, investigative journalists working for The Black Sheep identified an administrator’s personal cell phone number on the list of leaked numbers. Seizing the opportunity, our team sent him or her (it’s a she) unlimited Snapchats of Cat Facts. In response, he or she (seriously, it’s a she) began to respond with pictures of cats in comprising positions. Things quickly snowballed out of control, and eventually The Black Sheep was forced to screenshot and report several inappropriate photos of the administrator engaged in gross sexual conduct with one or more of her animals (our favorite was the artsy shot of her teabagging a German shepherd). The University Police Department, in conjunction with the University Board of Trustees, PETA, and a woman named Sharron who runs a blog about her three cats— Cory, Topanga, and Shawn—are currently investigating that the unnamed administrator’s interest in animal porn may have informed her policy-making abilities and her interaction with students. “Frankly, I’m more than concerned. Had my daughter Gretchen gotten into Northwestern, I’m sure none of this would have happened there. Despicable,” said Greta Mullins of Joliet. “I knew a school so heavy on agriculture would result in one scandal or another. Personally, I’d like to see the entire animal science department expelled.” The most recent scandal is the second time in recent years that an administrator at the school has been involved in animal porn allegations. The first incident, which largely went unreported by media, involved the

former head of the College of Music, Professor Andrew Dennis, and a team of small gerbils. Some American culture scholars credit the incident for popularizing the Urban Dictionary page for “gerbiling.” Outrage has been loudly voiced on-campus as well. Students have been organizing on Facebook and Twitter to distance themselves from their school. A Facebook group called “Not My Kinda Pussy” has already received over 4,000 likes. The hashtags #BeastYourEyes, #IveSeenHerOnZootube and #WhyDoYouFuckAnimalsCantYouGetAManDamn have all been trending on Twitter for the past week. Engineering student Akash Singh tells us he also created a Google+ circle, whatever that is. “I’m sick and tired of our administrators fucking animals and taking all the fun out of life. Remember when they used to have a camel on the Quad? Not anymore. Fuck,” said senior in business Andre Jones, from Naperville. Most students find the idea of sexually exploiting a pet immoral. Freshman in LAS Tim Murphy said, “Eww, my dog humped a bean bag once, and his shriveled pink straw thing came out. I wanted to get rid of him after that, not lower myself onto him. Gross.” At least one new student organization, however, has defended the administrator’s actions. The group, known as “Love is Ruff!,” posted a statement on Facebook, vowing to “stand in solidarity with anyone who chooses to recognize interspecies romantic or sexual love.” The outcome of the investigation could have huge implications for the school, including heavy fines and public embarrassment. According to U

of I administrator Chuck McIntyre, “One of the only definitive outcomes from the investigation is that the university has made it quite clear that it’s not ready for an animal mascot. We had narrowed it down to a few, but given the school’s track record, I think it would look poorly on the school to associate itself too closely with animals in the future.” Although The Black Sheep is not at liberty to name the administrator in question, we urge you to look out for, say, any blog posts from high ranking administrators that tout “a total love for diversity,” because that love for diversity might mean something completely different than we thought. Something tells us, though, that we won’t actually be seeing any blog updates any time soon.

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Gained Weight Over Break? Here are Your Options BY: PATRICK FILBIN Coming back to school in January is tough for everyone, but coming to terms with the food and figure situation is especially hard. Back to PB&Js for two out of three meals a day because your mother is no longer within hollering distance for a sandwich order. Then there’s the weather, which sucks major balls. Heavy jackets, sweatpants, gloves and hats are to be expected around campus, but make sure to keep an eye out for that kid who keeps his jacket on in class, at the bar and every other place he goes. Want to know his secret? That guy is a closet fatass. That’s why this guy is wearing his coat everywhere and sweating like a caved-in Chilean miner. He’s ashamed of the pounds he put on back in Pontiac, and is now way too stubborn to embrace his new lovehandles, man tits, and beer belly. We’re here to help you tubs of lard with some tips on how to either shed the new weight or accept that you look way worse than you did 30 days ago. Hit the Gym: This is one of the only acceptable places to wear heavy clothing indoors; just tell everyone you’re on the wrestling team (make sure

you say it’s the club team, it’ll work better) and that you’ve got to get down to the next weight class by Tuesday, so it’s just the sweatbox and celery for you. Pile on the sweatpants, garbage bag, knee-high socks and long underwear. Run your fat ass around the track for a few minutes until you’re about to puke. Throw up. Hate yourself. This is all your fault, chubbs, you got yourself into this obese mess; now you gotta sweat your way out of it. Stop Eating Like a Gross Person: One of the most dangerous perks of being home is all the free meals. Mom and Dad wanna go out to the Olive Garden? Sure, let’s compound those carbs, motherfucker. Now your Christmas gift jeans are busting at the seams. After a few days back on campus, you’ll get back in the habit of the broke college kid routine. You’ll be eating like a poor, helpless twentysomething in no time. You might just wanna ride this wave out for a while. You’ll drop ten pounds or so pretty quick. Lower Your Standards… All of Them: Remember that chick you nabbed at Joe’s last semester? No one thinks you look more repulsive than she does, because she was like, an eight and now you can wear a bra two sizes bigger than her, Double-D Doug. Time to start fishing for threes and fours, but

you won’t be getting many of them either. If you need to get laid go visit a friend at ISU a scant 45 minutes away. To those girls, you’re a new guy with a modicum of intellect who is only staying for the weekend, so the appeal of a one-night stand is much greater.

of friends needs its John Candy or Chris Farley. The most important thing to remember is that it’s what is on the inside that counts, not the outside. Hahaha, no, wait, that was a lie. Skinny people rule the world.

Still Fat? Rock That Shit: Listen, no one likes gaining weight unless you’re Christian Bale after The Machinist. But one thing you could do is really rock the hell out of being fat and realize that every group

Another option would be to create a time machine and go back in time and zip your piehole shut. But it’s too late for that. So you better embrace your chub or let it fly.

THE

TOP

TEN

PEOPLE WHO WILL REGAIN OUR TRUST BEFORE JAY CUTLER’S CONTRACT ENDS

BY: SAMMIE SEA The New Year came with a new shock as Chicagoans were struck with the announcement that Bears quarterback Jay Cutler would remain with the team for seven long years. Though he’s only guaranteed three years, it’s an eternity for Chicago football fans who have wallowed in his injury-prone ways for the past five seasons. In fact, the next three seasons will be so long that the top ten people who royally screwed us over will redeem our trust before Cutler leaves the Windy City. 10.) Anthony (likes to show his) Weiner: Fool us once, shame on us. Fool us twice and … dude, you have a problem with sending out pictures of your one-eyed trouser snake. While we’re not beyond sexting, a dick pic without warning is just unnerving, especially on Twitter. Unless you’re Ryan Gosling, keep it in your pants, Carlos Danger.

Student Frustrated That

LinkedIn Still Hasn’t Found Him a Date

9.) Steve Bartman: On October 14, 2003, Bartman’s simple snatch of a foul ball shattered the hearts of millions as the chance at a World Series run slipped out of reach for the Chicago Cubs. Ten years later, we berate his perpetuation of the Curse of the Billy Goat and may only forgive him once the Cubs snag the World Series. In other words, not anytime soon… 8.) Paula Deen: A cup of sugar, three sticks of butter, and just a sprinkle of racism. The Queen of Southern Cooking may have grown up in a different time, but hearing her bigoted comments is like hearing them from your grandmother: You want to forgive her, but she left an offensive scar on your heart that no amount of fatty food can fix.

BY: SCOTTY G This past semester a junior chemistry major named Leon Stewart spent all his time perfecting his LinkedIn account. But he wasn’t spending it beefing up his work experience, cropping down his profile picture, or rounding out his network. One glance at Stewart’s profile and one would quickly discover that he thought it was a dating website. A weird, perverted dating site. “Well, I wasn’t having the best of luck with the ladies. It seemed like they all wanted Twizzlers, and I was just a Red Vine. I came across this statistic that said nowadays 20% of couples first meet online. And I figured it was worth giving it a shot because I had pretty much run out of options in the real world,” Stewart confessed. “I was on eHarmony, OkCupid, JDate, ChristianMingle, AmishCrush, BlackPeopleMeet — you name it and I was on it. I had my tentacles in all the digital ponds, grasping for that one fish in the sea.” However, Stewart remained unsuccessful on these sites as well, being matched only with his recently widowed mother, which was obviously out of the question. “When I heard about LinkedIn I didn’t have much hope left. I checked it out and saw everyone just posted pictures of themselves and info about where they live, where they went to school, what they do for a living. You know, all the usual starter questions for a dating profile. I figured I’d give it one last chance.” Shortly after Stewart’s profile was created, there was a confused and disgusted response from many of his classmates. One of his connections, sophomore psychology major Tim Clark said, “Leon’s profile picture was a shirtless selfie of him licking a candy cane. I thought that was weird, but then I started reading. Under ‘Expe-

rience’, he wrote a list of girl’s names followed by detailed descriptions of appearance and how far he’d gone with them. It was a bit too much for me.” Another friend of Stewart, fellow chemistry major Laura Bone, was also appalled at his profile. “In the ‘Education’ category, he credited The Pickup Artist, 50 Shades of Grey, and his MCB 244: Human Anatomy & Physiology class. Under ‘Skills & Expertise’ he listed winking, drinking, candle-lit romancing, salsa dancing, salsa dipping, skinny dipping, skinny double-dipping, salsa doubledipping, strong hands, gentle hands, hands-free ;), listening, glistening, Christening, 2nd base, 3rd base, stealing 3rd base, 3rd base via error/ fielder’s choice, and sacrifice fly. I don’t think he really gets it.” Stewart’s ex-girlfriend and English major Michelle Thompson was contacted with an odd request, “He wanted me to go on LinkedIn and verify that he was skilled in foot massages. I thought it was really strange that he wanted my endorsement. What a weirdo. But I guess that means he’s been thinking about me ... and all the great times we had as a couple ... Oh my god, do you think he’d get back together with me?!” Stewart’s one night stand from freshman year, Hillary Pauls, plainly stated the surprising request she received after Stewart activated his profile. “He wanted me to endorse him for fisting. And no, I didn’t do it.” While Leon Stewart has continued to struggle with his romantic life, he has managed quite a bit of success in the job market. Recruiters around the country have extended job offers his way, noting his exceptionally confident profile and extensive skill set.

7.) Tim Beckman: After being burned with a losing streak by Zook back in 2011, the Illini foolishly accepted Beckman as our football savior only to have him sink us further into Big Ten humiliation. Is our lack of a student section really a surprise after a 20-game Big Ten losing streak? 6.) Bill Clinton: We’re not angry with Slick Willy because he lied to the American public. We’re just upset that he broke Article 81 of the Bro Code: What happens between bros stays between bros. We definitely wouldn’t have ratted him out, but he decided to put the hoe before his bros. 5.) The Daily Illini: Each year, freshmen are duped into trusting our “accredited” school newspaper, learning to accept heinous grammatical mistakes and sub-par persuasion tactics. If we need someone to blame for plummeting RHET 105 grades, we don’t have to look any further than the DI. 4.) Amanda Bynes: There’s nothing like a public meltdown by a beloved childhood actress to make you question the innocence of your youth. Considering we haven’t heard from Ms. Bynes in months, the hot-button question still burns: Is Drake hot or not? 3.) The Frat Guy Who You Thought Was Different: Maybe shacking after multiple rounds of tequila was just asking for trouble, but we believe you when you say he wasn't like the other guys. He just has a lot going on right now, so his 3 a.m. calls really aren’t that shady. 2.) Fox News: These guys could write the book on ignoring journalistic ethics. Their right-wing agenda spouts painfully biased “news segments” and gives people like Bill O’Reilly the opportunity to confuse the American public with bogus claims. 1.) Jay Cutler: Because he's the quarterback Chicago deserves, but not the one it needs right now. Or in seven years.

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UIUC SMOKING BAN ACTUALLY ENDS TOBACCO USE ON CAMPUS BY: BRIAN BARSOTTI On January 1, 2014, smoking officially became prohibited on all campus property in the University of Illinois. With winter break over and students again using their time semi-productively, many have come back to a campus with significantly cleaner and more breathable air. The decision to make a smoke-free campus came about because, as one trustee put it, ”Of how fucking awful smoke smells.” Biology student Paul Thorne explained the key proponent of the ban: “The reason why U of I chose to ban smoking is the same as the reason for all other smoking bans. It’s not because we wanted the campus to have a more positive and healthy image, or because we care about the well-being of smokers, or because of health concerns about secondhand smoke exposure. It was because smoke smells like ass.” Of course, the ban has several critics. Some say it’s a gross intrusion upon students’ God-given freedom to poison themselves slowly. Furthermore, the ban discourages students who smoke from enrolling at the university. But these fears have since

been assuaged, as, almost by miracle, the smoking ban has eliminated tobacco use by all students. Administrators are reporting a shocking 100% compliance with the school law.

them, and my lip doesn’t look like I had an allergic reaction to a funky type of cheese. It’s been great.”

“At first, I thought the smoking ban would be a huge pain in the ass,” says one former smoker who asked to remain anonymous. “I hated the idea of finding special places where I’d be allowed to smoke. It seemed stupid and childish. So then I decided it might be easier to just quit, you know? I went cold turkey. And to my surprise, it wasn’t all that hard. No withdrawals or nothin’. I haven’t craved a cigarette in weeks. So thank you for the smoking ban, U of I!”

Some students haven’t had it so easy. Robert Beverly, a smoker since 15, had a much more difficult time quitting. “When I got back on campus, I was all, ‘fuck that shit,’ I’m gonna do what I want,'” noted the privileged suburban male. “But as soon as I stepped on the corner of Green and Wright this…this feeling came over me. It was like that camaraderie you feel after pounding a dozen beers with a bro you might not get along with—you realize he’s not your bro, but he’s a bro, so you gotta be bros. I still get the itch, but I realize now we’re all bros here.”

”I never even tried a cigarette before so when I heard about the ban, I wasn’t really concerned,” says long-time chewing tobacco user Cliff Penn. “But when I came back to campus last week, I don’t know, something just came over me. I threw out my tin, and I haven’t looked back since. My breath is fresher, I actually drink out of Gatorade bottles now instead of just spit in

Even President Barack Obama has been watching this incredible phenomenon unfold in Champaign-Urbana. As a former smoker, the president continued to smoke until smoke-free zones simply became too great an inconvenience. And as a result of U of I’s astoundingly successful smoking ban, President Obama has grown convinced that enacting a nation-wide

smoking ban would be the best way to address our country’s tobacco problem. “It may be politically unpopular, yes, but it’s the right thing to do,” President Obama

announced in a press conference last Friday. “After all, people behave according to the values set forth by their government and its laws, so you better do what I say, bitches.”

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

Fishbowls Are Back! Featuring UV Flavored Vodka $11 64oz Fishbowls, $6 32oz Pitchers

Thursday Night's Show KELLER WILLIAMS & MORE THAN A LITTLE

THURSDAYS! $2 WELLS & Hot Stuff $3 Jager & Vegas Bombs $3 ICE BOMB 16oz DRINK!

SATURDAY: Decadents w/ Ferris $5, 10pm

Wednesday 1/22

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

GLOW & FLOW Wednesdays EDM and Dance Music spun by your favorite campus DJs! Come dressed to glow under the blacklight!

$2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Wells

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Thursday 1/23

$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers

KELLER WILLIAMS & MORE THAN A LITTLE

$2 WELLS & Hot Stuff $3 Jager & Vegas Bombs $3 ICE BOMB 16oz DRINK!

Blackmage, FREE, 10pm w/ A. Renegade, T.R.U.T.H., and DJ Wesjile

Friday 1/24

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

BACK TO SCHOOL DANCE PARTY

Fridays are the SHIrT! Happy Hour Food Specials 5pm-9pm Get a Different Cly's Shirt Every Week! $3 Monster Mash Ups, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Bud Light Tallboys

DJ Wesjile/DJ Kow, 10pm No Cover Before 11pm!

Saturday 1/25

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

Bassment Party with GLADIATOR & REGULATORS with DJ MELLOW and AUTOSTEP

$3 Jim Beam $3 Three Olives Vodka $3 Cuervo Shots $3 Rum Chata Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles

Decadents w/ Ferris $5, 10pm

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho

Sunday 1/26

Closed

CLOSED

Book your Next Party at Clybourne! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Monday 1/27

Mason Jar Monday $2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY $1 Drink Specials! $2 Manolos Pizza specials! Live local bands each week!

$1 U CALL ITS $2 Voli Premium Vodka

Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com

Tuesday 1/28

$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week

$2 Real Long Islands! CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE - Early! Live comedy from some of CU's funniest! THE PIANO MAN - Late! Playing all your favorites!

$8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

Wednesday 1/29

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

GLOW & FLOW Wednesdays EDM and Dance Music spun by your favorite campus DJs! Come dressed to glow under the blacklight!

$2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Wells

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page! The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 DOWNTOWN

SPECIAL NIGHT

MONDAY! HALF PRICE APPETIZERS INCLUDES WINGS 4-10pm $3 Any Import/Craft Beer $1 BUD DRAFTS, $12 Bud Hydrants, $2 Long Islands

EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas

THURSDAY AND FRIDAY The last two nights of The Great Cover Up! Benefiting Local Charities

Every Wednesday! $2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball

FRI/SAT: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Wednesday 1/22

HAWKS vs RED WINGS 7pm $1 Specialty SHOTS Bud Mug Night! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug! $3.99 BUFFALO CHICKEN 4-10pm, $4 Monster Long Islands in the Mug!

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball

GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

Thursday 1/23

ILLINI vs OHIO ST 6pm HAWKS vs WILD 7pm $5 WRAPS 4pm-10pm $2 WELLS, HALF PRICE WHISKEY! $3 Jack, Makers & Jameson

$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada

GREAT COVER UP #23-D, 7:30pm - 11pm Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach

$2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Captain $2 Jager Bombs

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Friday 1/24

FAC Fridays! $3.99 Haus Fries, $2 Redds Drafts, $6 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan $3 Vegas Bombs

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs

GREAT COVER UP #23-E, 7pm - 11pm DJ Delayney at 11pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID

$6 Shandy Pitchers (Orange, Lemon Berry, Summer) $3 Jim Beam, $3 Pinnacle

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Saturday 1/25

Winter X-Games! $3.99 Pretzel Bites, $3 Jameson $3 Three Olives Vodka $3 Rumple/Goldschlager $4 Jager Bombs

Catch all the games here!

De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola

$6 Lunchbox Pitchers $3 Bacardi $3 American Harvest

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Sunday 1/26

ILLINI vs INDIANA 2pm Blackhawks vs Jets 6pm Win Hawks Tickets! $2 ANYTHING! Every Liquor, Every Beer $2! $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings!

NFL SUNDAY TICKET! $5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Sunday Funday! $11 Build Your Own Bucket (BYOB), $2 Jager Bombs $2 Don Q and Blackbeard

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday 1/27

HALF PRICE APPETIZERS INCLUDES WINGS 4-10pm $3 Any Import/Craft Beer $1 BUD DRAFTS, $12 Bud Hydrants, $2 Long Islands

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

MNJ! $2 Bud Platinum Bottles $2 Smirnoff Drinks/Shots $3 RBV with Smirnoff

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Tuesday 1/28

Blackhawks vs Flames 8:30pm $2.99 CHEESEBURGER 4-10pm, $2 WELLS & Hot Stuff, $3 SOCO HURRICANES, HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS (Three Sharkbowl Flavors) $6 BUD LIGHT PITCHERS

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Tequila Tuesday and 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moon $2 Cuervo featuring Cinge

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Wednesday 1/29

Blackhawks vs Canucks 9:30pm This Game is NOT On Local TV! $1 Specialty SHOTS, Bud Mug Night! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug! $3.99 BUFFALO CHICKEN 4-10pm

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball

GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

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KAM'S Watch Home & Away ILLINI BASKETBALL! Free Shuttle to Home Games! $2 16oz Lite & Coors Lt Bottle Cans, $6 Pitchers, $3 UV Blue Guys, Shoot to Win Tickets & T-shirts

The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3 Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $3.50 All Imports and Specialty Beers, $2 All Well Drinks

SUNDAY! Trivia Starts @ 9pm! $2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Orchata and Dr McGillicuddy, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb

THURSDAY! SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles

EVERY DAY! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes

SPECIAL NIGHT

Logo Mug Night! Lagunitas

$2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs

BUCKET NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers, $4 Jim Beam Buckets, $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets, $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets, $2 Rum Chata Shots

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Wednesday 1/22

Platinum Wednesdays! $2 Platinum & Black Crown & Shock Top Bottles, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles $3 3 Olives Vodka Drinks, $4 Blue Guys, $2 Cuervo Shots, $2 Rumchata Shots, $3 Cereal Shots

$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

KLUB KAM’S THURSDAY’S! Club DJ’s Spin the Night! $2 UV Drinks, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Hot Stuff Shots, $3 Captain Morgan, $5 KamsIslands, $2 Lite/Coors Lt Bottles & Drafts $6 Pitchers, DJ 3xceed/Critical Condition!

Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $3.50 All Imports and Specialty Beers, $2 All Well Drinks

$2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints, $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Bacardi and Malibu Singles, $5 Jameson Doubles, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb

SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles

Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime

Thursday 1/23

Throwback Happy Hour! House DJ’s Playing 80’s & 90’s Jams (3-10pm), DJ Delicato Spinning at 10pm! $1.75 16oz Lite Cans & Coors Banquet Bottles, $6.00 Pitchers & Lunch Boxes, $3 Pinnacle Blue Guys, $3 Jim Beam & Red Stag, $3 Cinnabon & Chata Shots

BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge

$3 Sam Adams Family Pints $2.50 Wild Turkey Singles $5 Skyy Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo and Blackbeard Shots, $4 Jager Bombs

OPEN AT 5pm! $1 FATTY NATTY’S, $1 BURNETT’S WHIPPED VODKA $3 Jim Beam, $3 Jager Bombs $3 ILLINI Long Islands

$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it

Friday 1/24

SOLO CUP SATURDAY! No Cover Charge

$2.50 Jameson Singles $5 Bacardi and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots $4 Jager Bombs

$3 Captain Morgan $3 Three Olives Bombs $3 Rum Chata Shots $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Cuervo Shots

$2 U Call It $4 Pitchers

Saturday 1/25

$2 U CALL IT (Domestic, Craft & Import Bottles, Domestic & Craft Drafts, Well Drinks & Shots) $5 Pitchers

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

Trivia Starts @ 9pm! $2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Orchata and Dr McGillicuddy, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb

Book your next party at Red Lion! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Closed Eeat some chicken strips at Papa D's!

Sunday 1/26

$2 U CALL IT (Domestic, Craft & Import Bottles, Domestic & Craft Drafts, Well Drinks & Shots) $5 Pitchers

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports

Bar Bingo Starts @ 9pm $3 Blue Moon and Angry Orchard Pints, $2.50 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Singles, $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots

Monday Night Lion! $1 WELLS, $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS, $2 SAILOR JERRY $3 MEV’S – MONSTER VODKA’S

$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)

Monday 1/27

Country Night! $1 Coors & Coors Lt. Bottles, $1 Coors Lt. Drafts, $1.50 Bourbons $3 Blue Guys, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots, $3 Redds & Fireball or Rootbeer Beers, Win Tickets to Darius Rucker! 1st 200 thru door get Boot Glass

$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

$4 Guinness, Smithwicks and Triptych Pints, $2.50 Blackbeard Rum and Jim Beam Singles, $2.50 Fireball and Orchata, $2 Old Style, PBR, Schlitz, Miller Lite Tall Boys

$2 Long Islands $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 Hot Stuff Shots

$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)

Tuesday 1/28

BUCKET NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers, $4 Jim Beam Buckets, $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets, $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets, $2 Rum Chata Shots

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Wednesday 1/29

Bud & Rock Events, Spinning DJ’s 10pm, $2 22oz Bud/Bud Lt./Rolling Rock Drafts, $4 UV Blue Guys, $3 Wells, $2 Jager Shots & Bombs, DJ Spydey Spinning Live, Blackhawk Legends Lounge Ticket Giveaway: 1/25-2/22

Platinum Wednesdays! $2 Platinum & Black Crown & Shock Top Bottles, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles $3 3 Olives Vodka Drinks, $4 Blue Guys, $2 Cuervo Shots, $2 Rumchata Shots, $3 Cereal Shots

Logo Mug Night! Miller Lite

$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs

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AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT WOULD A REALITY TV SHOW STARRING YOU BE CALLED? Sam, Senior

"Would You Like Fries With That?"

r Kate, Senio

"True Life: I’m a Ginger"

ior Alanna, Sen

"Shopping Addict: Lululemon Edition"

BARTENDERS of the WEEK

BRIDGET of Murphy's

Relationship Status: Goin’ steady! Major: Landscape Architecture Favorite Drink: Whiskey and Faygo Favorite Shot: Car bomb Disgusting Drink: Cement mixer What subculture are you secretly infatuated with?: The Juggalos Invent a holiday. What would it celebrate?: Tupac’s Birthday Why do birds fall in love?: ‘Cause they’re not whores like the squirrels on campus. Vaguely threaten your worst enemy: I’mma give you a swirly. What element on the periodic table best describes you?: Whatever beer is made of. What’s the last lie you told?: I’m the best bartender at Murphy’s. Are you always this insufferable?: Only after C-Street Sundays. Bunch of teases… Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It has the most patient staff.

DRINKING GAME

DYLAN of Legends

Relationship Status: Taken Major: English/Creative writing/unemployment Favorite Drink: Whiskey Favorite Shot: More Whiskey Disgusting Drink: Water What subculture are you secretly infatuated with?: Competitive sub sandwich making. Invent a holiday. What would it celebrate?: National Do Peyote In the Desert Day Why do birds fall in love?: I dunno. Look it up on Wikipedia. Vaguely threaten your worst enemy: Stop being sad, Danny. What element on the periodic table best describes you and why?: Unobtainium. It’s from Avatar and the only one I can think of. What’s the last lie you told?: I’m writing this sober. Are you always this insufferable?: Are you always this presumptuous? Why should people read The Black Sheep?: I’m not a part of your system, you can’t buy me out like that.

RECIPE for DISASTER

Week WordSyllabus Calisthenics

Deep Fried Oreos

It's Words the start are what of a new make semester, this world, andeven everyone whenknows they’reyou slurred. haven’t Without done them, shit allaweek. hammer Whywould start now? literYou're to do shit alla…it’d semester, so kick it offelse. the right withwordplay, this Syllabus Week ally notnot begoing a hammer, it’d be be something Workway on your with beer!Drinking Game. This requires bringing booze to class, so play smart. What You’ll Need: Beer, a creative mind. NO ACCOUNTING MAJORS ALLOWED. What You’ll Need: Booze. A lot of it. Number of Players: 2 Number of Players: Only one. flying asolo this time.to blowing them up into wordsmithLevel of Intoxication: You’ll goYou're from being wordsmith Level ereens.of Intoxication: Piss-your-pants-and-wake-up-at-Silver-Bullet drunk.

It’s a few weeks into the new year, and you know damn well that this means that “get fit” resolution is knee-deep in assorted chocolates and sweets that your grandma purposely gave you just to totally screw you over. Luckily, deep frying is always the best answer for shameful weight frustration.

- You purchased the wrong edition of the How How to to Play: Play: textbook. Take -Beginone by drink havingwhen: one player say a 3-letter word. For example, “cat.” --The You other missed that class purpose. player muston then name another 3-letter word that begins with the last letter of the -previous You lookword. like an idiot trying “cat” to find the right For example, becomes “tap.”Finish your drink when: - Youwith ask athe stupid andprevious the roomword, falls room/building. -If a player names a word that both begins and ends last question letter of the -then Youthe have to expands look at abymap to figure out ifsilent. word 1 letter. For example, “cat” becomes “tot,” then the next word must - You look at your syllabus and find out you where to go.long and begin with “t.” be 4 letters haveof tothe drop $400 on books. -This continues until one player cannot name a word appropriate length. Take two drinks when: The professor actually teachesnouns a lesson -No shortened words (“tat” for “tattoo,” for example), abbreviations or proper areand al-lowed. You realize you've been in the wrong class expects you to take notes. half-way through lecture. - You get out of class 15 minutes early. -Words cannot bethe repeated. --Drink You realize to participate discuseach you timehave a player expands ainword by a letter. Game Ends When: You drop out of school. sion sections. -Drink each time someone tries to use a word that has already been said. --Drink You see there area three midterms, each time vulgarity is used.six essays Oops. and a term paper. -The YouGame realizeEnds thatWhen: girl youThe pathetically hit fox on jumps It might not lazy end dog. well, Duh. but it'll be fun while it quick brown over the at the bar last night is sitting next to you.. lasted! And hey, who plans for their future anyways? Have another!

Let’s Get Baked: - Mash up that biscuit mix with the eggs, milk, and the 3 teaspoons of oil until it’s as smooth as your roommate’s reaction after walking in on him “exploring” himself. - Preheat your deep fryer/pan to about 375° Fahrenheit, or Celsius if you’re feeling a little adventurous.* - Put the Oreos in the batter and soak those suckers up until you can smell the impending dissatisfaction. - Carefully toss the Oreos into the deep fryer/pan. - Once the Oreos are brown on one side, flip them over so the other side gets some action. - Scoop out the Oreos once they’re fried/burnt to your liking and let them cool/drain on a paper towel before shovin’ them in your mouth.

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What You’ll Need: A bag of Oreos, 2 cups of biscuit mix, 2 eggs, 1.5 cups of milk (whole milk, don’t be a pussy), 3 teaspoons of oil, and enough vegetable oil to deep fry a small animal. Cook Time: About 10 minutes Fatty Factor: See: “deep fried.”

It’s probably best to prep this one before you go out for the night. The Black Sheep has only played with a deep fryer once, and that’s all we can really say legally. *Seriously, don’t do that. We think your face looks better when it doesn’t have searing, explosive grease all over it.

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BREW REVIEW LEINENKGEL’S SNOWDRIFT VANILLA PORTER GRADE: A WRITTEN BY: KITTY KAT

After the fall semester of shot taking and cheap beer bonging, the winter break at home seems much more … mild. It’s just not the same to toss back a bottle of Fireball alone in your basement while your little brothers play LEGOs upstairs. That’s why we all usually shift over to bottled craft beers for family Christmas parties and nights in with the boys. And we found one brew that we were particularly fond of. You’ve had an Orange Shandy and maybe a Berry Weiss or two, but we’re focusing on Leinenkugel’s seasonal Snowdrift Vanilla Porter. Smells Like: Somethin’ dark and tasty. Tastes Like: Chocolate, coffee and caramel all swirled together in a delicious ribbon of beer, with a light vanilla aftertaste. Typical Drinkers: People who think Guinness is “too heavy” for them, girls who claim to be craft beer aficionados (ahem), anyone who likes vanilla things, people who live in Minnesota cabins, and anyone sitting by a crackling fireplace User Comments: “Wait, where’s the vanilla? Oh, there it is.”

“It doesn’t taste like snow at all…” “This will definitely hold me over until Summer Shandy comes back.” Best Described as a Haiku: A cold winter night Frothy, white snow at my feet Smooth brew at my lips What Your Mom Would Say if She Saw You Drinking This: “Ooo, I don’t know about that. I think that might be a little too much for me. Want a sip of my Mike’s Hard instead?” You’ll Like This if You Like: Trying something new and getting drunk off of it! Or if you like looking classy and composed while your mouth is exploding with delicious malty flavors and sweet, sweet chocolate-y hops. Food Pairing Suggestion: Basically anything with chocolate or espresso flavors (maybe a piece of biscotti, too?). Maybe drink it with some type of smoked or barbecued meat. Meat and beer always work together. Best Mixer: Uh, it’s beer. You don’t mix it.

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WESTON RESIDENT GOES INTO SHOCK

AFTER NOT WEARING FLIP-FLOPS IN SHOWER BY: DAN MIRABELLI Earlier this week Jack Kegerson went into shock after entering a Weston dormitory shower stall without flipflops. Although Kegerson has begun to recover, he continues to experience nightmares and flashbacks since the traumatic event. Kegerson was rushed to the Carle Foundation Hospital immediately after he fainted in the showers. He was found by a custodian. Doctors have come to the conclusion that Kegerson is suffering from an Acute Stress Reaction, a condition that has never been found to occur due to unprotected showering—what some would call a minor accident. “I had been showering for around five minutes when I bent down to wash my feet, and that’s when I realized what had happened. I clutched the walls of the stall and tried to stay upright, but thoughts of people peeing and masturbating in the showers weakened me. The last thing I remember was seeing a pube near the drain, and then I blacked out,” stammered Kegerson. Psychiatrist Dr. Kelly Rodriguez explained the reason for Kegerson’s mishap. “After a month home for winter break, Jack grew accustomed to a clean environment, one free of stray pubes and strangers’ semen. When he returned back to school and continued his hygiene routine, he had completely forgotten about the flip-

flop rule, bringing him to where we stand today.” Kegerson is unable to enter the Weston bathrooms without going into convulsions and uncontrollably shouting “Jizz on the tiles! Jizz on the tiles!” Kegerson has begun taking sponge baths in his room, and his roommate Brendon Roberts has not been happy with this turn of events. “It’s disgusting. He sits in this 50-gallon storage bin, and scrubs away with zero shame. Sometimes he even asks me to help him out by getting his back. Plus he’s too scared to go into the bathrooms, so I have to clean out the damn bin for him. If this doesn’t end soon, I’m moving out,” Roberts said angrily. However, experts say that the Acute Stress Reaction can last up to a month, and it is entirely possible that it could develop into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This means that Kegerson’s roommate may be forced to endure giving sponge baths for the entire semester, which is a fate that most would not wish upon their greatest enemies. Although his roommate has been less than sympathetic to Kegerson’s affliction, his floormates have noticed the change in Kegerson, and many are quite worried for his well-being. “Jack used to be so funny and full of life. Now I see him in the hallways and he has this empty look in his eyes. It’s almost too much

for me to handle,” Megan Deshacker said through tears. Kegerson has devoted much of his life to community service and has begun organizing a group to help fight the dirtiness of dorm bathrooms at the university. He has not released an official statement on the specific ways his group will help the community, but he has been heavily promoting the group throughout campus. While some consider his pamphlets on the spread of STD’s and accidental insemination from

toilet seats as fear mongering, many have offered their support to Kegerson’s cause. There is a long road of recovery ahead of Kegerson, and it will not be easy for him to return to his former self. However, there is always hope, the night is always darkest before the dawn, and even we over here at The Black Sheep are rooting for you Kegerson. Next time you need more disinfecting solution for your sponge bath, it’ll be on us.

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CONTINUED FROM THE COVER Langhorn plans to keep up her successful ways this spring semester, the last one of her college career. She has already ordered and read the first chapter of each textbook for each class. ”Oh, this is gonna be an awesome end to the year. I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about what’s going to be on the midterms.” And as for syllabus week, Langhorn already has her time completely scheduled out. “On Monday, I have three classes from 9 a.m. to noon, which gives me the whole rest of the day to get a jump on everything. I’ll probably stay at the UGL for a while and make sure I understand the grading scales and add my professors’ contact information into my phone’s speed dials in case of an academic emergency. The rest of the week will pretty much be the same—a lot of library time and flashcard making,” she explained giddily. Langhorn seems to have it all: a stellar repertoire of grades, little to no social life to distract her from her studies, and a fully-intact new virginity vow. She even dropped her sorority to focus more on school. “Oh my, that place was a disaster waiting to happen. The girls were cool, I guess. But it was like a virus, sucking the life out of me and bringing me down. I have to admit though that I still rush each semester, just for the first weekend though. It gives me just enough time to tour the houses and try to snag any study guides and previous exams I can find in the house’s course files.” However, we learned it’s not always peaches and cream for Langhorn when she told us a story from last year. “I walked into this class, and the professor was like, an obvious hippie. He said he didn’t prepare a syllabus because he wanted us to learn in a Socratic, non-structured environment. Thank god it was one of those 3-hour classes that only meet once a week, because me and the rest of the class sat there and made him put one together in front of the class. I thought, ‘Hey buddy, just because you don’t want to do your homework doesn’t mean I don’t want to do mine’.” Regardless of the difficulties she has experienced, her family is thrilled with her performance at U of I. “We are beyond proud of her,” Langhorn’s mother Sherry said, gushing. “It’s such a turnaround from her first year. She’s grown into such an intelligent and attractive—well just intelligent—young lady. I can’t wait to see where she goes in life.” As a senior, the communication senior has never held a job, even part-time, out of fear for losing out on any precious minutes of studying time. However, the future looks bright for Langhorn and her empty resume because, as Langhorn puts it, “everyone will always need to communicate.” Right you are, Claire.

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THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS

THE CEREMONIES BY: BRENDAN

“We don’t tend to look at [The Ceremonies] as a band, but instead as

Do you have a sibling? Sure you do. Do you fight like two cats in a wet burlap sack? Duh. Well then, you’ll be shocked to know The Ceremonies—Matt, Michael and Mark—are brothers. In a band. And they’re all alive. That is, unless the fourth brother, Mitch, is buried somewhere. The California trio was nice enough to talk to us about their self-titled EP and upcoming tour, coming soon to a large metropolis near you.

fine art.”

The Black Sheep: How long have you three been playing music together? Matthew Cook: We began playing acoustically—not as an official band—at the start of high school. We were doing a lot of cover songs, playing for fun at local charities and gigs. We started playing officially—as a band—a couple of years later. TBS: Who proposed turning this into a real project? Matthew: I always had bands growing up, and my brothers Mark and Michael would fill in when we had absent band members. As they were finishing high school I was beginning college, and I had some songs written that I wanted to put together. All of a sudden it occurred to us that we had a band right in front of us, and we had never acted on it. TBS: So who decided the roles within the band? Matthew: Since I write the music, I know who is doing what from the get-go. I’ll think in my head, “Mike can do this, and Mark can do this,” but I also think about who can best do what on stage. We don’t have set parameters with who plays what. TBS: How would you describe yourself as a group? Matthew: Sonically, it’s a conglomeration of 80s Manchester new wave instrumentation and arrangement combined with a 60s traditional vocal harmonies with contemporary feel. That’s how we think of The Ceremonies sonically, but we don’t tend to look at it as a band, but instead as fine art. TBS: What do you mean it’s more fine art? Matthew: We think that the notion of a “band” is pigeonholing—that these are artists who sing and dance, it’s an act. It’s a limiting term. We’re more interested in concepts and carrying those out the best way we can. Music is our primary medium for that, but we definitely spend a lot of time painting and writing poems and making videos. The best comparison we can bring up is the Talking Heads and David Byrne. Stop Making Sense is a performance art piece. They integrate props to get your mind going. TBS: Having aspirations that just aren’t musical, how do you

deal with the business side of this? Matthew: We have control over our decisions. That’s something we really love about our labels, Atom Factory and Capitol, they let us make our decisions. For the most part we have a lot of freedom to carry out ideas as we see fit. TBS: How do you guys define success, then, as musicians? Matthew: The answer to that is changing daily. As artists we hope to affect as many people as we can. We hope to alter someone’s mindset, how to have a more open perspective and how to live more genuinely. Numbers on social media are the main medium bands have to see what their demographic is, so that’s what we look at. TBS: What was your creative approach to your self-titled EP, The Ceremonies? Matthew: The EP started with me writing a bunch of songs throughout high school and college—having these ideas in mind and maintaining this sense of childhood wonderment. I wanted to write music about finding sense of childhood within your inner adult. Then we met our producer Danny Garibay, brought him a bunch of those songs, and increased the production value. We decided which ones to put on the EP, and

put it together. TBS: You noted you’re the primary songwriter, but what does a discussion about creative decisions look like? Matthew: It’s been in the later stages. For example, with “Ballroom Bones” I had the demo recorded, and when we brought it to Danny we ended up adding a whole bunch of parts that became integral parts of the song. There’s a guitar line that became a big part of the song, and we decided on that together. Definitely there’s collaboration, but it happens later on. TBS: But how much change can happen when lyrics are a huge component to the tone of a song? Matthew: For sure, lyrics are important. For us, they’re at least 50% of the song—they hold the meaning. As an artistic collective that doesn’t want to be bound to the notion of just being a band, we hold a lot of our meaning in the song itself, which comes from the word. It’s interesting, though, a lot of people are selective listeners who listen more to the music than the words, and for those people there’s a process that has to be carried out where the atmosphere of the song has to match the lyrics. TBS: What goes into translating this live? Do you aim to have it be as close to the studio as you can, or do you want it to sound like the studio? Matthew: I think there are inevitable differences between the live sound and the recording. You have a lot more creative control with recording. We’re not interested in replicating the song on the record as much as we are creating a new experience live. It’s like, every time you read a book, you read it differently. It’s the same book you’re reading, but you paint different imagery in your mind. A song doesn’t have to be all new, but we like to pitch it in a new way. TBS: What’s your stage show like? Matthew: We’re going out on our second tour—this time with Glasvegas—from February to March. It’s not so much us trying to impress the audience as much as it is letting yourself get lost in the music. If you can do that, then the audience will feel like it’s musical theater or something—if you’re into it, the audience will feel it as well. TBS: Then what makes a good show or a bad show? Matthew: I guess just audience reaction. We’re really interested and committed to this idea of performing full-out. I’d rather sing a high note and have my voice crack than be too timid to go for the high note. We’re going for genuine emotion.

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Midwesterner Frozen at Bus Stop; “Didn't See Winter Coming” BY: WINNIE BAGO An Illinois native was found in a chunk of ice at a bus stop mid-January with tears frozen on his face and his thumb held out in a desperate attempt to hitchhike a ride. Brad Ferry, sophomore in biology, is now being treated for full-body frostbite at Carle Foundation Hospital in Urbana. Meanwhile, investigators tracked his trek across campus in order to keep other Midwestern students from meeting the same fate. “It’s unbelievable how these kids forget year after year what winter is like here,” local, mediocre Weatherman Troy Collins said. Investigators began by swabbing discarded napkins and coffee cups in the trash cans outside the ACES library for DNA matches with Ferry. One Espresso Royale product smeared with red lipstick matched Ferry, who confessed later to being a theater minor “on the side.” They found that Ferry then moved

from the Main Library to Mumford Hall where they found a series of footprints going around in circles and jumping up and down. It’s assumed that Ferry tried to shake water out of his ill-dressed sneakers after stepping in puddles left from melted snow. His trail then led directly to the Undergraduate Library. There was nowhere for investigators to go but down, so campus police detectives went to the last resort: asking a librarian for help. “He asked for books about Vincent van Gogh’s ‘darkest days,’” Librarian Claire Lindblade said. Detectives found highlighted sections of text in Ferry’s chosen books explaining how van Gogh chopped off his own ear. Detectives were forced to assume Ferry was desperate to chop off his cold, unprotected ears, knowing that he would soon succumb to frostbite.

Investigators also searched the browsing history on the computer Ferry used in UGL. Ferry searched for hour-by-hour forecasts of Champaign weather. Shortly after, he posted on Twitter saying, “Damn, Mother Nature is a cold hard bitch. #nothankswinter” After departing the library, investigators found butt imprints in the snow and ice near the Henry Administration Building. Judging from the amount of ice formed on the pavement, investigators say they believe Ferry “was slippin’ and slidin’ like a dang lil’ Bambi.” The last person who reported talking with Ferry was Ben Harris, sophomore in anthropology. The two spoke in the Altgeld post office before Ferry froze a few minutes later. “He came in the post office in a sweatshirt, khaki shorts and tennis shoes,” Harris said. “He didn’t say much. He was, however, still able to mouth to me that his sweatshirt was

'warm enough to keep him warm,' when I offered him my scarf.” Harris was dressed in a winter jacket, snow pants, boots, mittens, a scarf and a hat. He recalls that Ferry called him a “sissy” for wearing so much winter gear in this “mild” winter. “I don’t know,” Harris continued. “I couldn’t really make out what he was

saying under the earmuffs under my hat.” The Frozen Ferry statue at the Green and Fourth Street bus stop now stands as a reminder to students to bundle up before heading outdoors. “Ferry is a poster boy for what we don’t want students to do,” one of his case’s lead investigators said. “Winter is inevitable. It’s no more of a surprise than getting old. Both suck. Get used to it, Midwesterners.”

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the madlib

so, about that new years resolution

When the clock struck midnight — well, after the ___1___wore off, like, ___2___days later — I was all about my New Year’s resolution. Because 2014 is the year of change. I’m going to lose ___3___ pounds, I’m going to 4.0 my ___4___ class, I’m going to finally land my dream internship at ___5___, and I’m going to find the love of my life. I thought I’d be able to accomplish all of that in a few months! But here we are, and the past few months haven’t been perfect, but we can’t have it all! So the losing weight thing… yeah, that’s not going to happen. Between my roommate working at ___6___ and my friend having a pass to __7___, I was pretty much screwed. Plus, for Christmas my mom got me a ___8___-of-the-month club, so that’s really nice too.

lowed by ___12___, then some shots of ___13___. By the time we got to the bar, I was 50 shades of ___14___ and ended up staying the night at the celebrity’s assistant’s hotel room. The internship seemed a little out of range after I thought about it for a minute. Since I’m not active in any clubs or organizations, lying about being President of ___15___ and then being interviewed about it wasn’t too smart of me. But through that whole ordeal, I found my calling in studying ___16___, so I’ll chalk that one up to a win.

But one positive is that I’ve found the love of my life! No, not the assistant, but remember the hotel we stayed in? Well I was still tipsy when I stumbled out the next morning, and started flirting with the front desk guy. He took me out to ___17___ for breakAnd the whole doing-well-in-school thing. I missed fast that day, and it’s been love ever since! He even my first exam because ___9___ was doing a public- proposed… we’re getting married in ___18___! Yay, ity appearance at ___10___ and I wasn’t about to 2014!!! miss that. My roommates and I played ___11___, fol-

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