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Volume 25
The Black Sheep
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The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 1
CHAOS AT QUAD DAY:
RSOs Go to Dangerous Lengths for Students’ Attention Jupiter Stevens Wrote This CHAMPAIGN - Panic erupted at Quad Day this Sunday morning when competition for new students’ attention escalated to life-threatening levels between clubs at the University of Illinois. Known for its desperately outrageous advertising stunts by Registered Sudent Organizations (RSO), Quad Day has brought out some of the most cringe-worthy moments in university students’ lives – from 120 lbs. men in Speedos dancing around inflatable pools to a Northbrook-born Bob Marley impersonator doing ballet on a tight rope – but never before has the event turned dangerous. Reports said the bar began to be raised before the organizations were even finished setting up their event tables along the Quad sidewalks. “Tensions began to flair between the 10,500 ft. Falling Illini club and the Climbing Club when two opposing members began talking trash about the highest altitude they’ve reached, with one Falling Illini member eventually threatening: ‘I’ll put my foot so far in your ass you’d better hope that rope is tied to something or else you’ll be climbing mountains on Mars.”
The conflict gradually spread throughout the remainder of the set-up with everyone from Brothers and Sisters in Christ to the Xtension Chords beginning to exchange heated words about which club students should join. It wasn’t until a member of the Illini Hot Tub Club kicked over a table and ran out into the sea of students screaming, “HUMANS CAN WITHSTAND 125 DEGREE WATER TEMPERATURES AND I AIN’T NO BITCH,” before dumping a bucket of boiling hot water on himself, clutching at passing students’ pant legs. “That’s when I knew we had to step up our game,” said John Roberts, president of the Fencing Illini, who turned and stabbed a volunteer at the club’s table and yelled, “HEY, LOOK AT THE COOL THINGS WE CAN DO.” Before the impaled volunteer hit the ground, in-character members of the Humans vs. Zombies club surrounded her, blocking out the public’s view of the horror that had begun. As the College Republicans and College Democrats began to argue whether students’ tax dollars should pay to clean up the growing damage to the Quad, ROTC members began marching
through students, hurdling over the Gamma Phi Omegas still chalking the bloody sidewalk, unaware of the chaos around them. Students near the Knitting Illini table on the southeast end of the Quad found themselves trapped in a beautifully crocheted holding pen. “I thought we were done for until the Rodeo Club swooped in and roped them up,” one Knitting hostage said. “Now that’s how you use your string! Maybe I’ll join that club.” Rockets launched from the Foellinger steps by the Air Force ROTC club were being batted away by Wifflin’ Illini as members of the Society for Competitive Fighting Video Games scattered from their booth, hysterically crying, “IT’S ALL TOO REAL!” Star Course members ran to recruit local musicians from Music for the Masses for a benefit relief show but were cornered by projects from the VEX Robotics club, who were then programmed to self-destruct by HackIllinois members hiding in the Union computer lab. The sky filled with smoke and echoed with screams for salvation. “Help me!” a member of the Society of Professional Journalists
recalled hearing one freshman yell out as she scaled the walls of the English Building to escape a member of the Climbing Club wielding an ice axe. “Someone just help me choose the right club!” It was then that a small dot could be seen growing in the sky, weaving in-and-out from the smoke billowing up from the Quad. What could have been mistaken for falling debris began to look bigger as it began to fall faster by the second. The freshman, now clinging
on to the crumbling brick at the top of the English Building, was losing grip as each finger slid off and her weight pulled down on her arms. The Climbing Club member grabbed onto her right ankle, barking out, “JUST GIVE ME YOUR EMAIL,” as he raised his arm back to swing the ice axe at the freshman. But out of nowhere, an object collided into the side of the building where the two students were struggling. Dust poured out from the rubble, blocking any clear view
as to what had just crashed into the English Building. The students stood silent on the Quad, looking at the result of what had become a deadly day in Illini history, when a single survivor crawled out from the wreckage holding up a ripped piece of paper. “I...I got it...,” whispered the voice of who could now be identified as the Falling Illini member whose words sparked the entire incident. “...Kelly...Walsh... email: Krwalsh@Illinois.edu....”
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LETTER TO THE EDITOR
EASYGOING QUESTIONS TO BREAK THE ICE WITH YOUR ROOMMATE
INTERVIEW WITH CHAMPAIGN MAYOR DON GERARD
SOME GENERAL CONVERSATION STARTERS TO MAKE A GREAT FIRST IMPRESSION.
WE CHAT WITH THE UIUC ALUM ABOUT TODAY’S PRESSING TOPICS.
LET US EXPLAIN IN OUR OWN SPECIAL WORDS WHAT EXACTLY WE ARE.
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Don’t break up by phone. Do it in person.
www.SuburbanExpress.com
JUST A FEW MORE WAYS
PAGE 4
BEAT OUR CAPTION!
TO KILL SOME TIME.
THE GROSS SEX PHRASE OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!
THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY CARVER Mittens stared sadly into the distance knowing he’d never land a job until he beat his catnip addiction once and for all. Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
WORD
of the
WEEK
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killers nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear Tex Mex,
CREEPTOMANIA An addiction in which the afflicted cannot help but creep on new acquaintances’ Facebook pictures. The moment Darren accepted Mariah’s friend request he spent the next 20 minutes looking at pictures of her in bikini.
When I was looking into what publications this university offered, I came across this one alongside journalistic contemporaries like The Daily Illini and Smile Politely. For someone who’s relatively new to campus, could you explain in your own words just what exactly The Black Sheep is? Sincerely, A Freshman Journalism Major Dear Esteemed and Invaluable Reader, Thank you for writing to us. All of our readers’ words are greatly appreciated, and we’re happy to satisfy your thirst for knowledge regarding the publication. The Black Sheep is an award-winning, highly-respectable news outlet that spans across several campuses nationwide. Our mission is to keep students well-informed and up-to-date on current events, both nationally and internationally. Our team of
to the
EDITOR
crack writers – all of whom have received honors for their valiant efforts and achievements in journalism – are always working to present the student and faculty populations with ace, hard-pressed facts in order to document the most intriguing stories occurring 24/7. Our editors endorse strict fact-checking policies to ensure that our readers can trust The Black Sheep where other campus publications may falter when it comes to reporting the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Essentially, our goal is to let readers know that… … all of this is completely false. We’re just a group of college students trying to pass off our drunken ramblings as comedy in order to squeeze a chuckle out of you while you wait for your half-price burger at Joe’s. To our uninitiated freshmen, hold onto your hats, because riding with The Black Sheep is one hell of a one-night stand. Cheers, Tex Mex
PLAY ALONG! @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC
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Open Letter from Alma Mater: “Please Leave Me Alone” MY DEAREST STUDENTS,
rules to start off the new school year on the right foot.
I’m baaaaaaaaack! Getting nestled back into my spot these past few months has been spectacular. While I was being repaired I missed the UIUC campus more than anyone could possibly imagine and it’s been wonderful seeing all you crowding around me again. I’ll admit, it was kind of nice having a year-anda-half-long break, but my supports feel well-rested and I’m eager to start up a full semester back in the C-U.
First, the pictures where you’re all pretending to be me have got to stop. I don’t care if you think you’ve got my pose down or if you’ve got my perfect motherly gaze, you’re not me. You will never be me. You may have had your fun and games posing on my podium while I was gone, but I’ve been holding this shit down since 1929 and there’s no room for imposters. I’ve been trying to get the university to engrave “Bad Bitches Only” onto the side of my base for years, but until that happens you had all better heed this warning.
But since I got back last April there have been a few issues I’ve felt a need to address. During my time away, I forgot how crazy you kids can get, and ole’ Alma needs to lay down a few ground
Also, you lazy assholes need to stop sticking your chewed gum all over me. There are literally four trashcans within sight of me right now. I don’t want to ruin my fresh bronze finish. I
look good and you all know it, so don’t ruin it by placing your fat wads of saliva on my freshly-polished robe. Although annoying, those first two offenses are only minor ones. I think this should go without saying, but you all had better stop drunkenly fingerblasting each other all over me. I’ve seen some freaky shit in my 80+ years and I can’t take it much longer. As a mother of this university, it’s hard enough to watch my children engage in any type of that strange, but the things I have seen and heard would make that dirty-talking Robert Easter look twice. I can’t count how many times people have sung “Hail to the Orange” while doing the dirty against my base. It’s messed up, the way each thrust is met with each new line of the song, and every single climax is completed while shouting “VARSITY,” as if the football team actually won a
game. I’m deeply scarred, and any time that song is played, I swear I start rusting just a little bit faster.
go get restored in the first place. If this continues, then I’ll be due for touch-ups every damn year.
And for the love of god, STOP PEEING ON ME. On an average night, I’m pissed on at least 12 times. The flowers don’t “need watering” and I don’t “need a bath,” so find somewhere else to relieve yourself besides my legs. I don’t care that you’ve “broken the seal already” and “need somewhere to go right now” or that you think it would be funny to aim for my eye. The amount of dried urine I was covered in was the reason I had to
Students, all I ask is that you adhere to these rules. I love this university and all of you very much, but c’mon, give me a little break. I’ve got high hopes for the school year. Especially if you remember this simple piece of advice: Grainger Bob is a nerdy bastard, go commit these foul acts against him. Sincerely, Alma Mater
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Earning an MRS Degree: A Guide For Freshman Girls Listen closely, ladies. College is the beginning of your transition into adulthood, and you need to start thinking about your future more seriously. And we’re sorry if this next bit of news has you shaking in your Steve Madden heels, but you need to be hit with a harsh dose of reality. The world is a scary, expensive place, and you can’t be expected to go out there and navigate it on your own. Pretty soon your parents are going to cut you off financially, and without that steady flow of income, how will you afford to continue living the lavish lifestyle you deserve? You need to find a man to bring in money for you. And that’s why you’re here at the University of Illinois. The prestigious MRS program at Illinois equips you, an attractive young woman, with all the tools and skills necessary to prepare you for a rich, rewarding life of wifely servitude and gold-digging
thievery. Putting in the time and effort now to find your lifelong golden parachute benefits you twofold: It allows you to marry a future rich man soon after graduation while he’s still attractive and in his physical prime, and it gives you the opportunity to claim that you loved him and stuck by his side before he was rich, giving you important leverage in future arguments and inevitable divorce proceedings when you take half his assets. As you embark on this noble endeavor to strike gold with the next great lawyer, engineer, or that Jordan Belfort wannabe from the College of Business, The Black Sheep would like to give you some guidance to make the most of your time in the MRS program and maximize your future earnings: Take easy classes or declare an easy major: Conventional wisdom says to enroll in difficult classes or enter a science-focused program because it’s the easiest place to meet smart future doctors; however, instead of wasting
precious hours keeping up with classes you have no chance of passing, your time would be better spent practicing duties such as baking cookies, cleaning the frat house, or perfecting your fellatio technique. Your future hubby will take notice and appreciate those deeds more than seeing you struggle in class, so schedule 12 hours of communications classes every semester and let him do all the tough schoolwork. Your good deeds will not go unnoticed, and soon guys will recognize you as wife material. Join a top sorority house: If you’re in this program, you’ve already met the pre-requisite of being super pretty, so accomplishing this feat won’t be a problem. Joining a top sorority house exposes you to top fraternity houses on campus, who traditionally accept guys from wealthier suburbs like Winnetka, Hinsdale, and Deerfield. These dudes may not look like much now, but top fraternity houses have connections at big companies and
firms that show favoritism when it comes to hiring fellow fraternity brothers for well-compensated positions, which results in a big payday for you. And the only way these frat-tastic bros will even give you the time of day on the first day is if you’ve got the right letters on your sweater. Always dress nice: Notice the emphasis on “always.” On a campus of 40,000 students, you’re going to see new guys every day, and you cannot afford (literally) to come off as just some random chick on your first encounter with them. There are tons of random chicks on this campus for guys to choose from, and most guys prefer the ones who aren’t looking to siphon money out of them. Take the time every morning to put on your makeup, style your hair and pick out a nice-looking outfit. A little effort goes a long way, and taking extra time to put forth that effort could end up being the difference between wedding the next Marc Andreessen and getting hitched with some jabroni who doesn’t
know how to spell “Mark.” Research your targets: Not unlike other programs here at U of I, the MRS program will require you to conduct a little research of your own. Dive deep into each candidate and evaluate his history and potential: Is he committed to working hard? Is he prone to slacking off and diminishing future earnings? Is his family already rich? Can he get a high-paying job at his father’s company after graduation and eventually take over the family business? These are all important
questions that you need to ask and find the answers to. There are ample resources for research at your disposal (and by that we mean stalking on various forms of social media) so use them! We hope you take this advice seriously and use it wisely. Think of your journey towards earning an MRS degree as a treasure hunt and our guide as the map. At the end of your hunt, you will unearth copious amounts of riches that you didn’t earn. Happy husband hunting! Bag yourself a rich one!
Easygoing Questions to Break the Ice with Your Roommate Getting assigned a random roommate can be unnerving, but actually meeting your roommate for the first time can be outright nerve-wracking. The first step to any healthy, newly-founded 4-year-friendship, however, is simple conversation. While the ice breaker games you played with your roommates will only get you so far, here are some common introductory questions to spark some truly engaging conversations between you and your new roommate. Whether you’re slumming it in the Six Pack or lapping the luxury up at Illini Tower, these questions are sure to warm things up for freshmen (and sophomores who looked for apartments too late) across all of campus. Serve up your favorite non-alcoholic drink and kick things off with some of these conversation starters: What’s your blood type? Finding out the specifics of what your roommate has coursing through his or her veins is a great way to both get to know them as a person as well as gain preemptive knowledge should anything go awry during your first year on campus. A roomie sporting O- or O+ blood is likely to be more generous around the dorm, especially when it comes to donating blood on the off chance that you need a transfusion after a botched kidney abduction. AB however? Don’t expect them to be doing anyone any favors unless it helps them out, too. What division of the occult to you most identify with? Going straight into religion can make people
uncomfortable, so rather than rub your roommate the wrong way, start with beliefs that are a little less controversial. For instance, you might find out that you aren’t the only paganistic witchcraft enthusiast on campus after all! Figuring out which tomes of black magic your roomie is into is a great way to check out and recommend other books that interest them without having to mention touchy subjects like the Bible. If your roommate dabbles with theistic Aztec beliefs or Satanism, we hope you’re not a neat freak – your residence hall is sure to fine you for that sacrificial blood stain in the carpet! Which Lovecraftian Creature is your spirit animal? We all know the common copout answers for the sprit animal question. Chances are that your roomie really isn’t that into metaphysically assuming the form of seals or Bengal tigers as he or she is letting on. Once you’ve discovered which deity of Cthulu mythos they most often morph into in their dreams, you know you’ve made a very special connection. Like the yin to your yang, your roommate might very well be the Azathoth to your Shub-Niggurath… minus the thousands of fledging tentacles and screams from the netherworld, of course! Who are your favorite Tibetan throat-singing artists? Too often do we hear the response, “Oh, you know… a little bit of everything,” when asking someone what music they listen to. Dig a little
Tex Mex Wrote This
deeper! Get to the root of your roomie’s favorite musical artists by asking them about their own collection of field recording cassettes and Tibetan throat-singing vinyls. Any regular schmuck can tell you about their affinity for heavy noise and drone instrumentals. A true friend will be happy to engage in a listening session to Pierre Schaeffer’s ambient Cinq études de bruits while a hi-fi cassette of Gulug Monk throat-singing is playing at the same time. If your roomie stops at the word “avant garde,” crank the abrasiveness to 11 and revel in their tastelessness. If you could have dinner with a famous person, living or dead, whose face would you wear and why? This question always tends to throw people for a loop since they’re never sure which famous person to take to dinner. Your roommate will probably try to answer the second half of the question first in hopes that you forgot about the first, but don’t let them off so easy! If for whatever reason your roomie is still stumped, go ahead and give them the option of living or dead. You want to learn a lot about who you’re living with, but you don’t want to make them too uncomfortable.
Are you a dog or a cat person? Now that you’ve got the basics out of the way, you might be ready to ask your roommate something that hits a little more close to home. However, be incredibly cautious with the wording when asking this question. Be sure to stick strictly with either “dog” or “cat,” and absolutely do not give consideration to any tropical or exotic animals. If you don’t feel comfortable enough with your roomie after the preliminary set of questions, save this question might be better suited as a comment in passing or one after a few drinks. Whatever you do, just don’t be weird about it. Look, anyone and everyone is a little awkward and uncomfortable while first meeting – it’s just common human nature! So before you grab that first heartattack-on-a-bun at Fat Sandwich or take a walk down the Quad, get to know who you’re hanging around with first. Proper knowledge could save you from hanging out with a total creep!
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As students return to Champaign-Urbana, so too does the action. With fresh kegs being tapped, old friends being reunited, and new ones being made, there is truly no better time to be a student at the University of Illinois. Many students are looking forward to getting black-out drunk and waking up inside of the bathroom in Kam’s, others are buying their books and preparing for their heavy course load, and for the Greek community, no time of the year is bigger than rush. Rush week to the average person just means free beer and a chance to become a part of the illustrious history that comes along with being a brother or sister in a university fraternity or sorority. Nobody, though, is more excited for rush week than freshman Tim Drexler. “I’ll be the first to admit that I was a little skeptical about coming to this school,” Drexler said. “All I heard about was the partying and that’s just not my bag, dude. But then, I heard everybody talking about Rush and I couldn’t believe it.” He wiped a tear from his eyes and continued, “I thought I was the only one who knew that band.” Despite our many attempts at informing him of what rush week actually is, he was unwilling to listen to what we had to say. “Listen, guy,” Drexler said. “I know Rush. Don’t feed me some bullshit about fraternities or whatever it is that you’re trying to say. I know that none of those guys would know anything about Rush. They got their Greek letters and shit? The only letters I care about are Y-Y-Z. And that isn’t a ‘Z’ like us Americans know it. That’s a Zed. You know, like it’s supposed to be said.” Surprisingly, it doesn’t seem like Drexler is well-liked amongst his peers. He’s been seen walking around campus, soliciting dirty looks from the strangers he gives high-fives to while yelling out Rush song titles. “If I hear ‘Tom Sawyer’ one more time,” Drexler’s roommate, who wished to remain nameless, said, “I’m going to kill myself. Actually, that would give him straight A’s. I’ll just kill him instead… Please don’t print that.” The roommate went on, “I think I’m just going to send him to a rush party. Maybe he’ll actually go in. Maybe he’ll drink too much. Hopefully that’ll shut him up, or kill him. People hate him. You can print that part.” It remains to be seen whether or not the day will come when Drexler realizes what rush week is actually about. Until that day, you can find him in the UGL constantly playing the air drums while listening to 2112 on shuffle. “Ever hear of a little guy named Neil Peart?” Drexler asked the security guard sitting next to him in a condescending manner. “Yeah, he’s pretty good at drums. You try listening to him on that kit and try not to play along. You can’t.” While he continues to make more enemies than friends, Drexler is still looking forward to what this year will bring to him. “I wish Rush Week could just be Rush Year, even though in my life, every year is Rush year.”
CURRENT EVENTS
THE TOP TEN People You Meet on Your First Day of College It’s the first week on campus for thousands of students and meeting new people has never been as exciting or frightening in their lifetime. Ask that kid shaking in his room across the hall! He was excited to meet his roommate until he came home one night to find him chewing on his underwear. This list of ten people you’ll meet at UIUC will help you prepare for these encounters and avoid being like Frightened Freddie over there sucking on his thumb. 10.) The “Popular” Girl: Spotting this girl is a breeze because she’s the one dressed up for the first day of school. Her hometown is Bumblefuck, Illinois and she firmly believes that every conversation should start off with a story about her small-town life. As annoying as she may be, you can be assured that 40,000+ other “special snowflakes” at UIUC will knock her down a few pegs. 9.) The Floormates: Choosing your roommate seemed like the most frightening thing about college, until you realized you couldn’t choose your neighbors. Floormates are a huge gamble – you may end up meeting your best friend or just the creepy kid who watches you shower from the mirror. Either way, you’ll have to learn how to deal with them as much as your roommate.
Fat GST Tenant Excited for McDonald’s Banana Boy Wrote This With the new McDonald’s opening on Green Street, U of I students from all walks of life are anxiously awaiting the arrival of the fast food giant. Green Street Tower residents are especially excited for the grand opening because the restaurant is located directly below their rooms. However, some residents are far too excited for their own good. Several tenants said “fatass” GST resident James Garfield hasn’t shut his mouth about the opening since the rumors began swirling that GameStop was going to be replaced. We were unfortunate enough to catch up with Garfield before he left for the Union Basement to play DDR, and learned exactly why he’s been so ecstatic about the opening. “Thank God I don’t have to walk to my car to drive to McDonald’s anymore,” raved Garfield, sucking down a blue raspberry slushie through a Nerds Rope. “I used to have to drag my ass to my car, drive all the way to Neil St., and then walk into the restaurant. It was miserable.” Garfield pontificated for an hour of the glories of McDonald’s using words like “heavenly,” “stupendous,” and “only a dollar.” It was sickening. He also demonstrated how he uses the Nike+ running app to calculate the shortest amount of walking possible to reach his destinations. While most mouth-breathing fat shits would be content with having both a McDonald’s and a Wendy’s within smelling distance of their bedroom, Garfield still believes there’s work to be done. “First off, who eats at Panera? Pansies, that’s who. I’m a red-blooded American and I need all my food with so much lard you can’t digest it for three weeks,” Garfield said proudly, his smile tripling his number of chins.
Garfield proposes that the Panera be replaced with a Taco Bell, the Kaplan Learning Center with a KFC, and leaving the Subway as is because “[he] likes pretending to eat healthy sometimes”. Although most students are looking forward to having another affordable option to eat on Green Street, others are upset that another greasy restaurant is taking up valuable space. “McDonald’s is the epitome of America’s obesity and processed food complex, and it makes me sick that the company is being allowed back on campus,” said a girl struggling with a stick up her butt. Others were hoping for Qdoba to make a storied comeback to Green Street, after being embarrassingly run off campus by Chipotle; however, after doing various studies, pundits claim that Qdoba attempting to take on Chipotle again would only result in another closure, and recommended that a second Chipotle be opened instead. When the double Chipotle idea was presented to Garfield, he scoffed and stated that he’s “a Qdoba man through and through,” which many said was to be expected. He then diverted the conversation to McDonald’s once again, and proposed the idea of buying a Rascal Scooter so he no longer has to walk anywhere. Forfeiting the ability that millions of handicapped people would give anything to attain seems only logical to Garfield, stating that “the struggle is real.” Garfield can only wait for the chain to open its doors, and he plans to camp out the night before the opening. Until that fateful day, Garfield will be lugging himself over to Neil Street. He requests that all donations to ease his suffering be directed to apartment 54, $20 bills preferred.
8.) The Big Ten Athlete: Even if they’re second string, you’re bound to be a little star struck seeing an athlete on your first day. But after attending at least one Illini football game, you’ll see them as the same meathead jocks from high school, just with fancier uniforms. And with their attendance as shitty as their on-field performance, it’s best you keep your lecture notes to yourself. 7.) The International Kid: It’s damn-near impossible to not run into at least one international student on Quad Day. While it may take time to cozy up to them, they truly are the spice of academics at Illinois. If you’re looking to expand your horizons beyond the cornfields, we suggest befriending someone from beyond the good ole’ U S of A. 6.) The Pre-Med: Other names: The Study Freak, The Library Rat, and The 12-Year Plan. Usually the pre-med has life and college “all figured out.” Their schedule is already planned through senior year and they started their medical school applications during high school. They may seem intimidating, but wait to see how composed they look after two semesters of Orgo 101 and Physics 101. 5.) The Legacy: Whether it’s a male or female, the legacy is ready to take on rush. While other pathetic freshmen fear the Greeks and their mysterious system of membership, the legacy knows the ins and outs of each house and exactly what they’re gunning for come rush week. Legacies remain assholes beyond their college years, so get use to putting up with them for a while. 4.) The Business Major: Hint: They go out on Thursday nights. Business majors dazzle students and faculty alike with their fancy suits and accounting classes but deep down, they know they chose their major for the party rights. Business is about as vague of a major as you can get at UIUC, which leaves a lot of wiggle room for drunken weekday karaoke at White Ho. 3.) The Victory Lapper: Their five years of college experience may seem intriguing and wise at first; however, after a few weeks, it’s apparent that super seniors just have difficulty leaving the party. College may be the best years of your life, but overspending tens of thousands of dollars certainly isn’t. 2.) The Hot Mess: Unfortunately for women, it’s easier to spot the female version of the hot mess. Her room is already a disaster despite moving in only a few days ago, her hand is stained with at least two stamps from Joe’s and Kam’s, and her mascara makes her look like a crying raccoon. While the male version does exist, it’s often hard to distinguish between The Lazy Frat Guy and Typical Male Senior. 1.) The Know-It-All: Not only does this person have an older sibling at the university but they’ve also been coming to UIUC since they were in diapers. They volunteered to teach their own freshmen class “Hail to the Orange” and consistently lecture others about the severity of entering the Morrow Plots. Eventually, they will become a UIUC tour guide and you’ll silently laugh to yourself as they trip walking backwards up the steps of Foellinger.
Sammie Sea Wrote This
09
UIUC Senior Reclaims “School Bully” Status Squirrel Man Wrote This
Peter Dikhed is a sociopath and senior at the University of Illinois. Throughout middle school and high school, Peter was notorious for bullying younger kids, and now that he’s starting his last year before graduating to the real world, he’s hoping to reclaim his status of “school bully.” While his peers are searching for careers and being reasonable grownups, Peter is now focusing his attention on incoming freshmen. “It feels great to harass those who are smaller, younger, and more inexperienced than myself,” said Dikhed as he tried fitting back into his high school football jersey, his classic bullying attire. “I realize I should be trying to figure out my life now that I’m 22-years-old, but come to think of it, when’s the last time you’ve seen someone immaturely berate passerbys with slurs or give an asshole-shredding wedgie? I’ve got to quench the thirst, nerds.”
Peter said he began his childish crusade against freshmen during the summer. When incoming freshmen were being shown around the UIUC campus, he would follow tour groups around and taunt them for their lack of direction. “Hey, freshmen, I bet you don’t even know how to get to the Quad from FAR!” a drunk Peter would yell before being politely asked to leave. “Yeah, that’s right, you haven’t been here long enough to know that shit!”
and saying things like “I bet you’ve never even seen a vagina!” to freshmen. He frequently belittles them for their lack of sexual experience, with most if not all of his degrading commentary going completely ignored.
“I’ve got to quench the thirst, nerds.”
Although Peter doesn’t shy away from face-to-face confrontations with freshmen, he does most of his bullying online, in which he pokes fun at the naïveté of college freshmen in general. Peter likes to make college freshman memes and to post them on the UIUC subreddit for all to enjoy. According to victims he’s walked past on the Quad, he also attempts to recite his memes vocally in public, adding the word “DIES” at the end of every quip before snickering to himself.
His bullying tactics have been no less crass than they were in his adolescent years. Dikhed has taken to giving swirlies, delivering atomic wedgies,
As one would expect, freshmen have not responded favorably to Peter’s bullying. “What the hell is wrong with this guy?” asked one new student who
was taunted by Dikhed outside of her dorm at ISR. “Does he think picking on freshmen makes him cool? I thought this shit didn’t happen anymore in college.” Another freshman agreed. “Seriously, why would you bother to make fun of freshmen? Don’t you have anything better to do? Besides, not all freshmen are like the guy in the college freshman meme. Shit, who the hell even takes the
time to make those things anymore?” No one knows why Dikhed has never matured beyond a middle school bully, but there seems to be no sign that he’ll grow up soon. In fact, Peter has expressed interest in staying in academia indefinitely, so that even as an old man, he’ll still be able to make fun of freshmen guys’ “tiny wieners” when they play beer pong for the first time.
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERYDAY SPECIALS $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs $2 Jager Bombs
Saturday’s Show (7/12): SUMMER BAE BASH featuring KYRAL X BANKO with Krucial, Bear Tooth, Airia and more!
TUESDAY! WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 WELLS, $2 BEAM FIRE Shots, $2 Bud Light Bottles
SATURDAY! DJ Belly, Free, 10pm No Cover before 11pm!
Tuesday! $3 Burger & a Bud Light from 8-10pm $2 WELLS & HOT STUFF HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS HALF PRICE BURGERS 4p-10pm
Friday 8/22
$2 Wells $2.50 Domestic Bottles $3 Three Olives, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs
JOE MARCINEK BAND featuring members of TREY ANASTASIO BAND with THE COOP and FLACCID
$3 BACARDI & BOMBS $3 BUD LIGHT TALLBOYS $3 JIM BEAM BRANDS
Feral States, $5, 10pm w/ Opposite Box
BEARS vs SEAHAWKS 9pm $3.99 Haus Fries All Day $6 Bud Light 40’s $3 Jim Beam Brands
Saturday 8/23
$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles $3 Bacardi, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs
DRESS STOP LIGHT PARTY 90’s Music All Night
$3 JAGER BOMBS $3 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES
DJ Belly, Free, 10pm No Cover before 11pm!
$3 Three Olives Vodka $3 Jager Bombs $3 Rumple Shots $3.99 Pretzel Bites
Sunday 8/24
Closed
Tix on sale now for Ab-Soul, Drive-By Truckers, OK Go, EOTO and more!
WELCOME BACK PARTY!
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
$2 ANYTHING Every Liquor...Every Beer $2! $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings
Monday 8/25
$2 Double Wells $2 Bud light/Budweiser Drafts $5 Bud light/Budweiser Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY featuring JUSTIN RONDON and DUKE HIATT $2 Slices of Manolos and $1 Drinks
$2 TOP SHELF NIGHT
DJ Mingram, Free, 10pm $3 Jameson and Absolut
Pop Culture Trivia 7:30pm $1 Bud Drafts $2 Long Islands $1 Silver Tequila Shots $3 Goose Island Drafts
Tuesday 8/26
$2 Wells, $2 Drafts $2 Shot of the Week $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs
CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE featuring some of C-U’s funniest! $2 Real Long Islands!
WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 WELLS, $2 BEAM FIRE Shots, $2 Bud Light Bottles
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 8:45pm
$3 Burger & a Bud Light from 8-10pm $2 WELLS & HOT STUFF HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS HALF PRICE BURGERS 4p-10pm
Wednesday 8/27
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs, $1 Cherry Bombs/OBombs, $2 Jager Bombs
Rhythm & Rhyme Hip Hop Showcase featuring UPSIDE, GRANT FLOWS, KLEVAH and More! Free Show!
$2 HOT STUFF $2 LONG ISLANDS (3 FLAVORS)
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
BUD MUG NIGHT! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug $1 Specialty SHOTS, $2 FIREBALL $4.99 Buffalo Chicken & Fries 4-10pm, KARAOKE at 10pm
Thursday 8/28
$1 Wells, $2 Fireball, $2 UV Vodka $2 PBR, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs
Rock Band Showcase featuring ABNORMOUS, DECADENTS and OLD FOX ROAD - Free Show!
FIREBOMB NIGHT! $1 FIREBALL $2 UV VODKA $3 JAGER & VEGAS BOMBS
Bookmobile, $5, 10pm Full line-up TBA
$1 WELLS - NO COVER featuring UV Vodka! $2 Bud Light Drafts $3 Any Craft or Liquor $1 TACO’S 4pm-10pm
The Bar Grid
DOWNTOWN SATURDAY 8/22: The Wild Goose Chase w/ Goose Island Brewery! Find Golden Eggs Throughout the City! Sign Up Online!
THURSDAY Pyramid Presents: Vibes Free w/ Student ID until 11pm $3 Red Strip, $4 Rum Punch, 2 for $150 Luc Belaire Rose
Sunday: Complete your Ice Bucket Challenge at Joe’s on Sunday and we’ll donate $10 to ALS on your behalf and $1 for every bucket your purchase
Friday 8/22
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 10pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID
$6 Summer Shandy Pitchers $3 Jim Beam Drinks
Saturday 8/23
The Wild Goose Chase w/ Goose Island Brewery! Find Golden Eggs Throughout the City! Sign Up Online!
De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola
Sunday 8/24
$5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull
Monday 8/25
KAM'S
Friday and Saturday: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
SUNDAY! Quad Day Party - Live DJ! $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
UV Friday featuring “Delicato” 10pm: $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Bud Lt. Cans $2 Drafts Free Pint Glass with Cover Bam Shirt Giveaway! Beer Pong Fun
$6 Lunchbox Pitchers $3 Captain Drinks
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
WELCOME BACK PARTY - DJ Spydey 10pm: $4 Blue Guys, $2 Lite & Coors Lt Bottles/Drafts $3 Beam Drinks, $3 Jager Bombs Beam Shirt Giveaway Free Pint Glass with Cover
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Buckets on Buckets Build your own Buckets of Beer Try a Cruzan Rum Bucket
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Quad Day Party - Live DJ! $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
$2 Platinums $2 RBV’s featuring Smirnoff
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Tweet to Win Prizes! $2 U Call It “Get it All Here”
Tuesday 8/26
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
All New/Old 8th Grade Dance $3 20oz Gatorades, $1 Jello Shots
1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Country Nite “Drink it in Your Mason Jar!” Wear Your Dukes & Boots, Win Hats & T’s $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles, $1.50 Drafts, $2 Moonshine Drinks, $2 Fireball & Dr Shots
Wednesday 8/27
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Bikini Bartenders Tonight! Get Ready for Joe’s Bikini Contest on 9/24/14
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
Platinum Wednesday Kickoff! Bud Girls – Win a Bud Cooler & Tent $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $6 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 3 Olives & Cuervo Drinks DJ Delicato Spinning Live!
Thursday 8/28
$3 ANY Draft $4 White Russians
Pyramid Presents: Vibes Free w/ Student ID until 11pm $3 Red Strip, $4 Rum Punch, 2 for $150 Luc Belaire Rose
$2 Jager Bombs New International Drinks Available
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Senior Night - No Cover 21+ $5 KamIslands (Limit 2 per Night) $2 Blue Moon, $3 Blue Guys, $3 Captain Drinks DJ Spydey Spinning Live
SPECIAL NIGHT
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FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys
Wednesday: $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hams Logo Glass Day! $4 Double Shots of Pinnacle, Jameson or Malibu, $4 Jager Bomb, $2 Shot of Dr. McGuillicuddys, Orchata or Fireball
WIN & WOO from Spring Awakening $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam Whiskeys
Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
SATURDAY! $3 U Call It! Brunch from 11am-3pm
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
$2.50 Drafts of Budweiser, Bud Light, Rolling Rock, Miller Light and Coors Light $3 Drafts of Blue Moon, Angry Orchard, Sam Adams Family $5 Double shots of Wild Turkey or Skyy $2.50 Shot of Jose Cuervo, Paddy Devil’s Apple or Malort
OPEN AT 5PM! $1 FRATTY NATTY, $3 JIM BEAM WHISKEY $3 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES DJ’S WIN & WOO from Spring Awakening
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
$3 Drafts of Goose Island Family $6/$5 Mighty Mugs of Budweiser, Bud Light, Rolling Rock, Miller Light and Coors Light, $5 Double shots of Jameson, Cruzan or Malibu, $2.50 Shot of Orchata or Dr. McGuillicuddys
$3 JAGER BOMBS $3 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 LONG ISLANDS
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 U Call It! Brunch from 11am-3pm
Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS
$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers
Trivia! $4.50/$3.50 Mighty Mugs of PBR and Hamms, $2 Drafts of Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, Rolling Rock, Miller Light $2.50 Specialty Pints and Bottles $4 Classic Margaritas and Double Wells, $2 Managers Choice Shot
WELCOME BACK PARTY! $2 LONG ISLANDS
$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys Brunch from 11 am–3 pm REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp
Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale.
Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30 Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR
BINGO! $4.50/3.50 Mighty Mugs of Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, Rolling Rock, Miller Light, $3 Drafts of Blue Moon, Angry Orchard, Sam Adams Family, $4 Double Shots of Jim Beam and Cruzan, $2 Shot of Paddy Devil’s Apple, Malort or Jose Cuervo
MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 HOT STUFF $3 MONSTER VODKA’S
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM
ALL Drafts on sale
Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers
$4 Pint 4’s, $4 Double Shots of 2Gingers or Skyy, $2 Shot of Orchata or Dr. McGuillicuddys, $2 Tall Boys (Old Style, PBR, Schlitz, Miller Lite)
SENIOR NIGHT $2 LONG ISLANDS, $2 WELLS $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES Bags Tourney at 9pm
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers
$6 Pitchers of PBR and Hams Logo Glass Day! $4 Double Shots of Pinnacle, Jameson or Malibu, $4 Jager Bomb, $2 Shot of Dr. McGuillicuddys, Orchata or Fireball
$4 CRUZAN RUM BUCKETS $2 BEAM KENTUCKY FIRE SHOTS $3 JIM BEAM
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot
$8 Pitchers of Killians, Leinenkugels, Shocktop, $2.50 Specialty Pints and Bottles, $4 Double Shots of Pinnacle or Jim Beam, $2 Shot of Orchata or Dr. McGuillicuddys
$2 UV VODKA $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS $3 ALUMINUM BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $5 MONSTER SHACKERS
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Jack, Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM
Friday 4 o’Clock Club 1/2 Price Appetizer 4 ‘til 5
BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club
Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER
ALL Bottles on sale
Thirsty Thursday! $2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Beers
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ON THE STREETS What’s the most college thing since you’ve been back on campus?
Kyle, Junior
“Went to C-Street.”
Steph, Junior
“Ate at Chipotle.”
Maura, Sophomore
“Dropped a Blue Guy at KAM’S and made the person who bumped into me buy me a new one.”
BARTENDERS of the WEEK
JARED of WHITE HORSE
Relationship Status: Met a girl at a super glue party and we’ve been stuck together ever since. Major: Book Cooking Favorite Drink: Maker’s Mark Favorite Shot: Kamikaze Disgusting Drink: Anything tequila-based What’s the best back to school drink?: Rumchata Colada What song are you most excited to hear 1,000 times the first month of school?: “Wiggle” by Jason Derulo Four words to describe U of I’s football season: Holy fuck, I quit. Give us a bit of U of I-specific advice for incoming freshmen: Tip the 21-year-old that buys you booze. Don’t be a dick. What is, like, so 2012?: #Kony What would you trade for two more weeks of summer?: Your left arm. Who is your mortal enemy, and what malicious rumor would you like us to spread about them?: Nicole Gasparich -- she actually does squirt. If you were Spider President for a day, what kind of tarantu-laws would you enact?: New improvements to the world wide web. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because my picture is in it.
THE DRINKING GAME CENTURIONS OF FLOOR 9 We all remember that awkward first floor meeting freshman year – the one where your RA tells you not to drink and all that nonsense and has you play those ridiculous ice breaker games. Remember how useful those ice breakers were? Yeah, neither do we. You know why they didn’t work? Because they didn’t involve playing the name game while taking a shot of beer every minute. What You’ll Need: A couple 30-racks of beer, tall glasses, shot glasses, a round table, a very open personality. Number of Players: 6+, or as many as your amount of beer allows. The less you know the people around you the better. Level of Intoxication: “Wait… how did we not hang out in high school? Oh my god, I totally thought you were too popular to talk to someone like me…” How to Play: As the game’s namesake foretells, this is a game of Centurion. The objective of the base game is to take a shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes. In addition to see who has the most alcoholic endurance, this iteration of the game also acts as a long-
term ice breaker exercise. Every 10 shots, the sub-game or topic question will change. The goal is to realize how easy it is to get to know people while drinking… as well as how to regret it come the next morning. Shots 1-10: The Name Game: Starting you off easy here. “That’s Sarah and she likes salmon. That’s Andrew and he likes apples.” That sort of thing. Shots 11-20: Speed Friending: After every two shots during this segment, switch conversation partners with each other. Shots 21-30: Telephone: As things get a little hazy, play an ongoing game of childhood telephone. If the chain is broken, everyone must take an extra shot. Shots 31-40: Trust Falls: Just like in camp, find out which of your friends would somehow catch you if you fell backwards off of a cliff. Please do this one on the carpet. Shots 41-50: The Name Game II: Electric Boogaloo: Did you forget those names and their corresponding likes? Give out an extra shot to those who screw up the chain. Shots 51-60: Two Truths and a
NICOLE of MURPHY’S
Relationship Status: It’s Miller Time Major: Kinesiology Favorite Drink: Beer -- lots of it Favorite Shot: Blowjob shot Disgusting Drink: Malort. It’s meant to be absolutely disgusting. What’s the best back to school drink?: Angry Balls What song are you most excited to hear 1,000 times the first month of school?: “Rather Be” by Clean Bandit Give us a bit of U of I-specific advice for incoming freshmen: Don’t poop yourself. What is, like, so 2012?: “Call Me Maybe” What would you trade for two more weeks of summer?: All the Yakarma. Who is your mortal enemy, and what malicious rumor would you like us to spread about them?: Jared Hourigan -- he was bribed with sexual favors by the male staff at White Ho to leave Murphy’s. If you were Spider President for a day, what kind of tarantu-laws would you enact?: Attack the freshmen. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I like black things, if you know what I mean.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER BACK-TO-SCHOOL BREAKFAST BAGELS
Lie: Since you’ve reached the point of drunken gullibility by now, this one should seriously screw some people up. Shots 61-70: Charades: Team up with a buddy and see how well your friends can act out words with impaired motor capabilities. Shots 71-80: Would You Rather…?: No matter which horrific, painstakingly difficult to image scenario you pick, everyone is sure to fall off their chair laughing. Shots 81-90: True or Dare: Consider this the most scandalous ice breaker ever conceived. This late in the game, you can bet your ass that both dares and truths are going to be dark as all hell. Shots 91-100: Secret Handshakes: You did it! If you’re still hanging on by this point, devise one secret handshake with a buddy. You’ll need all 10 minutes to get it down. The Game Ends When: The 100 minutes is up and you had the pleasure of meeting new people or seeing your friends in an enlightening new light. Or if two once-strangers start making out in front of everyone.
Weeeell here we are again, kiddos, the beginning of a brand spanking new semester. For you uninitiated freshies out there, welcome to Recipe for Disaster, a series of weekly college food recipes even a blacked out Gordon Ramsay wouldn’t dare concoct. Since a lot of you first-timers didn’t know better to opt out of 8 a.m. gen-eds, most of you are going to have to learn to become morning people… and fast. The best part about this morning meal is that it won’t cost you (but probably your parents) a dime, since all of the ingredients can be found at your local dining hall. Upperclassmen can join in on the fun, but the expense of buying all of these items separately will probably drive you straight back to your classic “two pieces of bread with a dab of cooking oil in between” breakfast combo. What You’ll Need: 6-pack of bagels (if you settle for plain, drop from this university immediately), packets of cream cheese (again, plain = “get the f*ck out”), bacon, eggs, sausage patties, assorted jam packets, hash browns, and literally anything else you can sneak out of the dining hall. Fatty Factor: There’s a “freshmen 15” joke in here somewhere. Let’s Get Baked: - Garb yourself in tracksuit-like attire/large overcoat with deep pockets and use your first meal credit to enter the dining hall. - Nonchalantly stash away the aforementioned ingredients wherever you can stuff them. Only experienced stashers should use anatomical cavities. - Sneak past the card swiper and head back to your dorm room (we guarantee that the swiper will not care.) - Layout a bagel and a half as if you would a triple-decker sandwich. Toasting is optional, but certainly recommended for those who aren’t certifiably insane. - Begin adding desired stolen spreads. Remember, you’re in college now, meaning that no one is around to tell you what’s weird and what’s not. Daddy says mixing cream cheese and jelly was weird. The Black Sheep says to douse that shit. - Build your breakfast sandwich with your proteins, eggs, and starches. - Use one of the thousands of Ziploc baggies your nervous-wreck-of-a-mother supplied you with for easy transportation. - Realize you’re already five minutes late for your first lecture, say “to hell with it” and enjoy your sandwich while kicking back to Netflix. There’s no reason why this feat can’t be more easily accomplished within the confines of the dining hall. But then again, that means you’d have to talk to people… and NO ONE wants to talk in the dining hall.
BOOZE REVIEW Gran Centenario & Casa Noble Añejo Tequilas Grades: A & B+
THE “MEX”
in Tex Mex really pulled through during the last weekend of the summer thanks to Uncle Tex Mex’s generous offering of two super premium tequilas straight from the motherland itself. While Patrón and Jose are fun to slam down every once in a while, sipping on a heavily aged añejo tequila is about as classy as a college student will get when it comes to hitting hard liquor. While your wallet might disagree, here are our thoughts on two tequilas that needn’t be followed with disgusted wincing and sucking the soul out of a lime. Smells Like: Both have the same crisp aroma that seductively teases your nose saying, “Shh, it’s ok, sugar… so long as you’re with me, it’ll be your heart burning up for me, not those beautiful nostril hairs.” Tastes Like: Casa Noble has a little bit of a spicy, habanero-heavy kick to it that’ll give those lips a slightly distasteful pucker. On the other hand, Gran Centenario? That goes down with the ease of filtered water and the decadent smoothness of freshly-tapped maple syrup. But like, if maple syrup came from Mexican blue agave leaves.
Tex Mex Wrote This
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Typical Drinkers: The epitome of “that one cool uncle,” craft beer enthusiasts looking to give domestic plebs yet another reason to make dated “hipster” jokes, people looking to give up salt and limes for Lent, Americans
wanting to sound cool by pronouncing “n” like “ñ.” User Comments: “Wow… I’m usually driving my teeth into both my salty arm and a lime by now.” “I feel like I just unearthed Excalibur.” “No vomit so far. That’s a good sign.” “I guess I can add this to my ‘list of liquors I can enjoy completely straight’ alongside whiskey now. That’s not good.” Best Described as an Entirely Predictable Song: “Tequila.” Except this time it doesn’t have to be on an Unofficial playlist. What Your Hispanic Father Would Say if He Saw Your Drinking This: “Eres un hombre ahora, hijo. ¡Odelay!” Food Pairing Suggestions: Arrachera with tortillas, cactus, stuffed jalapeños wrapped in bacon, arroz rojo, chips with medium or hot salsa (mild fans need not apply). You’ll Like This if You Like: Having the chance to actually express your legitimate enjoyment of a tequila shot without disingenuously nodding to your friend before high-tailing it to the bathroom. We Mixed it With: Nothing, you sacrilegious buffoon.
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How U of I’s Quad Day Stands Up Against the Movies Winnie Bago Wrote This
Walking on the Quad feels like you’re in a movie. Big brick buildings line the green grass, students play Frisbee over others taking a nap in the sun between classes, and RSO’s hopelessly attempt to sell out-of-season baked goods in front of the Union. But on Quad Day, the centerpiece of campus is chaotic, packed with lines of people moving at snail speed in hot weather. How does U of I’s Quad Day compare with Quad Day’s in the movies? The Black Sheep dissected 4 movies to find out. Monsters University: The students in Monsters University look much more colorful and tentacle-y than the students at U of I, but Quad Day looks largely similar. Tables are set up along the Quad for a debate team, improv club, and art club. There’s even a one-eyed monster saying to “keep your eye on the sky” with the astronomy club. If you see him at U
of I’s Quad Day, he’s not a monster: He’s a homeless man named Jim and he wants your change. There’s something more subtle, though, that’s identical to U of I: small slips of paper passed out from every club. Mike Wazowski gets a slip for the Scare Games. What Monsters University doesn’t show you is that Mike lost that slip of paper, along with a thousand other slips cluttering the bottom of his backpack. He’ll only remember that slip of paper when he receives spam in his inbox from the hundreds of clubs he signed up for on Quad Day, forcing him to regret his enthusiasm. Verdict: Monsters University beats out U of I for two reasons. First, Monsters’ Quad Day looks way less crowded. Even if it was, most of its students have wings, helping them to beat the lines. Second, the university is full of monsters. It’s full of one-eyed, one-horned, flying, purple, beer-chugging monsters.
Pitch Perfect: There are tables, signs, and clubs desperately pleading for new members. Pitch Perfect even has creepy swim team guys in Speedos, just as there are creepy Speedo-dressed swimmers in baby pools on the U of I Quad. Another similarity is the a capella options. U of I has the Xtension Chords; Pitch Perfect has The Bellas. Most of the people who pass by the a capella tables can’t carry a tune in a bucket, but there has to be an Anna Kendrick strolling somewhere around U of I. Verdict: Pitch Perfect wins simply because of Fat Amy. She alone could have the most popular table on Quad Day. Her personal anecdotes and revolutionary workout routine of horizontal running would captivate freshmen on Quad Day for hours. Plus, Pitch Perfect seems way more inclusive than U of I with its DJ, AKA Deaf Jews, booth.
Legally Blonde: Law School Quad Day is not nearly as fun and light-hearted as U of I’s undergraduate Quad Day. Law school doesn’t allow for a lot of extracurricular activities in general, and that’s bad news for Elle Woods. When she goes to Harvard Law School’s Quad Day, she quickly realizes her social events schedule is missing from her welcome kit. When she asks about mixers, formals, and beach trips, her Harvard welcome guide seems confused. The guide replies, “There’s a pizza welcome lunch in 20 minutes. Does that count?” Verdict: As much as we love pizza, a pizza welcome lunch is not as good as U of I’s Quad Day. No Slack Line Club? No 1867 Society? No sororities and fraternities filling the South Quad? No thanks, Harvard Law School. Accepted: S.H.I.T. Quad Day has a much different ring to it than U of I Quad Day. The South Harmon
Institute of Technology is a not a real university, even in Accepted, but the university is based on Quad Day principles: learning what you actually want to learn about. Sure, it’s not traditional, but it allows for ultimate creativity. Want to learn how to cook? No problem! Get in the kitchen and learn from your peers. No more fitting in cooking classes in your spare time at the ARC. Make it your full-time class at S.H.I.T. Verdict: Sorry Accepted, but U of I wins. Accepted may allow you to join clubs run by Lewis Black, but there’s a huge problem with S.H.I.T.:
Don’t break up by phone. Do it in person.
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It’s not a real university. Attending S.H.I.T. lets you have Quad Day year round, but graduating without a real degree is much worse than the lines and heat endured at U of I Quad Day. So, while U of I definitely has several characteristics of its Quad Day down pat, there’s plenty of room for improvement. Namely, glee club-frenzied monsters and Anna Kendrick should distance our Quad Day from our loser contemporaries in the Big Ten network. Next, we’ll see how U of I parties stack up against the ones in Animal House and Old School.
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Phyllis Wise Converts New ECE Building into Personal Mansion For the past year the university has been constructing a new building to house the Electrical and Computer Engineering department. The cost of the construction will total about $71 million, not including the additional money to furnish the classrooms, offices, and labs. In order to outfit the interior, the ECE department set up a virtual store on their website where donors can purchase items such as chairs and tables. Benefactors can buy items such as $400 metal stools (apparently welded from Adamantium) and $350 chalkboards (slates of compressed meteorite rock). Wealthier donors can choose to buy an entire faculty office for $10,000 (with gold wallpaper flecked with whale bone powder and an immeasurable number of student tears) or even a simple $5,500 bench ( just particle board, surprisingly. The cost comes from the sawdust of thousand year-old Sequoia trees).
University officials started to notice several anonymous purchases were originating from the same IP address. A spokesperson said, “At first, we just thought one gracious alumnus was being overly generous. Eventually, furniture started to be delivered that wasn’t on the list from the website.” Deliveries of beds, couches, and armoires soon followed the plethora of chairs and tables which were listed on the site. After several more deliveries, the building was fully equipped to house dozens of people, complete with kitchens, showers, and home theatres. Students assumed that the building was going to serve as a place where they could stay for days at a time while intensely studying signal processing and Fortran code.
ECE building for student and faculty use, therefore, instead of abandoning a several-million-dollar project, the building has been converted into a house for Chancellor Wise,” the statement read. Students and self-righteous Internet activists set Twitter ablaze with antiWise hashtags. Not a single person predicted this turn of events. “I honestly didn’t think students could ever be angrier at Chancellor Wise than they were about the snow day,” one student said. “Never have I been so wrong.”
Students and faculty alike were in for a shock when the anonymous benefactor announced through the Chancellor’s Blog her true intentions.
Chancellor Wise attempted to defend her decision by explaining how the construction on the building went wrong and the building isn’t “safe enough” for student use. However she concluded that she is “willing to take the risk of living in the building to keep students out of harm’s way, and to prevent any more cost to the university.”
“An irreversible building code violation prevented the completion of the new
Wise continued to make her case, saying publicly that she was “taking one
for the team.” To the untrained eye, the building appears perfectly fine on the outside. According to an official email from a university building inspector, the building is “in danger of collapsing any moment” and “The Chancellor is truly brave for stepping up like this.” No one is more surprised than our
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own President Easter who admitted that he “mentally checked out” months ago, and didn’t know about the Chancellor’s decision.” One thing’s for certain, students cracking jokes about Chancellor Wise relaxing by her two-story fireplace won’t be deemed hyperbolic come the next “snow day.”
The Black Sheep Interviews:
Champaign Mayor Don Gerard Heavy Metal Krist Wrote This
To help provide guidance for new students on their exciting new journey at U of I, we went straight to the authority of all things Champaign – figuratively and literally. City of Champaign Mayor Don Gerard was kind enough to answer a few questions for The Black Sheep about himself, campus life, keeping students safe, and the most important question: Which Champaign newspaper is the coolest?
The Black Sheep: First off, why don’t you introduce yourself to new students? Mayor Gerard: I am the Honorable (seriously...I earned the title with the gig) Mayor Don Gerard of the great city of Champaign, Illinois. I am three-and-a-half years into my first term, one of MTV’s “Top 5 Musicians with Political Cred” and I hear those who register to vote as soon as they get on campus are most likely to succeed both academically and romantically. No, really... oh, and I have a Wikipedia page, so have at it, kids! TBS: Some unenlightened folks might think that because you’re mayor, you’re just a political stiff. Can you dispel that myth? MG: Gosh, where to begin? I sometimes do a little standup comedy, mostly knock-knock jokes and bits about municipal electric aggregation and storm water maintenance. I am technically in a band called The Self-Righteous Brothers, but I am thinking about changing the
name to “Oats, the Other Guy From Wham!, Garfunkel and Sons. (sic)” I also enjoy fondue, long walks on the beach and appointing individuals to boards and commissions. TBS: Tell us about your extensive musical background and the thriving music scene in Champaign. MG: Champaign is an amazing town for the arts, especially music. Lots and lots of opportunities, and if you are good, you’ll find ‘em. I played in a bunch of bands of which none of you know. I also had the honor of once playing a song with REO Speedwagon (that’s a band your grandparents like). I’m friends with Ryan Adams, but I haven’t met his wife, Mandy Moore, yet. I am not a DJ. Like I said, I have a Wikipedia page. TBS: As a proud alum of the university, tell us about your college experience. Do you have any tips for incoming students to make the most of their time at U of I and in Champaign?
MG: I would not recommend emulating my college experience; however, Campustown and Champaign have changed so much. We really have the world here in so many ways — from food to culture to music to fashion to art... it really is an amazing place to be if you take the time to look around a bit. Oh, and, by the way — when I was in college there were no video cameras pointed at the Alma Mater, so, if you’re thinking about shenanigans, know your grandma might see it on the news. TBS: Many new students have a limited knowledge of the City of Champaign that stems from what they’ve seen on Fighting Illini sports broadcasts and campus tours. As mayor and lifelong Champaign resident, what should they know about the city in terms of its history, culture, and other points of interest? MG: Save a few bucks and grab a bus downtown (the MTD is part of your student fees... ride ‘em often). It is an
INTERVIEW Champaign Mayor Don Gerard amazing place and every business is local. There are awesome coffee shops, farm-to-fork restaurants, great bar food, super-fancy-schmancy offerings... also, get out to a few parks. Our Second Street Basin features some wonderful features right in the city. Take any opportunity to go run around out at Allerton Park... check out websites like SmilePolitely.com and, of course, follow me on Twitter. TBS: The first question many kids have when they come down here is, “What’s there to do for fun?” So tell us, what do you do for fun around here? MG: What do you like? We have it. Great music venues, art galleries, athletic facilities, parks... check out the Champaign Center Partnership and Visit Champaign for events — Pygmalion Music Festival, Ellnora Guitar Fest, movies on the Quad, and concerts in the park.
“ [Champaign] really is an amazing place to be if you take the time to look around a bit.” TBS: Some students may think, whether it’s based on experiences in their hometown or what they heard from past U of I students, that the cops in Champaign and on campus are “out to get them,” for partying or going out; however, you’ve said before that you’re genuinely looking out for the kids and trying to keep them safe. Can you elaborate on that point a little more for the benefit of the freshmen? MG: During my tenure — by the way, I am also the Liquor Commissioner — I have seen an impressive change in the dynamic between the Champaign, Urbana and Campus Police Departments. All three chiefs are fairly new to their leadership roles and they put an emphasis on community policing practices. I do my best to dignify the students and treat them as adults... and, in turn, expect them to return the favor by behaving responsibly. It is a challenge
to keep the peace in a growing city with an enormous student population, but I think we’re doing a better job all of the time. Please know we want you to be safe. TBS: Let’s dive in to the political realm for a second. What can students do to be politically active on campus? Are there any important current issues they should be aware when they arrive to campus? MG: I would suggest reading the student newspaper and keeping an eye on the Illinois Student Senate and Student Body Elected Officials. We have tried to really re-think how we approach Unofficial and appreciate the students who get involved and take ownership of the event. One needn’t build a shanty town on the Quad (as my college roommates did to oppose Apartheid in South Africa) to have a voice or make a difference. Whether you want to lobby Campus Rec to build a skateboard park or have strong opinions about racism, pollution, women’s rights, legalization of recreational substances... there are groups in town which will be happy to get you involved. And one always does well to invest in the community. I always suggest U of I students find a way to get involved with youth in our community. There are a lot of kids who could do well to have mentors or just someone to play kickball with them. Visit www. CUVolunteer.org for more on ways to give back. TBS: Do you have any big upcoming plans for the city we should be excited about? MG: I am really thrilled at the Micro-Urban dynamic we’ve developed on campus and downtown. With all of the new student housing on Green Street and the fact the MTD is ranked seventh in the U.S. for public transportation, I hope we get some cars off campus and see more of a “big-city” lifestyle for students. I am certain the area around the Second Street Basin will be spectacular someday soon. I also like how (Athletic Director) Mike Thomas is getting out in the community to create a lot of excitement about Illini sports. A second term project might also be to get back on that idea of building a minor league baseball stadium and getting an affiliated team here. TBS: Which bars and restaurants on campus do you heartily endorse? Are there any in particular that are your favorites? What off-campus bars and restaurants do you recommend new students check out? MG: I like most all of them, but, I confess I think Joe’s has the best burgers, Boltini and Big Grove are my favorite spots downtown, Golden Harbor is amazing and most any locally-owned coffee shop is worth a visit. Black Dog BBQ is amazing, as Maize is some of the best Mexican food you’ll find anywhere. The Blind Pig has two authentic English Pubs downtown and classic
neighborhood bars like the Brass Rail and the Esquire (peanuts!) are fun to visit. The High Dive is one of the best live music venues around and Jupiter’s has great pizza and full-sized pool tables. TBS: Besides Campustown, what other parts of Champaign do you encourage new students to explore? MG: I’ve pretty much covered Downtown and Midtown, I guess... grab some friends and borrow a car and head to the Harvest Mood Drive-In or down to Arcola to the Great Pumpkin Patch as well as the Amish farms and businesses. There is an iMax in Savoy, and Champaign hosts Roger Ebert’s Film Festival at the Virginia Theater downtown (and get a picture sitting with Rick Carney’s amazing sculpture of the renowned writer and critic). TBS: What’s the coolest newspaper in Champaign? MG: Why, of course it is The Black Ship! ..wait...sheep? Sure. That one. There you have it, Mayor Gerard has bestowed upon us the official Mayoral Stamp of Approval. Score one for The Black Sheep! Follow Mayor Gerard on Twitter: @DonGerard and check out his Facebook page at: www.facebook.com/ChampaignMayorDonGerard
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THE SCARY SSSSNAKES CROSSWORD Across: 1) Named after a common house pet, M’eow? 5) The Joakim Noah snake. 6) This snake is named after something smaller and squirmier; think bird food. 7) This one commands legions of loyal followers with its cool hood and venomous bite. 8) A bride-to-be may wear one of these bad boys on her leg. 9) Flex this big bad snake after you get pumped in the gym. 11) These snakes ain’t seein’ shit. 14) This rattler shares a symptom with many a stoner. 16) Kobe Bryant nicknamed himself after this snake.
4) Blue plus yellow and you have yourself this kind of snake. 5) A creatively-named snake with black stripes. 10) If this snake was a chess piece, it could move one space in any direction. 12) Pop on some feathers and wear one to the fanciest ball in town. 13) Kind of like slippers, but more Native-American, we suppose. 15) This snake shares a name with something found in the Great Barrier Reef. 17) We’re guessing this snake doesn’t do a body good.
Down: 2) Ice Cube and Jon Voight once starred in a move featuring this fearsome Amazon constrictor. 3) This snake loves one of them southern boils with tiny lobster cousins.
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THE BACK TO SCHOOL MADLIB The alarm on your phone sounds the same, but the sun is in the wrong side of the sky—you’re used to waking up at __1__p.m., just in time to begin sipping __2__ with the __3__ back home. No more, though, you roll out of bed, throw on whatever doesn’t smell like __4__and head out for the first class of the new semester. It’s __5__, right? No, wait, is it __6__? And where the hell is __7__? You’ve been here __8__ years and you’ve never heard of the place. And then, yeah, of course the line for coffee at __9__ is as long as a __10__. Waiting for your __11__, you see __12__, who you used to bang, but totally didn’t call before you unceremoniously left town last spring. You stealthily duck behind a guy wearing a __13__and you go unseen, you glorious bastard. Finally at __14__, you search frantically for Room 225, which, of course is not on the second floor. Stumbling in, smelly, late and hate-filled, you realize that this isn’t __15__ at all, it’s __16__. You stand stunned. Did, you… uh…sign up for this class? The professor stares at you, __17__. Whether this is your class or not, you __18__take a seat in the front row. Sipping your beverage, you silently admit to yourself it’s going to be a long semester.
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CLUE BANK 1) Time 2) Delicious summer beverage 3) Slang for “friends” 4) Gross-smelling thing 5) Class you’re taking 6) Another class you’re taking 7) Academic building 8) Number 9) Favorite campus coffee place 10) Long thing 11) Coffee order 12) Person 13) Silly kind of hat 14) Same as 7 15) Same as 6 16) Bad class to take 17) Emotion 18) Embarrassed adverb