The Black Sheep
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Vol. 23, Issue 2
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
8/28/13 - 9/4/13
The Black Sheep INvestigates:
The smoking blow dart BY: Tex Mex
Ever since last week’s blowgun incidents, it’s safe to say that the quiet plains community of Champaign, Illinois hasn’t been able to rest without batting an eye, which is a dart’s natural prey. Normally when tragedies like this occur, it is the long upstanding custom of the crack team of writers here at The Black Sheep to chortle at the event, ignore the Crime Alert mass email, drink, and then write a week-late article with cringe-inducing one-liners. But let’s face it: There is a maniac on the loose who has gotten his hands on archaic, centuries-outdated weaponry, and just like most centuries-outdated man-made tools, that scares the living shit out of us. So much like Internet vigilantes and armchair investigators who inevitably make everything worse, we decided to take sleuthing matters into our own hands.
We began considering our usual round of suspects when it comes to crimes within the Champaign-Urbana area: a cracked-out Green Street bum, former Illini Football Head Coach Ron Zook and Bigfoot. However, given the circumstances of this peculiar situation, we couldn’t rule out the fact that an Amazonian Warlord or a time-traveling John Wilkes Booth could have also pulled off the attack. Right off the bat, our suspect line-up seemed luckily narrow enough to find our perp in a matter of approximately 800 more words. Nevertheless, we needed to figure out how these potential blowgun masterminds were able to even gain access to blow darts considering this country’s heavy anti-blowgun policies (thanks, Obama). Using a digitally enhanced image of one of the darts we “borrowed” from the Champaign County Police Department, we found the words “PROPERTY OF SPURLOCK MUSEUM” engraved on the dart’s body. It seemed strange to us that a blowdart from our own alma mater would be used in such a heinous and grizzly crime… or did it? After the campus smoking ban legislation was passed last school year, rumors surfaced that the Chancellor would be limiting more student rights by outlawing blow-
activated weaponry on campus (taking away our right to bear near-obsolete arms like our aforementioned socialistpig-of-a-president). It became clear to us that the collegiate government may have concocted this brew of debauchery as an inside job, much like Pearl Harbor, the sinking of the Lusitania, JFK’s assassination and just about everything else that has happened in American history as influence by the New World Order and J.P. Morgan. With our noses trailing the scent of public university corruption, a first for the
fine state of Illinois, we proceeded to rule out or keep subjects in the game based on their access to Spurlock Museum. If the University was going to open the debate on blowgun control by staging this shebang, then it was our duty as pseudo-journalists to solve the shit out of this caper. Campus LARPing communities depended on it. Thus, we were immediately able to rule out the cracked-out bum as a suspect. No Green Street bum would go as far as to actually ransack buildings for a contract crime when drunk college kids and hopelessly confused international
page 5
page 9
Band Director Sells Instruments, needs more ruffles in shirt
The Top 10: Regrets You'll Have During College
Underground clarinet sales no longer go unnoticed.
You'll find there are way more than just 10.
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students are more than willing to send a buck or two their way. The rest of the suspects, however, weren’t getting off so easily. Zook, being a former Illini affiliate, could have legitimate access to the building, and we didn’t think breaking into the glass case would have been an implausible feat for brute strength players like Bigfoot and our Amazon Warbird. Since we’d already suspended our disbelief for John Wilkes Booth’s often overlooked disregard for the space-time continuum, we figured that he pretty much had a blank check as far as breaking the laws of physics goes. continued on page 19
page 10 What it Means to Be "That Guy" Sure, he's quirky, but weird people need friends, too.
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>> Table of Contents << page 6: Beckman Joins Illini Football as a Walk-On >> The Coach takes things into his own hands.
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page 8: The Fantasy Freshman League >> Live vicariously through freshmen students in our fun new game. page 15: On the Streets >> U of I students' thoughts on being a mermaid. page 16: Bartenders of the Week >> Mary and Bryan both love a good ol' body shot. page 16: The Drinking Game and Recipe for Disaster >> Typical Saturday night with frat parties and pizza. page 17: Booze Review >> Dr. McGillicuddy's Intense Root Beer earns a D. page 18: Navigating the MTD for Incoming Freshmen >> We're only looking out for you. pages 20-21: The Least-Anticipated Albums of Fall 2013 >> All worth pirating and not actually spending money on.
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page 23: Senior Portraits: The Climactic Finale of Dreaded School Photos >> One more big smile and then it's all over.
Meet The Staff Managing editor Katelyn Lilly Copy Editors Sean Neumann, Austin Gomez Advertising Managers Megan Hambleton, Megan Rivera Writers Katelyn Lilly, Sean Neumann Austin Gomez, Becky Jacobs, Grace Haka, Richie Owens, Sam Dewey, Sam Caravette, Scott Gantner, Mike Benson, Brian Barsotti, Patrick Filbin, Dan Mirabelli
Marketing TEAM Sam Oberholtzer, Zareena Meyn, Lillie Kase, Jessica Nianick, Peter Caruso campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers Quinn Myers
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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#goodtimes Word
Lamention The sad moment the morning after a hard night of drinking in which one person recalls an embarrassing, forgotten memory to another person. “Rebecca’s lamention of Sandra’s dance floor pee party caused Sandra to lock herself in her room for the rest of Sunday night.”
of the
Dear Future Employer, I've been seeing a lot of posts on Facebook lately that The Black Sheep is looking for people to join the staff. Let me tell you that I am a very responsible and dedicated person who would make a great addition to the team. I've also been told that I'm pretty funny. Are there any other skills needed to apply? Sincerely, Confident Applicant Dear Ass, It takes a lot more than your friends thinking you're funny to make it with The Black Sheep kids. Our application process alone is a rough ride, and IF you make it through that, you have the rest of the school year ahead of you. Our writers go through an intense series of hazing that makes any of that Greek shit look like first grade finger painting. The most dreaded of the tasks consists of 10 sticks of Big Red gum, a cheese grater and a dully-lit room full of old Daily Illini issues. Yeah, it gets real. And even after you've earned your right to stay on staff, there's the tireless hours of work and the manure to sift through each week. Then there's the weekly fish fry and monthly pancake breakfasts... So go ahead, apply. I dare you. It's a lot more intimidating than your average unpaid internship. But once you're in, you're a blood brother for life. Later, Kitty Kat
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Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UIUC and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
A duo of divas, likely to release “Justify My Love to Love You Baby.” Last Week’s Answer: Harvey Milk and Cookies
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Band Director Sells School Instruments to Buy More Ruffles in His Shirt By: Jupiter Stevens University of Illinois band director Dr. Robert Rumbelow resigned this week after being accused of selling school instruments in order to buy fancier clothes and pamper his royal reputation. The band director was caught making an exchange last Tuesday night near Crane Alley in Urbana. Reports claim that the former band director was attempting to trade a clarinet for a brand new pair of stainless steel cufflinks emblazoned with his initials. Rumbelow refused to take a mugshot following his arrest because he was not dressed in proper attire, and he believed that the photo of him in “peasant attire” would “bring shame” onto his father and his father's father. The 48-year-old was forced to stay in prison until he made bail. Wearing just a petty, velvet robe, Rumbelow moaned that if he ran into any noblemen, his reputation would be tarnished. “Don't you know I'm a bah-nd director?” Rumbelow enunciated. “If Prince Harry of Wales is to see me at this moment, how will I explain my disrespectful garments?” The arresting authorities also reported that Rumbelow refused to drink any water not in a chalice or directly from a spring. “He slapped my hand and demanded I kiss the back of his,” Officer Granderson said. “I ... I mean ... I had to ... he IS the BAND director after all.” Rumbelow reportedly told police that he wasn't intentionally pocketing the money he made from selling the instruments, but merely just wanted to buy more tassels for the band members' hats. “Everyone
knows the more tassels your band has, the better they are,” Rumbelow scoffed. “I mean, if they want to be a joke, then I won't get them any more tassels. Then that’s their problem.” University officials are said to be scrambling to find a new band director for the Marching Illini season. President Robert Easter was seen visiting multiple equestrian farms and wine vineyards looking for suitable applicants. “If we don't have a musical connoisseur to lead our band, then the Marching Illini will be the laughing stock of all the Big Ten bands,” Easter complained while trying on a crown in a local jewelry store. “If we can't find anyone respectable for the position, then maybe an imperial figure like I, Robert Easter, must take over.” When asked if he actually knew anything about directing a band, President Easter replied saying, “Well ... come on. Everyone knows you just wave your hands around and shit. You don't actually have to know anything about music.” President Easter revealed that even Rumbelow had never really gone through musical training and had never actually learned an instrument before. “We just found him at the opera one night, wearing a monocle,” Easter explained. “When I mentioned my love for Beethoven, he corrected me saying that Stravinsky was the better composer, so I knew right then that he was the right man for the job.” But now that Rumbelow has resigned, the self-proclaimed Prince
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of Champaign's future is in question. “I guess I could just go back to collecting rare literature and sailing,” Rumbelow said quietly. “But they'll ask me to come back. I mean, I am Sir Rumbelow, Leader of the Bands. They need me.”
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Beckman Joins Illini Football
as a Walk-On
By: Benny Boy
When the sun rose over the Fighting Illini practice field last Monday, players believed early practice would be just like any other. They began their routine as they do every morning, with the defense doing some laps around the field and Scheelhaase going over new plays with offensive coordinator Bill Cubit. After an hour of exercises, head coach Tim Beckman had not yet arrived at practice.
strategy. Last night, after I took my nightly four-hour bath, I decided to break out my old uniform and playbook from when I played with the Washington Senators. If my old plays are going to work, I must act as both coach and player to ensure that my vision is carried out.” Beckman then told Scheelhaase to “grab some bench” while he assumed the position of quarterback.
“That wasn’t really out of the ordinary,” Cubit said. “Usually we’ll begin practice without Coach Beckman here and he’ll eventually emerge from his office an hour or two after we start with disheveled hair and glassy eyes. It’s been rumored that he sleeps in his office every night, but at this point we really just don’t know.”
The first play that Beckman wanted to run was called the “23 Skedaddle,” a running formation, as Beckman noted, that when he wrote it, forward passes were considered trick plays. Whatever hope that inspired Beckman to suit up that morning was immediately crushed as the play failed in tragic fashion. When the ball was snapped, it struck and jammed Beckman’s finger, causing him to yelp and fumble. By this point, the players on both sides were merely miming a scrimmage as they watched their coach do a panicked 360 spin while looking for the ball. After locating the ball, he picked it up and quickly tossed a lateral pass to the side, which missed its mark and rolled lazily out of bounds.
However, this particular practice would be quite different. For when Beckman emerged from his office he was wearing full pads and helmet, wheezing as he hustled his way over to the team. “He was wearing one of those old-fashioned leather helmets,” Cubit said. “At first we thought he was joking, but then we realized that there was no humor in his eyes. Only a deep, crushing sadness.” As multiple players report, Beckman then announced to the team that he would be a part of the organization as both a coach and a player. “As you can probably tell,” Beckman was quoted as saying, “there are going to be a few changes around here. What we did last year was unacceptable and now we need a drastic change in
“It was after this play that Beckman really lost it,” running back Josh Ferguson reports. “He marched himself about fifteen yards away from everybody and began screaming at himself. He would say something like, ‘What the hell was that?’ and then turn his head thirty degrees to reply, ‘Sorry sir, it won’t happen again.’ This kind of conversation went on for about a minute before he was interchanging incomprehensible screaming and quiet whimpering with
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himself. It was very off-putting to witness.” Players spent the rest of practice running their regular drills as Beckman sat off by himself pulling up grass with his hands. Out of curiosity, a few coaches on the sideline picked up Beckman’s old playbook to discover that it was entirely blank except for his name and phone number on the inside cover and a heading that said “Secret Plays” at the top of the first page. It seemed that a play had been jotted down in pencil underneath the headline, but had since been erased. By the end of practice, both players and coaches were fearful about the fate of their season with Beckman as acting quarterback. Luckily, Beckman caught himself dipping during the last minutes of practice and gave himself a thirteen game suspension.
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The Fantasy
Freshman
League By: Scotty G.
There's a brand new crop of freshmen roaming around campus. We see them throughout the day and instinctively reflect back on the time when we were mere freshmen ourselves. We remember the good times we had, the times we’ll never forget, and the times we’ll never remember because jungle juice ain’t just Kool Aid. On the whole, our memories of freshman year are positive, but it’s hard to quantify. We can’t go back to do it again, but we can play a meaningless game to mimic what it might be like! Much like the millions of failed athletes who play fantasy football, we too can vicariously live out our pursuit of the perfect college experience through the new freshman class. Here’s how you play Fantasy Freshman: Gather a group of 10 friends and stand in the center of the Quad, arranging yourselves in alphabetical order. The first freshman to walk by your group is assigned to the first person’s team. Make sure to get his name and phone number (this will be important later). Then, the next freshman to walk by is assigned to the second person’s team and so on, until each person has a roster of 13 freshmen. Each week, you and your team will face off against a friend’s team. Think of your freshmen as Pokémon. You and your friends are Ash, Misty, Brock and whoever-the-hell else came on the show after the original saga. Your job is to use the right Pokémon at the right time. You wouldn’t send a Hitmonchan to fight a Gengar. Use your brain. You will select 9 of your 13 freshies each week for your starting lineup. That’s where the fun starts. You (Ash) and your opponent (Brock) set your lineups by noon each Monday. Ash’s number one freshman faces off against Brock’s number one, Ash’s number two matches up with Brock’s number two, and so on and so
forth. At the end of the week (midnight on Sunday), whichever freshie earned the most points wins his/her match-up. If your team wins five or more of the nine match-ups, you are victorious and improve to 1-0. “But wait, how can my freshman earn points?” you ask, stupidly. By living the best goddamn college life possible. They will rack up points for succeeding and lose points for failing across multiple aspects of life. If your freshmen do any of the following, the corresponding point values will be added to their total: Academic: 5 points: Received an A on a midterm/final -9 points: Received an F on a midterm/final -1 point: Slowly nodded off, then snapped their head back in class Social: 8 points: Got a date to barndance 3 points: Played on an intramural sports team 14 points: Played on a club sports team 25 points: Played on Division I sports team 9 points: Received a bid to join a fraternity/ sorority 9 points: Decided not to join a fraternity/sorority -12 points: Actively rushed a fraternity/sorority and didn’t get a bid 1 point: Fake 19-year-old ID accepted -10 points: Fake 19-year-old ID rejected 20 points: Fake 19-year-old ID passed off as 21-year-old ID -4 points: Puked at rush party -6 points: Puked in class 9 points: Puked and rallied -11 points: Puked and rallied and puked 18 points: Puked and rallied and puked and rallied Sexual:
3 points: Hooked up with a complete stranger 2 points: Hooked up with a friend from high school 9 points: Hooked up with a TA 15 points: Hooked up with a professor -1 points: Hooked up with a janitor Financial: 13 points: Hired as a researcher/TA by professor 18 points: Hired as a bartender/barback/doorman/bouncer 50 points: Hired as a writer/marketer/distributor for The Black Sheep Street Smarts: -2 points: Got lost on their way to class -4 points: Got lost on their way to the bar -15 points: Got lost on their way home from the bar 6 points: Confidently gave directions to a lost stranger 7 points: Confidently gave incorrect directions to a lost stranger Important side-note: If two freshmen who are facing off happen to hook-up with each other during the week they are playing, both teams are awarded a victory. Unimportant side-note: Going out of your way to encourage these hook-ups to happen might slowly turn you into a moneyless pimp ... or just a great wing-man. We have a hard time distinguishing the difference. Check your state’s legislation on the legality of prostitution regardless. And there you have it! Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? The whole money-wagering part is up to you to decide; we already did the hard work for you. Just hope you don’t get any total dweebs.
The
Top
Ten
Regrets You’ll Have at College By: Kitty Kat
You will do a lot of stupid things during your time at U of I, but of course those poor decisions are always the most fun and memorable. Here are 10 regrets freshmen are bound to have by senior year. 10.) Losing and Re-gaining the Freshman 15: Because the people at the ARC are gonna judge you like crazy if you can’t hold your own on a treadmill. That place is full of so many meatheads and ripped chicks; it’ll be a little intimidating to get in there and work off the weight. So stop while you’re ahead and put down that corndog at the Ike.
9.) Not Rushing: Because on this campus, if you’re not in, you’re no one. And every year older you get, the less they’ll want you. And because it really sucks waiting in line at Joe’s with no one to namedrop in VIP. 8.) Deciding to Live in Urbana: Because those streets are something out of a horror movie. It’s only a good idea if you’re antisocial and okay with being chopped up into a million bloody little pieces by your creepy neighbor. Otherwise, play it safe and stick to the Champaign side. 7.) Thinking That Frat Guy Was Cute: Because then he’ll pull down his pants, and it won’t be so cute anymore. It’ll seem like he’s being sweet and genuine, but he’ll only be interested because your tits are falling out of your shirt. Don’t fall for it. You’re better off going after dudes at the UGL. 6.) Trying to Keep in Touch with Your High School Crush: Because chances are she was only a six and not ready to put out on a regular basis. That’s the beauty of Bromley—big rooms, private showers and hot, newly-inducted Greek girls. Get it. 5.) Buying Textbooks Every Semester: Because you’ll never be able to pinpoint the one time they actually came in handy. Everything you need to know is on Google now, and the Union Bookstore sucks at giving refunds. It’s just not worth the effort. 4.) Eating Jimmy John’s at 2 a.m.: Because you could have had Drew’s Pizza instead. Come on, a $5 pie filled with grease, cheese and the “chef’s” mustache hairs? Talk about local flavor. Drunk food will never be good for you, so don’t fool yourself with that vegetarian Unwich. 3.) Thinking You Know Your Limits: Because you don’t. You will learn. But for now, you don’t know. 2.) Considering The Red Lion the Be-All End-All: Because there are other options that don’t involve horny freshman boys stalking your every move. It may come as a surprise, but there ARE other bars in Champaign. Don’t worry, The Red Lion will always be there waiting for you. But don’t be afraid to branch out a bit. 1.) Not Going Out That One Night: Because that will be the night Eric face plants onto the curb outside Brother’s and Amanda starts a twerk battle in the middle of Green. And you’re going to miss all of it. You only get to see the Facebook pictures like every other nerd who stayed in. Remember, that the next morning hangover will always be worth it.
09
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What it means to be "that guy" By: Brian Barsotti
During your first week back at school you’ll notice at least one eccentric fellow in your new classes. He’ll have a number of bizarre personal traits that make him stand out from the crowd right away. It may be his Ren & Stimpy backpack, he may eat grapefruit in the front row each day, or maybe he preaches about eternal damnation on the Quad. Well, that guy fits a certain archetype known as “That Guy.” That Guy is weird, and not in the mild “my friends and I can be so weird sometimes” sense. No, That Guy is more than that: he’s way out in left field. That Guy is the kind of guy who uses duct tape to repair rips in clothing. He’s like Cosmo Kramer, except less racist. And there are quite a few of ‘em roaming the world, so if you happen to run into a That Guy, here’s roughly what you should expect: That Guy looks over the fire escape map of each building he steps foot in. It’s sort of a hobby of his. That Guy practices Mario Party by himself. That Guy goes to Kam’s all the time, but just to use the ATM. That Guy’s favorite band is Dexys Midnight Runners. Everybody knows Dexys Midnight Runners for their song “Come On Eileen,” but That Guy owns all of the LPs, singles, compilations and bootlegs ever produced from this one-hit wonder. He doesn't even consider "Come On Eileen" to be one of their better songs. That Guy reads the business section of The News-Gazette for fun. That Guy hosts parties, but the only entertainment he provides is Risk and Tiddlywinks. Somehow, though, his parties always turn out to be some of the most popular in Urbana. That Guy has no strong opinions on Justin Bieber. That Guy lost his virginity before receiving his first kiss. Whenever people say that they “know a guy who knows a guy,” they’re referring to That Guy.
That Guy flosses his teeth every day. That Guy reads instruction manuals before starting projects, so that he knows exactly what he’s doing beforehand. He’s also not afraid to ask for directions when lost in the Armory. That Guy spends much of his spare time attempting to make new inventions, despite having no formal background in engineering. That Guy has memorized the list of all the people who've ever served on the University of Ilinois Student Senate. That Guy refuses to have sex with a woman, no matter how beautiful she is, unless she’s seen every episode of Twin Peaks. And even then, he has strict standards. That Guy goes to Hooters for the wings. That Guy thinks the South Quad is, in fact, the best quad on campus. He also enjoys taking exams in Noyes. That Guy’s most cherished movie is Bio-Dome. He watches it three times a week. That Guy is a real character, but he’s definitely not the type of character you’d feel comfortable around. He’s more the type of character who warrants a restraining order, although he technically hasn’t done anything wrong yet. Unfortunately, many people are stuck with a “That Guy” in their lives. You could very well have one in a class of yours, or worse yet, as your new roommate. And if that is indeed the case, then maybe it’s best to just deal with it. Learn to appreciate That Guy’s unconventional antics. Who knows? Perhaps we do need That Guy in our lives to show us what life is really about. After all, life isn’t about following social etiquette and always wearing clothes. Life is about having fun and going against the grain and That Guy is just the guy to remind us that. So the next time you hear somebody get told, “Oh, you’re THAT GUY,” you might want to follow his example. Even if he is being an ass.
If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
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Monday 9/2
MASON JAR MONDAY! Pub Quiz Starting at 9PM! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts, $3 Double Wells, $3 Double Jack and Double Soco, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles, $2.50 1800 Tequila
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm Followed by the MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY HOUSE BAND! $1 Drinks! $2 Slices from Manolos! $1 Cover!
$2 U CALL IT
Retro Monday, FREE! DJ Mingram spinning the best 80s and 90s tunes $1.50 Domestic Bottles, $2 Well Drinks
Tuesday 9/3
CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts, $3 Import Drafts, $2 Shot of the Week, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles, $2.50 1800 Tequila
THE PIANO MAN Returns! Shay is back on the keys playing all your favorites! $3 Real Long Islands, $1 Cover
WINE NIGHT $8 BOTTLES OF WOODBRIDGE WINE $8 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $2 WELLS
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
Wednesday 9/4
$0.15 Wings: 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles, $2.50 1800 Tequila
Tix now on sale for shows with: Krewella, Aaron Carter, Jamey Johnson & more!
LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 LONG ISLANDS $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS $2 SAILOR JERRY $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
The BarGrid Page 2 of 3
DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
SATURDAY! GAMEDAY - Open at 9pm Serving Breakfast! $2 Orders of Pancakes & Bacon, $2 Mimosas! ILLINI vs SIU - Noon
MONDAY: $3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich
Wednesday 8/28
KARAOKE & MUG NIGHT! YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 PINNACLE VODKA, $2 SAILOR JERRY SPICED RUM, $2 TULLAMORE DEW, $1 SHOTS $3.99 BUFFALO CHICKEN & CHIPS 4PM-10PM
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe
Thursday 8/29
BEARS vs BROWNS 7pm College Football Kickoff Minnesota vs UNLV 7pm NC vs South Carolina 5pm Half Price Whiskey, $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Long Islands
Friday 8/30
$3 Three Olives Vodka $3 Ceurvo, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Vegas Bombs, $6 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries (All Day)
Saturday 8/31 Sunday 9/1 Monday 9/2
Thursday: Risque Thursdays featuring Gant-Man and Zebo $5 advance, $8 at the door
joesbrewery.com for food menus, private parties and applications
FRIDAY & SATURDAY: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's, Check us out for lunch or dinner!
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef
Risque Thursdays feat. Gant-Man and Zebo $5 advance, $8 at the door
$3 Smirnoff, $2 Bud Light Drafts, $2 Jager Bombs
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich
DJ Delayney at 9pm $4 Double Wells Free Before 10:30 with Student ID
$3 Jim Beam, $2 Pinnacle Punch, $6 Pitchers of Orange Shandy
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
GAMEDAY - Open at 9pm Serving Breakfast! $2 Orders of Pancakes & Bacon, $2 Mimosas! ILLINI vs SIU - Noon
Catch Every Game at Guido's!
De Noche Free Salsa Class at 9pm Salsa dancing until 2am! $6 Beer + Shot, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum and Cola
$3 Bacardi, $2 Bacardi Shooters, $6 Pitchers of Lunch Box
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
$2 ANYTHING NIGHT! (Every Liquor Shot /Any Beer) $3.50 BLOODY MARY BAR $2.99 FULL ORDER OF BEER NUGGETS ALL DAY
$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
BYOB! Build Your Own Bucket 5 Beers for $11, $2 Jager Bombs
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich
DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card
Be a Pirate...$2 Blackbeard, $2 Bud Platinums, MNJ
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
$2 Blue Moons, Tequila Tuesday and all the 90's you can handle!
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's, Check us out for lunch or dinner!
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
Half Price Appetizers 4PM-10PM
$2 LONG ISLANDS, $2 CRUZAN RUM, $3 ALL CRAFT BOTTLES & DRAFTS, $2 SAUZA SILVER TEQUILA SHOTS, $15 BUD HYDRANTS
Tuesday 9/3
TIME WARP TUESDAYS! $2.99 CHEESEBURGER & CHIPS 4PM-10PM HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $6 BUD & BUD LIGHT PITCHERS $2 WELLS, $2.50 SOCO $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS
Wednesday 9/4
KARAOKE & MUG NIGHT! YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 PINNACLE VODKA, $2 SAILOR JERRY SPICED RUM, $2 TULLAMORE DEW, $1 SHOTS $3.99 BUFFALO CHICKEN & CHIPS 4PM-10PM
$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt $3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe
$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken
19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm
$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots
A Higher Standard of Living! Prices Starting at $450/room
CAPSTONE QUARTERS
1901 LINCOLN AVENUE | 217-367-7368 | CAPSTONEQUARTERS.COM
CONDOMINIUMS The BarGrid Page 3 of 3
KAM'S Come join the Logo Mug Club and enter to win a Pub Neon (Starts Sept. 4th)
SATURDAY: Reverse Block Party! - Open at 11am $1 DRAFTS! ILLINI vs SIU at 11am
Every Day! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes
Logo Mug Night: 9/4 Miller Lite Bears & 9/11 Rolling Rock $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs
BUCKET NIGHT $4 JIM BEAM BUCKETS $4 PINNACLE VODKA BUCKETS $4 CRUZAN RUM BUCKETS $2 SAILOR JERRY DRINKS
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Wed. 8/28
Mustache Night!
$2.50 Corona, Stella Artois, Heineken 2.50 Skyy Mixers $5 Jameson & Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Orchata
SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV VODKA $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS $2.50 BUD BOTTLES $5 24oz SHACKERS
Burger Night! $4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it $2 Soco Lime
Thursday 8/29
Absolut Friday! DJ Delicato at 10pm, Beat the Saluki’s Party $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt. Cans, $3 Jameson Shots $1.50 Mickey’s Bottles, $5 Hamm’s Pitchers
BIG FRIDAY! BIGGER IS BETTER! $5 BIG 32 oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms
$3 Pub Stout & Batch 19 $7.50 Rolling Rock Pitchers $2.50 Wild Turkey & Bacardi Mixers, $4 Jager Bombs
OPEN AT 5PM $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES $1 BURNETT'S WHIPPED VODKA $3 JIM BEAM, $3 JAGER BOMBS $4 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it
Friday 8/30
ILLINI FOOTBALL! ILL vs So. ILL 11am, Open 7am, PreGame Party with the BUD GIRLS 8-11am, $2.50 22oz Bud Lt. Drafts, $2.50 Illini Cans, $4 UV Blue Guys, $5 Jager Mary’s $4 Bombs, $4 Jim Beam & Red Stag Free Shuttle to Game, Bloody Mary Bar, DJ Dash 10pm
Solo Cup Saturday! Solo Cup Specials $1 Baby Bombs
$2.50 Killians, Leinies, Third Shift & Shock Top Pints, $2.50 Bacardi Mixers, $5 Jameson Irish Whiskey Doubles
Reverse Block Party! Open at 11am $1 DRAFTS! ILLINI vs SIU at 11am
$4 Pitchers, $2 U Call It
Saturday 8/31
SUNDAY FUNDAY! DJ TBA $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
Trivia Starts Sept. 4 @ 9pm $6 PBR & Hamms $2.50 Wells (U-Call It) $4 Pub Bombs
Book your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our Event Planners at CochraneParty@gmail.com or Call 217-722-9000
$1 U Call It
Sunday 9/1
MONDAY NITE KAM’S “Get it All Here” $2 U Call It, $1.50 Miller Lite Punch Top Cans
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
$3.50 Guinness, Smithwick’s $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle Vodka Mixers
MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS $2 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 RED BULL VODKA’S
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
Monday 9/2
Country Nite “Drink in Your Mason” $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles, $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts $1 Cinerator Shots, Country DJ Upstairs, House DJ Downstairs, Wear Your Dukes & Boots, Win Hats & T’s
School of Beer $2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
$3 Blue Moon + Red’s Apple Ale Pints, $5 Jim Beam Honey Barrels, $2.50 Dr. Shots
$2 UV VODKA $1 SHOTS (SHOT MENU) $3 BUD LIGHT 24oz TALLBOYS
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
Tuesday 9/3
Platinium Wednesdays Bud Girls! Win Cubs Tickets $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers $4 Bacardi Buckets
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night: 9/4 Miller Lite Bears & 9/11 Rolling Rock $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs
BUCKET NIGHT $4 JIM BEAM BUCKETS $4 PINNACLE VODKA BUCKETS $4 CRUZAN RUM BUCKETS $2 SAILOR JERRY DRINKS
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Wed. 9/4
Mustache Night!
SPECIAL NIGHT
SATURDAY! ILLINI FOOTBALL at 11am, Open 7am, PreGame Party with the BUD GIRLS 8-11am, $2.50 22oz Bud Lt. Drafts, $2.50 Illini Cans, $4 UV Blue Guys, $5 Jager Mary’s $4 Bombs, $4 Jim Beam & Red Stag
Platinium Wednesday Kickoff Bud Girls! Win a Fridge & Bud Cooler $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $2 Bacardi Drinks $4 Bacardi Buckets Klub Kam’s featuring “INDUCE” $5 KamIslands, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Lite & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Redd’s Bottles, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots Glow Sticks & Great Dance Music
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
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Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets If you were a mermaid, would you rather have your top half or your bottom half be a fish? p h o m o re Jake R., So
“Top. The ladies have that fishy bottom half already figured out.”
nior Eddie L., Se
“Top, unless I can transfer my penis into a fish penis … then bottom.”
per Senior Bryan F., Su
“Bottom—easier to get a man with tits and a tail than gills and toes.”
15
Bartenders of the Week
Mary of
Joe's Brewery
Relationship Status: Single and ready to mingle Major: Searching for a trophy husband Favorite Drink: Red-Headed Slut Favorite Shot: Body shots Disgusting Drink: Anything from Kam's You'll celebrate Labor Day with what in your right hand?: A vibrator If a superhero movie was made about you, what would be the villain's name?: Luke Henry (GM) What college-level class are you most qualified to teach?: Finger Painting 101 If you could have something named for you after you die, what would it be?: Something off of the Cracked Truck Who is the sexiest Supreme Court Justice?: The black one What's your favorite old-school slang term?: H.A.G.S. Which "sexy" celebrity disgusts you?: Bill Cosby Good beer or bad wine?: Sex What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done in public?: Nothing embarrasses me Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I'm in it, duh.
Drinking Game
Bryan of Kam's
Relationship Status: My balls are in a jar Major: Advertising Favorite Drink: Blue Guy Favorite Shot: Off a body Disgusting Drink: Anything served by Red Lion If a superhero movie was made about you, what would be the villain's name?: The Cock Block What college-level class are you most qualified to teach?: Human Sexuality 101 If you could have something named for you after you die, what would it be?: Aircraft carrier, The USS Luna Who is the sexiest Supreme Court Justice?: Judge Judy … I mean, come on What's the worst thing you've ever put in your mouth?: A Red Lion shacker What's your favorite old-school slang term?: Dingus Which "sexy" celebrity disgusts you?: Red Lion Poop Girl What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done in public?: Driven a Beetle Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s a good read for the shitter
Recipe for disaster
Frat Party Observations
Oven-Baked 50-Cent Pizza
This week you will encounter a phenomenon that primarily happens at the beginning of the school year. There will be hundreds of them, and they will all suck as much as the next one. We’re talking, of course, about frat parties. You will go to them whether you want to or not, and you will smell like expired, Keystone Light-infused sweat for weeks. To cope with the madness, try this game.
Sometimes you really want pizza but can’t justify spending another $10 at Papa John’s for the third time in a week. That’s okay! Here’s a solution: 50-cent Day Old bread from Jimmy John’s and a couple supplies from the kitchen.
What You’ll Need: Beer, a party, and frat bros and sorority sisters to stare at. Number of Players: One (this game is a bit anti-social and creepy.) Level of Intoxication: Varies from house to house.
What You’ll Need: An oven, a loaf of Jimmy John’s Day Old Bread, one jar of your favorite pasta sauce, shredded cheese, veggies (onions or peppers), garlic, oregano, and chicken/pepperoni/sausage/all of the above Cook Time: 20 minutes Fatty Factor: It’s not the best…
How To Play: - Find a place inside a house where you blend in just enough so some kid wearing an obnoxiously fluorescent “FRAT FRAT FRAT” tank won’t approach you. - Get yourself a couple beers so you don’t have to constantly go over to the tub of pneumoniainducing ice water. Now look. Really look at what is happening at this gathering and drink when: - Someone continues to play beer pong with the ball that has been rolling around the same floor the pledges had to piss all over the night before. - A helpless girl is crying for no apparent reason (there will be four or more). - You spot Sperry Topsiders (if they are a
chalky shade of blue or green, finish your beer). - You witness dancing that would have been illegal 30 years ago. - King “Player” and his “princess for the night” won’t stop sucking face. - A girl in the corner on her phone asks, “Lindsey, where are you? Why did you leave?” - A girl comments on how disgusting the bathrooms are (bonus drinks are encouraged if you politely remind her that she’s in a freaking frat, not her grandparents’ lake house). - When a dude comes up and asks, “Who do you know here?” - That one guy—who clearly practiced flippy cup in his garage all summer by himself— wins the third game in a row.
The Game Ends When: The tub runs dry. Then it’s off to the next house!
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Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. - Slice your loaf of Day Old to your desired length and open it up so it lays flat. - Layer your toppings on the bread like you would on a pizza, starting with the sauce, the cheese and any chopped vegetables. - If you’re adding any meat on top, cook it if necessary (either on the grill or in a skillet). - Put your meat on top of the pizza bread and sprinkle on some garlic and oregano. - Place the pizza on a pan and into the oven for 10-15 minutes or until the cheese is melted and the bread is crispy. You can basically toss anything onto this bad boy and it’s guaranteed to be delicious. Plus, your bank account will love it.
nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com
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Booze Review Dr. McGillicuddy’s Intense Root Beer
Grade: D written by: Kitty Kat
When you’re over the flavored vodka phase and feel like whiskey is gonna be too hard on your tummy for the evening, you’re in a difficult spot when it comes to selecting a pregame beverage for the night. That’s where Dr. McGillicuddy’s comes in. Or so we thought. Dr. McGillicudy’s Intense Root Beer seemed like something easy enough to take shots of and fun enough to mix. Although the best thing to mix with it would probably be cream soda, it’s not like liquor stores just have that stuff lying around. So instead, we grabbed a small bottle of Diet A&W, but we were wrong to think that we even needed a chaser. Sure the shots were sweet and simple to swallow, but the fun sorta stopped there. You could take 10 of them in a few minutes and not feel any of the effects of the 21% alcohol-by-volume kicker. It tasted too much like popsicles and a high school garage party to really get you anywhere, earning itself a D for just being so... so-so. Typical Drinkers: People who don’t like the taste of alcohol but want to say they’re drinking to look cool, old men in saloons, The Daily Illini staff members during initiation. User Comments: “Is it wrong to mix this with milk?”
“Are you sure you didn’t accidentally pour me a shot of just root beer?” *takes shot* “Oh, that’s it?” What Your Parents Would Say if They Saw You Drinking This: “Why are you being such a little pussy, son?”- Dad “Why are you being such a little pussy, son?”- Mom An Apt Anagram of “Intense Root Beer”: Beerier Tone Snot Best Described as a Rap Lyric: “Plus I got two white sluts down to blow me/Can’t you see I’m floating, like root beer in ice cream.”-Ab Soul, “Pineal Gland” You’ll Like This if You Like: Highly anticipated events that end in disappointment, like the time Sally let you touch her boob; Getting cavities filled by a hot dentist. Food Pairing Suggestion: A piping hot cheeseburger with all the fixings, and a large basket of french fries. If you still have room, a strawberry shake with a cherry on top. Mmm, the 50s seemed like a much simpler time, what with saturated fats and the daily fear of nuclear annihilation.
mixing center: Try pairing it with cream soda or a scoop of vanilla ice cream
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Navigating the MTD for Incoming Freshmen By: Daniel As a bright-eyed incoming freshman from the Chicago suburbs, I had never ridden a public bus in my life. On Move-In Day 2012, I was unwittingly thrown into the sometimes-confusing world that is the MTD. And unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, you’re going to need to use it at some point. To help stop you new kids from making the same mistakes I did, here are some tips on how to navigate our fantastic bus service. First of all, we all know that the first weeks of school are hectic with Quad Day, Rush, movie nights and a bunch of other bullshit that you’ll never care about or go to. Hell, the whole year is hectic, but there will be times you just can’t find a spare moment to shower or brush your teeth. Since everyone’s in the same boat, it’s totally acceptable to not be your freshest when stepping onto the bus. We’ve all had those benders when we don’t shower for three or four days straight; it’s a fact of life. So don’t be ashamed if the dude sitting across from you is gagging in your general direction or if his eyes are bleeding from your murderous stench. Never be afraid to ask a bus driver to wait for your friend who is running down the street a block or two away. They’ll gladly wait and everyone on the bus will be thrilled to have gained a new seat buddy. We all know that time isn’t money, so why not wait a minute or two? Bus drivers know this; they’re very understanding people—especially in the wee hours of the night when you feel like you’re one step from puking your guts out. They’ll gladly take you back to your dorm of choice and hold your hair as you ralph outside the bus. And if there isn’t a bus around, the SafeRides drivers are even more understanding.
Know that people love it when you strike up a conversation with them on the bus. The 7:45 a.m. ride from PAR to Loomis is always brightened by a chipper conversation and lots of laughs. The hangovers just melt away when you hear a lively conversation as the sun rises over the Quad. And don’t let headphones dissuade you from talking to someone. Chances are they have nobody to talk to and are just waiting for someone to come along and make their day that much better! Yeezus can wait; a mentally stimulating conversation on the bus cannot. Don’t worry about not being able to stretch your legs on the bus. These pieces of transportation are a lot more high class than the coach section of an American Airlines flight. Trips from the Ike to the Union during lunch are always spacious due to the MTD having more than enough buses to cover the busiest parts of the day. The MTD strictly enforces bus maximum capacity due to safety reasons, so packing into buses like sardines in India is never an option. With that said, the 220 Illini is always running when you need it. So when you wake up from shacking down in Champaign and need to make your way back to the home base in Urbana on Sunday morning, you won’t need to make that dreaded walk of shame. Chivalry is always in action on the MTD, and it is an unwritten rule that guys give up their seats to girls. In fact, if there isn’t enough room on the bus, it isn’t uncommon to witness guys exiting buses and walking to class so girls don’t have to go through the trouble.
Besides chivalry, safety is the MTD’s number one concern. That’s why they suggest you use their transportation at night for a quick and painless trip home. A positive for the MTD is the fact that the buses have blow dart-proof windows. Because of the recent rash of blow dart attacks by a depraved individual on the streets of Champaign, the MTD has replaced all their windows so you can avoid getting a dart in the jugular. Or a bullet when you’re out east of Lincoln. Furthermore, drivers are very careful with who they allow on the buses, so you don’t have to worry about rubbing elbows with the homeless and shady characters! Buses are townie-free zones, which means that the possibility of being mugged drops significantly when you step foot on the bus. Hopefully you are completely prepared for what’s sure to be a delightful experience with the MTD! In four short years you’ll be gone and unable to bask in its glory, so soak it all in.
Continued from the cover However… after watching Brendan Frasier’s cult classic Encino Man on Blu-Ray, we realized that the Amazonian Warlord, much like a thawed-out caveman in the early 90s, would have endured a catastrophic mental breakdown due to centuries-apart cultural differences and Pauly Shore. We figured that John Wilkes Booth would have suffered the same fate, but we mostly crossed him out due to a rapidly declining comedic interest in the character. After ruling out all but two suspects, we knew it was time to inspect the location and time of the attacks. The first incident happened at Fourth and John at 8:25 p.m. and the second at First and Springfield an hour and 45 minutes afterward. Looking at our pizza and coffee-stained map, it would be impossible for a creature such as Bigfoot to traverse that distance without being caught by a rebooted Unsolved Mysteries camera crew. Similarly, Zook wouldn’t be able to leave his banking job in Ocala, Florida in time to make it for both attacks since Gateway Bank’s standard business hours run until 6:00 p.m., and he hasn’t worked there long enough to get any days off. Therefore, we can deduce the previously unthinkable: A second shooter had to have been present. While we thought we had things figured out with the obvious dynamic duo of Bigfoot and Ron Zook, Benny Boy sputtered at the top of his lungs, “WAIT JUST AN OVERLY-DRAWN-OUT-LAZY-PARODY-OF-CSI MINUTE…” Our fearless former editor then took out a red Sharpie, struggled to keep his eyes aligned with the lines he drew, and revealed an ominous triangle that conjoined the points of the attacks at Fourth and Springfield, the intersection where County Market exists. This got us thinking. We were dealing with something far more complex than a mere university administration set-up. Rearranging the letters of “County Market,” we found one result particularly interesting, reading “Monetary Tuck.” Given that the landmarks coagulate to form a triangle and that the word “monetary” had arisen from the supermarket name (we had no idea what to do with “Tuck”), it became clear to us that this entire scheme may have been organized by none other than the Illuminati. And who would contract the Illuminati, you ask? Why, surely, someone with enough money and influence to cause the Freemason bastards to turn their heads in excitement. Someone who holds a special, damned place in his heart for the University of Illinois. Someone who would easily be able to find the funding to crack open a state-of-the-art display case. Funding that perhaps accumulated over the years from being rejected by a university who refused to accept him as an alumnus of some embellished sense of nobility. Someone who couldn’t stand the site of the Illini Media Building being sold to the highest bidder, all that time as a Daily Illini cartoonist all for naught... Ladies and gentlemen, the pseudo-blowgun massacre was carried out by Illuminati assassins contracted by the “luckiest-sonofabitch-in-the-world” as rated by fratstars nation-wide and original Playboy, Hugh Hefner. As if being a multi-millionaire surrounded by scantily clad and topless woman wasn’t enough,
it became beyond evident that the gutless geezer still had a few bridges to burn just shy of launching a full-scale war on the University. And with the army of passive aggressive Daily Illini faculty he’d presumably been amassing after being relocated to the basement of Papa D’s, there was no questioning what inevitable crimes against humanity he and the fascist Illini Media empire would commit next. Hefner had to be stopped, and just as we’re the best imposter investigation team around, we’re also the best impromptu special task police force. You can thank us later, Champaign.* *At the time of this article’s publication, The Black Sheep investigation squad attempted to apprehend the assumed culprit unbeknownst to him. The tussle was stopped when Champaign County Police arrived stating that a cracked-out Green Street bum had, in fact, conducted the attacks and was “infuriated” that he was written off less than 400 words in. We would also like to report that, for an 87-year-old man, Mr. Hefner packs one hell-of-a-punch. The Black Sheep apologizes to both Mr. Hefner and those we graciously deceived, but cannot guarantee that this won’t happen again in the near future.
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The Least-Anticipated 2013 has been a fantastic year for music. With great new releases from Youth Lagoon, Chance The Rapper, Vampire Weekend, Pity Sex, Major Lazer and The World is a Beautiful Place & I am no Longer Afraid to Die, you would hope the final third of this year of our lord has something great in store.
Hall of Fame Big Sean - August 27th Big Sean is a dickless hack who pairs a massive ego with miniscule rhymes. Dude raps like he has a mouth full of wind chimes and his best song has a Nicki Minaj verse on it. Big Sean is on that CyHi level on G.O.O.D Music where you just wonder why the hell Ye’ still keeps him on there, but at least CyHi has “Ray-Ban Vision” and his verse on “So Appalled.” Big Sean’s claim to fame is the phrase “ass quake.” Next time someone tells you that the Detroit mixtape is one of the best albums of 2012, break their jaw. Big Sean thinks his verse on “Control” (which won’t even be on the album) was better than Kendrick’s or Jay Electronica’s because Big Sean is the EXACT type of pompous jackass who would read how much praise someone besides him is getting on a song he’s on, jealous about the pub, then he says he’s better. He’s the guy who not only will jump off the bridge if everyone else is doing it, but he’ll jump off the Ambassador Bridge, claim that it was cooler than everyone else who jumped off the Golden Gate, and say that anyone who disagrees is a hater.
Prediction: Certified Platinum
Speaking of taking a plunge, Big Sean needs to find a void to fall in, never to return to plague us with rhymes as lame as “Now we out in Paris, yeah I'm Perriering / White girls politicking, that's that Sarah Palin.” Every day, nursing home geriatrics take shits hotter than the best Big Sean verse out there. This album is going to absolutely suck, yet will go platinum, making it a commercial success but an absolute waste of musical talent surrounding Sean Michael Anderson. Not even production from arguably the hottest producer out right now in Hit-Boy, who created the beat for “Goldie,” “N***s in Paris,” and “Clique,” can save Big Sean from audibly tripping over his own feet trying to pronounce a word with more than two syllables.
From Here to Now to You Jack Johnson - (September 17th) Everyone listening to this album will be too stoned or too stupid to realize that Jack Johnson is the worst. Every single Jack Johnson song sounds the same. That sentiment gets used often in music, but never has it been quite so apt. Seriously, go put on Jack Johnson Radio on Pandora or something and try to figure out when one song ends and another begins. We’ll wait. Oh you fell asleep already? Sorry about that. We need another Jack Johnson album like we need another Olive Garden. The parallells between the two are eerie. There are already plenty, and they're all perfectly mediocre and should never be utilized by sentient beings, yet there’ll always be someone convinced to go back for the breadsticks. Or something like that. The next album has just about zero chance to be any different. If Jack Johnson suddenly becomes something other than generic shitty stoner guitar music, it would cause a rip in the space-time continuum, letting in massive terrifying, spliffed monsters that would demand all of our couches and all of our Cheetos. If he drops something that’s not bland guitar and soft vocals, we’d be more frightened than impressed. Expect more of the same, unfortunately. Maybe he will just re-release “Banana Pancakes” and stretch it for like 45 minutes. That’s probably better than whatever this will be.
Prediction: Certified OG Kush
Albums of Fall 2013 Unfortunately, you would be wrong, as there is plenty of music scheduled to be released that is sure to be nothing short of an atrocity. Here are the five albums I’m least excited for in the Fall of 2013. By: Noel Purcell
Nothing Was the Same Drake - September 24th
This Is...Icona Pop Icona Pop - September 24th
Untitled Fourth Studio Album
Fucking Drake. He still has that same monotone drawl that lulls you to sleep, and that same boring, lazy flow that makes him perfect in every generic white girl’s sex playlist on Spotify, nestled in between The Weeknd and “Burn” by Usher. The evolution of Drake has been commercial rather than musical, because in the end he is still exactly what he was when Best I Ever Had dropped in 2009: a soft, shitty, whiny fuckboy.
Man, “I Love It” was a fun song for like ten minutes, wasn’t it? It started getting serious play after being featured on episodes of both Snooki & JWoww and Girls, which is as bad of an omen as there is. It was catchy and fun and easy; it was basically the perfect piece of pop music. Then you heard it another fifty times, and after a while a chorus of sorority girls screaming “I DON’T CARE, I LOVE IT!” and hounding you to change the song for three hours haunts your dreams and you wake up in a cold sweat, longing for the days where you could just say “sorry we don’t have the CD burned for it yet.” This is a song whose single release, in various formats, has produced no less than 21 different remixes. 21. Talk about sucking the fat teat of fame dry.
There is no more boring, yet more universally praised album in 2010 than The Suburbs. “But it won a Grammy!” you say as we laugh in your face because using a Grammy as a measuring stick for the merit of a piece of music is like using the 30-inch rims on a guy’s Escalade as a measurement for his dick size. Remember, LMFAO has two Grammy nominations. Cut it out.
Between the overrated, overstated, and wholly underwhelming cryfest that is Take Care and the absolute trainwreck that is “Started From the Bottom” (a song so soft that white bread suburban teenagers sipping bottles of Moet poolside while the maids clean the house took to it like ducks to water) the odds that we end up with anything more than a Charmin Ultra Soft disc’s worth of music is merely wishful thinking. The album covers don’t bode well for this thing not sucking. That shit looks like what you’d get if you told someone to make a Drake album cover specifically designed to make fun of the other Drake album covers. He took the Nas/Biggie/Weezy route of the baby picture and then, in classic Drake fashion, made it the absolute softest and most uncool shit humanly possible, but 17-year old white girls will be all “Oh my god he’s so sensitive, this is what all hip-hop should be” while they finger themselves to pictures of Matthew McConaughey, watch Gilmore Girls, and search Pinterest to design their dream wedding. Drake has officially earned the crown of the lamest rapper on the planet.
Prediction: Certified Double Platinum
Icona Pop is perfectly harmless as a synthpop duo, which is exactly why we’re not anticipating this album’s release. They say they’re trying new things and that it “Won’t be an album of 16 songs like ‘I Love It’,” which is exactly where they are messing up. True, they caught lightning in a bottle, and true Charli XCX (who was the reason “I Love It” was as successful as it was) is not a permanent member of the band, but if you can make quality, catchy pop music, stick to it. In the end they can either end up as a generic one-hit wonder that more or less encapsulated the spring of 2013, try something new and probably fail, or they stick to their strategy make another successful, catchy pop song. They don’t seem to want to do the last one, so this album will be the beginning of perpetual dissatisfaction for the entirety of the life of this band.
Prediction: Silver Record
Arcade Fire - Oct. 29th
Now, there are plenty of reasons one should be anticipating this album. LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy has been in the studio with Arcade Fire, recording them in his DFA studio! Funeral was really good! Win Butler does cool things with his hair! Wrong, oh so wrong. Pouring hype into this album will just leave you utterly disappointed when you hear 22 songs that sound like “We Used to Wait,” causing you to give up all hope in what you used to call indie music. Before you know it you’ll start listening to Lady Gaga religiously. Arcade Fire is the go-to “real” band for faux hipster girls who like to wear Indian headdresses and roll at MGMT concerts. It takes a lot to make Wayne Coyne think you’re an asshole, and these guys found a way. Enjoy what will surely be a universally-panned, yet ultimately completely mediocre piece of profitable “indie” rock, while you pretend you know who Brian Eno is. This album is going to eat a dick.
Prediction: Certified Platinum
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Senior Portraits: The Climactic Finale
of Dreaded School Photos By: Jecky Bacobs Before the beginning of every school year, senior students receive a notification about upcoming class photos. That’s when the moans and groans and new Polo shopping occurs for many people who have suffered a life wracked with terrible school pictures. However, this year, The Illio forgot to include an important senior portrait manual with said notification to inform students about new photography techniques. Luckily, the rough draft of the photo guide was found in the dumpsters behind the Illini Media offices on Green Street. This extensive guide tackles everything from the click of the camera to a yearbook’s role in future employment. Some speculate the guide was eliminated due to budget cuts; others assume it was simply forgotten by mindless Illini Media employees. Either way, each guide came equipped with a new “paparazzi” feature. The paparazzi are meant to follow students around, capturing their true life during their last year of college. To reduce expenses, parents are encouraged to purchase personal ads in the back of the college yearbook, wishing their baby luck through eternity, with side ads showing interest in a date for Moms Weekend. The paparazzi, a.k.a. Thornton Studios, assure students that school photos are nothing new. Each school photo prior to senior year of college prepared students for their shining moment. No more braces or feathered hair. Now is the time to bleach those teeth and pretend you actually wear teacher-color lipstick every day.
While the paparazzi capture day-to-day life, there are still eight to ten poses available for more conservative souls, such as the classic plain backdrop, graduation gown scene. Students can appease parents with a traditional picture where a graduation cap pinned perfectly on the back of a head prevents a triangular Avatar forehead. The graduation cap and gown aren’t the only backdrops available. Popular backdrops include a Maxim Hot 100 beach setting, a Vegas poker table with the word “winner” flashing across the top, and the number one choice, Grandma’s Kitchen. Grandma’s Kitchen includes scrunchies, cookies and baggy clothes from the 90s. Despite multiple photo options, some people still get camera shy. Long forgotten are the stuffed animals that pedophile mustache photographers used when you were an infant. Now diplomas and checks are waved behind camera, instantly drawing out perfect smiles. The guide even includes what to write in your buddies’ copy of The Illio come graduation. Forget leaving phone numbers and plans to see each other over the summer. But be wary, there will always be that one asshole who writes H.A.G.S. (or H.A.K.A.S. for the particularly ballsy). Instead, The Illio urges students to get creative with their messages, as this is the last time you’ll see 99% of your classmates. Suggested lines include: “You may not make money after col-
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lege, but at least you beat teen pregnancy!” “Good luck with life and stuff.” “Want to make a pact that if in 20 years we’re both still single we’ll have a baby together?” The guide claims the cost of the entire portrait package is the least of students’ worries. Rather than just paying by the conventional methods of cash, check and credit card, “buried treasure” is also an accepted payment. Finally, that metal detector big box stores included on college shopping checklists will finally come in handy. Instead of focusing on cash, focus on what your future employer will think of your photo. As The Illio explains, “Photos are from the chest up, so from the
waist down you can wear whatever you want. The result is you’ll still have one picture you won’t be embarrassed to show your employers.” Do away with resumes; send employers your senior photo instead. They’ll understand why you did once you tell them it only cost a little bit of buried treasure. Efficiency and craftiness are valued as highly as photogenic employees. Now reader, realize that while this article is satirical, there is some factual material. What is enclosed in quotes came directly from the senior photo page on The Illio website. We promise. Bring your under dressed booty, lots of loot, and a smile to senior photos. Say cheese, Illini.
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