Illinois - Issue 2 - 1/30/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

FR RAN EE... DOS LIKE DUR SNU ING GGLI A P NG W OL A R V ITH OT E X.

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Vol. 24, Issue 2

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

1/29/14 - 2/5/14

UNIVERSITY IMPLEMENTS DRESS CODE: TACTICAL GEAR BY: UIUC STAFF Public universities nationwide will begin enforcing a new dress code requiring students and faculty to wear tactical gear at all times on campus. The policy, which will go into effect next fall, will require each student and teacher to wear bullet-proof vests and S.W.A.T.-like military style helmets when on university grounds. “We really feel like this will make things work a lot more smoothly when the inevitable ends up happening,” University of Illinois Chief of Police Jeff Christensen said. “Now it's fairer for all parties involved in what's now become an American pastime.” Students at universities across the country said they support the new policy, with most pointing out it will eventually prove to be effective once “that quiet kid in SOC 100 fucking snaps.” “He's definitely my top pick for being the first one in here to go crazy,” sophomore Carey Hennigan told reporters as she picked out her favorite style of tactical boots. “It's like, just take a look at him. He's clearly a fucking psycho. He doesn't talk to anyone and he's always reading books and shit. Typical psycho.” Most students aren't worried about their safety now that the new dress code has been introduced, but instead, they must face the troubles of going through class with their new uniforms. “A bullet will be no match for these twelve-pound helmets,” senior Emily Wilmont said, behind the shield of her facemask. “I mean, I can barely read or see any of the lecture slides, but at least we'll be safe!” Wilmont, who hasn't physically attended a class at the university since her freshman year, said it's an emotional relief now that she can sit in a lecture hall without having an escape plan. Professor Paul Braun is excited to see his classes' attendance sky-rocket, with students being able to show up without concealed pocket knives for self-protection. “I knew my lectures were killer, but I mean, sometimes it got a little crazy,” Braun laughed. “It's a little challenging to clip my microphone on my collar with this vest on, though.” Braun said he realized it was a logical step to take for the future of American students and the education system. “My wife and I just had our first baby a couple months ago,” Braun said. “His first word was 'gun.' Things need to change around here.”

Sociologist Karen Tesk said that she believes the American population would be wiped out by 2033 if the new policy wasn’t put into place, with school shootings becoming routine on campuses nation-wide. Tesk has been forced to teach her classes from a podium boxed in by bullet-proof glass for the past four semesters. “I was excited to be able finally teach while getting some fresh air for once,” Tesk said, strapping on her new bullet-proof vest. “I guess it's sort of hard

to breathe in this thing too, though.” Officer Christensen explained to reporters that the university's board of executives shuffled back-and-forth between countless plans before coming to a conclusion with the new dress code policy. Christensen said the board of executives went through the obvious options of armed guards in class and metal detectors at the front doors of university buildings, but also considered a few wild-card options as well. CONTINUED ON PAGE 19

PAGE 5 NEXT BIG ROCKSTAR DISCOVERED AT FRAT PARTY

PAGE 8 BUZZFEED NOSTALGIA THREATENS STUDENT'S COLLEGE LIFE

PAGE 18 "FATASS" STUDENT STANDING BY RESOLUTION TO NOT EXERCISE

CAREER TAKES OFF IN A MATTER OF DAYS.

LISA FRANK TAKES OVER A YOUNG GIRL'S DORM ROOM.

CREATES RSO AROUND THE DANGERS OF STAYING IN SHAPE.

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To be quiet or timid in social settings because of an accurate assumption of one’s own lack of intelligence. Percy was often milkytoast in a classroom setting, for he knew he thought milquetoast was spelled that way, and that’s just stupid.

Kitty Kat, So I signed up for a class this semester that is gonna be really frickin’ rough. I can’t drop it because I need it to graduate, and I can’t sleep with the professor or TAs because they’re all ugly. How do I guarantee a passing grade this semester?

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LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: YOUNG ALEX TREBEK

Sincerely, Destined to Fail Dear Shallow Sally, Let’s get one thing straight: No one is ever too ugly to squeeze an A out of. Sure, your professor is probably happily married with kids in a huge house out in Savoy, but there’s gotta be an opportunity somewhere there for a quick BJ in his office that can bring your lowly C- up to at least a B+. Or maybe a night out with one of the graduate student TAs would be a little less painful and wrinkly. Offer to treat one of them to a few drinks at The Blind Pig—grad students love that place almost as much as townies love the convenience and low prices of Meijer. If you seriously cannot stomach the thought of getting it on with one of these academic hotties, I suggest getting yourself a tutor for the semester. Then if you really can’t seem to learn the material, you can sleep with your tutor and blackmail him into taking your tests for you. Whatever route you take, sex is involved. Face it: No one is going to spend their last semester of school actually learning. We’re going to do as little work as possible and drink as much as our livers can handle. And you’re gonna be having a lot of sex anyway; you might as well get some good grades in the process. Wrap it up, Kitty Kat

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Next Big Rockstar Discovered at Frat Party BY: CHRIS BOURG Cancel the rest of this season’s American Idol, because America’s newest music sensation has been found right here on the U of I campus. Junior Alex Halinski began honing his musical skills last Friday afternoon when he found a guitar under a pile of clothes in his room. “I was looking for my favorite ‘Party With Sluts’ jersey to wear to the ARC when I found this guitar underneath all my dirty laundry,” Alex said. “When I saw it originally, I had no clue how it got there. Then I remembered that I stole it from some sissy emo singer at Canopy last semester when I was blacked out. I just walked up on stage and ripped it out of his hands. No one even said anything! That’s how you know he sucked.” So what inspired Alex to start actually playing the instrument? “I was thinking to myself, ‘This would be a great way to get laid.’ I knew—even though I don’t know shit about music—that I could score some serious pussy if I learned two or three songs that chicks like. Look at OneRepublic, those dudes blow ass, but I bet you they

get prime pussy every night because they play guitar and girls like what they play. So yeah, tail was definitely the only motivating factor for me.” Halinski made his musical debut later that Friday night at the party held in his fraternity house. Five people attended the concert held in Alex’s room, and the performance was met with high praise and adulation from fans. “OH MY GOD I LOOOOOOOOVE THIS SONG!” remarked freshman Tiffany Hall during Halinski’s performance of the opening riff of Taylor Swift’s “Love Story.” Sophomore Jayson Tompkins said, “That guy really hit the nail on the head with his rendition of Green Day’s 'Time of Your Life.' The way he kept missing notes and screwing up the intro riff sounds made him sound exactly like Billie Joe Armstrong. He got pissed when we asked him to play “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” and instead started a rendition of “Sweet Child O’ Mine” in the key of B sharp. The creative freedom he takes with these classics isunbelievable. His talents are truly bottomless.”

Sophomore Mary Selvey captured Halinski’s performance on her camera phone and sent the video to everyone on her Snapchat friends list. One of the lucky recipients was Steve Barnett, Chief Executive Officer of Capitol Music Group, who was somehow added to Mary’s list after the app’s hacking earlier this month. “I was excited to receive that Snap from Mary because I was looking forward to seeing more nudes,” said Barnett. “But it ended up being better than tit pics. That grainy, vertically-shot cell phone video showcased a superstar, one that we had to have.” Barnett was so impressed with Halinski’s abilities that he immediately sent him the paperwork for a multi-million dollar record deal. The following day, a hungover Alex Halinski signed on to Capitol Records. When asked about being signed to a label that’s home to such musicians as Katy Perry and Capital Cities, Alex said, “Wait, do I get to meet Katy Perry? Dude, I wanna do a Russian on her so bad!” Capitol Music Group’s executive vice presi-

dent Michelle Jubelirer issued a statement saying, “With a talent like his, we couldn’t afford NOT to sign Alex to a deal. It would only have been a matter of time before other record labels started banging on his door offering even more lucrative contracts to have him play exclusively for them. And there was no way in hell we were going to let those sons of bitches at Sony Music have a chance at him.” Although things are moving very quickly for Halinski, he’s enjoying the rush and looking forward to his first single, “Three Minutes of Me Playing Nothing but the ‘Smoke on the Water’ Riff,” dropping at the end of January. There are also talks of start-

ing a country-wide tour within the coming weeks. Fame and fortune hasn’t changed Alex, though. He remains grounded by the same values he held in his humble beginnings. “I swear to God, if I don’t get laid tonight I’m quitting,” he said. “I did not put in all this time over the past three days learning these stupid songs to not have sex with hot chicks.” As for the future, Alex says, he’ll probably stick with “this music thing” until he gets bored. “Then I’ll move on to something like target shooting. Yeah, something with guns. Bitches love dudes who pack heat.”

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DATA BREACH AT T.I.S. BOOKSTORE AFFECTS STUDENTS’ REWARDS POINTS By: Kitty Kat In a recent string of data breaches at popular stores such as Target and Michaels, Champaign bookstore T.I.S. has become the most recent victim of cyberhacking. According to a report from store managers, the T.I.S. system was compromised late last week after the rush of syllabus week textbook shopping. Although no credit card data or personal information was stolen from the store’s server, students’ accounts were completely stripped of all rewards points. “We’re exploring all possible causes of this system hack that has erased many student shoppers’ hard work over their past four years at the University of Illinois,” General Manager Corey Phillips explained. “We ask for everyone’s patience as we try to find the perpetrator and add complimentary rewards points back onto everyone’s account.” “Wait, what are T.I.S. rewards points?” asked senior Kelly Watkins when asked for her opinions on the store’s situation. After explaining that students earn points for every dollar they spend at the bookstore, points that can be used later in exchange for store merchandise, Watkins still seemed confused. “I’m not following you. People still buy textbooks in stores? Not like, digital copies?” Many students expressed the same sentiment as Watkins—not understanding what the big deal was with missing rewards points. “I honestly forgot all about them,” junior Jacob Harley said. “I have enough orange t-shirts by now. I don’t think I’m gonna go and get more free ones any time soon.” General Manager Phillips may be the only person truly upset with the store’s hack, but he insists he will make it up to all the students T.I.S. has hurt. “Any student out there who is struggling during this difficult time can stop by and ask for me personally. I will be more than happy to hand out a few Illinois Camelback water bottles to those who ask.”

FACEBOOK OFFERS $5 BILLION TO BUY THE IPHONE "PHONE" APP By: Scotty G Not long ago, Facebook paid $1 billion to buy out Instagram, a massively popular picturedarkening application. That was nothing compared to the unbelievable $3 billion offer to gain the rights to Snapchat, a massively popular picturedeleting application. None of them have made money yet, but Facebook is looking at long term business growth. Facebook has their NSA-like eye fixed on its next target, the “Phone” application. According to research by several independent consulting firms, more than 87.2% of iPhone owners have downloaded this app, meaning the opportunity to snag more private data and target online advertising is outstanding. The app apparently makes phone calls like the normal function of a telephone, but is more impressive because it’s an Apple product that everyone wants to get their fucking hands on.

revolutionar y philosophy and outlook for the popular phone app. “A lot of traditional companies don’t understand what we’re doing here. They’re stuck in the dark ages. This world is changing at a speed that makes all their ways of doing business a thing of the past. We’re incredibly excited about this Phone application. It’s revolutionizing the way we communicate with one another through its seamless exchange of these ‘Audio Pictures.’”

Facebook spokeswoman Marisa Novak explained Facebook’s

The app has become so popular that even parents have gotten

involved. In order to market the application to older, less tech-savvy adults, users have started creating large physical objects that serve the same function. The application’s logo, which was modeled after a slice of watermelon with a bite taken out of the middle, has served as the template for this wacky adaptation. This practice has caught on like wildfire in Blackwater Bay. Millennials everywhere have set up these “Home Phones” for their parents to try out. It seems that the sky’s the limit for Facebook’s latest app adventure.

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Second Semester Senior Finally Ready to Start Building Résumé STRAWBERRY SHORTCOCK WROTE THIS According to Facebook, the countdown to graduation for Illinois’ class of 2014 has finally begun. Statuses lamenting the fact that “OMG this is my last first day of class in the Chem Annex #lawls #senior #sad #WelcomeToTheRealWorld” and the like have completely inundated the popular social networking site, and no one is more excited for graduation than integrative biology senior, Austin Tilly. “You know, too many seniors get all emotional and shit during their last semester,” Tilly said. “Not me, though. I’m ready to peace out. You know, take on the real world for a change.” In order to prepare himself for life after graduation, Tilly said that he is excited to finally start looking for work and research experience so he can begin to build a résumé. Although he has no prior experience, he's confident that he will have cultivated an attractive résumé by the end of the semester. “I’ll probably volunteer for a week or

two at the hospital so that I can start networking with the doctors and any of their lawyer friends. It’s all about who you know,” Tilly said. “And I can put that I have extensive volunteer experience on my résumé, you know, once I write it on there. It’s easy.”

of experience he gains will ultimately lead to wealth and success. In the meantime, he’s searching for part-time jobs so that his résumé will read more than just “student at the University of Illinois, 20082014, with a 2.4 GPA” with his cell phone number and last year’s campus address.

Tilly also wants to apply for a research position with his department for the last semester. He says that the experience would be “totally invaluable,” but that he hasn’t heard back from many of the professors he had emailed about research opportunities.

“What I really want is to get a job at Espresso Royale or something easy and chill like that where I can get a discount and still pick up some girls on occasion,” Tilly explained. “I can work there for a couple hours a week for the rest of the semester, I think. I don’t believe in free rides in life, so it’s really important to me that I work my way through college.” According to the senior, his parents have paid out of pocket for his school. Though he has to pay his own bills, they wire him money every week so that he can afford it.

“Well, I did hear back from one, but she just goes, ‘I don’t know who you are. You said you’ve taken a class with me, but you failed to stand out in any way. Why would I want to work with you?’” Tilly said. “Her loss. I’ll just spend my semester researching why she’s such a bitch.” Tilly remains confident that he will land a (paid) research position within a couple of weeks, and that the semester’s worth

Tilly also plans to attend medical school in the fall of 2014 “at like Johns Hopkins or Stanford” because his mother attended Columbia, but he wants to prove he can get into a better school than she did. He

is currently oblivious that applications are long overdue, though he says he plans to study for the MCAT on his way down to Panama City Beach over spring break.

declined, however, because he thinks that “any association with that piece of shit newspaper will ensure that [he] never [gets] a job ever.”

Out of pity, The Black Sheep offered to hire Tilly as a writer to help him out, and because we think our readers would get a kick out of his deluded self-denial. He

The Black Sheep would like to offer a sincere “fuck you” to Mr. Tilly and encourage any slackers like himself to apply for a writing or marketing position online at theblacksheeponline.com.

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Buzzfeed Nostalgia Threatens Freshman Student’s College Life BY: SAMMIE SEA Since the beginning of second semester, UIUC sophomore Shannon Burkes has become increasingly caught up in ‘90s nostalgia. Sources closest to Burkes report that her sudden blast from the past occurred after she began viewing a series of Buzzfeed articles reminding the 20-year-old about the good old days, back in 1997. “She came back from break a completely different person,” said Burkes’ current roommate, Amanda Fitz. “I was late arriving back at school but when I got here, our room looked like someone’s storage room had exploded.” According to Fitz, the two girls had entered and won the Fab Pad contest hosted by University Housing and were set to have their room photographed right after winter break. However, when the contest judges arrived at Synder Hall, they were shocked to find not an awardwinning contemporary dorm room, but a portal back to a Mayim Bialik-inspired mess. “There were Beanie Babies covering every inch of the floor along with a few

Furbies who were awake and asking for food,” said Synder RA Mindy Calaway. “She apparently spent her book money on copies of The Baby-Sitters Club and replaced all of her supplies with Lisa Frank trapper keepers and gel pens.” Burkes also reportedly hung up dozens of posters featuring past boy bands such as N’SYNC and 98 Degrees as well as teen heartthrobs Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell. “We had heard about Shannon’s recent habits but we didn’t think there was anything wrong with her interest in the past,” said the girl’s father. “It wasn’t until last week that we realized her situation was much more severe.” In a report given by university officials, Burkes was removed for disruption of the educational environment after an incident that occurred last Tuesday during her communication class. In a statement taken by her professor, Burkes was scheduled to present a speech but arrived over 30 minutes late for class. In the 20 minutes she was present, Burkes obsessively whacked a slap bracelet

across her wrist and played on her Tamagotchi, disrupting the students in her vicinity. “I’ve never witnessed such a lack of maturity in a female college student,” said Professor Leonard. “I repeatedly asked her to be respectful, to which she obliged, until a few moments later in which she proceeded to yell, ‘NOT!’” Witnesses claim that as Professor Leonard turned his back to write on the chalkboard, Burkes pelted him with multiple Sticky Hands and wads of Big League chewing gum before running out of the lecture hall. Campus police were able to apprehend Burkes a few blocks away as she tried to escape on her Razor scooter. Following a recent spike in web traffic to the Buzzfeed website, researchers have been responding to various cases across the country in which college students are experiencing abrupt changes in cognitive and physical behaviors after reading articles posted on the site. “Despite efforts to educate students

through more reputable news sites and blogs, college kids today are fixated on Buzzfeed articles, primarily due to their fun GIFs and ease of reading through Top Number lists,” explained psychiatrist Michael Dunham. Research supports that the popularity of the site is correlated with students focusing their interests and styles towards trendy pages as a way of obtaining positive feedback from their peers. It could also be the reason why Burkes’ demeanor changed so drastically. “In college, students often struggle to find their identity with so many different

outlets at their disposal,” stated Dr. Dunham. “Shannon may believe that she reached her peak as a poster child of the ‘90s and therefore has reverted back to a time where she feels accepted, as opposed to the stresses of college.” In light of this new evidence, the university has blocked the use of Buzzfeed on the campus’ network. In order to prevent future occurrences, students are being urged to read actual news instead of blog posts written by nostalgia-driven delusionists. Burkes is currently staying at home under parental supervision as her condition continues to be monitored.

Engaged Illinois Couple Stumped on Which Dorm is Best for Honeymooners BY: WINNIE BAGO

“We considered renting an apartment or family housing,” Harper said. “But we don’t want to miss out on the social part of college. We don’t want to become that old, boring, married couple that never sees their friends.” The two are currently appealing University Housing, petitioning for a co-ed room. The couple hopes that the university will give them a suite with its own bathroom as a wedding present. “Living in Bromley or IT looks like our best right now because of the dining hall included right in the building. As newlyweds, our budget will be a bit tight, so not having to make trips to the grocery store will definitely be helpful,” Harper explained.

university their freshmen year. Both were moving into the Ike when their hands brushed together as they reached for a wooden moving cart simultaneously. They ate a meal together in the dining hall that night, and the two have dated ever since.

love is stronger than any disapproval. They don’t see it as wasting the best years of their lives. They see it as being set for life.

Harper decided to pop the question their junior year during their macroeconomics final in Foellinger. When the professor started the time for the final, Harper stood up, quickly dropped to one knee, and grabbed the hand of Lock, who was digging through her purse for her calculator.

Although Lock knows that planning a wedding while finishing her undergraduate degree will be stressful, she is comforted by the idea that it will take up all her time, keeping her away from tearful farewell parties and final celebrations her senior year.

“It was so cute,” Lock said. “He said something like, ‘Lyndsay, I don’t need any externalities. Your love is the cause of my

"We don’t want to miss out on the social part of college. We don’t want to become that old, boring, married couple that never sees their friends.” A living situation isn’t the only financial struggle the two lovebirds will be facing. The couple is also trying to manage funding a wedding and their college loans that their parents now refuse to take care of. “They weren’t too happy with the engagement and pretty much disowned us,” Lock confessed, looking sad. “But that’s okay because I have Ben now. We’re going to make our own family.” Harper and Lock met at the

demand of wanting to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you join me in the ultimate aggregate of becoming my wife?’ It was completely romantic.” The groan they heard from their professor after the proposal isn’t the only protest they’ve heard about their engagement. Along with their parents’ disapproval, their friends also think they’ve lost their marbles. Harper and Lock insist their

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COLLEGE-RELATED JOBS YOU DON’T NEED A COLLEGE DEGREE FOR BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF

Back in class and already it’s a drag! College, the learning part is such a bummer, right? Well then just drop out, you big dummy. Here are ten jobs that’ll let you still feel the warming glow of college life without having to worry about getting one of those pesky degrees.

Ben Harper and Lyndsay Lock are looking for the best dorm fitted for a honeymoon couple. The two Illini students, who became engaged in fall 2012, are planning on getting married this summer in the Illini Union ballroom in true orange and blue fashion. Papa Del’s is hired to cater their world-renown chicken strips and there will be an open tab at Murphy’s after the ceremony for pre-reception cocktails. All that is left for the two is to decide is where to live on campus their senior year after the nuptials.

THE

“There are no uncertainties,” Harper said. “I have her locked down. She isn’t going anywhere.”

“I don’t want to look back at my senior year and think how sad I was to be saying goodbye to all of my friends,” Lock said. “I’d rather remember my wedding: the day I sealed my fate for all eternity at 22 years old.” The two sit on a concrete bench of the Eternal Flame outside of the English Building flipping through a David’s Bridal magazine. They like to think the light above the bench symbolizes eternal love. “Our wedding colors are orange and blue,” Lock said, smiling. “I guess you could say that was inspired by the university. But I prefer to think it reflects our unrelenting love for each other.” As the two laugh at the prices of the dresses in the catalogue, the light above their bench begins to flicker before dimming out.

10.) Person who unironically works at the Salvation Army when a college student goes there to buy a costume: Oh, the joy you’ll feel when you (yes, you!) see that petulant sophomore buy that $4.99 suit you’ve been eying for that job interview at the cracker factory next week. You’ll positively squeal with joy when he talks about cutting the sleeves off of it so he can be “a fuckin’ redneck CEO” for the party. 9.) Dorm janitor: Listen, no one will tell you that cleaning up puke every day is a life dream, and my job would sure be a lot easier if these guys would just trim their pubes over the sink. That said, fishing condom wrappers out of the garbage and leaving them strategically placed around my apartment so my roommates think I’m getting laid is a lot easier than actually getting laid. 8.) Beer deliveryman (or woman!): You’re not much of a romantic, but you can’t help but think of yourself as a descendent of those 1920s bootleggers you see in so many of those historical dramas. Hey, if the demand for warm Keystone Light is there, someone’s gotta supply it, right? The glory, man. The glory is all yours. 7.) Stripper hired for rush event: You’ve got the day circled on your calendar; you’ve been looking forward to it for months! Can you believe it’s finally here? Time to go to Tappa Kegga Alpha to pick some dollar bills off of the floor with your vagina. Hell, maybe you’ll offer them the opportunity to drilldo you for $300. Rent is a little late, after all. 6.) Hobo: They love you! College students really love you! They keep showing you how to do all the new dance moves as long as you let them whip nickels at your feet. Little do they know, joke’s on them. With enough of those bad boys you’ll be able to afford a pint of vodka to make the tremors go away. 5.) Cafeteria worker: These 13-hour days of heavy lifting really help you avoid putting on the freshman 15 those stupid students have to worry so much about. Plus you get to save money on meals— they’ll let you eat anything that spends more than four seconds on the floor. Floor pizza is the best pizza, anyway. 4.) Vista customer service representative: It’s ok to live vicariously through others once in a while. You’re on the phone with someone who swears they didn’t mean to go over their dad’s credit limit to buy one’a them iPads you always see advertised on the TV. You don’t even know why someone would want one of ‘em, there’s not even an Ethernet port to plug it into the internet! 3.) Small-town taxi driver: You’re telling me that college students will pay me money for them to show me where all the good parties are? Hey! Hey! No! Stop! You’re not allowed to play with those binoculars in the glove box. 2.) Jimmy John’s deliver driver: Hah, no dude, I totally get you, you’re in college and you can’t afford to tip me; makes total sense. Here, let me just call my wife and let her know that her and our two sons are having day-old bread for dinner again. Man, I hope I can steal some mustard packets from work. 1.) Person who prints degrees: It seem like just yesterday you were slavin’ away at the ole’ degree mill to earn a piece of paper that would make you a “doctor” or some shit like that. Hah, the fools! Now it’s you who wields the power. If you want little lawyerin’ Jonny to be a sociology major, you have the power to print that, and it’ll only be the fourth time this week you’ll get reprimanded by your boss who ::yank yank:: has a degree in business administration.

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Professor's Pop Culture Joke Earns Standing Ovation and Respect From Students By: Scotty G Sociology 212 Professor Michael Bradley took a leap of faith last Wednesday and made an astounding achievement in the world of first impressions. While discussing the course’s syllabus with his abnormally quiet, 25-person class, Bradley confidently delivered a spur-of-the-moment joke and anxiously awaited the response: “When it comes to grading, I’m tough but fair. As long as you turn assignments in on time, we’re gonna have a ‘Party In The USA.’ But if you’re late, I’m gonna have to ‘Wreck your Balls.’” Within seconds, the classroom erupted with laughter. Knees were slapped, guts were wrenched, and applause broke out thunderously. Bradley smiled as he watched the room react, thinking deep down that maybe this would be his first semester not receiving a death threat or hate mail. Then one by one, they stood. Row after row of undergraduates got on their feet to applaud. After wiping the tears from his eyes, sophomore Dennis Martin had this to say: “It was just such a great joke. It had everything that I, a young, single-track mind kid, could ask for. It was such a timely and underused reference. I mean, I really feel like he gets us. Not like those other professors who make lamely transparent attempts to bond with students. He clearly just has such a genuine youthful energy. I’m definitely gonna come to all the lectures, cause he’s so fun and relatable.” Since the legendary joke, Professor Bradley’s class has experienced perfect attendance and 100% par ticipation from all students. All textbooks for the class have been sold out, and there is already a waiting list for the same course next semester.

U of I Student Proudly Points Himself Out as Racist Asshole on Buzzfeed By: Jupiter Stevens Sophomore Jimmy Walsh has spent most of his morning pointing out that one of his Tweets showed up on a Buzzfeed article this morning.

“It's just fucking so great,” Walsh said excitedly, out of breath. “Can you believe it? I'm on Buzzfeed. ME. This is great.”

While pointing out his sudden internet fame to neighboring students in class, most students tried to avoid making eye-contact with the bubbly racist.

Although most students were shocked by Walsh's pride, they admit it's along the lines of what they'd expect from the 20-year-old white male from Northbrook, IL.

“Do you get the joke in my Tweet?”Walsh asked an Asian student aggressively. “I mean, how funny is that shit?”

“My initial reaction was simply anger and disgust, but after thinking about it for a second, it's really not all that surprising,” said Kelly Johnson, a Chicago-native with a small percentage of Asian ancestry who Walsh has given nauseating looks multiple times this semester. “What does anyone really expect? Has anything in our society ever really changed?”

According to friends who are too nervous to tell him what's going on, Walsh has been texting friends and family all morning, asking them to “check out the link” he sent to them.

ARE YOU READY FOR UNOFFICIAL? ORDER ONLINE TODAY! BLACKSHEEPSWAG.COM “DO IT WITH YOUR BEST FRIENDS” SHIRT UNOFFICIAL 2014 SWEATSHIRTS ALSO AVAILABLE

KNITTED KOOZIES

NOT YOUR MAMA’S KNITTING!

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

Fishbowls Are Back! Featuring UV Flavored Vodka $11 64oz Fishbowls, $6 32oz Pitchers

SATURDAY: CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE feat. FIGURE with DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, KYRAL X BANKO, MONDOPE and more!

THURSDAYS! $2 WELLS & Hot Stuff $3 Jager & Vegas Bombs $3 ICE BOMB 16oz DRINK!

FRIDAY! Sun Stereo, $5, 10pm w/ Swords & The Shady Perrys Proceeds go to CASA!

Wednesday 1/29

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

GLOW & FLOW Wednesdays EDM and Dance Music spun by your favorite campus DJs! Come dressed to glow under the blacklight!

$2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Wells

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Thursday 1/30

$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers

FRESH HOPS and CHURCH BOOTY

$2 WELLS & Hot Stuff $3 Jager & Vegas Bombs $3 ICE BOMB 16oz DRINK!

Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com

Friday 1/31

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

Bright Lights All Night featuring ARCHNEMESIS with HEESH, ADAMOSITY and MOOP Free Show!!!

Fridays are the SHIrT! Happy Hour Food Specials 5pm-9pm Get a Different Cly's Shirt Every Week! $3 Monster Mash Ups, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Bud Light Tallboys

Sun Stereo, $5, 10pm w/ Swords & The Shady Perrys Proceeds go to CASA!

Saturday 2/1

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE feat. FIGURE with DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, KYRAL X BANKO, MONDOPE and more!

$3 Jim Beam $3 Three Olives Vodka $3 Cuervo Shots $3 Rum Chata Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles

The Dirty Feathers, $5, 10pm w/ Wicked Walls and We The Animals

Sunday 2/2

Closed

EMANCIPATOR ENSEMBLE with ODSEZA and REAL MAGIC

Book your Next Party at Clybourne! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Monday 2/3

Mason Jar Monday $2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY $1 Drink Specials! $2 Manolos Pizza specials! Live local bands each week!

$1 U CALL ITS $2 Voli Premium Vodka

Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com

Tuesday 2/4

$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week

$2 Real Long Islands! CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE - Early! Live comedy from some of CU's funniest! THE PIANO MAN - Late! Playing all your favorites!

$8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

Wednesday 2/5

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

PATTY GRIFFIN (Early Show!) with ANAIS MITCHELL GLOW & FLOW Wednesdays (Late Show!) EDM and Dance Music spun by your favorite campus DJs!

$2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Wells

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM!

$1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho

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KNITTED KOOZIES

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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 DOWNTOWN

SPECIAL NIGHT Wednesday 1/29

Craft Burger Week! Seven different specialty burgers to choose from! This week only! Blackhawks vs Canucks 9:30pm This game is NOT on Local TV! Watch it here on NHL Center Ice! Win Hawks Tickets! $1 Specialty SHOTS, Bud Mug Night! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug! $3.99 BUFFALO CHICKEN 4-10pm

EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas

RISQUE THURSDAY! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach

SUN: JAGER BOWL! Free Squares, Win Awesome Prizes All Game $2 Jager Bombs & Drafts AND 25% Off Apps!

FRI/SAT: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball

GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

Thursday 1/30

$5 WRAPS 4pm-10pm $2 WELLS, HALF PRICE WHISKEY! $3 Jack, Makers & Jameson

$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada

Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach

$2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Captain $2 Jager Bombs

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Friday 1/31

Friday After Class $2 Red's Apple Ale Drafts $6 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries, $3 Jim Beam $3 Captain Morgan

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs

DJ Delayney at 10pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID

$6 Shandy Pitchers (Orange, Lemon Berry, Summer) $3 Jim Beam, $3 Pinnacle

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Saturday 2/1

ILLINI vs IOWA 6:30pm Blackhawks vs Sharks 9:30pm $3 Jameson, $3 Rumple $3 Goldschlager $4 Jager Bombs

Catch all the games here!

De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola

$6 Lunchbox Pitchers $3 Bacardi $3 American Harvest

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Sunday 2/2

SUPER SUNDAY! $3.99 for 10 Haus WINGS $2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS! Every Liquor...Every Beer..$2! Denver vs Seattle 5pm Win Hawks Tickets!

SUPER BOWL! $5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

JAGER BOWL! Free Squares, Win Awesome Prizes All Game $2 Jager Bombs & Drafts AND 25% Off Apps!

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday 2/3

HAWKS vs KINGS 9:30pm This Game in Not on Local TV! Watch it Here on NHL Center Ice! $1 BUD LIGHT DRAFTS! $2 Long Islands

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

MNJ! $2 Bud Platinum Bottles $2 Smirnoff Drinks/Shots $3 RBV with Smirnoff

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Tuesday 2/4

$2.99 Cheeseburgers 4-10pm FAT TUESDAYS! Everyone Gets Beads! Person with the most beads Wins! $2 Wells, Half Price Sharkbowls $2 Soco, $3 SoCo Hurricanes

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Tequila Tuesday and 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moon $2 Cuervo featuring Cinge

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Wednesday 2/5

Blackhawks vs. Ducks 9pm Watch this blacked out game only at Firehaus with NHL Center Ice! Win Blackhawks vs Blues Tickets Bud Mug Night - $1 SHOTS!

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball

GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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KAM'S

The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3 Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $3.50 All Imports and Specialty Beers, $2 All Well Drinks

Mug Club Starts this Wednesday Featuring Miller Lite Aluminum Pint Glass

THURSDAY! SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles

EVERY DAY! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes

SPECIAL NIGHT

Platinum Wednesdays! $2 Platinum & Black Crown & Shock Top Bottles, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles $3 3 Olives Vodka Drinks, $4 Blue Guys, $2 Cuervo Shots, $2 Rumchata Shots, $3 Cereal Shots

$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Logo Mug Night! Miller Lite Aluminum Pint! $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles, $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs

BUCKET NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers, $4 Jim Beam Buckets, $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets, $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets, $2 Rum Chata Shots

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Wednesday 1/29

KLUB KAM’S THURSDAY’S! Club DJ’s Spin the Night! $2 UV Drinks, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Hot Stuff Shots, $3 Captain Morgan, $5 KamsIslands, $2 Lite/Coors Lt Bottles & Drafts $6 Pitchers, DJ D-mand!

Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $3.50 All Imports and Specialty Beers, $2 All Well Drinks

$2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints, $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Bacardi and Malibu Singles, $5 Jameson Doubles, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb

SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles

Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime

Thursday 1/30

Pinnacle Super Bowl Red Carpet Gala Throwback Happy Hour! House DJ’s Playing 80’s & 90’s Jams (3-10pm), DJ Delicato Spinning at 10pm! $1.75 16oz Lite Cans & Coors Banquet Bottles, $6.00 Pitchers & Lunch Boxes, $3 Pinnacle Blue Guys, $3 Jim Beam & Red Stag, $3 Cinnabon & Chata Shots

BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge

$3 Sam Adams Family Pints $2.50 Wild Turkey Singles $5 Skyy Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo and Blackbeard Shots, $4 Jager Bombs

OPEN AT 5pm! $1 FATTY NATTY’S, $1 BURNETT’S WHIPPED VODKA $3 Jim Beam, $3 Jager Bombs $3 ILLINI Long Islands

$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it

Friday 1/31

SOLO CUP SATURDAY! No Cover Charge

$2.50 Jameson Singles $5 Bacardi and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots $4 Jager Bombs

$3 Captain Morgan $3 Three Olives Bombs $3 Rum Chata Shots $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Cuervo Shots

$2 U Call It $4 Pitchers

Saturday 2/1

Super Bowl Sunday Funday! $2 U CALL IT (Domestic, Craft & Import Bottles, Domestic & Craft Drafts, Well Drinks & Shots), $5 Pitchers

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

Trivia Starts @ 9pm! $2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Orchata and Dr McGillicuddy, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb

Book your next party at Red Lion! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Closed Eeat some chicken strips at Papa D's!

Sunday 2/2

$2 U CALL IT (Domestic, Craft & Import Bottles, Domestic & Craft Drafts, Well Drinks & Shots) $5 Pitchers

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports

Bar Bingo Starts @ 9pm $3 Blue Moon and Angry Orchard Pints, $2.50 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Singles, $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots

Monday Night Lion! $1 WELLS, $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS, $2 SAILOR JERRY $3 MEV’S – MONSTER VODKA’S

$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)

Monday 2/3

Country Night! $1 Coors & Coors Lt. Bottles, $1 Coors Lt. Drafts, $1.50 Bourbons $3 Blue Guys, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots, $3 Redds & Fireball or Rootbeer Beers, Win Tickets to Jason Aldeen! 1st 200 thru door get Boot Glass

$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

$4 Guinness, Smithwicks and Triptych Pints, $2.50 Blackbeard Rum and Jim Beam Singles, $2.50 Fireball and Orchata, $2 Old Style, PBR, Schlitz, Miller Lite Tall Boys

$2 Long Islands $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 Hot Stuff Shots

$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)

Tuesday 2/4

$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Logo Mug Night! Sam Adam's Rebel IPA! $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs

BUCKET NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers, $4 Jim Beam Buckets, $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets, $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets, $2 Rum Chata Shots

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Wednesday 2/5

TUES: Country Night! $1 Coors & Coors Lt. Bottles & Drafts $1.50 Bourbons, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots Win Tickets to Jason Aldeen! 1st 200 thru door get Boot Glass

Bud & Rock Events, Spinning DJ’s 10pm, $2 22oz Bud/Bud Lt./Rolling Rock Drafts, $4 UV Blue Guys, $3 Wells, $2 Jager Shots & Bombs, DJ Bassthovan Spinning Live, Blackhawk Legends Lounge Ticket Giveaway: 1/25-2/22

Platinum Wednesdays! $2 Platinum & Black Crown & Shock Top Bottles, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles $3 3 Olives Vodka Drinks, $4 Blue Guys, $2 Cuervo Shots, $2 Rumchata Shots, $3 Cereal Shots

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD TO TITLE A SONG ABOUT YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING HIGH SCHOOL MOMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE CALLED?

ior J o rd a n , J u n

“Don’t Eat the (Special) Labeled Brownies”

m o re Alice, Sopho

“Dear Mr. Boner, Hello”

ior Ashley, Sen

“The Church of Hot Addiction”

BARTENDERS of the WEEK Relationship status: Dating my 3 boyfriends: Jack, Jim and Evan. Major: Architecture Favorite drink: Whiskey. With anything. Favorite shot: Jagerbomb Disgusting Drink: Rumple Minze Build a perfect sandwich: Ryan Sandwich: me between Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling. What superpower has the most potential, from a sexual standpoint?: Make everything I touch vibrate. What is the silliest thing you’ve cried about?: When I was 3, we took out the radiators in my house and it upset me. A child’s laughter makes you…: Remember to take my birth control. What’s the difference between geeks, nerds and dweebs?: I only put nerds in my mouth. Would you rather eat $1 in pennies or get a tattoo of a butt on your butt?: Pennies because at least I’d have a dollar. I know you are, but what am I?: Exactly. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because if I’m in it, it has to be good.

KATIE of Joe's

DRINKING GAME High School Reunion 2014 Here at The Black Sheep, we like to think that all friendships can stand the test of time. Starting conversations with people you haven’t talked to in years is always awkward and uncomfortable alone, but with a group of friends and liquid conversation enhancers available, it can make for the most fun and entertaining way to get blocked, reported, and hopefully slapped with a “cease and desist” message! What You’ll Need: A group of friends (preferably ones you went to high school with), a laptop, a die, and a god-tier sense of humility. Number of Players: 2+, but the more the merrier. Going alone will cause the game to go from “a blast” to “cripplingly depressing.” Level of Intoxication: Senior prom throwback. How to Play: - One player logs onto Facebook and opens their friends list. Another player must pick an old friend/ stranger from high school currently online to chat up. Roll a die. This will serve as the conversation starter: - If you roll a 1, type: “Hey! It’s been a while, X!” - For a 2: “So, like … why are we not friends anymore???” - For a 3: “Contrary to popular belief, I always thought you were the prettier rose in the thorn bush.” - For a 4: “I know we don’t talk anymore, but I REALLY need to say something…” - For a 5: “Personally, I think Y got heavier. What do you think, X?” - For a 6: “Horsepucky! In angels do we scream ‘breast milk?’ Please, save the children!” - Insert their name in X, insert someone else’s name

in Y. - The conversation must flow naturally. It must not end until each player has had a turn at responding. - If a player fails to respond within 30 seconds/does not elicit a response, they must finish their drink and pass the laptop. - The last player in the rotation may end the conversation if desired. - Once the conversation has ended, everyone finishes their drinks. Someone new must log in to their Facebook, pick a new friend and repeat the process. - Additionally, drink when the “friend”: - Displays disgust - Seems oddly into the conversation - Posts an emoticon - Uses an ellipses - Finish your drinks if you are unfriended during the conversation. The Game Ends When: Whoever’s logged in starts getting paranoid and all white-knighty. Someone’s gotta do it. This game will probably be a big influence in deciding your attendance at the reunion in 10 years. It’ll also be a nice way to clean out your 800+ “friends” list.

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STEFANO of Kam's

Relationship status: Banging clits, sucking tits, taking shits. Major: Coloring with a concentration on staying inside the lines. Favorite drink: Blue mothafuggas Favorite shot: Not since the accident. Disgusting drink: Blew guys. Build a perfect sandwich: Julia Sames between the buns. What superpower has the most potential, from a sexual standpoint?: Elast-o-cock. What is the silliest thing you’ve cried about?: Going to Sig afties and not getting let in. A child’s laughter makes you…: Forget. What’s the difference between geeks, nerds and dweebs?: Matt Rogers, Kelly Brennan and Mike Farina Would you rather eat $1 in pennies or get a tattoo of a butt on your butt?: Butt on butt I know you are, but what am I?: I’m Topher. I’m friends with the guys now. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Kitty Kat is a babe.

RECIPE for DISASTER Grilled Cheese Pizza You’ve just arrived home after striking out with random potential hookups left and right. Now, in addition to choosing tonight’s “adult entertainment” on your laptop, you’re forced to decide between pizza or grilled cheese to celebrate defeat. Our answer: Why not both? What You’ll Need: 8 slices of bread (yeah, you’re downing a whole one tonight), 1/4 cup of butter, 1/8 teaspoon of garlic powder, 1 teaspoon of Italian seasoning, slices of mozzarella cheese, 1/2 cup of parmesan cheese, and pizza sauce. You can toss pepperoni and other optional goodies in there if you wish. Cook Time: 20 minutes, give or take. Fatty Factor: Depends on your choice of processed foods. If you’re rocking plastic cheese and butter “spread,” be ready to throw your heart a curveball. Let’s Get Baked: - Mix the butter, garlic powder, and Italian seasoning in a small bowl. This is going to be the base spread for all your spices. - If you’re adding any meats like pepperoni, pop them in a microwave to warm them up. - Pre-heat a skillet to medium heat. - Spread your spice-infused butter on one side of a slice of bread and plant it on the skillet. Now deck out the non-butter side with whatever cheeses and meats you want. - Butter up another side of a slice and place it atop the skillet slice, butter side up. - Keep flipping until the insides are all melty and the bread is a toasty brown. - Repeat for all the remaining bread slices, cut the finished “pizzas” in half, and treat yourself to some pizza dipping sauce and a date with hyper-exaggerated videos of what tonight never was. Loneliness never tasted so good. Get used to that flavor too, you’ve got a long, empty life ahead of you.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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BOOZE REVIEW EARLY TIMES BOURBON

When looking for a bottle to review this week, we were upset to see that our favorite little liquor store didn’t really have anything new for us to try. We perused the shelves, looking for something interesting, and landed on Early Times bourbon. The colors and design seem very old-timey, like something you find under layers of dust in your grandparents’ spare bedroom, and it wasn’t really something we’d invest our money in again. Smells Like: Ugh, just don’t smell it. Tastes Like: Bacardi, actually. Kinda weird.

GRADE: C

Typical Drinkers: Old grandpas as they tell you stories about the war, little grandmas with used tissues in their pockets, weird couples who own antique shops in small towns, and museum curators

WRITTEN BY: KITTY KAT

User Comments: “This tastes like my grandma’s feet.” “Is it called Early Times ‘cause it was made in the 1920s?”

“Eh, I think I’m going to stay in tonight and knit instead.” Best Described as a Free Verse Poem: Poured into a tumbler glass / Peanuts on the table / Crunch, crunch, out come my dentures / Wet gums naked and alone / Why don’t my kids visit me? / Did I leave the stove on? / What’s all that racket outside? / Soil myself / Geezer What Your Grandma Would Say if She Saw You Drinking This: What? What did you say? Food Pairing Suggestion: Something soft and mushy that’s easy to chew, like cooked carrots or mashed potatoes You’ll Like This if You Like: Being put in a home by your ungrateful children and having to read the subtitles on American Idol without actually hearing the people sing Don’t Mix This With: Diet Dr. Pepper or any of your doctor-prescribed medication

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“Fatass” Student Standing by New Year’s Resolution to Not Exercise BY: DAN MIRABELLI

While many students have struggled with sticking to their New Year’s resolution to get into shape by spring break, sophomore Patrick Grundy says he has no plans of ever getting into shape. Affectionately known as a “fatass” by those close to him, Grundy has opposed exercise ever since his old gym teacher Mr. Hughes made him run laps because he had “diarrhea of the mouth” in the fourth grade. “Exercising has been proven to be bad for your body. It’s true. I saw it on Wikipedia. Even though I never really worked out before, my New Year's resolution is to not work out at all. So far I’ve been keeping up with it pretty well,” stated Grundy as he powered through his fifth episode of Mike and Molly for the day. Grundy believes that people in the modern era have strayed too far from the weight norms of jolly kings and noblemen of Olden Europe and that the health craze that has taken over our country will have disastrous consequences. “Back in the day the rich were fat, and the poor peasants were in shape and were ripped up like Rambo,” said Grundy. “For some reason the tides changed and that's been terrible for the health of people around the world.” When we told him that life expectancies have had astronomical growth since the days of bloodletting and witch-hunts, Grundy replied, “Would you rather be fat and love life for 50 years or eat shitty tofu and tear apart your muscles every day and live a little longer?” However, Grundy’s roommates do not agree with his beliefs. “Pat is an idiot. He read one article about how long distance running can be bad for you and took off with it,” said sophomore Will James. James, a self-described “health nut”, has competed in three Ironman competitions. Grundy’s behavior has begun to upset Pat to the point where he has

been considering moving out for some time. “Last week he put together a PowerPoint presentation that consisted of the most horrifying sports injuries in an attempt to stop me from being active. I’ve been having nightmares and had phantom pains in my leg for my entire intramural basketball game yesterday,” James angrily said. Grundy has also begun an RSO on campus that supports those that have a similar lifestyle to his and are proud of it. Going as “Being Fat Isn’t That Bad,” the group has nine active members and is growing at a steady pace—their waistbands have already grown by an inch and a half. He says that although they have been on the receiving end of hate speech from students that “are jealous of their juicy rolls,” they are going to continue to stay strong and press on as a group. “All the members have pledged along with me to not participate in sports or vigorous exercise. However trampoline jumping is still allowed because it’s just plain fun,” stated Grundy. While a university-sponsored group that promotes a lifestyle that is an affront to all of today’s health standards upsets some, it appears that there is no stopping the continuation of the club. “This club flies in the face of decades upon decades of research and health data and poses a real threat to the health of its members,” nutritionist Gwenn Walters said. “I cannot believe that their actions have been allowed to continue for this long, it’s idiotic.” Only time will tell how long Grundy’s group will last and how long he will be able to keep up his slothful lifestyle. However, so long as there are students that can confidently say they are out of shape and only have the desire to get worse, Grundy’s confidence here is truly inspirational.

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CONTINUED FROM THE COVER “At first we were thinking if we just put cardboard cutouts of students around the lecture halls so the shooter would get confused and shoot those instead,” Christensen explained. “But we quickly realized that wouldn't be the best plan. Let's face it, the smell of cardboard can be nauseating for some people, and that's just not the most fair for everybody.” Another early option debated amongst the university's executive board included a series of laser pointers, according to Christensen. “To be honest, we really had trouble coming up with effective plans that made complete sense,” Christensen said. “Does any of it make sense?” Christensen said the best plan the executive board could come up with to combat a shooting threat was to try and predict probable candidates who could possibly commit the crime in the future. But after pouring a majority of the universities' security fund into figuring out the personality types of such potential criminals, the studies showed that 99 percent of the population matched with the criminal profile and are capable of doing such things. “When we got the research data back, it wasn't all that surprising,” Christensen said. “I mean, people are pretty crazy in general. There's not really a good way to tell who is the craziest.” One executive board member suggested picking random students' names from a hat and investigating them, placing university security personnel on them when they're attending classes or traveling to any other public building. “If we didn't end up going with enforcing the new dress code policy in the fall, we might have gone with that option since it was the next best thing,” Christensen told reporters. “Like I said, there's really no predicting it anymore. You'd have better luck going to Green Street and guessing which northwest suburb people are from as they walk down the street.” With the implementation of the new dress code policy, Christensen and university officials alike both believe it can give American students a fighting chance when attending classes or going to any other public place, such as a mall or shopping center. “We're expecting it to really level the playing field out there,” Christensen said. “It was quite the one-sided game. It is a game, right? That's what people think?” Hayley Beck, a sophomore in engineering, said she's glad to see universities stepping up and doing something to help protect faculty and students from what has become an expected life-or-death situation during each class. “I have less of a chance of getting homework than I do getting shot at these days,” Beck said, checking if her military helmet fit correctly. “At least now I can go to my psychology class and try to learn why people do this sort of stuff before they come crashing through the door.”

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Justin Bieber Initiated by the Black Guerilla Family

Justin s e i t i l a e b e i B

The warden for the Miami-Dade County Jail, Jeremy Caramel, has confirmed with The Black Sheep that Justin Bieber has been inducted into The Black Guerilla Family, a multi-state prison gang.

regarding the incident:

The Black Sheep reached out to the Bieber camp, and was granted a brief interview with the multi-platinum pop sensation.

Still, heavy bruising was evident on Bieber’s forearms, indicating he’d seen some physical harm during his time behind bars.

“Y’know man, growing up in Canada, I always had one black friend; now that I’ve been inducted into The Black Guerilla Family, I have a lot of black friends. It’s a cracker’s dream come true.”

“Nah, you got it all wrong, bro,” Bieber noted in our The Black Sheep exclusive, “I told Terrence-- he’s the leader-- how much I liked Tyler Perry’s Madea franchise. He, uh, he didn’t like that. I thought all black guys did; I got what I deserved, I guess.”

Within the prison gang community The Black Guerilla Family is well-known for their intense initiation process, one which submits the prospective member to brutal beatings and psychological torture. Bieber had this to say

passed through DUI, Justin Bieber a r fo k ee w st la ed ck on the After getting arrest stem. Now, he’s ba sy e ic st ju ity br le ing the ce troying Tokyo, fight es --d the turnstile that is ns tio or op pr voc of untold dzilla. But what street wreaking ha ina--wait, that’s Go rim sc di in e fir ic om s ass in jail? Mothra, spewing at , making him sit hi er eb Bi at ok bo e ably. w th of these four, prob ne if? What if they thre O . ng ga n iso pr he’d join a Well, we’re certain

justin Bieber aligns himself with Miami-Dade County Women’s Jail Lesbian Alliance After mistakenly being booked at the Miami-Dade County Women’s Jail, Miami authorities have issued a press release confirming speculation that Canadian singer Justin Bieber has joined the jail’s Lesbian Alliance.

“He’s in high demand,” Lesbian Alliance spokesperson Karen LaPosha commented, “there were catcalls from them lousy straights as soon as they saw him enter those barred doors; that coif is impossible to miss.” An anonymous source corroborated LaPosha’s story, “Listen, Justin’s no stranger to a woman’s affection towards him-- he’s been dealing with that for years now, but the ladies in here, they ain’t like the ladies out there. In here, he’s not a toy, he’s a tool. Some of these straight women, they ain’t had a dick in months, or even years. You could drag the bloated corpse of James Gandolfini in here and some’a these ladies would pay half a pack of smokes for a ride.” LaPosha was quick to note that Bieber has of-

We asked Terrence what it was like to have such a visible celebrity join his gang. “Who the fuck is Justin Bieber?” the life-sentenced inmate wondered. Still, Beiber’s reasons for joining The Black Guerilla Family remained unclear. When pushed for a concise answer the pop celebrity was quick to reply: “Well, now that I’m in it, I can finally say nig—” The Black Sheep will provide additional updates as this story unfolds.

Justin Bieber Declares himself part of the aryan Brotherhood As of Friday night, roughly 24 hours after his arrest for impaired drag racing and one hour into the mandatory eight-hour “drying out period” required for all DUI arrests, sources close to Justin Bieber are indicating he has aligned himself with The Aryan Brotherhood. He managed to orchestrate a tweet from behind prison walls, which confirmed his membership in the white supremacist organization: While it is known that Bieber was planning

“We have spoken with Mr. Bieber,” the release reports, “and as we look to rectify our booking mistake, we understand the young man’s reason for joining the Lesbian Alliance.”

“Man, when you’re high off your dick on Percocet, you ain’t feelin’ shit. The gauntlet might as well have been a giggle time tickle tunnel.”

comes as a shock to many. However, his nation of Beliebers remains unphased. “It’s like, Justin knows everything. He has such a big heart, and I love love love him so much. So if he thinks blacks, hispanics, Chinese, Jews and whatevers should go [redacted] from a fucking [redacted], then I do too,” said Chelsea Simpson, 13 of California, who retweeted Justin’s sentiments along with 63,000 other teenage fans. The Black Sheep was unable to reach Bieber for comment, besides him telling us to take our “[redacted]-loving paper and shove it up [our] virgin assholes.” Further persistence saw Mr. Bieber agree to speak to us through “Hitler’s Taint,” the MiamiDade Aryan Brotherhood’s chief: “Justin wasn’t happy with how inferior other races made him feel. He found the truth in our ways. He realized societal pressures made him dabble in R&B and thus led to his downfall. Oh yeah, and look at the officers who arrested him -shocking -- this would have never happened if America weren’t run by a [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted].”

tentimes struggled to fit in with the Lesbian Alliance: “Yeah, he’s used to getting manicures and pedicures and all of that--listen, most of the women we run with, they don’t even wash their hair with soap, they use lye. When he asked if there was a waxing facility here in jail, one of our members laughed so hard she threw up.” All things considered, the Lesbian Alliance has been a boon for Bieber’s safety. LaPosha left The Black Sheep with this anecdote: “We assigned him two shower guards the other day, both came back saying he looked like a naked 12-year-old male gymnast. Gross, give me a hairy piece of pussy any day.”

his retirement shortly after a dip into the R&B genre, his rejection of the genre and its fans

Insisting he get one final word in our “[redacted]-loving newspaper,” Hitler’s Taint had this to say “Justin was the final key. In combining Aryan Brotherhood with the dedicated, white-washed masses of Bieber Nation, this country will finally be purified.”

THE SUPER BOWL DRINKING GAME When the Announcers....

During the Halftime Show....

Drink one when they say each other’s name. Drink two when Wilson or Manning is fellated. Drink three when Richard Sherman happens. Drink three each time the weather is noted. Drink five when they mention some NY thing.

Drink two if the camera cuts to a celebrity. Drink three between each medley. Drink five if a cover happens. Drink five for each guest appearance. Drink ten if a hat change takes place.

When the Team You Are Rooting For... Drink one when they complete a pass. Drink two for a ten-yard run. Drink two for any penalty on the other team. Drink two for any first down your team gets. Drink three for any field goal made.

Drink three for any sack your team causes. Drink four for any turnover your team causes. Drink four for any play over forty yards. Drink ten for any defensive touchdown. Drink ten if a trick play is attempted.

During the Commercials....

In Your Place...

Drink one for every hot babe. Drink three for every beer commercial. Drink four for each company you don’t know. Drink four every time animals are involved. Drink four when an adorable child is featured.

Drink two for everyone who wears a jersey. Drink two if someone uses gambling lingo. Drink three every time someone spills. Drink five when Weed Bowl is mentioned. Drink five if Peyton’s history is mentioned.

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Student in Cargo Shorts Absolutely Unfazed by Below-Zero Temps BY: TEX MEX Baffled students have been reporting all throughout the week that freshman Andy Steadman has been going to class wearing nothing but a hoodie and khaki cargo shorts despite below-zero wind chill temperatures. His response to the puzzlement has remained unchanged, claiming that “really, it’s not that bad outside.” Steadman’s schedule has the 18-yearold kinesiology student traveling all the way from the Six Pack to as far as some regions of the South Quad. Whereas everyone else has layered themselves with more padding than Luke Skywalker’s makeshift Tauntaun cocoon, Steadman continuously decides to brave the harsh weather conditions against all odds with the multi-pocketed shorts he purchased at Kohl’s last summer. “At first, I thought the guy had lost a huge bet or something,” commented junior Craig Jeffries. “I mean, here I am standing around with frozen tears from the wind smacking me in the face, and this guy’s walking around with his bare, twiggy legs with no problem. It’s bad enough that I only have this ultra-puffy jacket to wear, so now I look like an even bigger pussy walking to class.”

Onlookers have also noted Steadman’s jaw-dropping resistance to displaying his discomfort, if any, to the cold. While his legs are often bluer than two freezer burned chicken legs, he has still been proceeding to class with steadfast determination coupled with an “I couldn’t care less” countenance about his face. Even at bus stops, Steadman remains perfectly stoic in his posture without succumbing to Neanderthal-ish practices like jumping in place or chattering his teeth. “The young man is just an absolute guru at adapting to the weather,” said one CUMTD bus driver in total wonderment. “I’ve tried several times to comment on his bravery and sheer level of discipline, but he always has his iPhone earbuds blaring. Some of the passengers say that all he listens to is white noise as a means of training his sense of concentration. Then again, so long as he keeps his eyes deadset on the horizon of his next destination on campus, I guess we’ll never know.” Some university professors have begun developing theories to explain the strange phenomenon that Steadman has become. Several departments have devoted large chunks of their funding

in order to further explore and discover the curious case that Steadman’s legs possess. For example, the Department of Mechanical Science and Engineering has poured $20 million in developing replicated exoskeletons of Steadman’s cargo shorts, while the Department of English has managed to scrape up a whopping $23 to fund a psychoanalytical close reading dissertation on the existential meaning of Steadman’s legs. “We’ve been able to conclude that Andy Steadman has effectively been able to somehow halfway devolve himself,” reported a professor from the Department of Biology after running several week’s worth of sleepless nights and theoretical research. “While the rest of Steadman’s body from the waist up has not undergone any changes whatsoever, his legs have likely reverted back to an anatomical time very reminiscent of Ice Age humans. We suspect that that, although barely visible to the naked eye, Steadman’s legs are actually covered with tiny, microscopic hairs that have allowed him to traverse long distances relatively unaffected by the Arctic-like climate. To put it simply, Steadman could be the first human involved in a massive evolution trend that will cause all of mankind

to be forever impervious to extreme conditions.” Along with the Department of Asian Studies 500-page essay linking Steadman’s social demeanor and concentration to the training of ancient Japanese Samurai, the “Steadman Cargo Devolution Theory” has garnered critical praise from intellectuals and science fiction fans from all over the country. With more questions being raised than answers, however, hundreds of

conundrums still remain. Steadman has since finally opened up to the media, allowing time out of his busy school schedule for informative but seldom walking interviews whenever he makes his way to Green Street. “Oh, all of my jeans are just dirty,” revealed Steadman when asked if he chose cargo shorts for their multi-purpose survival pockets. “My clothes are just like, sitting in a pile in my room, and I’ve just been kind of too lazy to do laundry. These are just the only clean pants I have."

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