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Vol. 23, Issue 3
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/4/13 - 9/11/13
University Enforces “Dry Rush” During Greek Recruitment
BY: Kitty Kat This year the sororities and fraternities on the University of Illinois campus will have a much harder time attracting new members. The Greek councils of campus have instated a “dry Rush” for all houses, meaning the use of alcohol or drugs during the Rush process will not be tolerated. Recently, worried parents, autocratic administrators and a dickless journalist at The Daily Illini voiced their concerns about Greek Rush and the overall role of alcohol in the process, which sparked the need for a ban beginning this school year. The idea of the “dry Rush” comes in response to timelessly shady practices used by Greek houses while recruiting new males and females to join their ranks. For example, some sorority chapters were punished for “dirty rushing,” which involved asking potential new members inappropriate questions about boys, alcohol, and sex during the formal recruitment process. This tactic was looked down upon by the Panhellenic Council because even active girls in sorority houses never talk about things like that. Similarly, over the past few years, fraternities across the country have been under fire for deaths due to everything from alcohol poisoning to intense anal bleeding. We have been told that Greek houses all over campus quickly complied once the rule was announced. Frat houses were seen pouring hundreds of cans of beer out of bedroom windows without even being asked to by local authorities. Senior members in the houses gathered up all drinking paraphernalia—beer bongs, bottle openers, and koozies—and removed them swiftly from the premises. Sororities reportedly took sledgehammers to any shotglasses in their houses and personal apartments and made sure that every drop of flavored Smirnoff was dumped directly down the sink. “It was actually really refreshing,” sophomore sister Morgan Blalock confessed. “I felt so tied down by the pressures of drinking every night and holding my own hair back. It was a huge relief to just flush it all away and start clean.” Other Illinois Greeks related to the “weight off the shoulders” feeling that Blalock described, even going as far as saying that they feel “pure and holy” after eliminating alcohol from their lives. “There used to be a time when I couldn’t even watch a sporting event without cracking open a beer. Hell, I couldn’t even look at
a TV without having my hand instinctively reach for a cooler next to me. It was a really scary time for me. But I’m glad now that I can just sit on the couch with a two-liter of Sprite, an order of chicken strips from Papa D’s and my best friends around and not feel the need to consume alcohol,” senior frat brother Mike Montgomery said. “I’m truly blessed.”
“I was completely against it at first,” fraternity President Alan Harke admitted. “That’s the whole reason I joined a frat. And the reason I wanted to be in charge. I wanted to drink for free throughout my college career. Not just scuffle by at $1 U-Call-It nights like the GDIs on campus. But I gotta say, after the first few days of not drinking, I felt like a new man. I even went and got a job at Walgreens. It’s been a great change.” continued on page 19
page 5
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Overzealous Freshmen Buying Surplus of Condoms
Top 10: Ways Social Media is Ruining Your Life
Bow Guys and No Bows: The Art of the Bow Tie
Male students' ambitious plans to slay a lot of vag this year.
Why you're already failing your Fall semester classes.
Learn who can pull one off and who can't (hint: you can't)
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>> Table of Contents << page 6: Relaxed Fraternity Rush is Perfect for Chess Club President Wendell Prescott, III >> Dry Rush opens fraternity doors to stereotypically "nerdy" crowd.
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page 8: High School Sweethearts Still Going Strong (As Far As They Know) >> Absence makes the heart grow fonder ... and horny for random sex. page 10: Freshman Knows Everything After a Few Weeks on Campus >> Self-proclaimed MTD Master and Frat Man Extraordinaire . page 15: On the Streets >> What would these students do to save the human race?
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page 16: Bartenders of the Week >> Meet Katy from Underground and Xander of White Horse
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page 17: Booze Review: Monte Alban Tequila Silver >> We're not quite sure, but we think it was delicious. page 21: Salsa Not the Only Guiness World Record UIUC Planned to Break >> Because what goes better with large amounts of salsa than large amounts of chips!? page 21: A case for procrastination >> Long story short, we're all about it.
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page 23: Sharing Porn Leads College Student to Success, Friendship >> An awkward beginning to a promising college career.
Meet The Staff Managing editor Katelyn Lilly Copy Editors Sean Neumann, Austin Gomez Advertising Managers Megan Hambleton, Megan Rivera Writers Katelyn Lilly, Sean Neumann Austin Gomez, Becky Jacobs Grace Haka, Richie Owens Sam Dewey, Sam Caravette Scott Gantner, Mike Benson Brian Barsotti, Patrick Filbin Dan Mirabelli
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Dear Kitty Kat, So I’m a freshman here, and there’s a guy down the hall from me in my dorm that I’m totally interested in. The only problem is that he’s a total virgin and well ... I’m not even close. How do I get him to like me without thinking I’m a total slut? Sincerely, Open for Business Dear Whore, Been there, done that, girlfriend. And let me tell you—it’s not an easy ride. It’s going to take a lot of commitment for him to even have feelings for you, let alone think your legs aren’t permanently spread apart. But it is doable, if you’re willing to work. First of all, don’t write your phone number on his door’s dry erase board with some flirty message and expect him to text you in a timely fashion. He won’t; he won’t even notice it’s there. Instead, I suggest something more drastic. Steal his phone for the night, delete all of his contacts and text messages, and then add only your number back in. That way he’ll get the hint that you’re the only one he should be concerned with. Guys dig confidence. Also, getting really drunk and inviting him over to your room is no way to send a “slut-free” vibe in his direction. Take a more friendly approach and ask him to go play ball with you at the ARC or DDR in the Union (if you’re one of those weirdos). He’ll get to see you all sweaty and competitive with that crazed look in your eye. If he can’t love you then, he never will. Do you get the idea? Basically, just do anything that doesn’t involve sex for the time being. Show him how desperate you are for him to notice you, and he eventually will. As soon as he shows the smallest interest in you, jump his friggin’ bones. You said he’s a virgin, right? Yeah, he’ll go for it. Later, Kitty Kat
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g in y u B n e m sh e Fr s u lo a ze r e Ov
surplus of condoms
By: Richie Owens
Illinois freshman Tom Zalesny has never had sex before but now that he is in college, he is more than confident that he will. “None of the girls from my high school were all that pretty or cool, so that’s why I haven’t had sex yet,” Zalesny said, looking at his feet. “I’m stocking up on condoms big time, because I’m sure to be rolling in a lot of lady juices soon.” Zalesny is one of many freshmen here in Champaign-Urbana who thinks this. Corner stores and the McKinley Health Center are quickly running out of everybody’s favorite prophylactics. “This happens every year,” said Dr. Robert D. Palinkas, Director of McKinley Health Center. “These kids just assume that since they don’t have parents around or that there are more girls to meet, they’re just going to bang the night away, but in reality they’re all going to be sorely disappointed.” “Listen, I’m not going to lie to you,” Zalesny said. “I’m sure I’ll have three or four left over at the end of the semester, but I’m damn sure going to try to get rid of them all.” It seems that this sort of smug douchebaggery is common amongst most of the freshmen on campus; however, this seems to be a nationwide epidemic. “I see more and more kids all across the country that just sort of expect to get laid, especially those in their first years of college,” said U.S. Surgeon General Boris D. Lushniak. “They don’t think it’ll take any effort, thought or anything. And don’t even get me started on foreplay.
I mean, it’s pretty great that they want to be safe and not have a kid or contract a venereal disease, but kids these days are just too full of themselves and don’t understand that they probably won’t be slinging the jelly as much as they’d hope.” Even after hearing this, Zalesny was not deterred. “Man, those old farts are just jealous that they can’t get it up,” Zalesny said. “I’m in the prime of my life: physically, mentally and especially sexually. There isn’t anything that’s going to derail this fuck-train.” Unbeknownst to Mr. Zalesny, we showed a picture of him to 50 girls around campus and asked if they would be interested in fornicating with him. Five of them replied saying, “Maybe if I was drunk enough.” Ten thought it was a joke, and ten others said, “Oh, God ... that poor guy...” The remaining 25 just sort of cried or walked away. “Whoa,” Zalesny said after presenting him the women's responses, “That’s awesome! Five girls? Were they hot? Haha, just kidding, it really doesn’t matter, I guess. As for the rest of them, I’d be happy with even a fingerbang sesh.” This sort of attitude will certainly help him in his long-term hopes of using all of his condoms, because recent research shows that if you are a beggar, you most certainly cannot be a chooser. Zalesny's mom had a few things to say on her son’s steadfast, sexual attitude. “Well, Thomas has always had a… confident... attitude towards
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things,” Mrs. Zalesny said. “I remember when he was a little boy, he said to me ‘Mommy, I just want to get balls deep up in it.’ So that day I signed him up for baseball, and he never even thought about quitting! I’m not exactly sure what he’s talking about now when he says he just wants to ‘nail a hole’ and ‘slam his hammer,’ but I’m sure whatever he builds will be beautiful.” Only time will tell what happens to Thomas Zalesny and the rest of the freshman class who think that they will be “hiding the pickle,” but the fact that it seems unlikely to everybody else is not stopping these kids from trying. “We know the odds aren’t really in our favor,” Zalesny said. “We are just freshmen, but I know that this year, this class, the class of 2017, will leave our pre-release stains as the most sexually active class this university has ever seen. Go Illini!”
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Relaxed Fraternity Rush is Perfect for Chess Club President Wendell Prescott, III By: Jupiter Stevens Since the University of Illinois hit number three on the Princeton Review’s Top Party Schools list, both the administration and the IFC have been working tirelessly to ensure that students stop having so much fun and stop having it quickly. This policy has led to extreme regulation of fraternity Rush events, which has caused all fraternities to resort to “dry Rush.” While this change has steered many students away from Greek life altogether, the switch to dry Rush has also led to greater diversification in many fraternities, including that of Kappa Theta Kappa.
the Kappa Theta Kappa fraternity, which I am happy to call my best chums. In the Elven tongue, I wish to say ‘Amin mela lle ve i tessa en hrive pinquelek ar i narra en urra anga!’ which translates to 'I love you like the tight grip of winter frost and the sting of hot iron!’ Second, I want it to be known that big changes are coming. For instance, why are we wasting so much money on social events? I say we take the money from our social budget and invest it in custom chess boards and a new air filtration system for my asthma.”
Kappa Theta Kappa is breaking new ground this semester by being the first fraternity in campus history to admit students from the University’s Illini Chess Club. This move has undoubtedly put people up in arms, but has also garnered much praise from both the IFC and The United States Chess Foundation, which has come to refer to the event as, “Our Brown v. Board.” Kappa Theta Kappa President Josh “Goose” LaPointe said that the decision to admit students from the chess club was absolutely necessary.
With their social budget now put towards chess and chess-related paraphernalia, Kappa Theta Kappa has officially become the first chessoriented social living space on the UIUC campus. However, Prescott does not aim to stop there. “On Wednesday and Friday, I plan to implement total dedication to our newly founded Dungeons & Dragons guild. Right now we should be embarrassed. Our Eladrins are working with class three protective armor, class four tops. And our Mage can’t even cast a simple abjuration spell. I mean, when I came here nobody in Kappa Theta Kappa even had a thirty-five sided die.”
“Yeah ... we were short like three guys. We would have lost our chapter...” LaPointe said to the press. LaPointe also expressed interest in keeping the event quiet from the press. “We didn’t want anyone to know. But now everybody knows.” When asked if this position was intended to express how obvious Chess Club equality should be in Greek life, LaPointe responded, “Yeah, sure.” Illini Chess Club President Wendell Prescott, III has been much more vocal with his excitement about what this event symbolizes and also about the further progress that can be made for Chess Club members across the nation. “First, I want everyone to know how grateful I am to
All of these changes have been met with astounding enthusiasm and acceptance from active members of Kappa Theta Kappa. “If only one of them leaves we’ll lose our chapter. So, yeah, I think it’s great,” LaPointe has said about many of the changes. Despite the total abolition of alcohol and women from the grounds of Kappa Theta Kappa, the average GPA of most Kappa Theta Kappa fraternity members has actually declined. “Yeah, we don’t drink anymore, but we’re supposed to play Starcraft for multiple hours a day. My grades are really hurting.” However, Prescott’s own GPA has personally boosted the fraternity up to within the top three on campus, which IFC has called “good enough.”
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“Yeah, I’m sure the change is hard for a lot of these guys,” Wendell has admitted. “But once the new season of Dr. Who comes out we’ll be playing a lot less video games.”
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High School Sweethearts
Still Going Strong (as Far as They Know) By: Tex Mex
Three weeks into their now-long distance relationship, a high school couple who vowed to “make things work” in spite of attending two different universities, claim that things are “still going well” and “could never be better” … as far as they know. With Katie going to the University of Iowa and Daniel at the University of Illinois, the pair who started their seven-month relationship during senior year at a suburban Illinois public high school figured that the four-hour drive between each other would be “tough” at first but ultimately “worth the challenge.” It’s been theorized that Daniel was tenderly rubbing Katie’s shoulder when he first said this, followed with a sweet peck on the cheek. “It’s just what feels right at this point in our lives, you know?” said Daniel, after getting settled into his room in Forbes Hall. “We both love each other very much and there’s no doubting we’ll need each other for support when the distance gets overwhelming. But at the same time, we both need to grow and experience college. Hopefully that’s something we can do together.” During his first few weeks at Illinois, Daniel has blacked out for the first four times in his life, gotten high with his floormates on a nightly basis, made an ass out of himself pole dancing at Joe’s, fell face-first after pole dancing at Joe’s, received his first drinking ticket, and found himself knuckle-deep in a girl from the same high school who he’d never really talked to before despite sexual tension that’s totally been developing between them for years now. Katie and Daniel chat on Skype frequently in order to plan their bi-monthly visits with each other, which have since turned to once
a month “if they’re lucky,” since their schedules are getting “pretty hectic around this time of the year.” Roommates of the couple state that, when Skyping, Daniel and Katie lock their respective rooms for a few hours, likely masturbating to each other awkwardly with headphones on. When the two of them ask each other how their social lives have been, they both respond with something along the lines of: “It’s okay. I’ve gone out a few times, but nothing special … I miss you, though!”
the first time since not seeing him for more than a month. Though they had the whole Champaign-Urbana area at their disposal, Daniel did not take Katie to any bars or parties, since he found that scene “sort of obnoxious and immature,” to which Katie hesitantly agreed. Instead, Daniel treated her to dinner at the Ike, and the two of them walked hand-inhand to the UGL to rent a nice Adam Sandler romantic comedy and two other animated movies they wouldn’t end up watching.
During Katie’s first few weeks at Iowa, she has had her eyes set on rushing several sororities, showed up to her ANTH 101 lecture hungover with her heels and wristband still on from the night before, Snapchatted nudes of herself to that sophomore living a few floors down from her, has incessantly bitched about her weird roommate who “never goes out because of anxiety or some bullshit,” and engaged in a threesome with a mystery man and who she thinks was another girl she met at a house party.
When Spanglish’s credits were rolling, Daniel’s roommate asked him if he wanted to pass his bottle of Burnett’s around for a couple swigs. Daniel looked at Katie, politely declined, and retorted saying, “Nah, it’s not really my thing, man.” Katie smiled, and the two looked into each other’s eyes with gigantic lumps in their throats for three straight hours talking about how they couldn’t imagine spending time with anyone else. Afterward, they walked to Insomnia Cookies and talked about how much they hated “irritating drunk people” and how they were glad to both be “waiting until 21” to drink.
It’s also been reported that if Katie is approached at the bars by an unsightly guy, she will immediately pull the “sorry, I have a boyfriend” card to impede him from dry humping her leg like a neutered Pomeranian. If the guy is a solid 7.5 out of 10 or higher, she is said to forget that Daniel ever existed. “Daniel’s a really sweet guy,” said Katie after a two-and-a-half hour Skype sex session. “I know most people say that high school relationships don’t really work out in college, but I really can’t imagine what my life would be without a guy like him. Plus, it’s nice to have a mutual understanding of our freedoms so we don’t suffocate each other.” Just last weekend, Katie visited Daniel for
After her departure, Katie wiped away her tears on the road before responding to her inbox filled to the brim with booty-call messages and texts-upon-texts of “hey,” “hey were are u,”“no seriousl though i love you Karl,” “Katie* sorry im drunk ahahas,” and “hey can i get another tit pic ;)?” Daniel also took Katie’s leaving hard but licked his emotionally pussified wounds by spending the rest of the night on pornhub.com. After watching dozens of “WILD COLLEGE GIRLS PARTAKE MASSIVE ORGY”-titled videos, Daniel began to rethink his relationship with Katie upon seeing how “totally easy” college girls can be.
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Ways Social Media is Ruining Your Life By: Sam Caravette
While social media sites are a great way to stay in touch with old friends in the ‘burbs and stay up to date on concerts at Canopy Club, they have taken over our generation and are sending it straight to rock bottom. If you don’t think the Internet has that much influence, here are the top ten ways social media is setting you up for an awful fall semester. 10.) Everyone Assumes You’re Egocentric: And they’re right! You’re crazy to think that people actually care about what you’re posting, especially when it appears on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and the scoreboard at Memorial Stadium. Work on your own self-satisfaction rather than fishing for attention on your GPA and your awesome new job at the UGL. 9.) You Can’t Get Away With Anything: Even if you’re not stupid enough to post pictures or update where you are, sites often post your location anyway. So while you told your annoying friend you’re at grandma’s house in Skokie, she’ll soon find out that you’re actually partying at High Dive without her. 8.) Everyone Judges You … Hard: Social media is the quickest way to broadcast your slutty pole dance at Joe’s to the world. You may not even want to post it even, but your friend does. When it comes to stalking profiles, people always go for the tagged and subsequently worst photos on your page, which means your character is already being judged before people get to know you. Sorry, Poop Girl.
7.) Lingo Makes You Lazy: Abbreviations and poor grammar may seem acceptable online, but there isn’t one person in the world who truly adores Internet slang. Suddenly essays become way more difficult since you actually have to spell out “y-o-u” and capitalize proper nouns. Oh, the humanity! 6.) Unnecessary Stress: Unless you have natural wit, you likely feel the pressure to be funny on sites like Twitter in order to obtain followers. Since when do people feel the need to put on a show just for the adoration of strangers? That only works during Rush (barely). 5.) Jacks Up Your Sleep Schedule: Being on the Internet is like a time machine; you glance at the clock at 10 p.m., and five minutes later you have an 8 a.m. at Wohlers. A good rule of thumb: Once you hit the weird part of YouTube or start Googling Fat Sandwich porn, it’s time to close the laptop. 4.) Lowers Your Inhibitions: You wouldn’t just casually strike up a relationship with a total stranger on the street, so why do people do it online? Not only are you screwing up your ability to contribute to real life interactions, but also you’re now susceptible to being catfished by the Help Stop Violence guy pretending to be an 18-year-old model. Yikes! 3.) Causes Psycho Girlfriend Syndrome: Do you find yourself overanalyzing punctuations? Do you become antsy when someone takes more than five minutes to respond? Because of the lack of verbal communication, the sender leaves interpretation of emotion up to the reader. Get used to arguments over a period or ending friendships based on the letter “K.” 2.) Creates Lack of Focus: Studying has never been an easy feat. The distraction of the colorful online world now makes it almost impossible. A 10/90 split between your chemistry textbook and Facebook stalking is what’s killing your GPA, not the professor. 1.) Forces You to Work Out: Everyone tends to embellish their lives on the Internet in order to seem impressive to others. The problem with constantly posting about working out at the ARC is that people expect you to look fit when they see you. Bragging about supposedly lifting 250 pounds isn’t going to do shit when people see that your arms are as limp as a wet noodle.
09
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Freshman knows everything After a Few Weeks on Campus By: Jupiter Stevens Freshman Chris Baker reported last night that he finally knows everything about Champaign-Urbana. The 18-year-old little shit released an official statement on the bathroom wall of Scott Hall last night, stating, “If anyone needs to know what bus to take to get to the Quad, just let me know.” It was last weekend when Baker's family visited that he started to realize he was, in fact, an expert on the University of Illinois and both cities of Champaign and Urbana. “I was just showing my parents and my little sister around campus, and they kept complimenting me on how much I knew and how much I've grown up in the past two weeks,” Baker said stepping onto the 6E Orange bus in order to go to visit his friend at Allen Hall. “I guess I do just know everything.” Baker said that his ability to answer any question about campus or the school is what impressed his family the most. “My parents asked me where the Alma Mother was, and I had to explain to them that it's getting painted and stuff,” Baker proudly explained. “I mean, everyone knows that.” Baker said his father was most impressed with the school when he inaccurately explained to him how the Illini men's basketball team won the NCAA Na-
tional Championship in 2004, since no one could stop “D. Brown.” “He was a little confused, though,” Baker said. “He wanted to know what the 'D' stood for in 'D. Brown,' and I had to tell him his full name, 'Darrell Brown’.” While Baker's family is blown away by the trivial knowledge he has gathered in his first few weeks on campus, he said his friends are equally appreciative. “Everyone comes to me for advice,” Baker said. “Even girls come to me asking me about which frats would be best for them.” One girl, Stephanie Duckett, previously asked Baker for advice on “which fraternity was best for her,” but as it turns out, XXX is not a frat. Or a sorority. The whereabouts of Duckett are still unknown.
and bikes had to yield to me,” fellow freshman Jimmy Clauson said. “I got a jaywalking ticket. Who gets a fucking jaywalking ticket?”
finally came back and complained that he was still the mascot. What grade did we get? We got a fucking F, what do you think? What a moron.”
“Wow ... I guess I made a mistake,” Baker said quietly, before erupting, “but even God makes mistakes, right INDIANA?” he chortled.
Tony Molina, another freshman who had a group project with Baker in his LAS 101 Freshman Seminar, said that he was also duped into believing Baker's self-proclaimed campus expertise.
Baker said he's upset that people are starting to doubt him, but knows they'll “come around.”“It's not easy being the guy everyone looks to,” Baker said. “There's a lot of poor suckers who don't know how to navigate their way around campus or what kind of history is around them. It's my job to help.”
For the first couple of weeks, Baker's hall and classmates believed his advice but have recently caught on to his lack of general and factual knowledge. “He told me that I could just walk across the streets whenever I wanted because there was a law that cars
“We had to do this project about the school and its history,” Molina explained. “He wrote down that the school was founded by a Native American and that's why the Chief was our mascot for so long, but because he was fired from the University, his family
Baker left by inviting us to his nineteenth birthday party next week at C.O. Daniel’s because, “Didn’t you hear? They’re reopening!”
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Friday 9/6
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE with ELIOT LIPP, TEAM BAYSIDE HIGH, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, MILK N COOKIES, D1RTY NO1ZE and more!!
Happy Hour Food Specials! $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans, $3 Vegas Bombs, $3 Cuervo Shots, $4 Long Islands
DJ Belly, 10pm No Cover Before 11pm!
Saturday 9/7
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
AAA, AKPhi, CST and VSA presents SPACE JAM Dance Party!
Open at 10am Niro's Gyros is Open Inside Cly's! $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $3 Voli Vodka (All Flavors)
Say Reggae, 9pm No Cover Before 11pm!
Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho
Sunday 9/8
Closed
CLOSED
Monday 9/9
$2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser/Bud Light Pitchers
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm Followed by the MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY HOUSE BAND! $1 Drinks! $2 Slices from Manolos! $1 Cover!
$2 U CALL IT
Retro Monday, FREE! DJ Mingram spinning the best 80s and 90s tunes $1.50 Domestic Bottles, $2 Well Drinks
Tuesday 9/10
$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week
THE PIANO MAN Returns! Shay is back on the keys playing all your favorites! $3 Real Long Islands, $1 Cover
WINE NIGHT! $8 BOTTLES OF WOODBRIDGE WINE $8 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $2 WELLS
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
Wednesday 9/11
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
Check out www.canopyclub.com for all our upcoming concerts!
LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
The BarGrid Page 2 of 3
DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
SATURDAY! GAMEDAY Open at 9am! Serving Breakfast 9-10:30am $1.99 Pancakes & Bacon ILLINI vs Cincinnati 11am Get your Gameday Glass Mug!
MONDAY: $3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich
Wednesday 9/4
Karaoke & Mug Night!: YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum, $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips 4PM-10PM
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe
Thursday 9/5
NFL Kickoff: Broncos vs Ravens 7pm, WIN BEARS TICKETS $3 Long Islands, Half Price Whiskey, $5 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers
Friday 9/6
F.A.C. Friday After Class! $3.99 Haus Fries $3 Three Olives Vodka $3 Captain Morgan $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Cuervo Silver Shots
Saturday 9/7
SUNDAY: DA BEARS! Build Your Own Bucket 5 Beers for $11 $2 Jager Bombs
WED: Half Off Drafts!* $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's
Half Off Drafts!* $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef
Risque Thursdays $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
$3 Smirnoff $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich
Open Mic Stand, 7pm, $5 DJ Delayney at 9pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 with Student ID
$3 Jim Beam $2 Pinnacle Punch $6 Pitchers of Orange Shandy
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
GAMEDAY Open at 9am! Serving Breakfast 9-10:30am $1.99 Pancakes & Bacon ILLINI vs Cincinnati 11am Get your Gameday Glass Mug!
Catch Every Game at Guido's!
De Noche Free Salsa Class at 9pm Salsa dancing until 2am! $6 Beer + Shot, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum and Cola
$3 Bacardi, $2 Bacardi Shooters, $6 Pitchers of Lunch Box
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Sunday 9/8
BEARS vs BENGALS Noon Win A Bears Jersey! $2 ANYTHING in the HOUSE! $2.99 Beer Nuggets All Day 7pm SNF:Giants vs Cowboys
$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
Build Your Own Bucket 5 Beers for $11 $2 Jager Bombs
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Monday 9/9
Monday Night Kickoff! Eagles vs Redskins 6pm Texans vs Chargers 10pm Pop Culture Trivia Between Quarters! $2 Long Islands HALF PRICE APPETIZERS!
$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich
DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card
MNJ $2 Blackbeard $2 Bud Platinums
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Tuesday 9/10
TIME WARP TUESDAYS! $2.99 CHEESEBURGER & CHIPS 4PM-10PM HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $6 BUD & BUD LIGHT PITCHERS $2 WELLS, $2.50 SOCO $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt
Wednesday 9/11
Karaoke & Mug Night!: YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum, $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips 4PM-10PM
$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe
$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken
Risque Thursdays $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm
$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
*Except Miller High Life
*Except Miller High Life
$2 Blue Moons, Tequila Tuesday and all the 90's you can handle!
$2 Fireball $2 Redd's
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Half Off Drafts!* $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
*Except Miller High Life
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CONDOMINIUMS The BarGrid Page 3 of 3
KAM'S School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Come join the Logo Mug Club and enter to win a Pub Neon (Starts Sept. 4th)
SATURDAY: REVERSE FOOTBALL BLOCK Open at 11am ILLINI vs Cincinnati 11am $1 DRAFTS
Every Day! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes
Logo Mug Night: 9/4 Miller Lite Bears & 9/11 Rolling Rock $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs
BUCKET NIGHT $4 JIM BEAM BUCKETS $4 PINNACLE VODKA BUCKETS $4 CRUZAN RUM BUCKETS $2 SAILOR JERRY DRINKS
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Wed. 9/4
Platinum Wednesdays Bud Girls! Win Cubs Tickets $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers $4 Bacardi Buckets
Mustache Night!
SPECIAL NIGHT
SUNDAY FUNDAY! Bears Football Tailgate at Noon $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts
Klub Kam’s with Live DJ $5 KamIslands, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Lite & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Redd’s Bottles, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots Glow Sticks & Great Dance Music
Mustache Night!
$2.50 Corona, Stella Artois, Heineken 2.50 Skyy Mixers $5 Jameson & Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Orchata
SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV VODKA $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS $2.50 BUD BOTTLES $5 24oz SHACKERS
Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it $2 Soco Lime
Thursday 9/5
Absolut Friday! DJ Delicato at 10pm, Beat the Bearcats Party $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt. Cans, $3 Jameson Shots $1.50 Mickey’s Bottles
BIG FRIDAY! BIGGER IS BETTER! $5 BIG 32 oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms
$3 Pub Stout & Batch 19 $7.50 Rolling Rock Pitchers $2.50 Wild Turkey & Bacardi Mixers, $4 Jager Bombs
NATTY TAILGATE PARTY OPEN AT 5PM $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES $1 BURNETT'S WHIPPED VODKA $3 JIM BEAM, $3 JAGER BOMBS $4 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it
Friday 9/6
ILLINI FOOTBALL! ILL vs Cincinnati 11am, Open 7am, PreGame Party with the BUD GIRLS 8-11am, $2.50 22oz Bud Lt. Drafts, $2.50 Illini Cans, $4 UV Blue Guys, $4 Jager Mary’s and Bombs, $4 Jim Beam & Red Stag Free Shuttle to Game, Bloody Mary Bar, DJ at 10pm
Solo Cup Saturday! Solo Cup Specials $1 Baby Bombs
$2.50 Killians, Leinies, Third Shift & Shock Top Pints, $2.50 Bacardi Mixers, $5 Jameson Irish Whiskey Doubles
REVERSE FOOTBALL BLOCK Open at 11am ILLINI vs Cincinnati 11am $1 DRAFTS
$4 Pitchers, $2 U Call It
Saturday 9/7
SUNDAY FUNDAY! Bears Football Tailgate at Noon $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
Trivia Starts Sept. 4 @ 9pm $6 PBR & Hamms $2.50 Wells (U-Call It) $4 Pub Bombs
Book your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our Event Planners at CochraneParty@gmail.com or Call 217-722-9000
$1 U Call It
Sunday 9/8
Monday Night Football Kickoff: Open 6pm 6p Phil at Wash - 9:15p Hou at SD $1.50 Lite Pop Top Cans - Win Miller Fun!, $5 Pitchers, Free Pizza at Half Time, Pool League Starts $2 Jack & Soco, Jack Daniels Girls!
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
$3.50 Guinness, Smithwick’s $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle Vodka Mixers
MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS $2 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 RED BULL VODKA’S
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
Monday 9/9
Country Nite “Drink in Your Mason” $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles, $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts $1 Incinerator Shots, Country DJ Upstairs, House DJ Downstairs
$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
$3 Blue Moon + Red’s Apple Ale Pints, $5 Jim Beam Honey Barrels, $2.50 Dr. Shots
$2 UV VODKA $1 SHOTS (SHOT MENU) $3 BUD LIGHT 24oz TALLBOYS
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
Tuesday 9/10
Platinum Wednesdays Bud Girls! Win Cubs Tickets $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers $4 Bacardi Buckets
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night: 9/4 Miller Lite Bears & 9/11 Rolling Rock $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs
BUCKET NIGHT $4 JIM BEAM BUCKETS $4 PINNACLE VODKA BUCKETS $4 CRUZAN RUM BUCKETS $2 SAILOR JERRY DRINKS
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Wed. 9/11
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Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets If you had to compete to save the human race from an alien invasion, what would you choose to compete in?
r Senior Pat F., Supe
Something’s getting tapped, am I right?! “Badminton.”
ior Gina B., Sen
“I’d win in a gunshot duel.”
a d St u d e n t Ryan H., Gr
“Pool.”
15
Bartenders of the Week Relationship Status: Single
Relationship Status: Come and get me.
Favorite Shot: Dirty Girl Scout
Favorite Drink: Maker’s Mark
Where would you rather be right now?: Partying with friends.
Where would you rather be right now?: Seattle
What drink is the biggest pain in the ass to make?: Long Islands by hand.
Who is your favorite Mark?: Wahlberg, he’s a triple threat. When and where was the last time you involuntarily saw someone naked?: Memorial Stadium during graduation week.
When was the last time you involuntarily saw someone naked?: One of my roommates was running around last year.
If you could be a mythical creature, what would it be?: Liger, come on.
If you could be a mythical creature, what would it be?: Vampire that could read minds.
What do you think those corporate fat cats are up to?: Cunting up the economy.
What do you think those corporate fat cats are up to?: Getting rich and fat.
Describe how you feel about yourself in five words: Roguishly handsome asshole.
Describe how you feel about yourself in five words: Confident, funny, caring, assertive, hardworking.
Katy of
Underground
Do you think you could take a bobcat in a fight? : Hell yes, I am strong. What TV show are you most excited to have back?: Grey’s Anatomy Describe this bar in hashtags: #awesome
Xander of White Horse
Do you think you could take a bobcat in a fight?: Yes … pussies love me. Describe this bar in hashtags: Who the fuck hashtags? Why should people read The Black Sheep?: They try.
Recipe for disaster
Drinking Game Rush Liar's Watch Dice
Big Boy Chili
The most entertaining time of theasyear haswe’re to besoRush. short-skirted freshmen We all lie, whether it’s to our parents to why tired, Desperate, or to our friends as to why making out girls with running campus trying thing to impress people who giveinto them a second look if that uggoaround was a totally reasonable to do. Translate that wouldn’t love for deceit a game of gambling: they Liar’s had Dice.the choice. Their struggle and stress provides a great basis for an afternoon drinking game.
It’s football season, bitches. If you’re not out standing in the stadium, cheering on your team like a MAN, then you better be inside in front of the TV with a six pack and a tub of chili. Oh, no chili? We got you covered.
What You’ll Need: Six dice per player, one opaque cup per player, some beer.
Number of Players: What You’ll Need:2+ A case of beer and a prime spot on campus on the Rush route. Level of Intoxication: be asking what’s theto haps theof craps (in your pants).for this. Number of Players:You’ll Shouldn’t be too hard geton a lot dudes together Level of Intoxication: Depends on the quality of the Rush class.
How to Play: • The object of the game is to be the last player with any dice left. • Gets a girl’s phone How Play: • Eachto player rolls a die. The highest score will be the first person to act for thenumber first hand. Each hand • Gets a kiss •first Find an apartment frat house on camto act rotates left oforthis person. girlplayer to flash himthe cup top-down pus that recruitment willto have toup pass • Now, each player usesgirls the cup shake his or her• Gets dice. a Each places • Gets slapped told off face value. Ones to fromEach sorority tosecretly sorority.looks at his dice. Twos on race the table. player through sixesorare worth • Makes a girl laugh •are Aswild. soon as you catch sight of a group of • The first to act must make a bet on the number• Convinces and quantitya of the of dice the Rush table. girl toset drop outon from Rush girlsplayer coming through, chug a beer. example, cantheir claimbeer “therehas areto four table.” a girl to come back and Convinces •For Last persona bettor to finish gosixes at•the • Theand player to the leftthe of the firstfor bettor may do three things: with him out walk with girls as long as one of drink • Increase the number of total dice on the table (raising four sixes to seven sixes, for example). • Convinces a girl to dance with him in possible. • Increase the dice value (Raise three twos to three threes). the street • The watchers(Stop backplay, at base have to taketoasee if the • Challenge dice are revealed most recent bettor wins or loses). Once the gives up and drink every time the walker with theorgirls • If a challenge occurs and there are equal greater• numbers of guy dice on the table thancomes the lastback betbase, for the next groupdice of girls to accomplishes one of following: tor (including wilds), hethe or she wins. If there is less to than the wait total number of gambled on the come through and repeat the process. • Gives a girl his phone table, the challenger wins. number • The loser of the challenge removes a die and drinks for three seconds.
The Game Ends When: The case is dry and the recruitment round has stopped for the The day.Game Ends When: Only one player has any dice left.
What You’ll Need: Oil, a crockpot, a frying pan, ground beef, a can of diced tomatoes, 4 cans of kidney beans, a can of tomato paste, chopped onions, a can of beef broth, chili powder, sliced hot dogs, brown sugar and garlic Cook Time: About 3 hours, be patient Fatty Factor: MEN DON’T COUNT CALORIES Let’s Get Baked: • In the frying pan, break up and cook the ground beef in a little oil until it is browned. • Turn on your crockpot to medium heat and add in the beef and hot dog slices with the tomatoes, tomato paste, half of your beans and beef broth. • Cover the pot and let the chili simmer for about an hour. • Add in the remainder of ingredients (the other half of the beans, onion, chili powder, brown sugar and garlic) and continue to let the chili cook on the low setting, covered for another hour and half. • Taste test! Make sure it’s hot and flavored nicely. If not, make the adjustments. YOU BETTER HAVE YOUR WOMAN MAKE THIS FOR YOU.
Great, you going won. Now head confession, sinner. Keep this until BidtoDay!
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Booze Review Monte Alban Tequila Silver
Grade: Umm. written by: Kitty Kat
When we gathered around the table of alcohol choices at our weekly shitshow, many proved squeamish at the sight of the Monte Alban Tequila bottle—mostly because it was tequila but also partially because it wasn’t something familiar like Jose Cuervo or Patron. Our trusty and courageous editor shoved us off to the side and said, “Come on pussies. What are you afraid of?” before ripping off the cap and pouring a quarter of the contents straight into her throat. We all cheered wildly until she thrusted the bottle neck into each of our mouths in turn, insisting we keep drinking until she pulled it away. And we did because she’s really terrifying, even when she’s sober. And we knew she’d have us fired if we didn’t. Within 20 minutes, the bottle had been finished, and only one writer stifled a loud, pukey burp. “Great, let’s go,” our editor stated before marching calmly out the door, wearing only one shoe and failing to bring a wallet or ID of any kind. We followed her lead out into the street and down to … well, we don’t really know where we went first. We’re not even sure if you can call it a “first.” Was there a second? A third? Was it all just a dream?
User Comments: “Oh dear God, it stings.” “So we can’t use a lime or anything?” “Wow, you drank that like, really fast.” *evacuates bowels* What Your Family Members Would Say if They Saw You Drinking This: “Do you need to see a therapist?” – Grandma “DID YOUR FATHER PUT YOU UP TO THIS? THIS IS WHY I LEFT HIM.” - Mom An Apt Anagram of “Monte Alban Tequila“: La Eloquent Man Bait Where it Ranks on the Tequila Hierarchy: Sauza is to this as Patron is to Sauza.
So when it comes to grading this spirit, we can’t really give it a fair letter. But since we don’t remember, it was probably really good.
You’ll Like This if You Like: Waking up in a hot vat of vomit that either belongs to you or the stranger next to you in bed. Shaving your pubes with a rusty razor blade while vinegar tears stream down your face.
Typical Drinkers: Psychotic females after a break-up Innocent freshmen boys who kinda know a guy with a fake ID Thirty-somethings who use the phrase “I’m just gonna do me!”
Food Pairing Suggestion: A Fiery Doritos Locos Taco Supreme during Fourthmeal that you don’t mind if it comes out the other end later on … oh, and a large Mountain Dew Baja Blast
mixing center: Just take it as a shot, wimp.
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Bow Guys and No Bows: The Art of The Bow Tie By: Scotty G. Are bow ties cool? Maybe. Are they dumb? Maybe. Are there some people who can confidently pull them off like Don Draper in a skinny tie? You bet your mid-day office-drinking ass there are. Bow tie bearers are an elite few. They’re like the Marines. Once you’re in, you’re objectively cool, but they’re near impossible to get into. Bow tie-wearers can be separated into two groups: Bow Guys and No Bows. How do you know which one you are? Let’s walk through some famous examples to give you an idea.
Bow Guy - Bruce Bowen:
What makes Bruce Bowen a Bow Guy? For starters, he’s got the word “Bow” right there in his name. Great start! Bowen is also a three-time NBA championship-winning player. After retiring from the game, he’s made appearances on ESPN as an analyst, and he always wears a bow tie. And dammit does he rock them. In his career, Bowen was widely known as one of the best shut down defenders in the league. Coincidentally enough, bow ties themselves are a great defense against boring attire. They are the hand-in-the-face of stylistic conformity, taking a charge from normal neck-wear. With the quickness of his hands, one can only assume he’s able to perfectly tie his bows well within the 24-second shot clock.
No Bow - Tucker Carlson:
Tucker Carlson has jumped around with several jobs on different news stations, but you probably know him best from his consistent bow tie wearing. Either that or you remember the time Jon Stewart was a guest on Crossfire and tore him up like Don Draper reaming
out an overstepping Pete Campbell. And it ended up costing Carlson his job with CNN. When Jon Stewart thrashes you that badly, you’re basically forced into radically changing your appearance. When you see his face framed by a bow tie, it’s hard to think of anything else. Pulling off a bow tie requires robust confidence, which is impossible to have when you’re getting hit by a verbal tsunami.
Bow Guy - Winston Churchill:
He beat Hitler while wearing a bow tie, come on. If he can’t pull it off, no one can.
Undecided - Male Strippers:
We’re of course referring to shirtless male strippers who sport the bow tie all by its lonesome. Women seem to like the look, which is the only reason a man would ever choose to wear something whilst working at a strip club. On the other hand, something tells us that it might not work for guys who don’t have the typical male stripper physique. Imagine walking through the Quad seeing every guy’s bare chest in the late summer heat. That’s enough to ruin the fashion statement altogether.
Bow Guy - Sam Waterston:
Sam Waterston was a long time regular on Law & Order, but his character on The Newsroom has bolstered him into a bonafide Bow Guy. His role requires a man who grumpily throws on a bow tie, goes to work and pours an office whiskey just like when Don Draper ... pours an office whiskey. Something about being an older man in a bow tie
TRIVIA IS BACK! THIS SUNDAY
TRIVIA STARTS AT 9PM
gives the impression that back in his day everybody did it, and all these kids have no idea that the long ties of today are just a fad.
No Bow - Probably You:
When you wear a bow tie, it usually just makes you look like Bozo the Clown’s makeup-less sidekick. Unless you’re in the South, the bow is probably out of place and should be nixed from the wardrobe. Unfortunately, it’s highly unlikely anyone will every abide by this guide—especially a seemingly-swanky frat man at an exchange. He’ll wear it no matter what we say. So instead of relying too much on the bow tie, how about starting a new fashion trend? Has anyone ever tried to make “floods” a thing?
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Continued from the cover Even after all of this enlightenment, trouble has recently emerged in the Greek community. Although the strains of buying alcohol, suffering from hangovers and drunk texting relatives are no longer a burden, sorority sisters and fraternity brothers are starting to think that maybe they picked the wrong houses during their own Rush season. “Tensions have been really fucking high the past few days,” Rush Chair Claire Lamboy hissed while frantically lighting a cigarette in the alley behind her sorority house. “I have all this shit to plan, and nobody will help me. All these little freshmen girls somehow found me on Facebook and have been messaging me nonstop about getting into our house. I can’t take it! I need a drink! I need a slutty night at Kam’s!” Lamboy was clearly flustered when she spoke with our staff, admitting that she was “really freaking sick” of every girl in her pledge class. “Every single thing about them makes me want to grow a beard and work at Murphy’s. I was an idiot to think I’d ever enjoy this chapter.” After hearing screams, arguments and the dreadful sound of hair being pulled straight out of the scalp, we figured the incessant fighting inside the sorority houses was due to the syncing of menstrual cycles amongst the girls. However, our journalists were surprised to see pretty much the same scene taking place in the UIUC frat houses, except with more fist fights and protein bottles being thrown around. It became obvious that the anger between students who were bound like family was fueled entirely by the lack of liquid friendship flowing through their systems. The alcohol was the only thing this entire time that kept these houses functioning rambunctiously, yet properly. With everyone involved in recruitment being sober as a Mormon, how are any potential new members going to know exactly where they fit in? And since the recruits won’t be going through the traditional rushing process, will they ever be accepted in the house as “real” members? “This year’s Rush is going to be especially annoying,” senior Social Chair Hank Rodriguez sighed. “Hazing is only fun when I’m piss drunk and making little shitheads do things I would never do.” Rodriguez went on to explain, in detail, the Rush process that he endured as a freshman, sharing things that pledges would normally get skinned alive for disclosing. “It’s a shame that I won’t be able to black out and beat a kid with my dad’s prosthetic leg this year.” The only person on campus who plans on rushing and doesn’t seem to be bothered by the new policy is freshman DGS student Laura Kelly. “I’m not even twenty-one yet, so I’m not supposed to drinking.” Our prediction for the future of the Greeks? We all know you’re secretly butt chugging in the bathroom or sneaking out to Brother’s every night. Don’t worry, you’ll survive a few more weeks. Our prediction for Kelly? Good luck getting into a top-tier house with that attitude.
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The Black Sheep Interviews
A Magician!
This week we interviewed Kevin Viner, a magician, because outside of Gob we really don’t know what it’s like to be a full-time magic man. Kevin primarily performs at corporate events, does some college mind-reading tours, and can be reached on Twitter at @KevinViner and OfficialKevinViner on Facebook. No matter what you learn from this, always remember that a trick is something a whore does for money.
By: Brendan and Quinn
The Black Sheep: How did you first get interested in magic, and what led to it becoming your career? Kevin Viner: From the time I was five years old I knew the direction I wanted to go. By the time I was eight or nine it was still what I wanted to do, so as far as I can remember it's been a passion of mine. TBS: What did you focus on when you were in school, knowing all you wanted to be was a magician? Kevin: Sports and everything came really easy to me because I realized that if I studied and worked hard it freed up time to do other things. I went to UC Irvine and studied math, because even though I'm in entertainment, I do a lot of corporate events. People have this misconception about being a magician, magic’s going to get you all the girls, magic’s going to be amazing and all this stuff. In corporate America people hear I’m a magician and think I do magic because it was my only choice, instead of thinking about how I do magic because I enjoy it. I knew I needed an education, because if you're performing for a room full of executives and can't hold your own, it's really detrimental to go through that. TBS: Did you start as an apprentice, or did you read books? How did you learn the trade? Kevin: I read a lot of books. My parents would take me down to the magic shop and pick up a lot of books when I was a kid, and I would study them front to back. And as my reading level increased, the more books I read. I didn't have a "mentor" until a few years ago. The guy works with Harvard and MIT doing lectures, but his day job is a magician. He's been really helpful these last few years in refining my act, but other than that it was really self-taught. TBS: Is there some sort of magician union, or is it every man for himself? Kevin: There’s a place in Hollywood called the Magic Castle, which is sort of a mecca for magicians. I started going to the Magic Castle when I was probably fifteen for classes and performing. I would go up there once month and meet with a young fraternity of other magicians who were interested in the same things. I met a lot of friends and learned from other people, but at the same time, I almost felt a little ostracized from the group because we didn’t share a whole lot of interests outside of magic. I tend to rely on myself now, because I've been doing it long enough that I don't need to learn any new grand ideas, since I know my base routines and can improvise off that. I used to hang out with a lot of magicians, but now I really hang out with five to ten really close friends who are in the magic community. TBS: Are there things you want to do in your act that you might not have the financial backing for? Kevin: It's very similar to any start-up company because you have to spend money to make money. So you could sit down with an idea and know you can do the trick, but will a corporation pay for you to do the extra trick? So if I have an idea that I know people would spend another $10,000 for, then sure I'd spend that money to get a return on that investment.
TBS: So, how much of your time is spent on working up new ideas, as opposed to performing? Kevin: That really depends on the day or week, like right now I'm in this crazy creative mode since during summer a lot of stuff tends to die down with both the corporate and college crowds. Then going into the winter things get crazy again. I've got companies booking me ahead of time for repeat business, so I don't need to focus on that side of things. A lot of the job is just a lot of reading and researching, hoping an idea will come to you, since you can get sort of a writer's block on ideas. TBS: What happens when something goes wrong? Kevin: When stuff happens — and it does, that's just a fact — there's not a lot you can do. Fortunately my style of performing lends itself well to this, but if you're David Copperfield and you're on stage and you really mess up a trick, you’re kind of shit out of luck. I do a lot of comedy on stage too, so my approach is if I can treat the audience to a good laugh after something doesn't work right, the more they're going to be on my side and they won't care. A well-placed one-liner improvised on the spot is always a pretty good cover-up. TBS: When you see other magicians do their tricks, is it easy for you to know what they're doing, or is there an aura of mystery still? Kevin: I pretty much know exactly what's going on since magicians are doing riffs on the same things. The stuff that fools me the most (and this is the same with audiences) is unexpected stuff. So if you know if a lady is going to float you're looking for strings or whatever, but if instead the lady turns into two ladies and then they disappear, you're caught off guard and it's a lot less likely that you'll figure it out. So that's an advantage magicians have in performing for regular audiences, we call them lay people, they don't know what's coming most of the time -- even with classic tricks. TBS: How often do you encounter unruly audience members? Kevin: Some people just want their voice to be heard because they're a high powered lawyer in LA, don't pay attention, and just want to be an alpha dog in the room; these guys don't really bother me, I can handle them pretty well. I've learned from a lot of different stand up comics on how to maintain character, shut the heckler up, and keep the audience on my side. So when it comes to hecklers, I’m able to get them to settle down by being really nice to them in the beginning, figure out a way to deflect or involve them, and then slowly get meaner and meaner as the situation allows, and as the audience turns against them as well. TBS: What is the hierarchy in magic, how do you go from a stage performer to having TV specials or Vegas specials, things like that? Kevin: First, it's a jump you really have to want. If you go to Vegas to do a show you'd need a talent promoter to bring you in, or you’d have to rent the theater and market it out yourself — and those shows almost always fail. If you really want to start doing TV you have to make yourself known in LA and around the Magic Castle. I have a talent agent
as well as being part of different casting agencies. You also have to realize in the big showrooms you won't necessarily be making as much money. There's two paths to take: the business approach where you go after weddings and the corporate events, that's where the money is, and you'll be able to make $50-60 grand in a year and work your way up to six figures even. But if you want to make it big time, you do the Vegas night club circuit and the comedy clubs that only pay $100 a night, and it's a grind, so you've got to want it badly. That stuff doesn't really interest me as much because I like doing the corporate events, so it's doubtful you'll ever see my name on a Vegas billboard. TBS: When you see the big magicians do they have access to resources that put them on another level? Kevin: Let's take David Blaine, and look at his special — you see him do the routine where he walks up to random strangers and asks their name. Then all of a sudden a taxi cab drives by with the name painted on the side. The thing is, there's more to that picture, which I won't get into, but there's more to that picture than what you're seeing, so with that stuff I know what's going. But then there's stuff that's just like, you know what's going on, barring some CGI work I know what's going on, how it works, and sometimes it's freakin' brilliant! I take most issue when a performer is levitating, and on TV you see them go four feet off the ground, but live the spectators are only seeing them go three inches off the ground. Now the spectator's reaction is real, but for the people at home it is much different. To me, that's when it gets a little stupid. Don't do that, have a better skill set to do better magic. But then the question becomes who wouldn't do the same thing? You can't really complain about someone who has a multimillion-dollar TV contract calling the shots.
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Salsa Not the Only Guinness World Record UIUC Planned to Break By: Jecky Bacobs Every year, the University of Illinois attempts to impress its freshmen. It doesn’t take much, but the University may have underdone itself this time. At this year’s convocation, students were served 6,840 pounds of salsa to break a world record. Just imagine how much diarrhea that converted to later that night. The salsa fiesta may have broken the Guinness World Record for largest serving, but here are some ideas that were tossed around before salsa made the cut. Tortilla Chips: It seems like an obvious connection. The second choice was the world’s largest serving of tortilla chips. It fits the chips and dip theme the University was going for, but tortilla chips alone would have left students dry-mouthed, heaving and hospitalized from dehydration. U of I decided that the 90-degree weather would have the same effect without the school having to pay thousands of hospital bills, so the chips were ditched. Child Sweatshop: While the campus will not be smoker-friendly this year, it had plans to be kid friendly. Chancellor Phyllis Wise’s annual welcome video was supposed to be laced with Willy Wonka oddness, tricking children into thinking the wonderfulness of the world comes free from drowning in chocolate and exploding from eating too much. Replace those indulgences with stress and debt, then you have Illinois’ award for Youngest Freshman Class, as made apparent by the video. With younger
students come longer degrees, more money for the university, publicity and free child labor for federal work-study positions. Packing the Morrow Plots: This seemed like the easy route. No other campus in the nation could claim the title of Most People in the Morrow Plots at One Time. But the only pro on the pro-con list for this possibility was that it would help weed the-dullest-tools-in-theshed students more than the engineering program already does. Who really wants to go down in the record books for this one? Side Arm Shots and Chalk Drawings: There’s a reason UIUC has such a big Greek society: It’s to fulfill world record requirements. Sorority girls are already setting records without even realizing it! The University wanted to go for the Most Sorority Girls Posing with Hands on Hips While Simultaneously Promoting Their Houses with Chalk Drawings on the Quad record. This would also break the record for Most Instagram Uploads from One University at the Same Time, which we’ve heard is a very sought-after title. This idea was nixed because really, who would want to waste their time with this?
not the refurbishing of Lincoln Hall, then it’s the creation of another engineering building on the north end of campus or a ridiculously expensive apartment complex on Green. To be efficient, UIUC could reconstruct the whole campus at once, relocating all classes to Parkland College. The World’s Largest Public University Construction Project! Longer commute but a more beautiful campus, coming in 2043!
Construction Project: Illinois campus memes joke all the time that “Urbana-Champaign” should be replaced with “Under–Construction,” and the administration caught on with this world record idea. If it’s
STAT 100 Registration: Math has already earned the award for Subject People Suck Most At. U of I wanted a piece of math’s success by having the Most Dummies Trying to Get Easy Math Credits record. Professor
Fireman is brilliant at what she does, helping students to pretend they understand math for a semester, but do the math: An easy class plus lazy students multiplied by the class expanded across the Quad equals success in math for everyone! Don’t let the strategic plans fool you. Sure, school officials want to improve the campus and hire 500 new employees, but there are bigger and better things beneath the Alma Mater’s belt. Breaking world records will bring fame and fortune to the campus. Why do you think she’s been gone so long? It’s an attempt at the record for Longest Statue Disappearing Act.
A Case For
Everybody knows procrastination: It’s when you have something that needs to be done, like finishing your homework or writing an article for The Black Sheep, but you put your chore off until later in favor of watching squirrels have sex by Altgeld. We’ve all been there before, and here we are—back at it again—now that Syllabus Week has come and gone.
Procrastination
Most folks pooh-pooh procrastination and ask, “Why put off ‘til tomorrow what you can do today?” And yet they never expect (or hope for) a serious answer to this question. They arrogantly assume that the question is rhetorical and that nobody could possibly have a reasonable response, even though the act of procrastination is more addicting than those new gyro burgers at Papa D’s. Weirdly, though, not often are pro-procrastination arguments ever made, probably because procrastinators are waiting until the last minute to make them.
By: Brian Barsotti
Predictable jokes aside, nobody stops to consider the benefits of postponing action. For one, you spend less time working when you give yourself less time to work. If you start your homework a week before it’s due, you’ll be regretfully inclined to go to office hours, study at the UGL, revise your work and search for all other sorts of timeconsuming marginal improvements. But if you wisely pressure yourself to only one night, then by golly, you’ll find a way to do it in only one night! It’s like a shit that comes out painfully but quickly on the sidewalk outside Red Lion. Another thing about not procrastinating is that it’s just depressing. See, when you work on a project or a paper ahead of time, you also have the freedom to not work on it. You could be using that time to pump iron at the ARC or create a new Mia Za’s masterpiece or to, you know, furiously masturbate. It’s the knowledge of “I could be doing something else” which makes responsible work habits a total bummer. However, with procrastination, you don’t dwell on the fun options you could choose instead of doing work, since they don’t exist. You’re stuck working, and that’s how it ought to be. Procrastination: 2, Working Ahead: 0. Moreover, it’s those who work ahead of schedule who have the wrong priorities. Oh, sure, they may have more ambition and they may be more accomplished citizens, yet they forget to do what’s most important in life: doing jack shit. That’s what makes you grow as a person. Nothing at all. You just stare at a tree and contemplate, “Gee, how did this get here? Who am I, really?” After an hour or two of that, you learn more about yourself. Seldom do workaholics or engineering students stop worrying and just smell the roses. There’s no end to the amount of work to be done, so you’ll never get the time to watch the Altgeld squirrels shag and play with their nuts unless you delay your duties when you can. Remember, life is a long series of eating, sleeping and avoiding the bathrooms at Kam’s. What you do beyond that is your decision. Procrastination can sometimes be a problem, but you shouldn’t be taught to not procrastinate; you should be taught how to procrastinate well. And what a better place to learn that than the great University of Illinois? Obviously, you shouldn’t start writing your 12-page term paper the night before it’s due. That’s incredibly stupid, not to mention self-destructive. Rather, you should start it two nights before it’s due. Now that’s smart. See, you have several factors to consider in calculating when is the right time to begin working on something, including when it will be due, how long the task is expected to take, what other plans you have near the time of the deadline and how bored you’ll be in the days preceding the due date. Jeez, procrastination is hard work.
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sharing porn Leads to Success, Friendship By: Sam Dewey
When it comes down to it, a successful college education revolves around one simple concept—a concept so simple, in fact, that it’s one of the first things you ever learned as a wee-little-midge-pidge (that’s Jeffersonian for “shitty little kid”). That’s right, dear readers, to kick ass in college you need only master the advanced and delicate art of sharing.
That transformative time in Dennis’ life has completely shaped his approach to higher education. The next year, he immediately sought friendship and lodging with every fraternity on campus, citing exam banks, endless pools of Adderall, and a willingness to intentionally lend porn as the top three pros on his “Going Greek: An In-Depth Pros and Cons List” pro/con list.
As students, we share homework, we share bodily fluids, we “share” booze, and we’re goddamn masters at it (whaddup Google Doc study guide girl from ANTH 103). Upperclassmen know the importance of sharing, but for many of our freshmen dormtroopers living with roommates for the first time, sharing is a hitherto unsharpened skill. They fret over whether or not they should borrow milk or lend notebooks. They shamefully steal condoms and sneak swigs of UV Blue. Desperate for friends, they eagerly lease out clothes, iClickers, tampons, and visiting highschool girlfriends in the hopes of baiting a new pal or two.
After he was banned from most houses on campus, he reprioritized and headed back to PAR/FAR, focusing all of his energy on perfecting his ability to resource-split in close-quartered communities of mostly international freshmen. Years of hard work later, he’s finally mastered that talent.
In order to help our newest UIUC community members out, The Black Sheep caught up with seasoned sharer and fifth year senior Matt Dennis of PAR/FAR for advice. “I share everything,” Dennis said. “It’s great, and it definitely makes living in the dorms a lot easier. All the freshmen love me, plus I haven’t had to buy shampoo since 2009.” Matt Dennis, it turns out, wasn’t always so enthusiastic about sharing. Once an anxious, private, and sweaty young man, Dennis was protective of his possessions to the point where someone just sitting on his bed would make his palms clammy and paralyze his sphincter. But, he recalls, all of that changed a few weeks into his freshman year. “My German roommate, Christoph, got a virus on his computer, so he started to use my Mac to watch porn when I was out of the room,” Dennis remembered. “Unfortunately, he found the rather massive reserve stash I save for Internet outages. The dorms have pretty shoddy Internet connection, so I ended up going the better part of six months accidentally sharing just about every type of porn with him. That really brought me out of my comfort zone and helped me mature a lot,” Dennis said.
“Now, I’m functionally a socialist,” he said. It should be noted that the only thing Dennis refuses to share is his underpants—not because he finds that unhygienic but because he’s never worn them in the first place. The Black Sheep is hesitant, therefore, to acknowledge Mr. Dennis’ alleged political stance. Stephen Lewandowski, one of Mr. Dennis’ previous roommates, recalls living with him fondly. “At first, it was awesome,” Lewandowski said. “He was always willing to buy us alcohol. He even let us eat his Easy Mac without asking, but then he started using my socks as splooge rags and once they were all used up and crusty, he used my copies of The Daily Illini that I read every day. I’m a pretty active poli sci major, so that was the absolute last straw.” This year, Dennis has predictably hit it off with his new floor. His current roommate, Chad Forrester of Barrington, is looking forward to the rest of the year. “The first weekend here, he peed in this kid’s drawer after he came from THE Murphy’s Pub at like, one in the morning,” Forrester said. Forrester, a freshman in DGS, said he has no intentions to watch porn with Dennis but eagerly agreed (off the record) that he “knows that tequila works in mysterious, magical ways sometimes.” Dennis is hard at work mentoring his new floormates in collegiatelevel sharing. “What’s yours is mine,” he said. “That’s the best advice I can give, really.”
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