Illinois - Issue 3 - 9/4/2014 by The Black Sheep

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Issue 3

Chancellor Wise Melts After Taking Ice Bucket Challenge The Gonz Wrote This On the first week of the semester, Chancellor Phyllis Wise was challenged by President Robert Easter to complete the ice bucket challenge for ALS awareness. President Easter posted the video of himself being doused in ice water on August 27, giving Wise 24 hours to post her own video. Wise was up for the challenge, pledging to donate one of the six figures from her salary. The majority of students gathered on the Quad to witness the event were shocked to see Wise in person for the first time, noting that she looked “even bitchier than in the photos.” Chancellor Wise was seated on a stage in the center of the Quad while President Easter prepared a bucket of ice water to dump on her. On the count of 10, chanted by the students in attendance, Easter poured the entire bucket on Wise’s head. To the utter shock of the audience, the chancellor began to give off a type of white steam. The high-pitched shrieking of the chancellor could be heard by the entire audience and throughout the Quad, shouts of “I’m melting! I’m melting! Meeelting!” filled the air. Students were in awe of the chancellor, who appeared to dissolve onstage. President Easter looked the most terrified of all as he dove off the stage in a fit of panic.“I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE JUST DONATED THE $100,” screamed a hysterical President Eas-

ter as he fled from the Quad with his foot caught in the ice bucket. “I JUST WANTED TO BE ‘IN IT’ WITH THE STUDENTS ON THEIR SOCIAL TWITTERBOOKS. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO THE REST OF THE COUNCIL AND NOMINATED BECKMAN. OH, WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD.” Most students stood in fear and awe, not knowing what to do while the chancellor pooled into a puddle of Phyllis juice. One brave student hopped up on the stage to intervene. Sarah Eckhart, the brave individual, told The Black Sheep: “My first thought was to collect all the Phyllis juice into my water bottle, thinking maybe a chemistry professor could put her back together or something.” The amount of Phyllis juice was too much for Sarah’s small water bottle and other students quickly joined it to mop up the mess. Part of what made cleaning up the liquefied chancellor such a difficult task was the sheer rate at which she transformed into her soupy self. Several students claimed that she melted faster than the snow that caused last year’s snow day, immediately followed with a collective, “Oh, wait…” “Mopping up liquid from a flat surface is pretty difficult without, you know, a mop,” said Sam Frankel, a university student. “Most of Phyllis just got left on the stage.”

A few students grabbed handfuls of the Phyllis juice and started the most nauseating food fight in the history of food fights. The University Police showed up to quell the crowd as employees from the UGL Espresso Royale arrived with an oversized carafe because, as stated by the Chief of

Police, “No one had a better idea for cleaning it up.” After the ghastly incident, the student body is now convinced that Chancellor Wise was a witch, or at least some sort of evil. Some arguments broke out over the

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MCKINLEY ANNOUNCES OUTBREAK OF EBOLA, DECREASE IN PREGNANCY

OPINION: OUR CURRENTLY UNDEFEATED FOOTBALL TEAM SHOULD QUIT

IT’S THE SMALL VICTORIES, PEOPLE.

LIKE, RIGHT NOW… 1-0 BABY, LET’S GO!

Wizard of Oz canon, but one way or another, everyone agreed there would most likely be more snow days in the future. In other news, University of Illinois now seeking applicants for the position of Chancellor.

PAGES 20-21 WE INTERVIEW: MIKE BIRBIGLIA OUR CHAT WITH THE COMEDIAN AND STAR OF SLEEPWALK WITH ME.

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BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX PHRASE OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE METAL FANG “’This is least deformed chicken I’ve ever seen!’ the KFC worker proclaimed before casually throwing it in the fryer.”

Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

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The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear Tex Mex,

FLUORESCENTED Any person or object so strongly reeking of artificial smell that it makes one’s eyes water. After Tommy hotboxed his bathroom with Axe body spray he was so fluorescented three women were later admitted to the ER with lung infections.

I just turned 19 this past week, so I think I’m legally ready to take on some of these infamous campus bars. My only problem is that I have no idea which ones to pick from. No one in my group of friends can ever seem to decide which one we’ll start frequenting once we all get one step closer to hitting the big 2-1. What are your personal bar recommendations? From, A “Semi-Legal” Freshman Dear Birthday Boy,

to the

EDITOR

grade school? Because the same rule applies to binge drinking and public embarrassment. Everyone’s going to have their own preference to how they’d like people to perceive them while disgustingly intoxicated. Are you a golden-voiced Jim Morrison impersonator after toting around straight whiskey for the whole pre-game? Try out White Horse on Wednesdays where your talents will be (sort of) appreciated. Are you willing to stick your mating stick into anything that has a hole and two legs? Red Lion saved a sweaty spot for you in a sea of the grindingly horny. Do you like pretending to hear conversations to the extent where nodding your head in an affirmative fashion is the most disingenuous thing you’ll do all night? Murphy’s has your relatively tame ass covered.

Well, congratulations, buckaroo. You’re finally old enough to move on from the kiddie table and play grown-up with the rest of the adults at this Champaign-based family party. There really is no sense in telling you which bars to head out to and which ones to avoid like the plague.

Thing is, you really should try out all of the bars before deciding on one you’ll inevitably be spending your parents’ allowance money every week for the next four years. Eventually, you’ll become so ingrained within your own bar routine that muscle memory will take care of transportation once your brain goes into “welp, you’re on your own” mode.

How many times did you hear the whole “everyone’s a special snowflake no matter how big or how small” spiel when you were in

Drink up, Tex Mex

PLAY ALONG! @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC

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McKinley Announces Outbreak of Ebola, Decrease in Pregnancy Heavy Metal Krist wrote this

The McKinley Health Center in Urbana issued an emergency public safety alert announcing a sudden, widespread outbreak of Ebola virus disease on the U of I campus. McKinley physicians first detected a strain of the deadly disease when a student who visited the center said he was experiencing symptoms that were later found to be linked to Ebola. “At the beginning of the school year, we had a patient visit us who said they were experiencing vomiting, diarrhea, and minor headaches,” said Dr. Nick Riviera, who was the first to diagnose a student with the disease. “My initial guess was that the student was pregnant, because those are all symptoms experienced during the early stages of pregnancy. However, my assistant pointed out a serious flaw in my diagnosis when she indicated that the student was a male. Although I didn’t rule it out completely, due to the high number of pregnant students who come through our facility, I determined that pregnancy likely wasn’t the case.”

Stumped, Dr. Riviera racked his brains over what could possibly be ailing his patient, delving deep into his medical knowledge base to find the answer. “I conducted a vigorous search of the WebMD website, looking for the diagnosis that I wanted to give out,” recalled Dr. Riviera. “When I read that the patient’s symptoms matched those that carriers of the deadly Ebola virus disease have, I had all the proof I needed to diagnose the student with Ebola.” Dr. Riviera immediately warned his colleagues at McKinley to look out for symptoms of Ebola in their patients. Once the other medical staff were made aware of the symptoms, which also include fever, sore throat, and muscle pains, the campus medical center started finding more cases of Ebola in students. “Because Ebola is highly contagious, we figured since one person was already afflicted with the disease that it had already started spreading all over campus,”

said Dr. Michaela Quinn, Medical Director at McKinley. “After Dr. Riviera diagnosed the first patient, our medical staff started noticing more and more patients who showed symptoms of Ebola, which obviously means they have the disease.” Nearly every McKinley visitor since the beginning of the school year has been diagnosed with Ebola, which has amounted to hundreds of U of I students. McKinley staff has worked with the university to organize a quarantine of Ebola patients in hopes of preventing the disease from further spreading on campus. Isolating a large number of Ebola-infected students seemed like a daunting task at first, but eventually the two parties were able to find a solution. “We ultimately decided to place the patients in the Block-I student section at Memorial Stadium,” said Dr. Quinn. “The stadium is always empty, save for the occasional scrimmage that happens on the field on some Saturdays, but otherwise we

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don’t have to worry about people coming into the stadium to sit in the stands. This allows us to concentrate on treating the patients in a quiet environment where the general public will not show up and interfere for any reason.” Despite the grim news of the Ebola outbreak, McKinley offered students a glimmer of hope about the overall health of the student body. “Even though a large

percentage of the student body currently has a bout of Ebola, we are happy to announce that pregnancy rates on campus have dropped to zero percent,” said Dr. Quinn. “The correlation of the increase in Ebola and decrease in pregnancy is certainly peculiar, but we’ll take any good news we can get right now. So let’s take a moment to congratulate ourselves on finally beating the scourge that is unplanned pregnancy!”

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In Ten Years: The People You Meet

During Welcome Week Winnie Bago wrote this

Despite your excitement over your new friend Megan’s same taste in eclectic music, it’s more likely that the football team will be Rose Bowl-bound than it is for you to stay in touch with the friends you make during Welcome Week as a freshman. Don’t expect to get wedding invitations from them after college, let alone an invitation to the bar the second week of classes. So, where will these “friends” end up? The cute guy across the hall: Ten years from now, the cute guy across the hall at Europa House will still be living across the hall; you just won’t be living there anymore. Also he isn’t cute anymore. You thought he gelled his hair up in a styled mess to be more attractive to the ladies, but he was really trying to hide

his premature baldness. The beer finally caught up with him, too, adding some weight to perfectly complement the baldness for that bold, mature 40-something look. He doesn’t think his life is all that bad, though. He claims he still lives there because of “great rent control.” What he doesn’t realize is that this is the Big Ten, not the Big Apple (as if he’d be well-adjusted enough to live there anyway). The girl who went to the library during Syllabus Week: You thought she was nuts going to the UGL the first week of classes. While you and the cute guy across the hall went to Canopy Club to check out Piano Man, she got ahead in her gen-ed classes. She’s also the girl who will bring an air mattress to the UGL during finals week and whose

only decorations in her room will be her Dean’s List certificates. But now you’re wishing you’d spent as much time at the UGL as she did. Just last week she was on the cover of The New York Times for performing open heart surgery on Bill Cosby in the middle of a fancy restaurant. The only time you made it in the newspaper was when a photo of you being ticketed for jaywalking on Unofficial ran on the front page of The Daily Illini. The dude you walked around Quad Day with: The only thing worse than the insane heat on Quad Day was trying to make awkward small talk with a kid you barely knew. Luckily there were plenty of people shoving flyers in your face and begging for your attention to break up the awkward

silences. That same dude is now working at the University of Illinois admissions office. Quad Day overtook his life. He put his e-mail address on too many lists, and he felt guilty enough to show up to every single meeting. He tried to leave campus once for a job at his uncle’s restaurant, but he had no idea what to do with is free time when he didn’t have e-mail reminders to be social every weekend. At the admissions office, he can let Quad Day control his schedule for the rest of his life… or at least whenever his conflicts with October Lovers and the Falling Illini allow it. The dude who just wanted to party: The last thing he ever said to you was, “I’ll hit you up this weekend, bro.” Spoiler alert: He

never did. You two met when he saw you fumbling with the keg at a party and graciously taught you how to get the beer from the “tubey thing,” as you so cutely called it. That night, you two found some girls drunk on jungle juice who agreed to twerk on your junk. You repaid the favor by taking the girls to Insomnia for a couple of cookies before they finally told you they had boyfriends. Funny thing is that your bro is now a delivery driver for both Insomnia and Chopstix. His reasoning is that it “keeps him out of the office,” and

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provides him with enough unused cookie dough and fortune cookies to feed his unfortunate family for a lifetime. Don’t feel bummed that you feel kind of lonely come the second and third weeks of school. Those college “friends” you made during Welcome Week are not the people you will take pictures with next to the Alma Mater come graduation. And if they are, you’ll at least be standing next to people that will make you look like a bonafide valedictorian by comparison. Save for the UGL chick, though. That girl’s going places.

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University Revokes Job After Prof. Puts Ketchup On His ‘Dog Jupiter Stevens wrote this

CHAMPAIGN – The University of Illinois’ Board of Trustees revoked a tenured position offer to Prof. Chris Craig after tweeting out a controversial picture Tuesday that clearly showed ketchup on his hot dog. “You may be too refined to say it, but I’m not,” Prof. Craig posted via Twitter. “I wish all the fucking ketchup in the world was on this ‘dog.” University Chancellor Phyllis M. Wise, put a halt to Prof. Craig’s pending job approval following the shocking tweet, calling it an “inappropriate and completely unnecessary treatment of a treasured Chicago tradition.” “While we fully support the freedom of expression and are absolutely

committed to academic freedom, this is just unacceptable,” Chancellor Wise said in an email to the campus community. “Disagreement and debate are at the very root of change. Disgusting, discouraging actions like Prof. Craig’s views are at the very root of evil itself.” Groups of students have held daily protests on the Quad since the Board of Trustee’s decision Tuesday night, while the school’s faculty and staff from out of state have spoken out against the university’s decision. Prof. Jenny Abraham, head of the Department of Food Science and Human Nutrition, voiced her outrage over the incident and led a vote where the department unanimously cast a vote of no-confidence in Chancellor Wise and

How to Use the New “Run, Hide or Fight” Tactic in University Classrooms The university began teaching a new self-defense tactic in its classrooms this semester. Sure, you may think you’ll know what to do when a threat walks through the door in the middle of STAT 100, but The Black Sheep is here to take you through an emergency step-by-step, especially when you’re sitting behind a fat tub of shit named Christopher. RUN: This one’s easy. Ever hear that old saying, “you don’t have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun your slowest friend?” In this case, your friend is fat shit Christopher and you’re going to leave him to die. People will begin to question your motives after the tragedy: “Wasn’t Chris your friend? Why’d you leave him behind?” This one’s easy too. “No, Chris wasn’t my friend. He was huge and everyone knows that fat kids never have any friends.”

the University Board’s leadership. “Our community may host a large demographic from the Chicagoland area, but not everyone at the university shares the same views concerning the consumption of hot dogs,” Prof. Abraham said in an open letter to the university. “Sure, your definition of a traditional ‘dog may only include things like mustard, relish and onions, but there’s a whole other world of people out there who believe they have the right to put

ketchup, chili or whatever else they want on their ‘dogs.” Despite outrage across mainstream media and political figureheads alike, the university has yet to budge on their decision to take back Prof. Craig’s job offer. “There’s no discussion to be had on the subject,” Chancellor Wise told reporters. “There’s a line you shouldn’t cross and Prof. Craig not only did that, but shoved his revolting views in our faces while he was at it.”

HIDE: When that crazy asshole kicks in the door of your classroom and is standing between you and the nearest exit, running isn’t going to be an option. In this situation, you’re going to have to hide and your best bet will almost always be to hide behind Christopher. You’ve seen him right? It’s going to be rare to find a bigger shield than that gigantic heart attack. While Christopher absorbs the pain and suffering of an imminent and completely unnecessary death, you’ll be safe and sound knowing that one of your fellow human beings was totally willing to expend their life for your protection. FIGHT: No, no, no. Don’t try to fight the guy, you idiot. When your options run dry and you have nowhere to run or nothing to hide behind, you’ll have to fight Christopher. How could sinking your fist into his 4-foot gut help you in a situation like this? To be completely honest with you, it really won’t. But watching the big guy’s eyes cross as you deliver a haymaker to his 8-gallon face will be the last satisfying moment in your life, so cherish every final second as he buckles over. Hell, you may even move him out of the way of a bullet, you never know. You’re the hero here, remember that. Not Chris...that fat piece of shit. Jupiter Stevens wrote this

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Oh, the People You’ll See

GOING GREEK Katie Got Bandz wrote this

The start of fraternity and sorority recruitment has been looming ominously over UIUC. Freshmen and some loser geed sophomores are making important decisions such as what fraternity to pledge, or if their second invite dress is “too dressy for this round.” Throughout this whole process, a vast array of students come together to call each other brother and sister (how they all get along is still one of the biggest mysteries of the modern world). During these next couple weeks, be sure to be on the lookout for all of these different types of people who are rushing: The girl who has been ready to rush since the womb: This girl was born wearing pearls and Lilly Pulitzer. She has always had insane crafting abilities, and in kindergarten, her macaroni necklaces made yours look like pieces of gluey, stale pieces of uncooked Italian shit. Ever since she knew what a sorority was, this girl started training for her destiny. Beware though, this girl is out for blood. Don’t be fooled by the perfectly painted nails and hair that is never out of place; she will destroy anyone in her path to get a bid. The girl whose mom is forcing her to rush: This chick has had sorority shoved down her throat all her life and wants nothing to do with it. She doesn’t give a shit that she is a third generation legacy, and she hates everything to do with rush. This girl is more likely to hang around Allen Hall, ripping from bongs of shit southsuburban weed, and spouting about the “pathetic conformity” Greek life endorses. She’ll likely sabotage her own rush experience in order to distance herself from Champaign as much as possible like the boner Urbana geed she’d prefer to be. The girl who “gets along with guys better”: This girl probably had no friends in high school and thinks that flinging herself mercilessly toward the acceptance of a group of over

“...this guy has been ready to pledge ever since he tried his baby Sperry’s on...” 100 women is the best way to start. During recruitment, she’ll kiss major ass because she just wants at least one girl to like her, but she’ll be the first to steal your date at semi-formal. Though it’s not because she’s a ruthless, coldhearted bitch – guys just get her, you know? Honestly!

Instead of embracing his true self, he will only confirm any suspicions he has when being locked in the basement naked with all of the other pledges because of “an expression of loyalty” or whatever.

The guy who has been a frat star since day one: Like the girl who has been ready to rush since the womb, this guy has been ready to pledge ever since he tried his baby Sperry’s on and his meathead alumni dad took him to the ol’ Alma Mater for the past 18 years of his life. He was on a sports team in high school, because he thrives best in groups of sweaty men. Remember, from hanging around a Y chromosomeheavy, pastel-colored barbeque to shouting sexual vulgarities at girls lounging on frat rooftops, it’s just the dudes bro-ing out is all!

The guy who is desperate to pick up chicks: This guy has never had luck in the ladies department, so in his eyes there are no better opportunities to meet them than at an exchange where girls are really only talking to him because he buys them drinks. He’s at his most confident when standing with a group of brothers, because he barely has to do any talking like the pathetic soul he is. See also: the guy who breaks up with his high school sweetheart after basing all of his post-high school anticipation on highly exaggerated college romp movies. The sense of disappointment will rush in faster than a textbook case of blue balls.

The guy who is still in the closet: This dude is clearly trying to cover up who he really is. He thinks that by joining a fraternity he will come off as straight and macho, but when you really think about it, there are very few things that seem more *ahem* “brotherly” than a bunch of men spending every waking moment together.

UIUC is a jungle during rush, so it’s heavily advised that unless you’re rushing, it’s best to stay inside during the next couple of weeks. Every person listed above sucks, and should be avoided at all costs. And for those of you in charge of dealing with these people for the next couple weeks… you brought this upon yourselves.

OPINION

THE TOP TEN Best Replacement Classes at UIUC While you may have thought 18 credits this semester was a good idea last spring, at this point in the school year, you’ve probably realized just how stupid you were thinking you’d be able to balance a full course load alongside a beer-heavy diet. Don’t worry, now’s the time to drop them classes, baby! Here are the top 10 best replacement classes for a better semester. 10.) ECON 103: Macroeconomic Principles: If you’re looking to better your knowledge of the U.S. economy, look no further. This course directly explains the various details of economics in a way that is utterly simple and straightforward. Most students pass this class with flying colors and describe it as “a delight.” I mean, it’s only a 100-level class, it can’t be that hard. 9.) PHIL 105: Ethics: What could be more black and white than right and wrong? This ethics course delves into the simplistic nature of defining how one should behave and think based on social norms. Exams consist of questions such as, “Is it acceptable to drink on a weekday?” Yes. “Should you attend Illini football games?” No. See? Easy.

Our Currently Undefeated Football Team Should Quit… Like, Now Tex Mex wrote this Ok, look… I know we published an article from last week highlighting that this year’s football season was going to be as successful as a renta-cop is on Unofficial. Truth is, even our ol’ drinking buddy Nostradamus was on our side in predicting the fate of this year’s Failing Illini. So, you can probably imagine our collective surprise when we did a Big Ten-tier spit-take and muttered in unison: “Oh shit… we actually won?” Now, even as Managing Editor for this fine publication, I’ll admit that I don’t know squat when it comes to the teams we face. Maybe Youngstown State lost because their BuFu nowhere location in Ohio granted them the lukewarm talent capacity of the one kid who was the coach’s son on your Little League team – you know, the one whose dad furiously yelled “DAMMIT, CODY, KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE GODDAMN BALL” in between flask sips. Or, Youngstown State could be a completely competent team who slipped up and gave us the win. Who REALLY knows? Either way, Illinois got lucky, and that’s why I’m imploring Beckman and the team to handle the rest of the season carefully. Quit. Now. You all know the saying “quit while you’re ahead,” right? Well, you’re ahead by exactly 1 right now, and that’s all you need, baby. Now, Beckmeister, I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably saying, “C’mon, Tex. You don’t expect us to just up and stop our winning streak at 1, do you?” And that’s when I swiftly reply with, “Well, yes, actually. That’s exactly what I expect you to do. And it’s ‘Tex Mex’ to you, buddy. We can play the whole ‘first name’ game once you start answering my texts inviting you out to White Ho karaoke nights.”

I get that you’re feeling cocky, but let me reprise my 4th-grade school play role as the Ghost of Christmas Past and show you the error of another greedy Scrooge’s ways. It’s now the year 2011, and that strapping gentlemen before us is Ron Zook, high on both his six game winning streak as well as some victory blow after that 41-20 win over Indiana. Now, let’s look at the same man six games later. What do you see, Becks? Any victory blow on those lips?

8.) EPSY 202: Exploring Cultural Diversity: Prepare yourself to be immersed in culture. In just one semester, this highly engaging lecture series will change you into one cultured son-of-a-bitch. The upbeat nature of this course will keep you wanting more as you discover the plights of minorities and learn to be a more empathetic, straight white male. 7.) SOC 100: Introduction to Sociology: Based on testimonies from previous students who’ve taken this course, it’s all about the science of being social. The main project each semester is successfully spending at least one night at every frat on campus with the final being a complete campus barcrawl. If your liver isn’t made of steel before this class, it definitely will be after. 6.) MACS 100: Intro to Popular TV and Movies: Finally, the university has established a course based around watching Netflix. The grading is based on binge watching at least five shows and includes a final, which consists of one weekend to watch the entirety of Breaking Bad. You’ll have some long nights, but dammit, it’ll be worth it. 5.) CS 105: Intro-Computing: Since this class is designed for non-technical majors, you can be guaranteed that they’ve dumbed it down quite a bit. Having a basic knowledge of Word and Powerpoint covers at least 75% of the class with the real head-scratcher beingthose pesky Excel spreadsheets. 4.) PSYC 100: Intro Psych: Most of us have been humans for at least 18 years at this point. Therefore, we all have 18 years of experience in the study of human behavior. With this plus some common sense, we’re all masters of psychology even before this 100-level class. Suddenly Psych 100 becomes Naptime 100.

No. Never again did any victory blow stain the lips of the former Illini football coach who thought he had it all.

3.) GEOL 100: Planet Earth: An A in this course requires you to establish the differences between various rocks. Since all rocks are clearly the same, most of the class involves categorizing rocks by color and shape. You’d have to be as dumb as a rock not to destroy this course.

What happened to ol’ Zookie after that season? He ended up in Florida-based Gateway Central Bank in order to hide his shame. Sure, he’s some sort of special teams coach for the Packers now… but fuck, man… a bank in Florida is scraping-thebottom-of-the-barrel low if you ask me.

2.) CHEM 232: Elementary Organic Chemistry I: With the word “elementary” in the title, this class is as basic as it gets. Elementary is the university’s way of saying any fifth grader could pass this course, so unless you believe you’re not smarter than a fifth grader (wink), you’d be crazy not to take advantage of this GPA booster.

Honestly, Becky Baby, what do you have to lose by cutting the season short while things are perfectly peachy now? You could bring home Illinois’ first undefeated football season since, like, the early 1900s or whatever. I’m sure that’ll place you in a better light than that whole 2-10 season you forced us to stomach back in 2012. Our football team has already been a running joke for a while now, so there’s no reason to salt a wound that’s already been thoroughly treated with pepper juice and Sriracha. So, just promise me you’ll sleep on it, Beckster. I may not be a fancy-pants CBS sports analyst like Zook was a couple of years ago, but I’m at least a true enough friend to tell you when you’re flying too close to the sun. Lemme tell ya: Your wings are getting awfully hot there, Icarus.

1.) PHYS 100: Thinking About Physics: Going off the course name, this class is all about thinking about physics, not actually doing physics. Based on that, anyone can ace this class just by thinking about how much they hate physics. If you’re looking for a ridiculously easy A, take the course with only one requirement: having a brain.

Sammie Sea wrote this

Illinites Actually Inspires U of I Student to Have Sober Fun Squirrel Man wrote this Illinites, a.k.a. “the thing freshmen go to until they realize they can drink beer instead,” is U of I’s finest source of clean fun. The program offers a wide variety of opportunities, including video games, bowling, and free food. Because of its emphasis on sobriety, Illinites was the butt of many “People actually go to Illinites?” jokes for a while. However, as of late, Illinites has seen a sudden upsurge in popularity, which has inspired one U of I student to party without drinking.

expectations. The student figured that Illinites, like everything else in life, was something that could best be appreciated while under the influence. He soon got kicked out for heckling the stand-up comedian after he removed his pants and tried to tie him up with the pantlegs on stage. Nevertheless, Robinson could tell there was something special about the program.

“I used to think Illinites was only for boring, socially-stunted geeds who play ultimate Frisbee,” said Tommy Robinson, a UIUC junior and former drinker. “Then I decided to give Illinites a try, and it turned out to be the shit. It showed me that I don’t need beer to have fun.”

“At first, his friends were skeptical, but a night of freebies and bowling at the Union changed their minds as well.”

Like many students, Robinson accidentally fell upon Illinites, looking for a bathroom on his way home from the bars. He came in stumbling drunk, with very low

He returned to the next Illinites – this time, as dry as a nun. Robinson didn’t want to admit it at the time, but he thought there could be some truth to this novel idea of

“not getting plastered,” so he gave it a try. And after a few solid hours of video game tournaments, Robinson realized he didn’t have to poison himself in order to enjoy a Friday night. “My first sober Illinites changed my life,” recalled the student. “Who knew that sober fun was actually a thing? I had no idea that ‘pwning noobs’ in Super Smash Bros could be so exhilarating. If I was drunk, I would’ve had to cause at least a hundred dollars in property damage to be that happy.” Robinson claims to have “seen the light” about non-self-destructive fun. He persuaded his buddies – who were also raging, youthful alcoholics – to come with him to the next month’s event. At first, his friends were skeptical, but a night of freebies and bowling at the Union changed their minds as well. They each have since sworn off drinking altogether, even for “bad movie night,” and they plan to attend Illinites every month.

Upon discovering how great sobriety can be, Robinson and his friends began to convert fellow U of I students into sober fun-loving people. Every week, they go on the Quad to promote Illinites, as well as to rant against alcohol. They hold up signs with messages that encourage clean fun and address the negative impact of drinking beer. They also explain to passerby, “No, we’re not a cult. Stop asking.” Much to everyone’s surprise, Robinson’s campaign for sobriety has become a

roaring success. Illinites had its highestever attendance last month, and U of I students are now seeing for themselves that alcohol isn’t necessary for a good time. Yet, not all are pleased with this turn of events. “That goddamn Illinites club of weirdos has taken away our business,” exclaimed one Kam’s bartender. “Students have discovered the joy that can be attained with sobriety, so they have no need for us anymore.”

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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The Bar Grid Friday’s Show: CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE (Black Light Party!) featuring SMOOKIE ILLSON, KYRAL X BANKO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS & More!

Friday After Class! FREE GRILLED CHEESE starts at 6pm (with purchase of any beverage) $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $3 Jim Beam & Bacardi

Saturday: Say Reggae, 9pm Star One, Abeng, Sticky Wells, DJ Assassin Star, The Grape Ape No Cover Before 11pm!

Saturday: GAMEDAY - Open at 8am - Illini vs W. Kentucky 11am Ride our Free Shuttle Bus To and from Memorial Starts at 9am

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs, $1 Cherry Bombs/OBombs, $2 Jager Bombs

Closed

$2 HOT STUFF $2 LONG ISLANDS (3 FLAVORS)

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

KARAOKE NIGHT! Starts at 10pm $1 Specialty SHOTS, $2 Fireball Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!

Thursday 9/4

$1 Wells, $2 Fireball, $2 UV Vodka $2 PBR, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs

Live Reggae! GROUNDATION with JEFFERSON 77 and SNEEZY

THROWBACK THURSDAYS $1 FIREBALL $2 UV Vodka

DJ Delayney 10pm, FREE!

WIN A TRIP TO WHATEVER USA TONIGHT! 8pm-10pm Interview & be Chosen! $1 WELLS - NO COVER $1 TACO’S 4pm-10pm Packers vs Vikings 7pm

Friday 9/5

$2 Wells $2.50 Domestic Bottles $3 Three Olives, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs

CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE (Black Light Party!) featuring SMOOKIE ILLSON, KYRAL X BANKO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS & More!

Friday After Class! FREE GRILLED CHEESE starts at 6pm (with purchase of any beverage) $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $3 Jim Beam & Bacardi

DJ Tim Williams 10pm, Free Before 11pm!

$3.99 Haus Fries $6 Bud Light 40’s $3 Jim Beam $3 Bacardi Drinks & Bombs

Saturday 9/6

$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles $3 Bacardi, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs

Oklahoma Red Dirt! TURNPIKE TROUBADOURS with CORB LUND and NEOGA BLACKSMITH

Gameday! Open all day! $3 Captain Morgan $3 Jager Bombs $5 Patron Shots

Say Reggae, 9pm Star One, Abeng, Sticky Wells, DJ Assassin Star, The Grape Ape No Cover Before 11pm!

GAMEDAY - Open at 8am Illini vs W. Kentucky 11am Ride our Free Shuttle Bus To and from Memorial Starts at 9am

Sunday 9/7

Closed

THE SECRET SISTERS with THE FIGHTS

Book your next party or event at The Clybourne Call 217-722-9000 or email CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho

BEARS vs BILLS Noon $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings $2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS! Every Liquor...Every Beer $2!

Monday 9/8

$2 Double Wells $2 Bud light/Budweiser Drafts $5 Bud light/Budweiser Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY featuring FINER FEELINGS and PENNY HORSES $2 Slices of Manolos and $1 Drinks

$1 Dirty Smurf Shots $2 Top Shelf

DJ Mingram, Free, 10pm $3 Jameson and Absolut

Monday Night Football WIN A 32” LED TV! 6pm Lions vs Giants 9:30pm Chargers vs Cardinals $1 Bud Light Drafts

Tuesday 9/9

$2 Wells, $2 Drafts $2 Shot of the Week $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs

CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE featuring some of C-U’s funniest! $2 Real Long Islands! NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)

WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 WELLS, $2 BEAM FIRE Shots, $2 Bud Light Bottles

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 8:45pm

$3 Burger & a Bud Light from 8-10pm $2 WELLS & HOT STUFF HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS HALF PRICE BURGERS 4p-10pm

Wednesday 9/10

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs, $1 Cherry Bombs/OBombs, $2 Jager Bombs

A LIVE ONE Tribute to PHISH!!

$2 HOT STUFF $2 LONG ISLANDS (3 FLAVORS)

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

KARAOKE NIGHT! Starts at 10pm $1 Specialty SHOTS, $2 Fireball Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!

SPECIAL NIGHT

EVERYDAY SPECIALS $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs $2 Jager Bombs

Wednesday 9/3

NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)

The Bar Grid

DOWNTOWN

SPECIAL NIGHT

NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s

THURSDAY: Pyramid Presents Vibes, 10pm $3 Red Stripe, $4 Rum Punch, 2 for $150 Luc Belaire Rose

Everyday: $2 PBR Drafts $4 Deer & a Beer (PBR Draft + Shot of Jager)

Wednesday 9/3

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Bikini Bartenders!

Thursday 9/4

$3 ANY Draft $4 White Russians

Pyramid Presents: Vibes, 10pm $3 Red Stripe, $4 Rum Punch, 2 for $150 Luc Belaire Rose

Friday 9/5

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs

Saturday 9/6

KAM'S

Friday and Saturday: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Monday Nite Football Kickoff - Open 6pm Tweet to Win Prizes! $2 U Call It & Craft Beers! Free Pizza at Half Time!

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

#UpForWhatever Wednesdays! $2 16oz Bud Light, $3 3 Olives & Cuervo, $5 Lime-a-Rita Pitchers $2 Platinum, $2 Rumchata DJ Delicato & The Bud Girls!

Red, White and BOOM $2 Redd’s Apple Ale $2 Blue Moon $2 Jager Bombs

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Senior Night! No Cover 21+ $10 U-Pick 5 BL Buckets $3 UV Drinks, $6 Pitchers $5 KamIslands (Limit 2) $2 Fireball, $3 Appleseed Cider

DJ Delayney at 10pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID

$6 Shandy Pitchers $3 Jim Beam Drinks $4 Pinnacle Drinks

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Klub Kam’s with DJ Delicato at 10pm Win a Coors Lt. Fridge! $4 Blue Guys, $2 16oz Coors Lt. Cans $2 Drafts, $2 Blue Moon $3.50 Smirnoff & Captain Drinks!

Watch the Illini at Guido’s!

De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola

$6 Lunch Box Pitchers $3 American Harvest $3 Captain Morgan Drinks

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

ILLINI FOOTBALL, Open at 7AM! ILL vs W. Kentucky at 11am, Pre-Game Party with the Coors Lt. Girls 8-11am | $3 22oz Coors Lt. Drafts, $3 Cans, Bloody Mary Bar, $4 Pinnacle Blue Guys, $4 Jager Marys, $4 Bombs, $4 Jim Beam & Red Stag, Free Shuttle to Game, DJ Spydey 10PM

Sunday 9/7

NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

SundayFunday w/ BEARS & BUCKETS! $11 Build-Your-Own Buckets $6 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Jager Bombs

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

SUNDAY FUNDAY! Bears Football Tailgate at Noon Bears Pint Glasses! $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts

Monday 9/8

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

MNJ $2 Bud Light Platinum $2 Smirnoff RBVs

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Nite Football Kickoff - Open 6pm Tweet to Win Prizes! $2 U Call It & Craft Beers! Free Pizza at Half Time!

Tuesday 9/9

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

Wednesday 9/10

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

$2 All Bud Family, $2 Fireball Get Ready for the Bikini Contest on 9/24!

The New/Old 8th Grade Dance! Book a Party $3 20z Gatorades, $1 Giant Jello or Special Event! Shots, $2 Blue Moons | Keep the Cup Contact us at 217-356-2337 or Night! $4 Logo Glass w/ Any Draft highdive.gm@gmail.com Half Off Drafts w/ Glass

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Bikini Bartenders!

$2 All Bud Family, $2 Fireball Get Ready for the Bikini Contest on 9/24!

1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm) 1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

Country Nite “Drink it in Your Mason Jar” Win Effingham Music Fest Tickets!

$1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles $1.50 Drafts, $2 Moonshine Drinks $2Beam Fire, $2 Beam Fire & Ginger Shots

#UpForWhatever Wednesdays! $2 16oz Bud Light, $3 3 Olives & Cuervo, $5 Lime-a-Rita Pitchers $2 Platinum, $2 Rumchata DJ Delicato & The Bud Girls!

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page!

WEDNESDAY! Logo Glass Day!

SATURDAY: GAMEDAY Open at 10am $2 Long Islands $1 Natty Drafts

Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

SATURDAY! Bread Machine, Live 10-Close No Cover! $3 Captain, Crown, and 3 Olives Drinks $3 20oz Coors/Miller Drafts

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers

Friday 4 o’Clock Club 1/2 Price Appetizer 4 ‘til 5

FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys

No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale

Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers

Logo Glass Day!

$4 CRUZAN RUM BUCKETS $2 BEAM KENTUCKY FIRE SHOTS $3 JIM BEAM

$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot

$8 Pitchers of Killians, Leinenkugels and Shocktop

$2 UV VODKA $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS $3 ALUMINUM BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $5 MONSTER SHACKERS

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$3 Jack, Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

$5 Wild Turkey or Skyy Doubles

GET HAPPY! Open at 5pm Cracked Truck at 6pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

Bread Machine, Live 10-Close No Cover! $3 Captain, Crown, and 3 Olives Drinks $3 20oz Coors/Miller Drafts

Thirsty Thursday! No Cover! $2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Beers BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club

Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

$3 Drafts of Goose Island Family

GAMEDAY Open at 10am $2 Long Islands $1 Natty Drafts

Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS

$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers

Get Ready for Trivia Night! $4 Well Doubles

Open at 9pm $2 UV Flavors

$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys Brunch from 11 am–3 pm REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp

Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale

Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30

Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR

BINGO NIGHT! $3 Drafts of Blue Moon, Angry Orchard and Sam Adams Family

MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 HOT STUFF $3 MONSTER VODKA’S

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM

No Cover! ALL Drafts on sale

Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers

$2 Tall Boys of Old Style, PBR, Schlitz and Miller Lite

SENIOR NIGHT $2 LONG ISLANDS, $2 WELLS $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES Bags Tourney at 9pm

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY

Logo Glass Day!

$4 CRUZAN RUM BUCKETS $2 BEAM KENTUCKY FIRE SHOTS $3 JIM BEAM

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers

No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale

Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers

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PARTY PICS

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ON THE STREETS What’s the most obscene food item you’ve ever conjured up? Wale, Senior

“In third grade I dropped a lollipop in the dirt and ate it. It made me sad.”

Amanda, Sophomore

“Eel. It was just slimy and gross.”

Joe, Senior

“Grass. I’m pretty certain it’s meant to be consumed another way.”

BARTENDER of the WEEK LAUREN of BROTHERS Relationship Status: Great question...

Is there anything a good ole’ fashioned karate chop doesn’t solve?: When my bong needs to get cleaned.

Major: MCB

In how many parsecs could you do the Kessel Run?: I’m a better driver than Han, so I’m thinking maybe 10.

Favorite Drink: Angry Balls Favorite Shot: 3 Wise Men Disgusting Drink: Anything with Captain Morgan What ingredients would go into a shot called “Moist Mung”?: Bailey’s and my last tampon. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen at a party?: 7 wrestlers branded “USA” on their asses with a coat hanger and a blow torch. Who would win in a fight, you or a bobcat?: I like to stay strapped, so I think that I’d be pretty evenly matched. What’s your scared-to-share secret talent?: It’s staying a secret.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: They forgot to pay their Internet bill.

KARIO MART: SELECT YOUR DRINKER

What You’ll Need: A copy of Mario Kart, 4 controllers, beer or liquor of choice depending on how fast you want to end this train wreck. OPTIONAL: A designated refiller to prevent “I’m gonna sit this one out” syndrome. Number of Players: 2+, or more if you’re doing it LAN party-style, in which case you probably don’t go to bars anyway. Level of Intoxication: “Mamma mia! I haven’t been this fucked up since taking my first Super Mushroom in World 1-1!” How to Play: The same Mario Kart drinking game rules you know and love apply. Players must finish their drinks before finishing the race, and they may only drink when at a complete stop. The last player to finish must chug a whole second drink before the next race, or the 1st place player may designate the drink to whomever. The following additional rules must be done as well, and failure to comply results in the refilling of a drink mid-race.

Whaddaya think about the fact that you can’t spell “justice” without “U” and “I”?: Are you really that socially inept at asking someone out? What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?: I tried a bite of lip balm because I thought since it smells good, it must taste good. 0/10 would not recommend.

THE DRINKING GAME We all know the basics of the Mario Kart drinking game, but any seasoned Mario Kart player knows that there’s an element of strategy outside of being the lucky sonofabitch who scores a blue shell. In this rendition, the character you select will directly impact your impairment (so listen up, try-hard Toad drivers).

If prostitution were legal, how much would you be worth?: If you have to ask, you can’t afford me. But it’s always free to jerk off to my Facebook pics.

Character Legend: Mario: Player must shout “Mamma mia!” after being hit by an item or spinning out. Luigi: Player must “bunny hop,” or hop obsessively without stopping during the race (if you can correctly guess why this is, we’ll send you a koozie). Peach: Player must sit on the lap of whoever is playing as any of the following: Mario, Luigi, D.K., or Bowser. Double or tripling up on laps is encouraged. Toad: Player must speak in Toad’s high-pitched, cringe-inducing voice throughout the entire game (that’s what you get for taking a cart racing game so seriously, asshole). Yoshi: Player must stick out their tongue during every drink. This one might get messy. D.K.: Player must make the most obnoxious gorilla sounds possible/beat on chest if anyone obtains banana peels. Wario: Player must make sure that at least one hand is constantly pulling their own fake/real moustache throughout the race. Bowser: Player must do a shot of Fireball at the start and end of every race. If no Fireball is available, just shout alongside Bowser’s gargling roar whenever he yells. The Game Ends When: Any of the following situations occur: The loser that everyone picked on is blacked out, the bars begin calling your names, someone questions the ethical repercussions of Nintendo’s use of Italian stereotypes in their mascots.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER FRANKENSTEIN LEFTOVERS Even if you’re a complete and total recluse, it’s a given that you’ve soaked up a doctor’s recommended amount of greasiness from campus’ non-franchised, local drunk food offerings. Hell, these All-American, deep fried creations are so good that you’ve probably amassed a bomb shelter-tier selection of them in the form of leftovers from Thirsty Thursday’s past. But spending $7-10 a pop on late night cravings is a lot of money to spend, so if you want the most bang for your inebriated buck, The Black Sheep is offering a creative way to ingest the last of what’s kicking up orders in your fridge… so you’ll have room for more. What You’ll Need: (Ingredients will vary, but you’ll likely have) Half of a large cheese pizza, fries, 1 ½ chicken strips, a gyro with only a few bites in it, cheese sauce, not-so-loaded-anymore nachos, a multi-pattied cheeseburger (Philly cheesesteak-styled), brown chicken (once orange chicken), marinara-soaked stale mozzarella sticks, an oven or microwave (if you’re daring), and some incredibly forgiving roommates. Fatty Factor: …You’re joking, right? Let’s Get Baked: - If using an oven, begin preheating to 350 degrees, or whatever the nearest empty frozen pizza box recommends. - Unload what’s left of the pizza onto the preparation area. This will serve as the base of your Frankenstein food monster. - Take the meatier, ground beef parts of your leftovers

and cut them into smaller, sausage-like bits to cover the entire area of the pizza. - Crack open the mozzarella sticks in order to coat the cheese over any parts of the meat that are uncovered. This will act as a great way to embed the meat within the pizza’s cheese. - If you really want to abuse the definition of “meat lovers,” add the chicken to the pizza instead of saving it for dipping sauces. - Scatter the smaller, non-meat foods for extra flavoring. Don’t be afraid to get creative by making faces with the fries and nachos. - Drizzle the cheese sauce/whatever dipping sauces you have to your liking on the pizza. Make sure you hit those hard-to-reach places that haven’t been hit by the cultural wave of grease yet. - Place the Frankenpizza in the oven and base its readiness on the browning (or blackening) of the crust. If using a microwave, be extremely diligent in making sure nothing explodes in hot, cheesy goodness. - Once cooked to your liking, let it sit for a few minutes to cool off before gorging. - For best eating results, get drunk… fast. For the wasteful moneybags who’ll find it far simpler to toss their precious leftovers in favor of just getting something more fresh, for shame. There are starving vegans in liberal arts colleges out there who would kill to break their code and dive into the mounds of grease that you’re wasting.

BOOZE REVIEW Evan Williams Honey Reserve Grade: B+

We admit, we shop for the deals... but this one was great. For those of you who like to mix their whiskey and barely taste a hint of strength in there, this Booze Review may be for you. For those of you who easily get cavities, turn away now. Smells Like: Probably along the lines of what the inside of the Cheerios bee’s ass would smell like... REALLY f&#%ing good. Tastes Like: If you poured syrup all over a graham cracker and then you dipped it in nectar and then the syrup got all over your shirt and you had to take it off and the cracker crumbled in your mou--oh god. Typical Drinkers: - People with wings who tend to have a black and yellow striped skin tone. - Children under the age of five before school starts. - Middle-aged men with previous heart problems but still seeking a tasty breakfast. User Comments: “I can really taste the glucose!” “Did you find this at the bottom of a cereal box?” “There’s no alcohol in this, right?” “Wow, my strep throat is gone!” Best Described By Holding Down Your Laptop Keys On Two Letters of the Alphabet: BZZZZZZZZZZZ. What Your Grandmother Would Say If She Saw You Drinking It: “Now, don’t put too much sugar on the top of that, it’s still supposed to be healthy you know! Banana slices?” You’ll Like This If You Like: Breakfast for (after) dinner (drinks), childhood nostalgia, 90s cereal mascots, Kentucky. Is It a Good Deal?: WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS GO TO THE STORE. Is This the Bee Movie of Booze?: Well, Jerry Seinfeld isn’t in it, but yes. Yes it is. We Mixed It With: RC Cola (YES, SERIOUSLY IT WAS $0.89 PER LITER, OK?)

Jupiter Stevens wrote this

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Arc Beefcake Completely Botches Facebook Profile Picture Black Sheep Staff wrote this Vinnie “The Vibe” Giannopoulos totally screwed the pooch this time. Like some sort of technology-challenged buffoon, “The Vibe” has just recently changed his profile picture on several social media websites to what his gym-buddies, who refer to themselves as “The Legendz,” are calling “a full-blown disabrointment.” The image was uploaded to Giannopoulos’ Facebook, Twitter, “Where Buff People Meet,” and Instagram and was met with what “The Vibe” described as “totes less likes and bumps than I expected.” Giannopoulos’s profile pictures are frequently updated, and typically consist of an image of the young man with a group of friends making duck faces on the beach, at tanning salons, various bars, strongman competitions, Jamba Juice, in a car, and in mirrors at the gym or nightclub bathrooms. It should be noted that in every single picture, the men’s arms are always exposed and flexing, they are typically wearing sunglasses, and when women are included they look like beautiful carrots with bleached blonde hair.

When asked what he thought of the profile picture, Giannopoulos said, “When I took it, I honestly thought it would be something that all my followers, or as I call them, ‘The Vibe-Tribe,’ woulda’ thought was pretty cheddar.” T h e g r o u p’s Tw i t t e r a c c o u n t , “TheLegendz4Lyfe,” issued a public statement regarding the event; “Never fear bros, bitches, and legend-lovers, we r doing errthang we can to change The Vibe’z prof pic to one dat’s got dem muscles dat get bitches soaking ASAP. #TheLegendz #VibeTribe #WereHot #Titties.” When asked to explain his disappointment, Giannopoulos’ close friend Bruce Peterson, who calls himself “Juice Springsteen,” responded, “For a guy that can bench press as much as he does while wearing a tank and cargo pants, it’s really surprising that this pic turned out like it did.”

S Bobby “The Blowout” McFadden has been working the hardest of all members of The Ledendz to solve the group’s dilemma. The Blowout has spent the past 10 hours “coaching my fellow bro in the science of snapping a proper ‘brofile’ pic.” He went on

to explain, “It’s not just a simple flex and photograph. This is a piece of art, and so is my man The Vibe’s bod. Bitches need to see that The Legendz don’t mess around when it comes to brofile pics.”

The Vibe has since changed his profile picture across all social media sites to one that is much more fitting of the code of his friends; an image of Giannopolous at a tanning salon wearing a bright green

banana-hammock and pink lip gloss presenting his middle finger to the camera with the hashtags “#ImBack, #ManTan, #VibeTribe, and of course, #Titties.”

Long-time member of The Legendz and self-proclaimed leader of The Vibe-Tribe, Chad “Cheddar” Bradley, explained his reasoning for being so upset, “It just sucks to see a guy totally flop on what could have been something beautiful. I mean, he has some of the nicest abs I have ever had the pleasure of rubbing tanning oil on,” said “Cheddar” as he sighed and looked off into the distance with watery eyes. “It’s just such an unchill pic, bro.” When asked how crisis-control had been handling the issue, The Legendz stated that they were working as hard as they could to make sure that the “totally ratchet” image was removed from the internet entirely. “Ultimately, we just need to make sure that The Vibe understands what’s at stake every time he decides to post a pic of his abs, biceps, inner-thighs, shoulders, or that sweet, sweet ass to the Internet.”

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The International Beer Tasting and Food Truck Showcase is being held in downtown Urbana on Saturday, September 13 from 3:00p.m. to 8:00p.m. We talked with the festival’s coordinator, Michael Armintrout, about the festival’s history, what he has in store for us this year, volunteer opportunities, and why YOU should come out and enjoy the fest. The Black Sheep: What was the inspiration behind hosting a festival that showcases food trucks? Michael Armintrout: This will be the 13th year that we’ve actually done the beer tasting, but only the second year of the event that we’ve hosted the food truck showcase as a part of it. Originally this event started out as a beer tasting/chili cook-off, but we always end up having a shortage of chili, and in the last year of the chili cook-off, which would have been 2012, I reached out to the guys from the Cracked food truck here in town at the last minute and just said, “Hey, I really need some food at the event,” and then they brought their truck down and served some food. For anybody who’s obviously eaten at the Cracked food truck before, it

is delicious. And obviously with the response that we got that year from having that truck there and some other folks we knew who had food trucks in the area and in general, how popular food trucks had become on a regional and national level, it just made sense to transition the chili cook-off portion out of the event and bring food trucks in. This year, we’re looking to have ten or twelve trucks down here, about half which will be local and about half of which will be from out of town. TBS: The festival is in its 12th year and is bigger and more popular now than it’s ever been. To what do you attribute the fest’s continued growth and success? MA: I definitely think the primary draw for the event since we started it 13 years ago has always been the beer, and people can come out and sample over 150 different kinds of beer, some of which cost as little as 75 cents for a full ounce sample. But still, with the large, nationwide craze that’s going on with food trucks, and since last year’s event, there’s been three or four new food trucks that have popped up just in Champaign, so it’s not just a trend that’s happening locally, but all over

the place. This year we’ve got trucks from Bloomington, Indianapolis. So, certainly a nice, fall day, pre-gaming for some college football or postgaming for some college football, who doesn’t love some beer and some delicious eats? TBS: What food vendors will be participating this year? MA: The local trucks we got are some returning guys from last year, like Cracked; Mas Amigos, which serves Mexican fare; Pop Stop, which does popcorn and cotton candy and other “sweet treat” kind of stuff; Popped Bliss that does Snow Cones and original home-made flavored popsicles; Green Machine, which is primarily a vegetarian truck that just popped up here in town. From out of town, we have three trucks coming over from Bloomington: Two Blokes and a Bus, which is an upscale food truck, but the truck itself is a double-decker bus from London, which is really cool and the reason we went after it is because we wanted the visual of that doubledecker bus from the street. But their food is not what you would think of as traditional food truck fare—their cooks are wearing white chef jackets and stuff like that in the truck. Then

we’ve got Healthy in a Hurry, which is healthy fast food options from a food truck. We also have Nacho Mama’s coming over, which is a gourmet grilled cheese truck. We’ve got a truck from Indianapolis called Serendipity, whose signature item is their crab cakes. There also might be a couple more announced later if we can officially book them. We feel like we’re providing people with a really variety and option of food. We feel like the food-to-beer ratio is pretty good.

“People can come out and sample over 150 different kinds of beer, some of which cost as little as 75 cents for a full ounce sample.” TBS: You’ve got dozens of breweries participating in the event this year. Are there any in particular that you recommend? MA: I haven’t seen the final beer distributor list yet for the event because we’re still working on putting those final touches on, but I know we’ve always had Two Brothers,

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Left Hand, and a lot of the U.S.-based microbreweries that you would expect. We’ve also been fortunate enough to have some guys from overseas come over. Our distributors like it because it gives them a chance to showcase some beers that they otherwise wouldn’t be able to throughout the year, or maybe there’s only one or two places in town that you can find a certain beer at. TBS: Beer and food—this sounds like the kind of event that right up U of I students’ wheelhouse. MA: It’s beer and food! Last year we held the festival in the first weekend of October, so we were a little deeper into the semester. But this year at this point, let’s be honest, nobody’s studying yet! By the time this event happens (September 13) we’re still only three weeks into the school year. Come out, have some beers, eat enough food to make it your dinner, and that basically starts your Saturday night! We’ve seen a lot of students come out year after year, but hopefully we can get more students out. And I think some students come to town and never leave campus, they’re caught up in their own campus world. But that’s not always the case, and we want students to come out and check out downtown Urbana and see the handful of restaurants and bars downtown Urbana has to offer too. But primarily we just want you to come out and drink some beer and eat some food from the food trucks at the event.

TBS: What volunteer opportunities are available? MA: We’re always looking for volunteers to help pour beer, sell tickets, etc. Anybody who’s interested can reach out to our volunteer coordinator, whose email is Vannessa@JayTV.com. We have volunteer shifts from early in the morning through the event and into the evening, because we need help with everything from helping close off the streets in the morning and setting up tables to serve the beer, helping set up the event, helping pour beer, taking tickets at the gate, and helping us tear down at the end of the night. It’s those couple hundred volunteers that, through service organizations and RSOs and fraternities and sororities that are really the lifeblood of the event and help us keep the event going. It’s really important for us to keep running this event at a very reasonable ticket price, and doing a $6 advance ticket and $8 at the gate, you can’t get much more reasonable than that. TBS: Any last bit of information we should know before heading out to the fest? MA: Come out, drink some beer, eat some food, hang out, should be a great weekend! I’m really excited about all the food trucks we got coming and, as is with every year, we’ll have a ton of great beer to sample. It’s something everybody should come and check out!

the black sheep interviews:

mike Birbiglia Logan wrote this

Mike Birbiglia needs no introduction, the stand-up comedian and writer-director-star-of Sleepwalk With Me, is currently touring nationally.

the interview: mike birbiglia

TBS: Is it as good as the stained glass one? Mike: Haha! I think it’s on the same level as the stained glass one; it’s in the ballpark for sure. Are you on Twitter right now? TBS: Logging in as we speak. Mike: Hahaha! If you’ve heard the story I did on “This American Life” about the creepy guy on the bus, it’s a little bit of an homage to that. TBS: Oh the glory! Mike: Isn’t that great? TBS: Do you make these? Do you have your hand in it? Mike: Well my brother Joe hires a bunch of designers; he is always on the lookout for like Rock ‘n’ roll poster designers, and specifically, ones that are local to where we are doing each show. This one is done by a guy named Barry Blankenship. But we have all sorts of different designers. TBS: Oh, damn, I think the bus one may take the cake over the stained glass. Mike: I know! It’s up there, for sure. The stained glass is certainly weird, and actually one of my friends pointed out on the stained glass poster that it’s arguable that I am pooping. I think that is a little liberal of an interpretation but… TBS: Hahaha! Well I wasn’t going to say anything, but people do talk… Mike: Haha, people ARE talking yeah… TBS: So you are going on tour starting pretty early in September, right? Mike: Yes, I am going on tour, God, super soon. I’m playing Brooklyn next Friday night...man it’s that soon? Then I’m going to ten more cities: York, Dayton, Cleveland, Ann Arbor, Kalamazoo, Champaign, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Chicago, and Toronto. And in the middle of all that I’m shooting a role on Orange is the New Black. So I am just busy as hell right now. TBS: Yes! You are going to be in Michigan for two dates, so I should be seeing you in Kalamazoo. Mike: Oh yes! Kalamazoo is going to be an awesome show. Chris Gethard is opening the show, who is hilarious, brilliant, brilliant comedian who does a lot of stuff for UCB Theatre in New York, and is on Broad City where he plays Derek, and he just shot his own Comedy Central half-hour special too and it is really good. TBS: When was the last time you were on tour? Mike: The last tour was “My Girlfriend’s

Boyfriend,” and that was like a 70-city tour over four countries, and this one is going to be a 100-city tour, so this is the biggest tour I’ve ever done.

TBS: That is literally the Holy Grail of indie film for me… Mike: Well thank you! That means so much to me!

TBS: DAMN. Mike: Yeah, I know! The crazy thing is I talked to my agent the other day and when all is said and done, we’re gonna have ended up playing 120 cities. So I am becoming the Katy Perry of comedy, which is an unexpected turn in my career.

TBS: I bring this up because I’m wondering if Orange is kind of you shifting gears into the more blockbuster roles that we all know you would kick ass at. Mike: Hahaha! That is the most I’ve laughed at a question in an interview in a long time. I think it was that “we all” part of it because I’m not sure that even exists, haha! I think I’m still in that indie-niche zone where not everyone knows who I am, which I am totally fine with. I like sort of being in that niche, but I don’t know. Maybe? I’m in Judd Apatow’s new movie that we filmed this summer. Judd Apatow and Amy Schumer made a movie together and I play Amy’s brother-in-law, which is a super funny thing. It was just a blast to make. There’s Bill Hader, Amy Schumer, and actually John Cena is in it.

TBS: What can you tell us about Orange is the New Black? Anything at all? Mike: I can’t! I’m not allowed to say anything. All I can tell you is that I’m in it, but only because they’ve said that. Up until the other day I couldn’t even say that I was in it. Basically, I was living a lie –I would go to work and people would be like, “Where you going?” and I’d be like “Well, I can’t talk about it,” which made me feel like a criminal. So I can’t really say what it is but it has been super fun. Obviously it’s one of the best shows out there, and one of my favorite shows, so this is kind of a dream-come-true for me. TBS: You have your self-produced Sleepwalk With Me, by which I mean it’s your brainchild. Mike: I created it, yes: I willed it into being.

TBS: Is that the wrestler dude? Mike: Exactly! Vanessa Bayer from SNL is in it too, who is super funny. LeBron James in it, which is just INSANE. Obviously this is very timely. I know that they actually booked him to be in it before all of the insanity went down when he became sort of the hero of America.

TBS: Aside from this big-ass tour, do you have anything in line for directing again? Mike: I am writing with plans to direct two feature films right now. TBS: HALLELUJAH! Mike: Haha, this is the most exuberant interview that I’ve had where someone is as excited as I am for what I’m creating, so thank you for that. TBS: Now are we looking at these coming out in the next year…or ten years? Mike: I would say a year, but don’t quote me on that. TBS: Oh, I’m going to quote you. Mike: Haha, well don’t quote me while quoting me is what I should have said. I am hoping to have a movie out next fall. TBS: Right on. Mike: Also, If you here any background noise I am multitasking right now and doing my dishes. I’ve reached a point where there are so many dishes piled up above the non-existent line that is the top of the sink, if that makes any sense. TBS: You realize I’m in college right? That makes perfect sense. Mike: Yes, you’re not at that age, but at a certain point you have to have a little pride in your life and just lower the dish-mountain below the line. TBS: Where did you go to college? Mike: Yeah, I went to Georgetown. TBS: Do you have any unknown horror or glory stories you’re willing to share? Mike: Well, I was thinking the other day actually about a photo that someone took of me being drunk at night, being pushed in a shopping-cart down a street in Washington DC. What troubled me most about it is that I don’t know who took the photo, I don’t know whose pushing the shopping cart, I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing, and all I can help thinking is what else happened that night?! TBS: Some thing’s are just better left unknown. Mike: Yes, sadly so. TBS: Since you’ve had your hand in writing, comedy, directing, producing, acting; or basically just every aspect of life…what would you say is harder: directing or comedy? Mike: Directing, and even more so directing comedy. It’s so hard because it has so much to do with timing. You could get away with doing certain things in drama where the timing isn’t quite right, where people may say it was an artistic choice or something. But in comedy, if it isn’t working then you just won’t get a laugh. Then the people will say that it’s just not funny. There’s just not a lot of leeway in film comedy, so I think that directing film

comedy is the hardest thing you can do. That’s part of the reason people revere Judd Apatow for that. TBS: When does the “Thank God for Jokes” tour end? Mike: I’m not sure. I’m doing 100 cities this year, then I’m gonna shoot a film that hopefully will come out in the fall, then I’ll probably do a few more cities with this show, and then film that as a special which will probably come out in 2015 or 2016. It’s so weird these numbers we’re talking about as far as years. What year were you born in? TBS: ‘92 Mike: See that’s reasonable. I was born in ’78 so when we start talking about 2014, 2015, 2016; it’s just crazy. When I was a kid we were talking about what was going to happen in the year 2000 and how different the world is going to be. Now we’re living in ’14, and it’s unthinkable. TBS: When you were… Mike: On a side-note to keep you updated on the dishes thing –I’ve gotten the mountain down, and now it’s got that crazy sludge water effect and now I’m trying to get the sludge-pond, if you will, so that the sludge gets down into the receptor so I can actually pull the sludge out and throw it into the garbage. TBS: Godspeed man. Mike: Yes; that is the status-report on my kitchen. Please go on with the question. TBS: When you made Sleepwalk With Me, did you always know it would be you starring in it? Or were you thinking of casting like, Zach Braff or something? Mike: Wow, well not him specifically, but it did crossed my mind, like, “Oh, I guess it will be Jimmy Fallon being me.” You know, someone who is better looking and more talented, but it was a little bit like a Sylvester Stallone and Rocky situation where I wrote this script, I’m producing the movie, I think I’ll just play this part, because no one would ever cast me in this part so I will hold out. By the way, that’s probably where the Sylvester Stallone comparison probably ends. TBS: If you couldn’t be an entertainer of some kind, what would you be? Mike: I think I always wanted to be a comedian, a rapper, or the owner of a pizza restaurant where third graders could hangout –those were my goals –or maybe a poet or teacher. Yeah, probably an English teacher is where I would have landed. TBS: Well we here can’t imagine you doing anything else, that’s for damn sure. Mike: Well good, haha, thank you. Well, I have to run and finish writing these movies. the interview: mike birbiglia

TBS: So, what is up? Where are you right now? Mike: I am in Brooklyn, where I live, and am just about to tweet the official Brooklyn tour poster. Don’t know if you’re on Twitter, but it’s pretty cool. It is one of my favorites of the tour posters.

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